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Effective Communication
Joe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla September 23, 2015
Why are we doing this? (Part 1)
One Big Idea
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTAssumptions
FeelingsResponsesReality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them; we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial information; absence of emotion leaves out
half the story.
Emotions indicate importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Disclosure & Vulnerability
Self-Disclosure
Will I be less liked,
respected, influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the
relationship?
Will others use this
information against me?
How will others
see/assess/ judge me?
“What in my ‘bubble’
should I share?”
Self-Disclosure
“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ BROWN
Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile managers from bottom quartile managers was strength of affection.”--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Barry
Authentic Leaders
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
• Build connection, trust• Repair distortions• Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
1. Disclosure & vulnerability are critical to connection.
2. Effective leaders form strong connections.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.
The Bottom Line
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
What Makes an Effective Team?
1. Participation2. Collaboration3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
“I’m starting to feel defensive”
Inward (my emotions)
Outward(others’ emotions)
Emotional Awareness
Emotional Management
(“Regulation”)
“He seems to begetting agitated”
• Take a deep breath• “Could you give me a sec?”• Take a walk
“Are you ok?”
EQ (Individual)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward (Our Team)
Outward(Other Teams)
Emotional Awareness
Emotional Regulation
EQ (Group)
High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ
Feedback & Influence
Working AgreementsJohari Window
OPEN/PUBLIC
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You know
You don’t know
Reactions/Feedback
Disclosure
BLIND
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development2. Team Effectiveness3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
Can I give you some feedback?
Photo by State Farm [link]Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David RockWhat social situations triggera threat response?
StatusCertaintyAutonomyRelatednessFairness
SCARF Model
So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
ReactionsResponsesReality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior2. Describe the impact of that behavior on you3. Do not address my motives or intentions (Do ask about them & listen actively if I choose to share.)
Stay on your side of the net!
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Simplest Feedback Model
When you do [x], I feel [y].
(and optionally)
The story in my head is… (z)
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. James, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. James, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. James, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with this presentation.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Learning is better than being right– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions• Acknowledge your feelings• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”• Do not praise to overcome resistance• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Assume good intent; be curious• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:My intention is…When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint problem solving
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
• Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area
• Communication & Management– Too much/ little, choice of format, email etiquette, language choices,
communication style in front of others, transparency of project status, hiring/firing/promotions
• Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this person, How do they impact
others? What do they model well? Anything you worry about? Arrival/departure times, attire, how they speak/listen/act?
Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net
