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Smile Aerobics
Smile Aerobics
Facial Workouts
PedagoNet
Smile Aerobics Copyright © 2013
This book was produced using PressBooks.com, and PDF rendering was done by PrinceXML.
Contents
1Introduction
part 1. Education31. Teacher And Boots42. Talking Pig53. Test Q & A From Students74. Affection95. Penmanship
106. Adult Education127. No More Lip Prints138. School Answering Machine149. Teacher Arrested1510. Chemistry1711. Baptism1812. Proverbs2013. Seminars For Men2114. Negotiations2215. Feline2316. Elementary School Quizz2517. English Language Instruction2818. Are You A Teacher?3019. Summer School For Men3320. Little Johnny3521. Computers - Male or Female3722. Thinking Outside The Box3923. Summer School Classes (For Women Only)4124. Incognito
part 2. Life4325. Are You Having A Bad Day?4526. Stones4627. Morals4828. Procrastinator's Creed4929. Golf Laws5230. Amphibians5331. Advice5432. Back Pain5533. In Love5634. Impulsiveness5735. Traffic Ticket5936. Superstitious6137. Dear Diary6438. Exercising6539. Feelings
iv
6640. Recipe6741. Farmer6942. Physical Examination7043. Resolutions7144. Jesus And Satan7345. Reindeer7446. Senior Golf7647. Country Bumpkin7848. Christmas7949. Monks8050. Literacy8151. Viagra8252. Bull Fight8353. Debate8554. Canadian Baby8655. Nurse's Revenge8756. Noah's Ark8857. Table Talk8958. Italian Cookies9059. Never Touchin’ the Taser Again!9360. Driver ID9561. Newfoundland Ale Indulgement9762. Helicopters9863. Stevie and Tiger
10064. Short Stories10365. Retirement Q & A10566. God And Forrest Gump10767. Surgical Wonders10968. The Golfer and the Leprechaun11169. Everything Has A Gender11270. Never Question A Drunk11371. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder11572. Water vs Wine11673. Photography11874. Are You Too Old For Halloween?11975. Heaven and Ducks12076. Job Application12377. Alligator Shoes12478. Tips for Handling Telemarketers12579. What Do Retired People Do All Day?12680. Bull or Brilliance12881. Summer Job12982. Computers13083. Health Question & Answer Session13284. Jokes To Offend Everyone13585. Neck Ties13686. Jack The Newfie13787. Phone Calls
v
13888. Amish13989. What Religion is Your Bra?14090. Italian Mafia14191. Wine Flu14292. Sisters14393. A Blonde and Her Horse14494. Men Are Just Happier People14695. Genealogy Of Jesus14896. Colds14997. Why Some Men Prefer Dogs To Wives15098. The Farmer And The Donkey15299. Lawyer Compassion153100. Italian Golfer154101. Two Cows157102. Claude The Hypnotist158103. Dating For Seniors159104. How To Sell Toothbrushes160105. The Miracle Of Toilet Paper161106. Texting For Seniors162107. Scotsman Moves To Canada163108. The Pasta Diet and Your Health164109. How-To Books165110. Canadian Jokes168111. Who Is Norma?169112. Because I'm A Man171113. Master's Golf172114. E-mooning173115. Speech Therapy174116. Longest Nerve In The Body175117. Skinny Dipping176118. Grandpa, What Is Sex?177119. Telephone Tower178120. Lunch With The Girls179121. Nasty Divorce181122. His Name Was Bubba183123. Newfie Diet184124. Medical Conference185125. Medical Diagnosis186126. Salesman187127. Quickies188128. Romance
part 3. Wit190129. Terminology192130. Hillbilly Medical Terms194131. Decisions195132. Canine
vi
196133. Punderful198134. Friars199135. Linguistics201136. Food For Thought203137. Bio-engineer204138. Punderfully205139. News Flash206140. Bumper Stickers208141. Paintings209142. Advertisement211143. Compliance212144. Prescriptions For Women214145. More Chinese Proverbs215146. The Potato216147. Redefining219148. Mergers220149. Matrimony221150. Bad Day At Hallmark223151. Creative Puns For Educated Minds225152. Dead Penguins226153. The New Dictionary of Definitions228154. My Inconclusive Travel Plans229155. 20 Clever Words For Clever People231156. My Job Search
232About PedagoNet
vii
If you have a face, this book is for you.
This book is a ten year compilation of emails received from visitors to my website.(PedagoNet)
Guaranteed to make you smile out loud, this ten year compilation of humour andlaughs is divided into three categories: education, life, wit.
This book is classified as a jump around : page book markers are optional.
Start your facial workout now!
1
1
Education
1
Teacher And Boots
Did you hear about the Calgary teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on hiscowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’twant to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on –this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,“Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to.
And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ‘em.”
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left towrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots…”
Her trial starts next month.
3
2
Talking Pig
A first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for hishome.
She read, “…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon mesir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said ‘Holy %$#@! A talking pig!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
4
3
Test Q & A From Students
1. Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
2. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, andcanoeists.
3. Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
4. Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
5. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
6. Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
7. Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
8. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
9. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
10. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
11. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
5
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainiumcontains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the fivebowels, A,E,I,O,and U.
12. Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
13. Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
14. Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarian Section.”
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
15. Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
16. Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
17. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
18. Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
19. Q. What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
20. Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
21. Q: What is a Hindu?
A. It lays eggs
Test Q & A From Students 6
4
Affection
Professors of different subjects defining the word “ kiss” :
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular or muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
7
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural andit is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term
Bug Us
Affection 8
5
Penmanship
Letter sent by a college student to his dad:
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great.
I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me acard, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
Reply
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr studentbusy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
9
6
Adult Education
New Classes For Men
Classes at our local adult learning centre – Sign-up!
Note:Due to the complexity & difficulty level, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.
Topic 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Tray.
-Step by step, with slide presentation.
Topic 2
Toilet Paper: Does It Grow On The Holder?
-Round table discussion.
Topic 3
Is It Possible To Urinate By Lifting The Seat And Avoid Splashing The Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
-Group practice.
Topic 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And the Floor.
-Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 5
Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into the Sink?
-Examples on video.
Topic 6
Identity Crisis: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
-Helpline support and support groups.
10
Topic 7
Learning How To Find Things, Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down
-Diagrams and floor plans available
Topic 8
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
-Graphics and audio tapes
Topic 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.
-Live testimonials. (may be deleted due to unavailability of any men able to give testimonials)
Topic 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
-Driving simulation.
Topic 11
Learning About Life: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
-Online class and role playing.
Topic 12
How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. –
-Exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 13
How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates AndCalling When You’re Going To Be Late.
-Cerebral shock therapy sessions (Full lobotomies offered)
11 Smile Aerobics
7
No More Lip Prints
A school was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would putit on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens oflittle lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean themirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of themirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
12
8
School Answering Machine
“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all your options before makinga selection:
To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
To complain about what we do –Press 3
To cuss out staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyersmailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0
“If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/ her ownbehavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child(ren)’s lack of effort,hang up and have a nice day!”
13
9
Teacher Arrested
At New York’s Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher wasarrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and acalculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member ofthe notorious al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, andsometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determinedthey belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to every triangle’.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weaponsof math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”
14
10
Chemistry
Logico deductivism in Thermodynamics
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet,which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands andheats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that soulsare moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different Religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if You are not a member of their religion youwill go to Hell.
Since there are More than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for thetemperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as soulsare added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature andpressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
15
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature andpressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, “…that it will bea cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded inhaving sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am surethat Hell is exothermic and willnot freeze.
The student received the only “A” given.
Chemistry 16
11
Baptism
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will youbaptize us?”
“Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at atime.
Then he said, “Now go out and play.”
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked,”What religion do you think we are?”
The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”
We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you.”
The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water!”
“Yeah! What do you think that means?”
“I think it means we’re Pisscopalians.”
17
12
Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs.
She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You… Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than… Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The… Bug Is Close.
It’s Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of… Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But… How?
Don’t Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.
No News Is… Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.
You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New… Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You’ll… Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust… Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.
Where There’s Smoke, There’s… Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.
Two’s Company, Three’s… The Musketeers.
Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.
18
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And… You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As… Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don’t Succeed… Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Eddie.
19 Smile Aerobics
13
Seminars For Men
Note : All seminars will be prepared by women.
1. How to fill an ice tray.
2. You too can do housework.
3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. Parenting: It doesn’t end with conception.
5. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am
6. “The weekend” and “sports” are not synonyms.
7. Get a life; learn to cook.
8. How not to act like an idiot when you’re obviously wrong.
9. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost.
10. Reasons to give flowers.
11. How to stay awake in public.
12. Garbage: Getting it to the curb.
13. How to put the toilet lid down.
14. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency.
15. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes.
16. Reasons to call home.
17. Mothers-in-law: They are people too .
Golf Help For You
20
14
Negotiations
Negotiations between the teachers and the Board were at an impasse.
Hours of discussion had centred around abuse of sick days.
Negotiations were set to continue the following morning.
As both sides looked at each other across the table, the Board’s chief negotiator held up the morning paperand loudly stated “..and this teacher called in sick yesterday.”
There on the front page of the sports section was a picture of a teacher who had won a local golf tournamentwith an excellent score.
The union negotiator looked at the picture an then calmly stated: “Just think of what his score could havebeen if he wasn’t sick!”
Negotiations for the day ended.
Bug Us
21
15
Feline
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.
“Dead,” she was informed.
“How do you know?”, she asked.
“Because I pissed in his ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher squealed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ and he didn’t move.”
22
16
Elementary School Quizz
Answer Yes or No
1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
2. Do you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to happy hour as “snack time”?
6. Do you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
7. Do you say “I like the way you did that” to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?
8. Do you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to yoursatisfaction?
9. Do you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
11. Do you fold your spouse’s fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?
Scoring :
-If you answered yes to 4 or more, it’s in your soul–ou are hooked on teaching. And if you’re not a teacher,you missed your calling.
-If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it’s *too much* inyour soul–ou should probably beginthinking about retirement.
-If you answered yes to all 12, forget it–ou’ll *always* be a teacher, retired or not!
23
17
English Language Instruction
We’ll begin with box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot… would a pair be beet?
If one is a tooth, and a whole set is teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be beeth?
If the singular is this, and the plural is these,
Why shouldn’t the plural of kiss be kese?
Then one may be that, and three be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose.
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
25
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim.
So our English, I think you will agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.
I take it you already know of tough, and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you on hiccough, through, slough and though.
Well done!
And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it’s said like bed, not bead!
For goodness sake, don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there’s dose and rose and lose
Just look them up and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start.
A dreadful language: Why, man alive, I’d learned to talk when I was five.
And yet to write it, the more I tried, I hadn’t learned it at fifty-five.
English Language Instruction 26
18
Are You A Teacher?
You might be a teacher if…
* You want to slap the next person who says “It must be nice to have all those holidays!”
* You can tell it’s a full moon without looking outside.
* When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behaviour.
* You can ‘hold on’ until after lunchtime yard duty.
* You can go to the loo, take a phone call, have a conference with a colleague, tend to first aid and have acup of coffee in 20 minutes.
* You check for spelling and punctuation errors in every piece of writing you see.
* You walk around shopping centres wearing face paint, stickers and a daisy chain, and don’t even noticethe stares.
* You look 50 before you are 30.
* You can’t pick a name for your unborn child as every name reminds you of a student.
* When you can’t get your friends to listen to you, you put your hands on your head or clap or flick thelights off.
* You rate the educational value of cartoons.
* You count you life in periods of ten weeks (depending on term length).
* You can’t go anywhere without thinking ‘what a great place for an excursion!’
* You cringe at the way bank tellers grip their pens.
* You don’t know the date, but you know it’s day 5, week 4, term 4.
* You believe the staffroom should have a Valium salt lick.
* You believe that unspeakable evil will befall if someone says “gee, the kids sure are mellow today.”
* Meeting a child’s parents instantly answer ‘why is this child like this?’
* You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
28
* You get a warm inner glow when just one child says “thank you for helping me.”
29 Smile Aerobics
19
Summer School For Men
NB: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their content, class sizes will be limited to 8 participantsmaximum.
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays–Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks,
Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll–Does It Change Itself?
Round Table
Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls andNearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor – Pictures and ExplanatoryGraphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
30
Class 6
Loss Of Identity–Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things–Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The HouseUpside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch–Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights;
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM
Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live–asic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
31 Smile Aerobics
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy–emembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates andCalling When You’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven–hat It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Golf Help For You
Summer School For Men 32
20
Little Johnny
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’
No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said : Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’
Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network
A kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to abulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
Yes, said the policemen. The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs andrump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’
His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in goodshape before I buy.
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Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.
Little Johnny 34
21
Computers - Male or Female
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike Englishnouns are designated as eithermasculine or feminine.
House for instance is “la casa”.
Pencil, however is masculine : el lapiz
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked themto decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’),because:
1.No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyoneelse;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessoriesfor it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten abetter model.
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22
Thinking Outside The Box
Great students’ responses to teacher questions:
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
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Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand,what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Thinking Outside The Box 38
23
Summer School Classes (For Women Only)
NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class sizes will be limited to amaximum of 8 participants.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?
Group Debate.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Class 5
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
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Open Forum.
Class 8
Health Watch – They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!
Real Life Testimonials.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
Class 11
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Summer School Classes (For Women Only) 40
24
Incognito
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, ‘Hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he asks, ‘Do you know me?’
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all mybuddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.
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2
Life
25
Are You Having A Bad Day?
Well, then, consider this…
In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about11:00 am., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am. on Sunday, so a worldwideteam of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waitedoutside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward andunplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At aspecial ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amidcheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breakinghis arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you’re having a Bad Day?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampedingmadly.
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The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “Return toSender” stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
Bug Us
Are You Having A Bad Day? 44
26
Stones
There once was an Oklahoma Indian whose given name was “Onestone”, so named because he had onlyone testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said:”If anyone callsme Onestone again Iwill kill them!”
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone…”
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and allnight.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned tothe village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said:”Good to see you, Onestone…”
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, and all night, and allthe next day, and all the next night…but, Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!!!!
What is the moral of this story?
Moral : You can’t kill two birds with one stone!
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27
Morals
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on therabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull.
‘They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the firstbranch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
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As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out andate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
Videos For You
47 Smile Aerobics
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Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I expect to receivefrom missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and areprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around toit.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the moreinsignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but wait/wait/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the Ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (The Procrastinator’s Society) ifthey ever get it organized.
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29
Golf Laws
LAW 1
No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the courseof a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever.
The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.
Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greaterits attraction to water.
LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.
If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5:
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You lookedup,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6:
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7:
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.
The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8:
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Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9:
Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10:
Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11:
Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
Law 12
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group.
Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, aconvicted murderer and an IRS agent.
LAW 13:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14:
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water(see Law three).
LAW 15:
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16:
“Nice up” can usually be translated to “lousy putt. “Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “wayto miss an easy one”.
LAW 17:
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust yours score to what it really should be.
LAW 19:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
Golf Laws 50
LAW 20:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
Golf Help For You
51 Smile Aerobics
30
Amphibians
Two young frogs fell into a bucket of milk.
Both tried to jump to freedom, but the sides of the bucket were steep and no foundation was to be had onthe surface of the liquid.
Seeing little chance of escape, the first frog soon despaired and stopped jumping.
After a short while he sunk to the bottom of the bucket and drowned.
The second frog also saw no likelihood of success, but he never stopped trying.
Even though each jump seemed to reach the same inadequate height, he kept on struggling.
Eventually, his persistent efforts churned some milk into butter.
From the now hardened surface of the milk, he managed to leap out of the bucket.
The moral of the story:
Those who don’t give up and are persistent may be in for a pleasant surprise!
Bug Us
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31
Advice
15 Pieces of Advice for Women
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man, unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? … You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon … they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander –it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well … they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same –they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men … most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’task for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
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Back Pain
Michel, Ron and Peter were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined themin the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, Michel asked humbly: “Jesus, I’vesuffered from back pain ever since I played too many games at Sable Trace. Could you help me?”
“Of course, my son,” Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back he felt relief for the first time inyears.
Ron, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anythingabout his poor eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them into the lake.
When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to Peter, the guy put his hands out defensively.
“Don’t touch me!” he cried, “I’m on a disability pension.”
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33
In Love
Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her.
On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how theywould continue the relationship.
“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” Ed said to his lady friend.
“I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.”
“Well, if we’re being honest with each other, here goes,” she replied. “I’m a hooker.”
“I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.
Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you teeoff.”
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34
Impulsiveness
Two young vampire bats are hanging upside down from the ceiling of a cave.
One says to the other: “Hey, why wait for dusk? Let’s leave now to bite the legs of cows.
We’ll beat all the others there and get the best blood.”
The other urges him to wait, reminding his friend that bats only go out at dark when they won’t be blindedby the sunlight and their radar works better.
The first bat says “I’m gonna go now.” and bolts out of the cave entrance into the daylight.
A short while later, the impulsive bat returns to the cave covered in blood.
His patient friend, now envious, says “Wow! You hit the mother lode!
Where did you get all that blood?”
The first bat leads the second bat to the cave entrance, points out, and says “See that building over there?”
Blinded by the sunlight, his squinting companion replied “No”.
“Neither did I.”
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35
Traffic Ticket
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for travelling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warninginstead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
“Fred,” he replies.
“Fred what?” the officer asks.
“Just Fred,” the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?”
The man replies : “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling.
I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was FredDingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream.
Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.
She gave me VD.
So, I was Fred Dingaling , MD DDS with VD.
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Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling , MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away myMD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my ‘dingaling’ so now I’m just Fred.”
The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.
Traffic Ticket 58
36
Superstitious
There was a man named George who got a new job.
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday.
They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.
He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again.
He shows up right on time, golf’s left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and thenalways winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
You never are.
Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win.
What is up with that?
George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife.
If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed.
If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”
”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?”
George replies, ”Then I am 6 minutes late.”
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Superstitious 60
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Dear Diary
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the localhealth club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it wouldbe a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself asa 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed but it was well woth it when I arrived at the health clubto find Belinda waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess — with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobicsoutfit.
I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching fromholding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!
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My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth backand forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine thatis VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back ina full snarl.
I couldn’t help being a h half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine —which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate Belinda maore than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of theworld.
Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader.
Dear Diary 62
If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don’t have any triceps.
And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything thatweighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did notshow up today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours ofthe Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
63 Smile Aerobics
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Exercising
It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about $400.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier
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Feelings
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me…and as we wind down the summer weall could use a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read: “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started”.
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished….and before leaving thehouse this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey’s, Kahlua and WildTurkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freakin good I feel.
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Recipe
Chicken rather than turkey at Thanksgiving
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for popping sounds.
When the chicken’s ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.
Bug Us
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41
Farmer
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question?
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of theaccident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question..”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear whathe has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stopsign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
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Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said
“How are you feeling?”
“Now what the hell would you say?”
Farmer 68
42
Physical Examination
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, “Well, Running Doe, you are infine health. I could find no problems.
I did notice one anomaly, however.”
“Oh, what is that, Doctor?”
“Well, you have no nipples.”
“None of the people in my tribe have nipples,” she replied.
“That is amazing,” said the doctor. “I’d like to write this up for The American Journal of Medicine if youdon’t mind.”
She said, “OK.”
“First of all” asked the doctor, “how many people are in your tribe?”
She answered, “Approximately 500.”
“And what is the name of your tribe?” asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied,
“We’re called…
“The Indiannippleless Five Hundred”
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Resolutions
Choose your New Year’s resolution :
1. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away andbarefoot.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgement.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
10. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
11. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move mycomputer into the bedroom.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told youso!”
13. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?
14. I honour and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
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44
Jesus And Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough.
I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does thebetter job.”
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They didspreadsheets.
They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rainpoured, and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming: “It’s gone! It’s all GONE! I lost everything when the powerwent out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair!
He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”
God just shrugged and said,
“Jesus saves.”
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Reindeer
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlersin the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late Novemberto mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them,from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should have known…
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-a$$ man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one nightand not get lost.
Videos For You
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Senior Golf
Rule #1
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to thedistance it carried or rolled in the rough with no penalty.
Senior players should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
Rule #2:
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game.
The player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled had it not hit the tree and can play theball from there.
Rule #3:
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball.
The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else,making it a stolen ball.
The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.
Rule #4:
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping in it is “deemed to have dropped”.
The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
Rule #5:
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they can be blown in, may be blown in.
This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole.
No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule #6:
There is no penalty for so called “out of bounds”.
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If penny-pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur.
The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule #7:
There is no penalty for ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float.
That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome.
Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer’s shortcomings.
Rule #8:
Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes, etc.
Since this is financially impossible for the average senior golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted forusing old equipment
Golf Help For You
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Country Bumpkin
You Might Be From a Small Town If:
You can name everyone you graduated with.
You get a whiff of manure and think of home.
You know what 4-H is.
You ever went to “headlight parties.”
You used to drag “main.”
You said the ‘f’ word and your parents knew within the hour.
You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones wouldbust you and which ones wouldn’t.
You ever went cow-tipping.
School gets cancelled for state sporting events.
You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were oldenough they’d tell your parents anyhow).
When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to thecountry and drive on back roads to smoke them.
You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care ofyouself.
No place sells gas on Sunday.
Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watchingtruckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10).
You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks.
It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
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You ordered your waredrobe out of a catalog.
You had senior skip day.
The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
You don’t give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn byMarty’s house, go two blocks past Sanderson’, and it’s four houses left of the track field).
77 Smile Aerobics
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Christmas
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizesChristmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said “you may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man from Newfoundland started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled outa pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The Newfie replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
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Monks
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a smallerror in the first copy, it would never be picked up.
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point,my son.”
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held asarchives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, “We forgot the “R”, we forgot the “R”.
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was ‘celebrate’.”
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Literacy
After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,” Osama
himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, and then to the NSA, then to the Secret Service.
With no clue as to it’s meaning, they eventually asked Canada’s RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police)for help.
The RCMP cabled the White House as follows:
“Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down”
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51
Viagra
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.
The doctor said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”
The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”
The doctor said, “That won’t do you any good.”
The elderly gentleman said, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”
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52
Bull Fight
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around inMexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful..
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Ah Senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!”
The cowboy, undaunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation, I’ll have some!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry Senor.
There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning.
If you place your order now, we will be sure to save you this delicacy for tomorrow”
The cowboy placed the order and the next evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of theday.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These aredelicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor … sometimes the bull wins.”
Bug Us
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53
Debate
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy.
If the Pope won,they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate.
However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a“silent” debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Poperaised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and thatthe Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said,”First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both ourbeliefs.”
Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
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“I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten and I could not continue.”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
“What happened?” they asked.
“Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, ‘Upyours.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him,
‘Mr. Pope, we’re staying right here
“”And then what?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.
Debate 84
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Canadian Baby
A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar…. He gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, heannounces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canadian just shrugs, “That’sabout average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy’s a typical Canadian baby boy.”
Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of “WOW!” were heard.
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says “Say, you’re the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth,aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks.
We were gonna call you… so how much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled & concerned. “What happened?
He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.”
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leansinto the bartender & proudly says, “Had him circumcised”.
Videos For You
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Nurse's Revenge
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced: “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over,and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce: “I have to get something. Now youstay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc, haven’t you ever seen someone having theirtemperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”
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Noah's Ark
Everything you need to know about life, can be learned from Noah’s Ark .One: Don’t miss the boat.Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.Six: Build your future on high ground.Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting…
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Table Talk
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? “
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there’s three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions !”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexiblebut reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree !”
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”
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Italian Cookies
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italiananisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, grippingthe railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath. he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out uponwaxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left thisworld a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpledposture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing himback to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenlysmacked with a spatula by his wife…….”Back off!” she said,
“They’re for the funeral.”
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59
Never Touchin’ the Taser Again!
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to “Well, I have out donemyself once again.
“No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.
Here goes. . .
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my“fancy” is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.
The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metalprongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity whileyou flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowingyou adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him aslobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencilneck geek.
If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re truly missing out–ay too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was so disappointed.
Upon reading the directions (we don’t need no stinking directions), I found much to my chagrin that thisparticular model would not create an arch between the prongs.
How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the bluearch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!
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Yipeeeeee!
I’m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the faceof her microwave is.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with onlytwo AAA batteries, etc. , etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (thatwould be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.
He is such a sweet pup, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want someassurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched ; delicately on the bridge of mynose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a twosecond burstwas supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedlymake your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference,pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, “No friggin’ way! “
Frigging way –trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I’m sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as if to say, “Don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ol’ thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rationalthinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree? ).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight–always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decisionafter the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya just hate that? )
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAMN! ! !
91 Smile Aerobics
I’m pretty sure that Jesse Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then bodyslammed me on the carpet over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedlythinking to himself, “Do it again, do it again! “
(NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution.
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor. . Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t dislodge one of the prongs 1/4″ deep into your thighlike yours truly. )
SON-OF-A-***** ; that hurt! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point),I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get there? ? ?
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take anounce or two, I’m pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.
I’m offering a reward. They’re round, ! kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss ‘em; surewould like to get ‘em back.
Never Touchin’ the Taser Again! 92
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Driver ID
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn : New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window : Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator : Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator : California *with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror : Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat : Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game : Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator andboth on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window : Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down thecentre of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road :Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one handgoing between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodlesteering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment : Texasfemale
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watchfor visible emissions from their own or another’s car : Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firingrepeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pickup any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter : Colorado resident on spotting a car withTexas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attachedto antenna : West Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel : Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in theleft lane with the left blinker on: Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um”
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Newfoundland Ale Indulgement
A Newfie walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it’s filled to the brim with $10bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,”What’s up with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”
“Pay first, those are the rules.” says the bartender.
So the Newfie gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.
“OK,” the bartender says, “here’s what you need to do: First –You have to drink that entire gallon of peppertequila the whole thing, all at once…and you can’t make a face while doing it.
Second, –There’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, –There’s a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You’vegotta make things right for her.”
The Newfie is stunned. “I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it!
You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things….”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on and the Newfie has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
“Wherez zat teeqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear ahuge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
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They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then…………silence.
Just when they think the Newfie surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt rippedand large bloody scratches all over his body.
Now,” he says, “where’s the old woman with the sore tooth?
Newfoundland Ale Indulgement 96
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Helicopters
Morris and his wife Ester went to the state fair every year.
Every year, Morris would say : “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.
Esther always replied : “I know, Morris but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
A few years later, Ester and Morris went to the fair.
Morris said :” Ester, I am 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied : ” Morris, that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
The pilot overheard the couple.
He said : “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you!
But if you say one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Morris and Ester agreed…and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned and said : By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out butyou didn’t. I’m impressed.”
Ester replied : “Well, I was going to say something when Morris fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.
Bug Us
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Stevie and Tiger
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner.
Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How’s the singing career going?”
Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”
Woods replies, “Not too bad. I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that going rightnow.”
Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not thinkabout it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”
Tiger says, “You play golf?”
Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”
Woods says, “But you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”
Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me.
I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway andagain I play the ball toward his voice.”
“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.
Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on theground, and I just play the ball toward his voice.”
Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”
Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”
Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for lessthan $10,000 a hole.”
Woods, thinking he’s in for some easy money replies, “OK, I’m up for that.
When would you like to play?”
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Stevie says, “Pick a night.”
Golf Help For You
99 Smile Aerobics
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Short Stories
Women’s Revenge
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evilthing I could do to him legally.”
Understanding women (a man’s perspective)
I know I’m not going to understand women.
I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out bythe root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife
Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know each others likes anddislikes.”
He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?
Cigarettes and Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
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He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–o-ooo much cheaper.So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the sametime”.
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; Godmade me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get ourcoffee. “
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is yourjob, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, thatit indeed says ………. “HEBREWS”
101 Smile Aerobics
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an earlymorning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake meat 5:00 AM.”
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.” Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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Retirement Q & A
And they ask why I like retirement !
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
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Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest.
Videos For You
Retirement Q & A 104
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God And Forrest Gump
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entranceexamination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam.
Sure hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance tothink the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one —which two days in the week begin with the letter
“T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but you do have apoint, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?” asks St. Peter.
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“How many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer canbe twelve.”
Confounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!?
Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . .”
“Hold it, ” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn’tquite what I had in mind…..but I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let’s go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?
“Sure” Forrest replied, “its Andy.”
Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
“Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in theworld did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of
God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied.
“I learnt it from the song. . . . “ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLSME I AM HIS OWN. . . .”
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run.”
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Surgical Wonders
The trials of losing an arm.
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.
“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no, my golfing days over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm.
I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc, as long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into thesurgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,I’m playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my ownclothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in water colors.”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are youhaving any other side effects?”
“Well, just one,” said the golfer. “Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”
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The Golfer and the Leprechaun
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’sball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
“Arrgh! What happened?” the Leprechaun asked.
“I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,” the golfer says.
“Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?”
“Thank God, you’re all right!” the golfer answers in relief.
“I don’t want anything. I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.”
And the golfer walks off.
“What a nice guy,” the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him.
I’ll give him the three things I would want….a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantasticsex life.”
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
“Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,” the little guy says.
“I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?”
“My game is fantastic!” the golfer answers.
I’m an internationally famous golfer now.”
He adds, “By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.”
“Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
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And tell me, how’s yer money situation?”
“Why, it’s just wonderful!” the golfer states.
“When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn’t even know were there!”
“I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how’s yer sex life?”
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,and says shyly, “It’s OK.”
“C’mon, c’mon now,” urged the Leprechaun, “I’m wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?”
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, “Once, sometimes twice a week. ”
“What??” responds the Leprechaun in shock. “That’s all?
Only once or twice a week?”
“Well,” says the golfer, “I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
Golf Help For You
The Golfer and the Leprechaun 110
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Everything Has A Gender
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrongbuttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course,there’s the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it’d be male , didn’t you?
But consider this –it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know theright buttons to push, he keeps trying!
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Never Question A Drunk
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as Iplaced the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeedsingle.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that couldhave tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right.
But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”
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Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailboxearlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice thatthe can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as wellpay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk, where I find the can ofCoke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knockit over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–hey need tobe watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searchingfor all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly I spot the TV remote.Someone left it on the kitchen table.
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I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember thatit’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day… the driveway is flooded, the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warmcan of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only one check in my check book, I can’t find the remote, Ican’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled, because I know I was busyall day long, and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone I know, because I don’t remember who I havesent it to.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder 114
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Water vs Wine
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we wouldhave absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) becausealcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
WATER = POO
WINE = HEALTH
Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.
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Photography
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now.The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hopingto make a sale.
“Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”.
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on thebed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.
You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positionsand I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’msure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done onthe top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well –when you consider their mother was so difficult to workwith.”
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“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling –I could hardly concentrate, and when darknessapproached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand verylong.”
Mrs. Smith fainted.
Bug Us
117 Smile Aerobics
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Are You Too Old For Halloween?
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: “Great Boris Karloff Mask,” and you’re not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or .” and can’t remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. And the number one reason Seniorsshould not go Trick Or Treating…
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
Videos For You
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Heaven and Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven –don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best, the first woman accidentallysteps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says:
“Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t missa thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, isvery, very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with themost handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
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Job Application
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variablehours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endlesssports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in threeseconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggishtoilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operateddevices.
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Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,constantly retraining and updatingyour skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them becomefinancially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only domore.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stockoptions are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kissesfor life if you play your cards right.
121 Smile Aerobics
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Alligator Shoes
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to paythe high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared:“Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile: “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deepin the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, “CRAP! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!
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Tips for Handling Telemarketers
1) Three Little Words That Work !
The three little words are: ‘Hold On, Please…’
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) wouldmake each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s ‘beep-beep-beep’ tone, you know it’s time to go backand hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.?
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when aperson answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a ‘real’ sales person to call back and getsomeone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your #button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible.
This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what ashame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
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What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about five minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parkingticket.
We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him an idiot.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn’t care.
We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.
It’s important at our age.
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Bull or Brilliance
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles,along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with hisback to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, thatwas one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinksaway into the trees. “Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put thisknowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle seeshim heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with theleopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and seewhat’s going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I goingto do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’tseen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
“Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story :
Don’t mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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Summer Job
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ he said, ‘How much will you charge me?’
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that our porch goes ALLthe way around the house?’
He responded, ‘That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?’
The wife replied, ‘You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve beengetting by e-mail lately.’
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
‘You’re finished already?’ the startled husband asked.
Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.’
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
‘And by the way, ‘ the blonde added, ‘it’s not a Porche, it’s a Lexus.’
Bug Us
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Computers
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked himto come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need tofix it again.’
Richard grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little shit…
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Health Question & Answer Session
I love this DOCTOR!!!!
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise . Everythingwears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you canextend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chopcan give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out ofthe fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio istwo to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You’re not listening…. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. Howcould getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you wanta bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
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A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
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Jokes To Offend Everyone
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
*Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
*The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
*The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
*Because it’s worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
*Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
*Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
*A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
*Their personalities.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
*10 years and 45 lbs
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
*45 minutes
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
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*Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins?
*They can’t stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and goodlooking?
*Because those men already have boyfriends.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
*After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
*The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
*Because they have cotton balls.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
*A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
*Are you sure it’s mine?
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
*Mace will do that to you.
Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays andFridays?
*Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
*A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
*A speech impediment
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
*A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… ‘a recipe’.
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How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
*Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
*A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time ..’ – A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believethis shit…
Videos For You
Jokes To Offend Everyone 134
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Neck Ties
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he sawsomething far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object only to find a little old Jew at a small stand sellingneckties.
The Taliban asked, ‘Do you have water?’ The Jew replied, ‘I have no water.
Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
The Taliban shouted, ‘Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first.
‘OK,’ said the old Jew, ‘it does not matter that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will showyou that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom’.
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back.
‘Your f&%#&&g brother won’t let me in without a tie’.
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Jack The Newfie
Every Friday night after work… sun, snow or rain –Jack, the Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill andcook a moose steak.
But, all of Jack’s neighbours were Catholic.
And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks were causing such a problem for the catholic faithful,that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Jack,and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him,he said: “You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant, but now you are a Catholic.”
Jack’s neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived… and the wonderful aroma of grilledmoose filled the neighbourhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed into Jack’s yard, clutching a rosaryand prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meatand chanted: “You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish.”
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Phone Calls
A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephonemounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the samesign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what itspurpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American .
He then travelled to Indianapolis , Washington DC , Philadelphia , Boston and New York..
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the samephone.
He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, butthis time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve traveled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m toldthat it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son –it’s a local call’.
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Amish
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts:
“Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!”
Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!”
The man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!”
The Amish man shouts back in English: “Use two hands, you’ll get more!”
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What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counterand said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”
What type of bra? asked the clerk.
Type? inquires the man, There’s more than one type?
Look around, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape size, color and materialimaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded: It is all really quite simple:
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
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Italian Mafia
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed.
“Lissin’ a me.
I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber revolver, so you will always remember me.”
The grandson smiles weakly and replies; “But grandpa, I really donna a lika guns.
Howz about you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?”
Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice; “Shuddup an lissin’.
Somma day, you gonna runna da business.
You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home, and maybea a couple of bambinos.”
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues; “Somma day, you gonna comma home, and maybefind you wife inna bed with another man.
Whadda you gonna do then, …. pointa to you watch and say “Times up”?”
Golf Help For You
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91
Wine Flu
I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.
I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache,nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.
From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now callingWine Flu.
This debilitating condition is very serious – and it appears this is not an isolated case.
Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.
To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of teaand a bit of a lie down.
However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and take some Advil (Advilseems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu).
Others are reporting a McDonald’s Happy Meal can also help in some cases.
If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has beenshown to do the trick.
Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hourperiod.
NOTE
If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu.
This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms aredetected as a serious case of eye-rolling.
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Sisters
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breedtheir own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you todrive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’vebought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.”
The operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive outhere to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word is big.
She’ll read it very slowly…. ‘com-for-da-bul.’
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A Blonde and Her Horse
A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time.
With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springsinto motion.
It gallops long at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse’s poundinghooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to hergreat fortune…
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
Bug Us
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Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
?If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
?If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
.When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. Noneof them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
?When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
?A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
?A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
?A man has six items in his bathroom : toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, anda towel.
?The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identifymore than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
?A woman has the last word in any argument.
?Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
?A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
?A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
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?A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
?A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
?A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
?A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
?A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book,and get the mail.
?A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
?Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
?Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
?Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments andromances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
?A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
.A married man should forget his mistakes.
There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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Genealogy Of Jesus
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father’s business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2 He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
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1. He loved large gatherings that served alcohol.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a Woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
Videos For You
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Colds
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an air plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteenseconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently oncemore.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice thatyou’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?”
“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
“I have never heard of that condition before” he said.
“Are you taking anything for it?”
The woman nodded. “Pepper”
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Why Some Men Prefer Dogs To Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
PS:
Ultimate True Test:
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
Then open the trunk and see who’s the happiest to see you.
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The Farmer And The Donkey
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worthit to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take astep up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trottedoff!
Lesson to be learned
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up..
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred –Forgive.
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Free your mind from worries –Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less
NOW …
Enough of that crap.. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
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Lawyer Compassion
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?””“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. ”We have to eat grass.”“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.“The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife… and SIX children with me!”“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.Thank you for taking all of us with you.”The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. ”You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”
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Italian Golfer
A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and an Italian guy from South Philly were waiting onemorning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Italian guy from South Philly fumed, ’What’s with those jerks? We’re waiting fifteen minutes betweenshots!’
The doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’
The rich businessman called out, ‘Move it, time is money!’
The Catholic priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.
Excuse me, sir!’ said the priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’tthey?’
The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’
The doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anythingthat he might be able to do for them.’
The rich businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honour of these bravesouls!’
The Italian guy said, ‘Why the f**k can’t they play at night?
Golf Help For You
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101
Two Cows
DEMOCRATIC:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So?
SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour. You form a cooperative totell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours toget your milk and it is expensive and sour.
CAPITALIST AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY AMERICAN STYLE:
1) You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milkdown the drain.
2) You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and o an IPO on the 2nd one.
AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You force the two cows to produce the milk for four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Nowyour stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION:
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You have your two cows but you go on strike because you want three cows. Then you go to lunch and drinkwine. Life is good for you.
JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You redesign your two cows so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty timesthe milk. The cows learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most of these cows are at the top of theirclass in cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION:
You engineer your two cows so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run ahundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful womanand you break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have your two cows and you have some vodka too. After you had the vodka you count the cows andyou learn that now you have five cows. You have some more vodka and you count the cows again and learnthat now you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch anycreature’s private parts. You get a $ 40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milkproduction but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION:
You have two cows and the cows go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls and your employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION:
You have one cow and this cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes this cow thinks she is French, other timesshe is Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of theFlemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
SCOTTISH CORPORATION:
155 Smile Aerobics
You like to watch cows on the internet whenever you get a minute’s break from work and that is yourfavourite thing to do. After watching the internet cows too long you get confused. You wished you hadsome real cows to look at and often visit farms in your neighbourhood.
BRITISH CORPORATION:
All your cows belong to the queen and you just get to manage them and when dairy prices go up you blameit on the monarchy and try to hurt or kill them.
SPANISH CORPORATION:
You have many cows because you dream of bull fighting in the work week and you want the cows to havemany baby bulls so you can go bull fighting on the weekends.
FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow and everyone voted for the best looking one. Some of the peoplewho actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Somepeople vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION:
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five of the millions of cows speakEnglish and most cows are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders!
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102
Claude The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I’m here to put you into a trance.
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to keep an eye on this antique watch.
It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch thewatch, watch the watch…”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingersand fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SH*T said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Claude was never invited back to entertain.
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Dating For Seniors
Actual ads seen in ”The Villages” Florida newspaper.
FOXY LADY :Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,80′s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′),Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW :I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type, let’s get together,Take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. –
WINNING SMILE :Active grandmother with original teethSeeking a dedicated flossierTo share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES:I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES :I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION :Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
Bug Us
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How To Sell Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach wasto appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them upon current events.”“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.“$2,467,” he said.“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that muchmoney?”“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybodywho walked by a free sample.”They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!”Then I would say, “It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”“I used the government’s strategy of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to getthat taste out of your mouth.”
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The Miracle Of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are toosmall.
Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for afew seconds”.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it betweenmy breasts.
“How long will this take?” I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies.
Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breastslarger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says, ” Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”
He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probablycontinue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
Videos For You
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Texting For Seniors
Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes.I thought the following listing was appropriate .
After all the kids have all their little codes…like BFF, LOL, etc….so here are some codes for seniors:
• ATD – At the Doctor’s• BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral• BTW – Bring the Wheelchair• BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth• CBM – Covered by Medicare• CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center• DWI – Driving While Incontinent• FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers• FWIW – Forgot Where I Was• FYI – Found Your Insulin• GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low• GHA – Got Heartburn Again• HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement• IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?• LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out• LOL – Living on Lipitor• LWO – Lawrence Welk’s On• OMMR – On My Massage Recliner• OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas• ROFL..CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing… Can’t get Up!• TOT – Texting on Toilet• TTYL – Talk to You Louder• WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?• WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again• WTP – Where’s the Prunes• WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
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Scotsman Moves To Canada
A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game .
The first batter approaches the batters’ box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming “Run”
The next batter hits a single.
The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers “RUN RUN”.
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans .
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls: “Walk.”
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, “Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!”
The people around him begin laughing.
Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man’s embarrassment, leans over and explains, “He can’t run —he’s got fourballs.”
The Scot stands up and screams: “Walk with pride, Laddie!”
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The Pasta Diet and Your Health
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4… You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
And…
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians and Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians and Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians and Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Canadians and Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks thanCanadians and Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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How-To Books
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced:
“From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me asumptuous dessert.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied: “The funeral director would be my first guess.”
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Canadian Jokes
Canadian Joke # 1
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, ‘Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona .’
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, ‘I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, aBudweiser.’
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.’
He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, ‘Give me a Coke.’
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, ‘Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?’
The Molson Canadian president replies, ‘Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.’
CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, ‘Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?’
I got it for my wife,eh answers Bob
Oh, exclaims Doug, good trade
CANADIAN JOKE #3
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie.
He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, ‘Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into aNewfie?’
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Sure it’s easy, replied the neurosurgeon. All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain and you’ll be a Newfie.
He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.
However, the neurosurgeon’s knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeonaccidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain.
He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as the patient recovered fromthe anesthetic.
As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him ‘I’m terribly sorry, but there was aghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.’
The patient replied ‘Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?’
CANADIAN JOKE #4
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
CANADIAN JOKE #5
In Canada , we have two seasons…six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
CANADIAN JOKE #6
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, ‘SPIT IT OUT,SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!’
CANADIAN JOKE #7
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
Black pepper or white pepper, asked the concierge
Toilette pepper! yelled the Quebecer
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CANADIAN JOKE #8
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
Well,’ said the American, ‘I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadianand the Scot and I were standing at the gates of
heaven St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of$50, we could return to earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here’
That’s amazing!’ said the one of the doctors, ‘But what happened to the other two?’
Last I saw them,’ replied the American, ‘the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waitingfor the government to pay his.’
Golf Help For You
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Who Is Norma?
A sweet grandmother telephones St. Joseph ‘s Hospital.
She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear.
What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news.
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you.
That’s wonderful.
I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome.
Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit.”
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Because I'm A Man
This is a public service message for women to Better Understand Men.
Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermiahas set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as ifI know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, ‘I used to be able tofix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.’ We willthen drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I liein bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like steaks, milk or bread.I cannot be expected to find exotic items like ‘tofu’ or ‘tampons’. For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despiteevidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it backtogether.
Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thinghas been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it…. Though one time I was able to survive byholding a calculator. (former applies mainly to engineers).
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The true answer is always eithergolf, cars, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t ask.
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at theend of it, I didn’t… and if you are feeling amorous afterwards… then I will certainly at least remember thename and recommend it to others.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes agowas fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You lookfine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, this year, I will share equally in the housework. You just do thelaundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest…… Like hosingdown the patio and wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do next.
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Master's Golf
A man got onto bus with his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (youguessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “Its golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he hadsaid.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Golf Help For You
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E-mooning
A new phenomenon called E-MOONINGWe all know those cute little computer symbols called ‘emoticons,’ where:
means a smile andis a frown.
Well, how about some ‘ASSICONS?’Here goes:(_!_) a regular ass(__!__) a fat ass(!) a tight ass(_*_) an ass hole{_!_} a swishy ass(_o_) an ass that’s been around(_x_) kiss my ass(_X_) leave my ass alone(_zzz_) a tired ass(_E=mc2_) a smart ass(_$_) money coming out of his ass(_?_) dumb Ass
Bug Us
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Speech Therapy
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said “If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of thetown where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and youreyes water. So, who wants to go first?”
The Englishman piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham.”“That’s no use, Trevor,” said the speech therapist. “Who’s next?”The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.“That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish.”“How about you, Paddy?”The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out “London.”“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said “-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.
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Longest Nerve In The Body
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.If you don’t believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eyes.
Videos For You
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Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and someapple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while and look itover.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him: ”We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Some old men can still think fast.
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Grandpa, What Is Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, “Grampa, what issex?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough toknow to ask the question, then she’s old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joysand responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide inamazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey?”
The little girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs.”
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Telephone Tower
Three Newfies were working at the top of a phone tower:
As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, John says, ‘Well, shit, someone’s gotta go and tell Jim’s wife.
Joe says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
John says, ‘Where’d you get the beer, Joe?’ ‘Jim’s wife gave it to me,’
Joe replies.’That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case ofbeer?’
Well, not exactly’, Joe says. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Jim’s widow.”
She said, ‘You must be mistaken.. I’m not a widow.’
Then I said, ‘I’ll betcha a case of beer you are.’
Newfies are good at that sensitive stuff.
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Lunch With The Girls
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at theDairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and BradJohnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreedto meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, theband was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreedto meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if theywent late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreedto meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants andhad nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreedto meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, therestaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for yourcholesterol.
10 years later , the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreedto meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizendiscounts.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, theyagreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant washandicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreedto meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.
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Nasty Divorce
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he puton some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he’d finished his meal, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimpsdipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a fewdays, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later –eventhough they’d cut their price in half –they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bankto purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house.
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He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorcesettlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th ofwhat the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company packeverything to take to their new home
And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods.
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His Name Was Bubba
His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi … And he needed a loan, So… He walked into a bank inNew York City and asked for the loan Officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks andneeded to borrow $5,000and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneckhanded over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12%interest.
Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for usinga $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has workedout very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a DistinguishedAlumni from Ole Miss University , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estateand financial interests all over the world.
Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is,why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The good ‘ole boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07and expect it to be there when I return?”
His name was BUBBA….
Keep an eye on those southern boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.
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His Name Was Bubba 182
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Newfie Diet
A Newfie was terribly overweight, so the doctor put him on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day.
Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
Why, that’s amazing”, the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The Newfie nodded. “I’ll tell you though, be jasuz, I taut I were going to drop dead on dat t’ird day.”
From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“ No, from the skippin.”
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Medical Conference
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in ourdrinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘WeddingCake.’
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Medical Diagnosis
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spreadapart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:”I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says:”No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him:
“We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on thesyndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
“The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought –but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought –but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, ”I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”
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Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young mancarrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning,’ said the young man.
If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-poweredvacuum cleaners.
Go away!” said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, Iwill personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity thismorning.
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Quickies
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table andasked if he was ready to order, “
What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “a quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding“SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”
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Romance
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text.
It read: ‘If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!’
The husband, being the typical non-romantic male, texted her back: ‘I am on the toilet.
Please advise.’
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3
Wit
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Terminology
Politically Correct Terms:
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private-sector funding.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Fail: Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor: Non discretionary fragrance.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Non specifically destinationed individual.
Spendthrift: Negative saver.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.
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Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign…………What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria……………Back door to cafeteria.
Barium……………..What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section…A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan…………….Searching for the cat.
Cauterize…..Made eye contact with her.
Colic……………A sheep dog.
Coma……………A punctuation mark.
D&C…………….Where Washington is.
Dilate………….To live longer than your kids do.
Enema………….Not a friend.
Fester…………Quicker than someone else.
Fibula…………A small lie.
G.I.Series………World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail………..What you hang your coat on.
Impotent………..Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain……….Getting hurt at work.
Morbid…………..A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates…………Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff…….A Doctor’s cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node………………..I knew it.
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Outpatient…………..A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear…………….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis……………….Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative………..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room….Place to do upholstery.
Secretion…….Hiding something
Tablet……….A small table to change babies on.
Seizure……….Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness….Getting sick at the train station.
Tumour……………More than one.
Urine……………Opposite of mine.
Varicose…………Near by
Hospital.. The biggest building in town, other than Joe’s feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill
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Decisions
Once upon a time, there lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate.
In this land, actually rather close to Nate’s house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever.
The lever was ancient and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would triggerthe end of the world.
One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever and began crossing the road so hecould look at it.
At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner and the driver found himself in a dilemma:either hit the snake or end the world.
Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate and went on his merry way.
The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever.
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Canine
There was once a dog named Mace.
Mace was a very good dog but he had one bad habit: eating grass.
He rivalled a lawnmower!
One day, Mace’s owner was working on his car and lost an expensive tool in the back yard.
It was getting dark and the grass was very high so the owner decided to stop and look in the morning.
The next morning, the owner looked outside and there was Mace wagging his tail.
All of the grass had been eaten down to the dirt and in plain sight was the lost tool!
The owner went out and called his dog:
“A Grazing Mace How Sweet the Hound who saved a Wrench for Me!”
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Punderful
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
3. A backward poet writes inverse.
4. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
7. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
8. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
10. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
11. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
12. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
13. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
14. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
15. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
16. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
17. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
18. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
19. Santa’s helpers are subordinate Clauses.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of da feet
21. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
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22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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Friars
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought thecompetition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business.
They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade”them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop!
Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that…
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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Linguistics
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes :
1) That’s not right …………………….Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? ………. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP………………………….Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse…………………………… Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? …………….Wai Yu So Tan
6) I think you need a face lift…………… Chin Tu Fat
7) It’s very dark in here ………………….Wao So Dim
8) I thought you were on a diet ……….Wai Yu Mun Ching?
9) This is a tow away zone……………… No Pah King
10) Our meeting is scheduled for next week … Wai Yu Kum Nao?
11) Staying out of sight …………………..Lei Ying Lo
12) He’s cleaning his automobile …………….Wa Shing Ka
13) Your body odor is offensive……….. Yu Stin Ki Pu
14) Please stay a while longer…………….Wai Go Nao
15) They have arrived………………..Hai Dei Kum
16) I am not guilty…………………Wai Hang Mi
17) I got this for free……………..Ai No Pei
18) You are not very bright …………..Yu So Dum
19) I bumped into a coffee table ………….Ai Bang Mai Ni
20) Stupid man………………………Dum Gai
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Food For Thought
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
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Why isn’t phonetically spelled that way?
Why do they call them Jumbo-Shrimp?
And what’s the point of a “final draft”?
What do humanitarians eat?
Are part time band leaders semi-conductors?
Where does the white go when snow melts?
If you are driving the speed of light and you turn your lights on:
- Do they come on?
- Do your tail lights come on twice as fast?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
If a cow could laugh would milk come up its nose?
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Bio-engineer
A professor in bioengineering had worked many years perfecting a process of reproducing human embryofrom the cells of single human.
Against all odds, he succeeded not only in the reproduction, but also in an accelerated growth process.
He used his own cells for much of his experimentation, and his most successful experiment was a manidentical to him in appearance and age, with almost identical mental and behavioural characteristics.
A major press conference and reception was planned by his university to introduce the man and his creationto the world.
As the date of the reception drew near, the professor became aware of a disconcerting tendency in hiscreature to rude remarks, crude behavior, and pornographic suggestions.
The professor hoped that perhaps the reception might pass without incident, but the episodes of badbehaviour were accelerating at an alarming rate.
Finally, at the reception, which was held in the penthouse of the president of the university, the professorwatched in horror as his creature exposed himself to the hostess.
Realizing that his own reputation as well as the college were about to disintegrate, he motioned his creatureover to the window to speak with him.
With a subtle but powerful move, he shoved his creature through the window and watched him fall to hisdeath many stories below.
He was observed however, and was consequently arrested.
The charges? Making an obscene clone fall.
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Punderfully
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dentalmedication.
Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons upon which to snack. The stewardesstakes one look at the birds and says: “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. Theother stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, becameknown as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it burned in two and sank. Thisproves that you can’t halve your kayak and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar, looks around slowly andgrowls: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
There was a man who sent ten different puns to his friends. He hoped that at least one of the puns wouldmake his friends laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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News Flash
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recenttournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse and hold their meetingelsewhere. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boastingin an open foyer.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of themgoes to a family in Egypt and is named“Ahmal.” The other goes to afamily in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture ofhimself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had apicture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “Hey, they’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set ofcalluses on his feet. He also drank no alcohol and ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with hisodd diet,he suffered from bad breath. This made him… what?…
A sober, callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
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Bumper Stickers
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
Montana —At least our cows are sane!
I love cats…they taste just like chicken.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
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Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes —use birth control.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
Keep honking…I’m reloading….
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
So many stupid people… so few comets.
Your kid may be an honours student, but you’re still an idiot.
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Paintings
A guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks awaywhen his Ford Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such anobvious error, he replied:
“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
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Advertisement
Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?
NEW – Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
EXCLUSIVE –Imported product.
UNMATCHED –Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION –No provision for adjustments.
IT’S HERE AT LAST –Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED –Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY –Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC –No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED –Previous flaws fixed –we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY –Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT –We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH –We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE –Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS –Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE –Heavy as anything
HIGH RELIABILITY –We made it work long enough to ship it.
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Compliance
A woman had a friend who owned two very intelligent porpoises.
They could do amazing tricks, and communicate with humans very well.
After much urging, the owner agreed to sell the porpoises to his friend.
“But remember this,” said the seller: “The porpoises will never die as long as you feed them each one liveseagull every day. As soon as you miss a day, they will die.”
The new owner transported the porpoises to her home, and placed them in her outdoor swimming pool,where she kept them alive and well for some time.
Each day she would go down to the beach, capture two live seagulls, and bring them home to feed to theporpoises.
One day as she was returning home with a live gull in each hand, she found a lion lying across her doorstep,basking in the sun.
She panicked, because she knew that if she didn’t get through to feed the porpoises, they would die.
So she jumped over the lion and ran quickly into the house. Inside, much to her surprise, were two FBIagents who promptly placed her under arrest.
“What’s the charge?” asked the stunned porpoise owner. “What have I done wrong?”
“You, madam,” replied one of the FBI agents, “are being charged for illegally transporting captive gullsacross a sedate lion for immortal porpoises!”
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Prescriptions For Women
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering pre-schoolersunconscious for up to two days.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were asteenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breastsize, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music andpickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want tobe a better person. Can we get naked now?”.
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by man who can’t remember you birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to liftthe toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
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A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with totalstrangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the sameirritation level as nagging him.
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More Chinese Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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The Potato
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a littlesweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and endup with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on theother hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys fromIreland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watchout for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class YukonGolds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘FritoLay.’
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U.(that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’dreally be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry TomBrokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just…
A Common Tater
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Redefining
Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word fromthe dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus:
A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund,which lasts until you realize itnwas your money to start with.
Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky
Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
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Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon:
It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it’s a seriousbummer.
Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
Glibido:
All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
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The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers areasked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
217 Smile Aerobics
willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
gargoyle, n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death,the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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Mergers
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on theground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations :
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge andbecome: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW
9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Bug Us
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149
Matrimony
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents.
“Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says:
“Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him.
Sum Ting Wong ! ! !”
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150
Bad Day At Hallmark
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day.My tire was thumping.I thought it was flatWhen I looked at the tire…I noticed your cat.Sorry!
Heard your wife left you,How upset you must be.But don’t fret about it…She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,I can’t help but wonder… ‘What the hell was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day!Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as youHave such an ugly baby?
I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.After having met youI’ve changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.Before you go..Would you like to take this knife out of my back?You’ll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky, West Virginia
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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.Almost Lifelike!
When we were together,You always said you’d die for me.Now that we’ve broken up,I think it’s time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..<Let’s say we stop?
I’m so miserable without youIt’s almost like you’re here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.So we’re having you put to sleep.
So your daughter’s a hooker,and it spoiled your day.Look at the bright side,it’s really good pay
Videos For You
Bad Day At Hallmark 222
151
Creative Puns For Educated Minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from toomuch pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her “still”.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for, you guessed it… littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow.. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll goon a head.”
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it just hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned toask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet”
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
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22 In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Creative Puns For Educated Minds 224
152
Dead Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go? Wonderno more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complexlife.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form ofcompassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have beenknown to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for thedead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
“freeze a jolly good fellow”
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153
The New Dictionary of Definitions
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
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Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
227 Smile Aerobics
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My Inconclusive Travel Plans
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone.You have to bein Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made severaltrips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activityanymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the oldheart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country it was in. It’s an age thing.
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155
20 Clever Words For Clever People
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook who leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government
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20 Clever Words For Clever People 230
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My Job Search
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’ t concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it–ainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef –figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it…. couldn’t cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn’t fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just toodraining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian –until I realized therewas no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
PS: I am still job hunting. Any suggestions?
Golf Help For You
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