The Many Adventures of Bob

8/6/2019 The Many Adventures of Bob

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The Many Adventures of Bob!

By: Timarz

(Also known as Tim and Marz Waggener)

1. The LawnBob looked out the side window of his car and tried to read a sign that said:

Warning!these blades of grass

are not blades of grass.They are my collection

of green tire-puncturing needles.Do not drive on this lawn.

Not being able to read the fine print, Bob drove onto the lawn to read the sign. His tires did not pop and the

owner of the house, believing Bob to have called his bluff, came out and shot Bob’s tires with blow darts.

“Well, shucks,” said Bob, “Now I can’t get outa here.”

The police arrived shortly and took Bob to the station.

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2. The Police StationBob arrived at the police station, kindly escorted by a

friendly policeman.

“Get over here,” the friendly policeman snarled, shoving

Bob into a small cell. “You can get out after you move your car off of the lawn.” With these final brutal words, the

friendly policeman slammed the door to the cell. Bob heard

the lock slide into place.

“Now how can I move my car from in here?” Bob

wondered. Then he remembered his remote-control device.

“This should work!” Bob exclaimed joyfully, and pressed a

few buttons.

3. The Lawn Again“I can’t believe what this guy did either,” Joe Blow was

telling his wife at the dinner table. “Drove onto my lawn,

jist tuh git on mah narves!” Joe Blow finished in his Huntin’

Joe voice. Sally laughed.

“Oh Joe,” she cooed, “I jist love yur Huntin’ Joe voice!”

“I know,” said Joe Blow, and suddenly Bob’s car drove

through the dining room! Joe Blow was none to pleased

about this development, but as the car was off the lawn, Bob

was released from jail.

4. The New Car “So,” the Salesman asked, “What kind of car did you

want?”

“Oh, nothing special, just one of those models that uses

a remote control.”

“Oh, those,” the Salesman said with some scorn. “Westopped making those since the were broken into and

steered by the remote...But, I believe I have just the car for

you.” The Salesman led Bob up to a black car, “We call

this the Batmobile.”

“I’ll take it. How much?”

The Salesman came in real close and whispered the

price in Bob’s ear.

“Yipes!” said Bob, “Why don’t you show me a cheaper

model?”

“Care for a game of marbles?” asked the Salesman,

stalling for time.

“No thanks,” replied Bob.

Bob ended up leaving in a Volkswagen.

5. The HoboBob threw the remote control on the garbage can. Later

it was retrieved by a hobo. He started fooling around with

the controls. But this is another story. Well, it’s not

another story. It’s just not in this chapter.

6. Joe’s Dining Room“So how are we going to get this car out? I’ve changed

the tires, but the brake is on and it won’t roll.” Commented

Joe to his dearly beloved.

Suddenly the car lurched backward, knocking over Joeand Sally. They crawled out of the way as the car drove

into the street and into a nearby lake.

“By George, I believe that thing is possessed,”

commented Sally.

“The name’s Joe, not George,” snapped Joe, “One

would think you’d have it right after all these years.”

Ignoring Joe’s last remark, Sally continued, “Well, I

thought he seemed a bit odd. He’s probably one of themevil types.”

“Probably,” countered Joe

“Isn’t that how the spirits left the pigs? By going into a

lake?”

“I believe it was the ocean.”“Whatever”

7. The Hobo AgainWell our friend the hobo was fairly bored, as hobos

sometimes are. After all, they don’t do much but jump on

trains and travel around the country. Although this may

seem fairly exciting, it gets old. Most things do. So this

hobo, whose name was Splinter (long story behind that one)

decided to make a friend. Fingering his new remote-

control, which had been found in a local trash can, he

decided to find its former owner. This owner would surely

be his friend, he reasoned, because he had the remotecontrol. Finding the owner was much easier than Splinter

thought it would be. The name Bob Baloney was etched

along the side of the control, in beautiful cursive letters. An

address followed, in plain block letters.“Now where am I going to find 1234 Smith Street?” the

hobo wondered, and looking around, noticed that the

garbage can he had just pulled the remote out of was

conveniently placed in the driveway of 1234 Smith Street!

“An omen,” said the hobo, and started rapping on the door.

8. Bob’s HouseBob was enjoying a peaceful evening, relaxing from his

recent jail-break. He was playing his favorite CD, entitled“Sailboat Journey,” which produced noises of the ocean. It

was actually a very stressful CD for Bob to listen to,

because of the massive creaking of the ship - Bob was

always frightened that the ship would crack in half and he

would drown, because he couldn’t swim worth a lick. Sunk

like lead, did Bob. So, as Bob was stressfuly relaxing, theresuddenly came a fierce knocking on his door! This was not

expected on a peacefully stressing evening, and Bob, being

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quite carried away in the music of his CD, fancied that it

was the first splintering of the ship, right down its belly.

Bob was quite frightened.

“No!!” screamed Bob, “No! I can’t swim!” He jumped

up out of his relaxing chair and ran about frantically,

searching for a life vest. The hobo, who was indeed

knocking on Bob’s door at 1234 Smith Street, only knockedharder. This caused Bob added stress. “Help!!!” screamed

Bob, and suddenly noticed the telephone. “Good thing

they’ve got a telephone on this ship,” he muttered, and

quickly dialed 911.

“Is this an emergency?” questioned a lady on the other

end of the phone.

“Yes, please, I’m sinking and don’t have a life vest!”

Bob cried frantically.

“Address,” said the lady at the other end, sounding very

un-concerned for Bob’s welfare.

“1234 Smith Street,” Bob gasped.

“We’ll be right over,” she said and hung up.

9. The Police Station Again“Listen mister,” growled the friendly policeman, “this is

the second time I’ve had to deal with you.”

But due to the fact that the policeman was growling, it

sounded something like, “Griffin Blister...mummer

murmur... eel like you!”

“So!” said the policeman, now speaking in a normal

tone of voice, “We won’t have ANY MORE TROUBLE

from you, now will we??!”

“I’m not an eel!” mumbled Bob.

“Say what?”

“I’m not an eel!” said Bob

“That’s just what I thought,” said the policeman,“another crazy man! Get in the jail cell!”

10. The Jail Cell“Hi there, my names Griffen, what’s yours?” asked

Bob’s cell mate.

“Hmm. Officer mentioned you. I’m Bob Baloney.

Retired fisherman.” Bob was not actually a fisherman, but

since his boat had broken he decided he was retired.

“That’s what got me in here, my boat was sinking and I

called 911.”

“Ah, you have a cellular?” asked Griffen.

“Nope. Plain old cord.”“Uh huh. What did the officer say about me?”

“Said you were a regular blister.”

“Sounds a lot like him.”

Bob took out some cards and started to play solitaire.

“Hey, mind if I play?” asked the cell mate.

Bob suddenly had a strong feeling that he was

experiencing something of a past life. What should he say?

“Sure. When I say hit me, you give me the next card in

the pile.”

“Okay.”

“Hit me!-Ouch!”

“Oops, sorry, instinct. Here you go.”

“Thanks, so what are you - hit me- in for?”

“Oh first degree murder or maybe it was third. Oh well,

whichever one it was that was worse.”

“Who’d ya kill? - Hit me.”“His name was Fred and I didn’t kill anybody. I just

told him to get me some marmalade. I was-”

“Hit me”

“I was framed. He goes to get me the marmalade see

and then I hear this loud crashing sound. Well I-”

“Hit me”

“I run into the kitchen and there it is all over the floor!”

“Hit me. Fred?”

“No the marmalade. Well, I was pretty mad so I socked

him in the jaw. Then this guy comes in with a shotgun and

he-”

“Hit me”

“Will you stop saying that?”“All right.” Bob stopped playing solitaire.

“Anyway, this guy with a shotgun comes in and he

pumps Fred full o’ lead. Then while I stand there staring athim he wipes the gun clean and puts it in my trembling

hands. Turns out he had used my shotgun too. It falls to the

floor and he walks out the back door.”

“The marmalade again?”

“No the shotgun.”

“Hmm. I’m sure the jury will understand. Hit me.”

11. Joe’s Dining Room Again“Oh, Joe,” cooed Sally, “What are we going to do about

this big hole in the wall?”“Well, it does give us a lovely view of the lake,”

commented Joe Blow. Sally agreed.

“Yes, I agree,” said Sally, “but when it’s raining like it

is now, it gets the carpet wet.” Joe looked at the soggy

carpet.“True, true,” he mused. “Snow would be lovely,

however. I do ever so love snow - it’s so white and fluffy,

like a clean down blanket -”

“And cold, unlike a clean down blanket,” Sally

interrupted.

“Ah, yes,” Joe said, remembering, “It would cost a bit to

keep the heat going, now wouldn’t it?”

“Yes,” said Sally dryly.“But it’s so romantic, isn’t it?” Joe asked, his voice

filled with tender emotion.

“JOE! Get the stupid hole fixed!” Sally cried velmently,

much vexed by Joe’s improbability.

“I’ve got it!” Joe cried suddenly, a light bulb flashing

above his head.

“How do you do that?” Sally asked in wonder.

“Do what?”

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“Make that light bulb appear above your head.”

“Oh, the light bulb’s always there,” Joe explained, “but

it’s usually not on.”

“Oh,” said Sally, understanding. “What do you have?”

“What do I have?” Joe asked, confused. “I have lots of

things. Would you like a list?” Sally refrained herself from

slapping him soundly.“The idea,” said Sally dryly. “The light bulb idea you

had.”

“Light bulb?” asked Joe, now more confused. “Yes,

we’ve got plenty of light bulbs, there’s some extra in the

closet over there if one burned out...” Sally rudely turned

on her heels and walked out of the hole in the wall. “Hey,

it’s raining!” Joe called after her. “Don’t you want an

umbrella?”

12. The Hobo Yet AgainFinding that Splinter’s new friend had abandoned his

house, Splinter decided to move in.

“What a boring and disgusting home,” mused Splinter.“I’ll have to personalize it a little bit.” Splinter went to the

kitchen, looking for food. He found a can of Alphabet

Soup, but, not knowing how to use Bob’s hi-tech stove,

cooked the soup over a fire which he started in the living

room in a cardboard box. Our friend the hobo did not

normally cook food over a fire in the middle of the living

room, but today he did because it was raining outside.

13. Joe’s Dining Room“Sally, wait!” Joe cried. “Don’t leave!”

14. The Hobo Yet Another Time (getused to him, he’s here to stay)

Splinter finished the can of alphabet soup and went and

opened all the windows. The smoke was really starting to

get to him. He watched a fire truck park outside. He went

and put out the fire with a bucket of water.

15. News Time in JailBob was watching the news with all the other jailed ones

when he saw his house on TV.

“That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, this house almost

burned down today but a hobo off the street saved it by

pouring a bucket full of water on the fire before the entirehouse caught on fire.”

Wow, thought Bob, that sure was a nice thing for him to

do. I’ll have to thank him when I get out of here.

16. The Hobo Another Time StillWell, our friend Splinter, although he had a new house

(he had never had a house before), was still bored. To

relieve this boredom that was not relieved in the alphabet

soup, he decided to write some poetry.

A Childhood Memory in the Form of SestinaThe room is a mess.

To get through it, I’ll need a compass.Yet I must find my English notes.

Find them indeed! My very lifedepends on it, but who could guess

where they’re buried in this junk?

Angry. I abhor the junk covering the floor, making a mess.

I am mad. How could I guessI’d need English? I sling the compass

around my neck, wondering if my lifewill end because of those notes.

I flick on the radio. Harsh notes

fill my weary ear with junk.The song makes me think of life,

bordering disaster’s brink, O mess!

I need a direction, but my compasson the red cord won’t help, I guess.

But I take a wild guessand plunge into the mess, the notes

from English class not found by my compass

dangling from the red cord. All this junk

that I hoard! I survey the messwith an expert eye, it matches my life

and makes me want to cry; life

will be short, I reckon, I guess,if something doesn’t happen with this mess.

The radio, indifferent to my plight, blares rude notes

into the room, into the height of junk

that reaches the ceiling—and my compass

dangling from my neck, the compass

won’t help save my life.

Oh, heck. Who cares about the junk?Well— I do, I guess,

because I need the notes . . .

Boy am I in a mess.

This junk, it’s too much! I guess

the compass can’t save my life

depends on those notes! What a mess...

Splinter felt it was a very good poem. He wished to

display it, so he found some nails and a hammer in the basement and nailed a copy to the chandelier in the front

hallway. The chandelier had a few cracks in it when he was

finished, but Splinter felt that the loss was worth the gain.

The only problem was that he couldn’t read the poem when

it was dangling from the chandelier. Therefore, he made

several more copies and nailed them up all over the house:

to walls, windows, furniture, and Smuggles, the cat.

Smuggles was not to happy about Splinter’s poem, but this

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did not discourage Splinter in the least. Poets know better

than to listen to bad reviews.

17. Bob’s Return HomeBob returned home to find his chandelier cracked most

violently. “My chandelier!!!” exclaimed Bob.

“What are you doing in here?” asked Splinter.“I live here. What are you doing in here?” asked Bob.

“I was, um... just checking to see if there was a fire in

here again. I put out the last one, you know.”

“Oh, that was you! I saw that on the news. And thank

you!”

“You’re most certainly welcome.”

Bob pulled down the notice from the chandelier.

“What’s this?”“Oh, that’s just a poem I wro- I mean, saw here when I

came in.”

“Hmm. This looks like it could be worth millions. I’d

pay the author a lot of money for it.”

“I WROTE IT!” yelled Splinter, rather excited now.“I thought as much, but the point is, who nailed it up

here?”

“Er, some guy, who said his name was...” the only thing

going through Splinter’s mind was the Andy Griffith

episode he had just watched. It was his first experience

ever with TV. “Er...Griffith”

“Griffith?”

“No, ah, Griffen!”

“Ah-ha! I should have suspected as much. While he

was pretending to be in jail he was really wrecking my

house! I should go back to that cell and-”

“He ate your soup too. And he nailed it to your walls

and your windows and your cat and yo-”“My cat!!?”

“Well, he tried but the cat sorta snaked outa the way.”

“Seems he was really obsessed with this thing.”

“Yeah, he thought it was pretty good. How much are

you willing to pay for it.”“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

18. The Hobo in His FurySplinter slammed out of Bob’s house, knocking down

the photograph of Bob’s mother in this act. This did notmake Bob very happy, but he was glad to be rid of the hobo.

This was due to the fact that Bob was planning a ruthless

exploit of the hobo’s literary talent. Yes, that’s right. Bob

was going to sell Splinter’s poem as his own. Atnalta would

make a good pen name, thought Bob, Atnalta Aigroeg.

That way the initials of Bob’s new pen name would be AA,

which was almost AAA, as in Triple A, which Bob thought

was very cool indeed. In fact, Bob reasoned, if he could

think of a middle name that began in A he would have it

made - something like Acirema, yes Acirema would be

beautiful. Atnalta Acirema Aigroeg was beautiful indeed.

“At-nalt-uh Auh-kire-mah Aie-grow-eig!” Bob

exclaimed, and due to the broken windows which was due

to the poems that Splinter had nailed onto them, his voice

carried across the barren land. Splinter, who was still

traversing in a direction directly opposing Bob’s house(although there were infinitely many such directions,

Splinter had chosen one that lead to a railroad track, in

hopes of catching a train), heard Bob’s sudden out burst.

“Anala Uhkiremuh Egroweeg? What kind of Greek is

that?” Splinter wondered, and wrote it down in his literary

notebook, which he had borrowed from Bob in his recent

visit for the purpose of writing down flashes of insight as

they struck him. Splinter had yet to be struck by a flash of

insight, but he knew one day it would happen. As Splinter’s

fury had cooled, our chapter is now over.

19. Bob’s Ruthless Exploit“Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha!” laughed Bob, a ruthless tinge

edging his evil laugh. “Wa, ha, ha, ha, ha!” he continued,

with more velocity. Having spent himself on evil laughs, he

plopped into a chair, only to discover to his horror that it

was wet!

“The horror! The horror!” cried Bob, and expired.

“Drat,” Bob muttered, “I hate it when my expiration date

runs out. Now I have to get renewed.” Bob took a quick

trip to the library.

20. Bob at the LibraryBob entered the library. A dank, heavy odor found its

way into his nostrils. He was oppressed with the crushingfeeling that he had entered the very heart of darkness.

“Hello, I would like to be renewed,” said Bob Baloney to a

savage-looking librarian. The librarian had a piece of bone

pierced through her nose, and was scantily clad in oddlycolored animal skins. Could it be - a female, Bob thought, a

symbol of truth and wisdom -

“I’m sorry,” said the clerk, “but I believe I didn’t hear

your correctly. Could you repeat that?”

“I would like to be renewed,” said Bob.

“Just a moment, please.” The library clerk with the

bone through her nose picked up the phone receiver and

dialed a number. Bob casually glanced around the dimly lit

library, debating over whether the torches that gave it afeeble light were a fire hazard or not. In the middle of the

library, he noticed three posts, adorned with wooden knobs

at the top. It seemed a strange decoration for a library.

“Yes, that’s right. Yes, another one of them. Uh-huh.

Yes, I’ll hold.”

Bob cleared his throat casually. His eyes were slowly

becoming adjusted to the dim light. He looked at the posts

more carefully. Discretely he pulled out a spy telescope he

always carried in his front shirt pocket. The spy telescope

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was disguised to look like a pen. He lifted it to his eye and

squinted at the posts. As they came into focus, Bob’s head

jerked back in automatic reaction. But he was not horrified

by what he saw, only mildly surprised. Putting the spyglass

to his eye again, the knobs on the posts jumped back into

his vision, and he saw that they were not knobs at all, but

heads — meek human heads of dark hair and empty eyes. Now he knew where he was - he had entered the savage

untamable darkness, filled with mystery and wonder - Bob

vaguely hoped that they would get the power back soon.

“Yes, I can wait.” The clerk hung up and turned to Bob.

“Your police escort will be here shortly,” she said. She had

noticed his reactions to the heads, and smiled

apologetically. “It’s Curts, you see,” she explained, “I tried

to get him to stop, but - he’s enlarged my mind, don’t you

see! He’s a genius! You should hear him speak!” Bob did

not wait to hear him speak. He left the library and waited

for his police escort outside.

21. The Officer “You again, huh? Get in the car.” Bob got in the back

of the car.

“Say, what’s your name?” Bob asked in what he hoped

was a friendly manner.

“Joe.” A pause, not a friendly one. After taking a hint

from Bob’s inquisitive stare, Joe barked, “Joe Conrad.”

“I’m Bob Baloney.”

“Can’t tell you how thrilled I am to meet you again.”

“Why not?”

“Shut up will you?”

22. SallySally walked out onto the street infuriated. Why did her

husband have to be so dumb? Why wouldn’t he fix the

hole? Why was that car honking its horn?

“Get outa the street lady!” someone screamed.Wet, exhausted, soaked, and tired Sally broke down and

began to cry.

“Are you okay lady?” asked the driver.

Sally cried longer.

The driver got out of his car and stood next to her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh, everything.”

Joe Blow, seeing someone standing next to his wife who

had just gotten out of his car deduced that the man standingnext to his wife was a homicidal maniac. He ran to get his

blowgun.

23. Joe Blow ReturnsBy the time Joe Blow returned with his blowgun, the

homicidal maniac had left. “Drat,” muttered Joe Blow.Sally noticed him.

“Joe!” Sally exclaimed, alarmed. “You know better

than to walk around the streets with your blowgun!”

“Yes, I know,” said Joe, feeling ashamed. He looked at

Sally. She looked wet. “You look wet,” he commented.

“Observant, aren’t we?” she muttered.

“Why, yes,” said Joe, feeling intelligent. “Would you

like a raincoat?”“Sure,” said Sally. Joe took off his raincoat and handed

it to her. Sally put it on. Joe got wet. The sweet end. Well

not really. There’s still a few more chapters.

24. The Ruthless Return of the ZoloftThe Zoloft rose out of the sea and started to devour

cities. “munch munch munch” went the Zoloft. Slosh slosh

slosh, went the Zoloft.“Isn’t this a great movie, hon?” said Joe Blow.

“Shhh!” said Sally Blow.

“Isn’t this a great movie, hon?” said Joe Conrad.

“Shhh!” said Samantha Conrad.

The monster went back into the sea, not to return for several days. The announcer’s voice rang through the air,

“The Zoloft would not come back for several days, and

that’s when part twelve starts. And this time, he will not be

ruthless.” The lights came back on.

On the way out Joe Blow bumped into Joe Conrad.

“Hey Joe, how’s it goin’?” asked Joe Blow.

“Pretty good. What do you suppose the announcer

meant by not being ruthless?” asked Joe Conrad.

“Didn’t you see part eight? The Zoloft has a wife

named Ruth.”

“Oh, of course.”

“We’d better be going dear,” said Samantha.

“Just a moment, dear. Joe, did you know that I’ve jailedthat guy who drove his car on your lawn three times now?”

asked Joe Conrad.

“Really? Is he still in jail?” asked Joe Blow.

“Yes,” said Joe Conrad.

“I believe I will visit him,” said Joe Blow.

25. Joe at JailJoe Conrad was glaring at Bob, who was still behind

bars.

“Expire, will ya?” snarled Joe Conrad in a friendly

manner. “Yeah, we’ll show you to expire...” Just then our

hero (not really our hero, because Bob is really our hero)walked into the police station. Conrad left Bob — for the

time being at least — to tend to this new fiend.

“You’ve got a visitor,” said Joe Conrad to Bob. “His

name’s Joe Blow. Do you want to see him?”

“Why not? It’s boring enough in this jail cell.”

Joe Conrad led Bob Baloney to a Plexiglas booth. On

both sides was a phone. Bob picked up the receiver. “Yo,

Joe?”

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“Yo, Bob. What be it! I was chillin’ with my boys in da

hood da other day when ya drove on my lawn. You showin’

me no respect hea, and this ain’t tight.” Bob looked

confused by Joe Blow’s sudden outburst.

“I thought you were famous for your Huntin’ Joe voice,”

said Bob.

“Whall, shore I be famos fur mah Huntin’ Joe voice,”said Joe, suddenly on the defensive, “but I reckon a felluh

kin talk anyhows he likes!”

“Of course, of course,” said Bob, trying to ease the

situation, “you can talk anyhows you like.”

“Well, don ya be dissin’ me bout it, ya heah?”

“Whallo, corsico I ain’t o’ dissin yo,” Bob exclaimed,

making up a slang of his very own. “No-oh, I’d no disso

yo!”

“Yud best shut yer mouth thare, soney,” said Joe in a

low and dangerous Huntin’ Joe voice.

“Whateo yo be mean-o?” Bob asked, unflustered. “If O

shot mo mouthieo, O canno taco!” Joe’s face had slowly

metamorphasized into a glowing tight purple mass of anger, but Bob had failed to notice these danger signs. “Annieo yo

kamo hear toe hearmoe talko!” The livid purple mass,

tinged with green, that was unrecognizably Joe’s facesuddenly sprang into action. Or rather, Joe did. He hurled

his clenched fist straight into the Plexiglas! This was not a

smart move as his fist bounced off and he went sprawling

over backwards.

“I’ll show you, boy-oh!” Joe screamed in rage, still

recovering from his fall backwards. The purple had seeped

into a deep and dangerous red. Joe Conrad, the police

officer present, began to awake from a long sleep, in which

he was dreaming of a huge and monstrous Zoloft monster

smashing the Plexiglas at the police station.“Just a dream,” muttered Joe Conrad, and went back to

sleep.

Bob recoiled in horror and started screaming, “Helpo

moe. He’s killo moe gonno.”

Joe Conrad awoke. “JB! Whatcha’ think yer a doin’?”

Joe Blow continued to pound on the glass until Conrad

escorted him from the building in a friendly manner.

26. The Hobo Finds a Hobby“I need a hobby,” said Splinter the Hobo to his friend

Blister.

“Ah,” said Blister.

“A good hobby,” said Splinter, “one that could make memoney.”

“Ah,” said Blister. “No doubt there’s lots of those

around.”

“No doubt,” said Splinter, “but I just can’t think of any

of them.” Splinter stopped to think. “Hmmm...” said

Splinter in his musings. He pulled out his literary notebook.

“Brainstorming helps sometimes,” he explained to his friend

Blister.

“Ah,” said Blister, “no doubt that’s true.”

Brainstorming , wrote Splinter at the top of the page. A

hobby.

“You could learn to play the harmonica,” Blister

suggested.

Harmonica, wrote Splinter at the start of his list, and

replied to Blister, “How will playing the harmonica get memoney?”

“Well,” said Blister, musing over this, “If you got real

good, you could put your hat out up-side down, like so” —

Blister demonstrated— “and people will play coin toss.”

“Coin toss,” said Splinter. “Hmmm.” More thinking.

“I’ve got it!” cried Splinter, suddenly struck by a flash of

insight. The flash of insight quite knocked Splinter off his

feet. Blister was quite startled.

“What! What!” cried Blister. “Are you okay?”

“Sha, ‘s nothing,” Splinter said calmly, brushing the

incident aside.

“What was that?” Blister asked in awe.

“Aw, I was just struck by a flash of insight!”“A flash of insight? What sort of insight?”

“I could get a pickle jar!” exclaimed Splinter with great

joy. He quickly took up his pen, and with great excitement,wrote pickle jar on his brainstorming page.

“That would be a fabulous hobby,” exclaimed Blister,

who still did not fully understand Splinter’s flash of insight.

“I even know where you could get a pickle jar.”

“Where?”

“Follow me,” said Blister, and the two hobos jumped off

the train together.

27. The Police Station Again“I say,” said Bob to Conrad, in an intelligent Sherlock

Holmes type voice, “now that my forty-eight hours are up,

don’t you have to tell me what I’m in jail for?” Conrad

frowned at him angrily.

“Fur breakin’ the Plexiglas,” the friendly policeman

barked.“But!” said Bob, still in his intelligent and deductive

voice, “I indeed did not break the Plexiglas. Joe Blow, my

kind and faithful visitor, broke the Plexiglas.”

“Sure, sure, like I’m gonna believe that,” snarled the

friendly policeman. “Next thing you know you’ll be tellin’

me that the Zoloft monster broke it.” The friendly

policeman paused to reflect. “Wait a second,” he mused, “if

I recall correctly, the Zoloft monster did break thePlexiglas...” Still stumped in thought, Joe Conrad unlocked

Bob’s cell.

“Thank you, thank you,” said Bob, and left. Joe

Conrad, realizing the danger of the situation, picked up the

phone to call the police.

“Hello, I need the police,” said Joe.

“Yes, what’s wrong?”

7



“The Zoloft monster is loose. He broke the Plexiglas.

We’ve got to get him!”

“The Zoloft monster, eh? I say, is this Conrad? Joe, if

it’s you playing one of your dumb jokes and tying up the

phone lines you can bet you won’t be back here tomorrow

—” Joe quickly hung up the phone, suddenly remembering

that he was the police and he would have to get the Zoloftmonster himself. He raced out to his police car, and with a

single deft movement, flicked on the lights and the alarm

and tore out of the station.

28. The Pickle Jar “Now where am I going to get a pickle jar?” wondered

Splinter aloud.

“Maybe there’s one in the store,” suggested Blister.“Indeed.”

Splinter walked into the store, selected the largest jar of

pickles, mumbled to himself, “They won’t mind if I borrow

this,” and emptied it onto the counter and left with the

pickle jar.The train hadn’t gone far, and soon Splinter was in the

jail cell that Bob was previously in.

Finding himself bored, he searched the cell and found a

sheet of paper. It read:Atnalta Acirema Aigroeg shall be my name

and I shall publish the poem written by thehobo that invaded my house.

After a quick comparison in his literary notebook,

Splinter figured he had the whole thing figured out.

29. Conrad and the ZoloftJoe Conrad sped down Main Street, in frantic search for

the Zoloft monster. “He couldn’t have gotten far,” mused

Conrad. “After all he was at the station fifteen minutes

ago.” But then he got to thinking about the ruthless nature

of the Zoloft. No doubt a huge creature like that could

move pretty fast. Perhaps faster than Conrad’s car. Conradglanced at the speedometer. It went up to 120. A Zoloft

monster was big. But this Zoloft monster fit in the police

station. Conrad continued to barrel on down the road,

unaware that several other police cars, also with lights and

sirens running, were giving chase behind him.

30. The Hobo’s Plan

Splinter knew he would need a plan, and a very goodone, to overthrow Atnalta Acirema Aigroeg’s evil plan.

Once he had overthrown Atnalta, he would be famous once

again, a hero, this time for saving the world! He would stop

“Atnalta,” whom he recognized as the head of the Mafia,

because he knew their code. He knew “publish” really

meant “distribute” and “poem” really meant “bomb.” But

Splinter wasn’t sure about the “hobo” part.

“I don’t know any hobos, do I?” Splinter asked himself.

“Say there, Griffen, do you know any hobos?”

“Shore I do,” said Griffen good naturedely. “I once

knew a hobo named Bob. He was in here just the other day

but left when the Zoloft monster got loose.” Griffen

thought it was a big joke about the Zoloft monster. Splinter

nodded in what he hoped was a heroic manner.“I suppose this Bob fellow also wrote this note,” said

Splinter, showing Griffen the note in such a way so as he

could not read it.

“I reckon so,” said Griffen. Splinter once again returned

Griffen’s comment with a nod.

“Mafia leader was arrested but escaped,” Splinter mused

under his breath. “Somehow this Mafia leader, who’s name

is Bob, is also a hobo and is building a bomb to distribute...

and he’s going to invade a house - no wait house is a code

word too - it means “The White House.” Ohh, this could be

bad.”

“What’s that?” said Griffen.

“Nothing!” said Splinter a bit too forcefully. Griffen, being quite a tender lad, took personal offense to this and

smacked Splinter right good. Griffen was soon to learn that

Splinter wasn’t named Splinter for nothing. Splinter took out a handy-dandy piece of old wood out of his back pocket

and ran it across Griffen’s back.

“Ow!” Griffen cried out in pain. “Splinters!” Splinter

gave him an evil grin.

“Splinters from the biggest Splinter of them all,” he

snided. “That’s why you don’t mess with Splinter.”

Splinter then put to practice an old trick he had learned

from Otis on the “Andy Griffith” show. He stretched his

arm through the bars, took the key off the hook, and

unlocked himself, being sure to lock the door and put thekey well out of Griffen’s reach.

31. Griffen’s Escape“Now, why didn’t I think of that?” Griffen muttered.

“Probably because I didn’t want to be arrested for escaping from prison,” he replied.

“But still,” he said picking up the piece of wood and

removing the keys, “I can always be a fugitive on the run!”

“Hey, what’re you a doin’??!”

“Er,” Griffen stuttered, “Looke thar!”

“Huh?” muttered the officer as he looked over his

shoulder.

Griffen bolted out of the jail cell.

32. The VetAnd thusforth did Bob decidest to take his cat to the vet

thereof.

And the vet speakest forth and sayeth, “Hast thou been

puncturing thine cat.”

And the words of love and limb flowed forth from Bob’s

mouth as he spokest, “No, sir. ‘Twas that blasted hobo.”

8



And quite surprised by Bob’s flowery language of grace

he repliethed, “‘Twas? Blasted?”

“Tis a flowery chapter,” was Bob’s response of agility.

“Ahh,” speakest the vet.

33. The White HouseSplinter saw a green house. Then a blue one. Then a

dead mouse colored one. Then he saw it, the white house.

But was it the white house? Or just a white house? How

did one tell, he mused. He decided to check it out.

34. The White House (continued)Splinter heroically rang the doorbell to the white house

on Smith Street. A very haggard and cat-clawed man

opened the door.

“Oh you again!” the man snarled, and slammed the door

shut. Splinter did not take this as a positive sign. He went

to a neighbor’s house and rang the doorbell.

“Yes?” asked the lady who opened the door. She was

wearing a space alien costume.

“Um..” said Splinter, a bit unsure of himself. “I was

wondering...”

“Yes?” asked the space alien politely. “Wondering

what?”

“I was wondering, the white house next door to you...

that is the white house, is it not?”

“Of course it is,” the space alien snapped. “Why do you

think it’s white?” She rudely slammed the door in

Splinter’s face. Sounds of laughter and clinking glasses

filtered out from her house to Splinter’s ears. Suddenly the

space alien re-opened the door. “Oh I’m sorry,” she

laughed, “You’re here for the party! Come on in.” Sheushered Splinter into the house. “That’s a great hobo

costume you’ve got there,” she added, and floated off into

another room. Splinter followed. He was greeted with a

horrifying sight. The room was filled with strangecreatures! Monsters, dinosaurs, clowns, anything and

everything possible were laughing and talking. A giraffe

came up to him.

“Hey have a drink!” the giraffe exclaimed. “I’ll pour

you some punch.” Splinter accepted the glass of fruit punch

from the giraffe.

“Well,” said Splinter to the giraffe, “this is the first time

a giraffe has giving me anything to drink!” The giraffe let

out a huge laugh. The laugh was catching, and soon all thestrange creatures were rolling on the floor in their mirth.

“This is too strange for me,” said Splinter, and left.

35. The Camera“It’s that time again,” Bob said into the mike.

“What time is that?” the kids in the voice box allechoed.

“Time for me to go to the bank,” said Bob as he shut the

box off.

“This really may not make a great show,” he mumbled

to himself as he shut off the camera, “but a businessman has

to take his chances. This will be, after all, a greatly

educational experience for those kids who watch this film.”

36. The Bank Robbers“So,” said the first bank robber, “Why are we robing

this bank instead of the other bank that doesn’t have the

alarm system installed?”

“Because, dummy,” said the second bank robber “-and

for the fifth time- this bank doesn’t have any video cameras

installed and wearing Ski-masks will attract attention.”

37. The Bank “So, sir,” said Bob, “what are you doing at the bank?”

“I’m getting this check cashed.”

Bob walked with the gentleman up to the front where he

cashed his check.

“And that kids is how it’s done.” Bob clicked a button

on the voice box.

“Ohhhh,” coursed the kids in the voice box.

“And, sir,” said Bob, “what are you doing here?”

“Why, are you taking a survey?” snapped bank robber

number one.

“Er, no, I was just, ah, wondering.”

The bank robber aimed the gun at the clerk and said,

“Push the alarm button and I’ll blow yer head off. Now

gimme all yer money.”

38. Conrad vs. ZoloftAs he sped down Smith street, a calm residential area,

Conrad heard a strange sound coming from a toupe-colored

house. It was the sound of hysterical laughing, but as

Conrad’s siren was quite blasting his eardrum away, it

sounded like a fantastic roaring.

“The Zoloft monster!” Conrad cried aloud, for it was

quite too loud for him to hear himself think. Quickly, he

slammed on the brakes and jumped out of his police car,

leaving it running. He ran to the front door and rang the

doorbell.

“On second thought, I may not want to meet this Zoloft

face to face,” mused Conrad. “I’ll sneak up on him, yes,

that’s what I’ll do.” Quickly Conrad dashed around to the back of the house, and ran smack-dab into a hobo!

“Hey don’t I know you?” Splinter asked. Conrad

ignored him and ran on. “Good thing he didn’t notice who I

was,” Splinter said to himself.

A space alien opened the front door. Her eyes opened

wide at the sight of the police car in her front lawn, withlights and siren running full blast. As she watched, several

more police cars pulled up.

9



“Cops!” she screamed. “The cops are here!”

Conrad had reached a window. He looked inside. A

horrifying sight met his eyes. The room was filled with

strange creatures! And among them, trying to blend in with

the animals and clowns and superheros and ghouls was the

Zoloft!

Meanwhile the space alien had returned to the room.“Cops!” she yelled at the strange creatures. “The cops

are here!”

Conrad broke into the room and arrested the Zoloft

monster. “You have the right to remain silent. Everything

you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an

attorney one will be provided for you.”

Then suddenly, Conrad remembered that the Zoloft

monster was just a dream!!!

“Heh, heh,” said Conrad. “Just kidding about that. Heh,

heh, pretty funny joke huh?” Conrad bolted out of the

room, forgetting to un-handcuff the Zoloft monster.

“Hey!” cried the Zoloft monster. “Let me go! Let mego!” The Zoloft monster’s frantic cries were heard by three

policemen who had just come in.

“What’s going on here?” asked the first policeman.“Which one of you arrested me?” cried the Zoloft

monster, quite outraged. “I won’t stand for this! I’ll have

you arrested!” The three police officers looked at each

other uncomfortably.

“Well it wasn’t me,” said the second policeman.

“Me either,” said the third.

“Or me,” said the first.

“One of you is lying,” snarled the Zoloft monster.

“Why don’t you join the party?” asked the space alien.

The three police officers smiled and nodded.“Yes, let’s,” they said, and joined the other strange

creatures in fruit punch. The Zoloft monster was still quite

angry, due to the fact that he was still in handcuffs, but the

Zoloft’s rage need not be discussed in this chapter.

39. DevelopmentGetting the film developed proved harder than it

seemed, as Bob was nearly run over by a car and chased for

three blocks away from the development room. When Bob

jogged back to his car, to find it gone, he went inside and

dropped off the film.

40. The New Car II“Okay, gimmie the Batmobile,” said Bob.

“Okay, gimmie the cash,” said the Salesperson.

But Bob did not have the cash.

“I’ll give you a check,” Bob snarled viciously.

“Fine,” snapped the Salesperson. He paused, then

asked, “Care for a game of marbles?”

“No,” said Bob angrily, because he really stunk at

marbles.

Bob drove off in his fancy Batmobile. “Let them try and

steal this one!” Bob cried with glee. Just then, he saw his

own Volkswagen spinning by. It crashed into a tree. “WA,

ha, ha, ha!” laughed Bob evily. “That’ll teach ‘em!” Bob

narrowly avoided getting into an accident himself, while

indulging in his mirth in thus said manner.

41. The Ruthfull Return of the Zoloft

Monster “Munch, munch, munch” said the Zoloft monster

“Munch, munch, munch,” said Ruth.

“Will you chew those peanuts with your mouth shut, please,” Bob hissed to Ruth who was next to him.

“Mff. Sowy,” she said with a mouthful of peanuts.

“Mmmm. Look at my mustache, Carl,” said Ruth to the

man next to him as she pulled her hair over her upper lip.

Carl turned and looked, but the hair had fallen.

“I don’t see nutin’,” said Carl.

The irony of the fact that Ruth was eating peanuts at this

time caused her to laugh out loud, spewing peanuts into

Bob’s lap.

“WA ha ha ha ha!” she laughed.

Someone in the crowd, encouraged by the laughter

called out, “Get ‘em Zoloft monster!”

The Zoloft Monster’s wife, Ruth, came in and spewed

water into Bob’s Laptop company.

Bob went home to change clothes.

42. Conrad Emerges, Undaunted, to

Continue Policing in an Undaunted

Manner Conrad slowly emerged into the police station. He was

undaunted by his little incident with the Zoloft monster.

After all, anyone could have made the same mistake.

“I am here to police!” Conrad announced to everyone

there, which at the time was nobody, as all the convicts had

escaped and all the police personnel were off chasing

Conrad and convicts. Conrad sauntered around for a few

minutes, policing, until he got tired and fell asleep.

43. Bob Goes to Work When Bob got dressed the next morning he wore his

favorite muscle showing shirt.

Bob went to work. He began the endless job of stapling papers. Bob stapled and stapled. Finally, because he was

sweating so bad, Bob decided to refresh his deodorant. Bob

reached for the stapler and held it up to his armpit.

Then Bob’s Boss, Gerlando, walked into the room.

“Bob, I wanted to talk to you about-”said Gerlando, then

he dropped his file on the floor and stared at Bob open

mouthed. “What are you doing?”

10





Bob drove the Batmobile into his garage. Since his

garage was not connected to the house, he had to go in

using his front door. Upon entering the front door, Bob met

three people in ski masks and reflective sun glasses.

“Awfully hot day to be wearing a ski mask, isn’t it?”

asked Bob.

“Where’s the film?” asked the first one. Bobimmediately recognized this as a code from one of the

movies he was doing.

“Ha, ha, that’s a good one, Bubba!” said Bob laughing.

The three masked men looked at each other. One of the

pulled out a gun.

“All right, give us the film or we blow off your head,”

said the first.

Bob tried to recall what to do in a situation like this,

according to the safety books he read he was supposed to

say “Hello, I’m from Jupiter” in Spanish, but Bob didn’t

know Spanish. He decided to fake it.

“Olage fumma dola,” said Bob.

“What’s wrong with this guy?” whispered the secondman.

“I think he’s having a seizure,” said the first.

“Let’s see if he falls down, then we can take his keysand look for the film inside,” said the third.

They waited. Bob stared at them realizing that he did

not say “I’m from Jupiter,” but probably “let’s look at each

other for a long time.” He tried again.

“Lago feminah torpedonadafoomy.” said Bob.

“This is a pretty weird seizure,” whispered the third

man.

“I agree,” whispered the second. They both looked at

the first who shrugged.

Seeing that the other two were looking at the first, probably for confirmation, Bob looked at the first too.

“What’re you lookin’ at, buddy?” snarled the first.

“Why, er... the UFO reflecting in your glasses of

course,” said Bob.

“Nice try, but I don’t wear glasses,” sneered the first.

“You’re wearing reflective sunglasses, dummy,”

whispered the second.

All three looked for the UFO.

Bob grabbed the gun, and fired all five shots into the

sky.

“Uh oh,” said the third, “this guy could be tricky.”

The first and second agreed.

“Listen, buddy, we don’t want any trouble, we just wantthe film.”

The code again, but stated differently this time, what

could it mean? Bob decided to guess on the code that was

supposed to follow.

“Yeah, the milk is spilled,” said Bob.

The three slowly looked at each other, finally the first

said, “At least I’m not crying about it,” with a sneer.

Bob got a bit excited, he must have broken the code!

“The clock has hay wired in it,” he said.

“Must mean it’s bombed,” whispered the first.

“Which one?” asked the third.

“I dunno, it’s your code!” said Bob

“Uh oh, did we start another time bomb and forget about

it again?” asked the second.The three men in ski masks and sunglasses jumped off

Bob’s porch and ran over to their car, parked on the side of

the road, got in, and drove away.

Five bullets fell at Bob’s feet. Wow, he thought to

himself, that gun shoots pretty far! Oh yeah, the gun!

What should I do with it? Bob threw it in the trash can.

47. They Wanted the Film“We need the film,” said the first man.

“How do we get it?” asked the second.

“We tried it by taking advantage of our numbers-” said

the third.

“Maybe we need to do a break in!” exclaimed the first.“Yeah, I know a guy called Keymaster-” said the

second.

“Keymaster?!! What kind of cheesy name is that?”

asked the third.

“Ya don’t judge a book by its cover,” said the second.

“What does that hafta’ do with all this?” asked the first.

“It’s figurative. You don’t judge a guy by his name

either,” proclaimed the second.

48. Keymaster When Bob got home the next day he found someone

messing with the lock on his front door.“Hey,” said Bob in a friendly manner.

“Howdy,” replied the man messing with Bob’s lock,

“It’s just a matter of finding the right tumbler,” he

mumbled.“What brings you to my house?” asked Bob.

“Y-Your house?” asked the man hastily hiding the

devices in the lock behind his back. “I, I thought this was

my house! Yeah, my house.”

“Oh,” said Bob, “Maybe it is your house, I’ll have to go

check my map. Be right back.”

“Right,” said the man resuming his work the moment

Bob turned his back.

Bob emerged back again and said to the man, “Yep, It’smy house after all. I’m afraid you’ll have to move al-” only

to find that the man had left, leaving the door open.

Guess he left , thought Bob and went in his living room

to listen to his relaxing Sailboat Journey CD.

Meanwhile upstairs the Keymaster, as everyone called

him because he carried so many keys, had gone upstairs and

began pulling all Bob’s books off his bookcase in hopes of

finding a safe. Eventually he reached a metal book.

12



“That’s odd,” said the Keymaster and tried to pull it out

only to be electrified and fall thump on the floor.

THUMP!

Bob worried that his boat had bumped into something,

but he didn’t hear any water coming in, so he assumed he

was okay.

Bob opened an E-mail on his computer, which read:

Here is the beaded jewelry you requested.

In the future when you log on, use the username

“Backbone Harry.” We give you this nickname

for the irony of it. When asked why you use this

nickname, you must reply “For the backbone of

it!” I mean, “For the irony of it!” If you do not

use this nickname, we will send you a virus which

will automatically self-destruct your hard drive.

Those who do not obey will pay. However, you

are getting the free beaded jewelry you requested,so be consoled by that. If you do not wish to

adhere to these terms, simply return the beaded

jewelry, and watch out for the hit man we will

have on your back. Uh, track.

Sincerely,

The Alka-Seltzer people

P.S. Should you experience heartburn or related

symptoms, take an Alka-Seltzer.

Harry looked down at the letter. Way down because hehad dropped it in the vent. “I wonder what it says,” he

mused.

Harry reached into the vent and pulled it out. “Let’s see

here....Um hmm.. Ah...backbone...Hmm...Well!” Harry

suddenly felt nervous. Electricity ran through his body.

“ARRGH! I’m being Electrocuted!” Harry screamed.

No you’re not, Harry, you always have electricity running

through your body. They had a research going on it that

started with cocoroaches-er, cockroaches.

“Yeah yeah.” Harry replied.

Harry looked at the computer with dread. User name:

with trembling fingers, Harry typed in “Smiling Harry.”

But he had his gun ready. Let them try it. Let them try todistrust his hard drive! That’s destruct, Harry, destruct. He

would get to it first!!!! He was wearing the beaded

necklace, which was very ugly. He felt well equipt. The

computer beeped.

The beep startled Harry and he blasted away the

computer monitor. “Oops,” Harry said to himself. He shutoff the computer and looked around.

A few days later a letter came in the mail. It had a disk

in it. “Gee, I think I’ll pop this unlabeled disk into my

computer,” said Harry. You don’t have a monitor, I

reminded him.

So Harry went out in a quest for a monitor. He bought a

nice Apple monitor and tried to hook it up to his computer.

His attempts, however, failed. This, Harry, is due to the fact

that you have an IBM computer. “Well, you could’ve said

so before I bought it.” Mumbled Harry angrille. “That’s a-n-g-r-i-l-y,” said Harry. Indeed he was right and I was

wrong, but I still had more points and I was winning.

Harry went out again to get a monitor, this time with the

proper monitor type written down. His car was broken

down so he had to walk.

Harry set up his new monitor. This did not do him much

good, however. “Hey my new monitor doesn’t work!”

Harry exclaimed, very frustrated. It would help to turn on

the computer, I reminded him. “Oh yes,” said Harry, “I

knew that.”

Harry turned on his new computer and picked up the

disk. He attempted to install it to his disk drive but it didn’t

fit. “Drat.” mumbled Harry, “It’s one of those older disks.”Harry bought it to the computer in his basement. “It’s a

good thing I didn’t give this away,” he thought to himself.

Harry put the disk in the computer and closed the drive. Hethen booted up the computer.

Harry watched as the computer started to smoke.

“Hmm.” said Harry and suddenly remembered the warning

about the virus, but it was too late. *POP* The Hard drive

made a popping sound and rendered itself useless.

Harry, undaunted, pulled out his gun. “This’ll show

em,” he muttered, and fired a round into the computer.

“Drat now I don’t have any bullets left,” he said. Yes, I

reminded Harry gently, But I do. “Oh, you do?” Harry

asked. “Can I have a few?” Sure, I said, and fired theminto his head. Little did Harry know I was the Alka-seltzer

man.

“Har, har, har,” laughed Bob after reading the file.

After the reading of this story, Keymaster woke up and

began pulling the rest of the books, except for the metal

one, off the shelf.

Silence. Thumpity Thumpity Thumpity Thumpity

Thump.

Were fishes hitting his boat , wondered Bob? Were tiny

fishes with horns ramming his boat? Calm down, Bob, Bob

told himself, It’s probably just part of the CD.Bob turned off the CD player and switched on his

computer. Time for a good long game of solitaire, mused

Bob to himself.

The Keymaster and found Bob’s safe and was applying

the blow torch to it like he had heard he was supposed to.

He lit the torch and blew the fire from the torch to the safe

where it seemed to vanish. A little trick he did again and

13



again, but which did not seem to hurt the safe. Finally he

touched the safe to see if it would crumble under his touch.

“YEEEEOWWWEOOOOWEEEOWWWEEE!”

“What was that?” asked Bob to his computer. Then he

remembered he had to type it in. “What was that?” Bob

typed in.

“Bad Command or File Name” the computer repliedthrough a friendly message on the screen.

“Which one? File name or Command?” typed Bob.

“Bad Command or File Name” the computer replied

faithfully.

Bob took a journey upstairs.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” asked Bob to the

Keymaster.

“I’m the pizza delivery man,” said the Keymaster

without missing a beat. “Here’s your pizza.. Hmm. It

seems you’ve eaten it already. You owe me ten bucks.”

Bob however wasn’t feeling very gullible. “In that case

you owe me a maid’s bill of twenty bucks to clean up this

mess you made.”“I didn’t make this mess. The Zoloft monster did.”

“Hmmm.” Bob said to himself. Bob stepped up to the

Keymaster and said, “hold on while I get my money.” Hethen went downstairs and dialed 911.

“Hello, is this an emergency?”

“Yes, someone has broken into my house.”

“Let’s see, oh it’s you. Is this real because if it’s not we

will be pressing criminal charges.”

“Yes.”

“Address please.”

“Um, it’s oh yeah. 1234 Smith Street.”

“We’ll be right over. Now, can you describe the man?”

“Yeah. He’s bald. He’s got a big set of keys, he hasn’tshaven for a few days, he has a handlebar mustache, he is

about 6 feet tall, and he has a deep voice. Except for all

that, he bears a striking resemblance to Elvis.”

The police arrived shortly and took the Keymaster away.

49. Bob’s New HobbyBob, finding himself bored, decided to become a hobo.

As everyone knows, all decent hobos walk the tracks,

occasionally jumping on trains and traveling to far and

dangerous lands. So Bob headed for the nearest railroad

track, which was right down the street from him. He had

not gone far when he spotted his old notebook, soaked with

rain, lying right smack dab in the middle of the tracks! Bobwas about to pick it up, but there was a train coming so he

jumped out of the way.

“Watch it there buddy!” yelled the engineer out the

window, but Bob of course could not hear him. After the

train had passed, Bob rescued his tattered notebook from

the ground.

“Brainstorming,” Bob read aloud, “A hobby.” Bob

paused to muse over this for a while. “Yes,” he mused,

“Brainstorming would make a great hobby.” Bob dropped

the literary notebook and went home to brainstorm.

50. The Hobo Discovers His Loss“Drat,” said Splinter. “I lost my literary notebook.”

This was quite a loss indeed. “Now how am I going to stop

the Mafia from taking over the world?” Splinter askedhimself. Splinter went back to his favorite place to walk,

which was of course the railroad tracks. Unfortunately for

the lonely hobo, he headed in the opposite direction of his

battered literary notebook.

51. Bob Begins Brainstorming“Ah,” said Bob, a faint smile teasing the corners of his

mouth, “I do believe that I will build a brainstorming

machine.” Bob went to his basement. Bob’s Basement ,

said the sign on the door. Bob had an embarrassing middle

name, but he would never tell anyone what it was. There

was only one place where the horrendous word was written

out, and that was the basement. It was written, in tiny

letters, on Bob’s birth certificate. The only thing Bob liked

about his middle name was that it began with an “O.” This

made his initials “B.O.B.” which was the same as his first

name but without all the periods.

Bob made a few calls and got hooked up with a clear,

plastic, and hollow brain. He then took his strobe light and

made it flash next to the brain. Finally, he poured water

into the brain and watched it trickle out of the small orifices

he had poked into the bottom with a screw driver. Bob

stared at the brain for hours before shutting the contraption

off.

“I’ll look at this later,” he said aloud to his cat.The cat, however, did not seem to be paying attention.

Rather, it was sitting there, or laying there rather with a tired

expression on its face, but I suppose you didn’t really need

this paragraph and wished you hadn’t read it because thereis little humor, if any, in it, but that oh noble reader is the

risk you take when reading this story.

52. Plan C“Okay, so that didn’t work either,” said the first man.

“Indeedy, indeedy,” said the second man who had been

listening to a music tape where a man continually said

indeedy indeedy and thought it was extremely cool.

“You’re right, as usual,” said the third lowering his brow.

“We need a plan C,” said the first, emphasizing C very

much.

The third raised an eyebrow.

“Indeedy, indeedy,” said the second.

“A plan C?” asked the third, “What about plan A andB?”

14



“Well, they are over and done with. Listen, here’s the

plan-” started the first.

“Indeedy indeedy,” said the second.

“Shut up with that,” growled the first.

“Sorry,” whimpered the second.

“Okay, here’s my plan. We fly over his house with a

helicopter and-”“Where are we gonna get a helicopter?” asked the

second, his voice edged with surprise.

The three discussed this in great detail.

“Three streets from here, take the first left go onto

highway 32, drive until you reach exit 16 get off and take

the third right when you pass the golf course turn on the

disintegrating beam, third lever and second switch, drive

through the wall at the dead end and get in the helicopter,”

said the first.

“Hmm. We could try that,” said the second.

“Sounds like it could get dangerous,” said the third.

“This looks like a job for, Darkwing Duck!” the second

looked around sheepishly as the other two stared at him,“Well, maybe not.”

53. Griffen Meets His Match“Hi there,” said Griffen to a friendly-looking lad. The

friendly-looking lad nodded curtly and went on his way.

“Hi there,” said Griffen to a big, ugly, mean-looking

truck driver. The big, ugly, mean-looking truck driver

smiled warmly.

“Hi,” said the truck driver, “How ya doin’?”

“Well,” said Griffen, “I’m jist fine, but ya know, I’ve

been on the lookout fur this hobo pal of mine named

Splinter, and I just can’t find him.”

“Splinter, eh? I’ll look out for him,” said the big, ugly,mean-looking truck driver, the warm smile still lingering

about his long gnarled whiskers. He turned around and

went on his way, and Griffen noticed the back of his shirt

said “His Match.”

“His Match!” Griffen cried out excitedly.“What?” asked the big, ugly, mean-looking truck driver,

turning around.

“Uh, nothing,” said Griffen, finding a maiden blush

bepainting his cheek.

“Hey how do you do that?” asked His Match.

“Do what?” asked Griffen, the blush becoming a deeper

and more vibrant shade of purple.

“Turn colors like that,” said His Match, and went on hisway.

54. The Hobo Meets His MatchSplinter was just walking along, just minding his own

business, when suddenly a big rig pulled up beside him.

Now it is not every day that a big rig pulls up beside you,

especially not if you are walking on the rail road tracks, so

this gave Splinter a sizable cause of alarm.

“Mamba mia!” cried Splinter, alarm pervading the calm

and peaceful atmosphere that once enveloped the scenery.

Suddenly His Match, the big rig driver, noticed an

unyielding train barreling in his direction!

“Mamba mia!” cried His Match, and with great force

cried out, “I’d best git offa thissie heah railroad track!”

Splinter was awed at His Match’s Huntin’ Joe voice. HisMatch busily cranked the steering wheel around, and in a

jiffy was off of the track. Splinter, however, was not so

lucky.

“Ahhhh!” cried Splinter, and jumped off the track,

spraining his ankle in the process. “Shucks-a-roney!”

muttered Splinter. (Pronounced shucks-uh-rô-nê) “I’m a

professional hobo, this kinda stuff ain’t supposed to happen

to me.” The train passed, and it was a very confused

looking conductor who stuck his head out the window to see

what was going on.

“I say, are you by any chance the great and famous

Splinter?” asked His Match.

“Oww ow ow ow,” said Splinter.“Oh I guess not,” said His Match, and with these final

words climbed into his big rig and drove off down the

railroad tracks.“Nice Huntin’ Joe voice!” called Splinter after the

disappearing truck, but alas, His Match could not hear him.

55. The Hobo Goeth to the Vet of

Aatrakas“I needeth thou to fixeth mine wounded ankle,” sayeth

the great and once famous Splinter.

“I carest for the pets, yea verily for the animals,”

replieth the vet of Aatrakas.“But verily doth mine ankle be damaged and no doctor

beith on site of mine eyes which seest things of great beauty

as well as things of splendor and also the things of

horridness and vileness and the things of-”“Hush, m’lad, tis enough to say less than thou hast said

already. But nay, I shall not treat thee unless thou tellest me

why I am the vet of Aatrakas.”

“Thou art the vet of Aatrakas because ‘tis thy title. Now

treateth me fair maiden if either thee dislike.”

“I beggest thine pardon?”

“I ‘twas taught too much Shakespeare in my day of

schooling.”

So the vet takest Splinters foot and angrily stapled clothto him much vexed that the great Splinter had out wited

him.

“Now goeth and exercise the affected joint,” sayest the

vet.

“Thou hast tried to trick me evil lad, for I knowest much

of thine evil ways. Now unstaple my foot and bandage me

correctly least I show you the meaning of mine name.”

15



Now the vet watchest the news and knew of the name

Splinter and was much afraid of Splinter’s wrath and he

bandaged Splinter properly and sent him on his way.

56. Bad News Belly Now in order to understand this chapter, you must

realize that His Match had what we shall call a “bad news belly.” This bad news belly was His Match’s biggest

weapon against evil foes.

“If I ever see that nasty hobo again,” said His Match,

“I’ll use my bad news belly on him.” His Match looked

around. A bleak, desolate landscape met his weary eyes.

“Now how am I going to get off these railroad tracks,” His

Match mused aloud.

“Well I reckon that I could start the engine and driveaway,” His Match answered himself. “After all, that’s what

this here key is for.” He, he took his suggestion, and drove

on down the tracks. Soon he came to a road.

“Now do I want to stick to the tracks or drive on the

road?” His Match asked himself. Seeing another traincoming, he decided to return to his native element, the road.

Besides, the railroad tracks were doing pretty bad things to

the bottom of his truck.

57. More BrainstormingBob switched on his brain and poured in the water.

“Water,” he said as he watched the brain, “the vital life

element. In fact, I bet there’s someone in need of water

right now. In fact I bet he’s dying of thirst. Strange that

they don’t have a term for dying of thirst like they do dying

of hunger which is starving, but I guess that’s just how it

is.”Bob refilled the water and continued watching until he

was interrupted by his cat.

“I’m hungry,” his cat said in the form of a “meow.”

“Oh does the pwetty widdle puddy tat want a shower?”asked Bob as he picked up his trusting cat and held it under

the water leaking out of his brain. The cat indicated that it

didn’t, giving Bob a long scratch over his left eye in the

process. Bob decided to let the cat go.

“Go hither, oh foolish cat, I knoweth when to bathe even

if thou dost not,” thundered Bob who went upstairs to take a

shower.

58. Return of the Bad News BellyConrad was waiting on a sideroad to see if anyone was

speeding or driving drunk so he could follow them if they

were. Then he saw someone swerving all over the road.

Before he could switch on his sirens, His Match, who was

driving all over the road, pulled over. Conrad pulled up

behind him.

“It’s a miracle, I can see!” said His Match as he put on

his glasses. “Oh no! It’s a cop!” he exclaimed with horror

as Conrad came into focus.

His Match got out of his car and bumped over Conrad

with his bad news belly.

Conrad fell to the ground much incensed by the

inexorable nature of his opponent who had just driven away.Conrad got into his car and began a vain pursuit of His

Match, not ever finding him, which is why it was a vain

pursuit.

59. The Helicopter “The disintegration ray isn’t working!” said the first

man.

“Quick use the brake!” said the second man.They braked right in front of the wall. Then suddenly,

the disintegration beam turned on, blasting a huge hole in

the wall.

The first and second men drove away, leaving the third

inside the helicopter. He flew the helicopter to Bob’shouse, where he ran out of fuel and landed in Bob’s front

yard. Then he fled the helicopter, which was probably a

wise move.

60. News Flash“In later news today, a military helicopter was stolen by

a man named Bob Baloney,” said the news person, “He

goes on trial today.”

“Also later today, someone identified only as wearing a

shirt entitled ‘His Match’ used his belly to overcome a

police officer and escape,” said a second newscaster.

“Well,” said His Match as he watched the TV in histruck, “Guess al hafta change mah name. Per’aps ta Jim.

Yes siree, Jim sounds like a right dandy name. Jim Match.”

61. The Game“You are dead,” the voice announced.

“No I’m not,” replied Joe Blow angrily, “I’m right here

aren’t I?”

“Try again?” asked the voice.

“But ahm nut dead, durnit!” said Joe Blow to the

computer.

Joe moved his mouse pointer so that it loomed over the

word quit. “Ha ha. Now yer a getin’ scart, ain’tcha,” said

Joe Blow.Suddenly a gnarled hand reached out of the monitor and

grabbed Joe blow by the collar. It pulled him into the game.

Sally walked into the room.

“How darling,” said Sally, “a picture of my dear ol’

hubby is on this game. Joe’s not around, maybe I’ll give it a

little play.”“Help me, help me,” called Joe Blow as he found his

diversified appendages were being moved by the keyboard.

16



Joe awoke with a start and deleted Attack of the Zoloft

Monster from his hard disk.

62. Bob and the TruthBob looked around the now familiar jail cell. He sighed

despairingly.

“Heh, heh,” cackled Conrad in his most evil Ebenizer Scrooge voice. “Now you’re in for it, aren’t you, you old

coot you.”

“I ain’t done nuttin,” said Bob.

“Oh, of course,” said Conrad sarcastically. “You just

have no alibi, no witnesses, plus a history in this cell-” he

gestured “-and the stolen helicopter just shows up in your

front yard, but you of course did not steal it.”

Bob nodded. “That’s right,” he said.“Well,” Conrad snarled, “see if the jury will believe

that.”

“Juries always believe the truth,” Bob said confidently.

“Juries can’t always tell what’s the truth,” said Conrad,

“but I think they’ll see through this one.”

63. Jim Match Helps OutSplinter hobbled along, deeply longing for his lost

literary notebook. He was met by His Match, who was now

Jim Match.

“It’s that nasty hobo,” said Jim Match under his breath.

“What a big, ugly, mean-looking truck driver,” said

Splinter under his breath. “Perhaps he’s seen my literary

notebook.”

“G’day, mate,” said Jim Match cheerily, “What brings a

fine chap like you to this barren land?”

Splinter sighed deeply. “Ah,” he said, “I feel a deeplonging in my heart...”

“Deep longing, eh?” said Jim Match in an understanding

manner. “Aye, the lass got ya down again?”

“Oh, no, nothing like that,” Splinter said quickly. “It’s just my literary notebook, bless its worn and dirtied pages...

It’s been lost, somewhere about the last time I was last

arrested, and I feel that a piece of myself has been lost with

it. I’m torn inside, I’m awash with deep emotions, and my

literary notebook, it’s... gone!” Splinter burst into a

passionate flood of tears. Jim Match had been planning to

use his bad news belly on this unfortunate hobo, but at this

show of emotion, he knew the lad was too tender to take

such vile punishment as that.“There, there, m’lad,” said Jim Match affectionately.

“No need to be crying about such a silly thing as that...”

“What?” screamed Splinter in a fit of rage. “Silly thing

as that? Why I’ll show you - where’s my old board?”

Splinter suddenly remembered that he had left it at jail.

“Nothing ever goes my way!” he moaned, and began

sobbing again. Jim Match was getting a bit fed up with this,

and decided it was about time to use his bad news belly. He

left Splinter, stunned and dazed, to partake of his cup of

sorrows alone.

64. Cell Walls and GatesBob looked around the vast — or perhaps not so vast as

it was rather small — jail cell and let out a moan — no, it

was a sigh really. He circled the premises — well, he waswalking in a square — and found he bumped into the wall

— well, it was the cell gate rather.

Bob continued walking in squares until he bumped into

the cell gate again.

“Drat,” mumbled Bob, “I need some navigational

instruments.”

“You probably do,” said Blister.

“Hi, I’m Bob,” said Bob to his cellmate whom hesuddenly noticed and never got to bump into.

“I’m Blister,” replied the cellmate coolly.

65. The TrialBob nervously cleared his throat.

“State your name,” said the man.

“Bob Boloney,” said Bob.

“Do you swear to mostly tell the truth the whole truth

and nothing but the truth so help you God?”

“Well, no...”

“That one usually works,” mumbled the man.

“Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and

nothing but the truth so help you God?”

“Sure.”

“A yes will do just fine,” snapped the judge.

“Yes them,” said Bob, “er, then, I mean.”

“So tell us, in your own words what happened,” saidBob’s lawyer.

“Well, I was sitting in my basement watching my brain

when all the sudden these police came and arrested me. It

seemed someone put a helicopter in my yard.”“You were watching your brain?” asked the lawyer as he

raised an eyebrow quizzically.

“Well, I created a brainstorm to watch, I got a plastic

brain and poked some holes in it and filled it with water and

got a flashing strobe light.”

“Ahhh,” said the jury.

“Ahhh,” said Bob’s lawyer.

“Ahhh,” said the distrust attorney whom Bob very much

distrusted.

66. The Jury Decides“What do you think?” asked the first juror.

“I think he’s innocent,” said the second, “he’s got those

innocent eyes.”

“And I’ll bet he’s got a good heart,” said the third.“And a nice nose,” said the fourth not quite

understanding.

17



“So he goes free,” said the first.

And thus was Bob freed.

67. Jim Match Learns About FlashlightsJim Match glanced suspiciously at the tattered notebook

sitting on the seat beside him. He took the notebook into

McDonalds, where he had stopped to eat.

“I’d like a big mac and a large soda,” Jim Match snarled

to the employee, “and make that double quick.” Jim Match

sure could look big and mean and ugly when he wanted to.

His sandwich and soda came mightie quick indeed.Jim Match sat down by himself to study the notebook.

He studied the first page.

Brainstorming

A hobbyHarmonicaPickle jar

That didn’t seem to make much sense, but then thesecode things never did. While casually dipping his big mac

in his soda, Jim Match flipped the page.Anala Uhkiremuh EgroweegAtnalta Acirema Aigroeg shall be my name andI shall publish the poem written by the hobothat invaded my house.Publish = distributePoem = bombHobo named Bob who is really a Mafia leader isbuilding a bomb to distribute...House = “The White House”

Ah, this was simpler. Jim Match thought of his recent

experience with the tearful hobo who was missing a literarynotebook. This, thought Jim Match with trembling fingers,

must be the very same literary notebook! The hobo must be

Bob, and he must be the Mafia leader who is building a

bomb. Jim Match smiled grimly at the recollection of the

most recent use of his bad news belly. Yes, Jim Match may

be wanted by the police, but he would be a crime fighter

nonetheless. The meat from the half eaten big mac slowly

slid from the secure position between the two hardened

pieces of bread and into Jim Match’s soda. Jim Match,

however, was too engrossed in the literary notebook to

notice. He slowly bit into the bread, not noticing that he

was biting his fingers as well.

“Owww!” cried Jim Match in pain. The other customersturned to look at him. “Uhh..” said Jim Match, “looks like

it’s time for me to go.” He stuffed the remainder of hissandwich in his soda, gulping it down on his way out the

door, and stuffing the literary notebook under his “His

Match” shirt, he hurried to his truck.

68. The Cliff

Joe Blow looked down the cliff, it seemed very far. But

maybe it wasn’t.

“Jump and see,” said someone who suddenly appeared

behind him.

Joe turned around to see who it was that spoke and saw

that it was a short man with a veil on his face and gnarled

hands.“Who are you?” asked Joe

“I am the one that seeks to harm you,” said the man as

he let out an evil laugh.

Joe Blow grabbed the man and threw him off the cliff.

The man landed about ten feet lower, suspended in the air.

“I was right,” mused Joe, “It isn’t far down.”

Joe jumped after the man intending to finish him off, or

finish interrogating him at least, but he found he fell right

down. Down and down, past the man and heading for the

ground.

“Help me,” called Joe

“Do my bidding and I will help you,” said the man who

was now falling next to Joe.“W-What is your bidding?” asked Joe.

“Find me Bob’s cat and bring it to me.”

“Bob Babblefoot?”“No, Bob Boloney.”

“I will do it.”

And Joe woke up.

69. Smuggles Has a Dream“Mrowww!” cried Smuggles in his sleep.

“You evil Joe person you!” cried Bob in his sleep.

Smuggles woke up.

“Whew, what a nightmare,” said Smuggles in the form

of delicately placing his claws into Bob’s stomach. Bobferociously slapped Smuggles aside.

“I’ll teach you to mess with my cat,” Bob snarled to his

nightmarely vision. Despite Bob’s kind intention, Smuggles

was not very fond of being slapped aside by lowly humans,

and sleeping ones at that. Smuggles vent his anger bycasually clawing his still sleeping master. Bob woke up.

“Boy what a dream,” said Bob. “It seemed so real, I

could almost feel Joe Blow’s fingernails digging into my

skin...” Then he noticed that he was bleeding. “Hey it was

real!” Bob cried in surprise.

70. Smuggles Has an AdventureThe three masked men and Joe Blow arrived at the

house at the same time.

“What are you doing here? Are you here to arrest us?”

snarled the first masked man.

“I’m here to kidnap the cat,” replied Joe Blow matter of

factly as he walked past the stunned men and kicked the

door open.

Joe walked inside and got the cat.

18



“Hey what are you doing?” asked Bob who, taking heed

of his dream, took a day off work.

“Er, I’m taking your cat to the vet.”

“Sure ya is,” Bob snarled in a ferocious manner.

Joe decided that the cat was clawing him too much for

comfort and he wanted to do this comfortably.

The three men came in and grabbed Bob Baloney from behind. They then tied him up with some rope they had

prepared.

Joe Blow found the kitty carrier, stuffed the angry cat in

it and picked it up and proceeded to drive home.

The three masked men started searching the house. The

searched for hours and hours, not noticing the film on Bob’s

computer table. Finally they decided to blindfold Bob and

take him to their secret hideout.

71. The Next DreamWhen Joe got home he was so exhausted he fell asleep

in his bed with the kitty carrier on the floor next to the bed.

The man with the gnarled hands was waiting for him.“Where’s the cat?” he asked.

“Err,” said Joe looking around not seeing it and then he

remembered, “It’s next to my bed.”

“Well go get it,” said the man.

“But-” protested Joe.

“GO!” thundered the short man with amazing vocal

capabilities.

Joe walked for hours until he reached his bed. The kitty

carrier was not there. He walked back a few more hours

until he found the man.

“Well,” asked the man.

“Well...” began Joe.

“Come,” said the man, and lead Joe to a cliff. Joe Blowlooked down the cliff, it seemed very far. But maybe it

wasn’t.

“Jump and see,” said a voice.

“No!” cried out Joe with great energy. The man pushed

Joe off the cliff.“That’ll teach you,” he snarled, gazing at Joe’s fleeing

figure.

“But I got the cat, I got him!” Joe cried. The ground

was rushing in closer and closer. Faster and faster fell Joe,

when suddenly -

BOOM!

“Whew,” gasped Joe, looking around him, “Good thing

I landed on this bed.”“Let me out of here!” yelled Smuggles in the form of

“meow.”

72. Sally Blow Returns From Alaska“Joe, are you okay?” asked Sally as she opened the door

to the room and looked at his white face, “you look pale.”

“Just fine,” said Joe and mumbled, “Ahn a good thang I

landed on thissie heah bed,” in his Huntin’ Joe voice.

“What’s this cat doing here?” asked Sally.

“Oh just visiting,” said Joe Blow. “How was Alaska?”

“Oh, it was great, especially the primitive camping.

You should have been there, Joe,” Sally hinted.

“Primitive camping, eh?” asked Joe.

“Oh yes. The best part was when I got lost. I’m going

to write a story about it,” Sally exclaimed excitedly.“You got lost?” Joe questioned.

“Yes, and all I had with me was - let me think here - half

of a sandwich and a can of soda, my pocketknife, an old yo-

yo, a plastic garbage bag, and Boy’s Life magazine,” Sally

recalled. “And, of course, my trusty dog.”

“Your trusty dog?”

“Yes, didn’t you get my postcard? I bought a dog at a

pet store in Alaska.” As if on cue, a huge dog bounded in

the room and onto Joe’s bed, licking his face happily.

“Ralph!” Sally scolded. “Be gentle with Joe!”

Suddenly Ralph noticed the cat. “What’s that cat doing

here?” Ralph barked. Joe looked at the terrorized cat with

mild alarm.“I’d better return this cat,” said Ralph, in Joe’s voice.

“Yes, you’d better,” said Sally as she left the room with

her dog, leaving Joe a bit stunned.

73. 911 Again“Hello, is this an emergency?”

“Um, I’m not sure.”

“Well you’d better find out pretty soon, buster.” The

voice on the other line did not sound at all friendly.

“Let’s see, why did I call... Oh yes I remember it was

because I swallowed a fly but that didn’t really happen you

see because Marz didn’t like that part of the story and

deleted it.”“Name please-”

“Joe Blow.”

“Address-”

“407 Phathead Street.”

“We’ll be right over.”

74. Three Masked Men are Unmasked“Who are you?” Bob questioned threateningly as the

three masked men pulled off his gag.

“We are Unmasked,” replied the first man.

“Unmasked?” asked the second.

“Yes,” the first answered.“Remember, that was the name of our favorite music

group,” the third reminded the second, “so we decided it

would be our name too.”

“Oh yes,” said the second.

The three masked men did not pull off their masks,

however, much to Bob’s disappointment.

75. The Call That Was Close

19



Joe hung up the phone.

“Whew, that was close,” he gasped. Then he

remembered the cat. “I’d better get this back to Bob,” he

mumbled as he picked up the kitty carrier. It swung

violently as Smuggles tried to unhook the latch. Cats

however are not that good at unhooking latches, much

unlike their friends the monkeys. Thus was Smugglesunsuccessful. Joe tossed the kitty carrier in the car and

drove off.

76. Ding DongThus was the sound that summoned Sally and Ralph to

the door.

“It’s the police,” snarled the cop on the other side of the

door.“It’s Sally Blow,” said Sally in response, as she opened

the door.

“Where’s Joe Blow?” asked the cop.

“He left to return a cat.”

“Well, when he gets back tell him not to make anymorefake calls to the police department.”

With that the cop gave a sigh and waddled back into his

car and drove away.

77. Ding Dong Once Again“Anybody home?” asked Joe Blow. He waited about an

hour and rang the doorbell again.

“Now anybody home?” Still no answer. “Well I reckon

he’ll be home soon, I’ll just leave the cat on the doorstep.”

This being done, Joe Blow returned home. Ralph was

waiting for him.

“Bow wow!” said Ralph.“Sally!” Joe exclaimed in surprise. “I didn’t know our

dog could talk!”

“Yes, well, he’s rather talented,” replied Sally modestly.

78. Eth Oboh“Old Mac Donarld had a slarm,” hollered Splinter.

“E-ah-eah-choo!” sneezed Blister who was enjoying a

recent jail break.

“Oh are you singing along?” asked Splinter.

“No, I just had to, well, sneeze,” said Blister.

79. The Bad New Belly of JusticeJim Match looked around. There was a cat in a kitty

carrier on the front porch. He rang the doorbell. Now Jim

had heard that the Mafia gives quick service, so Jim held his

breath expecting a quick answer from a Mafia man, butsoon found that he was gasping for breath and quite angry

that he had to gasp for breath. He was so angry in fact that

he burst the door open with his bad news belly.

Jim searched the house for clues as to this Mafia

person’s whereabouts. He found the signs of a struggle.

Jim looked outside on the cement road. There were no tire

imprints, and he decided there couldn’t have been a car

driving on the road then. Catching on to the scent using one

of Bob’s dirty sweat socks with his nose-o-matic, the

electronic nose from Yzeech, Jim Match followed out to

where a car must have been and got in his truck and

followed the scent.He soon reached a barn and found Bob Boloney tied up

in it.

“Are you Bob, the Mafia man?” he asked.

“No, I’m Bob Boloney, the Actor.”

“Hey, yeah, you are. I’ve seen your show, The Many

Adventures of Bob, and I think it’s great, well, gotta go find

a Mafia man.”

“Wait can’t you untie me first? I’ve been kidnapped.”

“Why shore.”

Then the three masked men burst into the room.

“Have you fellahs seen anyone been kidnapped

hereabouts?” asked Jim.

“Err...” said the first.“Er,” said the second.

“Yeah, they just left,” said the third thinking himself

very clever.“Then why did those two say ‘Er’?” asked Jim

menacingly as he waved an arm at the first two.

“Er,” said the first.

Jim Match was glad to employ his Bad News Belly of

Justice to set things right. He then untied Bob Baloney and

sent him on his way.

80. The Hobo Meets His Old Friend, the

Baloney ManSplinter and Blister were walking along the tracks,

having a grand old time singing “Old Mac Donarld had a

slarm,” when suddenly who did they meet but Bob Baloney,

who was on his way home but was lost.“Hey don’t I know you,” Bob Baloney frowned

menacingly.

“Why,” said Splinter as the pleasure of recognition

slowly slid across his weathered and wrinkled face, “I

believe you do!”

Just then but who should jump into the picture but our

favorite superhero (besides Super Marz, of course), Obne

Boy!

“I’m Obne Boy,” said Obne Boy.“Hey can I have your autograph?” asked Bob. “You’re

my favorite superhero! Well, besides Super Marz, of

course.”

“I’m Obne Boy,” said Obne Boy, and took Bob’s paper

and pen and wrote “I’m Obne Boy” on it.

“Wow, thanks!” cried Bob excitedly. “I’d invite you all

over to dinner, but I seem to have lost my way.”

20



“Follow me,” said Splinter, and the four jumped onto a

train that (as often happens in the movies and storybooks)

was just happening to be rolling by.

81. Obne Boy Comes to Lunch“Here is lunch,” said Splinter.

Obne Boy came to it.

82. Obne Boy Eats LunchMmm. That was good, thought Obne Boy after eating

lunch. He expressed this by saying, “I’m Obne Boy.”

“That was my bindle!” cried Splinter.“What’s a bindle?” asked Bob.

“It’s a hobo’s bundle,” said Splinter.

“What was your bindle?” asked Bob.

“That!” cried Splinter in a horrified voice, pointing to

the remains of Obne Boy’s lunch.

“What’s going on here?” questioned Conrad

threateningly, who had just snuck up from behind the

foursome.

“It appears that the bindle has been eaten,” said Blister

in a professional manner, coming once again to the rescue

of his dearly beloved friend.

“My bindle, my bindle,” moaned Splinter softly.

“I’m Obne Boy,” said Obne Boy dramatically.

“Look!” cried Conrad. “It’s Obne Boy! Say, can I have

your autograph? You’re my favorite superhero! Besides

Super Marz, of course.”

“My bindle, my bindle,” Splinter still moaned, anon.

“Don’t worry,” said Blister consolingly to Splinter, “I’ll

share my bindle with you!”

So they all lived happily ever after. Except, of course,for -

83. TazgrawatiTazgrawati, whom everyone called Taz for short, looked

at a picture of a Tasmanian devil cartoon character framed

on his wall, whom everyone called Taz for short. He then

looked outside his window. He saw a barn throughout the

vegetation of the forest.

Taz looked at Taz. “Fine day isn’t it?” asked Taz.

This caused Taz to jump out of his skin. “A talking

picture?” he wondered aloud, “perhaps I am going mad!”

He then watched outside as three men were repelled

from the barn and knocked unconscious with a bad news belly.

“Yes, I am going mad,” he decided aloud and went for a

rest.

84. Mr. Match and the Many Mafia MenJim jumped onto the train.

“So, you’re all conspirorating together,” said Jim

effectively making up the word.

“And a police officer too, what a scam,” he added.

Bob Baloney smiled a disarming smile and Jim’s bad

news belly fell to the ground, disarming him. Also, it took

him with it.

“Oof!” declared Jim Match.

“Now wait a moment, this guy is the Mafia man,” said

Splinter pointing at Bob Baloney.“No, I’m not, he is,” said Bob pointing at Blister.

“What!!?” asked Blister horrified, then catching on said,

“He is,” as he pointed to Obne Boy.

Obne Boy groaned and pointed to Jim Match. “I’m

Obne Boy,” he said.

“I think he means,” began Splinter.

“That you are the Mafia man,” finished Blister.

Jim Match got up and said, “Well I don’t think so or

else I’d know it, now wouldn’t I!?”

Suddenly Splinter had an idea. “All right, I admit it.

The vet of Aatrakas is the Mafia man. How did you find

out about it anyway?”

“Your notebook,” said Jim Match, “now lead me to thevet.”

85. The Vet of Aatrakas Gets A PleasantSurprise

“A pleasant surprise awaits you,” the fortune cookie had

said.

“I can hardly waiteth,” sayeth the vet of Aatrakas.

Then the door flewth open and off its ignoble hinges.

Jim Match stormth into the room of the vet of Aatrakas of

Illinois of the United States of America of Earth of the

Milky Way of-

“I’ve waited a long time to get to you, but fortunatelythe train stopped at the right spot. You’re under a citizen’s

arrest,” emmitith Jim Match.

“Thou dost not speakest the language as I do for ‘tis not

to say that thou art noble,” sayeth the vet.“Perchance of perchanceness I shouldst arrest this fine

fellow of Aatrakas,” speakest forth Conrad before he

rememberest a warrant wouldst be necessary, “Er,

perchance I’d best be off,” he said lackadaisically slipping

out of the door to get a warrant.

86. The Warrant“I need a warrant,” said Conrad. “To arrest the leader of

the Mafia.”“The leader of the Mafia, eh?” questioned George Khan,

chief of police.

“Mafia leader, eh?” asked Police Officer Jake.

“Do you have a witness who will vouch to this?” asked

the judge of Aatrakas.

“Yes,” said Conrad.“Go get him,” said the judge of Aatrakas.

21



87. To Get a Warrant“I need you to testify,” said Joe Conrad to Splinter.

“I, er, I’m-” started Splinter.

“Hey, didn’t you escape from jail? You’re under

arrest,” he said as he slipped a handcuff over his wrist and

over Splinter’s, he failed to notice that a beaver had gnawed

the chain away while he wasn’t looking.Splinter casually walked out of the door while Conrad

looked the other way.

“Anyone else escape from jail?” he asked.

“I served my time,” said Bob Baloney.

“Me too,” said Blister.

“So did I,” said Jim not wanting to be left out.

“That Splinter fellow got away,” said the vet of

Aatrakas.Conrad rushed out into the street and grabbed Splinter

from behind. He then hoisted him over his shoulder and

carried him all the way back to the station.

88. Testifying“I was just kidding!” proclaimed Splinter.

“That’s giving false information to a police officer,

buddy, you’ll get jailed for that,” said Police Officer Jake.

“Than I wasn’t kidding,” proclaimed Splinter a bit

louder than necessary.

“Well, you’ll still get jailed for breaking out of jail,”

said Conrad.

“Then I was kidding,” said Splinter.

“You’ll get jailed for longer then.”

“All right, I’m telling the truth all along,” said Splinter

“Good, now about that warrant judge.”

“Here you go,” said the judge signing a warrant.

89. The Arrest“How sweet is a frost on the most untimely flower of the

field. How untimely is the frost on the sweetest flower of

the field. How flowery is the field on the untimely frost.”

“No, no, you’re supposed to say the Miranda warning,

dummy,” said Bob to Conrad.

“Oh, sorry,” said Conrad, “It’s just I’ve always wanted

to quote some Shakespeare upon arrest.”

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say

can and will be used against you in the court of law. You

have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an

attorney one will be provided for you. You have the right toa color television, the right to pursue happiness in jail and

the right to eat mashed potatoes with gravy,” said Conrad.

You see, in Illinois, the Miranda warning is a bit different.

90. Tazgrawati, the Mafia ManTazgrawati, who was called Taz for short, looked at the

three Mafia men who were sprawled on the ground in his

back yard.

“Why don’t these guys get it together,” grumbled Taz.

So he went out to the barn himself and got them together.

“Hey,” said the first Unmasked, “how come I’m all tied

up?”

“And of all people to be tied to,” said the second

Unmasked, “it had to be you.” The third Unmasked was

still snoozin.“That’ll show ‘em,” said Taz, the Mafia Man. “I still

think that we should have a better hideout then this old barn,

though.”

91. Were You Expecting That?Maybe you were expecting that. I wasn’t, but you may

have been. That’s why Chapter 90 is the pretend chapter.

We can’t have you knowing what’s going on in the storynow can we. Ha, I sure fooled you I did.

92. The Real 90Tazgrawati looked around the abandoned shed. It

wasn’t truly abandoned, actually, for there were three

unconscious men in it.

“Well, fellahs, it seems a great crime has been

committed to you guys,” said Tazgrawati.

“Er, yeah,” said the first who had woken up, “but don’t

call the cops or nuttin’.”

“Ah, don’t be modest,” said Tazgrawati reaching for a

phone.

“No, no, you see he was a fiend of ours,” said the first,

“and we don’t want him jailed or nuttin’.”

“A fiend?”

“I mean a friend.”

“Well then, I’ll just leave you fellas here,” saidTazgrawati as he left.

93. The Trial of Aatrakas“How doth thou plead,” quoteth the judge.

“I spittith upon thine shoes,” sayeth the vet of who trieth

to spitith on his shoesth, but could noth asth theth judgeth

was in a highth boxth. After three or four attempteths he

replieth, “Not guilty, but cometh out of thine stand and I

mayst change mine mind.”

“Rather, I shall not, for thou seest, I am much afeard of

the expectoration that proceedeth out of thine mouth.

Instead I shalt hold thee for contempt.”

94. The Trial of all Trials“Call yer foist woitness, Mr. Locke,” said the Judge to

the prosecuting attorney.They called Splinter to the stand and Splinter nervously

admitted that the vet was the Mafia man. He also

acknowledged that he had read a notice by him from jail.

“Call your first witness, Mr. Fatlock,” said the Judge.

22



“We call Stuart Finalodamepasalodemoalongfellow to

the stand.”

Mr. Fatlock, the criminal lawyer, pointed out that

Stuart, the vet, had never been in jail.

He then proceeded to point out that there was no

evidence, other than a note which did not match Stuart’s

hardwiring, and asked Splinter what led him to believe thatStuart was a Mafia man.

“Well, it was his eyes, really. They looked like Mafia

man eyes.”

When the case was closed Stuart went free and Splinter

was placed back into jail.

95. Bob Gets a New PartThe Film Maker, as they called him, who had made the

Zoloft series, which was a hit seller, was looking for a new

movie to do on the side.

“What movie can I do on the side,” said the Film Maker,

casting suspicious glances to all in the room around him.

“Uh, oh, Fred,” said Chris, who played a plethora of badguy parts, “He’s on to us!”

“That’s it,” said the Film Maker aloud, “Zondus!”

“And I think I should make Bob Baloney the main

character, Zondus. I can do him like the Tidy Golfin’

Powerful Strangers!” The Film Maker hesitated. “No,

maybe I won’t.”

And he didn’t.

96. Abbub...worked at a nice little cafe called Coblin’s Cafe. At first

people were very terrified by it thinking it was a Goblin’s

Cafe and nobody went. Until one day some people gotcurious and went and soon everyone was coming.

Abbub served a lot of sandwiches. Mainly he served the

BLT, which stood for Bacon Lettuce and Tomatoes.

One day, Abbub invented the BLC, which stood for Bacon Lettuce and Cauliflower. This was not a great

success. So, undaunted, Abbub created the BLD, which

stood for Bacon Lettuce and Dynamite. Now this was a

blast of a success, if you get my drift, which landed Abbub

in jail for attempted manslaughter. He was in the same

holding cell as Splinter.

97. Jim Match Has a BLD

Jim Match walked into Coblin’s Cafe.“What’s the special,” he asked Tano, Coblin’s Cafe’s

new owner.

“Well, the last guy who ran this place served BLD’s, but

I can’t figure out what that stands for,” said Tano.

“BLD?” asked Jim Match. “Probably ‘Biscuit,

Lemonade, and Doughnuts.’”

“Hmmm,” said Tano. “That could be right. Hey

Jonah,” he called to his only waiter, “Give this guy BLD.

That’ll be three bucks,” he said to Jim.

Jonah brought Jim Match a Balogna, Lime, and a Dead

mouse sandwich. Jim took a bite.

“Yuck!” he said as he left, not bothering to pay his bill.

98. Abbub Plans an Escape“How can I get out of here?” mused Abbub aloud.

“Pay bail,” replied Splinter casually.

“Where did you come from?” asked Abbub aloud.

“The train tracks. ‘Tis where I was born, on a train, ah,

but that is of no matter. I am Splinter, who art thou?” asked

Splinter left with much flowery talk from the Aatrakas

series.“Well, there’s got to be a better way,” said Abbub aloud.

“It ain’t worth it, pal,” said Splinter casually pulling a

leech off his arm. This was harder than he expected and he

began pulling it out a little less casually.

“Lemme’ help ya thar,” said Abbub aloud as he pulledthe leech out of Splinter’s arm forcing Splinter to wince in

pain.

“Hey, yer a blasted Hobo,” said Abbub silently.

“Listen, bud,” said Abbub aloud, “We’s is gonna break

outta dis joint, sees?”

“With my eyes which seest things of great beauty as well

as things of splendor and also the things of horridness and

vileness sees, they shore do, yesire, bub, I declar they does,”

replied Splinter changing accents in the middle of his

sentence.

“Er...” said Abbub, much questioned as to the sanity

level of his companion.

“It’s all right,” said Splinter realizing what Abbub wasthinking, “Why I’m as sane as a rabid pit bull.” He laughed

at his joke, thinking it was rather good. Abbub, however,

didn’t laugh.

“Maybe I’ll just get out by myself,” he mused aloud.

“Get out where?” asked Conrad.“Out of here of course,” said Abbub thinking it was

Splinter asking, for their voices sounded much alike with

the exception that Splinter’s was raspy and harsh and

Conrad was practicing singing opera when he talked, but

nay, Abbub did not notice these small details.

“Oh, your getting a lawyer?” sang Conrad.

“No, I thought I made it very clear that I was breaking

out, and I’m not taking you with me,” Abbub frowned as hestared at the wall.

“I shouldn’t think you’d have any sense in your he-e-e-

ead if you diiiiid,” sang Conrad. Conrad then cleared his

throat and said in a normal voice, “We’ll have to move you

to another cell.”

99. Abbub Sends a Message

23



From his new jail cell, Abbub sent coded messages to

“that blasted hobo.”

“Hey you,” said Abbub to Conrad.

“What issssiii-i-i-sss it?” sang Conrad. “La la la! La,

la.”

“Give this to that blasted hobo in the other cell,” said

Abbub, passing Conrad a folded piece of paper.“Knock of the singing, will ya, Joe?” called George

Khan, Chief of Police.

“As you wish, O great and mighty George,” sang

Conrad, working on his upper tenor range. “Khan, Chief of

Police,” he added, now practicing his lower base. George

Khan, Chief of Police, sent in Police Officer Jake to take

care of him.

“Joe,” said Police Officer Jake in a very professional

manner, “you must stop this cursed singing.”

“Very well,” said Conrad in a hurt but not singing voice,

“I will sing for you no longer. You will soon regret it, when

I become rich and famous, for I will be sure to tell the

reporters who were the ones who tried to discourage me.But Conrad knows better then to listen to them! Yes, the

world will know!” Conrad, practicing his Broadway

dancing, skipped off into the other room.“Here you are, you blasted hobo!” sang Conrad to

Splinter, giving him the message. Greedily, Splinter ripped

open the message, a thin line of drool dribbling down his

chin. Then he noticed it was in code. Splinter could not

read the code. He wiped the drool from his beard and spat

in the direction of Abbub.

“Ye olde erstwhile tavern proprietor,” hissed Splinter in

rage, “How darest thou writeth thus?” Abbub, sensing

Splinter’s scorn, rudely stuck his tongue in the unfortunate

hobo’s direction. Splinter secretly vowed revenge, but itwas not a very strong vow, and in the matter of ten minutes,

he had forgotten all about it.

100. Tano Eats a Hedgehog“Well, Jonah,” said Tano, “It’s time to change the menu.

Me and you has got to come to an agreement here.”

“Oh, go eat a hedgehog!” Jonah snarled.

“Hedgehog?” questioned Tano. “That’s very

interesting, Jonah, I’ll add it to the menu.”

Hedgehog , wrote Tano on the dry-erase board that

served as the menu.

Customer X walked in.

“Hi, my name’s Sarah,” said customer X.“It’s customer X,” said Jonah under his breath.

“Hush, Jonah,” said Tano to Jonah under his breath.

“It’s a bad omen, when customer X walks in just after

you eat a hedgehog,” said Jonah to Tano under his breath.

“I didn’t eat a hedgehog,” said Tano.

“Yes you did,” said Jonah, smirking, “remember that

‘hamburger’ I made you?”

“Why you dirty rotten little sigin, you!” exclaimed

Tano, still under his breath. Customer X, named Sarah,

meanwhile, was having a rather difficult time, due to the

fact that she was rather short and being under the breath of

Jonah and Tano after they had just consumed a hedgehog

was rather unbearable.

“Oh my,” said Sarah, and promptly left.“Now see what you did!” cried Tano in anguish.

“Sorry,” said Jonah.

“Quick, take this,” said Jonah as he handed Tano a

Altoid.

“Hmm. Candy,” said Tano as he chewed it up.

“Argguga!” he declared loudly as he reached for a nearby

glass of soy sauce, thinking it was water, as Customer XI

walked in.

“Hmm. Whatever they’re serving here, it doesn’t seem

like it tastes so great,” said Customer XI, “but maybe I’ll

get a drink.”

Tano spit out the soy sauce all over the floor.

“Better leave,” mumbled Customer XI as he left.“Now look what you’ve done!” declared Jonah loudly.

“Don’t you know better than to chew an Altoid?”

Then walked in customer XII, whose name was Sam.“Yo, Tano, nice place ya got here, how’s it hangin’ my main

man?”

“Hangin’ upside-down, man, upside-down,” mumbled

Tano, “What can I getcha’?”

“How about a cup of nice Sulfur water and, what’s your

special?”

“Hedgehog served with soy sauce,” replied Tano, then

remembering he added, “but we’re out of soy sauce for

now.”

“Well then, I’ll take that.”“Oh, but we don’t serve sulfur water here, we serve

plain fruit punches and water. Our special today is banana

punch.”

“I’ll just take a plain water then.”

“Okay. Jonah, get this guy a mug of water and a

hedgehog wither without soy sauce.”

Jonah got him just that.

“Mmm. This is mighty tasty,” said Sam.

“Indeedy, indeedy, indeedy,” said Tano who was the

second masked man.

101. A Century“You got the century?” asked the first masked man.“Yeah,” said the third masked man as he handed the first

a $100 bill.

“Here,” said the first as he handed it to the bomb maker.

“Here,” said the Bomb maker as he handed him a time

bomb. “Whoops,” he said accidentally flipping the

irreversible switch.

“Quick, take it to the jail cell, we’ve got five minutes,”

said the first.

24



“But it’s a eight minute drive,” said the third.

“Take it to the dump across the street.”

“Here, gimme that,” said the bomb maker. He took a

pair of scissors and clipped a red wire. “Opps,” he said.

“Dang it, I always do that!” said the bomb maker as he

bashed his head into the bomb several times in great

frustration. When it did not explode he clipped off thegreen wire. “There, here’s your money back. I’ll make you

another one later.”

102. Joe Junior Joe Blow Junior was going to school today even though

he had a stuffy nose. This was because he only had 10 days

he was allowed to miss and he was saving them up for the

end of the year.Joe Junior was sitting in class, pondering a writing

assignment. He had heard that breathing through the nose

and out of the mouth gives more oxygen to the brain and

muscles. He tried this, much to the annoyance of his

classmate, Jimmy. Now one of Joe Junior’s nostrils was more clogged than

the other. Joe Junior had also heard that if you covered up

the right nostril the left side of the brain would get more

oxygen and if you covered up the left nostril the right side

of the brain would get more oxygen, causing it to think

either more creatively or more intellectually.

Joe Junior covered up the unclogged nostril and inhaled

through his nose deeply several times. He felt the creative

juices flow.

“Stop it!” hissed Jimmy, “You are ruining my

concentration!”

“SHH!” hissed Joe Junior in reply. “You’re ruining MY

concentration!”“Having a pleasant conversation, boys?” asked Mr.

Guttersnaks.

“Not very pleasant actually,” said Jimmy.

“I’ll see you boys up front after class,” said Mr.

Guttersnaks.Joe Junior resumed his creative juice releasing method

until Jimmy finally lost it.

“STOP IT!” yelled Jimmy.

“Is there a problem Mr. Cricket?” asked Mr.

Guttersnaks cruelly for Jimmy’s last name was Sakarata.

“This finite fool is making too much noise!” declared

Jimmy.

“Stop it, Mr. Blow,” cautioned Mr. Guttersnaks.“But, sir, my creative juices are really flowing!” argued

Junior with much vigor and vitality.

“Joe...” warned Mr. Guttersnaks.

“Yes, sir, Mr. Guttersnaks, sir,” mumbled Junior.

103. Grounded“You did what?” asked Joe Blow senior.

“I allowed my creative juices to flow,” mumbled Joe

Blow Junior nervously.

“I see. And you got detention for it? What am I going

to do with you boy?” thundered Joe Blow.

“Well, you could pick me up after the detention since

the school bus won’t wait.”

Joe Blow Senior sighed, “But I’m going to Braziltomorrow. I won’t be back till the day after tomorrow.”

“What kind of travel are you using?”

“I don’t know yet. Haven’t worked that part out.”

“Then pick me up.”

“All right, but until the next coupla days you are

grounded.”

“Yes, sir.”

104. Gotcha’Bob Baloney walked into the store to see Sam and Tano

conversing.

“So what about the film?” murmured Sam who was the

first masked man and was now presently unmasked.“Say, have we met before?” asked Bob slapping his

hand on Sam’s back, for indeed they had met at the bank.

“Don’t touch me, buddy!” growled Sam as he looked

into Bob’s face anger vented into his eyes, then when he

saw Bob face the anger turned to horror and his face was

painted a mime’s blush. It turned white in other words.

“N-No, I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-

d--d--d-d-d-d-d-d-d-don’t think we’ve met,” he said passing

out.

“Guess not,” he said turning to Tano. Tano was a bit

pale as well.

“What’s the special?”

“B-b-bomb, I mean-hold on-”Tano dragged Sam into the kitchen and out of sight,

using smelling salts he revived him. “Wake up, atta boy,

listen, he’s traced us down, we gotta move outa town.”

“Right.”

“The police are probably coming behind him let’s go outof the back door.”

And they did, leaving Bob waiting for merely a few

minutes before the waiter came.

“What can I getcha’?”

“Whato iso yo specialo?”

“Hedgehog with soy sauce or a gargling peacock.”

“I’llo tako tho peacocko.”

Bob listened to the beautiful gargling of the peacock until it was drowned out by the growling of his stomach.

Then Bob ordered the hedgehog which was delicious.

105. Under (New!) ManagementJonah looked around.

“Where’d Tano go?” he questioned. He went into the

back room. There he found a note.

25



Jonah the store’s yours. If you try to track me down

you’ll be shot so keep your big nose in your own busyness.

“Hmm,” mused Jonah. “I always thought there was

something suspicious about that guy.”

Just then a customer walked in. It was, lo and behold,

none other than Customer X!

“Hi I’m Sarah,” said Customer X for the second time.“What can I get for you?” Jonah asked in his most

professional I’m-in-charge-here manner.

“What’s your special?” Sarah questioned.

“Hedgehog with soy sauce or a gargling peacock.”

“Sounds lovely,” said Sarah, “I’ll take both of them.”

Sarah enjoyed a lunch of hedgehog with soy sauce whilst

listening to the beautiful gargling of the peacock.

“Say,” said Jonah to Sarah as she finished eating the

hedgehog, “I don’t suppose you’d like to help me run this

joint, would you? My partner just walked out on me.”

“Would I get free hedgehog sandwiches?” Sarah asked

suspiciously.

“As many as you make,” replied Jonah.“All right then,” said Sarah.

And they lived happily ever after. Well, almost...

106. Siupid Salesmen...was the name of the company. Actually, the name was

Stupid Salesmen but the crossbar in the t was a different

color so it looked like Siupid Salesmen. Many people were

thus confused into thinking that they were snobby salesmen

using big words and business was not too good.

The whole point of naming the car sales company Stupid

Salesmen was so people would think they could take

advantage of the salesmen’s stupidity and get great

bargains. One of these salesmen was nicknamed, “M&M”which stood for Marble Man because of his great skill in

marbles.

Today was Thursday, October 24, and Marble Man was,

as usual, playing marbles with the latest customer. Many of

his customers refused to play, but this did not frustrateM&M. He knew that many people were intimidated by his

great marble playing skills.

When M&M was informed that he and his “friends” had

to go on the run, he was rather glad to go for perhaps he

could get better marble playing at a new job. Job

opportunities are rather slim when you are the third masked

man.

107. Dynamite“I got that Dynamite for the jail break,” said Tano.

“Good. Where did you get it?” asked Sam.

“Home Depot,” replied Tano.

“What?” asked Sam.

“What?” asked M&M.

“Look,” said Tano pulling out a cylinder shaped

container with “DYNAMITE plant food” written on it.

“That’s plant food, stupid,” said Sam angrily.

“Ah well, we’d best be on our way. I suppose we won’t

be able to break that fellow out of jail after all. Let’s go.”

And they did.

108. The Doorbell“Ring Worm” rang the Blow’s doorbell. The reason

that it rang “Ring Worm” instead of “Ding Dong” was that

when Joe Blow Junior’s friends rang on the doorbell he

would go running outside with them barefoot. Sally,

however, was much afraid that Joe Junior would get

ringworms and had Joe Senior install this little doorbell

device to remind Junior to put on his shoes.

Senior answered the door with a “yeah, whaddaya

want?”“Mr. Blow?”

“Yeah?”

“Mr. Joe Blow?”

“Yeah.”

“Mr. Joe Phat Blow?”“No, that’s the guy next door.”

“Good day then.”

109. We Don’t Know Where They Stand“Where do you stand?” asked the Keymaster to the

convict across his cell.

“Wouldn’t you like ta know!” snarled Abbub.

“Looks like you stand in that thar cell,” sneered the

Keymaster.

“Hah! That shows what you know. Only Bob

Babblefoot knows where I stand on the issue of keys.”

“Well, you don’t know my stand on the view of theelectric chair.”

“I’ll bet I can guess.”

“Don’t bother. You won’t be told if you’re right or

wrong.”The truth is, my friends, we don’t know where they

stand.

110. Beanie BelliesJoey (Joe Blow Junior) strapped on a Beanie Belly,

which come in many designer colors and patterns, and

tucked it under his shirt. The purpose of the beanie belly

was to look fat, because the maker had heard that it was

good to be phat.Junior’s days of being grounded had finally ended and

he walked down the street with an impressive looking bad

news belly.

“Gained a bit of weight there, Joey?” asked Jimmy.

Fortunately the bad news belly was made of beans and

hardly did more than to stun Jimmy.

111. Let’s Leave This One To the Golfers

26



Obne Boy looked at the stick suspiciously. It was a

metal stick, with a blunt obtrusion at one end. It appeared

to have been gripped at the other end. Obne Boy gave the

stick a swing.

“Owwww!” cried Tazgrawati in pain.

“I’m Obne Boy,” said Obne Boy sheepishly.

“Well I’m Tazgrawati!” shouted Tazgrawati angrily.“Feel my wrath!” With these violent words, Taz snatched

the golf club out of the trembling hands of Obne Boy. Obne

Boy, sensing the danger of the situation, turned and fled.

As Obne Boy was in Taz’s backyard, which was rather a

farm, he had plenty of room to flee in. Obne Boy headed

for the cow pasture.

“I’m Obne Boy,” said Obne Boy as he skirted past a

cow.

“Mooo!?!?!” said the cow in terror, and began to run

away from Obne Boy! Obne Boy, having nothing better to

do, ran after the cow. Taz, still wildly waving the golf club,

ran after Obne Boy.

“Mooo!” cried the cow.“I’m Obne Boy!” cried Obne Boy, hoping that someone

would rescue him from the wrath of the great and mighty

and fearful Tazgrawati.“Feel my wrath!” snarled Taz.

“Hey!” cried Phosphorous Man, suddenly coming to the

rescue, “leave that cow alone!”

112. To Ebb or Not To Ebb“To Ebb, or not to Ebb,” muttered Taz as he frantically

waved the golf club and ran after Obne boy into a low barn

door.

This did not do wonders for the golf club. In fact it bent

it out of shape, knocked it out of Taz’s hand, and hit Taz onthe head, successfully knocking him out. Obne Boy then

escaped.

113. Stop Stalling“I know your stalling,” said the angry man, “what

happens to the masked men.”

“They get away,” said the calm cool collected kid with

the nice haircut.

The angry man with the red face said, “They’d better

not, or this story is finished.”

Which brings us to chapter,

114. Submitting the Tape“Here’s the tape about the bank,” spoke Bob to the man

in charge.

“Thanks,” he muttered as he snatched the tape and

stuffed an edible napkin into his mouth.

115. Listen up, Bob.

“Bob, you have recorded a bank robbery. This is

evidence. I need you to submit it to the police. I’m sure

there will be a reward.”

Bob, being rich, did not want a reward and was none too

fond of the police.

“Okay,” he said taking the tape.

116. The FrogBob Babblefoot was an unfortunate soul. He was very

unfortunate indeed. This was because...well, let me show

you his song.

You poooor unfortunate soul,

You can’t bowl.

You poor soul.

And indeed, Mr. Babblefoot missed bowling. He wentto the bowling alley every day. Oh yes, you are wondering,

‘Why can’t he bowl?’ And the answer is very simple. He

has his right arm in a sling. Now there was actually nothing

wrong with his right arm, but he did not know this.

Junior was bowling today and was sure that the next onewould be a strike. He pulled back and let the bowling ball

loose.

“Look out,” yelled Bob Babblefoot to a nonexistent frog

he saw on the bowling alley. When the frog didn’t move,

Mr. Babblefoot ran out and stopped the ball, much to the

annoyance of Junior.

Junior used his bad news beanie belly on Bob

Babblefoot after a heated debate as to whether or not it was

going to be a strike and whether or not there was a frog

there.

“Thou art a fat, finite, flourishing fool,” declared Bob

Babblefoot, “to bully an injured man.” He then left in a

rage.

117. Stalls“I told you to stop stalling,” said the man with the beet

red face, for indeed it was redder than before.

“Well,” said the kid with the marvelous haircut, “There

is a point to this one.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“Wait and see.”

“I’m tired of waiting through all this stalling!” declared

Redface.

“Oh shuteth thine nostrils, or thine mouth if thou

preferest, for there beith no stalling,” declared the girl withthe ponytail.

118. Over Arrest“Well?” asked Police Officer Jake.

“Okay, here’s the deal,” began George Khan, Chief of

Police, “We must find the person who is doing the stomach phenomenon and arrest him. Here are the reports by the

27



victims.” George Khan, Chief of Police, handed Police

Officer Jake the file.

“Is Conrad in this one?” he asked.

“No, but Jimmy Sakarata and Bob Babblefoot are,” said

George Khan, Chief of Police.

119. Under ArrestThus was Joe Blow Junior arrested. He was soon

released after Conrad pointed out that he was not the same

man that belly bounced him. Conrad, of course, did not use

the term belly for no police man would be caught dead

saying belly.

“This isn’t him, boys. I done told ya he’s an adult.”

120. The NewsJim Match was watching TV when suddenly he noticed

a drawing of himself flash on the screen!

“Wow, I’m famous!” cried Jim Match excitedly. “I

can’t wait to tell my trucker buddies.”

“His Match,” said the announcer, “has recently been

putting to use a vile and dangerous weapon known as the

stomach phenomenon He’s dangerous and always armed,

so stay alert for this guy. Remember, if you have any clues,

call us at 1-800-GET-BADGUYS.” Little did Jim Match

know he was watching “America’s Most Wanted.”

121. Trucker Buddies“Jim, are you all right?” asked Jim’s trucker buddy,

Puck, sounding very unconcerned for Jim’s well-being.

“Yeah, I’m just fine,” replied Jim.

“Well, I saw you on “America’s Most Wanted” last

night,” said Puck.“Hey wait a minute there,” said Jim. “ “America’s Most

Wanted?” I didn’t know - hey you’re not going to turn me

in now are you? Don’t they give some kind of reward...”

“Well it shore is sad,” said Puck suddenly bursting into

a most uncalled-for fit of laughter!

“I don’t think it’s that funny,” muttered Jim.

“Course I ain’t gonna turn you in,” said Puck, “although

that’s not to say I won’t be tempted. I toldjah you was

gettin to be a bit violent with that belly o’ yours. But listen,

I’ve got a plan. The only way the cops really have to

identify you is your bad news belly. If you trim down a bit,

they’ll never know.”

“No more bad news belly?” asked Jim, aghast.“Sorry, pal. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it,” said

Puck consolingly. Thus started Jim’s diet.

122. The Video Tape (Part I)Bob returned home and thought about the video tape.

Finally he decided he would take his chances of getting

arrested for destroying evidence. Then he thought about the

jail cell and how cold and uncomfortable it was. Then he

thought about the masked men who kidnapped him. Then a

thought occurred to Bob. Maybe the masked men were the

ones who had robbed the bank!

But there were three masked men and only one bank

robber. Bob thought some more. Had he seen anyone that

looked like the bank robber? He had! And they guy turned

white and pale and passed out. Another guy took him to the back, and his voice sounded like the one of the masked

men’s voice. Bob decided that in order to get back at them

for kidnapping him he ought to turn in the tape.

123. The Video Tape (Part II)“So Zondus was thus banished from the kingdom of

Faleydalywaleykoboomalodamuchusgrasiusforlistening,”

said the announcer over the tape.“What kind of evidence is this?” asked George Khan,

Chief of Police.

“You put in the wrong tape. Here’s the evidence,” said

Bob Baloney taking the tape from the top of the desk and

putting it in the hand of George Khan, Chief of Police.

124. The Video Tape (Part III)George Khan, Chief of Police, watched Bob’s video

with a stupefied horror.

“That’s - that’s - that’s - what’s his name! The guy who

always cleans my shirts. Sam’s Cleaners, that’s where he

works. You know, he never did get that ketchup stain of my

uniform,” mused George Khan, Chief of Police. “I say we

arrest him.”

125. Mumblewd

Junior was very good at mumblewing. It was a specialart he had perfected that consisted of speaking, mumbling,

and blowing all at the same time. When Junior mumblewd,

no one could understand him.

“Hey Joey!” cried Jimmy. “Are you doing anything

after school today?”

“Ess i gota goo tuhthuh stur ith om,” mumblewd Junior.

“Well I’ll see you later then,” said Jimmy, much

offended at Junior’s mumblewing.

“Junior, it’s time to go to the store,” said Sally to her

son.

“Uggay emmie geh mah mooney,” mumblewd Junior.

Sally looked at him sternly.

“Speak up, son,” she said.“UGGAY EMMIE GEH MAH MOONEY,” mumblewd

Junior loudly.

Sally decided not to take Junior to the store after all.

126. The Giver of Teeth“Free teeth, now half off,” declared the man on the

roadside who was dressed in the proper attire of a hobo in

Conrad’s ear.

28



Conrad whacked the man a good one with his cane.

Then he stopped to ask, “how much are they with the half

off deal?”

The “hobo” frowned at Conrad inquisitively. “What,

you a cop or something?” he asked. “What’s it to ya?”

Then he whacked Conrad back with the sack of teeth. Now

you may be thinking, I thought this was supposed to be awholesome family story. Well, it’s really not. Guess we

fooled you, didn’t we!

Conrad promptly arrested the Giver of Teeth.

Note, however, that the story does have consequences.

127. The Most Ferociously Exciting Day

at JailThe Giver of Teeth (who himself was toothless) glanced

at his tattered cell mates. Splinter was a hobo, like himself.

Abbub was a former restaurant owner with an attitude, and

the Keymaster was the Master of Keys, meaning he carried

many keys around with him.

“I say there,” said The Giver of Teeth to the Keymaster,

“why don’t you use some of those keys there to unlock us.”

“What a good idea,” said the Keymaster, “just let me

finish this game of solitaire first. I’m about to win.” The

Keymaster spent a long time playing solitaire. The Giver of

Teeth began to get suspicious.

“You almost done with that solitaire game?” he snarled.

“Almost,” said the Keymaster patiently. An hour

passed. “I won! I won!” cried the Keymaster excitedly.

“You did?” asked Splinter, awestruck.

“Wow!” exclaimed Abbub, who was eating a hedgehog

sandwich kindly stuffed inside a care package from Jonah.

In fact, the hedgehog sandwich was the only thing that wasinside, because the police officers (who thoroughly check

all care packages) wouldn’t allow the peacock inside the jail

cell.

“Now about those keys,” hinted the Giver of Teeth.“Yes,” said the Keymaster, reaching for his keys, when

suddenly Police Officer Jake entered, dragging three

masked men behind him. Thus the Keymaster was not able

to test his keys in the presence of the officer.

“Next time,” said the first masked man, “we’ve gotta

scram faster.”

“Hey, don’t be blamin’ me,” said the second masked

man.

“Me either,” said the third masked man. “In fact, you better just blame yourself.” So the three masked men were

in great enmity with each other. The Keymaster began a

new game of solitaire.

“Hey, about those keys,” hinted the Giver of Teeth to

the Keymaster.

“Yeah, just lemmie finish up this game of solitaire real

quick,” said the Keymaster. “I’m about to win.”

128. Another...“Hey there, fellahs, nice to see you again,” said the man

as he came in to the cell. The three unmasked men looked

at him.

“Hey lookie thar! ‘Tis that Keymaster’s bruder,” said

Sam changing accents.

“Hey there Sam, Tano, and M&M,” said the man, whowas indeed the Keymaster’s brother.

“They call me The Other Keymaster,” said The Other

Keymaster to the Keymaster.

“I know,” said The Keymaster, “You’re my brother

remember.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot,” said The Other Keymaster.

“Say, how about using one of those keys now,” said the

Giver of Teeth.The Keymaster tried all of his keys but none of them

worked.

“Hey, you’re using those keys backwards,” said the

Giver of Teeth.

“I knew that, I was just seein’ if anybodys wouldnotice,” said the Keymaster sheepishly.

He tried them in the other way, but none of them worked

again.

“Too bad they took up my toothpick,” said the

Keymaster.

“They didn’t take up mine,” said the Other Keymaster.

“Well use it then,” said the Giver of Teeth.

The Other Keymaster picked the lock and released his

brother, Splinter, Abbub, a few other prisoners and the

Giver of Teeth.

“Hey, what about us?” asked Sam, Tano, and M&M.

“Don’t release them, they got me caught,” said the

Keymaster.So they left them behind.

129. Pot BellyJim Match had been dieting for several weeks when he

decided to use an alternative method for getting rid of his

bad news belly.

“Puck, I’ve been dieting for three weeks, and I haven’t

lost my bad news belly,” said Jim to Puck.

“Well,” said Puck, “I always wondered how you got to

have such a big belly when you’re so skinny!”

“Oh, that’s easy,” said Jim Match, pulling a pot out from

under his shirt. “You never know when you’ll need a pot,you know,” he said triumphantly.

“Ah.”

“Well we’ve got that problem solved.”

“From now on, wear your pot on your butt.”

130. Bad News Butt

29



Jim sat down in his truck. This was rather

uncomfortable, due to the fact that he had a pot strapped to

his butt.

“This is rather uncomfortable,” said Jim to Puck.

“I can see that,” said Puck to Jim.

“Perhaps I’ll just wear my pot on my head.”

“Yes, then it also makes a good hat,” Puck agreed. JimMatch, formerly His Match, put his pot, formerly the bad

news belly, on his head.

131. AimlessBob wandered aimlessly around the streets. This always

helped him to collect his thoughts.

“Here’s one,” said the garbage man.

“Thanks,” muttered Bob. “Next time don’t throw mythoughts away.”

“Hey, get those thoughts out of the gutter,” said the

garbage man.

Bob reached down and picked up his thoughts out of the

gutter. Then it began to rain.“Well, I’ve gotta go,” said the garbage man.

“Right. I guess I’ll collect my thoughts later,” said Bob.

He returned home with his thoughts, and stuffed them into

the plastic brain of his brainstorming machine. “I may need

these some day,” said Bob.

132. Junior and the Brown NosingIncident

Junior had heard that brown nosing was a great way to

get a good grade with Mr. Guttersnaks. Junior went outside

and rubbed his nose into the mud. He then went up to Mr.

Guttersnaks and rubbed his nose onto Mr. Guttersnaks’s pants leg. This did not please Mr. Guttersnaks.

“This does not please me, Mr. Blow,” said Mr.

Guttersnaks.

“Why not?” asked Junior.

“You are supposed to be in your seat, but you’re sniffing

my pants leg,” said Mr. Guttersnaks.

“I’m not sniffing, sir, I’m brown nosing,” said Junior.

“Well, take your seat,” said Mr. Guttersnaks.

“Yes sir,” said Junior. Mr. Guttersnaks resumed his

lesson.

“Now if we take the derivative of the speed of the ball

falling from the cliff, what will we have?” asked Mr.

Guttersnaks.“Velocity, sir,” said Jimmy.

“Very good, Mr. Sakarata,” said Mr. Guttersnaks. “And

if we take the second derivative of the speed of the ball,

what will we have?”

“Acceleration, sir,” said Junior.

“Very good, Mr. Blow,” said Mr. Guttersnaks. “Andwhat do we know acceleration to be?”

“We don’t, sir,” said Jimmy. Mr. Guttersnaks glared at

Jimmy.

“Incorrect!” he declared triumphantly. “We know the

acceleration of any object is 9.8 meters per second!”

“But sir,” protested Junior, coming to the rescue of his

friend, “That’s negating air resistance! It depends on the

density of the air, and we really ought to consider the windspeed and direction, and of course what planet you’re on.

But I derived a little equation last night that lets you

calculate all that, and I can write it on the board if you’d

like.”

133. AlaskaJim Match lifted the pot from his eyes.

“Where am I?” he asked, dazed. He pulled the truck over into a rest stop.

“Welcome to Anchorage!” said the sign. Of course, the

sign did not actually say anything, Jim simply read the

words printed on the sign.

“Alaska?” Jim questioned. “I’m supposed to be inOklahoma!”

“That’s what you get when you drive around with a big

pot on your head!” exclaimed a bystander who sold dogs.

“Would you like to buy a dog?” asked the bystander, who’s

name was Ugly Moe.

“Well, sure, since I’ve come all the way down here,”

said Jim Match.

“This dog is named Ramqui,” said the Ugly Moe, “and

she had a brother named Ralph, but I sold him to a lady

from the lower 48.”

“Ramqui is a sort of funny name,” said Jim suspiciously.

“Yeah, I know,” replied the Ugly Moe, toying with a

crowbar, “but I couldn’t think of anything else.” JimMatch, realizing that he no longer wore his bad news belly,

decided to leave the dog’s name at that.

“So what’s your name?” asked Jim suspiciously.

“Rusty,” Ugly Moe replied, and then added, pointing to

Big Mark standing next to him, “This is Blade.”Jim looked down at a rusty knife blade on the ground

between the two. “That’s an awfully suspicious name,” he

murmured.

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t think of anything else,” replied

Ugly Moe for the second time.

134. Sally’s Story“Joe, you want to read my story?” Sally asked Joe.

“Sure,” said Joe.

“C:\dos” said Joe.

“C:\dos\run” said Joe.

“run\dos\run” said Joe.

“That’s not my story,” said Sally. “That’s the computer

manual.”

“Oh sorry” said Joe.

30



135. Sally’s Real Story

By: Sally Blow

“Ralph! We’ve been gone an hour! We have to get back.” For hours my

faithful dog and I searched for the tour group. Finally, I had to face

reality: we were hopelessly lost. Hungrily, I scarfed down my only food -

half a sandwich and a can of soda.

Cold. I tried to start a fire with my glasses and some damp twigs, but

was unsuccessful. I needed paper. Reluctantly, I ripped a page from my

most recent Boy’s Life magazine. I focused a beam of light on the paper

and got smoke, then slowly added twigs. Soon I had fire.Then snow came, icy and cold. It doused my fire and my hopes. I needed

shelter. I tied the corners of a garbage bag to some branches with the

string from an old yo-yo. Ralph and I huddled beneath the clumsy shelter.

The whole day we waited for the snow to stop. That night, I somehow fell

asleep. In the morning, Ralph woke me up. I was sleepy and numb from the

cold that had seeped into my bones. I knew what that meant: hypothermia.

In a jiffy I started another fire, melted some snow for water, and ate

some berries growing on a nearby bush. I cut apart the empty soda can andmade a crude signaling mirror from it. Hours later, I heard a helicopter. I

flashed the mirror and waved my scarf like crazy. We were finally rescued!

“Wow, what a great story!” cried Joe. Tears rolled down

his face. “It was so touching,” he gasped between sobs.

Sally was crying too.

“It’s beautiful!” she cried. “Just beautiful...” Just then

the phone rang.

“I’ll get it,” sobbed Sally.

“No I will,” sobbed Joe, rudely snatching the phone from

her.

“What do you want,” Joe wept into the phone.

“Uh...” said Bob on the other line. He could hear Sally’s

wails between Joe’s moans, and wondered if everything was

okay. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” said Joe, “Listen to this!” and let out another long

loud sob.

“I hear,” said Bob.

“No,” said Joe, reading, “I t-t-t-tried to start a f-f-fire

-*sob!*- with m-m-my glasses and -*gasp!*- some d-d-damp

twig-g-g-gs, but was -*boo-hoo!*- unsuccessful. I n-n-

needed -*wah!*- paper!” Joe broke off into a trail of tears.

“R-r-reluctantly,” Joe continued through his sobs, “I r-r-r-

ripped a puh-puh-puh-page from my m-m-m-most recent B-

b-b-oy’s Life magazine!” Joe could continue no more. He

buried his head in the phone and wailed.

“Gee, I’m sorry Joe,” said Bob. “I didn’t know Boy’s

Life was so important to you! Tell you what -” Bob was

beginning to feel rather desperate now, for Joe’s wails were

only growing the more intense for all his consoling - “I have

last month’s issue if you want it, I can give it to you!” Joe,

yet to re-gain control of himself, attempted to read yet

another section from the most touching story by Sally Blow.

“T-t-then snow k-k-came, icy and-d-d -*sob!*- cold. It

d-d-d-doused my f-f-f-fire and my h-h-ho-hopes. I n-n-n-

needed shel -*hic!*- shelter!” Joe paused again, beginning

to collect himself. “And this,” he continued: “In the mor-

31



morning, R-r-ralph woke me up. -*snif!*- I was sl-sl-sleepy

and n-n-n-numb from the c-cold that had s-se-seeped into

my b-b-bones. I knew -*hic!*- what that meant:

hypothermia.” Joe was silent, waiting for the beauty of the

words to seep in to Bob’s slow brain. Bob didn’t say

anything.

“I’m waiting for the beauty of the words to seep intoyour slow brain, Bob,” said Joe.

“Well that may take a while,” said Bob. “If you give me

a copy, I’ll put it in.”

Later that evening Joe stopped by Bob’s house with a

copy of “Lost in Alaska” by Sally Blow. Bob wadded it up

and tossed it into his brainstorming machine with his other

thoughts that he had retrieved from the gutter.

136. Bob’s ProblemWhile Bob was having a major brainstorm, he noticed

his thoughts were getting soggy and leaking out of the brain

as the thoughts broke up and dissipated into tiny watery

pieces.“Hmm,” said Bob, “How am I going to remember my

thoughts now? Oh well, I guess my brain was getting full

anyway.”

“Well,” Bob answered himself, “I still oughta keep these,

and recycle them.” So Bob put a pot underneath the brain to

collect the watery pieces of thought.

137. ReleasedConrad walked into the prison room. “Well good news

for you guys, you’ve served your time and...” But they were

gone. Conrad glanced down at the sheet clipped to his

clipboard. “Well, looks like they all go free except for thesethree new arrivals, but they’re all gone!” Conrad, being

lazy, did not want to write them up for escaping and have to

go out and arrest them all over again, so he wrote on his

sheet, “released.”“There, that takes care of that!” he exclaimed, feeling

rather pleased with himself. The three unmasked looked at

him grumpily.

“So when do we get out?” asked Sam.

“As soon as the hacksaw arrives,” M&M unwittingly

replied, to which Tano quickly smacked him a good one.

“Oh,” said Conrad, not noticing M&M’s remark,

“You’ve got about ten years. Not too long. Hopefully

pretty soon I’ll be transferred to a different city and won’thave to put up with you!”

138. The PhatheadThey called him the Fathead. This was because nobody

liked him, but nobody wanted to hurt his feelings, except for

Bob Babblefoot.When he wrote checks, he would sign his name:

Phathead“Oh, hey, I’ve heard of you!” said the teller, “but I’ve

always thought it was spelt with an F.”

“No, that’s probably your latest grade,” growled the

Phathead, glad to correct this latest mistake which wasn’t

actually a mistake, but this was unknown to the Phatheadwhose real name was...

139. Gregory...was not actually the name of the Phathead. Ha! I sure

fooled you, eh?! Gregory was the Phathead’s dad. Gregory

was full of words of wisdom.

“Say Dad,” said the Phathead, “can you explain my math

homework to me?”

“Math homework, my son,” said Gregory, “is not meant

to be worn on the tunic. Only fools do wear it; therefore

cast it off.”

“Yes, Dad,” said the Phathead, pulling the homework

sheet from the secure position on his chest where his teacher

had so cleverly placed it. The Phathead always had trouble

remembering to do his homework.

140. Ye Olde EscapeesSplinter glanceth at his soiled companions.

“Shalt we lodge here until the morrow, preethee, I do

feel a chill in mine bones,” saith Splinter unto his traveling

fellows.

“Verily,” replieth the Giver of Teeth, “I liketh not the

looks of this dwelling.” The Giver of Teeth glanceth at the

sign adorning the door which readeth: The Vet of Aatrakas.

“Hast thou a reason to dislike such a place?” questioneththe Keymaster fiercely.

“Nay, I have not, only an omen that cometh from the

sky,” replieth the Giver of Teeth.

“What such omen, my good lad, hast thou?” requireth

the Other Keymaster.

“Look ye here,” respondeth the Giver of Teeth. He

showeth forth a sizable sum of bird poop. “This hath

landeth upon my bare head as I looketh upon the sign,” and

the Giver of Teeth gestureth towards the sign.

“Surely the omen speaketh falsely!” declareth Abbub, for

he believeth not in omens.

141. Bob’s ReplyBob decided to call Joe Blow and tell him he needed

another copy of the story.

“Hi, you’ve reached the Blow residence. If you are a

burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons

right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we aren’t

at home and it would be a good idea to leave us a message,”

said Joe’s answering machine.

32



“Hey Joe, this is Bob. I need another copy of the story

that your wife wrote. Thanks,” said Bob over the phone.

Joe picked up the phone.

“What’d ya do with the first one?” he snarled.

“Uhhh...” said Bob and hung up quickly, much afraid of

Joe’s wrath.

“Now what did he do that for?” Joe wondered, andquickly put a copy of Sally’s story in an envelope, stamped

it, and put it in the mailbox.

142. The Vet of Aatrakas Seeketh His

Revenge“What say ye, worn traveler,” sayeth the vet of Aatrakas

to Splinter, “wilt thou stay here this evening?”

Splinter remembereth not the anger wither the vet of

Aatrakas did formerly dealeth with him. He thus had no

foreboding of the revenge the vet seeketh.

“Yea, we wilt stay,” speakest forth Splinter. The vet of

Aatrakas noddeth evily.

“Thou speakest aright,” he answereth, and openeth the

door of his most humble abode, “ye merry wanders of the

night! Come, look upon your beds and smile, and I will a fat

and bean-fed horse beguile!”

“I likeith not,” mumbleth the Giver of Teeth. From the

cold room wither the five weary travelers did sleep, he could

hear the vet of Aatrakas neighing in the likeness of a filly

foal.

“This is too much even for me,” saith Abbub, arousing

from his slumber, “who once ran Coblin’s Cafe!”

“Look ye here,” saith the Keymaster earnestly, “we have

need of escaping.”

“Thou speakest aright,” frowneth the Other Keymaster dryly, drinking from a gossip’s bowl. Suddenly the bowl

jumpeth in his hands! The ale wast poured upon the Other

Keymaster’s withered dewlap, not to mentioneth his four

other companions. “Blasted roasted crab,” muttereth theOther Keymaster. Splinter picketh the crab apple from the

bowl and biteth it. The neighing of the filly foal stopeth,

and screaming filleth the ears of the five travelers.

“Preethee, friends, let us escape now,” sayeth Splinter.

But before they could moveth -

143. Math Homework The paper was torn at the edge, wrinkled, and dirtied.

The homework in the center was laced along the edges withlong and intricate descriptions of math class.

“Three people peered through the doorway, pointing,

gesturing, nodding; the yellow cord shone from its socket in

the wall, knowing the attention it was getting. Boredom

seeps into the atmosphere, but the yellow cord cares not.”

“Mathmematyical!” exclaimed Gregory. “My son, canyou not spell?”

“No, Dad, I can’t,” the Phathead admitted, his head hung

low. Fortunately his dad was farsighted and could not read

the small print surrounding the hastily scratched out

equations:

“The creeping boredom emits a stink that is highly

punctuated, but the teacher can not seem to notice it.

Neither do the other students. Oblivious to the suffocatingstench, they continue to pound their calculators with a

maddening regularity, click, click, click, “Oh yes! I got the

answer!” click, click. The foul odor is growing

impenetrable, it is darkening the air. I see it thicken into

hands and grab poor young Jimmy around the neck! Jimmy

gags silently, lays his head on the desk, and is still.”

The Phathead remembered that Jimmy was none too

fond of that description, for he was the one who graded the

Phathead’s homework. Somehow, the Phathead did not get

a very good grade on that homework assignment.

“The class fails to notice the subtle absence of Jimmy,

and the hands turn to a new victim. Joey is busily punching

the calculator, bang, bang, the pounding filling my burning brain. The hands hover silently above him, waiting for the

right moment.

“Jimmy, what’d you get for number—” He noticesJimmy’s pale, cold face a moment too late, and the hands of

boredom are at his throat, choking his screams into silence.”

Come to think of it, Joey was none to fond of the story

either, when Jimmy showed it to him. But that was not the

Phathead’s fault. If they chose not to like it, that was their

problem.

144. The Vet of Aatrakas Seekth More

Vengeance“Come,” said the vet of Aatrakas as he rose that sleepy

morrow, “and let us fish together.”

“Very well,” sayeth the worn travelers together.

“We shall fish for our supper,” saith the vet of Aatrakasas he handeth Splinter a sponge with hooks contained

therein, “squeeze the sponge to findeth the hooks and slay

the worms with them.”

Splinter got many a hole ‘n his merry fingers and

punctured them repeatedly. At length he succeeded and they

all went fishing.

Somehow everyone but Splinter caught a fish.

“I understandeth not,” saith the Vet of Aatrakas evily, for

he findeth himself unsuccessful in concealing his pleasure,“my lucky spongy hook hath always worked before. Now

go, all of you, on to thine separate ways.”

And they did just that.

145. The Story Reaches Its Long Lost

Destination to Which It Was Destined togo by Joe Blow and Co. and Many Moe

33



“Hmm, junk mail, junk mail, junk, junk, junk, people

magazine, hey I got a letter from my good ol’ neighbor Joe

Blow. Wonder what it says.”

Hastily, Bob chewed off the top of the envelope.

“Hmm. Lost in Alaska. Who’s lost in Alaska? Some

guy named Ralph. Oh wait, this is the story, I’d better read

it.” While Bob was reading the story, Nasty Moe pulled into

the driveway. “Now this is 1234 Smith Street,” said Nasty

Moe, “this should be the place.”

146. Thou Carest Not For Me; Why

Should I Care For Thee?questioneth the Vet of Aatrakas to Splinter.

“What sayest thou? I carest not for thee?”

“Yea, that is what I said,” replieth the Vet of Aatrakas.

“Nay, thou hast been deceived.”

“How do ya figger that?” the Vet of Aatrakas snorteth

loudly. This outburst left Splinter quite abashed.

“Pardon my indolence, preethee,” he murmureth, a

maiden blush bepainting his cheek. “Tis only that you

started it, by giving improper care to mine wounded ankle.”

“Thine ankle,” the Vet of Aatrakas sneereth, “is but a

withering daffodil!” These brutal words proved more than

Splinter’s tender heart could bear. He turned and fled,

seeking refuge from the streaming torment of tears that were

sliding down his weathered cheeks.

147. Smelly Moerang the doorbell. Nothing happened. So he rang it

again. Nothing happened again. Now this did not please

Smelly Moe, but he was good at concealing inner rages, sohe rapped on the window, accidentally breaking it. Okay, he

wasn’t all that good at it.

148. Dirty Moelooked around uneasily as an angry Bob came to the

door and swung it open.

“What?” barked Bob, “did you break my window for?”

“Sorry, was an accident,” replied Dirty Moe.

“Well then, what do you want?” asked Bob.

149. What He Wants

“I want to tell you a secret message from our field agentsin Alaska,” said Dusty Moe.

“Come in, come in,” said Bob a bit more hospitality.

“The green cat ate the spherical orange,” said Dusty

Moe.

Bob, having learned that faking it was not the way

replied, “I’m not up to date on the new code, please speak

openly and plainly.”

“My cat, which I dyed green, ate a round orange,”

replied Dusty Moe.

“Oh, of course, and why are you telling me this?”

“I’m stalling for time until Unmasked get here.”

Just then the three masked men burst into the room.

150. Unmasked Has EscapedIt was very uncomfortable in the trunk of the car, and it

was a long trip to Alaska.

“Okay, boys,” said Reekin’ Moe, “Let’s get him into the

prison cell and you can have your last words with him.”

They took Bob, gagged and bound, out of the car and

dragged him into the prison.

“Vengeance is mine!” laughed Tano.

“No it’s not, it’s ours,” replied Sam.“Shut up, Sam,” said Tano, “and let’s go.”

151. A Look AroundInside the cell was enough food to live for a few months,

if it was eaten wisely. A large quantify of the food was

canned hedgehog, much to Bob’s delight.

“Why, how lovely!” exclaimed Bob. “I do so enjoy

canned hedgehog. Of course, the hedgehog sandwiches they

served at Coblin’s Cafe were much nicer than this, but hey,

you take what you can get...”

Also inside the cell was a thick pad of paper and a few

pencils.

“I’ve always wanted to take up art,” said Bob. And,

much to Bob’s delight, there was a cozy little cot in the

corner, fully furnished with an old-fashioned blanket.

“What a pleasant old-fashioned blanket,” mused Bob.

“It looks just like the one at my grandmother’s. Why, iteven has moth holes just like hers did!” Bob was suddenly

very nostalgic about his grandmother’s house. He snatched

up the pad and a pencil and made a quick sketch.

“I haven’t improved much since kindergarten,” Bobnoted, scrutinizing the scribbles. He put the paper down and

noticed the handy-dandy latrine in the corner, and a small

sink next to it.

“Well that’s a useful thing to have,” Bob said. Bob felt

very grateful in his heart that Slinky Moe and his three

companions had the compassion to provide such a nice

vacation spot for him.

152. A Month Later...Bob felt a bit tired with the place. It wasn’t all too

exciting.

He looked around and saw the door. He tried to open it,

but it was locked.

Suddenly Bob had a great flash on insight.

“Perhaps,” Bob mused aloud, “I am trapped.”

34



Just then a wall caved in and the man behind it shouted,

“I’m free, I’m free! I’m...not free. Another cell, I knew I

shoulda broken down the wall with the door.”

“Greetings,” said Bob taking the friendly approach, “I

am known far and wide as Bob Smiley.”

“Hmm. Ain’t much to smile about here,” replied the

man gruffly, “I am known to myself as Fred Frank Frowner.”

“Hmm,” said Bob, “Well, how did you break this wall

down?”

“Oh that was easy, I just gradually chip away at all of the

mortar with my metal toothpick,” said Fred as he jumped

over the ruble to the other side, “then I gave it a mighty

shove.”

“And all along, I thought I was hearing a leaky faucet,”

remarked Bob.

“So what are you here for?” asked Fred Frank Frowner.

“Vacation,” retorted Bob. “What about you?”

“A simple peccadillo, ain’t it awful?”

153. ChocolateJonah dropped the chocolates off at Sarah’s front door.

He rang the doorbell and then scrambled to hide behind a

nearby tree.

Sarah opened the door. “Chocolates,” she murmured a

bit annoyed. Sarah hated getting presents, and she

especially hated chocolates. She picked them up and went

inside. Once inside, Sarah fed the chocolates to her cat.

Jonah waited about five minutes and then rang the

doorbell again. Sarah opened the door. “Did you enjoy the

chocolates?” Jonah asked.

“Yes, they were quite tasty. So it was you, huh? Thank

you for the chocolates, Jonah, I really enjoyed them, but Idon’t really like to get-”

Sarah was interrupted by the sound of her cat, which had

walked outside while she was talking, barfing.

“Hey, those look like the chocolates I gave you!” said

Jonah.“Er, well, I uh - shared them,” replied Sarah.

154. FloodWhen Bob woke up the next morning, he noticed

something particular. The room was filled with water. He

stood in it and noticed it was up to his feet. He then noticed

that it was hot water. “Ouch, ow eee!” yelled Bob as he jumped back into his bed. He looked around and saw the

problem. A pipe had broken when Fred Frank Frowner had

broken the wall.

“What’s the racket all about?” asked Fred.

“We’re being flooded, and all because of you!” yelled

Bob angrily.

155. Flutterbys

“Dad, I have to perform in the school play in two

weeks!” the Phathead exclaimed to Gregory, his dad.

Gregory laughed.

“What’s the matter son, you got butterflies in your

stomach?” he joked.

“Butterflies? No! At least, I never saw any fly down

there,” the Phathead replied.“Well, son, just practice,” said Gregory thus imparting

words of wisdom to his offspring.

The Phathead had a hard time getting to sleep that night.

156. Another DreamThe Phathead walked through the meadows, tulips

betwixt his toes. Beautiful swarms of butterflies flitted

about, delicately sipping nectar from the flowers. The sunshone brightly, warming the Phathead’s head as well as his

heart. A little too warm, the Phathead thought darkly, but

one could never be too picky. The beautiful colors of

flowers and flutters seemed to radiate from the field, and a

wonderful floral scent filled the Phathead’s nostrils. ThePhathead could only stand and admire the beauty, when

suddenly one of the butterflies noticed him.

“Let’s get im boys!” laughed the butterfly as they all

swooped up in beautiful formation.

“Ahh, no!” cried The Phathead holding his mouth shut,

but they pried it open and swarmed into his mouth. The dry,

flaky surface of their wings scraped against his esophagus

and the whole field of them dived into his stomach. They

fluttered about in a most sickening way in the poor young

Phathead’s now rather rounded belly. “No, no!” he cried, a

sob choking in his throat. He could hear a high-pitched

laughter coming from somewhere deep within him.

157. Look!“Look,” cried Fred Frank Frowner, “the mortar in the

wall isn’t water resistant! it’s dissolving!”

158. Jim Match and the Party of Four Jim Match was relaxing in a very snotty restaurant. So

snotty in fact, that they served snot candy in plastic noses.

He looked around at the other customers.

Sloppy Moe laughed loudly and replied to Sam, “That

oughta take care o’ ol’ Bobby boy.”

“Bobby boy?” asked Sam.

“Bob, the guy in the white house,” said Sloppy Moe.Jim match overheard this conversation. Was this Mafia

leader already in the white house. Did they take him out?

These questions needed to be answered.

“‘Scuse me, gents,” said Jim Match, “but I jeard you

talkin’ ‘bout my good friend Bob the hobo, and I was

wondering what you did with him.”The four men looked at each other uneasily.

“We ain’t talkin’,” said Sloppy Moe.

35



“I see,” said Jim Match and he walked outside to his

truck and adjusted a bad news belly using a rounded cooking

instrument known commonly as a pot. Then he took out a

mouse tail that he had chopped off with a carving knife and

crazy glued it above his upper lip. Thus disguised, he

walked back inside.

“That was too easy for an ugly lookin’ guy like him,”Sam was saying.

“Shh, he’s back, and he’s put on a few pounds,” said

Sloppy Moe.

“Bet it’s one of those beanie bellies, you hardly hear

about them,” said Tano.

“And check out the dead mouse tail glued to his lip!”

exclaimed M&M under his breath.

“Bet he cut it off with a carving knife,” said Tano.

“Say, old fellows,” said Jim Match in his most

distinguished voice, “how about I buy you folks a drink,

eh?”

“No thanks,” said Sam, “Hey, haven’t I seen you

somewhere?”“Sure you have, you goon,” said Tano, “It’s the skinny

guy.”

“Hey yeah, I think he’s trouble,” said Tano. He pulledout a gun, holding it so that it pointed at his foot, “You’d

better leave us alone, buddy, or else, BANG! heh heh heh.

Now beat it.”

“Not until you tell me where Bob is, and by the way,

you’re holding that gun wrong.”

Sam adjusted the gun in Tano’s hand. “There now beat

it, scram, make like a tree and chestnut.”

“I believe the word is leave,” replied Jim.

“Can’t stand a smarty pants,” said Tano as he fired. The

bullet hit the pot, bounced off and hit a chandelier’s rope,which caused the chandelier to fall, trapping the party of

four and knocking the gun out of Tano’s hand. Meanwhile,

the blow knocked Jim Match out of a nearby window, where

he proceeded to leave in his big rig, also known as a truck.

159. Brain LightningThe thoughts in Bob’s brainstorming machine had grown

rather old, and similar to food left too long in the

refrigerator, it was beginning to take on a personality of its

own.

The brain hovered in the air, consistent of many

thoughts. It had found it had the ability to turn invisible

when necessary as it roamed the street. It yelled out wisesayings for all to hear, in a shoe store:

“ Just for Hands Gloves will soon be replacing this

store!”

And at the novelty salesman convention:

“Novelties are novel. Novelties are grand, novelties are

best for a big ham.”

So far it seemed fairly harmless. But eventually it turned

ugly. After doing so it felt rejected for whenever somebody

saw it they said something like:

“Ha ha! What an ugly brain that is levitating in midair.”

Soon the brain, in its infinite wisdom, wandered into a

carwash. It was soon clean and looking good, no longer so

ugly. The damage had been done, however, and the brainstorming machine was brainstorming ways to take over

Earth.

160. Chandelier Trouble“Have I seen you guys somewhere?” asked the detective

to the four men in the chandelier.

“No, I don’t think so,” replied M&M a bit nervously.

“Well, we’ll have to fingerprint you at the station, sinceyou tried to shoot someone and all.” The doughnut in the

officer’s hand quivered for a moment before it was gobbled

down.

So they were taken and fingerprinted. Soon, all was

figured out. All, that is, except for one thing...

161. What About Bob Baloney?“Well, the water has gone out of the cracks,” observed

Bob casually, “and if we kick the blocks out of place, since

the mortar is dissolved, we should be able to leave.”

“I’ll bet we’ve been framed though, they always do

something like that in this kind of situation,” said Fred.

“Then I’d better return home where it’ll be safe,”

declared Bob sagely.

“Good idea,” said Fred Frank Frowner as he nodded

wisely.

“And I’d also better not alert the police, lest I getarrested,” muttered Bob in deep thought.

“And likewise for me,” replied Fred casually.

Then a sudden insight hit Bob. What if the Blocks caved

in on whoever went under them? “You’d better go first,”said Bob to Fred Frank Frowner.

“What is this, some kind of trap?” snarled Fred Frank

Frowner.

“Uh, no!” said Bob nervously, “It’s just that I - uh - I’m

beginning to like this place, yes that’s it, and I was going to

stay for another day or two!”

162. Samantha’s Crocodile

Joe and Samantha had been moved to Alaska, JunoAlaska. While Conrad was out at work, Samantha was

enjoying the sewers. It had been tough moving her

crocodile without her husband seeing it.

Samantha looked lovingly down at her crocodile. “Bet

yer hungry, eh?” Samantha let out an evil laugh. “Bet you

want a nice tasty human, eh?” Samantha began to let outanother laugh, but it was caught in a rasping cough.

36



“Stay right here, my precious,” she rasped. Then

Samantha jumped out of the sewer, showing off her great

agility, for Samantha loved showing off, and Samantha

especially loved showing off to her crocodile, who’s name

was Tick, which was short for ticklish teeth for Samantha

had always laughed when Tick bit her, which he didn’t often

do ever since she broke the rolling pin over his head.Roaming around the street for a moment she came across

Fred Frank Frowner. “Blizzard!” she yelled, “quick, jump

into the sewer where it’s safe!”

Fred and Samantha jumped into the sewer. “Oh no, a

crocodile!” cried Fred.

“Heh heh heh,” laughed Samantha. Tick gobbled up Fred

Frank Frowner without bothering to chew. Then he spit him

out, for Fred Frank Frowner hadn’t washed in months. Fred

ran out of the sewer.

“Must be the police,” he mumbled to himself.

163. The Paper Conrad put down the newspaper, highly disgusted.

“Those three, always doing something rotten... Well, I’m

glad I was transferred from Aatrakas before they escaped, at

least I don’t have to deal with them.” Just then the phone

rang.

“Wadda ya want,” Conrad asked in a bored voice.

“Conrad!” barked George Khan, Chief of Police, on the

other line.

“Yes sir!” said Conrad, suddenly more responsive.

“I have news for you, Conrad,” said George Khan, Chief

of Police.

“Yes, I know,” Conrad sighed. “Those three escaped.”

“Buzz, buzz,” growled George Khan, Chief of Police.

“That’s old news. We caught them last night.”“Really?” said Conrad.

“Yes. Let’s go head banging,” said George Khan, Chief

of Police. “I heard that the new group, Dead Flyswatters, is

having a concert in Alaska. We can go on my day off.”

“You’re coming to Alaska?” Conrad questioned,suddenly frightened.

“Why yes,” said George Khan, Chief of Police, “and

when we go head banging, I get to bang your head against

the wall. See you tomorrow!” *Click*

164. The Hobo Party

“I say it’s time we have a hobo party,” said Splinter tohis traveling companions.

“Oh, goodie!” exclaimed Blister, who (as a professional

hobo) was familiar with hobo parties.

“Do we get spit plea soup?” asked the Giver of Teeth

excitedly.

“It wouldn’t be a hobo party without spit plea soup!”

declared Splinter.

“Uhh... What’s spit plea soup?” questioned Abbub

nervously.

“Well,” said Splinter.

“It’s really quite simple,” declared Blister. “Everyone

brings a can of their favorite kind of soup, and we cook

them all together in a big pot.”

“The result is really quite delicious,” assured the Giver

of Teeth to Abbub.

“Why is it called “spit plea” soup?” asked theKeymaster.

“Because,” said Blister, “once you taste it, you’ll be

pleading for more.”

“Ah,” said the Keymaster, “Of course.”

“Well, I say we do it,” said the Other Keymaster to the

rest.

“We’ll hold the party at 1234 Smith Street,” said

Splinter to his friends. “I’m sure Bob won’t mind, seeing

how he’s out of town at the moment,” Splinter added under

his breath. The five friends split up to get the soup and

garnishes.

165. Splinter’s ResponsibilitySplinter realized he had a big responsibility. He was the

host of the hobo party, and a hobo party was no small thing

to a hobo. This party would take some careful planning,

which Splinter was never very good at.

“Hey there he is!” exclaimed a voice excitedly,

interrupting Splinter’s thoughts. Splinter turned to see an

unkempt looking man hurrying towards him. “I’ve been

looking for you for the last hundred and twelve chapters!”

“Oh have you,” muttered Splinter.

“I finally got all the splinters out of my back,” the man

continued.


“And I’ve kept your board just in case,” he added.“Oh have you,” muttered Splinter.

“And I had a fellah named His Match look for you, truck

driver you know,” he continued.


“And I’ve been searching and searching,” continued theman,

(“Oh have you,” muttered Splinter,)

“And now I’ve found you!” he finished joyfully, and

lovingly embraced the weathered hobo.


“Not for long you haven’t,” Splinter gleeked, and

dodged into a nearby grocery store. He saw Blister

conversing with the manager, so he hid from the strange manin the bathroom.

166. The Blister in Soup’s HeartBlister was quite good at spit plea soup. He headed to

the nearest grocery store.

“I’d like your soup, please,” said Blister to the store

manager.

37



“What kind can I get you sir?” the manager asked

politely.

“The kind with the labels pulled off,” said Blister.

“Ah,” said the manager, and rushed to the soup aisle. He

pulled of the labels of all the soup cans, tossed them in a

grocery cart, and brought them to Blister. (Needless to say,

the manager was new at this.) “That will be $174, sir,” saidthe manager.

“You can’t charge me for un-labeled cans!” exclaimed

Blister. “That’s unlawful.”

“It is?” exclaimed the manager, horrified.

“Yes. In fact, any cans with out labels must be thrown

away,” said Blister, “or they can be given to a hobo

attending a registered hobo party.”

“Oh,” said the manager quietly, for he was close to tears.

“Well, I don’t want to throw them away... Where can I find

a hobo?”

“I know of one!” exclaimed Blister joyfully. The

manager’s face lit up.

“You do?”“Why, yes indeed!”

“Could you bring these to him?” the manager asked.

“Of course,” Blister said, and took the grocery cart withhim, for a grocery cart can be a useful thing to a hobo due to

the fact that it travels well on railroad tracks.

167. The Garnisher of TeethThe Giver of Teeth swung his bag ‘o teeth in a semi

circle. The semi circle was his favorite shape, and he could

often be seen swinging his bag about in this manner.

Suddenly, his teeth flew out of the bag, for it was not a

sturdy bag. “Drat,” muttered the Giver of Teeth as Bom

Valonea took a toothful shower.“Hey, can I have those back?” he asked to the lovely and

beautiful and rotten-teeth covered Bom Valonea.

“You horrid - horrid - thing you!” she cried, flinging the

teeth back. The Giver of Teeth gathered them up eagerly.

“This gives me an idea of what to bring to the hobo party,” the Giver of Teeth chuckled. But before he could

make a move, he was met by a very angry Dan. Dan flung

him into a ditch.

“Teech ya tah mess wid mah garl!” he snarled as he took

Bom Valonea in hand and led her away. The Giver of Teeth

was not too pleased with this development, but he had work

to do. He had a hobo party to attend. He stooped to gather

the rest of his teeth, but before he could make a move, hewas met by a very angry Ruth Valonea.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she snarled.

“Gatherin’ mah teeth,” replied the Giver of Teeth

modestly.

“Oh,” said Ruth. “Do you need any help?”

“Well shore,” said the Giver of Teeth, and they gathered

teeth together. “Say,” said the Giver of Teeth, upon

reflection, “do you know where 1234 Smith Street is?”

“Yes, that’s where Bob Baloney lives!” exclaimed Ruth.

The Giver of Teeth nodded, then began gathering

vegetables.

“These would make some good garnishes for the soup!”

declared the Giver of Teeth.

“What soup!” declared Ruth.

“Spit plea!” declared the Giver of Teeth.“I want some!” declared Ruth.

“Fine with me!” declared the Giver of Teeth. All this

declaring was making the Giver of Teeth very tired, for it is

hard to declare without any teeth. He took a short nap.

Ruth tapped her foot impatiently. The Giver of Teeth woke

up, and Ruth led the way to Bob’s house.

168. The Key to Mastering ManagersThe Keymaster jingled his vast collection of keys

nervously. He checked his money. He had but thirty-seven

cents, mostly in pennies. He hurried to the nearest grocery

store.

“Can I help you?” asked the manager a bit fearfully.“Perhaps you can, perhaps you can,” the Keymaster said

in a low and dangerous voice, and turned around to cruise

the store. The manager kept a close eye on him. The

Keymaster slid to and fro across the aisle labeled “soup” but

could not find any soup. Finally, he returned to the

manager.

“I would be needin’ some soup, ya see,” he said in the

same low and dangerous voice, being sure to keep his hat

low over his eyes just in case the manager had seen his face

on the news.

“Well I don’t be havin’ no soup, ya see,” snapped the

manager. The lost soup wound was still festering in the

poor kid’s heart, and the Keymaster could feel the festering.“Don’t cha be festerin’ now,” said the Keymaster

consolingly. “I’ll gitcha some soup.” The Keymaster let out

a loud and evil laugh.

“BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HAHaHahaha!” he laughed

gutturally. “Soup! Pour old soup! BWAH, HA, HA, HA,HAHaHahaha!”

From that day on, the manager was known as “Soup.” It

became such a problem that the poor lad (who was formerly

known as Amos) had to have his name changed.

“Come along, Soup!” declared the Keymaster. “Yur

commin with me to a hobo party!” The Keymaster calmly

drug Soup out the door.

“But - but - I don’t want to go to a hobo party!” whinedSoup nervously.

“You ever had spit plea soup?” hissed the Keymaster in

Soup’s ear.

“No, sir,” Soup hissed back.

“Well come along then!”

38



169. Joey Meets the Other and the Other Meats Joey

The Other Keymaster was having a hard time finding

Smith Street. Shoeless and Soupless, his only possession a

toothpick, he wandered about the calm residential area, a

purple despair slowly settling over him. Purple was a nice

color for despair, the Other Keymaster had always thought,

because it was a cross between red and blue. Finally, a little

kid noticed the Other Keymaster.

“Hmm,” mused Joey to himself, “Mom and Dad always

said not to talk to strangers.” So he got a notepad and wrote

on it: HEY MR R U LOST?“Heymur rulost?” asked the Other Keymaster. “What

does that mean?”

Joey sighed and shook his head. This time he wrote it

out.

“Oh yeah!” exclaimed the Other Keymaster. “I am lost.

How do I get to Smith Street?” Joey was not sure of the

answer. He wrote on the paper: WAIT HERE. Then he

went home.

Joe and Sally Blow escorted the Other Keymaster to

1234 Smith Street, and as they had no soup, they brought

salt and cayenne pepper.

170. Abbub at the PubAbbub knew where the best food could be obtained.

Without any hesitation, he traversed to Coblin’s Cafe.“What kind of stuff are you people serving here now-a-

days?” he asked Jonah.

“Our special,” said Jonah proudly, “is hedgehog with soy

sauce or a gargling peacock.”

“Well,” said Abbub, casually putting his hands in his pockets, “well.” For Abbub had suddenly realized that his

pockets were empty, and he had no money.

“What can I get you?” asked Jonah.

“I’ll tell you what,” said Abbub with the air that he was

giving Jonah a really great deal, “You can come to our hobo

party if you bring the hedgehog and gargling peacocks.”

“Hobo party?” asked Jonah.

“You ever had spit plea soup?” asked Abbub.

“Uh, no...” said Jonah.

“Well then you’d better come!” declared Abbub. So

Jonah gathered up his hedgehog sandwiches and soy sauce,

Sarah led the seven gargling peacocks, and Abbub switched

the sign on the door from “Yes we’re open!” to “Sorry,we’re closed.”

171. Beware, Lest I Stop the Truck andExit the Railroad

Blister pushed his cart down the railroad tracks,

whistling a happy tune. Just then, he heard someone

coming.

“Somebody’s commin’!” he blurted out gently. Quickly,

he pushed his cart off the tracks, being careful not to tip over

the soup. But he was not quick enough. Jim Match

slammed on the brakes of his big rig and hollered:

“Watcha think yur doin?” out the window.

“I’m go-enng to the ho-bow par-tee!” said Blister with

his eyes closed and wearing his most dignified look.“A hobo party!” exclaimed Jim Match. This would be

the place to find Bob the hobo, Jim reasoned.

“I’ll follow you,” said Jim Match to Blister.

“Verr-ie well!” declared Blister, and led the way. Jim

Match cranked the wheel around and did one of those

beautiful driving maneuvers that only truck drivers can do.

“That was beautiful!” exclaimed Puck, Jim’s trucker

buddy, who was sitting beside him.

“Only a truck driver,” said Jim Match modestly.

“Absolutely,” agreed Puck.

172. The Director “I wonders whereabouts that Bob Baloney fellow is,”

muttered the director. “It’s awfully hard to do a movie

without him. Maybe I’d better go check on him.”

173. The Brave Owl“That sure is a brave owl,” sighed Fred Frank Frowner

as he looked at the owl staying motionless on the top of a

large sign, not to be mistaken for a sigin, and also commonly

known as a billboard.

The Storm raged on and on and the owl stood still. Fred

drank another bowl full of soup as he watched the owl.

“Who, who,” called out Fred, “wants to share soup with me?

Maybe mister owl?!”Then the billboard’s ladder was struck by lightning and

the owl started to fall.

“Fly, fly,” cried Fred pitying the poor owl. He raced

toward it, but it had fallen to the ground. He picked it upand cried out, “Oh no! It has become petrified,” for indeed

the owl was now made of stone, as it had always been, but

Tick didn’t know that, and when Fred had gone on his way

Tick devoured the owl and choked on it.

174. Samantha’s New Pet“Well, that alligator was a pain to lug around, and he

was especially hard to fit in that suitcase, but I’ll miss him.”

Samantha looked at the leech on her leg. “Maybe this will be my new pet, like it was before when I dealt with that

hobo in our house! Yeah, that’s a good idea!”

175. Giggle PensI’m not sure what the price of a giga pet is in other

places, but in Aatrakas ILL. they cost $250.00. Naturally,

they were a huge hit among the youngsters. So when a new

39



commercial came on a TV channel only parents watch, the

parents were only too happy to listen.

“Your kid want a giga pet for his or her birthday?” asked

the announcer.

“Yeah,” muttered Gregory, “but I can’t afford one.”

“They’re a bit expensive, aren’t they?” asked the

announcer.“Yeah,” muttered Gregory.

“How about pretending you thought they said they

wanted a giggle pen. They’re only $3.50! Come on down

to Alaska and get one!” joyously declared the announcer.

“What a great idea,” said Gregory as he wrote down the

address. He then got into his pickup truck and began the

drive to Alaska.

176. Bob Leaves Too“Well, I reckon I ought to leave,” said Bob, and he did.

He walked for several miles until he met a Samantha

Conrad, who was holding a leech in her hand and screaming

something about blood treatment and leach saliva. Notwanting to be a victim of circumstance he quickly jumped

into the back of a slow moving truck, where he fell asleep,

soon to find himself in Gregory’s driveway.

177. Fred Frank Frowner Gets a RideFred Frank Frowner was still mourning over the poor,

pathetic, petrified owl. He walked along the side of the side

of the dusty dirt driveway, a sad, sincere sigh escaping from

his lovely lustrous lips. Just then, a beautiful, boisterous

blue truck cleverly crept into conception, and Fred Frank

Frowner jumped on.

“Hey!” bellowed Bob bravely, “I’ve seen you before!”Gregory grimaced grimly as his truck bounced about.

“I don’t understand,” he mumbled moodily. “I’m drivin’

real slow. Could the shocks be that bad?”

178. The Phathead’s Gift“Hey!” cried Gregory angrily. “There’s a hobo in the

back of my truck!”

“I’m no hobo,” frowned Bob. “I have a house.”

“Sure you do,” snorted Gregory.

“Yeah, 1234 Smith Street, in Aatrakas if you’ve ever

heard of that,” Bob challenged, hoping that this strange and

angry man would bring him home and he could prove to him

that he did, indeed, have a house.“Well, stay right here, I gots ta give my kid his birthday

present.” He got up and went into his front door. In a

moment the eager tearing of wrapping paper could be heard,

then a terrible fearful frightful awful appalling dreadful

horrid sobbing could be heard. Gregory came outside again

and ran into the truck.“Ouch!” cried Gregory as he hit the truck. He then got

into the back and drove Bob home.

179. 1234 Smith StreetSplinter was the first to arrive at 1234 Smith Street, for

he decided it would be a good place to hide from the strange

man who had found him in the bathroom at the grocery

store. Unfortunately, the strange man found him at 1234

Smith Street also.“Don’t you remember me?” Griffen exclaimed.

“Uh, well...” Splinter stalled. “Uh, YES! Of course I

remember you,” Splinter lied.

“Well then why did you keep running away from me?”

asked Griffen in a hurt tone.

“Uh, run away?” Splinter stuttered. “I wasn’t running

away! I was leading you here, yeah that’s it, so you could

come to our hobo party!”“Oh, boy!” said Griffen. “Uh, what’s a hobo party?”

“I’ll tell you if you tell me your name,” Splinter

negotiated.

“Okay,” said Griffen, “my name’s Griffen. What’s

yours?”“My name’s Splinter, and if you want to know what a

hobo party is, just wait and see.” Just then the Keymaster

burst through the door, dragging Soup behind him.

“Look!” exclaimed the Keymaster, “I brought Soup!”

“Well how-de-doody, Soup,” said Splinter, “I’m

Splinter, and this here is Griffen, or so he says.” Soup

glared back in reply. Then Ruth burst through the door, and

the Giver of Teeth tottered in after her.

“Where’s Bob?” asked Ruth.

“On vacation,” replied Splinter. “Who are you?”

“That’s none of your business,” snapped Ruth. Then

Blister pushed in the grocery cart of soup cans, making some

nice tidy little lines on the carpet, followed by Jim Matchwho was followed by Puck.

“Hey, I’ve got an idea,” said Ruth, “let’s make a

welcome home banner for Bob and wait until he gets back!”

“What a great idea, have fun,” said Splinter.

“That is a great idea,” said Jim Match very muchsuspecting that the Mafia hobo would be Bob. Ruth

rummaged round about and found some paper, but could

find no writing utensils.

“I guess I’ll have to use the computer,” said Ruth, and

she did. As she was working, the other guests arrived: the

Other Keymaster, Joe Blow, and Sally Blow.

“Bob should be here soon,” commented Joe, who was

getting tired of waiting. So Splinter turned out the lights andthey all waited in the hushed darkness to surprise Bob.

180. Bob Arrives HomeGregory was unable to pull into Bob’s driveway because

Jim Match’s truck was in the way.

“Looks like you’re havin’ a party!” pronounced Gregory.

40



“Yes,” said Bob, smiling modestly, for he was well

aware that he did not know what was going on, “and you’re

invited! And Fred Frank Frowner too, of course.”

“Fred Frank Frowner?” questioned Gregory nervously.

“You can call me Fred,” said Fred, crawling out of the

back of the truck.

181. The Arrival of The Director “Bob, where have you been lately?” asked the director

angrily.

“I was kidnapped and all, but all is good now, why don’t

you join the party?” asked Bob.

“Why, I believe I shall,” replied the director. Bob

looked nervously toward the door.

“Um, you go in first,” said Bob.“Okay,” said the director. “Tell Gerlando and Bubba

that they can come out of the car now.”

Bob went to the car and tapped on the window.

Gerlando and Bubba peeked out.

“Is it safe?” hissed Bubba.“Probably,” countered Bob.

The two young actors belly-crawled to the house,

following their bold and fearless leader. Fred crept behind

them, and Gregory behind him. Bob followed last, greatly

affeared by the haphazard appearance of his house.

182. EntranceThe tension in the air was so thick that Splinter could

bite into it.

“Ow!” cried Splinter loudly, for he had mistaken his

tongue for the tension. He clapped his hand over his mouth,

remembering to keep silent. “Ow ow ow,” he mumbledquietly.

The director cautiously went down the stairs, a heavy

darkness greeting him below. He could feel the warm,

threatening presence of humans in suspense.“It’s not him,” he whispered to the darkness. Annoyed

groaning ensued, someone flicked on the lights and the

director could see cameras lowering in disappointment.

“But he’s coming,” he added. Quickly, the lights were

flicked back off, and the tense silence darkened the room

once more.

Gerlando and Bubba belly-flopped down the stairs, a

heavy darkness greeting them below. They were too

concerned with the bruises they were receiving on their bodies to notice the thick, dark silence that enveloped the

chasm below. Suddenly, Bubba lost his balance and rolled

down the stairs!

“OWWWW!” screamed Gerlando in agony as Bubba

landed on his head. Bubba scrampled off of his fellow

actor, lunging toward the gaping tenseness in the room

below. He was quickly devoured by it. Gerlando paused in

the doorway, wondering what had become of the poor

entertainer. Then he too foolishly entered the thirsty jowls

of the thickening silence.

Bob stood in front of his house, watching Fred and

Gregory disappear through the door. He was mildly

worried, wondering what had happened to Gerlando to cause

him to scream bloody murder, and why the others had not

returned. He waited tensely, anticipating an arrival, butwhen he could wait no longer, Bob too entered the house.

183. Entrance ContinuedBob trembled down the stairs, and trembled at the

landing. He could feel the dark tension lurking beyond the

doorway, but he knew he must enter to save the five before

him. But he was ready. Bob pulled the Crookes tube out of

his shirt pocket, knowing that there was a vat of acidsomewhere around there. If that didn’t work, he always had

his electric cattle prod. He stepped into the room bravely.

“SURPRISE!” cried the guests, except for Gerlando and

Bubba, who were bound and gagged in a corner (no one

wanted them to spoil the party). Splinter turned on thelights. Bob flourished his cattle prod.

“Don’t move!” he hissed harshly, jabbing at Splinter

with the prod turned off.

“You’ll never get away with this you cattle smuggler!”

The two glared at each other for a moment. Then Bob

noticed the soup.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Spit plea soup,” scowled Splinter.

“Welcome home Bob!” said Ruth. “Do you like the sign

I made on your computer?”

“It’s nice,” said Bob.

“Well!” declared Blister. “Shall the party begin?” And

so it did. The Giver of Teeth dished up soup, offering teethfor aid in digestion. Jonah spread soy sauce on the

hedgehog sandwiches, and Sarah directed the seven gargling

peacocks in melody to Mozart’s “Turkish March.” Bob

turned on his “Sailboat Journey” CD, for the gargling

peacocks were a bit harsh, and everyone enjoyed the spit plea soup.

184. The Taming of the Shrink i

Act I

Setting: The living room of 1234 Smith Street during a

large and rambunctious hobo party. “Sailboat Journey”

music is playing.[Enter The Shrink of Aatrakas ]

Shrink : I seest that thou art making merry.

Splinter : Lookest, friends, ‘tis the vet of Aatrakas!

Shrink : I am no vet, art thou blind?!?! [Hits

him]

I am a shrink, that is clear to see!

Bob: Yea, verily, but it is not clear here in the sea!

Shrink : I’ll not take this! Floundered hound, I’ll make thee

clear! [Hits him]

41



Gregory: You’d best beware; the Shrink of Aatrakas is curst

indeed.

Splinter : That seems plain.

Gregory: Aye, but have you a malady, and you’d best see

him.

Splinter : Why, for the life of me, I’ll not see him!

Blister : He’s too rough for me.Gregory: Gentlemen, importune me no farther,

For how I firmly am resolved you know:

That is, not to bestow my doctoring skills

Before I have a patient for the Shrink.

Shrink : I pray you, sir, is it your will

To make a stale of me amongst these patients?

Blister : Patients, shrink? How mean you that? None for you,

Unless you were of gentler, milder mold.

Bob [aside]: I believe this shrink needs be tamed.

[To

Gregory]

I am a gentleman of Aatrakas, sir,

That, hearing of the Shrink’s wisdom and wit,His kind manners and expertise in profession,

His wondrous qualities and mild behavior,

Am bold to show myself a forward guestWithin my house, to make mine eye the witness

Of that report which I so oft have heard.

Gregory: Very well, sir, you may see the Shrink.

[Exunt all but Bob and Shrink, as fast as can be]

Shrink : So telleth me of thine problems.

Bob: Uhh... well...

Shrink : Well? I foresee that thine problems are deep, dark,

and wet.

Bob: Deep and dark they may be,

But wet we’ll never see.Shrink : That I’ll try. [Pours bucket of water on him]

Bob: I swear I’ll cuff you, if you wet me again.

Shrink : So may you loose your arms. [Pulls out knife]

Bob: Husht, master, here’s some good pastime toward.

That shrink is stark mad or wonderful forward.

Shrink : What say thou?

Bob: Never mindeth. Preethee, let us outside.

[Exunt]

Act II

Setting: Driveway of 1234 Smith Street

Bob: How bright and goodly shines the moon!

Shrink : The moon? The sun. It is not moonlight now.

Bob: I say it is the moon that shines so bright.Shrink : I know it is the sun that shines so bright.

Bob: Now, by my mother’s son, and that’s myself,

It shall be moon, or star; or what I list,

Or ere I journey out-of-doors. --

Go on, we shall go back again--

Evermore crossed and crossed, nothing but crossed!

Shrink : Foward, I pray, since we have come so far,And be it moon, or sun, or what you please;

And if you please to call it a candle,

Henceforth I vow it shall be so for me.

Bob: I say it is the moon.

Shrink : I know it is the moon.

Bob: Nay, then you lie. It is the blessed sun.

Shrink : Then, God be blest, it is the blessed sun.

But sun it is not when you say it is not,And the moon changes even as your mind.

What you will have it named, even that it is,

And so it shall be so for the Shrink of Aatrakas.

Bob: Well, foward, foward, thus the bowl should run,

And not unluckily against the bias.

But, soft! Company is coming here.

[Enter Splinter]

[To Splinter] Good morrow, gentle mistress. Where

away--

Tell me, learned shrink, and tell me truly too,

Hast thou beheld a fresher gentlewoman?

Such war of white and red within her cheeks!

What stars do spangle heaven with such beautyAs those two eyes become that heavenly face?--

Fair lovely maid, once more good day to thee.--

Good shrink, greet her for her beauty’s sake.

Shrink : Young budding virgin, fair and fresh and sweet,

Whither away, or where is thy abode?

Happy the parents of so fair a child!

Happier the man whom favorable stars

Allots thee for his lovely bedfellow!

Bob: Why, how now, Shrink? I hope thou art not mad.

This is a man, old, wrinkled, faded, withered,

And not a maiden, as thou sayst he is.

Shrink : Pardon, old father, my mistaking eyes,

That have been so bedazzled with the sunThat everything I look on seemeth green.

Now I perceive thou art a reverend father.

Pardon, I pray thee, for my mad mistaking.

Splinter : ‘Tis no matter. But I do feel

A maiden blush bepainting my cheek.

Hence will I to my ghostly father’s cell,

His help to crave, and my dear hap to tell. [Exit

Splinter]

Shrink : Help, I’m slipping!

Bob: I’m getting out of here!

[Exit Bob, as fast as can be]

[ Exit Shrink, slipping]

Act IIISetting: same as Act I

[Enter Shrink ]

Splinter : Lookest, friends, ‘tis the Shrink of Aatrakas!

Shrink : Nay, Shrink am I no longer;

For now I am a vet, none wronger.

I have been humbled, ‘tis true,

And sing a new tune I do.

Splinter : How comest this marvelous change?

42





“Now you’re gonna die,” he snarled to Jason. Jason gazed

at Flattop with upturned wandering eyes, Bambi eyes.

“Well, okay, so you won’t really die, but you’ll get it real

good,” said Flattop. And then Flattop and Jason began to

fight. Unfortunately for our hero, Jason had the upper hand.

Until Rounda joined the fight, that is. With one fell swoop,

Rounda had Jason knocked to his feet. Then she begansmashing her small rounded fists into his face.

“If you’re such a good fighter, why didn’t you beat up Jason

a long time ago?” asked Flattop.

“Good question,” said Rounda, and when she had finished

with Jason she beat up Flattop.

189. Liquid LifeCarl looked around. Where could Flattop be. “Stupid

kid,” he murmured. “Probably somewhere eating hedgehog

sandwiches with soy sauce. Hey! I know where to get

those,” said Carl as he felt a rumblin’ in his stummy (slang

for stomach/tummy).

“What’s it gonna be?” asked Sarah.“I’ll have a few gargling peacocks to go with a hedgehog

sandwich,” replied Flattop casually.

“With or without soy sauce?”

“The peacocks, or the sandwiches?”

“Both.”

“Hmm. No soy sauce for the peacocks, but some for the

sandwiches.”

“What shall the peacocks gargle then?” asked Sarah.

Flattop thought carefully. “Maybe just some sulfur-”

“What!!?” yelled Jonah, who had come into the room.

“-water,” finished Flattop.

“Oh,” said Jonah, and went to get some.

Carl burst into the room. “Quick, where’s Flattop?” heasked hastily.

“Righta heres, boss. Cares fors eh pearl?” asked Flattop.

“Flatty!!” cried Carl, “what’s it mean when your sister

says, ‘Hey, Carl, look at my mustache?’ to yas?”

“Hmm,” said Flattop, “seemses t a me’s, thats itsameanes shes in loves with tha guy naxt ta her, to her left,

named Bob, yas, that’d hafta be is name, if she said

mustache, now if shes a saidses fingernail hairs, his name

would be Joe, as in Joes Conrad.”

“That reminds me, I’ve got a meeting,” said Carl. “Se ya

round.”

“Yas, and I’llsa sees yas square.”

“Gimme anoder shot o’ that liquid life stuff,” said a notvery sober Flattop.

“I think you’ve had enough for today,” replied Sarah.

190. The Meeting“So, Carl, what can you tell me about this?” asked

George Khan, Chief of Police.

“Well, we’ve been getting a few reports in.” Carl handed

George Khan, Chief of Police the documentation.

“Hmm,” George Khan, Chief of Police mused as he

studied the papers. “Seems to me that...” He squinted at the

page he was holding, shook his head, and pulled a pair of

reading glasses out of his front pocket. He adjusted them on

the bridge of his nose and squinted at the page again. “It

seems to me that the rate law of a chemical reaction can only

be determined experimentally but the rate law holds true for any reaction, regardless of concentration, but... ah, here’s

the catch, the constant k can change with temperature!”

“Oh, sorry,” Carl mumbled, snatching the paper out of

George Khan’s hand. “Wrong documentation.” Carl made

a hasty retreat to get the correct papers.

191. Roundtop“Yas can’t be callin’ be Flattop no mor,” said Flattop to

Carl when he stormed into Coblin’s Cafe, “cuz I jus got an

haircut.” And sure enough, Flattop’s once flattened haircut

had been mercilessly butchered into what looked like a

mangled hedgehog.

“Fine then,” snapped Carl, “I’ll call you Roundtop.”“Yas, dad be fine,” said Roundtop, still recovering from

the last bout of Liquid Life.

192. The Evil Nemesis“Well, Brain,” said Jason, “I think we can take over the

world together.”

“Your theory is very interesting,” said the brainstorming

machine, “but what is your name?”

“Just call me... Thumbkin.”

“How about Thumby?”

“That’ll work.”

193. Thumby and the Brain“It’s Thumby, it’s Thumby and The Brain, storm, ing,

ma,chine,” said the announcer laughing hysterically. Then

he pulled off his mask, and there, lo and behold, to

Roundtop’s surprise, maskless, right on TV, in front of

millions of viewers, including Roundtop, was Jason. “We’re

gonna take over earth, folks, and I’m gonna help, because

it’s a we, not a me. He he he! And now for a display of our

power!” Then all the televisions all over the world short

circuited. Including George Khan’s TV. This annoyed

George Khan, and he jumped into his squad car and sped to

the station.

194. Speeding TicketGeorge Khan was none to happy to get a speeding ticket

for Joe Conrad. He was so unhappy, in fact, that he wasvery unhappy. He was unhappy indeed. Rather obsessively

unhappy. So very unhappy. Just making sure the point is

gotten across. George Khan got out of his police car.

44



“Well, Conrad, old boy, I hope you’re happy you’ve

caught such a desperate criminal,” said George Khan, Chief

of Police, his voice tinged with sarcasm.

“There’s sure to be a promotion in it for me,” said

Conrad, not catching on to the sarcasm in Khan’s voice.

“Yes, a promotion as official doughnut getter for the rest

of the year!” thundered George Khan.“Well, here’s your ticket.” Conrad handed Khan his

ticket.

Khan was ticked about his ticking ticket. “Why is this

ticket ticking?” he asked, developing a tick in his right eye.

He brushed a tick off his leg.

“Hmm, I dunno,” said Conrad.

“Well, I sure ain’t tickled pink about it.”

195. The BriefcaseJason opened his briefcase a crack. “You gettin’ enough

air in there?” he asked the briefcase.

“No, open wider,” a voice came out of the briefcase.

“Can’t,” muttered Jason, “they may see you.”The tall man in the elevator, however, only heard the

first statement about air. “One of those breathing briefcases,

eh, buddy?” the man nudged Jason.

“Don’t touch me, pal,” growled Jason. He then sent a

telepathic message to his horse, “cummon ya ol horse,

whack the tall man.” Jason’s horse crashed through the

elevator door. He then fell down until he landed on the

elevator. All the cables snapped and the elevator fell. Jason

and the tall man were both sent to the hospital. The horse

escaped with minor injuries. The brainstorming machine in

the briefcase was smashed to smithereens.

196. Jason Gets a Visit“Well, Jason, we’re going to have to arrest you for trying

to take over the world, and killing millions of televisions in

the process,” said Carl.“Yes,” said Roundtop.

“But...” Jason thought hard. “But, I didn’t go on TV!!

That was my twin brother, Jakeyboy, or Jake, rather.”

“Oh,” said Carl.

“Gee,” said Roundtop.

“Is anybody else hungry?” asked George Khan.

“I am,” said Carl.

“Not now,” said Roundtop.

“Well, we’ll see you around,” said George Khan.Suddenly, he burst out laughing. They all looked at him

questioningly. “Around! Get it!!? Roundtop!”

“Wait!” cried Roundtop. “If Jason is telling the truth

then how come there’s a smashed brainstorming machine in

his briefcase?”

“Later, Roundtop,” said Carl. “Right now, we’re

hungry.”

197. So They Eat“Gimme a liquid life,” muttered Roundtop.

“Sure Fred.”

“Name’s Roundtop.”

“Right, Ryan.”

Roundtop gulped the liquid life down.

198. School Adventures“Matt,” said Adam breathlessly, “We must find an Exil.”

“Exil?” asked Matt. “What’s that?”

“I don’t know, but it’s our homework assignment.”

Matt looked at the board. He took notes. “These must be clues,” he said. Rachel looked at Matt’s paper.

“What’s Exil?” she asked.

“Our homework assignment,” said Adam.

“Homework?” asked Zack. “What homework?”

“We have to find an Exil,” answered Rachel. “These are

clues.” Matt studied his paper with the notes:

Matt Chomseom

“I don’t know about this funny equation stuff,” said

Matt, “coso 53 over 2 jsino equals negative one half.”

“I can do some math,” said Adam. “53 over 2 is 26.5.”

“Yeah! And negative one half is negative point five,”

Matt chimed in. He re-wrote the clue: coso26.5jsino = -.5

“Hey,” said Ruth. “Look at this. Jsino. Say it out loud.

It sounds like Jason -o!”

A deathly chill settled over the group. “Jason? Isn’t that

Thumby’s real name? Is... is Mr. Guttersnaks trying to take

over the world?” whispered Zack fearfully.

“Yes,” said Zack grimly. “Our only hope is to conquer Mr. Guttersnaks and Thumby and the Brainstorming

machine with the Exil.”

“But where do we get Exil?” asked Ruth again. Zack

studied the notes on Matt’s paper.“I’ll bet this “z” stands for Zack,” mumbled Zack

angrily.

“And the “a” stands for Adam,” added Adam grimly.

“And the “r” for Ruth,” continued Ruth fearfully.

“I’ll bet that weird picture is a map,” Matt said

insightfully.

“Hey, yeah!” exclaimed the other four.

“And this coso 26.5... must be some kind of

measurement to go along with the map. But what’s coso?”asked Matt.

“Matt,” said Zack, his voice low and eagar, “What’s

your last name?”

“Chomseom,” said Matt. “You knew that.” Zack took

Matt’s paper and crossed out every other letter in Matt’s last

name. The remaining letters were C-O-S-O! Matt gasped in

horror.

45



“All of our names are hidden on this assignment,” said

Zack in a low voice. “Matt, Adam, Ruth, and myself.” Matt

quickly re-drew the clues:

“That’s much simpler,” commented Ruth. Just then, theharsh clangling loud bell interrupted the faithful four as they

fought to save the world.

“Let’s meet at my house after school,” said Adam, and

they left.

199. The Quart of Law“Welcome to the quartroom, kids, what can I do for

you?” asked the judge.“We’re looking for the Ex-ouch! Hey, why’d you pin-

ouch! Stop it!”

“We’ll be right back,” muttered Adam to the judge. He

took Zack outside. “Look, Zack, we can’t just go around

telling people we’re trying to save the world. Guttersnaks’llknow we’re on to him!”

“We need superhero outfits!”

“Hey yeah, where can we get some?”

“Guttersnak’s Costume store!”

“Think for a second there.”

“Oh yeah.”

“We’ll have to make them ourselves.”

“Right.”

200. The Merchant of AatrakasSplinter and Blister were taking an afternoon stroll

through the supermarket. As you probably well knowalready, supermarkets have air conditioning. So it is natural

for a hobo to go inside one on a hot summer day. Besides,

they have free samples.

“Come getcher cheese samples!”“Cometh and getteth thine own samples of holistic

healing powder.”

“Look, my friend, ‘tis the vet of Aatrakas,” sayth

Splinter to his friend Blister.

“Nay, my friend, a vet be I not. I am a merchant. And a

great and humble one at that. I seeith thou hast a leech

wound. Rubbing this holistic healing powder on it will heal

it instantly!”

“A free sample, my friendly foe, that I’ll try!” exclaimethSplinter happily.

The merchant of Aatrakas then tooketh the salt out of a

large bag labeled “Ye Olde Holistic Healing Powder cubes”

and rubbeth it onto Splinter’s wound.

“Pain it is, and a pain that is great. About that there is no

debate!” hollerth Splinter.

“Ha ha ha” laughth the merchant of Aatrakas as he

vanisheth in a puff of red smoke.

201. A Vet Again“We must stopth him!” crieth Splinter in great pain.

“Leave it to mineself, good sir. I belive he shalt be

found hiding under that table over tharth!”

And they lookth.

“We hath found him!”

“Spare me, good sirs, for I am a lowly servant of thegreat Mustard Maniac, doing his bidding as he forces me!”

“Thou liest,” sayst Blister and smote the merchant on the

head.

“Nay, hit him not,” sayst Splinter as he taketh the shelf

that had not yet been sandpapered. Splinter then taketh the

shelf and runneth it across the merchants back.

“A merchant I am no more,” screameth the vet of

Aatrakas in agony, “A vet I am I say.”

202. Superhero Costumes“I can use this fishbowl for a helmet!” said Zack.

“Right, if anyone punches you in the face then you’ll

have an effective shield of glass!” said Adam rolling his

eyes. “Look, use this underwater diving helmet.”

203. Is This The End For Thumby and the

Brainstorming Machine?“I dunno about this show, boss,” said the producer to the

director.

“Which one?” asked the director.

“The one about Thumby and the Brain. I don’t like the

way it resolves, ya know? The dues ex machina thing, it just

don’t work too well.”

“Hmmm,” said the director, not knowing what dues ex

machina was. “Yes, that’s a good point.”

“So let’s re-do it, no dues ex machina this time.”

“Uh,” said the director, “Let’s not and say we did.

Besides, I have to concentrate on “School Adventures,” and

then I’d like to get back on the Zoloft series. Maybe I’ll just

ditch the Thumby and the Brain.”

“Say, that Soloft has been a real hit, huh?”

“That’s Zoloft, you fool!” bellowed the director.

“Yeah, right, yeah, I was thinkin’ to name my new drug

after it.”

“Whatever,” scowled the director. He was not very fond

of the producer.

“I think the Thumby and the Brainstorming Machine was

a good start though,” pondered the producer.

“Rats!” cried the director as he jammed his finger into a

stapler.

“Yes, rats! Thumby and the Brainstorming Machineshould be rats!”

“Just leave my TV series alone!” cried the director, his

face (and his finger) green with rage and purple with envy.

The producer stood up with great energy.

46



“Well if THAT’S the way your going to be!!!” he

exclaimed, “then I quit! I’ll make my own TV series!”

“Fine!” snapped the director, “you do that.”

And so he did. But most people don’t know about his

short-lived career when he worked with the GREAT and

WONDERFUL BOB BALONEY!!!!!

204. The Zoloft Monster Soon a new medication came out called Zoloft. It was

an antidepressant. Everyone wanted to try it. They wanted

to try it even more than Prozac, a big named medication.

This was because they thought it would, slowly but surely,

turn them as big as a big ol’ Zoloft Monster. Why did they

think that? Well it was because of a person named...

Big Ralph.He was big all right.

Really big.

He looked at the building standing as tall as he was.

Yep, he was big.

205. Big Ralph...looked around at the buildings. He gave one a push. It

toppled down taking several others with it. He laughed

triumphantly. He then noticed that the producer was looking

at him funny. He also noticed that the producer was as big

as he was.

“Wow, you’re almost as big as I am,” he said pointing to

the producer. The camera swept over to look at the

producer.

“Cut, cut!” he yelled angrily, for he was the director

here. Or rather, the other director. “What’s this joker doing

on the set? Somebody get him off!”“Er, gotta go!” declared Big Ralph as he jumped

talentedly with ease over a myriad of buildings and made his

daring escape. A lot of things had happened since he had

started taking Zoloft. He had to tell his friends about thisalthough he was normal sized again now he noticed as he

went out the back door.

206. A Fearful Danger Big Baldy looked around. He was big all right.

Big Baldy looked around at the buildings. He gave one

a push. It toppled down taking several others with it. He

laughed triumphantly. He then noticed that the producer

was looking at him funny. He also noticed that the producer was as big as he was.

“Wow, you’re almost as big as I am,” he said pointing to

the producer. The camera swept over to look at the

producer.

“What the heck is going on here!!?” asked the producer

angrily. “This is the second time that this happened today!”Big Baldy, not sure what was happening, pushed another

building over. Sparks came out of the bottom of it as all the

lights inside flickered off. “Well,” he said, “If you hadn’t

been working on that size proportion machine like I

suggested-” although he was quite unsure what he was

talking about. Suddenly, he saw the Zoloft monster. It was

right next to him, giving him an evil toothy grin!

“Er, hey there, Zollyoftly ol’ fellow!” declared Big

Baldy a tad bit nervously.“This is my scene,” said the Zoloft monster without

moving his mouth, “get out of here!”

“Er, right! Bye now.” Big Baldy made a hasty exit for

the back door.

207. News Time Again!Annoying banjo music that really wasn’t very good

played in the background as the announcer spoke. “So thedebate rages. Now, on to have our three guests debate as to

whether Zoloft, the new medication, causes people to grow

in size.

“So, Big Ralph. How do you know that the medication

actually made you change sizes? I mean, no reports of agiant person changing sizes shoving down buildings has

been reported.” The words ‘Professional Person’ appeared

under his face as he spoke.

“Well, it’s very simple, really,” replied Big Ralph as the

words ‘Ralph Deploma’ appeared under his face. “In

meaning that I saw it happen myself. You see, I am a simple

person. And in being simple, I know what I see.”

“Er, yes...” the professional person paused for a moment

trying to remember his question for Baldy. “Oh yes,” he

said suddenly remembering, “So, Big Baldy, why do you

think that the medication doesn’t cause one to grow to

propartinally large sizes?”

“Well, It’s quite simple, really,” began Big Baldy as thewords Bob Bargigathon appeared next to his face. With a

wave of his hand he hit the letters and they went flying

away. “Oops. Sorry,” he muttered.

“Keep talking,” someone whispered.

“Right, the answer is plain and simple. Plainly simple infact,” he said as he tried to remember what the plainly

simple answer was. “I don’t take Zoloft, but you see, I too

grew to proportionally big sizes. In fact, I actually saw the

Zoloft monster. In fact, it talked to me without moving its

mouth!”

“This is quite a claim, as it would be hard to believe the

Zoloft monster exists. How come nobody else saw it?”

asked the professional person.“Because they weren’t my size, DUH! Helloooo here!”

yelled Big Baldy angrily.

“Er, yes. Well,” the professional person tugged at his

collar getting more and more nervous as the session went on.

“Are you taking any medication?”

“Yes,” Big Baldy answered. “I take medication for

being Bi-Polar. My emotions go from here to there, all over

47



everywhere,” he said with a pleasant smile alight up to the

very corners of his face.

“Could you be a little more clear?” asked the

professional person.

“Yes,” frowned Big Baldy. “I go from happy to sad.

Angry to joyful, and such and such.” He was growing a bit

more tedious now.“Must not be working,” growled Big Ralph.

“Well, I haven’t taken it since that Zoloft incident.”

“Okay, here’s my idea,” said the professional person,

“Maybe something in both of your medications has the same

thing in it that makes you both grow!” he exclaimed in an

effort to calm them down.

“Well, we’re out of time!” lied the professional person.

“See you folks next time,” he gestured at the camera.

208. Later in the Newsroom“What a disaster!” exclaimed the Big Important Guy,

“Next time don’t hang the letters so close to the people.

And hurry up and get those strings untangled. Geeze, I wishwe could afford editing sometimes. I’m not doing that live

again!” He turned to look at the professional person. “And

you! What the heck was that about being out of time!!? We

had half an hour left and only four commercials to show.

We had to show them over and over again! That’s it! I

quit!” he hollered when the professional person didn’t

answer him. “I’m going to go become a chemist!”

209. The FairiesBob turned off the television in disgust. “Stupid shows!

Nothing good ever comes on anymore!” pouted Bob angrily.

Fairies danced around Bob’s head. “Bob, Bob!” theywhispered.

Bob looked around. He watched the fairies and listened

to their echoing voices as they called his name. Finally he

got a bit fed up with them. “Whaddya’ want!?” he askedirritably.

“Bob, Bob!” they whispered more softly.

“Hmm,” mused Bob to the phading fantoms, “perhaps

five days without sleep is a bit much.” So Bob went to bed

and fell into a deep dreamless coma. Okay, so it wasn’t

exactly a coma, but when Bob’s boss called at three in the

morning to warn him that he was late for work, Bob didn’t

hear the phone ringing. This was partially due to the fact

that Bob had accidentally knocked the phone off the hook inhis fumbling to find his bed in the dark and partially due to

the fact that Bob was snoring loudly. But regardless, Bob

did not wake up until three in the morning the next day.

Bob’s boss, the director, was not too happy about all this,

but since Bob was a famous actor he didn’t want to fray his

nerves. His own, of course, not Bob’s. The director could

care less about Bob’s nerves.

210. The Headache Pill“Need a headache? Maybe a migraine? Of course ya

don’t, ya durn fool! But maybe ya knowses someone whos a

doeses! Slip this cheap $10 pill into their drink and watch

the magic work!”

“I forgot to tell you Bob, we did a little commercial in

your absence,” the director commented.“I see,” said Bob.

211. Horse StallsFor days Carol dreamed of flying. Irene didn’t notice

Carol’s jealous stares. Irene did know that Carol was a fattyand shouldn’t eat Moose Tracks ice cream or cookies or

cake. But Carol ate it anyway and became even more of a

fatty! Little did Carol know that it would take hair down to

her ankles before it could lift her enormous weight!!! That

was only one of Carol’s many problems with her monstrous

weight. Another one was that she had to have a special chair

to sit in at the dinner table so she wouldn’t break the normal

ones! Carol had tried to loose weight before but was too

lazy to really do it and she ate sweets and fatty foods

anyway! This would take drastic measures folks!!!

The man with the red face slammed his fist into the

keyboard. ikmikikikmuhiujhik mik,k,iuoio , *beep*

“I thought I told you kids to stop stalling ninety-four

chapters ago!” he thundered.

“Uh...” stuttered the kid who had received two

marvelous haircuts within this time period.

“Hey, mind your own business!” snapped the fat girl

whose hair was not currently in the familiar ponytail. “It’s

our durn story, we kin take as long as we like!”

Red face frowned heavily. “Well!” he demandedtriumphantly, “why is this chapter called Horse Stalls? Huh,

Smartie, can you answer that?”

“Maybe cuz I wanted to call it Horse Stalls,” replied the

fat girl nonchalantly. “And after all, we’ve mentionedturtles and hedgehogs and Zoloft monsters in our story, I

figured we needed a horse or two. But you have given me a

good idea!”

“Yeah right, it’ll be the first one yet!” glowered the

angry man.

SmartieOnce in the land of long ago and far away, there lived a

rather humorous lad named Smartie. Everyone in the land

of long ago and far away thought that Smartie was rather

48



humorous. However, they were not aware of the fact that

Smartie loved candy. Smartie loved candy. Now you are

aware of the fact, although the people of the land of long

ago and far away are not. Smartie loved to play jokes on

people. One such person was Bob Baloney, which is what

our story today is about. However, I’m getting ahead of

myself. Smartie’s jokes often resulted in him obtainingcandy for himself. Smartie loved to obtain candy for

himself, which is why he played so many jokes on people.

Smartie was not actually a humorous lad, he simply liked

candy. Therefore, the people of the land of long ago and far

away had been deceived. But, that is not the point of our

story. The point is - well, there really isn’t a point, and I

hope you are only reading this story for your personal

entertainment because you’re not going to get much else out

of it, if even that. There. Fair warning. Okay. Now, our

story today is about the joke Smartie pulled on Bob Baloney

to obtain candy for himself.

“Hi, Bob Baloney,” Smartie said casually.

“Hi, Smartie,” Bob Baloney replied in return. Smartiesmirked.

“I’ll bet you don’t know what a water balloon is,”

Smartie said. Bob Baloney laughed, much humored.“Well, as a matter of fact, I do know what a water

balloon is,” Bob Baloney replied, for he had one with him,

right in his back pocket.

“Oh, yeah?” said Smartie. “Let’s go to McDonalds. My

treat.” Bob Baloney nodded, wanting to be further humored

by Smartie, who, if you recall, was considered humorous by

the people of the land of long ago and far away. So Smartie

and Bob Baloney went into McDonalds and ordered value

meal #1 and value meal #5. Smartie ate value meal #5,

although Bob Baloney ordered it, and Bob Baloney wasforced to eat value meal #1, which was very disgusting. Bob

Baloney wasn’t too pleased about it, neither was he pleased

when he sat down, for the water balloon in his back pocket

burst, leaving his pants quite wet. Smartie seemed to find

this especially humorous, as did the other people in

McDonalds, but Bob Baloney was not humored at all. And,

the value meal #1 was disgusting. Bob Baloney left

McDonalds feeling rather furious at Smartie, and Smartie

left the McDonalds wanting some candy. He never got any,

however. Moral: if you want candy from Bob Baloney,

don’t eat his value meal or cause him to sit on the water

balloon in his back pocket. It will not humor him.

Perhaps you yourself, the reader of this short story, werenot humored by it. I am terribly sorry if this is the case.Even I myself will say that it was a rather poor story, and I

sympathize with you if you, the reader, were not humored. I

do indeed understand. But now you have read it, and wasted

that much more of your time doing so. But did I not state at

that. There. Fair warning. Yes, those were my words

exactly. Perhaps later I will write a good story, or a

humorous story at least, or a story that at least makes sense,

at a later date. For the present, you shall have to bear with

this. If you have even bothered to read this far. Well, I

suppose this story had better end soon, seeing as it is already

too long for the type of story it is. Well, I hope you couldfind it in your heart to forgive me for writing such a terrible

story, and read one of my better ones some day.The End

“What sort of baloney is this?” thundered the now

purple-faced man, but he received no response but laughter.

Documents

The Many Adventures of Bob