The Yax Uglacy: Chapter Three

It's gaudy. It's tacky. It hungers. But enough about the cowplant. This 'story' (oh believe me, I use the term loosely) is really about the Yax family. The goal of this Uglacy, as well as all other Uglacies, is to see just how ugly you can make the Sims in ten generations.

I think I'm off to a good start. Bruce C. Yax is generation two's heir, and he, as well as his three siblings who had the audacity to be kinda cute, have gone off to college.

Who cares about the spares? I'm a poet and I didn't even know it! Sure, I'll kinda show them, but once they graduate, they're relegated to virtual obscurity, only to be seen at parties.

You know, unless they are killed in an unfortunate run in with the cowplant.

Anyway, before school is in full swing, I had Melissa invite Bruce over so he can have a bunch of Snapdragons. I totally forgot to have him grab some before he moved out.

Bruce: Igor is not sure what this box with a bow is.

Melissa: It's a present silly! It has some pretty snapdragons in it.

Bruce: Igor doesn't know what that word is. What is...pretty?

Melissa: Just look at your siblings, and you will know.

Bruce: Oh. Snapdragons self-centered and high maintenance then.

Melissa: Maybe looking at your siblings is a bad idea...

Bruce looks thrilled to be taking the present, doesn't he?

The weird thing is, Bruce is right about his siblings being high maintenance and self-centered. Gary and Billy are both Popularity Sims, while Buffy is a Pleasure Sim. So, all they want to do is throw parties, go on dates, and meet new people.

But, I don't care about them and I am wondering why I even bothered to send them to college; it doesn't fulfill either LTW's for Ubert or Melissa. Oh well, it's too late now.

Quite frankly, I just made sure that they had all the skills needed for their current semester, and then let them run wild. I don't think any of them saw a 4.0 GPA. Or an Aspiration level above a sliver of green.

Nope, it was all about Bruce and his undisputed Uglacy caliber looks. I needed to find him a wife, so the only real option was to send him downtown.

Bruce was not happy with me. He has 0, that's right, it's not a typo, 0 Outgoing points.

Unfortunately for him, ”The Sims” does not have a Mail Order Bride option. Well, at least not without cheating.

I'll take any ugly, but I do have a few Custom Townies that I'm kinda keeping an eye out for. I already found and married in the female Malcolm Landgraab clone, if I could find some of the others, it would be pretty sweet.

Sandy Bruty or Melissa Fancey would be good options as well.

So while my vibrant, vivacious, people loving heir ate some food, I cruised the bar scene for him.

I saw this girl enter. I saw some potential with her, as I know what her facial structure looks like on males (as this is a patriarchy, I needed to breed males to inherit).

So, I made Bruce go and greet her. After about half an hour of arm waving and sulking, he finally obeyed me.

That's when I realized my mistake.

Yeah, she was a teenager. I couldn't tell at first because she wasn't standing next to anybody for a height comparison. The Yax family might be creepy in their ugliness, but they will never appear on “To Catch a Predator.”

Bruce: Igor thinks you aren't going to be Igor's ray of sunshine.

Banned 4 Lyfe If WooHooed With Girl: No, I will not be a ray of sunshine for you. Why don't you have a seat, right over here...

So, alas, Bruce had to eventually go home as no one of great potential appeared on the community lot.

Bruce started researching Mail Order Brides. Or working on his term paper. I can't read the Simlish text, so I'll never know for sure.

Meanwhile, Bruce's siblings sat around congratulating each other.

Buffy: You're almost as cute as I am Billy!

Billy Bedwetter: Why thank you Buffy! You're almost as cute as I am!

Gary G.: Congratulations on being part of the Greek House Buffy!

Buffy: Pfft. Like the Greek House that we started was going to reject me. I'm too cute to reject!

Gary G.: Congratulations on going to college Billy! Mom was worried that your bed wetting skills might get in the way of your education.

Billy: Just because I sometimes wear adult diapers for those 'just in case' situations doesn't mean that I'm still not totally cute!

Billy: Hey Gary, how about we sit around and talk about what rays of sunshine we are!

Gary G.: Oh my God! Let's sit down in the middle of the kitchen right now to do that!

Poor Bruce. I can only assume by the expression on his face that he was far more willing to brave the social scene than sit around listening to his ego stroking brothers and sister.

So I naturally, being the mind reader that I am, decided to let him go meet new people. This was done to rub it into Buffy, Billy, and Gary G.'s face, as they ALL had this want, and it had yet to be fulfilled.

So I sent him to the bowling alley. Clearly he would find a princess in a high class establishment such as that.

The first person he meets is the Good Witch who planted herself firmly by the telephone, not before making the lot lag to the point where I thought my game was going to crash before she appeared.

Bruce with his awesome people loving skills had the most electrifying conversation with her.

Bruce: Igor thinks that with a hat like that, you can get a free bowl of soup.

She was less than impressed. She was too pretty anyway, so I allowed her to slip through his fingers.

* cue angel choir *

Bruce will search no longer. Here is another Custom Townie that I made. She is the female clone of Frances J. Worthington III, who funny enough, is still a college student at LFT where the Yax kids are.

This one has the vastly different name of Francesca Jane Worth. See how different and original that name is? I'll bet that if I didn't tell you that she was the clone of Frances, you would have never guessed! My cleverness and subtly astounds even me sometimes.

* ahem *

Bruce turned on all of his people loving charm and busted out The Creepy Smile in the effort to woo the fair Francesca.

Francesca, or Fran from here on out, was clearly swept off her feet.

Neither Bruce nor I were going to be put off by Fran's insatiable desire to jump Bruce's bones though.

You can not begin to imagine the effort it took me to make sure that Bruce obeyed the “Family Values” handicap. Look at her! She's all over him!

Okay, okay, you caught me. I was lying. Fran was being a little snot and not all that interested in Bruce. But my desire to have MOAR ugly kids outweighed the fact that Bruce and Fran had negative bolts for each other.

So Bruce had to resort to trickery and illusions to give me what I want.

Bruce: Igor is uncomfortable. Igor is conversing with a person and that person is stuck in the door. Igor is confused. Which should bother Igor more?

Madame Fortuna (who is as lovely as the day is long): Driiinnnk the glowing pink potion. It's so bright and shiny! It's mesmerizing. Driiiinnnnk it. It's made of orphan tears!

Bruce: Igor thinks that he is a lady killer now. Igor thinks he's a fine hunk of man meat. Igor knows that Fran will find him irresistible with the potion of a thousand orphan tears coursing through his veins.

It turns out that Fran, with her 3 Nice points, IS attracted to someone who drinks love potions concocted with the tears of a thousand orphans.

Because orphan tears are delicious and apparently pink.

Madame Fortuna, who is as lovely as the day as long, left the lot. Then she came back and gave Bruce a genie lamp that will grant three wishes. Apparently Bruce was the lucky 100th customer, so he got a special gift.

Not one to turn down something free, be it wishes or automatic Perma Plat status, Bruce summoned the genie. He wished for Peace of Mind (which gives said Perma Plat status). Then he pocketed the lamp to give to his parents so they can make the same wish.

It's not cheating. I looked it up to make sure. Of course, that will give me three Family Platinum tombstones. Oh well. Oh, and hopefully Madame Fortuna will come by the main house and give another lamp, so Fran can wish on it and give me a Pleasure Tombstone.

I'm getting ahead of myself as I played a bit forward. Bruce and Fran eventually fell in love and earned one full bolt for each other!

So, even though the potion had long since worn off, Fran was still attracted to someone who drank orphan tears.

Bruce: Igor wants Fran to be his Jane. Igor wants to marry and have three kids. Igor wants those three kids to graduate college.

Fran: Oooo! Jane is my middle name!

Fran: It sparkles! It shines! Wait. Is that a piece of rock candy wrapped in tinfoil?

We'll pretend that it was.

And now that the wife hunt is over, Bruce can concentrate of his school work and make lots and lots of friends to spite his siblings.

All the friend making, done by calling the college directory down the list, allowed Bruce to be inducted into the Secret Society.

I never noticed this before, but did you know that their lips tremble like they are about to cry when they are handcuffed?

Oh, and alas again, this girl is too pretty for future generations to marry.

Bruce: Igor is uncomfortable around all these people. But Igor is also impressed with this guy's Mohawk.

Bruce: Igor spies something that will make Igor's siblings happy. Igor has 9 Nice points, so he won't force the issue. But Igor can't stop what his siblings might want.

So Bruce swiped the cowplant to take back to the Yax Greek House. LFT's Secret Society is utterly useless. They barely have anything worth taking, unlike Sim State.

Buffy: Bruce, what is this cowplant for?

Bruce: Igor knows that you and Billy and Gary want to make new friends. Igor knows that you are all depressed. Igor thinks that, if you wanted, the cowplant might be the most humane thing you could do to yourselves. Igor is not suggesting anything though...

Indeed, though the spares all still talked about how cute they were...

Gary G.: We're so cute, we don't need makeup to make us look better!

Buffy: I know, we are totally cute without it!

...They started becoming more and more morose as time went on.

Billy: I want to make some friends! I want to throw a house party! I want to throw a sports party! I want to throw a toga party!

The became so depressed that it appeared they were trying to commit suicide in the slowest and most painful ways.

Billy: I'm so hot.

Buffy: So am I!

Billy: No, I mean I'm starting to burn up.

They started eating moldy food despite the fact that there was plenty (and I do mean plenty ) of perfectly good pizza lying around.

They started dancing around in rain puddles during thunderstorms, all the while taunting cow mascots.

Billy: Hey cow! Your mother was a minotaur!

They even danced around burning trees and shrubs with wild abandon, hoping that the god of fire would purify and cleanse them of their depression.

Bruce knew all of this. Bruce is very much the family man, so while he doesn't necessarily want to see his siblings dead, if they choose to off themselves, it should be done as humanely as possible.

So he brought home the cowplant.

And the cowplant hungers. It hungers for Sim flesh. Depression was but a wonderful spice that made Sim flesh that much more savory.

Delicious, delicious depression. Almost as good as orphan tears.

It was just a matter of time to see who would fall for the old bait-n-switch technique. The bait being the cake, and the switch being...THEIR DEATH!! Bwahahahaha!

So, during yet another desert thunderstorm, which if “The Sims” teaches me anything, it's that it rains all of the time in the desert, Billy Bedwetter and Buffy were watching the cheerleader beat up the cow mascot. They were also waiting to be struck by lightning.

But Gary... oh, Gary heard the cowplant's siren call.

Cowplant: Gaaary. GAAAARRRY. Why don't you have some of this delicious cake? It tastes sooooo goooood. Gaaaary. You know you can't resist it.

Gary: Huh? Is someone actually talking to me?

Cowplant: Gaaaary. Have some cake. It's...delicious! Dare I say, it's...TO DIE FOR! Bwahahahahaha!

Gary: Nah, I think I'll go have some moldy pizza, instead.

Cowplant: CURSE YOU!

The next day, the cowplant had another opportunity to have a delicious and succulent meal.

Cowplant: Psst. Hey Buffy. Why don't you have some cake. It has...FROSTING!

Buffy: Nah. I'm more of a salt girl. I think I'll go have chips instead.

Cowplant: Biiiilyyyy. Wouldn't you rather...EAT CAKE?

Billy: Mmmmm, this pizza I just got is awesome. It's totally better than the other two pizzas that Gary and Buffy got from campus half an hour ago.

The cowplant clearly needed some help.

Cowplant: Hey Gary! Now is your chance! She's all burnt up and crispy! Just throw her into my mouth before she comes around! And then, as a reward, you could have some of my delicious cake!

Buffy: What's going on? Did my awesome hotness completely overwhelm me?

Gary: It totally did! Hey? You want to go get some pizza?

Cowplant: WHYYYYYYYY?!

Cowplant: Hey. Drama Professor. I could totally go for some beef jerky right now. GET IN MAH BELLY!

Drama Professor: Buffy is 18, right? I don't want to meet Chris Hansen...

In fact, the only one who showed the remotest interest in having some cowplant cake was Bruce.

Luckily, I was able to keep him distracted.

And so it went. The spares went to class, or didn't, I don't know. I didn't pay attention. Bruce had a 4.0 GPA and had almost maxed out all of his skills.

The cowplant was never fed. Apparently, the spares weren't that suicidal.

Finally, college was done. I make it a point to not change the clothes they age into and I am going to feature them as they make their way down the catwalk. I mean, stairs.

Here is Buffy. Very nice and tacky. Exactly what I want to see.

Here is Gary Gygax Yax. He's planning on giving Goopy a run for his money.

Billy Bedwetter just had to be difficult and go out a different door, despite the fact that that there was nobody in his way and my camera was all set up by the front door.

His clothes are a bit hillbilly. Ha!

And finally, Bruce. Not only is it a cowboy shirt, but it's a YELLOW cowboy shirt. He's going to fit it quite nicely with the new house design and decor.

As the kids all return back to Strangetown, the cowplant shed a tear.

Cowplant: WHYYYY? Why must I STAAARVE! PORQUE?????

I opted to have these three move into an apartment, with a computer and telephone, instead of letting them sit in the Sim Bin.

I don't know what it is about the No Pet sign that makes Sims flock to it, but clearly Buffy doesn't approve. Or she doesn't approve of Gary's clothes, which is funnier.

So, here they will sit, the house never to be loaded again as more and more spares move into the one bedroom apartment.

Bruce, on the other hand, gets to move into the Legacy house, newly remodeled and painted in a rather subdued color: Stop Sign Red.

Wasting absolutely no time, Bruce invites Fran over so she can move in. She wanted to bring a friend.

I really hope I am not the only one who finds this funny. In my Devereaux Legacy, Malcolm is in a relationship with Frances J. Worthington.

In this legacy, Melissa Yax is the female clone of Malcolm, and it just so happens that Fran is his friend.

For me, this is totally like worlds colliding, or maybe even the Kennedy/Lincoln thing.

* amused *

So naturally, I had Melissa greet him.

Melissa: You look strangely familiar.

Malcolm: You know, I was about to say the same thing! What a crazy random happenstance!

I even had him stick around for the wedding.

Ubert: My wife is hot!

Malcolm: Is that man thinking about me?

So, with utterly no pomp and circumstance, Bruce and Fran got married on the front lawn under the wedding arch that mysteriously appeared and just as suddenly disappeared.

And there was much rejoicing.

As a side note, I'm rather impressed by the non-tacky formal wear the spares grew into.

The party was a rousing success. I use to have such problems with making any party I threw have Roof Raiser scores. Then I learned something: I have to actually make my Sims talk to their guests.

Of course, the guests still don't eat from the buffet table, so I've given up on buying that. But as long as everyone is socializing, there is no need for food, a bar, music, or any sort of entertainment.

And again, there was much rejoicing.

So, while Bruce and Fran repeatedly tried to conceive the third generation, the guests all left.

Except for Buffy. I don't know why she didn't leave. I know Sims that have a lot of Outgoing pints will make themselves at home whenever they are invited (or even not invited) somewhere. But Buffy only has 5 Outgoing points.

The only thing I could think of was this...

Buffy: Teehee. I'm so cute, even when I have lipstick all over my teeth!

If it wasn't that, then I am totally drawing a blank.

***

Anyway, that's it for this chapter. Next chapter will be all about making ugly babies, and hopefully having an heir poll on who is the ugliest.

Stay tuned with baited breath!

Thanks for reading and Happy Simming!