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A guidebook to the home of rudechalets - rudeville.
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09-10
the booklet
booking & info call:+44 (0) 0870 068 7030 email:[email protected] WEB:rudechalets.com
WELCOME TO RUDEvILLEMEET THE LOCALS
snowboarders and heaven-sent snow bunnies on the former grounds of Avoriaz and Morzine. But what makes Rudeville funkier than a Swedish fi lm set? Th e people of course.
So let me introduce you to a town of folk who can get you more excited than a Tom Selleck moustache dance. Welcome to Rudeville.
Bonjour my ski chums. It is I, Sir Francois Smythe III - Mayor and international historian of the snow-covered paradise of Rudeville. You can fi nd this sanctuary of
made from 100% recycled french ski instructors, god bless those red coats
1 2
meet BAR robinsonsRudeville’s main haven of hospitality is run by Jean-Marc & Rosine with their dear friend Nicole. This bar of earthly delights is famous for its service as well as Jean-Marc being ninth in line to the throne of Mesopotamia. After Rosine lost a kidney fighting a local Koala at Blackpool Zoo, all three relocated to Rudeville and opened up Bar Robinsons. Here they welcome all newcomers with open arms and a glass of the local amber nectar Mutzig. Be warned; Bar Robinsons closes at 8pm, as all three frequent my moonlight hot tub sushi parties.
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Address: Rue dU Bourg
RogerCHEZ ROGER
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Address: Rue dU Bourg
meet
Our beloved Chez Roger serves the finest fermented grape juice this side of the Mont Blanc vineyards.
Some foolish types believe the bar is named after Roger but he in fact changed his name to Roger when he bought the bar in 1989. What his name was we know not.
Generally Roger is a mystery to us. Rumour has it he has a tattoo of his face on his face and won his
snowboarding-dog Paul in a bare-knuckle
fight with Brian May.
meet the Rudeville mountain rescue teamIdentical Brazilian brothers Juan, Pablo and Eric’s love of snow began at an early age watching repeats of Ski Sunday on pirate TV.
Cutting their teeth on the ever-treacherous slopes of the Tamworth Snowdome, they saved up to three people from certain death. One young girl was saved by an emergency triple-heart-bypass using plastic cutlery from the canteen. And finally in 1998 after passing a local lifesaving course and getting their 5 metre swimming badges they swapped the 32A peaks of the Midlands for the snowy double D’s of Rudeville.
The boys have been here ever since, saving snowboarders from anything that may befall them – broken bones, death or more importantly sunburn.
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shaun’s big day
Every twenty-seven and a half bi-quarterly months the whole town gathers on the whitest peak of the tallest mountain to witness me presenting someone a key to the city.
Our Keyship’s latest recipient is the flame-haired Shaun White.
After much deliberation, cogitation and digestion the Rudeville community choir awarded Shaun and his flowing locks for their outstanding contribution to snowboarding and styling mousse.
At the ceremony he claimed, “This is by far the single most important moment in my life”.
As a Keyman he has complete freedom of my town; being able to soak in any Jacuzzi, hum the intoxicating Grandstand theme-tune every second Sunday of the month and officially marry snowboarding lovebirds.
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This fine specimen of a snowboarder works at the Crepu bar – Winner of the prestigious Best Paintings of Cows on a Wall Award - three years running.
Jonny has been here for nine years, ever since turning up on the back of an albino Mongolian Yak during a whiteout. With nothing more than a snowboard under his arm Jonny has ingratiated himself into the fabric of life in Rudeville.
Ask Jonny about his past and he’ll dazzle you with escapades of his time as a quasi-New York Pimp and the first snowboarding ventriloquist.
7Address: Taille de Mas du Pleney
Jonnyfreeridethe crepu
meet
meet JP & slopestyle
JP is the quintessential businessman who owns Slopestyle – Rudeville’s premier skiwear shop.
I like to think of him as the Italian Gerard Depardieu of the boot-fitting world.
How this laidback boarder juggles running his shop 24/7, riding five snowboards at one time and training Mexican wrestling midgets only he knows.
8Address: Rue dU Bourg
Please allow me to take off my ceremonial chest hair and hat to my thirteenth son Elvis, who’s just won the prestigious Rudeville Goggle Tan Line Tournament.
With a fountain of competition from the likes of Essex’s championee Jodie Marsh and my favourite bronzing sensation Dale Winton, Elvis had to pull out something of a special nature.
And the fruit of my burning loins wowed the judges with his seventy-two-hour naked stint on the slopes giving him a sensational mocha tan-line.
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meet Elvis Schumichael
I give you Russ – proprietor of late night haunt The Cavern. It’s cooler than an ice sculpture of Michael Knight.
Many a snowboarder has succumbed to its plentiful charms, such as Russ’ caramel shots, the favoured tipple of ex-queen of England, Mon Cheri Blair.
As well as running The Cavern, Russ is an amateur vet and professional taxidermist. So what you might lose in a pet you’ll gain in a fabulous lampshade. I have one of my third wife.
meet Russ-the cavern
10Address: TAILLE DE MAS DU PLENEY
rude chalets isthe only
test centRE in the alps
for more info see p22 or email
meet Napoleon the All knowing
We take the weather more seriously than a moose on the motorway. With lives at stake we can’t aff ord to leave it to mere men. Th at’s why we employ Napoleon our prized weather pig.
With a sniff of one nostril he can tell you the cloud cover, air pressure and what overly-bright ski jacket to wear that day.
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RUDEvILLE SkI AREA
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The Stash – A sweet gem of snowboarding goodness. If you love off-piste free-styling without the off piste then my dears this one’s for you.
Snowpark – A fave celeb hotspot. With the likes of Terry Nutkins, Anneka Rice and Duncan from Blue shredding the white stuff.
The Pipe – Created by the world’s finest semi-professional snowboarding Chilean plumbers.
Apartments R1 & R2 – Our newest apartments will make you happier than a Frenchman with self-removing trousers.
Chalet Christophe – The first chalet ever built. Before this snowboarders had to holiday in caves heated with bunsen burners donated by the science department of a local comprehensive school.
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Off piste paradise – Favourite haunt of resident Yeti, Dave. He claims it’s the best area to get away from everyone and just go wild.
Chalet Joseph – Named after the Rudeville Theatre Company’s multi awarding winning production, Joseph and His Technicolour Dream Board.
Dave’s cave – ?
Lake Rude – Go ice diving and see the leftovers of the first caveman snowboarder, said to be over 1300 years old.
Chalet Chapelle – Open the windows at night and you can hear the fabled snowboarding Morris dancers waving their hankies to the moon.
Look to the sky – In 1974 America relocated Area-51 to the mountains of Rudeville because it’s a very well known fact aliens love to grind.
Th e lady Iris is our oldest snow darling, at sixty years young this geriatric grinder needed a new challenge so she got in touch with the rudegirls™ team.
Th is group of fi ne young damsels in snowdress run a weeklong course held at Chalet Joseph created specially for the Eves of the snowboarding world. Any lady can join their small group and learn to shred the slopes with confi dence, grace and of course glamour.
Plus you snow crazy damsels will go night-sledging, learn yoga with Taiwanese instructor Sergi and fi nish with our award winning awards night.
meetiriswaters
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book your place at
RudegirlstM
Week now
for more info see p23 or email
Si is the new guide to the Rudeville slopes. His knowledge of these parks are second to none, round here he’s affectionately known as the Rain Man of Rudeville.
He can board across our snowy peaks blindfolded, with his arms tied behind his back while singing Rick Astley’s greatest hits and still find the best jumps.
And when Si isn’t guiding, you can find him two-stepping with his dog display team, soon to be seen in Coventry Hippodrome’s stage production of Cujo.
meet
SI the guide
17CHris - helen - dan
meet the rude chalets team
I give you Chris and Helen, owners of rudechalets™ and Dan, the rude team manager. rudechalets™ are the single most-greatest chalets in the history of chalets. Some say it’s the reason Rudeville exists, but all we know is they will blow your mind like a mouthful of lemmings high on fizzy cola bottles.
An independent study conducted by the owners found that rudechalets™ were indeed kickass and are in fact the only place to stay in Rudeville.
We can’t rate these guys highly enough, they’re obsessed with snowboarding meaning they’re true Rudevillians. After setting up a series of chalets in Rudeville they’re now off to open the first ski chalet in a live volcano.
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Rude Chaletsthe only plaCE to stay
in Rudeville
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Say hello to Gerard our sceptical arrow illustration who dared to believe rudechalets™ aren’t the best chalets this blue dot has ever worshipped.
You’re invited to join him on his tour of the chalets.
“Awesome, it has windows,
one for each room.”
“The last location of the
official Santa sighting.”
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“Internet a
nd a car cu
t in
half, oh these
guys are so cra
zy.”
“Tons of art on the wall for my perusal, who could
ask for more?”
“A guitar so I serenade
girls with my renditions
of Michael Bublé.”
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“An XBOX!!! Th at means games,
music, karaoke. It touches me in
places only my gf should.”
“Cake! Who says I cant have
mine and eat it?”
“A hot tub for m
e and
all my biatc
hes.”
“I can play this when I
attract three new friends with
my snowboarding skills.”
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“Shameless advertising”
“Ah, th
ey have
their
very
own pet
cushions.”
“Th is Burton Test Centre
makes me happier than Mr
Motivator in a spandex shop.”
“Shameless advertising”advertising”
OH MY DAYS!AMAZING PACkED LUNCH BAGS PROvIDED BY THOSE kIND PEOPLE AT
only available at rude chalets
kEEP THAT RUDE CHALETS INFO COMINGCHALET Locations
Chalet Features
Staff
Mountain Hosting WITH SI
Burton Snowboard Test Centre
Important stuff
You want the best ski locations? We got you covered our brightly clothed snowboarding chums.Chalet Joseph and Chalet Chapelle are both located in the centre of Morzine.Chalet Joseph is only 50.12344345 metres from the Super Morzine Lift and Chalet Chapelle is a 5.32minute walk away.Chalet Christophe is within 500.3metres of the Prodains Telecabine.Apartments R1 & R2 ski-in – ski-out in Avoriaz village.
All our chalets are dripping in snow, surf and skate art from some seriously smashing people such as Jono Wood and Robin Puplett. Plus we have lots of original pictures from Cyril and James North and plenty of Burton & Gravis products too.
Each chalet is a treasure trove of awesomeness including Xbox 360s in every bedroom. So you can play the latest Shaun White Snowboarding game, watch movies and listen to Simon or Garfunkel. There’s also table football, board games, books for reading words, a sexy sauna and hot tub.
All rudechalets™ staff are hand picked from the four corners of the world. From birth they’re trained under the strict tutelage of world-renowned maitre d’ and Shaolin Monk Master Yoshi. Each one is trained to cater for mountain royalty, hold a vast knowledge of interesting facts, tell jokes, snowboard their asses off and handstand for six days straight.
With every chalet stay our lord of the mountain Si will show you around the most nut-busting and mind-blowing mountain range know to the manly man – The Portes Du Soleil.
Everyone knows the bright yellow ski pants don’t make the man, it’s the size of his wood. So for all those who love the feel of a good wooden board we have the Burton Test Centre. Here you can exclusively try out the latest Burton boards on the snowy Rudeville peaks. Rent them weekly or daily for all your snowboarding pleasures.
Chalet prices from £349.00 – £689.00Twin or double rooms with en-suite.Halfboard (6 days) with unlimited tea, coffee, hot chocolate, and most importantly wine.Free airport transfer – arrive anytime on a Sunday and leave anytime on a Sunday.
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DATES FOR THE DIARYRudegirls
TM
week 10th–17th January 2010
Burton Test Weekend 11th-14th December 2010
PARk, PIPE & JIB TOUR 11TH–18TH APRIL 2010
rudegirls™ snow week is designed for the lady snowboarders of the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re a tenderfoot or a pro, we will teach you how to snowboard or improve your current skills. In small easy to digest groups our know-it-all instructors will teach you how to snowboard. And when the day is done you can chillax with some alcoholic grape juice and a roaring fire.
This weekend will literally blow your mind. Many a man has lost his on the mountain and we’re aiming to lose a few more this year. Try out the latest Burton’s technology before anyone else, because of our unique time zone we’re actually one season ahead of the rest of the world. So get booked and try out all the new goodies Burton has to offer down at Chalet Chapelle.
Man has legs. Legs were made for snowboarding. As Brian Blessed’s beard is our witness we’ll get as many of you bipeds boarding. During April we’ll train and teach how to park and pipe, with a whole load of jibbing thrown in for free. You’ll receive 4x2hour lessons at an array of snow parks with our instructors. Then ride the powder with rudechalets™ rider Sabrina Kusar and soon to be announced pro from Burton. If that tickles your white bits then book your place now.
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to book
or find out
more infoemail: [email protected]
call: +44 (0) 8700687030
good bye-
Seems there just isn’t enough hours in the day to experience all the delights of Rudeville. I didn’t get to talk about our annual snow-snorkelling race or the grand opening of Cliff hanger the Musical. But you’ll get to savour all these and many more if you visit us.
Well my snow-chums it’s with a heavy heart that I must bid you adieu. It’s so sad that our time together was so short-lived, but goodbyes are fl eeting and I hope we will soon meet again over a glass of chardonnay.
So it’s just for me to say thank you for taking the time to read our guide to Rudeville, and don’t be a stranger because you’re always welcome in our community.
Sir Francois Smythe III - Mayor of Rudeville.
25 To order a copy of our amazing booklet for a friend visit www.rudechalets.com
Rudeville SNOW Party
For more info and to register email
SATURDAY 26TH SEPTEMBER 2009
