Ways Kids Listen

7/27/2019 Ways Kids Listen

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3

FoolproofWaysto getYour Childto

Listento You

A Parenting Guidefromwww.ParentingWithSuccess.com

By Erin Brown Conroy, M.A.


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3 Foolproof Ways to Get YourChild to Listen to YouBy Erin Brown Conroy, M.A.As parents, we want to connect with our children. We want our sons and

daughters to understand our thoughts, ideas, and wishes. And we want ourchildren to listen yes, truly listen to us. Why is this connection so important tous?

As we pour out our love to our children and give all we have to give, ourbasic, bottom-line desire is to guide them safely through life to their own personalsuccess. We also want to enjoy our life with our child. Lets face it, when our childdoesnt connect with us, and our wishes dont get through, its frustrating! Whenour child doesnt listen, and we have to repeat ourselves over and over, life isanything but happy!

Well, here are three foolproofways to get your child to listen to you. And Ido mean foolproof. If you consistently use these three methods of connectionwith your child, I absolutely guarantee that they will listen to you more. Youll beable to connect, to understand each other, and move forward in the samedirection: together.

Each of the following three ways to connect with your child are Secretsfrom the book 20 Secrets to Success with Your Child, which can be found atthe website www.ParentingWithSuccess.com, created especially for parents

who want practical resources with true power to positively transform their familyexperience. Parenting can be full of joy and success! And here are three waysyou can begin to make it happen.


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The First Secret: Name, Eyes, and thenTalk

Always begin communicating with your child by following the same three

steps: Say your childs name, make eye contact with them, and then talk.

Thats it. We musthave our childs attention in order to connect with his orher mind. The first step thats absolutely necessary to connection isntcomplicated; we just need to begin to get into the habit of following the samethree steps each and every time.

Say your childs name. Wait for your childs full, sustained eye contact.If eye contact doesnt happen, then go to your child. Gently and with love, takehis or her face in your hands, say your childs name again, and place yourselfdirectly in your childs line of vision. If your child looks away from your eyes,simply say, Please look at my eyes. When your childs eyes meet yours,sincerely give your child a smile and positive facial expression. Then talk.

Note:Its vital that you maintain eye contact. If the child breaks awayfrom your eye contact, stop what youre saying. Gently get that eye contactflowing back and forth between the two of you again, and continue to say whatyou have to say onlywhen your sons or daughters eye contact is steady.

Especially for a younger child, gently touching your childs face can bevery helpful in getting him or her to connect with your words. If done correctly,touching the face can be a natural, non-threatening way to emphasize words that

are important to be heard. Some children might be sensitive to touch or mayeven shrink away from your touch. If you want to smooth out a childs over-sensitivity to physical contact, you can create a more positive response bypracticing gentle caresses of your childs face while saying positive words at thesame time. If you gently touch your childs face while speaking to his or her as aninfant, the movement will be casual yet meaningful from the very beginning ofyour lives together. Gentle touches can create that added help in conveyingsomething of importance.


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When a child gets beyond elementary school age, its often culturally notcool to sustain eye contact, especially with an adult. My oldest daughter had aposter on the wall of her room for many years that said in bold, white letters,What is popular is not always right. Eye contact is a very right and good thing whether a child is two, twelve, or going on twenty! Hold your older kids to the

standard too. If your older child doesnt respond when you call his or her name,saying the phrase please look at me usually gets their eyes up. If it doesnt,calmly walk up to your older son or daughter and put yourself in their line ofvision. If your son or daughter knows anything about eye contact, that simplemotion will usually get the point across. Dont accept anything less than straight-on eye contact. The benefits are well worth it.

Using Name, Eyes, and then Talk teaches your son or daughter torespond right away in a listening mode with his or her eyes. Think about it: Theeyes and eye contact is a vital part of clear communication within our society andin many places throughout the world. Eye contact conveys a number of greatthings to the person who is speaking, including interest, attentiveness, respect,

and trust. Not only that, teachers, job recruiters, bosses, and, yes, husbands andwives will tell you that eye contact is essentialfor success in school, job, andadult interaction in general. Teaching our children the valuable skill of eyecontact is not a luxury; its a necessity.

If you want your child to listen to you and truly hearwhat youre saying,then consistently use Name, Eyes, and then Talk. All communication andconnection begins with focusing our eyes and attention.

The Second Secret: Say It Once and Go


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Say it once and Go has to do with making requests and giving directionsto a child, having the child listen to and understand you and, at the end, actonwhat was said. Again, the secret to making this happen is simple: When asking achild to do something, say it once. If your child doesnt respond, then go to the

child. Ask only once. Then quietly, gently, and with love, move the child into thedesired activity. Say it once and go. Go beyond words to action.

The simple secret to teaching your child to respond lies within you. It allhas to do with what you do right after you speak to your child. If you want yourchild to respond to what you say, you must say your request once, and then go.Every time. It takes an ability to put yourself and your desires aside to followthrough immediately with goingto your child.

First, state the request. Be clear and straightforward when stating whataction youd like the child to take:

Alberto, please sit down with us at the table now.

Sabrina, please bring me the book.

Annie, please keep the blocks on the floor dont throw them at your brother.

It would be nice if we could stop right there with a son or daughter sweetlyand obediently doing what weve asked them to do. After all, our requests arentreally that hard to follow, right? It would seem that way to us, but were dealingwith the young mind. And the young mind has an inner sibling called Will (betterknown as self-will) that wont keep his hands to himself.

Say it Once and Go. GO!

But Im working with Peter right now! GO! Peter can wait.

But Im up to my elbows in doing the dishes right now! GO! The dishescan wait. Connecting with your child and helping him or her learn to respond rightaway (and positively!) is more important than washing the dishes or stacking thedishwasher.

But I have Tatiana on my lap! GO! Put Tatiana down. Or Tatiana can gowith you.


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But Im talking on an important telephone call right now! GO! Nine timesout of ten, we can ask the caller to hold for a moment. Better yet, call them backin a few minutes. There isnt a need to tell the caller whats happening, and theperson on the other end of the line willprobablybe able to wait that moment thatyou need. You are attending to important family business.

GO! It may not be convenient. Itprobablywont be convenient. But Iguarantee you, if you get in the habit of just going, your child willlearn to respondright away. Hell quickly learn that if he doesnt respond when asked, hell have todeal with mom or dads action toward him. Shell know that if she doesnt listen,shell end up doing whatever mom asks anyway, by being put there. Nicely,matter-of-factly, and without anger.

Not responding in anger is extremely important. I just cant say thisenough. Anger will make the whole thing backfire. In order to have this secretwork for you, you absolutely mustrespond matter-of-factly to your childs lack ofresponse or refusal to your request. Move promptly and pleasantly or at leastunemotionally toward your child. Dont give yourself the time or reason to getangry. Just act on the childs first response.

One reason this secret works so well is that children generally like to goand do by themselves. Children dont necessarily like being moved. The outcomeis that the child WILL respond faster, in time. Say it once and Go! Beconsistent. The results will be shown in a son or daughter that responds well,with less emotional and physical effort on your part. Our children can learn torespond right away. But we have to get off our backsides and move positivelytoward our children first. When they know we move, they move.

The Third Secret:


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Clearly Define Expectationsand Consequences

If we want to connect with our childs mind, our signals have to be clear.

Right from the start, we need a clear connection with our words. And we need tokeep that connection strong. It cant fizzle or fade. Heres how to do just that.

Clearly state what youd like your child to do. Then clearly let your childknow what will happen both if he or she does anddoesnt do what youveasked. No static or fuzzy talk is allowed if you want to successfully connect withyour childs mind.

Lets start with our words. Its important for us to speak clearly and simplyto our children. Were often much too wordy with our children. Tuning us out, allthe child hears is blah, blah, blah, blah. Especially with young children, we needto send a clean and strong signal. Simply state what we want in two or threewords.

Please walk.

Please pick up the books.

Please use kind words.

Sometimes we can stop right there. Your child may not need any otherinformation or incentive to do what you ask of them. But children often respondmore decidedly when they understand the consequences of their behavior. If thechildren in your life are like mine, a few more words with incentive orconsequence may need to follow to give more oomph to the request. Call itencouragement. Call it motivation. I call it helping to connect with your childs

mind. Stating a clear result or outcome keeps a parents expectations clearlydefined.

Obviously, the older the child the more words you can use. A two-year-oldunderstands us clearly when told, Brad, walking feet! Usually a four-year-oldcan comprehend and interpret the meaning of a few more words withconsequences. Each child is different, and you know your child best. But,generally, the fewer the words the better!


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There are both positive and negative consequences to every behavior.

For a two-year-old, requests could be:

Walk please. Lets be safe. Running inside means time-out. Pleasewalk.

Books up, please. Then we read a story. Books down, then no story.OK. Lets put books up now.

Please use kind words. Use kind words, then you play. No kind words,then we dont play.

A four- to six-year-old may have the same requests put in these words,stated briefly and pleasantly, as in stating a basic fact:

Please walk inside. If you walk inside, everyone will be safe. If you runinside, others may get hurt, and you will sit in a time-out to help youremember to walk inside.

Please pick up the books. If you pick up the books, well have time toread a story together. If you dont pick up the books, I wont have the timeto read you the story before we go.

Please use kind words. If you use kind words, your friends will like to benear you, and you can continue to play with them. If you dont use kindwords, youll have to stand near me for a minute while the others playtogether. When you agree with me to use kind words, Ill allow you to jointhe others again.

Sometimes we forget that our older children and young adults continue toneed clear communication with respect to whats asked of them. Even up into

adulthood, clearly defined expectations and consequences are necessary.Using just a few words, here are some examples of clear, concise

communication with a young adult child:

Please clean your room now.

Please pick up the back yard.

Please turn off the Nintendo.

Notice I didnt say:

Clean up your room now! Your room is always so messy! Didnt Iask you to clean up your room yesterday? I dont understand why youdont listen to me. You will stay in this room until its absolutelyspotless!

Didnt you pick up the backyard yet? You left those things outyesterday, and I told you to put them away when you were finishedwith them. I wish youd learn to do what I ask. Get out there and dowhat Ive asked of you, or you wont be able to watch TV for a month!


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Are you playing Nintendo AGAIN? You spend way too many hoursin front of Nintendo. You know, that thing has made you late so manytimes, and now its going to make me late too. Youd better turn thatthing off right away, or Ill sell it in a garage sale!

As opposed to these wordy threats of punishment, tell your child what the

consequences will be of his or her behavior. As a calm lake reflects the imagesand colors of the trees and sky that it meets, let your words calmly reflect thehonest outcome of reality. Describe for your son or daughter what will happen ina way that taps into their inner motivations. Let the end result be the motivationfor your child to accomplish things for personal satisfaction and personalencouragement, through personal choice. Consequences are actions that willhappen, based on the childs behavior. Some consequences are:

If you clean your room in time, you will be able to go to the basketballgame. Id like you to have time to go to the game.

If you pick up the backyard, well be able to swim in the pool sooner. Id

like you to have more time swimming in the pool. Wed like to arrive at the party on time. If you turn off the Nintendo, well

be there on time. If not, I will be asking you to apologize to Grandma forarriving late.

Your childs choice has a consequence. The consequence is based inreality. Reality is what will happen according to your childs choice. Aspsychologist Dr. Kevin Leman states, a consequence isnt a reward that saysyour child is good for doing something. A consequence isnt punishment for achild being bad. These kinds of statements only program the child to believehe is loved because he does [or doesnt do] certain things. (Making Children

Mind Without Losing Yours, p. 53)In real life, 99.9% of what we do has a consequence, a natural outcome

that can be positive or negative. We want our children to take responsibility forthe choices that they make. We can begin teaching the healthy concept ofchoices and consequences at an early age when we clearly define expectationsand consequences for our children.

Wrap it All Up with Love and Consistency


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Loving touch and words have an energy of their own that sparkles with amagnificent dynamic that cant be explained. To be effective, these three secrets

these foolproof ways to get your child to listen to you must be wrapped inlove.

How do we show love to our child? As a benchmark for millions worldwidetoday, the Bible defines love as outward action. The action words for love aremany: patience, kindness, lack of envy, humble and not boastful or proud,respectful and not rude, and desiring to give to others over being self-seeking.Love is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love delights ingood things and rejoices in the truth. Love protects. Love trusts. Love hopes forthe positive. Love hangs in there and perseveres through tough times. All of theaction terms listed above are behaviors that are conveyed by touch and words.

Children need loving touch. There are a number of distinguishedpublished studies regarding orphaned children and what happens to them whenthey dont receive loving touch and words. These studies prove that children

need open, appropriate, unbridled physical love and words. If a child doesntreceive these things, he or she will wither and atrophy, not only in emotionaldevelopment, but also in brain and physical development.

Were you raised in a home with loving touch and words? If you werent,you may have difficulty with showing tenderness or other outward displays oflove toward your child. Our own upbringing affects how we act toward ourchildren.

If you didnt have a family where openly expressing love was a normalthing to do, its not too late to learn now. Recognize your lack of experience ortraining when it comes to showing love to your children. Do something about it.

Find a person who can be a positive role model to you. Spend time with them.Watch them. Copy them. Let them show you what appropriate touch is like.Then begin to reach out to your child with a back rub, a hug, or a time of holdingtenderly. With practice, what is awkward at first will become natural andmeaningful over time.

Loving words are powerful tools of sincerity and meaning that let yourchild know that you love them and believe in them. There are thousands of ways


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to verbally convey love and care for your child. Im so glad that youre my child!I like the way that you did that. I like to be with you. I appreciate you. Lovingwords help to build great things in your childs life, like trust, openness,willingness, and a desire to give to others. Our words can be either the rudder ofa majestic ship or the spark that starts a forest fire. Practice loving words toward

your child.What keeps you from giving love to your child? Are you wrapped up in

busy-ness, scurrying to do this and that, while the child that needs your lovewaits alone in the living room watching TV? Showing your kids love throughtouch and words takes time. It takes putting aside your plans, stopping yourspinning world, and going to your childs side.

Maybe youre caught in a trap of anger within yourself. Someone in yourpast has served you an injustice and, when you think about it, your emotionscant stop swirling in a blinding snowstorm of rage. Your chest is tight even whenyou look at your kids, and youre unable to let go and fully express love to thembecause youre wrapped up in your bitterness. It takes taming the inner beasts tobe able to move toward your child in love.

Are you harboring unforgiveness underneath a forced smile? Is your abilityto show love held captive behind a stifling wall of self-protection? Are you pushedby a driving, forceful gale of fear of failure in your job that sucks up all of yourthoughts and energy, leaving nothing for your son or daughter? You need tosomehow get through the rough waters at the top of the ocean and dive belowthe surface to discover what is keeping you from showing love to your child.

The only way to give your child what he or she needs is to let go of a self-first attitude. Make it a priority to slay the inner dragon that keeps you from lovingyour child.

If you want your child to learn to listen, its absolutely critical that yourinteraction with him or her is consistent. That means using the three secrets eachand every time you interact with your child even when it doesnt feelcomfortable! Its no secret: Successful parenting takes hard work and anincredible amount of energy. It takes commitment to doing the right thing evenwhen it would be easier to give in or give up. But the incredible rewards ahappier home with children who actually listen and connect with their parents are absolutely well worth all the energy!

So now that you know what to do, start doing it! Open the door to whatyou can become from here, and take a step. Do it for your own sake. More

importantly, do it for your childs sake. Youll never regret it.

If You Enjoyed this Parenting Guide . . .Why not discover and enjoy 17 more practical secrets that will bring


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joy and success to your parenting?

Just Visitwww.ParentingWithSuccessfor the invaluable book

Ive worked with parents and their children with disabilities for over 30 years. This reader-friendly

book is insightful, delightful, and reflects an uncommon wisdom regarding effective and lovingparenting. Erin Brown Conroy clearly has a phenomenal understanding of the joys and trials

associated with parenting.Dr. Carol Huettig, PhD

Texas Womans University, Dallas, Texas

As a pediatrician (and a parent) for over twenty years, I enjoyed reading this book and know thatother parents will as well.

Dr. Stephen R. Lull, M.D., Pediatrician

Pediatrics PC. Kalamazoo, Michigan

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Ways Kids Listen