Everyone, well mostly the uber conservative right,  is making a big stink  these days about  the changing  tide  of  the American  landscape.    Turn on  the news, and all you hear about  is socialism this, or  fascism  that.   Gloom  and doom  are  the hot  topic  right now,  just  like every other day of the  year  for  the  past  century.    And  who  can blame  the media?   Rainbows, puppies, and  sun‐shine never  really make any money  the  tobacco industry driven media circus.  But what about the one  topic nobody has  seen  fit  to mention?   The topic  that was,  in  the not so distant past, at  the forefront of our own little slice of Americana here at ASU – totalitarianism.

That’s right, I said it.  Bet you never thought that  such  a  serene,  friendly  institution  like  our own could be capable of one of the most heinous and  brutal  ruling  ideologies  known  to  the  free world.   Oh, the things you can  learn.   And sadly, though  there  have  been  many  improvements, there have also been just as many cover‐ups, lies, and  backdoor  deals  that  have  secretly  kept  the totalitarian reign alive in the underground of our fair school  to  this day. Hop  in my way back ma‐chine  and  I’ll  tell  you  all  about  it.    *insert flashback music*

See,  back when ASU was  still  know  as  San Angelo College,  I  think  that’s what  it was  called but  who  knows,  the  ancient  scrolls  have  been long since  lost, burned, or buried under the Uni‐versity  President’s  house  (along  with  Jimmy Hoffa),  the elders of our now prestigious  institu‐tion  conceived  of  a  plan  to  transform  the  then small college  into a university.   A grand  idea, by all accounts, and many of the townspeople were more than happy to oblige this change because it would  boost  economy, morale,  and  pre‐marital sex which, as we know results  in pregnancy (and ball cancer) 100% of the time, thus increasing the population.   However,  there was one  small  con‐tingency of people who did not desire this change – the Quakers.   They saw the streamlining of the college  to  a  university  as  an  affront  to God  be‐

cause of  the  influx of population and  the  lack of bathrooms.

Time passed, and the college became a uni‐versity, much to the dismay of the Quakers.   The founding  fathers  of  the  university  quickly  had them  all  killed,  maimed,  or  forced  them  into death   marches   to   Fredricksburg   and Shiner.   Many  lives were  lost on  those marches, and  the production of oatmeal  fell 234%, doom‐ing the world to eat grits (bleck!).  With the Quak‐ers  gone,  the  fathers  of  the  now  Angelo  State University school needed to come up with a mar‐ketable brand  logo and mascot.   After much de‐bate,  and  days  of  cuddling,  they  decided  upon the  elegant,  yet  powerful,  ram  –  an  icon  that endures  today.   Majestic  as  the  ram might  be, they needed a way to  lure unsuspecting children to  sporting  events  and  indoctrinate  them  with the ASU blue and gold.  Since Barack Obama was‐n’t  around  to  speak  to  school  children  yet  be‐cause  he  was  still  schlepping  around  Kenya  or Mongolia or wherever  the hell he’s  really  from, the fathers of the university settled on a cartoon ram named Tuffy to gain the trust and interest of the  children.    But  something  still  wasn’t right.  Plenty of young boys were hip on ASU, but barely any girls, which would have sufficed if ASU were run by priests like at Notre Dame (or if that pesky women’s  liberation  front  had  never  hap‐pened*). Thus, Scooter was born as a life partner and  viable  option  to  dupe  young  girls  into  the ASU atmosphere.

For a while, things went swimmingly at ASU – there were plenty of new faces on campus, the sports teams still had team members alive at the end of  the  games,  and  there was much  fornica‐tion.   Then  came  the 1960’s, a  time of dramatic change,  a  time  of  peace,  love,  political  unrest, and  drugs  all  across  the  nation.    Dark  days  lay ahead  for  the  fathers of ASU.    It was during  this time,  that  Tuffy,  the 

Continued on page 3

By: The Bear Jew

Volume 7, Issue 4 The Day of Beer 

September 25, 2009 

Beer truck unload

 

ASU: Home, Sweet, Home or Devil’s Playground?

Angelo State’s Finest Pap

er Since Fall 2006 

Something to Read

 in Class Today 

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” —Benjamin Franklin

Quote of the Week

2

George Ferguson’s Ramdiculous Reader Involvement 

Each week, or occasionally, our old “rant man” G‐Ferg will be challenging you, the Ramdiculous Readers to write an article about a RANDOM topic.  Are  you  ready  to  take  the  challenge?    You  will  win  things,  you  never know, it could be a t‐shirt or a trip to the Bahamas or even a new CAR!!!  The choice to participate is yours and yours alone… now enter the Tem‐ple of George Ferguson’s nightmares, here is your first challenge... 

What do you think about Angelo State traditions?

O b a m a F i l e s Well, this week is our beer issue, so I thought it fitting to discuss President Obama’s taste in beer. In one blog I looked at, they were discussing what beer would be served for Officer Crowley, Profes‐sor Gates, and the President. It pointed out that Officer Crowley’s favorite was Blue Moon (very good choice, sir) and that Professor Gates’  favorite  was  Red  Stripe  (yet  another  winner),  so  what  is our  President’s  favorite  beer? Well,  according  to Wiki  Answers, which is by all accounts the most reliable source on the internet, his  favorite beer  is Bud Light. Are you  freaking kidding me? Bud 

Light?  Don’t  get  me  wrong,  bud  light  is  ok, especially  when  you’re  looking  for  some‐thing  cheap  but  not  well…  Keystone,  but come on! He can afford good beer; he’s rich! And if he’s trying to make himself sound like a  good  American  drinking  a  good  American 

beer,  well  swing  and  a  miss  Mr.  Presi‐dent.  Anheuser  Busch  was  bought out  by  InBev  SA,  a  Belgian  com‐pany, last year. So does our Presi‐dent  really  have  bad  taste  in beer? Or does he just not drink beer, so he doesn’t know any better? Either way, I am very disappointed.  

Beer: one of life’s greatest things. Everyone may marvel at modern medicine and space travel but booze is one of the few things that has lasted us though the ages since the dawn of man. I mean come on it makes you fill great and the ladies look even prettier than they are ready are. Let’s face it booze is great, in fact it is so great that the Germans thought of this creato: “Drink beer to kill the weaker brain cells so that the stronger ones would work harder and more ef f i -cient.” Drink your heart out cause booze makes the world go round in a somewhat circle. Drink to enjoy the flavor, to get over a women, to get the cour-age to talk to a women, to stand in line at midnight for the re-lease of Halo ODST, drink to get drunk. Do it legally though because if not you go to jail where guys named Bubba will be your new lover. I mean this

cause Bubba don’t buy you flowers or dinner afterwards. He just leaves, jerk. So enjoy your inebriating drinks within the bonds of the law, unless you are on my ship the “dirty whore” in which the crew is required to drink or face being locked up in the brig with fifty kittens in heat. That would actually suck so if you are in the presence of captain fuzzybeard drink till you get alcohol poisoning.

Capt. FuzzyBeard

NOTICE: THE RAMDICULOUS PAGE DOES NOT CONDONE

DRINKING ALCHOL, ES-PECIALLY ON CAMPUS AND MINORS SHOULD NOT DRINK ALCOHOL UNLESS WITH THEIR

PARENT OR GUARDIAN OR WHERE OTHERWISE

PERMITTED, THIS APPLIES TO ALL

The Beer Time

3

affable mascot became interested in drugs,  dropping  acid  and  taking marijuana tablets, and sleeping with boys**.    This  did  not  sit well with the university elders who  told Tuffy that  if  he  did  not  change  his ways, there  would  be  swift  repercus‐sions.   Tuffy refused, and the elders did the only thing they could – they reimaged ASU’s  logo  and  had  Tuffy 

snuffed  out  by  the  replacement mascot,  Roscoe,  who  in those  days  was  a high  ranking made  man  for the  Gotti  fam‐ily.    Scooter was  worried  she would  be  next, so  she  commit‐ted  suicide  the next  day  in  a basement  surrounded  by  harlots and Jerry Garcia.

The  university  elders  decided that because of  the new mascot, 

and  a  generous  do‐nation  from  an unnamed  bene‐factor,  we  pre‐sume  it  to  be 

Satan, that the school needed to be revamped 

and  given  a  new logo.      However,  there 

would  be  much  trepidation  in this  decision, many  lives  would  be lost, and billions of dollars of embez‐

zled and laundered money would be spent.    That’s  a  story  for  another day.  Tune in next week for our con‐tinuation  of  this  dark,  remorseful story  as  we  continue  to  examine ASU’s  history  that we may  or may not have made up.

‐‐The Bear Jew  

*The Ramdiculous Page does not condone sexism.

**The Ramdiculous Page, while not gay, does not discriminate against those who choose to live the alternative lifestyle, although the 

prospect of butt sex is just weird. 

Continued from cover Tuffy

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           What would  you do  if  I  sang out  of  tune?  Would  you  stand  up  and walk out on me?  I bet you would, cause you’re a jerk.  But I can bet that there is at  least  one  time  that  you  would  stay and  listen  to me  ramble  and warble  in the most atrocious manner at the top of my lungs. And that, dear friends, would be  if  I,  you,  or  both  of  us,  were  com‐pletely and utterly smashed. Yep, you’d stick around then. And not just because I was  the one bought all of  the alcohol, you  freeloading  anus  face.  You’d  stay because  things  are much  funnier when you’re  drunk.    And  what’s  the  fastest, cheapest,  sometimes  most  disgusting because  the next day you wake up and taste  old  shoes  way  to  get drunk??....BEER!! 

            Yes,  beer  ‐  that  wonderful, magical  elixir  of  the  gods  that  makes the  hot  girl  slutty  and  the  ugly  chick bearable.    If  you  think about  it,  beer  is probably  the  only  true  friend  you have.    It’s  always  been  there  for  you, and  always  will  be,  unless  we  end  up having  another  Prohibition  Era.  God  it must  have  sucked  to  be  alive  in  the 1920’s.  But  what  is  it  about  beer  that always  has  us  clamoring  for  more, more, more?  How  do  you  like  it?  How do  you  like  it?  More,  more, 

more….Sorry, channeled Rachel Stevens for a minute.  Beer, for all its downsides like  causing  public  drunkenness,  bike theft,  and waking up  to  a  severe head‐ache next  to a disturbingly  large, pock‐marked  beached  whale,  is  intrinsically and  ethereally  good.    How  can  you  go wrong  with  liquid  bread  in  an  alumi‐num can?   You  just can’t, unless you’re drinking watered  down horse  piss  like Natural  Light,  Coors  Light,  or  Key‐stone.  With those three you should just beat your head against a wall  for  three hours, same effect. 

           And while getting hammered on  beer  is  fantastic,  how many  people neglect  the other  fantastic beers of  the world  just  because  they  don’t  want  to step  out  of  the  comfort  zone  and  be adventurous? Answer: too many. So, for you,  the  intrepid  Ramdiculoholic,  I submit  to  you  a  conglomeration  of beers  that  you  should  try,  along  with the reasons for this. Granted, a fair few of  these  are  hard  to  come  by  in  San Angelo,  or  even  the US,  but  well  worth the  wait  if  you  can make  trips  to Europe.  

1.S a m u e l Adam’s Oktoberfest –  simply  delicious. Fairly  hoppy,  but with  a  hint  of  Au‐tumn  brewed  right in. If you like rich, full bodied beer,  this  is  a must have. 

2.Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy – an all  around  taste  de‐light.  Light,  lemony, and  luscious.  Best enjoyed  with  barbe‐que,  but  is  great  all year  round.  Does smell like Pledge, but so what? 

3.K o s t r i t z e r Schwarzbier  –  a  trip 

down malt  lover’s  lane. Thick,  rich and dark with a clean finish. Nothing beats a dark German beer….nothing. 

4.Greene  King  IPA  –  aged  1  year before  bottling,  it  has  a  hoppy  taste with  slightly  bitter  finish.  That’s  what makes  it  great  though.  And  it  compli‐ments Mexican  food very well, big plus in Texas. 

5.Shiner  Commemorator  –  very dark,  hoppy  taste.  Finishes  with  a chocolate  malt  taste  that  twinges  the nose a bit. Probably my favorite beer in the world. 

  I  would  continue,  but  I  would 

sound like a huge alcoholic since I have tasted, and enjoyed, somewhere around 80  different  beers  in  this  lifetime  (and 123 in my previous life). Though, if you ever need a helping hand at discovering the nuance, subtlety, and complexity of a new beer to enjoy, you know where to find me. Prosit!  

—Samuel Clemens 

T h e D a y o f B e e r

Too many under-agers Memory forgetter

Class misser Overrated

Over promoted Oder enhanced Busted partier

GROSS!

-Joan of Arc

Campus Reflections: Beer

4

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Hello to all. In today’s issue of

the Ramdiculous page I was told to

talk about beer. Beer is crazy for all

those who drink it. If you are at

party and you see someone passed

out on the couch, it is highly encour-

aged that you draw funny shit on

their face. It’s not funny for them,

but it is hilarious to those watching

around them. IF you are remotely

attempted to draw on their face,

there may be a consequence from

the police. They will most likely give

you a big long speech on how its

drinking is wrong and you shouldn’t

drink and drive. Drinking and driv-

ing is very dangerous and you can

cause injuries to drunken people

walking down the street.

This article is meant to be a

little humorous but it is not meant to

be taken seriously. So please don’t

go around telling your friends and

parents that Krazy Kendra said it

was ok to draw on a drunken per-

son’s face. If you do happen to draw

on someone, you better watch your

back because when you get drunk

someone is going to draw on your

face. Or even worse someone might

place another drunken person next

to you and make both of you pup-

pets. Then next thing you won’t

realize is that someone videotaped

the whole thing and it is now posted

on YouTube the next morning.

Won’t you be the talk of the school

when class begins the next day? Also

as a fair warning, always have a desig-

nated driver among you. That is

unless the designated driver decides

the want to get totally wasted and

leaves you behind. Then you should

always have a fair backup plan.

The best idea would be to play

rock, paper, and scissors to see who

has to be the designated driver. If

you are the designated driver, please

don’t drink because you have to be

the one that videotapes the whole

thing and posts it on YouTube. This

example shows to never mess with

the designated driver because they

may but you on blast in front of your

class the next day. Also be well

aware of the nerds. If you mess with

them, they will seek revenge on you.

You all say the movie Revenge of

the Nerds at least once in your life

right? That movie is 100% true by

the way. That is all for me, it Krazy

Kendra signing out.

—Krazy Kendra

NOTICE: THE RAMDICULOUS PAGE DOES NOT CONDONE DRINKING ALCHOL,

ESPECIALLY ON CAMPUS AND MINORS SHOULD NOT DRINK ALCOHOL UNLESS WITH THEIR

PARENT OR GUARDIAN OR WHERE OTHERWISE

PERMITTED, THIS APPLIES TO ALL

ARTICLES IN THIE ISSUE 

Beer is yummy, beer is good

Beer tastes how a beverage should

Lagers, ales and porters too

Beer just makes me go WOOHOO! 

Poetry Time Dear Beer, I’m not real good at express‐

ing my feelings, but at this point in  our  relationship,  I  think  it’s time that I sit down and thanked you  for  everything  you’ve  done for me.

First,  I’d  like  to  thank  you for making  the  ladies at  the bar more attractive looking, which in turn boosts my  self  esteem and allows me  to  think more  highly of  myself  than  I  already  do. Thanks  for  making  puzzles  the slightest  bit  exciting,  and  walk‐ing  almost  impossible.  Thank you  for  helping me  get  a  good night sleep, even though by good night sleep I mean a rough morn‐ing  curled  up  around  the  toilet during my  first  three midterms. Thank  you  for  helping  me  be‐lieve  that  I was  a  good  juggler, while juggling apples in the Wal‐Mart produce section at 3  in the morning.  I am, however, a  little disappointed  that  the  security 

guard didn’t  find  it quite  as  en‐tertaining as I did. Thank you for making school both hard to go to and  a  couple  of  times  hard  to spell.  Thank  you  for  the  head‐aches that no amount of Tylenol can  cure,  the  memories  that others  have  of  me  and  the bumps and bruises that  I cannot recall. Thanks  for making What‐A‐Burger  taste  so  much  more amazing  than  it  usually  does.  I can’t thank you enough for help‐ing me  find  a  place  to  give me money  too  and  allowing me  to get  even  closer  with  the  San Angelo Police Department than I was before.

I  know  you’re  busy  with everything, but I was hoping that maybe  we  could  get  together this  weekend.  You  could  bring your friends if you’d like.

 Love,

Alvin Shabaz Jenkins

A Letter from a Lover

5

ADVERTISE WITH US. If you would like your ad to appear in the  

Ramdiculous Page, please contact us at ads@ramdiculous.com   

Advertising Guidelines 1.  Deadline  for  ads  to  be  submitted  is  1:00pm  the  Tuesday 

before publication. 2.  Ads will be received only if they are complete. Ramdiculous 

Page will not create any ads. 3.  Ad size will not exceed one‐quarter of a page. 4.  Organizations/events may have more  than one ad, but no 

organization/event will be allowed more than one‐quarter of a page in ad space. 

 Ramdiculous Page will not advertise  for any off‐campus event except  in  certain  circumstances,*  or  anything  of  questionable nature. This includes but is not limited to: 

Alcohol   <—haha this is the beer issue 

drugs 

tobacco 

illegal activities *Exceptions  to  this  rule  will  be  determined  the  staff  of  Ramdiculous Page 

Claire is an interesting person to say the least. She has a way of making you scratch your head and go “hmm…” with a lot of the things she does. That’s not all there is to her though. Claire is also an excel-lent volleyball player and a first class Pac Man player. You should see her; she tears those weird little monsters up! She is also the younger sister of Seth Chomout, so the fact that she turned out as well as she did (you know with out severe emotional trauma) is quite re-markable and really speaks to her character. Basically Claire is awesome, and those of you who don’t know her… well you’re probably just fine.  

RAM OF THE WEEK

Claire Chomout

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Top Ten

10. Dixie Cup 9. Bat 8. Beer Bong 7. Upside down 6. With your pants 

off 5. Off your  

girlfriend’s stomach 

4. With a straw 3. At the Alumni 

Center during Ram Jam 

2. For breakfast 1. Out of Das Boot 

Ways to drink beer  

Imagine This By: Sandy Arbor 

If Tom (the creator of Myspace) and the Facebook guys got together

for a beer which ends up being a drinking match and started

randomly singing Lindsay Lohan and Boys 2 Men songs  

CURIOUS STRANGERS: Hanzel and Lumpkin recount encounters with strange acquaintances.

By Allan Hanzel and Roy Lumpkin Disclaimer: If only this wasn’t true….

Hanzel:  Our  night  began  innocently enough  as we  pulled  from  the  Robert Massie  parking  lot,  off  on  a  grand  so‐journ  to  procure  some  good  eats,  set‐ting  out  due  to  the  fact  that  the  caf closes  early  on  Sundays.  Yeah,  great f****** job, ASU staff. Lumpkin:  There  we  were,  heading west  into  the  setting  sun  like  our  for‐bearers did all those years ago in their own white Ford Ranger covered Wag‐ons; souls ablaze with manifest destiny and gullets screaming for the slaughter of many a cow. Hanzel: After thirty minutes riding the loop‐ Lumpkin:  Which,  yes,  sounds  very kinky. Hanzel:  ‐we  came  to  three  distinct conclusions.  One,  the  radio  is  almost one  hundred  percent  certain  that  if you liked it you should have put a ring on it. Lumpkin:  Two,  whichever  mayor promised a chicken in every pot and a ceramic sheep on every corner did his job right. Hanzel: And  three,  although  the  inter‐net  swears  by  all  the  powers  that  be there  is  a  Popeye’s  in  San  Angelo, Mapquest  once  again  has  done  us  a great wrong. Lumpkin:  Should’ve  went  Google maps.  Damn  our  skewed  loyalties!  So finally we pulled  into  a  shopping  cen‐ter  and  decided  most  expediently  to sup on the cuisine of either Chick Fillet or the oh so scrumptious Wendy’s. Hanzel:  So  it  was  decided  that  we would  ride  the  waves  of  fate  in  the same  manner  as  the  late,  great,  fic‐tional  Harvey  Dent,  letting  a  coin  sail through the air to decide for us. Lumpkin:  The  dire  spirits  of  chance 

that  day decided  to  err  on  the  side  of the  Fillet.  The  spirits  of  ‘Closed  for Renovation’ had other ideas though. Hanzel: “All praise be to Dave Thomas, founder of  flavor!” And so we skipped like the merriest of men into the doors of the aforementioned Wendy’s. Lumpkin:  We  stepped  into  line  and that’s  when we  first  laid  eyes  on  her, the  mysterious,  mammoth,  man‐handed curious stranger. Hanzel:  I  couldn’t  take  my  eyes  from her  meaty  hairy  knuckled  paws  that she was then waving in the face of the bright‐eyed, naive cashier. Man  Hands:  “Look,  let  me  say  this again. I want a number 5 and I want it as difficult as possible.” Cashier: “Come again ma’am.” Man Hands:  “I want  the pickles  inside the beef. Not on. Not in. You’re going to slice  the  patty  open  and  insert  the pickles.  Then  I  need  to  swap  out  my drink  for  a  small  milkshake,  but  I’m lactose intolerant and unless you want me  crapping  violently  on  your  floor mid‐meal  then you’ll  cut out  the dairy part  of  the  that  shake  and  replace  it with  your  chili.  None  of  this  machine made sludge either. Hand stirred.” Hanzel: “There is a bear yelling at that cashier.” Lumpkin:  “No,  bears  don’t wear muu‐muus.” Man  Hands:“Now  for  my  fries  I  want onions  instead.  Not  onion  rings.  Fried onion sticks. Are you getting all this or am  I  going  to  have  to  report  your  in‐competency to your manager?” Lumpkin:  We  stood,  mouths  agape  in abject  terror at  the monstrous  female, a  burning  sense  of  pity  for  the  poor employee.  Hanzel  was  continuously jabbing  me  with  an  elbow,  speaking 

with  less  caution  than  the  situation warranted. Hanzel:  “Dude!  Man  hands!  Are  you seeing this shit!? Mine don’t even  look like that.” Lumpkin:  “Shut up! She  is  right  there! Three feet man! Keep your damn voice down!” Hanzel:  “Screw  you!  She’s  got  little forests  on  her  knuckles.  Aw  sick!  She has a wedding ring! You think she has the gall the touch people with those.” Lumpkin: “Do I need to take you out of here? You are a God awful excuse for a human. Shush!” Hanzel:  ”No!  Can  you  imagine  those things  caressing  a  child!  Prison,  she deserves prison!” Lumpkin:  Thankfully  the  lumbering behemoth  remained  ignorant  to  our presence  as  she  continued  to  berate the cashier who was now wiping copi‐ous amounts of sweat from his brow. Hanzel: We both crossed ourselves and said  a  silent  prayer  for  the  young  lad as  he  franticly  swept  his  fingers  over the  touchpad,  entering  an  order  so grotesque  not  even  a  mother  could love it. Lumpkin:  She  then  glared  back  at  us for  a  long  moment,  those  spite  filled eyes seemingly studying us with a feral muumuu hunger. Hanzel:  She  stood  aside  at  long  last and  we  placed  our  orders  in  shame, walking  back  to  take  our  seats  at  a booth,  giving  a  final  curious  glance back to the cruelly shaped marvel, still waiting on her meal. Lumpkin:  “Wait  dude.  Isn’t  that  your English TA?” Hanzel: “I hope not.”  

7

The Incredible Question What is your favorite kind of Beer? 

Jayton Bryan VanPelt the kind in my hand 

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Am I the only one that visualizes the literal meaning of what people say? For instance, let's say a colleague of mine happened to remark that she was feeling like a "fish out of water." If i heard that, I would automatically envision her flopping around on a desolate dock, trying her hardest to get a gasp of fresh air. Think about someone literally falling in love. What type of disgusting tub of goo would this love substance be? I think it would be comparable to purple pudding.

Imagine making a mountain out of molehills. I can see the look on all of those moles' faces when they get their hills taken for some experimental moun-tain-building escapade. They would be pissed off little rodents that would proba-bly seek some form of revenge. If I were you, I would be very weary of the path of a rodent's wrath.

I wonder if anyone has every frozen their feet in blocks of ice, just to be able to use the excuse that they couldn't make an event because they got cold feet. I have, unfortunately spilled the beans on several occasions. Literally.. Lots and lots of beans. A gargantuan array of beans scattered askew. It was a monumental day.

I worry about the nut job that hears things through the grapevine. Since wine is made from grapes, I wonder if it would be safe to assume that people that hear something "through the grapevine" were simply three sheets to the wind at the time. Three sheets to the wind? Where did that saying even come from? I picture three sheets of toilet tissue fluttering haphazardly through a windy monsoon. Everyone really should challenge them-selves to think literally about the ridicu-lous things that people say these days. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it will make a boring conversation go by with a lot more amusement. And if it doesn't, then you're back to square one. Bummer.

I'll see you on the flip side!

Pseudo Nim

*to save yourself from embarrassment, don't take the term "I'll see you on the

flip side" literally. If you flip over this piece of paper, I WILL NOT be there to

see you.

Jeff Harris Free 

Kelly Gee Yuengling Lager from the 

Northeast. 

Ally McKinney Beer of the root 

Jenn Doran Prichard My favorite beer is a  

margarita. 

Fish out of water

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Sudoku

Ramdiculous Observances Saturday

R. E. A. D. in America Day  (Start your day with a healthy dose of the Ramdiculous) 

Sunday

Ancestor Appreciation Day (Old people fart, and don’t 

even care, lucky!) 

Monday

Yom Kippur (Hey Jews, NO EATING) 

Tuesday VFW Day 

(Thank a vet, not the pet kind) 

Wednesday

National Women’s Health and Fitness Day 

Thursday

World Vegetarian Day (have YOU ever seen a  healthy vegetarian?) 

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF

MEATBALLS - 2D 3:15 5:45 8:15 10:45

FINAL DESTINATION:

DEATH TRIP - 2D 7:40 10:10

JENNIFER'S BODY

2:30 5:15 8:00 10:40

LOVE HAPPENS 1:35 4:25 7:15 10:05

THE INFORMANT!

2:05 4:55 7:45 10:35

9 - CinéArts 3:10 5:30 7:50 10:15

INGLOURIOUS

BASTERDS 3:55 7:55

THE TIME TRAVELER'S

WIFE 1:20 7:10

Movie Times

BLAME IT ON THE AH-AH AH-AH AH-AL-CO-HOL

Ah yes, beer. There comes a time in every young man/woman’s life that he or she delves into the fun and exciting adventures of alcohol. For some their experiences are new and fun, while others get drunk entirely too quickly and make an ass out of themselves by getting sick all over your driveway (not nam-ing names, cough person whose name starts with a J cough). The bottom line is that almost everyone has a story to tell you if you give them the time of day, and when I was told our format for this week was beer I threw up my arms in glory to the sky fully knowing that I had one (if not several) of these hum-dingers.

I was not like most kids at my high school. Alcohol and drinking underage did not appeal to me, namely because a scholarship was the only hope for me to get into col-lege. So not only was my head always buried in a book, but I had to make sure I didn’t get into any trouble that would keep me from getting said scholarship. I also wanted to be able to drink legally and not have it lose its appeal as it likely would for many of my classmates once they turned 21. So with that background in mine, let’s fast forward to my story!

Before I moved to where I live now, I use to live in a fancy shmancy upscale neighborhood where all the houses looked the same. At the top of this neighborhood are a bunch of much larger houses that belong to doctors, lawyers, etc. My best friend in the whole world just happens to live there. Often times I would go over to his house and we would drink and play video games, although the first couple of times more drinking than video games ensued. Even though he was not old enough to drink, his parents were home so it was legal. Anyways, one day we decide we are out of alcohol and that we should make a trip to Wally World and purchase some more. My friend was completely out of cash so I used a gift card that I won in a poker tournament at school and bought the beer. My

friend pointed out what he wanted and left out of the store way ahead of me and was standing in a row of cars next to his. On my way out I am immediately flagged down by a security guy from the store. I know he is a security guy because this is the same guy who wanted to check a trash can that my mom and I bought to make sure we didn’t stick anything in it to try and sneak out of the store when we moved. Anyways, he is walking up behind me full speed and quickening a little bit saying “Hey! Hey you!”. The first thought that ran through my head was one full of expletives and something I definitely cannot repeat. I immediately thought my life and future was over and I would be going to jail. If you have ever seen Ocean’s Eleven then you would know what I mean. I turn around and look at him, bag of beer in tow, and ask him what was up. Thank goodness he just had my ID I left on the counter and was chasing me down to give it back to me. My friend saw the whole thing go down and immediately laughed and continued to laugh all the way back home, and looking back on it now it was quite funny. The only reason that I was so nervous is because Wally World happens to be huge sticklers when it comes to purchasing for minors. I know this because one day I was with my very own MOTHER who bought a single bottle of beer and they carded me be-cause apparently I looked a little “young”. My friend constantly needles me about this to this day.

Anyways, here is a list of fun things to do while drinking beer, and a not so fun list of things to do while drinking beer: Do Don’t Do Strip Poker Real Poker Rock Band Calculus Homework Video Games Explore houses under construction Nature Walks Communicate Write artiklez Facebook, Myspace-Listen to classical music Cry like a ninnyboy