2009 CSKLS Conference2009 CSKLS ConferenceUniversity of OttawaUniversity of Ottawa

Healthy RelationshipsHealthy Relationships

Jim Gustafson, Ed.D.Jim Gustafson, Ed.D.Messiah CollegeMessiah College

OutlineOutline

• Importance of relationshipsImportance of relationships• Assessment of relationshipsAssessment of relationships• Personality typesPersonality types• A bad exampleA bad example• Handling conflicts God’s wayHandling conflicts God’s way• Three applicationsThree applications• Tips for friendshipsTips for friendships• Tips for dating couplesTips for dating couples• Tips for married couplesTips for married couples

We are relational We are relational beings…beings…

Peter Walters writes: Relationships Peter Walters writes: Relationships are, without question, one of the are, without question, one of the most important things humans most important things humans have. Nearly everyone, when it have. Nearly everyone, when it comes down to it, would rather comes down to it, would rather give up careers, plans and give up careers, plans and ambitions, time and money, ambitions, time and money, comfort and security, and even comfort and security, and even health than lose someone he or health than lose someone he or she loves.she loves.

Relationships with Whom?Relationships with Whom?

• ParentsParents

• RelativesRelatives

• FriendsFriends

• Girl friend/boy friendGirl friend/boy friend

• EmployersEmployers

• TeammatesTeammates

• Teachers/ProfessorsTeachers/Professors

• SiblingsSiblings

• NeighborsNeighbors

• RoommatesRoommates

• ClassmatesClassmates

• Fellow workersFellow workers

• OpponentsOpponents

• CoachesCoaches

Current Status ofCurrent Status ofInterpersonal Relationships of Interpersonal Relationships of StudentsStudents

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

Poor Good

AllStudents

Males

Females

Desire for Improvement forDesire for Improvement forInterpersonal RelationshipsInterpersonal Relationships

0

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

None Small Moderate High

All Students

Men

Women

Experienced Parental Experienced Parental Separation or DivorceSeparation or Divorce

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

80

90

100

Yes No

All Students

Males

Females

Lived with Single Parent for a Lived with Single Parent for a Year or MoreYear or More

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

80

90

100

Yes No

All Students

Males

Females

Involved in a Serious Romantic Involved in a Serious Romantic RelationshipRelationship

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

Yes No

All Students

Males

Females

Experienced True Romantic Experienced True Romantic LoveLove

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

80

Yes No

All Students

Males

Females

Had Your “Heart Broken”Had Your “Heart Broken”

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

80

Yes No

All Students

Males

Females

Relational conflict lastingRelational conflict lasting more than 2 months more than 2 months

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

80

Yes No

All Students

Males

Females

Relational LonelinessRelational Lonelinesslasting more than 1 monthlasting more than 1 month

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70

Yes No

All Students

Males

Females

A Bad ExampleA Bad Example

• Joseph & his brothersJoseph & his brothers

• Joseph & Potiphar’s wifeJoseph & Potiphar’s wife

• Joseph & the chief cupbearerJoseph & the chief cupbearer

Personality TypesPersonality Types

Why did God make us all so Why did God make us all so different???different???

Answer: God loves variety!Answer: God loves variety!

• And He has gifted us for different And He has gifted us for different jobs to further His kingdom.jobs to further His kingdom.

• Each of us is unique and able to do a Each of us is unique and able to do a task better than others.task better than others.

• Check out the Spiritual gift inventory Check out the Spiritual gift inventory in your text.in your text.

Personality types compliment Personality types compliment our giftedness. No personality our giftedness. No personality is better than another, but is better than another, but some are more advantageous some are more advantageous for some jobs than are others. for some jobs than are others. Some personalities lend Some personalities lend themselves to certain themselves to certain situations, while others are situations, while others are more able to thrive in different more able to thrive in different environments. Isn’t it environments. Isn’t it wonderful that we are all wonderful that we are all different? different?

Myers-Briggs Personality ModelMyers-Briggs Personality Model

• (E) Extroversion(E) Extroversion

• (S) Sensing(S) Sensing

• (T) Thinking(T) Thinking

• (J) Judging(J) Judging

• (I) Introversion(I) Introversion

• (N) Intuition(N) Intuition

• (F) Feeling(F) Feeling

• (P) Perceiving(P) Perceiving

Conflicts are inevitable, Conflicts are inevitable, but…but…• We can chose how to solve them.We can chose how to solve them.

• We can decide how we react to them.We can decide how we react to them.

• We can love others even when we We can love others even when we have conflicts.have conflicts.

• We can give others the benefit of the We can give others the benefit of the doubt.doubt.

• We can always say “I’m sorry.”We can always say “I’m sorry.”

How to handle conflict!How to handle conflict!

• James 1:19-20James 1:19-20

• Don’t get angry….. breathe and relax Don’t get angry….. breathe and relax

• Romans 12:17-19 Romans 12:17-19

• Don’t get even…… let God take care of itDon’t get even…… let God take care of it

• Romans 12:20-21Romans 12:20-21

• Be kind to your enemiesBe kind to your enemies

• Don’t be overcome by evil, overcome evil Don’t be overcome by evil, overcome evil with goodwith good

Phil. 2: 1-2Phil. 2: 1-2

• We should be encouragedWe should be encouraged• United in ChristUnited in Christ• Comforted from His loveComforted from His love• Have fellowship with the SpiritHave fellowship with the Spirit• Demonstrate tenderness and compassionDemonstrate tenderness and compassion• Like-mindedLike-minded• Have the same loveHave the same love• Be one in spirit and purposeBe one in spirit and purpose

Phil. 2: 3-4Phil. 2: 3-4

• Do nothing out of selfish ambition or Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceitvain conceit

• But in humility consider others better But in humility consider others better than yourselvesthan yourselves

• Look after our own interestsLook after our own interests

• and also the interests of othersand also the interests of others

Phil. 2: 5-8Phil. 2: 5-8

• Your attitude should be the same as Your attitude should be the same as whose?whose?

• What was His attitude like?What was His attitude like?

Application 1Application 1

• A good friend hurts your feelings?A good friend hurts your feelings?– Natural responseNatural response– Supernatural responseSupernatural response

Application 2Application 2

• You work really hard on a group You work really hard on a group project for school and do most of the project for school and do most of the work. Then another group member work. Then another group member gets recognized for the outstanding gets recognized for the outstanding project.project.– Natural responseNatural response– Supernatural responseSupernatural response

Application 3Application 3

• In the dinning room, someone trips In the dinning room, someone trips you carrying your tray filled with food you carrying your tray filled with food . Everyone laughs at you and you . Everyone laughs at you and you feel totally embarrassed. feel totally embarrassed. – Natural responseNatural response– Supernatural responseSupernatural response

Tips for friendshipsTips for friendships

• Learn to enjoy other peopleLearn to enjoy other people

• Learn to accept those who are Learn to accept those who are different than youdifferent than you

• View others as God’s creationView others as God’s creation

• It is not what you It is not what you get outget out of the of the relationship, but what you can relationship, but what you can givegive to the relationship that is importantto the relationship that is important

Tips for dating couplesTips for dating couples

• Group date with other couples & singlesGroup date with other couples & singles

• Proceed slowlyProceed slowly

• Protect your emotionsProtect your emotions

• Communicate and share your thoughtsCommunicate and share your thoughts

• Avoid being alone to control the “physical”Avoid being alone to control the “physical”

• Pray togetherPray together

• Pray for your future spouse whomever it Pray for your future spouse whomever it will bewill be

The Marriage RelationshipThe Marriage Relationship

• 90% of Americans get married90% of Americans get married

• 50% of marriages end in divorce50% of marriages end in divorce

• God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16)God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16)

• What can we do?What can we do?

Tips for Men…Tips for Men…

• Love your wife as Christ loves the churchLove your wife as Christ loves the church

• Treat your wife with the deepest respectTreat your wife with the deepest respect

• Never put your wife down or make fun of Never put your wife down or make fun of her in publicher in public

• Always speak highly of herAlways speak highly of her

• Help her as much as you canHelp her as much as you can

• Pray for her and with her oftenPray for her and with her often

• Thank her for all she doesThank her for all she does

Tips for Men (continued)Tips for Men (continued)

• Protect herProtect her

• Support herSupport her

• Share your feelings with herShare your feelings with her

• Listen to herListen to her

• Make her feel specialMake her feel special

• Identify her love language and use itIdentify her love language and use it

• Leave no doubt in her mind that she is Leave no doubt in her mind that she is #1#1

Tips for Men (continued)Tips for Men (continued)

• Ask her often if there is anything you Ask her often if there is anything you can do for hercan do for her

• Do itDo it

• Pick up after yourself – she is not your Pick up after yourself – she is not your mothermother

• Help with the housework and kidsHelp with the housework and kids

• Continue to date her after you’re Continue to date her after you’re marriedmarried

Tips for DadsTips for Dads

• The most important thing you can The most important thing you can give to your children is your “time.”give to your children is your “time.”

• The most important thing you can do The most important thing you can do for your children is to “love their for your children is to “love their mother.”mother.”

Tips for WomenTips for Women

• Submit to your husband’s leadershipSubmit to your husband’s leadership

• Support him in his endeavorsSupport him in his endeavors

• Enjoy his companionshipEnjoy his companionship

• Create a home where he loves to beCreate a home where he loves to be

• Help him overcome his feelings of Help him overcome his feelings of inadequacyinadequacy

• Pray for him and with him oftenPray for him and with him often

Tips for bothTips for both

• The purpose of marriage is The purpose of marriage is companionship – enjoy each other’s companionship – enjoy each other’s companycompany

• In God’s eyes you are oneIn God’s eyes you are one

• You are a team, not opponentsYou are a team, not opponents

• Cooperate, don’t competeCooperate, don’t compete

• Help each other as much as possibleHelp each other as much as possible

Tips for both (continued)Tips for both (continued)

• Allow for the imperfections of the otherAllow for the imperfections of the other

• Always try to be on the same pageAlways try to be on the same page

• Live on a budgetLive on a budget

• Live on less than you makeLive on less than you make

• Happiness does not come from the Happiness does not come from the abundance of your possessions, but abundance of your possessions, but rather in the quality of your relationshipsrather in the quality of your relationships

Healthy RelationshipsHealthy Relationships

The EndThe End