Voice Male Winter 10

8/8/2019 Voice Male Winter 10

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Iam at a point in my life where I welcome

my tears. It wasnt always that way.

Despite the work Ive done on myself

and the work I dosometimes it still feels

unsafe to let tears come. Other times I dont

have any choice.

Such was the case on a snowy December

night when I was in the audience listening

to David Mallett, a remarkable singer-song-

writer who I first heard when I was around

30. This year, I turn 60. Throughout my thir-

ties, forties and fifties, listening to Davids

salty, seasoned Maine baritone would alwaystear a piece of my heart. His voice does for

me as a middle-aged man what Janis Joplins

plaintive sirens call evoked when I was in

my twenties. In his voice, all the more rich

with age, his songs burrow in, massaging

my heart.

More men than youd think are like

David Mallett, sharing stories from our

hearts. His tales of lost love, hurting, healing,

and redemption are our stories, too. Listening

to him that wintry night it felt as if he was

making me an offering: Here. Take these

songs as a gift, man to man.Some of the music turned overlike

clumps of rocky earthbroken pieces of

my heart. Missing my father, gone since

88. Wounds from the end of a marriage

two decades ago (healed over as much as

those kinds of wounds can). Out of the

shards of loss Ive made myself whole, and

I felt a brightness, too, in jaunty tunes of

celebration of natureboth human and in

the environment. They evoked in me a quiet

contentmentmy heart opened wider than

ever, appreciating the great joy of a loving

wife and the blessing of four amazing adult

children.

In my travels to conferences and from

my perch editing this magazine, I sense more

men are starting in earlier to take inventory

of our lives, to more readily share what we

find. Few of us have a stage to stand on like

David Mallett, yet were more alike than

differentguys who have been around the

block, lines in our faces and, like the bard,

weathered like the Maine coast. We can

hear in his voicea harmony of strength

and gentlenessour own lyrics, wisdom

blending with melodies that turn song into

poetry. We may not have his gifts as a poet,

yet we can tap into the same well of tender-

ness.

On that Sunday night at the dark of theyear, he was our balladeer playing more

than two dozen originals, songs that mapped

the human heart. One, called Beautiful,

professed love for his daughter. He sang,

You are one of a kind/a wild flower on

the vine/and the whole worlds waitin for

you/cause you are the most beautiful girl/

you are the wonder in my life/you dont

know but its true/Im forever lovin you/

Im forever lovin you His love for, and

appreciation of, his father was expressed in

My Old Man. In it Mallett sang, My old

man/Talkin about my old man/He was thereat the start with a willin heart/He was there

when the world began/My old man was a

daddy/ Till I got too cool to call him that

any more/He took my momma to the grange

hall dance/And he waltzed her across the

floor/My old man, talkin about my old

man/ talkin about my old man

Like the gentle side of most men, David

Malletts tenderness might have been

obscured if Id only skimmed the surf

seeing in him only a road-weary troub

hard and stoic. How sad it would have

to have missed the truths he was sh

just as its sad that too many of our v

abilities and longings as men are overlo

Skimming the surface is what the c

often does with men, missing an oppor

to plumb our depths. For the mains

media and popular culture, men are u

seen as uncomplicated beings living

now, without histories, moving on wit

regrets. Were just after the big deaquick fix, or the quickie. Its not so. Th

time you find yourselfor hear som

elsedescribing men simplistically

about the men you know, men like

Mallett, whose lives are made up of te

ness and tears, joys and sorrows, stre

and vulnerabilities. We may not all be

writers and poets but each of our lives

stuff of songs and poems. Listen betwe

lines every day to tap into that truth.

Voice Male readers will no dou

interested in two examples of men shour truths more publicly. The Mens

Project (our cover story, beginning on

18) is a powerful dramatic expression o

speaking honestly from their inner live

V-Men, a kind of mens auxiliary of V

the international effort to prevent vio

against women and girls, is beginn

hold workshops as part of an effort to

a new dramatic presentation entitle

Ways to Be a Man. (See back cover

possibilities for this next decade bein

where more men share the truth of ou

will only grow stronger if more of

willing to leave the man caves of solitu

the gardens of our hearts.

L H

O B R O

Rob Okun can be reached at rob@

malemagazine.org.

Singer-songwriterDavid Mallett

FROM THE EDITOR

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C M C T

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C O

From the Editor

Letters

Men@Work

Outlines

Fathers & Sons

Men and Health

Men Overcoming

ViolenceBooks

Film

Resources

Listening for the Harmony in Our Lives By Rob Okun

The Male Straitjacket By Brendan Tapley

Broken Father, Loyal Son By John Sheldon

Men at Greater Risk For Cancer Death?

Why Men Cant Remain Silent By Byron Hurt

2

4

5

8

12

25

29

30

31

32

N M M. G G

Stepping Off the Pedestal of Male Privilege

By Tal Peretz

I MMen, the Mainstream Press and Rape in the Congo

By Jackson Katz

Is It Anger or Is It Abuse?

By Joyce and Barry Vissell

Mens Lives, Mens TruthsThe Mens Story Project

By Charles Knight

A F M R S

By Sarah Epstein

Imagining a Different World to Understand This One

Through the Looking Glass of Violence

By Stephen McArthur

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14

16

18

23

27

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National Advisory Board

Juan Carlos ArenFamily Violence Prevention Fund

John BadalamentAll Men Are Sons

Eve EnslerV-Day

Byron HurtGod Bless the Child Productions

Robert JensenProf. of Journalism Univ. of exas

Sut JhallyMedia Education Foundation

Bill T. JonesBill . Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Co.

Jackson KatzMentors in Violence Prevention Strategies

Michael KaufmanWhite Ribbon Campaign

Joe KellyTe Dad Man

Michael KimmelProf. of Sociology SUNY Stony Brook

Charles KnightOther & Beyond Real Men.

Don McPhersonMentors in Violence Prevention

Mike MessnerProf. of Sociology Univ. of So. California

Craig Norberg-BohmMens Initiative for Jane Doe

Chris RabbAfro-Netizen

Haji ShearerMassachusetts Childrens rust Fund

Shira TarrantProf. of Gender Studies Cal State

Long Beach

Rob A. OkunEditor

Lahri BondArt Director

Michael BurkeCopy Editor

.z.

I appreciate the personal, world and culture-spanning perspective you shared in [From theEditor, Summer 2009]. Never a fan of eithersubject of your piece [Michael Jackson andAyatollah Sayed Ali Khamenei], they do representa reflection of our broad-spectrumed masculinityand so [are] a reflection of myself. Along withthe other examples mentioned from the polit-ical arena that show the usual face of patriarchy(wounded and unhealthy mascu-linity), it speaks to the split withinourselves from the failure to faceand integrate the shadow. Our frag-mented selves can only act out inwounded ways when the shadow isunacknowledged and unintegrated.For the patriarchal expressions youcite, the word of caution to eachof us is that we do well to look atourselves in the mirror for what wesee looking back. More personally, Ineed to continue to look to see whatam I doing to heal the effects of thefragmented masculine paradigm Ivebeen nurtured in, to ask what concepts inform myway of being a man, what actions will I pursue tobe a wedge in that widening crack of the patriarchalplague that feeds the violence in our world?

Thanks for getting us all to stand in front of themirror, the primary place of transformation.

Mark Chaffin

Schenectady Stand Up Guys, Schenectady, N.Y.

www.schenectadystandupguys.org

I found out about Voice Male last April at the MenCan Stop Rape conference in Washington, D.C.This is exactly the type of magazine we need to getout into mainstream newsstands and bookstores toreplace the crap thats currently available to men.I will pass along the link to the folks on my gradstudent listserv, as some of them study genderissues/masculinity. Its a great resource.

Mahri Irvine

Department of Anthropology

American University, Washington, D.C.

Editors Note: Below is a letter sent to The in response to an ad published in the h

magazine.

I am writing to request that you stopof your t-shirt referring to a friend who wThailand and all he brought back was a kidn

prostitute. Im not sure you understandoften women are kidnapped and sexuallyficked both internationally and domesticallfact book from the University of Rhode

on the Global Sexual Exploin Thailand* (www.uri.edu/wms/hughes/thailand) can pyou with information regardienormity of the problem anscale of human suffering invI am sure after you have spen10 minutes looking at this mthat you will agree that a t-sthis kind only serves the puof the traffickers, pimps and

traders by dismissing their cas laughable. Im sure that wyour original intent. I woulencourage you to develop po

regarding the sale of material that dismiscondones the sexual exploitation of womechildren.

Chuck

Minnesota Mens Action Ne

Gender Violence Institute, Clearwater,

* Around 80,000 women and children havesold into Thailands sex industry since 1990most coming from Burma, Chinas Yunan proand Laos. Trafficked children were also fou

construction sites and in sweatshops. In almost 200,000 foreign children, mostly boyBurma, Laos, and Cambodia, were thoughtworking in Thailand.

F O F S:

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VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Alliance for Changing Men, 33 Gray St., Amhers01002. It is mailed to subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and is distributed at selecttions around the country and to conferences, universities, colleges and secondary schools, and anon-profit and non-governmental organizations. The opinions expressed in Voice Male are thosewriters and do not necessarily reflect the views of the advisors or staff of the magazine, or its spFamily Diversity Projects. Copyright 2010 Alliance for Changing Men/Voice Male magazine.

Subscriptions: 4 issues-$24. 8 issues-$40. For bulk orders, go to voicemalemagazine.org or callMale at413.687-8171.

Advertising: For advertising rates and deadlines, go to voicemalemagazine.org or call Voice Ma413.687-8171.

Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles, news items, reviews, story ideas and querieinformation about events of interest. Unsolicited manuscripts are welcomed but the editors cbe responsible for their loss or return. Manuscripts and queries may be sent via email to www.malemagazine.org or mailed to Editors: Voice Male, 33 Gray St., Amherst, MA 01002.

T T-S N J

VM N R M

Letters may be sent via email to ww

voicemalemagazine.org or mailed t

Editors: Voice Male, 33 Gray Stree

Amherst, MA 01002.

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Men@W

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A study in Scotland reveals thatyoung people have a high toleranceof violence and abuse if committed

within an interpersonal heterosexualrelationship. In an article inMen andMasculinities (Vol. 11, No. 3), Jus-tifications and Contradictions: Un-derstanding Young Peoples Viewsof Domestic Abuse, Melanie J. Mc-Carry drew on empirical data from aschool-based study conducted with77 young people in Glasgow thatexplored young peoples opinionsof abuse and violence in interper-sonal heterosexual relationships. Acentral finding is that there is pro-found contradiction in the views ofthe young people regarding what

is interpersonal violence and aboutwho is doing what to whom. Theyoung people in the study were am-bivalent about acknowledging thepredominance of men as perpetra-tors of interpersonal violence, andwhere they did acknowledge males

they constructed numerous justifi-cations to explain it. Beyond simplypresenting the findings, McCarrysarticle explores reasons why theyoung people both resisted accept-ing men as perpetrators of interper-sonal violence and tried to justify

their behavior. To learn more, go tohttp://jmm.sagepub.com/cgi/con-tent/abstract/11/3/325.

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A mens network in Minnesotais spearheading efforts to curb sexu-ally violent and degrading materialin public places with a current focuson hotel room porn.

The Minnesota Mens Ac-tion Network: Alliance to PreventSexual and Domestic Violence has

drafted the anti-porn in hotels initia-tive with the Minnesota Departmentof Healths Sexual Violence Preven-tion Program. The effort, accordingto Chuck Derry of the Gender Vio-lence Institute, where the Mens Ac-tion Network is located, is part of a

growing primary prevention plan tostem sexually violent and degradingmaterial becoming accessible andmainstreamed into our social envi-ronment.

The Clean Hotel Initiative en-courages business, public and pri-vate organizations, and municipali-ties to modify their meeting facilitypolicy to clarify that meetings andconferences only will be held infacilities that do not offer in-room

adult pay-per-view pornography.Additionally, Derry says, the recom-mendation calls for travel policies tobe amended to reimburse employ-ees lodging costs only when stay-ing at hotels that do not offer the in-room adult pay-per-view porn.

The Mens Action Netcreated several documentsassist others interested in ing policies at state and loof government, as well as vate businesses, organizatagencies.

To learn more go to httmenaspeacemakers.org/pmnman/hotels.

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Soy foods dont decreaterone levels. Gov. Arnoldzenegger can now join Barack Obama chowing dtofu-veggie stir fry.

A new study publisheAmerican Society for Rtive Medicine finds that sand soy isoflavone suphave no significant effect

reproductive hormone leveings recently published oFertility and Sterility, a puof the American Society foductive Medicine, demon

We live in a time of upheavaland transformation, in which people all over the world aredefining, questioning, andredefining their sense of iden-titynational, ethnic, racial,religious/spiritual, political, familial, sexual, and personal. .. The shift in thinking, feeling, and behavior experienced by agrowing number of men is one expression of this widespreadmetamorphosis. Men no longer need to feel confined by defini-tions of maleness that value domination and violence, nor needthey feel threatened by womens struggle for equality. We canembrace both non-violence and liberation as we define ourselvesin ways that allow our full development as human beings. We arecommitted to helping bring about a more just and peaceful worldby redefining masculinity to exclude violence and embrace trustand compassion.

From the vision statement of the

Mens Resource Center for Change

Like many non-profit social change organizations facingchallenging financial realities, the Mens Resource Center forChange (MRC), one of the oldest mens centers in the U.S., isre-envisioning its role. The MRC, which traces its origins back27 years, recently took steps to help ensure the organizationsfuture in the face of current economic uncertainties. Muchadmired, the MRC has twin aims: supporting men and chal-

lenging mens violence. Aits many pioneering effortssupport groups for men wrange of experiences, a ymen of color group, high seducation, and free group

women. (The center also launched a newsletter a quarter ceago that evolved into Voice Male magazine.)

According to board chair Mark Nickerson, an MRC fouthe organization sold its building in Amherst, Mass., closoffice in nearby Springfield, transferred oversight of MForward, its widely regarded batterers intervention progra large area social service agency (which retained all inteprogram staff), and replaced remaining paid positions with aof dedicated volunteers.

Our foresight and success in transferring [Moving Forwand selling the building, left us with funds that will remain egg for future MRC activities, Nickerson said, adding th

organization will continue with other aspects of its work.[four weekly] support groupscontinue to provide a valresource to many men in the community.

The organization relocated to new administrative officeNickerson said, has retained numerous talented and experiindividuals available for speaking or consultation opportunThe MRC was scheduled to begin a visioning process in2010.

To learn more, visit www.mrcforchange.org.

[continued o

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significant effect of soy protein or

soy isoflavone intake on circulating

levels of testosterone, sex hormone-

binding globulin or free testosterone

in men. Led by Jill M. Hamilton-

Reeves, Ph.D., R.D., of St. Cathe-

rines University in St. Paul, Minne-

sota, researchers assessed the effects

of soy protein and soy isoflavones onmeasurements of male reproductive

hormones.

As a high-quality source of

protein relatively low in saturated

fat, soy can be an important part of a

heart-healthy diet and may contribute

to a decreased risk of coronary heart

disease, according to reproductive

endocrinologist William R. Phipps,

MD, of the University of Rochester

Medical Center, a co-author of the

analysis. He noted that some men

have been reluctant to consume soy

foods due to concerns about estro-

gen-like effects of soy isoflavones,

often referred to as phytoestrogens.

But according to Phipps, It is im-

portant for the public to understand

that there is no clinical evidence to

support these ideas. After conducting

a comprehensive review of the exist-

ing literature, we found no indication

that soy significantly alters male sex

hormone levels.

To request a copy of the report,

write Diana Steeble at Diana.Stee-

[email protected].

V A

V

Voices Against Violence is a zine

publishing work from people of

color, indigenous folks, trans people,

and queer survivors of domestic

violence, sexual violence and sexual

assault. Topics include: healing fromtrauma, enabling healing, life after

trauma, self-help guides/resources,

self-healing, dancing as means to

healing, healing through narration,

forgiveness (do we need it?), and

collective trauma.

Voices Against Violence is a

community teaching tool, a jumping

off point for dialogue, creative outlet,

and conversations zine editors say

need to happen. A part of Caf

Revolucin (www.myspace.com/

caferevolucion), Voices Against

Violence accepts submissions inEnglish, Spanish, Tex-Mex, Spanglish

or any combination via email, sent to

[email protected]. (Transla-

tions are appreciated but arent

necessary.)

THANK YOU

Boysen Hodgson

H20 Marketing, website support.

Tony RominskePeace Development Fund,technical assistance.

Men@Work

V

z.

With a name like ours, VoiceMale receives a range of pressreleases, announcements andnews about men and masculin-ity. In the interest of transpar-ency, we wanted to share anedited version of a recent pressrelease we received.

The fastest-growing seg-ment of the spa industry is themale client and waxing is at thetop of the services men seek.Male body waxing is increas-ingly popular as awareness ofthe types of waxing servicesavailable for men grows. Thecavemen look is out, and menare looking for more ways to im-prove their look and boost theirconfidence.

Back in the late 80s menwere experimenting with eye-brow waxing, a far better ap-proach than tweezing one hair ata time. Then in the 90s athletesand models expanded into bodywaxing, getting hair removedfrom their legs, chest, back,arms and fingers; anywhere theirskin was exposed in a swimsuit.Realizing the benefits of wax-ing, the trends have evolvedinto a baring it all service, theBoyzilian.

Boyzilian waxing is the

male version of the BrazilianBikini Waxing service, but pro-vided for men that want to feelclean and confident all the time,says Susanna DiSotto, directorof Satin Smooth, a manufacturerof professional wax products.What follows are tips for thenovice client:

WHATIF I BECOMEAROUSED?

Its not uncommon for guysto become somewhat arousedat the beginning of a service.However, it is short lived as itbecomes clear with the first hair

removal that this is a procedure,rather than an encounter. Whilethe benefits will outweigh themild discomfort, the first hairs tocome out are usually enough tocalm down anything that mighthave come up in the beginning.

WHATBENEFITSWILLI RECEIVE?

Increased sensitivity, duced body odors, and mattention! Men also find their partners enjoy the clea

fresher look and the feel little Manscaping. Plus, tis a basic color effect, darkcedes and light brings forwThings simply look bigger wthey are well groomed!

DO I HAVETOHAVEEVERYTHTAKENOFF?

While some guys like atally clean look, many men ply like to have a cleanup shaping. More often than guys just want to clean the off the shaft of the penis andmove hair from the scrotum

anus and in between. Some tming of the hair above the pbone and theyre ready forworld. Its all negotiable, clean consultation should elnate any surprises.

ANYTHINGELSE I SHOULDKNOW?

Dont consume caffeinemediately before your appoment, as it can increase setivity. Wear loose clothing cotton boxer shorts. No t jeans or hot showers the da

the appointment. Also planwait a day before you sharenew do with your mate.

Editors Note: Have an itemthe No Comment section?Send to [email protected].

NO COMMENT

Bz Wx: M M

Shave it like Beckham?

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DearVoice Male Reader,

As our countrys 30,000 Afghanistan-bound soldiers pounding hearts amplify the drumbeat of war, moved to ask for your help. After President Obamas speech in December announcing the troop incI found myself thinking about all the stories in Voice Male that articulatea new definition of manhoo

Of course a magazine cant stop a war. But it can help reframe our ideas about peace and about men transforming ourselves from wmakers to peacemakers. And it can contribute to redefining masculinity for our sons, brothers, nephews, cousinsand for the boys

generations to come.

Because I so strongly believe in the message of possibilityof a new vision of manhoodthat Voice Male represents, I feel a specialurgency in asking for your support. In the nearly 15 years since I first started editing the magazine, weve published more than 1000 aall with an eye toward men rethinking masculinity. The good news is, even in these challenging times, more men are changing.

Voice Maleat Historic Conference of College MalesConsider:In November, Voice Male was at St. Johns University in Minnesota at the first national conference ofmen working for gendequality and challenging violence against women on college and university campuses. Interviewed for an article in Ms. Magazineonlisuggested the historic conference represents a sea change in feminist/profeminist collaboration. One of the old-timers among malenist allies, Rob Okun, editor ofVoice Male magazine said, Theres a new generation of men coming to these issues. And it was thrilmeeting with themnew gender justice activists, fired up and ready to go. It was heartening to see these students taking Voice Maleof their conference packets to read during the two-and-a-half-day gathering. (Indeed, this past yearVoice Male was similarly featured

conferences in New York and Washington, and was widely distributed to hundreds of delegates from 80 countries at an international mgender equality symposium in Rio de Janeiro.) In 2009thousands received the magazine, including many women and men represenkey agencies in the U.S and abroad inspired by our message advocating for a healthy expression of masculinityimproving mens headvocating for gay rights (including marriage rights), being engaged fathers and mentors, and preventing violence against women.

At the plenary session in Minnesota at which I spoke it was clear something historic was happening. While sexual violence and domabuse remain an international calamity, from the streets of our cities to remote parts of the Congo, young people deeply understandissuesVoice Male articulates are part ofnot distinct fromthe greater movement for social justice. Our voice is advancing our caand women, children, and men are the better for it. Still, we need your help.

New Members of National Advisory BoardIm delighted to share the news that there are three new members of the Voice Male national advisory board:

Activist-playwright Eve Ensler(author ofThe Vagina Monologues, andfounder of V-Day) Profeminist activist Charles Knight(who maintains the blogOther & Beyond Real Men) Writer-professorShira Tarrant(author ofMen & Feminism and editor ofMen Speak Out)

Shira and Charles have been involved in profeminist mens work for a long time and are committed leaders. Both spoke at the confeence in Minnesota. In launching V-Menthe mens auxiliary to V-Day Eve articulated her passion for women and men collaboraIn 2010, I anticipate strengthening Voice Males ties with V-Day and V-Men and expanding our distribution so more and more womemenand especially younger men and womenhave opportunities to read the magazine online and in their communities.

There really isnt another publication likeVoice Male. With so many social issues rooted in damaging expressions of old-style mascVoice Male is needed more than ever. Please support us by taking out or renewing your subscription. And, please consider making contribution so we can grow in 2010 and beyond.

With appreciation,

Rob OkunEditor

P.S. Please use the enclosed response form and envelope or go to www.voicemalemagazine.org.

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In late 2008, a different surge

emerged in the headlines. TheFBI released its statistics for

hate crimes in a good news bad

news report. Good news: overall,

hate crimes declined from the

previous year; bad news: there

was a 6 percent surge in inci-

dents against homosexualsthe

only category that increasedthe

majority of which targeted gay

men (59.2 percent versus 12.6

percent for gay women). What

was unclear was the reason; the

FBI was quick to say its report didnot assign causes for fluctuations.

Now, in the wake of the Matthew

Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention

Act recently becoming law, it

seems worth proposing one.

Most men will admit that

publicly demonstrating affec-

tion toward another maneven

platonic affectioncan incite

from fellow men the look. Often

enough, that look precedes threats

or much worse, as in the cases

of Jose Sucuzhanay (murderedfor walking arm-in-arm with his

biological brother), Lawrence

King (shot in the head for giving

an eighth-grade classmate a Valen-

tine card), or any of 2008s 1,460 hate crime victims.

So far, Ive been fortunate not to confront anything statistical,

but the looks and slurs that Ive received make me a guy who alter-

nates between showing affection for my male friends and someone

who worries about the implications. Whenever Ive experienced this

disapproval Ive resented those who generate it, which is why it was

interesting when I became the looker.

I was walking in Rome when for the third time that day I noticed

two men acting affectionately toward one another. I only realized myeyes had narrowed because, when I passed the third pair, arm-in-arm,

they returned my gaze with irritation. Taken aback by the expression

Id made and the one it elicited, I became more astonished by the

cause I knew I could assign to it. My problem wasnt prejudice. It

was envy.

From an early age, men in this country are trained to go without

love or loving gestures from fellow men. When that principle of

manhood becomes clear, our longing for such love does a paradoxical

thing: it both intensifies and

underground. Men cannotbut feel an increased des

fill this void; at the same

we rarely act on it becaus

seeming gay, such a desir

contradicts our modern defi

of masculinity.

Enter the danger o

men. These men pursue an

on male intimacy as thou

should be a given, even a

Should a man find hims

the presence of loving ge

from or between such menlikely to feel, as I did, a ps

split: regarding such overtu

tempting and incriminating

internal clash between a m

long-held desire and his

denial can turn a passing d

proval into problematic

and that envy into resent

even rage.

I didnt want to hurt th

ians; on the contrary, the

what I wanted: an open f

nity that was so unassaiappropriate its expression

blas. But no sooner had

that longing than it mutate

an instinctive hostility. Ho

absurd this reaction was, I also saw its logic.

As is often true of men, anger conceals our real feelings; i

case, my sorrow. The scorn Id felt for the Italians allowed m

ignore the disappointing ways I daily surrendered to the masc

tragedy of forgoing true male connection. Such a judgmen

excused me from being a braver man who would fight again

fate by risking my own gestures. Indeed, the knee-jerk allegia

had to what a real man was prevented me from actually bein

clarifying for me the real root of homophobia.The aversion to male lovewhether it remains intern

becomes criminalis not about prejudice. Prejudice is a pala

alibi that denies a darker truth. Homophobia is a common rea

to love between men because admitting such love is possible f

men to reevaluate the male contract. And that presents men

their own good news bad news situation.

Witnessing real male connectionbecoming aware of our lo

for itthreatens masculinity, not just because it brings up in me

A-G H C P M

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uneasiness in feeling gay, but more because it exposes masculinity

for the raw deal it is: an existential cheat that has defrauded men of a

full 50 percent of human connection. Unlike women, who create rich

ties within the sisterhood, this forfeiture has lodged

an unspoken complaint within our psyches, a primal

disenfranchisement that prevents our wholeness.

But while an unapologetic conviction by men that

male love is part of masculinity would free us from

an inherent and stunting bondage (good), it would

also sacrifice male privilege (a loss that, at first

glance, seems bad).For instance, would demanding love from our

fathers be worthwhile if it meant our account-

ability as fathers became more rigorous? If love

between men was more common than exceptional,

would we have to meet a standard of brotherhood that exceeded the

frat house and was honored beyond the battlefield? If this subcon-

scious grievance in maleness disappeared, would we have to get on

with the business of being fully present, intimate, and responsible to

the women in our midst? If male love was no longer taboo, would

we have no one to oppress to feel better about ourselves?

Indeed the reinvention of masculinity ends with what some might

see as a Pyrrhic victory the extinction of masculinitys excuses, its

low expectations. Because renegotiating the male contract will stripfrom us the straitjacket whose limitations we men may uncomfort-

ably but willingly wear.

This is the real reason men fight demonstrations of male love.

Or in the case of gay hate crimes, why we increasingly attack the

messengers of what is a new and coming masculinity. Those

out of masculinitys raw deal by no longer accepting privatio

those who abide by it still. Our closeted envy of gay men, rat

letting it transform us or masculinitys rules

makes pariahs out of the pioneers. We tu

example into a grave offense for the worst

to preserve a self-destructive privilege.

Is it any coincidence that in the blue

in Americawhere homosexuality is pre

more explicitthe FBI counted most of

crimes? Massachusetts (80) and Californversus Alabama (1) and Louisiana (2). In th

hate crimes against gays, perhaps it is not

of irrational hate at all, but of rational love t

just dont want in evidence. Because ev

explosive than a man confronting a perception of homos

and exercising his prejudice is the man who admits his crim

always been against himself, and he has become his own ja

I f male love

w as no longer

taboo , w ou ld w e

have no one t o

oppress to fee lbet t er about

ourselves?

Brendan Tapley is currently writing a m

on masculinity. His work has appea

the New YorkTimes andChicago Tr

among others. He lives in New HampA version of this column appeared in th

Area Reporter, www.ebar.com.

W 2


10/36

like being the good guy. I

really enjoy the appreciation and

approval I get from women when

I tell them that my chosen life s

work involves ending sexism. I love

the sense of connection I feel when

they see me as an ally, a confidant,

a guy who gets it, and I get to feel

like we share a very big secret: that

there are problems with the way our

societys gender rules are set. When I

volunteer at a local womens shelter,

or march in a protest for womens

rights, I like to know that my pres-

ence is appreciated. Lately, though,

Ive been troubled by this feeling,

especially because Ive noticed that

I sometimes get more appreciationthan the other people there, and the

only explanation I can come up with

is that I get unearned kudos because

Im a man.

Ive been talking with a lot

of men who do anti-sexist work,

sometimes in formal interviews

for academic research, sometimes

among friends. For me, and many

of these men, the reason we are

against sexism is, at least in part,

because of the harm weve seen

sexist oppression do to women. Theflip side of this is the unfair privi-

lege granted to men just for being

men. I worry that this unearned

male privilege is still present when

men are in anti-sexist spaces, doing

anti-sexist work. This can create

situations where, in the very spaces

devised to further the concerns of

women, men and their concerns take

precedence. To be fully honest and

complete in our work against sexism and

unfair male privilege, we have to be aware

of it within our movement as well, not justin the larger society.

T P E

To maintain awareness of this unearned

male privilege and excess appreciation of

men doing anti-sexist work, it helps to have a

name and some idea of how it happens. Ive

taken to calling it the pedestal effect. As

one interviewee said, its things like praise

for showing upI didnt necessarily do

anything, I think its justpeople are just so

pleased to see a man who actually takes an

interest, and I can see how thats comforting

or refreshing. But a lot of times its just the

fact that Ill put in the hours, and theres

other people who do as much as I do. . . it

just seems like I get more than my share for

doing my part.

Sometimes the pedestal e

is used to intentionally ensur

men know they are welcom

wanted in spaces where they a

minority, and so I dont want to

ungrateful. Like I said, I like kno

my presence is appreciated as

as the next person. I just wa

make sure that the women doin

same work as me are getting the

appreciation.

Men working against sexism

sadly, still rare. A friend wh

volunteered at a domestic vio

and sexual assault shelter

number of years put it succin

Most of these organizations

see many men come througeven bother caring. Sometime

this rarity brings special atten

leading to premature self-congr

tion, to paraphrase Michael Kim

Kimmel also encourages us, cor

in my opinion, to recognize

appreciate that men do take risk

make sacrifices in working to

gender justice. But this mean

those men who show up seem ex

ingly selfless, perhaps even i

ently special. Ive experi

this when someone introduceand says He gets it, or He

of the good guys. Whereas w

working against sexism are se

working in their own self-int

any effort men make for wom

rights is seen as selfless, and

more virtuous than the same eff

a woman (even if the person ju

is also a woman). This is one r

for the pedestal effect.

A second reason is simply that perv

male supremacy in the rest of society be

men so much that it carries over. Men to this work from a society that has tr

them from birth to believe in their

superiority, sometimes subtly and some

overtly. Although most men never reco

it as privilege, we are accustomed to

listened to, to people automatically assu

we are capable and competent, to bei

S O P M P

N M M. G GB T Pz

I

10 V M


11/36

control of social situations, etc. The effects

of this training dont dissipate automatically,

and there are very few opportunities for men

to make the sustained, in-depth effort neces-

sary for effective consciousness-raising (and

of course, male socialization discourages

exactly this sort of talking about emotions,

deep issues, and personal pain). So, what can

be done about it?

S O PA few years ago, when we both volun-

teered at the same shelter, a friendlets call

him Mikeand I were talking. I mentioned

that I always felt a little awkward and uncom-

fortable when the volunteer trainer thanked me

for comingI noticed that she didnt thank

anyone else nearly as much. Mike not only

confirmed my opinion, he told me that she put

him on the pedestal as well. Having been there

longer than me, Mike had developed a strategy

for dealing with inflated praise by saying: If

you need to [thank me], let my mother know.

Im sure shed appreciate it. I thought thiswas clever, because it redirects the focus of

appreciation and the conversation.

Since then, Ive noticed other strategies

some men use to reduce the effects of unfair

privilege and unequal praise. Some, like

Mike, pass along the appreciation to women

they see doing the same work as them but

getting less praisetheir mothers, mentors,

or other women in the room working along-

side them. Others make an explicit point of

frequently referencing and recognizing the

contributions women have made to the work

they do, and some of the particular womenwhose footsteps they are following. Perhaps

the most important thing is just being aware

of male privilege, and checking to make

sure it isnt contributing to the creation of a

pedestal under you.

Checking to make sure you arent being

unfairly privileged can be awkward. It may

even mean intentionally stepping back from

rewarding positions that bring recognition

if the position came to you due to male

privilege. I was recently asked to give a talk

for Womens Week at a distant university.

The organizers offered to cover my travel

expenses, something not out of the ordinary

in these situations. I accepted.

As the date approached I got more and

more uncomfortable, thinking about the

fact that I was invited out there to speak

because I am a man. What if some woman

hadnt been invited, so they could afford

to fly me out there? Or, worse yet, what if

women were invited but had to cover their

own expenses? It might not be intentional,

but the scarcity of male voices speaking on

the topic might make my presence seem more

valuable, thus garnering me special treatment

that I hadnt earned.

I spent the better part of an hour

composing a very polite and carefully worded

e-mail, asking whether that was the case and

informing them that if the budget was tight,

Id rather the money be spent on womenpresenters. I made clear that I greatly appre-

ciated their offer, and would gratefully accept

any funds they could make available, as long

as I could be assured that I wasnt getting

special treatment because of my gender. They

wrote back and let me know that that wasnt

the case, and that they would still very much

like to have me. I felt a lot better about going,

knowing that my presence was not taking

away from the women who are my allies.

Supporting and building alliances

between and with marginalized groups is

one of the most important things men cando. Simultaneously, though, we need to be

holding each other accountable. W

create spaces and find ways of su

coaching, guiding, and encourag

other in the tricky and emotionally de

task of working against our own pri

Mike did for me). We need to mak

are being good people, not just goo

A graduate student

at the University of

Southern California,

Tal Peretz has been

involved in mens

groups working to

end mens violence

against women for

seven years. After

volunteering at a

charter high school for underpriv

youth, working at an HIV/AIDS re

center, and doing counseling and adv

at a domestic violence/sexual assault s

he is focusing his energy on enhanci

efforts of men working to end sexism

W 20


12/36

What is loyalty, specifically the loyalty of a boy to his father? Thats the

question John Sheldon has been pondering for much of his adult life. The

singer-songwriter and guitar virtuoso, who toured with Van Morrison before

he was 20 and whose songs James Taylor has recorded, offers this meditation

on the complicated relationship he had with his late father and what filial

loyalty says about manhood.

In the United States of America, a young man is expected to be loyal tohis country. He is expected to defend the flag and all that it stands for.He is expected to honor all those who sacrificed for that very same flag,

and to make sacrifices himself, up to and including the ultimate onedyingin war.

But lets go back. Lets go back to look at the young man before he is oldenough to accept these responsibilities. Think of him as a boy of around 11,an age at which the United States (or any country for that matter) is still anabstraction. The boy doesnt live in a country yet. He lives in his school,his neighborhood, and most of all, in his family.

My father was a craftsman. He made furniture. At 11 I didnt know ifhis work was any good.

I only knew that other men visiting our house would often admire a piecehed made, sometimes telling me, Your father is a true craftsman.

It came as a shock, then, one night, to hear loud crashing coming from theliving room and to find my father standing over one of his masterworksthescattered remains of a coffee table he had just destroyed. He was mutteringangrily. I couldnt understand anything he was saying. When my mother

appeared, she stood in the doorway, arms folded. She didnt enter the room oreven speak. The coffee table, one of a pair Dad had made, lay in ruins on therug. To my 11year-old self, the more he ranted, the larger its splintered legsand broken top becameno longer a pile of wood my dad had painstakinglyshapedbut a dead body. My mother retreated from the doorway.

Broken. Something broken. What was it? The coffee table, yes, butsomething else. My family, maybe? I took the cue from my mothers silence,her folded arms; her stoicism. Something was broken, all rightit was myfather.

Are you listening to what Im trying to tell you? From the first time mydad bounced me, sang to me, held me down and tickled me until I thought

Id die laughing and grateful, from the first time I felt, in his physicalihe could be rough and tender at the same time, there was no one in thethat I could have ever loved more.

Ive heard so much talk about a childs relationship with his mothsuckling warmth and intimacy of it all. Not me. I was shaped by my fknobby and powerful hands. When he held me or bounced me or tickthose hands said in language plain as day,I am strong. I could kill you but I wont. And I could feel he wouldnt. I could feel it in his handscould anything or anyone have inspired the loyalty in me that my da

Yet at 11 years old I learn that my father is broken. Why? Does itwhy? His mother abused him. He cleaned up bloodand bodiesinWar II. He drinks too much. Whatever it is, its not as important as whanow. I dont have to clean up the living room. I know my mother will dEverything will be cleaned back to normaleverything but my knowthat I have a busted father. I cannot bear carrying this knowledge.

So heres where the loyalty kicks in, the loyalty that will determdirection of my life from that moment. Because, somewhere in thevisible outline of impending manhood, I know my jobto fix him.

But how? How could a boy possibly know how to reassemble a being? I didnt even have the skill to fix the coffee table. So, in somrecess of awareness, I hit on an answer. I will become broken myselyou seeand marvel atthe elegant logic of it all? IfIam the brokemy father will become whole again. I know this to be true. I will takon, this brokenness, embody it, bear it away from him, suck the poisof him and, at the same time, out of my family. It is my responsibilitythe son, I am the protector now.

How do I become broken? The answer comes in a flash: by doinDad did. Smash things. Id done this on a small scale before, smascouple of model airplanes when I messed up, but Id never done an

on this scale before.Over the next several years I started to smash my life. I became a

at school, got kicked out, went to another school where they couldnme out, then started cutting my arm with razors and broken glass, smsome furniture myself, and was placed on a mental ward as a teenagerI was, away from my friends, away from my room with the books andplanes, my backyard, and yes, my dad.

Ibecame the broken one.

Of course that was the opposite of what my dad wanted for mefixed nothing. I only set myself on a trajectory from which I am still

to return.

Working with old tools in a dim workshop

I try to repair what has been damaged

I did not want the job

But now that I have it, I will snap at you if you interrupt me.

I will reject any offer to helpThere is no one as qualified to do this work

Of gluing my broken father back together

To make you whole again

What wouldnt I do

To mend your soul again

What wouldnt I go through

Truth be told

No glue will hold a thing so vast

R W H

B F, L SB J S

F S

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Nothing that will last

The time is flying

Why cant I stop trying

To make you whole again

Oh, my father

The distance between us now

So much wider

I just dont know how

To cross the space

Return to the place

Where we can both feel strongIts been too long

Midnight has come

Ive just now begun

To try to make us whole again

I was 16 when I got out of the hospital. My new friends were all peoplewho had been or were still in the hospital. My father and I tiptoed aroundeach other, as if both of us knew the truth but couldnt acknowledge it.

I put my life back together around music, and my ability to play theelectric guitar. I got work that way, and some sense of self-esteem. But Icould never return to the regular society of school and preparation for aprescribed life. It felt as if it was all beyond me. I knew too much. I knewthe keepers of the keys were as insane as the inmates.

I took the fall for Dad because I loved him.

Tell me this loyalty for the father is not stronger than all the flags, allthe tomes about freedom and sacrifice. Tell me our leaders dont somehow,through propaganda and rhetoric, use this loyalty to our fathers to get us tosacrifice ourselves again and again, in the wars they have started? Somebody,somewhere prove to me that this is not so!

In this society few know what it means to be a man. We have few rituals

where a man can pass on a healthy manhood to his son. Sons are on their

own trying to interpret how to express love, or anger, grief or joy. What do

boys and men do? Follow in our fathers unsure footsteps? Tota

everything they stand for? What about ending it allthe ultimate

I know many times I thought if I killed myself then the poison I h

lowed would die with me. How wrong I was! I had friends who did

wells of pain and misery they left behind.

Most men are typecast as the fixers of things. Maybe thats no

How many of us have opened the hood of the car to try and

problem? Why wont we open the hood of our stalled livesthe f

relationship? Can someone please tell me what is more important

of wasting our time trying to figure out how to fix the caror the

or someone elses countrywhy dont we start with the broken

father and son?Is there any way we can look our fathers in the eye and say, I

Pop. Ill do anything for you, but I will not break myself for you.

die for you!

I am one of the lucky ones. I didnt die. I kept on playing the g

slowly, over time, carved out a ledge to stand on, maybe not in t

stream, but on the edge somewhere.

I survived the war at home with both arms, both legs, and with

largely intact. I had plenty of guilt about surviving, and the guilt c

to linger in the land of the broken. It was easier to live in the crack

of my father than to emerge into my own strengthprobably the

of my loyalty to him. I could not be stronger than him for fear that

break him more. It was only when he was ailing, dying of cancer, th

to discover the reserves of strength and re

had within me all along, qualities I felt as ahis knobby, powerful hands. I believe that, i

few years of my life, my fathers hands had t

something after all.

John Sheldon is a guitarist, composer, an

writer. He lives in Amherst Mass.

W 20


14/36

Despite a generation of feminist

activism which inspired changes in

countless laws and social practices,

in public life it is far from clear that womens

experiences and voices count as much as

mens. United States Supreme Court justiceRuth Bader Ginsburg recently provided an

inside look at how this works in the highest

provinces of power, when she questioned

her own influence at justices conferences:

I will say somethingand I dont think

Im a confused speakerand it isnt until

somebody else says it that everyone will

focus on the point.

Ginsburg was too politically cautiousor

politeto note that the somebody else to

whom she was referring was coded language

for a man, whose opinion is deemed more

valid by virtue of his sex. Mens expertiseand opinions are routinely valued more than

womens, here and around the world.

How ironic and revealing, then, that what

came to be known in mainstream accounts as

The Exchange between Secretary of State

Hillary Clinton and a young man at a public

event in Kinshasa during Clintons visit to the

Congo in the summer of 2009 overshadowed

the substance of her trip, which shone the

spotlight on the ongoing epidemic of sexual

violence. (Secretary Clinton, you may recall,

testily responded to the students question

seeking President Clintons opinion about

a political issue. It turned out the student had

misspoken, and had meant to ask about Presi-dent Obama. Secretary Clinton was evidently

irritated that once again, her own opinions

and experience were seemingly being over-

looked in favor of the sexist presumption that

a woman leader is merely the mouthpiece for

a more powerful man.)

Why was so much media coverage

devoted to that during her trip to Africa

when one of the secretarys goals was to use

the power of her voice to highlight African

womens lives? In particular, Clinton wanted

to draw public attention to the ongoing

tragedy of mass rapes of women, children

and men in the Congo. She was the first U.S.

secretary of state to travel to the war zone,

and she announced a $17 million plan to

fight sexual violence. Among other steps, the

American government would train doctors,

supply rape victims with cameras to docu-

ment their injuries, and train Congolese law

enforcement to crack down on rapists.

Corporate and independent med

cover this part of the story, although

nothing like the gusto with which

recounted Ms. Clintons short-tem

response to the African student.

American reporters in the ever-shriinternational press corps tried to conv

scope of the horrific suffering of wome

children in the Congo, as well as com

cate empathy with the emotional toll

appeared to be taking on Ms. Clint

was just overwhelmed by what I saw

said. It is almost impossible to descri

level of suffering. Several news acc

observed that Ms. Clinton seemed dr

by the emotional experience.

Unfortunately, however, the foc

news stories on the almost-unimagi

sexual violence in the Congo had antended effect. It pushed womens liv

center stage, which is appropriate, n

sary, and represents a big step forwa

the same time, it kept men out of the

lightat just the wrong time. Male le

often get too much credit, and our op

are unfairly more valued than women

when it comes to being held responsib

the negative consequences of our beh

M, M P, R C

I MB J Kz

14 V M


15/36

including the widespread incidence of rape

around the world, men are typically rendered

invisible in the journalistic conversation.

Mens role in rape is characteristically

hidden in mainstream journalism through a

variety of linguistic conventions. One of the

more significant of these is when writers and

speakers use the passive voiceconsciously

or notto talk about incidents of sexual

violence (e.g. 200,000 women have been

raped since the conflict began). In addi-tion, mens central responsibility for the rape

pandemic escapes critical examination when-

ever writers and speakers use gender-neutral

terminology to talk about perpetrators, who

are overwhelmingly men. ANew York Times

article on August 12 last year reporting on

Secretary Clintons trip provides a good case

study of these phenomena.

The article appeared beneath the fold

on page A8, in the International section. It

was headlined Clinton Presents Plan to

Fight Sexual Violence in Congo, by Jeffery

Gettleman. The passive voice began in thefirst paragraph: ...Secretary Clinton...met

a Congolese woman who had been gang-

rapedwhile she was eight months pregnant.

Passive sentence structures that hid male

perpetration appeared in subsequent para-

graphs: ...hundreds of thousands of women

have been rapedin the past decade. And

...countless women, and recently many

men, have been raped. Then, Hundreds of

villagershave been massacred and The aid

worker told Mrs. Clinton that an 8-year-old

boy who had strayed out of the camp was

rapedthe other day.This brief catalogue of passive sentences

is not an attempt to single out theNew York

Times reporter for criticism. He was merely a

vehicle for the transmission of the dominant

ideology, which routinely obfuscates mens

culpability for rape through both conscious

and unconscious omissions. Victims them-

selves often use passive voice. Gettleman

quoted one woman, Mrs. Mapendo, who

said, Our life is very bad. We get raped

when we go out and look for food. Another

woman said, Children are killed, women

are rapedand the world closes its eyes.In addition to the passive language, the

photo accompanying the story showed Secre-

tary Clinton in an outdoor meeting with a

throng of Congolese women. There was not a

mans face in sight. In fact, the only mention

of the word men in the entire 1029-word

article was in reference to men as victims of

rape. If it had not been for that (welcome)

acknowledgment of mens vulnerability and

victimization, a nave reader might have

inferred that there are no men in the Congo,

only women and children who are raped

and killed.

The New York Times article was also

suffused with gender-neutral language,

particularly language that could have identi-

fied the gender of the individuals and groups

responsible for sex crimes. For example:

Often the rapists are Congolese soldiers,or ...Congo...has become a magnet for

all the rogue groups in Africa. Secretary

Clinton was quoted as saying the world

needed to regulate the mineral trade to make

sure the profits do not end up in the hands

ofthose who fuel the violence.

But while the gender of the perpetrators is

obscured, the gender of the victims is stated

plainly. The following sentence provides

a clear illustration of this: ...an intensely

predatory conflict driven by a mix of ethnic,

commercial, nationalist, and criminal inter-

ests, in which various armed groups oftenvent their rage against women. This type of

language usage is ubiquitous in contempo-

rary journalism. When the perpetrators are

men, their gender is not mentioned (armed

groups). When the victims are women, their

gender is in full view.

The result is that discussions about sex

crimes, in the Congo and elsewhere, focus

on what is happening to women, and not

on who is doing itto them. In practice, this

has obvious repercussions for so-called

prevention efforts, which as a result of their

focus on women often amount to mereband-aid solutions. Of course rape victims

and survivors need better medical and coun-

seling services. But lets not mistake those

services for preventionwhich can only be

successful to the extent that men and boys

are a part of them.

The growing movement to engage men

and boys in sexual and domestic violence

prevention in the United States, sub-

Africa, and around the globea mo

Voice Male chroniclesfaces an

climb in societies where cultura

about masculinity both contribute

to the violence andprevent women

from speaking freely about mens r

bilities to end it.

This is not merely an academic

about linguistic practices. Linguistic

have practical consequences, espe

terms of what sorts of issues get di

and by whom, on main streets, in bac

and in the shadowy corridors of po

long as political leaders and policy m

in national and international contexts

on rape primarily as a womens issu

gies for addressing it will tend to em

services for victims and survivor

than accountability for perpetrators,

critical attention to how we socializ

Unfortunately, the failure of jo

and others to use active language to who is doing what to whom, as well

hesitation to use gender-specific lan

talk about men and boys as the perp

of sexual violence, make it next to

sible to hold male (and female)

accountable for addressing these p

forthrightly. As a result, the stru

bring a critical mass of men into th

change process necessary to achieve

cant reductions in gender-based v

continues. Womenalong with

number of male alliescontinue to

the victims, care for the survivors, aup the broken pieces in the lives

traumatized children. And across th

we lurch endlessly from one prev

tragedy to the next.

Discussions about sexcrimes, in the Congoand elsewhere, focus

onwhat is happening towomen, and not on whois doing itto them: men.

V o i c e M a l e

c o n t r i b u t i n g

editor Jackson

Katz is author

of The Macho

P a r a d o x a n d

writer-producer,

with the Media

Education Foun-

dation, of Tough

Guise: Violence, Media and the

in Masculinity (www.jacksonkatz

A version of this article appea

The Huffington Post.

W 20


16/36

Leonard was yelling at his wife, Damn it, Mary, when are you

going to give me any respect? I work all day long and come

home to a messy house and dinner isnt even started. What do

you do all day?!

Mary was clearly intimidated. She was sitting wordlessly on the

couch while he stood threateningly above her, clenching his fists as

if he would hit her. She was hugging herself in a desperate attempt

at self-protection, while the tears gave away her fear and pain.

No question here. This is obviously abusive and unhealthy

anger. How about this next example:

Tammie in a loud voice, Im so pissed off at you, Phil. You didit again. You said youd be home at six, and its now seven. You

dont care shit about me.

Im really sorry, Tammie. The traffic was bad and I wanted...

Im not done, Phil. Its only been one week since the last time

you were late. I dont trust your word anymore. You say youre

going to do something, and then you dont. Dont I matter to you?

Of course you matter, I tried to call but only got your voice

mail.

Always with the excuses. Im tired of your excuses. You

mean anything you say. Im done with this marriage!

Is Tammies anger healthy or unhealthy? While defi

healthier than Leonards, it is still not healthy.

How about this example. Lana and Cade went through the

scenario and heres how they dealt with it:Cade, I feel hurt and angry. You said youd be home at si

its now seven. I felt scared that something might have hap

to you.

Im really sorry, Lana. The traffic was bad, but thats no e

I shouldve called you.

Im just feeling disrespected, hurt and angry.

Lana is being healthy with her anger. Why? Because sh

made no blanket accusations like Tammies You dont car

about me. I dont trust your word anymore. You dont mean any

you say. She allowed Cade to speak without cutting him of

didnt make threats like Tammies Im done with this marr

Instead, she kept to I statements, letting Cade know how sh

rather than making him wrong or shaming him.Expressing anger is rarely enjoyable to your partner,

can still be healthy and safe. I remember going through a ph

our early relationship where I felt expressing anger was defi

not healthy or safe. Joyce would express her anger and I w

repress my anger, and even put her down for getting angry. Be

that didnt work for her, her anger would then escalate to the

higher level. This would feel intolerable to me, and I would

regardless of where we were. Definitely not healthy on my pa

One day, we were outside the house, and Joyce was expre

anger at me. I couldnt hold it in any longer. I yelled at her in

First there was a look of shock on her face, then gradually a

appeared and she reached out and hugged me. She was ac

thanking me for my anger.I have stopped holding in my anger. Sometimes I go to the

extreme and let it out too loudly. At those times I imagine

wishes I would go back to the way I was. But she assures m

would rather have me yell too loudly than not at all.

Ideally, most anger can be headed off by addressing the fe

underneath, which are usually hurt or fear. When these d

feelings are expressed and acknowledged, there often is no ne

anger. For example, it is unavoidable for Joyce and me to some

say or do something that triggers hurt feelings in the other. U

this is completely unintentional. Our goal is to say somethin

I know you didnt mean to hurt me by saying/doing _____

it did hurt me. I have to admit, Joyce is better at it than

When she makes that statement, it helps me in two ways. Facknowledges that I didnt mean to hurt her. This is very imp

to me, often preventing me from going to an old tape, Im

boy, or I cant ever do it right. Second, it allows me room t

her hurt and immediately apologize, which can bring us ba

love very quickly.

When the hurt or fear is not felt and expressed, anger is th

level. Just to be very clear, here are some guidelines for the h

expression of anger:

I I A I I AB J B V

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After the anger is expressed in a healthy way, then its

both of you to address the hurt or fear underneath the anger.

for each of you to take responsibility for your deeper feeli

apologize for hurting the other. Cades apology to Lana allo

to quickly let go of her anger. Lanas acknowledging her h

fear made it easier for Cade to apologize.

Address the hurt or fear beneath the anger and there wil

be no need to express anger. Prevention is always more ef

But if the hurt, or fear, remain elusive you have a consciou

to express your anger in a healthy way. Follow the above gu

and you can have an abuse-free exchange.

When Joyce and I are angry with each other, we stay co

and work it through to the very end. We know we are don

we can sincerely hug and kiss one another and even laug

behavior. Because of this the flame of our love and commi

one another has been allowed to burn brightly.

Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical docto

since 1964 whosemedicine is now love, are the authors

Shared Heart, Models of Love, Risk to Be Healed, The

Wisdom, and Meant to Be. They

personal mentorship/coaching

including a January 31February 7retreat, Couples in Paradise, in Haw

a Summer Renewal retreat July 18

Breitenbush Hot Springs in Oregon. F

free monthly e-heartletter, updated s

and other information, visit their

www.sharedheart.org.

1. I statements are rarely abusive. I am angry,rather than You did _____, orWhy did you do ____.

2. Healthy anger is not intimidating or controlling.Even I statements can be abusive if you are scaringthe person you are addressing. If you are physicallyor emotionally dominating this person, you are being

abusive. This includes not letting heror himspeakor respond, and of course touching him or her ininappropriate or aggressive ways.

3. Healthy anger stays in the present, rather thanbringing up unrelated things from the past to fortifyyour argument. You came home an hour latewithout calling, yesterday you forgot to bring out thegarbage, and the day before you left your dirty disheson the table. Not healthy.

4. Healthy anger does not generalize. Youre always

breaking your commitments.

5. Healthy anger does not make threats of any kind.Break one more commitment and Im out of here!

6. Name calling or swearing is unhealthy.

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Men are notorious for havingtrouble sharing with others ourdeeper selves, our emotional

lives. If we have trouble opening up to friends and loved ones, imagine whatcourage it might take to reveal personalstories onstage in our own communities.

Mens resistance to sharing ourtruthsand possibly finding cause forcelebration in telling themdidnt stop

Josie Lehrer from inviting men to open

up. She conceived and launched theMens Story Project, a powerful theaterwork in which a diverse group of menshare dramatic pieces they have createdabout their livestheir sexuality, genderidentity, romantic relationships, friend-ship, family, mentors, rites of passage,

HIV/AIDS, perpetration of and healing

from violence, immigration, personaltransformations, and the men they wishto beall focused on examining mascu-linities and mens roles.

The first performance was stagedin August 2008 in Berkeley, California,before a standing-room-only house and

featured monologues from 16 presentersfrom 22 to 60. Performances are multi-media, including slam poetry, mono-logues, prose, music and dance, and

are followed by facilitated audience-presenter discussion. A public health researcher, commu-

nity educator/organizer and musician,Lehrer has emerged as a strong ally toprofeminist, antiviolence mens organiza-tions, crisscrossing the country and trav-eling overseas to promote her new vision

of manhood. Shes shared thStory Project at conferences in

Minnesota, Washington, D.C., de Janeiro. Her mission is far-rto support healthy masculinigender equality, and to help egender-based violence, homoand other oppressions intertwimasculinities, through ongoing mens public story-sharing and nity dialogue.

Voice Male advisory board Charles Knight, who recentlviewed Lehrer in Berkeley, says

I first got introduced to the MeProject from its YouTube site (http

youtube.com/ user/mensstory I immediately sensed the poweproject and sought out Dr. Lehrer

T M S Pj

M L, M TI C K

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view her forVoice Male.What followsa r e h i g h -lights fromour wide-r a n g i n gc o n v e r s a -tion.

Voice Male:Somany people

have learned

about womens

lives through

The Vagina Monologues. It was intriguing

to learn there is something happening in a

dramatic format about mens lives. What is the

Mens Story Project all about?

Josie Lehrer: In each performanceand there

have been four to datelocal men, including

artists, activists, and men whove never been

on a public stage, share stories about their ownlives with a public audience. The pieces focus

on breaking silences, talking about things that

men dont often speak about publicly, chal-

lenging stereotypical ideas about manhood,

and presenting a more expansive and peaceful

vision of what contemporary masculinities

can be about. Its really about celebrating and

challenging, and taking a critical observer

stancecelebrating some of the diversity

of ways in which men can live as genuinely

expressed, peaceful human beings in the

world, and highlighting the costs of traditional

gender role expectations for the lives of menand the people of all genders around them. The

emphasis is on mens humanness.

VM: How did you come to create the MensStory Project?

JL: It feels like a direct outgrowth of much of

my work and personal experience up to now,

and it reflects many of my valuesso there

hasnt been much distinction for me between

the personal and the professional. I have

a background in public health, community

organizing, and the arts. I write music. A lotof my work has focused on prevention of and

response to gender-based violence and HIV/

AIDS. For the past several years Ive been co-

facilitating a weekly support group for young

people living with HIV/AIDS. It is some of

the work that has taught me the most in my

life. On a more personal level, pretty much

every dear friend of mine has had some expe-

rience with sexual assault or partner violence

or family violence, and these issues have also

affected beloved people in my family.From a public health perspective, I want

to address root causes of social problemslike the nonrandom distribution of HIV andgender-based violence in societiesanddominant-culture prescriptions for manhoodand gender relations, including structural

gender inequality. Theyre a big part of thatroot-cause structure.

In the U.S., there are few ongoing, main-

stream, public forums where masculinities are

critically discussed for the purpose of social

change, so I created the Mens Story Project

as a replicable, locally based initiative to try

to address some of that gap. And I see it as a

counterpoint to the more limited and often

oppressive messages of the mainstream media

and other social forces.

VM: Can you talk about how you see mensexperience of masculinity as it relates toviolence and to issues of health?

JL: Its such a huge subject. I find it deeplycompelling that a vast proportion of humansuffering in the world today is preventable andunnecessary a lot of it is related to domi-nant-culture training regarding masculinitiesand gender relations, and ways we choose totreat each other at the interpersonal and insti-tutional levels based on these ideas.

In varying cultural contexts, traditional

male role ideas are often intertwined with

sexism, homophobia, racism, classism, ableism

and other forms of oppression. And research isincreasingly showing that belief in traditional

notions of masculinity is linked with signifi-

cant risks for the health and well-being of men

and the people of all genders around them.

These include greater likelihood of HIV/STI

risk behaviors such as not using condoms

and having multiple partners (because men

are supposed to want sex all the time, with

as many women as possible); mens violence

against women; physical violence between

men; substance abuse; drunk driving; mens

low rates of utilizing health carebecause

theyre supposed to be tough and self-suffi-cient, among other problems.

Also, when stereotypical masculinity

is defined in its opposition to a less-valued

stereotypical femininity, and when being

gay is equivalent to being effeminate or

like a girl, it contributes to homophobia and

transphobia, which in turn contribute to prob-

Dr. Josie Lehrer

Scenes fromthe 2008

Mens StoryProject

performances

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lems like higher rates of depression, suicide,

substance abuse and school dropout in LGBT

youth, and the perpetrating of LGBT hate

crimes. And men and boys get sucked into

these social pressuresfeeling pressured to

fight, posture, show their virility, suppress

their emotions, not express their sexuality or

gender identity, set aside parts of their unique

humanness, and try to fit into these boxes

which, ironically, almost no one naturally

fits into.

VM: How has the audience responded tothe project?

JL: Its been overwhelmingly positive

standing ovations each time. We handout feedback forms at each event, and thecomments have often included words liketransformative, inspiring, This needsto keep happening, and so on. Many menhave said they found the presentations to besurprisingly real, and that it was affirmingto see some of their own experiences reflectedin other mens stories onstage. Many womenhave said that the performance humanizedmen for them, that it helped them understandsome of the challenges men may face intrying to live self-expressed, peaceful, whole

human lives. Several people have said theproject gives them hopethat theyve beenlooking or hoping for something like this fora long time.

VM: Theres obviously a lot going onbeyond the sheer drama and force of themens stories. What are some of the teach-able moments youre hoping to see emergefrom the performances?

JL: Part of my premise is the personal isoften the best way to get to the universal.

So we share personal, visceral experiences,because thats what gets to the heart. Audi-ence members have the space to come upwith their own conclusions. For examplesome performances have highlighted the factthat homophobia isnt just a gay peoplesproblem. Its a straight peoples problemtoo. It deeply limits ways in which hetero-sexual men relate to others. One of theparticipants, a 60-year-old writer, talkedabout how he had never shared any of hispoems with his parents for 30 years of his lifebecause they would have assumed that if hewas writing poetry, he must be gay (and that

would be terrible). So he hid a beautiful partof himself from his parents for decades.

With regard to modeling, we also explic-itly say that the presenters arent purportingto be fully enlightened human works. Inthe introduction, we acknowledge the bold-ness and integrity in their willingness to stepforward, knowing full well that were allworks in progress. Part of the modeling hereis that were celebrating men who are willingto engage in critical self-reflection and socialexamination.

I think its a powerful modeling of soli-

darity for a diverse group of men to worktogether, be onstage together, emotionallysupporting each other and literally standingside by side in the sharing of personal expe-rience. We also believe in locally createdpresentations. Theres power when presentersand audience members mutually belong to alocally or culturally defined community.That invites relevance, accountability, andpersonal identification.

VM: What are your hopes for the futthe Mens Story Project?

JL: Its intended to be locally replicatehope itll spread far and wideon camwith nonprofits, and other groups. It cintegrated with broader campus initiatipublic health programs working withWe have a training manual available,do a training workshop and consult o

projects. We also have a DVD of the firperformance that can be used as an etional tool. It has 16 pieces as standchapters, so teachers can choose disctopics. Im excited that a new project isway in Chile, and Ill be collaboratingthe Sonke Gender Justice Network in Africa to develop and evaluate a projecyoung men who are opinion leaders incommunity. For the near future, I envisonline Mens Story Project Network, groups around the world can post filtheir productions, share experiencebring visibility to this initiative as a

linked, emerging efforts.Ultimately, I think a lot of the pro

power will be in its being repeated in acommunity over time. For examplnonprofit or university starts creating yevents, such as with TheVagina Monolor Take Back the Night. Because tbecomes a mainstream part of commlifeit would be known that everperiod of time, a group of men puts togan amazing, unusually honest presentand these dialogues happen. It becomeof the norm that these dialogues happethere emerges an ongoing counterpo

other mainstream forces.

For more information about the Mens

Project and how to produce a perform

in your community go to www.menssto

ject.org. Josie Lehrer, ScD, is a postdo

research fellow at the University of

fornia at San Francisco Center for

Prevention Studies, a community e

tion consultant with San Francisco W

Against Rape, and volunteer group

tator at Bay Area Young Positives.

Voice Male advi-

sory board member

Charles Knight is

editor of a blog

ca l l ed OBRM

other & beyond real

men. Visit it at http://

otherbeyondrealmen.blogspot.com.

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Whats happening with men and masculinity?

Thats the question V M tries to answer each issue as it chronicles manhood in transition.

The changes men have undergone the past 30 years, our efforts following women in challenging

mens violence, and our ongoing exploration of our interior lives, are central to our vision.

The magazines roots are deep in the male positive, profeminist, anti-violence mens movement.We draw inspiration from the world-changing acts of social transformation women have long advanced

and the growing legion of men agitating and advocating for a new expression of masculinity.

At this key moment in the national conversation about men, V M has much to contribute. J !

4 issues-$24 8 issues-$40

I celebrate you for standing with wom

in the struggle to end violence aga

women and girls. Your brave maga

is bringing forward the new vi

and voices of manhood which

inevitably shift this parad

and create a world whwe are all safe and f

Bless you fo

Eve Enaward-winning playw

(The Vagina Monolog

Voice Male gives us fuel and fresh ideas

for the work of ending male-dominated

societies and supporting new roles for men

and new relations between

the sexes.

Michael Kaufman,co-founder, White Ribbon

Campaign

To subscribeor to make a tax-deductible giftplease use the enclosed envelope or go to:

z.

22 V M


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Eight years ago I gave birth to my first son. Amidst the euphoria

of giving birth to a perfectly beautiful little human being, I

became growingly aware that his gender was a very big deal

for me. As we entered the various social arenas as parent and child

it became apparent that his gender was a very big deal for everyone

else as well. It was his gender that others engaged with first. Thus

I came face to face with preconceived ideas about the differences

between male and female and the innate characteristics that each

gender supposedly comprised. As a feminist, I was familiar with

the dangers of this line of thinking; as a mother of a son, I suddenly

became very fearful.

As I witnessed constant entreaties to accept the truth about

masculinity in our interactions with the social world, I began to

understand why my sons gender was becoming problematic for

me. I did not want others to define him according to preconceived

notions of what a boy is, does, thinks, or will be like. I wanted them

to see my son for who he was as a little person unfolding in the world,

responding to stimulus, urged on by curiosity, and holding none of

those considered hegemonic masculinity traits that I felt would set

him up as so very separate and different from me.

I baulked at the possibility of his development into adulthood

being so sharply defined by parameters that construct masculinity; a

masculinity that is the antithesis of feminist ideals and that I believe

is so socially destructive.

I began to become increasingly concerned by concepts such as

hes such a boy or its a boy thing, and horrifically, boys will

be boys. First, this distressed me because even though he may have

male genitals I refuse to accept that he must fit into such a narrow

and yet nondescript set of behaviors, thoughts, emotions. What does

a boy thing and such a boy mean? I heard myself ask time and

time again. Other peoples responses were not satisfying and I would

leave the situation concerned that I had come across as aggressive,

or worse, that people were left thinking that I was deluding myself,

in denial, not ready to accept my sons constructed destiny.

Second, these concepts concerned and angered me beca

can be used to excuse behavior (the childs) or inaction (the p

and support resignation rather than responsibility for p

(mens/boys) problematic actions.

Third, I felt increasingly lonely and isolated. I had been re

a lot about ways of engaging with my son that privileged h

as a child, a human being, rather than as a boy. I felt stron

this was a way to open up for him choices about who he w

be. Yet at the same time I was finding I had to increasingly e

overt acts of resistance to gendered and, as a consequence, be

impositions foisted on my son.

I was struggling to find ways to name thoughts and obser

I was trying to grasp the meaning of what I was experiencing

I didnt have the language or concepts to help me make sen

experiences. In my sense of isolation and feelings of margin

I did what I had done many times in the past, I sought out

thinkers, writers, and friends. I was looking for affirmat

strategies that would help me to take a stand against g

constructs that feminists have railed against for years.

Feminism has helped affirm for me that constructs

femininity, that is, ideas about how women are, what they

be, what they feel, and what they need were too often defi

described by men and the social institutions that they held

over. It was a source of comfort and inspiration to immerse

in a movement, an ideology, a way of life that gave me wo

living examples of how women were so much more than by

to social/historical machinations. Feminist analysis of societ

me to make sense of the world in which women lived. Fe

gave me insight into how women could be living as wom

postpatriarchal society. Feminism claimed more for wom

patriarchy had allowed.

As a young feminist, I relished the ideas of strength, con

and passion that my feminist cohort urged and celebrated. W

in the area of violence against women further allowed me to i

A FM

R S

B S E

C

reatista

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myself in women-centered practice and theory. Working alongside

women and for women gave me a sense of solida

Documents

Voice Male Winter 10