The Grey Funnel.W ith which is incorporated “ The Tin H ut Tablet,” “ E m pires Call, and “ The Quinn’s Post Nightly.”

The offic ia l organ o f Troopship 9 5 on her 8th trip to the Homeland.

Guaranteed circulation extending to N ew Zealand.

FORWARD.Some were politicians, fanners, electricians.Some • in' courts, with , briefs and torts, fulfilled their

young ambitions"; ,Some are single, some are married,Some by danger’s lure are carried,All are brothers who have tarried In New Zealand fair.

Once again the good ship “ Willochra ” carries its human freight from the shores of <our fair 'country to the great Motherland, there to fight for the freedom of the world. Once again the decks resound -to the 'rhythmical beats of the physioal driU squad, and in the evenings the'messrooms reverberate with the' applause -bestowed' in liberal measure on those who use their talents in the entertainment of their fellows. No reason therefore to apologise for the publication of th is , the official record of the doings of the men travelling near .the. close of 1917 on Troopship 95.

The units aboard are fully enumerated elsewhere—suffice it to say, therefore, th a t we comprise the usual. Ne<vv Zealand draft, men differing in every (possible way—age, physique, • educational attainments, and political opinion, yet such a bond is made by the knowledge of common danger soon to assail all, and th a t each man will then be dependent, a t any rate, partially , on his comrades for his life, th a t we can best • describe ourselves by the trite yet expressive phrase, “ A Happy Band of Brothers.”

The ship’s company, too, on all occasions on which we ha.ve come in contact with them have proved that, they desire only one tihinig—the comfort and happiness of tihose on hoard. They have earned our heartfelt gratitude.

Our record, therefore, will be merry and bright, and, besides giving our friends a good idea of life on a troopship, will, we trust, prove in after, years of particular value in recalling the sea ipart of the great adventure. A contributor elsewhere refers feelingly and capably to this aspect of >its value.

Such-are the thoughts th a t inspired the production oif T he G rey F u n n e l . We lay no claim (to literary pretensions. “ The Triad ” would probably laugh us to scorn, blaming us for all the dyspeptic and gastric troubles of the editor of th at im ­perious journal. But, since the whole work is the production of th e men, and not of a few isolated scribblers, we have reason to hope it is of the standard, the men enjoy. The Editors assume no responsibility for the H IT S made in these columns; all are made in perfectly good humour, and we expect them to be taken in the same way. This, by the way, is the most popular p art of the magazine as far as contributors are con­cerned. Many men, indeed, seemed to regard these pages merely as a means of getting a sly dig a t “ the other fellow.” Any limericks or contributions in which any malice could be detected have (been mercilessly guillotined. Read, then, and as/ you read we trust you litterateurs will not condemn, but, after appreciating duly the difficulties confronting the Committee in the publication of this journal, even bend so far as. to_ praise.

No more need be said, so, with this ‘brief introduction, the Editors withdraw.

L a d ie s and G en tlem en , T he G rey F u n n e l .

CHRISTMAS, 1917.In; December comes the great festal season. In December we

were “ Somewhere at sea.” Our thoughts were not all pleasant as we let our minds wander to N.Z. holidaying and mirth- making, subdued though it would doubtless be. However, proof th a t we had not been forgotten by those a t home and assurance that we were in. their minds all the time led us to accept with calm contentment a very extraordinary Yuletide.

Bitterly cold were the few days preceding the great day. We spent Saturday before Christmas ashore, and so did not miss entirely the usual shopping and bustle. Christmas Eve- saw the ship in a state of considerable activity : the holds disgorged case after case, the above-mentioned proof of remembrance by N.Z. folk. R.Q.M.S. Foord and his staff worked all day in unpacking these gifts from -the women’s societies of Maoriland and distributing them among the companies. A plentiful supply of rich cake th at had kept splendidly was passed to the mess- rooms ready for the morrow. By seven o’clock every man had received his g ift parcel—maybe very small tokens when com­pared with his accustomed Christmas presents, but let us tell those women-soldiers in N.Z. who devoted their leisure and their money in providing the parcels'that few gifts in ordinary times give so much pleasure as these brought us. Some parcels contained almost entirely edibles, others chiefly clothing. Care­ful distribution saw that each went where of most value. For example, Balaclavas were urgently required by those who had not thought to bring one, and the Otago and Southland parcels supplied the needs of the unfortunate ones. The result was that when next day the Padre spoke gratefully of the work of the N.Z. women his words were endorsed heartily by all.

Christmas Day dawned cold and bleak; but the sea remained sufficiently calm to allow' even the worst sailor—perchance the w riter—to enjoy the good fare provided by the ship. The dishes usual to the season were all there, with the exception, of course, of the flowing win e-cup. The pudding reminded one so much of home that he searched eagerly for the button th at had fallen to him so persistently in past seasons. In the' a fte r­noon, the orchestra, rendered 'one of their ever-wrelcome concerts. In the evening most retired early to bed after passing a very unique Christmas Day. May the Christmas message come with its tine significance next Yuletide!

NEW YEAR, 1918.W ith the thermometer 36° below freezing point on the 29th

and only slightly higher on the 30th and 31st, New-'Year’s Day was noteworthy for only one thing—we were able to keep.warm ;• but th at compensated for the cutting out of a ll the Uoiial festivity.

Private A., who had not missed a, sick parade for a week, was shown a bottle of castor oil. Private A. has cancelled all future.appointm ents for some time to come.

4 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

PRE-EMBARKATION DAYS.

lit. is not our intention t o . furnish in any way a complete 1 Li story of the m ilitary doings of' the soldiers aboard ; but for reference in the days when we'are back in Aotea-Roa we append a very brief summary of the New Zealand portion of our training.

Our d raft can be divided into five distinct parts—four In fan try Companies, 31st Specialists, portion of the 31st N.Z.M .C. Section, a Maori Reinforcement, and the 32nd A.S.C. The records of these various components have been similar as regard fundamentals, bu t, of course, have differed widely in m atter of detail.

Let us glance first of all at the four infantry companies—- D and E, 31st, and A and B, 32nd. Though belonging to different reinforcements, the men composing these companies entered catnip at the same tim e ; a double drafit had filled the th irtie th and all except i) and E of the thirty-firsts a month previously. I t was a beautifully fine week in August, 1917, when the specially trained officers and N .C .O .’s awaited with no little excitement the men whom they were going to pilot through the New Zealand m ilitary course. The expected' ones were played into camp from the Trentham railway station by the m ilitary band. Lusty cheers from earlier drafts greeted them at every corner. “ Are you do win-hearted ? ” A stentorian“ N o ” from the new-comers. “ You d------ n well soon will b e ”from the old hands. Some carried little or no baggage, others apparently had been unwilling to leave the grand piano or the billiard-table a t home—all looked somewhat confused, though happy; but the question, “ Do I know anyone th e re ? ” seemed to be written in every face.

They were marched straight to the C. of E. Institu te , where the medicos held court; from there to Major Mounsey to receive their E .P . ware. The m erry Major briefly expatiated on elec­tric wires and a variety of topics, and dismissed them with his blessing and their mugs. Then to huts where the joy of joys awaited them—ntheir first issue of the well-known Trentham stew. Bards have sung of i t ; no lengthier mention is needed here. Then back to the C. of E., where the Records Clerk took charge; another visit to the stores to 'isten to what sounded like a remarkably fast phonograph record. “ Ered-Dempsey-You- have-here-a-greatcoat-and-ha/t-a-pair-of-'boots - a - pair - of - denim- pants - a - coat - two-pair-of-underpants-,tw.o-singlets-two-working- sbirts-three-pairs-of-sox-two-towels-three-ibla.nkets-a-palliasse-and- a-kit-'bag-a-waterproof - sheet - one - tin - plate-pannikin-knife-fork. spoon-sigh-here-Fred-or-does-your-girl-call-you-Freddie.” Freddie, somewhat dazed, signs, collects his gear, and departs. A sym­pathetic N.C.O. awaits outside, assists him to pack -Massey’s gifts, and pilots him with others back to the hut. Next they fill their palliasses, have a bath, eat their first camp tea, and then to bed—perchance to sleep. The morning sees a trans­formation—the glace kid hoots replaced by Massey’s stone c rushers; their American-cut trousers by denims sometimes only four inches too long; the collar, tie, vest, and long tailor-cut coat by a rough denim tunic; and the smart hat by the m ilitary cap. How weird they all look ! The same day another visit to the stores, where the remainder of the k it is drawn. The goose step now engages the attention, and never have companies shown such proficiency in picking up drill. A few days later, a four o ’clock Reveille, h u t scrubbing, a hasty breakfast, and then, carrying all the authorities have bestowed upon them, they march to the station thence to proceed to Tauherenikau. Three weeks there, and what a metamorphosis ! They entered ordinary men they emerge, a fter bull-ring training, soldiers, erect, lithe, and alert. To Featherston next, there to spend a short period, and then home for leave. They returned—not all when they should have—soon entrain for Trentham, where they endeavoured to riddle targets; but the red flag waved often and long, as if farewelling them from the New Zealand camps. P re ­parations for embarkation followed apace—the Governor-

General’s review, numerous lectures, swabbing, and considerable hair-cutting activities showed the time had come to go on board, and on November 22 Troopship 95 welcomed one and all.'

And the experience of the other units differs little from this record. The Specialists entered Trentham in June, and left almost immediately to do all their training a t Tauherenikau, Featherston, Papawai, and Fernside.

The A.S.C. Company, attested on May 2, did a course of musketry and extended order drill at Featherston, and then, in the same camp, attended the riding school, and proceeded after to work the teams and gain experience in trekking.

The Maoris joined the Colours a t Narrow Neck Camp in August, did the ordinary infantry course there, and completed their musketry course a t Penrose. Narrow Neck m ust miss the remarkably fine voices of the 23rd Maori reinforcement, for every night near “ Lights o u t” they enchant us with their melodies.

The N.Z.M .C. entered the iEsoulapian Halls a t Awapuni, near Palmerston N orth, in September, and, with the exception of a few weeks’ orderly work a t the m ilitary hospitals at Featherston and Tauherenikau, did all their training there.

I t would be impossible to touch more fully on the camp life of the different un its; the experiences of each would fill whole volumes. We trust, however, this brief resume will serve to recall to us in the days to come oiu* pre-embarkation adventures.

Q.M.S. SILVER BEER.I ’m Quartermaster Silver Beer,

A life upon the brinySuits me alright; amidst good cheer

I live, and dixies shiny.

There is no pantry touches mine,No speck of d irt is found th e re ;

Of unclean cups there’s ne’er a sign, Nor odd things lying round there.

When ship inspection first began.Some thought I would be outed

Unemptied was a refuse can,And Silver Beer was doubted

In search of dust they fingered shelves, And thought i t very clever;

The Chief in every corner delves,But n o t . the same one ever.

And they spot my undershirt A-drying in the kitchen.

Pulling it down, my feelings hurt,And quite undid the stitchin’.

Now,, though I work ’midst pot and pan, I own a war distinction.

It is not meet that such a man Should risk his own extinction.

So when the .Ship’s Enquiry Board Requested my assistance,

I felt that I must get them awed,And keep them at a distance.

And forth I step in tunic tight,And trousers creased so neatly.

The polish on my boots so bright,My round face shining sweetly.

For when dress uniform I wear,Full on my breast reclining.

The proof of service great I bear,My medal large and shining.

And since that day none criticise The hero of the fight.

My medal dazzled all their eyes,“ So dot will be alright.”

THE GREY FUNNEL.

VACCINATION.Now there’s many an ill You can cure with a pill,

And there’s some you can cure with a plaster. Yes, these certainly cure,And the remedy’s sure,

But there’s no doubt you need something faster. We will tell you a way,Which the medicos say

Will make us from all troubles freer.We will try to entice you to take our advic3,

And this is the great panacea.

Vax. Vax, Vaccination,I t saves us from all miorbid fears;

I f the doctor just socks in The great anti-toxin,

You’re safe for. the rest of vour years.

I t will cure corns and toe-thuds,Digest rotten ship’s spuds,

And seasickness yields to its action. You will soon understand.When far from the land,

I t gives you entire satisfaction.We will say it again,Just to make it quite plain,

And then you can go home and try And tell of its praises in sweet running

N owt list’, for there’s none can deny it.

Vax, Vax, Vaccination,I t cures you from all morbid fea rs ;

If you let him once dig in The unmerciful pin,

You are safe for the rest of your veai

5

6 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

SHIP’S SPORTS.-Monday, December 17, was set apart for the sports, which had

been postponed previously owing to the after-effects of th a t in ­genious form ot torture known as vaccination. A moderate sea was running in the morning, which became calm as the day progressed, and the weather was ideal. ,

To take events an their order, deok quoits commenced the programme. The semi-final resulted in A/32 defeating B/32 and E/31 accounting for D/31. In the final A/32 l’an out winners. Ohaplain-Oapt. M urphy judged this event.

The peg quoits .were won by D/31. Great interest was taken in the physical drill, teams of six and iN.C.O. in charge competing from each unit. The following companies supplied representa­tive team s:—.D/31, E/31, A/32, B/32, 28th Maoris, and the Specialists (31st). The work shown was consistently good, and R.-S.-M. Barnsley had a difficult task to adjudge the winners. D/31 succeeded in winning by a neck, the Maoris being second, and scoring only one point Jess than the victors.

The tug-of-war competition was one of the star events of the day, and aroused much inter-unit enthusiasm. The ship’s chief officer, Mr. Cordy, rendered valuable advice and assistance in judging this event. Under his direction the crew had rigged up a couple of running pulleys, about four feet apart, securely fixed in place by ropes running to links in the ship’s fittings. Through these blocks the rope was passed, so that both teams pulled side by side on the same deck, thus eliminating as far as possible any advantage obtainable from the ship’s motion. Teams consisted of eight men and a captain. The inclusion of an officers’ team was greatly welcomed by the men, and their con­test with E/31 was clamorously designated as “ steak and onions versus stew .” Stew, however, somewhat easily won the day.

First Pull, Maoris v. A.S.C. The latter team had advantage in weight, bu t the combination of the former told after a strenuous pull for 2 | minutes, and the Maoris gradually wore their opponents down and won.

Second Pull, B/32 v. D/31. Both teams were fairly evenly matched in weight, but D./31 palled together better and won easily.

Third Pull, Officers v. E/31. Great interest was taken in this heat, b u t the " stewites ” were taking no chances, and “ steak and onions” succumbed somewhat easily. The moralist m ight attribute this defeat to the disastrous effects of high living.

Fourth Pull, A /32 v. 31st Specialists. The former team on after a fairly good pull

S e m i-F in a l s .D/31 v. A/32. D/31, working well together, made a walk-over

of this event.E/31 v. Maoris. Great excitement and barracking prevailed

during this con test; for over a minute neither side held material advantage, but gradually the Maoris, heaving all together, wore their opponents down and won the pull.

F in a l .

Maoris v. D/31. While the o<her pulls were “ sudden death,” the final was arranged to be the best out of three. Both teams were heavy, D/31 if anything possessing the advantage in weight. The Maoris put up a great fight in the first pull, but their opponents held more in .reserve, and won after an interesting struggle. In the second pull the Maoris seemed to be feeling the strain of their previous efforts, and were unable to put up much resistance. The contest was therefore won by D/31.

The last competition of the day was the skipping; i t aroused a good deal of interest, as rumour had said th at there were several very hot representatives on board. The conditions were straight- out skipping, go-as-you-please, one attem pt each, Ibut a second attem pt allowed if .the competitor failed to reach twenty. How­ever. some of the rumoured “ hot ” members failed to come up to reputation, and the contest really lay between Pte. McVey (D/31) and Cpl. Jones (31st Specs.). Cpl. Jones ran out winner with a total of 2,131, Pte. McVey being second with 1,489. The winner’s performance was remarkable, since lie had already par­ticipated in two exceedingly strenuous boxing bouts and the tug- of-war just previously. W e are informed the indefatigable

corporal was looking afterwards for an opponent to swim him round a passing ship.

The whole day’s work proceeded with a smoothness th a t bespoke excellent organisation by the committee and others con­cerned. Tho officers were invaluable in their assistance, from Cliaplain-Capt. .Murphy and Lieut. Paulsen (chairman and ex- chairman of the committee) to Lieuts. Mason, Le Cren, and Pearce, judges of the boxing. The ship’s band from time to time discoursed lively music, whenever the musicians could be gathered together from the spectators, and the willing co-ordina­tion of the ship’s officers did much to promote the success of the meeting. R.-Q.-M.-S. Foord was much to the fore, as usual. The O.C. ship also greatly assisted m atters by his kindly ad just­ment of parades, etc. The day was so successful th a t even the captain of the ship was said to be seen smiling. This, however, wc believe to be a gross exaggeration.

W in n e r s .

Tug-of-War.—D/31, Ptes. Fitzgerald, Baker, Horrow, Histen, Kellec, Hamilton, Harrison, Cpl. O’Neii

Physical Drill.—D/31, Sgt. Rowan, Ptes.' Greenhow, Deane, Hitcham, Grant, O’Sullivan, Camilleri.

Deck Quoits.—A/32, Ptes. Mathieson and Hanley.Peg Quoits.—D/31, Pte. ShoweBoxing (Finals).—Heavy-W eight: H. Cleary, A.S.C., meets

Cpl. Jones, Specs. ; M iddle: Stewart, A/32, meets Himiona, M aoris; L ig h t: Morrison, Maoris, meets Gilchrist, A/32.

Skipping.—Spccs., Cpl. Jones.As is invariably the case, the boxing contests created greater

interest and enthusiasm than any other event upon the sports programme. All vantage points around the ringside were early as a premium, even the roof of the wireless room being invaded, and thereby hangs a little story. A t a height of some two feet above this same roof runs a wire, and just as all in contact there­with were craning their necks to gain a better view of the initial bout, someone, whether with malice aforethought or otherwise, livened that wire .up with an uncertain but very effective voltage ! Results followed immediately; w ith one loud “ w ow ” about a dozen men crumpled up in all sorts of unpremeditated attitudes. The cause of this disturbance having been discovered and removed all was subsequently well.

T h e L ig h t -W e ig h t s .

The first bout for the light-weight championship was between Pte. Morrison of the 23rd Maoris, and P te. Reeve of A Co. 32nd Morrison had the advantage in the weights and easily outpointed his opponent, who is lacking in science but can h it hard, and was, therefore, always dangerous.

On the second day Morrison met more than his match in Pte. Gilchrist, A Co. 32nd, who, albeit his blow appeared to be lacking in weight, gained the verdict w ith plenty to spare. Gilchrist, it should be mentioned, had, in a sportsmanlike spirit, refused to gain the verdict 'by default on the previous day.

T h e M id d l e -W e ig h t s . jThe star performance of the whole tournam ent was unquestion­

ably the go between Pte. Stewart, A Co. 32nd, and Cpl. McLeary. 32nd N.Z.A.S.C. Each of these men showed speed, science1, and ability to hand out punishment.

No sooner had the gong sounded than McLeary stepped up to his man, and, leading with the left, which was cleverly blocked, followed up with right and left to the body, which connected. Stew art’s excellent smother, however, had the corporal bothered, and more than once he stood off, seemingly not knowing what to do. ‘Clever work by both men brought the round to a con­clusion w ith the points in favour of McLeary.

Fast work was again witnessed when the men came together for the second .round, towards the middle of which Stewart landed a heavy right, to the side of the head, which had his opponent badly rattled. In evading disaster M cLeary showed good generalship, and the round ended with honours vecyyevenly divided.

The third and concluding round saw Stewart in a more aggres­sive mood, but both men were tiring" badly, and an excellent bout ended .with MoLeary being forced on to the ropes. The decision went to Stewart, b u t in the early p a rt of the contest

THE GREY FUNNEL.

McLeary had piled up a substantial, lead, and honours must have been fairly even. W ith men of this class in the ring, the rolling, slight though it was, of the ship was a .misfortune 'both for on­lookers and themselves, for, as. need hardly--be - remarked, it detracted considerably from opportunities to show good foot­work..

T h e H e a v y -W e ig h t s .■Stewart did hot enter for the heavy-weight championship, the

iirst bout'tor which was between Cpl. Jones, of 31st Specs., and Pte. Wharepapa, 23rd Maoris. Jones stripped in the pink of condition, but Wharepapa appeared little behind him in this respect, and had the greater weight and reach. An interesting bout' went the full three rounds, in each of which the Maori warrior scored freely, and to the astonishment of most of the fans the verdict went in Jones’s favour.

;Cpl. Jones next' met Pte. Brown, whose skill was vastly superior to his condition. Brown appeared, indeed, not to have bothered to train a t all. He had not been busy a minute, how­ever, ere it became plainly evident that “ he had been there before.” He has a beautiful left, with a heap of sting in it, which landed almost as he wished, whilst Jones could do nothing with him. More than once it seemed long odds on Brown registering a knock-out, bu t he generally forbore to follow up his advantages. Once again the decision went Jones’s way, but loud cheers for Brown left no doubt that the judge’s verdict was generally disagreed with. Even Jones himself seemed surprised thereat.

The finals now lay between Corporals Jones and McLeary, the last-named of whom had previously drawn a bye. I t was fought on the second day and before all on board th a t could get close enough to see it. ” As a boxing contest it was disappointing, for McLeary carried all too many guns for his opponent, on whom he landed both heavy lefts and rights with painful frequency. Jones fought gamely all through the tournament, and fully deserved the recognition of this accorded to him, b u t he lacks speed, and in the brawny McLeary Qie met altogether more than his match.

BOXING.

Several sets of gloves were brought aboard, and," albeit first seasickness and Wien results of vaccination kept many enthu­siasms from indulging in a spar, the noble art has not been entirely neglected.

As eaoli unit lias its own parade ground, it is difficult for any one man to make hi ms el t acquainted with all such talent as is available. Hence rumour enjoys full fling. However, “ F itz ,” of “ E ” Company, who used to fight under the name of “ Crawford ” in the Auckland district some two or three years back, us wilth us, and “ E ” Company also includes a promising lad in “ Gillie.”

Coiporal Frank Jones, of the 31st “ Specs.,” is no novice, as those who saw him at work one evening in one of the Mounted Huts in Featherston will testify. His long suit at present is skipping—’good training, too, for footwork.

“ D ” Company 31st includes the heavyweight “ Tom Col­lins,” who was laslt seen in action a t Trentham, and a t least two lightweights in tihe 23rd Maomies have been busy during the evenings near No. 1 hatch.

A correspondent forwards me details of a go that took place last week between “ Blossom ” ancl “ P inkie,” whose identity is unknown to me. I learn, however, that “ both men stepped into the ring looking in the pink—to sink beers ” ! On “ time ” being called, the preliminary handshake was dispensed with, and Blossom ” led off with a left to the nose, following with Ibis favourite right swing, which missed by feet. “ Pinkie ” was slow to get going, -but, gaining confidence as the round progressed, he rushed his man to the ropes as the gong went. Both men were already showing signs of distress.

As the gong resounded, “ Blossom ” met his opponent more than half-way and tried for a knock-out. Had his vicious upper-cut landed as intended, the laurels would unquestionably have been h is; but, ipartly owing to the roll of the ship and

Bystander: “ W hy d on ’t you stop a fe w o f them , S e r g e a n t? ’ Sgt. P r ic e : “ I don’t see m any of them going past.”

8 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

largely through. mis-itiming, lie failed to connect. “ Pinkie ” then got home some solid ibody blows, aiul the round ended in Ji is favour.

The th ird and last round opened with a clinch, both men, despite the efforts th a t had been expended upon them at corners, appearing to be groggy, i t was soon apparent that neither had strength to raise u .glove, and the “ no decision ” verdict of the reieree m et w ith general approval.

The preliminary try-out®, held in No. 5 hatch on the 7th and 8th inst., in order to determine who should represent theA.S.C. at the forthcoming boxing tournam ent,' created con­siderable interest.

Among the lightweights. Jack Wills, the Wanganui Wonder, shaped best. He adopts a mild form of the American crouch, can use bath hands, and show speed. His punches lacked power, however, and he should study the a rt of stepping into his man to avoid trouble. Of his opponents, “ Garden W alk,” the Dunedin pet, gave most promise.

The middleweights included Joe Summers, the Taranaki Ter­ror, Syd. Clog, the Battling Baker, and Jdm Stevens, the Poetical Puncher. The last-named was quickly recognised as ' an old hand in the sixteen foot ring, and his clever work in feinting, side-stepping, and short jabs surprised many. Years will tell, however, and come-baoks in the noble a rt are rarely able to hold their own with the younger hands. Joe Summers, otherwise known as the Dancing Dervish, is handicapped by a short reach, and appears to be muscle-bound. His ability to stand punishment is his greatest asset. In Syd. Clog we saw quite a different type of boxer, and one who had evidently been taugh t in a good school. His footwork was a trea t to witness, and i t is to be hoped th at the novices made due note of the manner in which he sprang in when leading out with his left. By th is method he gets all the necessary weight behind his blows without any sacrifice of speed. Syd. has a fighting face which bears evidence of his experience in the ring, and, unless he tra ins off, he should worthily represent this unit.

Only two heavyweights donned the m itts—namely, “ 'Sledge Haminer Dick,” the Bombay Basher, and “ Knock-out Mac,” the Otago Kid. The first-named, who tips the beam a t 14 stone 7 lbs., has a useful left, but relies almost entirely upon an annihilating right swing. When this does land i t ’s good-night, McGuinness; but its arrival is too long delayed, and its deliver­ance usually results in much atmospheric disturbance where its intended recipient isn’t. Knock-out Mac is a well-built, power­ful youth of only twenty summers, who already has had six fights, four of which were won by the shortest route, to his credit. Danger lurks in each of his hands. He has a fine smother, back-steps neatly, and, despite a lack of reaoli, he may so far. ’Tis said be intends making middleweight and contesting both this and the heavy championship.

T H A N K S !

The editors desire to thank all those who contributed to “ The Grey Funnel.” Many contributors will not see their articles in prin t, bu t we are just as grateful to them as to those who have gained access to our columns. I t has been difficult indeed to pass our dictum on many of the contributions; but we had to remember th a t space was too valuable to allow of the insertion of any article th a t would be of interest only to a few. For example, we had many such as this : “ Poetry. F irs t verse : May and june to months in bloom, i t is then we will choose october, when leaves will fall and so will we all when youth and bloom is over. Second verse. I ’ll, think of thee where e’er I be, though oceans may us sever, oh, never let me be forgot for i ’ll forget the never.”

We regret we have had to use the scissors so drastically, but the necessity is apparent. We thank these contributors never­theless for their endeavours to make the magazine a success; the only ones from whom we withhold our editorial gratitude are those who, though possessing ability and leisure to contri­bute, yet lent no helping hand.

We th an k _ especially for valuable cub-editorial assistance Sergt. Skipwith and Pte. Greenhow, and also desire to express our heartiest thanks to Pte. M artin, the typist, who gave to us ungrudgingly the greater p art of his leisure time. Thanks !

SHIP S GAMES.Besides the usual round of deck-quoits, cards, boxing, etc.,.

indulged in by troops on a long voyage, a few more games have, been invented by the inmates of Transport 95. Amongst those which have attained great popularity may be mentioned the following, which are universally indulged in by every N.C.O. and p rivate on the ship. These notes may prove serviceable to- succeeding drafts :—

Reveille Dodging.—-The rules of this game are quite simple. As the last note of reveille sounds every man turns in his bunk, and religiously goes to s leep . again. When the “ fall in ” call rings through the dormitories, each competitor m ust dress, wash, and answer his name on parade within two minutes- Competitors 'waking at the C.B. call, 5.45 a.m.. are disqualified.

Meal Parade.—To carry out this game properly upwards of 200 men m ust gather in a chaotic muddle on their parade decks fifteen m inutes before a meal. Each man carries knife, fork, and spoon, with which he assiduously hits the nearest object within reach, preferably a comrade’s head. P layful little scuffles become prevalent throughout the lines as a result of this. On th e command, “ Advance ill single file to the mess- room /' each man immediately im itates some living or extinct, animal in the noisiest and most blatant m anner possible. The game m aybe continued throughout the meal (provided no officei- has his eye on the particular table concerned) by smashing a Massey’s mud-orange on another m an’s hv*ad or pu tting sa r­dines in a neighbour’s tea.

Ablutionising.—Two full companies are required to perform this recreation to perfection. Appliances required are :—'Six washing basins and a lavatory some 12 by 6. The two com­panies are let loose a t the same moment into the lavatory, and any man succeeding in gaining a. wash wins the prize v iz.. enough fresh w ater to shave in. No one yet- has been fortunate enough to secure this reward.

Bedmakinig.—The rules of this game are also simple. .All that is required is a dormitory containing 120 bunks or so. u tter darkness, everybody’s belongings generally mixed rap w ith everybody else’s, and a" simultaneous attem pt made by all to, sort thinlo-s out. Thiis leads to much amusing language and sundry bumps and falls, which add greatly to the m erriment. Anv man scoring six or more blankets from his mates wins.

These games may be multiplied ad nauseam.

A S Q U A L L A T S E A .

A distant bank of copper clouds obscures the setting sun.A solemn stillness reigns supreme o’er land and sea, as one. The sea by ripples undisturbed, w ith crimson, overhead.Save where the clouds, collecting fast, a darker radiance shed. A moan—then stillness—then a moan—

An evergath’ring hum,And louder and yet louder grown,

The tempest has begun.The sea is lashed to ghastly white,

The raging surges roar,The heavens, with tremendous might,

Their vials of wrath outpour.The thunder rumbles, growls, and crashes.The lurid lightning earthward flashes.On rook-bound coast the ocean dashes,

Scatt’ring a sea of foam.Poor fragile ships on boulders riven—Poor mortals to destruction driven—Poor trembling souls ascend to heaven.

Their everlasting home.At length the storm has held its sway,

Its outbursts of less frequence;The waves, now night is welc’ming day,

Less constant in their sequence.A moan—then stillness—then a moan—

An everless’ning hum—On wings of air the storm has flown,

The elements are dumb. -

TH E GREY FUNNEL. 9

HEARD IN CAMPLAND.

One day in the bath house at Featherston a private entered during parade hours and used the showers. The adjutant's shower was out of order, and he came in also to use the bath. Under the shower badges of rank are not worn.

“ Are you a n o th e r --------------dodging parade? ” asked theprivate.

“ Oh, no,” with a smile, “ I am the unfortunate camp ad ju tan t.”

Officer (sharply) : “ W hat are the forces acting on a bullet ? ” Timid Recruit *. “ Elevation, sir .”Officer (jumping into the air) : “ W hat’s that? ”Timid Recruit : “ I mean trajectory, sir.’

A celebrated geologist named F----- is a corporal in a mountedreinforcement a t Featherston. On a recent occasion a well- known instructor made the following remark : “ They say thatth at there F ------is a b-------y fool, bu t what I says is, if F—is good enough to be a theologist to an A ntartic Exposition, he can’t be no b----- v fool.”

“ Now, gentlemen,’' said Captain Oheator on one occasion, “ remember you are temporary gentlemen as well as temporary officers.”

A Staff sergeant-major (after lecturing on soldierly spirit in a very touching manner) : “ Now, what would you do, corporal, if you saw a soldier hopelessly drunk on the street ? ”

“ Well, sir, I should do what the Almighty would do if he •had two stripes—look in the first shop window.”

“ Now, if your man failed the musketry practice, what would you do? ”

“ Give him another tria l.”“ Quite righit. W hat if he failed a g a in ? ”“ Make him a sergeant on Headquarters Staff.”

After a late night a short-sighted private was seen to gravely salute a post-box. He proba.blv took it for a tin hat on the Staff.

Scene.—Trentham Musketry Parade Ground.Frettv : “ When is the standing position u sed ?”Budding 31st N.C.O. : “ When standing up, sir.”F retty : “ ------ ------ ----- •” (Well, you know, Fretty never

iweai'S, but he looks a lot.)

Irate Officer (he may have been Irish) : “ Now then, men, don’t move, don’t move; and you files that don’t move, whenyou stop moving, f o r ------sake keep still.” (Could not the O.C.ship ask his officers to be more explicit?)

Bumper (a character in Trentham)-: “ Did you shave this morning, corporal?”

“ No, sir.”“ Why n o t? ”“ Sore face, sir .”“ W hat! Oh now, corporal—that face so re ! I refuse to

believe it. Go and get a mallet and drive them in.”

To a man who has mishandled his rifle in a rifle movement. “ T h a t’s right—climib up your hockey s'tick, lad. T ha t’s why we don’t drill you fellows near the trees; we should require a pocket full of nu.ts to catch you.”

A man doing fourteen' days’ C.B., sitting in hut when the corporal comes to the door and says, “ Is C. B. Kerr in this h u t ? ” He replies, “ No, I ’m the only C.B. in this hut, but I ’m not a cur.”

“ Take that silly grin off your dial, corporal, or I ’ll kiss you, bv heaven I will.”

To an officer who has failed to get a good movement : “ Cause that to be done again, s ir .”

To a corporal who has likewise failed to get a good move­ment : “ Very woolly, corporal, aren’t th e y ? ”

Corporal : “ Yes, sir.”Bumper : “ Yes, and, by gad, you’re the woolliest one of the

lot. March them home for heaven’s sake, and put a feed in front of them. See if that will brighten them up.”

Sub. (after endeavouring to teach a squad extended order drill one Monday morning) : “ Well, you fellows, do you know that when I was a very small schoolboy I had a set of tin soldiers, and they were my best-loved toy. I played with them all day long, and they were real living men to me. One day the set was lost, and in spite of keenest searching I found no trace of them. I searched and searched, and was terribly upset, till my mother told me not to worry, that they would turn up. And now, after all these years, hang me if they haven’t .”

Dvr. L., 32nd A.S.C., to Sergt. D - c k - n . 34th A.S.C., during smoko: “ Sergeant, what would you do if, having given the command, ‘ At the halt front form ,’ you saw there was not enough room for it to be carried out? ” Sergt. D - c k - n , enter-, eng into a lengthy explanation.. . . . Dvr. L. : “ Oh, no, sergeant, you’re wrong. I just asked the question to see if you did know the proper thing to do.” Sergt. D - c k - n : “ Well, what is the proper thing? ” Dvr. L. : ‘ Why, take the men into a bigger paddock, of course! ”

Sergt. S l-k , 34th A.S.C., in charge of day stable piquet, takes over at 6 a.m., and asks, “ Anything to report? ” Dvr. C - g - n, who has been on the last shift : “ Nothing special, sergeant, but 1 had a pretty tough job to prevent some of them from lying down ! ”

Design for the badge for the Cl Camp at Featherston :Two crossed crutches with bandage rampant, surmounted by

the scroll “ Glaxo.”

The raw recruit, an overgrown streak of humanity, 6ft. 2in. in height, was gaining his first experience of riding over hurdles. J-Jis mount had just turned an awful purler, and both were spread out upon the ground. How it all happened the recruit did not know, but just as he was beginning to collect himself fnd see if all was in tact the sergeant-major instructor’s “ Tenshun” was fired off a t him. “ How’s your horse?” And he has scarcely recovered from his astonishment yet.

S.M. Instructor “ M iste r” on m usketry: “ All you ’as to do is to rest the ’ead between th e .’ands, keeps your eye close to the ’ole, and you’ll see the ’ole panorama!

“ Tenshun ” giving commands in rapid succession, : “ Com.p’ny, tenshun, ’ezouwere. tension, eyes right, ’ezouwere, eyes left. Holy suffering saints, if some of you chaps don’t wake up you won’t be in time to attend your own funeral.”

Sergeant (teaching physical drill) : “ Now, then, stand steady; left knee ra ise !” One man raised his right, and so.two legs close together were in the air. Sergeant (loudly and angrily) : “ Who is that silly blighter who has raised both legs? ”

10 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

LES AFFAIRES MUSICALES.

Violins

“ Twang the concertina's melancholy string .” Transport 95, throughout its lengthy voyage, has been singu­

larly fortunate in the way of concerts, band performances, and musical catering generally. Thanks to the untiring efforts of an enthusiastic committee, presided over by the genial padre, Chaplain-Captain Murphy (probably a Belgian refugee, to judge by his surname), m atters have literally boomed in this department.

The troops possess among their ranks several ex-professionals of considerable standing. Corporal Well'by, late of the London Follies and the Dandies of A ustra lasia ; - P rivate Camilleri, of cir­cus • fam e; P rivate Greenhow, tlhe English d.raiwing-room enter­tainer, and others. R.Q.M.S. Foord has been indefatigable in arranging fresh programmes every Wednesday and Saturday. The concerts have always been of a thoroughly enjoyable type, and encores are the invariable rule. The ship’s Iband, Which commenced its work amid the throes of vaccination and tho indisposition of its organisers, has “ made good.” I ts appear­ances are eagerly welcomed The personnel of the orchestra is as follows :—

Bandmaster ....................................... Corporal WellbyConductor ........................................... Private B artlettViola ............................................... Corporal Findlay

........................................ Q.M.S. KellyClarionettes j ................................. Private Conway

1 ............................ ......... Private M artin.............................. P rivate Ballantyne................................... P rivate Bridger................................ P rivate Christian............................. Private Rua Grey

Flute and Piccolo ........................... P rivate Camilleri......................... Mr. Dobson (ship’s staff)

Cornets j .............................................. P rivate Brown{ ........................................... Private Coombe

Tenor Horn ................... Lance-Corporal SaundersTrombone ........................................... Private FranksEuphonium ........................................... P rivate GreggPiano ................................................... Private Crapper^ , i ........................................... Private ChadwickDrum£ t ..... ................................................. P rivate Bai

The above performers greatly enliven our concerts, and have also appeared on deck on Sunday afternoons, in addition to accompanying the parade services. The instrumental sextette, also a feature at concerts, comprises the following musicians :—

Clarionette ............................................... Q.M.S. Kelly■xr. r f ....................................... Private BallantyneVu)lm 1 ........................................... Private ChristianViola ............................................... Corporal FindlayCornet ............................................... Private CoombePiano ................................................... P rivate Cropper

To deal with vocal music, we possess a first-class quartette— male, we need hardly add—in Sergeant Johns, Q.M.S. Edwards, Lance-Corporal Orchard, and Corporal Wellby. Their tuneful karmonies whisper melodious mysteries beneath tlhe tropic lunar sphere. (Cut it out.—Editor.) A choir of over twenty voices is also violently in existence, and is doing capital work. And to these attractions the large number of really talented individual artists, not forgetting the O.C. ship, whose contributions to our concerts are things to he remembered. (A bit ambiguous this.—Editor.) The Maoris have been an unceasing source of melody and amusement. Their all-Maori concert on December 8 brought (the house down. Private Rua Grey, their star come­dian, has a-rubberlike countenance that lends itself to the most ludicrous contortions, and his songs are always greeted with storms of applause. The Maori quartette, consisting of Lance- Corporal Hakirara. Privates Grey, Morrison, and TeWhetu, put in good work, their bravura appoigiativras awaking thunders of rapture. (Steady on the comp.—Editor.) The Hawaiian dance rendered by Private Kori was quite one of the gems of this interesting programme, and the remaining duet risks and soloists attained the same Irish spirit of revelry.

Space does not admit of mention in detail of the other bi-weekly concerts, especially as new talent is put before the

crowded audience at each performance. Mr. Glazier, of the ship’s staff, is a warm favourite, and others in frequent re­quest are Corporal Wellby, a magnificent baritone; Sergeant Johns, tenor; P rivate Rua Grey, ragtime and Maori melody specialist; Private Camilleri', in acrobatic feats; P rivate Green- how, in humorous sketches at the piano, and hosts of others.

Considering the limited time for organisation and rehearsal, m atters musical on Transport 95 have reached a high and suc­cessful standard. W arm credit is due to all concerned who have given their time or talent to the good work. Few troop­ships can boast a better record in this direction. The much- discussed shore concert party, if ever it is allowed to appear in public, will stamp itself as being far above the ordinary ruck in talent and originality.

THOSE BEASTLY BUGS.Table fifteen in the aft mess

Was controlled by orderlies two,Of whom one refused his razor to use,

And so his whiskers grew.

They grew so black and grew so fast,They covered all his face.

And whether his skin was black or white ’Twas a difficult m atter to trace

The O.C. came to him and said,“ Now why don’t you behave

Just as a proper soldier should And every morning shave?”

“ But, sir, I cannot shave,” he said,“ My face is sorely sm itten;

In bed at night those beastly bugs My chin and cheeks have bitten.

They bit my legs, they bit my arms,The itching never ceases;

And on a place I must not name The skin is torn to ipieces.

T hey’ve raised up pimples on my face,And on my body a blot,

And though I ’d like so much to shave,I ’d like mudh rather no t.”

“ Ah. yes, I see,” the O.C. said,“ They’ve treated you quite badly;

Your crime seems punished quite enough,I ’ll overlook it gladly.

Bites of these insects wall not raise Blisters on the skin,

But scratching where they’ve been at work Brings all the mischief in.

And so in future hear in mind You must forbear to scratch them,

And, if tire bugs come back again,Well, kill them—when you catch them .”

B O O K S O F T H E Y E A R .

“ Hints to Young Company Commanders.”—By S.M. Co.-y-r. “ The Thousand^Best Mat. Excuses.” —By Provost Sergeant

Ryan.“ The Duties of Master- of Ceremonies.”—By Regt. Q.M.S.“ The Necessity of Sleep.” —By 2nd Lieut. A. H. Preface by

Private O’Shea.“ The Humours of Coaling.”—By Snowy Baker.“ How to Light a Pipe with Wooden M atches.”—By T.

Smoker. Strongly recommended to future drafts.“ W hat Every Young Man Should Know.”—By Officer Cordy*.

THE GREY FUNNEL. 11

12 THE GREY FUNNEL.

ON D1T.

T hat certain officers and N.C.O.’s of D and E, 31st, have not yet recovered from tinei'r sorrow at parting with the senior officer ,of th eir draft. In fact, several N.O .O .’s still wear a 'haunted look when in the vicinity of the coal bunkers.

That the hospital staff have discovered a new disease, viz., Washing Day Swing-lead-itis.” Also th at a certain well-

known Q.M.S., who once exhorted his men to “ Pull together,” was the first to seriously. “ con trac t” this malady.

That a well-known Southland C.S.M. offered to give an address in the sergeants’ mess on “ Elocution—and How I Learnt I t ” ; or, “ When to Talk and W hat to Say.” Also, th at had the suggestion been taken up with the enthusiasm expected by the would-be lecturer, a further series would have been given •on “ Parade States—How to Fake Them .” In the meantime, we cam confidently say that dear Charlie is prepared to argue the point with anybody and everybody, on any or every subject, anywhere and everywhere.

T hat a certain C.S.M., diminutive in name and stature, but a Goliath in self-esteem, is prepared to sing a t any concert th at well-known ballad “ I ’m the Sergeant-M ajor.”

Then at the same entertainment a Well-known sergeant ofE , 31st, of similar stature and loud voice, will sing “ I ’m i t.” and if fortunate enough to be encored (and he expects to be), will render th at pathetic little ditty “ I ’m still i t .”

That although a sergeant of E, 31st, may not get “ a-shavv ” at the next port of call, he will still wear a smile and a pipe.

T hat the ship’s entertainment committee intend shortly to stage th a t popular m ilitary drama “ Borrowed Plum es,” with a well-known Q.M.S. in the title-role. The villains’ parts will be •taken by two officers of E, 31st.

T hat the A dju tant is always “ Ready ” to “ Call an ” orderly " E v e r y ” time lie wants a “ H in t o n ” what is happening in the “ H a r t ” of the ship.

That the next time Jim my—the sergeant in D Company with a lion’s voice—engages in a boxing bout he will solemnly pro­mise not to make use of the mailed fist.

That the Regimental Q.M.S. has just celebrated his sixtieth birthday. Hence his allusion to all the bald heads in the sergeants’ mess as “ You boys.”

T hat a C.S.M. hailing from Timaru will probably get a job on the recruiting staff on arrival in the Homeland. Judging bv his form in snaring all hands for the Sunday night service, he should be a certainty.

That the O.C. E, 31st. was distinctly seen to smile whi’.st playing deck quoits on Wednesday, the 5th inst., at 4.30 p.m. The necessary two witnesses are prepared to give evidence o p oath.

Phlebites is a disease that the doctor knows about. Bugbites we all know about.

T hat the “ M asonic” cure for vaccination was a washout. The inventor himiself went down with the disease.

That the most popular French words taught are : “ Made­moiselle, ma petite, and ma cherie.”

That it is not only in the refrigerator th a t men get cold feet; even in the tropics some have two blankets at the foot of the bed.

That the men sympathise with the officers in regard to messing arrangements. Every day the orderly corporal receives a shoal of complaints when visiting the saloon, wihereas the companies mess rooms resemble high-class restaurants.

That platoon commanders are in want of lectures. We advise Tangent and Quadrant Angles,” by Professor Pearce.

That a new disease has appeared. F irst stage—growth on the upper lip (immediate relief at cabin 68).

That Balfour is to be struck off the strength and absorbed with his original rank and seniority as “ non-commissioned- priva te .”

That W - - - 1 - - - n, B Company, will deliver a series of lectures on loyalty on arrival in England.

That B Company is lost without its old favourites “ (Jet back ” and “ CoYer off.” They are believed to be on board.

That with the stopjpihig of the beef tea issue the number of seasick cases diminished considerably, also th at the beef ton sometimes had a smell suggestive of a private bar.

That the head chef, though his name is Mounsey, n e \v>' preaches the parable of “ The. Live W ires.”

That a musical N.C.O. will soon be promoted to the rank of lieutenant-colonel of the band. This promotion will appear in Lat. II. 0 . a t an early date.

That after receiving treatm ent from the N.Z.M.C. boys a scribe writes, “ A boil in the kettle’s worth two on the neck.”

That the sergeants found the hospital so comfortable that they want- to change their quarters.

That there were ten N.C.O .’s out of nineteen patients. Is it- the white sheets or the fresh water?

That B Company hold the record for hospital cases. Have they missed their Glaxo?

That a Ready feint near the hospital deceived the doctor into opening a black bottle.

That a certain individual on hearing the order re the removal of g ift parcels from cabins announced w ith much heat th at he’d take d----- good care his parcels were not consecrated.

That two sergeants in E, 31st, who in the days of Civie Togs wielded Government chalk and canes, have found the English language altogether inadequate to give expression to their opinions to vaccinations. Judging by their m idnight mutter- ingssthe g ift of tongues has indeed descended upon them.

T hat the sergeant of E, 31st, who smokes a cigar as if he is a novice at the game, required a fatigue party of eight to carry -his K. .shed parcels to his cabin. Also th at" th e rumour circu­lated by spectators at his skipping exhibition that Teddie was educated at a young ladies’ college is absolutely without founda­tion; in fact, we can confidently state th a t his effort when bumped by a burly private on the eighth day afte r vaccination was most decidedly not learned in any ladies’ school.

That Sergeant Butler complains that since his first attem pt he has not received applications for his services as counsel for the defence in any of the recent courts-martial. The reason for this complaint is that he cannot th ink of any other way of dodging parade since Corporal Davis beat him for his job in B Company’s orderly room, and his vaccination is nearly healed.

T hat mess orderlies never keep the dainty bits for their own plates. Unselfish race!

THE GREY FUNNEL. 13

ROUTINE ORDERS.Note.—The following orders are reprinted exactly as issued

on the dates mentioned.—

A r t i f i c i a l T e e t h , N o v e m b e r 2 3 r d .

“ All troops wearing artificial teeth must be careful to remove same before being sea-sick.”

For preference throw them up on your cabin m ate’s bunk.

C a b i n s a n d D o r m i t o r i e s , N o v e m b e r 2 5 t h .

' ; No traffic is allowed through dormitories or cabins between 8.30 a.m. and 11 a.m .”

Those desirous of passing through cabins during other hours may go in by the door and out through the port-hole.

M e d i c a l I n s p e c t i o n , N o v e m b e r 2 5 t h .

“ All N .C.O .’s and men of all units . . . will parade on their respective parade decks at 2- p.m. on Monday, 26th November, for private medical inspection.” .

Exquisitely subtle !B o a r d o f E n q u i r y , N o v e m b e r 2 7 t h .

“ The President will ensure that members of the board, together with all necessary evidence, are duly wrarned to attend at the time and place arranged for.”

Any necessary evidence not duly warned will be deemed inad­missible.

S t o w i n g o f K i t - B a g s , N o v e m b e r 2 7 t h .

‘ Kit-bags will be sknved in No. 2 Hold to-day. The following articles only will not be packed in kit-bags:—1 serge uniform, 1 slouch hat, 2 prs. sox, sea-kit, knife, fork, and spoon. All other articles, including tin plate, must be stowed in kit-bags.”

Men will so become accustomed to doing without soap, towels, tooth brushes, hairbrushes, combs, razors, mirrors, handkerchiefs, shirts, singlets, drawers, trousers, breeches, boots, blankets, and other impedimenta.

F a t i g u e s , N o v e m b e r 2 9 t h .

“ The unit for duty will furnish :—1 man to clean coal trim ­mers' cabin No. 11 Port Side Shelter Deck.”

And another convey to them their morning tea, toast, and shav­ing water at 7 a.m. sharp. Silver salvers may be requisitioned for this purpose from the Chief Steward,

C l e a n l i n e s s o f C a b i n s , N o v e m b e r 2 9 t h .

“ Sufficient attention is not yet paid to bunk boards. These cannot be cleaned without first lifting the bedding.”

Nor, when retiring, will troops find it convenient to undress w ithout removing their clothes.

W a s h i n g , N o v e m b e r 2 9 t h .

“ Clothes are not to be hung up on the boat deck.”Nor may they be suspended on the cabin floors.

R o u t i n e , N o v e m b e r 2 9 t h .

“ Tlie daily routine is altered as follows :—Delete Physical Drill before breakfast; substitute 6.15 a.m. roll call, 9.30 p.m. lights out.”

It is yet to be determined wdiether the substitute will equal the original in beneficial effect.

G u a r d s a n d S e n t r i e s , N o v e m b e r 2 9 t h .

“ Smoking, sitting, or reading by guards or Sentries while on duty are strictly forbidden.”

Such privileges “ i s ” reserved for the guards themselves.

W a s h i n g o f C l o t h e s , D e c e m b e r 1 s t .

“ Unit Quartermaster-Sergeants will personally supervise the drawing of tubs, fresh water, and soap at main lavatory and return of utensils and unused soap, and washing dowm decks.”

The cost of any washing down decks not returned will be a charge on canteen funds.

C h u r c h P a r a d e , D e c e m b e r 1 s t .

“ Companies to parade on their parade decks 15 minutes before time ordered.”

This, it should be explained, is merely in accordance with the alteration of the ship’s clock. Should the clock be put back 15 minutes, companies will fall out at the time ordered to fall in.

D r e s s , D e c e m b e r 4 t h .

From this date shorts without tunics are to be worn. No puttees; bare feet optional.”

Any bare feet not worn must be carefully folded and placed on top of blankets.

E l e c t r ic T o r c h e s , D e c e m b e r 6 t h .

“ All electric torches owned by individuals or units to be handed to the Ship’s Quartermaster by 7 p.m. on the 5th inst.”

Owners of the same are warned they must “ never put off till to-day what they can do to-morrow.”

N o t i c e s , D e c e m b e r 1 2 t h .

‘■’Found scribbling book containing two photos, also felt hat, and cigarette-holder in case. Apply to Ship’s Sergeant-major.”

In future all scribbling books containing hats, boots, overcoats, or other military apparel wrill be confiscated.

N ow Carless is king amongst plaster,And no one can stick it on faster;

But his nose got a twist,Took to starboard a list,

When the corporal turned out to be master.

S p i t t i n g o n D e c k s , D e c e m b e r 2 3 r d .“ Spitting on decks is strictly prohibited.”This privilege is reserved for the ship’s crew.

D u t i e s o f S e n t r i e s , J a n u a r y 3 r d .“ Each sentry will be issued with a rifle and ten rounds of

ammunition, but this must be kept in the pockets till a definite order to load is given.”

Any rifle that will not easily go into a pocket may be concealed beneath the hat or Balaclava.

14 TH E GREY FUNiNEL.

A NIGHT ALARM.

I t was pitch dark, a high wind played eerie tune's upon the rigging, and decks were wet w ith rain and spray. “ Lights Out ” had sounded, the lambs had mothered up, and even the mopoke’s plaintive call had ceased to echo in the alleyways. Whooooooeeeeeow! The a la rm ! Thait single blast from the syren. W hat had happened ? Men still but half awake jumped, fell almost, from out their bunks. Some in tiheir shirts, some in pyjamas, and one at least adorned only witJh his number disc, grabbed their lifebelts and, groping in the darkness, made for boat and raft stations with suoh speed as circumstances would allow. Others, again, less concerned, were not prepared to meet

.such fate as m ight be theirs so scantily attired. One sergeant

who wears eights slipped his feet iruto a pair of tens. His cabin mate, who wears tens, found a pair of eights, and cursedaccordingly. Sergeant S------th thought he was getting histrousers on until ihiis right leg jambed in the sleeve ot his denim jacket. Sergeant .Sh—w did better, but arrived at his station with his shorts on back to front. P rivate ———•, who was se­curely locked up in the clink, howled for deliverance. P rivate “ B um per” and “ Ben Cl—k ” blasted each the other for his portliness as they became jambed in a doorway. The S.S.M. was searching beneath, his bunk when the R.Q.M.S. sprang out and landed on his head, and the S.S.M. spoke accordingly. Sergeant E —v—y made desperate efforts to get through his cabin’s wall until he woke up sufficiently to discover there was an easier exit. P rivate D—11—n made the irreparable mistake of throwing the string of his lifebelt over tlhe head of a com­rade already 'hastening to his station.

Eventually, .however, stations were duly reached, belts were adjusted, and we learnt the worst—it was a “ washout ” ! Some­one had pulled the wrong string, fallen across the syren’s cord or something. And so wet men, cold men, laughing men, and cursing men retraced their steps, and Driver H—sh—n, who had slept peaoably through it all, woke up to inquire, “ W hat’s all the bother about? ” I t need only be added that, when asked during m ess’the following morning how he got on when the alarm sounded, S.M. T—wn—d, who sleeps alongside our col­lective wealth, inquired, “ W hat alarm?

THE HEADS OF “ B ” COMPANY.

Mr. Mason’s B. Company’s O.C.,H e’s as gentle and kind as can be ;

But “ bayonets unfix,”From “ Ground a rm s” are the tricks

T hat he sometimes rings on us, you see.

Next is Mitchell, of great boxing fame,By beating Harnell he made a great name.

When “ Quick Moorch,” we hear,We know Mitchell is near,

So we have to. of course, play the game.

Mr. Paulsen’s O.C. No. 6,And he really does teach them some tricks.

He runs a French lesson,Which keeps the men guessin’.

With their training what more will he mix.

Then, of course, there is Lieutenant Wade. He has No. 8 quite afraid

W ith his “ W atch it, men; watch i t ,” They know they will “ Cotch i t ,”

If at drill a mistake they have made.

S. M. L ittle’s the card-sharper lad,W ith his winnings we oft see him g lad ;

But look out for the snap When at poker or nap,

For with US he says gambling is bad.

Last but not least there is me,Of 7 I ’m acting O.C.,

I ’ve a Sergeant named Cohen,Who by his actions has shown

That a General’s the least he should be.

The medical authorities have discovered . th at roll-calling is good as a healtiii-giver and appetiser, so one of the companies th a t parades on the boat deck has given it a test, and for a s ta rt are trying it half-a-dozen times a day; dose to be increased if result satisfactory.

THE GREY FUNNEL. 15

16 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF FLYING.

B Y S E A P L A N E .

There are many surprises in store for the novice at a flying school. He sees the machine go up in the air and he wonders what it feels like, bu t there are many things for him to think about before he makes his first flight.

The first trip is just a “ joy-ride,'’ as the pupil merely tries to get used to the feeling of bein^.up, in the air, and does not touch the controls.

These few remarks apply only to seaplanes. You get into the “ bus,” as it is always called, and take your seat beside the instructor, who looks at you and, recognising th at you are a new man, grins through his leather helmet. He opens the th ro ttle slowly, the engine s ta rts to roar, and the bus gathers up speed over the water. 1 f the sea is at all rough this is inclined to be rather a wet business.

Occasionally, when starting, the instructor pushes the ele­vators forward and then pulls them back again, setting up a kind of porpoising motion. You look at him, thinking he is having a joke a t your expense, but in reality he is only trying to get the bus planing or skipping along on the top of the water. She goes along like this for some little time, gathering up speed; then, suddenly, the instructor brings his hands back a little, the bus seems to take a little jump forward, and, before you have time to realise it, you are in mid-air. Everything seems to be dropping except yourself—water, boats, wharves, in faot, all appear to be falling. A fter a minute or so of this you get more or less accustomed to it and s ta rt looking about you. You take your hands off the seat, which you haveibeen hang­ing on to for dear life, and, df you are very brave, you turn your head and look over the side. When you come to straighten your head again, you notice the wind pressure on the side of the face, which puts a considerable strain on the neck—in fact, if you put your arm over the. side unprepared for the wind it will be thrown against the struts with some force.

If the instructor thinks you are getting too chirpy, he deter­mines to take a rise out of you. He climbs up to a fair height and volplanes—i.e., he switches off the engine, pushes the nose of the bus earthward, and glides down to the water. The first vol. is guaranteed to send a thrill through anyone. You feel as if you had left your stomach up in the air, exactly as some people feel on a swing; also that the instructor has gone mad and th at there is certainly- going to be a smash. This feeling lasts for about ten seconds, after which you think that perhaps you will avoid an accident, and then you see th at things are going to be all right.

Of. course, all people may not have the same sensations; but I have the name of one person who felt exactly like th is on his first vol. Some are naturally more timid than others, while some do not like admitting th a t they felt anything akin to fear.

On your next trip you put your hands on the controls and gradually learn to keep the bus steady in the air. When you have had a Little practice a t this, you are put on to landings. The instructor shows you how to land the bus correctly, and it seems to be simplicity itself. But not so. Possibly you makea. couple of fair landings; the instructor savs, “ Good,” and smiles. At the next attem pt you will probably h it the water full throttle and bounce about forty feet up in the air. The instructor grabs the controls, brings the bus down, and lands her, makes more remarks, but does not smile. When this has happened about a dozen times small blame to the instructor if he does wax eloquent.

After a while, when you get more proficient with the bus and gain confidence in yourself, you are pronounced fit for solo work. The first solo trip is generally rather exciting. I t usually takes place at about 5 a.m. on a cold morning, when you are only half awake. You go out in the bus feeling th a t if you do make a mistake there is no one to correct it bu t yourself. You make a slight mistake, and then you are fully awake in

about two acts. You go on making landings to the mark and figure eights, with a few bad landings, bumps, and air pockets to break the monotony. A ir pockets cause no little excitement. You are flying along m errily when suddenly, without the least warning, the whole bus drops, sometimes tw enty feet or more. Occasionally one wing only drops, and the bus tends to go over on its side, and then you may strike an up current, and the bus lifts straight again.

A fter patiently waiting, a good day comes, and the tests are held, the m ilitary observers attending to watch the exhibition. I f unfortunate enough to meet a rising wind, you have to de­scend again and wait another month or so for a second good day.

You receive notice to report a t headquarters, are placed aboard a troopship, and are then on your way, as the chief officer of one of the troopships so comfortingly remarked, “ To commit suicide.”

RANDOM SHOTS

D S l’« C.-S.-M.'s Colyer,On deck there was nobody jollier,

But sad to confess,His speeches at mess

Made all the men melancholier.

There was a Quartermaster named Ford, A t boxing he thought himself lord ;

But, when up against Cohen,He was very soon shown

His boxing was all a d----- d fraud.

Sergeant Skipwith is one of the lads,On the tracks he used to fill pads,

But, racing forgotten,For the mag. he’s now jo ttin ’

On each individual’s fads.

S.-M. Barnsley’s aboard of this ship,H e'd like all the day just to sk ip ;

To be roused out of bed To see the men fed,

I t gave him a desperate pip.

Our barber, who’s named George Green, Savs Reveille’s offensive and mean ;

But a t night he shaves well,Though the door gives him H------,

And his razors are rapid and keen.

Now each day sees a thorough inspection, Which brings to many dejection;

When officer Cordy Detects any fraud, he

Lodges a solid objection.

Stephenson, Corp. of the Specs,His clean sheet most woefully wrecks;

Prunes, muscatels,Create horrid smells,

And must not be left on the decks.

In the mess room each night we may hear Sounds of music and m irth without beer,

A leader in song,At monologues strong,

Private Greenhow is e’er without peer.

A soldier from Company D,Heard a lecture by Pearce, of M .G.,

Who explained quadrant angle,P u t the man in a tangle,

And the verdict was felo-de-se.

THE GREY FUNNEL. 17

S E E N

ON

B O A R D .

CHILLY MORNINGS. DECK QUOITS.

THE GREY FUNNEL. D CO.’s N.C.O.’s.

LAZY MOMENTS.

ARMY AND NAVY.BOATS OUT.

18 THE GREY FUNNEL.

THE GREAT GREY CANOE.(W ith H u m b le A p o lo g ie s to L o n g fe llo w .)

A t brave H iaw atha’s wedding Sat lagoo, old and ugly,Sat lagoo, the great boaster,He the marvellous story-teller.

And the people of the village Harkened to him, as he told them Of his wanderings far to southward, To the kingdom of Ponema,To the land of the Hereafter.

He had seen, he said, a water Bigger than the Big-Sea-Water, Broader than the Gitchee Gumee, Bitter so th at none could drink i t !(And the warriors and the women, Laughing, answered him in. this wise : “ Ugh! it is indeed lagoo,No one else beholds such wonders.” )

“ And the evening sun, descending, L it the clouds on fire with redness, Burned the broad sky, like a prairie, Left upon the level water One long track and trail of splendour,

H IA W A T H A REVISED.

Down whose stream, as down a river,Came a great canoe all smoking,Bigger than a grove of pine-trees,Higher than the tallest tree-tops,Breathing fiery clouds and. vapours.And it glided, yet no paddles Dipped from its grey sides of iron,Dipped from sides not bark, but iron !“ In i t ,” said he, “ came a people.Came,” said he, “ a thousand warriors.Painted white were all their faces,And they called it a Willochra-.”

(But the old men and the women Looked and tittered at each other.“ Kaw !” said they, “ We don’t believe it! ” Asked fair Minnehaha, laughing,' ‘ Did they bring their sweethearts with them, Or, like Movis, the snow bridegroom,Did they melt into the sunshine?” )

Laughing answered old lagoo :“ Who shall say what thoughts and visions Pill the fiery brains of young men ?Signals of distress were burning In their fa ther’s homeland eastward.Whence a smoke rose, slowly, slowly,Liko a enow-wihrLte cloud unfolding,Ever rising, rising, rising,Till it touched the top of heaven,Till it broke against the 'heaven,And rolled outwards all about it.

“ Yet I caught them gazing eastward, Far beyond th a t fiery sunset,Through t-he doorway of the heavens, Through, the opening of cloud-curtains, Back to Aotea Roa

“ Was it not to see a maiden, Minnehaha, Laughing W ater,Peeping from behind those cu rta in s; Hear the rustling of her garments From behind those cloudy curtains,As one sees the Minnehaha,Smiling, glancing, through the branches, As one hears the Laughing W ater From behind its screen of branches? ”

“ Ugh ! ” the old men all dissented From their seats beneath the pine-trees.

Only H iawatha laughed not.But he gi'avely spake and answered, “ True is all you say, lagoo.I have seen it in a vision,Seen the people with white faces,People of the iron vessel.By the signal-smoke you speak of.By the signal far to eastward,Bending like a wand of willow,Waving like a hand th at beckons, Gitche Manito, the Mighty,He the Master of Life, descending, Calls His warriors to His councils,

“ And this sky th at arches westward, His inverted hand above them,Shall protect their loved ones for them, And I saw them in my vision To their western .homes returning Like the wandering snn, now glowing On that glowing western bosom.”

“ LOOKING AHEAD.’Twenty, t th irty , years hence, perhaps, as some of us

are rummaging among the odds and ends of literature th at accumulate upon out-of-the-way shelves, we shall chance to finger an unpretentious pamphlet.

Bearing it into greater light, its faded tit le may still be spelled—'The G r e y F u n n e l . Yes, there it will be,’ this same little magazine, now newly-born, and for which, partly , perhaps, out of a half-conceived sense of duty, a silver coin is given.

Regard is as we may now—something w ith which to while away a workless hour, a„, trifle to send home to her, be she mother, wife, or maid, in token of lasting esteem—evei’y pass­ing year will surely lend to it increased value.

As our old eyes scan its still clear prin t our memories of incidents long since forgotten will crowd the mind— reveille, sick parades, physical “ tortures,” double quick m ark times, fatigues, cramped cabins, relay meals, hose baths, fire alarms, concents, deck games, Sunday services, vaccination, washing days, dry canteen, lights out, and the sounds nightly of a menagerie let loose. We shall live through it all again at our leisure, and he who, seated in a friendly old arm chair, his feet in ancient ibath slippers, his favourite pipe going well, a bright fire crackling m errily in the grate, a glass of something a t his elbow, and perchance a wife and bairns around him, will not bless the day he determined to preserve a ccpy of this humble record will be ungrateful indeed. For record it assuredly ■will beoome, a record of our thoughts and manner of living when setting out upon that which must, alas ! for some be a trek to Shadowland.

That a sergeant known to many as the Australian Skvlark endeavoured to flood the ship one night soon afte r embarking, and it is impossible to contemplate the result had not H - rm - 1 stemmed the tide.

THE GREY FUNNEL. 19

OFFICERS UNDER FIRE.

Wit'll freedom from j.be, joke, and 'jest,Uur olhcers are usuany 'b lest:

±5lit in this magazine,W ith reailv no spleen.

We hit them with keenness and zest.

Reports say that Francis B. A.Is. over-inclined to be gay;

But get him 011 drink And you’ll lind lie's a kink,

But that runs in the family, they say.

A genial wee warbler is .Mason,His voice is a tenor or .base’u n ;

But his officers’ sihow Didn’t very well go.

He declared that the songs would disgrace ’un.

Bold Angel, a Maori boys’ king,No song re his medal will sing.

W ith hakas so weird No doubt he’d be feared,

And of killing make quite a big thing.

The return to the war of Le Cren Will alarm all the enemy’s men.

When he gets on Samoa,By Jove! he’s some blower—

Has his ardour diminished since then ?

The rule that the skull be well-diaved In 'ihe case of Jock Mander is waived,

For when it grows longI t becomes so d----- strong.

By the spikes on his nut lie’ll be saved.

The E ditor’s staff is a great one,Fat Malcolm, thin Hinton it run.

Of our articles good They' make fishes’ food,

T h e G r e y F u n n e l w i l l s u r e ly b e o u t d o n e .

That tali, languid bloke we call Hart,He very much misses his t a r t ;

Though he can’t have his boozes.He still has his snoozes,

And in E Company plays a fine part.

We have a young man named Cahill,Who says now, when no longer ill.

“ Don’t get seasick? Eli, what!T hat’s all tommy rot—

I t did me more good than a pill.”

Mr. Paulsen, of Company B,Teaches French in a fashion “ Parec ” ;

And at mealtimes you’ll hear,Please “ passay dew burr,”

And “ Merei. trez buccup, mossee.”

In the trenches long Thomas Melrose Is doin’ no raise on yer toes ;

If he did he’d be spottedAnd d----- quickly potted.

And a bright career brought to a close.

Trembath. A.S.C., is the runner,On the track he's a regular .stunner;

On (inspection he gloats.Taking copious notes,

And at quoits 'hits the mark like a gunner.

Our padre, who’s named Hakiwai,On Sunday points up to the sky.

Tho’ perhaps I am bold,He thinks, I am ‘told,

That the men should have officers’ kai.

The O.C. canteen is Ralph Somers,And none of the civies called bummers

Gets business so quick,So well avoids t ic k ;

Yes, he and his staff are all hummers.

Now' Callan, our lawyer O.C.,Says wall-gazing’s worse than C.B.

With reference books He frightens the crooks,

But his rulings are all up a tree.

Our A djutant always is Ready To make things run happy and steady,

But routine orders Find many applauders,

For, damme, they’re not very heady.

A very fine figure is Wade,From the barber he needs little aid.

Round B Company’s men He clucks like a hen ;

His promotion can NOT be delayed.

O. C. SH P.

20 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.Q.M.—We are unable to trace the R,Q.M.S. hours. Can you

give his hours at home, though ?

F. Lees.—Bug powder can be obtained from the ship’s quarter­master. You must bring your bites with you.

Iiah ill, B, 32nd.—Perhaps Heley could give you more inform a­tion as to the penalties for overstaying leave.

Dick H. wants to know where he can get a copy of “ W here duty lies.” Try L. F. V. Pyke, publisher, c/'o J) Co., 32nd.

Sergt. Canteen.—Despite diligent searching, we regret we are unable to trace Sergt. Gorrie on this boat. Try Maunganui.

Bosun.—We are unable to trace anyone aboard answering the name of Grannv. There is a person called “ A unty.” TryB, 32nd.

Mr. C - b - - l . — Eh} what! Ye.;, head gear in war time is quite a problem. Beg pardon ! Y'es, light felt hats are very becoming.

Cap. E .—We also would like a drop if we could get it, but you know it is prohibited. You can get lemonade, though, at canteen.

Diner wants to know the origin of the spuds aboard. These are the last of the lot donated by the Dalmation Gumdiggers to the 2nd Reinforcement.

Ornithologist asks. “ Are there any collections of the W illochra bugs kept aboard? ” Y"es, most cabins have a collection, and Pte. P - -11, B. 32nd, has a private one.

Mr. Mi - h - -1.—No, we have not seen the key of the anchor. We regret it can’t be found. You say you saw the chief officer and the chief engineer. We suggest you should see a specialist.

Mr. M - - d - r .- O.C. ship regrets that he didn’t appoint a gorse grubber on board as well as a barber. However, in the absence of wire gauze your brain box will always provide a good substitute.

Davidson, B. 32nd.—Yes, Robb, the Australian Ruff, has proved an excellent charman. I t is understood th a t a fte r the war he and Barry the Boozer in tend,starting a universal clearing business.

Bai. B, 32nd.—You are quite right about B - - tl - t t and his Willochran Band. Had you both not taken to the hospital so kindly the band might have beaten Sousa’s in the Newport- news Competition.

Feilding, B, 32nd.—It is, indeed, unfortunate th at you did not bring a little bug powder on board with you. Perhaps V. F. Paul may be able to supply you with some. Zam-Buk is good, but don’t rub it in.

Larking, B; 32nd.—Yes, Corporal Pane intends investing part of his pay in a runabout, so you can look forward for a good time in the “ Old D art.” But, of course, it won’t pay either of you to parade sick tco often.

Snowy asks us for a-full personal description of the canteen sergeant. We have seen very little of him, excepting a t meal hours. All we know is that he is bald, stutters badly, has seven fake teeth, and two glass eyes.

Mr. A - d - ms.-—We agree with you that the brandy sauce is not strong enough; but why growl, for you know “ There will be a route march in the morning.” But since you will “ Not be th e re ” you require very little stimulant.

Q.M.S.—N o; courts .of inquiry properly conducted are not very great ordeals. Decorations, as for example the D.C.M., given for long service in volunteer army, should always be worn. Answers should be made in a deferential—in fact, reverential— manner, in spite of personal feelings.

O.C. Ship.—YTes! A man who spits on the deck is deserving of most drastic punishment, although the offenders may have been confusing swabbing at Trentham w ith deck swabbing. In regard to your second query, afte r the war we would advise you to teach voice culture. Trentham demonstration in battalion command will be of immense value.

Captain Edwin.—The ship’s roll, the exitent of which may be aggravated by' faulty helmsmanship, especially a t meal times, is due to an unequal distribution of hydrostatic pressure, exerted latitudinally and successively^ upon its starboard and larboard sides. Such motion having been set up, the ship’s centre of gravity or “ point of balance” becomes in a constant state of indeterm inate flux. To accurately fix this Very elusive point is not infrequently a m atter of excessive difficulty. A t least, a comprehensive knowledge of dynamics and an elementary ac­quaintance with differentiation and integration are essential. I t is only in accordance with the nicety of his determination thereof that the naval architect can correctly calculate the extent of beam, in proportion to the ship’s depth, necessary to ensure stability. We regret th at lack of space'has compelled us to deal with this subject so concisely.

THE “ COLLEGE BOYS.”Any record of our trip would be incomplete w ithout reference

to the men who line up in front of the chip’s orderly room at various times of the day in response to a well-known bugle call. They form the C.B. .squad, but call themselves the “ College Boys,” remarking facetiously that they have got the job through their higher education.

The m ajority of the squad are permanents for the voyage. From day to day new names are noticed on the roll'being called, but they soon disappear.

A fter the 8.30 a.m. and 1.45 p.m. calls, the men are handed over to the tender mercies of the bo’sun, who finds work to engage their energies for the day.

The perm anent brigade contains not a few celebrities. We have Mac. of steepleehasing fame, of whom one of his mates has said, touching his working capabilities, “ Mac is one of those unhappy mediums, you know. He is too heavy for lightwork and too light for heavy work.” Then there is big H ------,who has an independent spirit, which prevents hiim from doing ungrudgingly any work at all. Mayhap he wall find Sling hard and unsympathetic.

W hat a boon vaccination was to some of these men ! The large sick parades of men suffering from the effects of the doc­to r’s scraping needle were an open invitation to those with lead-swinging proclivities. But, in justice, let us not confine this weakness to the College Boys.

The versatility of my heroes is shown at roll-call. “ W hywere you not here ait 7.30 p.m., F ------? ” asks the sergeant.F ------replies, “ I was watching you at the boxing, sergeant.and said to myself th a t if I kept my eye on you I would be all right. Then all of a sudden you seemed to disappear and T could not find you. In looking for you I missed the call.” Another dialogue : “ I t ’s very cold to-night, sergeant.” inno­cently remarks K------. “ You know, sergeant, these calls areworse for you than for us, for you have done nothing to de­serve i t .” The sergeant agrees. “ I t is a shame,” says K------.and then, after a tactful pause, “ W hat about cutting out the last parade to-night, sergeant? ” Some men are born to be generals.

In conclusion, may I hope th«t our trip has not been unplea­sant for the College Boys? I th ink it has not. As a class they have a sense of humour which helms to make .all things bear­able. and which will be a valuable asset in the stern game ahead.

THE GREY FUNNEL. 21fe not

s 'vorn> -ntiaU

Serving * have n.g- In ■'ise you aHalion

may be I times.exerted aboard ;ntre ofstate of point is least, a ary ac- tial. 1‘ nination ate the ssarv t« lelled us

'eference room at igle call.‘ College through

voyage, g called,

handed work to

es. We is mates ; one of for light ; H - mi doing ling hard

•n! Tie the doc-

ose with t confine

“Whysergeant, sergeant, would be pear and he call.1' t,” inno- calls are ig to de- is K—"• ■ out the r„ to be

n anplea- :lass theyi<t?

TRAINING ON BOARD

Forty days and forty nights. Such is the approximate period during which New Zealand troops must be imprisoned 011 board a transport, and this lengthy incarceration does not altogether lend itself to the maintenance of that standard of discipline and physical fitness that, has been attained in our military camps. Deck space is on all occasions a t a premium, but never do we feel so cramped as when companies are lined up each on its allotted area to carry out the daily training. However, Sling with all its rumoured terrors presses close upon us, and we roust needs make the best of those facilities available or suffer later for our idleness and consequent unfitness.

Room for marching there is not, so we have recourse to our old-time friend—-physical jerks. Morning a,nd afternoon, hot or cold, we indulge in such exercises as a crowded deck and a rolling boat will allow; and marvel of marvels—even officers and N.C.O.’s—an indolent and a ponderous race—strip off and join the fray. How refreshing it is to the hard-driven private to see his officer straihing and striving “ 011 the Hands down ” ! How gratifying to watch a fault-finding corporal “ On the back,” struggling with his own pedal extremities as he vainly tries to raise those obstinate members above the ground level. How soothing to observe a biting sergeant-major flushing fu ri­ously as he exerts his abdominal muscles in. “ The body raise ” act. In spite of the ingenuity and imagination of the instruc­tor, his seriously curtailed repertoire of exercises is a t length exhausted, and some items must of necessity be repeated even though he be aware of the craving for novelty. But the m ajority have reaped considerable benefit from this work, for every muscle of the human anatomy has been called into action during that half-hour of stretching and straining, lifting and lunging. True there were amongst us those who, during those long enervating hours in the tropics, when the beaded sweat lay thick upon our bodies and no light breeze-fanned the. drip­ping brow, merely dallied with their task and emerged unruffled by exertion. May these artful dodgers fall into the grip of the most fiendish of those instructors who await our arrival in Sling.

Perspiring and weary, all are gathered together “ For a lec­tu re .” Several of our parade-free brethren, such as adjutants, pantrymen, orderly sergeants, and doctors, have made a practice of poking round, the boat during training hours and lingering only near those spots where they heard some strident voice haranguing the multitude. Widely varied are the subjects they delved into. Let us follow them in. their instructive tour through the various companies. Here we find a vivid word- picture of the fiendish gas attack, with further on a dissertation on protective measures ; no.w a- trench specialist brings us into the danger-zone, and now an outpost commander makes his dispositions; here we are thrilled by the blood-curdling descrio- tion of a mad charge on Gallipoli, while there a youthful sub. stirs our manhood with the daring night raids of France. One officer evaded a promised lecture on whale-craft and thereby freed another from instruction on eels.

The lectures were declared by all to be varied and instructive, but severe condemnation was passed on those sonorous sounds sent forth by sleeping soldiers stretched in the shelter on the boat deck. Questions on the lecture made painfully apparent the lack of ventriloquistic powers amongst the men and the slowness with which messages were passed to the unfortunates in distress. However, the quickness of tihe men to assimilate and the power to retain the knowledge imparted to them must have been highly gratifying to those lecturing.

Question hour finished, eaoh man threads his way back to his own squad to receive instruction in semaphore. For some time these classes suffered from the disadvantage that we had few qualified instructors, and before some corporals could turn up their pocket books and make sure of the correct position of the right arm in the next circle, many men had forgotten what they had already learnt. Now, however, the work has been under­taken by a competent commissioned officer employing the latest American methods, and we bid fair to be in a position to dispense with the wireless operators and all their complicated

installation and force them to establish contact with a wave of higher pitch, and greater frequency than any they have hitherto dealt with.

Once again the work changes, for, much to. our dismay, our old enemy the rifle has been dug up from the bowels of the ship, and we are asked to begin afresh on an elementary musketry course. We dream once more of Featherston Fields and Tauherinekau stones, for is not that the old familiar cry of “ Standing load ” issuing forth from the well-practised throat of our own sergeant? But, alas! the spell is broken—there is no clock tower, no lone pine, and no tin- hut—Jove and Father Neptune are our points of aim. The white-crested wave and the feather cloud replace our ancient landmarks.

The study of French, too, has claimed our attention, but considerable disgust has been felt a t the language of the parlez- vous, especially with regard to its masculines and feminines Some admit,' indeed, th at they had looked forward to dealings

OUR BANDMASTER.

with French females, but few had expected to encounter such difficulties with French genders as have been ours. However, all set to work with a will, and, in spite of amateur tuition, it is certain that the majority of the men on Troopship No. 95 are capable of expressing their daily wants in the language of Froggy.

And thus the work goes on, but rivalry is the mioat efficient method of getting the utmost from any man, and so the training of a body is continued long after parade hours. Tug-o’-war events, skipping, boxing, punch-ball, and many lighter forms of amusement can surely be included under the heading of training and are often inserted as such in the daily syllabus. The reader can see, therefore, th at during this long period on the water, in spite of all the difficulties in the way of proper m ilitary instruction, the soldier acquires valuable service knowledge aa well as physical fitness. W orst luck for the Huns !

22 T H E GREY FUNNEL.

OVERHEARD.

Driver M-h-ri 32nd A.S.C. (on being asked whether he would care to tackle coal trim m ing): “ Sure, I would not. I t takes a man with a wake head and a sthrong back for th at koind of w urrk.5 ’

The N.C.O. (persistently): “ But there's extra pay attached to it ”

Driver M. : “ Ah, well, I ’ve got enough money to last me for my loife if I get shot to-morrow.”

Private B. believes it is his bronichad tubes wot makes him wheeze.

Pvte. B. (officer wearing a ribbon on his breast having just passed by): “ W ot’s th at bleedin’ ribbon ’e’s a w earing?”

Driver P-t-n 32nd A.S.C. : “ That—oh, th a t’s the crocks de jerry ,” which, being interpreted, means Croix de Guerre.

(First morning out.) “ Hullo, Bill (leaning limply over the rails), not feelin’ too strong?”

B ill; “ Oh, I don’t know, chum, I ’m throwing mine as far as the rest, ain’t I ? ”

I/E n ten te Cordiale is a town in France.

Ship’s Assistant Q.M. (during tour of inspection on entering the Maori quarters) : “ Why is that man not on deck? ”

The Culprit : “ Ju st down gettin’ razor, s ir.”Dormitory Orderly (vehemently): “ Don’t I tole you half hour

ago to get to H —11 out of dis. You hurry plurry quick, tripple, or I don’t terra you no more.”

W hat would you do in an immergency—imergency—emmer- gencv—d—n the chalk? Ask the O.C., N.Z.M.G.S.

Sergeant-major: “ Lend me a kn ife?”P rivate : “ Pipe or pencil, s ir.”

Officer (to his platoon B. 32): “ Well, boys, what have you contributed to your m agazine?”

Innocent Adam : “ We haven’t been paid yet, s ir.”

Officer (asking for a man to represent Company on magazine committee): “ Any nom inations?”

Private : “ Pte. S------, sir.”Officer: “ W hat are his qualifications?”P riva te : “ Mess orderly, sir.”

Officer (about to give a lecture on French language) : “ You may smoke, men, but don’t go to sleep.”

Pte. Brown (Orderly Room runner to O.C. B. 32): “ Excuse me, sir, bu t you are required in the orderly room.”

Percy: “ Which orderly room ?”Pte. B. : “ I don’t know, sir, but the one I ’ve just come from.”

M aster of Ship (after boat drill): “ Well, padre, those are our arrangements in case we are submarined or some other catastrophe occurs which necessitates our leaving the ship. For the rest we m ust put our trus t in the Alm ighty.”

Padre: “ Mercy on us, I hope we shall never be reduced to th a t.”

In the Sergeants’ Mess.—Sgt. P - v : “ Steak and macaroni, please.”

Sgt. S-k-h : “ Yes, th at will suit m e.”Orderly: “ Two stakes and Marconis ! ”

2nd Lt. M-m. : This bally sea trip is good for a man.2nd Lt. H -t-n : Yes; it certainly calls forth the best that is in

you.”

A SOLDIERS THOUGHTS.

New Z ealand! Land of lofty peaks th a t rear their snowy crests high in azure skies; land of bushy glades, rich in verdant fernery, sweet with rippling notes from feathered th ro a ts ; land of roaring torrent, fiercely sweeping down from towering heights; land of gentler rill than ever slaked the th irs t of weary men. Land of beauty, land of peace.

These thoughts steal over many a war-worn soldier son from those far distant shores; but greater is the thought th a t follows— New Zealand ! Land where every heart beats true, where those who cannot fight for England strive with might and main work­ing for those who can; abode of freedom, abode of love, New Zealand—Young England !

Faint o’er the seas come the sounds of war,But faint though they be, they rouse our iad s;

Foemen are pounding at Freedom’s door.New Zealand, New Zealand, New Zealand.

From hill and valley they hurried in,From office and factory they rushed to bring

Their lives for the chance of glory to w in ;To do those things of which bards would sing.

Boom ! Boom ! Boom ! The guns' deep boom !The boys are fighting—ah, so well.

And New Zealand hearts, though touched with gloom. Beat proudly for those who have faced such hell.

Far are the fields from the island home,Where rest so many—their troubles done;

But they live, they live, for ’neath Heaven’s dome No man has ever such glory won.

W ar-scarred, wearied, yet undismayed,The boys are returning—a famous band ;

They long for the land for which they have prayed.New Zealand! New Zealand! New Zealand..

“ DEE BOYS.”Now if you’ll only listen, I ’ll not detain you long,’Tis of “ D ” Company N .C .O .’s I ’ll sing you in my song.I ’ll s ta rt with our bold sergeants, Rowan and Melville,Not forgetting Jim my Price, who’s a tiger a t his drill. Buchanan wades through history sheets and reckons up our pay, While Every ’tends to ship’s affairs, assisted by Finlay.

Now Colyer is our C.S.M., at semaphore he’s new,But when i t comes to auction bridge he lands us in the stew.Bill Taylor toils amongst the grub and reckons with the men, While Wally-Wells would like to stay in bed till half-past ten.

Then corporals come upon the scene, headed by A. Kerr,Who, when he lands with Jack O’Neill, is sure to make a stir. Len Dickson and the veteran Mac are never in despair;Dan Brown has had an accident, and sadly needs repair.Stan Campbell hails from Timaru, and has a loving way,Around the decks with Newberry he may be seen each day.Now P iner is our Jackeroo, he’ll chop up meat and bake,In fact there’s nothing on the boat he will not undertake.Theni Pea.rce he is our artist, he’s great at m ixing paint,And all the boys rush off to Brake w ith any foot com plaint; Tommy Booker came through Trentham , he is an old class m ate, And though his chances have been crabbed, he’ll win in spite '

of fate.For these are the boys, the boys to make things go;You should hear the beggars roaring when the Bugle gives a

blow;But like pals they work together, without a thought of fame, And when they get to sunny France, J. smess they’ll plav the

game.

THE GREY FUNNEL. 23

WHAT THE RANKER WANTS TO KNOW.

1. W hether the bite from the bug or the “ Inspection Horde ” is the worst?

While the rounds of the former are nocturnal, resulting in lumps on the arms, etc., those of the latter are eternal, the lump usually being in the throat forced up by the invective of indigna­tion, but checked by discretion.

2. W hether the potatoes are hoiled, spoiled, steamed, dreamed, forgotten, or rotten?

I t is, however, definitely known that they have the skin of a potato, although the contents resemble a mixture of starch, water, cascara, and a vegetable m atter which is being submitted to the next Government Analyst.

3. Whether the responsible Head? would support a cricket team ?

They appear to be conversant with “ Out of bounds,” and are always on a good “ wicket.” Their “ scouting” and “ fielding ” of a “ ca tch ” always results in “ stum ping” the unfortunate.

4. W hether the confiscation of foodstuffs is an indication of the prolongation of the “ Scrap ” ?

5. W hether sleeping on decks was intended as a privilege or not ?

The “ R ankers” are to be congratulated on obtaining the con­cession oblivious of the fact th a t the hose is controlled by those never instructed in “ Eyes F ront.” From this ventilated dormi­tory the bugle sounding Reveille can be distinctly heard.

6. Why does the O.C. 32nd A.S.C. so persistently obstruct the Mess Orderlies when inquiring of the men’s wants ?

7. Who was it that stuck up the printed order “ Troops are xiot allowed to loiter at this corner ” on the starboard side between decks, and then surrounded i t with notices re fire signals, spies, smoking, etc., etc. ?

8. Why the twenty minutes the clock goes forward daily is docked off our rest in bed?

9. How the little steward will reach up to his boat, or the fat cook squeeze into his corner in the event of our boat drill being required?

10. If the bell which rings at 7.30 a.m., in the officers’ quar­ters, is the Reveille for our leaders?

11. W hy were the first married men to mobilise nicknamed “ The First of the Barons ” ?

12. Is it best, when the thermometer reads 4.4 below zero, to have two blankets on top and none beneath, or one on top and one beneath?

WANTED.W ANTED.—'Someone to draw tooth that is causing the dentist

some pain. No one who has received dental treatm ent on board need apply.

W ANTED.—A set of teeth like tombstones to eat ship’s bis­cuits with.

W ANTED KNOW N.—That fresh-water baths are procurable in Blighty. The Huns have not blockaded the rain.

WANTED KNOWN.—The Censors will conduct lessons i,n handwriting for six hours daily, starting from the 20th inst.

WANTED KNOW N.—T hat the Head Chef has a vacancy for the first man returning with wooden legs—to mash potatoes.

A C A R D .Lt. Sal. J-y-e desires the public to know th a t he is prepared

to give lessons in French, Spanish, Chinese, and particularly in the languages spoken in the States. He himself has acquired the correct Noo Yark accent by long sojourning in the land of the Stars and Stripes.

Moderate fee. Always payable in advance.

9.30 P.M.—10 P.M.All was still.The last note of “ Lights O u t” had just died away in echoes

down the corridors, when suddenly from somewhere arose the plaintive h'owl of a canine in distress, to he answered iby the

mew-mew ” of a feline iperched far uip in the top row of bunks. A smothered <chuckle came' from under a blanket.

“ Cut that out! ” roars am N.C.O. That was all that was needed to set the ball lolling and release a true menagerie. Under cover of the darkness the wags let themselves go, and sc,on the deck resounded with the reverberating cries of oats, dogs, horses, and sheep. Now tlhe clear clarion of the chanti cleer rent the a ir, to be answered by a fainter call, as though from a distance. Now the mournful bleat of a desolate lamb goes forth, to be recognised immediately by the anxious mother, or ithe “ quack, quack” of excited ducks announces the feed­ing-time. In fact, the call of every animal th at goes to con­stitute a typical New Zealand homestead was represented there.

Traniip ! Tramp ! Tramp ! The measured tread heralds the

arrival of the picquet officer, who, astounded at the melee, stands aghast. But the crowing of roosters and the pleading calls of lambs prove too much for the ex-cockatoo, and, finally deciding on the roar of a ferocious shorthorn bull as a suit­able battle-cry, .he whole-heartedly enters the fray, and soon the good ship is resounding from bow to stern wiith every known cry of the category animalia.

The sleepy ones, fair hopes of slumber now abandoned, begin to ©nter protestations, punctuated with language not included in the m ilitary vocabulary as given in the various training manuals. Some endeavour to dissuade, while others blaspheme in no uncertain tongue, these midnight marauders, and the ex­cockatoo, realising at last from this latter method th at he is on a respectable troopship, and not on his Taranaki farm, with the assistance of dormitory sergeants, ultimately succeeds in quelling the disturbance.

Again, peace reigns supreme, and the still hours of the night are broken only by the beat, beat of the captain’s feet on the bridge and the* heavy snores of the night picquet.

A F E W S U G G E S T IO N S F O R T H E “ M A G .’’Note.—The Editor is prepared to receive at all times sugges­

tions and insults from correspondents. Readers are specially requested not to throw flowers or vegetables at members of the Editorial staff, as waste helps the enemy.

24 THE GREY FUNNEL.

MAORI COLUMN.Te H o ko w h ita a Tu.

HOEA RA TE WAKA NEI.C O M E W H E R E D U T Y C A L L S .

MAORI.1.

Haeremai e bine ma,Me nga taonga o te wa, He reo karanga i katoa, Haeremai ki au.

Chorus.Hoea ra te waka nei. Hoea, loca ki te pai.Ma te poi e karawhiu,

E rahni i te pai.

2 .Me pehea x’a e taea ai,Te aroha e pehi kino nei, Mo te tau i pamamao,

Haeremai k :. an.Chorus.

Koia ra e hine ma, Koha lcore noa te pai, Haere me te atawhai, Ka rahui i te pai.

Chorus.

Na te ngakau tangi ra, Ko te tiwaiwaka nei,Te poi ka hoea atu nei, He tohu no te pai.

Chorus.

Come ye maidens, come to me, W ith your gifts of melody, Crying near and far to all,“ Come where duty calls.”

Chorus.Then together we will draw This canoe until the end.To the goal the world desires, Peace and joy for all.

2 .Would you still the longing

heart,Ease the pain that gnasvs

within,For the dear ones far away, Gone where duty calls ?

Chorus.3.

Cleansed bv war of, all its dross, Love is gleaming strong and

bright.In our hearts we vow to serve, Where our duty calls.

Chorus.4.

Small may be this our canoe, Floating in a sea of tears, Tribute to the brave who fell Where their duty called.

Chorus.

THE KAISERS DESPAIR.

7. To the Devonport (Kapai te Kai-sir) .Museum I leave my famous moustaches, souvenir of the greatest of this or any other age.

8. To the 24th Maori Rfts. I give Von Hindenburg and der Clown Printz, as they are short of two lance-corporals.

9. To Mrs. Pankhurst and her wild women I leave my mailed fist. They will find it useful, no doubt, when they resume their m ilitant tactics.

10. To Sir Ernest Shackleton I leave the pole. I ’ve been up it so long now th at I regard it as my own propertv.

(Signed) H.I.M . W il h e l m ,Lord of the Land, Sea and Air, not forgetting the

Sausages and Lager Beer.Signed by the above-named Wilhelm as .his last will, in the

presence of us, his Ministers and keepers, present a t the same time, who in his presence and in the presence of each other, have hereunto subscribed our names as witnesses.

B a ro n V on S a u r k r a u t .Gr a f . Y on M t jn ic h l a g e r b e e r .

An unofficial wireless mes.uige received by troopship 95 states th a t the Kaiser, having heard of the approach of the 31st and 32nd Reinforcements, became suddenly ill, and was confined to his bed. Dr. Blitzen Von Peaze was hastily summoned, and, after careful examination, found th at his Royal Lowness was suffering from a severe aiervous breakdown. Realising th a t his number was up, he accordingly made his will, revoking all wills made heretofore.

The will is said to read as follows :—This is the last will and testament of me, Wilhelm the Super-

Swanker and Ruler of Sausage Eaters, recognising th a t I am fairly up against it, and expecting to meet with a violent death at the hands of the brave 23rd Maori Rfts., hereby make my last will and testament.

I appoint the O.C. A. Co., 32nd Reinforcements, to be my sole executor (by kind permission of B. Company Q.M.S.).

1. I give and bequeath to France the territories of Alsace and Lorraine. (As this is only a case of returning stolen property, I don’t deserve any credit for it, a.nd am not likely to get any either.)

2. To Serbia I give Austria, including all her live and dead stock.

3. To New Zealand Mounted Rifles I give Turkey for their Christmas dinner.-

4. To Belgium- I should like to .give all the thick ears, black eyes, and broken noses she presented me with when I politely trespassed on her territory.

5. To New Zealand I give all- my Dreadnoughts, torpedo- boat destroyers, arid fleet of f linkers generally

6. To the first Maori Contingent I give w hat’s left of my

- W "T he Maoris’ boss artist is Gray,He keeps things moving all day;

But in concerts at night He affords us delight,

His face does much humour display.

TH E GREY FUNNEL. 25

KINGDOM OF NOTHING TO-DOThis life is a picture, i t ’s worthy of praise,And dates back to earliest lloman days;The sun is so liot; sea and sky are so blue In this glorious Kingdom of Nothing-to-do.I scarce realise, yet rejoice in my luckTo be with the boys o'f most marvellous pluck.They are the Maoris from, Narrow Neck camp.Where soldiers are made of reliable s tam p;When first from New Zealand, the land of the free,Not one of them faced his dinner or tea.Now sea-sickness over .and everything bright,They are eating all day and far into night.In the evenings, when everything’s done for the day,They laugh till i t ’s dark at th a t character Gray.The"banjo comes out, they pretend they are coons;From bushman’s piano come horrible tunes.Then on Sundays,, or afte r parades th at they, do,They cheer up the Pakehas with a haka or 'two.Nine o’clock comes, and to bed they must go,And so ends the day of larking and show;H alf sleeping, they think of. their Narrow Neck girls, Who’ll be placed high above the Parisienne pearls.Why should they scorn their Maori girls dear l ii times such as these of peril and fear ?Tlhe troopship goes on to her journey’s end.Not a word of our doings are we able to send :The padre o’er letters holds strict censorship;N ot one of our friends must know of our trip.“ Beware of S p ie s” is the warning bold That meets the eye in the for’ard hold.When in England we have landed at last,W e’ll take the place of the boys who have passed;We shall do our best to keep up the name Of those who have earned both honour and fame.Though the shovels be heavy and the picks be all blunt,We shall cut W illiam short in this ghastly stunt.The Maoris are ready to fight to the last,By the W aitangi Treaty we still shall stand fast.Our thoughts are not all of enjoyment and fun.While we bask on the decks in a glorious sun,But of duty before us, the battle and din ;W e’ll face it all bravely, and Britain shall win.When the war is all over and Belgium is free,Our hearts will be turned to the homes o’er the sea;And when John. Bull thinks fit to dispense with the Maoris We’ll come back and rejoice in the land of the Kauris.We shall sing the praise of the girls who kept- true Again in the Kingdom of Nothing-to-do.

LOST AND FOUND.LOST.—Seven days’ services of Second Lieutenant Hinton dur­

ing the first week out. .LOST.—Three sets of false teeth, sizes 8, 9, and 10. If finder

returns to dentist, on the quiet, they are worth a quid.LOST.—Much good sleep through worry over articles.” Apply

the Editors.LOST.—Top note of “ Off to Philadelphia.” Last heard a t

concert in the For’d Mess. Finder please enclose in an envelope and return to Ship’s Orderly Room.

LOST.—A screw, by Captain Edw in; boat on half-speed till returned.

LOST.—On December 18, one case of measles. Finder please return to isolation hospital.

FOUND.—Much good ta len t aboard. See the Editors.FOUND.—Light felt hat. Lady who lost same can have same

by applying to Second Lieutenant Cahill.FOUND.—A sweet job. Apply Sergeant Finlay.FOUND.—Last thing in Orchestras (at least we hope so). Apply

Corporal Wellby.FOUND.—On December 16, at 10.15 p.m..,.-a scantily clad party

on after poop deck. For full particulars apply E. Coy.’s Orderly Room.

H O S P IT A L S C E N E S :

COMPETITIONS.1. Most Suitable Name for Journal. Shoals of suggestions

came in. but the committee unanimously selected “ The Grey Funnel,” submitted by 2nd Lieut. Melrose and L /C . Sini- nronds, of E. Co., the latter being awarded the prize. Among those outliving the first ballot were “ The Southern Cross,” “ The Callan-der, 1917-1918,” “ The Sea-Log,” and “ Sea Spray,” but, as mentioned above, the whole committee approved of “ The Grey Funnel.”

2. Best Contribution in Verse. This competition was won by Dvr. A. Stephens, A.S.C. W e venture to suggest that his contribution, “ Reverie,” would receive commendation from much abler critics than we profess to be.

3. Design for Cover. Only small number of entries, winning design being submitted by Sergt. Johns.

4. Cartoons and Sketches. The only work of any merit was th a t submitted by Pte. T. Reeves, of D Co., whose efforts in this direction are deserving of special praise.

26 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR.

Sir,—Having been detailed to No. 6 raft. No. 5 hatch, we, the undersigned, lost no time in inspecting the same.

There she was on. the slipway—I mean hatchway—ready for launching. But was she ready? Well, we should say not. Not the slightest accommodation for sleeping, not a couch, not even a deck chair. Now, how the crew and passengers, let alone ourselves, are expected to stand a journey of, perhaps, six or eight months we cannot comprehend.

We examined the larder, and found only one small crust therein. J t had evidently been left by the last shipwrecked crew, a.nd then only on account of its great age. The tru th , sir, is that there were only a few articles, in our opinion, which showed any forethought, and they were a box of dice, some ■' salts, and a dilapidated copy of “ Robinson Crusoe,” kindly put aboard by the P itcairn Islanders.

The size of the vessel will allow of no place for parades, not even a pay parade. The sails were all torn to shreds, the mast cut down, to deck quoit size, and the planks pitted as though for oribbage use.

Though we are loth to do so, we feel that it is our duty-, through the medium of the “ Grey Funnel,” to appeal to the Patrio tic Society on board or the Canteen Committee for water-. * proof sheets, towels, razors, saltwater soap, deck chairs, a machine gun (two if possible), a toothpick, a leadpencil, and a caraway seed.—We are, etc.,

L. C o h e n , O .C . , C h a p ia in a n d Plumber.L. A. G. J. B u t l e r , 1st Mate, Chief W alnut

Cracker and Pantrym an.R. H e n r y , Chief Engineer and Assistant Cabin

Room Orderly.G. G r ie v e , Chief Gunner, Wireless Operator, and

Second Gramophone Player.J . Clif?, Chief Chef. Port Hole Closer, and O.C.

Clink.

“ DUTIES OF GUARDS.’Guards will parade with rifles, telescopes, and novels, and

will be inspected by the chief cook.Dress optional, but palliasses must not (be carried.The beat shall he the lengtih of the ship, and sentries are

warned not to exceed this. They shall pay all compliments. {Coupons must not be used for this purpose.) They .shall p re ­vent any unauthorised persons removing eggs from the crow’s- nest, or from entering or leaving the ship. (Father Neptune or the mermaids excepted.) 'Call out the guard in case of fire or any unusual occurrence, sudh as “ A ” Company falling in promptly or the approach of submarines. On the approach of a torpedo sentries are requested to warn the ship as soon as possible after they have secui’ed their seats in lifeboats. W inners of boxing events are exempt from guard duties, and rre entitled to the “ Present ” from sentries. Sentries are re ­minded th at ship’s officers w ith three stripes on (their arms are not necessarily sergeants. A fter using ball ammunition, sen­tries are requested not to use the ship’s funnel for pouring hot water through their rifles. In taking six o’clock aim, tlhe necessary allowance should be made for the alteration of time.

By order, O.C. Ship.Note.—These rules are subject to revision a t any time by

Rafferty.

F IR E S IG N A L S .

One blast. Stand to your boats.Two blasts. Swing out boats.Three blasts—Swing in boatsFour blasts. Silence. Everyone to remain still. [Cease fire,

p resumahly. —E n . 1

REVERIE.

If this be W ar—this many-lieaded monster,This dragon dealing out w ith poisoned breath a million deaths, This murder-monger, marching th ro ’ -a flood of m artyr 'blood, This breaker of m en’s bodies, women’s hearts,This power th at partsThe (twain whom God had joined for ever one, m other from son, And father from hi® lisping in fan t boy,Slayer of joy—-

If th is be war—this -trafficker in horror,This factory of countless, needless pains, and galling chains. This torture-cham ber, where .brain, nerve, and heart are

wrenched apart.Where life is changed from, joyousness to agony.This master of earth’s wealth in blood and tears and precious

years—If this be war. I 'l l shout no more its glory,But weeping, wailing, pleading, pray for peace,Till wars shall cease.

I f this be peace—th is grasping out for riches,This selfish strife for wealth, and for its sake dear, hearts to

break.P ursuit of power—class overbearing mass, mass crushing class. This pirate vessel gliding o’er the way,This market-place, where honour may be sold, truth, slain for

gold— . . .I f this (be all the peace the world can give, then while I live I ’ll seek the only peace th at can uplift—God’s perfect g ift,'['lie world can neither give nor take away,His peace to-day.

If this be peace—this cowardly consentingTo evil, weakly hoping good may rise in glad surprise,This standing by while tyrants spoil the land, not raising hand, N ot lifting voice the oppressor to reprove.Not to removeFrom out our book iof fellowship the name Of evil fame—

0 , gracious Prince of Peace, great God of battles.Be thou toy inward rest, my outward strength.Till the full length of strife be run to its appointed end :May I defend as far as in me lies the tru th and right U ntil the end, when peace through Thine appearing dawns at

lastAnd wars are past.

O V E R H E A R D O N T H E U P P E R D E C K

Platoon Commander (instructing his men in French) : “ iSow, Na-piri Rapiri, what is French for beer? ”

Pte. N apiri Rapiri : “ Kaipai, s ir.”Platoon Commander: “ W hat do you think. Jones?Pte. Jo n es: “ Bonzaire (Bonser), sir.”

At the conclusion of coal shifting the following cases wereheard before R.Q.M .S. F ------d and W. Mawh y :

■Sweeper J. Lowry—-Setting fire to a broom by working too hard. , , „

Roper J . R. Clarke—'Being too severe on the bull rope, thereby blistering his hands. _

Shoveller D. McLean—Making himself obnoxious by sticking his shovel into Joppy’s leg.

Tipper Findlay—Taking coal into the men s bunks instead ot t;> the hunkers.

THE GREY FUNNEL. 27

TO OUR CONTRIBUTORS. THE CENSORS AT WORK.

Nelson.—“ We’re on a good ship called ‘ WiMoohra,’ . And no .sort of oceans will stop her.” The remaining 98 lines have been committed to the deep without lament, though such action may possibly shock yer.

53312 “ E ” Co., 31st.—Not without promise, but beneath our standard. Re-addressed to the Triad.

Corpl. S! “ Specs.”-—Thanks, the Grey Funnel has.used it, but in smoke via. the furnace.

Y.B. - A ” Co., 32nd.—You w rite: “ I picture her face.at a thousand mile.” Why not have added : ‘‘And mine lights up with a million smile ” ?

Hori Kerero.—Yours re water police should never have been allowed out unhandcuffed.

Rifle.—If ever an idea should chance your way, reach out after it, dress it up, and try again.

Orderly.—We quote : “ And as the maid fell flat upon her side, his eyes he closed—they had been open wide.” .Silly ass. The dear thing didn’t land on her head, did she?

K. N.—That joke’s whiskers turned white at the time of the Flood.

B.—To the w.p.b. per shortest route, and we offer no apology.D. H. G., N.Z.M.C.—Three ideas of yours may be found re­

dished elsewhere. Try to winnow the husks from your corn.R. B. McC.—“ A seething Charybdis of foam ” and “ globi-

gerina ooze.” Well, no wonder, as you go on to relate : “ Full fathoms five No. 95 lies, we never again will view her.” Under t}ie Scyl'la circumstances we should scarcely expect to.

Ken.—Bah !Carry On.—II. Co. not even carried over. Out.R. J . W. “ Specs.” —We received your message and regret it

was a case of the opposite to the letter L.Canteen.—One swift stroke of the blue pencil was *all that was

required.Styles “ 31st Specs.”—“ Pure issidence of a typical Scotch­

m an.” Also, we suggest, of Volapuk.Corpl. W. N. H., N.Z.M.C.—Seas that remind you of “ fields

of brown grass.” We understand—just as the sands of Egypt re­minded us of dew on N.Z. pastures on a bright spring morn.

Carrot.—We once heard of a bird who swore that if he’d only another feather to fly. In a literary sense, you will need to grow a lot ere able to leave your nest.

E. T. H .—Too much ado about nothing.Member of “ B ” 32nd’.—“ I t was the troopship W illochra.”

Your last words are “ wash-out.” We heartily concur.H. C., “ E ” Co., and J . C., “ D ” Co.—Do you both read the

same paper? We saw i t in the “ Dunedin Star ” long ago.Pte. J . C., “ B ” Co.—“ Battel call.” Need we say more?Pte. E. S., “ A ” -Co.—Your handwriting is quite n eat; but,

oh, d e a r!“ B ” Co.—“ The boys a t once stood on their dig.” We

promptly determined to do likewise.Pte. J. V ., “ A ” Co.— “ A nnihilation.” Quite so.Dvr. W-lk-r, A.S.C.—After our recovery we requisitioned

■“ G. S.” to take it to the incinerator.Horace, “ A ” Co.—“ He thinks of his mother and big pints of

heer, and the girls who gave him black eyes.” How charmed liis mother .will be to find herself in such company!

L. C., “ B ” Co.—“ Beside his bed he has a horn (you should hear its pleasant hoot).” ’ Archibald, certainly not.

Admirer.—Bad taste. Try the Maoriland Worker.

? p.m., night alarm having sounded. Lt. M----- rose, dressedin pyjamas, slouch hat, and worried look, hesitates as heavy spray meets him. Pte. (rushing to his boat station): “ Get out of the way, you -------- , I haven’t got no ------ oilskin e ither.”

Letters had been rolling in, not merely in ©cores, but in their hundreds. We were nearing our first port of call, and the Censors were surrounded by a mass of correspondence, con­tained, as ordered, in unsealed envelopes.

They had been at work, for a full hour, and it was time to hand over to the postal authorities the first results of theirevening’s labour. Then it was- that-L ieu tenan t -------- beganto move uneasily in his chair. A look of alarm o’erspread hits face, and ihe broke out in a cold perspiration. 111? Oh no. I t was merely th at the thought had just struck him he had in­advertently replaced each of two letters in the wrong envelope.

“ Unfortunate, my dear .chap, certainly,” said one of his fellow workers, “ but if each was as innocuous as most th at have passed through my hands there will be little harm done.”“ Exactly,” ' replied' Lieutenant —------, “ hut therein lies thesource of my anxiety. The contents of the majority of letters I have opened have quite failed to impress themselves upon my memory. Strangely, enough, however, perhaps because each was signed ‘ George,’’ arid in similar handwriting, I remember them only too well, and if, as I fear, I have made a mistake, there may be the very dickens to pay.” ‘r Egad,” exclaimed Censor No. 2, “ I scent most ’.engaging ’ possibilities. Now, out with it and tell us all about i t.”" Well, as far as I could deter­mine,” said Lieutenant — -, “ in one case George was the Christian name of the writer who was addressing his ‘wife, or intended such; whilst in .the other George was the surname of someone writing to the propjSetress of a. motor garage. Any­way, if my fears ‘a re ' not unfounded, the good lady who owps the garage will he surprised to receive something like this ” :—

“ Dearest,—As this dhip bore me further apart from you One great thought flooded my mind—would that you only knew! Would that, ere I left, such power of speech had even once' been mine I could have told you of all you are to mei How1- many times I have tried to do this, beloved, only to fail-.. Such; simple words as come tripping to my tongue rang- false in their', inadequacy. And yet, in -happy moments, I try to think that- some action, glance, or gesture may' perhaps, in part at -least, have made you understand.

“ Thoughts of you are with me each long day through, and, when night comes, I lie awake and pray we may not long be parted. A plan, too, I have—a plan of a new home, of broad verandahs, climlbing roses, and clinging wistaria, of red-tiled roofs and quaint bay windows, a tennis-court and flower-beds— the whole near by a rippling stream wherein trout lie ; and at the back, of all a place in which fowls run, a tiny dairy,; shaded by green willows, a well-trimmed hedge, and hay and cornfields. •

“ Tell me, dearest, how to add to this, and if result of my dull wit may be so moulded as to meet your fancy, then shall I know I have not planned in vain. W ith every thought for your happiness and greatest love, yours now and always,

“ George.”Censor No. 2 : “ Ripping! But i t ’s to be hoped she’s an

old maid.” Lieutenant ---------: “ Yes, but what will wdfeythink when this hits her? ” :—

“ Madam.—I t was only when, opening some correspondence, hastily slipped into my pocket prior to embarkation, th at I learnt what sort of a woman you are. If I ’d known last week what I do -now I should have just got hold of Lizzie, cleared out, and that would have been the' last you would have seen of us.

“ How you found out I had anything to do with this par­ticular Liz I don’t know, but, so far as you are concerned, the point is that, whereas I fully intended to fix m atters up, I shall now just let them rip. You can’t get at me—I ’m too far away—so if it pleases you to waste, money, as I hope it may. vou can put every bally solicitor in New Zealand, Tom W ilford included, on my tracks.

“ W hy weren’t you game enough to tell me it was you who bashed in her bonnet and so made her look almost as big a wreck as yourself?

“ \o u rs . fed up.Chorus of Censors : “ Gee Whiz ! ” “ Gkorge.

28 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

SHIP’S ROLL.

D Co., 31st Rfts.

Officer Commanding, Lieut. J . B. Callan.

N o . 13 P la to o n2nd Lieut. W. H. Ready, Corpl. S. Campbell.2nd Lieut. G. Malcolm (a.t- Corpl.' F. Newberry,

tached). L /Corpl. T. J . Collins.Sergt. A. W. Every. L/Corpl. A. Skillen.L /Serg t. G. F. Buchanan L /Corpl. J . R. Tovey.Corpl. H. Brake L /Corpl. E. Orchard.Ptes. A. H. V. Anderson, W. H. Armstrong, II. C. Black,

J . Brown, A. H . Brake, C. E. Burrows, W. II. Cant, C. Camilleri, J. W. Chadwick, T. N. Cmnch, F. Dempsey, T. E. Eggleston, J. K. Eskett, M. Foster, T. Freeman, W. D. Fuller, L. A. Gabbatis, L. C. Glen, J. A. Harrison, H. N. Horswell, A. J . Horniblow, H. G. H unt, W. W. Johnstone, W. F. Keane, R. Kerr, J. A. Lyttle, F. 0 . .McGahan, J . O’Connor, 0. D. Partridge, S. W. Reid, W. C. Richards, H. J . Sextus, J . E. Smith, G. S J . W alker, A. R. Waugh.

N o . 1 4 P la to o n .2nd Lieut. J. W. Hinton. Corpl. B. F. Pearce.Q.M.S. W. Taylor. Corpl. R. Piner.Sergt. R. N. Finlay. L /Corpl. W. Inne.3.Sergt. W. Rowan. L /Corpl. F. J . Sepie.Corpl. T. R. Booker. L/Corpl. T. H. Sw:aby.Ptes. W. F. A rthur, B. L. Clarke, E. A. Cox, P. E. Dillon,

J . D. Gibson, W. V. Gorman, J. Gray, E. H. Greenhow, R. Hellyer, J . Hen&haw, R. Hindle, J. Hodges, E. A. Hook, C. E. Hudson, S. Jackson, R. E. Keen, G. L. M artin, J. Y. Midgley, It Miller, WT. A. Mitcham, L. M’ooney, E. Morlev, J . C. Musgrave, F. McCarthy, A. W. McVey, A. J. OrSullivan, X. H. Packham, J . T. Redmond, J. H. Reeves, A. T. Rollin- son, H. E. Sarchett, A. F: Sheard, F. II. Smith, J . S. H. Smith. W. Swann, J . T. Thorne, J. J. Tud'hope, E. A. W atts, R. J. Williamson, J . A. Young.

N o . 15 P la to o n .C.S.M. J. C. H. Colyer. Corpl. C. H. J. Wallace-Sergt. K. McK. Melville, Pla- Welle,

toon Commander. Corpl. Magee.Corpl. D. Brown, L /Corpl. C GotliardCorpl. L. D. N. Dickson.Ptes. T. Barbour, T. J. Brady, P. Buckner, F. Baker, J . R.

Cartwright, R. Cole, A. Clark, W. C. Creba, A. G. Cruick- shanks, J . J. Cunneen, J. Desmond, J . A. Duggan, T. D urrant, Jn. Fitzgerald, T. Greenhow, J. A. Glassey, J. Hamilton, L. D. J. H ill, G. Houston, B. 0 . Hopkins, J. Jennings, G. H. Keen, L., King, L. C. Mehrtens, G. C. Mehrtens, J. T. Moore, W. Morrow, G. McCormack, J. McFarlane, M. O’Dowd, G. Pearce, H. Pearce, R. Pennington, T. Quinn, J . Richardson, W. S.. Sanders, E. Stapleton, J . 0. Smith, W. J. Vincent, F. L. Watson.

N o . 16 P la to o n .2nd Lieut. T. II. Melrose. Corpl. J. J. O’Neill.Sergt. J . Price. L /Corpl. G. F. Alexander.Corpl. A. Kerr. L/Corp-1. S. L. Sloan.Ptes. P. Allan, J . S. Barlow, T. Deane, P. J . Dyke, P. Feelv

T. W. Gallop, W. Gillon, A. Grant, J . Greelish, C. Hall. T.’ Hawkins, D. P. Hasten, W. P. Kellee, J. Kelso, H. A. Kettle, W. Larcombe, J. Lowe, G. A. Mills, R. McKenzie, J . M cMinn’ L J. V. Newmann, L. O’Connor, C. W. O’Shea, J . 0. Parsons'.G. P. Pato-n, J . J. Quinn, T. F. Reeve, J . N. Ritchie, W. H.' Rogers, F. Scmcock, D. Smith, A. E. Speck, M. Su.orue L M W alker. A. S. Weils, A. J. W hyte, H. T. Wills, G. II. Wilson. W. T. Wotten.

E Co., 31st Rfts.Officer Commanding, 2nd Lieut. L. S. Thompson.

N o . 1 7 P la to o n .2nd Lieut. H. E. Le Cren. Corporal W. R, Friend.Sergt. P. Shaw. L ./C orpl. E. H. Duckworth.Corpl. M. Simmouds. L ./C orpl. H. J . Dwyer.-Ptes. F. Archer, A. M. Ball, J . Bell, H. F . Brown, L. N .

Brown, R. N. Clinch, R. C. Cresswell, H. Cropper, J. Cromp­ton, A. J. Dudley, F. A. Eden, H. T. Edmondson, M. J . Faul, A. Ferris, A. R. Gardner, R. T. Green, C. T. Greig, R. W. H . Goddard, A. T. Gulliver, J . R. Haldane, E. W. Harvey, J . R, H artland, H. E. Higgins, J. Hodges, F. E. Johnson, C. Jose, E S. Johnston, J . W. Kerr, H. Knight, E. Lord, C. F. Mansen, N. Mansen, H. Mickell, A. M. B. McKenzie, E. P ort, C. F. Price, H. G. P'hyn, W. Quinn, J. B. Renaud, C. H. Schmith, D . Sullivan, J . D. Williams.

N o . 18 P la to o n .2nd Lieut. A. Hart. Corpl. E. J . Hunter.C.S.M. W. Davie, Corpl. R, D. McCully.Sergt. E. M. Theomin. Corpl. S. R. Burns.L ./S erg t. F. C. Andrew. L ./C orpl. P. F. Simmons.Ptes. G. Air, A. Blackwell, E. J. Chiles, V. B. Collins, D. M.

Colton, H. B. Cormack, P. J . Fee, W. E. F itzpatrick, W. W. Frost, W. C. Gibbs, D. J . Gilchrist, A. Golding, J . Griffin,G. L. Harvey, F. A. Hawthorn, H . Hedges, A. R. KeenanrC. J. Honore, J. Johnstone, D. C. Mann, W. J. Maulseed. R. Morell, L. J . Morrison, S. J . McAllen, D. J. McGuire. C. G. McSeveny, P. H. Paulsen, D. E. W. Price, 0. Retter. K. G- Richdale, H. J. Smith, J. J . Smith, J . Spence, W. L. Steven- eon, L. E. Tapp, F. G. Vercoe, G. W. Vercoe, K. G. W illiamson, P. J. Wormald, P. R. W ratten.

N o . 19 P la to o n .Q.M.S. D. L. Gold water. Corpl. W. J . McFarlane.Sergt. A. B. Joplin. L ./C orpl. J . W. Hulston.Sergt. A. Beasley. L ./C orpl. R. McMullen.Corpl. A. M. Thomson.Ptes. W. A. Barnes. J . L. Braidwood, A. J . Briggs, T. Brins-

don, C. J. Brown. H. R, Corne, J. R. Clark, A. Cochrane, R. P . Condon, N. S. Cramond, G. Crews, H. Diok, J . Donohue, G. Findlay, B. H. Goudie, G. H. Guy, A. C. Hannon, J . H artstonge, F D. Henderson, R. Henderson, C. W. K. Hicks, J. H ill, T. A. Hughes, C. H. Kennelly, J. Lowe, J. J. Lowery, A. Marston, W. Mawhinney, J. Mullan, D. McLean, R. McLevie, H. "1. McMaster, W. S. McMillan, E. W. D. M cNulty, S. J. Ram say,H. F. Saville, W. Senior. J. Sinclair, D. V. Scotton.

N o . 2 0 P la to o n .2nd Lieut. B. P. Cahill. Corpl. J. Passmore.Sergt. A. E. H. Parkinson. Cor,pi. L. A. Stedman.Corpl. A. G. Blakey. L ./C orpl. J . Geddes.Corpl. J. A. Jones.Ptes. F. S. Andrade, G. Argo, R. Ballach, J . Boyd, J .

Cameron, C. Crisp, R. J . Ferguson. C. E. Flay, C. R. Frankish,. .T. H. Gardner, J. Gemmell, E. B. Gold. P . J. Grev, A. S. Gutsell, J . W. Hamilton, W. Horsburgh, K. F. Klenner, W. L., Matheson, R. H. M urphy, J . M urray, G. E. Offen, J. E. Penna- cot-t, K. J. Perkins, F . Peterson. T. Quinlivon. B. A R-ack- iham, L. Ritchie. J. Robertson. W. Scott, L. E. Shepherd. T. T. Sim,oson. F. W. Smith. G. T. Stewart. R-. Thomson. R. F_ Turner. -T. S. W atson. J. V. W hite, E. S. W hittv. W. W hyte /S. B. Wood, J. W right, A. Young, G. W. Young.

“ A ” Company 32nds.Officer Commanding, Lieut. W. Moore.

N o . 1 P la to o n .2nd L t F. B. Adams. L ./C orel. W. Norman.R.S.M. A. Barnsley. Corpl. G. B. Smith.Sergt. W. D. Maxwell.Ptes J . Anderson, G. E. Anngow, A. Beattie, A. C. Blakie^

TH E GREY FUNNEL. 29

F. A. Browne, S. G. Buick, J. Chamberlain, H. L. Cooper, W. Couehman, A. J. Crooks, G. H. Davidson, R. G. Dawson, C. Deives, A. H. Gain, J . J. Hanley, H. S. Henderson, J . H. Higgison, A. E. Hoare, M. Keane, W. E. Keeble, C. Knight, P. Last, J. E. Leen, G. Lindsay, J . O'. Linton, A. V. Mathieson, W. A . Mathieson; D. M. Matthews, T. McAnelly, W. McCallum, J . McEwan, R. C. McLennan, R. J. A. M. Ogren, H. Pope, E. P res­ton, A. F. Savage, D. Sellars, L. T . Stewart, W .J. Swap, R. A. Turner, R. M. Wakefield.

N o . 2 P la to o n .2nd Lt. R. B. L. Somers, Coicl. L. C. Findlay.

(Platoon Commander), Corpl. J . F. Dyer.C.S.M. E. A. Neilsen. Corpl. H. P . G. Randell.Sergt,. T. R. Finlay. Corpl, E. E. TJpton.

(Platoon Sergeant). Corpl. J . 0 . Wilson.Corpl. C. A. Halpin. L./Corpl. J . H. Turner.Ptes. E. J . V. Billington, S. E. Chester, J . Crossland, H. A.

Donghi, A. G. Dew, A. M. Earp, P. H. Feierabend, H. J. Hall, J . Harper, H. Henderson, B. Iorns, C. H. Lawson, H. T. Lomath, G. Lowden, A. Morris, J . Muir, P. Murray, A. W. Murrell, J . H. Pearson, J . Phillips, S. C. W. Rogers, E. Roun- thwaite, J. W. Scatchard, R. Shephard, S. Shutter, T. Simpson,G. J . Treder, J. Valentine, H. L. Walters, A. R. Watson, A. Whitaker, R. R. White, C. E. Wilmshurst, J. A. Wilson, A. V. York. j

N o . 3 P la to o n .Q.M.S. D. H. Edwards. Corpl. J. Wellby.Sergt. A. B. Cox. L./Coi'pl. E. Saunders.Sergt. M. H. Stichbury. L ./Corpl. R. C. Wilson.Corpl. P. Grace.Ptes. G. H. Annetts, L. J. Aplin, L. M. Bevan,

P. G. Bevan, A. . Christensen, A. E. Conway, G. H. Coombe, G. R. P. Cooper, W. R. Daysh, H. B. Dickens, H. Edwards, A. J . Finnerty, A. Fraser, E W. Garmonsway, G. E. Green, H. Gundeson, W. Halliday,H. F. Hansen, E. C. Hart, Iv. R. Hislop, W. Hodges, F. Hooper,D. Johnstone, G. D. Johnston, J . V. Malins, F. A. Milner, J . Mountfort, J. E. Mnrphy, R. F. W. Parker, T. G. Perry, A. P. D. Reed, A. C. Richardson, L. Rossiter, E. A. Simpson, T. D. Stokes, F. R. Walker.

N o . 4 P la toon .2nd Lt. J . H. Mander. Corpl. R. H. Wilton.Sergt. H. McCowan.Ptes. J . Anderson, C. Anderson, C. Andrickseii, F. E. Baker,

W. A. Balsom, P. W. Barribaill, J . E. Bathurst, 'H. Beare, J. Bootten, A. Campbell, R. A. Camwell, D. A. Carmichael, A. P. Dickson, S. Edgecombe, T. Edmonds, H. E. Ehrhorn, W. Elliott, M. P. Ford, E. T. Frank, J . Fearon, C. A. Gleeson, R . H. Gordge, J . H. Gwynne, M. Hennessy, J . C. Hogan, H. A. Jacobsen, J . Jackson, C. Kendall, W. H. Looney, H. Looney, P . C. McBarron, T. B. Morris, E. R. Morris, J. J . Morris, R. P. B. Machray, R. Milton, E. G. Morgans, J . J . O’Connell, G. H. J. Petty , E. W. Reeve, C. Russell, T. Shanahan, E. Sheed, A. V. Simmons, S. E. T u tt, W. Watson.

“ B ” Company, 32nd Rfts.N o . 5 P la to o n .

Lieut. P. S. K. Mason, O.C. of Company.2nd Lieut. D. H. Mitchell. Corpl. J . Cliff.Sergt. P. J. Ryan. Corpl. W. J . Davis.Corpl. G. Grieve. Corpl. E. H. Hine.Ptes. R. J. Amburv, R. S. Askew, W. E. Bennett, S. X.

Bridger, W. Brown, W. H. Burgess, W. Burke, E. W. H. Child, J . C. Christian, T. H. Cogvin, W. C. Coleman, J . W. Cowan, B. R. Douglas, G. Forster, H. Hagan, J . Harmell, R. A. H. Herbertson, J . Hurley, J . Lyons, J . B. Mabin,F. W. Mace, T. Mackie, J. MacKinnon, J . Morris, N. J. Xielson, A. J . Osborne, C. H. Peacock, J. Reid, II. Renaud, A. H. Richards, E. C. Rogers, D. Rowe, J . F. Ryan, F. Saville, R. C. E. Shuttleworth, J. Simpson, W. B. Sprackett, 1L Stair- miand, A. Stewart, T. N. Terrill, J . P. Thomas, S. Vincent, H. Walke, H. H. W alker, A.- E. W hite, H. S. Wilson, W. Wilson.

N o . 6 P la toon .Lieut. N. M. Paulsen. Corpl. H. A. Searle.C.S.M. L. H. Little. L/Corpl. F. C. Day.Sergt. G. F. S. Johns. L/Corpl. J . D. Scott.Corpl. K. G. Grooby. L / Corpl. J . R, Weir.Ptes. W. E. Buchanan, R. L. Bugg, H. J . Chapman, E. G.

Chandler, L. J . Cole, F. H. Collins, A. G. Dalzell, W. F. Dudson, S. W. Dudson, L. Gv Duker, J . Ellison, H. J . X. Fletcher, J. B. Fitzpatrick, J. Griffin, H: H ardy, P. M. Havill, R. C. H ill, C. N. Hunt, W. H. Jones, A. Kelsall, E. A. Lanny, J . E. Lucas, E. R. Morris, G. Maugham, H. S. Meyers,D. H. McDonald, H. W. McIntosh, J. J . McCarthy, C. W. T. McKinlay, A. McLachlan, D. McMurray, J . J. Neilan, F. J . Xicholls,'C.- M. Richardson, P . A. Stubbington, D. V. Stewart, A. E. Vaughan, F. A. Voss,- W. E. W alton, G. D. Wemyss.

N o . 7 P la toon .R.Q.M.S. F. F. Foord. Q.M.S. E. A. Tucker. Sergt. H. H. Thomason. Sergt. L. Cohen.Corpl. M.' B er g in .

Corpl. D. Hood.Corpl. T. F. Ryan. Corpl. A. G. Tufaty.L/Corpl. H. T. Hughes. L/Corpl. W. F. Thomas.

Ptes. E. F. Atkinson, J. Ballantyne, W. Bell, A. Brown, J . Brown; J . Carr, J. P. Carr, P. Chapman, W. C. Charlton, W. J . Crowley, H. Dick, H. A. S. L. Dockery, F. A. Gibson, C. W. T. Heath, R. H. Jack, J. T. Kay, A. L. Lowson, P. J. Maher, J. A. McAlister, W. McAlister, R. W. McMillan, G. Neal, R. Nelson, P. E. Neville, W. J . Pattinson, C. A. Post, L. F. V. Pyke, G. Reading, J . Reid, S. Reid, P. W. Sanders,H. L. Swanson, B. Wadey, N. W. Watson, L. 0 . Whiter A. E. Wili.not, D. Woods.

N o . 8 P la toon .

2nd Lieut. R. H. Wade. Corpl, W. A. Candy.Sergt. L. A. G. J . Butler. L/Corpl. G. Paul.Corpl. R. Henry. L/Corpl. C. A. James.Ptes. G. Bai, F. E. Barry, W. A. Bartlett, C. A. W.

Booker, J. Botten, R. Brown, D. Burrows, P. Cahill, W. J . Cameron, J . Dayidson, G. H. Davis, W. Dow, J. Duncan, E. A. Eastwood, J . W. Elrick, D. J.' Fielding, G. J . Garveri, W. C. Heley, D. J . Hilling, G. H. V. Hosking, C. J . -M. Hubbard, A. Hughes, J. Johnston, A. Kennedy, H. 0 . Lark­ing, G. F. Leith, R. Maitheson, J . J . May, R. McElligott, J. A. Nicol, R. W. E. Nielsen, N. F. Paul, B. E. Pa'wson, B. S. Phillips. W. Price, H. A. Reardon, F. T. T. J. Rees, D. H. Robb, T. Rutter, P J . Semple, A. Smith, F. St rack, J . Walsh.

23rd Maori Reinforcement.N o . 1 P la toon .

2nd Lieut. P. H. Mete Kingi L /Corpl. Iv. Keelan.Sergt. W. Mangakahia. L/Corpl. T. Kereti.Corpl. R j Paovamati. L/Corpl. H. Ratahi.L /Corpl. J. Hakaraia.Ptes. T. Ereatara, J . Graham, T. Gray, H. H aturini, N.

Hetekia, T. Himiona, M. H uta, J . Korariko, T. Moengaroa,- D N irai, W. Paora, P . Raponi, H. Sheigis, T. Smith, H. Taihuka, J. Tairua, P. Tamureti, H. Teaumihi, H. Tewaara, T. Te Whare, K. Te Whetu, T iti, T. Turei, M. Wiremu.

N o . 2 P la to o n .L / Corpl. M. Kingi.L/Corpl. H. Puhirere.

2nd Lieut. R. Angel.C.S.M. A. Mackereth.L/'Corpl. F. P. Wilkie.Ptes. J . Health- K. Hurae, W. Karapaina, T. Keepa, I.

Kemp, J. Kori, H. Manuhuia, H. Mihaka, W. ^likaere, T: j\Iorrison, R. Pakana, M. Paora, H. Riwai, S. Rota, L. Sadlier, J. Silbery, R. Lauri, Te Kairangaitira, A. Te Kahu, P . Te Kalhiu, R. Te Moni, J . Thompson, R. Lutai, R. Wikeepa, G. Wharepapa, G. Whippy.

30 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

31st Specialist’s Company.

S ig n a llin g S ectio n .

• Officer Commanding Company, Lieut. S.' Joyce.’■ 2nd Lieut. W‘. J. Gallen. Corpl. H. W. Stephen son.• Sergt. A. L. Franks.- L./iOonpl. G. F. Roberts.

Corpl: G. E. Downer. L ./C orpl. H. H. Spooner.• Corpl. H. L. Wallace.

Ptes. A. G. Bayliss, J . T. Blackmore, P. T. Berry, A. J . Clanfield, J . H . Edwards, C. F. Higginson, H. H. Jones, H- H- Jefferson, J . W. Maxwell, R. Methven, T. W. McKee, J . S. H. Orr, C. R. Peate, F. F. Reid, F. B. V. Rockland, P. E. Tasker, J . H. Webber, F. J . Williams, F. Wagstaff.

M a c h in e G un S e c t io n .

2nd Lieut. J. J . L. Pearce. Corpl. S. McConnochie. C.S.M. E. J . Smallfield. Corpl. L. R.' Templeton.Q.M.iS. S. J . Kelly. L ./C orpl. D. S. Ferguson.Sergt. H. G. Munro. L ./C orpl. F. A. Fitzwilliam.Corpl. J . H. Cook. L ./C orpl. S. J . S. Palmer..Corpl. F. C. Jones:

• Ptes. J . Aird, H. Y. Blair, D. L. Burt, C. J . V. Collings,H. E. Collings, P. 0 . Cochrane, T. Chatterton, J . V. Eliasson, J . L. Fitzgerald, E. Findlay, G. S. Tlhackett, J . S. H. Henxv, J. H ew itt, J . W. Hoygarth, J . R. Haines, H. Larkins, G. Maddock, W. N. G. March, A. McDonald, J . D. Pai-mi-ner.H. J. Quinn, L. M. Robertson, E. Ryan, A. V. Richards, T. D. Savage, A. G. Seddon, A. C. Smith, A. A. Shorn, F Start,E. A. Thom, S. A. T ippett. V. W aldron, C. W. Wood.

3 1 s t D iv ision a l S ign a llers.

Sergt. 0 . B. McMoon.Spns. A. M. Bellaney, H. W. Cockerill, P. R Kelly, H. E.

King, R. J. Wilson.

3 2 n d D iv is io n a l S ign a llers.

Corpl. G. W. Byres.Sprs. S. S. Aburn, W. H. Evans, J. E. Home, R, T. Kersel,

W. D. Woodroffe.

32nd Army Service Corps.2nd Lieut. W. Trembath, Officer Commanding.

Sergt. R. H. Skipwith. Corpl. G. H. Pointon.Sergt. A. W. Purdy. Corpl. B. P . McCleary.Drvrs. R. K. Anderson, H. C. Barnett, A. Beattie, F. S. J.

Blogg, D. Brabner, G. E, Brown, J. Butchart, H. A. Bonniface, A. S. Clemoy. A. H. Collins, C. A. Cramer, W. Day, W. Dor- word, A. C. R. Davenport, P . Gilmore, Shoe/S. R. M. Gee, Drvrs. R. Histon, R. E. Honey, H. Kravis, L. W. W. Lincoln, R. A. Mercer, J. M arkland, J . Mulhern, J. Mills, D. D. McLeod, M. A. McRae, J . W. MacKay, D. P . Paton, R. C. Reid, J. E. Symon, J. Bonners, J. A. Stephen, G. J . W alker, W hr. N. C. W instanley. Drvrs. L. Warne, F. D. York.

Ship’s Hospital Staff.Corpl. V. H. Clifford. Ptes. j ' W. Bryan, W. Backous.

D isp e n se r .Corpl. R. Good.

Army Pay.Staff-Sergt. H. B. V. Townshend.

N.Z. Dental Corps.Lieut.. T. B. Riordan.

Chaplains.Capt. J . C. M urphy, .Roman Catholic; Capt. Peni H akiw ai,

Church of England. •

N.Z. Postal Service,Sergt. J. A. Macpherson.

Ship’s Permanent Staff.Lieut. E. J. Butler. Q.M.Sergt. A. M cDiarmid, Sergt. C. Mill..

Records Clerk.Sergt. A. J . Edmunds.

Royal Flying Corps Cadets.Cadets John F. Lockhead, Athol H. Murison, Geo. A. Nicholls..

N e v Zealand Medical Corps.Capt. A. N. McKelvey. Corpl. W. H. Hulse.Lieut. J . N. Edgar. L /C orpl. F. Peat.Sergt. N. Carless. 'Ptes. C. II. Bryant, C. L. Burt, A. Bushy, R. H. Catton, J .

J. S. Corneis, F. A. Fanner, T. Gick, D. H. Gilmour, P . E. Hayward, E. T. Hill, D. S. M artin, R. H. B. McCombie,E. A. Muis, D. A. Nicholas, W. G. Ross, E. C. Russ, C. L. Russ, E. L. Smith, G. I. Stedman, H. Yoss, H. W ard, C. W. W att, H. H. Wilkins.

Crew List.D e ck D e p a r tm e n t.

M aster, A. M. Edwin.Chief Officer, R. Cordy. 3rd Officer, H. S. Collier.2nd Officer, J . M. Nicol. E x tra 3rd Officer, R. M. ScottA. Skene Smith, H. McLean, R. Campbell, W. Reilly, C. E.

Malley, C. Connell. A. McGregor, D. Carmichael, J . McCon­nell, J. McNeil, J . Miller, W. Daniell, A. Ferguson. J . McKech- nie, D. Robertson, D. H. Sinclair, J . Maclnnes, V. Campbell, V. Jones, G. Fry, A. C. Laver, J. R. W arner, L. Dickson, F. R. Weston.

E n g in e R o o m D e p a r tm e n t.Chief Engineer, J . C. Paulesen:

L. McMurrich, J . Manson, M. MacLeod, D. H. Beattie,.E. J . Rixon, W. II. Luoas-, H.—J.- Bagley, M. Dooherty, H. Andrews. J . Laird, P. Gallagher, J. A. Ferguson, A. W. Pearce, A. H. Jordan; W. Evans, J . Eade, A. H ill, T. Williams. J . Sydenham, T. W. Spencer. John Allen, J . Dempsey, B. Smith,F. Gillard, F. Adams, C. M clllaney, A. R. Price, A. Burman J. Allen, H. Flynn, G. Jarvie, F . Sanders, J . Housego, H. C. Morris, C. King, F. J. Wigmore, G. Wigmore, W. 0. Wilkins,. T. Holford, C. E. Adams, C. Sherlock, E. Shepherd, H. Crosby,H. Nicholls, J. Faulkner, C. Smi\>h.

P ro v e d o r e D e p a r tm e n t .Chief Steward, H. Whyte. 2nd Steward, F. Ashby.F. Kellan, W. J. Catlin, J . Kavanagli. R. Fleming, S- A..

Burke, C. Shran, A. Russell, A. Skinner, A. G: Povnter, A. G. Williams, J. J . Livesev, L. Flynn, P. Dobrilla. R. H. Mounsey, J McDonald, J . Lyden. O .'D . Gray. H. G Wood. W. M,. Campbell, F. C. Haines; H. Bates, F. C. Goddard. C. W. Anderson, E. Crawlev. J. Brisbane. A. C. Dobson, J . J. Corrin,. J; Oates, T. C. Glasier, G. Rike, W. M. S tratford, T. C. Wood.

THE GREY FUNNEL. 31

OUR VOYAGE.We feel w e’cotdd hardly go to press', without giving an accurate

if, owing to censorship regulations, somewhat vague account of our voyage and the. sights seen by the sea side.

Fortunately , we have been privileged to avail ourselves of .Sergt. Blanks’ private notes. In these he proceeds : Blank January, blank. -WelT, here we are, after a voyage of blank weeks and blank days, safe in blank. Leaving blank in New Zealand on blank the blank, we shaped a course blank blank by blank, and for ten ’ days we experienced a Hanky blank swell which made most of the boys blanky seasick. Fine weather then prevailed, and after blank days out we arrived a t blank. This wias what we had all been so anxious to see. The sights th a t met our eyes will never fade Tfom memory: There, on our blank side, stood huge blanks towering 011 the’ blank, whilst blank blank lay the blank stretching, away between low-lying blanks and blank vegetation. Just fix this panorama in your mind : Blank ahead, blank to port and blank to starboard, whilst astern it was blank blank ! No wonder more facile pens than mine have failed to do it justice. I t was simply blank ! And when, after blanking blank three stupendous-blanks, we made fast for the night a t blank, daikness had come, and the scene was en­trancing as one from fairyland. .Bright blanks blanked from the tops of countless concrete b lanks; away’ a-blank the massive blanks stood out in bold relief against the ..shimmering waters, and on our blankboard numbers of local residents stood, on the blank and bid us welcome. ‘ Come on over,” said .they. “ Blank,” said we. But no such blaiiky luck—there was no leave. B lan k ! .

[We regret th at lark of space compels us to hold over the balance of this graphic account until publication; of. our- next number..- The full story, .written by another h a n d ,-may, how­ever, be obtained in the blankf olk “ Leger,” published 011

December 2 2 .— E d J

BIRTHS, MARRIAGES, AND DEATHSBIRTHS.

Four a t least in every cabin. All doing veil.

HenI n M e m o r i a m .

lies the body of Kaiser Bill,

COMPANY ALPHABET.

stands for Adams, a lieutenant so tail, stands for Buick, the shortest of all. stands for Conway, who plays on the flute, stands for Dyer, who thinks he cin shoot, stands for Edwards, the boss of the mess, stands for Finlay, who’s one of the best, stands for Gundeson, who has been to’ Samoa, stands for Hall,' who is a bit of a goer,

stands for Iorns, who .said he was blind, stands for Johnstone, we left him behind, stands for Keane, who is keen on the beat, stands for Lomath, who-cuts up our meat, stands for Mander, a game bit of stuff, stands for Neilson, who speaks very gruff, stands for Ogren, whose condition is pink, stands for Porter, they put him in clink, stands for — —, I am quite at a loss, stands for Ramble, who’s studying Morse, stands for Simpson, his nickname is blossom,

.stands for Turner, who thinks he can .boss ’em. stands for Upton, the orderly room clerk, stands for Valentine, he’s up to a lark, stands for Wilson, a good man is he.

stands for Xmas, we will have on the sea. stands for York, who’s our baby bliss, stands for Zeal, and we all have got this.

N a t i o n . —Now 011 view at His M ajesty’s.R o u t i n e O r d e r s . —“ Every ” day. Not doing too welLBug.—At cabin 78, twins 011 November 28, triplets on Novem­

ber 29, quadruplets 011 November 30, and so on. All doing very well.

MARRIAGES.

T o il —T r o u b l e . —At the Records Office on November 23-, 1917, John Henry, second son of Endless Toil, to Mary Ann, only daughter of Early Roll Call Trouble. Both are well known on board.

Bug—-Bug.—On November 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, etc. The padres have lost all other particulars.

DEATHS.

F isn .—At his address, Wellington Harbour, New Zealand, 6n November. 10, 1881. Exhumed in for’.d mess December 7, 1917. “ Till smells arise.”

i I Bug.—J ohn Bartholomew, also William Harold, also John | Wilkie, also Sarah, also W inifred M atilda, also Basil Patrick, ; all on December 8 in cabin 79. “ Their end was Keatings.”

WHEN THE WAR WILL END.

Absolute knowledge have I none,But my aunt’s washerwoman’s sister’s son Heard a policeman on his beat;Say to a labourer on the street,

• That he had a letter just last week",W ritten in the finest Greek,From a Chinese coolie in Timbuctoo,Who said the negroes in Cuba knew Of a coloured man in Texas town,Who got it straight from a circus clown,T hat a man in Klondike heard the news From a gang of South American Jews,About somebody in Borneo,Who met a drummer in the Soo,Who said th a t he had been feeling blue Ever since his mother-in-law said she’d undertake To prove th at her seventh husband’s sister’s niece Had stated in a printed piece,T hat she had a son who had a friend Who said he knows when the war will end.

His soul has travelled against his will,He died with a frown; as his cards he threw down When he heard of the coming of Captain Brown.Last night the spirit of M artha Bug Fled on its way in response to a hug.Too long had she wallowed in soldiers’ blood.She had worried us more than our daily spud.

In loving memory of Fresh F ru it, who contracted a fatal disease, and was buried at sea 011 November 26. “ Gone, but not forgotten.”

F O R S A L E , T O L E T , O R E X C H A N G E .

Two berths in cabin No. 83, a t present occupied by Sergts. Thomason and Johns. The remaining berth is occupied by Cpl. Grooby, of the W ater Police, and owing to his wonderful organisation his men only wake the occupants of the cabin about seventeen times during the night to make inquiries concerning their respective duties’.

ABCDEFGHIJKLIV!NOPQRSTUVwXYz

“ A ”

32 TH E GREY FUNNEL.

GENERAL NOTES.The thanks of the whole ship’s company are due to Corporal

W ellby, “ A ” Co., 32nd, through whose energy, both prior and subsequent to embarkation, we are able to boast a ba.nd. No one, outside those acquainted with band work and orches­tra tion , can have any conception of the difficult and not seldom disheartening task th at lies ahead of a conductor as he faces a number of instrumentalists unknown both to himself and to each other. Thanks to Corporal Wellby, however, the band has been organised, and its items are much appreciated. 'Jt is only to be regretted th a t its organiser and conductor has not been in the best of health.

Sick parades threatened to be the most popular on board ship when it became known th a t 11 a.m. bovril water was served to poor seasick heroes. Seasickness is now cured by-fatigue duty.F.ish have ceased to follow the boat.

Corporal Hulse can feel your pulse And dress your vaccination., •

B ut the dope he dishes Is not delicious,

And causes consternation.

Dick Campbell, the notorious bos’n.of this tub, was crimed on December 12 on charge of bustling ;E Company’s coal-heavers, thereby exciting the men in such manner as to endanger human lives.

During the concluding stage of our journey, all th ree ships held collections on board on behalf of a relief fund in aid of distress caused by a huge explosion at a p o rt we called at. On Transport 95 approximately £40 was donated. The N.Z.M .C. section, consisting of only th ir ty men, contributed over £3 , and so proportionately easily topped the list. D. 31 came next with almost £15. W e believe the crew also responded with over £40.

The number of supervisors and overseers necessary, in our coal-lumping work was a very small one, only four officers and five sergeants being employed to work fifty men.

Mascot loved Rita,W anted to propose.Speech quite romantic.Cold in the nose.Took Bill’s emulsion,Nose, became clear.Back, back to R ita, yes, Mascot dear.

The Magazine Committee desire to express their heartiest thanks to the Y.M .C.A. for the invaluable aid given so will­ingly in the publication of this journal. I t was impossible fdr anyone to get leave to supervise the proof-reading and do all the other little jobs attendant on the printing of a paper of this sort; bu t the soldiers’ friend in the Red Triangle buildings came to the rescue * and made all arrangements. V ivat Y.M.C.A. !

WORLDS TOURSARRANGED BY NEW ZEALAND GOVERNMENT.

A P P L Y N E A R E S T G R O U P O F F IC E .

We have now made special arrangements

FOR MARRIED MEN

Printed by St . Cl e m e n t s P r e s s , Newspaper Buildings, Portugal Street, London, W .C.2.

From No. ----

N am e

ON ACTIVE S E R V IC E W ITH TH E

N E W Z E A L A N D EX P E D IT IO N A R Y FO R C E.

To_____

The Grey FunnelThe O fficia l Organ o f Troopship 95 on her eighth Trip to the H om eland

Officer Com m anding S h i p .................................... L ieut. J. B. C A L L A NA d j u t a n t ............................................................ ' 2nd Lieut. W . H . R E A D Y

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G ift C om m ittee :Officer Commanding Troops : Capt. McKELVY.

2nd Lieut. H IN T O N . 2nd Lieut. PEARCE. Sergt. COX.CA HILL. „ M E T E K IN G I. „ SK IPW ITH .SOMERS. C.-Sergt.-Maj. L IT T L E . „ FRANKS.M IT C H E L L . Sergt. CARLESS. Lee.-Cpl. W ILKIE.T R E M B A TH . „ M ELV ILLE.

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E ntertainm ent C om m ittee:Capt. M U RPH Y . R.Q.M.S. FORD. Pte. G REEN H O W .

„ HAKIW AI. Sergt.-Maj. M A K E R E T H . „ CROPPER.2nd Lieut. PAULSEN. Q.M.Sergt. KELLY. „ H ILL.R.S.M. BARNSLEY. Corpl. WELLBY.

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M agazine C o m m ittee :2nd Lieut. H IN T O N . Sergt.-Maj. M A K ER E TH . ■ Sergt. SHAW.

M ALCOLM . R.Q.M.S. FORD. „ CARLESS.M ANDER. Sergt. SK IPW ITH . ' Pte. G REEN H O W . GALLEN. „ JOH N S.