What is Love?What is Love?

IntroductionIntroduction

““Work and love, that’s all there is” – FreudWork and love, that’s all there is” – Freud Finding love is a key developmental event Finding love is a key developmental event

in early adulthoodin early adulthood Psychologists and the public use the word Psychologists and the public use the word

“love,” so it must have “love,” so it must have somesome meaning meaning Today’s lecture is intended to challenge Today’s lecture is intended to challenge

your preconceptions and help you to your preconceptions and help you to establish a working definition of loveestablish a working definition of love

MonogamyMonogamy Only 5% of species, those where both Only 5% of species, those where both

parents needed for child’s survivalparents needed for child’s survival Pair-bonding: having an emotional Pair-bonding: having an emotional

attachment to anotherattachment to another Oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine release Oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine release

during sex; feels addictingduring sex; feels addicting Good feelings associated with partner Good feelings associated with partner

(classical conditioning)(classical conditioning) Tells you “Gee sex Tells you “Gee sex with this personwith this person feels feels

great” rather than just “Geez sex feels great”great” rather than just “Geez sex feels great”

Montane vole Prairie voleMontane vole Prairie volePair-bond vs. No pair-bondPair-bond vs. No pair-bond

Sternberg’s Triangular TheorySternberg’s Triangular Theory

Love is multifaceted, with up to 3 central Love is multifaceted, with up to 3 central componentscomponents

2.2. Passion: intense longing for another Passion: intense longing for another personperson

3.3. Intimacy: feeling connected, enjoying Intimacy: feeling connected, enjoying one’s company and supportone’s company and support

4.4. Commitment: obligations and Commitment: obligations and responsibilities to one anotherresponsibilities to one another

Peck’s Criticisms of “Love”Peck’s Criticisms of “Love” Falling in love (passion) Falling in love (passion) ≠ ≠ lovelove

Excitement related to new, attractive personExcitement related to new, attractive person ““We fall in love when we are consciously or We fall in love when we are consciously or

unconsciously sexually motivated”unconsciously sexually motivated” The honeymoon always endsThe honeymoon always ends

Dependency Dependency ≠ ≠ lovelove ““I need him” or “I’d die without her”I need him” or “I’d die without her” ““What you describe is parasitism, not love”What you describe is parasitism, not love” Love is based on choice, not necessityLove is based on choice, not necessity

Love Love ≠ a feeling≠ a feeling Love is an action, characterized by treating Love is an action, characterized by treating

someone wellsomeone well Having strong feelings that someone is Having strong feelings that someone is

important or needed doesn’t mean you love important or needed doesn’t mean you love themthem

Myth of Romantic loveMyth of Romantic love Story that two people are “meant to be,” that Story that two people are “meant to be,” that

it is predetermined “in the stars”it is predetermined “in the stars” If it doesn’t end up working out, people say it If it doesn’t end up working out, people say it

wasn’t “true love” after all (hindsight bias)wasn’t “true love” after all (hindsight bias) Realistically, there are many suitable partnersRealistically, there are many suitable partners

Love is…Love is…

An action, not a feelingAn action, not a feeling AttentionAttention A risk of rejectionA risk of rejection Independence, not dependenceIndependence, not dependence CommitmentCommitment Self-disciplinedSelf-disciplined

……hard workhard work

Happy CouplesHappy Couples

Partner’s know each other’s hopes, quirks, Partner’s know each other’s hopes, quirks, likes, dislikeslikes, dislikes

Secret Weapon: ritualized “repair Secret Weapon: ritualized “repair attempts” to prevent increased negativityattempts” to prevent increased negativity

Shared, deep sense of meaningShared, deep sense of meaning 5 : 1 ratio5 : 1 ratio

Unhappy CouplesUnhappy Couples

Arguments characterized by…Arguments characterized by… Harsh setup: negative and accusatoryHarsh setup: negative and accusatory 4 types of negative interactions: 4 types of negative interactions:

criticism, contempt, defensiveness, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewallingstonewalling

Flooding Flooding Stonewalling Stonewalling Failed repair attemptsFailed repair attempts Bad memoriesBad memories

Love QuotesLove Quotes““I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth” another’s spiritual growth” - M. Scott Peck - M. Scott Peck““Love is the subtlest force in the world”Love is the subtlest force in the world” - Mahatma Gandhi - Mahatma Gandhi““By accident of fortune a man may rule the world By accident of fortune a man may rule the world for a time, but by virtue of love he may rule the for a time, but by virtue of love he may rule the world forever”world forever” - Lao-tzu- Lao-tzu““Love is the only force capable of transforming an Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend”enemy into a friend” - Martin Luther King Jr.- Martin Luther King Jr.

““It’s a curious thought, but it is only when you see It’s a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous, that you realize just how people looking ridiculous, that you realize just how much you love them”much you love them” - Agatha Christie- Agatha Christie““One of the oldest human needs is having One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don’t someone to wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night”come home at night” - Margaret Mead- Margaret Mead““Love is a condition in which the happiness of Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own”another person is essential to your own” - Robert Heinlein- Robert Heinlein““Whoso loves… Believes the impossible”Whoso loves… Believes the impossible” - Elizabeth Barrett Browning- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

““Love doesn’t have to feel dizzying”Love doesn’t have to feel dizzying” - Michael Levine- Michael Levine““Love is something like the clouds that were in the Love is something like the clouds that were in the sky before the sun came out. You cannot touch sky before the sun came out. You cannot touch the clouds, you know; but you feel the rain and the clouds, you know; but you feel the rain and know how glad the flowers and the thirsty earth know how glad the flowers and the thirsty earth are to have it after a hot day. You cannot touch are to have it after a hot day. You cannot touch love either; but you feel the sweetness that it love either; but you feel the sweetness that it pours into everything”pours into everything” - Annie Sullivan- Annie Sullivan““Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh”love, I can: all of them make me laugh” - W. H. Auden- W. H. Auden

““Sympathy constitutes friendship; but in love there Sympathy constitutes friendship; but in love there is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. Each is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. Each strives to be the other, and both together make up strives to be the other, and both together make up one whole”one whole” - Samuel Taylor Coleridge- Samuel Taylor Coleridge““True love comes quietly, without banners or True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.checked. - Erich Segal- Erich Segal““Love talked about can be easily turned aside, but Love talked about can be easily turned aside, but love demonstrated is irresistible”love demonstrated is irresistible” - W. Stanley Mooneyham- W. Stanley Mooneyham

Thank youThank you