Coparenting Strategies to Reduce Conflict over Custody-writing tips to eliminate conflict

High Conflict Intervention and Coparenting Program

Hi, I’m Dr. Deena Stacer. I teach the High Conflict Intervention and Coparenting Program in San Diego.

I was in a high conflict breakup myself (for seven years) and have three grown children who were part of my custody fight.

©Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009

I’ve been teaching this as a live program in San Diego since 1997. And now, I have translated this class online for you to participate without leaving your home.

My Credentials

I have teaching credentials ranging from Kindergarten through College. I have a Bachelors of Science in Child Development, a Masters in Counseling and Leadership and a Ph.D. in Psychology.


I have worked with over 5000 high conflict parents and many of their children. I have mediated over 850 divorces. I mostly mediate highly conflictual cases now.

The High Conflict Intervention Program

I teach parents how to navigate through the court system, how to disengage from the fight with the other parent and how to protect the children from permanent emotional damage that often occurs from chronic conflict.


Because of my experiences, I’ve learned a lot of great strategies to help parents get out of conflict.

Rules to manage Contact and Communication to Reduce Conflict

One of the most important concepts parents in conflict need to learn is to reduce conflict you must eliminate or reduce contact and communication. To do this you need new rules to control communication in writing by email, text and telephone.


The next few slides teach you helpful tips to help you control your communication with the other parent in writing.

Conflict = Contact + Communication

Rules for Note, Letters & Emails

Criteria• Are there any issues that need an answer? • Is there already a court order that resolves the issue? • Is it an emergency?• Is you’re the other parent just venting? (Passing

Gas?) If yes, then you don’t have to respond!

Use the following criteria to determine whether you should

respond to anything the other parent writes:

© Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009

The High Conflict Intervention Program


Once you complete the class you will receive a certificate of completion by email, as well as a copy of all of your answers.

These answers are part of the report you file with the courts or give to the professionals who requested you participate in this program.

Rules For Telephone Contact

If you have to talk to the other parent on the phone, follow

these rules:

•Keep your conversations very short.•Stand on one foot;•Listen from the opposite ear;•Always have a good reason to get off the

phone, if it gets conflictual;•Use the broken record technique.


Criteria

If you must respond, try any of these replies:

a. Thank you for sharing!

b. I’ll get right on it!

c. No!

d. Yes!

e. I’ll look into it!

f. Please, refer to the court order.


Rules for Note, Letters & Emails

http://loststbernardpets.org/dog-smile.jpg

Rules for Writing Emails & Notes

2. Use a memo format. Use 3 & 4 letter words

and 5-6 sentences. K.I.S.S. Rules “Keep it

Simple Sweetheart!”

Just theJust the

facts ma’amfacts ma’am

1. Write one topic per email or note.

Writing and reading messages from the other parent, or about the other parent will raise your anxiety level.



4. When you agree to anything verbally, follow it up with a written note confirming the agreement. Otherwise your verbal agreement is toast!

3. Write “Just the Facts” and nothing but the facts. Don’t communicate just to communicate.



5. Use your email/memo for information only, not to admonish the other parent (or their new mate).

6. Write your letters, notes and emails for the judges and professionals to read.



8. Drop the other parent’s emails into a special folder to be read later by your friend. This way you won’t see them when you are looking at emails.

7. Ask a friend or professional to read the emails or notes. Your friend should not be emotionally upset by the notes, if they are, find someone else to help you.

9. Write only when absolutely necessary.



10. When you are too emotional, handwrite an “oops” letter

first, then have a friend strike out all of the “oops”

language until you have only the facts and specifics.

11. Remember, emails are forever. If you don’t want it to show up in court, don’t write it! Write a draft in a word document rather than in email format, so you don’t accidently hit “send” rather than the “save” button.


12. Don’t write emails to teach the other parent a lesson, to make a point or to prove something;

13. Don’t try to snipe at the other parent about the idea of “coparenting;”

14. Write facts or don’t send it at all. 15. Let someone else read emails, letters, or

correspondence first. If anything is important, it can

be relayed to you through them before your reply. © Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009


17. Let a friend or professional write your emails for you.

17. If you get upset by emails, don’t ever read them.

19. Quit thinking you have to respond to everything the other parent says. This keeps you upset and keeps the conflict going.


Education

Coparenting Strategies to Reduce Conflict over Custody-writing tips to eliminate conflict