WARNING: Secret Women’s Business Coming Up…
… so make sure there are NO MEN in
the room before proceeding through this manual on 15 secret steps to become a fully-
fledged, you beaut’
SUPER MUMMY!(Click for next page)
1. Don’t Bother Dressing The Kids In The Morning
Leave them in their pyjamas all day, then in the late afternoon, simply spray
their hair with water, so it looks
like they’re bathed and
ready for bed when your
partner gets home.
2. On The Topic Of Dressing…
Unless you really have to go out, don’t bother dressing
yourself either – stay in your pj’s all day too.
It’s not like you’ll get a shower anyway, so when your partner comes home, either slip into something fresh for the night or tell him that you have been soooo busy and stressed that
you didn’t even get the chance to dress yourself…
…AND can he please look after the kids while you go and
have a nice, warm, candlelit bubble bath (with champagne
and strawberries as an optional extra).
3. Always Leave The Vacuum Cleaner At The Front Door
If anyone stops in unexpectedly and
the house is an absolute tip, you can always imply that you were just
about to start housecleaning - and you’re more
than happy to have such a wonderful
interruption to housework!
4. If Your Toddler Wants to Eat Snacks All Day…
… just let them. It saves having to go through meal time tantrums, messes and dishwashing,
which is great for the environment. Think
green in 2007!
5. Time For Some Well-Earned Sympathy?
“The baby woke up 4 times last night. Didn’t you hear her? You sure
can sleep through anything!”
No matter if it’s been said in truth or if she’s been sleeping through for around 4 months already, this is a sure
way to get lots of sympathy and sucking up from your partner.
6. Stock Up On Packet Mixes
Stock up on packets of cake, biscuit and muffin mix, then hide them in your pantry. Bake these when you
have people coming around.
For the more gourmet. homemade look, press them with a fork while cooking. You could even whip up
some fresh cream and strawberries to go with it – what an effort it will
seem to your unsuspecting visitors!
They will think you are a complete domestic goddess, for doing
something that took much less time than dragging the kids out to Bakers
Delight, kicking and screaming.
For double the effect, double your baking efforts and leave one lot for
your partner – when he comes home to what you have made just for him, you could get lucky – he might offer
to wash up!
7. Mummies Don’t Get Sick Days…
… so don’t forget to pretend to be extra sick every now and again. You’ll get
extra help with the kids as well as some well-deserved sympathy.
As an added bonus, there will be little or no expectation of getting any
housework done that day.
Better still, chuck a sickie and tell your partner that you are so sick, he will
need to stay home for the day. Proceed towards a box of tissues, sniffle, blow,
then and go back to bed. Insist you wont be able to sleep through the
noise, so can your partner please take the kids out for the morning, or ideally,
the day.
8. Forget The Ironing
Ironing is impossible with children. If your
partner complains, tell him/her to think of the
numerous safety hazards for poor and
unsuspecting children. It’s far too dangerous
with the cords, hot iron, wobbly ironing board – the list goes on. I have not ironed
for 2 years out of concern for our
children’s safety.
9. Hire a Cleaner…
… but don’t tell anyone, even your partner. Have a regular clean every week or two and
transform your home from a pit to a palace in no time. Don’t forget to go out with the kids afterwards so it will be tidy when your partner comes
home.
There’s nothing better than letting someone else clean your
house while you sit back and take the credit for it – and help
the national unemployment crisis at the same time.
10. On The Point Of Cleaners…
If you will be at home while the cleaner works, make sure they look something
like this.
11. An Essential Oil Burner Is Essential
Make sure it’s going before your partner arrives home or before any guests pop
over.
It covers up the smell of pooey nappies, baby vomit,
the toilet you haven’t cleaned in weeks, the
shower you haven’t had in weeks or for the dishes you
have only just put away after a few days in the sink.
It also makes up for the lack of any home cooking smells if you haven’t been bothered to make dinner!
12. Need A Break From A Tantruming Toddler? Or
Partner?When your partner is at home,
tell him that your newborn needs a feed.
This way you can have a quiet lie-down for at least 30 minutes and
read your favourite book!
My newborn was always a very quick feeder (about every 4 hours
or so) but my husband, to this day, thinks it took at least 40
minutes every 2 hours to feed our baby. Silence is heavenly.
13. If Your Child Is Learning To Read…
Hint: get the child to read stories to the younger ones. That way you are having
storytime and reading practice at the same time. Plus, you don’t
have to bother remembering which character goes with which voice, which saves on toddler
tantrums when you do get them wrong.
14. Need To Go Out..?
Don’t fret – it needn’t be a
drama. Even if you haven’t managed
to shower for three days and smell like baby vomit, quickly
throw on some funky jewellery,
lipstick and perfume. Everyone will envy you and think you are a
totally in control and together type
of mummy.
15. Lastly Mummies, Make Sure You Keep Your New Skills Up To
Date!
Visit www.bellybelly.com.au for loads more fun and
ideas for mummies and mummies-to-be!
But shhhhh! Don’t tell him you heard it from
us
BellyBelly.com.au – For Conception, Pregnancy, Birth & Baby