Disclosure & Vulnerability

Listening

Semira Rahemtulla

Sept 20, 2016

Who am I?

• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell

• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire(IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)

• UX Designer @ Vividence(Acq by Keynote)

• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer Science

Semira RahemtullaCofounder of InnerSpace

First Exercise

If You Really Knew Me

(right now)…

Exercise #1: If You Really Knew Me (right now)…

• Each person gets 2min to complete the

sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”

• No responses except “Thank you”

Exercise #2

Do Your Best Listening

Exercise #2: Do Your Best Listening

• Find a partner in the room, go sit with them.

• Pick a Person A & Person B

• Wait for further instructions

Exercise #2: Do Your Best Listening

• Person A: 4min to talk about an irritating situation

• Person B: Do your best listening

• Then switch

Take notes on your experience being heard

• How are you feeling?

• What kinds of questions did your listener ask?

• What is the outcome of the conversation?

How was that?

What were some of the questions people asked?

What was the very best listening you heard?

What made it feel that way?

A Thought Experiment…

On a quiet Sunday afternoon, when your partner says:

“I hate Sundays! I get so stressed on Sundays because Monday

comes next! I hate my job! I wish I could figure out how I could not

have to work there ever again.”

What do you say back?

3 Levels of Listening

1.Listening to win

• Rejecting / tell her she’s wrong

(often nicely)

2.Listening to fix

• Adding new info, asking a question

3.Listening to understand

• Content

• Emotion

• Meaning

- So work is so bad you’d rather not

even go? And you’re frustrated because

you can’t figure out how to get around a

thing you hate?

- That’s not true! Sundays are the

best! You’ve got to enjoy Sundays - at

least it’s not yet Monday.

- You know, Sundays used to be

like that for me, too. You just have to not

think about Monday.

- What’s going on at work?

Why is listening so hard?

Our reflexes are more wired for

this…

…than for this:

Our mental models affect how we listen

How can I get her to

focus on the real issue?

How can I get her to

see it my way?

Why is she being so

difficult?

PEOPLE HAVE

PROBLEMS

Listening to “fix”

What is she saying?

What’s the central feeling?

What is it connected to?

What’s her implicit hope, intent,

or fear?

PEOPLE HAVE

PERSPECTIVES

Listening to understand

Exercise #3

Practice “Level 3” Listening

Exercise #3: Practice “Level 3” Listening

• Person A: 3 minutes to talk about the same issue

• Person B listens at “Level 3” – Listening for

meaning

• Then switch

3 minutes to debrief with each other

• Listener: What meaning did you hear?

• Speaker: Did you feel understood?

Exercise #4

Real-life discussion

Exercise #4: Real-life discussion

Groups of 3

• Discuss a complex issue [15min]

• Practice listening for understanding and making

the other person feel heard BEFORE sharing your

view

Exercise #4: Real-life discussion

Did you feel heard, understood?

What did your partners do well?

What did they miss?

• 3min to write your feedback

• 2min each to share with the group

Exercise #4: Real-life discussion

• 15 more minutes to discuss the issue

• Remember to listen for meaning and make the

other person feel understood, then share your

view