unPlanned DAD Your Guide from the Other Side

This is an extended presentation of a talk I gave at Pecha Kucha Cape Town in May 2013

If you want to book me for other talks (so that I can pay for my ‘unplanneddadness’) or contact me for further information, my contact details are at the end

Kind thanks to the countless sites from whom I borrowed images

I hope you will understand my eagerness to spread a goodwill message

MARK VELLA, CAPE TOWN, MAY 2013

Hands up if you are not yet a parent?

Then this presentation is for you

If you are a parent…

Then I hope it provides some nostalgia and entertainment

This is my family. My Name is Mark. I work in the field of Lifestyle Medicine, I am a social entrepreneur and 2 years ago I became an unplanned Dad. I’d like to thank my family for the content and permission for this presentation

So in 2010, 3 days before the World Cup in South Africa, we scored our own opening goal.

We were both in our 40’s and pretty much clueless

But Nature in its wisdom

gave you 9 months

to prepare

So don’t panic…

Ladies, when you come home with that pink strip on your pregnancy test and tell you partner he’s going to be a dad, here’s how he might react…

(On the inside)

Part of him inside is more like No.10 than No.1

Its not because he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want to be dad

Instead here’s why…

1st: “I wont be a good Dad”

He’s worried he won’t be a good dad

He seen bad examples, maybe even in his own life

He’s see how difficult it can be, even with the best of intentions

He’s worried he doesn’t know the first thing about being a dad

2nd: I won’t be able to provide

He see’s the long term extrapolation of what that pink strip means in financial terms

He sees the seriousness and the scale of it all

Cost of raising child in SA?

R1,681,470.00 (Psst that’s…R7,784.49 a month)

1. Birth to 18yrs

2. Av middle income family

3. Excludes college, university.

4. Not inflation accounted

5. SA Government 2009

To save for University ?

R 6000.00 (So I can send her to Uni in 2030)

1. Born in 2011

2. Inflation accounted

3. Sunday times News Paper 2011, article

But men, be grateful for that new budget item

Have some perspective because…

The issues will stem from

1. Differing values

2. Differing expectations

3. The division of labour

Get these 3 right and you’ll be fine

7 factors to chat about

1. Relationship Stability

2. Future career

3. Financial fitness

4. Support

5. Birth philosophy

6. Health of you and partner

7. Nutrition

On the following issues:

1. Birth method

2. Breastfeeding

3. Co-sleeping

Chat and agree.

But know that

ultimately it’s a women's prerogative

Use Pinterest

1. To learn from others

2. To create vision board of your new parenthood

There will be times she will wish you were pregnant

Imagine

Carrying this rucksack on your front for 9 months:

Sleeping with it,

Showering with it,

Going to work with it,

Having sex with it

Go ahead , try it for a full 24 hours

And imagine it made you puke, fart and gave you heartburn amongst other things

Imagine you at times felt like this guy,

Or that sometimes you felt your body is going to end up like this guy

Imagine coping with the horror stories,

The fear of the unknown

Knowing constantly about the possible risks,

And feeling the weight of expectation upon you

All the while trying to be pretty, a great friend, lover, co-worker, future mom and perfect partner for you

And then there’s the birth..

Which I have heard one woman describe as ‘pushing this watermelon through a pinhole’

Make no mistake birth is a beautiful miracle

But it is also the one of the most physically challenging, transformative events of a woman's life

It’s not like the movies which distort and ridicule birth

/

Real birth is a much more down to earth, real, immediate experience http://naturalbirthinkitsap.blogspot.com

All I can say to the men is be there

I pulled my daughter out and cut her chord

Ill never forget that moment and what it meant http://mamabirth.blogspot.com/2012/07/natural-birth-isnt-big-deal.html

Natural Medical Side Note:

As a Naturopath, I favour:

1. Natural Birth

2. Breastfeeding

3. Co-sleeping

4. Informed nutrition

FACT:

Natural Births

In USA 5%

In SA 8-10% (elective)

I am troubled by the medicalization of birth

I am troubled by the commercialisation of our children

Beware the

DAY

Why?

She has just run a marathon giving birth

She could be in pain.

She is doubting her ability to cope

She is feeling the full weight of responsibility bearing down on her. Will baby ever stop crying?

Is it the end of life?

And you forget…

that this started 9mo ago: loosing her figure, the discomfort and lifestyle changes, whilst you carry on as normal.

By Day 9 the euphoria of the birth hormones abate and exhaustion sets in, often leading to postnatal depression.

So you need to have 2 Laws in place from Day 1

Law 1

Its crucial from Day 1 to rest

Rest is above all else in the list of priorities

Law 2

The focus is on the baby and your partner for first 12 weeks

Everyone else comes second by a country mile.

In the first 3 months

Do what ever you can to support her

She will really need it

Get support in if you need it

Division of labour is necessary

The Rule of 3

In the first 3 months,

babies cry for 3 main reasons:

1. They are hungry

2. They have wind

3. They have a full nappy

PS, guys changing a nappy

is easy

Establish Routine

1. Predictable work and rest patterns

2. Helps you to know what cry means what?

3. For baby, they become secure in the pattern

1. The healthier option but she must want to breastfeed

2. It’s a woman's decision

3. Women have fear that they will not produce milk, they will have pain, cracked nipples

4. It’s a huge issue for them re failure or success as mom

PS Realise that at least 6 months her

boobs will not be yours

At some point you will think of yourself as this guy

But often you will be this guy

The great thing though is you join a new club called fatherhood

All those fathers with kids look at you, and instantly you understand each other’s lives. They know your truth

DAD… A sons first hero

A daughter’s first love

an example to both

Your life will be the foundation for your child's

Your child will model their behaviour on your actions, not your words

Connection

Really be with me,

Dad Forget ‘quality time’,

What they want most to feel stable and secure is

TIME with you

The Real Connectors

Touch

Reading

Tone

Babygazing

Time

Finally, Ladies…an Cave If your man starts showing signs

of wanting to hide in his cave

everyonce in a while

He is not trying to avoid

fatherly responsibilities

He is showing very

normal behavior

Let him,

he will be a better dad for it

Wishing you best of an amazing journey…

Want to book me, or know more?

“Unplanned Dad”

mark@lifestyelemedicine.com

082 940 7465