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with Bill Huebsch
What makes a home“Homey?”
www.OurParishRenewed.com
Suburban town near Minneapolis, Minnesota Typical suburban community North of Minneapolis Very middle class:
◦ Tracts of homes◦ Mobile home parks
Older town that became a bedroom community
Lots of kids, big schools
PastoralPlanning.com
300 children per grade But they aren’t usually at the parish They’re on the practice fields and rinks Practicing or play music At dance rehearsal
Or in family cars being chauffeured by their over-extended parents.
PastoralPlanning.com
This town has an elaborate system of youth leagues ◦ They meet after school◦ On weekends◦ Even during the summer
Teams travel for their games which means long car rides and often, overnight trips
This starts for little kids – age 7 or 8!
PastoralPlanning.com
Conventional wisdom in this town is that if you want your kid to succeed◦ They have to be in hockey skates by age 3
Hockey practice?◦ Rink time is scarce so it might be 6 AM on Sunday
or 7 PM on Thursday
The idea is that every child must be offered every opportunity
PastoralPlanning.com
The kids and their parents all carry elaborate mobile phones and appointment calendars
Univ of Michigan study:◦ Average kid lost 12 hours of free time per week
between 1981 and 1997◦ Playtime declined by 25%◦ Unstructured outdoor activity fell by half◦Supper?
Forget itPastoralPlanning.com
The average time which a child now spends in non-directive communication with his or her parents?
Less than 3 minutes per day
It’s all about loving attention
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Parents send this message:◦We love you for what you achieve◦The pie is limited◦You gotta grab yours◦Don’t take time off◦Don’t dawdle◦Don’t daydream◦If you’re not good enough you won’t
make the cut
PastoralPlanning.com
One mom told me this sad story:◦Her mother had died in Wisconsin◦The funeral would mean being gone for
two nights◦They wanted their children to be there, She was their grandma To know the extended family To hear the family stories
This is so important!
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But missing softball practice meant being benched
Missing a game meant being cut
This wasn’t even an important game But the coach had his rules
And they did not favor family lifePastoralPlanning.com
One set of parents told me this: They built a new house a few years ago
Bigger than they could afford It has no dining room! Not even a kitchen table But only a counter-top
◦So they eat standing up◦Or in front of the TV
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Into this busy family context Steps the parish team
Parents want a little faith for their kids
We offer programs to do that
We become “just one more demand” among the many they juggle
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We also know this: What we do at the parish to teach a youngster about faith
Can only reinforce what they get at home from the parents
The parents ARE the real teachers◦Whether we like it or not.
PastoralPlanning.com
But we tend to focus so much on the parish That we omit the household
For example◦ Time & Talent sign up Sunday?
It’s all about the parish!◦ Stewardship commitments?
All about the parish.◦ Evenings and weekends?
All about the parish.
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More examples:
Religious ed classes?◦ No parents are involved◦ Except for a little in 2nd grade◦ A bit more at Confirmation◦ Walking down the aisle at the wedding
Minimum obligations for families◦ Rules they must follow◦ “Hurdles and Hoops”◦ In order to “get” the Sacraments
PastoralPlanning.com
More examples:
Rehearsals, choir practice, training◦ Same thing◦ To be a lector you MUST attend the training◦ How different are we from that coach?
Parish meetings?◦ Almost all occur at suppertime◦ Sometimes we substitute supper with us ◦ …for supper with their families
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But wait!
We’re talking here about families having supper◦Supper at home◦Not at the parish
Supper is “the school of the family”
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www.OurParishRenewed.com
What contribution can we make to the modern families I’ve been describing?
More parish programs? More requirements they must meet? More guilt about activity outside the parish?
OR…PastoralPlanning.com
1. Parish-talkFocus on supper at homeRather than on the parish itself
2. Help people learn how to be better Homemakers
Bedtime ritualsHospitalitySupper
3. 50-50 Covenants
PastoralPlanning.com
Focus the talk of the parish on household life, especially meals.
Be the ones who most encourage family suppertime
Help parents learn how to be “homemakers” ◦ Family rituals◦ Sacred times for the family alone
Connect parents with each other for support◦ It takes a lot of backbone to be countercultural
In the bulletinOn the websiteFrom the pulpit
In the announcementsIn everything we send home
As part of scheduling
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Understand that the parish is not the church It’s where the church gathers The church does not live at the parish
The church lives in the ‘hood◦ The apartments and condos◦ The double-wides◦ The homes and neighborhoods ◦ Even under the bridges or in the homeless shelters
That’s actually where the church lives
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Don’t live alone together Create a place of love and forgiveness Manage the TV & media devices Develop household rituals Give each other attention Call each other by name! Make time for each other
And above all: Have supper as often as possible
Hint: Turn them off
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2000 Federal Study◦There is a strong association◦Family meals (5 or more suppers per week)
◦Produce academic success◦Psychological adjustment◦Lower rates of drug and alcohol use◦Lower rates of early sexual activity◦Much lower rates of suicide
One and two parents families alikePastoralPlanning.com
Supper is THE place where formation for life takes place
This is “religious education” This is where tradition is passed on to the
next generation
This is where story telling happens If it doesn’t happen here
◦ It can’t happen anywhere else
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Family rituals◦Meals◦Bedtimes◦Farewells◦Critical events
Predictability Connection Identity A way to enact values
We need this in order to be well-adjusted
& happy.
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Think of supper as a liturgical act Be home Be unrushed Keep it simple Turn off the TV Cook together Linger at the table Invite guests often Wait for the Risen Christ to appear here
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Light candles Use linens The good china
Sacred writings! Sacred vestments
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Get yourself a 3 pound cod Divide it the long way
The stuffing:◦ Crush some crackers (1 cup)◦ Add a few chopped walnuts (3 tbsp.)◦ 1 tbsp. parsley◦ 4 tbsp. butter, melted
Mix all together. ◦ (A drop or two of cooking sherry adds a nice touch.)
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How to stuff a fish Lay the cod out flat. Place the stuffing in the center. Fold the fish over stuffing and seal it with
toothpicks. Drizzle a little butter and lemon over top. Dress it up however you like!
Let stand to rest a few minutes.
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How to bake the cod Oil a glass pan. Place the fish in the pan. Melt some butter and a dollop of lemon
juice. Drizzle over the fish. Dust with a little paprika for color. Bake in a 400° F oven for 25 to 30 minutes
(depending on the thickness of your fish).
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Jesus understood this very well When he chose a symbol to leave behind
◦ One which would help us recall him◦ And the community to which we belong
He did not choose to leave behind◦ A theology system◦ A moral code◦ A textbook about all this◦ Or even an organized church
He left behind only this: Supper
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The meal WAS the teaching moment
Look at Luke◦ 10 great meals◦ Each one a key turning point
So it is with us We must refocus on the meal as the
key teaching moment among family members
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If you don’t eat supper You can’t figure out what Jesus was talking
about◦ Or calling us to do ◦ Or any of it
You can’t theologize the Kingdom of God You can’t even church-ize it. You have to live it in daily life
Which means: having supper
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anduse the china more
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1. Parish-talkFocus on supper at homeRather than on the parish itself
2. Help people learn how to be better Homemakers
Bedtime ritualsHospitalitySupper
3. 50-50 Covenants
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50-50 Covenantsbetween
Households and Parish
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Right now: ◦ Parish: 90%◦ Household: 10%
Instead: Make “friendly agreements” between
◦ Parish◦ & Household
On a 50-50 basis
Seems fair, doesn’t it?◦ Who could say no to this?
This is not working.
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The household sits down and agrees to its part
The parish also agrees to its part
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Parish◦ Focus on good liturgy◦ Welcome all◦ No meetings during
the supper hour◦ Coach parents◦ Flexibility with
requirements◦ Resources to assist
them to help the poor & live their faith
Household◦ Within the home
Shared Meals Forgiveness Paying attention
◦ Within the ‘hood Recycle garbage Support charities Reduce prejudice
◦ Within the parish Financial support Time and talent Being present
1. Strong and committed parish leaders2. A deep understanding that the church
lives in these homes3. Don’t be afraid to call people to step
up to the plate4. Trust that the Holy Spirit is working
there!
PastoralPlanning.com
How to Have Supper Coaching parents to form their own kids Faith on the Run Parables on the Run
Ways to bring parents into the picture And ways to support home life
PastoralPlanning.com
1. Parish-talkFocus on supper at homeRather than on the parish itself
2. Help people learn how to be better Homemakers
Bedtime ritualsHospitalitySupper
3. 50-50 Covenants
PastoralPlanning.com