“The Zanders’ book of practices has mademy life one of infinite possibility.Eachday,sincereadingit,hasbeenperfect.Theimplicationsforcorporateandpoliticallifeareextraordinary.”

—WARRENBENNIS,DistinguishedProfessorofBusiness,UniversityofSouthernCalifornia,andAuthorofManagingtheDreamandOnBecomingaLeader

“This isawise,uplifting,and importantwork,aseamlessblendof insightandinspiration, personal revelations, and stories drawn from the worlds of art,psychology,business,andpolitics.BenandRozZandermakeanextraordinaryteam—theirenergy,passion,andfundamentalcommitmenttohumanevaluesareabsolutelycontagious.”

—DORISKEARNSGOODWIN,HistorianandPulitzerPrize–winningAuthorofNoOrdinaryTime:FranklinandEleanorRoosevelt:TheHomeFrontinWorldWarII

“In the presence of either Zander, one’s spirit soars. Now they reveal theirsecretsinadeeplysatisfyingbook.Iguaranteeyou’llbeinspired.”

—GAILSHEEHY,AuthorofNewPassagesandHillary’sChoice

“ThepassionateenergypermeatingTheArtofPossibilityisatrueforceforeveryreaderforself-developmentandlifefulfillment.”

—KLAUSSCHWAB,FounderandPresident,WorldEconomicForum

“Rosamund and Benjamin Zander bring their conspicuous energy to bear onthosepossibilities,latentinusall,tomakealifeandnotjustaliving.Inmusicasinlife,practiceiswhatittakestogetitright,andwiththeinsightfultutelageoftheZanders,practicemayindeedmakeperfect.”

—REVERENDPETERJ.GOMES,PuseyMinisterinTheMemorialChurch,HarvardUniversity

“TheArtofPossibilitymakesahumaneandbrilliantfuturepossible.Itrulywanteveryone to read this book—it opens us to the treasure of our great humancapacity for creativity. These practices are simple yet extraordinarily effectivefortappingintotheunlimitedenergyofthehumanimagination.”

—MARGARETJ.WHEATLEY,AuthorofLeadershipandtheNewScience,CoauthorofASimplerWay,andPresident,TheBerkanaInstitute

“I love this book. It is provocative, instructive, and uplifting. The ideas andpractices in it are about creating and engagingnewpossibilities in life. It is aboontoreadersasaguidetotheirpersonaldevelopment,aswellasaresourceforhelpingthemtoleadothers.TheArtofPossibilityisagem.”

—PETERJ.FROST,EdgarF.KaiserChairofOrganizationalBehavior,UniversityofBritishColumbia

“For one relatively brief period in the history of philosophy, namely, theHellenistic age, philosophers saw their job as a practical one: theywanted tohelppeoplethinkabouttheirlivesandtheworldinawaythatwouldmakethemhappier andmore fulfilled. The Zanders are clear about the fact that they areofferingtoolsratherthananswers,andstimulationratherthancomfort.Buttheirprojecthasmuchincommonwiththatnowalmostabandonedtherapeuticstraininphilosophy,andnoshortageofnewideas.”

—ANTHONYGOTTLIEB,AuthorofTheDreamofReason:AHistoryofPhilosophyfromtheGreekstotheRenaissance,andExecutiveEditor,TheEconomist

“This elegantly written book presents a series of practices that begin withacceptance and harmony rather than strategy and maneuvering. The Art ofPossibility is also a chronicle of a unique life partnership, told in colorfulparables.BenandRozZanderare innovators,andtheyaregenerouswith theirsecrets. All musicians learn that they must do more than survive defeats andrejections—theymusttransformthem.TheZandersopenbrightnewavenues,leadingus intoa lessdriven,morehabitableworld litbyhumor,patience,and

compassion.”

—JOHNHARBISON,PulitzerPrize-winningComposer

“ReadingTheArtofPossibility islikecompletingaseriesofmusiclessonsforthe soul.Readerswill recognizenot only that they can createwhollynew lifeformsforthemselves,butthattheseformsactuallyaltertheaudiencesforwhomtheyplay.Andthegreatthingis,nooneistonedeaf.TheArtofPossibilityhascapturedme,andIembraceit!”

—THOMASJ.COTTLE,PsychologistandProfessorofEducation,BostonUniversity

CopyrightSome of the names of real individuals have been disguised to protect theirconfidentiality or privacy. In all other cases, real names have been used withauthorization.

“IDwell inPossibility” byEmilyDickinson is reprinted by permission of thepublishers and the trustees of Amherst College, from The Poems of EmilyDickinson,ThomasH.Johnson,editor,Cambridge,Mass.:TheBelknapPressofHarvardUniversityPress, copyright©1951, 1955, 1979by thePresident andFellowsofHarvardCollege.Quotation fromDr.Martin LutherKing, Jr., is reprinted by arrangementwithTheHeirs to theEstateofMartinLutherKing, Jr., c/oWritersHouse, Inc., asagent for theproprietor.Copyright1963byMartinLutherKing, Jr., copyrightrenewed1991byCorettaScottKing.

Quotation from the movie Babe is from Babe, directed by Chris Noonan,producedbyGeorgeMiller,DougMitchell,andBillMiller.Copyright©1995UniversalCityStudiosInc.QuotationfromthemovieTheShawshankRedemption is fromTheShawshankRedemption,directedbyFrankDarabont,producedbyNikiMarvin.Copyright©1994CastleRockEntertainment.

Copyright2000RosamundZanderandBenjaminZanderAllrightsreserved

FirsteBookEdition:January2001

ISBN:978-0-875-84770-2

IdwellinPossibility—AfairerHousethanProse—MorenumerousofWindows—Superior—forDoors—

OfChambersastheCedars—ImpregnableofEye—AndforanEverlastingRoof—TheGambrelsoftheSky—

OfVisitors—thefairest—ForOccupation—This—ThespreadingwidemynarrowHands—TogatherParadise—

—EMILYDICKINSON

Contents

Copyright

AnInvitationtoPossibility

LaunchingtheJourney

THEPRACTICES

1 It’sAllInvented2 STEPPINGINTOAUniverseofPossibility3 GivinganA4 BeingaContribution5 LeadingfromAnyChair6 RuleNumber67 TheWayThingsAre8 GivingWaytoPassion9 LightingaSpark10 BeingtheBoard11 FrameworksforPossibility12 TellingtheWEStory

Coda

AcknowledgmentsAbouttheAuthors

AnInvitationtoPossibility

BEN:“Waiter,”Isaid,inanexuberantmood,“Ihaveaperfectlife,butIdon’thaveaknife.”

IwashavingbreakfastwithafriendononeofmyperiodicvisitstoLondontoconduct thePhilharmoniaOrchestra. Iheardgigglesbehindmeand, turningaround, caught the eye of a girl of about twelve with a typically Englishpudding-bowl haircut. We exchanged smiles, and then I went back to myconversationandtomybreakfast.

The next day, I passed the young lady again in the breakfast room andstoppedtospeakwithher.

“Goodmorning.Howareyoutoday?”Shedrewherselfupeversoslightlyand,withatilttoherchinandasparkle

inhereye,answeredme.“Perfect,”shesaid.Later,whenshewas leavingwithherparents, I calledoutmischievously,

“Haveaperfectday!”“Iwill!”sheresponded,asthoughitweretheeasiest,mostobviouschoice

intheworld.

Andwiththat,shesailedoutintoauniverseofpossibility.

LaunchingtheJourney

THISISAHOW-TOBOOKofanunusualkind.Unlikethegenreofhow-tobooksthatoffer strategies to surmount the hurdles of a competitiveworld andmove outahead, the objective of this book is to provide the reader themeans to lift offfrom that world of struggle and sail into a vast universe of possibility. Ourpremiseisthatmanyofthecircumstancesthatseemtoblockusinourdailylivesmayonlyappeartodosobasedonaframeworkofassumptionswecarrywithus. Draw a different frame around the same set of circumstances and newpathways come into view. Find the right framework and extraordinaryaccomplishment becomes an everyday experience. Each chapter of this bookpresents a different facet of this approach and describes a new practice forbringingpossibilitytolife.

THEPARTNERSHIP

We,theauthors,BenandRoz,havedevelopedthisoutlookfromtwodifferent,thoughmutually enhancing, perspectives. Ben is the conductor of the BostonPhilharmonic Orchestra, a teacher and a communicator of rare ability whoengagespassionatelywithorchestras,audiences,andthepublicatlarge.Hehasunboundedenergy to enticepeople to accomplish the extraordinaryand to seeeachventure through.He finds the tempo inmusic, in speaking, and inactionthatthrowsusintomotion.Ifthereisatempooftransformation,Benmovesonits pulse. To help us all along, he plays persuasively on our minds andheartstringsthroughstorytelling,humor,andmusic.Hisistheexuberantpublicvoiceofthispartnership.

Roz functions in an intimate arena. She has a private practice in familytherapy,runsaccomplishmentgroups,andworkswithpeopleinmanysettingstotransformissuesandconflicts.Shepayscloseattentiontothestoriespeopletellabout who they are and how their world works, and she gives them tools torename themselvesand theircircumstances inaway thatgenerally leads toanoutcomethatismorethantheyhopedfororevenimagined.Shelistensforthedesire in people for something new, for conditions that do not exist, and shehelpsthemcreateaframeworkthatwouldmaketheseconditionspossible.Rozpractices theartofpossibilityalso from theperspectiveofa landscapepainterandwriter.Inthisbook,sheframestheissues,whilethestoriespassfromvoicetovoice.

Together,weworkasateam.Ben’spublicpresenceoftenbringshimfacetofacewithchallengingsituationsthatcallfornewkindsofleadershipandnewconceptual frameworks.When the questions he brings to Roz appear to havebroadapplication,shegoestothedrawingboardtosketchoutanapproach.Hethen takes the new designs into the public arena to try them out. This is theessenceofourenlivening,constantlymovingpartnership.Ourjointconvictionisthatmuch,muchmoreispossiblethanpeopleordinarilythink.

THEDESIGN

TheinitialofferfromtheHarvardBusinessSchoolPressthatwewritethisbookforabusinessaswellasalayaudiencewasarareopportunity,andonethathasnotoftenbeenavailabletopeopleworkinginthearts.Historically,artistshavebeen employed by leading institutions to bring emotional truth to establishedprinciples.Yetinournewglobalsociety,noinstitutionhasthewideacceptanceto create values and direction for the majority of people. Markets in freesocieties are rapidly replacing governments and religious institutions asregulatorsofthehighestauthority,andmarketsperformwithoutvalues;theydonotconverseinahumantongue.Theartscanbreaknewgroundhere,bringinghumanconsciousness tobearon theseflowsofproductandcapital,energizingourinterpersonalconnections,andopeningnewdoorsforinventionandpractice.

Revolutionaryshiftsintheoperationalstructuresofourworldseemtocallfornewdefinitionsofwhoweareandwhatweareherefor.ThatavotetakeninEurope,a financialdecisionmade inTokyo,oranunusuallywarmflowin theSouth Pacific can directly affect lives a world apart calls into question ourassumptionthatweareself-activatedandself-managed.Ourcustomarymind-setabout who we are may even undermine our ability to have a say in the waythings go from here. So this is a book with suggestions for novel ways ofdefiningourselves,others,andtheworldwelivein—waysthatmaybemoreaptforthechallengesofourtime.Itusesthemetaphorofmusic,andreliesonallthearts. Art, after all, is about rearranging us, creating surprising juxtapositions,emotionalopenings,startlingpresences,flightpathstotheeternal.

THEVISION

Likeapieceofmusic,thisbookhasalongsongline,athemeuponwhicheachchapterisavariation.Thelonglineportraysaworldwheretheconflictbetweentheindividualandthecollectivethatisintrinsictooureverydayrealityresolves.In this vision, an individual’s unique expression plays an integral andconstructive part in setting a direction for the group—in fact, for all ofhumankind.Thelonglineisthepossibilityofseeingdeeplyintowhatisbestforallofus,seeingthenextstep.Eachchapterofthebookoffersaseparatepracticefor realizing that vision. Each practice provides an opportunity for personalevolution that promises to enhance not only the reader’s life but also theorganizationsandrelationships inwhichheorsheparticipates.Thesepracticesareasrelevanttocorporatemanagementastheyaretoamarriage;asrelevanttoactsofdiplomacyastothesettlementoffamilydisputes.

PRACTICES

Standardsocialandbusinesspracticesarebuiltoncertainassumptions—sharedunderstandingsthathaveevolvedfromolderbeliefsandconditions.Andwhilecircumstances may have changed since the start of these practices, theircontinued use tends to reconfirm the old beliefs. For this reason our dailypractices feel right and true to us, regardless ofwhether they have evolved tokeepupwiththepaceofchange.Injustsuchawayabusinessculturearisesandperpetuatesitself,perhapslongafteritsusefulnesshaspassed.

This book offers practices that are transformational—practices that may“feel” illogical or counterintuitive to our normal understanding of how thingsoperate.Theirpurposeistoinitiateanewapproachtocurrentconditions,basedon uncommon assumptions about the nature of the world. The history oftransformational phenomena—the Internet, for example, or paradigm shifts inscience,or thespreadofanewreligion—suggests that transformationhappenslessbyarguingcogentlyforsomethingnewthanbygeneratingactive,ongoingpracticesthatshiftaculture’sexperienceofthebasisforreality.

So the practices presented in this book are not aboutmaking incrementalchangesthatleadtonewwaysofdoingthingsbasedonoldbeliefs,andtheyarenotaboutself-improvement.Theyaregearedinsteadtowardcausingatotalshiftof posture, perceptions, beliefs, and thought processes. They are abouttransformingyourentireworld.

NOTESONPRACTICING

BEN:Although thepracticesweofferherearesimple, theyarenoteasy. Iamremindedofadispiritingmomentinacellolessonwithmyteacher,Mr.HerbertWithers.Hewaseighty-threeyearsold,andIwaseleven. Ihad tried toplayapassage,butIcouldn’tmakeitwork.Itriedagain,anditdidn’twork,andathirdtime,andIwasnomoresuccessful.Iremembermakingafrustratedgrimaceandputtingdownmybow.TheelderlyMr.Withers leanedovermeandwhispered,“What?You’vebeenpracticingitforthreeminutes,andyoustillcan’tplayit?”

Our practices will take a good deal more than three minutes to master.Additionally, everything you think and feel and see around you will argueagainst them.So it takesdedication,a leapof faith,and,yes,practicing togetthemintoyourrepertoire.

ROZ:Adozensummersago,Isignedupformyfirstwhite-waterraftingtrip,onMaine’sKennebecRiver.Travelingoverlandinaricketybustoreachthelaunchpoint,Ipaidcloseattentiontotheguidestandingintheaisle,assheundertookoureducationaboutthispopularsport.

“If you fall out of the boat,” she said, “it is very important that you pullyourfeetupsothatyoudon’tgetafootcaughtintherocksbelow.Thinktoestonose,”shestressed,andgaveusaprecariousdemonstration,bracingherselfandhoistingonefoottowardhernose,“thenlookfortheboatandreachfortheoarortherope.”

Ourguidechatteredonaswebumpedourwaytowardtheriver.Mostofushadbeenontheroadsince4A.M.andwerefeelingsleepyandmesmerizedbythevibrations of the bus.“Toes to nose,” I heard again. And then,“look for theboat.”

Bythetimewearrivedat theriver’sedge,Ihadheardthetwophrasessomany times I felt slightly crazed. We put on our wet suits, gathered ourequipment,andstoodinacircleforourfinalinstructions.

“Ifyoufalloutoftheboatwhatdoyousaytoyourself?”

“Toestonoseandlookfortheboat,”wechimed.Someone here is mentally challenged, I thought, as we climbed into the

boatandstarteddownstream.Surgingintotheonlyclass5rapidsofthejourney,Ivanishedintoawallof

water that rose up at the stern of the raft, as into a black hole. Roiling aboutunderwater,therewasnoupanddown,neitherwaternorairnorland.Therehadneverbeenaboat.Therewasnoanywhere,therewasnothingatall.

Toes to nose… thewords emerged from a void. I pulled together into aball. Air. Sounds. Look for the boat… did that come from my head or wassomeonecalling?Theboatappeared,andanoar.Reachfortheoar…Idid,andfound myself in a world, inside the boat, on the water, traveling down theKennebecinaspewoffoam.

Sincethisexperience,Ihaveusedthemetaphor“outoftheboat”withmanypeople in different situations. It signifiesmore than being off track—itmeansyou don’t knowwhere the track is anymore. “Out of the boat” could refer tosomething as simple as losing allmemoryof everhavingbeenon an exerciseprogram,oritcouldrefertoflounderinginthewakeofamanagementshake-up.Whenyouareoutoftheboat,youcannotthinkyourwaybackin;youhavenopoint of reference. You must call on something that has been established inadvance,acatchphrase,like“toestonose.”

Inthechaptersthatfollow,youwillbeintroducedtoasetofpracticesthateachhas itsowncatchphrase,suchas it’sall invented,orgivinganA, orRuleNumber 6. By the time you have read the stories, parables, and first-personaccountsthatilluminateeachofthesepractices,youwillbebetterabletorecallthemwiththeuseofthecatchphrases,justasIwasabletogetbackintheboatby remembering toes to nose. Once you are in the habit of using them, thesepractices will reliably land you back in the boat, reoriented in a universe ofpossibility.

Now,ontotheriver…

PRACTICESINPOSSIBILITY

THEFIRSTPRACTICE

It’sAllInvented

AshoefactorysendstwomarketingscoutstoaregionofAfricatostudytheprospectsforexpandingbusiness.Onesendsbackatelegramsaying,

SITUATIONHOPELESSSTOPNOONEWEARSSHOES

Theotherwritesbacktriumphantly,

GLORIOUSBUSINESSOPPORTUNITYSTOPTHEYHAVENOSHOES

TO THE MARKETING EXPERT who sees no shoes, all the evidence points tohopelessness. To his colleague, the same conditions point to abundance andpossibility.Eachscoutcomestothescenewithhisownperspective;eachreturnstelling a different tale. Indeed, all of life comes to us in narrative form; it’s astorywetell.

The roots of this phenomenon go much deeper than just attitude orpersonality. Experiments in neuroscience have demonstrated that we reach anunderstandingof theworld in roughly this sequence: first, our sensesbringusselective information about what is out there; second, the brain constructs itsown simulation of the sensations; and only then, third, do we have our firstconsciousexperienceofourmilieu.Theworldcomesintoourconsciousnessinthe form of a map already drawn, a story already told, a hypothesis, aconstructionofourownmaking.

Anow-classic1953experimentrevealedtostunnedresearchersthatafrog’seyeiscapableofperceivingonlyfourtypesofphenomena1:

•Clearlinesofcontrast

•Suddenchangesinillumination

•Outlinesinmotion

•Curvesofoutlinesofsmall,darkobjects

Afrogdoesnot“see” itsmother’s face, it cannotappreciatea sunset,noreventhenuancesofcolor.It“sees”onlywhatitneedstoseeinordertoeatand

to avoid being eaten: small tasty bugs, or the sudden movement of a storkcominginitsdirection.Thefrog’seyedeliversextremelyselectiveinformationto the frog’s brain. The frog perceives only that which fits into its hardwiredcategoriesofperception.

Humaneyesareselective,too,thoughmagnitudesmorecomplexthanthoseof the frog.We think we can see “everything,” until we remember that beesmake out patterns written in ultraviolet light on flowers, and owls see in thedark.Thesensesofeveryspeciesarefine-tunedtoperceiveinformationcriticaltotheirsurvival—dogshearsoundsaboveourrangeofhearing,insectspickupmoleculartracesemittedfrompotentialmatesacresaway.

Weperceive only the sensations we are programmed to receive, and ourawarenessisfurtherrestrictedbythefactthatwerecognizeonlythoseforwhichwehavementalmapsorcategories.

TheBritishneuropsychologistRichardGregorywrote,“Thesensesdonotgive us a picture of the world directly; rather they provide evidence for thechecking of hypotheses about what lies before us.” 2And neurophysiologistDonald O. Hebb says, “The ‘real world’ is a construct, and some of thepeculiarities of scientific thought become more intelligible when this fact isrecognized…Einsteinhimselfin1926toldHeisenbergitwasnonsensetofounda theoryonobservable facts alone: ‘In reality the veryopposite happens. It istheorywhichdecideswhatwecanobserve.’”3

Weseeamapoftheworld,nottheworlditself.Butwhatkindofmapisthebraininclinedtodraw?Theanswercomesfromoneofthedictatesofevolution,thesurvivalofthefittest.Fundamentally,itisamapthathastodowithourverysurvival; it evolved to provide, as a first priority, information on immediatedangers to life and limb, the ability to distinguish friends and foes, thewherewithal to find food and resources and opportunities for procreation.Theworldappears toussortedandpackaged in thisway,substantiallyenrichedbythecategoriesofculturewelivein,bylearning,andbythemeaningsweformoutoftheuniquejourneyeachofustravels.

Seehowthoroughlythemapanditscategoriesgovernourperception.Inafamous experiment, theMe’en people of Ethiopiawere presented for the firsttimewithphotographsofpeopleandanimals,butwereunableto“read”thetwo-dimensionalimage.“Theyfeltthepaper,sniffedit,crumpledit,andlistenedtothecracklingnoiseitmade;theynippedofflittlebitsandchewedthemtotasteit.”4Yetpeopleinourmodernworldeasilyequatethephotographicimagewiththe object photographed—even though the two resemble each other only in avery abstract sense.RecognizingPabloPicasso in a train compartment, aman

inquired of the artist why he did not paint people “the way they really are.”Picassoaskedwhathemeantbythatexpression.Themanopenedhiswalletandtookout a snapshot of hiswife, saying, “That’smywife.”Picasso responded,“Isn’tsherathersmallandflat?”5

For theMe’en people therewere no “photographs,” although they lay intheirhandsasplainasday.Theysawnothingbutshinypaper.Onlythroughtheconventionsofmodernlifedoweseetheimageinaphotograph.AsforPicasso,hewasabletoseethesnapshotasanartifact,distinctfromwhatitrepresented.

Ourmindsarealsodesignedtostringeventsintostorylines,whetherornotthere is any connection between the parts. In dreams, we regularly weavesensations gathered from disparate parts of our lives into narratives. In fullwakefulness,weproducereasonsforouractionsthatarerational,plausible,andguided by the logic of cause and effect, whether or not these “reasons”accuratelyportrayanyoftherealmotivationalforcesatwork.Experimentswithpeople who have suffered a lesion between the two halves of the brain haveshown thatwhen the right side isprompted, say, to closeadoor, the left side,unawareoftheexperimenter’sinstruction,willproducea“reason”astowhyhehasjustperformedtheaction,suchas,“Oh,Ifeltadraft.”6

It is these sorts of phenomena that we are referring to whenwe use thecatchphraseforthischapterit’sallinvented.Whatwemeanis,“It’sallinventedanyway, so wemight as well invent a story or a framework of meaning thatenhancesourqualityoflifeandthelifeofthosearoundus.”

Most people already understand that, as with cultural differences,interpretationsoftheworldvaryfromindividualtoindividualandfromgrouptogroup. This understanding may persuade us that by factoring out our owninterpretationsof reality,wecan reacha solid truth.However, the term it’sallinvented points to a more fundamental notion—that it is through the evolvedstructuresofthebrainthatweperceivetheworld.Andthemindconstructs.Themeaningsourmindsconstructmaybewidelysharedandsustainingforus,buttheymay have little to do with the world itself. Furthermore, howwould weknow?

Evenscience—whichisoftentoosimplydescribedasanorderlyprocessofaccumulating knowledge based on previously acquired truths—even sciencereliesonourcapacitytoadapttonewfactsbyradicallyshiftingthetheoreticalconstructionswepreviously accepted as truth.Whenwe lived in aNewtonianworld,wesawstraight linesandforces; inanEinsteinianuniverse,wenoticedcurvedspace/time,relativity,andindeterminacy.TheNewtonianviewisstillasvalid—only now we see it as a special case, valid within a particular set of

conditions. Each new paradigm gives us the opportunity to “see” phenomenathatwerebeforeasinvisibletousasthecolorsofthesunsettothefrog.

To gain greater insight intowhatwemean by amap, a framework, or aparadigm, let’s revisit the famous nine-dot puzzle, which will be familiar tomanyreaders.Asyoumayormaynotknow,thepuzzleasksustojoinallninedotswith fourstraight lines,without takingpen frompaper. Ifyouhaveneverseenthispuzzlebefore,goaheadandtryit…beforeyouturnthepage!

If you have never played this game before, you will most likely findyourselfstrugglingtosolvethepuzzleinsidethespaceofthedots,asthoughtheouter dots constituted the outer limit of the puzzle. The puzzle illustrates auniversal phenomenon of the human mind, the necessity to sort data intocategoriesinordertoperceiveit.Yourbraininstantlyclassifiestheninedotsasatwo-dimensional square. And there they rest, like nails in the coffin of anyfurtherpossibility,establishingaboxwithadotineachofthefourcorners,eventhoughnoboxinfactexistsonthepage.

Nearly everybody adds that context to the instructions, nearly everybodyhears:“Connectthedotswithfourstraightlineswithouttakingpenfrompaper,withinthesquareformedbytheouterdots.”Andwithinthatframework,thereisno solution. If, however,wewere to amend the original set of instructions byaddingthephase,“Feelfreetousethewholesheetofpaper,” itislikelythatanewpossibilitywouldsuddenlyappeartoyou.

Itmightseemthat thespaceoutside thedotswascryingout,“Hey,bringsomelinesouthere!”

Theframesourmindscreatedefine—andconfine—whatweperceivetobepossible. Every problem, every dilemma, every dead end we find ourselvesfacinginlife,onlyappearsunsolvableinsideaparticularframeorpointofview.Enlargethebox,orcreateanotherframearoundthedata,andproblemsvanish,whilenewopportunitiesappear.

Thispracticewe refer toby the catchphrase, it’s all invented, is themostfundamentalofallthepracticeswepresentinthisbook.Whenyoubringtomindit’sallinvented,yourememberthatit’sallastoryyoutell—notjustsomeofit,but all of it. And remember, too, that every story you tell is founded on anetwork of hidden assumptions. If you learn to notice and distinguish thesestories,youwillbeabletobreakthroughthebarriersofany“box”thatcontainsunwanted conditions and create other conditions or narratives that support thelifeyouenvision foryourselfand thosearoundyou.Wedonotmean thatyoucanjustmakeanythingupandhaveitmagicallyappear.Wemeanthatyoucanshift the framework to one whose underlying assumptions allow for theconditions you desire. Let your thoughts and actions spring from the newframeworkandseewhathappens.

THEPRACTICE

Asimplewaytopracticeit’sallinventedistoaskyourselfthisquestion:

WhatassumptionamImaking,ThatI’mnotawareI’mmaking,ThatgivesmewhatIsee?

Andwhenyouhaveananswertothatquestion,askyourselfthisone:

WhatmightInowinvent,ThatIhaven’tyetinvented,Thatwouldgivemeotherchoices?

Andthenyoucan inventspaces, like thepapersurrounding theninedots,

wherefourlinescandotheworkoffive.We nowmove on to the second practice, which entails inventing a new

universetolivein,auniverseofpossibility.

THESECONDPRACTICE

STEPPINGINTOAUniverseofPossibility

ONCE YOU HAVE BEGUN to distinguish that it’s all invented, you can create aplace todwellwherenewinventionsare theorderof theday.Suchaplacewecall“theuniverseofpossibility,”andsteppingintoitisoursecondpractice.Thisuniverse—like the page that holds the nine dots—extends beyond the bordersthatconfineustooureverydayreality.

Youmayask,“Whataretheseborders,andwhatisthiseverydayreality?”

THEWORLDOFMEASUREMENT

Weproposetocallourfamiliareverydayworldthe“worldofmeasurement”inorder to highlight the central position held by assessments, scales, standards,grades, and comparisons. In this story of the everyday, each of us strives forsuccess, hoping to arrive at a better place thanwherewe are.On our path toachievingagoalwe inevitablyencounterobstacles.Someof themorefamiliarones, aside from other people, are scarcities of time, money, power, love,resources,andinnerstrength.

All the manifestations of the world of measurement—the winning andlosing, thegainingofacceptanceand the threatenedrejection, theraisedhopesand thedash intodespair—all arebasedona singleassumption that ishiddenfrom our awareness. The assumption is that life is about staying alive andmakingitthrough—survivinginaworldofscarcityandperil.Evenwhenlifeisat its best in themeasurement world, this assumption is the backdrop for theplay, and, like the invisible box around the nine dots, it keeps the universe ofpossibilityoutofview.

Certain responses are better suited than others to an environment wheresurvival is the issue, all ofwhich are prevalent in theworld ofmeasurement.Alertnesstodanger,acleverstrategicmind,aneyeforassessingfriendandfoe,aknackforjudgingstrengthandweakness,theknow-howtotakepossessionofresources, a measure of mistrust, and a good dollop of fear are some of thequalities that will safeguard us. Keeping our armor intact is of criticalimportance as well, which means resisting any challenge to our personalviewpoint.

Wealsofeelmoresecurewhenwecanidentifyobjectsanddeterminetheirlocation.Anindicationofthisisthatthetermminefieldstandsasauniversallyappreciatedmetaphor fordanger. It feels safer todealwith realityas though itwere fixed, as though people, ideas, and situations can be fully known andmeasured.

Wegrowupinaworldofmeasurement,andinthisworld,wegettoknow

each other and things by measuring them, and by comparing and contrastingthem. We know a child as compared to other children, a performance of aPuccini aria by a local tenor as contrasted to one sung by Pavarotti, or acompany’syear-endstatementasitstacksuptoearlierprojections.Inordertobeinapositiontoassess,judge,andreportoncircumstances,theindividualstandsback, identifyinghimself,andbyextensionhisgroup,as separate fromothers.That opinionated “little voice in the head” is almost always speaking fromMeasurementCentral.Life in themeasurementworld seems tobe arranged inhierarchies:somegroups,people,bodies,places,andideasseembetterormorepowerful than others. Lines appear, dividing an inside from an outside: somepeople, races,andorganizationsaresaferandmoredesirable tobelong to thanothers.Thereareonlysomanypiecesofthepie.

The dramatic action in this world of success and failure has to do withovercomingoddsandprevailing,orbeingacknowledgedandincluded.Virtuallyevery children’s book, every made-for-television special follows the pattern.Competition is the vehicle to success, and metaphors based on competitivesportsandwarareappliedtoalmostanysituation.Conversationsamongfriendschroniclepersonaltrialsandtriumphs.Certainfeelingsmirrortheupsanddownsof fortune in the world of measurement: love for our own, for instance, andsympathyforthoseweakerthanweare;fear,anger,anddespairatlosing;and,ofcourse,theexhilarationofhavingcomeoutontop.

Justasvirtuallyeverybodyaddstheclausewithinthesquareformedbytheouter dots to the instructions for the nine-dot puzzle; virtually everybody,whetherlivinginthelapofluxuryorindiminishedcircumstances,wakesupinthemorningwiththeunseenassumptionthatlifeisaboutthestruggletosurviveandgetaheadinaworldoflimitedresources.

“Hey,bringsomelinesouthere!”

AUNIVERSEOFPOSSIBILITY

Letussuppose,now,thatauniverseofpossibilitystretchesbeyondtheworldofmeasurement to include all worlds: infinite, generative, and abundant.Unimpeded on a daily basis by the concern for survival, free from thegeneralized assumption of scarcity, a person stands in the great space ofpossibilityinapostureofopenness,withanunfetteredimaginationforwhatcanbe.

Intherealmofpossibility,wegainourknowledgebyinvention.Wedecidethattheessenceofachildisjoy,andjoysheis.Oursmallbusinessattractsthelabel,“TheCan-DoCompany,”andthat isexactlywhoweare.Wespeakwiththe awareness that language creates categories of meaning that open up newworlds toexplore.Lifeappearsasvariety,pattern,andshimmeringmovement,invitingusineverymomenttoengage.Thepieisenormous,andifyoutakeaslice,thepieiswholeagain.

Theactioninauniverseofpossibilitymaybecharacterizedasgenerative,or giving, in all senses of thatword—producing new life, creating new ideas,consciously endowing with meaning, contributing, yielding to the power ofcontexts.Therelationshipbetweenpeopleandenvironments ishighlighted,notthe people and things themselves. Emotions that are often relegated to thespecial category of spirituality are abundant here: joy, grace, awe, wholeness,passion,andcompassion.

There are moments in everyone’s life when an experience of integrationwiththeworldtranscendsthebusinessofsurvival—likeseeingagrandchildforthefirsttime,witnessinganOlympicrecordbrokenortheuncommonbraveryofanordinarycitizen.Formany,theexperienceofattendingthedismantlingoftheBerlinWall or of witnessing the emergence of NelsonMandela from twenty-seven years of imprisonment may have been such a moment. Some findadmissiontotherealmofpossibilityatareligiousgathering,someinmeditation,somebylisteningtogreatmusic.Oftenpeopleenterthisstateinthepresenceofnaturalbeautyoratthesightofsomethingofinfinitemagnitude,anexpanseof

oceanoratoweringsky.Thesearemomentswhenweforgetourselvesandseemtobecomepartofallbeing.

DOWNTOEARTHINAUNIVERSEOFPOSSIBILITY

It may seem that this chapter sets up a simplistic dichotomy between beingsuccessful and living a kind-hearted, feel-good life. Nothing could be furtherfrom our conviction. In fact, we are saying that, on thewhole, you are morelikely toextendyourbusinessandhavea fulfilled life ifyouhave theattitudethattherearealwaysnewcustomersouttherewaitingtobeenrolledratherthanthatmoney,customers,andideasareinshortsupply.Youaremorelikelytobesuccessful,overall,ifyouparticipatejoyfullywithprojectsandgoalsanddonotthinkyour lifedependsonachieving themarkbecause thenyouwillbebetterabletoconnect topeopleallaroundyou.Onthewhole,resourcesarelikelytocome to you in greater abundance when you are generous and inclusive andengagepeople inyourpassion for life.Therearen’tanyguarantees,ofcourse.Whenyouareorientedtoabundance,youcarelessaboutbeingincontrol,andyoutakemorerisks.Youmaygiveawayshort-termprofitsinpursuitofabiggerdream;youmaytakealongviewwithoutbeingabletopredicttheoutcome.Inthe measurement world, you set a goal and strive for it. In the universe ofpossibility,yousetthecontextandletlifeunfold.

SURVIVAL AND SURVIVAL-THINKING

Manypeople’slivesareindailyjeopardy,andtheymustanddoconcentrateonstayingalive,asanyoneofuswouldifhelduponthestreetorlostatsea.Thatis not the same as survival-thinking, which is the undiscriminating, ongoingattitudethatlifeisdangerousandthatonemustputone’senergyintolookingoutforNumberOne.

Truescarcityandscarcity-thinkingaredifferentphenomenaaswell.Thereare regionsof theworldwhere resourcesare locallyscarce,wherepeople lackfor theirmost fundamental needs.However, scarcity-thinking is an attitude asprevalent among the well-heeled as among the down-at-heel, and remainsunalteredbyachangeincircumstances.It isafatalisticoutlook,asprofiledbytheEnglisheconomistThomasMalthus inhis1798“Essayon thePrincipleofPopulation” that predicts that supplies—which appear fixed and limited—willeventuallyrunout.Thisattitudepromptsustoseektoacquiremoreforourselvesnomatterhowmuchwehaveandtotreatothersascompetitorsnomatterhowlittletheyhave.Scarcity-thinkingandrealscarcityareinteractiveinthesimplesensethatthefrenziedaccumulationofresourcesbysomeleavesotherswithoutenough, in aworld that has themeans to supply the basic needs of everyone.Theyarecorrelated in that the indiscriminateuseof theearth’s resources, at arate faster than the earth can regenerate, leaves the next generation withshrinkingreserves.

HOWTOSTEPTHERE

Nowwecometotheheartofthematter.Whatisthepracticethatorientsyoutoauniverseofpossibility?Itisapracticeforrevealingthehiddenframeworkfromwhich theworld ofmeasurement springs.When you see how thoroughly thatframework, like the box around the nine dots, rules your life, you will havelocatedyourselfintherealmofpossibilitybeyondit.So,first,askyourself:

How are my thoughts and actions, in this moment, reflections of themeasurementworld?

You look for thoughts and actions that reflect survival and scarcity,

comparisonandcompetition,attachmentandanxiety.Noticethatthequestionisnot,“Aremythoughts…”whichisaquestionofassessment,but,“Howaremythoughts…”whichisatrueinquiry.Seehoweasyitistoarguethatyouareanexception,thatyoupersonallyarenotgovernedbyanysuchsetofassumptions.This,ofcourse,isanotherexampleofthemeasurementworldatwork.

Sowhenyounoticeyourselfthinking,forinstance,thatthislineofinquirymust apply tomenmore than towomenbecausemen are so competitive, andyourecognizethat thoughtasyourfirstbitofevidence thatyourmeasurementmindisatwork,youaskyourselfagain:

Howaremythoughtsandactions, in thisnewmoment,areflectionof themeasurementworld?

Andhownow?

Youkeepaskingthequestionuntilyoufinallyappreciatehowhopelessitistoescapebeingshapedbytheassumptionsthatunderliealloflife.Andthenyoumaybegintolaugh.Andwhensomeoneasks,“Howareyou?”itmayappeartoyouutterlyridiculoustotrytoassessyourself,ortoexpresslifeasastruggleandaburden,andbeforeyouknowit,theword“perfect”mayjustpopout.Andyou

willbesmiling.Foryouwillhavesteppedintoauniverseofpossibility.Ofcourse,youwon’thavearrived.

THETHIRDPRACTICE

GivinganA

ATTHEUNIVERSITYOFSouthernCalifornia,aleadershipcoursewastaughteachyeartofiftyofthemostoutstandingstudentsoutoftwenty-seventhousandintheschool,hand-pickedbyeachdepartment.Attheendofthesemester,thegraderforthecoursewasinstructedtogiveone-thirdofthestudentsA’s,one-thirdB’sandone-thirdC’s—eventhoughtheworkofanymemberofthisclasswaslikelyto surpass that of any other student in the university. Imagine the blow to themoraleoftheeagerandhardworkingstudentwhoreceivedtherequisiteC.

Not just in this case, but inmost cases, grades say little about theworkdone.Whenyoureflect toastudent thathehasmisconstruedaconceptorhastakenafalsestepinamathproblem,youareindicatingsomethingrealabouthisperformance,butwhenyougivehimaB+,youaresayingnothingatallabouthismasteryofthematerial,youareonlymatchinghimupagainstotherstudents.Mostwouldrecognizeatcorethatthemainpurposeofgradesistocompareonestudentagainstanother.Mostpeoplearealsoawarethatcompetitionputsastrainonfriendshipsandtoooftenconsignsstudentstoasolitaryjourney.

Michelangeloisoftenquotedashavingsaidthatinsideeveryblockofstoneormarbledwellsabeautifulstatue;oneneedonlyremovetheexcessmaterialtoreveal the work of art within. If we were to apply this visionary concept toeducation,itwouldbepointlesstocompareonechildtoanother.Instead,alltheenergywouldbefocusedonchippingawayatthestone,gettingridofwhateverisinthewayofeachchild’sdevelopingskills,mastery,andself-expression.

Wecall this practicegivinganA. It is an enliveningwayof approachingpeoplethatpromisestotransformyouaswellasthem.Itisashiftinattitudethatmakesitpossibleforyoutospeakfreelyaboutyourownthoughtsandfeelingswhile,at thesame time,yousupportothers tobeall theydreamofbeing.Thepractice of giving an A transports your relationships from the world ofmeasurementintotheuniverseofpossibility.

AnA can be given to anyone in anywalk of life—to awaitress, to youremployer,toyourmother-in-law,tothemembersoftheoppositeteam,andtotheother drivers in traffic. When you give an A, you find yourself speaking topeoplenotfromaplaceofmeasuringhowtheystackupagainstyourstandards,

butfromaplaceofrespectthatgivesthemroomtorealizethemselves.Youreyeisonthestatuewithintheroughnessoftheuncutstone.

ThisAisnotanexpectationtoliveupto,butapossibilitytoliveinto.

BRIGHTFUTURES

BEN:Thirty graduate students are gathered at theNewEnglandConservatoryforthefirstclassoftheyearonaFridayafternooninSeptember.Thestudents,all instrumentalists and singers, are about to undertake a two-semesterexplorationintotheartofmusicalperformance,includingthepsychologicalandemotional factors that can stand in theway of greatmusic-making. I promisethemthatiftheyattendmyInterpretationclassregularlyandapplythemselvestomastering the distinctions that are put forward in the course, they will makemajorbreakthroughsbothintheirmusic-makingandintheirlives.

Yet, after twenty-five years of teaching, I still came up against the sameobstacle. Class after class, the students would be in such a chronic state ofanxietyoverthemeasurementoftheirperformancethattheywouldbereluctanttotakeriskswiththeirplaying.OneeveningIsettleddownwithRoztoseeifwecouldthinkofsomethingthatwoulddispeltheiranticipationoffailure.

Whatwould happen if onewere to hand anA to every student from thestart?

Roz and I predicted that abolishing grades altogether would only makemattersworse, even if theConservatory couldbepersuaded to support such aplan.Thestudentswouldfeelcheatedoftheopportunityforstardomandwouldstill be focused on their place in the lineup. Sowe came upwith the idea ofgivingthemalltheonlygradethatwouldputthematease,notasameasurementtool,butasaninstrumenttoopenthemuptopossibility.

“Each student in this class will get an A for the course,” I announce.“However, there is one requirement that you must fulfill to earn this grade:Sometimeduringthenexttwoweeks,youmustwritemealetterdatednextMay,whichbeginswiththewords,‘DearMr.Zander,IgotmyAbecause…,’andinthisletteryouaretotell,inasmuchdetailasyoucan,thestoryofwhatwillhavehappenedtoyoubynextMaythatisinlinewiththisextraordinarygrade.”

Inwriting their letters, I say to them, they are to place themselves in thefuture, looking back, and to report on all the insights they acquired and

milestones they attained during the year as if those accomplishments werealreadyinthepast.Everythingmustbewritteninthepasttense.Phrasessuchas“Ihope,”“Iintend,”or“Iwill”mustnotappear.Thestudentsmay,iftheywish,mentionspecificgoalsreachedorcompetitionswon.“But,“I tell them,“Iamespecially interested in the person you will have become by nextMay. I aminterestedintheattitude,feelings,andworldviewofthatpersonwhowillhavedoneallshewishedtodoorbecomeeverythinghewantedtobe.”ItellthemIwantthemtofallpassionatelyinlovewiththepersontheyaredescribingintheirletter.

Here is one letter from a young trombonist who took that instruction toheartanddiscoveredthepoetryofself-invention.

Thursday15May,nighttime

DearMr.Z

Todaytheworldknowsme.Thatdriveofenergyandintenseemotion thatyou saw twisting and dormant inside me, yet, alas, I could not show inperformanceorconversation,wasfreedtonightinaprogramofnewmusiccomposed for me… . The concert ended and no one stirred. A pregnantquiet.Sighs:andthenapplausethatdrownedmyheart’sthrobbing.

Imight have bowed—I cannot remember now. The clapping sustainedsuch that I thought I might make my debut complete and celebrate thesheddingof

themaskandskinthatIhadconstructedtohidewithin,byimprovisingonmyownmelodyasanencore—unaccompanied.Whatfollowedissomethingofablur.Iforgottechnique,pretension,tradition,schooling,history—trulyeventheaudience.WhatcamefrommytromboneIwhollybelieve,wasmyownVoice.Laughter,smiles,

afrown,weepingTuckerspiritdidsing.

TuckerDulin

Andhere is anotheroneof theA letterswritten by a youngKorean fluteplayer who entered wholeheartedly into the game, capturing perfectly itsplayfulness, while addressing in the process some of the most serious issuesfacingperformersinacultureofmeasurementandcompetition.

NextMay

DearestTeacherMr.Zander;

I received my grade A because I worked hard and thought hard aboutmyself taking your class, and the result was absolutely tremendous. Ibecameanewperson.Iusedtobesonegativepersonforalmosteverythingevenbeforetrying.NowIfindmyselfhappierpersonthanbefore.Icouldn’taccept my mistakes about a year ago, and after every mistake I blamedmyself, but now, I enjoy making mistakes and I really learn from thesemistakes.InmyplayingIhavemoredepththanbefore.Iusedtoplayjustnotes,but,now,I foundoutabout therealmeaningofeverypieces,andIcouldplaywithmoreimagination.AlsoIfoundoutmyvalue.Ifoundmyselfso special person, because I found out that if I believe myself I can doeverything.Thankyouforallthelessonsandlecturesbecausethatmademerealize how important person I am and also the clear reasonwhy I playmusic.Thankyou,

Sincerely,EstherLee

Inthisletter,theyoungperformerfocuseshergazeonthepersonshewantstobe,momentarilysilencingthevoiceinherheadthattellsherthatshewillfail.Sheemerges like thegracefulstatuefromwithinMichelangelo’smarbleblock.The person that I teach each Friday afternoon is the person described in the

letter.Thestudentrevealshertrueselfandalsoidentifiesmuchofthestonethatblocksherexpression.Chippingawayatthestonethatencasesherbecomesourtaskintheclass.Ourjobistoremovetheextraneousdebristhatstandsbetweenherandherexpressionintheworld.

NextMay

DearMr.Zander,

IgotmyAbecauseIhad thecourage toexaminemy fearsandIrealizedthattheyhavenoplaceinmylife.Ichangedfromsomeonewhowasscaredtomakeamistakeincaseshewasnoticedtosomeonewhoknowsthatshehas a contribution to make to other people, musically and personally….Thusalldiffidenceandlackofbeliefinmyselfaregone.Sotooisthebeliefthat I only exist as a reflection in other people’s eyes and the resultingdesiretopleaseeveryone….Iunderstandthattryingandachievingarethesamethingwhenyouareyourownmaster—andIam.

Ihavefoundadesiretoconveymusictootherpeople,whichisstrongerthan the worries I had about myself. I have changed from desiringinconsequentiality and anonymity to accepting the joy that comes fromknowingthatmymusicchangestheworld.

—GiselleHillyer

SmallwonderthatIapproacheachclasswiththegreatesteagerness,forthisis a class consisting entirely of A students and what is more delightful thanspending an afternoon among the stars?Mostmembers of the class share thisexperience,andsomeevenreportthatastheywalkdownthecorridortowardtheclassroom each Friday afternoon, the clouds of anxiety and despair thatfrequentlyshadowahothouseAmericanmusicacademyperceptiblylift.

WhenIcometoyourclass,Ben,IfeeltheglowcomingasIwalkdownthecorridor,andbythetimeI’vearrived—I’vearrivedhappyandexcitedandreadytogo.

—Carina

We in themusic profession train youngmusicianswith utmost care fromearly childhood, urging them to achieve extraordinary technical mastery andencouragingthemtodevelopgoodpracticehabitsandperformancevalues.Wesupportthemtoattendfinesummerprogramsandtravelabroadtogainfirsthandexperience of different cultures, and then, after all this,we throw them into amaelstromofcompetition,survival,backbiting,subservience,andstatusseeking.Andfromthisarenaweexpectthemtoperformthegreatworksofthemusicalliterature that call upon, among other things, warmth, nobility, playfulness,generosity,reverence,sensitivity,andlove!

Itisdangeroustohaveourmusicianssoobsessedwithcompetitionbecausetheywillfinditdifficulttotakethenecessaryriskswiththemselvestobegreatperformers. The art of music, since it can only be conveyed through itsinterpreters,dependsonexpressiveperformancefor its lifeblood.Yet it isonlywhenwemakemistakesinperformancethatwecanreallybegintonoticewhatneeds attention. In fact, I actively train my students that when they make amistake,theyaretolifttheirarmsintheair,smile,andsay,“Howfascinating!”Irecommendthateveryonetrythis.

Not only mistakes, but even those experiences we ordinarily define as“negative”canbetreatedinthisway.Forinstance,Ioncehadadistraughtyoungtenorasktospeaktomeafterclass.Hetoldmehe’dlosthisgirlfriendandwasin suchdespair thathewasalmostunable to function. I consoledhim,but theteacherinmewassecretlydelighted.NowhewouldbeabletofullyexpresstheheartrendingpassionofthesonginSchubert’sDieWinterreiseaboutthelossofthebeloved.Thatsonghadcompletelyeludedhimthepreviousweekbecauseuptothen,theonlyobjectofaffectionhehadeverlostwasapetgoldfish.

Myteacher,thegreatcellistGasparCassado,usedtosaytousasstudents,“I’msosorryforyou;yourliveshavebeensoeasy.Youcan’tplaygreatmusicunlessyourheart’sbeenbroken.”

DearMr.Zander,

Igotmy“A”becauseIbecameagreatgardenertobuildmyowngardenoflife.Till last year Iwas intimidated, judgmental,negative, lonely, lost,noenergy to do what-so-ever, loveless, spiritless, hopeless, emotionless …endless.WhatIthoughtsomiserablywasactuallywhatreallymademeto

becomewhatIamtoday,wholovesmyself,thereforemusic,life,people,mywork, and even miseries. I love my weeds as much as my unblossomedroses.Ican’twaitfortomorrowbecauseI’minlovewithtoday,hardwork,andreward…whatcanbebetter?

Sincerely,SoyanKim

THESECRETOFLIFE

AfewweeksintothefirstyearofthegivingtheAexperiment,IaskedtheclasshowithadfelttothemtostartthesemesteroffwithanA,beforetheyhadhadtoprove themselves in anyway.Tomy surprise, aTaiwanese student put up hishand.Apartfromanaturaldiffidencetospeakupinaforeignlanguage,itisrarefor students from Asia, often among our most accomplished performers, tovolunteertospeakinclass.AfewoftheAsianstudentshavetriedtoexplaintomewhythisisso.InsomeAsiancultures,ahighpremiumistraditionallyputonbeingright.Theteacherisalwaysright,andthebestwayforstudentstoavoidbeingwrongisnottosayanythingatall.Sowhenthisyoungstudentraiseduphishandquiteenthusiastically,ofcourseIcalledonhim.

“InTaiwan,”heexplained,

IwasNumber68outof70student.IcometoBostonandMr.ZandersaysIamanA.Very confusing. Iwalk about, threeweeks, very confused. I amNumber68,butMr.ZandersaysIamanAstudent…IamNumber68,butMr. Zander says I am an A. One day I discover much happier A thanNumber68.SoIdecideIamanA.

Thisstudent, inabrilliant flash,hadhitupon the“secretof life.”Hehadrealizedthatit’sallinvented,it’sallagame.TheNumber68isinventedandtheAisinvented,sowemightaswellchoosetoinventsomethingthatbrightensourlifeandthelivesofthepeoplearoundus.

OFTENPEOPLEAREquiteuncomfortablewiththeideaofgrantingtheunearnedAbecause it seems to deny the actual differences between one person’saccomplishments and another’s.Wearenot suggesting that peoplebeblind toaccomplishment.Nobodywantstohearaviolinistwhocannotplaythenotesortobetreatedbyadoctorwhohasnotpassedthecourse.Standardscanhelpusbydefining the rangeofknowledgea studentmustmaster tobecompetent inhis

field.Itisnotinthecontextofmeasuringpeople’sperformanceagainststandards

that we propose giving the A, despite the reference to measurement the Aimplies.WegivetheAtofinessethestrangleholdofjudgmentthatgradeshaveoverourconsciousnessfromourearliestdays.TheAisaninventionthatcreatespossibility for both mentor and student, manager and employee, or for anyhumaninteraction.

ThepracticeofgivingtheAallowstheteachertolineupwithherstudentsintheireffortstoproducetheoutcome,ratherthanliningupwiththestandardsagainstthesestudents.Inthefirstinstance,theinstructorandthestudent,orthemanager and the employee, become a team for accomplishing the possible; inthesecond,thedisparityinpowerbetweenthemcanbecomeadistractionandaninhibitor,drawingenergyawayfromproductivityanddevelopment.

Oneofthecomplicationsofworkingwithstandardsisthatthoseincharge—be they teachers, school systems, CEOs, or management teams—often fallintothetrapofidentifyingtheirownagendaswiththestandards.Howofteninabusiness situation does a manager find himself at his wit’s end when hediscoversthatworkhasnotbeendonebyothersthewayhewouldhavedoneithimself?Acommonresponseis todeliver theultimatum,whetherexplicitlyorimplicitly,“Doittherightway—myway.”

Notonlydoesthislattermessagetendtosquelchinnovationandcreativity,butitalsotrainsstudentsandemployeestofocussolelyonwhattheyneedtodoto please their teachers or their bosses, and on howmuch they can get awaywith.Thementor’sdisappointmentwithastudentwhosestyleandinterestsvaryfrom her own is often what is measured in the grade she gives. Instead ofprovidingrealinformationtoastudentonhislearning,ittellshimbyhowmuch,intheeyesoftheauthority,hehasfallenshort.

THESENIORPAPER

ROZ:AsahighschoolstudentIclashedwithmyEnglishLiteratureteacherinjust thisway over our senior project, a semester-long comprehensive study ofoneauthor’swork.Iwasnotoriousforleavingpapersandassignmentsuntilthevery lastminute, and this onewas no exception. I had decided towrite aboutNathanielHawthorne;then,afterreadingmostofhiswork,Ichangedmymind.ItwasonlytwoorthreeweeksbeforethepaperwasduethatIdecidedfirmlyonThomasHardy.Iworkedthroughthewholeofthefinalnightunderwhatwasformeahappymixtureof intensepressureandfocused interest,andatschool thenext day I spent every free moment typing feverishly in the senior room.Predictably,attenminutestofive,Isubmittedthecompleteddrafttoourteacher,receiving, likewateroffaduck’sback, therequisite lectureon thefollyofmyorganizationalmethods.The paperswere to be graded by an outside reader, ateacherfromanotherschoolwhowasunfamiliarwiththestudentsinourclass.

Fortwoweeks,theclassawaitedtheresultsofoureffortswithtrepidation.Finally,thepaperscameback.Ourteacherhandedthemoutonebyone,smilingat each student encouragingly. But when she came to me her expression wasstrainedandunhappy.Myanxietyshotup.Indread,I turnedthepaperover toseethecommentsontheback,butthere,insoftdarkpencilatthetopofthepagewasaboldA.Thereaderpraisedthecomposition’sideas,organization,writingstyle,andgrammar.

Our classroom teacher had a different agenda, presumably that studentsmust learn to do their work at a certain pace, with certain preparatorydocuments.Shesaid tome later, “Iwasverydisappointed thatyougot suchahighgrade.Iwashopingyouwoulddobadlysothatyouwouldlearnalessonabout preparation.” I felt as though I were being exiled from the sunnyschoolyardwhere I had long played so enthusiastically. I began to defendmylastminuteworkstyleandtoattachpridetohabitsthatuptothatpointIhadfeltweresimplyamatterofpersonalstyle.

In retrospect, I am sure thatmyEnglish teacher hadmy best interests at

heart.ShewasprobablyworriedthatwhenthingsbecametougherIwouldlacktheskillstosucceed.AndshemusthavepredictedthattheAwouldvalidatemystyle,keepingmefromevertryingadifferentapproach.Yet,imagineifshehadreactedtomyAbygivingmea“highfive,”andhadinvitedmeintoagame:totrymyhandatanoutlinewellinadvanceoftheduedateofthenextassignment,justtoseeifitwouldhelpmedoanevenbetterjob.IknowIwouldhaveagreedtoplay.Bysteppingdownandmeetingmeinsuchanengagingandimaginativeway,my teacherwouldhave recovered the leadership role inmyeducation. Inourvocabulary,shewouldhavegivenmeanA,and,intheprocess,gainedoneforherself.

INTHEREALMofpossibility,theliteralorfigurativegivingoftheAalignsteacherwith student, manager with employee, and makes striving for a goal anenliveninggame.Withinthegame,astandardbecomesamarker thatgives thepairdirection. If the studenthits themark, the team ison course; if not,well,“Howfascinating!”Theinstructordoesnotpersonallyidentifywiththestandard;nordoesthestudentidentifypersonallywiththeresultsof thegame.Sincetheteacher’s job is to help her students chip away at the barriers that block theirabilities and expression, she aligns herselfwith the students towhom she hasgivenanA,andletsthestandardsmaintainthemselves.

THE A BRINGS PEOPLE TOGETHERUNDERACOMMONPURPOSE

Even in a symphony orchestra, where the conductor and the hundred playershavesomethingcollectiveatstake—namelyagreatperformance—standardscanwreakhavoc.Noteveryconductoriscapableofmovingbeyondhisownagendaand his own prejudices to see how he supports or undermines the players’performance.Justbeforetheoboistputsherreedtoherlipsforherbigsolo,shelooks up at the conductor, and alongwith information about tempo, phrasing,shape, rhythm, color, and the character of the music, comes a message thatincludes a grade—and that, asmuch as anything else,will determinehow sheplays.

The freely granted A expresses a vision of partnership, teamwork, andrelationship.Itisforwholenessandfunctionality,intheawarenessthatforeachofus,excessstonemaystillhidethegracefulformwithin.

Intheabsenceofavision,weareeachdrivenbyourownagenda,findingpeople whose interests match ours, and inattentive to those with whom weappear tohave little incommon.Weautomatically judgeourplayers,workers,andlovedonesagainstourstandards, inadvertentlypullingthewindfromtheirsails.ButwithournewpracticeofgrantinganongoingAinallourrelationships,wecanalignourselveswithothers,becausethatAdeclaresandsustainsa life-enhancingpartnership.

TANYA’SBOW

BEN:Throughout the rehearsalprocessofMahler’sNinthSymphonywith thePhilharmoniaOrchestraofLondon, Ihadbeenaware thatoneof theviolinistshadbeensitting inanoverlyrelaxed,almostslouchedposition.Bythe timeofthedressrehearsal,herposture,stillunchanged,wasinnoticeablecontrasttotheother players,whowerenow firedup andphysically demonstrative.Althoughher playing was completely professional, the gut-wrenching intensity ofMahler’s final testament made her indifferent manner, dispiriting in anyperformance,seemparticularlyincongruousinthisone.

At the endof the rehearsal, Iwentup toher andaskedwhether anythingwasamiss.Herresponsesurprisedme.“Aretheseyourbowings?”sheinquired.WhenItoldherthatthesewerethebowingswehadusedinourlastperformanceinBoston,shecommented,“Themusicgoestoofastforallthesebowchanges.Ijustcannotgetintothestring.”SinceIknowhowdifficultitistoapplyafast-movingbowtothestringwithenoughpressuretomakeabigsound,Isuggestedthatperhapsweshouldtakeaslowertempo.Butshewastakenaback.“Don’tberidiculous,” she remonstrated, “you shouldperform it thewayyou feel it.Butyoudidask.”

This was a revelation to me. A player’s outward demeanor, her wholephysical appearance, even hermood, were connected to her comfort with thebowings! One should remember that the conductor of the orchestra is notactuallyplaying themusic,however attunedheor she is to each instrument—and as a string player, I considermyself particularly sensitive to the physicalmotionsofthebow.However,inmyeternalquesttofindtherighttempoforthemusic, inmy desire to reveal the aching, arching long lines and the turbulentfrenzy of Mahler’s expression, I had probably been led to move the temposomewhatfaster,therebysacrificingtheplayer’svitalkinestheticrelationshipofbowtostring.Thecostwasthediscomfortandfinallytheresignationofavaluedmemberoftheviolinsectionofoneoftheworld’sgreatestorchestras.Thatwastoohighaprice.

My usual routine on the day of a concert is to go tomy room after themorning’srehearsalandtakealongsleep,thenshower,eattwoEnglishmuffinsandascrambledeggwithsomenicestrongEnglishtea,andreturntothehalltogivemycustomarypreconcert talk.This time, however, it all changed. IwentbacktomyhotelroomandspenttheafternoonwithMahler’sscore, imagininghowitwouldfeeltoplayeachpassageontheviolin.Itwasobviouslynotalltoofast.Maybethispassage?Maybethatone?Attheconcertthatevening,Islightlybroadened each of the passages that I had decided might have presented aproblemforTanya’sbow.

Duringtheperformance,Ifrequentlyglancedinherdirection,andthereinher seat was an impassioned, unabashedly demonstrative player totallyenraptured by the music. Although we would have played a more thanrespectableperformancewithoutthefullparticipationofTanya,theengagementofthatextra1percentcausedadisproportionatebreakthroughbecauseoncesheandIwereinrelationship,Itoocouldbefullypresent.WhenIhadbeenviewingherasanunimportantcasualty,Ihadtopretenditdidnotmatter thatforsomereason she was not engaged.Meanwhile, I wasted energy both watching andignoringher.

AftertheconcertTanyawasnowheretobefound,butafewweekslaterIdecided to track her down to thank her for the lastminute coaching that hadhelpedusgivesuchastirringandsatisfyingperformance.IobtainedherphonenumberfromthePhilharmoniaofficeandcalledonemorningfromBostontotheLondonsuburbwhereshelived.

TanyaseemedaudiblyshakenwhenIidentifiedmyself.Sheconfessedthatshehadneverreceivedacall fromaconductorathomebefore.Sherespondedwith delight as I expressed my deep gratitude for her contribution to ourperformance of Mahler’s Ninth. It emerged that Mahler was her favoritecomposer,thatshewaspassionateaboutallhiswork,andthattheperformancewehaddonetogetherwasoneofthehighpointsofhermusicallife.

ThelessonIlearnedisthattheplayerwholooksleastengagedmaybethemostcommittedmemberof thegroup.Acynic,afterall, isapassionatepersonwho does not want to be disappointed again. Tanya, the Mahlerian parexcellence, had decided to “sit out” that performance because itwas going todisappoint her again. I learned fromTanya that the secret is not to speak to aperson’scynicism,buttospeaktoherpassion.

WhenIinitiallyapproachedTanya—nottoreprimandarecalcitrantmemberof the team fornotpullingherweight, but ratherwith the attitude, the certainknowledge,thatshelovedthemusic,thatshewantedtheconcerttobeasuccess,that she wanted to “get into the string” with her bow—I gave her anA.My

questiontoher,“Isthereanythingamiss?”wasaquestiontosomeoneIimaginedtobecompletelycommittedtotheprojectwewereengagedintogether,someonewho,forwhateverreason,washavingahardtime.

When I returned to the Philharmonia the next season, Tanya greetedmeenthusiastically.Asaresultofmyexperiencewiththisviolinist,itseemedthatIhadawarmerrelationshipwithalltheplayersthere.Duringthebreakatoneofthe rehearsals of Mahler’s Second, after we had been working on the subtlylilting,Viennesewaltz-likesecondmovement,Islippedintothechairbesidemynewfriend.“Atinybitslow,don’tyouthink?”shemurmured.

THEPRACTICEOFgiving theAboth inventsandrecognizesauniversaldesire inpeople to contribute to others, no matter how many barriers there are to itsexpression.Wecanchoosetovalidate theapathyofaboss,aplayer,orahighschool student and become resigned ourselves, or we can choose to honor inthemanunfulfilledyearning tomakeadifference.Howoften, for instance,dowe see teenagers slumped into that same resignedposition inwhichTanya satthroughthoserehearsals?Howdifferentlywouldweunderstandandspeakwiththem were we to hand them permanent, unqualified A’s, without denyinganything thathappens inourdealingswith them?Starting from theconvictionthat adolescents are looking for an arena in which to make an authenticcontributiontothefamilyandtothecommunity,thefirstthingwewouldnoticeis how fewmeaningful roles are available for young people to fill. Then wemightseehow,intheabsenceofapurposegreaterthanthemselves,adolescentsretreattothesidelinesasthoughtheirexistencewereinconsequential.

SECONDFIDDLE-ITIS:THEHABITOFTHINKING YOU MAKE NODIFFERENCE

BEN:AftertheinitialdiscussionandexcitementovertheAsubsides,Ipredicttothe students inmyFriday class that itwill not be longbefore a voice in theirheadswillwhispersomethingalongtheselines:

WhyshouldIbothertogotoclasstoday?IalreadyhavemyA.AndI’vegotsomuch to do; I really need to practice onmy own.Anyway, it’s such alargeclass,heprobablywon’tevennotice.

I tell the students that this is the first symptom of a widespread diseasecalled“secondfiddle-itis,”popularlyknownas“playingsecondfiddle.”Peoplewhoperceivetheirroleinagrouptobeoflittlesignificance(secondviolinsforexample) are particularly vulnerable to its ravages. The string players in anorchestraoftenseethemselvesasredundantfootsoldiers,virtualcannonfodderfortheegotisticalwhimoftheconductor.Manyotherplayers,afterall,duplicatetheirpart.Thisisnottruefortheleadtrumpetorthemainwindplayers,whoaresoloistswithintheorchestra.

Astringplayerjustenteringanewpositioninanorchestrawilloftenstartoffwithgreatenthusiasm,takehisparthomeatnight,andcontinuetodocarefulandregularpracticeinhissparetime.However,whenitbeginstodawnonhimthathisstandpartnerstoppedpracticingyearsagoand that theconductordoesnot seem to careor even tohearwhenplayers areoutof tune,he tooquicklybeginstoshowsignsoftheonsetofthedisease.

Afirstoboist,ontheotherhand,isunlikelytogiveupmakingreedsortomissarehearsal.Itissimplytoonoticeable.Inallmyyearsofconducting,IdonotbelieveIhaveeverknownafirstoboetobelateforarehearsal.IsitbecausetheoboehastobethereatthebeginningtotuneeveryonetotheA?

“So,”Itelltheclass,“thenexttimeyouhearthelittlesecond-violinmelodyinyourheadthatsays,‘I’mnotgoingtoclassbecauseI’mtootired,’or‘Ihavetoomuch todo,and I know itwon’tmakeanydifferenceanyway’—rememberthat you are anA student. An A student is a leading player in any class, anintegralvoice,andtheclasscannotmakeitsmusicwithoutthatvoice.”

Once,inSpain,Isawabigsignoutsidealittleshop.Itread:

ALVAREZShoemaker

andLessonsin

SecondViolin

I found myself hoping that Alvarez’s great humility did not irrevocablylimittheaspirationsofhisstudents.

However,when Imyself had theprivilegeof playing stringquartetswithRobertKoff,thefoundingsecondviolinistoftheJulliardStringQuartet,Icameawayconvincedthattherealleaderofthestringquartetisthesecondviolin.NotbecauseKoffdominatedtherestofus,butbecauseinhisparthehadalltheinnerrhythms and harmonies, and he gave them such clarity and authority that wewere all tremendously influenced by his playing.Hewas leading us from the“seconds.” In a truly great string quartet, all four players are doing thatsimultaneously.

ROZ:Oneyear,partway into thesecondsemester,Benaskedme to teachhisgraduate class at the Conservatory while he was conducting in Europe. Thestudents were always interested in learning new techniques for dealing withstagenerves,andhefeltIhadsomethingimportanttoofferthemonthatsubject.

However,asIwasdrivingtotheConservatory,IwasdismayedtofindthatIwastheonewhowasunaccountablynervous.Mythoughtsflewwithhorrortothe next two hours: I pictured myself in front of the class, white-faced andshaken,whilewediscussedthestudents’performanceanxiety.Thiswaslikelytobecompletelyhumiliating.

ThefirstthingIdidwasattempttomanagethefear:Iinstructedmyselfto“staywiththeemotion,”anideathatprovedsingularlyunhelpful.ThenIberatedmyselffornotbeingabletohandlemyownanxiety.

ItdidnotoccurtometolooktoseewhatgradeIwasgivingthegraduatestudentsIwasabouttoaddress.

WhenIsteppedinfrontoftheclass,Iwasstillintenselyanxiousandself-absorbed,butasIstartedtospeak,thingsshifted.“I’mthrilledtobehere,”Isaid(alieintransitiontowardthetruth),“because…(Ididn’tyetknowwhatIwasgoing to say)…becauseyouareagroupofartists…and I couldn’tpossiblyhaveabetteraudienceforadiscussionofasubjectinwhichIhaveapassionateinterest:creativity.”

And suddenly it was all true. Once I had given my audience an A andinventedthemascolleagues,theywerepreciselythepeoplewithwhomIwantedtoconverse,and Iwasexactlywhere Iwanted tobe. Ifwe reallydohave thechoice of sayingwho is in the classwe are teaching, or the orchestrawe areconducting,or thegroupwearemanaging,whywouldweeverdefinethemaspeoplewecannoteffectivelyandenjoyablyworkwith?

TimeflewasthisAclass inventedstories to liveandworkby,stories thatenhancedtheirpassionandcreativity.Theanswertothemysteryofstagenervesturnedouttobethesameasthesecretoflife:it’sallamatterofinvention.

GIVINGANAisafundamental,paradigmaticshifttowardtherealizationthatitisallinvented—theAisinventedandtheNumber68isinvented,andsoareallthejudgmentsinbetween.Somereadersmightconcludethatourpracticeismerelyanexercise in“puttingapositivespin”onanegativeopinion,or“thinking thebestofsomeone,”and“lettingbygonesbebygones.”Butthatisnotitatall.Nobehaviorof theperson towhomyouassignanAneedbewhitewashedby thatgrade,andnoactionissobadthatbehindityoucannotrecognizeahumanbeingtowhomyoucanspeakthetruth.YoucangranttheproverbialaxmurdereranAbyaddressinghimasapersonwhoknowshehasforfeitedhishumanityandlostallcontrol,andyoucangiveyoursullen,lazy,secretiveteenageranA,andshewill still at that moment be sleeping the morning away. When she awakes,however, the conversation between you and her will go a little differentlybecause she will have become for you a person whose true nature is toparticipate—however blocked she may be. And you will know you arecommunicatingwithher,evenifyouseethatsheistongue-tiedortooconfusedtoansweryoujustthen.

WhenwegiveanAwecanbeopentoaperspectivedifferentfromourown.Forafterall,itisonlytoapersontowhomyouhavegrantedanAthatyouwillreallylisten,anditisinthatrareinstancewhenyouhaveearsforanotherpersonthatyoucantrulyappreciateafreshpointofview.

Inthemeasuredcontextofoureverydaylives,thegradeswehandoutoftenriseand fallwithourmoodsandopinions.Wemaydisagreewithsomeoneon

oneissue, lowertheirgrade,andneverquitehearwhat theyhavetosayagain.Eachtimethegradeisaltered,thenewassessment,likeabox,definesthelimitsofwhatispossiblebetweenus.

MAHLERANDKATRINE

BEN: A member of my orchestra demonstrated the miracles that can happenwhen you drop all your limiting assumptions about a child’s interests andunderstanding,withoutapplyingexpectationsofanykind.

The Boston Philharmonic had scheduled a fall performance of Mahler’sNinth Symphony, and because of the extraordinary difficulty of the music Idecidedtosendatapeofthepieceouttoeverymemberoftheorchestra,sotheycouldgettoknowitoverthesummer.Oneofourviolinists,AnneHooper,tookthetapewithhertoanislandoffthecoastofMaine,whereshewasvisitingwithherfamily,andplayeditonherboombox.

Her five-year-old niece, Katrine, stopped to listen for a while, and thenasked, “Auntie Anne, what is this music about?” Anne set out to weave awondrous tale for the little girl, telling her a story about awild and fearsomedragonandabeautifulprincesswhoislockedupinacastle.Forthedurationofthe ninety-minute symphony, Anne spun her tale of the princess and herhandsomeprince.

Thefollowingday,littleKatrineaskedtohearthemusicaboutthebeautifulprincessagain.SoonceagainAnneputonthetapeandletitrunitscourse,onlyoccasionallyremindingKatrineofherinventedstoryline.

When thepiecewasplaying for the third timeatKatrine’s request, abouthalfwaythroughsheasked,“AuntieAnne,whatisthismusicreallyabout?”

Anneregardedherfive-year-oldniecewithastonishment,andthenbegantotell her the true story ofMahler—how sad his life was, how he’d lost sevenbrothersandsistersfromsicknessduringhischildhoodsothatthecoffinbecamearegularpieceoffurnitureinhishouse.ShetoldKatrinehowcruelhisalcoholicfatherhadbeentohim,andhowfrightenedhisinvalidmother.ShetoldherthatMahler’slittledaughterhaddiedattheageoffour,thatheneverreallygotoverthatloss,andthathe’dbeenforcedtoquithisimportantjobatthefamousOperaHouse inViennabecause hewas Jewish. “And then, just before hewrote thissymphony,”Annesaid,“Mahlerwastoldbyhisdoctorthathehadaweakheart

andonlyaveryshorttimetolive.Sonow,Mahlerwasreallysayinggood-byetoeverythingandlookingbackoverhislife.Thatiswhysomuchofthemusicissosadandwhyattheendofthepieceitdiesouttonothing—it’sadescriptionofhisdeathasheimaginedit,hisfinalbreath.”

AnnewentontoexplainthatMahlerwasn’tsadallthetime.Hewasagreatlover of nature and a powerful swimmer and he loved to walk. He had amagnificentlaughandahugeloveoflife,andallthisisinthemusictoo,aswellashissadnessandangerabouthisillnessandthebrutalityofhisfatherandthevulnerability of his invalidmother. In fact,Mahler thought that he should puteverythingin life inhissymphonies—soanythingthatcanbeimaginedcanbeheardinthemifyoulistencarefullyenough.

Thenextday,Katrinecamerunninguptoherauntandsaid,“AuntieAnne,AuntieAnne,canwelistentothatmusicaboutthemanagaintoday?”Welltheydid,andagainthenextday,andinfactKatrine’sparentstoldmethatshelistenedto it nearly onehundred times that summer.The followingOctober, the entirefamilymade thefour-hourdrivefromupstateNewYork toBoston tohearourperformance in Jordan Hall. Katrine sat wide-eyed through the whole piece.Later,shewrotemeathank-younote.

Icarry thisnotewithmeeverywhereIgo. It remindsmehowseldomwepay attention to, or even look for, the passionate and the extraordinary inchildren—howseldomwegivechildrenanA.

WHEN HE RETIRED from the Supreme Court, Justice Thurgood Marshall wasaskedofwhataccomplishmenthewasmostproud.Heanswered,simply,“ThatIdid the best I could with what I had.” Could there be any greateracknowledgment?HegavehimselfanA,andwithinthisframeworkhewasfreetospeakoferrorsofjudgment,ofthingshewouldhavedonedifferentlyhadhehadaccesstootherviews.

Givingyourself anA is not about boastingor raisingyour self-esteem. Ithasnothingtodowithrecitingyouraccomplishments.ThefreelygrantedAliftsyou off the success/failure ladder and spirits you away from the world ofmeasurementintotheuniverseofpossibility.Itisaframeworkthatallowsyoutoseeallofwhoyouareandbeallofwhoyouare,withouthavingtoresistordenyanypartofyourself.

RECONSTRUCTINGOURPAST

ThepathwayoftheAoffersusaprofoundopportunitytotransformourpersonalhistories. It allowsus to reevaluate thegradeswe assigned tootherswhenwewerechildren,gradesthataffectourlivesnow,aslegendsweliveby.Howoftendowestandconvincedof the truthofourearlymemories, forgetting that theyarebutassessmentsmadebyachild?Wecanreplacethenarrativesthatholdusback by inventing wiser stories, free from childish fears, and, in doing so,disperselong-heldpsychologicalstumblingblocks.

Usually the impetus for transforming your own past will come from afeelingof hopelessness in thepresent, a sense that youhavebeen through thesamefrustratingexperiencetimeandagain.Ouranalyticpowersdon’tseemtohelp, though some of us never weary of exercising them. The people we areinvolvedwithseemsofixedintheirways.Howcanwegetthemtochange?Wetend not to notice our own hand in this ill-starred situation, so rarely are welookinginaproductiveplacefortheanswer.Whynotgivesomeattentiontothegradeswearehandingout?

ROZANDHERFATHER

ROZ: I discovered this some years ago, after a wearyingly familiar argumentwithmyhusband,onethatleftusbothirritableandalittledesperate.Iusedthemoment,alonewithmyself,togodownthepathoftheA,ratherthantofollowtheusualrouteofreproachandblame.Well-trainedtolookintothepastforthesourceof current interpretations, I askedmyselfwhatgrade I’dgiven the firstmaninmylife,myfather,andwhy.Myfatherhadbeendeadadozenyears,butwithhismemorycamethemarksI’dgivenhim.

Myparentshadseparatedshortlyaftermybirth,andmycontactwithmyfather had been sporadic from then on.He livedwith his newwife and childnearby,untilIwassixorsevenyearsold.MyoldersisterandIwouldvisithimeveryotherweekorso,butwhenhetookhisnewfamilyacrossthecountry,ourcontact dwindled. I waited two years after my sister had gone with him toFloridaonadeep-seafishingadventuretoaskhimtotakemeonasolojourney.Iwaseight.He turnedmedown. InmyteensI triedagain,withanunsatisfyingoutcome:my request resulted in a generic invitation tomy sister aswell.NotuntilIwaseighteendidIfinallygetachancetospendtimewithmyfatheronmyown.

When Iwas inmy twenties, Iwould visit with him brieflywhenever hepassedthoughNewYorkCity,enroutetosomeotherdestination.Thingswerenot working out for him the way he had hoped. He had looked forward toretirement and a life of leisure in Florida, butwhen it came, it seemed not tohavefulfilleditspromise.Wegottheshockingnewsthathehaddiedsuddenly,byhisownhand,attheageofsixty-five.

Sitting in an armchair a few years later, I asked myself some basicquestions.DoIthinkhehadlovedme?No.But,tobefair,howcouldhehave?Hehardlyknewme.Thatwastheproblem,Ihadalwaysthought,solittleone-on-onecontact.AndwhatgradehadIgivenhim?B–,maybeC.Onwhatbasis?Because he hadn’t made the effort to get to knowme, his own daughter. Hehadn’tknownmeandhehadn’tlovedme.Hadheknownme,hadhetakenthe

timetogettoknowme,hewouldhavelovedme.Sittingtherereflectingonthis,IrecognizedwhatanappallingpremiseIhad

beenoperatingunder—thoughostensiblysoreal—thatmyfatherhadnotlovedme.IlookedtoseewhetherIhadbroughtthisassumptiontootherrelationshipsandfoundthatindeedIhad.Infact,Irecognizedthatitwastheboxthateveryintimate relationshipofminehadcomepackaged in.AndwhenI feltunloved,had I striven patiently to make known my desires and to be understood andacknowledged? Absolutely, in every case. And always I had been left with afeelingoffailure.

CouldthepracticeofgivinganAdoanythingformyfatherandme?Coulditgetusoutofthisbox?Iwouldprobablyhavetostartwiththenotionthathehadlovedme,atleastsomewhat,butwherewouldIgofromthere?HowwouldIexplainthefacts?

HereishowIgavehimanA.Isaid:

Helovedme.

“Well,” I toldmyself,“if I’mwilling tosay thathe lovedme, Icangrantthatheknewme,atleastsomewhat.”

Helovedme;Heknewme.

Whythenhadhenotwantedtobewithme?Whyhadwelostcontact?

Ananswerunfoldedfromthenewpremises:

Helovedme;Heknewme;Hefelthehadnothingtoofferme.

Ofcourse.Myfatherwasnothappywithhimself.Whowouldtakehimselfso thoroughly away from theworld, but a personwho felt he had nothing ofvaluetooffer?

Forthefirsttime,tearssprungtomyeyesforhim—orforus,Icouldn’ttellwhich—but they were not tears of self-pity. The rearrangement of meaningseemedtomemorereal,andattunedtoawiserpartofme,thanthestoryIhadpreviously sworn by. I looked at other relationships I had had and saw howabsurditwastocharacterizeamanwhohadchosenapartnershipwithmeasnot

lovingmeandnotknowingme.Andfurthermore,howexhaustingtofeelIhadtoworksohardforrecognitionandacknowledgment!

Ibegantowriteadifferentnarrative:thatmyhusbanddidindeedknowmeandloveme,andwasofferingmethebesthehadtogive.ThenwhenI talkedwithhim,IspokefromwithintheframeworkoftheA,tosomeoneIhaddefinedasableandwillingtohearme.AslongasIpracticedinthismanner,Ifoundthatvirtually all the conversations we had were productive in a way I had neverbeforeimaginedtheycouldbe.

A few days after rethinking my relationship with my father, I wasrummagingthroughaboxofbooksIhadfoundin thebasement,whena letterslippedoutandfellresolutelytomyfeet.Itwasinmyfather’shand,datedsometwenty years previously. I looked at it as though I had never seen it before;indeed,IwouldhavesaidthatIhadneverreceivedaletterfrommyfatherinmyentirelife.

DearRosamund,

Itwaswonderful toseeyou. Ihopeyouchooseaprofession that involvesworkingwithandhelpingothers,becauseIthinkyouarereallytalentedatthat.

Love,FatherHeknewmeexactlythewayIwouldhavewantedtobeknown.Itworksthatway.AssoonasyouhavethegracetogivepeopleA’s,allsorts

ofthingsarerevealedthatwereasthoughhiddenbehindaveil.Letterspopout,memories return. There are new openings. When the relationship itself is nolongerinquestion,wecanaskourselves,whatnowdowewanttocreate?

MANYOFUSsufferfromtheconvictionthatourparentswithheldfromusanA.Often the advice we receive, delivered with an earnest, pitying look is, “Youcan’tchangepeople,”thoughmostofuswillgotoourgravestrying.Thatadageis true, of course, in the world ofmeasurement, where people and things arefixed in character. However, in the universe of possibility, you certainly canchange people. They change as you speak. You may ask, “Who, actually, isdoingthechanging?”Andtheansweristherelationship.Becauseinthearenaofpossibility,everythingoccursinthatcontext.

HereisaletterfromamanwhoheardaboutthepracticeoftheA,gavewaytothepowerofmusic,andtransformedhislife,allinthespaceofanafternoon.

MyDearBenjaminZander,

You have just completed a presentation to the leadership of the NorthShore–Long Island Jewish Health System. I “should” be immediatelyreturning tomy jobasoneof theSystem’sVicePresidents (sucha fancytitle,no?),butnotwithoutfirstsittingdownandbrieflytellingyouofhowyourwords,energy,andhumouraffectedmethisday.

I am the man who approached you and told you of my emotional“reunion” with my father through your presentation. He was Swiss-German,andthroughoutmyadultlifeIhavestruggledtoexplaintomyselfwhy,inthe25yearsthathewaswithme,hecouldnever,evenonce,saytome“I love you.”Oh,we didmany things as a family, and I suppose his“teachings”intheformofadmonishmentshavealwaysremainedwithme,thoughsoftened,asIhadthejoyofbecomingafathermyselfto5beautifulchildren.

Youtoldus,asyouwereabouttoplayChopin,tousethetimetoreflecton someone no longer in our lives. I thought aboutmy father and againaboutthatnaggingquestionwhichIcouldneveranswer—whycouldn’thesay“Iloveyou”?

And then, as if delivered by a bolt of lightning, I recalled an incidentthatoccurredbetweenusat least45yearsago. Iwasanasthmaticchild,andonsomanyeveningscouldnotruntothedoor(asinstructedtodobyourmother)tosayhellotomyfatherandgivehimahugandakisswhenhecame home late each evening from the hotel kitchens. I would insteadremain upstairs, bedridden, gasping for every breath,waiting expectantlyforFathertocomeupstairsandjustsayhellotomeandmaybe,justmaybe,for the first time, say“Hello, Jeanot, I love you.”But thosewordsnevercame.

And then, as I listened to your music, the memory came back of anevening,morethan45yearsago,whenIwasagainsick,andFathercameupstairs.Butthiseveningwasdifferent.Hesatnexttomeonmybedand,asIwassittinguprightandstrugglingforthenextbreath,hebegangentlystrokingmyhair for a periodof time that Iwishedwouldhave lastedaneternity.

Today,asyouplayedustheChopin,tearscametomyeyes.Itstruckmethat while Father could not say these words, “I love you,” they wereexpressedevenmorepoignantlyinthegentlestrokingofalittleboy’shairbyhis father’spowerfulhands. I recall thatashe satwithmemyasthmaattacksubsided.

Ihadcompletelyforgottenthatincident.Imusthaveburieditinmyowndesiretoperhapskeepmyfatheratadistance,tocontinuouslyproveeitherthat I was unlovable, or that hewas just a cold son-of-a-bitchwho onlyknewwork,work,andmorework.Butnotso.Myfathershowedmeloveinsomanyways.

Wekeeplookingsohardinlifeforthe“specificmessage,”andyetweareblindedtothefactthatthemessageisallaroundus,andwithinusallthe time. We just have to stop demanding that it be on OUR terms orconditions,andinsteadopenourselvestothepossibilitythatwhatweseekmaybeinfrontofusallthetime.

Thankyou,JohnImhof

THE ONLY GRACE you can have is the grace you can imagine. An A radiatespossibility through a family, aworkplace, and a community, gaining strength,bringing joy and expression and a flowering of talent and productivity. Whoknowshowfaritwilltravel?AnoldparableaddsatouchofgracetothepracticeofgivinganA.

TheMonks’Story

Amonastery has fallen on hard times. It was once part of a great orderwhich,asaresultofreligiouspersecutionintheseventeenthandeighteenthcenturies, lost all its branches. It was decimated to the extent that therewereonlyfivemonksleftinthemotherhouse:theAbbotandfourothers,allofwhomwereoverseventy.Clearlyitwasadyingorder.

Deep in thewoodssurrounding themonasterywasa littlehut that theRabbi fromanearby townoccasionallyused forahermitage.Oneday, itoccurredtotheAbbottovisitthehermitagetoseeiftheRabbicouldofferanyadvicethatmightsavethemonastery.TheRabbiwelcomedtheAbbotandcommiserated.“Iknowhowitis,”hesaid,“thespirithasgoneoutof

people.Almostnoonecomestothesynagogueanymore.”SotheoldRabbiandtheoldAbbotwepttogether,andtheyreadpartsoftheTorahandspokequietlyofdeepthings.

The time camewhen the Abbot had to leave. They embraced. “It hasbeenwonderfulbeingwithyou,”said theAbbot,“but Ihave failed inmypurpose for coming. Have you no piece of advice that might save themonastery?”“No,Iamsorry,”theRabbiresponded,“Ihavenoadvicetogive.TheonlythingIcantellyouisthattheMessiahisoneofyou.”

When the other monks heard the Rabbi’s words, they wondered whatpossiblesignificance theymighthave.“TheMessiah isoneofus?Oneofus,here,atthemonastery?DoyousupposehemeanttheAbbot?Ofcourse—itmustbetheAbbot,whohasbeenourleaderforsolong.Ontheotherhand,hemighthavemeantBrotherThomas,whoiscertainlyaholyman.OrcouldhehavemeantBrotherElrod,whoissocrotchety?ButthenElrodis very wise. Surely, he could not have meant Brother Phillip—he’s toopassive. But then, magically, he’s always there when you need him. Ofcourse he didn’t mean me—yet supposing he did? Oh Lord, not me! Icouldn’tmeanthatmuchtoyou,couldI?”

Astheycontemplatedinthismanner,theoldmonksbegantotreateachotherwithextraordinaryrespect,ontheoffchancethatoneofthemmightbetheMessiah.AndontheoffoffchancethateachmonkhimselfmightbetheMessiah,theybegantotreatthemselveswithextraordinaryrespect.

Because the forest in which it was situated was beautiful, peopleoccasionallycametovisitthemonastery,topicnicortowanderalongtheoldpaths,mostofwhichledtothedilapidatedchapel.Theysensedtheauraofextraordinaryrespectthatsurroundedthefiveoldmonks,permeatingtheatmosphere. They began to come more frequently, bringing their friends,and their friendsbrought friends. Someof the youngermenwho came tovisit began to engage in conversationwith themonks. After awhile, oneasked ifhemight join.Thenanother,andanother.Withina fewyears, themonasterybecameonceagainathrivingorder,and—thankstotheRabbi’sgift—avibrant,authenticcommunityoflightandloveforthewholerealm.

THEFOURTHPRACTICE

BeingaContribution

Strollingalongtheedgeofthesea,amancatchessightofayoungwomanwho appears to be engaged in a ritual dance. She stoops down, thenstraightenstoherfullheight,castingherarmoutinanarc.Drawingcloser,he sees that the beach around her is littered with starfish, and she isthrowing themonebyone into the sea.He lightlymocksher:“Therearestranded starfishas far as the eye can see, formiles up thebeach.Whatdifference can saving a few of them possiblymake?” Smiling, she bendsdownandoncemore tossesastarfishoutover thewater, sayingserenely,“Itcertainlymakesadifferencetothisone.”

FROM OUR EARLIEST DAYS, we understand that there are tasks ahead of us toaccomplishandlandmarkstoachieve.Lifeoftenlookslikeanobstaclecourse.In order tomaximize success, we spend a good deal of time discussingwhatstandsinthewayofit.Themaninthestoryseesonlyobstacleswhenhespeaksofthecountlessstarfish.Hewarnstheyoungwomanthathergesturesarefutile.Toomany starfish, not enough time, not enough staff or resources, results toodifficulttotrack…

Thestoryastold,however,revealsnothingaboutthe“success”or“failure”oftherescuemission,orwhatproportionofthestarfishsurvivedorperished.Itdoesnotdescribethepast,norforetellthefuture.Allwehearisthattheyoungwomanwas smilingand serene, and that shemoved in thepatternof adance.Absentarethefamiliarmeasurementsofprogress.Instead, lifeisrevealedasaplace to contribute and we as contributors. Not because we have done ameasurableamountofgood,butbecausethatisthestorywetell.

THEDINNERTABLEGAME

BEN: I grew up in a traditional Jewish household, which meant, apart frommuchwarmth and chicken soup, an assumption that all the childrenwould be“successful.”Itwasneveropenlyarticulated,butitwasimpliedinmanyfamilyinteractions.

Each evening at the dinner table, for instance,withmy parents seated ateither end, andwe four children between,my fatherwould turn tomy eldestbrotherandsay,“Whatdidyoudotoday?”Andmybrotherwoulddescribe,atwhatseemedtomeconsiderablelength,allthethingshe’daccomplished.Thenmysecondbrotherwouldbeaskedthesamequestion,andthenmysister.Bythetimeitcametome,Iwouldbeanervouswreck,becauseusuallyIdidn’tthinkwhat I had done that day was very significant. Moreover, I realized that thequestionbeingaskedwasnot really,“Whatdidyoudo today?”but“Whatdidyouachievetoday?”AndIthoughtIhadn’tachievednearlyasmuchasmyveryaccomplishedsiblings.SoIgrewupwithanundertowofanxietythatlastedintomymiddleage.

Thedrivetobesuccessfulandthefearoffailureare,liketheheadandtailofacoin,inseparablylinked.Theygoadedmeontounusualeffortsandcausedme,andthosearoundme,considerablesuffering.Ofcourse,thesurprisingthingwasthatmyincreasingsuccessdidlittletolessenthetension.

Until the splash of cold water. My second wife walked away from themarriagemidstream.

At the same time she asserted—though at first I did not listen—that wewould always be in relationship, and that it was up to us to invent the form.Clearlythefamilyhadnotbeenthrivingunderthearrangementwe’dhad.“Let’sinventaform,”shesaid,“thatallowsustocontributetoeachother,andlet’sseta distance that supports us to be fully ourselves.”Going down for the secondtime, I understood andgrabbedhold. I saw thewhole thingwasmadeup andthatthegameofsuccesswasjustthat,agame.IrealizedIcouldinventanothergame.

IsettledonagamecalledIamacontribution.Unlikesuccessandfailure,contributionhasnootherside.It isnotarrivedatbycomparison.AllatonceIfound that the fearful question, “Is it enough?” and the even more fearfulquestion,“AmI lovedforwhoIam,or forwhat Ihaveaccomplished?”couldbothbereplacedbythejoyfulquestion,“HowwillIbeacontributiontoday?”

WhenIwasaboyplayingthedinnertablegame,andlateranadultplayingthe success/failure game, I constantly judgedmyself bywhat I believed to beother people’s standards. Nothing was ever quite good enough. There wasalways another orchestra—aside from the one I was conducting—that Isuspectedwouldbringmemoresuccess,andsoIwasneverreallypresentwhenI was on the podium.When I used to go out on dates, I would find myselflooking over my shoulder for someone better. Too much of what I did wasmeasured by the success that I might gain, so I rarely had peace, eitherprofessionallyorinmyprivatelife.

Asaconductor,Ioftendrovetheplayersandtheadministrators torealizemyambition,andnomatterhowmuchsupport I received, I still foundmyselfdistrustful.ThegameIwasinwasacompetitiveone,andinthisgameyoucanmakeallianceswithpeoplewhoareonyourside,whoseobjectivesarethesameasyours;butyoucannotrelyonanyonewhoisaimingtowardanythingelse,lestitdetractfromwhatyouwantforyourself.

WhenIbeganplayingthegameofcontribution,ontheotherhand,IfoundtherewasnobetterorchestrathantheoneIwasconducting,nobetterpersontobewith than theoneIwaswith; in fact, therewasno“better.” In thegameofcontributionyouwakeupeachdayandbaskinthenotionthatyouareagifttoothers.

In this new game, it is not as though the question of where you standdisappears,orhowimportantyouare,orhowmuchmoneyyouhopetomake.However, just for the moment, those concerns are packed away in a box ofanothername,wherelifeoperatesunderadifferentsetofrules.

WHEN,INTHISBOOK,werefertovariousactivitiesoflifeas“games,”wedonotmeantoimplythat theseactivitiesarefrivolousormakenodifference.Wearesimplypointingtothefactthatanyacceptedmodelfordoingthingscomeswithanimplicitsetofrules,andthattheserulesgovernourbehaviorjustassurelyastherulesofbaseballgovernthemovementsoftheplayersonthefield.

Whenpeopleplayagame,theyagreetoacertainsetoflimitationstocreateachallenge.Inbaseball,abattertriestohittheball,butitonlycountsasahitiftheballlandswithinthe90-degreeangleformedbythefirstandthirdbaselines,

isnotcaughtintheair, isnotfieldedandthrowntofirstbasebeforethebattergets there, isnotused to tag thebatteroutorget a thirdout elsewhereon thefield,andonandon.InScrabble,aplayerseekstoattachawordatthespotonthe board that will bring him themost points, but he can use only the sevenlettersinhishandandthewordshespellsmustappearinthedictionary.

Halfthefunofplayinggameslikebaseball—orthekindthatcomeinabox—is that theychallengeus toadaptandhoneour skills towin inadistinctiveenvironmentthatitselfcanbepackedaway,orleft,oncethegameisover.Thenwecan shakehands, set up a rematch, ormoveon to thenext event. It is thenature of games to provide alternative frameworks for engagement andexpressionandgrowth,whiskingusawayfromthegrimmercontextinwhichweholdtheeveryday.

The purpose of describing, say, your professional life or your familytraditions as a game is twofold. You instantly shift the context from one ofsurvivaltooneofopportunityforgrowth.Youalsohavethechoiceofimaginingothergamesyoumightprefertoplayintheserealms.Namingyouractivitiesasagamebreakstheirholdonyouandputsyouincharge.

Justlookcarefullyatthecoverofthebox,andiftherulesdonotlightupyour life, put it away, take out another one you like better, and play the newgamewholeheartedly.Remember,it’sallinvented.

THEPRACTICE

Thepracticeofthischapterisinventingoneselfasacontribution,andothersaswell.Thestepstothepracticearethese:

1.Declareyourselftobeacontribution.

2.Throwyourselfintolifeassomeonewhomakesadifference,acceptingthatyoumaynotunderstandhoworwhy.

Thecontributiongameappearstohaveremarkablepowersfortransforming

conflictsintorewardingexperiences.

TWO GENERATIONS OFGENEROSITY

ROZ:One couple I counseledplayed averydrearygame for years, until theydiscovered the game of contribution. Robert and Marianne were both inacademicfields,andmoney,orratherthelackofit,wasanaggingproblemforthem.Theyhadonechildalreadyincollegeandoneonherway,andevenwiththe best planning, they always seemed to comeup shortwhen tax time rolledaround.

Marianne’s mother was quite well-to-do, but leaned toward a Calvinistphilosophyoffrugalityandfinancialindependence.EachApril,Mariannewouldfind herself, as she put it, “crawling home” to her mother to ask for enoughmoneytomakeuptheshortfall.Andeveryyear,hermotherwouldlectureheronherfailureinplanning,beforegrudginglygivingMariannewhatshehadaskedfor.

I had beenworkingwithMarianne for about sixmonths when her taxescamedue.Shearrivedatoursessiondreadingtheannualvisittohermother,thistimetoaskfortwothousanddollars.Thatwastheveryleastsheandherhusbandhadcalculatedtheywouldneedinordertogetby.Shewasangrywithherselfforbeinginthissituation,andangrywithhermotherformakingitsodifficulttoaskforhelp.Shefoundithardnottoresentthefactthathermotherlivedinleisurewith suchwealth,while eachof her daughters struggled tomake endsmeet. Ithoughtaboutherpredicamentfromthepointofviewofthecontributiongame.

“Doyousupposeyourmother likes to seeyouwhiningandgroveling formoney?”IaskedMarianne.“Doyouthinkitwillbesatisfyingtohertohandouttwo thousand dollars, and still leave you miserable, and battling to pay yourbills?”

Marianneshookherheadandlookedup,holdingbacktears.“Whatisthesumofmoneythatwouldmakearealdifference,thatwould

giveyouandyour familyease inyour livesand inplanning for the future?” Iwatchedherfacestruggletoaddressthequestion.Thesumthateventuallylitup

hercountenancewastwentytimestheamountshehadbeenpreparedtorequest.IaskedMariannetoconsidernotonlythecontributionhermotherwouldbe

makingtothewell-beingofherfamilybygivingherthatamountofmoney,butmoreimportant,thecontributionMarianneherselfmightbeinhermother’slife,as adaughterwhose familywasno longer at thebrinkof financial disaster. Itwasn’teasyforhertochangeherviewpoint,tothinkofherselfasacontributorymemberofherextendedfamilyinsteadofafailure.Butthatwasthechallenge.

Shetooktherisk.Shewenttoseehermotherthatweekend,determinedtoshowherenthusiasmoverthelifesheenvisionedforherselfandherfamily,andalivetoapossibilityforallthegenerationsinofferinghermotherthechancetohelpherrealizeit.

“Howdiditgo?”IaskedwhenIsawMariannenext,butIknewtheanswerfromthewayshecarriedherself.She’dhadthebestvisitofheradult life.Hermotherhad leaptat theopportunity todosomethingdemonstrablypositive forherdaughter.

“Butthat’sonlyhalfthestory,”Mariannesaid,laughing.“WhenIgotbackhome,thereweremessagesonmyansweringmachinefrombothofmysisters,wantingtoknowwhathadgottenintoourmother—shehadgiveneachofthemanequalsumofmoneyoutoftheblue!”

WHEN YOU PLAY the contribution game, it is never a single individual who istransformed.Transformation overrides the divisions of identity and possessionthatarethearchitectureofthemeasurementmodel,recastingthetightpatternofscarcityintoawidespreadarrayofabundance.

LIKERIPPLESINAPOND

BEN: After I experienced the joy of redefining my work as a place ofcontributionratherthananarenaformysuccess,IbegantothinkaboutawayofintroducingmystudentsattheConservatorytothegame.Idecidedtogivethemanotherassignmentduringthefirstclassoftheyear,inadditiontowritingtheAletter. I nowask them to take amoment in that class towritedownhow theyhave “contributed” over the past week. They naturally assume that I meanmusically,howhave theycontributedmusically,but I explain that they shouldjotdownanythingtheysaidordidthattheyarewillingtocallacontribution—fromhelpinganoldladycrossthestreettosettingtheirboyfriendsstraight.

Thisexercisehasastartlingeffectonhowthestudentsthinkofthemselves.Thereisnoplaceinitforthemtotalkabouthowlittletheypractice,ortotellastoryofhowirresponsibleorunkindtheyhavebeen.Theyareonlytodescribethemselvesinthelightofcontribution.Theassignmentfortheweekafter is tonoticehowtheyareacontributionastheweekgoesby—theyarejusttonotice,nottodoanythingaboutit—andthencomebackandsharewhattheysawwiththeclass.The thirdassignment is tocast themselvesasacontribution into theweekahead,likeapebbleintoapond,andimaginethateverythingtheydosendsripplesoutbeyondthehorizon.

Thereisanaspectofpsychologicalpracticingintheseexercisesparalleltothetechnicalpracticingmystudentsdoontheirinstruments.Itisadisciplineofthe spirit. Inorder tobeagreatperformer,youhave tobeunfetteredby stagenerves. These exercises in contribution are a way of oiling the machinery tomake one a more effective vehicle to convey the message of Brahms orBeethoven.

Itellmystudents,“Imagineyouarepianistandyoumeetsomeonewhohasno familiarity with—perhaps has never even heard—the E-Minor Prelude ofChopin.Youmightwanttositdownnexttohimatthepianoandsay,‘Listentothethemeintherighthand.Seehowitholdstogetheroverthearchoffourbars,and then the melody goes down one step? Listen to the constantly changing

harmoniesinthelefthand,howtheyringeverypossiblechangeonthemelodynote…and soon.’Asyouget caughtup in the excitementof explaining andsharingthemusicwithyourcompanion,wouldyouhavetimetobenervous?Ofcoursenot!Itwouldn’toccurtoyou.Butthisisexactlywhatyouaredoingwhenyouperform—youarepointingtothebeautyandartistryofthemusic.”

RachelMercer, a student inmy class at the New England Conservatory,wrotethisletterattheendofthesemester:

Iamnowabletousethepossibilitythatmyeveryactcanaffecttheworldtocommunicatewithpeopleinsuchawaysothatawaveof inspirationandhappiness can flow throughout the world. I know now that music is notaboutfingersorbowsorstrings,butratheraconnectivevibrationflowingthrough all human beings, like a heartbeat. It ismy job and ambition tokeepthatinvisibleandeasilycutlifelinefreeandsupportedinallpartsoflife…

NAMINGONESELFandothersasacontributionproducesashiftawayfromself-concernandengagesusinarelationshipwithothersthatisanarenaformakingadifference.Rewardsinthecontributiongameareofadeepandenduringkind,though lesspredictable than the trioofmoney, fame,andpower thataccrue tothe winner in the success game. You never knowwhat they will be, or fromwhencetheywillcome.

SARAH’SMOVE

BEN:Ayoungwomanwho had heardme give a talk, rangme up to ask if IwouldcometospeaktotheresidentsatanearbyJewishhomefortheelderly.IsawinmydiarythatIwasfreeontheafternoonofthedateshementioned,butIwasengagedwithsomanyotherprojects, includingaconcertontheweekend,thatIknewitwasfoolishtoaddonemorething.However, thememoryofmyfather livingout the endofhis life in an institution like thisoneoverrodemycommonsense,andIacceptedtheinvitation.

Thedayarrivedwithoutmyhavinggiven it further thought, andnow thepressurewasevengreater thanIhadfeared.IhadjustflownintoBostonfromWashington that morning, and with talks, lectures, classes, and a concert toprepare, the last thing in theworldI thought Ineededwas towasteapreciousafternoon with a bunch of old people. I made an attempt to cancel theengagement,buttheyoungwomanexpressedsuchdisappointmentonbehalfoftheresidents that,onceagain, rememberingmyfather, Iagreed tocome…ontheconditionthatIbeallowedto leaveat threeo’clocksharp.Thetalkwastobeginattwo.

Only one personwas sitting in the fifth row of a bank of folding chairswhen Iwalked into the rather dingyhall at tenminutes to two.She identifiedherselfasSarah.Ichattedwithheramomentandthenaskedhertomoveuptoaseat nearer the front. Sarah stood her ground. “I always sit here,” she said. Ichallenged her good-naturedly, “Who knows, Sarah, if you change your seatmaybesomethingnewwillhappentoday.”

Sarahtookupthegauntlet.“Areyoucrazy?Atmyage?I’meighty-three!”Bynowshewas standing,and,as if toprovemewrong, shemoved, from thefifth row to the fourth. I briefly considered the odds that no one else wouldarrive,andthatIhadputasidesomanypressingaffairstotalkonlytoSarah,butgradually, the remaining chairs filled. By shortly after two o’clock, a sizablegroupwasreadytobegin.Sarah,itturnedout,wasbynomeanstheoldest;onememberoftheaudiencewas103.Thetopicwas“NewPossibilities.”

Itoldnumerousstories,manyofthemaboutmyfather,whomaintainedOldWorldgraceandvaluestotheendofhislife,thoughcompletelyblind.Myfatherhadendureddevastatingexperiencesinhislife—asafootsoldierinWorldWarI, and as a man who in 1938 made the agonizing decision to move his ownfamilyfromGermanytoEngland,leavinghisreluctantmotherandauntsbehind.Thewomenwho refused to leavewere killed in the camps. I once asked himwhyhewasn’tangry.Hesaid,“Idiscoveredapersoncannotliveafulllifeundertheshadowofbitterness.”Indeed,hewontheaffectionoftheresidentsandstaffofhisownseniorcenter,CrohamLeigh,becauseofhisability to throwanewlightonanysituation.“Thereisnosuchthingasbadweather,”heusedtosay,“only inappropriate clothing.”Even on his final day,Dadmanaged tomake aparadigm-shiftingjoke.Hewaslyingonhisbed,devoidofallcapacitiesexcepthisabilitytohearandtospeakandhissenseofhumor.MybrotherLuke,whowashisdoctor,enteredtheroomandannouncedhispresence.Thedyingpatientsaidtohisphysician:“IsthereanythingIcandotohelp?”andfaintlychuckled.Thosemaywellhavebeenhislastwords.Hediedthatevening.

We talked of many things that afternoon in the home for the elderly inBoston.Ourlaughterandsinging,fiftystrong,ignitedtheairintheonce-dingyroom.Wechallengedassumptionsaboutoldageandpointedtowardsomenewbeginnings.

Athalfpast three, Iopened thefloor toquestions.Thereweremany.OneladyaskedinaheavyGermanJewishaccent,“Vydoyoubothertocomehere?You’re a talented young man. Vy do you vaste your time vit a bunch of oldpeoplelikeus?”

Quite takenaback, I confessed that earlier in theday, I hadaskedmyselfexactlythesamequestion.“Butsomuchhashappenedsincethen…,”Ibegan.Isearchedforwords toexplain the intense involvement, theexcitement,and thepeaceIfeltatthatmoment.MyeyeslitonSarah.“WhenIwalkedinhere,Sarahwasinthefifthrow,andnowsheisinthefourth!”AndSarahstood,raisedherfist, and cried, “You ain’t seen nothing yet! I just got started!”Then all of usbegantoclap,andweclappedandclappedandclapped.Theapplausewentfarbeyond thepointofclappingforSarah.Wewereclappingfor the joyofbeingalive.

As I walked out of that room, the clock said tenminutes to four. I waswalkingonair,andIhadtimeforeverything.Thewholeexperiencewasoneofradiatingpossibility.

Later, I remembered a parable my father used to tell that speaks of ourlimitedunderstandingofthenatureofthegiftstheuniverseholdsinstoreforus.

Fouryoungmensitbythebedsideoftheirdyingfather.Theoldman,withhislastbreath,tellsthemthereisahugetreasureburiedinthefamilyfields.Thesonscrowdaroundhimcrying,“Where,where?”butitistoolate.Thedayafterthefuneralandformanydaystocome,theyoungmengooutwiththeir picks and shovels and turn the soil, digging deeply into the groundfrom one end of each field to the other. They find nothing and, bitterlydisappointed,abandonthesearch.

Thenextseasonthefarmhasitsbestharvestever.

THEFIFTHPRACTICE

LeadingfromAnyChair

BEN:Aconductorcanbeeasilyseducedbythepublic’sextraordinaryattentionto his unique offering and come to believe that he is personally superior. Thenear-mythicalmaestroHerbertvonKarajanwasreputed tohave jumped intoataxi outside the opera house and shouted to the driver, “Hurry, hurry!” “Verygood, sir,” said the driver. “Where to?” “It doesn’t matter,” said vonKarajanimpatiently.“Theyneedmeeverywhere!”

Orchestral players will forgive a great conductor—one who has a far-reachingartisticvision—manypersonal transgressions infacilitationof theall-important performance, much the way a family will administer to theextraordinaryneedsofawomangivingbirth.Yetinthemusicbusiness,asinallwalksoflife,aleaderwhofeelsheissuperiorislikelytosuppressthevoicesoftheverypeopleonwhomhemustrelytodeliverhisvisionaliveandkicking.

The conductor, a magical figure for the audience, enjoys a leadershipmystique of significant magnitude. It may seem strange to the orchestralmusician that thecorporateworldwouldbe interested inhearingaconductor’sviewsonleadershiporthatthemetaphoroftheorchestraissofrequentlyusedintheliteratureofleadershipbecause,infact,theprofessionofconductorisoneofthelastbastionsoftotalitarianisminthecivilizedworld!

ThereisafamoustaleofToscanini,thegreatItalianmaestro,whosetemperandblatantlyautocraticways—asmuchashistranscendentmusicianship—werethe stuffof legend. It is said thatonce in themiddleof a rehearsal, ina fitofanger,hefiredalongstandingmemberofthedoublebasssection,whonowhadtoreturnhometotellhiswifethathewasoutofajob.Asthebassplayerpackeduphisinstrument,hementionedafewthingsthathehadhithertokepttohimself,and,ashe left thehall for the final time, shoutedatToscanini,“Youareano-good son-of-a-bitch!” So oblivious was Toscanini to the notion that a playerwould dare to challenge his authority, that he roared back: “It is too late toapologize!”

Thiskindofdominationoftheorchestrabytheconductor—widespread,ifnot thenorm,fiftyyearsago—is lesscommontoday.Butvanityand tyrannyareprevalentinthemusicworldevenintheseenlightenedtimes,andthepicture

of orchestral musicians as infantile and submissive, caught between willfulconductors, insensitivemanagement,andhypervigilantunions,isnotasrareasonewouldhope.Perhapsthatispartofthereasonwhyarecentstudyofvariousprofessionsrevealedthatorchestralplayers,whilenotthemostdisaffectedinthesurvey,experienceajobsatisfactionleveljustbelowthatofprisonguards.1

Ihadbeenconductingfornearlytwentyyearswhenitsuddenlydawnedonmethat theconductorofanorchestradoesnotmakeasound.Hispicturemayappear on the cover of the CD in various dramatic poses, but his true powerderives fromhis ability tomakeother peoplepowerful. I began to askmyselfquestionslike“Whatmakesagrouplivelyandengaged?”insteadof“HowgoodamI?”Sopalpablewasthedifferenceinmyapproachtoconductingasaresultofthis“silentconductor”insight,thatplayersintheorchestrastartedaskingme,“Whathappenedtoyou?”Beforethat,mymainconcernshadbeenwhethermyinterpretationwasbeingappreciatedbytheaudienceand,ifthetruthbeknown,whetherthecriticslikeditbecauseiftheydiditmightleadtootheropportunitiesandgreatersuccess.Inordertorealizemyinterpretationoftheworkinquestion,it seemed all I had to do was to gain sway over the players, teach themmyinterpretation,andmake themfulfillmymusicalwill.Now, in the lightofmy“discovery,”IbegantoshiftmyattentiontohoweffectiveIwasatenablingthemusicianstoplayeachphraseasbeautifullyastheywerecapable.ThisconcernhadrarelysurfacedwhenmypositionappearedtogivemeabsolutepowerandIhadcasttheplayersasmereinstrumentsofmywill.

But how, actually, could I knowwhat the playerswere feeling aboutmyeffectivenessinreleasingtheirpower?CertainlyIcouldtellalotbylookingintotheir eyes—the eyes never lie, after all—and at their posture, their wholedemeanor, and I could askmyself, “Are they engaged?” But at some point, Ifound I wanted more information, and more relationship. Our eyes meetingacrossacrowdedroomwassimplynotenough;Iwantedtohearwhattheyhadtosay.Itwascompletelyimpracticaltoattempttobeonspeakingtermswithahundred players at every rehearsal, however, and anyway, there was noprecedent for it. Traditionally, all verbal communication in an orchestralrehearsalisdirectedfromthepodiumtotheplayersandalmostnevertheotherwayaround.Anycommunicationbacktotheconductoristhroughafewleadingplayers,especiallytheconcertmaster,andthenalmostinvariablyintheformofaquestion, usually preceded by a semi-diffident, often secretly mocking,“Maestro….”

“Virtually every communication from the musicians to a conductor in arehearsal isphrasedasaquestion,evenwhenit is reallyastatementof factorbelief,”wroteSeymourandRobertLevineinanarticleinHarmonymagazine.

One of [us] once heard the principal clarinetist of a major Americanorchestra ask the conductor whether he wanted the notes with dots overthem“…short,or like thebrasswereplaying them?”[Adotoveranoteindicates that it is to be played short.] This rather complex statement,masqueradingasaquestion,conveyedboth themusician’s lackofrespectfor thebrassplayers inquestion,andscorn for theconductor’s failure tonotice the problem. But to fit the myth of the omniscient conductor, thecomment had to be phrased as a question, for how could a musicianpossiblyinformanomniscientbeing?Themythdictatesthatamusiciancanonlytapintothatwellofknowledge,notaddtoit.2

One time, as we were rehearsing Mahler’s Sixth Symphony, I made aseemingly routine apology to the players of the Philharmonia Orchestra ofLondon.You see, I had shouted out after one passage, “Cowbells, you didn’tcomein!”AfewminuteslaterIrealizedthatthecowbellsweren’tsupposedtoplayat thatmoment, so Icalledout to thepercussionsection,“I’msosorry, Iwaswrongaboutthatentrance.Iseeyoudon’tplaythere.”Aftertherehearsal,Iwas amazed that no less than three musicians came to me separately and inprivate to say that they couldn’t remember the last time they had heard aconductoradmithisownmistake.Oneplayercommentedonhowdispiritingitisfor players when a conductor, as often happens, gets angry and blames theorchestrawhenhehimselfmadethemistake,inthevainhopethatnobodywillhavenoticed.ManycorporateheadsandmanagersIhavespokentohavesincelet me know that the orchestra is not the only hierarchical setting where thisdynamicoccurs.

With the intention of providing a conduit for orchestra members to beheard, I initiatedapracticeofputtingablanksheetofpaperoneverystand ineach rehearsal. The players are invited to write down any observation orcoachingformethatmightenablemetoempowerthemtoplaythemusicmorebeautifully.AtfirstIbracedmyselfforcriticism,butsurprisinglytheresponsesonthe“whitesheets,”astheyhavecometobecalled,rarelyassumethatform.

Initially, out of habit, players confined their remarks to practical issues,such as the agreement between the parts and the score. Gradually,when theytrusted that Iwas genuinely interested inwhat they had to say, they began tosupport me, not by bolstering my authority, nor my ego, but by givingrecognition to my role as an essential conduit for the full realization of thepossibility of the music. Now that the “white sheet” practice is familiar andacceptedbyalltheorchestrasthatIregularlyconduct,thecomments,whichare

usuallysignedtofacilitatefurtherdiscussion,aremostoftenpracticalonesaboutmy conducting or about the interpretation of the music. Musicians do nothesitatetoaskme,forinstance,toconductacertainpassageintworatherthaninfour,sotheycanbetterfulfillthesenseofthemusicalline.

Frequently I receive comments that are deeply insightful about theinterpretation,comments thatIalmostalwaystakeonboardandthataffect theperformance.Anorchestraofahundredmusicianswillinvariablycontaingreatartists, some with an intimate or specialized knowledge of the work beingperformed, others with insight about the tempo or structure or relationshipswithin the piece, a subject about which no one has ever asked them tocommunicate.

WheneverItakeonanideafromamemberoftheorchestra,Itrytomakesome eye contact with them at themoment the passage is played, sometimesseveral times during the rehearsals and even at the concert. Magically, thatmoment becomes theirmoment. “Youdidmycrescendo!” said a cellistwith amixtureofdisbelief,pride,anddelightaftertheconcert;shehadwrittenonherwhitesheetonlythatmorningatthedressrehearsalthatweweren’tdoingjusticetooneofBruckner’smajesticclimaxes.

Oneof themost supremelygiftedandaccomplishedartists I haveknownsat for decades as amodestmember of the viola section of one ofAmerica’sleadingorchestras.EugeneLehnerhadbeentheviolistofthelegendaryKolischQuartet, and had coached the distinguished Julliard String Quartet as well asinnumerable other famous ensembles. Many of Boston’s finest musiciansconsideredLehner tobe a seminal, formative influenceon theirmusical lives.HowoftenIhaveconsultedhimonthornypointsofinterpretation—tohavethescalesremovedfrommyeyesbyhisincandescentinsightintothemusic!

Yet,hadanyconductorvisiting theBostonSymphonyeverconsultedhimorcalledonhisprofoundknowledgeandunderstandingof theparticularpiecethey were performing together? Indeed, I believe such a notion is almostunthinkable.OneFriday,whenhewasaguestcoachatmyInterpretationclass,Iraisedthisissue;forthebenefitoftheclassIaskedhim,“Howcanyoubeartoplaydayafterdayinanorchestraledbyconductors,manyofwhommustknowsomuchlessthanyou?”Inhishabitualhumility,hesidesteppedthecomplimentandthenindicatedthathedidindeedhavesomethingtosayonthesubject:

Oneday,duringmyveryfirstyearplayingwiththeorchestra,Irememberan occasion when Koussevitsky was conducting a Bach piece and heseemedtobehavingsomedifficultygettingtheresultshewanted—itsimplywasn’tgoingright.Fortunately,hisfriend,thegreatFrenchpedagogueand

conductorNadiaBoulanger,happened tobe in townandsitting inon therehearsal,soKoussevitskytooktheopportunitytoextricatehimselffromanawkwardandembarrassingsituationbycallingouttoher,“Nadia,please,willyoucomeuphereandconduct?Iwanttogotothebackofthehalltosee how it sounds.” Mademoiselle Boulanger stepped up, made a fewcomments to the musicians, and conducted the orchestra through thepassage without a hitch. Ever since that time, in every rehearsal, I havebeen waiting for the conductor to say, “Lehner, you come up here andconduct, Iwant togo to thebackof thehall tohearhowitsounds.”It isnowforty-threeyearssincethishappened,anditislessandlesslikelythatIwillbeasked.However,inthemeantime,Ihaven’thadasingledullmomentinarehearsal,asIsitwonderingwhatIwouldsaytotheorchestrashouldIsuddenlybecalledupontolead.

Duringarecentstintguest-conductingtheorchestraattheRoyalCollegeofMusic in London, I told, as I often do, the story of Lehner, as a way ofencouraging the greatest possible attentiveness and participation of all theplayers. Then, in themiddle of the rehearsal, I suddenly turned to one of theviolinists sitting in the fourth stand of the second violins, whose passion hadbeenevidenttomefromtheveryfirstrehearsal,andsaid,“John,youcomeuphereandconduct.Iwanttogotothebacktohearhowitsounds.”Thatdayonhis white sheet he wrote that I had enabled him to realize a lifelong dream.Suddenly,thefullextentoftheresourcesoftheorchestrapresenteditselftomyview,andIleapttooffersomeoftheothermusiciansthesamegift.Onewrote,“Ihavebeensocriticalofconductors,andnowIseethatwhatyouhavetodoisasdemandingasplayingan instrument.”Others commented that this exerciseshiftedthewholeexperienceofplayinginanorchestrafromapassiveonetooneinwhich,likeLehner,theybecameactiveparticipants.

HOW MUCH GREATNESS ARE WEWILLINGTOGRANT?

Theconductordecideswhoisplayinginhisorchestra.Evenwhenhecomesinfreshtoguest-conductplayerswhoarealreadyintheirseats,hedetermineswhoisthere.Whenheseesinstrumentalistswholooklistless,hecandecidethattheyareboredand resigned,orhecangreet in them theoriginal spark that enticedthemintomusic,nowdimmedtoaflicker.Hecansay,“Ofcourse!Theyhavehad to go against their passionate natures and interrupt the long line of theircommitment on account of the many competing demands of the musicprofession.Theywanttoberecognizedasthetrueartiststheyreallyare.”Hecansee,sittingbeforehim,thejadedandthedisaffected—orthetenderandgloriousloverofmusic.

Amonumentalquestionforleadersinanyorganizationtoconsideris:Howmuch greatness are we willing to grant people? Because it makes all thedifference at every level who it is we decide we are leading. The activity ofleadership is not limited to conductors, presidents, and CEOs, of course—theplayerwhoenergizestheorchestrabycommunicatinghisnewfoundappreciationforthetasksoftheconductor,oraparentwhofashionsinherownmindthatherchildrendesiretocontribute,isexercisingleadershipofthemostprofoundkind.

LISTENING FOR PASSION and commitment is the practice of the silent conductorwhethertheplayersaresittingintheorchestra,onthemanagementteam,oronthe nursery floor. How can this leader know how well he is fulfilling hisintention?He can look in the eyes of the players and prepare to ask himself,“Who am I being that they are not shining?” He can invite information andexpression. He can speak to their passion. He can look for an opportunity tohandthemthebaton.

TodaywasexceptionalinthatIlearnedleadershipisnotaresponsibility—nobodyhas to lead. It’sagift, shiningsilver, thatremindspeoplehuddlednearbywhy each shimmeringmomentmatters. It’s in the eyes, the voice,this swelling song that warms up from the toes and tingles with endlesspossibilities. Things changewhen you care enough to grabwhatever youlove,andgiveiteverything.

—AmandaBurr,studentattheWalnutHillSchool

LEADERSEVERYWHERE

BEN: On our 1999 tour to Cuba with the Youth Philharmonic Orchestra, wedecided to begin a concert in Havana with two pieces to be performed incombination with the National Youth Orchestra of Cuba, a Cuban and anAmericansittingateachstand.Thefirstpiece tobeplayedwaswrittenby theoutstandingconductoroftheCubanorchestra.Itwascolorfulandbrilliant,andcontainedmanycomplicatedCuban rhythms. I haddecidednot toprepareourorchestrainadvancebecauseIthoughtitwasarareopportunitytostartworkonapieceunderthedirectionofthecomposerhimself.

Maestro Guido Lopez Gavillan began rehearsing his work, but it soonseemed evident that the complex Cuban rhythms were so unfamiliar to theAmerican kids that the piecewas beyond them.They simply couldn’t play it.Themaestrobecameconcerned,frustrated,andthenresignedhimselftofailure.Hedeclaredfromthepodium,“I’mafraidthisisnotgoingtowork.Wehavetocanceltheperformance.”

This outcome was completely unacceptable to me. It was one of thecornerstonesofthistripthatouryoungmusiciansbeabletoperformwiththeircounterparts.Withoutthinking,IleapttothestageandsaidtotheyoungCubanplayersthroughaninterpreter,“Yourjobistoteachtheserhythmstoyourstandpartner.”Andto theAmericanplayersIsaid,“Justgiveyourselvesover to theleaders sitting next to you. You will get the support you need.” I asked themaestrototryagain.

What happened next startled us all. The focus shifted away from themaestro, toward the stand partners.Alreadymore expressive thanmost youngplayers I had seen, the Cubans became fantastically energized, exuberantlyconducting with their instruments, each leading along his American standpartnerenthusiastically.TheAmericankids,baskinginthelavishattention,gavethemselvesovertotheprocessandbegantoplaytherhythmsthewaytheywereintended to be played. Maestro Gavillan, who appeared as surprised and aspleasedasIwas,noddedtomethateverythingwouldbefine.

Thenitwasmyturn,andIrosetoconducttheotherpiecethatwastoopenthe program: Bernstein’s fiendishly difficult little masterpiece, his overture toCandide. This piecewas so tricky to play thatwe had sent the parts down toHavanathreemonthsearliertomakesurethattheCubanorchestrawouldhavetheopportunity toprepare.Asweweregettingready to rehearse, Iasked theirleaderinpassingwhethertheyhadenjoyedworkingontheoverture.“Butwe’venever seen it,” he said, obviously perplexed. It turned out that themusic hadbeenlanguishingintheCubanpostofficeforallthattime.

I could feel the blood drain from my face. I felt panic overcoming me,realizingtheimpossibilityofperformingthispieceunder theseconditions.Ouryouthorchestrahadtakenmonthstomastertheoverture!Then,Ilookedattheplayersandsawmanyof themsmiling.Ofcourse!Wehadonly to reverse theprocessthathadbeensosuccessfulearlierintherehearsal!TheAmericankidsnowsprangtolife,energeticallyleadingtheirstandpartnersthroughthebarlines—anditwentoffperfectly.Again,theattentionshiftedawayfromtheconductoron the podium to the partnership in the pit. The energy level of each local“conductor” rose dramatically. No less remarkable was the willingness of theyoungCubanplayers tobe supportedand ledby their closecompanions—andhowmuchmoreeffectivelythanbythedistantfigureonthepodium.

LIKELEHNER’STALE,thestoryoftheseyoungpeoplehighlightsanothermeaningof the phrase silent conductor. A leader does not need a podium; she can besitting quietly on the edge of any chair, listening passionately and withcommitment, fullyprepared to takeup thebaton. In fact, tomake reference totheRabbi’sgiftinthethirdpractice,theleadermaybeanyoneofus.

Mr.Zander,

Thisismyfirstwhitesheet.Sittingatthebackofthecellosection,whenIhavealwayssatatthefront,wasthehardestthingI’vedoneinalongwhile.But over the nine days of our work together I began to discover whatplaying in an orchestra was really about. Your shine has inspired me tobelieve that I have the force of personality to power the section fromwherever I sit and I believe that I led that concert from the 11th chair.Thankyouforhelpingmeknowthat.FromthisdayIwillbeleadingeverysectioninwhichIsit—whicheverseat.

—Georgina,cellistintheNewZealandNationalYouthOrchestra

Here is a final story of a committed and passionateman, a colleague ofEugene Lehner’s, who led as a peer from the edge of his chair with so littlefanfarethatnooneactuallynoticedhim.Theyjustheardtheremarkableresult.

The legendaryKolischQuartet had the singular distinction of playing itsentire repertoire frommemory, including the impossibly complex modernworks of Schoenberg,Webern, Bartok, andBerg. Eugene Lehnerwas theviolistforthequartetinthe1930s.Lehner’sstoriesabouttheirremarkableperformances often included a hair-raising moment when one player oranotherhadamemoryslip.Althoughherelishedtherapportthatdevelopedbetween themwithout theencumbranceofamusic stand,headmits therewashardlyaconcertinwhichsomemistakedidnotmartheperformance.The alertness, presence, and attention required of the players in everyperformance ishard to fathom,but inoneconcertaneventoccurred thatsurpassedtheirordinarybrinkmanship.

In themiddle of the slowmovement ofBeethoven’s StringQuartet op.95, justbeforehisbigsolo,Lehnersuddenlyhadan inexplicablememorylapse,inaplacewherehismemoryhadneverfailedhimbefore.Heliterallyblackedout.ButtheaudienceheardOpus95asitwasmeanttobeplayed,theviolasolosoundinginallitsrichness.Eventhefirstviolinist,RudolphKolisch,andcellist,BennarHeifetz,bothwiththeireyesclosedanddeeplyabsorbed in the music, were unaware that Lehner had dropped out. Thesecond violinist, Felix Khuner, was playing Lehner’s melody, coming inwithout missing a beat at the viola’s designated entrance, the notesperfectly in tune and voiced like a viola on an instrument tuned a fifthhigher. Lehner was stunned, and offstage after the performance askedKhunerhowhecouldhavepossiblyknowntoplay.Khuneransweredwithashrug:“Icouldseethatyourthirdfingerwaspoisedoverthewrongstring,soIknewyoumusthaveforgottenwhatcamenext.”

THESIXTHPRACTICE

RuleNumber6

Two prime ministers are sitting in a room discussing affairs of state.Suddenlyamanburstsin,apoplecticwithfury,shoutingandstampingandbanginghisfistonthedesk.Theresidentprimeministeradmonisheshim:“Peter,”hesays,“kindlyrememberRuleNumber6,”whereuponPeter isinstantly restored to complete calm, apologizes, and withdraws. Thepoliticians return to their conversation, only to be interrupted yet againtwentyminuteslaterbyanhystericalwomangesticulatingwildly,herhairflying. Again the intruder is greeted with the words: “Marie, pleaserememberRuleNumber6.”Complete calmdescendsoncemore, and shetoowithdrawswithabowandanapology.Whenthesceneisrepeatedforathird time, the visiting primeminister addresses his colleague: “My dearfriend,I’veseenmanythingsinmylife,butneveranythingasremarkableas this.Wouldyoubewilling tosharewithme thesecretofRuleNumber6?”“Verysimple,”repliestheresidentprimeminister.“RuleNumber6is‘Don’ttakeyourselfsogoddamnseriously.’”“Ah,”sayshisvisitor,“thatisa finerule.”Afteramomentofpondering,he inquires,“Andwhat,mayIask,aretheotherrules?”

“Therearen’tany.”

BEN: I amoften invited togive talkson leadership invarious settings, and inone instance, I told the Rule Number 6 story to a group of executives at acompanyinEurope.Severalmonthslater,whenIreturnedtothatcity,Idroppedby their headquarters andwas invited into the president’s office. There I wasvery surprised to seeon thedesk aplaque facing toward thepresident’s chair,inscribedwiththewords,RememberRuleNumber6.

The president then informed me that a similar plaque now stood on thedesksofeverymanagerinthecompany,withtheinscriptionfacingbothways.He said that the climate of cooperation and collegiality that had resulted from

thisonesimpleacthadtransformedthecorporateculture.

THE PRACTICE OF this chapter is to lighten up, whichmay well light up thosearoundyou.

It is not about telling other people not to take themselves so seriously,unlessyourwholegroup, like thecompanyabove,hasvoluntarilyadopted thepractice.Butyoucantellthisjoke,oranyother,inthemidstofatensesituationasaninvitationtocamaraderie.Humorandlaughterareperhapsthebestwaywecan“getoverourselves.”Humorcanbringus togetheraroundour inescapablefoibles, confusions, and miscommunications, and especially over the ways inwhichwefindourselvesactingentitledanddemanding,orputtingotherpeopledown,orflyingateachother’sthroats.

DearBen,

You’vetaughtmethedifferentroleshumorcanplayinworkingwithpeople,relaxing,empowering,freshening.Icanrememberonerehearsal,closetoaDecemberconcert,whenwewere trying toprepareBartok’sConcerto forOrchestrafortheperformance.Itwasnotgoingwell.Ithinkthatmanyofus, includingmyself,had takensomestandardized testearlier thatday, inadditiontootherrehearsalsandcoachingsintheafternoon.IknowthatIwas mentally exhausted, and we all kept missing notes and entrances.“Takeitstraightthroughthesecondmovement,”yousaidtous,“andNOMISTAKES.” I don’t know about anyone else, but allmymuscles tensed,and Iwanted nothingmore than to run away and crawl into a hole. Youmust have sensed this, because you thought amoment and then said, “Ifyoumakeamistake…afive-hundred-poundcowwill fallonyourhead.”Partly from the image, and partly from the complete surprise of hearingthatword out of yourmouth,we all began to laugh, and everythingwasbetter, including theBartok. I don’t think anything could have relaxed orempoweredmemoreatthatmomentthantheword“cow.”

—KateBennett,fromherfinalwhitesheetasagraduatingmemberoftheYouthPhilharmonicOrchestra

REMEMBERINGRuleNumber6canhelpusdistinguish(andholdatsomeremove)the part of ourselves that developed in the competitive environment of the“measurementworld.”For the sake of discussion,we’ll call it ourcalculatingself.Oneofitschiefcharacteristics,asweshallsee,isthatitlobbiestobetakenvery seriously indeed. When we practice Rule Number 6, we coax thiscalculatingselftolightenup,andbydoingsowebreakitsholdonus.

THECALCULATINGSELF

Thiscalculatingselfisconcernedforitssurvivalinaworldofscarcity.Itsvoice,thevoiceofPeterorMarie, isaversionof theone thatannouncedourarrivalhereonearthwithwailsandcries,andthenlearnedtosmilecoylyorstampitsfoottosay,“Takenoteofme.”

Achildisanexquisiteattention-gettingdevice,designedtosoundanalarmatthefirstindicationthathewillbeforgottenorrelegatedtoapositionwherehedoesnotcount.Heneedsthecareandattentionofstrong,competentpeople tomake it through, and nature obliges by endowing him with enough fear andaggression to stimulate him to hold on fiercely to sources of viability. Hiseducationinthewaysofrelationshipsetshimtheprimarytaskofunderstandinghierarchy, assessing where the power is, and learning what he must do to beaccepted.Achild’s ability to controlhispositionand theattentionofothers iscritical,muchmoreimportantthancontrolisfortheaverageadultonanaverageday.

FrankSulloway,aformerresearchscholarattheMassachusettsInstituteofTechnologyintheDepartmentofBrainandCognitiveSciences,suggeststhatwethinkof“personality”asastrategyfor“gettingoutofchildhoodalive.”1Eachchild in a family stakes out her own territory of attention and importance bydevelopingcertainaspectsofhercharacterinto“winningways.”Onechildmaybe sociable and outgoing, another may be quiet and thoughtful, but both areaimedat thesamething:tofindasafeandidentifiablenicheinthefamilyandthecommunityandtopositionthemselvestosurvive.Anxietyregulatesbehaviorandalertsthechildtothedangersofbeingone-down,unattendedto,orataloss.

The survivalmechanisms of the child have a great deal in commonwiththoseoftheyoungofotherspecies,saveforthefactthatchildrenlearntoknowthemselves.Theygrowupinamediumoflanguageandhavealong,longtimetothink.Achildcomestothinkofhimselfasthepersonalityhegetsrecognitionforor,inotherwords,asthesetofpatternsofactionandhabitsofthoughtthatgethimoutofchildhoodinonepiece.Thatset,raisedtoadulthood,iswhatwe

arecallingthecalculatingself.Theprolongednatureofhumanchildhoodmaycontribute to the persistence of these habits long after their usefulness haspassed.

No matter how confident or well-positioned this adult self appears,underneath the surface it isweakandsees itself asmarginal, at risk for losingeverything.Thealertness toposition thatwasadaptiveat anearlier time inanindividual’s life—and in the history of our species—is still conceptuallyoperativeinlateryearsandkeepssignalingtotheself that itmust trytoclimbhigher, get more control, displace others, and find a way in. Fortunately, theperception of what “in” is, and where it is located, is likely to vary betweenindividualsandgroups.Longafteranyrealvestigesofchildhoodthreatsremain,thisbuilt-inalarmsystemexaggeratesdangerinordertoinsureitslife.

Inour talks,weportray thecalculatingself as a ladderwith a downwardspiral. The ladder refers to the worldview that life is about making progress,striving for success, and positioning oneself in the hierarchy. The downwardspiral represents, among other things, the slippage that occurswhenwe try tocontrolpeopleandcircumstancestogiveourselvesaboost.Whenthis leads toconflict,wearelikelytothinkthatwehaverunupagainstdifficultpeopleandhave learnedan important lesson.Webecomemorehard-headedandpractical.Inevitablyourrelationshipsspiraldownward.Asthecalculatingselftumblesoutofcontrol, it intensifies itsefforts toclimbbackupandget incharge,and thecyclegoesroundandround.

How do we learn to recognize the often-charming, always-scheming,sometimes-anxious, frequentlyconnivingcalculatingself?Onegoodway is toaskourselves,

Whatwouldhavetochangeformetobecompletelyfulfilled?

Theanswertothisquestionwillclueusintotheconditionsourcalculatingselffindsthreateningorevenintolerable,andwemayseethatourzealtobringaboutchangemaybenefitfromalightertouch.Theintolerableconditionmaybeaplaceorasituation,butveryoftenitisanotherperson.

THEBESTSEXEVER

ROZ: For several years I have been running an “accomplishment program,”where people meet regularly in groups for coaching on the completion ofindividualprojects.Thenatureoftheseprojectscanvarywidely,fromstartingabusiness, to designing a complex Web site, to working through a difficultrelationship. But the intent of the accomplishment program is larger than theachievementofspecificgoals.Itisaboutlivinglifeintherealmofpossibility.

Overthecourseofeachweek,theparticipantsdefineandfollowthroughonthreesteps thatwill take themtoward theirgoals.Theycanadjust thesteps toany size as they go along, so it is virtually impossible to fail. In addition, thewholegroup is invited to play a commongamedesigned to awaken creativityandhighlighttheobstructivenatureofthecalculatingself.Peopleoftendiscoverthatthelessonstheylearnwhileplayingthegamesaretheverytoolstheyusetomaketheirprojects,andtheirlives,leapahead.

One game I frequently assign comes in the form of “Have theBest___Ever.” This is to encourage people to create an experience that isextraordinarily satisfying regardless of the circumstances around them.So, forexample,ifthegameis“HavetheBestMealEver,”itdoesnotsaytoeatalot,ortogotoanexpensiverestaurant.Itdoesnotsay“Dothethingsthatyouthinkarethemostlikelytogetyoutoyourgoal.”Theinstructionssay,“Have it.Befulfilled.” Often, that means becoming aware of the fears, opinions, andpositions your calculating self has adopted that stand in the way of simplefulfillment.IfyoucanrememberRuleNumber6duringthegame,youmayhaveastraighterrunatventuresthatwillreallymakeadifferenceinyourlife.

I presented this game to one of the accomplishment groups afterwe hadbeen working together for several months, and I gave them the choice,collectively, to fill out the phrase, so they could set the ante for themselves.Together they decided that “sex” was the only word in the entire Englishlanguageworthputtingintheblank.So,“HavetheBestSexEver”becamethegameoftheweek.

Onemember of the groupwas not happy about the choice, although shewentalongwiththeothers.Junehadleftherhusband,Mark,earlierintheyearaftera longstruggle tochangehim.Shehadfounditnecessary toerectstrongboundaries between herself and this charismatic, energetic, and self-absorbedman,andshewasn’tabouttobackdown.“Mark’snotgoingtochange,”shekepttellingus,butitwasshewewereinterestedin.Weremindedherthatshecouldinterpret the instructions any way she wanted. In the absence of an intimatepartner,perhapsametaphoricalinterpretationof“sex”wasawaytomoveahead.Afterall,theinstructionssaid,“HavetheBestSexEver,”not,“Haveamiserabletimeagainstyourwillwitharagingnarcissist.”

Junewasmeticulousenoughaboutherparticipationinthegrouptowanttogivethegameatry,thoughnoneofushadaclueastohowshewouldproceed.Whatwouldshediscoveraboutherself?Wehadlearnedtotrustthemysteriouspowerofplay.

And,ofcourse, Iwouldn’tbe telling this tale if Junehadn’t appeared thenextweeklookingradiant.Thisisherstory:

June went on a three-day business retreat and, as is the practice in ourgroup,gaveanothermember,Ann,permissiontocoachherbytelephoneasshetackledtheassignment.Annwaswarmingto thegameinherrelationshipwithJoe,whileJunedescribedherselfasaroyalpain,protestingthattheinstructionto“Have the Best Sex Ever” was both immoral and entirely unsuitable for awomaninherposition.

“ButAnnkept remindingme that our agreementwas at the very least togive thegamea try,whetherweweresuccessfulornot. Ihadn’tyet imaginedwhowouldbemypartner,because I thoughtmyhusbandwas the lastmanonearthIwouldgonear.ButIwasshockedtodiscoverthatassoonasIreallyletmyselfthinkaboutit,Iknewhewouldbetheone.”

Thegroupgotveryquiet,asthoughanycarelessgesturewouldtopplethisfragileconstruction.

“AndthenIrememberedRuleNumber6andIaskedmyself,‘Whatwouldhavetochangetomakethispossible?’And,ofcourse,Icameupwiththeusualanswer that he would have to change, he would have to stop being so self-centered.” June looked around, with a mischievous smile, “We’re all inagreement,aren’twe,thatMarkhasanarcissisticpersonalitydisorder,andwillneverchange?”Nooneknewwhattosay.Junelaughed.

I realized I hadbeen takingmyself pretty goddamn seriously.“Why can’tyou have the Best Sex Ever with a self-centered guy?” I said to myself.“Lightenup.”

Itwas strange. SuddenlyMark’s self-absorptiongot disentangled fromthe idea of making love. I realized that I’d always been enormouslyattractedtoguyswhoareself-absorbedandpassionateaboutwhattheydo.Ihadthissense,inthatfractionofamoment,thatitwaspossible…makinglove,fullymakinglovewithsuchamanwasofcoursepossible.Afterall,ithadbeenonce.Thisrealizationinitselfwassointeresting,sonew,thatforamomentIfeltdaringenoughtogotoapayphone…

Icalledhim,andthiswasverydifficultbecauseitwaslikesayingIwaswrongandhewasright.Mypridekeptflaringup,Ifeltverynervous,andalittlecrazybecauseIdidn’trecognizemyself.Iwashopinghewouldn’tbehome,butofcoursehewas.Anditturnedoutthatitwaseasytotalktohim,eventhoughwehadn’tspokenforquiteawhile.Itoldhimaboutthegame.Andafteranawkwardsilence,Iaddedtheotherhalfoftheinvitation.“Idothinkitwouldbeagoodideaifwemadelove.”

HewassoquietthatIgotfrightenedtheotherway.Ididn’twanttoberejected.Andthenhesaid,“Thiscallmusthavetakenalotofcouragetomake.”

I was at a loss for words.Where had this sensitivity come from, thisempathy—inmyself-centeredmate?WeagreedtohavedinnerathisplaceonFridaywhenIreturned.

Andthenthingsbegantochange…Irememberwalkingdownacountryroadandbeingawareofeverything…thesmellofthegrass,theshapeofthe riverbank … everything was sensual; it was as though nature wasconspiringwiththegame.OnthewayintotownIstoppedatafruitstandtobuy dessert, andmy eyewas caught by flowers in a pail. I foundmyselfarrivingat thehouseFridaynight carrying flowers inmyhand!ThroughallmynervousnessIhadtolaugh.HereIwas,aonce-decisivewomanwhohad had the courage of her convictions to leave her husband—a manbeyond repair—now bringing flowers to the scoundrel’s door. What adrama!Thenwewerebothlaughingandthrowingcautiontothewinds.Theeveningwespent togetherwas likeaweek’svacation,but itwasalso likecominghome.

Weall lookedat eachother indisbelief. Junehadbecome somuchmoreexpressive, somuchmore human than we had ever seen her. Soon came theinevitable question. Someone asked, “But isn’t it important to make somedecisionsaboutpeople’sbehavior,tosetboundariesandstandfirmforwhatyoubelieve?”

I answered, “Of course, but do you think that iswhat Junewas doing? I

think she was hurt, plain and simple, asMark overlooked her time and timeagain. And instead of revealing her hurt, she built up a case that Mark wasdangerous,althoughhewasn’tadangerinanyrealsenseatall.Ithinkshefeltmore powerful as the judge, but the diagnosis she assigned to him stuck, andfromtherearoseastoryofaguynooneintheirrightmindcouldtolerate.Whenshe asked herself, “What would have to change for me to be completelyfulfilled?” June recognized her own calculating self in action. She stoppedtakingherself andher story so seriously, and suddenlywasable todistinguishherhusbandfromthediagnosisshehadgivenhim.”

Juneadded,“Youknow,I realizedafter thatoneamazingeveningIcouldhavewalked away from themarriage, andMark and Iwould have stayed thebest of friends. I could have said, ‘I’d rather not,’without feeling resigned orembattled.Ifinallyhadachoice.”

BRINGINGDREAMSTONEWCASTLE

BEN:OnesummerItaughtamasterclassatafestivalinNewcastle,whichwasfilmedbytheBBC.Oneofthestudentsintheclasswasayoungtenorwhohadjust landed a job at the prestigious La Scala Opera Company in Milan andeverythingabouthisdemeanorsaidthatweweretotakehisrecentsuccessveryseriouslyindeed.

He was to sing “Spring Dream” (“Frülingstraum”), from Schubert’sDieWinterreise, a song cycle that describes the yearning depressive journey of ajiltedloverthroughthecolddaysofthesoul.Inthissong,theheroisdreamingoftheflowersandmeadowsofaspringtimepastwhenhedelightedinthewarmembraces of his beloved. The gently lilting music conjures up blissful joy,blissful fulfillment. Suddenly a crow screams from the rooftops—he awakensanddiscoversitisdarkandcold.Halfinadream,hemistakesthefrostpatternson thewindowfor flowersandasks,“Whopainted thoseflowers there—whenwilltheyturntogreen?”Theanswercomestohim:“WhenIhavemylovedonein my arms again.” But, despite the major key, we know from the dynamicmarkingsandtheshapeofthephrasingthathewillnevergetherback.

Thismusic is some of themost intimate, soft, subtle, and delicate in therepertoire. Itdepends for its expressiononanunderstandingof thenuancesofsadness, vulnerability, and never-ending loss. Butwhen Jeffrey began to sing,therewasnotraceofmelancholy.Outpouredagloriousstreamofrich,resonant,Italianatesound.PureJeffrey,takinghimselfveryseriously.HowcouldIinducehimtolookpasthimselfinordertobecomeaconduitfortheexpressivepassionofthemusic?

Ibeganbyaskinghim ifhewaswilling tobecoached.“Oh, I love tobecoached,”hesaidbreezily,thoughIdoubthehadanyideaofwhatwastofollow.Forforty-fiveminutes,Iengagedinabattleroyal,notwithJeffreybutwithhispride,hisvocaltraining,hisneedtolookgood,andtheyearsofapplausehehadreceivedforhisextraordinaryvoice.AseachlayerwaspeeledawayandhegotcloserandclosertotherawvulnerabilityofSchubert’sdistraughtlover,hisvoice

lostitspatinaandbegantorevealthehumansoulbeneath.Hisbody,too,begantotakeonasoftenedandroundedturn.Atthefinalwords,“WhenwillIhavemyloverinmyarmsagain?”Jeffrey’svoice,nowalmostinaudible,seemedtoreachus through someother channel than sound.Nobody stirred—the audience, theplayers, the BBC crew—all of us were unified in silence. Then, finally,tremendousapplause.

I thanked Jeffrey publicly for his willingness to give up his pride, histraining,andhisvocalaccomplishment,andexplainedthatourapplausewasforthe sacrifice he hadmade to bringus to a place of understanding. “Wheneversomebodygivesuptheirpridetorevealatruthtoothers,”Itoldhim,“wefinditincredibly moving; in fact, we are all so moved that even the cameraman iscrying.” I hadn’t actually looked in the direction of the camera; Iwas simplyexpressingmyconvictionthatnooneintheroomcouldbeleftunmoved.

Later that evening, in the pub, the cameraman came up tome and askedhowIhadknownhehadbeencrying.Heconfessedthathehadn’tbeenabletoseethroughhislensforhistears.“WhenIwassentonthisjobfromLondon,”hesaid,shakinghishead,“Ihadnoideathatthismusicshitwasaboutmylife.”

WHENONEPERSONpeelsawaylayersofopinion,entitlement,pride,andinflatedself-description,othersinstantlyfeeltheconnection.Asonepersonhasthegraceto practice the secret of Rule Number 6, others often follow. Now, with thecalculatingselfrevealedandhumored,thecentralselfshinesthrough.

THECENTRALSELF

Inscribed on five of the six pillars in theHolocaustMemorial atQuincyMarket inBostonarestories thatspeakof thecrueltyandsufferinginthecamps.Thesixthpillarpresentsataleofadifferentsort,aboutalittlegirlnamed Ilse, a childhood friend ofGuerdaWeissmanKline, in Auschwitz.GuerdaremembersthatIlse,whowasaboutsixyearsoldatthetime,foundonemorningasingleraspberrysomewhereinthecamp.Ilsecarrieditallday long inaprotectedplace inherpocket, and in the evening, her eyesshining with happiness, she presented it to her friend Guerda on a leaf.“Imagineaworld,”writesGuerda,“inwhichyourentirepossessionisoneraspberry,andyougiveittoyourfriend.”

Such is the nature of the central self, a term we use to embrace theremarkablygenerative,prolific,andcreativenatureofourselvesandtheworld.

Ifweweretodesignanewvoyagetocarryusfromourendlesschildhoodinto the bright realm of possibility, we might want to steer away from ahierarchical environment and aim for the openness and reciprocity of a levelplaying field—away fromamind-setof scarcityanddeficiencyand towardanattitude of wholeness and sufficiency. We might even describe humandevelopment as the ongoing reconstruction of the calculating self toward therich,free,compassionate,andexpressiveworldofthecentralself.

ResolvingConflictthroughtheCentralSelf

SincethecalculatingselfisdesignedtolookoutforNumberOne,weareapttofinditinthedriver’sseatwhereverpeopleareatanimpasse,whetherinpolitics,personalrelationships(asinJune’sstory),orinthebusinessworld.

ThepracticeofRuleNumber6givesthefacilitatorinanegotiationauniqueperspective.For the facilitatorversed in thispractice, conflict resolution is theart of paving the way for the parties’ central selves to take charge of thediscussion. In other words, the role of the facilitator is to promote humandevelopmentand transformation rather than to finda solution that satisfies thedemands of the ever-present calculating selves. In the story that follows, theassumption was made that the two men’s calculating selves would each beplotting towinoutover theother, pulling the conversation into thedownwardspiral,whiletheircentralselveswouldknowamoredirectroutetoaproductiveandcollaborativesolution.

THE INVENTOR AND THE MONEYMAN

ROZ:Twomajorpartnersofamedicalresearchfirmweredeadlockedovertheircontract with each other, and every hour was bringing them closer to theirfinancialdemise.Theyoungerofthepartners,amaninhisforties,happenedtobesittingnexttoBenonaflightfromBostontoDallas,andtoldhimthestory.Fullofenthusiasm,Benreachedforthephoneintheseatbackaheadofhimanddialedmeup. “Ohgood, Igotyou!”he said. “I’msittingnext to awonderfulmanwhohasaproblem,andIpromisedhimyoucouldsolveit.Here,letmeputhimon.”ThenextthingIknewBenhadhandedthephonetohisnewfriend,andheandIwerediscussingournextstep.

Wemetatthecompany’sofficesat9:30thenextMondaymorning.Itwasobviousthat theseniorpartner—amaninhisearlyeightiesandthecompany’sfounder—was not happy to see me, and disinclined to submit this in-housemattertoaconsultant.Hewasdemandingthatthejuniorpartnersignacontractagreeingtogoalsthattheyoungermanthoughtwereimpossibletoaccomplish.The situation had turned into an ultimatum—sign the contract, or get out andloseyourinvestment.Nochanges,nonegotiation,nocompromises.Theseniorpartnertoldmeinadismissivetonethathehadanimportantmeetingateleveno’clock.Anhourandahalfwasallthetimehewouldspendonthematter.

I took asmypremise that eachman recognized in his heart of hearts theexactway inwhichhewasbeing adversarial, uncooperative, childish, bent onrevenge,andout tosavehisownskin.At thesame timeIwasprettysure thateach man was feeling entirely justified in such behavior given his partner’sactions. In other words, I operated under the assumption that each partner’scentralselfknewtheworkingsofhiscalculatingself.Iintendedtospeakonlytotheirtwocentralselves.

Since it was the younger man who had asked for the consultation, Iassumedthathefelthewaslosingthebattle.So,relyingonhistrustandonthestakehehadinthematter,Iturnedtotheseniorpartnertotellmejustwhatkind

of a jerk—I might have used an even more colloquial term—his partner hadbeen.Thequestionwasframedtodrawoutadescriptionoftheyoungerman’scalculatingself in action, sowecould seeall theways that theolderman feltobstructed.ThecolloquialappellationIusedwasintendedtoindicate,however,thatinlinewithRuleNumber6,thisbehaviorwasnottobetakentooseriously.

And it pouredout, how theyoungerpartnerhad repeatedlypromisedandfailedtoraiseacertainamountofmoney,howdevioushehadbeen,howhehadfalsifiedandshiftedhisstorytosuithisownneeds.Theseniorpartnersuspectedhim of double-dealing, and he feared that his life’swork, his research on theproduct,wasabouttogodownthedrainbecause,sofar,theylackedthefundstomanufacture it in time tobeat thecompetition to themarket. Itwasa survivalissue for the olderman, because he identified himself so completelywith theproductofhislabors.

Ofcoursetheyoungermanprotestedthattheseallegationswerealluntrue,andwitheachwordhesenttheseniorpartnerintoafitofrenewedexasperation.

Inordertoidentifytheprimaryissueblockingtheolderman’scooperation,Iaskedhimwhatirritatedhimmostinhisdealingswithhispartner.Hegavemea straight answer, “Thathe lies tohimself and tome.” I seized theopening toestablishagreementbetweenthemaboutwhathadactuallyhappened.

“Have you raised the money you said you would?” I asked the juniorpartner.Hestartedtoexplain,andIstoppedhim.

“Yesorno?”“No,but—”“Look,”Isaid,“Ihavenodoubt thatyouhaveallsortsofplans linedup,

and that themoneymaybeabout to flow in. Idon’thaveany judgmentaboutthis.Ionlywanttoascertainwhetherthemoneyisinthebanknow.”

“No.”“So on the surface, your partner, a man whose work you respect

enormously, has reason to be apprehensive.” I was leaning toward him andspeakingdirectlyandintimatelytothecentralselfoftheyoungerman.“Thisishislife’swork.Hedoesnotwantittodisappear.”

“Yes,Iknow.”Acommontruthwastold.Thestormofcombativeenergysubsided.ThenextthingIwantedtofindoutwaswhetherthecentralselfoftheolder

manthoughtitwasbestforthecompanythatthejuniorpartnerstayorgo.Thecentral self always appraises the truth of thewhole situationwithout guile oragenda.

“Isyourpartnercapableofraisingthenecessarymoney?”Iaskedhim.“Yes,”wastheanswer,“ifhewouldonlystoplyingtohimself.”

Wehadadealinthemaking,Iwascertainnow,sincebothmenwantedtoseethebusinesssucceed,andeachfelttheotherwascapableofdoinghispart.

Myassumptionwasthatbothaspectsoftheseniorpartner,hiscollaborativecentral self and his strategic calculating self, had had a hand in writing thecontract.Thetaskwastoseparatethevoicessothattheoldermanwouldhaveachoicetodraftamoreeffectivedocument.

I asked himwhether he had any sons—had he ever become exasperatedenoughwiththeirteenagearrogancetosecretlyhopetheywouldfail?Herepliedthathissonshadnevercausedhimanytroublecomparabletotheheadachesthisman had given him. Could he perhaps understand that sometimes a person’sgoodwillissochallengedthatapartofhim(thecalculatingself)wants toseetheotherpersonstumbleandfall?Henodded.Iaskedhimifthatpartofhimhadhadahandinwritingthecontract.

“Probably.”“Myguessisthatyouknowpreciselywhatyourfriendherecanaccomplish

underthebestofcircumstances,andwhathecan’t.Soyouknowthatifthepartof you that is angered andwants to see him fail prevails, hewill fail, and ofcoursethebusinesswillgowithhim.”

Henodded,thencurtlycomplimentedhispartneronhavinghiredme.Mysensewas that theyoungermanwouldnowbe inamorecooperative

place, because he had witnessed the senior partner virtually admitting tosabotage. When you look to people’s central selves and conduct an honestconversation, a culture forms that is hard to resist. For the calculating self toemergeinthiscultureisasdifficultastryingtohumatuneinBminorwhilethechorusaroundyouissinginginCmajor.

Now the ideawas that the twomen shouldwork together tomodify thecontracttoprovidethegreatestpossiblesupportfortheirjointventure.Forthat,Iaskedtheseniorpartnertointerviewthejuniorpartnertofindoutwhichpartsofthecontractseemedunrealistictohim.

When tension arose over any particular item and the calculating selvessteppedin,Iwas there togivefullexistence to thefears.This isdifferent thanallowing thenegotiations toberunby the fears.For instance,when the juniorpartnersaid,“Ifeelthisisunfairbecauseyougetalltheupsidehere,andItakeallthedownside,”Iremindedhimthathisseniorpartnerwasfearfulbecausehehadmuchmoretolosethanmoney.“Whydon’tyoumakesurethatthecontractreflects your capabilities,” I said, “and put a little less attention onwhat willhappenifitdoesn’tworkout?”

The younger man heard my warning not to argue this point because itwould increase his partner’s fear. He recognized that his job was to earn the

confidenceofhisseniorpartner.Theoldermanwasrelievedtohave the juniorpartner’sattentiondiverted

fromhis own survival and toward thework at hand; in turn, he becamemoreflexibleinhisconditions.

Theconversationbecameincreasinglybuoyantandenergized.Perhapsthelightoftheiroriginalvisionforthecompanybegantofilterbackthrough.Bothmen were now using the strategic skills that had been so fine-tuned by theircalculating selves for a constructive purpose: to design a contract that wouldpermitthebusinesstothrive.Sowhenthejuniorpartnersaid,“Ican’tagreetohavingthatmuchmoneyinhandbytheendofNovember,butIwillhaveadealintheworksbythen.ThemoneywillbeinthebankbyJanuary1,”theseniorpartnerhadconfidenceinhisprediction.

Theymanaged towrite up the terms of the contract in a format thatwasreadytobereviewedbytheirlawyersintimefortheseniorpartnertomakehiseleveno’clockmeeting.

“Good,”saidthefoundingpartnersternly,“wefinishedontime.”Ilookedup sharply and saw the glint of humor in his eye, and realized that he hadabsorbedRuleNumber6.Theyoungerpartner,feigninginnocence,joked,“Yes,butwhydidittakeussolong?”Possibilitywasintheair.

UNLIKETHEcalculatingself, thecentralself isneitherapatternofactionnorasetofstrategies.Itdoesnotneedanidentity;itisitsownpureexpression.Itiswhat a person who has survived—and knows it—looks like. The central selfsmilesatthecalculatingself’sperceptions,understandingthattheyaretherelicsof our ancestry, the necessary illusions of childhood. Fine, if the child thinksthereissuchathingas“notbelonging,”sohecanshriekandwailatthefirsthintofbeingforgottenatthegrocerystore.Fine,ifheshouldthinkthatheneedstobe stronger or smarter than others to stay alive, so hewill exercisemind andbody,resistdrowning,andgettothefoodfirst.

However, the central self knows that “not belonging” and “beinginsufficient”arethoughtsbothasnativetousandasillusoryasSantaClaus.Itunderstandsthatthethreateningaspectsofwhatweencounterareoftenillusionsthatdonotbeartakingseriously.Itseesthathumanbeingsaresocialanimals;wemoveinadancewitheachother,weareallfundamentallyimmeasurable,weallbelong.Whatfreedom!Unencumberedbytheobstaclesthatthecalculatingselftacklesdaily,thecentralselfcan listen in innocenceforwhoweare, listenforthewholeofit,inquireintowhatishere.Thecalculatingselfwillneverhearthewhispersofcompassionbetweenpeopleonabusystreet,neverfeelthecomplex

rhythmsofourbreathingagainsttheswayingoftreesandtheoscillationsofthetide,neverattuneitselftothelongrhythmsthatgiveusmeaning.Itsattentionison its own comparisons and schemes. But the central self is open and awarebecauseitneedonlybetheuniquevoicethatitis,anexpressionthattranscendsthepersonalitythatgotitoutofchildhoodalive.

Transformation,forourcentralselves,isadescriptionofthemodethroughwhichwemovethroughlife.Atransformation isashift inhowweexperiencetheworld,andtheseshiftshappencontinually,oftenjustbeyondournotice.Assoonasapersonsetsoutonanadventure,orfallsinlove,orstartsanewjob,sheis likely to find herself feeling and thinking and talking like a new person,curiousastohowshecouldhavefeltthewayshehadjustdaysearlier.Fromtheperspectiveofthecentralself,lifemoveswithfluiditylikeaconstantlyvaryingriver,andsodowe.Confident that itcandealwithwhatevercomes itsway, itsees itself aspermeable rather thanvulnerable, and staysopen to influence, tothenewandtheunknown.Undernoillusionthatitcancontrolthemovementoftheriver,itjoinsratherthanresistsitsbountifulflow.

VikramSavkar,afriendofours,toldusthestoryofanexperiencethathadbecomeforhimaniconfortheopennessandgenerosityofthecentralself.Yetthe story he tells depicts his own central self emerging into a cooperativeuniverse,invitingustojoinhiminplay.

Last night, I visited one of my old college haunts, a seedy diner locatedsouth of the campus. I took a place at the counter next to a man whoappeared,onasecondlook,tobehomeless.Beforehim,meticulouslylaidout,werethreedollarbillsandsomechange,apparentlyallhehadintheworld.When thewaitressappeared, Iorderedahamburger—but themanput out his hand as if to slow me down. With a grand gesture, heannounced,“It’sonme.Youcanhaveanythingyouwanttonight,andyouwon’tpayapenny.It’sallonme.”IprotestedthatIcouldnotpossiblydothat. He was offering me the whole of his worldly possessions, and Icertainlycouldnotaccept suchagift.Buthewasdetermined tohavehismoment.“Youaregoingtohavewhatyouwant,andit’sonme.”Hepushedallhismoneytowardtheindifferentwomanbehindthecounter.

I was aware of every delicious bite of that hamburger, every sip ofcoffee.Withamerethreedollarsandfifty-oddcents,thismanhadcreatedahumaneworldbrimmingoverwithcharityandabundance.Thismomentaryuniverse teemed with delicious smells from the grill, while voices ofhappiness emanated from a couple chatting at a booth. And I, I had thedeeply satisfying experience of being there while all this took place. I

thankedhimforeverything.“Oh,no,”hesaid,winkingatmylast-ditcheffortstofindsomeparity.

“Thepleasure’sallmine.”

WHENWEFOLLOWRuleNumber6andlightenupoverourchildishdemandsandentitlements,weare instantly transported intoaremarkableuniverse.Thisnewuniverse is cooperative in nature, and pulls for the realization of all ourcooperativedesires.Forthemostpart it liesabitaboveourheads.Angelscanflytherebecause,asyoumayhaveheard,theytakethemselveslightly.Butnowwiththehelpofasinglerule,socanwe.

THESEVENTHPRACTICE

TheWayThingsAre

FromthefilmBabe:

Thescene:Christmasdayonthefarm.Thepig,cow,hens,andFerdinandthe duck crowd by the kitchen window, craning their necks to see whichunfortunateoneoftheirkindhasbeenchosentobecomethemaincourseatdinner.OntheplatterisRoseannatheduck,dressedwithsaucel’orange.

Duck (Ferdinand):Why Roseanna? She had such a beautiful nature. Ican’ttakeitanymore!It’stoomuchforaduck.Iteatsawayatthesoul…

Cow:Theonlywaytofindhappinessistoacceptthatthewaythingsareisthewaythingsare.

Duck:Thewaythingsarestinks!

THECOWEXPRESSESanoft-repeatedphilosophy,whiletheduck,iftruthbetold,speaks formost of us—not only about theway things are, but also about thecow’ssanctimoniousandresignedattitudetowardlife.Presumably,thecowwillgolikealambtotheslaughter,whiletheduckwilllookformeansofescape.Butwhatifthereisnoapparentwayout?Willtheduckspendwhatheconceivestobehislastdaysinmisery,flappingagainstthewallsofhiscage?

Thepracticeinthischapterisanantidotebothtothehopelessresignationofthecowand to the spluttering resistanceof theduck. It is tobepresent to theway things are, including our feelings about theway things are.This practicecanhelpusclarifythenextstepthatwilltakeusinthedirectionwesaywewanttogo.

Thecalculatingself is threatenedby suchanattempt:“Whyhangaroundandfeellikeasucker?”itasks.

Butthecentralselfexpandsanddevelopswitheachnewexperience:“Whatisherenow?”itasks,andthen,“Whatelseisherenow?”Beingpresenttothewaythingsare isnotthesameasaccepting thingsas

theyareintheresignedwayofthecow.Itdoesn’tmeanyoushoulddrownoutyournegativefeelingsorpretendyoulikewhatyoureallycan’tstand.Itdoesn’tmeanyoushouldworktoachievesome“higherplaneofexistence”soyoucan“transcendnegativity.”Itsimplymeans,beingpresentwithoutresistance:beingpresent to what is happening and present to your reactions, no matter howintense.

Say, for instance, you are on your annualwinter vacation in Florida, andrainispouringdownsteadily.Surelyyouwon’tlikeit.Youcamehereexpectingsunandwarmth,roundsofgolf,andlotsoftimeonthebeach.Thequestionis,canyoubewiththewholething,therainandyourfeelingsabouttherain?Ifyoucannot,youmightspendentiredaysbracingagainstthetruth,complaininghowunfair it is,hownobodywarnedyouabout theweatherpatterns,howthehotelought to refund your money because the brochure showed sunny skies, howwrongyourspousewasnottotakeyouradvicetogototheresortinTucson.Youmightfindyourselfrailingattheheavens,askingwhyyou,personally,arebeingpunished.Youwouldbestuck—andunabletogoonfromthere.

However, there is another choice: letting the rain be, without fighting it.Merelyexchanginganandforabutmaydothetrick:

WeareinFloridaforourwintervacation,ANDit’sraining.Thisisn’twhatweplanned;it’sverydisappointing.Ifwewantedrainatthistimeofyear,wewouldhavevisitedour friends inSeattle.AND, this is theway thingsare.

Presencewithoutresistance:youarenowfreetoturntothequestion,“Whatdowewant todo fromhere?”Thenall sortsofpathwaysbegin toappear: thepossibilityofresting;havingthebestfood,sex,reading,orconversation;goingtothemoviesorwalkingintherain;orcatchingthenextflighttoTucson.

Indeed,thecapacitytobepresenttoeverythingthatishappening,withoutresistance,createspossibility.Itcreatespossibilityinthesamewaythat, ifyouare far-sighted, finding your glasses revives your ability to read or remove asplinter from a child’s finger. At last you can see. You can leave behind thestruggletocometotermswithwhatisinfrontofyou,andmoveon.

ADOWNHILLCHALLENGE

ROZ:OneyearIwentaloneonathree-dayskitrip,withaplantoconcentrateentirelyonimprovingmyskiing.Onmyfirstrundownthemountain,Islippedand fell on a patch of ice. From then on I became vigilant, tensing up inresistancewhenever I spotted ice, and, unfortunately, therewas plenty of it. Iwas about to abandon the project and come back some other timewhen realskiingwastobehad,whensuddenlyitoccurredtomethatIhadbeenoperatingundertheassumptionthatrealskiingisskiingonsnow.IlaughedwithwhatBenoften refers to as “cosmic laughter,” the laughter that comes from the surpriseanddelightofseeing theobvious. If Iwasgoing tobeaNewEnglandskier, Ihadbetterincludeiceinmydefinitionofskiing!Iredrewtheboxinmymind,sothatnowIhaditthatskiingisskiingonsnowandice.AsIstarteddownthenextrun, my physical self coordinated easily with my new way of thinking. Iwelcomedtheice.Aseveryskierknows,resistancetoicecantakeyouonquitea painful downward slide, whereas traversing ice as though it is a friendlysurfacewillusuallydeliveryougracefullytotheotherside.

MISTAKES CAN BE like ice. If we resist them,wemay keep on slipping into apostureofdefeat. Ifwe includemistakes inourdefinitionofperformance,wearelikelytoglidethroughthemandappreciatethebeautyofthelongerrun.

MUSIC’SUPHILLGLORY

BEN: I’ll never forget my surprise when the first horn player of the BostonPhilharmonic came to me after a performance of one of the most taxing ofMahler’s symphonies in which he had played a magnificent rendition of theincredibly demanding solo horn part. “I’m so sorry,” he said. For amoment Icouldn’t imagine what he was talking about. I was struck that his wholeappearance seemeddejected and apologetic. Finally I registered thatwhat hadcaused his deflation was the fact that he had flubbed two admittedly veryexposed high notes in the course of one of his big solo passages. Perhaps hismistakemight have seemed an irritant to some in a recording heard over andover again, but in the context of an impassioned performance lasting nearlyninetyminutes,itwashardlysignificant.Infact,theall-outardorofhisplayingthathad led tohismistakehadbeenamajor contributor to thisperformance’sextraordinaryvitality.

Thelevelofplayingoftheaverageorchestralplayerismuchhigherthanitused to be in Mahler’s day. So when Mahler wrote difficult passages forparticularinstruments,likethehigh-flying“FrèreJacques”tuneforsolodoublebass in the third movement of the First Symphony, he was almost certainlyconveying,musically, the senseofvulnerability and riskhe sawas an integralpartof life.For theorchestraand theconductor,playingMahler’s symphoniesmeanstakinghugeriskswithensemble,expression,andtechnique.Wewillnotconveythesenseofthemusicifweareinperfecttechnicalcontrol,soinasenseaverygoodplayerhastotryharderinthesepassagesthansomeoneforwhomtheywould be a strain, technically. Stravinsky, a composerwhomwe tend tothink of as rather objective and “cool,” once turned down a bassoon playerbecausehewas toogood to render theperilousopening toTheRiteofSpring.This heart-stoppingmoment, conveying the first crack in the cold grip of theRussianwinter, can only be truly represented if the player has to strain everyfiberofhis technicalresources toaccomplishit.Abassoonplayerforwhomitwaseasywouldmiss theexpressivepoint.Andwhen toldbyaviolinist thata

difficult passage in the violin concertowas virtually unplayable, Stravinsky issupposedtohavesaid:“Idon’twantthesoundofsomeoneplayingthispassage,Iwantthesoundofsomeonetryingtoplayit!”

This attitude is difficult to maintain in our competitive culture where somuch attention is given tomistakes and criticism that the voice of the soul isliterally interrupted. The risk the music invites us to take becomes a joyousadventure only when we stretch beyond our known capacities, while gladlyaffirmingthatwemayfail.Andifwemakeamistake,wecanmentallyraiseourarmsandsay,“Howfascinating!”andrerouteourattentiontothehigherpurposeathand.

SOMEDISTINCTIONS

The practice of being with the way things are calls upon us to distinguishbetweenourassumptions,ourfeelings,andthefacts—thatis,whathashappenedorwhat is happening.These are not easydistinctions tomake considering theongoing inventive power of perception. The following are applications of thepractice in some contexts where we may have difficulty distinguishing ourthoughtsandfeelingsabouteventsfromtheeventsthemselves.

BeingwiththeWayThingsArebyClearing“Shoulds”

When we dislike a situation, we tend to put all our attention on how thingsshould be rather than how they are. How many times have we addressed a“should-be”childandfoundourwordsquite irrelevant to thechildwe’vegot?Thestakesreallygoupwhentheissueisnotrainorachild’swhine,buthunger,tyranny, or global warming.When our attention is primarily directed to howwrongthingsare,weloseourpowertoacteffectively.Wemayhavedifficultyunderstandingthetotalcontext,discussingwhattodonext,orwemayoverlookthe people who “should not have done what they did” as we think about asolution.

Being with the Way Things Are by Closing the Exits: Escape,Denial,andBlame

Some feelings are just plain unpleasant, like being too cold or having astomachache.Others,likegrieforanguishorrage,seemsointensetheythreatento overwhelm us, andwe look for an exit.We resist the feelings, or turn ourbacks on the situation, or foist the blame and the responsibility onto others.Closing theexitsmeans stayingwith the feelings,whatever theyare. Itmeansletting them run their course, as a storm sweeps overhead showering rain andthunder,onlytobefollowedbyclearpatchesofblue.

Sometimes the capacity to be present without resistance eludes even themost lovingparentswhen theirchildrenare troubled.Theymaynotbeable tobeartheirchildren’spain,standcloseenoughtocomfortthem,orevenlistentotheirwords.But feelingscanbe likened tomuscles—themore intensivelyyoustaywith the exercise, closing the door on escape, themore emotional heavyliftingyoucando.Thenyoubecomethatmuchmoreofaplayerinyourfieldofendeavor.

BeingwiththeWayThingsArebyClearingJudgments

TheraininFloridamaybebadforusandgoodforthecitruscrop.Acanceledflightmaywreckourscheduleandbringusfacetofacewithourfuturespouseintheairportlounge.Aforestfiremayseemtodestroyanecosystemintheshortterm,yetrenewitwithvigorfor the longterm.Whenasplendidospreyeatsabeautifulfish,itisneithergoodnorbad.Or,it’sgoodfortheospreyandbadforthefish.Naturemakesnojudgment.Humansdo.Andwhileourwillingnesstodistinguish good and evil may be one of our most enhancing attributes, it isimportant to realize that “good” and “bad” are categories we impose on theworld—theyarenotoftheworlditself.

A man goes to see his rabbi. “Rabbi,” he asks, “you told us a story—something todowithpraise?”The rabbi responds,“Yes, it is thus:whenyougetsomegoodnews,youthanktheLord,andwhenyougetsomebadnews,youpraisetheLord.”“Ofcourse,”repliestheman,“Ishouldhaveremembered.ButRabbi,howdoyouactuallyknowwhichisthegoodnewsandwhichisthebadnews?”Therabbismiles.“Youarewise,myson.Sojusttobeonthesafeside,alwaysthanktheLord.”

Being with the Way Things Are by Distinguishing Physical fromConceptualReality

Amongall thecomplexities thatkeepus frombeingpresent to things thewaythey are, oneof themost potent is the confusionbetweenphysical reality andabstractions—creations of the mind and tongue. Language is replete with avarietyof“things”thathavenoexistenceintimeandspacebutseemasrealtousasanythingweown—“justice,”forinstance,or“aesthetics,”or“zero.”Usingtheseconcepts,wecanaccomplishwhatwecouldnototherwise.Theyaretoolsthatallowustocount,tolearnfromothers,toestablishguidelinesforbehavior.Theypermitustotrafficwiththefutureandthepast.Itisimportanttokeepinmind, however, that these “things” refer only indirectly to phenomena in theworld.Whattheypointtoisnotmadeupofmatter.Theseabstractionsarepurelyinventionsoflanguage.

Thenatureofabstractionsisthattheyhavealastingexistenceexemptfromthe contingencies of time and place. The oft-heard lament of women in theirthirtiesseekingmarriage,“therearenomen,”doesnotrefertotonightinBoston.Anabstraction,suchasdestiny, thatisthoughtupinamomentofresistancetopassingconditionshasthepowertonarrowdownourlives.TwostormyFloridavacationscaneasilybeturnedintoapermanentcloudofbadkarmathatfollowsonewheneverfunisintheoffing,puttingadamperonthebrightestday.Sothispart of the practice of being with the way things are is to separate ourconclusions about events from our description of the events themselves, untilpossibilityopensup.

THEWALL

ROZ:Afamilycametodosomeworkwithmeat therequestof theirsixteen-year-oldson.Stressintheirhouseholdhadrisentosuchalevelthatthenormallyreticentyoungmanhadactuallysuggested therapyforhimselfandhisparents.The father had then obtained the referral from hismedical doctor.During thefirstvisit,thedistraughtfathertoldmeearnestly,“Hedoesn’tcommunicatewithus;he’sputupanimpenetrablewallthatexcludesusfromhislife.”Howoddforthismantoputitinthoseterms,Ithought,giventhefactthathissonhadbeentheonetoinitiatethemeeting.

Both parents turned toward their son and waited. The boy said nothing.“You see?” said his father, and went on to elaborate the image; the boy hadclosetedhimself,andthefatherwantedmoreofsomething—moreinformation,morecontact.

Now,thisissuchacommonwayofspeakingthatitsinventivepowercaneasilypassusbyunnoticed.Thefatherspokeaboutabarriertocommunicationthathesaidtheboyhadcreated,butofcourseitonlyappearedwhenthefathercalled it up. By the alchemy of language, the four people in the room wereinstantlytransfiguredintofourpeopleandawall.Themorethefatherdescribedit, themore thewall increased indensity,and themore invisible theboygrewbehindit.Takingtheboy’ssilenceasfurtherevidenceof thebarrier, thefatherseemedunawarethathehadn’tmadeanyrequestofhissonoraddressedhimatall.Thiswell-intentionedmandidnotrealizethat,byinsistingontherebeingawall between them, he had built something more solid than if he had takenmortarandbrickanderectedanunscalableramparttodividethem.Everybitofcommunicationfromthenonrelatedtothe“wall“;everysilencewasevidenceofitsenduringpresence.

How life-giving a tiny shift in speaking could become. Imagine thisconversation:“Areyouwillingtopretendthat thereisawallbetweenus?”thefather asks, and, if the boy agrees, they dismantle the wall in play, where itbelongs. Perhaps the young man suggests another metaphor, that he feels

“invisible”tohisparents.Startled,theadultsbegintoputtheirattentionontheboy-in-the-flesh in theroomwith them,withwhomreal relationshipcangrow.Imagine that thefatherbeginsaconversationwith,“Son,you’re thebest thingthateverhappenedtome,”or“Son,whataboutthiswholesituationmakesyouthe most angry?” or “Son, I’m about to tell you something I’ve never toldanyonebefore.”Theboy looksupathis father, and theyhave taken their firststepsonajourneyofpossibility.

Abstractions thatweunwittingly treat as physical reality tend to block usfromseeing theway thingsare, and therefore reduceourpower toaccomplishwhatwesaywewant.

DOWNWARDSPIRALTALK

Inthelastchapter,wesetupamodeldistinguishingtwoselves:thecalculatingselfandthecentralself.Whenweareourcalculatingselves,westruggleonwardandupwardlikecontestants inanobstaclecourse,rivetingourattentiononthe“barriers” we see in our way. Strengthening the concept of obstacles withmetaphors,wetalkabout“walls”and“roadblocks,”theirheightandprevalence,andwhatitwilltaketoovercomethem.Thisisdownwardspiraltalk,andit ispartandparceloftheefforttoclimbtheladderandarriveatthetop.

The catchphrase downward spiral talk stands for a resigned way ofspeaking that excludes possibility. “The little old ladieswho support classicalmusicarealldyingout,”theconversationgoesindownwardspiralmode.“Ourculturehasbecometotallycommercialized,andnoonewantstofundthearts.”“Nowadaysschoolchildrenareonlyinterestedinpopularmusic—audiencesforclassicalmusicarerapidlydiminishing;clearlyitisadyingart.”

Downwardspiral talk is basedon the fear thatwewill be stopped inourtracks and fall short in the race, and it is wholly reactive to circumstances,circumstancesthatappeartobewrong,problematic,andinneedoffixing.Everyindustryorprofessionhasitsownversionofdownwardspiraltalk,asdoeseveryrelationship. Focusing on the abstraction of scarcity, downward spiral talkcreates an unassailable story about the limits towhat is possible, and tells uscompellinglyhowthingsaregoingfrombadtoworse.

Whydoes it spiraldownward,whydo things tend to lookmoreandmorehopeless?ForthesamereasonthatredDodgepickupsseemtoproliferateonthehighways as soon as you buy one and that pregnant women appear out ofnowhere approximately eight months before your baby is due. The moreattention you shine on a particular subject, themore evidence of itwill grow.Attention is like light and air and water. Shine attention on obstacles andproblemsandtheymultiplylavishly.

The practice of the way things are is a reality check on the runawayimaginationofthecalculatingself. It’s like theworld-wearypolicemansaying,

“Justthefacts,Ma’am,justthefacts.”Radiatingpossibilitybeginswiththingsastheyareandhighlightsopenspaces,thepathwaysleadingoutfromhere.

Thentheobstaclesaresimplypresentconditions—theyaremerelywhathashappenedorishappening.Thefatherinourstorymightsay,“Ihavenotinquiredaboutmyson’slife,andheisnotvolunteeringanyinformation,”andhewouldbedescribingpresentconditionsinthefamily.Hemightadd:“IamafraidIdon’tknowtherightquestionstoask,anditirritatesmethathedoesn’tcometometotalk,”andhewouldstillbedescribingthewaythingsare.Thefatherwouldthenbe able to see the obvious: that sharing something of himselfwith his son, orasking some interested questions, would be a likely next step toward greaterrapport.

So, too, the chairman of the orchestra board might be satisfied with thedescription, “Therewere 800people in attendance for theMarch14th concertand700fortheprogramonApril10th,”withoutgoingontocreateatrend.For“diminishingaudiences,”likebogeymen,areneveranywheretobefoundexceptin someone’s story. You can shake hands, however, with the 700 people whoattendedtheAprilconcert,andwhileyou’reatit,passoutfliersandsay,“Can’twaittoseeyouatthenextevent!”

SPEAKINGINPOSSIBILITY

Often, the person in the group who articulates the possible is dismissed as adreamer or as a Pollyanna persisting in a simplistic “glass half-full” kind ofoptimism.Thenaysayerspridethemselvesontheirsupposedrealism.However,it is actually the people who see the glass as “half-empty” who are the onesweddedtoafiction,for“emptiness”and“lack,”likethe“wall,”areabstractionsof the mind, whereas “half-full” is a measure of the physical reality underdiscussion.Theso-calledoptimist,then,istheonlyoneattendingtorealthings,theonlyonedescribingasubstancethatisactuallyintheglass.

Thepracticeofbeingwiththewaythingsarecanbreaktheunseengripofabstractionscreatedasahedgeagainstdangerinaworldofsurvival,andallowus to make conscious distinctions that take us into the realm of possibility—dreams, for instance,andvisions. Imagine ifwewere to faithfullywhisper theimmortalwordsofMartinLutherKing,Jr.,“Ihaveadream…,”asaprefacetooureverynextremark.Speakinginpossibilityspringsfromtheappreciationthatwhatwesaycreatesareality;howwedefinethingssetsaframeworkforlifetounfold.

A practice of this chapter and of the book as a whole is to distinguishbetween talk in the downward spiral and conversations for possibility. Thequestiononeasksis:

ROZ:“IwoulddothekindofworkthatJaneGoodalldoes,butIcouldn’tfacethe horrors she sees everyday,”my daughter said aswewalked together on astony beach. Nothing about the moment could have been more perfect: thebalmy fragrance of the air, the bright and warming sunlight, seabirds callingfrom cove to rocky point, while a slight breeze caused the bluest of blues tosparklewithlight.It’seasyenoughtobefullyandpassionatelypresentonararedayinMaine,whenoneisfreeofobligationsandnothingisatstake.Buthowcanwestandtobepresentinthefaceofpain,loss,ordisappointments?

I had shared with my daughter, Alexandra, my reaction to hearing JaneGoodallspeakattheStateoftheWorldForuminSanFrancisco.Renownedforher research on chimpanzees in the wild, she has established sanctuaries inTanzaniaandinotherpartsofAfricabyworkingwiththepeopleoftheareastosupport themselves in harmony with the biologically diverse environment.Governments around the world now fund her brainchild, Roots and Shoots,which educates and helps children in at least fifty countries to care for theecosystem. As she addressed the San Francisco assembly, her quiet speakingcaptivatedtheroom,asithassomanyheadsofstate.Weheardaboutitall—thepoaching,thecarnage,thedegradationsofnature,thedestructionofthehabitat—butnothingshesaidstoodasabarriertopossibility.Hercompassionategazeencompassed it all, the good and the bad, the painful outrages and the joyoussignsoflife.Neverdidsheintimatethatanythingthathadhappenedshouldhavehappeneddifferently,notahintofblameescapedherlips,whilesherelatedtalesthatweretorturousformostofus.Shesimplytoldthewholestory,andshowedusthepathwaysleadingoutfromwhereweare,whileherfaceexpressedonlycompassion and love. JaneGoodall’s transcendent powerwas rooted in beingpresent,withoutresistance,totheworldjustasitis.

BEINGWITHthewaythingsarecallsforanexpansionofourselves.Westartfromwhatis,notfromwhatshouldbe;weencompasscontradictions,painfulfeelings,fears, and imaginings, and—without fleeing,blaming,or attemptingcorrection—we learn to soar, like the far-seeing hawk, over the whole landscape. Thepractice of being with the way things are allows us to alight in a place ofopenness,where“thetruth”readiesusforthenextstep,andtheskyopensup.

THEEIGHTHPRACTICE

GivingWaytoPassion

IfIweretowishforanythingIshouldnotwishforwealthandpower,butforthepassionatesenseofwhatcanbe,fortheeye,which,everyoungandardent,seesthepossible.Pleasuredisappoints,possibilitynever.Andwhatwineissosparkling,whatsofragrant,whatsointoxicatingaspossibility?

—SØRENKIERKEGAARD,Either/Or

ALL AROUND US is vibrancy and energy. The universe is sparking withgenerative power. But how dowe tap into the source—where canwe find anelectric socket forvitality?Dowehave topumpup theenergyonourown tocarry out the day, or can we catch the current of another wellspring beyondourselves?

Supposeforamomentthatvital,expressiveenergyflowseverywhere,thatit is themediumfortheexistenceoflife,andthatanyblocktoparticipatinginthat vitality lies within ourselves. Of course, our consciousness tells us adifferent story. The world comes to us sorted into parts: people are distinctentities,shapeshaveedges,andapplesandorangescannotbecompared.Rarelydo we come upon or experience this integrative energy, and sometimes onlyserendipitously,likeAlicefallingthroughtherabbithole.Thiskindofvibrancymaytakeusbysurprisewhenwefindourselvescommittingtodoingsomethingextraordinaryorwhenwemeeteachotheronamostpersonal,elementallevel.Yet our minds and bodies are perfectly capable of actively surrendering ourboundariesandsuspendinganedgeonceweknowhowandwherethelinesaredrawn.

Thepracticeofthischapter,givingwaytopassion,hastwosteps:

1.Thefirststepistonoticewhereyouareholdingback,andletgo.Releasethose barriers of self that keepyou separate and in control, and let thevitalenergyofpassionsurgethroughyou,connectingyoutoallbeyond.

2.Thesecondstepistoparticipatewholly.Allowyourselftobeachanneltoshapethestreamofpassionintoanewexpressionfortheworld.

Theorderandpredictabilitythatcivilizationstrivesforsupportsustogeton

with the things thatmatter tous, likestartingcompanies,guidingourchildren,studying the stars, or composing symphonies. Yet, because the straight-edgedorganizationofourcitiesandtowns—aswellasmanyaspectsofourdailylives—tends tomirrorourperceptualmaps,urban lifemaymagnify theboundariesthat keepus in a state of separateness.Places in thewilddrawmanyof us toexperienceavitalitygreaterthanourown,butitmaytakeanactofsurrendertoletthegatesgivewaybetweenourselvesandnature.

ALEAP

ROZ:Itwas lateMarch,and the landscapeofnorthernNewEnglandwas inadramaticframeofmind.Skiesandmountainloweredinblackandwhite,whiledark riverwater shoulderedupunder the ice cover.Springwas crackingopenandmakingnobonesaboutit.Iwalkedacrossaswayingsuspensionbridgeoveraformidablesectionofriver,andclimbeddownthebankontheothersidetoafocalpointofactivity.There I faced the sceneofanongoingaccident.Titanictriangles of green ice stood straight in the air, as the raving waters split thefrozensurface,pilingjaggedicesectionsoneuponanother.Theriverroaredlikemad, itswaters roilingbywith incessantenergy.Theabandonwasoutrageous,confrontational.Icouldbarelyhearmyselfthink.

Iwavered. Itwas impossible to be there and resist for long. To preservemyself from this nerve-wracking force, ringing so loudly in my ears, I couldhave turned away and climbed back up to the thoroughfare,where a roadsidedinerwaitedonlyyardsahead. Icouldhave foundacomfortabledistance.Yetstandingstationaryon thebank,utterlystill, I tookanexistential leap.“Let itsforcerunthroughme,”Iallowed,nothavingmovedaninch.“Letitturnallmymolecules in its direction; trust it and surrender.Let it givemewhat it has tooffer.”

Anditdid,andithaseversince;whereverIseeklife’spassion,theriveristherechurningthroughme.Icanhearitsmind-numbingrush,themovementsofbillionsofatoms.Iseehowtheiceleaptoutofitsway,flingingitselfupwardinsea-colorediconstoglory.

Manymonthslater,onadazzlingsummerdayoffNewEngland’scoast,Ioddlyfoundmyselfexclaiming,“Whatisnatureaskingfor?”—notknowinghowtocopewithsomuchbeauty.Ihadsetoffbycanoeintosecludedcovesofdarkgreenwaters,whererootsofspruceclungtothecliffs’edgeswiththeirelbows,grass stems quivered brilliant in the sunshine, and birds darted out over thewater.Myquestion,springingfromanaivepartofme,surprisinglybroughtforthananswer—“Natureisaskingyoutofeelwatery,rockheavy,toreachoutwith

pine branch and leaf. It is calling you to feel the skimming of the water.Participate!” When I began to paint later that day, I found that it was themomentumofnaturethatshoweduponthecanvas;nottheobject, thelinesorthecolor,butdynamicforces,geometricvibrancy,thepassionofcolor.

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translatedthroughyouintoaction,andbecausethereisonlyoneofyouinalloftime,thisexpressionisunique.Andifyoublockit,itwillneverexistthroughanyothermediumanditwillbelost.Theworldwillnothaveit.Itisnotyourbusinesstodeterminehowgooditisnorhowvaluablenorhowitcompareswith other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly anddirectly,tokeepthechannelopen.

—MARTHAGRAHAM,quotedbyAgnesDeMille,Martha:TheLifeandWorkofMarthaGraham

LONGLINES

Like the person who forgets he is related to the waves in the sea or losescontinuitywiththemovementofwindthroughgrass,sodoestheperformerlosehis connection to the long lineof themusicwhenhis attention rests solelyonperfecting individualnotesandharmonies.Like thepersonwho,mindless thatshehasallofnatureinherfingertips,blockstheexpressionofthelifeforce,sodoesthemusicianinterruptthelonglineofpassionwhenshelimitsherfocustotheexpressionofpersonalemotion,localcolor,orharmonicevents.Hernarrowemphasiscanproduceadullandnumbingperformance.

Beethoven’sMoonlight Sonata is an example of a piece whose meaningchangesaltogetherwhenapianistemphasizesthetripletsintherighthandattheexpenseofthelongmelodiclineinthebass,assooftenoccurs.Thetemposlowsdowntomatchtheinterestintheindividualsombernotesintherighthand,andthe character of the piece shifts from the light and forward-looking fantasyBeethovenintended,toaworkrenderedbytraditionasoneofdeepnostalgiaandregret.

Leon Fleischer, the renowned pianist and teacher, has said that playing apieceofmusic isanexercise inantigravity.Themusician’s role is todrawthelistener’sattentionoverthebarlines—whicharebutartificialdivisions,havingno relevance for the flowof themusic—towarda realizationof thepieceasawhole.Inordertomaketheconnectionsbetweenthelargersectionsofapiece,theplayermayfindherselfmovingthetempoatafasterpacethanifshewereputtingherattentiononhighlightingindividualnotesorverticalharmonies.ThisexplainshowitisthatthemetronomemarkingsintheworksofBeethovenandSchumann appear so fast, indeed too fast to many performers and scholars.Thesecomposerswerepassionateaboutlaunchingalongline.

Lifeflowswhenweputourattentiononthelargerpatternsofwhichweareapart, justas themusicsoarswhenaperformerdistinguishes thenoteswhoseimpulsecarriesthemusic’sstructurefromthosethatarepurelydecorative.Lifetakesonshapeandmeaningwhenaperson isable to transcend thebarriersof

personal survival andbecomeaunique conduit for its vital energy.So too thelong line of themusic is revealedwhen the performer connects the structuralnotesfortheear,likeabirdbuoyedonanupdraft.

BEN:Many years ago, when I was at the conservatory in Florence studyingharmony, we were taught to give an identifying rubric to every chord in themusic, so that an analysis looked like the ground plan for an office full ofseparatecubicles.Theteachersneversuggestedthattherewereanyconnectionsbetween one chord and another, so we remained cut off from the harmonicstructureandtheflowofthemusic.Wecouldnevergetanaerialviewofapiece.Whenonerisesaboveaworktoseethelongline,theoverarchingstructure,onecanseeandhearanewmeaning,oftenfarbeyondthemeaningviewedfromtheground.And it isonlywhen theessential shapeof amusicalwork is revealedthatitstruepassioncanbefullyexperienced.

A student in my master class I teach at the Walnut Hill School, apreparatory school for the performing arts where I am the artistic director,capturedthisideabrilliantlyonher“whitesheet.”ShehadlistenedtooneofherfellowstudentsperformthefirstmovementofBach’sSuiteno.2inDMinorforcello,expressively,butwith littlesenseof the intrinsicshapeof thepiece.Theplayingseemedtowanderaimlesslyabout,pausinghere,emphasizingthere,butwithoutaclearnotionoftheunderlyingharmonicmotionandmelodicline.

Afterwehadanalyzedthestructure,direction,andcharacterofthepieceinclass, the cellist playedagainwith a coherenceand simple flow thathadbeenlackinginherfirstperformance.Hereiswhatonelistener,AmandaBurr,wrotespontaneously, in thefewminutesallottedto thewhitesheetsat theendof theclass:

WheneverItakemyglassesoff(usuallytheyfalloff),Ipanic.Foronesplitmoment, the grass becomes green fuzz, the sun, an overflowing cup ofhoney.There’snothinguglyoraggressiveaboutnatureblurred.ButIdon’tknowwhere I am. I can’t recognize friends. At anymoment I could trip.That’s how I feltwithHanui’s playing—beauty glimmered all aroundme,but nothing was defined. I was helpless in a blur of color. Thetransformation Hanui underwent brought clarity, and with it, a moreintricate,truebeauty.ThepristinearchitectureofBachfinallyroseuptoitsachingglory.

ONE-BUTTOCKPLAYING

AyoungpianistwasplayingaChopinpreludeinmymasterclass,andalthoughwehadworkedrightup to theedgeof realizinganoverarchingconceptof thepiece,hisperformanceremainedearthbound.Heunderstooditintellectually,hecould have explained it to someone else, but he was unable to convey theemotionalenergy that is the true languageofmusic.ThenInoticedsomethingthatprovedtobethekey:Hisbodywasfirmlycenteredintheuprightposition.Iblurtedout,“The trouble isyou’rea two-buttockplayer!” Iencouragedhimtoallow his whole body to flow sideways, urging him to catch thewave of themusic with the shape of his own body, and suddenly the music took flight.Several in the audiencegasped, feeling the emotional dart hit home, as a newdistinctionwasborn: theone-buttock player.Thepresident of a corporation inOhio,whowaspresentasawitness,wrotetome:“IwassomovedthatIwenthomeandtransformedmywholecompanyintoaone-buttockcompany.”

Ineverdidfindoutwhathemeantbythat,butIhavemyownideas.Theaccesstopassiongivesmomentumtoeffortstobuildabusinessplan,itgivesareason to setupworking teams, itgivespower to settling individualdemands,anditgivesurgencytocommunicatingacrosssectionsofacompany.MyfantasyisthatthisCEOwentbackandspokesopassionatelyandsosurelytothepeopleinhisorganizationthathestraightawayhitthemark—theplaceofmind,body,andheart.Iimaginethathispeoplesuddenlyrememberedwhytheywerethere,andwhat the companywas founded for.Andwhenever a person gets boggeddownorlosesthetrack,IseethatCEOleaninghisbodytowardhim,eloquentlyportrayingthewholelongsoaringlineoftheirfuturetogether.

I met Jacqueline Du Pre in the 1950s, when I was twenty and she wasfifteen,agawkyEnglishschoolgirlwhoblossomedintothegreatestcellistofhergeneration.We performed the Two Cello Quintet of Schubert together, and Irememberherplayingwaslikeatidalwaveofintensityandpassion.Whenshewassixyearsold,thestorygoes,shewentintoherfirstcompetitionasacellist,andshewasseenrunningdownthecorridorcarryinghercelloaboveherhead,

withahugegrinofexcitementonherface.Acustodian,notingwhathetooktobe relief on the little girl’s face, said, “I see you’ve just had your chance toplay!”AndJackieanswered,excitedly,“No,no,I’mjustaboutto!”

Evenat six, Jackiewasaconduit formusic topour through.Shehad thekindofradicalconfidenceaboutherownhighlypersonalexpressionthatpeopleacquire when they understand that performance is not about getting your acttogether,butaboutopeningup to theenergyof theaudienceandof themusic,andlettingitsinginyouruniquevoice.

BTFI

Astudent fromSpain,amemberofmyWednesdaySonataandLiederclassattheNewEnglandConservatory, askedme to coach him in preparation for anauditionforthepositionofassociateprincipalcellistoftheBarcelonaSymphonyOrchestra. He played his pieces through with elegance and accuracy. It wasplaying of an absolutely professional standard, the kind of performance thatwould, I told him, gain him entry into the ranks of an orchestra. However, itlacked flair and the characteristics of true leadership—not only commandofcolor,intensity,drive,andpassion,buttheenergytotakepeoplebeyondwherethey would normally go.We started work on the pieces—I played the piano,sang,coaxed,andurgedhimonuntilhisratherformalrestraintbrokedown,andhebegan toplay from theheart and throwall his passion and energy into thesoaring passages of the Dvorak Concerto. In the middle of one of his mostimpassionedutterances,Istoppedhimandsaid,“There,that’sit.Ifyouplaythatway, theywon’t be able to resist you.Youwill be a compelling force behindwhicheveryonewillbeinspiredtoplaytheirbest.”Hewipedthesweatfromhisbrowandfromhiscello,andweretiredtothekitchenforaspaghettidinnerandabottleofgoodredwine.Asheleftthehousethatnight,Ishoutedbehindhim,“Remember,Marius,playitthesecondway!”“Iwill!”hecalledback.

Threeweekslaterhetelephoned.“Howdiditgo,Marius?”Iwaseagertoknow.“Oh,”hesaid,“Ididn’tmakeit.”“Whathappened?”Iasked,asIpreparedtoconsolehim.Heansweredmatter-of-factly,“Iplayedthefirstway.”“Nevermind,Marius,”Isaid.“Youwillhaveotherchances.”InmymindI

vowed to work with him further on releasing his enormous capacity forexpression.But it turnedout that hehaddiscoveredhow tobreak through thegateshimself.

“No,no,no,”hesaid.“Youhaven’theardthewholestory.Iwassopeesedoff, I said, ‘Fock it, I’mgoing toMadrid toplay theaudition for theprincipalcellistintheorchestrathere!’—andIwonit,attwicethesalaryoftheotherjob.”

“Whathappened?”Iaskedagain,inamazement.Helaughed.“Iplayedthesecondway!”Fromthenonwehadanothernewdistinctionintheclass,calledBeyondthe

FuckIt,whichfastbecamepartofthefolkloreofallmyclasses,andshowedupinthestudentsasaspiritednessingoingbeyondwherebeforetheymighthavestopped.SeveralmonthsaftermyvisittoaCatholicgirls’schoolinCalifornia,Ireceived a letter from the headmistress, informing me thatBTFI had becometheirunofficialschoolmotto.

DearMr.Zander,

IgotmyAbecause Iamsucha specialandbrightartist.A realartistofhuman life. The most precious treasure of whole my body is the endlesspassionoflife.

ShuFen

WE POSE the question again: “Where is the electric socket for possibility, theaccess to theenergyof transformation?”It’s just thereover thebar line,wherethebird soars.Wecan join it by finding the tempoand leanourbodies to themusic;daretoletgooftheedgesofourselves…participate!

THENINTHPRACTICE

LightingaSpark

BEN:Oneofmymostvividchildhoodmemories isofmyfather,dressed inathree-piecesuit, leavingon theovernight train toGlasgow. Iaskedmymotherhow long he would be gone, and she assured me I would see him the nextevening.“YourfatherhassomethingshewantstodiscusswithagentlemaninGlasgow.TheywillhavebreakfastintheGlasgowRailwayStation,andthenhewilltakethenexttrainbacktoLondon.”

“Isitaspecialfriendofhis?”Iasked,butwastoldthatthegentlemanwasno one I knew, and someone with whom my father had only a briefacquaintance. This puzzledme. I think I was about eight or nine at the time.Later I asked himwhyhe had not used the telephone.Adopting the stance inwhichhegavelifelessons—eyebrowsraised,eyesshining,and,Ibelieve,indexfingerpointing,myfathersaid,“Certainthingsinlifearebetterdoneinperson.”

Thistrainjourneyandmyfather’slessonseemedmysteriousandwonderfultomeasachild,andtookholdinmyimagination.In1981,whenIwasaskedtoleadatouroftheNewEnglandConservatorySymphonyOrchestratotheÉvianFestival on Lake Geneva, I finally found an application for this long-heldmemory.

The organizer of the festival suggested that I try to engage the world’sgreatest cellist, Mstislav Rostropovich, to play the cello concerto that HenriDutilleux had written specifically for him. As Rostropovich and I wereacquaintances, I called his assistant inWashington in October, mentioned thedateinApril,andaskedwhether“Slava”wouldbeavailable.Theassistant,withamarkedlydisdainfulair,said,“AreyoureferringtothiscomingApril?MisterRostropovichisbookedallthewaythrough1984.Thereisnopossiblechancehecouldconsiderthis.”IthenaskedifImightcallSlavadirectly,asIthoughthisdeeploveofthemusicofHenriDutilleuxmightprompthisinterest.Madame’sresponse was no more pleasant than before, but she finally allowed that Mr.RostropovichwouldbeinonWednesdaymorningatten,ifIwishedtotelephonehim.

Inmymind’seyeIsawmyfather,dressed inhis three-piecesuit, leavingforthetrainstation.Wednesdaymorning,early,Iwasattheairport,catchinga

planefromBostontoWashington.Justbeforeteno’clock,IwalkedintoSlava’soffice. His assistant was quite taken aback and visibly irritated, but sheannouncedmypresenceandshowedmeintotheroomwhereSlavaworked.ThemaestrorememberedhavinggivenmeacellolessonaspartofamasterclassatOxford,manyyearsbefore,andgreetedmewithhistraditionalenvelopinghug.We settled on the sofa, and began to talk about his beloved friend, the geniuscomposerHenriDutilleux.

Slava became completely animated, his face shining, as he described thenatureofDutilleux’sgeniusandhisuniquevoiceinmodernmusic.Suddenlyheasked me when the performance was to take place. I gave him the date. Helookedinhisdiaryandsaid,“Icandoit,ifit’sallrighttohavejustonerehearsalintheafternoonbeforetheconcert,thoughIwillhavetoleaveimmediatelyaftertheconcerttomakearehearsalthefollowingmorninginGeneva.”Thiswasbynomeans a rational or practical decision for Slava; it came from his passion.Anditinvolvedahugeriskforevenaveryfinestudentorchestratoperformanunfamiliar,wildlydifficultconcertoafterjustonerehearsalwiththesoloist.Butat least each of us had an accomplice in our folly. I left nomore than twentyminutesafterIhadarrived,murmuring,“He’lldoit”totheappalledassistant.

TheplanethatcarriedmehomefromWashingtonatnoonthatdaywasthesameoneIhadtakenthere,withthesamecrewinattendance.Recognizingme,aflightattendantasked,“Didn’tyoujustarriveherewithusontheeighto’clock?”AndIhadthepleasureofrepeatingmyfather’swords:“Certainthingsinlifearebetter done in person.” Because I was so excited that Slava had agreed toperformwithus, I told the flightattendant thewholestory.And,knowing thatSlava was the beloved and famous conductor of the National SymphonyOrchestraofWashington,thestewardannouncedovertheloudspeakerthatIhadcomedowntothenation’scapitalforanhourtoenticeRostropovichtoplaywithourNewEnglandConservatoryorchestraandRostropovichhadagreed.

THEPRACTICE

Enrollmentisthepracticeofthischapter.Enrollingisnotaboutforcing,cajoling,tricking,bargaining,pressuring,orguilt-trippingsomeoneintodoingsomethingyourway.Enrollmentistheartandpracticeofgeneratingasparkofpossibilityforotherstoshare.

In the Middle Ages, when lighting a fire from scratch was an arduousprocess,peopleoftencarriedaboutametalboxcontainingasmolderingcinder,keptalightthroughoutthedaywithlittlebitsofkindling.Thismeantthatamancould light a fire with ease wherever he went, because he always carried thespark.

Butouruniverseisalivewithsparks.Wehaveatourfingertipsaninfinitecapacity to lighta sparkofpossibility.Passion, rather than fear, is the ignitingforce.Abundance,ratherthanscarcity,isthecontext.JustasWalterZanderlitasmallfireinhisyoungson,sodidBenawakenRostropovichtoapossibility.ThemaestrocarrieditfurtherandenrolledBeninahigh-riskventure,which,bytheway,turnedoutmagnificently,withDutilleux,thecomposerhimself,joiningthefestivalinÉvian.

So, the practice of enrollment is about giving yourself as a possibility toothersandbeingready,inturn,tocatchtheirspark.Itisaboutplayingtogetheraspartnersinafieldoflight.Andthestepstothepracticeare:

1.Imaginethatpeopleareaninvitationforenrollment.

2.Standreadytoparticipate,willingtobemovedandinspired.

3.Offerthatwhichlightsyouup.

4.Havenodoubtthatothersareeagertocatchthespark.

A“no”cansooftendampenourfireintheworldofthedownwardspiral.It

can seem like a permanent, implacable barrier that presents us with limitedchoices:toattack,tomanipulateourwayaroundit,ortobowtoitindefeat.Inotherwords,a“no”canseemlikeadoorslamminginsteadofmerelyaninstanceofthewaythingsare.Yet,werewetotakea“no”lesspersonally,andourselveslessseriously,wemighthearsomethingelse.Wemighthearsomeonesaying,“Idon’t see any newpossibility here, so I think I’ll stickwithmy usualway ofdoingthings.”Wemighthearwithintheword“no”aninvitationforenrollment.

THE ALLEGORY OF THE SERVICESTATION

ROZ:OnanAprilmorningIdustedoffmybicyclefromitswinterhibernationandpedaledtowardtheMuseumofFineArts,aroutethatwouldtakemeacrosstheCharlesRiverandalongthefloweringpathsoftheFenway.Findingithardgoingover theBostonUniversityBridge, I stopped tocheckmy tiresandsawthatthefrontonewasnearlyflat.YetIwasinluck,forjustahead,atthefootofthebridge,wasa service stationwhoseairpumpshone invitingly fromacrosstheroad.Butnotupclose: it tookacoupleofquarters toput it intooperation,andI,travelinglightly,hadonlyafoldedten-dollarbillinmyshirtpocket.

Twobigmenwereinattendance,oneatthepumpsandonestandingidle.Iapproachedthem,myten-dollarbilloutstretched.“Doyouhavechangefortheairpump?”Iasked.Theyshooktheirheads.No.ItwasSunday,andthetillwasempty,theyexplained.Ishowedthemthatmytirewasflatandthattheairpumpwouldn’tworkwithouttwoquarters.Againtheyshooktheirheads,lookingawayanddown,theirhandsintheirpockets,shufflingtheirfeetliketwoslowbears.

Three unhappy people, a worthless ten-dollar bill, an air pump standingidle,abicycleonecouldnotride,andgreatartoutofreach.“Howunnecessary!”I thought. “How irritating,howpetty,” I arguedas Iwentdown indefeat.Butnothingchanged—therewastheidleairpump,theairlesstire,theten-dollarbillthatwasn’tworth the paper itwas printed on, and therewewere,we haplessthree….With that last thought my perspective lightened, and I felt a shift. Iglimpsed,foraninstant,thattheverypeopleIperceivedtobeblockingme,theirelusive change jingling in their pockets, shared my distress. We were threeunhappypeople.

Thenamolecularchange,abrighteningoftheday.“Willyougivemetwoquarters?”Iasked,cheerfully,intimately,mywhole

selfonthewing.Themanbeforemelookedupslowlyasthoughconfrontedwithanancient

riddle.Theonlookersprungtolife.“Yes!”hesaid,reachingintohispockets,“I

cangiveyou thequarters,”andhestretchedouthishand.And then, suddenly,miraculously,itallworked:thecoins,theairpump,thebicycle,ourpartnership.Yet the other gentleman still stood in some confusion. “Doyouknowa back-roads route to theMuseumofFineArts?” Iasked.Hebeamed.Thedirectionsspilledforthasfromahornofplenty.

Like a tap to a kaleidoscope that shifts identical pieces of glass intodifferent patterns, the scene changed before our eyes from bankruptcy toabundancewithjusttheslightestnudgetotheframe.Initiallywewererelatingtoeachotherintheassumptionthatmoneyisscarce,exchangesmustbefair,andthatpropertyboundarieswereimpenetrable.Thisperspectivehaduslockedintoaconditionofbreakdown.FromthereImighthavecajoledandpersuadedthemtogivemethequarters:“Look,lendmetwoquartersforgoodnesssake,andI’llreturn themoneyon thewayback fromthemuseum,”and Imighthavegottenmydrearyway.Butitwouldhardlyhavebrightenedanyone’smorning.

Not even mine. Persuasion is typically used to get the thing you want,whetherornotitisatsomeoneelse’sexpense.Persuasionworksfinewhentheotherperson’sagendamatchesyoursorwhenthetransactionsomehowbenefitsthemaswell.Wecallthat“aligninginterests.”Butinthiscasetherewasnothinginitforthetwomen,atleastfromtheworldofmeasurement,excepttoseemeonmyway.

The practice of enrollment, on the other hand, is about generatingpossibility and lighting its spark in others. It is not about the quarters. Thesudden realization thatwewere all trapped in a box of scarcity, unable to acteffectivelyoveramatter thatcostnomore than fiftycentsenabledme to stepintoauniverseofpossibility—theonlyplace fromwhichyoucanenrollotherpeople. Thismay seem like an easy leap, but how oftenwhenwe are caughtbehindadriverwhohasveeredintotheexact-changelanebymistakedowesittherehonkingandfuming?Whynotjumpoutofourcarandtosstwoquartersinthebin?

Theplainrequest“Willyougivemetwoquarters?”conveyedavibrantnewworld,oneinwhichasking,giving,andreceivingwerealleasy,generousacts.Possibilityhasitsownmusic,itsowngestures,itsownkindofradiance,andtheattendant caught the spark.Howcouldwehelpbut be joyous thatwehad themeansamongustomakeeverythingwork?

EASTLEA:A“FAILING”SCHOOL

BEN: I was helping the Philharmonia Orchestra of London land a corporatesponsorforoneofourconcerts,andIapproachedArthurAndersen.Theyturnedus down, citing toomany other commitments and not enough staff to handlesuchanevent. Imadeaquick translation inmymindandconcluded that theyhadnotseenastrongpossibilityintheventure.Theywerenotenrolled.

So,whenonasubsequentvisitIarrivedinLondonandfoundaninvitationto a formal dinner for that very evening from the man who had been in thepositionofgrantingorrefusingmyrequest,Isawitasanopportunity.However,my suitcase was stranded in Holland, and since I was dressed in jeans andsneakers,IwentstraightouttoSelfridgestobuyacompleteeveningwardrobe.

The dinner conversation turned to the company’s involvement in agovernment-run program to improve a group of schools designated by theMinistry of Education as “failing.” As an educator, I am acutely aware thatpoverty,neglect,anddecadesofresignationonthepartofteachers,families,andadministrators can have a devastating effect on children’s development. TheNewham Project, alias Education Action Zone, was to be launched with thepersonalinvolvementoftheprimeministerthefollowingSeptember.Bytheendof our dinner, I,who had come to see if Imight obtain a sponsorship formyproject,foundmyselffullyenrolledintheirs.Thedimshapeofacollectiveplanbegantoemerge.

Itwassuggested that Igo tooneof the“failing”schools to introduce thestudentstoclassicalmusicwiththeideathatchildrenandteachersalikewouldcome tobelieve in theirowncreativity through themetaphorofmusic.ArthurAndersen would take on the expense of bringing the entire PhilharmoniaOrchestra to the school for a subsequent session. In addition, they agreed tosponsortwohundredofthestudentswhomightchoosetoattendourconcertattheRoyalFestivalHall.And,ohyes, inrecognitionofmyparticipationin thiseducationalinitiative,ArthurAndersenofferedtofullysponsorthePhilharmoniaconcert.

TheEastleaSchoolislocatedinthetoughest,bleakestsectionofLondon’sDocklandsdistrict,wherethepupilpopulationislargelyminority.Inmyinitialvisittotheschooltomeetwiththeadministrators,Iwassurprisedtoseethatallthechildrenwereundersixteen.WhenIaskedwhythiswasso,itwasexplainedtomethatsixteenistheageatwhichtheyarelegallyabletoleaveschool.Thirtyof the childrenwere in wheelchairs with illnesses or congenital conditions asserious as cerebral palsy and spinabifida.Presidingover thewhole institutionwas the irrepressible and indefatigable Maggie Montgomery, headmistressextraordinaire, who enthusiastically welcomed the prospect of the visit of aconductorofsomeinternationalrenowntoherschool.

We decided on the gym as the only possible location for the firstpresentation. Maggie admitted that she had never before dared to hold a fullschool assembly since itwould takenearly anhour to seat all elevenhundredstudents, and their rowdinesswas likely to be uncontrollable. She greetedmydescriptionofasession twohours longwithbemuseddisbelief,predicting thather teachers would say that fifteen minutes of classical music would bestretching the limit. However, she gave me carte blanche: “Do whatever youthinkyoucando!”

When the day came formy visit, in addition to the kids and teachers, ahundred or so executives and clients from Arthur Andersen swelled theassembled company to over twelve hundred. Television cameras and a crewfrom the BBC arrived to film the event. This was to be the launching of theEducationActionZoneprogramnationwide.

TheGuardian newspaper carried an article that very morning with theblazingheadline“EducationActionZoneMayFail.”Andthatheadlineseemedalltooprescientatmorethanafewmomentsduringthetwo-hourpresentation.The teachersweredoing their best tokeeporder, but as I lookedoutover thewholescene,itseemedasthoughtheireffortsatdisciplinewereonlyincreasingthe tension and noise level. By the end I remember feeling exhausted andthinkingtheventurereallymightbehopeless.“Ican’tsubjectthePhilharmoniaOrchestra to this,” I thought. The BBC producer sawmy spirits flagging andcalledout,“Ben,you’vejustconductedelevenhundredkidssingingBeethoven’s“OdetoJoy”inGerman!Thisisasuccess!”

WhateverdoubtsIhadweresweptawaywhenMaggiesentmeasheafofpoemsthestudentshadwrittenfortheirEnglishclassaftermyvisit.WeprintedoneoftheminthePhilharmoniaprogrambook:

BenzInfluence

Hecame.Welaughed,heplayed.Welistened.HECONQUERED!Vibrant,animatedandcheerful,ashesweptthroughLiftingtheschoolsatmosphereandConfidence.ExcitementRushingthroughthewholeschool(yearseventoeleven)FromMozarttoBeethoven.PeoplewouldthinkthatEastenderslikeuswouldn’thavelikedit,butashePlayedonhisblackpianothewholeschoolwasLifted.Hespokeofallthegoodwecouldachieve.

Evenasanunderachievingschool.HemademerealizethatEducationwassoimportanttoeveryone,notjusttheIntelligent,it’sassimpleasthat!Hisinfluenceonourschoolwasphenomanal.[sic]ThanksBenforhelpingmeandallofEastleaCommunitySchool.

KarlKripps,age14

Ialsowrotealettertothechildren,acopyofwhichMaggiegavetoeachchildintheschool:

September21,1998

DearEastleastudents,

Ienjoyedourtimetogetherandamlookingforwardtocomingbackinlessthanamonth.

DoyourememberItoldyouabouttheheadlineinthenewspaperonthevery first day of the Newham Project, which said in huge letters:EDUCATIONACTIONZONEMAYFAIL?Ipointedthatoutasanexampleof“downwardspiral”thinking.And,sureenough,thedayafteroursessionthe newspaper carried an article by awomanwho had been present andwrote that she thought it was a pretty hopeless situation; that Arthur

Andersen was wasting its money trying to help schools. “Downwardspiraling”iseverywhereaboutusanditissoeasytofallintothehabitofthinkingthatway.

Iconfess that I toohadmydoubts,butmyassessmentof the situationwasquitedifferent:itwasthefirsttimethewholeschoolhadbeentogetherintheSportsHall.Gettingyouallinwasamiracleoforganizationonthepart of your teachers,with your owngood-humored cooperation. You satquietlyforalongtimebeforeitbeganandthensang,laughed,andlistenedwhileawildmanroamedaroundona stage fornearly twohours.At theend, after you had roared a lusty “Happy Birthday” to Jermain, sungBeethoven’s Ninth in German, and followed an analysis of a Chopinprelude,yougaveyourtotalattentiontoapieceofmusicbyMozartplayedonthepiano.WOW!Notbad!Isay.

Wasitperfect?No!Wasitasquietasitcouldhavebeen?No!DidIkeepeveryone’sattentionallthetime?No!HOWFASCINATING!Itwasagreatstart!

Nowwewillsoonhaveachancetobetogetheragain.Thistimewithafull-sizesymphonyorchestra! Iamreallyexcited thatyouwillget toheartheirsound,andseewhathappenswhenIconductthem.Iknowyouwillbetouchedanddelightedandamazed!

Will yougive some thought tohow itwill bepossible to keep thehallreallyquietwhile theorchestra isplaying, so thateverybodycanenjoy itand the musicians can play their best? I hope that your truly amazingteacherswon’tfeelthattheyhavetoworksohardgoingupanddowntheaisleskeepingdiscipline.Theylovemusicandwanttobeabletolistentoo.Doyouthinkitwouldworktohavethemsittingdown,justlistening,likeallofyou?

Anyway, I am looking forward so much to being together again toexplorethemusicandhaveyoufindoutmoreabouthowitallworks.AndIthinkthepeopleatArthurAndersenaresupertomakeitallpossible.Don’tyou?

Seeyouonthe22ndofOctober.Andmeanwhile,seewhathappenswhenyougivethepeoplearoundyouanA,notasajudgement,butlikeagift.

Warmestlovefromyourfriend,

BenjaminZander

THE PHILHARMONIA ADDS ITSVOICE

AstheeventinvolvingthePhilharmoniaOrchestraapproached,severalpeopleatArthur Andersen worked intensively and enthusiastically on all thearrangements,whileIremainedinBoston.Anewvenuewasneededtoholdtheaudienceofmorethantwelvehundred,plusaneighty-piecesymphonyorchestra.Eventually a huge warehouse was located, and forty buses were hired totransport the children.Chairs had to bebrought in, a stage and a platform fortelevisioncamerasbuilt,andlightingandasoundsysteminstalled.ThecompanybalkedwhenIrequestedthatatwenty-five-footmoviescreenbeerectedbehindthestagesothatthechildrencouldseetheinteractionbetweentheconductorandtheorchestra.The£2,000pricetagwassimplytoosteepontopofalltheothercosts, which had now escalated beyond anything they had planned for. But Iknewthatwithoutthatview,halfthemeaningandinterestoftheeventwouldbelost. I paid for it myself, and raised £10,000 from the Natwest Bank for thefilming.

Theyoungstersgreetedmy returnwithwildenthusiasm,assuringme thatthefirstoccasionhadnotbeensuchafailureafterall.Severalmembersof thePhilharmonia, who had assumed that the children would be inattentive andrestless,lookedquiteperplexedandbecamegenuinelyinterestedinwhatIcouldpossiblyhavedone the last timetocause this tumultuousreception.Thesecretwas,Ibelieve,thatIgenuinelywantedtosharethemusicwiththechildren,andItrusted their ability to respond to it and to be partners withme in our wholeundertaking. During the two-hour demonstration, the orchestra, our youngguests,andIdelvedintothehighdramaofBeethoven’sCoriolanOverture,thetender pathos and tragedy of Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet, and Mozart’ssparklingDivertimento inD,which hewrote at the age of the oldest childrenpresent.

SEVENVOICESAREHEARD

ButthetourdeforcewastheslowmovementofBeethoven’sFifthSymphony.IbeganbyhavingthePhilharmonia’scellosplayeightbarsofagentlyundulatingaccompanyingfigure.Turningaroundtotheyoungpeople,Iasked,“Howmanyofyouheardthecellos?”Naturally,everybodyraisedhishand.Then,repeatingthe same eight-bar passage, I asked the violas to add their voice, identical inrhythm, just twonotes, a “third,” above.Again a showof hands revealed thateverybody could hear the sound of two voices together. Now I asked theaudiencetolistentothecellosandviolasplayingthesameeightbars,withtheadded sound of a bassoon and a clarinet playing intermittent short leaps, oneoctave apart. Raised hands indicated that hearing four separate voicessimultaneouslyheldnodifficultyfortheEastleastudents.

Returningtothebeginningofthepassageoncemore,weaddedthesoulful,sombersongofthedoublebasses,easytodetectinthedarklowerregister.Allthat remained to addwere twovoices, the secondviolins and the first violins.Whenthesecondviolinsenteredtoplaytheirpart,Iaskedtheeagerlistenersfortheir remarks. “They are too loud,” shouted back a confident youngster.MembersofthePhilharmoniasmiledat thecoachingtheywerereceivingfromthisten-year-oldfromLondon’sDocklands.

Once these sixvoiceswere revealed inperfectbalance, Ipredicted to thechildrenthatthefirstviolinswouldplaytooloud,because“theythinkthey’resoimportant!” Sure enough, despite the warning, their entrance blurred thecarefullybuiltclarityoftheothersixvoices.Theyoungstersletthemknowthatallwasnotwell.Goadedby thischallenge, thePhilharmoniafirstsadded theirrunning figuration to the texture at an exquisitely delicate dynamic level, andmiraculously,allsevenvoicesemergedinclearrelief,eachoneheldineffectivebalancewiththeothersix.Thesilenceinthathugewarehousewasprofound,aseachchildstrainedtoheareverythingBeethovenhadtosay.

Thefinalquestion:“Howmanyofyoucouldhearsevenvoices?”Atleastnine hundredhandswavedhigh in the air. “Nowwait aminute,” I thought to

myself,asIlookedoutovertheseaofhands,“whowouldhavepredictedthis?”Butthen,whocouldhavepredictedanyofthis—thesponsors,teachers,children,politicians, film crews, musicians—all gathered together to celebrate theindomitabilityof thehumanspirit,allhighlyfocused,engaged,andenrolledinthepossibilityofpeoplesucceedingtogether.

ANTHONY

AswearrivedatthelastmovementoftheFifthSymphony,Iofferedmybatontoa few of the children to try their hand at conducting. The four-square, simplegrandeuroftheFifth’striumphantopeninginCmajorcaneasilybeperformedwithoutaconductor;sothePhilharmonia,Iknew,wouldnotbepulledofftrackbytheinexperiencedflailingofachild.Isoonnoticedahyperactiveten-year-oldin the eleventh row,moving hiswhole bodywith the powerful rhythm of themusic,andIbroughthimonstage.Theunselfconsciousreactiontothemusicheexhibited in his seat did not prepare me for the highly energetic, utterlyconvincing conducting he displayed on the podium. Astonished looks on thefacesoftheorchestraplayersmadeitevidentthattheywerebeingled,inspired,and energized by this ten-year-old who had never before seen a symphonyorchestra.

For aminute and a half on the podium, this youngmanwas a dynamicartistic force with powerful gestures and an ecstatic countenance. A fewmomentslater,hewasasmallchildagain,coveringhisfaceinembarrassmentashisschoolmatesroaredandstampedtheirexcitedresponse.Happily,atelevisioncamerafroma localTVstation, trainedon thescreenbehind thestage,caughthis image in their lens.And thatnight,on the teno’clocknews, allofBritainsawAnthonyconductingthePhilharmoniainthefinaleofBeethoven’sFifth.

ATTHEROYALFESTIVALHALL

ThefollowingWednesday, twohundredEastleastudents,scrubbedanddressedin their finest,arrivedearlyat theFestivalHall for thepreconcert talkand theconcert itself. Michael Rawlings, president of Pizza Hut in America, whosemanagersIwas toaddress thefollowingmonth,hadeightypizzasdelivered totheHall.Weallsawashortfilmofthepreviousweek’sperformance.Anthony,who had brought his twelve-year-old uncle to the event, watched himselfconductingontheTVscreenwithaweanddisbelief.

Now youngsters fromEastleamoved into the hall to hear the preconcerttalk. I then spoke for a full fiftyminutes, explaining our unusual approach toBeethoven’s Fifth Symphony and comparing it with performance traditions.Refreshingtheaudience’smemoryofthestory,IplayedpartsofStrauss’sDonQuixote on the piano to show how skillfully the composer had turned thecomplex andmoving tale intomusic. “Was that the concert,Miss?”Anthonyasked his teacher after my presentation, reminding us how unfamiliar to himwereallaspectsofthisventure.

Fortheconcertitself,thetwohundredEastleastudentswereplacedbehindthestageintheprominentseatsusuallyoccupiedbythechorus,sotheywouldbe close to the action. I cannot deny that I had beenworried that theymightfidgetanddistracttheaudience,especiallysincebythetimetheconcertstartedtheyhadalreadybeeninthehallforovertwohours.Buttheysatmotionlessandapparently riveted throughoutBeethoven’sFifthSymphony,aswellas throughthelongandquitetaxingtonepoemofStrauss.Couldwereallyknowwhatwasgoingoninthemindsofthosechildren?Wasfearofpunishmentthetruesourceoftheirangelicbehavior?Weretheyreallylisteningtothemusic,orweretheybeing merely dutiful? I stole a glance at Anthony, sitting high on the risersbehind the brass section, at the verymoment that the shattering burst of lightemergesoutof thedarkness into theglorioussunlightof the lastmovementoftheFifth.Hismoment.Wouldhe recognize it?Hegaveme a big smile and athumbs-up.

To think thatallof thisoccurredafterArthurAndersen initially turnedusdowninourrequestforthesponsorshipofasinglePhilharmoniaconcert!

In the end, Arthur Andersen’s willingness to be fully enrolled in thetransformative power of music served to carry the spark to thousands more,including children whose lives might be profoundly influenced by the event.Here isanote I received justbefore the finalconcert, fromGrahamWalker, aseniorpartneratArthurAndersen.

DearBen,

Iknowthereistheall-importantlastphaseofourtrilogytocomplete,butIwantedtoputsomethingdowninwritingnow.Thelastphasewilltakeyouback toyourhome territory—theconcerthall—soweknow thatwillbeamagnificentfinale.

Thefirsttwophaseswereonmoreunfamiliarground!Iwascrazytoaskyou to participate. You were even crazier to agree. And your infectiousenthusiasmimmediatelycaused70othergrown-upmusicianstojoinusinthe crazy zone. Fortunatelywe found a local authority and head teacherwhowerecrazyenoughtoplayball.Thestagewasset,thediewascastandyesterday we all shared the full force of your inspiration, creativity andsensitivity—backedupbytheunremittingpowerofthePhilharmonia.

Thankyouenormously,Ben.Likeyou,Ihopethattheseeventshavesetinmotionenoughradiatingpossibilitytoovercometheeddiesofgloomthatsometimeswasharound the livesofour friends inEastlea.UntilTuesday,andwithallourbestwishesforyourrehearsals—

Graham

THE LIFE FORCE for humankind is, perhaps, nothing more or less than thepassionateenergytoconnect,express,andcommunicate.Enrollmentisthatlifeforce at work, lighting sparks from person to person, scattering light in alldirections. Sometimes the sparks ignite a blaze; sometimes they pass quietly,magically,almostimperceptibly,fromonetoanothertoanother.

THETENTHPRACTICE

BeingtheBoard

“That’sright,Five,alwaysputtheblameonothers.”—LEWISCARROLL,AliceinWonderland

WHEN theway thingsare seems tooffernopossibility;whenyouare angryand blocked, and, for all your efforts, others refuse to move or cooperate, tocompromise,oreventobehalfwaydecent;whenevenenrollmentdoesnotworkandyouareatyourwit’send—youcantakeoutthisnextpractice:ourgraduatecourseinpossibility.Inthisone,yourenameyourselfastheboardonwhichthewhole game is being played. You move the problematic aspect of anycircumstancefromtheoutsideworldinsidetheboundariesofyourself.Withthisactyoucantransformtheworld.

Imaginethisscenario:acarwaitspeacefullyataredlight;anotherbarrelsupbehindandsmashesintoitsrear.Thedriverofthesecondcar,itturnsout,isintoxicated and unlicensed.Who is at fault?According to the law, there is nodoubt:thedrunkendriveris100percentatfault.However,inthischapter,weareintroducingthenotionofresponsibilityofadifferentkind.

Thisnewkindofresponsibilityisyoursforthetaking.Youcannotassignittosomeoneelse.Itispurelyaninvention,andyetitstrengthensyouatnoone’sexpense.

Ordinarily we equate accountability with blame and blamelessness,conceptsfromtheworldofmeasurement.WhenIblameyouforsomethingthatgoes wrong, I seek to establish that I am in the right—and we all know thedeliciousfeelingofsatisfactionthere.However, inasmuchasIblameyouforamiserable vacation or a wall of silence—to that degree, in exactly thatproportion, I losemypower. I losemyability to steer the situation in anotherdirection, to learn from it, or to put us in good relationship with each other.Indeed, I lose any leverage Imayhavehad,because there isnothing I candoaboutyourmistakes—onlyaboutmine.

Let’sgetbacktothepeaceful,law-abidingdriver.Toapplythepracticeof

being the board, that driver, even from her hospital bed, will cast a widerframework around events than one ordinarily does in the world of fault andblame. She might begin with the thought, “Driving is a hazardous business:Every time I step into a car I am at risk.While usually I can count on otherdrivers to be awake, aware, and law-abiding, there is always the chance, thechance,thatoneofthemmayfallasleep,drinktoomuchalcohol,haveasuddenseizure,orsimplybeyoung,angry,andfeelingreckless.WhenIdrive,Itakethatstatistical risk; I own thatwhat happens on the road happens inmy sphere ofconsciousnessandchoice.”

THEPRACTICE:PARTONE

Sothefirstpartofthepracticeistodeclare:“Iamtheframeworkforeverythingthathappensinmylife.”

Thisisperhapsthemostradicalandelusiveofallthepracticesinthisbook,anditisalsooneofthemostpowerful.Hereisanotherwayofsayingit:

“If I cannot be present without resistance to the way things are and acteffectively,ifIfeelmyselftobewronged,aloser,oravictim,IwilltellmyselfthatsomeassumptionIhavemadeisthesourceofmydifficulty.”

Itisnotthatthispracticeofferstherightchoiceortheonlychoice.Wemaywanttomakesuretheintoxicateddrivergetshisdue.Wemaywantsympathy,andwemaywantrevenge.Beingderailedfromourlargerpurpose,foralengthof time,maybe an acceptable option.However, choosing thebeing theboardapproachopensthepossibilityofagracefuljourney,onethatquicklyreinstatesuson thepathwechosebefore the fatefulcollision intervened. Itallowsus tokeepontrack.

Grace comes from owning the risks we take in a world by and largeimmune to our control. If you build your house on a flood-plain of theMississippiRiver, youmay be devastatedwhen thewaters overflow, and youmayrailattheriver.However,whenyoudeclareyourselfanunwillingvictimofaknownrisk,youhaveposturedyourselfasapoorloserinagameyouchosetoplay.Outofasenseofself-righteousness,youwillhavegivenawayyourchancetobe effective.Perhaps togainotherpeople’s sympathy,youwill have tradedyourownpeaceofmind.

Inthelegalsphere,faultandblameplayanimportantrole.Thelaw-abidingdriver is entitled to sue the perpetrator to cover his losses, however they beconstrued. But we are talking about access to possibility, not to victory orremuneration.Gracingyourselfwith responsibility for everything thathappensinyourlifeleavesyourspiritwhole,andleavesyoufreetochooseagain.

AHIGHWIREACT

BEN:Mendelssohn’sItalianSymphonystartsoffasthoughthemusicismakingajoyfulsprint towardadoublehandspringthatcatapults it to thehightrapeze.Mendelssohngives thewinds elevenquick stepsbefore theviolinsmake theirfirstenergeticsomersault,butinoneconcert,whileIwaspointingtothewinds,asingleviolinistcameinwithexuberanceandgustoafterjustfivesteps!Itwasthekindof confidentviolinplayingyoucan’thelp admiring,but it left usoutthereinspace,notrapezewithinourgrasp.Forthefirsttimeinmyconductingcareer, I stopped a performance—in front of more than a thousand people. Ismiledtotheorchestra,saidtomyself,“Howfascinating!”andbeganthepieceagain.Thistime,ofcourse,therewasnomishap.

Afterward, someone associated with the orchestra asked me in a hushedvoice, “Would you like to know who came in early in the Mendelssohn?”Whetheritwastheslightlyconspiratorialnatureofthequestionthatputmeoff,or whether it was that such a question was in disturbing contrast with thespiritedness of the music that we had just performed, I found myself saying,“No”abruptly,andthenadding,“Ididit.”

Notliterally,ofcourse.Ididn’tactuallyplaytheviolin.Butinthatmoment,in thecontextof thegreatmusicwehad justmade, it seemedabsurd tome toconsiderhandingoutblame.Itcouldonlydivideus,andforwhat?Certainlythatplayerwouldneveragaincomeinearly in theItalianSymphony,nor,perhaps,fromthistimeon,makethemistakeofaprematureentranceinanyperformance.And I myself would know to be especially careful in guiding the orchestrathroughthoseelevenstepswheneverIconductedthatpassageagain.Therewasabsolutelynogaintoblaminganyone,andarealcostintermsoftheblowtoourintegrity as a group. Besides, I know full well that every time I step onto apodium,Itakeariskthatthingswon’tturnoutexactlyasIanticipatetheminmyear—butthen,thereisnogreatmusic-makingwithoutsuchrisktaking.

Ithink,inretrospect,thatmy“Ididit”responserepresentedevenmorethanthat—I was saying that I was willing to be responsible for everything that

happenedinmyorchestra.Infact,Ifeltenormouslyempoweredandliberatedbydoingso.

THETYPEOFresponsibilitywearemostfamiliarwithisthesortthatweapportionto ourselves and others.Dividing obligations helps us keep life organized andmanageable,asforexample,“I’llberesponsibleformakingthekids’lunches,ifyoufeedthembreakfast,”or,“Itwasn’tallmyfaultthatourcheckbounced;youforgottoenterotherchecksintheledger.”Weoftenuserewardandpunishmentto regulate accountability—the carrot and stick, the bonus at the end of thesuccessful year, the threat of being fired. Approval and disapproval are alsostrongmotivating factors,which rely for theireffectivenesson the individual’sdesiretobeincludedandtodowellwithinthecommunity.Becausethemodelisbasedontheassumptionthatlifewillbeundercontrolifeveryoneplayshispart,whenthingsdobreakdown,someoneorsomethingnaturallygetsblamed.

Apportioning blame works well enough to keep order in a relativelyhomogeneous community that boasts commonly accepted values and whereeveryone is enrolled in playing his part. It appeals to our instinctive sense offairness.However,itseffectivenessislikelytobecircumscribedincommunitiesof divergent cultures and widely varied resources. It is at this point, wheneverything else has failed, that you might find it useful to pull out this newgame,thegameofbeingtheboard.

AGAMEOFCHESS

We might use the metaphor of a game like chess to describe the differencebetweentheusualmeasuredapproachtoresponsibilityandtheperspectiveofthenewpractice.Normallyifyouwereaskedtoidentifyyourselfwithanaspectofthegame,youmightpointtooneofthepiecesontheboard:youmightchoosetoseeyourselfastheimportantking,thewilyknight,orthehumblepawn.Asanyone of the pieces, you would understand that your job is to achieve yourobjective,dowellbyyourteam,andhelpconquertheenemy.Or,youmightseeyourself as the mastermind, the strategist controlling the movements of yourforcesinthefield.

In our practice, however, you define yourself not as a piece, nor as thestrategist,butastheboarditself,theframeworkforthegameoflifearoundyou.Noticewesaidthatyoudefineyourselfthatway,notthatyouarethat.Ifyouhadthe illusion that you really were the cause of the sun rising or of all humansuffering,yourfriendswouldsoonhaveyoucartedoffinawhitevanoratleastprescribedalargedoseofRuleNumber6asaninterimmeasure.Thepurposeofnamingyourselfastheboard,orasthecontextinwhichlifeoccurstoyou,istogiveyourselfthepowertotransformyourexperienceofanyunwantedconditionintoonewithwhichyoucaretolive.Wesaidyourexperience,nottheconditionitself. But of course once you do transform your experience and see thingsdifferently,otherchangesoccur.

Whenyouidentifyyourselfasasinglechesspiece—andbyanalogy,asanindividualinaparticularrole—youcanonlyreact to,complainabout,orresistthemoves that interrupted your plans. But if you name yourself as the boarditselfyoucanturnallyourattentiontowhatyouwanttoseehappen,withnonepaidtowhatyouneedtowinorfightorfix.

The action in thisgraceful game isongoing integration.Onebyone, youbringeverythingyouhavebeenresistingintothefold.You,astheboard,makeroomforall themoves, for thecaptureof theknightand the sacrificeofyourbishop,foryourgooddrivingandtheaccident,foryourmiserablechildhoodand

the circumstances of your parents’ lives, for your need and another’s refusal.Why?Becausethatiswhatisthere.Itisthewaythingsare.

THEPRACTICE:PARTTWO

Then,inthisgame,youtakeyourpracticeonestepfurther:Youaskyourself,inregardtotheunwantedcircumstances,“Well,howdidthisgetontheboardthatIam?”or,“Now,howisitthatIhavebecomeacontextforthattooccur?”Youwillbegintoseetheobviousandthenthenot-so-obviouscontributionsofyourcalculatingself,orofyourhistory,orofearlierdecisionsthatlandedyouwhereyou are, feeling like a victim. This reflection may bring forth from you anapology that will knit back together the strands of raveled relationships. Andthen you will be standing freely and powerfully once again in a universe ofpossibility.

So, if youarewaitingpeacefully at a traffic light andget smashed in therearbyadrunkendriver,youmayask,afteryourimmediatemedicalneedsareministeredtoandtheshockandfurydiedown—“Howdidthateventgetontheboard that Iam?”Ifyouareplaying thisgameofbeing theboard,youdonotsay,“Whyme?”or“Thebastard!”or“Thishasdestroyedmysummer!”or“I’mneverdriving inBostonagain!” Instead,youmight lookaround,and say, “It’snot personal that my car was totaled. It’s a certain statistical probability thatsomeonewouldhavebeenthere,waitingatthestoplight.”Thenyoumightlookintothestatisticsondrunkdriversandseehowmanyarerepeatoffenders,andnotice that therearesome loopholes in the law,which, ifclosed,might reducetheprobabilityoftheaccidentyoujustexperienced,forothers.Youincludeyourpreviouslackofawarenessofthesefactsinyourdefinitionofhowtheaccidentgotonyourboard.Oryoumightsimplynoticethatyoutakeacertainriskeverytimeyoustepintoacar.

Beingtheboardisnotaboutturningtheblameonyourself.Youwouldnotsay,“Ishouldhavebeenmoreawareoftheloopholesinthelaws…”or,“It’smyfault Ididn’t lookbehindmewhenIstoppedat the traffic light”or,“IknowIbrought thisonmyself.”Thosewouldbesentiments fromthatothergame, thegameinwhichyoudivideupfaultandblame.

GAINING CONTROL VERSUSMAKINGADIFFERENCE

Because,intheworldofmeasurement,weliveintheillusionthatwehaveonlyourselves to rely on, our need for control is amplified.So,whenmistakes aremade, and theboatgetsoff course,we try togetback in controlbyassigningblame. The “shoulds” and “oughts” from the blame game give us the illusionthatwe can gain control overwhat justwentwrong, and that’s an illusion oflanguage again. Of course we can’t change it or control it—it has alreadyhappened!

The practice of being the board, is about making a difference. If, forinstance, after hearing all yourgood ideas, yourbossmakesonemistake afteranotherthatyouwarnedhimabout,youmaythinktoyourself,“Heneverlistens,he’scompetitivewithme—hejustwantstoberight.”AndyoufeelonceagainlikeaprophetunsunginhisowntimeorlikeCassandrawatchingthetowersofIliumfall.Thisisatimeyoucanusethepracticeofbeingtheboard tomakeadifference.Hereishowyoumightproceed.

“Howdiditgetontheboardthatmybossisnotlisteningtome?”youaskyourself.Soonyounoticethat“notbeinglistenedto”hasbecomeanabstractionforyou,withmeaningsattached, like:hedoesn’twant to listentome,orhe iscompetitiveorclosed-minded.Youknowfullwellthatyouhavehadmanysuchexperiencesinyourlifeoryouwouldnothaverecognizedthisonecomingdowntheroad.Soyousay,“HowwouldIdescribewhatishappeningifIweretotakeaway those extra elements of my story?” And when you point to real thingsinsteadofabstractions,youboilitdownto:“ItoldmybosswhatIthoughtandhe did not take my advice.” Now you can draw a conclusion that gives youleverage.Youcansaywithoutfearofcontradiction,“Mybossdidnot takemyadvice because hewas not enrolled in it. It is up tome to light the spark ofpossibility.SoifIwanttomakeadifference,Ihadbetterdesignaconversationthatmatterstohim,onethataddresseswhatandhowheisthinking.”

Whereas“shouldhaves”arecommonplaceinthefaultgame,apologiesare

frequentwhenyounameyourselfastheboard.Thatisbecausewhenyoulookdeeplyenough into thequestion,“Howdid that thing that Iamhaving troublewithgeton theboardthatIam?”youwill find thatatsomepoint, inorder togive yourself a feeling of control or equilibrium, you have sacrificed arelationship.Whetheryougotintosilentcombatwithyourbossbecausehedidnottakeyouradvice,oryoufailedtospeaktruthfullytoyourdaughterbecauseyoudidnotwanttoupsether,oryoujustdidnotrecognizehowimportantyouaretoanoldfriend;atsomepoint,arelationshipbrokedownorisintheprocessofbreakingdown.Andyoureffectivenesshasdeterioratedwithit.Inthesecases,anapologyoftenservesasarestorativebalm.

But in themodeloffaultandblameyoucannotauthenticallyapologize ifyou do not believe you are wrong, according to a shared measure ofresponsibility.Itwouldbefoolishforthepawninthegameofchesstoapologizeto thebishop fornothavingcapturedapiece fivediagonal squares away, in alocationwheretherulesprohibithimfrommoving.Butwhenyou,asthepawn,nameyourselfas theboard,youcaneasilysayto thebishop,“I thinkIsensedthatyoudidnothaveathoroughknowledgeoftherules,yetIfailedtoenlightenyou.ForthatIapologize.”

In thefaultgameyourattention is focusedonactions—whatwasdoneornotdonebyyouorothers.Whenyounameyourselfastheboardyourattentionturns to repairingabreakdown in relationship.That iswhyapologiescomesoeasily.

YOUMAYBEASKING,“WhyshouldIputsomuchemphasisonrelationshipwhenitwill inevitablyslowmedown?SometimesI justneedtogeta jobdone,andpeople have to understand that.”Well, the answer is either they will or theywon’t.Sometimesyoucanenrollpeople in thenecessityforshort-termresults,and sometimes your being heedless of the long line of relationship will slowdowntheoverall“tempo”andrunyouintotime-consumingdifficulties.

CORA AND THE LONG LINE OFRELATIONSHIP

BEN:While the early days of rehearsing for a concert with a community orsemiprofessionalorchestraareeasy-going,withthefullperformanceonlyalighton the distant horizon, absenteeism is initially taken in stride. Members arejuggling school, work, holidays, business trips, and conflicting performanceobligations. But the final rehearsal days take on a more serious cast. For theBoston Philharmonic Orchestra, this cycle is amplified because of the rarepositionitoccupiesinthemusicworld.TheBPOmaintainstheessentialnatureandprotractedrehearsalscheduleofacommunityorchestra,yetithasgainedareputation for high-profile, high-quality live recordings and performances thatare favorably compared with major professional orchestras whose fullyrecompensedplayers are required to attend every rehearsal. So, as the concertapproaches, thepressuremounts, justas itwouldonanamateurbaseball teamabouttoplayinthemajors.

I was already anticipating a fraught situation before the Thursday nightrehearsal for an upcoming performance of Stravinsky’s balletPetrushka. Thiswastobethepenultimaterehearsalforaworkconsideredbymostmusicianstobeoneof themost treacherous in its technicaldemandsonbothorchestraandconductor.Theweekend’sconcertwasbeingrecordedlive,withtheintentionofreleasing it as the companion to a reissue of ourCDofTheRite of Spring, arecordingthathadsetaveryhighstandardandhadreceivedmuchacclaim.OurperformanceofPetrushkawasnotgoingtogounnoticed!

Already,threestudentmembersofourviolasectionweregoingtohavetomisstherehearsalbecauseofaperformingobligationwiththeBostonUniversitySymphonyOrchestra.Afourthhadcalledinsickthatafternoon.Onlyfiveviolasremained, theveryminimumtoachieveany reasonablebalancewith theothersections.

As seven o’clock approached, I noticed that Cora, the assistant principalviolist,appearedtobemissingaswell.Oneortwoplayersseemedtothinkshe

hada chamber-music coaching session that evening. Iwasbesidemyself!Notonlywerewedownyetanotherviolist,butCorahadfailedtonotifyeither thepersonnelmanagerorme,sotherehadbeennochancetopersuadehertocomeortofindasubstitutetositinfortherehearsal.

Ibeganworkingwiththeorchestra,myheadturningcontinuallytowardthedoor, expecting Cora to walk in. How could she ignore such an importantrehearsal?At thebreak, I rushedaround theConservatory lookingforher,andfinallyfoundheronthethirdfloor,chattingwithtwootherstudentsinoneoftheclassrooms. I stormed in, saying (orwas it shouting?) “Cora, don’t you knowthatwehavearehearsalgoingon?”

Corarepliedcalmly,“ButItoldLisaIwasn’tcomingtonight.”Thismademeevenmorefurious.Whatwastheuseofhertellinganother

memberoftheviolasection,ratherthanthepersonnelmanagerormyself?Andhowcouldshebesononchalant?“Cora,wecannotpossiblydoPetrushka thisweekendwithonlyfourviolasatthelastrehearsal.Atleastcometothesecondhalf!”

“No,”shesaid.“Ihaveacoachingsessiontonight.”Therewasnocoachinsight,andtheyoungwomendidnotevenhavetheir

instrumentsunpacked.Isaidsarcastically,“Doesn’tlooklikeacoachingsessiontome!”andstormedoff.I’mafraidIratherforgotRuleNumber6.

Cora arrived at the end of the rehearsal and said coldly, “I’ve decided toresignfromtheorchestra.Iwillnotbeabusedlikethat.”

Herewasyetanotherproblemthrustinmylap.“Oh,Cora,don’tbesilly,”Isaidwith irritation, “Iwasn’t abusing you;we’re just under somuch pressurebecauseoftheStravinsky,andsomanypeoplemissing.”

She did not change her stance. “Well, I can’t help that; that’s yourproblem,”shesaidandwalkedout.

Now Iwas really sunk.Our secondbestviolist had justquit—no time tofind a new one. That meant we were down to just eight violas for the all-important recording and concert. I went over it in my mind several times,thinkingwhatcouldIdo,whatweremyoptions?

AsIfrequentlydoonsuchoccasions,IpresentedtheproblemtoRozandasked forherhelp.Shesaid,“Ifyouabsolutelyhave tohaveCoraback in theorchestra for this concert,youhavevery little room tomove. In that caseyouwillhavetopersuadehertoreturn,andsinceyouareamasterofpersuasion,youdon’tneedmyhelpforthat.Ifyouarereallyangryandwantalittlerevenge,youcouldeventrytogetherbackforthisoneconcert,andthenfireherafterward.”Shesmiled, testingme,but Iwas innomoodforhumor.Shewenton,“But ifyoucan imagine lettinghergo,youhave someotheroptions.Letmeknow if

youdecidethatyouarewillingtoconsiderplayingtheconcertwithouther,andthenwecantalkitover.”

Atfirst,allIcouldfeelwasanger:“WhyshouldIhavetoplaytheconcertwithout Cora! She owes it to me to see this concert through!”—and then Iclutched.“Ican’tgetanyoneelse toplay theStravinsky, theperformance is inonlytwodays.”

AfterawhileItriedontheotherscenario—eightviolists,allwhowantedtobethere,allplayingtheirheartsout.Wouldn’tthatbebetterthanhavingatop-notchplayerwhose injuredattitudewaspullingagainst theflowof themusic?NowthatIwasnolongerdeeplysubmergedintheabsolutenecessitytohaveherback,IfeltmoreopentohearingwhateverRozhadtosay.

“IcanseethatIdon’tabsolutelyneedCora,andIdon’tfeellikepersuadingherorputtingpressureonhertoreturn,”Itoldher.“I’mwillingtoriskthatshewon’tcomeback.What,then,aremyotheroptions?”

And Roz said, “You can always grace yourself with responsibility foranything that happens in your life. You can always find within yourself thesourceofanyproblemyouhave.”

“But that’s ridiculous!” I protested. “I couldn’t have stopped her fromwalking out, and anyway I have too many things to think about, I can’t beresponsibleforeverythingeveryplayerdoes.Ihaveaconcerttoprepare….”

“Hold on,” she said, “I’m not suggesting you blame yourself instead ofCora.This isawayof thinking thathasnothing todowithblameatall.”Andshewentontoexplainthedistinction.

Isawacompletelynewpossibilityandwent tomydesk tobegina letter.CorahadbeenamemberoftheFridayclass,sosheknewabouttheformulationofgivinganA andwriting a letter dated the followingMay. Thiswaswhat Iwrotetoher:

October6

DearCora,

I’vedecided towrite youa letter like theone I asked eachperson in theFridayclasstowritetoexplainwhytheygotanAthisyear.Hereitis:

May18

DearCora,

IgotmyAbecauseIfinallybrokethecycleoflashingoutatpeoplewhentheydidn’tdoexactlywhatIwantedthemtodo.IcametoseethatwhenIgotangrywithpeopleorbecamesarcastic,itwaslikewipingthemout,andourrelationshipneverfullyrecovered.

Itwashardformeto“get”thatwhatIwantedwasnotnecessarilywhattheywanted.Forexample,ifwewerepreparinganimportantanddifficultconcert and players didn’t come to a rehearsal or came late, I would bedisappointed and angry because I thought that they should care asmuchabout theprojectasIdidandletnothingstandinthewayofbeingthere.Now I see that in a volunteer orchestra whose players have many othercommitments, I cannot assume that everyone’s priorities are exactly thesameasmine.

Ihavecometorealizethatpeoplewilldowhattheywanttodo—whichmeans that sometimes they will come to rehearsals and sometimes theywon’t—and I must respect their decisions. And if in my view they fail toadequatelyinformmeoftheirintentions,Inowaskthempolitely,toplease,in the future, leaveamessageon the voice-mail, or inform thepersonnelmanager directly, so that we can have some idea in advance of what toexpect.

IseethatconductingtheBPOisanenormousprivilegeandthatwithitcomecertainrisks:forinstance,thatIwillnotalwayshaveafullorchestraatimportantrehearsals.IknownowthatwhileIwilldowhatIcantoseethateverychairisfilled,Iwillacceptthefactthatthiswillnotalwaysbethecase.

I have come finally to the realization that relationships with mycolleagues,players,students,and friendsarealwaysmore important thantheproject inwhichweareengaged;andthat indeed, theverysuccessoftheprojectdependsonthoserelationshipsbeingfullofgrace.

Ihavealsorealizedthatsomeonewhostandsuptomeandisunwillingtoacceptabusivebehaviorismoreofanallythansomeonewhogoesalongwithit,eitheroutoffearorresignation.

As a result of this breakthrough, I have a happier life, and so do thepeople with whom I interact. Even the music sounds better. So I think IreallydeservetheA.

Thankyou,Cora,forbeingbraveenoughtoguidemetothisrealization.I have known it for awhile, but last night I really got it, that it ismore

important to make this breakthrough than to persuade, cajole, threaten,bribe, or charm you back into the orchestra. I have come to respect andappreciateyoudeeply.Wewillmissyou.

BestWishes,Ben

PeoplewithwhomIhavesharedthisletterinvariablyaskmetwoquestions.Thefirstis,ofcourse,“WhatdidCoradowhenshegottheletter?”Inonesensethatquestionmightmean,“Didyourstrategywork?”becauseafterallwewouldprefertogetourwayaswellashavegoodrelationships—wedon’treallywanttohavetochoosebetweenthetwo.

Theansweristhatshedidreturntoherchairintheviolasection,andIwasthrilled;moreover,my relationshipwithCora isnowof a strongandenduringkind.Thisexercisetrulytookmyattentionofftheissueofscarcityoftimeandplayers,whichhadmesoofteninaclutch,andheraldedadifferentlifeforme.All sorts of situations that can be interpreted as crises of scarcity continuallyoccurinthevariousorchestrasIconduct,butnowIrecognizethespecterofneedand frustration as it appears. And I remember Cora. Once you have a newdistinction,youhave it forever.So,whenpeopleaskme the inevitable secondquestion, “Couldn’t that apology have been a manipulation, just anothertechnique for gettingCora to dowhat youwanted her to do?”—the answer isyes,itcouldhavebeen.Youcantakealmostanythingandturnitintoastrategy.Yet, from the way I felt, the lightness and wholeness, my complete lack ofattachmenttotheoutcome—Iknowitwasn’t.

JUSTASTHEPAWNinthechessgameissubjecttothemovesoftheotherpieces,whiteandblack,muchofone’slifeinthefaultgameissubjecttoothers’actions,capacities, will, and whims. The perception of dependency arouses fear andleads to repeated breakdowns between us, which become the basis for theappearanceofbarriersandproblemsthroughoutlife.

So, in everyday life, when bad things happen, we have a spectrum ofresponsethatincludesguilt,blame,regret,helplessnessorresignation,thesenseofinjustice,righteousness,andanger.Buteachoftheseresponsesactuallytakesusonadetour,intoaneddyorawhirlpool,awayfromwhatwemightcall thelivingstream.

Let’sseehowit looksfromoppositessidesof the tablewhenbothpartiespracticebeingtheboard,requiringnothingofeachother.

Two“100Percents”MakeaWhole

Amandiscovershiswifeishavinganaffairandisdevastated,becauseshediditandbecauseshelied.Inhispain,hisresponseistowithdraw,getangry,blame,andreassesshischoiceofmate.Shehaschanged;sheisnotthewomanheknew.Everything seems different than before; he sits in the eddy trying to come totermswiththenewreality,togetusedtothisnewwomanwhowashiswife,andtofigureoutwhatheshoulddo.Shehasbecometheliar,theabuser,thestranger,andhestrugglesoverwhetherhecanandshouldtreatherassomeonehecantalktoorwhethershedeservestoremaintheenemy.Hegetshisfriendsonhisside.Meanwhilethingsmoveahead,andlifepasseshimby.

Ifheweretoadoptthepracticeofbeingtheboard,hewouldstartbyaskinghimself thequestion, “Howdid this get on the board that I am?” and if he isdisciplinedenoughtostayinthegameandnotreverttothefaultmodel,hewillseesomethingnewthatwillempowerhim.Ifhelookslonganddeepenough,hewillbeabletotellthestorywithsuchunderstandingand,yes,compassionthatanewworldwillopenupforhim.

Hereisanexampleofwhathemightsee:This was the one thing that was not supposed to happen. He had made

every attempt to let hiswife know that infidelitywas something he could nottolerate.Andfurthermore,theybothagreedthathonestywastherockfoundationoftheirrelationship.

But,heaskshimself,whywas“betrayal”suchanissuebeforeithappened?Whyhadhemadesuchapointofit?

Hethinksofplentyofminorexamplesofbetrayalinhislife,startingasfarback aswhen hismother left him at kindergarten in spite of his highly vocalobjections.Infact,herealizes,oneoftheinitialreasonshewasattractedtothewoman he married was that she seemed like a person who was not likely toopposeor betrayhim.Shewas accommodating and sensitive to his needs.Hetrustedher100percent.

Whentheyfought,ashepresumedallcouplesdo,sheaccusedhimofnotvaluingherwork.Thiswastrue—herealized—hewasnotreallythatinterestedinhermarketingjob.Yethedidhisbesttolisten.Theyhadagreed,hethought,

thatherdesire togo to lawschoolwasprobablyunrealisticuntil they finishedpaying off his business loans; although he had said he would be willing toconsideritatafuturedate.Hefeltthat,bybeingagoodproviderandcaretaker,hewasallonecouldaskforinahusband.

In this moment of reflection, he noticed how resolute he had been indismissingherindependentexperiencesanddesires.

Hisassumptions?

•Powerful,independentwomenbetray.

•Mywifeisnotoneofthose.

Doesthismeanthatbyignoringthingsthatwereimportanttoherhedrovehis wife to having an affair? That it was “his fault?” No, certainly not, andfurthermore,itisnotthegameweareplaying.Canheclaimtotalresponsibilityforthebreakdownthatoccurredintheirrelationship?Ofcourse.

Howmightthesamestorylookfromhiswife’spointofview,ifsheweretoadoptthepracticeofbeingtheboard?

Insteadofjustifyingheractionsbyblaminghimfornottakingherseriouslynorgivinghertheattentionshedeserved,sheasksherself,“HowdidithappenontheboardthatIamthatIdidtheverythingIpromised—andreallybelieved—Iwouldneverdo?”

Perhaps she starts by acknowledging that shehasneverhad an easy timebalancing responsiveness and independence.Her formative yearswere riddledwithguilt.Onlywhen shehadprovenher loyalty anddevotion tohermother,who had selfishly held on to her, had she felt free to live her own life. Anassumptionshelivedbywasthat:

•Lovingpeoplesupportyourindependence.

She realizes she had not been able to contemplate that there might be alegitimateconcernforthemarriagein,forinstance,herhusband’sresistancetoherattending lawschool.Shecouldonlyunderstand itasakindofselfishnessfromwhichshehadeventuallytoescape.Shenowrealizesthatbetweenhertotalsurrendertoaccommodatingherhusbandandhergrowingneedtoescape,therehadbeenlittleroomforrealpartnership.

So,shouldshefeelthattheprobleminthemarriagewasall“herfault?”No,that is not the game we are playing. Can she claim full responsibility for abreakdownintheirpartnership?Absolutely,ascanhe.

Whatcanthesetwodo?Shecouldsaytoherself:“Ofcoursehelovesme.He deserves an apology; he’s nothing like mymother.” And he could say tohimself:“WhenIlookatit,itwasabsurdtohangontoherlikeafive-year-oldandrefuse toface that relationshipsgrowandchange. Ihadher inavisegrip.Myfirststepistoapologizeandseeifthereisanythinglefttobuild.”

Together,theycomeupwithnewdistinctions.

• Love is neither about self-determination nor sacrifice. It is a context inwhichtwopeoplebuildthelifetheywanttogether.

•Strengthandindependencearequalitiesthatcanenhancearelationship.

In the practice of being the board, you are not concerned that the otherpersonexamineherownassumptions.Youseethatthe“stumblingblocks”thatstand in your way are part of you, not her, and only you can remove them.Moreover,onceyouembarkonthepractice,youmayfindyourselfrelinquishingyour claim for “fairness” or “justice” in favor of the riches that an intimaterelationshipcanoffer.

WHENYOUAREbeing theboard, youpresentnoobstacles toothers.Younameyourself as the instrument to make all your relationships into effectivepartnerships. Imaginehowprofoundly trustworthyyouwouldbe to thepeoplewhoworkforyouiftheyfeltnoproblemcouldarisebetweenyouthatyouwerenotpreparedtoown.Imaginehowmuchincentivetheywouldhavetocooperateiftheyknewtheycouldcountonyoutoclearthepathwaysforaccomplishment.

This practice launches you on a soaring journey of transformation anddevelopmentwithothers,acompletelydifferentroutethantheoneofmanagingrelationshipstoavoidconflict.Itcallsforcourageandcompassion.Youdonotfind compassion simply by listening to people; you open the channel byremoving the barriers to tenderness within you. Among the rewards are self-respect, connection of the deepest andmost vital kind, and a straight road tomakingadifference.

THEELEVENTHPRACTICE

CREATINGFrameworksforPossibility

WHENDR.MARTINLUTHERKING,JR.gavehisfamous“Ihaveadream”speechtothecrowdmassedon theMall inWashington,D.C.,on thathotAugustdayof1963,hewasaddressingnotonlythethousandsgatheredtheretohearhim.Hesoughttoawakenanunderlyingdesireinallpeople:intheperpetratorandinthewronged,inwhitesandinblacks,theonesonthissideofanissueandthoseontheother.King’svisionspoketothatwhichisfundamentaltoanyhumanbeing,the theme thatunites anduplifts thepeopleon the street, theprivileged in thesuburbs,andthepoliticiansinoffice.Hedemonstratedwithbodyandsoulthatdreamingcanmakeadifference.

WearesimplyseekingtobringintofullrealizationtheAmericandream—adreamyetunfulfilled.Adreamofequalityofopportunity,ofprivilegeandpropertywidelydistributed;adreamofalandwheremennolongerarguethat thecolorofaman’s skindetermines thecontentofhischaracter, thedream of a land where every man will respect the dignity and worth ofhumanpersonality.

—DR.MARTINLUTHERKING,JR.,July19,1962

Andhesustainedthedistinctionsofthatvisionwithhisworkandwithhislife.

The foremost challenge for leaders today, we suggest, is tomaintain theclaritytostandconfidentlyintheabundantuniverseofpossibility,nomatterhowfiercethecompetition,nomatterhowstarkthenecessitytogofortheshort-termgoal,nomatterhowfearfulpeopleare,andnomatterhowurgentlythewolfmayappear to howl at the door. It is to have the courage and persistence todistinguishthedownwardspiralfromtheradiantrealmofpossibilityintheface

ofanychallenge.Asaspeciesweareexquisitelysuitedtothriveinanenvironmentofthreat

whereresourcesarescarce,butnotalwaysreadytoreapthebenefitsofharmony,peace,andplenty.Ourperceptualapparatus isstructuredtoalertus torealandimagineddangerseverywhere.

Yetwedohavethecapacitytooverridethehiddenassumptionsofperilthatgiveustheworldwesee.Wecanopenawindowonaworldwhereallissound,our creative powers are formidable, and unseen threads connect us all.Leadershipisarelationshipthatbringsthispossibilitytoothersandtotheworld,fromanychair, inanyrole.Thiskindof leader isnotnecessarily thestrongestmember of the pack—theone best suited to fendoff the enemy andgather inresources—asourolddefinitionsofleadershipsometimeshadit.The“leaderofpossibility” invigorates the lines of affiliation and compassion from person topersoninthefaceofthetyrannyoffear.Anyoneofuscanexercisethiskindofleadership, whether we stand in the position of CEO or employee, citizen orelectedofficial,teacherorstudent,friendorlover.

Thisnewleadercarriesthedistinctionthatit istheframeworkoffearandscarcity,not scarcity itself, thatpromotesdivisionsbetweenpeople.Heassertsthatwecancreatetheconditionsfortheemergenceofanythingthatismissing.Wearelivinginthelandofourdreams.Thisleadercallsuponourpassionratherthanourfear.Sheistherelentlessarchitectofthepossibilitythathumanbeingscanbe.

Butthegravitationalpullofthedownwardspiralisstrongindeed;itisthemilieu in which we dwell. How do we reliably bring forth possibility in thiscontextandtaketoourwings?

FRAMING POSSIBILITY: THEPRACTICE

Thepracticeofthischapteristoinventandsustainframeworksthatbringforthpossibility.Itisaboutrestructuringmeanings,creatingvisions,andestablishingenvironments where possibility is spoken—where the buoyant force ofpossibilityovercomesthepullofthedownwardspiral.

Thestepstothepracticeofframingpossibilityare:

1.Makeanewdistinctionintherealmofpossibility:onethatisapowerfulsubstitute for the current framework of meaning that is generating thedownwardspiral.

2. Enter the territory. Embody the new distinction in such a way that itbecomestheframeworkforlifearoundyou.

3.Keepdistinguishingwhatis“onthetrack”andwhatis“offthetrack”ofyourframeworkforpossibility.

Hereisastoryinwhichaleadercreatesaframeworkforthepossibilityof

learning to livewithdifferences. It tellshowsheever-so-elegantly entered theterritory.

ANewChildren’sStory

Alittlegirl insecondgradeunderwentchemotherapy for leukemia.Whenshereturnedtoschool,sheworeascarftohidethefactthatshehadlostallher hair. But some of the children pulled it off, and in their nervousnesslaughed and made fun of her. The little girl was mortified and thatafternoon begged her mother not to make her go back to school. Her

mothertriedtoencourageher,saying,“Theotherchildrenwillgetusedtoit,andanywayyourhairwillgrowinagainsoon.”

Thenextmorning,whentheirteacherwalkedintoclass,allthechildren

were sitting in their seats, some still tittering about the girl who had nohair, while she shrank into her chair. “Good morning, children,” theteachersaid,smilingwarmlyinherfamiliarwayofgreetingthem.Shetookoffhercoatandscarf.Herheadwascompletelyshaved.

Afterthat,arashofchildrenbeggedtheirparents tolet themcut theirhair.Andwhenachildcametoclasswithshorthair,newlybobbed,allthechildrenlaughedmerrily—notoutof fear—butoutof the joyof thegame.Andeverybody’shairgrewbackatthesametime.

THE TEACHER INTERVENED on the divisions occurring in her classroom byreframingthemeaningofthechild’sstrangeappearance,releasingthelittlegirlfrom her identity as a feared alien. The teacher distinguished baldness aspossibility—afashionstatement,anactofchoice,agametoplay,anopportunityfor solidarity and connection.Noonewasmadewrong.Therewas nothing tofix. And the new statement was more compelling to the children than theirfearfulimaginingsbecauseitprovidedawholefieldofplay.

In the realmof possibility, there is no division between ideas and action,mindandbody,dreamandreality.Leaderswhobecometheirvisionoftenseemuncommonlybravetotherestofus.Whetherfromthemiddleoftheaction,orfrom the sidelines, they are a conduit for carrying the vision forward. LikeGandhi orMartin Luther King, Jr., they simply don’t resist stepping into thebreachwitheverythingtheyhaveiftheyseethatiswhatiscalledfor.

Legend has it that an encounter took place betweenKingChristian X ofDenmark and a Nazi officer shortly after the occupation of the DanishcapitalinApril1940.ItissaidthatwhentheKinglookedoutthewindowofthepalaceandsawtheNazi flagwithitsswastikaflyingovertheroofsofthegovernmentbuildings,hecalled forameetingwith thecommanderoftheoccupyingforces.

TheKingrequestedtheflagberemoved.TheNaziofficerrefused.King Christian walked a few feet away, and spent some moments in

thought.Heapproachedtheofficeroncemore.“AndwhatwillyoudoifIsendasoldiertotakeitdown?”

“Iwillhavehimshot,”theofficerreplied.“I don’t believe you will,” said the King quietly, “when you see the

soldierIsend.”Theofficerdemandedthatthesovereignexplainhimself.KingChristiansaid,“Iwillbethesoldier.”Theflagcamedownwithintheday.

THETHIRDSTEPofourpractice,distinguishingtheon-trackandoff-track,isaboutmaintaining theclarityof the framework.Being“off-track”oftensignifies thatthepossibilityofaventureismomentarilyabsent,orforgotten,orhasneverbeenclearly articulated.Perhaps people havebeen ridingon their initial feelings ofinspiration, which have begun to fade. Sooner or later things tumble into thedualisticstructuresofrightandwrongandspiraldownward.

HIGHSPIRITSINSÃOPAOLO

BEN: On our 1997 tour to Brazil, the New England Conservatory YouthPhilharmonic gave its first big public concert in the TeatroMunicipal in SãoPaolo after three exhausting days of rehearsing, sightseeing, and touring. Thehousewas filled to capacity. The enthusiasm of the warm-hearted, passionateBrazilian audiencewas overwhelming.Brazilian national television filmed theevent and, afterward, projected it on a ten-foot screen in the foyer so thekidscould see themselves.Theywerehighaskites.Now theproblemwas tocalmthemsotheycouldgettosleepandbefreshfortheconcertthefollowingday.Itwasaftermidnightwhenwereturnedtothehotel.

ThenextmorningIreceivedanangrynotefromaguestsayinghehadbeenwokenbyagroupofnoisymusicians.Severalotherguestshadbeendisturbedaswell, thehotel staff informedus.Four studentswere foundon the roofafter3A.M., and four otherswere picked up in an unsavory part of town in the earlyhoursofthemorningbythesecuritysquadofoursponsor,BankBoston.

Thenextday,theorchestrawastoplaynotonebuttwoconcerts,anoutdooreventat6P.M.infrontoffifteenthousandpeople,andanindoorperformanceat9P.M. of Mahler’s technically and emotionally draining Fifth Symphony. ThechaperonesswungintoactionanddemandedthatIreadthestudentstheriotact.They wanted me to remind the kids that they had signed a contract prior tosettingoutonthetourforbiddingthemtoconsumealcoholorbreakcurfew.

RozandIconsultedonthetelephone,fromBraziltoBoston,andaddressedthe problem, as we always do, with the question, “What distinction shall wemakeherethatwillbringpossibilitytothesituation?”Abrokencontractpointsto the dualism of good and bad, and leads into the downward spiral, so welookedforanotherframeworkinwhichtoconsidertheyoungpeople’sbehavior.Irealizedthatwhile therulesfor thetourhadbeencarefullysetupincontractform, I had never formally discussedwith the kids their purpose for being inBrazil, beyond giving concerts. Purpose, commitment, and vision aredistinctionsthatradiatepossibility.WedecidedthatIshouldholdaconversation

aboutvisionwiththegroup,asaframeworkforaddressingthelate-nightevents.Summonedtotheauditorium,thediffidentyoungplayerssatasfarbackas

possible, their teenage bodies in various postures of exhaustion and protest.Every face, innocentormalfeasant, reflected that theywereabout to receiveawell-deserveddressingdown.“Lastnightaftertheconcert,”Ibegan,“awomancame to me and told me with absolute honesty that the two hours she spentlisteningtoMahler’sFifthSymphonyhadbeenthemostbeautifultwohoursofherentirelife.Yougaveagreatperformancelastnight,andshewasnottheonlyone moved and changed by it.” Their faces looked blank for a moment, asthoughtheycouldnothearthesewordsthatweresounexpected.Afterapause,Iwenton,“WhatelsedidyoucomeheretooffertheBrazilianpeople?”

Onebyone, fromvariouspartsof thehall,cameanswers to thequestion:We came to show them the best of America! That great music is a way ofcommunicating friendshipand love.Wecame to show respect forBrazil!Thatteenagerscanmakegreatmusic!Thatmusiccanbefun!Thatwearehappytobehere!Bynowtheanswerswerecomingfromallcorners,andthefaceswerelitupwithjoy.

Whenexuberanceandeasewerepalpablethroughouttheroom,Isaid,“Ofcourse,ifyou’dgivenaterribleconcertlastnight,youprobablywouldhaveallcomehomeandgonestraighttobed.Itwaspreciselyyourexhilarationathavingparticipated with so many people in great music-making that resulted in fourkids being on the roof. It’s just surprising that theydidn’t float any higher onsheer energy! But doeswaking the hotel guests at night represent the giftwewantedtobringtheBrazilianpeople?Obviouslynot.Wegotofftrack.Youhaveto knowwhere the track is to get back on, and you’ve all just expressed thatbeautifully.”

Twoof the kids volunteered towrite letters of apology to thosewhohadbeendisturbedatthehotel,andothersthoughtofadditionalwaystobrightenourimagewiththepeopleofSãoPaolo.Noonefeltblamedormadewrong.Weleftthe auditorium with everyone in high spirits, ready to give two invigoratingconcerts.

JustasIwasleavingthehall,oneofthechaperonessaid,“Butyoudidn’tpunish anybody!” And then he added as an afterthought, “Though, I don’tsupposetheywouldbeinthemoodtogiveanothergreatMahlerperformanceifyouhad,and,really,Idon’tthinkwewillhavetoworryaboutthemagain.”

AVISION ISA powerful framework to take theoperationsof anorganizationofanysizefromthedownwardspiralintothearenaofpossibility.Yet,whilemost

organizations use the term “vision” liberally, we have found that few havearticulatedavisioninsuchawaythatitservesthatpurpose.

VISIONLESSMISSIONSTATEMENTS

Thetermmissionstatementisoftenusedinterchangeablywiththeword“vision”in business and political arenas but, by and large, mission statements areexpressions of competition and scarcity.Amission statement characteristicallydraws a picture of the company’s future, including its position in themarketplace,anddesignatesthestepstofilloutthedesign.ThatdesignismoreoftenthannotsomeversionoftheaspirationtobeNumberOne;bydefinitionanexclusive—and excluding—objective. This kind of statement may motivatepeople competitively, but it doesnot provide a guideline for all aspects of thecompany,nordoesitinformpeopleastoitsmeaninganddirection.Thereisnolongline.

Example: “We are to be the preeminent supplier of the most innovativetechnologyinofficedesigninAmerica.”

(Betweenthelines,alittlevoicefrominsideoroutsidethecompanywallsiscrying,“Whataboutme?”)

(Anotherasks,“Why?”“Whatfor?”)

VISION

Avisionhas the impellingforceofa longlineofmusic.Mozart’ssoaringduetfromTheMarriageofFigaroliftedtheprisoners’spiritshighoverprisonwallsinthefilmTheShawshankRedemption.

IhavenoideatothisdaywhatthosetwoItalianladiesweresingingabout.TruthisIdon’twanttoknow.Somethingsarebestleftunsaid.Iliketothinkthey were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed inwords, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you those voicessoaredhigherandfartherthananybodyinagrayplacedarestodream.Itwas like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and madethosewallsdissolveaway.Andforthebriefestofmoments,everylastmanatShawshankfeltfree.

In this way, a vision releases us from the weight and confusion of localproblemsandconcerns,andallowsustoseethelongclearline.

Avisionbecomesaframeworkforpossibilitywhenitmeetscertaincriteriathat distinguish it from the objectives of the downward spiral. Here are thecriteriathatenableavisiontostandintheuniverseofpossibility:

•Avisionarticulatesapossibility.

•Avisionfulfillsadesirefundamentaltohumankind,adesirewithwhichany human being can resonate. It is an idea to which no one couldlogicallyrespond,“Whataboutme?”

•Avisionmakesnoreferencetomoralityorethics, it isnotaboutarightwayofdoingthings.Itcannotimplythatanyoneiswrong.

•Avisionisstatedasapictureforalltime,usingnonumbers,measures,orcomparatives.Itcontainsnospecificsoftime,place,audience,orproduct.

•Avisionisfree-standing—itpointsneithertoarosierfuture,nortoapastin need of improvement. It gives over its bounty now. If the vision is“peaceonearth,”peacecomeswithitsutterance.When“thepossibilityofideasmaking a difference” is spoken, at thatmoment ideas do make adifference.

•Avisionisalonglineofpossibilityradiatingoutward.It invitesinfiniteexpression, development, and proliferation within its definitionalframework.

• Speaking a vision transforms the speaker. For that moment the “realworld”becomesauniverseofpossibilityandthebarrierstotherealizationofthevisiondisappear.

Vision-LedGoalsandObjectives

Insideoftheframeworkofavision,goalsandobjectivesspringfromanoutlookof abundance. A goal—even the goal “to beNumberOne in office design inAmerica”—is invented as a game to play.Games call forth a different energythan the grim pursuit of goals in the downward spiral. They draw out thecreativityandvitalityoftheplayers,withoutdenyingthatthelevelatwhichtheyplay may have something to do with whether the team qualifies for the nextround.Underavision,goalsare treatedasmarkers thrownoutaheadtodefinethe territory. If you miss the mark—“How fascinating!” Neither you nor thevision is compromised. In the pursuit of objectives under a vision, playing isrelevanttothemanifestationofthepossibility,winningisnot.

Examplesof“Visions”

Here are some examples, from our interactions with organizations, of visionsthat meet the criteria of frameworks for possibility. An international fooddistributioncompanywasinspiredby“avisionofaworldinethical,sustainablepartnership.” A company that designs inexpensive home products found theirexpression in “the possibility of joy in the everyday,” and a group of officersfromtheU.S.Armyresonatedto“thepossibilityofaworldlivinginfreedom.”

Barbara Waugh, worldwide personnel manager of Hewlett-PackardLaboratories, spoke of the transformation that took place when HP’scompetition-drivenmissionstatementwasfinallyturnedintoarealvision.“I grew up thinking that change was cataclysmic,” Waugh said, “andprobablyaccompaniedbymusic.Thewaywe’vedoneithereistostartslowand work small. At some point, it begins to multiply, and you gettransformation—almostbeforeyourealizeit.”

IthappenedduringameetingtoplanacelebrationofcreativityatHPLabs.LaurieMittelstadt,amaterialsengineer,posedasimpleyetpowerfulquestiontothegroup:

“Whyaspiretobethebestindustriallabintheworld?Whynotbethebestlabfortheworld?Infact,whynotsay‘HPFortheWorld?’”1

Thesubtleshiftoflanguagetappedintoanewreserveofenergy.Aseniorengineercreatedapictureofwhat“FortheWorld”meanttohim.Hetookthe now-famous photo of Bill Hewlett and David Packard, both of themstaringintothegaragewhereHPbegan,andsuperimposedaphotooftheEarth takenfromanApollospacecraft.Waugh’sgroupturnedthatpictureinto a poster for anHP Labs TownMeeting. People from the rest of thecompanybecamesoenthusiasticabouttheimagethataboutfiftythousandofthemboughttheposter.

Avisionisanopeninvitationandaninspirationforpeopletocreateideas

andeventsthatcorrelatewithitsdefinitionalframework.

“Tonal”Organizations

Avisioncanalsobelikenedtothe“tonality”ofacompanyorgroup—thekeyinwhich the piece is written. Atonal music—music with no home key—neverdeveloped into a universal art form precisely because there is no sense ofdestination. How can you know where you are unless you have a point ofreference? Music that explores only simple tonic and dominant harmonies isboringbecausethereisnoroomfordevelopment.Oranalogously,howinspiringis it towork for a companygovernedonly and forever by its habitualwayofdoing things? Complexity, tension, and dissonance can give life to anorganizationas theycan tomusic,but theydonotpresentacoherentstructureunless you can hear the home key, or connect to a vision.When a vision isleadinganorganization,itisinstantlyandsteadilyaccessibletoallmembersofthegroup.Avisionistheorganization’sowntoestonose.Itbecomesthesourceofresponsible,on-trackparticipation.

THEBOUNTYOFVISION

BEN: Under the leadership of our vision “Passionate Music-MakingWithoutBoundaries,” theBostonPhilharmonicOrchestrahasflourishedin the last fouryears beyond all expectations. Our budget has tripled, and we are runningcomfortably in the black—a most unusual situation for a nonprofit classicalmusic organization—yet we’ve never raised the price of our lowest pricedtickets, and we give away any returns to homeless shelters. We take on theprojectsthatcomeourwaythatexpressourvision,andwefindawaytopayforthem, so every aspect of the BPO, including the budget, is defined within aframeworkofpossibility.The results?Recordings thatarecompared favorablywithmajorprofessionalorchestras,programsandtalks togetpeoplewhohavenever been to a classical music concert excited about music, a tradition ofpreconcert talksthatarenowdrawingalmostafullhouse,andanannualeventwhereweteamupwiththephenomenalLouisianaRepertoryJazzEnsembletoputonagreatconcertandahugepartywithwilddancing.Andwhenwewanttodo something like take the orchestra, two choruses, two children’s choirs, andeight soloists—four hundredmusicians in all—toCarnegieHall inNewYorkCitytodoMahler’sEighthSymphony,wefindawaytodoit.

When the office staff insisted on renting a storefront in a busy urbanshopping area, I remember being puzzled as to why theywere so adamant—sincethemajorityofourbusinessisconductedonthetelephoneandcomputers.Buttheyknew.PassionateMusic-MakingWithoutBoundariescannotbeshutin.So nowwe have a BPO “storefront”with flowers in thewindow and a hugemural of an orchestra at play, andmusic radiating out onto the sidewalk.Wehaveinstalledabenchtheresopeoplecansitandlistenandeattheirlunch.Ouroft-sungvisionenergizesustofindnewwaystoextendthereachofmusicandguidesusinallourdecisions.

AfteroneofmytalkstoaninternationalgroupofyoungCEOs,inwhichIspokeat lengthabout thepracticeof“beingacontribution,” thepresidentofaHong Kong company came to me and posed a question that has been asked

manytimesbymanyothers.Hesaid,“Ilikeverymuchcontribution.Butwhataboutmoney?Youhavetomakemoney!”Myanswerwasthatmoneyhasawayof showing up around contribution because money is one of the currenciesthroughwhichpeopleshowtheyareenrolledinthepossibilityyouareoffering.That answer apparently was not enough for him. He rapidly countered, “Butwhataboutthestockholders?”

Atthispointhisdiminutivewifestandingathissidegavehimafirmjabtothe ribs and said, “No,not the stockholders, thechildren!”—because it turnedoutthecompanyproducedthemotorforatinychildren’scar.Inhisconcernforthestockholders, thisCEOhadforgotten that thecompanywasformedaroundtheideaofmakingatoythatchildrenwouldlovetoplaywith.And,infact,thatdistinctionmay never have been clearly articulated as a vision, so it was themoreeasilylost,andwithittheframeworkofpossibilityitcouldhaveprovided.Atthat,themanlaughedwhatIliketocall“cosmiclaughter,”becausehegotthewhole thing in that moment—how absurd human beings are, and howmagnificent.

OFTENTHEEXPERIENCEofapersonalcrisisorafailurewillconstituteabasisforthecreationofapersonalvision,whichinturnbecomestheframeworkforalifeofpossibility.AliceKahana,anartistlivinginHouston,hasapainfulandvividmemoryofherjourneytoAuschwitzasafifteen-year-oldgirl.Ontheway,shebecameseparatedfromherparentsandfoundherselfinchargeofherlittleeight-year-old brother.When the boxcar arrived, she looked down and saw that theboywasmissingashoe.“Whyareyousostupid!”sheshoutedathim,thewayoldersistersareinclinedtodo.“Can’tyoukeeptrackofyourthings?”Thiswasnothing out of the ordinary except that those were the last words that passedbetween them, for theywereherded intodifferentcarsandshenever sawhimagain.

Nearlyhalfacenturylater,AliceKahanaisstilllivingbyadistinctionthatwasconceivedinthatmaelstrom.Shevowednottosayanythingthatcouldnotstandas the last thing sheever said. Is she100percent successful?Wewouldhavetopresumenot.Butnomatter:Suchadistinctionisnotastandardtoliveupto,butaframeworkofpossibilitytoliveinto.

ENVIRONMENTSFORPOSSIBILITY

The person who rigorously maintains the clarity to stand confidently in theabundantuniverseofpossibilitycreatesanenvironmentaroundhimgenerativeof certain kinds of conversations. We come to trust that these places arededicatedtothenotionthatnoonewillbemadewrong,peoplewillnotbetalkedaboutbehindtheirbacks,andtherewillbenodivisionbetween“us”and“them.”Theseenvironmentsproduceastonishingresults thatcan takepeople inwhollyunexpecteddirections,perhapsbecauseall theirgates areopen—invitingus toplayinthemeadowsofthecooperativeuniverse.

THESKYISNOTTHELIMIT

BEN:IoftenbeginmyMondaymasterclassatWalnutHillwithatopicthathasonlytangentialrelationshiptomusic.Itisawayofgettingthestudentstothinkof their lives inawidercontext than thedaily routineofpractice,classes,andoccasionalperformances.AsateacherIhaveanenormousopportunitytocreatepossibility in every conversation. One class launched into a fascinatingdiscussion about risk, danger, and breaking through barriers. Because I wasgoingtoNASAtogivealeadershiptalkthenextday,itoccurredtometoaskthestudentstowriteaboutthesimilaritiesbetweentheNASAprogramandtheirlifewithmusic.TheyknowbynowthatwhatImeanis,“Talkaboutthedreamsandaspirations in common, talk about spirit, talk about being.” But I wasn’taltogetherpreparedforthemasterywithwhichtheyspokeofbothmusicandthespaceprogramaspossibility.Herearesomeofthespontaneousexpressionstheyjotteddowninclass,addressedtothepeopleIwasabouttomeetatNASA.

In the same way NASA uses mathematics and machinery, we musiciansmust use sound. Sound can explore the soul, coax out dreams andpossibilities that before were lost in inky blackness. A beautiful sonataescapesgravity.Wearenotverydifferent,youandI.Ourminuteindividualpersonsaresmall,butourlife-journeyscanspangalaxies.NASAisgrantedbillions of dollars and, for the insistence of possibility it bestows on theworld,itiswortheverypenny.

AmandaBurr,age16

Youare thediplomats, therepresentativesof theworldoverhere.Youaregoingintothenowheretosearchandtobeintriguedatthesmallestinklingof discovery. You are representing us to discover, explore, and find the

possibilitytoescapetheboxknownasearth,andgoasfaraspossible.Youhave the responsibility to push thinking and ideas beyond limits, into theethers,throughthenothingintothesomething….Musicissimilartospace,itisanexploration,aresponsibilitytopushthroughtheconfinesofpagesofmusic,togoasfarandasfastasthemindwillwork….

DaveLanstein,age16

Theworldcountsonyoutoopenupnewpossibilitiesanddiscoverwhatwehumanscando….Theonly timewhenmusicorspacehaveboundaries iswhenhumanscreatethem.Thankyouforkeepingthepossibilitiesalive.

AshleyLiberty,age14

When I came to give my talk to the NASA employees at the RobertGoddardSpaceCenter,Iwalkedonstage,lookedoutovertheseaoffaces,andsawtheretheverypeopledescribedinthelettersIheldinmyhand.DuringmypresentationItoldtheNASAaudienceabouttheyoungpeopleattheWalnutHillSchool, read the letters, and left the originals with them. Not long after, Ireceived a communication from the project manager. He said that thepresentationhadhadabigimpactandhadhelpedreenergizeandrefocusmanyintheaudiencewhohadforgottenwhytheyhadcometoworkforNASAinthefirstplace.Andthenhewenton:

NASAwas… incrediblymovedby the talentedyoung studentswhowrotetheirwonderful“letterstoNASA.”TheletterscapturedasimplebeautyastowhyNASAexists.Thestudentscommunicatedinawaythat thoseofuswhoworkherehaveneverbeenabletoexpress.Asyouknow,eachpersonasked foracopyof the lettersandwasoverwhelmedby thepowerof themessageandthetalentofyourstudents.

Our people were so moved that they decided to write letters to yourclass.Theirenclosedlettersareapersonal“thankyou”andrevealasideofNASAnottypicallyseen—awarm,emotionalsidethatgetstothecoreofwhywedowhatwedo.

PleaseletyourstudentsknowthatwhenweshowedtheletterstooneofourSpaceStationseniormanagers,thedecisionwasmadetoincludethem

on future spacemissions.The letterswill beplacedonaCD-ROMbeingpreparedfortheinitialbuildersandinhabitantsoftheSpaceStation.Yourstudents’wordswillcontinuetoinspireourexplorers,especiallyduringthelong and isolated times when they will face their greatest challenges inspace.

OnbehalfofallofusatNASA,pleasegiveourheartfeltthankstoyourstudentsfortheirinspiration.

Sincerelyyours,EdHoffman

ProgramManager,Program/ProjectManagementInitiativeNationalAeronauticsandSpaceAdministrationHeadquarters

NASAdidsendaCD-ROMwiththelettersfromthestudentsatWalnutHillSchoolintospace.TheirwordsandaspirationsarenowcirclingtheearthontheInternationalSpaceStation.

And here are a few of the many letters the people at NASA sent to theyoungpeopleattheWalnutHillSchool:

YourcommentsaboutoureffortsatNASAwereverymuchappreciatedandveryheart-warmingtome.Oftenwehearaboutthehighcostofspaceflightbut not very often the positive aspects. Theway that you pointed out thepositiveaspectsbroughtateartotheeyesofmanyofus.

ThankyouforremindingmeofwhatIamherefor.Iwillhavetoremember“I am here today to cross the swamp, not to fight all the alligators.”Thanks.

Thank you for your beautiful and eloquent words of encouragement onspace exploration. They so poetically remind us of our grander purpose.Coming fromyou,explorersof soundsandkeepersof the future, theyareparticularly meaningful. Each of us, in our own way, works to evoke agreaterdepthof understandingof ourpast, present and future.May yoursoundsreachthestars.

THEPRACTICEOFframingpossibilitycallsuponustouseourmindsinamannerthat is counterintuitive: to think in terms of the contexts that govern us ratherthantheevidenceweseebeforeoureyes.Ittrainsustobealerttoanewdangerthatthreatensmodernlife—thedangerthatunseendefinitions,assumptions,andframeworksmaybecovertlychainingustothedownwardspiralandshapingtheconditionswewanttochange.

But lookwhatmagicalpowerswehave!Wecanmakeaconscioususeofourwaywithwordstodefinenewframeworksforpossibilitythatbringoutthepart of us that is most contributory, most unencumbered, most open toparticipation.Andwhynotsaythatiswhowereallyare?

Hereisanexampleofaleader,framingpossibility,offeringanewwayforus to define ourselves. Nelson Mandela is reported to have addressed thesewordsofMarianneWilliamson’stotheworldatlarge.

Ourdeepestfearisnotthatweareinadequate,Ourdeepestfearisthatwearepowerfulbeyondmeasure.Itisourlight,notourdarkness,thatmostfrightensus.Weaskourselves,whoamItobebrilliant,gorgeous,talented,

andfabulous—Actually,whoareyounottobe?

YouareachildofGod.Yourplayingsmalldoesn’tservetheworld.Thereisnothingenlightenedaboutshrinkingsothatother

peopleWon’tfeelinsecurearoundyou.WewereborntomakemanifestthegloryofGodwithinus.Itisnotjustinsomeofus:itisineveryone,Andasweletourownlightshine,weunconsciouslyGiveotherpeoplepermissiontodothesame.2

THETWELFTHPRACTICE

TellingtheWEStory

BEN:WhenIwasnearingtheendofmyfirstsojourninAmericaonalimitedvisa,IsetupaprogramthatallowedmetotakeagroupofAmericanhighschoolstudents back toEngland to studymusic for a year.Eachof their high schoolprincipalsintheUnitedStateshadmiraculouslyagreedtogivethemafullyear’screditforthetimespentthere.IrentedahouseforthemnearHampsteadHeathinLondon, and instituted a complete course of study that includedmusic, art,philosophy,andEnglish.Iarrangedeachweekforascholartocometoadinnercookedbythestudents,totalktothemabouthisorherparticularfield.

On one occasion I invitedmy father,Walter Zander, who had devoted alifetime to thinking andwriting about conflict, especially the conflict betweenJews andArabs.By candlelight over a dinner intowhich the students hadputextracare,hebeganbydescribing thewholesweepofJewishhistoryreachingback to the days of Abraham. He poured his passion into the tale—the greatbiblicalstories,themedievalages,theaccomplishmentsintheartsandsciences,thestoryoftheDiasporaandthetragedyoftheHolocaust.Hebroughtthewholesaga down to rest on the tiny sliver of land calledPalestine in 1947, the yearbeforethelandwaspartitionedbetweenArabsandJewssothattheJewscouldhaveahomeland.

ThenhewentbackandnarratedthewholesweepofthehistoryoftheArabpeople.HeagainstartedwithAbraham,theacknowledgedancestoroftheArabsaswellasoftheJews.HespokeofArabicsciencesandlearning,themagnificentlibrary at Alexandria, the great artistic achievements—the tapestries and thearchitecture, the music and the literature, the folkloric Tales of the ArabianNights.AboveallhespokeofthelegendarycourtesyoftheArabpeople.

Whatwasmoststrikingwasthatheseemedtospeakwithequalenthusiasmwhether he was speaking about the Jews or the Arabs.When he brought thegreatfour-thousand-yearsagaoftheArabpeopledowntothesamelittlesliveroflandcalledPalestineintheyear1947,oneofthestudentsexclaimed,“Whatawonderfulopportunity!Whataprivilegeforboththosepeoplestosharethatlandandthathistory!”

Imagine if this sentiment had been the one to guide Arab and Jewish

relationsintheMiddleEastsince1947.

MOREOFTENTHANNOThistoryisarecordofconflictbetweenanUsandaThem.Weseethispatternexpressedacrossabroadspectrum:nationtonation,amongpoliticalparties,betweenlaborandmanagement,andinthemostintimaterealmsof our lives.What frameworkwill transform usAND thosewhose claims onresources, territory, and the “truth” are irreconcilablewith ours?What canweinvent that will take us from an entrenched posture of hostility to one ofenthusiasmanddeepregard?

Tobegintheinquiry,wehavedistinguishedanewentitythatpersonifiesthe“togetherness” of you and me and others. This entity, theWE, can be foundamonganytwopeople,inanycommunityororganization,anditcanbethoughtof, in poetic terms, as a melody running through the people of the earth. Itemerges in the way music emerges from individual notes when a phrase isplayedasonelongline,inthewayalandscapecoalescesoutofthemulticoloredstrokesofanImpressionistpaintingwhenyougetsomedistance,andinthewaya“family”comesintobeingwhenafirstchild isborn.TheWEappearswhen,forthemoment,wesetasidethestoryoffear,competition,andstruggle,andtellitsstory.

TheWEstorydefinesahumanbeinginaspecificway:Itsaysweareourcentralselvesseeking tocontribute,naturallyengaged, forever inadancewitheachother.Itpointstorelationshipratherthantoindividuals,tocommunicationpatterns,gestures,andmovementratherthantodiscreteobjectsandidentities.Itattests to the in-between.Like theparticle-and-wavenatureof light, theWE isbotha livingentityanda longlineofdevelopmentunfolding.Thisnewbeing,theWEofus,comesintoviewaswelookforit—thevitalentityofourcompany,or community, or group of two. Then the protagonist of our story, the entitycalledWE,stepsforwardandtakesonalifeofitsown.

By telling theWE story, an individual becomes a conduit for this newinclusiveentity,wearingitseyesandears,feelingitsheart,thinkingitsthoughts,inquiring into what is best forUS. This practice points the way to a kind ofleadership based not on qualifications earned in the field of battle, but on thecourage to speak on behalf of all people and for the long line of humanpossibility.

ThestepstotheWEpracticearethese:

1.TelltheWEstory—thestoryoftheunseenthreadsthatconnectusall,thestoryofpossibility.

2.Listenandlookfortheemergingentity.

3.Ask:“WhatdoWEwanttohavehappenhere?”“What’sbestforUS?”—allofeachofus,andallofallofus.“What’sOURnextstep?”

THEALCHEMYOFWE

ROZ: Onemight think that a treatment facility for schizophrenic and autisticchildren would be as unlikely a setting as one could imagine for theWE toemerge,butitwasthereintheMaster’sChildren’sCenterinNewYorkCityinthelate1960swhereIfirstsawitclearly.Oneofmypatientswasastrangeandpoeticnine-year-oldnamedVictoriaNash.Atanymomentthischildmightstrikeaposeandholditforhoursuntilsomeonerecognizedhergestureandinterpretedthereference;forinstance,“Oh,youareGiselleandyouarefeelingsad!”Attheopeningofthisvignette,assooften,shewastwirlingononefoot.

“Gotothestore!”shesaid,addressingmeimperiouslywhilegazingoffintothedistance.“GotothestoreandgetmewhatIwant.”Istifledasmile,anddidproper homage to the solemn nature of the request. “Yes, your majesty,” Ireplied,bowing.Ileftherintheroomtowaitformeandcrossedthestreettothelittlecornerstore.Iwasenjoyingthegame,particularlybecauseIpridedmyselfonmysensitivityinfindingtherightthingsforpeople.Thiswouldsolidifyourrelationship, I thought, wearing my therapist hat and taking myself quiteseriously.Iperusedtheshelves.Whatwouldshewant?Somethingtoread?No.Somethingsweet?Shewasn’tajunkfoodsortofgirl.AfatcanofDintyMooreBeefStewarrestedmyeye,momentarily.Thenmygazeroamedoverthesodasandjuicesintherefrigeratedsectionandreturnedtothecannedfoods.IselectedtheDintyMoore.

Intheroomwiththeblueshagrugandthesimplewhitecurtains,Victoriastoodpoised,herheadcocked,staringatthepaperbaginmyhand.ThenallatonceIrealized,“Iamathermercy.Sheisabouttoinventus;shehasthatpower,and this ishergame.This isnotaboutmeandmy talent forchoosinggifts; itisn’tevenaboutmypurchase.ThisisaboutUS.”AndIsawthewholething,thestoryofhumanconnectionthathadbeenunfoldingwhileIhadnarroweddownmysightstomattersofpersonalpride.Irealizedwewereatacriticalpointinthenarrative.Shewasgoingtodeclarewhowewere,whetherweweretogetherormilesapart.CourageouslyIfacedher.Bravelyshefacedmeback.Shetookthe

bag, opened it carefully, and extracted the can of Dinty Moore. “Oh, MissStone,” she said, relief suffusing her face. “Howdid you know this is exactlywhatIwanted?”

Victoria chose to tellOUR story, the story of sufficiency and connection,yetshemight,perhapsmoreeasily,havetoldastoryaboutherdisappointmentovermy shortcomings. It is an ongoing choice for all of us—when a loverneglects to call, a colleague lets us down, or someone surpasses us, we canchoosetotellthestoryoftheWEorthestoryoftheOther.

USUALLY WHAT WE MEAN by the pronoun “we” is “you-plus-I,” and so thequestions“Whatshallwedo?”or“Whatwillworkforus?”generallyrefertoacompromise betweenwhat youwant andwhat Iwant. The assumption is thatpeoplearesingular,constantbeingswhosestateddesiresare forall time.So itfollowsthatsomewillwinandsomewill lose,andneitherare likely togetalltheywant.Theresultingcompetitionstructuresusintwoways:Itencouragesustoexaggerateourpositionsandkeepbacksomeofthetruth,anditpushesusintooffensive and defensive positions, so that we are all too soon handing outultimatumsandguardingourturf.

ThepracticeoftheWEoffersanapproachtoconflictbasedonadifferentpremise.Itassumestherearenofixedwantsnorstaticdesires,whileeverythingeachofusthinksandfeelshasaplaceinthedialogue.

Here are some examples contrasting the I/You approach and the WEapproach:

TheI/Youapproach:

Hesays,“GivemearaiseorI’mquittingmyjob.”

His employerpasses thebuck, or tries to appeasehim, or lies to him, ortriestogethimtoputoffactingonhisdecision.

ComparethistotheWEapproach,inwhichtheassumptionisthattheentityWE,thein-between,isforeverevolving,foreverinmotion.Oftenjusttheuseofthewordwecanshiftthedirectionthingstakes.

TheWEapproach:

He says, “We’re apparently both happy with my work, and I sense our

loyaltyismutual.Yetthissalarydoesn’tsupporttheothercommitmentsinmy life.WhatdoWEwant tohavehappenhere?HowcanWEmake thewholethingwork?”

HereisanotherI/Youconversation:

Shesays,“GetthatwomanoutofyourlifeorIwillleavethismarriage.”

Heliestoher,ortriestoappeaseher,ortriestogethertochangehermindtogivehimmoretime.

AndtheWEapproach:

Shesays,“Iammiserablewiththissituation,andIbelieveyouaretoo.I’msoangryIdon’tknowwhattodo.AndIloveyou.WhatdoWEwanttohavehappenhere?What’sbestforUS?”

Thepracticeof theWE gives us amethod for reclaiming “TheOther” asoneofus.

Traditionalmethodsofresolvingconflict,alltheI/Youapproaches,tendtoincrease the level of discord because they attempt to satisfy the dichotomouspositions people take, rather than providing the means for people to broadentheir desires. I/You methods deprive people of the opportunity to wishinclusively.TheydonotgivepeoplethechancetowantwhatthestoryoftheWEsayswearethirstingfor:connectingtoothersthroughourdreamsandvisions.

WhiletheWEpracticecanenhanceanyaspectofyourlife,italsoposesarisk. It isnota techniqueforarrivingatadecisionbasedonknownquantities;it’san integrativeprocess thatyields thenextstep. Itasksyou to trust that theevolutionyousetinmotionwillserveyouoverthelongline.Whathappensafterthatisnotinyourcontrol,butspringsspontaneouslyfromtheWEitself.

THATWHICHWASLOSTISFOUND

ROZ:MysisterandIbecameguardedwitheachotherintheweeksandmonthsafter ourmother died. I don’t think either of us had a handle onwhat it wasabout,butI,inmycharacteristicway,waseagertorollupmysleevesandironout some issues with her. She, less given to argument, preferred to keep herdistance.ManyisthetimeIdrovethroughthestreetsofBostonpresentingmycase in themost cogent terms to a full courtroom just beyond the dashboard,whileshewassafelyclosetedastateaway.

Mybirthdaycameandwentandstillwehadnotmanagedtogettogether;of course I felt all themore put upon. Finally I had the grace to askmyself,“What’s happening here?” and I caught a glimpse of the in-between. All theenergy I had been expending to shape a persuasive argument was actuallypropellingusapart.AndImissedher—acutely.IthoughtthatifIcouldjustseeherwesurelycouldfindsomesolutions.SoIcalledher,andinvitedmyself toherhouseforbreakfast,andgotupinthedarkandwasdowninConnecticutbyseven. There in the kitchen in her nightgown I found her, looking like myfavoritesisterinalltheworld.

We talked gailywhilewe drank black Italian coffee, and thenwe took alongmorningwalkdowntheleafydirtroadsofAshford,Connecticut,whileherchocolateLab,Chloe, ran ahead and cameback, ran ahead and cameback, inlongarcsofperpetualmotion.

Whatdidwetalkabout?Thearchitecture,andthecountryside,andthecatsthatChloewaseagertovisitatthefarmahead.Werevisitedscenesfeaturingourhilariousmother.Wetalkedaboutmywork,andaboutapapershewasabouttopresent.My “case” never came up; itmust have gotten lost somewhere alongthat wooded road because by the time I got in the car—my courtroom, myfavorablejury—itwasnolongeronthedocket.

Did we resolve the issues? Obviously not, but the issues themselves arerarelywhattheyseem,nomatterwhatpainsaretakentoverifythescoreboard.We walked together, moved our arms, became joyous in the sunlight, and

breathedinthemorning.Atthatmomenttherewerenobarriersbetweenus.Andfromthatplace,Ifeltourdifferencescouldeasilybespoken.

Mydisagreementswithmysisterwerebutblipsonourscreencomparedtothehostilities individuals andnations are capableofwhenanger, fear, and thesenseofinjusticeareallowedtodevelopunchecked.“Puttingthingsaside”thenbecomesquiteadifferentmatter.Attheapexofdesperationandrage,weneedanewinventiontoseeusthrough.

NOHUMANENEMY

Justsuchadevicewasforgedoutofanunusualinteractionwithacoupleinmypsychotherapypractice,acoupleonthevergeofseparation.Thehusband,whohadresistedcomingtothesessioninthefirstplace,hadretreatedtothefarthestcorneroftheoffice,albeitonlyafewfeetaway.Hiswifewasinarageathimforhishabitofwithdrawing,justashewasdoingthen,andforleavingheralonetoooften.Asthetensionbuilt,shepleadedwithhimandaccusedhimandthensheliterallyhowledathim:“YOUDON’TLOVEME!”

Iheardmyownvoiceshoutingbackather“Whocouldloveyouwhenyouact like this?” and realized that I had hurledmyself between them. This wasprettyterrifyingforme—nevermindwhattheymusthavefelt.Iwasstandingafoot from the woman’s face, the face of someone with whom I had workedintimately and whom I knew very well, saying the most untherapeutic thingimaginable. I was truly out of the boat. In a split second of fear I made eyecontactwithher,andIsuddenlycaughtsightofhercentralself.

“But it’snotyouspeaking,” Iblurtedout.“It issomethingelse:Revenge.Revengeisspeakinginyourvoice.It’sacreature,sittingonyourshoulder,andit’sgoingtogethimnomatterwhat,evenifithastodestroyyouintheprocess.”Andthecreatureappeared,rightthereonhershoulder,infrontofourcollectivemind’seye.

Suddenly andmiraculously Iwasn’t angry and Iwasn’t trapped, and oursense of connection was completely restored. Moreover a whole new set ofphenomenaappeared. Isawhowmuchharder itwason thewoman tohave tomanagethisThingthanitwasontherestofus.Isawtheviciouscircleinwhichshewouldhave toblameherhusbandforheroutrageousbehavior just tokeephersanity,whiletheRevengeCreaturecelebrateditsvictory.ItwascleartomethatIthadcomeintobeingandsplitofffromheratsomeearlyageandhadnotevolvedsincethenbyaninchoranounce.And,Iknewitwasallametaphor.

Themanmovedoutofhiscornerandstoodbyhiswife.Thingscameintoview,oneafteranother.“It’snotgoingtoenjoybeingdiscovered,”Isaid.“It’s

schemingrightnowtofindnewhidingplacessoitcanmakeuseofyouagaintogethim.”Thewomanturnedtoherhusband:“Whatsheissayingistrue.Ihatebeing this way!”And he grasped it completely by the tone in her voice. SheplaintivelyaskedmehowshecouldgetridoftheThing.

Ifeltconfidentintellinghershewouldnotbeabletodoawaywithit,asthough I were an expert on Revenge Creatures; but in fact, once it wasdistinguished,Iknewexactlyhowitwouldbehave.Iknewthatifsheresisted,itwouldgaininstrength,andifshebroughtittothelightofday,itwouldloseitspower. “Just keep calling it by name,” I told her, “assume it’s lurkingsomewhere.”Askyourself,“What’stheCreaturedoingnow?”

Herewasanapparition—part inventionandpartdiscovery—thatremovedthebarriers betweenus and allowed for a flowof compassion, nomatter howbadly we had behaved. It meant that wholeheartedness between people wasalways possible. I saw that if we describe revenge, greed, pride, fear, andrighteousnessasthevillains—andpeopleasthehope—wewillcometogethertocreate possibility. We don’t have to restrict ourselves, and we don’t have tocompromise.Withourinventivepowers,wecanbepassionatelyforeachotherandforthewholelivingworldaroundus.Weneednevernameahumanbeingastheenemy.

INOURWORLD,terrorismisoneoftheultimateexpressionsofrevenge,breakingdown trust and community. How do we tell theWE story in the face of thisseemingly inevitableprocess?Howmight thepracticeof theWE proceed in acommunityviolatedbytheactsofterrorists?

ThepractitioneroftheWEstartsbygenerating,forhimself,theWE story:that people are their central selves, that communities are always seeking toevolvetowardintegration,thattheenemytoconquerisneverahumanbeing.Heencouragestheexpressionofeachthingthatispressingtobesaidinthegroup,notasaproblemthatmustberesolved,butasastatementthatcantakeitsplacewithothers.Hedoesthisuntilallthatwantstobesaidisspoken,untilallofallofusshowsup.Heholdstheframeworkforthelongline,andkeepsthequestionalive,“What’sbestforUS?”

Manyvoicesemerge:“Theterroristbombershoulddieforhisheinouscrime.”

“That’sjustmoreviolence.”“Heandallofhiskindmustbelockedoutofourcommunity.”

“Howcanweeverrecover?”“Howdowestopthisfromeverhappeningagain?”

“Howdowecompensatethefamilies?”“Theangerhasnoend.”

“Fearisgrippingourcommunity.”“Whataboutthechildren?”“Howdoesthishappen?”“Whatdowewanttohavehappenhere?”

AndtheWEstory,throughsomeoneorthroughmany,beginstotakehold.WhentheWEvoicespeaksitmaysay,“Ifwewanttoincreasethecommunity’sstrength against inhuman forces, let’s include the terrorist in the discussion,along with the families and the townspeople and the security forces and thegovernment.Let’shearwhathe thinks aboutwhy thishashappenedandwhatcanbedonewithhimforthesakeofthecommunity.BecauseheisoneofUS.

SYM•PHON•′I•A

ROZandBEN:AtthegenerousinvitationofafriendwhomwemetattheWorldEconomicForuminDavos,Switzerland,wevisitedSouthAfricainthesummerof1999withRoz’sdaughter,Alexandra.Alongwiththestunningbeautyofthelandscape and the richvarietyof life,wewere struckbyonevery remarkablething:conversationseverywherecenteredonSouthAfrica.All theenormouslystimulating discussions we had, with government ministers in Cape Town orwith artists in Johannesburg, with business people in Pretoria or with musicteachers in Soweto, all the discussionswere about SouthAfrica.Whether wetalked with our driver, or the chairman of the board of the Cape TownSymphony,orthecook,orthewasherwoman,wefoundourselvestalkingaboutSouthAfrica.SouthAfrica, theembodimentofsymphonia, thesoundingofallthevoicestogether.Aliving,breathingentity.

Returning from a visit to a medical clinic in the township of her name,Alexandrasaid:“What’ssoamazing is thatnobody ishidinganything.All theproblemsofsocietyhityouintheface.Youcanseetheterribleconditionsofthesquattercamps,andthetotaldisparityamongpeople’slives.It’sallintheopen.Anditistolerable,”shesaid,“becauseyouseethatit’snothowpeoplewantittobe. It seems as though everyone knows that everybody is trying to change it.Theydon’tidentifyaparticulargroupasbeingaproblem.It’sthewholesocietythathastheproblem,likeabrokenbone.IwonderhowmuchofthishastodowiththeworkoftheTruthandReconciliationCommission.”

TRUTHANDRECONCILIATION

Mandela’s post-apartheid, fully representational South African governmentconfrontedthedilemmathatfaceseverynationemergingfromalongperiodofsavageviolence.Whatattitudedoyou take toward theperpetrators, thepeoplewhose very existence intensifies bitterness and hatred in an already woundedsociety?Whatpoliciesdoyouadopttohealthenation?

To address this question, the South African government put into place aframework for the possibility of the integration of all aspects of society, andappointed Archbishop Desmond Tutu as its chairman. The Truth andReconciliation Commission (TRC) offered amnesty to individuals who werepreparedtotellthewholetruth,publicly,andcouldprovethattheirviolentdeedshadbeenpoliticallymotivated. If an individual chosenot to appearbefore theCommission,heorsheagreedtobetriedinconventionalways.WrittenintotheSouthAfricanconstitutionwasthevisionoftheTRC:“aneedforunderstanding,butnot for vengeance, a need for reparationbutnot for retaliation, aneed forubuntu[brotherhood]butnotforvictimization.”1

ItmightseemthatMandela’sgovernmenttookahugeriskbyinstitutingtheTruthCommission.Afterall theatrocities,wouldn’t justicehave tobeserved?Might not people otherwise take the law in their own hands? But the TRCappearstohavebeenfoundedonanotherstory,thestorythatwereallyareourcentralselveslongingtoconnect,seekingastructurethatsupportsustodissolvethebarriers.Itseems,too,tohavebeenpredicatedontheideathatwhentheallof allofus isout in theopen, andour capacity tobewith theway thingsareexpands, communities will naturally evolve toward integration. The TruthCommission served as a framework for possibilitywhose results, as is alwaysthecase,wereunpredictable.

More“truth”wasrevealedthananyonehadimaginedwashidden,comingto lightbydegrees throughout theproceedingsof theTRC.Asone storyafteranotheremerged,thedualisticdefinitionsofvictimsandperpetratorsshiftedandnewpatternswereformed,deeperunderstandings,andperhapsthefundamental

sense of connection that we were seeing on our visit. It was not uncommon,apparently, to see the perpetrators break down in tears as they described theiractionstotheveryfamiliestheyhadviolated.

Asayoungwomanrealized,havingjustheardapolicemantellhowhehadkilledhermother:“TheTRCwasneversupposedtobeaboutjustice;it’saboutthetruth.”2Theallofallofus.Designedtoputtheimpulseforrevengeatoneremoveandtobringforwardtheenemyasahumanbeing,apartofUS,itwasaframeworkforthepossibilityofsocialtransformation.

And, as Mandela said, the Truth Commission “helped us to move awayfromthepast toconcentrateon thepresentandthefuture.”3It left thesocietyfreetotakethenextstep.

WHILEVISIONSGO IN and out of favor, theWE remains, holding our heartbeat,moving on the impulse of the long melodic line of human possibility.Transformationfromthe“I” to theWE is the lastpracticeand the long lineofthisbook: the intentional,ongoingdissolutionof thebarriers thatdivideus,sothatwemaybe reshaped as auniquevoice in the ever-evolving chorusof theWE.Eachofuscanpracticeitfromanychair,everyday,anywhere.ThepracticeoftheWEdrawsonalltheotherpractices.Andifyouattuneyourear,youwillhearthevoiceoftheWEsingingthrougheachoneoftheminharmony.

ROSARIO

BEN: The New England Conservatory Youth Philharmonic Orchestra was ontour in Chile, and it was a day in which we had a recording session in theafternoon and a concert in the evening. I thought it was better not to have arehearsal in the morning as well, but I was also wary of how exhausted theyoungplayersmightbecomeiftheywereletlooseonthetown.SoIgatheredtheentireorchestra,eighty-eightstrong,inalargereceptionroomonthetopflooroftheCarreraHotelinSantiago.Iaskedthemtobringtheirindividualpartssothatwe could go through the music together. Instead of assuming the role ofinstructor, I invited them to comment about the performances we had beengivingonthetour,especiallyquestionsofinterpretation.Theyrespondedtotheinvitationmagnificently,asthoughtheyhadbeenwaitingpatientlyformetoask.Theydidnotneedmetoconductthesession,theytookitoverthemselves,andabout half of them spokeupduring thenearly three-hour session.Theydidn’tconfine theirobservations to things that related to theirownparts:a trumpeterofferedan insightaboutaviolapassage,andawoodwindplayerdiscussed thetuba part as though he were about to perform it. I felt honored to be theirconductor.

Acoupleofdays later,wefoundourselvesonwhatwassupposed tobeatwelve-hourbustrip—butthatstretchedout,asaresultofvariousmishaps,tobeaseventeen-hourjourneythroughArgentina.WehadperformedthenightbeforeintheworldfamousTeatroCommunaleinSantiagoandwerenowmakingourway through Argentina to our engagement in the hallowed Teatro Colon inBuenosAires,stoppingofftogiveconcertsinacoupleofsmallertownsalongtheway.Althoughno complaintwasheard fromanymemberof theorchestraduringthelengthybusride,Iwasconcernedthatgeneralfatiguewouldcauseaperfunctory performance in the less-than-prestigious hall in the small town ofRosario.

Lookingforanewwayofrehearsingtheby-nowexcessivelyfamiliarNewWorldSymphonyofDvorak,Iaskedtheorchestratoreseatitselfonthestage,so

thatasmanyplayersaspossiblewereplacednexttoanunfamiliarinstrument.Afirstvioliniststoodnexttothetimpani,anoboeplayeramongsttheviolas,ahorninthecellosection.Oneofthedoublebassplayersevenputhimselfbetweentheconcertmistressandme.Thepurposewastorevealnewsoundsandtexturesthatthemusicianscouldnothearfromwithintheirownsections.

In addition, as was our custom on each day of the tour, I read aloud aquotationtoserveasapointofinquiryfortherehearsal.“Neveradoorcloses,but another one opens” was the thought for the day. I asked the players toimagine theywerecompletelyblind.Theybegantoplay theDvorakwitheyesshuttight.Afterafewmoments,Istoppedthem.Itwascleartoallofusthatthespecialflexibilityandfreedomwehadworkedsohardoverthemanymonthstocreatehadbeen lost, leavingonlya square rigidbeat that theyclung to in theabsence of a visible leader. “When the door of eyesight closes,” I said, “whatdoor is likely toopen?”“Listening,”was the immediate response fromseveralmembersofthegroup.Westartedagain.

Iwalkedtothebackofthehallastheyplayed,andwasastonishedtofindthat a new kind of music-making was emerging in that rehearsal hall like alandscape revealedat lastby thedawn.Eighty-eightmusicians,noneofwhomhad intentionally memorized the score, were playing not by memory, but byheart, the entire firstmovement ofDvorak’sNewWorld, with an elasticity oftimingrareinanorchestraofseeingmusicians,unfathomableinanorchestraofblind ones. I saw that several of the visitors in the hall, teachers and musicstudentsfromRosario,wereweeping,movedasIwasbytheconnectionspresentonstageandinthehall,andbysomethinglikeanewvoice,atrueone,audibleforthefirsttime.

Uplifted,Ireturnedtothestageandaskedtheyoungplayerstoimaginethattheyhadmiraculouslyrecoveredtheireyesightandstillfoundthemselvesontheshoresof thisNewWorldof listening.AsweperformedthefirstmovementoftheDvorakoncemore,alleyesfullyopenandearstunedtothefinestnuance,Ihadtheexperience,sooftensought,ofwholenessofspirit.Therewasnoleader,andtherewerenoonesbeingled.Harmonywaspresent.Itwasahighpointnotonlyofthetour,butalsooftheyear,andittookplaceinasmalltownbetweenthemajorengagements,wherenothingofimportancewaslikelytohappen.

I am done with great things and big plans, great institutions and bigsuccesses.Iamforthosetiny,invisiblelovinghumanforcesthatworkfromindividualtoindividual,creepingthroughthecranniesoftheworldlikesomanyrootlets,orlikethecapillaryoozingofwater,yetwhich,ifgiventime,

willrendthehardestmonumentsofhumanpride.

—WILLIAMJAMES

Coda

YOU MAY HAVE come to this book looking for solutions to some very realproblems,oryoumayhaveopeneditasanidletravelerpassingthrough.Beforelong you must have realized that the book had no intention of solving yourproblems,orevenoflettingyoubrowse.Itwasinterestedinprovidingyouwithtoolsforyourtransformation.

Fromwhattowhat?Fromapersonwhomeetsthechallengeslifeservesup,toonewhodesignsthestageonwhichherlifeplaysout;fromasinglenotetoalongline,frompartialtofullexpression,fromtheItotheWE.

How? By the same route that musicians take to get to Carnegie Hall—throughpractice.Choosethepracticesthatexpressyourself;theywillkeepyouin theboat.Theywillshapeyourvoiceasauniquecontribution tousall.Youcanturnyourattentionawayfromtheonslaughtofcircumstancesandlistenforthemusicofyourbeing;thenlaunchyourselfasalonglineintotheworld.

Over the course of our narrative youmayhave redrawn, somewhat, yourpicture of the world. Being an “adult” may now seem like quite a differentmatter.Perhaps itbrings tomind theartist, aperson likeyourselfwhoaffirmsthatheislivinginastoryandtakeshishandtothecreationofhislife.Theadultasartist, aone-buttockdancerwith thecooperativeuniverse,awillingconduitforpossibility.

Rememberhowweusedtodreamaschildrenofthedeliciousfreedomandpowerofbeinggrown-up?Andsomehowthedreamvanishedalongtheway,andwewereenergizedonlyhereandtherebyajobwelldone,aspiritedgathering,oranoccasionalweekinthesun?Nowthatweknowit’sallinvented,let’srevisethisstory.Let’sjustsaythatsomewherealongthejourneywecarriedtoomuch,orslippedtoooften,orheardtoomanyvoicesinourhead,andwanderedoffthetrack. The possibilitywe saw so clearly as children got lost in thedownwardspiral,andweforgotthepromiseofourbirth.

Howfascinating!Lookaround.Thisday,thesepeopleinyourlife,ababy’scry,anupcoming

meeting—suddenlytheyseemneithergoodnorbad.Theyshineforthbrilliantlyastheyare.Awakerestored!…tothedreamrevived.

Acknowledgments

ROZ:WehiredCarolLynnAlpertasoureditortohelpusworkoutastructureforthebookandweaveitsmanydiversandunusualelementsintoamusicalline.While Ben was out in the world, breathing life into the new practices withcorporatemanagers,orchestras,andstudents,CarolLynnjoinedmeinthelaterstages of organizing and shaping the voices, stories,words, and commas. Shebrought leadership to the task, great intelligence, a fresh imagination, and awonderful sense of fun. In addition, she opened my eyes and heart to apossibility of partnership that lay outside of the box I had been living in and,happily,Iwillneverbethesame.

VikramSavkar’s thoughtfulapproach to researchwas invaluable tous, aswashisintelligenceindiscussingthetext,andhisknackforfindinganeedleinahaystackwhentrackingreferences.

WEEVOLVEDOURWORKfromverydifferentbackgrounds.Ben’sdevelopmentasa musician, a gifted teacher, and, above all, an inspired communicator, wasencouragedbyhisspirited,community-mindedmother,GretelZander,whowasreliablyblindtobarriers.Itwasshewho,whenhernine-year-oldson’smusicalcompositions were negatively critiqued by a local adjudicator, promptly sentthemtoEngland’sleadingcomposer,BenjaminBritten.Itwasinitiallythankstoher thatBenwas thenshepherded intoextraordinarymusicalmentorshipswithBenBritten,ImogenHolst,andthegreatSpanishcellistGasparCassado.WhenWalter Zander asked the Spanish maestro for a bill for Ben’s cello lessons,Cassadowavedhimaside,saying,“IfIchargedwhatIthoughtmylessonswereworth, you could never afford it,” and proceeded to teach Ben for five yearswithout charging apenny.Benhas carried that spirit of generosity forwardbymentoring and arranging scholarships for literally thousands of young people.And he uses music as a medium to bring possibility to thousands of others:corporateleaders,accountants,doctors,youngchildren,andpeoplelikeSarahattheendoftheirlives.Hisengagementisalwaysatwo-waystreet—heisguidedandfulfilledbyseeingotherscatchthesparkofpossibilityandtakeitintotheir

lives.ThesearethepeopleBenacknowledges.Mytransformationalleaningswerealsosparkedbymymother,LucyStone,

a woman of vast imagination and literary gifts. While an English literaturebackgroundpredisposedmetowardconstructivistornarrativetherapybeforetheterms were popular, thinkers and writers like Erving Goffman, master ofcontingency,andPeterBerger,withhisSocialConstructionofReality,capturedmy imagination and altered my worldview. A short film on the work ofHumberto Maturana that I saw in the early 1980s permanently shifted myperspective on how we know what we know. My mentor in family systemstherapy,Dr.DavidKantor,broughtaworldof interactions to light thatwereatfirstinvisibletome,andpointedtoanewpossibilityoftransformingidentity.

TheteachingsofLandmarkEducation,FernandoFlores,andContegrityarecompatiblewithandcomplementarytothestoryoflifewetellinthisbook.WeespeciallyacknowledgeLandmarkEducationfor itsemphasison thedisciplineandpowerofmakingdistinctionstotransformone’sexperienceoftheworld.

Wewant to thank and acknowledgemy daughter,AlexandraBageris, forhersupportfortherelationalsideoftheproject:forherdedicationtotheallofallofus,andtoourvoicesbeingfullyexpressed;andmyson,EvanBageris,forhiscontributiontothedevelopmentof theRuleNumberSixchapter, includinghisknowledgeoftheliteratureonalternativewaysofviewingtheself.

We thank Juliet and Urs Gauchat for their warm support-emotional,intellectual, and culinary—over the years of the project, and for keeping usstraightonalltheaspectsofrelationshipthathadtobeconsideredinfindingtheformforthebook.

I thank my dear friend Anne Peretz for her total dedication to thefulfillment of the vision,which entailed forgoing our annual painting trips, aswell asbeingan ear for everydifficulty; andmy lifelong friendsSusanMoonand Judy Nathanson, who were compassionate and helpful readers for earlydrafts.

Valuablecollaboratorsintheevolutionofthisbookhavebeenthepeopleinmypracticewhohaveworkedsounreservedlytodevelopthemselvesandtheirlives. I am obliged not to name them. Perhaps, in another era, entering intopsychotherapywillbedefinednotasremediationforpersonalfailure,butasanesteemeddisciplineforevolvingone’sabilitytocontribute.

OtherkeycollaboratorshavebeenKentLineback,MichaelMostoller,JohnDecuevas, Antonia Rudenstine, Christopher Wilkins, Kira Ayers, and JeremyTrelsted.

Someplaces in thewildmustbenamedas supportiveecosystems for thebook: the summer tent on the island ofVinalhaven,Maine,where I lived and

worked, and the firehouseoverlooking theharbor thatBodineAmesprovided;the cabin in conservation land inDuxbury,Massachusetts—the pond, and thewoods,andthepeoplewhowentoutoftheirwayintheirbusiesttimestosupplywaterandpower.

ENORMOUSAPPRECIATIONgoestoexecutiveeditorMarjorieWilliamsanddirectorCarolFranco,whocametouswithspiritandlaughter,and, togetherwiththeircolleagues at the Harvard Business School Press, made the whole project anembodimentofthepractices.

AbouttheAuthors

ROSAMUND STONE ZANDER, an executive coach and family systems therapist,developsmodelsforleadership,relationship,andeffectiveaction.Sheproposesa theory of human development that promotes creativity as an essential adultcapacity. Ms. Zander has designed programs for corporations as well asgovernment agencies, and has conducted workshops in a variety of settings,including theAspen Institute, theBritishCivilService,NationalPublicRadio,and the World Economic Forum. A native of Cambridge, Massachusetts, herprofessionalstudies includeaB.A. fromSwarthmoreCollege,graduatestudiesattheBankStreetCollegeofEducation,andanM.S.S.fromBostonUniversity’sSchool of Social Work. She has held positions as a child therapist at thecelebratedMaster’sChildren’sCenterinNewYorkCityandasasupervisorandinstructor in family therapy at the Kantor Family Institute and The FamilyCenterinSomerville,Massachusetts.Ms.Zanderiscurrentlyinprivatepracticein Cambridge and runs an Accomplishment Program that enables people tocompletemajorprojects.Agiftedartist,shehadherfirstone-personexhibitionasalandscapepainterin1981.

BENJAMINZANDERhasbeentheconductoroftheBostonPhilharmonicsinceitsformationin1979.Hehasappearedasaguestconductorwithorchestrasaroundthe world, giving regular performances with the Philharmonia Orchestra ofLondon, with whom he is recording the complete cycles of Beethoven andMahler symphonies for Telarc Records. He has taught at the New EnglandConservatory in Boston formore than thirty years, runs amusic program foryoungperformingartistsattheWalnutHillSchool,andconductsandtourswiththeNewEnglandConservatoryYouthPhilharmonicOrchestra.BorninEngland,Zander began composing at age nine, studied under Benjamin Britten andImogenHolst,andtrainedasacellist inItalyandGermanywithcellovirtuosoGaspar Cassado. He received a degree fromUniversity College, London, andpursued postgraduate studies at Harvard and in New York on a HarknessFellowship.Overthepasttenyears,Zanderhasbecomeasought-afterspeakerto

majororganizations forhispresentationson leadershipandcreativity. In1999,he received the Crystal Award at the World Economic Forum in Davos,Switzerland,forhisoutstandingcontributiontocross-culturalunderstanding.

1J.Y.Lettvin,H.R.Maturana,W.S.McCulloch,andW.H.Pitts,“WhattheFrog’sEyeTellstheFrog’sBrain,”ProceedingsoftheIRE47(1940–1951), 1959, cited by Tor N0rretranders, The User Illusion, trans.JonathanSyndenham(NewYork:VikingPenguin,1991),192–193.

2RichardL.Gregory,Eye andBrain: ThePsychology of Seeing, 4th ed.(PrincetonUniversity Press, 1990), 21–22, cited byNørretranders,TheUserIllusion,186.

3 D. O. Hebb, “Science and the World of Imagination,” CanadianPsychology16(1975),4–11.

4 J. B. Deregowski, “Real Space and Represented Space: Cross-CulturalPerspectives,”TheBehavioralandBrainSciences12(1989),57,citedbyNørretranders,TheUserIllusion,187.

5HeinzR.Pagels,TheDreamsofReason(NewYork:Bantam,1988),163,citedbyNørretranders,TheUserIllusion,188.

6MichaelGazzaniga,The Social Brain (NewYork: Basic Books, 1985),70–72.

1PaulR.Judy,“LifeandWorkinSymphonyOrchestras:AnInterviewwithJ. Richard Hackman,” Harmony: Forum of the Symphony Orchestrainstitute,vol.2(April1996),4.

2 Seymour Levine and Robert Levine, “Why They Are Not Smiling,”Harmonyvol.2(April1996):18.

1FrankSulloway,BorntoRebel(NewYork:PantheonBooks,1996),353.

1 Katherine Mieszkowski, “Change— Barbara Waugh,” Fast Company,December1998,146.

2 Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love (New York: HarperCollins,1992).Formattinghasbeenchanged.

1 Anthony Sampson, Mandela: The Authorized Biography (New York:Knopf,1999),521.

2GillianSlovo,Guardian,11October1998,quotedinSampson,Mandela,521.

3Sampson,Mandela,524.