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MindfulParenting:Navigatingtheups-and-downsofparentingwithmindfulness

SaraMarlowe,MSW,RSWGermanMillsPublicSchool.

January29,2018www.mindfulfamilies.cainfo@mindfulfamilies.ca

MindfulParenting=intentionallybringingmoment-to-momentawarenesstotheparent–childrelationship(Duncan,Coatesworth&Greenberg,2009)

Dimensionsofmindfulparenting:1. Listeningwithfullattentionwheninteractingwithourchildren2. Emotionalawarenessofourselvesandourchildren3. Nonjudgmentalacceptanceofourselvesandourchildren4. Self-regulationinourparentingrelationship5. Compassionforourselvesandourchildren

Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW

www.mindfulfamilies.ca

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InterpersonalMindfulnessinParenting(IEM-P)scaleInstructions:Thefollowingstatementsdescribedifferentwaysthatparentsinteractwiththeirchildrenonadailybasis.Pleasetellmewhetheryouthinkthestatementis“NeverTrue,”“RarelyTrue,”“SometimesTrue,”“OftenTrue,”or“AlwaysTrue”foryou.Remember,therearenorightorwronganswersandpleaseansweraccordingtowhatreallyreflectsyourexperienceratherthanwhatyouthinkyourexperienceshouldbe.Pleasetreateachstatementseparatelyfromeveryotherstatement.

NeverTrue

RarelyTrue

SometimesTrue

OftenTrue

AlwaysTrue

1.IfindmyselflisteningtomychildwithoneearbecauseIambusydoingorthinkingaboutsomethingelseatthesametime.

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2.WhenI’mupsetwithmychild,InoticehowIamfeelingbeforeItakeaction.

1 2 3 4 5

3.Inoticehowchangesinmychild’smoodaffectmymood.

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4.Ilistencarefullytomychild’sideas,evenwhenIdisagreewiththem.

1 2 3 4 5

5.Ioftenreacttooquicklytowhatmychildsaysordoes. 1 2 3 4 56.IamawareofhowmymoodsaffectthewayItreatmychild.

1 2 3 4 5

7.Evenwhenitmakesmeuncomfortable,Iallowmychildtoexpresshis/herfeelings.

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8.WhenIamupsetwithmychild,Icalmlytellhim/herhowIamfeeling.

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9.Irushthroughactivitieswithmychildwithoutbeingreallyattentivetohim/her.

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10.Ihavedifficultyacceptingmychild’sgrowingindependence.

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Scoringinformation(hypothesizedsubscales):Awareness&Present-CenteredAttention1.Ifindmyselflisteningtomychildwithoneear,becauseIambusydoingorthinkingaboutsomethingelseatthesametime.*3.Inoticehowchangesinmychild’smoodaffectmymood.6.IamawareofhowmymoodsaffectthewayItreatmychild.9.Irushthroughactivitieswithmychildwithoutbeingreallyattentivetohim/her.*Non-judgment4.Ilistencarefullytomychild’sideas,evenwhenIdisagreewiththem.7.Evenwhenitmakesmeuncomfortable,Iallowmychildtoexpresshis/herfeelings.10.Ihavedifficultyacceptingmychild’sgrowingindependence.*Non-reactivity2.WhenI’mupsetwithmychild,InoticehowIamfeelingbeforeItakeaction.5.Ioftenreacttooquicklytowhatmychildsaysordoes.*8.WhenIamupsetwithmychild,Icalmlytellhim/herhowIamfeeling.Itemswithan*arereverse-scored.Ahigherscoreindicateshighermindfulnessinparenting.Duncan,L.G.(2007).Assessmentofmindfulparentingamongparentsofearlyadolescents:DevelopmentandvalidationoftheInterpersonalMindfulnessinParentingScale.Unpublisheddissertation.ThePennsylvaniaStateUniversity.(PleasecontactDr.Duncandirectlyforpermissionshouldyouwishtoutilizethescale).

Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW

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TheAttitudinalFoundationsofMindfulnessPracticeBypracticingmindfulawarenesswelearntocultivatethefollowingattitudestowardsourparentingandourlivesingeneral.Non-judging:impartialwitnesstoyourownexperiences-notgoodorbad,justis.Don'tbeatyourselfupforjudging;justrealizeyourdoingit.Patience:thingsmustunfoldintheirowntime-noneedtobeimpatientwithourselves;wefindthemindjudgingallthetimeorwearetenseoragitatedorfrightened.Beginner’smind:amindthatiswillingtoseeeverythingasifforthefirsttime-allowsustobefreeofourexpectationsbasedonourpastexperiences.Thenexttimeyouseesomebodywhoisfamiliar,askyourselfifyouareseeingthispersonwithfresheyes,asheorshereallyis,orifyourareseeingareflectionofyourownthoughtsaboutthisperson.Tryitwithyourchildren,partners,parents,in-laws,friends,co-workers,etc.Trust:trustinyourself-itisfarbettertotrustinyourintuitionandownauthority,evenifyoumakesome"mistakes"alongtheway,thantolookoutsideyourselfforguidance.Ifsomethingdoesn'tfeelright,whynothonoryourfeelings.Non-striving:youarenotdoingthisforapurpose,togetsomethingorsomewhere.Don'tthink"Iamgoingtogetrelaxedthistime",thisintroducesanideaintoyourmindofwhereyoushouldbe,andalongwithitcomesthenotionthatyouarenotokayrightnow.Payattentiontowhateverishappeninginthemoment.Ifyouaretense,thenpayattentionit.Acceptance:meansseeingthingsastheyactuallyareinthepresent.Ifyouhaveachildhavingatantrum,acceptthatyouhaveachildhavingatantrum,ratherthanbeangryaboutthefacttheyarehavingatantrum.Itdoesnotmeanthatyoushouldgiveuponyourdesiretochangeandgrow.Acceptanceisawillingnesstoseethingsastheyare.Youaremuchmorelikelytorespondratherthanautomaticallyreactwhenyouhaveaclearpictureofwhatisactuallyhappening.Connectedtoeachoftheseattitudinalfoundationsis:COMPASSION

“Wehavemorepossibilitiesavailableineachmomentthanwerealize.”–ThichNhatHanh

STOP:Awaytodecreasestressandanxietyindailylifebybringingthebodyandmindbackintobalance:

§ S=Stop§ T=Takeabreath§ O=Observe§ P=Proceed

Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW

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HowMindfulnessPracticecanSupportParenting:• Slowingdownreactivityinthemoment&askingourselves‘whatismostimportantnow?’• Byengaginginsingle-tasking–especiallywhenspendingtimewithourchildren• Noticingwhenour‘buttons’arebeingpushedanddowhatweneedtohelpcalmdown• Self-awareness–mindfulnesssupportsustogettoknowourselvesreallywell• Intentionalparenting–steppingoutofauto-pilotmode• Self-kindness&compassion–remindingourselvestobegentlewithourselves

andourchildren• Parentalemotional-regulation–supportschildren’semotional-regulation• Lesslikelytounconsciouslycontinueandpassonunwantedparentingpracticesthatwe

experiencedaschildrenThree-MinuteBreathingSpace

1.AWARENESS:Bringyourselfintothepresentmomentbydeliberatelyadoptinganerectanddignifiedposture.Ifpossible,closeyoureyes.Thenask:"Whatismyexperiencerightnow...inthoughts...infeelings...andinbodilysensations?" Acknowledgeandregisteryourexperience,evenifitisunwanted.2.GATHERING:Then,gentlyredirectfullattentiontobreathing,toeach

inbreathandtoeachoutbreathastheyfollow,oneaftertheother.Yourbreathcanfunctionasananchortobringyouintothepresentandhelpyoutuneintoastateofawareness&stillness.3.EXPANDING:Expandthefieldofyourawarenessaroundyourbreathing,sothatitincludesasenseofthebodyasawhole,yourposture,andfacialexpression.Thebreathingspaceprovidesawaytostepoutofautomaticpilotmodeandreconnectwiththepresentmoment.Thekeyskillinmindfulnesspracticeistomaintainawarenessinthemoment.Nothingelse.FromSegal,Williams,andTeasdale(2002),TheGuilfordPress.

10TipsForMindfulParenting1. Findtimeforourselvestobeinstillnessatleastonceaday.2. Schedulingtimetojustbewithourchildren,withnoagendainmind.3. Seeingtheworldthroughourchild’seyes,steppingintotheirexperienceandimaginingwhatisimportantforthem.4. Seeingeverydaymomentswithourchild/renasopportunitiesto

connect(e.g.walkingtoschool,thegoing-to-bedroutine,teethbrushing),ratherthanwaitingfortheperfectmoment(waitingforweekends,summervacations,etc.).

5. Beingintentionalwithouruseoftechnology.6. Makingself-careapriority–puttingonourownoxygenmaskfirst…7. Invitingcompassiontobethedefaultwhenwe’rejustnotsurewhattodo.8. Spendingafewmomentseverydayreflectingonapleasantmomentyouhadwithyourchild/renand/orsomethingyouappreciateaboutthem.

9. Keepingthebraininmind,especiallyduringchallengingmoments.10. Rememberingtobreathe…lots…

Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW

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WaysofRespondingtoOthersinChallengingInteractions:(DanSiegel&TinaPayne-Bryson,2012).“RespondwiththeRight,RedirectwiththeLeft”Itcanbeveryhelpfultokeepthe‘braininmind’wheninteractingwithothers,particularlywhenweareinteractingwithpeoplewhoareexperiencingstrongemotions–anger,anxiety,sadness,frustration,etc.Wecansupportothers(andourselves)becomebetterintegratedtouseourwholebraininacoordinatedwaybyfollowingthesefewsuggestions:• ConnectandRedirect.Whensomeoneishavingameltingdownorblowingupemotionally,avoidimmediatelyappealingtotheirlogic.Saying,“Whyareyouactingthisway?”isproblematicbecauseitaddressesanemotional,right-brainproblemusingrational,left-brainlogic.Instead,connectfirstemotionally—rightbraintorightbrain.Bytellingsayingsomethinglike,“Icantellthatyou’rereallyupsetabout…”Inasoothingtoneofvoice,youacknowledgetheirfeelingsinacalmmanner.Then,oncethepersonismoreincontrolandreceptive,redirectbybringingintheleft-brainlessonsand,ifnecessary,settingsomeboundaries.

• NameIttoTameIt.Whenascaryorpainfulexperienceproducesbig,out-ofcontrolemotions,don’tdismissanddenythem.Instead,supporttheperson(oryourself)tobeanametotheexperienceandperhapseventellastoryaboutwhathappened.Thisprocesssupportsbothsidesofthebraintoworktogetherandslowsdownthereactionoftheamygdala.

• Engage,Don'tEnrage.Inhigh-stresssituations,strivetoengageaperson’s‘upstairsbrain,’whichiswheretheirhigher-orderthinkingtakesplace.Ratherthantriggeringthemoreprimitiveandreactivedownstairsbrainwithcommands,askquestions,collaborate,andevennegotiate.Themorewecanappealtotheupstairsbrainandengagepeopleincriticalthinkingandprocessing,themoreweareabletothinkandactanddecide,ratherthansimplyreactingtowhattheyarefeeling.

• GetActive.Ifwelosetouchwithour‘logical’brain,wecanregainbalancethroughmovement.Doingafewjumpingjacksorrunningaroundtheyardcandirectlyaffectourbrainchemistry.Exerciseandrelaxationallowsustoworkthroughsomeofouremotionsinahealthyway,allowingustofocusonotherthingsafterward.Whenwechangeourphysicalstate,wecanchangeouremotionalstate.

“Ifthedayevercamewhenwewereabletoacceptourselves

andourchildrenexactlyasweareandtheyare,then,Ibelievewewouldhavecometoanunderstandingofwhat

‘goodparenting’means.”--FredRogers

Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW

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LabelingOurExperiences:“Ifyounameit,youcantameit.”Throughmindfulnesspracticewecanlearntonoticeourthoughts,emotions,andbodysensations.Wealsolearntonameanddescribethoseexperiencesusing.Inthisway,welearntolabelourexperiences,justastheyare.Thereisasaying:“Ifyounameit,youcantameit.”Researchshowsthatthesimpleactofnaminganexperience(emotion,thought,bodysensation)calmsthelizardpartofthebrain.Wearethenlesslikelyto“flipourlid.”Tryitoutforyourself-Herearesomeexamples:Inoticeworry;Sweatyhands;Frustrationishere;Iamnoticingshortnessofbreath;Angrythoughtsarehere;TheWhat-ifthoughtsarevisiting,etc”TheNegativityBiasoftheBrain

Attheendofyourday,whenyouthinkaboutallthathappened,whatsticksoutmostinyourmemory?Thatyourchildclearedtheirbreakfastdisheswithoutevenbeingasked-YAY!ORthatyourchildsaidsomethingnastytotheirsister–ARGH!?Mostoften,werememberwhatdidn’tgowell.Thisdoesn’tmeanyou’reanegativeperson.Itmeansyouarehuman.Infact,ourbrainislikeVelcrofornegativeexperiencesandTeflonforpositiveones.Negativeexperiencestendtostickwithus--werememberthemmorethanthepositiveones.

Howmindfulnesscanhelp?Thegoodnewsisthatitdoesn’thavetobethisway.Justlikewepracticebringingourawarenesstoourbreath,wecanintentionallybringourawarenesstopositiveexperiencesthroughoutourday.Thefirststepistonoticethem.Noticingthepositivemomentsinourdaycannotonlyhelpusfeelbetteroverall,butcancontributetogettingmorethingsdoneandtreatingotherswell.Whenwenoticemoreofthepleasantmomentsinourdays,wearelesslikelytobethrownoffkilterbythenegativeones.

R-Remember…

H.E.A.R.Practice–Dr.RickHansonNoticingpleasantmoments,eveninthemidstofchallenges,hasapositiveeffectonourbrainandoverallsenseofwellbeing.Thisisalovelypracticetodoregularly&particularlywhenexperiencingdifficulty….Itcanhelptoturnourmoodaround.J H-HaveanexperienceE-EnrichitA-Absorbit

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”Worry is here”

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Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW

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FunIdeasforSharingMindfulnessPracticewithyourChildren

FamilyConnectingActivities1. Pickoneortwotimestocometogethereachdayasafamilytosoundachime(chimeapp)

andtakethreedeepbreathstogethera. Perhapsatthestartofeachdayjustbeforeyouleaveforworkandschool

2. Pickatimetosharetogetherasafamilyeachperson’sfavouritethingaboutthatday–i.e.at

dinner-time,beforebed,whentravelingsomewhere,afterschool,etc.

3. Pickatimetosharetogetherasafamily“What’sgoodaboutme?”–i.e.atdinnertime,beforebed,whendrivingsomewhere,etc.Eachpersontakeaturnsharingapositivequalityaboutthemselves.(Thereisnorightorwrong).

4. Goforawalk,withnoagendaandbringmindfulawarenesstoyoursenses&allyounotice.

5. Choosesomemindfulnesspracticesthatareafitwithyourfamilyandbegintodevelopyour

ownroutineofpractice(e.g.walking,breath,music,expressinggratitude,sharingapleasantmomentabouttheday,shakingyoursnowglobe,labelingemotions,etc).

ObservingtheBreath(forchildren)Youcanbringawarenesstoyourbreathatanytime!

• Put your hands on your belly and noticewhat happenswhen you breathe in andwhathappenswhenyoubreatheout?(Itmostoftenriseswhenyoubreatheinandfallswhenyoubreatheout).Noticethisrhythmforafewmomentsinsilence.

• Youcanhaveyoureyesopenorclosed.Wheneveryourmindgetspulledawayfromyourbreath,justcomebacktoyourbreathing.

• Noticewhatyoufeelwhenyoupayattentiontoyourbreathing.Oftenpeoplesharethattheyfeelmorepeacefulandcalmandmorereadytofocusonthetaskathand.Youcanevenputastuffedanimalonyourbellyandrockittosleepwithyourbreath!Orplaceastoneonyourbellyandbringawarenesstoitsweightasyouinhaleandexhale.Childrencanbeinvitedtoreflectonthefollowing…

WhenIslowdownandnoticemybreath,Ifeel:______________________________________Itcanbehelpfultoslowdownandbreathewhen:___________________________________

Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW

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BeingKindtoOurselves

People are often experts at being hard on ourselves – beating ourselves up for ‘mistakes’ we feel we have made or judging choices we have made. Being hard on ourselves most often leads us to feel even worse and does not help us move forward. So, in difficult times, why not try being kind to our self instead and see what happens…

Here is a sample of phrases you might use. It is not the actual words or phrases that are most important, but rather the intention behind them, so please feel free to use phrases that fit best for you. You can send these friendly wishes to yourself as well as to others. (Just repeat the phrases and substitute “you” and “we” for “I” to expand the circle of compassion

May I be happy May be healthy May I be safe

May I feel peaceful

GratitudePractice:

Eachday,reflectuponafewofthethingsforwhichyouaregrateful(thankful).Youcouldcreateyourownspecialgratitudescrapbook,gratitudejar,journalorhaveacalendaronthewalltorecordoneachday.Childrencanbenefitfrombeingencouragedtotakeamomenttopauseandreflectonwhatwentwellthatdayandsomethingsthatmakethemhappy.Thispracticeisawaytonourish

well-being,contentmentandinnerpeace(RickHanson,2009)andloosenthegripofthenegativitybias.

Whatareyoufeelinggratefulfortoday?(OR–whatareyouhappyaboutinyourlife?)

*Thesearegreatpracticestohelpchildrencounterthebrain’snegativitybias

Mindful Parenting Workshop, Copyright© 2018 Sara Marlowe MSW, RSW

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StillnessSnowGlobesShakingoursnowglobesandwatchingthemsettlecanhelptocalmourbrain!Whenyouarefeelingstressorchallengingfeelingslikeworry,frustration,anger,fearcomingaround,grabyoursnowglobeandgiveitagoodshake.Setitdownandwatchallofthetinysnowflakessettletothebottom.Youcanevenimaginethatthesesnowflakesrepresentthechallengingthoughts/feelingsorbodysensationsthatarevisitingyou.Withsomestillness,andafewsoft,deepbreaths,theycansettletoo!Whenmightyouuseyoursnowglobe?______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Wheremightbeausefulplacetokeepit?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________EatingMindfullywithyourFamily

1. Prepareandshareameal.

2. Eatatatabletogether-awayfromTVs,phonesandcomputers.

3. Takeamomenttoexpressgratitudeforthefood&allthatwentintoitspreparation.

4. Slowlyobserveyourfoodwitheachofyour5senses:Ø Howdoesitsmell?Ø Whatcolours,shapes,patternsdoyousee?Ø Howdoesitsoundwhenyoutakeabite?Ø Whatdoesitfeellikeasyouchew?Ø Whattastesdoyounotice?Ø Takeyourtimeandfullysavoureachbite.

5. Swallowandnoticehowyoufeelaftereachmouthful.

6. Talkwitheachotheraboutwhatyouobserved.

Youmightbeamazedbywhatyoudiscover!

Mindfulness-basedBooksforParenting(lotsofideasforpracticingwithchildren)• TheWholeBrainChild:12RevolutionaryStrategiestoNurtureYourChild’sDevelopingMindandNo-

DramaDisciplinebyDanSiegelandTinaPayneBryson(twooftheBEST!)• Everydayblessings:theinnerworkofmindfulparentingbyJon&MylaKabat-Zinn• TheMindfulChildbySusanKaiser-Greenland• Brainstorm:ThePower&PurposeoftheAdolescentBrainbyDanSiegel• RaisingHappiness:10SimpleStepsforMoreJoyousKids&HappierParentsbyChristineCarter

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• TheStressReductionWorkbookforTeensbyGinaBiegel• TheRelaxation&StressReductionWorkbookforKidsbyLawrenceShapiro&RobinSprague• BuildingEmotionalIntelligence:TechniquestoCultivateInnerStrengthinChildrenbyLindaLantieri• SittingStilllikeaFrog:MindfulnessExercisesforKidsbyElineSnel(includespracticeCD)• TheSelf-CompassionWorkbookforTeens:MindfulnessandCompassionSkillstoOvercomeSelf-

CriticismandEmbraceWhoYouArebyKarenBluthMindfulnessBooks:• ComingtoOurSenses,WhereverYouGo,ThereYouAreandFullCatastropheLivingbyJonKabat-Zinn• HardwiringHappiness,Buddha'sBrain:ThePracticalNeuroscienceofHappiness,Love&Wisdomand

JustOneThing:DevelopingaBuddhaBrainOnePracticeataTimebyRickHanson• TheMindfulPathtoSelf-Compassion:FreeingYourselffromDestructiveThoughts&Emotionsby

ChristopherGermer• Self-compassion:TheProvenPowerofBeingKindtoYourselfbyKristinNeff• Mindsight:TheNewScienceofPersonalTransformationbyDanielSiegel

Mindfulness-relatedChildren’sPicturebooks• NoOrdinaryApple:AStoryaboutEatingMindfully&MyNewBestFriendbySaraMarlowe• CharlotteandtheQuietPlacebyDeborahSosin• TheThreeQuestions,StoneSoup&ZenShortsbyJonJMuth• SilencebyLemniscates• VisitingFeelingsbyLaurenRubenstein&ShellyHehenberger• Ahn’sAnger&Steps&StonesStones:AnAhn’sAngerStorybyGailSilver• MyManyColouredDays,OhthePlacesYou’llGo,byDr.SeussApps• SittingStill:MindfulnessApp–voicerecordedbySaraMarlowe• SmilingMind• HeadspaceforKids

MindfulFamiliesMonthlyNewsletter–Withpracticetips,articles,recommendedbooksandupcomingeventsintheGTA.EmailSaraatinfo@mindfulfamilies.catosignup.Mindfulness–relatedVideosforparents:• NumerousParenting&theBrainvideosforparents–agreatresource!-

www.kidsinthehouse.com/expert/parenting-advice-from-daniel-j-siegel-md• DrDanielSiegelpresentingaHandModeloftheBrain-www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD-lfP1FBFk• HowDoesMeditationChangetheBrain?-InstantEgghead#54-

www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0DMYs4b2Yw• AndyPuddicombe:Allittakesis10mindfulminutes-www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzR62JJCMBQ• Alfred&Shadow:Ashortstoryaboutemotions-

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJOjpprbfeE&app=desktopFreeDownloadableGuidedMeditations:http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/meditations_downloads.phphttp://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22http://www.stmichaelshospital.com/programs/mentalhealth/mast-materials.phphttp://keltymentalhealth.ca/mindfulness-recordings-FORTEENShttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVA2N6tX2cg&t=4s-KIDSexplainmindfulness