OCTOBER2018 “

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The death of a loved one often changes our life instantly and significantly. There is nothing to do now but to visit our memory. It is easy to get lost in

our own memory of the way things were, but it is healthy, beneficial and even helpful to hold on to those memories. Some people have trouble vividly recalling something, which may now, be perceived as painful. Although I am a writer, I have trouble remembering to journal certain thoughts and events. I have learned that this is an important process for many people, in helping to retain the experience of loss and grieving. I am certain there are days I have had during the grieving process that I would have said I would never want to remember, but now, with time as a precious resource, I struggle to recall how I got through those days.

When we can look back from an emotionally discharged place, we may find that we do, in fact, want to remember how we processed our particular grief. For instance, if you have lost one or both parents, you may find that your siblings, if you have any, remember things very differently than you do. My brothers and I have very different perspectives on both the lives and the deaths of our parents. While I remember things a bit more fondly than they do, they often hint that I may be

looking through a more rose-tinted memory than they choose to. If this is the case for you, that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with remembering the ’good old days’ as just that.

Journaling through your grief doesn’t have to be a lengthy process, although you may find it therapeutic, and if you do, write at will, by all means. It can be as simple as summing up your day in a few words. This has become personal for me, as the last conversation I had with my father, before he died, was over the phone. He had fallen asleep while we were talking and I lay on my couch with my phone under my ear, to hear him breathe, the way he did when I was a child.

I wish I could remember more about that last conversation, or the last time I saw him alive, as I recall feeling as though it might be the last time. I often think, if I had just written a few words about either of those moments, I would recall them more easily now. At the time it certainly didn’t feel like something I would want to remember, as it was far too painful, but now, I would cherish those memories in a way I could not contemplate then.

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die .— Thomas Campbell

turning the pages through grief

by Paulette LeBlanc ...weren’t they?

Those were the days

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Created and owned by Madsen Ink, Co. • Copyright 2018chaptersnewsletter@comcast.net

The purpose of this newsletter is to share thoughts and insights from a variety of sources on how to live richly and meaningfully through all of life’s chapters.

There will certainly be many suggestions offered you through the emotional turmoil of loss. Ultimately, it is up to you whether or not you choose to record some of your grief process. You can decide to revisit your feelings later, or lock them up in box somewhere, leaving them for future generations. Just as you can choose to remember the best parts of your relationship with the deceased, you

can also choose to focus on the less than perfect aspects, if that makes your day more palatable. Nothing you do with your own grief is ever wrong, even if it is not what another would

choose. Keep in mind that each of us grieves differently, separately, and that no one can tell you what’s right for you. Remember to be kind to yourself through this process.

turning the pages through grief

Paulette LeBlanc, who is trained in family counseling, is a published author, editor and freelance writer, who currently resides on the Gulf Coast of Florida.

Nothing you do withyour own griefis ever wrong.

If you tend to be instrumental (“take action”) in your grief, work to ask questions about how others are experiencing the loss. Try to understand the depth of emotional pain and that, for them, talking to you can be extremely helpful. If you are intuitive and live with a person who is more instrumental, you will likely want to affiliate with a bereavement support group populated with people who also want to talk-out their experiences with loss since even the most understanding instrumental griever will have difficulty talking (or listening) as much as you need.

So what can you do if a family member grieves far differently than you do? Try to understand that there are many ways to grieve. Grief has

many ups and downs but most people find the general pattern is toward assimilating the loss into life. While we do not “get over” our losses, we do learn to enfold them into our lives so that we become changed people. Some of these changes will be for the better; grieving people often report that they are more compassionate toward others and more attentive to their family, for example.

If you feel yourself sinking into depression and these symptoms persist regardless of what you do, you should speak to a professional counselor who is experienced with bereavement. If you (or a loved one) are increasingly relying on alcohol or drugs, professional consultation is in order.

Above all else, work to understand those around you, who probably grieve quite differently from you.

Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief By Martha Whitmore Hickman

Someone suggested this book, after I lost my 32-year-old daughter to cancer. I ordered it, tried to read it, and put it down. It stayed stacked with other books, for two years. The beginning of this year I came across it again, opened and read. Now, I can finally read and appreciate it. It is six days until my daughter’s birthday, and this excerpt especially touched my heart.“It surprises us. We know it’s a fluke. We know it won’t last. Happiness? Contentment? Joy? And not just a quick flash of joy, of contentment—as when we hear a song we love or witness a beautiful sunset. But a sense that in some way we are going to be able, after all this, to be happy! Whoever would have thought it?”Now that I can finally read this book, it has brought smiles and tears and is helping me heal even more. I wrote this so that those that are walking this road of shards of glass, when it has turned into a path of pebbles, can pick this up, read and meditate. By the way, it is still a work in progress; I have many more days of happiness, joy and peace since I made that decision to read this book than before. —Amazon Book Review

yagottalaugh

“I miss the old normal.”

The “Right” Wayto Grieve?

footnotes* by Bill Hoy

* Dr. Bill Hoy teaches at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. He is widely regarded as an authority on the sociocultural history of funeral rites, the topic of his most recent book: Do Funerals Matter: The Purposes and Practices of Death Rituals in Global Perspective (Routledge, 2013).