36 Simple Ways To Get Your Kids To Listen
By Cate Scolnik
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 2 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
36 Simple Ways To Get Your Kids To Listen
It’s what every parent wants.
At the top of every parent’s “This frustrates the heck out of me” list is that your kids
don’t listen.
You have to repeat yourself … over and over and over.
Or they tune you out.
Or worse, they answer back!
But you can stop tearing your hair out now, because I’ve got your covered with these
36 Simple Ways To Get Your Kids To Listen.
It’s a round up of the best advice from the best parenting experts. It’s a lot to take in,
so stick around until the end and I’ll share a simple way of using all these strategies.
Let’s dive in, shall we?
1. Validate Feelings Ariadne Brill at Positive Parenting Connection says it’s,
“…helpful to validate feelings and then trust that your child
will be able to feel her feelings and move on”
Here’s an example of how Adriadne used this technique with
her four year old:
Me: “Can you please set the place mats on the table?”
Four year old (with creative excuses): “Oh..but my legs hurt! And I’m playing with my
playmobil!”
Me (showing interest): “Oh no, your legs hurt? What’s going on with them?”
Four year old (being honest!): “Ugh, I just don’t feel like table setting mama. it’s so
boring!”
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 3 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
Me (validating): “uhm.uhm..you don’t feel like it. It is boring. I understand. And it’s
dinner time. So what’s your plan to get your job done?”
Four year old: “I don’t wannnna. I don’t mama.”
Me: “it’s a boring job. you don’t want to do it. Could you make it a fun job?”
Four year old (understanding my request wasn’t changing): “Can my playmobil
princess do it? You, know, with my help?”
Me: “yes!”
2. Use One Word In the book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So
Kids Will Talk Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s recommend
using one word reminders. If your child has forgotten to stack
their dishes, you can just say “dishes” to remind them. If
they’re near a hot stove, you can say “Hot stove!”
This avoids us falling into the trap of lecturing our kids, which
teaches them to tune us out.
3. Lower Your Tone Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and
author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral
development. She’s also the author of The Big Book of
Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday
Challenges and Wildest Worries
Nothing turns a kid off faster then yelling, so do the opposite:
talk softer not louder. Teachers have used this strategy for
years because it works.
Try whispering your request. It usually catches the kid off guard and he stops to
listen. (For toddlers: whisper the direction to a teddy bear or the kitty. Nothing gets a
little one’s attention faster!)
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4. Connect First Cheryl Butler at Mighty Mommy says, “Don't start talking until
you have your child's attention. Connect before you start
speaking. That means you can't yell orders from another
room and expect your child to listen, never mind respond.”
She says it’s a great idea to make a positive comment about
what your child is doing. Then, when they look up and you
have their attention, you can start talking.
5. Scale Things Down Dr Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
asks parents to, “Pare down your orders to what's really
non-negotiable. If you worked for someone who constantly
badgered you with orders, would you feel like cooperating?
You don't want every interaction with your child to be an
order. So maximize the loving, happy interactions, and
minimize the orders.”
6. Limit Your Commands Alida, aka The Realistic Mama recommends parents, “Pay
attention to how many corrections, requests or redirections
you give your child during the day. Chances are, they have
tuned you out! Focus on the big things so your child knows
what’s important.”
This is similar to scaling things down, but it’s more than that.
This is also being mindful of the corrections and criticisms –
or negative feedback – we use during the day.
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7. Follow Through Consistently Natasha Daniels is a child therapist advocates consistency
and follow through. She sees kids who tell her:
“I only listen when I hear my mom screaming.
If I don’t do it – my mom will.
My mom always threatens to take things away – but she
never does.
If I beg my my dad enough – he’ll give it back to me.
If I throw a big enough fit my dad will get annoyed and give in.
They say I can earn it back – so I don’t care if they take it away.
If my dad says no, my mom will say yes.
We are teaching our children NOT to listen to us. Isn’t that scary? Our behaviour is
shaping our children’s reactions and habits without us even knowing it! When we set
a pattern of not following through or of changing our no to yes due to exhaustion –
our children note our reaction and file it away for next time.”
8. Respond, Don’t React Suzanna Tucker at My Mommy Manual says, “…instead of
reacting to what feels like disobedience, reclaim your
personal-power and respond to your child instead.
She explains that, “Once you let go of your reaction (i.e
feeling shocked, offended, disrespected, etc), you can put
100% of your energy into responding to your child instead
(i.e. connecting and redirecting their behaviour.)”
9. Say What You Want Sheila McCraith, author of Yell Less, Love More found that a
lot of parenting sites give the same basic advice that’s too
difficult to remember, particularly when she’s in a hurry.
But she found a simple tip she really loves. She says “Begin
requests with “I want” as children naturally want to please.
This is working phenomenally. PHENOMENALLY. I hate to
admit it because whenever I say “I want” I feel selfish, but
they get it.”
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10. Make Time For One-On-One Time Amy McCready, author of If I Have To Tell You One More
Time… says, “Not listening is a power struggle and if left
unaddressed, can escalate to back talk, tantrums and even
defiance.” McCready recommends making time for one-on-
one time with each of your children, twice a day.
She says, “By far, the best thing you can do to improve your
children’s behavior is spending time with them individually
every day, giving them the positive attention and emotional connection they’re hard-
wired to need. When they don’t have that positive attention, they will seek out
attention in negative ways, and consequences and other discipline methods won’t
work. Aim for 10-15 minutes a day per child and you’ll see measurable improvement
almost immediately.”
11. Stop Hurrying Rachel Macy Stafford, author of Hands Free Mama says,
When you’re living a distracted life, every minute must be
accounted for. You feel like you must be checking something
off the list, staring at a screen, or rushing off to the next
destination. And no matter how many ways you divide your
time and attention, no matter how many duties you try and
multi-task, there’s never enough time in a day to ever catch
up.”
One day Rachel realised, “I was a bully who pushed and pressured and hurried a
small child who simply wanted to enjoy life.” Once she realised, and adjusted to her
child’s pace, life became simpler and easier.
12. Practice What You Preach Christa Osborne, recognises the irony of wanting to get our
kids to listen. She writes, “I don’t know how many times I’ve
lectured Caroline or ended up yelling at her because— She.
Does. Not. Listen. To. My. Words. The flip side is I also don’t
know how many times I’ve been trying to have a conversation
with someone while she’s tugging at my shirt saying “mommy”
over and over, and— It. Doesn’t. Even. Register. The day I
realized we mutually don’t listen to each other was a total
Keanu Reeves “Whoa” moment for me.”
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13. Add A Little Contact “I have found that one tip to get my usually-defiant child to
listen is to add gentle, but firm physical contact.” So says
Dayna Abraham of Lemon Lime Adventures, and author of
Sensory Processing 101.
Dayna says, “Although it takes a bit more effort than yelling
across the room, when I rush to his side and lift him up into
my arms to tell him exactly what I need him to do, it started
to resonate with him. Maybe it’s the undivided attention he can now pay me as I am
staring him face-to-face. Or perhaps, it’s the ability for me to speak to him sternly, yet
sincerely. Either way, 9 times out of 10 the outcome is positive.”
14. Don’t Ask Too Much Steph, momma to three small children and founder and
managing editor of Modern Parents Messy Kids says, “Too
many questions can make our kids feel like the pressure is
on. Especially when our children are just beginning to talk.”
She goes on, “ …we often can find out more about our kids,
and not just what they know, by simply listening and
watching them. If we can be comfortable with quiet and fewer
(and smarter) questions, we actually give children space to tell us (or show us) what
they want to share.”
15. Don’t Compete For Attention Catherine Bailey says, “Kids are usually engrossed in
whatever they’re doing. When they’re busy watching TV or
playing, they might say “um-hmm” or “okay,” but that doesn’t
mean they actually heard what we said. To make sure you
get their full attention, ask them to stop what they’re doing
before you voice your complaint. If they respond to your
request with “just a minute,” insist they use the ‘pause’ button
or put down the toy.”
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16. Keep Your Promises Harleena Singh says, “Sometimes as parents you might
forget to keep the promises you make to your kids. You
might mean to keep them, but due to lack of time or a busy
schedule, you can’t keep them.”
Harleena explains that “… to a child, breaking such promises
removes the trust they have in you, and eventually they stop
believing and listening to what you have to say.”
17. Let Them Reason Ann Radcliffe says it’s OK for kids not to listen. She
explains,
“One of the hardest things to accept as a parent is that
sometimes it’s a good thing that kids don’t listen. If they
always listened to us, they’d never learn to reason for
themselves. And so the most important piece of advice that I
ever got (which I’m sure I’ve been told before by someone,
but ignored and have had to relearn for myself) is that you have to let people figure
out things for themselves.”
18. Be Honest Chaley-Ann Scott says we need to stop telling ‘white lies’ to
placate our kids, because it trains them not to trust us.
Saying ‘We’ll come back tomorrow’, ‘We’ll get that game
another day’ or ‘I have no money in my purse right now’ isn’t
the answer.
She says, “Those little lies build up and, children aren’t
stupid, they work out quickly if mum and dad are people who
tell lies or people who have integrity. Why should they listen to someone who doesn’t
always tell the truth? Would you?”
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19. Bend Those Legs Katie Joiner is a mum and former teacher who recommends
getting down to their level. She says, “Standing over a child
while talking with them can be scary and intimidating for a
child, especially if you are upset. Get down to their level and
look them in the eyes. It helps them to focus and it lets them
know that you are talking with them not at them. It shows
them respect, too.”
20. Sing Instead Kate from Picklebums is a former pre-school teacher and
mother of four.
She keeps things fun and light by singing and says, “I will
sing (possibly like an opera singer) or ask for co-operating in
funny or creative ways… ‘Can you slither like a snake to the
bath?’ If all else fails I will take a deep breath, realise this is
totally normal, and start all over again.”
21. Give Choices Ilana Wiles blogs over at Mommyshorts, and also dispenses
great advice from her sister “the brilliant Dr B”. They
recommend giving kids choices, within acceptable
parameters.
Dr B says, “When children are non-compliant, they are
looking for some control. Giving choices is one way to give
your child control but on your terms. State all requests or
directions as choices when you can. Instead of saying, “You need to get dressed
now.” Try, “Do you want to put on your shirt or pants first?” while holding up both
options to make the choice as concrete as possible. Similarly, avoid making
something sound like a choice when it isn’t. For example, do not say “Can you come
to the dinner table?” when “no” is not an option.
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22. Be Positive Amanda Morgan from Not Just Cute says that kids respond
best when you word things positively. She calls this “Say
What You Need to See” and says that when we say, “Don’t
bounce in your seat” the visual image is of someone
bouncing in their seat. Instead we should say something like,
“Please sit still in your chair”
When we tell kids what not to do she says, “The verbal
image is of what you DO want to see. There is less misunderstanding and you’re not
swimming upstream against the visual of what you DON’T want to see.”
23. Write It Down Kelly Pietrangeli from Project Me, says to write things down
as a rule rather than repeating yourself over and over. Kelly
says, “When it's there in black and white you can point to the
rule, rather than saying it all over again.”
This is powerful even when children are too young to read.
The fact that it's a written rule that can be referred to will still
have an impact.
24. Employ Natural Consequences Dr Erica Reischer, author of "What Great Parents Do: The
small Book of BIG Parenting Ideas" (Tarcher/Penguin
Random House, forthcoming) says to let natural
consequences work their magic.
Erica says, “Natural consequences are those that follow
without parents having to do anything, such as getting wet
feet from wearing flip-flops instead of rain boots, or not
having their clothes laundered because they left them on the bedroom floor (again).”
She says they’re often the best teacher, as long as there are no safety risks.
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25. Give Advance Notice William Penton Sears is an American paediatrician and the
author or co-author of more than 30 parenting books
including The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know
About Your Baby From Birth to Age.
Sears says to give advance notice like “We are leaving soon.
Say bye-bye to the toys, bye-bye to the girls…”
Giving kids advance notice that you're leaving, or that toys will need to be left behind,
plants a message. Your kids may not look like they heard you, but there will be less
shock and upset if you give them advance notice.
26. Ask Them To Repeat Amy Morin is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating
children and adolescents with depression, anxiety, and
behavior problems. She’s also the author of 13 Things
Mentally Strong People Don't Do
She says to ask your child to repeat your directions out loud.
After you give an instruction to your child, ask him to repeat
back what he heard. This can ensure that he understands what you expect from him.
This provides an opportunity to provide clarification if there’s any misunderstanding.
27. Connect Consequence To Behaviour Janet Lehman is a veteran social worker who has worked
with troubled children and teens for over 30 years.
Janet says, “The consequence you give should be as closely
related to your child’s misbehavior as possible. For example,
if your daughter comes in late for curfew on Friday night, set
her curfew 15 minutes earlier the next weekend. If she is
responsible and succeeds in coming in on time, she can
have her old curfew back.”
She adds, “just like with anything else in life, practice is how your child will learn to
make better choices when he’s upset or angry.”
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28. Make It A Race Stacey Viera says to make it a race.
Got a competitive kid? “I’m gonna sit at the table first!” or “I’m
gonna use the potty first!” often motivates them because if
they win, they know they’ll get to hear, “Aw, shucks! You
beat Mommy again!”
Racing against time is also fun, especially during that most
combative situation: The Toddler Seatbelt Struggle of Doom. Save your sharp
elbows for your next Costco trip. Instead try: “Last time it took 23 seconds to buckle
you in. Let’s see how fast we can do it today!”
29. Keep Your Cool Dean Mehrkens says to keep your cool and “Don’t be a jerk”
He says, “It can be frustrating and downright infuriating to be
ignored, especially by your own kids. Getting angry with
them won’t help. It’ll only frustrate them, which is no way to
gain the trust and respect that leads to willful obedience.
Take a deep breath. Keep your head on straight. And think
like an adult, don’t emote like a toddler.”
30. Embrace “Complain Free” Coach Elaine Taylor-Klaus, “Complaining, when overused,
keeps us from taking responsibility."
She says, “Complaint-free” living means that you stop
negative approaches to sharing information, like
complaining, criticizing and gossiping. Instead of looking for
what’s wrong, it’s about looking for what could be right. After
all, whether you look for the negative or the positive, that’s
exactly what you’re likely to find.”
Try looking for all the times your kids DO listen and do what you ask – you might be
surprised. You might even learn what works, and what doesn’t.
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31. Put On Your Positive Face Michèle Gamzo says to use positive facial expressions.
She writes, “Smiles, slightly upturned lips, and eyes widened
in excitement can also affect how our children respond to our
message. Once again, by imbuing a positive expression, we
encourage our children to have positive responses. The
Raising Children Network urges that the emotional
experiences children have with others shapes their
responses throughout life.”
32. Let Them Be The Boss Andy Smithson is a Licensed Masters Social Worker and
says to let your kids be the boss sometimes. He says, “Give
your children opportunities to lead activities and conversation
and listen with full attention.”
We can teach active listening by modelling the behaviour to
our kids.
He says, “Make eye contact. Respond when they ask
questions. Even when you are busy, acknowledge their requests, questions and
statement. Let them know you will be done in a moment and then you can give your
full attention and then honor that.”
33. Look At The Circumstances Becky Mansfield, a former 2nd grade teacher turned play
therapist says to consider the circumstances.
She says, “If a child is tired after a long day, it may not be a
good time to insist on picking up all toys before bed. Pick
your battles, and pick the time/day of your battles also. They
don’t need to learn everything in one month or even one
year. It’s okay to go slowly.”
Most kids are harder of hearing when they’re tired!
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34. Understand Why They Don’t Adina Soclof is the Founder of ParentingSimply.com and a
certified Speech Pathologist.
She says we need to understand why children don’t listen
and says, “Children are often torn between wanting their
parents to take care of them and needing to feel
independent. They are confused. When their parents ask
them to do something and they need to comply, they are also
battling their inner voice which might be telling them: "You don't need to listen to
anyone. You are your own boss, you can do your own thing!" “
Once we understand why it is so hard for kids to listen, we can approach our
interactions with compassion, tact and understanding.
35. Assume They’ll Do It Alicia Eaton is a hypnotherapist and neuro-linguistic
programming expert, and author of Words That Work: How
To Get Kids To Do Almost Anything.
“'The word "when" is often referred to as the most hypnotic
word in the English language. It gently implies that
something will be done in the initial instance” says Eaton.
Eaton says to give the subtle message the task ahead is a fait accompli by using the
word ‘when’. She suggests phrases such as: 'When you've tidied your room, we'll
have some lunch', 'When you've finished your maths homework, we'll be able to go
out to the park' or 'When you've put your uniform on, we can go downstairs for
breakfast'.
36. Use Positive Persuasion Cate Scolnik is a parenting strategist, sociologist and life
coach.
Cate says to use positive persuasion, "Tell them that in order
to get what they want, they must complete the action you
want them to take."
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 15 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
Cate says, "I call it "So that" and here's how you'd structure the sentence:
So that you can [incentive] you need to [take action].
Here's how you might use it:
1) So that you can watch TV, you need to put your shoes on and get ready for school
2) So that you can listen to a story, you need to brush your teeth for bed
3) So that you can eat dinner, you need to wash your hands
This is similar to 'when', but the incentive comes first. It's slightly more complex
language, so I'd use 'when' for younger kids and 'so that' for older kids - once they've
reached school age.
So that you can get your kids to do what you ask, you just need to practice this
technique. See? It's so easy and effective I just used it on you (you knew that, right?)
Your Challenge
So there you have it. 36 Kick-ass ways to get your kids to listen.
It’s a lot to digest, isn’t it? It’s a lot to take in all at once.
So here’s a challenge for you. Pick one idea a day and implement it.
Do this for the next 7 days and your household will experience a transformation.
You’ll be calmer, your children will be happier, and your family will be more caring
and understanding.
It sounds amazing, but these strategies truly have the power to change your world.
In fact, they have the power to change families everywhere.
By sharing this post with every parent you know, you can help others as much as
you’re helping yourself.
Please share this resource with other parents
You have the power to change lives for the better, just by hitting a share button.
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You can choose to keep these ideas a secret, or you can share them and give other
people a great opportunity.
I can’t wait to see what you choose.
How To Train Your Children
How To Train Your Children is inspired by a popular series of books about people
and dragons - two warring parties who form an allegiance.
The people learn that by working with the dragons they can form an amazing
partnership. One that is far greater than the sum of its parts.
To outsiders it appears that the dragons are tame, but the reality is that they’re a
team, and each member has a role to play.
It’s the same in families. We can choose to fight and argue, or we can harness trust,
communication and understanding, and together become unstoppable.
Are you ready to make your family fly?
Questions?
Cate Scolnik can help you stop yelling and create
a family that listens to each other. You can
reach her at
[email protected], and find
her at www.howtotrainyourchildren.com.
Cate is a parenting strategist, writer and
mother. She has super powers when it
comes to making things simple, but
effective. She has direct experience of the
career vs parenting tug-of-war, and knows
how to establish priorities so you can get
solutions fast.