Communication Workshop

Semira RahemtullaMay 3, 2016

Who am I?

Most recently…• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell

Previously…• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire (IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)• UX Designer @ Vividence (Acq by Keynote)• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer

Science

Semira RahemtullaCofounder of InnerSpace

One Big Idea

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #2

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponses

Reality #3

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

The Net

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #1Shared

Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Exercise #2: If You Really Knew Me…

• Each person gets 2min to complete the sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”

• No responses except “Thank you”Karim VarelaFlavius PopescuBrian FangPhillip Chuzhbinin

Matt WuDaniel PyrathonBrandon BeveridgeHuibo Wang

Dawoon KangRachel MaxSherrie ChenLily ChouAlice Hwang

Jim MattesonNoel HartshornArchit JoshiLukasz Citowicz

Arum KangNicole SingletonMelissa RosenYi LiDavid Roderick MillerMica Gallanosa

Self-Disclosure

Will I be less liked,

respected, influential

(leader-like)?

Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the

relationship?

Will others use this

information against me?

How will others

see/assess/ judge me?

“What in my ‘bubble’

should I share?”

Self-Disclosure

“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ BROWN

Feedback & Influence

Alice DawoonJim SherrieDaniel MattDavid NicoleLukasz HuiboFlavius BrianMelissa YiLily RachelNoel ArchitMica ArumBrandon Karim

Exercise #3: Complimentary Feedback

Think of one thing your coworker does that you really appreciate1. Describe the behavior as specifically as

possible2. Describe the impact the behavior has on

you

#1 Factor for Happiness on the Job: Feeling appreciated-- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityBuilding a culture of appreciation

1. Create a space for it2. Lead by example

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

Can I give you some feedback?

Social situations ≈ Physical threats

Threat Response

So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #2

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponses

Reality #3

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

The Net

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #1Shared

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

• Focus on specific, observable behaviorWhen you do [x]…

• Describe the impact of that behavior on youI feel [y]…

• Ask about the other person’s motives or intentions

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Stay on your side of the net!

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…

1. Arum, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.

2. Arum, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.

3. Arum, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about what message that might send to others in the room.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…

1. You’re not very approachable.

2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond very well. You’re not very approachable.

3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for asking, even though that time off is important to me. And I’ve noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with questions or requests.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

When you do [x]…

I feel [y == emotion] that / like

And my story is [z].

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

1:1 Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Setup

1. Check in – “Is now a good time?”

2. Soft Start– Do not use praise to buffer criticism (“The Sandwich”)– Do emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:

“My intention is…… / This matters to me because…”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback

• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Goal is understanding, not winning

• Help the other person feel heard– Ask clarifying questions

• Acknowledge your feelings– Manage your own defensiveness: “Affect Labeling”– Disclose your reactions

• Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityEnd with Agreements

• Make requests– What are we going to try / do differently going forward?

• Be specific• Discuss the error case

– What can we do if someone doesn’t do their part of the agreement?

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder

Stay on your side of the net:

When you do [x]…

I feel [y]…

And my story is [z].

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback

Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity,

focus areaCommunication & Management

– Too much/little– Choice of format– Email etiquette– Language choices,

communication style with others– Transparency of project status,

hiring/firing/promotions

Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this

person? – How do they impact others? – What do they model well? – Anything you worry about? – Arrival/departure times– How they speak/listen/act/dress

Homework

In the next week, have (at least) one more feedback conversation Alice Melissa

Brandon MattJim NoelDaniel HuiboFlavius LukaszArchit LilySherrie RachelNicole DawoonBrian KarimArum DavidMica Yi

Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net ☺