Effective Listening

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Effective ListeningEffective Listening

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The single most important skill in personal The single most important skill in personal relationships, selling, negotiating, and relationships, selling, negotiating, and managing is managing is listeninglistening..

You can’t have a successful relationship You can’t have a successful relationship unless you are firmly committed to unless you are firmly committed to listening a listening a majoritymajority of the time. of the time.

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ListeningListening 60% in most relationships -The minimum60% in most relationships -The minimum 80% in some relationships - The maximum80% in some relationships - The maximum

If your partner won’t listen at least 20% of the time, it If your partner won’t listen at least 20% of the time, it is not a two-way relationship.is not a two-way relationship.

It’s a one-way relationship like in theater, movies, It’s a one-way relationship like in theater, movies, print, broadcasting, or cable -- you are the print, broadcasting, or cable -- you are the audience.audience.

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Listening is an essential component of communication.

The Communication Process

Source Message Channel Receiver

Listening

UnderstandingFeedback

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The Elements of the The Elements of the Communication ProcessCommunication Process

CaringCaring - The ignition system that starts - The ignition system that starts it and sparks it.it and sparks it.

RespectRespect - The generator that creates its - The generator that creates its own electricity and keeps it going.own electricity and keeps it going.

UnderstandingUnderstanding - The pistons that power - The pistons that power it forward.it forward.

FairnessFairness - The cooling system that - The cooling system that keeps it from overheating and running keeps it from overheating and running smoothly.smoothly.

The Power of Ethical Persuasion, Tom Rusk M.D., Viking, 1993

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Effective Communication Effective Communication Depends On:Depends On:

Source credibilitySource credibility Message strengthMessage strength Channel effectivenessChannel effectiveness Receiver characteristicsReceiver characteristics Listening effectivenessListening effectiveness Responsive feedbackResponsive feedback

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Effective CommunicationEffective Communication

Elements that enhance source credibility:Elements that enhance source credibility: TrustworthinessTrustworthiness CompetenceCompetence ObjectivityObjectivity ExpertiseExpertise Physically AttractivenessPhysically Attractiveness DynamismDynamism SimilaritySimilarity

““People like and trust people exactly like themselves.”People like and trust people exactly like themselves.”

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Elements that enhance message strength:Elements that enhance message strength: Two-sided argumentTwo-sided argument Ordering effectsOrdering effects

Primacy and recencyPrimacy and recency KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid)KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid)

USP (Unique Selling Proposition)USP (Unique Selling Proposition) Focus on benefits to the other personFocus on benefits to the other person

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Channel effectivenessChannel effectiveness Face-to-face most effectiveFace-to-face most effective

Full, two-way verbal and non-verbal communication Full, two-way verbal and non-verbal communication with instant feedbackwith instant feedback

Video (film, TV, e.g.) next most effective.Video (film, TV, e.g.) next most effective. Audio (radio, e.g.) next.Audio (radio, e.g.) next.

Video and audio can convey emotion and control Video and audio can convey emotion and control emphasis, even though they are one-way.emphasis, even though they are one-way.

Print least effective unless the message is Print least effective unless the message is complex.complex.

Can’t convey emotion, one-way. Can’t convey emotion, one-way.

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Receiver characteristics that affect Receiver characteristics that affect communication:communication: IntelligenceIntelligence

The receiver can understand and evaluate messages.The receiver can understand and evaluate messages. Self-confidenceSelf-confidence

The receiver trusts self to evaluate communication The receiver trusts self to evaluate communication and make an assured decision.and make an assured decision.

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Effective Listening is the foundation on Effective Listening is the foundation on which effective communication rests.which effective communication rests.

You can improve not only You can improve not only youryour listening listening effectiveness but also the listening effectiveness but also the listening effectiveness of your partner on the road effectiveness of your partner on the road to agreement.to agreement.

The beginning of knowledge, learning, The beginning of knowledge, learning, relationships, communication, and relationships, communication, and conversation is a conversation is a questionquestion -- an open- -- an open-ended question.ended question.

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Effective ListeningEffective Listening Ask an open-ended question.Ask an open-ended question. Adopt the proper attitude.Adopt the proper attitude.

– Optimistic, open, confident, trusting, Optimistic, open, confident, trusting, respecting, non-defensive, and non-judgmentalrespecting, non-defensive, and non-judgmental

Shut upShut up and listen. and listen. Listen activelyListen actively: nod, use gestures, smile : nod, use gestures, smile

(Responsive Feedback).(Responsive Feedback). Concentrate on the speakerConcentrate on the speaker..

Don’t take notes unless it’s absolutely Don’t take notes unless it’s absolutely necessary.necessary.

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Effective ListeningEffective Listening Do not step on sentences.Do not step on sentences. Do not respond to negatives, objections, Do not respond to negatives, objections,

concerns too quickly.concerns too quickly. If you do, you appear to be defensive.If you do, you appear to be defensive.

Do not think of a rebuttal.Do not think of a rebuttal. If you continually rebut arguments, you’ll stop If you continually rebut arguments, you’ll stop

getting them and won’t learn anything.getting them and won’t learn anything. If you think of a rebuttal while trying to listen, If you think of a rebuttal while trying to listen,

you can’t receive 100% of the information you you can’t receive 100% of the information you hear.hear.

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Respect the other side’s statements.Respect the other side’s statements. Respect and learn about their view of the Respect and learn about their view of the

world.world. Listen for themes.Listen for themes.

Risk averse, conservative, entrepreneurial, Risk averse, conservative, entrepreneurial, needs recognition, affiliation needs, goal needs recognition, affiliation needs, goal oriented, etc.oriented, etc.

Be very sensitive to emotional cues.Be very sensitive to emotional cues. Listen in synchronization – don’t mimic.Listen in synchronization – don’t mimic.

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Concentrate on the speaker (open body Concentrate on the speaker (open body language).language).

Acknowledge, don’t always agree.Acknowledge, don’t always agree. ““Oh,” “Uh-Uh,” “I see,” e.g.Oh,” “Uh-Uh,” “I see,” e.g. Don’t say “Good,” or “You’re right,” – judgmental.Don’t say “Good,” or “You’re right,” – judgmental.

Do not react emotionally.Do not react emotionally. Control your emotions.Control your emotions.

Listen with authenticity.Listen with authenticity. Be yourself, others can tell when you’re not Be yourself, others can tell when you’re not

sincere.sincere.

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What good listeners What good listeners don’tdon’t do: * do: * InterruptInterrupt Respond too soon.Respond too soon. Editorialize in midstream.Editorialize in midstream. Jump to conclusions.Jump to conclusions. Judge the speaker.Judge the speaker. Try to solve the problem too quickly.Try to solve the problem too quickly. Take calls or interruptions in the course of a Take calls or interruptions in the course of a

meeting.meeting.

* The Trusted Advisor, David Maister et al, Free Press, 2000

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Non-Verbal CommunicationNon-Verbal Communication Non-verbal communication conveys 65% Non-verbal communication conveys 65%

of a message’s meaning.of a message’s meaning. Look for individual body language.Look for individual body language.

No universal body language.No universal body language. Use gestures, space, openness, and your Use gestures, space, openness, and your

body language to:body language to: Give the message you care about and like the Give the message you care about and like the

other person.other person. Match their style and paceMatch their style and pace..

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Non-Judgmental ListeningNon-Judgmental Listening

Listen, understand andListen, understand and accept other accept other people’s perception of the world.people’s perception of the world. Spend time in their shoes.Spend time in their shoes.

Develop a non-threatening, non-Develop a non-threatening, non-confrontational attitude so people feel confrontational attitude so people feel secure in opening up, revealing personal secure in opening up, revealing personal information.information. Offer personal information first and then trade it.Offer personal information first and then trade it. Find something you have in common with the Find something you have in common with the

other person.other person.

Sales Effectiveness Training, Carl Zaiss and Thomas Gordon, Penguin Books, 1993

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Security creates an atmosphere of Security creates an atmosphere of openness, honesty, and trust.openness, honesty, and trust. Open discussion is now possible.Open discussion is now possible.

Remember, trust is the oil and grease that Remember, trust is the oil and grease that keeps the communication engine moving keeps the communication engine moving along the road to agreement.along the road to agreement.

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Vary your responses, otherwise listening Vary your responses, otherwise listening becomes a monotonous technique.becomes a monotonous technique.

Show genuine concern and caring.Show genuine concern and caring. ““I don’t care how much you know until I know I don’t care how much you know until I know

how much you care.”how much you care.” Never ask “Why?”Never ask “Why?”

No challengesNo challenges No obvious, manipulating techniques or leading No obvious, manipulating techniques or leading

questions: “Have you stopped beating your wife?” questions: “Have you stopped beating your wife?” e.g.e.g.

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Goals:Goals:1 To understand the other person’s needsTo understand the other person’s needs

Often, the other person just needs to talk.Often, the other person just needs to talk.

2 To understand another person’s unique To understand another person’s unique perception of their world.perception of their world.


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Listening RoadblocksListening Roadblocks

Denying, minimizing, Denying, minimizing, Cheering up, reassuring, encouragingCheering up, reassuring, encouraging Sympathy, indignation, me-tooing, story-Sympathy, indignation, me-tooing, story-

tellingtelling Advising, teachingAdvising, teaching

Become condescendingBecome condescending


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Listening RoadblocksListening Roadblocks

Taking over, rescuingTaking over, rescuing Analyzing, probing, playing detectiveAnalyzing, probing, playing detective Criticizing, moralizing, warningCriticizing, moralizing, warning Arguing, defending, counterattacking Arguing, defending, counterattacking

All of these responses are judgmental.All of these responses are judgmental. So the point is to shut up and listen and So the point is to shut up and listen and

acknowledge unemotionally … like a therapist acknowledge unemotionally … like a therapist does.does.


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1 Listen carefully, actively to other people.Listen carefully, actively to other people.2 Rephrase their position/objection.Rephrase their position/objection.

““Let me make sure I understand your Let me make sure I understand your position…you feel our prices are too high?”position…you feel our prices are too high?”

3 Get their agreement that you understand.Get their agreement that you understand. ““Is that correct?”Is that correct?”

4 Respond with a form of an “I understand” Respond with a form of an “I understand” statement (vary your responses)statement (vary your responses) ““I understand…,”I understand…,” “ “Feel, felt, found.”Feel, felt, found.”

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““Feel, Felt, Found”Feel, Felt, Found”

Respond:Respond: ““I understand how you I understand how you feelfeel …” …”

Acknowledges their feelings and honors them.Acknowledges their feelings and honors them. ““Many customers have Many customers have feltfelt the same way …” the same way …”

Reinforces and legitimizes their opinions so they Reinforces and legitimizes their opinions so they know they aren’t stupid or silly.know they aren’t stupid or silly.

““But we have But we have foundfound that higher prices are that higher prices are based on three things: highly targeted content, based on three things: highly targeted content, high demand, and high response rates. We high demand, and high response rates. We have a 95% renewal rate.”have a 95% renewal rate.”

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Effective Listening