Editing Translation

“The Scared Elephant”

Translated by: Asama Sabra.

Edited by: Rawya Aljehani.

Course: LANE 462 Practicum in Language.

Instructor: Dr.Shadia Banjar.

Summer 1431-2010.

I will edit this translation and divide the mistakes and weaknesses according to:

1- Grammar.a. The use of the tense.b. Noun and verb agreement.c. Fragment.

2- Word choice.

a. Incorrect word.b. Ambiguity word.c. Not the best choice”I prefer another word”.

3- Punctuations.

4- Style “not smooth”.

5- Meaning.

a. Confusing” the structure of the sentence does not support the meaning, so the sentence needs to be restructured”.

b. Needs more clarifying by adding some details and words.

1- There were rabbits living near a fresh lake and eating from the grass beside it.

[Word choice]: incorrect word >>sweat.

[Grammar]: the use of tense >>>>ate.

2- one day, the king ---

[Style]: the previous sentence started with “once”, so it is better if the next sentence begins with different word.

3- , but the soil is still fertile. It is good if we make use of it.

[word choice]: incorrect word >>>”and” makes the meaning confusing,”but” clarify the meaning.

[Meaning]: needs addition >>”It is good if we make use of it”. Adding this sentence helps to clarify the idea more.

4- Let us plough and plant the foil with lettuce and cabbage, so we can eat what we love and want.

[Word choice]: incorrect word >>>> hoe.“Farm” is more general than ”plant”. “Farm” means if you farm an area of land, you grow crops or keep animals on it. ”plant” means: when you plant a seed, plant or tree, you put it into the ground so it will grow there.“Kohlrabi” it is a kind of vegetables looks like cabbage but it is different kind.

5- They agreed and began planting.

[Word choice]: incorrect word >>>farming.

6- After a while a group of elephants, who were thirsty, came dancing in their way to the lake; thus they destroyed the farm and killed a number of rabbits.

[Grammar]: fragment>>> the sentence cannot be started with ”but”.

[Style]: not smooth and the sentence needs to be restructured.

[Punctuation]: using comma here is not correct, semicolon is the correct punctuation since the second sentence is a result of the first one.

7- To discuss what happened to them.

[Word choice]: incorrect word >>>to confer.

[Meaning]: needs details to be clarified,”what happened to them” is addition.

8- The king of rabbits sat and next to him was an old rabbits, then he said to them:

[Meaning]: needs clarification “to them” is addition.

9- You saw what the elephants had done to our kids and our farm, so what do you think?

[Grammar]: the use of the tense >>> “see” should be in the past tense not present.

[Grammar]: noun and verb agreement + the use of the tense >>> “the elephants has done” >>>”elephants” is plural noun cannot take “has”; also the verb should be in the past tense not the present tense.

[Grammar]: number >>> “farms”, it is one farm not plural.

[Punctuation]: ?!. >>> It is a question, so it is only needs a question mark, no need for period after it.

10- Every rabbit started to tell what happened to him and wondered what rabbits can do for strong and huge animals like elephants.

[Word choice]: not the best choice >>> “complaining”>>> they were not complaining to someone, they all were on the same ship. Each one recounts with pain what happened to him.

[Word choice]: incorrect word >>> “asking” means as if they were waiting for an answer. “Wondering” describes their situation better.

[Punctuation]: ?!. >>>> It is not a question, period is enough.

[Style]: “elephants were strong and huge animals.” This sentence is a part of the previous sentence; they wondered what rabbits can do for strong and huge animals like elephants, so the idea cannot be divided into two sentences.

[Punctuation]: !! >>>> No reason to use it, period is what the sentence needs.

11- A young rabbit jumped in and said:

[Word choice]: ambiguity >>>> “enthusiastically”, it is a children story and this word is not easy to understand by children, so using simple words is better.

12- “We should complain to the lion, he is the king of animals, and he should protect the weak from the strong."

[Style]: Exclude this word “because”, no need for it, to make the sentence more smoothly.

13- How can you say that---

[word choice]: not the best choice >>> ”shut up” is harsh, I prefer to change it.

14- He is hunger for the rabbits’ meat and loves it, so how we can complain to him!

[Word choice]: not the best choice >>> I prefer “hunger for” more than “desire”.

[Grammar]: noun and verb agreement >>> “he” is single, so “love” should be plural.

[Punctuations]: !! A comma is what the sentence needs. ?!. It is not a question in function, so exculmunation mark is what this indirect sentence needs.

15- Then the king of rabbits said:---

[Style]: adding “then” to make it more smoothly and connected.

16- “The elephants knew the way to the lake, if we stay here every day they will come and kill some of us, we should move now to protect ourselves”.

[Grammar]: the use of the tense>>> “know” is present, past is what should be used.

[Style]: and if we stay here---- >>> “if” is enough why “and” too.

17- , but the old rabbit said:---

[Punctuation]: a comma should place before “but”, so “but” shouldn’t be capitalized.

18- I have an idea!

[Punctuation]: no need for period after exclumination mark >>> !.

19- And he said loudly: ya elephants, the moon --- he is angry with you.

[style]: it is one sentence why it is divided into two sentences.”The old rabbit went to the elephants land and climbed over a tree branch, so elephants could not step on him with their heavy feet. He called on them and said: "The Moon send me to you to tell you that he is angry because of you”.

[word choice]: not the best choice>>> called on means if you call on someone, you say publicly that you want them to do something or it means you pay them a short visit, so “said loudly” is better.

[word choice]: incorrect word >>>”he is angry because of you” >>”angry with you” is the correct word.

20- The elephants looked at the Moon and saw the clouds covering the Moon so they got scared and believed the old rabbit.[Word choice]: incorrect word >>> moon’s face.[Style]: too much using of conjuncture “and”.

21- They asked him:---

[word choice]: incorrect word >>>”said” is incorrect because the following is a question, so they asked him a question.

22- Apologize to him and swear ---

[meaning]: to clarify the meaning to whom they should apologize is better to write ”to him” than only “there”.

23- The elephants went to the lake and saw the reflection of the moon moving in the water because of the weaves, so that made them more scared than before.

[Word choice]: not the best word >>> they “went” somewhere, not “arrived”.

[word choice]: incorrect word >>> it is not the moon’ picture, it is the moon’s reflection on the lake.

[word choice]: not the best word >>>”moving” is more suitable here than “shaking”.

[word choice]: incorrect word >>> The elephants arrived to the lake and saw the

picture of the Moon shaking in the water because of waves, and that made them more scared than before. The conjunct or “and” doesn’t give the sense of a result, when they saw the reflection of the moon moving on the water, the y got scared.”So” is the correct word.

24- Elephants stepped back swearing and ---

[Word choice]: not the best word >>> “elephants went back” went gives the reader impression that they already left.

25- You are a wise rabbit and you deserve to be the king more than me, it is your rightful position.

[Style]: I prefer this sentence more than “you are a wise rabbit and more rightful to be the king”.

26- The rabbits started to work on farming again dancing and singing of joy and happiness.

[Style]: I prefer this sentence more than “The rabbits became happy and went to work on farming again. They were dancing and singing”.