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ALSOBYLEILLOWNDES
HowtoFeelConfidentHowtoMakeAnyoneLikeYou
HowtoMakeAnyoneFallinLovewithYou
Contents
CoverTitlePageAlsobyLeilLowndesPreface:Havingitall
PartOne:Youonlyhavetensecondstoshowyou’reasomebodyTheincredible,inescapable,uniqueessenceofyou1Thefloodingsmile2Stickyeyes3Epoxyeyes4Hangbyyourteeth5Thebig-babypivot6Hellooldfriend7Limitthefidget8Hans’shorsesense9Watchthescenebeforeyoumakethescene
PartTwo:WhatdoIsayafterIsay‘hello’?Smalltalk,yourverbalwelcomemat10Themoodmatch11Prosaicwithpassion12AlwayswearaWhatzit13Whoozat?14Eavesdropin15Neverthenakedcity16Neverthenakedjob17Neverthenakedintroduction
18Beaworddetective19Theswivellingspotlight20Parroting21Encore!22Ac-cen-tu-atethepos-i-tive23Thelatestnews…don’tleavehomewithoutit
PartThree:Howtotalklikethebigboys’n’girlsWelcometothehumanjungle24Whatdoyoudo–NOT!25Thenutshellresume26Yourpersonalthesaurus27Killthequick‘me,too!’28Comm-YOU-nication29Theexclusivesmile30Don’ttouchaclichéwithaten-footpole31Usejawsmith’sjive32Callaspadeaspade33Trashtheteasing34It’sthereceiver’sball35Thebrokenrecord36Bigshotsdon’tslobber37Neverthenakedthankyou
PartFour:HowtobeaninsiderinanycrowdWhataretheyalltalkingabout?38Scrambletherapy39LearnalittleGobbledygook40Baringtheirhotbutton41Readtheirrags
42Clear‘custom’43Bluffingforbargains
PartFive:Why,we’rejustalike!We’relikepeasinapod44Beacopycat45Echoing46Potentimaging47Employempathizers48Anatomicallycorrectempathizers49Theprematurewe50Instanthistory
PartSix:Thepowerofpraise,thefollyofflatteryPraisereappraised51Grapevineglory52Carrierpigeonkudos53Impliedmagnificence54Accidentaladulation55Thekillercompliment56Littlestrokes57Theknee-jerk‘wow!’58Boomeranging59Thetombstonegame
PartSeven:DirectdialtheirheartsHowtobeahitinanothershow60Talkinggestures61Nameshower62Ohwow,it’syou!’63Thesneakyscreen
64Salutethespouse65Whatcolourisyourtime?66Constantlychangingoutgoingmessage67Yourten-secondaudition68Theho-humcaper69‘Ihearyourotherline’70Instantreplay
PartEight:HowtoworkapartylikeapoliticianworksaroomThepolitician’ssix-pointpartychecklist71Munchingormingling72Rubbernecktheroom73Bethechooser,notthechoosee74Come-hitherhands75Tracking76Thebusinesscarddossier77Eyeballselling
PartNine:LittletricksofbigwinnersThemosttreacherousglassceilingofall78Seenobloopers,hearnobloopers79Lendahelpingtongue80BaretheburiedWIIFM
81Let’emsavourthefavour82Titfor(wait…wait)tat83Partiesareforpratter84Dinner’sfordining85Chanceencountersareforchitchat86Emptytheirtanks87EchotheEMO
88Mygoof,yourgain89Leaveanescapehatch90Buttercupsfortheirboss91Leadthelisteners92Thegreatscorecardinthesky
BackAdsAfinalword:YourdestinyNotesSelectbibliographyAbouttheauthorCopyrightAboutthePublisher
Haveyoueveradmiredthosesuccessfulpeoplewhoseemtohaveitall?Youseethem chatting confidently at business meetings, comfortably at social parties.They’re theoneswith thebest jobs, thenicestspouses, thecoolest friends, thebiggestbankaccounts,themostfashionablepostcodes.Butwaitaminute!Alotof themaren’tcleverer thanyou.They’renotmore
educatedthanyou.They’renotevenbetterlooking!Sowhatisit?(Somepeoplesuspecttheyinheritedit.Otherssaytheymarriedit,orwerejustplainlucky.Tellthemtothinkagain.)Whatitboilsdowntoistheirmoreskilfulwayofdealingwithfellowhumanbeings.You see, nobodygets to the top alone.Over theyears, peoplewho seem to
‘have it all’ have captured the hearts and conquered theminds of hundreds ofotherswhohelpedboostthem,rungbyrung,tothetopofwhatevercorporateorsocialladdertheychose.Wannabes wandering around at the foot of the ladder often gaze up and
complainthattheBigBoysandBigGirlsatthetoparesnobs.WhenBigPlayersdon’tgive them their friendship, love,orbusiness, theycall them‘cliquish’oraccusethemofbelongingtoan‘old-boynetwork.’Somegrumbletheyhittheirheadsagainsta‘glassceiling.’The complaining Little Leaguers never realize the rejection was their own
fault.They’llneverknowtheyblewtheaffair,thefriendship,orthedealduetotheirowncommunicationsfumbles.Whydon’ttheyseeit?BecausesomeofthemovesBigWinnersmakearesosmooth,sosubtle,ittakesanotherBigWinnertorecognizethem.Theoldboys–inthedayswhentopmanagementwas,unfortunately,mainly
oldboys–complimentedeachotherbysaying,‘Buddy,youain’tnoaccident.’Theybestowedthisslangtributewithatingeofjealousywhenoneoldboysawsomesensitiveacttheotherhadexecuted.
Indeed,todaytheold(andnotsoold)boysandgirlswhorunourcountry,ourcorporations,andourarts‘ain’tnoaccident.’Eachhasabagoftricks,amagic,aMidastouchthatturnseverythingtheydointosuccess.What’sintheirbagoftricks?You’llfindalotofthings:There’sasubstance
thatsolidifiesfriendships,awizardry thatwinsminds,andamagic thatmakespeoplefallinlovewiththem.There’salsoaqualitythatmakesbosseshireandthenpromote,acharacteristicthatkeepsclientscomingback,andanasset thatmakescustomersbuyfromthemandnotthecompetition.Weallhaveafewofthosetricksinourbags,somemorethanothers.ThosewithawholelotofthemareBigWinners in life.How toTalk toAnyone givesyouninety-twoof theselittletricksusedbyBigWinnerssoyou,too,canplaythegametoperfectionandgetwhateveryouwantinlife.
Howthetechniquesweredeveloped
Manyyearsago,adramateacher,exasperatedatmybadactinginacollegeplay,shouted, ‘No! No! Your body is belying your words. Every tiny movement,everybodyposition,’hehowled,‘divulgesyourprivatethoughts.Yourfacecanmakeseventhousanddifferentexpressions,andeachexposespreciselywhoyouareandwhatyouarethinkingatanyparticularmoment.’ThenhesaidsomethingI’llneverforget:‘Andyourbody!Thewayyoumove isyourautobiographyinmotion.’Howrighthewas!On thestageof real life,everyphysicalmoveyoumake
subliminally tellseveryone ineyeshot thestoryofyour life.Dogshearsoundsourearscan’tdetect.Batsseeshapes in thedarkness thateludeoureyes.Andpeoplemakemovesthatarebeneathhumanconsciousnessbuthavetremendouspower to attract or repel. Every smile, every frown, every syllable you utter,every arbitrary choice ofword that passes between your lips, can drawotherstowardyou,ormakethemwanttorunaway.Men,didyourgutfeelingevertellyoutojumpshiponadeal?Women,did
yourwomen’sintuitionmakeyouacceptorrejectanoffer?Onaconsciouslevel,wemaynotbeawareofwhatthehunchis.Butliketheearofthedogortheeyeofthebat,theelementsthatmakeupsubliminalsentimentsareveryreal.Imagine,please, twohumansinacomplexboxwiredwithcircuits torecord
allthesignalsflowingbetweenthetwo.Asmanyas10,000unitsofinformationflow per second. ‘Probably the lifetime efforts of roughly half the adultpopulationoftheUnitedStateswouldberequiredtosorttheunitsinonehour’s
interactionbetweentwosubjects,’aUniversityofPennsylvaniacommunicationsauthorityestimates.1With the zillions of subtle actions and reactions zapping back and forth
betweentwohumanbeings,canwecomeupwithconcretetechniquestomakeoureverycommunicationclear,confident,credible,andcharismatic?Determined to find the answer, I read practically every book written on
communications skills, charisma, and chemistry between people. I exploredhundreds of studies conducted around the world on what qualities made upleadershipandcredibility.Intrepidsocialscientistsleftnostoneunturnedintheirquest to find the formula.Forexample,optimisticChinese researchers,hopingcharisma might be in the diet, went so far as to compare the relationship ofpersonality typeto thecatecholaminelevel insubjects’urine.2Needlesstosay,theirthesiswassoonshelved!Mostof the studies simplyconfirmedDaleCarnegie’s1936classic,Howto
WinFriendsandInfluencePeople.3Hiswisdomfortheagessaidsuccesslayinsmiling, showing interest in other people, and making them feel good aboutthemselves.‘That’snosurprise,’Ithought.It’sastruetodayasitwasoversixtyyearsago.SoifDaleCarnegieandhundredsofotherssinceofferthesameastuteadvice,
whydoanyofuslacktherightstufftowinfriendsandinfluencepeople?Supposeasagetoldyou,‘WheninChina,speakChinese’–butgaveyouno
languagelessons?DaleCarnegieandmanycommunicationsexpertsarelikethatsage. They tell uswhat to do, but not how to do it. In today’s sophisticatedworld, it’s not enough to say ‘smile’ or ‘give sincere compliments.’ Cynicalbusiness people today seemore subtleties in your smile,more complexities inyourcompliment.Accomplishedorattractivepeoplearesurroundedbysmilingsycophants feigning interest and fawning all over them. Prospects are tired ofsalespeople who say, ‘The suit looks great on you,’ when their fingers arecaressing cash register keys. Women are wary of suitors who say, ‘You arebeautiful,’whenthebedroomdoorisinview.Theworld isaverydifferentplace than itwas in1936,andweneedanew
formula for success. To find it, I observed the superstars of today. I exploredtechniquesusedbytopsalespeopletoclosethesale,speakerstoconvince,clergytoconvert,performerstoengross,sexsymbolstoseduce,andathletestowin.I found concrete building blocks to the elusive qualities that lead to their
success.
ThenIbrokethemdownintoeasilydigestible,news-you-can-usetechniques.Igaveeachanamethatwillquicklycometomindwhenyoufindyourselfinacommunications conundrum. As I developed the techniques, I began sharingthem with audiences around the US. Participants in my communicationsseminars gaveme their ideas.My clients,many of themCEOs of Fortune 500companies*,enthusiasticallyofferedtheirobservations.When I was in the presence of the most successful and beloved leaders, I
analyzed their body language, their facial expressions. I listened carefully totheircasualconversations,theirtiming,andtheirchoiceofwords.Iwatchedastheydealtwiththeirfamilies,theirfriends,theirassociates,andtheiradversaries.EverytimeIdetectedalittlenipofmagicintheircommunicating,Iaskedthemtopluckitoutwithtweezersandexposeittothebrightlightofconsciousness.We analyzed it together, and I then turned it into a technique others couldduplicateandprofitfrom.Inthisbookaremyfindingsandthestrokesofsomeof thoseveryeffective
folks.Somearesubtle.Somearesurprising.Butallareachievable.Whenyoumasterthem,everyonefromnewacquaintancestofamily,friends,andbusinessassociateswillhappilyopentheirhearts,theirhomes,theircompanies,eventheirwalletstogiveyouwhatevertheycan.There’s a bonus. As you sail through life with your new communications
skills,you’lllookbackandseesomeveryhappygiverssmilinginyourwake.
*Thetop500companiesintermsofturnovereveryyear,aslistedinFortunemagazine.
Therearetwokindsofpeopleinthislife:Thosewhowalkintoaroomandsay,
‘Well,hereIam!’Andthosewhowalkinandsay,
‘Ahh,thereyouare.’
Themomenttwohumanslayeyesoneachotherhasawesomepotency.Thefirstsight of you is a brilliant holograph. It burns its way into your newacquaintance’seyesandcanstayemblazonedinhisorhermemoryforever.Artists are sometimes able to capture this quicksilver, fleeting emotional
response. I have a friend, Robert Grossman, an accomplished caricature artistwhodrawsregularlyforForbes,Newsweek,SportsIllustrated,RollingStoneandotherpopularNorthAmericanpublications.Bobhasauniquegiftforcapturingnotonlythephysicalappearanceofhissubjects,butzeroinginontheessenceoftheirpersonalities.Thebodiesandsoulsofhundredsofluminariesradiatefromhissketchpad.Oneglanceathiscaricaturesoffamouspeopleandyoucansee,for instance, the insecure arrogance of Madonna, the imperiousness of NewtGingrich,thebitchinessofLeonaHelmsley.Sometimes at a party,Bobwill do aquick sketchon a cocktail napkinof a
guest. Hovering over Bob’s shoulder, the onlookers gasp as they watch theirfriend’s image and essence materialize before their eyes. When he’s finisheddrawing, he puts his pen down and hands the napkin to the subject. Often apuzzled look comes over the subject’s face.He or she usuallymumbles somepolitenesslike,‘Well,er,that’sgreat.Butitreallyisn’tme.’
Thecrowd’s convincingcrescendoof ‘Ohyes it is!’ drowns the subject outandsquelchesanylingeringdoubt.Theconfusedsubjectislefttostarebackattheworld’sviewofhimselforherselfinthenapkin.Oncewhen I was visiting Bob’s studio, I asked him how he could capture
people’spersonalitiessowell.Hesaid,‘It’ssimple.Ijustlookatthem.’‘No,’Iasked,‘Howdoyoucapturetheirpersonalities?Don’tyouhavetodo
alotofresearchabouttheirlifestyle,theirhistory?’‘No,Itoldyou,Leil,Ijustlookatthem.’‘Huh?’Hewentontoexplain,‘Almosteveryfacetofpeople’spersonalitiesisevident
from their appearance, their posture, the way theymove. For instance…’ hesaid,callingmeovertoafilewherehekepthiscaricaturesofpoliticalfigures.‘See,’Bobsaid,pointingtoanglesonvariouspresidentialbodyparts,‘here’s
the boyishness of Clinton,’ showing me his half smile; ‘the awkwardness ofGeorgeBush,’pointingtohisshoulderangle;‘thecharmofReagan,’puttinghisfingeron theex-president’s smilingeyes; ‘the shiftinessofNixon,’pointing tothe furtive tilt of his head. Digging a little deeper into his file, he pulled outFranklinDelanoRooseveltand,pointingtothenosehighintheair,‘Here’stheprideofFDR.’It’sallinthefaceandthebody.Firstimpressionsareindelible.Why?Becauseinourfast-pacedinformation-
overloadworldofmultiplestimulibombardinguseverysecond,people’sheadsarespinning.Theymustformquickjudgmentstomakesenseoftheworldandgetonwithwhattheyhavetodo.So,wheneverpeoplemeetyou,theytakeaninstantmentalsnapshot.Thatimageofyoubecomesthedatatheydealwithforaverylongtime.
Yourbodyshrieksbeforeyourlipscanspeak
Is theirdata accurate?Amazinglyenough,yes.Evenbeforeyour lipspart andthefirstsyllableescapes,theessenceofYOUhasalreadyaxeditswayintotheirbrains.Thewayyou look and thewayyoumove ismore than80per cent ofsomeone’sfirstimpressionofyou.Notonewordneedbespoken.I’velivedandworkedincountrieswhereIdidn’tspeakthenativelanguage.
Yet,without one understandable syllable spokenbetweenus, the years provedmyfirstimpressionswereontarget.WheneverImetnewcolleagues,Icouldtellinstantly how friendly they felt toward me, how confident they were, and
approximately howmuch stature they had in the company. I could sense, justfrom seeing them move, which were the heavyweights and which were thewelterweights.Ihavenoextrasensoryskill.You’dknow,too.How?Becausebeforeyouhave
had time to process a rational thought, you get a sixth sense about someone.Studieshaveshownemotionalreactionsoccurevenbeforethebrainhashadtimetoregisterwhat’scausingthatreaction.4Thusthemomentsomeonelooksatyou,heorsheexperiencesamassivehit,theimpactofwhichlaysthegroundworkforthe entire relationship. Bob told me he captures that first hit in creating hiscaricatures.DecidingtopursuemyownagendaforHowtoTalktoAnyone,Iasked,‘Bob,
ifyouwanted toportraysomebodyreallycool–youknow, intelligent, strong,charismatic,principled,fascinating,caring,interestedinotherpeople…’‘Easy,’Bob interrupted.Heknewpreciselywhat Iwasgettingat. ‘Justgive
’emgreatposture,aheads-uplook,aconfidentsmile,andadirectgaze.’It’stheidealimageforsomebodywho’saSomebody.
Howtolooklikeasomebody
A friend of mine, Karen, is a highly respected professional in the home-furnishingsbusiness.Herhusbandisanequallybignameinthecommunicationsfield.Theyhavetwosmallsons.Whenever Karen is at a home-furnishings industry event, everyone pays
deferencetoher.She’saVeryImportantPersoninthatworld.Hercolleaguesatconventions jostle for position just to be seen casually chattingwith her and,they hope, be photographed rubbing elbows with her for industry bibles likeHomeFurnishingsExecutiveandFurnitureWorld.Yet,Karencomplains,whensheaccompaniesherhusbandtocommunications
functions, shemight aswell be a nobody.When she takes her kids to schoolfunctions,she’sjustanothermum.Sheonceaskedme,‘Leil,howcanIstandoutfrom the crowd so peoplewho don’t knowmewill approachme and at leastassume I’m an interesting person?’ The techniques in this section accomplishpreciselythat.Whenyouusethenextninetechniques,youwillcomeacrossasaspecial person to everyone you meet. You will stand out as a Somebody inwhatevercrowdyoufindyourselfin,evenifit’snotyourcrowd.Let’sstartwithyoursmile.
Smilequick?orsmilespecial?
In1936,oneofDaleCarnegie’ssixmustsinHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeoplewasSMILE!Hisedicthasbeenechoedeachdecadebypracticallyeverycommunications guru who ever put pen to paper or mouth to microphone.However,attheturnofthemillennium,it’shightimewere-examinetheroleofthe smile in high-level human relations. When you dig deeper into Dale’sdictum, you’ll find a 1936 quick smile doesn’t always work. Especiallynowadays.The old-fashioned instant grin carries no weight with today’s sophisticated
crowd.Lookatworld leaders,negotiators, andcorporategiants.Nota smilingsycophant among them.KeyPlayers in allwalks of life enrich their smile so,whenitdoeserupt,ithasmorepotencyandtheworldsmileswiththem.Researchershavecatalogueddozensofdifferent typesofsmiles.Theyrange
fromthetightrubberbandofatrappedliartothesoftsquishysmileofatickledinfant.There arewarmsmiles andcold smiles.There are real smiles and fakesmiles. (You’ve seenplentyof thoseplasteredon the facesof friendswhosaythey’re ‘delightedyoudecided todropby,’andpresidentialcandidatesvisitingyour citywho say they’re ‘thrilled tobe in, uh…uh…’)BigWinners knowtheir smile isoneof theirmostpowerfulweapons, so they’ve fine-tuned it formaximumimpact.
Howtofine-tuneyoursmile
I have an old college friend namedMissy who, just last year, took over herfamilybusiness,acompanysupplyingcorrugatedboxes tomanufacturers.One
dayshecalledsayingshewascomingtoNewYorktocourtnewclientsandsheinvitedmetodinnerwithseveralofherprospects.Iwaslookingforwardtoonceagain seeing my friend’s quicksilver smile and hearing her contagious laugh.Missywasanincurablegiggler,andthatwaspartofhercharm.When herDad passed away last year, she toldme shewas taking over the
business.IthoughtMissy’spersonalitywasalittlebubblytobeaCEOinatoughbusiness.But,hey,whatdoIknowaboutthecorrugatedboxbiz?She, I, and three of her potential clients met in the cocktail lounge of a
midtownrestaurantand,asweledthemintothediningroom,Missywhisperedinmyear,‘PleasecallmeMelissatonight.’‘Ofcourse,’Iwinkedback,‘notmanycompanypresidentsarecalledMissy!’
Soonafterthemaitred’seatedus,IbegannoticingMelissawasaverydifferentwomanfromthegigglinggirl I’dknownincollege.Shewas justascharming.Shesmiledasmuchasever.Yetsomethingwasdifferent.Icouldn’tquiteputmyfingeronit.Althoughshewas still effervescent, Ihad thedistinct impressioneverything
Melissasaidwasmoreinsightfulandsincere.Shewasrespondingwithgenuinewarmth to her prospective clients, and I could tell they liked her, too. I wasthrilledbecausemyfriendwasscoringaknockoutthatnight.Bytheendoftheevening,Melissahadthreebignewclients.Afterward,alonewithherinthecab,Isaid,‘Missy,you’vereallycomealong
way sinceyou tookover the company.Yourwholepersonalityhasdeveloped,well,areallycool,sharpcorporateedge.’‘Uhuh,onlyonethinghaschanged,’shesaid.‘What’sthat?’‘Mysmile,’shesaid.‘Yourwhat?’Iaskedincredulously.‘Mysmile,’sherepeatedasthoughIhadn’theardher.‘Yousee,’shesaid,with
adistantlookcomingintohereyes,‘whenDadgotsickandknewinafewyearsI’d have to take over the business, he sat me down and had a life-changingconversation with me. I’ll never forget his words. Dad said, “Missy, Honey,rememberthatoldsong,‘ILovesYa,Honey,ButYerFeet’sTooBig?’”Well,ifyou’regoingtomakeitbigintheboxbusiness,letmesay,“Ilovesya,Honey,butyoursmile’stooquick.”‘Hethenbroughtoutayellowednewspaperarticlequotingastudyhe’dbeen
saving to showmewhen the timewas right. It concernedwomen inbusiness.
The study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life wereperceivedasmorecredible.’AsMissytalked,IbegantothinkaboutwomenlikeMargaretThatcher,Indira
Gandhi,GoldaMeir,MadeleineAlbright,andotherpowerfulwomenoftheirilk.True,theywerenotknownfortheirquicksmiles.Missycontinued,‘Thestudywentontosayabig,warmsmileisanasset.But
onlywhen it comesa little slower, because then it hasmore credibility.’Fromthatmomenton,Missyexplained, shegaveclientsandbusinessassociatesherbig smile.However, she trainedher lips to eruptmore slowly.Thusher smileappearedmoresincereandpersonalizedfortherecipient.Thatwasit!Missy’sslowersmilegaveherpersonalityaricher,deeper,more
sincere cachet.Though the delaywas less than a second, the recipients of herbeautifulbigsmilefeltitwasspecial,andjustforthem.I decided to domore research on the smile.Whenyou’re in themarket for
shoes, you begin to look at everyone’s feet.When you decide to change yourhairstyle,you lookateveryone’shaircut.Well, for severalmonths, Ibecameasteadysmilewatcher.Iwatchedsmilesonthestreet.IwatchedsmilesonTV.Iwatchedthesmilesofpoliticians,theclergy,corporategiants,andworldleaders.Myfindings?Amidsttheseaofflashingteethandpartinglips,Idiscoveredthepeople perceived to have the most credibility and integrity were just ever soslower to smile. Then,when they did, their smiles seemed to seep into everycrevice of their faces and envelop them like a slow flood. Thus I call thefollowingtechniqueTheFloodingSmile.Technique1:
ThefloodingsmileDon’tflashanimmediatesmilewhenyougreetsomeone,asthoughanyonewhowalkedintoyourlineofsightwouldbethebeneficiary.Instead,lookattheotherperson’sfaceforasecond.Pause.Soakintheirpersona.Thenletabig,warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into youreyes.Itwillengulf therecipient likeawarmwave.Thesplit-seconddelayconvincespeopleyourfloodingsmileisgenuineandonlyforthem.
Let us now travel but a few inches north to two of the most powerfulcommunicationstoolsyoupossess,youreyes.
Howtodetonatethosegrenadesrestingonyournose
It’s only a slight exaggeration to sayHelen ofTroy could sink shipswith hereyes and Davy Crockett could stare down a bear. Your eyes are personalgrenadesthathavethepowertodetonatepeople’semotions.Justasmartialartsmasters register their fists as lethal weapons, you can register your eyes aspsychological lethal weapons when you master the following eye-contacttechniques.Big Players in the game of life look beyond the conventional wisdom that
teaches ‘Keep good eye contact.’ For one, they understand that to certainsuspiciousorinsecurepeople,intenseeyecontactcanbeavirulentintrusion.When I was growing up, my family had a Haitian housekeeper whose
fantasieswerefilledwithwitches,warlocksandblackmagic.ZolarefusedtobeleftaloneinaroomwithLouie,mySiamesecat.‘Louielooksrightthroughme–seesmysoul,’she’dwhispertomefearfully.Insomecultures,intenseeyecontactissorcery.Inothers,staringatsomeone
can be threatening or disrespectful. Realizing this, Big Players in theinternationalsceneprefertopackabookonculturalbody-languagedifferencesintheircarry-onratherthanaBerlitzphrasebook.Inourculture,however,BigWinners know exaggerated eye contact can be extremely advantageous,especially between the sexes. In business, even when romance is not in thepicture,strongeyecontactpacksapowerfulwallopbetweenmenandwomen.ABostoncentreconductedastudytolearnthepreciseeffect.5Theresearchers
askedopposite-sex individuals tohavea two-minutecasualconversation.Theytrickedhalftheirsubjectsintomaintainingintenseeyecontactbydirectingthemtocountthenumberoftimestheirpartnerblinked.Theygavetheotherhalfofthesubjectsnospecialeye-contactdirectionsforthechat.
When they questioned the subjects afterward, the unsuspecting blinkersreportedsignificantlyhigherfeelingsofrespectandfondnessfortheircolleagueswho,unbeknowntothem,hadsimplybeencountingtheirblinks.I’veexperiencedthecloseness intenseeyecontactengenderswithastranger
firsthand.Once,whengivingaseminartoseveralhundredpeople,onewoman’sface in the crowd caught my attention. The participant’s appearance was notparticularly unique. Yet she became the focus ofmy attention throughoutmytalk.Why?Becausenotforonemomentdidshetakehereyesoffmyface.EvenwhenIfinishedmakingapointandwassilent,hereyesstayedhungrilyonmyface.Isensedshecouldn’twaittosavourthenextinsighttospoutfrommylips.I loved it!Herconcentrationandobviousfascination inspiredme to rememberstoriesandmakeimportantpointsI’dlongforgotten.Right after my talk, I resolved to seek out this new friend who was so
enthralledbymy speech.Aspeoplewere leaving the hall, I quickly sidledupbehindmy big fan. ‘Excuseme,’ I said.My fan keptwalking. ‘Excuseme,’ Irepeatedatadlouder.Myadmirerdidn’tvaryherpaceasshecontinuedoutthedoor.Ifollowedherintothecorridorandtappedhershouldergently.Thistimeshewhirledaroundwithasurprised lookonherface. Imumbledsomeexcuseaboutmyappreciatingherconcentrationonmytalkandwantingtoaskherafewquestions.‘Didyou,uh,getmuchoutoftheseminar?’Iventured.‘Well,notreally,’sheansweredcandidly.‘Ihaddifficultyunderstandingwhat
you were saying because you were walking around on the platform facingdifferentdirections.’In a heartbeat, I understood. The woman was hearing impaired. I did not
captivate her as I had suspected. She was not intrigued by my talk as I hadhoped.Theonlyreasonshekepthereyesgluedonmyfacewasbecauseshewasstrugglingtoreadmylips!Nevertheless, her eye contact had given me such pleasure and inspiration
duringmytalkthat,tiredasIwas,Iaskedhertojoinmeforcoffee.Ispentthenext hour recapping my entire seminar just for her. Powerful stuff this eyecontact.
Stickyeyesalsomeansintelligenteyes
Thereisyetanotherargumentforintenseeyecontact.Inadditiontoawakeningfeelingsof respect andaffection,maintaining strongeyecontactgivesyou theimpressionofbeinganintelligentandabstractthinker.Becauseabstractthinkersintegrate incoming datamore easily than concrete thinkers, they can continuelooking into someone’s eyes evenduring the silences.Their thoughtprocessesarenotdistractedbypeeringintotheirpartner’speepers.6Backtoourvaliantpsychologists.YaleUniversityresearchers, thinkingthey
hadtheunswervingtruthabouteyecontact,conductedanotherstudywhich,theyassumed,wouldconfirm‘themoreeyecontact,themorepositivefeelings.’Thistime, theydirectedsubjects todeliverapersonally revealingmonologue.Theyaskedthelistenerstoreactwithaslidingscaleofeyecontactwhiletheirpartnerstalked.Theresults?Allwentasexpectedwhenwomentoldtheirpersonalstoriesto
women.Increasedeyecontactencouragedfeelingsofintimacy.But,whoops,itwasn’t so with the men. Some men felt hostile when stared at too long byanotherman.Othermenfeltthreatened.Somefewevensuspectedtheirpartnerwasmoreinterestedthanheshouldbeandwantedtoslughim.Yourpartner’semotionalreactiontoyourprofoundgazehasabiologicalbase.
When you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and shoots anadrenaline-likesubstancegushingthroughtheirveins.7Thisisthesamephysicalreactionpeoplehavewhentheystarttofallinlove.Andwhenyouconsciouslyincrease your eye contact, even during normal business or social interaction,peoplewillfeeltheyhavecaptivatedyou.Men talking to women and women talking to men or women: use the
followingtechnique,whichIcallStickyEyes,forthejoyoftherecipient–andfor your own advantage. (Men, I’ll have a man-to-man modification of thistechniqueforyouinamoment.)
Technique2:
StickyeyesPretend your eyes are glued to your Conversation Partner’s with stickywarm toffee. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finishedspeaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly,stretchingthegooeytoffeeuntilthetinystringfinallybreaks.
Whataboutmen’seyes?
Nowgentlemen:whentalkingtomen,you,too,canuseStickyEyes.Justmakethema little less stickywhendiscussingpersonalmatterswithothermen, lestyourlistenerfeelthreatenedormisinterpretyourintentions.Butdoincreaseyoureyecontactslightlymorethannormalwithmenonday-to-daycommunications– anda lotmorewhen talking towomen. It broadcasts a visceralmessage ofcomprehensionandrespect.I have a friend, Sammy, a salesman who unwittingly comes across as an
arrogantchap.Hedoesn’tmeanto,butsometimeshisbrusquemannermakesitlooklikehe’srunningroughshodoverpeople’sfeelings.Oncewhilewewerehavingdinnertogetherinarestaurant,I toldhimabout
theStickyEyestechnique.Iguesshetookittoheart.Whenthewaitercameover,Sammy, uncharacteristically, instead of bluntly blurting out his orderwith hisnose in the menu, looked at the waiter. He smiled, gave his order for theappetizer,andkepthiseyeson thewaiter’s foranextrasecondbefore lookingdownagainatthemenutochoosethemaindish.Ican’ttellyouhowdifferentSammyseemedtomejustthen!Hecameacrossasasensitiveandcaringman,andallittookwastwoextrasecondsofeyecontact.Isawtheeffectithadonthewaiter,too.Wereceivedexceptionallygraciousservicetherestoftheevening.Aweek laterSammycalledmeandsaid, ‘Leil,StickyEyeshaschangedmy
life.I’vebeenfollowingittoaT.withwomen,Imakemyeyesrealsticky,andwithmenslightlysticky.Andnoweverybody’streatingmewithsuchdeference.Ithinkit’spartofthereasonI’vemademoresalesthisweekthanalllastmonth!’Ifyoudealwithcustomersorclientsinyourprofessionallife,StickyEyesisa
definiteboontoyourbottomline.Tomostpeopleinourculture,profoundeyecontactsignalstrust,knowledge,an‘I’mhereforyou’attitude.
Let’s carry Sticky Eyes one step further. Like a potent medicine that has thepower to kill or cure, the next eye-contact technique has the potential tocaptivateorannihilate.
Bringonthebigguns
Nowwehaulintheheavyeyeballartillery:verystickyeyesorsuperglueeyes.Let’scallthemEpoxyEyes.BigBossesuseEpoxyEyes toevaluateemployees.Police investigators use Epoxy Eyes to intimidate suspected criminals. Andclever Romeos use Epoxy Eyes to make women fall in love with them. (Ifromanceisyourgoal,EpoxyEyesisaprovenaphrodisiac.)TheEpoxyEyes technique takesat least threepeople topulloff–you,your
target,andoneotherperson.Here’showitworks:Usually,whenyou’rechattingwithtwoormorepeople,yougazeatthepersonwhoisspeaking.However,theEpoxyEyes technique suggests you concentrateon the listener–your target –ratherthanthespeaker.ThisslightlydisorientsTargetandheorshesilentlyasks,‘Whyisthispersonlookingatmeinsteadofthespeaker?’Targetsensesyouareextremely interested in his or her reactions. This can be beneficial in certainbusinesssituationswhenitisappropriatethatyoujudgethelistener.HumanresourcesprofessionalsoftenuseEpoxyEyes,notasatechnique,but
because they are sincerely interested in a prospective employee’s reaction tocertain ideas being presented. Lawyers, bosses, police investigators,psychologists,andotherswhomustexaminesubjects’reactionsalsouseEpoxyEyesforanalyticalpurposes.When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended with
completeconfidenceinyourself.ButbecauseEpoxyEyesputsyouinapositionofevaluatingorjudgingsomeoneelse,youmustbecareful.Don’toverdoitoryoucouldcomeacrossasarrogantandbrazen.
Technique3:
Epoxyeyes
This brazen technique packs a powerful punch.Watch your target personeven when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keeplookingatthemanorwomanyouwanttoimpact.SometimesusingfullEpoxyEyes is toopotent, sohere is agentler, yet
effective,form:Watchthespeakerbutletyourglancebouncetoyourtargeteachtimethespeakerfinishesapoint.ThiswayMrorMsTargetstillfeelsyou are intrigued by his or her reactions, yet there is relief from theintensity.
Whenloveisonyourmind
Ifromanceisonthehorizon,EpoxyEyestransmitsyetanothermessage.Itsays,‘Ican’ttakemyeyesoffyou’or‘Ionlyhaveeyesforyou.’Anthropologistshavedubbed eyes ‘the initial organ of romance’ because studies show intense eyecontactplayshavocwithourheartbeat.8Italsoreleasesadruglikesubstanceintoournervoussystemcalledphenylethylamine.Sincethisisthehormonedetectedinthehumanbodyduringeroticexcitement, intenseeyecontactcanbeaturn-on.Men, Epoxy Eyes is extremely effective on women – if they find you
attractive. The lady interprets her nervous reaction to your untoward gaze asbudding infatuation. If she does not like you, however, yourEpoxy Eyes aredownrightobnoxious.(NeveruseEpoxyEyesonstrangers inpublicsettingsoryoucouldgetarrested!)DoyourememberthelyricstotheoldShirleyBasseysong?
Theminuteyouwalked in the joint, Icouldseeyouwereamanofdistinction–arealbigspender.Goodlooking,sorefined.Saywouldn’tyouliketoknowwhat’sgoing
oninmymind?
The goal of this first section is not tomake you look like a real big spender.RatheritistogiveyouthecachetofarealbigSomebodythemomentpeoplelayeyesonyou.Tothatend,wenowexplorethemostimportanttechniquetomakeyoulooklikeaVeryImportantPerson.
‘Theminuteyouwalkedinthejoint,Iknewyouwerearealbigwinner’
Whenthedoctorsmacksyourkneewiththatnastylittlehammer,yourfootjerksforward.Thus thephraseknee-jerkreaction.Yourbodyhasanother instinctivereaction.WhenabigjoltofhappinesshitsyourheartandyoufeellikeaWinner,yourhead jerksup automatically andyou throwyour shouldersback.A smileframesyourlipsandsoftensyoureyes.This is the lookWinners have constantly. They standwith assurance. They
movewith confidence.They smile softlywithpride.Nodoubt about it!Goodposturesymbolizesyouareamanorwomanwhoisusedtobeingontop.Obviously millions of mothers sticking their knuckles between their kids’
shoulder blades, and trillions of teachers telling students, ‘Stand up straight!’hasn’tdone the trick.Weareanationofslouchers.Weneeda techniquemorestern than teachers, more persuasive than parents, to make us stand like aSomebody.Inoneprofession,perfectposture,perfectequilibrium,perfectbalanceisnot
onlydesirable–it’samatteroflifeanddeath.Onefalsemove,oneslumpoftheshoulders,onehangdoglook,canmeancurtainsforthehigh-wireacrobat.I’llneverforgetthefirsttimeMamatookmetothecircus.Whensevenmen
andwomen raced into the centre ring, the crowd rose as though theywere alljoinedat thehips.Theycheeredwithonethunderousvoice.MamapressedherlipsagainstmyearandreverentlywhisperedtheseweretheGreatWallendas,theonlytroupeintheworldtoperformtheseven-personpyramidwithoutanet.In an instant, the crowd became hushed.Not a cough or a Coke slurpwas
heard in thebig topasKarlandHermanWallendashoutedcues inGerman totheir trustingrelatives.Thefamilymeticulouslyandmajesticallyascended intothepositionofahumanpyramid.Theythenbalancedprecariouslyonathinwire
hundredsoffeetabovetheharddirtwithnonetbetweenthemandsuddendeath.Thevisionwasunforgettable.Tome,equallyunforgettablewasthebeautyandgraceofthesevenWallendas
racingintothecentreofthebigtoptotaketheirbows.Eachperfectlyaligned–head high, shoulders back – standing so tall it still didn’t seem like their feetweretouchingtheground.Everymuscle in theirbodiesdefinedpride,success,andtheirjoyofbeingalive.(Still!)HereisavisualizationtechniquetogetyourbodylookinglikeaWinnerwhoisinthehabitoffeelingthatpride,success,andjoyofbeingalive.
Yourpostureisyourbiggestsuccessbarometer
Imagineyouareaworld-renownedacrobat,masteroftheiron-jawactwaitinginthewingsoftheRinglingBros.andBarnum&Baileycircus.Soonyouwilldartintothecentreringtocaptivatethecrowdwiththeprecisionandbalanceofyourbody.Beforewalkingthroughanydoor–thedoortoyouroffice,aparty,ameeting,
evenyourkitchen–picturealeatherbithangingbyacablefromtheframe.Itisswinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass through the door,throwyourheadbackandchompontheimaginarydentalgripwhichfirstpullsyourcheeksbackintoasmile,andthenliftsyouup.Asyouascendhighabovethe gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect alignment – head high,shouldersback,torsooutofhips,feetweightless.Atthezenithofthetent,youspinlikeagraceful topto theamazementandadmirationof thecrowdcraningtheirneckstowatchyou.NowyoulooklikeaSomebody.Oneday, to testHangbyYourTeeth, I decided to count howmany times I
walkedthroughadoorway.Sixtytimes,evenathome.Youcalculate:twiceoutyourfrontdoor, twicein,sixtimestothebathroom,eighttimestothekitchen,andthroughcountlessdoorsatyouroffice.Itaddsup.Visualizeanythingsixtytimesadayanditbecomesahabit!HabitualgoodpostureisthefirstmarkofaBigWinner.
Technique4:
Hangbyyourteeth
Visualize a circus iron-jawbit hanging from the frame of every door youwalk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let itswoopyoutothepeakofthebigtop.WhenyouHangbyYourTeeth,everymuscleisstretchedintoperfectpostureposition.Youarenowreadytofloatintotheroomtocaptivatethecrowdorclose
thesale(ormaybejustsettleforlookinglikethemostimportantSomebodyintheroom).
YounowhaveallthebasicsBobtheartistneedstoportrayyouasaBigWinner.Like he said, ‘great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a directgaze.’Theidealimageforsomebodywho’saSomebody.
Nowlet’sputthewholeactintomotion.It’stimetoturnyourattentionoutwardtoyourConversationPartner.Use thenext two techniques tomakehimorherfeellikeamillion.
‘Well,howdoyoulikemesofar?’
Remembertheoldjoke?Thecomiccomesonstageandthefirstwordsoutofhismouthare,‘Well,howdoyoulikemesofar?’Theaudiencealwayscracksup.Why?Becauseweallsilentlyaskthatquestion.Wheneverwemeetsomeone,weknow,consciouslyorsubconsciously,howthey’rereactingtous.Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us? Do they
somehow recognizehowwonderful and specialwe are?We like thosepeople.They have good taste. Or do they turn away, obviously unimpressed by ourmagnificence.Thecretins!Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies sniffing each
otherout.Wedon’thavetailsthatwagorhairthatbristles.Butwedohaveeyesthatnarroworwiden.Andhandsthatflashknucklesorsubconsciouslysofteninthepalms-up‘Isubmit’position.Wehavedozensofotherinvoluntaryreactionsthattakeplaceinthefirstfewmomentsoftogetherness.Attorneysconductingvoirdireareexquisitelyawareof this.Theypayclose
attentiontoyourinstinctivebodyreactions.Theywatchtoseehowfullyyouarefacing themand just how far forwardor backyou’re leaningwhile answeringtheir questions. They check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up,signifying acceptance of the ideas they’re expressing? Or are you making aslight fist,knucklesout, signalling rejection?Theyscrutinizeyour face for thesplitsecondsyoubreakeyecontactwhendiscussingrelevantsubjectslikeyourfeelingsonbigawardsfordamages,or thedeathpenalty.Sometimesattorneysbring along a legal assistantwhose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and takeprecisenoteofyoureveryfidget.Aninterestingaside:triallawyersoftenchoosewomentodothistwitch-and-
turn spying job because, traditionally, females are sharper observers of subtle
bodycuesthanmales.Women,moresensitivetoemotionsthanmen,oftenasktheir husbands, ‘Is something bothering you, Honey?’ (These supersensitivewomen accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that theywouldn’tnoticeanythingiswronguntiltheirnecktiesaredrenchedinhertears.)The attorney and the assistant then review your ‘score’ on the dozens of
subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their tally, you could findyourselfonjurydutyortwiddlingyourthumbsbackinthejuror’swaitingroom.Triallawyersaresoconsciousofbodylanguagethat,inthe1960sduringthe
famous trialof theChicagoSeven,defenceattorneyWilliamKuntsleractuallymadealegalobjectiontoJudgeJuliusHoffman’sposture.Duringthesummationbytheprosecution,JudgeHoffmanleanedforwardwhich,accusedKuntsler,sentamessage to the juryofattentionand interest.Duringhisdefencesummation,complainedKuntsler,JudgeHoffmanleanedback,sendingthejuryasubliminalmessageofdisinterest.
You’reontrial–andyouonlyhavetenseconds!
Likelawyersdecidingwhethertheywantyouontheircase,everybodyyoumeetmakesasubconscious judgmentonwhether theywantyou in their lives.Theybase their verdict greatly on the same signals, your body-language answer totheirunspokenquestion,‘Well,howdoyoulikemesofar?’Thefirst fewmomentsofyour reactionsset thestageuponwhich theentire
relationship will be played out. If you ever want anything from the newacquaintance,yourunspokenanswer to theirunspokenquestion, ‘Howdoyoulikemesofar?’mustbe,‘Wow!Ireallylikeyou.’Whenalittlefour-year-oldfeelsbashful,heslumps,putshisarmsupinfront
ofhischest,stepsback,andhidesbehindmummy’sskirt.However,whenlittleJohnnyseesdaddycomehome,herunsuptohim,hesmiles,hiseyesgetwide,andheopenshisarmsforahug.Alovingchild’sbodyislikeatinyflowerbudunfoldingtothesunshine.Twenty, thirty, forty, fiftyyearsof lifeonearthmake littledifference.When
forty-year-oldJohnnyisfeelingtimid,heslumpsandfoldshisarmsinfrontofhis chest.When hewants to reject a salesman or business colleague, he turnsaway and closes him off with a myriad of body signals. However, whenwelcominghislovedonehomeafteranabsence,bigJohnnyopenshisbodytoherlikeagiantdaffodilspreadingitspetalstothesunafterarainstorm.
Respondtothehiddeninfant
OnceIwasatacorporatestar-studdedpartywithanattractiverecentlydivorcedfriendofmine.Carlahadbeenacopywriterwithoneoftheleadingadvertisingagencieswhich,likesomanycompaniesthen,haddownsized.Mygirlfriendwasbothoutofworkandoutofarelationship.Atthisparticularparty,thepickingsforCarlaweregood,bothpersonallyand
professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood talking, one good-lookingcorporatemalebeastoranotherwouldfindhimselfwithinafewfeetofus.Moreoftenthannot,oneofthesedesirablemaleswouldflashhisteethatCarla.Shesometimes graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over hershoulder.But thenshe’d turnback toourmundaneconversationas thoughshewerehangingonmyeveryword.Iknewshewastryingnottolookanxious,butinsideCarlawascryingout,‘Whydoesn’thecomeandspeaktous?’Right after one prize corporate BigCat smiled but, due to Carla’sminimal
reaction,wanderedbackintothesocialjungle,Ihadtosay,‘Carla,doyouknowwhothatwas?He’stheheadoftheYoung&RubicaminParis.They’relookingforcopywriterswillingtorelocate.Andhe’ssingle!’Carlamoaned.JustthenweheardalittlevoicedownbyCarla’sleftknee.‘Hello!’Welooked
down simultaneously. Little five-year-oldWillie, the hostess’s adorable youngson,wastuggingonCarla’sskirt,obviouslycravingattention.‘Well,well,well,’Carlacriedout,abigsmileeruptingalloverherface.Carla
turnedtowardhim.Carlakneeleddown.CarlatouchedlittleWillie’selbow.AndCarlacrooned,‘Well,hellothere,Willie.Howareyouenjoyingmummy’sniceparty?’LittleWilliebeamed.WhenlittleWilliefinallytrundledofftotugonthegarmentsofthenextgroup
ofpotential attentiongivers,Carla and I returned toourgrown-upconversing.Duringourchat,corporatebeastscontinuedtostalkCarlawiththeireyes.AndCarla continued casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointednoneofthemweremakingafurtherapproach.Ihadtobitemytongue.Finally,whenI felt itwasgoing tobleedfromthepressureofmy teeth, Isaid, ‘Carla,have you been noticing that four or five men have come over and smiled atyou?’‘Yes,’ Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the room lest
anyoneoverhearus.‘Andyou’vebeengivingthemlittlehalfsmiles,’Icontinued.
‘Yes,’shemurmured,nowconfusedatmyquestion.‘Remember when littleWillie came up and tugged on your skirt? Do you
recallhowyousmiledthatbeautifulbigsmileofyours,turnedtowardhim,andwelcomedhimintoourgrown-upconversation?’‘Yee-es,’sheansweredhaltingly.‘Well,Ihavearequest,Carla.Thenextmanwhosmilesatyou,Iwantyouto
givehimthatsamebigsmileyougaveWillie.Iwantyoutoturntowardhimjustlikeyoudidthen.MaybeevenreachoutandtouchhisarmlikeyoudidWillie’s,andthenwelcomehimintoourconversation.’‘OhLeil,Icouldn’tdothat.’‘Carla, do it!’ Sure enough, within a few minutes, another attractive man
wanderedourwayandsmiled.Carlaplayedherrole toperfection.Sheflashedherbeautifulteeth,turnedfullytowardhim,andsaid,‘Hello,comejoinus.’HewastednotimeacceptingCarla’sinvitation.Afterafewmoments,Iexcusedmyself.Neithernoticedmydeparturebecause
theywereinanimatedconversation.ThelastglimpseIhadofmyfriendatthepartywasherfloatingoutthedooronthearmofhernewfriend.JustthenthetechniqueIcalltheBig-BabyPivotwasborn.Itisaskillthatwill
help you win whatever your heart desires from whatever type of beasts youencounterinthesocialorcorporatejungle.
Technique5:
Thebig-babypivotGiveeveryoneyoumeettheBig-BabyPivot.Theinstantthetwoofyouareintroduced,rewardyournewacquaintance.Givethewarmsmile,thetotal-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke whocrawledup toyourfeet, turnedapreciousfaceup toyours,andbeamedabigtoothlessgrin.Pivoting100percenttowardNewPersonshouts‘Ithinkyouarevery,veryspecial.’
Remember,deepinsideeveryone isabigbabyrattlingthecrib,wailingoutforrecognitionofhowveryspecialheorsheis.
Thenexttechniquereinforcestheirsuspicionthattheyare,indeed,thecentreoftheuniverse.
Thesecrettomakingpeoplelikeyou
AverywisemanwiththefunnynameofZig9oncetoldme,‘Peopledon’tcarehowmuchyouknowuntil theyknowhowmuchyoucare…about them.’ZigZiglarisright.Thesecrettomakingpeoplelikeyouisshowinghowmuchyoulikethem!Your body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station revealing to anyone
withineyeshotpreciselyhowyoufeelatanygivenmoment.EvenifyourHangbyYourTeethpostureisgainingtheirrespect,yourFloodingSmileandBig-BabyPivot are making them feel special, and your Sticky Eyes are capturing theirheartsandminds,therestofyourbodycanrevealanyincongruence.Everyinch– from the crinkleofyour forehead to thepositionofyour feet–mustgive acommandperformance ifyouwant toeffectivelypresentan‘Icareaboutyou’attitude.Unfortunately,whenmeetingsomeone,ourbrainsareinoverdrive.Remember
Shakespeare’sJuliusCaesar?HesaidofCassius,he‘hasaleanandhungrylook–hethinkstoomuch–suchmenaredangerous.’Soitiswithourbrainswhenconversingwithanewacquaintance.Ourbrainsbecomelean. (Someofusarefightingoffshyness.Othersarefranticallysizingupthesituation.)Andhungry(we’redecidingwhat,ifanything,wewantfromthispotentialrelationship).Sowe think too much instead of responding with candid, unselfconsciousfriendliness. Such actions are dangerous to impending friendship, love, orcommerce.When our bodies are shooting off 10,000 bullets of stimuli every second, a
few shots are apt tomisfire and reveal shynessor hiddenhostility.Weneed atechniquetoassureeveryshotaimsrightattheheartofoursubject.Weneedtotrickourbodiesintoreactingperfectly.
To find it, let’s explore the only time we don’t need to worry about anyshynessornegativityslippingoutthroughourbodylanguage.It’swhenwefeelnone. That happens when we’re chatting with close friends. When we seesomeoneweloveorfeelcompletelycomfortablewith,werespondwarmlyfromhead to toewithouta thought.Our lipsparthappily.Westepcloser.Ourarmsreach out. Our eyes become soft and wide. Even our palms turn up and ourbodiesturnfullytowardourdearfriend.
Howtotrickyourbodyintodoingeverythingright
Here’s a visualization technique that accomplishes all that. It guarantees thateveryoneyouencounterwillfeelyourwarmth.IcallitHelloOldFriend.Whenmeetingsomeone,playamentaltrickonyourself.Inyourmind’seye,
seehimorherasanoldfriend,someoneyouhadawonderfulrelationshipwithyearsago.Butsomehowyoulosttrackofyourfriend.Youtriedsohardtofindyourgoodbuddy,buttherewasnolistinginthephonebook.Noinformationon-line.Noneofyourmutualfriendshadaclue.Suddenly,WOW!Whatasurprise!Afterall thoseyears, the twoofyouare
reunited.Youaresohappy.That’s where the pretending stops. Obviously, you are not going to try to
convince New Person that the two of you are really old friends. You are notgoingtohugandkissandsay,‘Greattoseeyouagain!’or‘Howhaveyoubeenalltheseyears?’Youmerelysay,‘Hello,’‘Howdoyoudo,’‘Iampleasedtomeetyou.’But,inside,it’saverydifferentstory.Youwillamazeyourself.Thedelightofrediscoveryfillsyourfaceandbuoys
up your body language. I sometimes jokingly say if you were a light, you’dbeamontheotherperson.Ifyouwereadog,you’dbewaggingyourtail.YoumakeNewPersonfeelveryspecialindeed.
Technique6:
HellooldfriendWhenmeetingsomeone,imagineheorsheisanoldfriend(anoldcustomer,anoldbeloved,orsomeoneelseyouhadgreataffectionfor).Howsad,thevicissitudesoflifetoreyoutwoasunder.But,holymackerel,nowtheparty(the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost oldfriend!
The joyful experience starts a remarkable chain reaction in your bodyfromthesubconscioussofteningofyoureyebrowstothepositioningofyourtoes–andeverythingbetween.
Inmyseminars, I firsthavepeople introduce themselves toanotherparticipantbefore they’ve learned the Hello Old Friend technique. The group chats asthough at a pleasant semi-formal gathering. Later I ask them to introducethemselvestoanotherstranger,imaginingtheyareoldfriends.Thedifferenceisextraordinary.Whenthey’reusingHelloOldFriend,theroomcomesalive.Theatmosphere is chargedwith good feeling. The air sparkleswith happier, high-energypeople.Theyarestandingcloser, laughingmoresincerely,andreachingouttooneanother.IfeellikeI’mattendingaterrificbashthat’sbeengoingonforhours.
Notawordneedbespoken
TheHello Old Friend technique even supersedes language.Whenever you’retravellingincountrieswhereyoudon’tspeakthenativetongue,besuretouseit.If you find yourself with a group of people who are all speaking a languageunknowntoyou,justimaginethemtobeagroupofyouroldfriends.EverythingisfineexcepttheymomentarilyforgothowtospeakEnglish.Inspiteofthefactyouwon’tunderstandaword,yourwholebodystillrespondswithcongenialityandacceptance.I’ve used the Hello Old Friend technique while travelling in Europe.
SometimesmyEnglish-speaking friendswho live there tellme theirEuropeancolleaguessayIamthefriendliestAmericanthey’veevermet.Yet,we’dneverspokenawordbetweenus!
Aself-fulfillingprophesy
AnaddedbenefittotheHelloOldFriendtechniqueisitbecomesaself-fulfillingprophesy.When you act as though you like someone, you start to really likethem. An Adelphi University study called, appropriately, ‘Believing AnotherLikesorDislikesYou:BehavioursMakingtheBeliefsComeTrue’provedit.10Researchers toldvolunteers to treatunsuspectingsubjectsas though they likedthem. When surveyed later, the results showed the volunteers wound up
genuinely liking the subjects. The unsuspecting subjects were also surveyed.These respondents expressed much higher respect and affection for thevolunteerswhopretendedtheylikedthem.Whatitboilsdowntois:Lovebegetslove,likebegetslike,respectbegetsrespect.UsetheHelloOldFriendtechniqueandyouwill soonhavemanynew‘old friends’whowindupgenuinely likingyou.
You now have all the basics to come across to everyone you meet as aSomebody,afriendlySomebody.Butyourjobisn’toveryet.Inadditiontobeingliked,youwanttoappearcredible,intelligent,andsureofyourself.Eachofthenextthreetechniquesaccomplishesoneofthosegoals.
Howtocomeacrossas100percentcredible
Ihaveafriend,ahighlyrespectedheadhunternamedHelen.Helenmakesterrifichires for her clients. I once asked her the secret of her success. She said,‘ProbablybecauseIcanalmostalwaystellwhenanapplicantislying.’‘Howcanyoutell?’She said, ‘Well, just last week, I was interviewing a young woman for a
position asmarketing director for a small firm. Throughout the interview, theapplicant had been sitting with her left leg crossed over her right. Her handswerecomfortablyrestinginherlapandshewaslookingdirectlyatme.‘Iaskedhersalary.Withoutswervinghereyesfrommine,shetoldme.Iasked
if she enjoyed her work. Still looking directly at me, she said, “yes.” Then Iaskedherwhysheleftherpreviousjob.’Helen said, ‘At that point, her eyes fleetingly darted away before regaining
eyecontactwithme.Then,whileansweringmyquestion,sheshiftedinherseatandcrossedherrightlegoverherleft.Atonepoint,sheputherhandsuptohermouth.’Helensaid, ‘That’sall Ineeded.Withherwordsshewas tellingmeshe felt
her“growthopportunitieswerelimitedatherpreviousfirm.”Butherbodytoldmeshewasnotbeingentirelyforthright.’Helenwentontoexplaintheyoungwoman’sfidgetingalonewouldn’tprove
shewaslying.Nevertheless,itwasenough,shesaid,thatshewantedtopursuethesubjectfurther.Helencontinued,‘SoItestedit.Ichangedthesubjectandwentbacktomore
neutral territory. I asked her about her goals for the future. Again, the girlstopped fidgeting. She folded her hands in her lap as she toldme how she’dalwayswantedtoworkinasmallcompanyinordertohavehands-onexperiencewithmorethanoneproject.
‘ThenIrepeatedmyearlierquestion.Iaskedagainifitwasonly thelackofgrowthopportunitythatmadeherleaveherpreviousposition.Sureenough,onceagain,thewomanshiftedinherseatandmomentarilybrokeeyecontact.Asshecontinuedtalkingaboutherlastjob,shestartedrubbingherforearm.’Helencontinuedtoprobeuntilshefinallyuncoveredthetruth.Theapplicant
had been fired due to a nasty disagreement with the marketing director sheworkedfor.Human resources professionalswho interviewapplicants andpolice officers
who interrogate suspected criminals are trained to detect lies. They knowspecificallywhatsignalstolookfor.Therestofus,althoughnotknowledgeableaboutspecificcluestodeceit,haveasixthsensewhensomeoneisnottellingusthetruth.Justrecentlyacolleagueofminewasconsideringhiringanin-housebooking
agent.Afterinterviewingonefellowshesaidtome,‘Idon’tknow.Idon’treallythinkhehasthesuccessheclaims.’‘Youthinkhe’slyingtoyou?’Iasked.‘Absolutely.AndthefunnythingisIcan’ttellwhy.Helookedrightatme.He
answeredallmyquestionsdirectly.Therewas just something thatdidn’t seemright.’Employers often feel thisway. They have a gut feeling about someone but
theycan’tputtheirfingeronit.Becauseofthat,manylargecompaniesturntothepolygraph.Thepolygraph,orliedetector,isamechanicalapparatusdesignedtodetectifsomeoneislying.Banks,chemists,andgrocerystoresrelyheavilyonit forpre-employment screening.TheFBI, JusticeDepartment, andmostpolicedepartmentshaveusedthepolygraphonsuspects.Andtheinterestingpartisthepolygraph is not a lie detector at all! All the machine can do is detectfluctuations in our autonomic nervous system– changes in breathing patterns,sweating, flushing, heart rate, blood pressure, and other signs of emotionalarousal.So is it accurate? Well, yes, often it is. Why? Because when the average
person tellsa lie,heorshe isemotionallyarousedandbodilychangesdo takeplace.Whenthathappens,theyfidget.Experiencedortrainedliars,however,canfoolthepolygraph.
Bewaretheappearanceoflying,evenwhenyou’retellingthetruth
Problems arise for us when we are not lying, but are feeling emotional orintimidatedbythepersonwearetalkingwith.Ayoungmantellinganattractivewoman about his business success might shift his weight. A woman talkingabouthercompany’strackrecordtoanimportantclientcouldrubherneck.Moreproblemsariseoutoftheatmosphere.Abusinessmanwhodoesn’tfeel
nervousatallcouldloosenhiscollarbecausetheroomishot.Apoliticiangivingaspeechoutdoorscouldblinkexcessivelybecausetheairisdusty.Eventhougherroneous,thesefidgetymovementsgivetheirlistenersthesensesomethingjustisn’trightoragutfeelingthey’relying.Professionalcommunicatorsarealerttothishazard.Theyconsciouslysquelch
anysignsanyonecouldmistakeforshiftiness.Theyfixaconstantgazeontheirlistener.Theyneverputtheirhandsontheirfaces.Theydon’tmassagetheirarmwhenit tingles,or rub theirnosewhenit itches.Theydon’t loosen theircollarwhenit’shotorblinkbecauseit’ssandy.Theydon’twipeawaytinyperspirationbeadsinpublicorshieldtheireyesfromthesun.Theysufferbecausetheyknowfidgeting undermines credibility. Consider the infamous September 25, 1960,televised US presidential debate between Richard Milhous Nixon and JohnFitzgerald Kennedy. Political pundits speculate Nixon’s lack of make-up, hisfidgetingandmoppinghisbrowoncameralosthimtheelection.
Technique7:
LimitthefidgetWhenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your eartingle,oryourfootprickle.Donotfidget,twitch,wiggle,squirm,orscratch.And above all, keep your paws away fromyour face.Handmotions nearyour face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’refibbing.
IfyouwanttocomeacrossasanentirelycredibleSomebody,trytosquelchallextraneous movement when your communication counts. I call the techniqueLimittheFidget.
Nowlet’stackleintelligence.‘What?’youask.‘Canpeoplecomeacrossasmoreintelligent than they reallyare?’Well,didyoueverhearofHans, thecountinghorse?Hanswasconsideredthemostintelligenthorseinhistory,andheusedthetechniqueI’mabouttosuggest.
Howtomakethemsay‘you’vegothorsesense’
Ahorse,averycleverhorsenamedHans,inspiresthisnexttechnique.Hanswasowned by Herr von Osten, a Berliner, who had trained Hans to do simplearithmeticbytappinghisrightfronthoof.SoprodigiouswasHans’sabilitythatthe horse’s fame quickly spread throughout Europe in the early 1900s. HebecameknownasCleverHans,thecountinghorse.HerrvonOsten taughtHans todomore than justadd.Soon thehorsecould
subtract and divide. In time, Clever Hans even mastered the multiplicationtables. The horse became quite a phenomenon.Without his owner uttering asingle word, Hans could count out the size of his audience, tap the numberwearingglasses,orrespondtoanycountingquestiontheyaskedhim.Finally,Hansachievedtheultimateability thatseparatesmanfromanimal–
language.Hans‘learned’thealphabet.Bytappingouthoofbeatsforeachletter,he answered any question about anything humans had read in a newspaper orheard on the radio. He could even answer common questions about history,geography,andhumanbiology.Hansmadeheadlinesandwas themain topicofdiscussionatdinnerparties
throughout Europe. The ‘human horse’ quickly attracted the attention ofscientists,psychologyprofessors,veterinarians,evencavalryofficers.Naturallytheyweresceptical,sotheyestablishedanofficialcommissiontodecidewhetherthe horse was a case of clever trickery or equine genius. Whatever theirsuspicions, it was obvious to all, Hans was a very smart horse. Compared tootherhorses,HanswasaSomebody.Cuttotoday.Whyisitwhenyoutalkwithcertainindividualsyoujustknow
theyaresmarterthanotherpeople–thattheyareaSomebody?Oftenthey’renotdiscussing highfalutin’ subjects or using long words. Nevertheless, everybodyknows.Peoplesay,‘She’ssmartasawhip,’‘Hedoesn’tmissatrick,’‘Shepicks
up on everything,’ ‘He’s got the right stuff,’ ‘She’s got horse sense.’ WhichbringsusbacktoHans.The day of the big test arrived. Everyonewas convinced itmust be a trick
orchestratedbyHerrvonOsten,Hans’sowner.Therewasstandingroomonlyintheauditoriumfilledwithscientists, reporters,clairvoyants,psychicsandhorseloverswhoeagerlyawaited theanswer.Thecannycommissionmemberswereconfident thiswas theday theywouldexposeHansaschicanerybecause they,too,hadatrickuptheirsleeves.TheyweregoingtobarvonOstenfromthehallandputhishorsetothetestallalone.When the crowd was assembled, they told von Osten he must leave the
auditorium. The surprised owner departed, and Hans was stranded in anauditoriumwithasuspiciousandanxiousaudience.TheconfidentcommissionleaderaskedHansthefirstmathematicalquestion.
Hetappedouttherightanswer!Asecond.Hegotitright!Thenathird.Thenthelanguagequestionsfollowed.Hegotthemallright!Thecommissionwasbefuddled.Thecriticsweresilenced.However, the public wasn’t. With a great outcry, they insisted on a new
commission. The world waited while, once again, the authorities gatheredscientists,professors,veterinarians,cavalryofficers,and reporters fromaroundtheworld.OnlyafterthissecondcommissionputHanstothetestdidthetruthaboutthe
clever horse come out. Commission number two started the enquiryperfunctorily with a simple addition problem. This time, however, instead ofaskingthequestionoutloudforalltohear,oneresearcherwhisperedanumberin Hans’s ear, and a second researcher whispered another. Everyone expectedHans to quickly tap out the sum. But Hans remained dumb! Aha! Theresearchers revealed the truth to the waiting world. Can you guess what thatwas?Here’sahint:whentheaudienceorresearcherknewtheanswer,Hansdid,too.
Nowcanyouguess?People gave off very subtle body-language signals themomentHans’s hoof
gave the right number of taps. When Hans started tapping the answer to aquestion, the audiencewould show subtle signs of tension. Then, whenHansreached the right number, they responded by an expulsion of breath or slightrelaxationofmuscles.VonOstenhadtrainedHanstostoptappingatthatpoint,andthereforeappeartogivetherightanswer.
Hans was using the technique I callHans’s Horse Sense. He watched hisaudiences’reactionsverycarefullyandplannedhisresponsesaccordingly.
Ifahorsecandoit,socanyou
HaveyoueverbeenwatchingTVwhenthephonerings?Someoneasksyoutohitthemutebuttononthetelevisionsotheycantalk.Becausethere’snosoundnow, you watch the TV action more carefully. You see performers smiling,scowling,smirking,squinting,andscoresofotherexpressions.Youdon’tmissabit of the story because, just from their expressions, you can tellwhat they’rethinking.Hans’sHorseSenseisjustthat–watchingpeople,seeinghowthey’rereacting,and thenmakingyourmovesaccordingly.Evenwhileyou’re talking,keep your eyes on your listeners and watch how they’re responding to whatyou’resaying.Don’tmissatrick.Are they smiling? Are they nodding? Are their palms up? They like what
they’rehearing.Are they frowning? Are they looking away? Are their knuckles clenched?
Maybetheydon’t.Aretheyrubbingtheirnecks?Aretheysteppingback?Aretheirfeetpointing
towardthedoor?Maybetheywanttogetaway.Youdon’tneedacompletecourseinbodylanguagehere.Alreadyyourlife’s
experiencehasgivenyouagoodgrounding in that.Mostpeopleknow if theirConversation Partners step back or look away, they’re not interested in whatyou’resaying.Whentheythinkyou’reapaininthenecktheyrubtheirs.Whentheyfeelsuperiortoyou,theysteepletheirhands.We’ll explore more body-language specifics in Technique # 77: Eyeball
Selling.For themoment,allyouneed todo is tune to thesilentchannelbeingbroadcastbythespeaker.
Technique8:
Hans’shorsesenseMake it ahabit togetonadual trackwhile talking.Expressyourself,butkeep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying.Thenplanyourmovesaccordingly.If a horse can do it, so can a human. People will say you pick up on
everything.Younevermissatrick.You’vegothorsesense.
Younowhaveeighttechniquestohelpyoucomeacrossasaconfident,credible,and charismatic personwhomakes everyone he or she comes in contactwithfeel like amillion.Let’s exploreone last technique in this section toput it alltogetherandmakesureyoudon’tmissabeat.
Howtomakesureyoudon’tmissabeat
You’veseenprofessionalskiingontelevision?Theathleteatthetopofthepiste,everymuscleprimedandpoised,waitingfor theguntopropelhimtoultimatevictory. Look deeply into his eyes and you’ll see he is having an out-of-bodyexperience. Inhismind’s eye, the skier is swooshingdown the slope, zappingbackandforthbetweenthepoles,andslidingacrossthefinishlineinfastertimethantheworldthoughtpossible.Theathleteisvisualizing.All athletes do it: divers, runners, jumpers, javelin throwers, lugers,
swimmers, skaters, acrobats. They visualize their magic before performing it.They see their own bodies bending, twisting, flipping, flying through the air.Theyhearthesoundofthewind,thesplashinthewater,thewhirrofthejavelin,the thud of its landing. They smell the grass, the cement, the pool, the dust.Beforetheymoveamuscle,professionalathleteswatchthewholemovie,which,ofcourse,endsintheirownvictory.Sportspsychologists tellusvisualizationisnot justfor top-levelcompetitive
athletes. Studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen theirgolf,theirtennis,theirrunning,whatevertheirfavouriteactivity.Expertsagreeifyousee thepictures,hear thesounds,andfeel themovementsofyourbody inyourmindbeforeyoudotheactivity,theeffectispowerful.
‘Twenty-sixmilesonmymattress’
Psychological mumbo jumbo? Absolutely not! I have a friend, Richard, whorunsmarathons.Once,severalyearsago,ascantthreeweeksbeforethebigNewYorkmarathon,anout-of-controlcarcrashedintoRichard’sandhewastakento
thehospital.Hewasnotbadlyinjured.Nevertheless,hisfriendsweresorryforhimbecausebeinglaiduptwoweeksinbedwould,naturally,knockhimoutofthebigevent.Whatasurprisewhen,onthatcrispNovembermarathonmorninginCentral
Park,Richardshowedupinhislittleshortsandbigrunningshoes.‘Richard,areyoucrazy?You’reinnoshapetorun.You’vebeeninbedthese
pastfewweeks!’weallcriedout.‘Mybodymayhavebeeninbed,’hereplied,‘butI’vebeenrunning.’‘What?’weaskedinunison.‘Yep. Every day. Twenty-sixmiles, 385 yards, right there onmymattress.’
Richardexplainedthatinhisimaginationhesawhimselftraversingeverystepofthe course. He saw the sights, heard the sounds, and felt the twitchingmovementsinhismuscles.Hevisualizedhimselfracinginthemarathon.Richard didn’t do as well as he had the year before, but the miracle is he
finishedthemarathon,withoutinjury,withoutexcessivefatigue.Itwasallduetovisualization.Visualizationworksinjustaboutanyendeavouryouapplyitto–includingbeingaterrificcommunicator.Visualizationworksbestwhenyoufeeltotallyrelaxed.Onlywhenyouhavea
calmstateofmindcanyougetclear,vividimages.Doyourvisualizationinthequietofyourhomeorcarbeforeleavingfortheparty,theconvention,orthebig-dealmeeting.Seeitallinyourmind’seyeaheadoftime.
Technique9:
WatchthescenebeforeyoumakethesceneRehearse being the Super Somebody you want to be ahead of time. SeeyourselfwalkingaroundwithHangbyYourTeeth posture, shakinghands,smilingtheFloodingSmile,andmakingStickyEyes.Hearyourselfchattingcomfortablywitheveryone.Feel thepleasureofknowingyouare inpeakform and everyone is gravitating toward you.Visualize yourself a SuperSomebody.Thenitallhappensautomatically.
Younowhavetheskillsnecessarytogetyoustartedontherightfootwithanynewperson inyour life.Thinkofyourself in thesefirstmoments likea rockettakingoff.When the folks atCapeKennedy aima spacecraft for themoon, amistake in themillionthofadegreeat thebeginning,whenthecraft isstillonthe ground,meansmissing themoon by thousands ofmiles. Likewise, a tiny
body-languageblooperattheoutsetofarelationshipmaymeanyouwillnevermakeahitwiththatperson.ButwithFloodingSmile,StickyEyes,EpoxyEyes,HangbyYourTeeth,Big-BabyPivot,HelloOldFriend,LimittheFidget,Hans’sHorseSenseandWatchtheSceneBeforeYouMaketheScene,you’llberightoncourse to get whatever you eventually want from anybody – be it business,friendship,orlove.Wenowmovefromthesilentworldtothespokenword.
Justasthefirstglimpseshouldpleasetheireyes,yourfirstwordsshoulddelighttheir ears.Your tongue is awelcomemat embossedwith either ‘Welcome’ or‘GoAway!’TomakeyourConversationPartnerfeelwelcome,youmustmastersmalltalk.Small talk!Can you hear the shudder?Those two littlewords drive a stake
intotheheartsofsomeotherwisefearlessandundauntedsouls.Invitethemtoaparty where they don’t know anyone, and it mainlines queasiness into theirveins.If this sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the brighter the
individual, themoreheor shedetests small talk.Whenconsulting forFortune500 companies, I was astounded. Top executives, completely comfortablemakingbig talkwith theirboardsofdirectorsoraddressing theirstockholders,confessed they felt like little lost childrenatpartieswhere thepratterwas lessthanprodigious.Small-talkhaters, take furtherconsolation fromthe fact thatyouare instar-
studded company. Fear of small talk and stage fright are the same thing. Thebutterfliesyoufeelinyourstomachwhenyou’reinaroomfulofstrangersflutteraroundthetummiesoftopperformers.PabloCasalscomplainedoflifelongstagefright.CarlySimoncurtailedliveperformancesbecauseofit.AfriendofminewhoworkedwithNeilDiamondsaidheinsistedthewordsto‘SongSungBlue,’
atunehe’dbeencrooningforfortyyears,bedisplayedonhisteleprompter,lestfearfreezehimintoforgetfulness.
Issmall-talk-o-phobiacurable?
Someday, scientists say, communications fears may be treatable with drugs.They’realreadyexperimentingwithProzactochangepeople’spersonalities.Butsome fear disastrous side effects. The good news is that when human beingsthink,andgenuinelyfeel,certainemotions–likeconfidencetheyhavespecifictechniquestofallbackon–thebrainmanufacturesitsownantidotes.Iffearanddistasteofsmall talk is thedisease,knowingsolid techniques like theonesweexploreinthissectionisthecure.Incidentally, science is beginning to recognize it’s not chance or even
upbringingthatonepersonhasabellyofbutterfliesandanotherdoesn’t.Inourbrains,neuronscommunicatethroughchemicalscalledneurotransmitters.Somepeople have excessive levels of a neurotransmitter called norepinephrine, achemical cousin of adrenaline. For some children, just walking into akindergartenroommakesthemwanttorunandhideunderatable.As a tot, I spent a lot of time under the table.As a pre-teen in an all-girls
boardingschool,mylegsturnedtospaghettieverytimeIhadtoconversewithamale.Inhighschool,Ioncehadtoinviteaboytoourschoolprom.Theentireselectionofdancingmales lived in thedormitoryofourbrother school.And Ionly knew one resident, Eugene. I hadmet Eugene at summer camp the yearbefore.Musteringallmycourage,Idecidedtocallhim.Twoweeksbefore thedance, I felt theonsetof sweatypalms. Iput thecall
off.Oneweekbefore,rapidheartbeatsetin.Iputthecalloff.Finally,threedaysbeforethebigbash,breathingbecamedifficult.Timewasrunningout.Thecriticalmoment,Irationalized,wouldbeeasierifIreadfromascript.I
wrote out the following: ‘Hi, this is Leil. We met at camp last summer.Remember?’(IprogrammedinapausewhereIhopedhewouldsayyes.)‘Well,NationalCathedralSchool’spromis thisSaturdaynightandI’d likeyou tobemydate.’(IprogrammedinanotherpausewhereIprayedhe’dsayyes.)OnThursdaybeforethedance,Icouldnolongerdelaytheinevitable.Ipicked
upthereceiveranddialled.ClutchingthephonewaitingforEugenetoanswer,my eyes followed perspiration droplets rolling downmy arm and dripping offmyelbow.A small saltypuddlewas forming aroundmy feet. ‘Hello?’ a sexy,deepmalevoiceansweredthedormphone.
In faster-than-a-speeding-bullet voice, like a nervous novice telemarketer, Ishotout,‘Hi,thisisLeil.We-met-at-camp–last-summer-remember?’Forgettingtopause forhisassent, I racedon, ‘Well-National-Cathedral-School’s-prom-is-this-Saturday-night-and-I’d-like-you-to-be-my-date.’Tomyreliefanddelight,Iheardabig,cheerful‘Ohthat’sgreat,I’dloveto!’I
exhaledmy first normal breath all day.He continued, ‘I’ll pick you up at thegirl’sdormatseventhirty.I’llhaveapinkcarnationforyou.Willthatgowithyourdress?AndmynameisDonnie.’Donnie?Donnie!WhosaidanythingaboutDonnie?Well, Donnie turned out to be the best date I had that decade. Donnie had
buckteeth, a head full of tousled red hair, and communications skills thatimmediatelyputmeatease.OnSaturdaynight,Donniegreetedmeatthedoor,carnationinhandandgrin
onface.Hejokedself-deprecatinglyabouthowhewasdyingtogotothepromso,knowingitwasacaseofmistakenidentity,heacceptedanyway.Hetoldmehe was thrilled when ‘the girl with the lovely voice’ called, and he took fullresponsibilityfor‘tricking’meintoaninvitation.Donniemademecomfortableandconfidentaswechatted.Firstwemadesmalltalkandthenhegraduallyledmeintosubjects Iwas interested in. I flippedoverDonnie,andhebecamemyveryfirstboyfriend.Donnieinstinctivelyhadthesmall-talkskillsthatwearenowgoingtofashion
into techniques to help you glide through small talk like a hot knife throughbutter.Whenyoumasterthem,youwillbeable,likeDonnie,tomelttheheartofeveryoneyoutouch.ThegoalofHowtoTalktoAnyoneisnot,ofcourse,tomakeyouasmall-talk
whiz and stop there.The aim is tomakeyou a dynamic conversationalist andforcefulcommunicator.However,small talkis thefirstcrucialsteptowardthatgoal.
Howtostartaconversationwithoutstranglingit
You’vebeenthere.You’reintroducedtosomeoneatapartyorbusinessmeeting.You shake hands, your eyes meet … and suddenly your entire body ofknowledgedriesupand thoughtprocessescome toa screechinghalt.You fishfora topic tofill theawkwardsilence.Failing,yournewcontactslipsawayinthedirectionofthecheesetray.Wewantthefirstwordsfallingfromourlipstobesparkling,witty,insightful.
Wewantourlistenerstoimmediatelyrecognizehowrivetingweare.Iwasonceatagatheringwhereeverybodywassparkling,witty, insightful,andriveting.Itdrovemeberserkbecausemostofthesesameeverybodiesfelttheyhadtoproveitintheirfirsttenwordsorless!Severalyearsago,theMensaorganization,asocialgroupofextremelybright
individualswhoscoreinthecountry’stop2percentinintelligence,invitedmetobeakeynotespeakerat theirannualconvention.TheircocktailpartywasinfullswinginthelobbyofthehotelasIarrived.Aftercheckingin,Ihauledmybagsthroughthehoardofhappy-hourMensanstothelift.ThedoorsseparatedandIsteppedintoaliftpackedwithpartygoers.Aswebeganthejourneyuptoourrespectivefloors,theliftgaveseveralsleepyjerks.‘Hmm,’ I remarked, in response to the lift’s sluggishness, ‘the lift seems a
littleflaky.’Suddenly,eachelevatoroccupant,feelingcompelledtoexhibithisorher 132-plus IQ, pounced forthwith a thunderous explanation. ‘It’s obviouslygotpoor rail-guidealignment,’ announcedone. ‘The relay contact isnotmadeup,’ declared another. Suddenly I felt like a grasshopper trapped in a stereospeaker.Icouldn’twaittoescapetheattackofthementalgiants.Afterward, in thesolitudeofmyroom,I thoughtbackandreflected that the
Mensan’s answers were, indeed, interesting.Why then did I have an adversereaction?
I realized it was too much, too soon. I was tired. Their high energy andintensityjarredmysluggishstate.Yousee,smalltalkisnotaboutfactsorwords.It’saboutmusic,aboutmelody.
Small talk isaboutputtingpeopleatease. It’saboutmakingcomfortingnoisestogetherlikecatspurring,childrenhumming,orgroupschanting.Youmustfirstmatchyourlistener’smood.Like repeating the note on the music teacher’s harmonica, Top
Communicatorspickupontheirlistener’stoneofvoiceandduplicateit.Insteadofjumpinginwithsuchintensity,theMensanscouldhavemomentarilymatchedmylethargicmoodbysaying,‘Yes,it isslow,isn’t it?’Hadtheythenprefacedtheirinformationwith,‘Haveyoueverbeencuriouswhyanelevatorisslow?’Iwouldhaverespondedwithasincere‘Yes,Ihave.’Afteramomentofequalizedenergy levels, I would havewelcomed their explanations about the rail-guardalignmentorwhatevertheheckitwas.Andfriendshipsmighthavestarted.I’msureyou’vesufferedtheaggressionofamoodmismatch.Haveyouever
been relaxing when some overexcited hot-breathed colleague starts poundingyouwithquestions?Orthereverse:you’re late,rushingtoameeting,whenanassociatestopsyouandstartslazilynarratingalong,languorousstory.Nomatterhowinterestingthetale,youdon’twanttohearitnow.Thefirststepinstartingaconversationwithoutstranglingitistomatchyour
listener’smood,ifonlyforasentenceortwo.Whenitcomestosmalltalk,thinkmusic, notwords. Is your listener adagioor allegro?Match that pace. I call itmakingaMoodMatch.
Matchingthemoodcanmakeorbreakthesale
Matchingcustomers’moodsiscrucialforsalespeople.Someyearsago,Idecidedto throwasurpriseparty formybest friendStella. Itwasgoing tobea triple-whammy party because shewas celebrating three events. One, it was Stella’sbirthday. Two, she was newly engaged. And three, Stella had just landed herdreamjob.ShehadbeenmybuddysinceourschooldaysandIwasfloatingonairoverherbirthday-engagement-congratulationsbash.IhadheardoneofthebestFrenchrestaurantsintownhadanattractiveback
room for parties. About 5 P.M. one afternoon, I wafted happily into therestaurantandfoundtheseatedmaitred’languidlylookingoverhisreservationbook. IbeganexcitedlybabblingaboutStella’s triple-whammycelebrationandaskedtoseethatfabulousbackroomI’dheardsomuchabout.Withoutasmile
ormovingamuscle,hesaid,‘Zeeroomeeseenzeeback.Youcangozeeeeteefyoulike.’CRASH.Whatapartypooper!Hismorosemoodkickedallthepartyspiritout
ofme,andInolongerwantedtorenthisstupidspace.BeforeIevenlookedattheroom,helosttherental.Ilefthisrestaurantvowingtofindaplacewherethemanagementwouldatleastappeartosharethejoyofthehappyoccasion.Everymother knows this instinctively.Toquiet awhimpering infant,mama
doesn’tjustshakeherfingerandshout,‘Quietdown.’No,mamapicksbabyup.Mamacries,‘Ooh,ooh,oh,’sympatheticallymatchingbaby’smiseryforafewmoments. Mama then gradually transitions the two of them into hush-hushhappysounds.Your listenersareallbigbabies!Match theirmood ifyouwantthemtostopcrying,startbuying,orcomearoundtoyourwayofthinking.
Technique10:
MakeamoodmatchBeforeopeningyourmouth,takea‘voicesample’ofyourlistenertodetecthisorherstateofmind.Takea‘psychicphotograph’oftheexpressiontoseeifyour listener looksbuoyant,bored,orblitzed. Ifyoueverwant tobringpeoplearoundtoyourthoughts,youmustmatchtheirmoodandvoicetone,ifonlyforamoment.
‘What’sagoodopeninglinewhenImeetpeople?’
IwasonceatapartywhereIspottedafellowsurroundedbyafanclubofavidlisteners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, obviously enthralling hisaudience.Iwentovertohearkentothisfascinatingspeaker.Ijoinedhisthrongofadmirersandeavesdroppedforaminuteortwo.Suddenly,itdawnedonme:thefellowwassayingthemostbanalthings!Hisscriptwasdull,dull,dull.Ah,buthewasdeliveringhisprosaicobservationswithsuchpassion.Therefore,heheldthegroupspellbound.Itconvincedmethatit’snotallwhatyousay,it’showyousayit.Oftenpeopleaskme,‘What’sagoodopeninglinewhenImeetpeople?’Igive
themthesameanswerawomanwhoonceworkedinmyofficealwaysgaveme.Dottie often stayed at her desk to work through lunch. Sometimes, as I wasleaving for the sandwich shop, I’d askher, ‘HeyDottie,what can I bringyoubackforlunch?’Dottie,tryingtobeobliging,wouldsay,‘Ohanythingisfinewithme.’‘No,Dottie!’Iwantedtoscream.‘Tellmewhatyouwant.Hamandcheese?
ChickenSaladwithmayonnaise?Peanutbutterwithslicedbananas?Bespecific.Anythingisahassle.’Frustrating though it may be, my answer to the opening-line question is
‘Anything!’becausealmostanythingyousay really isOK–as longas itputspeopleateaseandsoundspassionate.Howdoyouputpeopleatease?ByconvincingthemtheyareOKandthatthe
two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear,suspicion,andmistrust.
Whybanalmakesabond
Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and brilliantlinguisticanalystofJapaneseorigin.Hetellsusthisstorythatshowsthevalueof,ashesays,‘unoriginalremarks.’11Inearly1942, a fewweeksafter thebeginningofWorldWar II– at a time
when there were rumours of Japanese spies – Hayakawa had to wait severalhoursinarailroadstationinOshkosh,Wisconsin.Henoticedotherswaitinginthe station were staring at him suspiciously. Because of the war, they wereapprehensiveabouthispresence.Helaterwrote,‘Onecouplewithasmallchildwasstaringwithspecialuneasinessandwhisperingtoeachother.’SowhatdidHayakawado?Hemadeunoriginalremarkstosetthematease.
Hesaidtothehusbandthatitwastoobadthetrainshouldbelateonsocoldanight.Themanagreed.‘Iwenton,’Hayakawawrote,‘toremarkthatitmustbeespeciallydifficultto
travelwithasmallchildinwinterwhentrainschedulesweresouncertain.Againthehusband agreed. I then asked the child’s age and remarked that their childlookedverybigandstrongforhisage.Againagreement,thistimewithaslightsmile.Thetensionwasrelaxing.After two or threemore exchanges, theman askedHayakawa, ‘I hope you
don’tmindmybringingitup,butyou’reJapanese,aren’tyou?DoyouthinktheJapshaveanychanceofwinningthiswar?’‘Well,’Hayakawareplied,‘yourguess isasgoodasmine.Idon’tknowany
more than I read in the papers. But the way I figure it, I don’t see how theJapanese,withtheirlackofcoalandsteelandoil…caneverbeatapowerfullyindustrializednationliketheUnitedStates.’Hayakawa went on, ‘My remark was admittedly neither original nor well
informed.Hundredsofradiocommentators…weresayingmuchthesamethingduringthoseweeks.Butjustbecausetheywere,theremarksoundedfamiliarandwasontherightsidesothatitwaseasytoagreewith.’TheWisconsinmanagreedatoncewithwhatseemedlikegenuinerelief.His
nextremarkwas,‘Say,Ihopeyourfolksaren’tovertherewhilethewarisgoingon.’‘Yes, they are,’ Hayakawa replied. ‘My father and mother and two young
sistersareoverthere.’‘Doyoueverhearfromthem?’themanasked.‘HowcanI?’Hayakawaanswered.
Both themanandhiswife looked troubledand sympathetic. ‘Doyoumeanyouwon’tbeabletoseethemorhearfromthemuntilafterthewarisover?’Therewasmoretotheconversationbuttheresultwas,withintenminutesthey
hadinvitedHayakawa–whomtheyinitiallymayhavesuspectedwasaJapanesespy–tovisitthemsometimeintheircityandhavedinnerintheirhome.Andallbecauseofthisbrilliantscholar’sadmittedlycommonandunoriginalsmalltalk.TopCommunicatorsknowthemostsoothingandappropriatefirstwordsshouldbe, like Senator Hayakawa’s, unoriginal, even banal. But not indifferent.Hayakawadeliveredhissentimentswithsincerityandpassion.
Ascentfrombanality
There is no need, of course, to stay withmundane remarks. If you find yourcompany displays cleverness or wit, you match that. The conversation thenescalatesnaturally,compatibly.Don’trushitor,liketheMensans,youseemlikeyou’reshowingoff.Thebottomlineonyourfirstwordsistohavethecourageofyourown triteness.Because, remember,people tune in toyour tonemore thanyourtext.
Technique11:
ProsaicwithpassionWorriedaboutyourfirstwords?Fearnot,since80percentofyourlistener’simpressionhasnothingtodowithyourwordsanyway.Almostanythingyousayat first is fine.Nomatterhowprosaic the text,anempatheticmood,apositivedemeanour,andpassionatedeliverymakeyousoundexciting.
‘Anything,exceptliverwurst!’
BacktoDottiewaitingforhersandwichatherdesk.SometimesasIwalkedoutthedoor scratchingmyheadwonderingwhat tobringher, she’dcallafterme,‘Anything,exceptliverwurst,thatis.’Thanks,Dottie,that’salittlebitofhelp.Here’smy ‘anything, except liverwurst’ on small talk.Anything you say is
fineaslongasitisnotcomplaining,rude,orunpleasant.Ifthefirstwordsoutofyour mouth are a complaint, BLAM, people label you a complainer. Why?Becausethatcomplaintisyournewacquaintance’s100percentsamplingofyou
so far.You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but howwill they know? Ifyourfirstcommentisacomplaint,you’reagriper.Ifyourfirstwordsarerude,you’re a creep. If your firstwords are unpleasant, you’re a stinker.Open andshut.Otherthanthesedowners,anythinggoes.Askthemwherethey’refrom,how
they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit they’rewearing–orhundredsofetceteras.Thetrickistoaskyourprosaicquestionwithpassiontogettheotherpersontalking.Stillfeelabitshakyonmakingtheapproachtostrangers?Let’stakeaquick
detour on our road to meaningful communicating. I’ll give you three quickietechniquestomeetpeopleatparties–thenninemoretomakesmalltalknotsosmall.
What’saWhatzit?
Singles proficient at meeting potential sweethearts without the benefit ofintroduction(inthevernacular,makinga‘pickup’),havedevelopedadeliciouslydevious technique that works equally well for social or corporate networkingpurposes. The technique requires no exceptional skill on your part, only thecouragetosportasimplevisualpropcalledaWhatzit.What’saWhatzit?AWhatzitisanythingyouwearorcarrythatisunusual–a
uniquepin,aninterestingpurse,astrangetie,anamusinghat.AWhatzitisanyobjectthatdrawspeople’sattentionandinspiresthemtoapproachyouandask,‘Uh,what’sthat?’YourWhatzitcanbeassubtleorovertasyourpersonalityandtheoccasionpermit.Iweararoundmyneckanoutmodedpairofglasses thatresemblesadouble
monocle. Often the curious have approached me at a gathering and asked,‘Whatzit?’ I explain it’s a lorgnette left tome bymy grandmother, which, ofcourse,pavesthewaytodiscusshatredofglasses,ageingeyes, loveor lossofgrandmothers,adorationofantiquejewellery–anywaytheinquisitorwantstotakeit.Perhaps, unknowingly, you have fallen prey to this soon-to-be-legendary
technique.Atagathering,haveyouevernoticedsomeoneyouwouldliketotalkto?Thenyou’verackedyourbraintoconjureanexcusetomaketheapproach.Whatabountyitwastodiscoverthatheorshewaswearingsomeweird,wild,orwonderfulsomethingyoucouldcommenton.
TheWhatzitwaytolove
YourWhatzitisasocialaidwhetheryouseekbusinessrewardsornewromance.Ihaveafriend,Alexander,whocarriesGreekworrybeadswithhimwhereverhe
goes.He’s notworried.He knows anywomanwhowants to talk to himwillcomeupandsay,‘What’sthat?’Think about it, gentlemen. Suppose you’re at a party.An attractivewoman
spotsyouacross the room.Shewants to talk toyoubut she’s thinking, ‘Well,Mister,you’reattractive.But,golly,whatcanIsaytoyou?Youjustain’tgotnoWhatzit.’
BeaWhatzitseeker,too
Likewise, become proficient in scrutinizing the apparel of those you wish toapproach. Why not express interest in the handkerchief in the tycoon’s vestpocket,thebroochonthebosomoftherichdivorcée,ortheschoolringonthefingeroftheDirectorwhosecompanyyouwanttoworkfor?Thebigspenderwho,yoususpect,mightbuyahundredofyourwidgetshasa
tiny golf-club lapel pin? Say, ‘Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice yourattractivelapelpin.Areyouagolfer?Me,too.Whatcourseshaveyouplayed?’YourbusinesscardsandyourWhatzitarecrucialsocializingartifacts.Whether
youareridingintheelevator,climbingthedoorstep,ortraversingthepathtotheparty,makesureyourWhatzitishangingoutforalltosee.
Technique12:
AlwayswearaWhatzitWheneveryougo toagathering,wearorcarrysomethingunusual togivepeople who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room anexcusetoapproach.‘Excuseme,Icouldn’thelpbutnoticeyour…whatISthat?’
Thenext quickie techniquewas originated bydoggedly determinedpoliticianswhodon’t letonepartygoerescape if they thinkheor shecouldbehelpful totheircampaigns.IcallittheWhoozattechnique.
Whattodowhenhe’sgotnoWhatzit
Sayyouhavescrutinizedthebodyoftheimportantbusinesscontactyouwanttomeet.You’vesearchedinvainfromthetipofhiscowlicktothetoesofhisboots.He’snotsportingasingleWhatzit.Ifyoustrikeoutonfindingsomethingtocommenton,resorttotheWhoozat
technique. Like a persistent politician, go to the party giver and say, ‘Thatman/woman over there looks interesting. Who is he/she?’ Then ask for anintroduction.Don’tbehesitant.Thepartygiverwillbepleasedyoufindoneoftheguestsinteresting.If,however,youareloathetopullthepartygiverawayfromhisorherother
guests, you still can perform Whoozat. This time, don’t ask for a formalintroduction.Simplypumpthepartygiverforjustenoughinformationtolaunchyou.Findoutaboutthestranger’sjobs,interests,hobbies.Supposethepartygiversays,‘Oh,that’sJoeSmith.I’mnotsurewhathisjob
is,butIknowhelovestoski.’Aha,you’vejustbeengiventheicebreakeryouneed.NowyoumakeabeelineforJoeSmith.‘Hi,you’reJoeSmith,aren’tyou?Susanwasjusttellingmewhatagreatskieryouare.Wheredoyouski?’Yougettheidea.
Technique13:
Whoozat?Whoozatisthemosteffective,leastused(bynonpoliticians)meeting-peopledeviceevercontrived.Simplyaskthepartygivertomaketheintroduction,orpumpforafewfactsthatyoucanimmediatelyturnintoicebreakers.
Nowthethirdinourlittletrioofmeeting-who-you-wanttricks.
‘IjustthoughtI’deavesdropinandsay“hello”’
Thewomanyou’vedecidedyouMUSTmeetiswearingnoWhatzit?Can’tfindthe host for theWhoozat technique? To make matters worse, she’s deep inconversation with a group of her friends. Seems quite hopeless that you willmanoeuvreameeting,doesn’tit?Noobstacleblockstheresolutepolitician,whoalwayshasatrickortenuphis
or her sleeve. A politico would resort to the Eavesdrop In technique.Eavesdropping, of course, conjures images of clandestine activities – wiretapping, Watergate break-ins, spies skulking around in the murky shadows.Eavesdroppinghashistoricalprecedentwithpoliticiansso,inapinch,itcomesnaturallytomind.Atparties,standnearthegroupofpeopleyouwishtoinfiltrate.Thenwaitfor
awordor twoyoucanuseasawedge tobreak into thegroup. ‘Excuseme, Icouldn’thelpoverhearing thatyou…’and thenwhatever is relevanthere.Forexample ‘I couldn’t help overhearing your discussion of Bermuda. I’m goingtherenextmonthforthefirsttime.Anysuggestions?’Nowyouareinthecircleandcandirectyourcommentstoyourintended.
Technique14:
EavesdropinNoWhatzit?No host forWhoozat?No problem! Just sidle up behind theswarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for anyflimsy excuse and jump inwith ‘Excuseme, I couldn’t helpbut overhear…’Willtheybetakenaback?Momentarily.Willtheygetoverit?Momentarily.
Willyoubeintheconversation?Absolutely!LetusnowhopbackonthetrainthatfirstexploredSmallTalkCityandtraveltothelandofMeaningfulCommunicating.
Don’tdropafrozensteakontheirplatter
Youwouldn’tdreamofgoingtoapartynaked.AndIhopeyouwouldn’tdreamof lettingyourconversationbeexposednakedanddefencelessagainst the twoinevitableassaults‘Whereareyoufrom?’and‘Whatdoyoudo?’Whenasked thesequestions,mostpeople, likeclunkinga frozen steakona
chinaplatter,dropabrickoffrozengeographyorbafflingjobtitleontheasker’sconversationalplatter.Thentheyslaponthemuzzle.You’reataconvention.Everyoneyoumeetwill,ofcourse,ask ‘Andwhere
areyoufrom?’Whenyougivethemtheshort-formnaked-cityanswer‘Oh,I’mfrom Muscatine, Iowa’ (or Millinocket, Maine; Winnemucca, Nevada; oranywhere they haven’t heard of), what can you expect except a blank stare?Even if you’re a relatively big-city slicker from Denver, Colorado; Detroit,Michigan;orSanDiego,California,you’llreceiveapanickedlookfromallbutAmericanhistoryprofessors.They’rerapidlyrackingtheirbrainsthinking‘Whatdo I say next?’Even the names ofworld-class burgs likeNewYork,London,Paris,andLosAngeles inspire less-than-rivetingresponses.WhenI tellpeopleI’mfromNewYorkCity,whatare theyexpected tosay?‘Duh,seenanygoodmuggingslately?’Do humanity and yourself a favour. Never, ever, give just a one-sentence
responsetothequestion,‘Whereareyoufrom?’Givetheaskersomefuelforhistank,somefodder forhis trough.Give thehungrycommunicatorsomething toconversationallynibbleon.All it takes is an extra sentenceor twoaboutyourcity–someinterestingfact,somewittyobservation–tohooktheaskerintotheconversation.Severalmonthsago,a tradeassociationinvitedmetobeitskeynotespeaker
on networking and teaching people to be better conversationalists. Just beforemyspeech,IwasintroducedtoMrsDevlin,whowastheheadoftheassociation.
‘Howdoyoudo?’sheasked.‘Howdoyoudo?’Ireplied.Then Mrs. Devlin smiled, anxiously awaiting a sample of my stimulating
conversationalexpertise.Iaskedherwhereshewasfrom.Sheplunkedafrozen‘Columbus,Ohio’andabigexpectantgrinonmyplatter.Ihadtoquicklythawher answer into digestible conversation.Mymind thrashed into action. Leil’sthoughtpattern:‘Gulp,Columbus,Ohio.I’veneverbeenthere,hmm.Criminy,what do I know about Columbus? I know a fellow named Jeff, a successfulspeakerwholivesthere.ButColumbusistoobigtoaskifsheknowshim…andbesidesonlykidsplaythe“Do-you-know-so-and-so”game.’Mypanickedsilentsearchcontinued.‘Ithinkit’snamedafterChristopherColumbus…butI’mnotsure,soIbetterkeepmymouthshutonthatone.’FourorfiveotherpossibilitiesracedthroughmymindbutIrejectedthemallastooobvious,tooadolescent,ortoooff-the-wall.Irealizedbynowthatsecondshadpassed,andMrsDevlinwasstillstanding
therewithaslowlydissipatingsmileonher face.Shewaswaitingforme(the‘expert’who,withinthehour,wasexpectedtoteachhertradeassociationlessonsonscintillatingconversation)tospewforthwordsofwitorwisdom.‘Oh,Columbus, gee,’ Imumbled in desperation,watching her face fall into
theworriedexpressionofapatientbeingaskedbythesurgeon,knifepoisedinhand,‘Where’syourappendix?’Inevercameupwith stimulatingconversationonColumbus.But, just then,
undertheknife,Icreatedthefollowingtechniqueforposterity.IcallitNevertheNakedCity.
Technique15:
NeverthenakedcityWhenever someone asks you the inevitable, ‘And where are you from?’never,ever,unfairlychallengetheirpowersofimaginationwithaone-wordanswer.Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that Conversational
Partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever inresponsetoyourbait,theythinkyou’reagreatconversationalist.
Differentbaitforshrimporsharks
Afishermanusesdifferentbaittobagbassorbluefish.Andyouwillobviouslythrow out different conversational bait to snag simple shrimp or sophisticatedsharks.Yourhookshouldrelatetothetypeofpersonyou’respeakingwith.I’moriginally fromWashington,D.C. If someone at, say, an art gallery askedmewhereIwasfrom,Imightanswer‘Washington,D.C.–designed,youknow,bythe same city planner who designed Paris.’ This opens the conversationalpossibilities to theartistryofcityplanning,Paris,othercities’plans,Europeantravel,andsoforth.AtasocialpartyofsinglesI’doptforanotheranswer.‘I’mfromWashington,
D.C. The reason I left is there were sevenwomen to everymanwhen I wasgrowing up.’Now the conversation can turn to the ecstasy or agony of beingsingle, the perceived lack of desirable men everywhere, even flirtatiouspossibilities.In a political group, I’d cast a current fact from the constantly evolving
political face of Washington. No need to speculate on the multitude ofconversationalpossibilitiesthatunlocks.Wheredoyougetyourconversationalbait?Startbyphoningthechamberof
commerceorhistoricalsocietyofyour town.Search theWorldWideWebandclickonyourtown,oropenanold-fashionedencyclopedia–allrichsourcesforfuture stimulating conversations. Learn some history, geography, businessstatistics,orperhapsafewfunfactstoticklefuturefriends’funnybones.TheDevlindebacleinspiredfurtherresearch.TheminuteIgothome,Icalled
theColumbusChamberofCommerce and thehistorical society.Sayyou, too,arefromColumbus,Ohio,andyournewacquaintancelaysitonyou:‘Whereareyoufrom?’Whenyouaretalkingwithabusinessperson,youranswercouldbe,‘I’mfromColumbus,Ohio.YouknowmanymajorcorporationsdotheirproducttestinginColumbusbecauseit’ssocommerciallytypical.Infact,it’sbeencalled‘the most American city in America.’ They say if it booms or bombs inColumbus,itboomsorbombsnationally.’TalkingwithsomeonewithaGerman lastname?TellheraboutColumbus’s
historic German Village with the brick streets and the wonderful 1850s-stylelittlehouses.It’sboundtoinspirestoriesoftheoldcountry.YourConversationPartner’ssurnameisItalian?TellhimGenoa,Italy,isColumbus’ssistercity.TalkingwithanAmericanhistorybuff?TellhimthatColumbuswas,indeed,
named after Christopher Columbus and that a replica of the Santa Maria isanchored in the Scioto River. Talking with a student? Tell her about the fiveuniversitiesinColumbus.
The possibilities continue. You suspect your Conversation Partner has anartistic bent? ‘Ah,’ you throw out casually, ‘Columbus is the home of artistGeorgeBellows.’Columbusites,preparesometastysnacksforaskersevenifyouknownothing
aboutthem.Here’sagoodie.Tellthemyoualwayshavetosay‘Columbus,Ohio’becauseintheUSthereisalsoaColumbus,Arkansas ;Columbus,Georgia ;Columbus, Indiana ; Columbus, Kansas ; Columbus, Kentucky ; Columbus,Mississippi ; Columbus, Montana ; Columbus, Nebraska ; Columbus, NewJersey;Columbus,NewMexico;Columbus,NorthCarolina;Columbus,NorthDakota ; Columbus, Pennsylvania ; Columbus, Texas ; and Columbus,Wisconsin. That spreads the conversational possibilities to fifteen other states.Remember,asaquotablenotableoncesaid,‘Nomanwouldlistentoyoutalkifhedidn’tknowitwashisturnnext.’A postscript to the hellish experience I hadwithColumbus.Months later, I
mentionedthetraumatomyspeakerfriendfromColumbus,Jeff.JeffexplainedhishousewasreallyinasmallertownjustminutesoutsideColumbus.‘Whattown,Jeff?’‘Gahanna,Ohio.Gahannameans“hell”inHebrew,’hesaid,andthenwenton
toexplainwhyhethoughtancientHebrewhistorianswereclairvoyant.Thanks,Jeff,Iknewyou’dneverlayanakedcityonanyofyourlisteners.
Answeringtheinevitable
Third only to death and taxes is the assurance a new acquaintance will soonchirp, ‘Andwhat do you do?’ (Is it fitting and proper they shouldmake thatquery? We’ll pick up that sticky wicket later.) For the moment, these fewdefensive moves help you keep your crackerjack communicator credentialswhenaskedtheinevitable.First,likeNevertheNakedCity,don’ttossashort-shriftanswerinresponseto
theasker’sbreathlessinquiry.Youleavethepoorfishfloppingonthedeckwhenyou just sayyour title: I’manactuary,anauditor,anauthor,anastrophysicist.Havemercysoheorshedoesn’tfeellikeanincompoopoutsiderasking,‘What,er,kindofactuizing(auditing,authoring,orastrophysizing)doyoudo?’You’realawyer.Don’tleaveittolaymentotrytofigureoutwhatyoureally
do.Fleshitout.TellalittlestoryyourConversationPartnercangetahandleon.Forexample,ifyou’retalkingwithayoungmothersay,‘I’malawyer.Ourfirmspecializes in employment law. In fact, now I’m involved in a case where acompanyactuallydischargedawomanfortakingextramaternityleavethatwasamedicalnecessity.’Amothercanrelatetothat.Talkingwith a business owner? Say ‘I’m a lawyer. Our firm specializes in
employment law.Mycurrentcaseconcernsanemployerwho isbeingsuedbyoneofherstaffforaskingpersonalquestionsduringtheinitialjobinterview.’Abusinessownercanrelatetothat.
Technique16:
NeverthenakedjobWhenaskedtheinevitable‘AndwhatdoYOUdo,’youmaythink‘I’maneconomist,’ ‘an educator,’ ‘an engineer’ is giving enough information to
engender good conversation. However, to one who is not an economist,educator,oranengineer,youmightaswellbesaying‘I’mapaleontologist,’‘psychoanalyst,’or‘pornographer.’Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new
acquaintances to munch on. Otherwise, they’ll soon excuse themselves,preferringthesnacksbackatthecheesetray.
Painfulmemoriesofnakedjobflashers
I still harbour painful recollections of being tongue-tied when confronted bynaked job flashers. Like the time a fellow at a dinner party told me, ‘I’m anuclear scientist.’ My weak ‘Oh, that must be fascinating’ reduced me to amentalmoleculeinhiseyes.Thechaponmyothersideannounced,‘I’minindustrialabrasives,’andthen
paused,waitingformetobeimpressed.My‘Well,er,golly,youmusthavetobea shrewd judgeof character to be in industrial abrasives’ didn’t fly either.Wethreesatinsilencefortherestofthemeal.Just lastmonthanewacquaintancebragged, ‘I’mplanning to teachTibetan
BuddhismatTruckeeMeadowsCommunityCollege,’ and thenclammedup. Iknew less about Truckee Meadows than I did about Tibetan Buddhism.Whenever people ask you what you do, give them some mouth-to-earresuscitationsotheycancatchtheirbreathandsaysomething.
Helpnewlymetsthroughtheirfirstmoments
‘Susan,I’dlikeyoutomeetJohnSmith.John,thisisSusanJones.’Duh,whatdoyouexpectJohnandSusantosay?‘Smith?Umm,that’sS-M-I-T-H,isn’tit?’‘Uh,er,golly,Susan,well,now,there’saninterestingname.’Nice-try-forget-it.Don’tblameJohnorSusanforbeinglessthanscintillating.
The fault lies with the person who introduced the two the way most peopleintroduce their friends to eachother–withnakednames.Theycastout a linewithnobaitforpeopletosinktheirteethinto.BigWinnersmay not talk a lot, but conversation never dies unwillingly in
their midst. They make sure of it with techniques like Never the NakedIntroduction.Whentheyintroducepeople, theybuyaninsurancepolicyontheconversationwithafewsimpleadd-ons:‘Susan,I’dlikeyoutomeetJohn.Johnhasawonderfulboatwetookatriponlastsummer.John,thisisSusanSmith.Susaniseditor-in-chiefofShoestringGourmetmagazine.’PaddingtheintroductiongivesSusantheopportunitytoaskwhatkindofboat
Johnhasorwherethegroupwent.ItgivesJohnanopeningtodiscusshisloveofwriting.Orofcooking.Oroffood.Theconversationcanthennaturallyexpandto travel in general, life on boats, past holidays, favourite recipes, restaurants,budgets,diets,magazines,editorialpolicy–toinfinity.
Technique17:
NeverthenakedintroductionWhenintroducingpeople,don’tthrowoutanunbaitedhookandstandtheregrinninglikeBigClam,leavingthenewlymetstofluttertheirfinsandfish
foratopic.Baittheconversationalhooktogetthemintheswimofthings.Thenyou’refreetostayorfloatontothenextnetworkingopportunity.
If you’re not comfortable mentioning someone’s job during the introduction,mention theirhobbyorevena talent.Theotherdayatagathering, thehostessintroducedamannamedGilbert.She said, ‘Leil, I’d likeyou tomeetGilbert.Gilbert’s gift is sculpting. He makes beautiful wax carvings.’ I rememberthinking, gift, now that’s a lovely way to introduce someone and induceconversation.
Armed with these two personality enhancers, three conversation igniters andthreesmallextenders,itistimetotakeastepupthecommunicationsladder.Letusnowrisefromsmalltalkandseekthepathtomoremeaningfuldialogue.Thenext technique is guaranteed to make the exchange engrossing for yourConversationPartner.
Beasleuthontheirslipsofthetongue
Evenawell-intentionedhusbandwhomightaskhiswifewhilemakinglove,‘Isitgoodforyou,too,honey?’knowsnottoaskacolleague,‘Istheconversationgoodforyou,too?’Yethewonders…wealldo.Withthefollowingtechnique,setyourmindatrest.Youcandefinitelymaketheconversationhotforanyoneyouspeakwith.Likemypromdate,Donnie,youwillmiraculouslyfindsubjectsto engrossyour listeners.Nomatter howelusive the clue,SherlockHolmes isconfidenthe’llsoonbestaringrightatitthroughhismagnifyingglass.Liketheunerring detective,BigWinners know, nomatter how elusive the clue, they’llfindtherighttopic.How?Theybecomeworddetectives.I have a young friend, Nancy, whoworks in a nursing home. Nancy cares
deeply about the elderly but often grumbles about how crotchety and laconicsomeofherpatientsare.Shelamentsshehasdifficultyrelatingtothem.NancytoldmeaboutoneespeciallycantankerousoldwomannamedMrsOtis,
whomshecouldnevergettoopenuptoher.‘Oneday,’Nancyconfided,‘rightafter all those rainstorms we had last week, just to make conversation, Iremarked to Mrs Otis, “Terrible storms we had last week, don’t you think?”Well,’Nancycontinued,‘MrsOtispracticallyjumpeddownmythroat.Shesaidin a snippy voice, “It’s been good for the plants.”’ I asked Nancy how sherespondedtothat.‘WhatcouldIsay?’Nancyanswered.‘Thewomanwasobviouslycuttingme
off.’‘DidyoueverthinktoaskMrsOtisifshelikedplants?’‘Plants?’Nancyasked.‘Well,yes,’Isuggested.‘MrsOtisbroughtthesubjectup.’IaskedNancyto
domeafavour.‘Askher,’Ibegged.Nancyresisted,butIpersisted.Justtoquietmedown,Nancypromisedtoask‘cantankerousoldMrsOtis’ifshelikedplants.
Thenextday,aflabbergastedNancycalledmefromwork.‘Leil,howdidyouknow?NotonlydidMrsOtis loveplants,she toldmeshe’dbeenmarried toagardener.TodayIhadadifferentproblemwithMrsOtis.Icouldn’tshutherup!Shewentonandonabouthergarden,herhusband…’Top Communicators know ideas don’t come out of nowhere. If Mrs Otis
thought to bring up plants, then she must have some relationship with them.Furthermore, bymentioning theword, itmeant subconsciously shewanted totalkaboutplants.Suppose, for example, insteadof responding toNancy’s comment about the
rainwith‘It’sgoodfortheplants,’MrsOtishadsaid,‘Becauseoftherain,mydog couldn’t go out.’ Nancy could then ask about her dog. Or suppose shegrumbled,‘It’sbadformyarthritis.’CanyouguesswhatoldMrsOtiswantstotalkaboutnow?When talkingwith anyone, keep your ears open and, like a good detective,
listen for clues. Be on the lookout for any unusual references: any anomaly,deviation,digression,orinvocationofanotherplace,time,person.Askaboutitbecause it’s the clue to what your Conversation Partner would really enjoydiscussing.Iftwopeoplehavesomethingincommon,whenthesharedinterestcomesup,
they jump on it naturally. For example, if someone mentions playing squash(birdwatchingorstampcollecting)andthelistenersharesthatpassion,heorshepipesup,‘Oh,you’reasquasher(orbirderorphilatelist),too!’Here’sthetrick:there’snoneedtobeasquasher,birder,orphilatelisttopipe
upwithenthusiasm.YoucansimplyBeaWordDetective.Whenyoupickuponthereferenceas thoughitexcitesyou, too, itparlaysyouintoconversation thestranger thrills to. (The subjectmay put your feet to sleep, but that’s anotherstory.)
Technique18:
BeaworddetectiveLikeagoodgumshoe,listentoyourConversationPartner’severywordforcluestohisorherpreferredtopic.Theevidenceisboundtoslipout.Thenspringonthatsubjectlikeasleuthontoaslipofthetongue.LikeSherlockHolmes,youhavethecluetothesubjectthat’shotfortheotherperson.
Now that you’ve ignited stimulating conversation, let’s explore a technique tokeepithot.
Sellyourselfwithatopsalestechnique
Several years ago, a girlfriend and I attended a party saturated with a hotch-potch of swellegant folks. Everyonewe talked to seemed to lead a nifty life.Discussing the party afterward, I askedmy friend, ‘Diane, of all the excitingpeopleattheparty,whodidyouenjoytalkingtomost?’Withouthesitationshesaid,‘Ohbyfar,DanSmith.’‘WhatdoesDando?’Iaskedher.‘Uh,well,I’mnotsure,’sheanswered.‘Wheredoeshelive?’‘Uh,Idon’tknow,’Dianeresponded.‘Well,whatisheinterestedin?’‘Well,wereallydidn’ttalkabouthisinterests.’‘Diane,’Iasked,‘whatdidyoutalkabout?’‘Well,Iguesswetalkedmostlyaboutme.’‘Aha,’Isaidtomyself.DianehasjustrubbednoseswithaBigWinner.Asitturnsout,IhadthepleasureofmeetingBigWinnerDanseveralmonths
later.Diane’s ignoranceabouthis lifepiquedmycuriosity so Igrilledhim fordetails. As it turns out, Dan lives in Paris, has a beach home in the south ofFrance,andamountainhomeintheAlps.Hetravelsaroundtheworldproducingsoundandlightshowsforpyramidsandancientruins–andheisanavidhanggliderandscubadiver.Doesthismanhaveaninterestinglifeorwhat?YetDan,whenmeetingDiane,saidnotonewordabouthimself.I told Dan about how pleased Diane was to meet him yet how little she
learnedabouthislife.Dansimplyreplied,‘Well,whenImeetsomeone,IlearnsomuchmoreifIaskabout their life. Ialways try to turn thespotlighton theotherperson.’Trulyconfidentpeopleoftendothis.Theyknowtheygrowmorebylisteningthantalking.Obviously,theyalsocaptivatethetalker.
Severalmonthsagoataspeaker’sconvention,Iwastalkingwithacolleague,BrianTracy.Briandoesabrilliant jobof training top salespeople.He tellshisstudents of a giant spotlight that, when shining on their product, is not asinteresting to the prospect.When salespeople shine the giant spotlight on theprospect,that’swhatmakesthesale.Salespeople,thistechniqueisespeciallycrucialforyou.KeepyourSwivelling
Spotlightaimedawayfromyou,onlylightlyonyourproduct,andmostbrightlyonyourbuyer.You’lldoamuchbetterjobofsellingyourselfandyourproduct.
Technique19:
TheswivellingspotlightWhenyoumeetsomeone,imagineagiantrevolvingspotlightbetweenyou.Whenyou’retalking,thespotlightisonyou.WhenNewPersonisspeaking,it’sshiningonhimorher.Ifyoushineitbrightlyenough,thestrangerwillbeblindedtothefactthatyouhavehardlysaidawordaboutyourself.Thelongeryoukeep it shining away fromyou, themore interestingheor shefindsyou.
Neverbestuckforsomethingtosayagain
Moments arise, of course, when even conversationalists extraordinaire hit thewall.Some folks’monosyllabicgrunts leaveslimpickingseven formastersoftheBeaWordDetectivetechnique.Ifyoufindyourselffutilelyfanningtheembersofadyingconversation(andif
youfeelforpoliticalreasonsorhumancompassionthattheconversationshouldcontinue),here’safoolprooftricktogetthefireblazingagain.IcallitParrotingafter that beautiful tropical bird that captures everyone’s heart simply byrepeatingotherpeople’swords.Have you ever, puttering around the house, had the TV in the background
tuned toa tennisgame?Youhear theballgoingbackand forthover thenet–klink-klunk,klink-klunk,klink…this timeyoudon’thear theklunk.Theballdidn’thitthecourt.Whathappened?Youimmediatelylookupattheset.Likewise in conversation, the conversational ball goes back and forth. First
youspeak,thenyourpartnerspeaks,youspeak…andsoitgoes,backandforth.Each time, through a series of nods and comforting grunts like ‘um hum,’ or‘umm,’ you let your Conversation Partner know the ball has landed inyourcourt.It’syour‘Igotit’signal.Suchistherhythmofconversation.
‘WhatdoIsaynext?’
Backtothatfrightfullyfamiliarmomentwhenitisyourturntospeakbutyourmindgoesblank.Don’tpanic.Insteadofsignalingverballyornonverballythatyou‘gotit,’simplyrepeat,orparrot,thelasttwoorthreewordsyourcompanionsaid, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ballrightbackinyourpartner’scourt.
Ihaveafriend,Phil,whosometimespicksmeupattheairport.UsuallyIamso exhausted that I rudely fall asleep in the passenger seat, relegating Phil tonothingmorethanachauffeur.Afterone especially exhausting trip someyears ago, I flungmybags inhis
trunkand floppedonto the front seat.As Iwasdozingoff,hementionedhe’dgone to the theatre the night before. Usually I would have just grunted andwaftedintounconsciousness.However,onthisparticulartrip,IhadlearnedtheParrotingtechniqueandwasanxioustotryit.‘Theater?’Iparrotedquizzically.‘Yes,itwasagreatshow,’hereplied,fullyexpectingittobethelastwordon
thesubjectbeforeIfellintomyusualsleepystupor.‘Great show?’ I parroted.Pleasantly surprisedbymy interest, he said, ‘Yes,
it’sanewshowbyStephenSondheimcalledSweeneyTodd.’‘SweeneyTodd?’Iagainparroted.NowPhilwasgettingfiredup.‘Yeah,great
musicandanunbelievablybizarrestory…’‘Bizarre story?’ I parroted.Well, that’s allPhil needed.For thenexthalf an
hour,Phil toldme the show’s story about aLondonbutcherwhowent aroundmurdering people. I half dozed, but soon decided his tale of Sweeney Todd’scuttingoffpeople’sheadswasdisturbingmysleepyreverie.SoIsimplybackedupandparrotedoneofhispreviousphrasestogethimonanothertrack.‘Yousaidithadgreatmusic?’Thatdidthetrick.Fortherestoftheforty-fiveminutetriptomyhome,Phil
sang me ‘Pretty Women,’ ‘The Best Pies in London,’ and other songs fromSweeneyTodd–muchbetteraccompanimentformydemi-nap.I’msure,tothisday,Philthinksofthattripasoneofthebestconversationsweeverhad.AndallIdidwasparrotafewofhisphrases.
Technique20:
ParrotingNever be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last fewwordsyourConversationPartnersays.Thatputstheballrightbackinhisorhercourt,andthenallyouneedtodoislisten.Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customer’s real
objectionswhenit’ssoeasytoshakethemoutofthetreeswithParroting?
Parrotingyourwaytoprofits
Parrotingisalsoacanopenertopryopenpeople’srealfeelings.Starsalespeopleuseittogettotheirprospect’semotionalobjections,whichtheyoftendon’tevenarticulatetothemselves.Afriendofmine,Paul,aused-carsalesman,toldmehecreditsarecentsaleofaLamborghinitoParroting.Paul was walking around the lot with a prospect and his wife, who had
expressedinterestina‘sensiblecar.’HewasshowingthemeverysensibleChevyandFordonthelot.Astheywerelookingatoneverysensiblefamilycar,Paulaskedthehusbandwhathethoughtofit.‘Well,’hemused,‘I’mnotsurethiscaris right forme.’ Instead ofmoving on to the next sensible car, Paul parroted‘Right for you?’ Paul’s questioning inflection signaled the prospect that heneededtosaymore.‘Well,er,yeah,’theprospectmumbled.‘I’mnotsureitfitsmypersonality.’‘Fitsyourpersonality?’Paulagainparroted.‘Youknow,maybeIneedsomethingalittlemoresporty.’‘Alittlemoresporty?’Paulparroted.‘Well,thosecarsovertherelookalittlemoresporty.’Aha!Paul’sparrothadferretedoutwhichcarstoshowthecustomer.Asthey
walkedovertowardaLamborghinionthelot,Paulsawtheprospect’seyeslightup.Anhourlater,Paulhadpocketedafatcommission.
Want to take a rest from talking to saveyour throat?Thisnext techniquegetsyourConversationPartneroffandrunningsoallyouhavetodoislisten(orevensneakoffunnoticedasheorshechatscongeniallyaway).
‘Tell’emaboutthetimeyou…’
Every father smiles when his little tyke beseeches him at bedtime, ‘Daddy,Daddy,tellmethestoryagainofthethreelittlepigs’(orthedancingprincesses,orhowyouandMummymet).DaddyknowsJuniorenjoyedthestorysomuchthefirsttime,hewantstohearitagainandagain.Junior inspires the following technique called Encore! which serves two
purposes.Encore!makesacolleaguefeellikeahappydad,andit’sagreatwaytogivedyingconversationahearttransplant.I once worked on a ship that had Italian officers and mostly American
passengers.Eachweek, the deckofficerswere required to attend the captain’scocktail party. After the captain’s address in charmingly broken English, theofficers invariably clumped together yakking it up in Italian.Needless to say,most of the passengers’ grasp of Italian ended at macaroni, spaghetti, salami,andpizza.Ascruisedirector,itfellonmyshoulderstogettheofficerstominglewiththe
passengers.My not-so-subtle tacticwas to grab one of the officers’ arms andliterallydraghimovertoasmilingthrongofexpectantpassengers.Iwouldthenintroducetheofficerandpraythateither thecatwouldreleasehis tongue,orapassengerwould come upwith amore original question than ‘Gee, if all youofficers are here, who is driving the boat?’ Never happened. I dreaded theweeklycaptain’scocktailparty.Onenight,sleepinginmycabin,Iwasawakenedbytheshiprockingviolently
fromsidetoside.Ilistenedandtheengineswereoff.Abadsign.Igrabbedmyrobe and raced up to the deck. Through the dense fog, I could barely discernanother ship not half a mile from us. Five or six officers were grasping thestarboard guardrail and leaning overboard. I rushed over just in time to see aman in themoonlightwithabandageoveroneeyestrugglingupourviolently
rockingladder.Theofficersimmediatelywhiskedhimofftoourship’shospital.Theenginesstartedagainandwewereonourway.ThenextmorningIgotthefullstory.Alabourerontheothership,afreighter,
hadbeendrillingahole inanenginecylinder.Whilehewasworking,a sharpneedle-thinpieceofmetalshotlikeamissileintohisrighteye.Thefreighterhadnodoctoronboardsotheshipbroadcastanemergencysignal.International sea laws dictate that any ship hearing a distress signal must
respond.Ourshipcametotherescueandtheseaman,clutchinghisbleedingeye,was lowered into a lifeboat that brought him toour ship.DrRossi, our ship’sdoctor,wassuccessfullyabletoremovetheneedlefromtheworkman’seyethussavinghiseyesight.Cut to the next captain’s cocktail party. Once again I was faced with the
familiar challenge of getting officers to mingle andmake small talk with thepassengers.Imademyweeklytrektothelaconicofficers’throngtodragoneortwoawayand,thistime,myhandfellonthearmoftheship’sdoctor.Ihauledhimovertothenearestgroupofgrinningpassengersandintroducedhim.Ithensaid, ‘Just lastweekDrRossi saved the eyesightof a seamanon another shipafteradramaticmidnight rescue.DrRossi, I’msure these folkswould love tohearaboutit.’Itwaslikeamagicwand.Tomyamazement,itwasasthoughDrRossiwas
blessedinstantlywiththetonguesofangels.HispreviouslymonosyllabicbrokenEnglishbecamethicklyaccentedeloquence.Herecountedtheentirestoryforthegrowing group of passengers gathering around him. I left the throng thatDrRossienrapturedtopullanotherofficerovertoanawaitingaudience.Igrabbedthecaptain’sstripe-coveredarm,draggedhimovertoanotherpack
ofsmilingpassengersandsaid,‘CaptainCafiero,whydon’tyoutellthesefolksabout the dramatic midnight rescue you made last week?’ The cat releasedCafiero’stongueandhewasoffandrunning.Backtothethrongtogetthefirstofficerforthenextgroup.BynowIknewI
hadawinner.‘SignorSalvago,whydon’tyoutellthesefolkshowyouawakenedthecaptainatmidnightlastweekforthedramaticmidnightrescue?’Bythenitwastimetogobacktoextracttheship’sdoctorfromthefirstbevy
and takehim tohisnextpackofpassengers. Itworkedevenbetter the secondtime.HehappilycommencedhisEncore!forthesecondaudience.Ashechattedaway, I raced back to the captain to pull him away for a second telling withanotherthrong.Ifeltlikethecircusjugglerwhokeepsalltheplatesspinningon
sticks. Just as I got one conversation spinning, I had to race back to the firstspeakertogivehimawhirlatanotheraudience.Thecaptain’scocktailpartieswereabreezeformefortherestoftheseason.
The threeofficers loved telling the same storyof their heroism tonewpeopleeverycruise.TheonlyproblemwasInoticedthestoriesgettinglongerandmoreelaborate each time. I had to adjustmy timing in getting them to do a repeatperformanceforthenextaudience.
Playitagain,Sam
Encore! isthewordappreciativeaudienceschantwhentheywantanothersongfromthesinger,anotherdancefromthedancer,anotherpoemfromthepoet,andinmy case, another storytelling from the officers.Encore! is the name of thetechnique you can use to request a repeat story from a prospect, potentialemployer, or valued acquaintance. While the two of you are chatting with agroupofpeople,simplyturntohimandsay,‘John,Ibeteveryonewouldlovetohear about the timeyoucaught that thirty-pound stripedbass.’Or, ‘Susan, telleveryonethatstoryyoujusttoldmeofhowyourescuedthekittenfromthetree.’Heor shewill, of course, demur. Insist!YourConversationPartner is secretlyloving it.The subtextofyour request is ‘That storyofyourswas so terrific, Iwantmyotherfriendstohearit.’Afterall,onlycrowdpleasersareaskedtodoanEncore!
Technique21:
Encore!Thesweetestsoundaperformercanhearwellingupoutoftheapplauseis‘Encore!Encore!Let’shearitagain!’ThesweetestsoundyourConversationPartnercanhearfromyourlipswhenyou’retalkingwithagroupofpeopleis‘Tellthemaboutthetimeyou…’Wheneveryou’reatameetingorpartywith someone important toyou,
thinkof somestoriesheor she toldyou.Chooseanappropriateone fromtheir repertoire that the crowd will enjoy. Then shine the spotlight byrequestingarepeatperformance.
Onewordofwarning:makesurethestoryyourequestisoneinwhichthetellershines.Noonewantstoretellthetimetheylostthesale,crackedupthecar,or
brokeupthebarandspentthenightinjail.MakesureyourrequestedEncore!isapositivestorywheretheycomeouttheBigWinner,notthebuffoon.Thenexttechniquedealswithsharingsomepositivestoriesofyourlife.
Endearinglittleflubs?
Often people think when they meet someone they like, they should share asecret,revealanintimacy,ormakeaconfessionofsortstoshowtheyarehumantoo. Airing your youthful battle with bed wetting, teeth grinding, or thumbsucking– or your present strugglewith gout or a goitre – supposedly endearsyoutothemasses.Well, sometimes itdoes.Onestudyshowed that ifsomeone isaboveyou in
stature, their revealing a foible brings them closer to you.12 The holes in thebottomofpresidential candidateAdlaiStevenson’s shoescharmedanation, asdidGeorgeBush’sshockingadmissionthathecouldn’tstomachbroccoli.Ifyou’reonsurefooting,sayasuperstarwhowantstobecomefriendswitha
fan,goaheadand tellyourdevoteesabout the timeyouwereoutofworkandpenniless.Butifyou’renotasuperstar,betterplayitsafeandkeeptheskeletonsintheclosetuntillater.Peopledon’tknowyouwellenoughtoputyourfoibleincontext.Later in a relationship, telling your new friend you’ve been thricemarried,
yougotcaughtshopliftingasateenager,andyougotturneddownforabigjobmaybenobigdeal.Andthatmaybetheextentofwhatcouldbeconstruedasblack marks on an otherwise flawless life of solid relationships, nomisdemeanors, and an impressive professional record. But very early in arelationship, the instinctive reaction is ‘What else is coming? If he shares thatwithmesoquickly,whatelseishehiding?Aclosetfulofex-spouses,acriminalrecord,wallspaperedwithrejectionletters?’Yournewacquaintancehasnowayofknowingyourconfessionwasagenerousact,awell-intentionedrevelation,onyourpart.
Technique22:
Ac-cen-tu-atethepos-i-tiveWhenfirstmeetingsomeone,lockyourclosetdoorandsaveyourskeletonsforlater.Youandyournewgoodfriendcaninvitetheskeletonsout,haveagoodlaugh,anddanceovertheirboneslaterintherelationship.Butnow’sthetime,astheoldsongsays,to‘ac-cen-tu-atethepos-i-tiveandelim-i-natetheneg-a-tive.’
Sofar,inthissection,youhavefoundassertivemethodsformeetingpeopleandmasteringsmall talk.Thenext isbothanassertiveanddefensivemovetohelpspareyouthatpastysmilewetendtosportwhenwehavenoideawhatpeoplearetalkingabout.
Yourmostimportantprop
You’veheardfolkswhine,‘Ican’tgototheparty,Ihaven’tgotathingtowear.’Whenwasthelasttimeyouheard,‘Ican’tgototheparty,Ihaven’tgotathingtosay?’Whengoingtoagatheringwithgreatnetworkingpossibilities,younaturally
planyouroutfitandmakesureyourshoeswillmatch.And,ofcourse,youmusthave just the right tieor correct colour lipstick.Youpuffyourhair,packyourbusinesscards,andyou’reoff.Whoa!Waitaminute.Didn’tyouforgetthemostimportantthing?Whatabout
the right conversation to enhance your image? Are you actually going to sayanything thatcomestomind,ordoesn’t,at themoment?Youwouldn’tdonthefirstoutfityourgropinghandhitsinthedarkenedcloset,soyoushouldn’tleaveyourconversingtothefirstthoughtthatcomestomindwhenfacingagroupofexpectant, smiling faces. You will, of course, follow your instincts inconversation.Butatleastbepreparedincaseinspirationdoesn’thit.The bestway to assure you’re conversationally in the swing of things is to
listen to a newscast just before you leave.What’s happening right now in theworld–allthefires,floods,airdisasters,toppledgovernments,andstockmarketcrashes – pulverizes into great conversational fodder, no matter what crowdyou’recirculatingin.ItiswithsomeembarrassmentthatImustattributethefollowingtechniqueto
abusinesswomanintheworld’soldestprofession.ForamagazinearticleIwaswriting, I interviewedoneof thesavviestoperators inher field,SidneyBiddleBarrows,thefamedMayflowerMadam.
Sydney toldme she had a house rulewhen shewas in business.All of herfemale‘independentcontractors’weredirectedtokeepupwiththedailynewssothey could be good conversationalists with their clients. This was not justSidney’swhim.Feedback fromher employeeshad revealed that 60percent ofhergirls’workhourwasspendinchatting,andonly40percentinsatisfyingthecustomers’needs.Thussheinstructedthemtoreadthedailynewspaperorlistentoaradiobroadcastbeforeleavingforanappointment.Sidneytoldmewhensheinitiatedthisrule,herbusinessincreasedsignificantly.Reportscamebackfromher clients complimenting her on the fascinatingwomen she hadworking forher.Theconsummatebusinesswoman,MsBarrowsalwaysstrovetoexceedhercustomers’expectations.
Technique23:
Thelatestnews…don’tleavehomewithoutitThe last move to make before leaving for the party – even after you’vegivenyourselffinalapprovalinthemirror–istoturnontheradionewsorscan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material.Knowing the big-deal news of themoment is also a defensivemove thatrescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking whateverybody’s talking about. Foot-in-mouth is not very tasty in public,especiallywhenit’ssurroundedbyegg-on-face.
Readyforthebigleaguesofconversation?Let’sgo…
When two tigers prowling through the jungle chance upon each other in aclearing,theylookateachother.Theyfreeze.Instinctivelytheycalculate,‘Ifourstaring came to hissing– came to scratching– came to clawing–whowouldwin?Whichofushasthestrongersurvivalskills?’Tigersinthewildernessdifferlittlefromtheurbanuprightanimalsinhabiting
thecorporatejungle(orsinglesjungleorsocialjungle).Humansstarttheprocessby lookingateachotherand talking. In thebusinessworld,while smilinganduttering ‘How do you do?’ ‘Hello,’ ‘Howdy,’ or ‘Hi,’ they are, like tigers,instinctively,instantaneously,sizingeachotherup.They’renot calculating the lengthof eachother’s clawsor the sharpnessof
their teeth. They’re judging each other on a weapon far more powerful tosurvival as they have defined it. Humans are judging each other’scommunicationsskills.Although theymaynotknow thenamesof the specificstudiesfirstprovingit,theysensethetruth:85percentofone’ssuccessinlifeisdirectlyduetocommunicationsskills.13They may not be familiar with the U.S. Census Bureau’s recent survey
showing employers choose candidates with good communications skills andattitude way over education, experience, and training.14 But they knowcommunications skills get people to the top. Thus, by observing each othercarefully during casual conversing, it becomes almost immediately evident tobothwhichistheBiggerCatinthehumanjungle.
Itdoesn’ttakelongforpeopletorecognizewhoisan‘important’person.Onecliché, one insensitive remark, one overanxious reaction, and you can beprofessionally or personally demoted. You can lose a potentially importantfriendship or business contact. One stupid move and you can tumble off thecorporateorsocialladder.Thetechniquesinthissectionwillhelpassureyoumakealltherightmovesso
thisdoesn’thappen.Thefollowingcommunicationsskillsgiveyoua legup tostartyourascenttothetopofanyladderyouchoose.
‘Andwhatdoyoudo?Hmm?’
Tosizeeachotherup,thefirstquestionlittlecatsflat-pawedlyaskeachotheris,‘Andwhat do you do?’ Then they crouch there, quivering their whiskers andtwitchingtheirnoses,withanobvious‘I’mgoingtopronouncesilentjudgmentonyouafteryouanswer’lookontheirpusses.BigCatsneveraskoutright,‘Whatdoyoudo?’(Ohtheyfindout,allright,in
amuchmoresubtlemanner.)Bynotaskingthequestion,theBigBoysandGirlscomeacrossasmoreprincipled,evenspiritual.‘Afterall,’theirsilencesays,‘amanorwomanisfarmorethanhisorherjob.’Resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity.With so much
downsizing, rightsizing, and capsizing of corporations these days, the bluntinterrogationevokesuneasiness.Thejobquestionisnotjustunpleasantforthosewhoare‘betweenengagements.’Ihaveseveralgainfullyemployedfriendswhohatebeingasked,‘Andwhatdoyoudo?’(Oneofthesefolkscutscadaversforautopsies,theotherisataxcollectionagent.)Additionally, there are millions of talented and accomplished women who
have chosen to devote themselves to motherhood. When the cruel corporatequestionisthrustatthem,theyfeelguilty.Therudeinterrogationbelittlestheircommitment to their families.Nomatterhowthewomenanswer, theyfear theaskerisonlygoingtohearahumble‘I’mjustahousewife.’There isyetanother reasonBigBoysandGirlsavoidasking, ‘Whatdoyou
do?’Theirabstinencefromthequestionleadslistenerstobelievethattheyareinthehabitofsoaringwithahigh-flyingcrowd.RecentlyIattendedaposhpartyonEasyStreet.(Isuspecttheyinvitedmeastheirtokenworking-classperson.)Inoticednoonewasaskinganyonewhattheydid–becausetheseswellsdidn’tdoanything.Oh,somemighthaveatickertapeonthebedtableoftheirmansiontotrackinvestments.Buttheydefinitelydidnotworkforaliving.
The final benefit to not asking, ‘What do you do?’ is it throws people offguard.Itconvincesthemyouareenjoyingtheircompanyforwhotheyare,notforanycrassnetworkingreason.
Technique24:
Whatdoyoudo–NOT!Asuresignyou’reaSomebodyistheconspicuousabsenceofthequestion,‘Whatdoyoudo?’ (Youdetermine this,ofcourse,butnotwith thosefourdirty words that label you as either (1) a ruthless networker, (2) a socialclimber, (3) agold-digginghusbandorwifehunter,or (4) someonewho’sneverstrolledalongEasyStreet.)
Therightwaytofindout
Sohowdoyoufindoutwhatsomeonedoesforaliving?(Ithoughtyou’dneverask.)Yousimplypractisethefollowingeightwords.Alltogethernow:‘How…do…you…spend…most…of…your…time?’‘Howdoyouspendmostofyourtime?’isthegraciouswaytoletacadaver
cutter, a tax collector, or a capsized employee off the hook. It’s the way toreinforceanaccomplishedmother’schoice.It’sthewaytoassureaspiritualsoulyouseehisorherinnerbeauty.It’sawaytosuggesttoaswellthatyouresideonEasyStreet,too.Now,supposeyou’vejustmadetheacquaintanceofsomeonewhodoesliketo
talkabouthisorherwork?Asking,‘Howdoyouspendmostofyourtime?’alsoopensthedoorforworkaholicstospoutoff:‘Ohgolly,’theymockmoan,‘Ijustspendallmytimeworking.’That,ofcourse,isyourinvitationtogrillthemfordetails. (Then they’ll talkyourearoff.)Yet thenewwordingofyourquestiongives those who are somewhere between ‘at leisure’ and ‘work addicted’ thechoiceoftellingyouabouttheirjobornot.Finally,asking‘Howdoyouspendmostofyour time?’ insteadof ‘Andwhatdoyoudo?’givesyouyourBigCatstripesrightoff.
SociallySubmittingYourOralResume
Now,havingsaid that,99percentof thepeopleyoumeetwill,ofcourse,ask‘And what do you do?’ BigWinners, realizing someone will always ask, arefullypreparedfortheinterrogation.Manyfolkshaveonewrittenresumeforjobseeking.Theytypeitupandthen
trudge off to the printer to get a nice neat stack to send to all prospectiveemployers.Theresumeliststheirpreviouspositions,datesofemployment,andeducation.Then,atthebottom,theymightaswellhavescribbled,‘Well, that’sme.Take it or leave it.’And usually they get left.Why?Because prospectiveemployersdonotfindenoughspecificpointsintheresumethatrelatedirectlytowhattheirfirmisseeking.BoysandGirlsintheBigLeagues,however,havebitsandbytesoftheirentire
workexperiencetuckedawayintheircomputers.Whenapplyingforajob,theypunchuponlytheappropriatedataandprint itoutsoit lookslikeit justcamefromtheprinter.My friendRobertowasoutofwork last year.Heapplied for twopositions.
Onewas for salesmanager of an ice cream company. The otherwas head ofstrategicplanningforafast-foodchain.Hedidextensiveresearchandfoundtheicecreamcompanyhaddeepsalesdifficultiesandthefoodchainhadlong-rangeinternationalaspirations.Didhesendthesameresumetoeach?Absolutelynot.Hisresumeneverdeviatedoneiotafromthetruthofhisbackground.However,for the ice cream company, he highlighted his experience turning a smallcompany around by doubling its sales in three years. For the food chain, heunderscored his experience working in Europe and his knowledge of foreignmarkets.BothfirmsofferedRobertothejob.Nowhecouldplaythemoffagainsteach
other.Hewenttoeach,explaininghe’dliketoworkfor thembutanotherfirm
wasofferingahighersalaryormoreperks.Thetwofirmsstartedbiddingagainsteach other for Roberto. He finally chose the food chain at almost double thesalarytheyoriginallyofferedhim.Tomake themost of every encounter, personalize your verbal resumewith
justasmuchcareasyouwouldyourwrittencurriculumvitae.Insteadofhavingone answer to the omnipresent ‘What do you do?’ prepare a dozen or sovariations, depending on who’s asking. For optimum networking, every timesomeoneasksaboutyourjob,giveacalculatedoralresumeinanutshell.Beforeyousubmityouranswer,considerwhatpossibleinteresttheaskercouldhaveinyouandyourwork.
‘Here’showmylifecanbenefityours’
Top salespeople talk extensively of the ‘benefit statement.’ They know, whentalkingwithapotentialclient,theyshouldopentheirconversationwithabenefitstatement.WhenmycolleagueBrianmakescoldcalls,insteadofsaying‘Hello,mynameisBrianTracy.I’masalestrainer,’hesays,‘Hello,mynameisBrianTracyfromtheInstituteforExecutiveDevelopment.Wouldyoubeinterestedina provenmethod that can increase your sales from20 to 30per cent over thenext twelvemonths?’ That is his benefit statement. He highlights the specificbenefitsofwhathehastooffertohisprospect.My hairdresser Gloria, I discovered, gives a terrific benefit statement to
everyoneshemeets.That’sprobablywhyshehassomanyclients.Infact,that’showshegotmeasaclient.WhenImetGloriaataconvention,shetoldmeshewasahairdresserwhospecializedinflexiblehairstylesforthebusinesswoman.She casually mentioned she has many clients who choose a conservativehairstyle forwork that theycan instantlyconvert toa femininestyle forsocialsituations.‘Hey,that’sme,’Isaidtomyself,fingeringmystringylittleponytail.IaskedforhercardandGloriabecamemyhairdresser.Then, several months later, I happened to see Gloria at another event. I
overheard her chatting with a stylish grey-haired woman at the buffet table.Gloriawas saying ‘…andwe specialize in awonderful array of blue rinses.’Nowthatwasnewstome!Ididn’trememberseeingonegreyheadinhersalon.AsIwasleavingtheparty,Gloriawasoutonthelawntalkinganimatedlywith
thehost’s teenagedaughters. ‘Ohyeah,’ shewassaying, ‘likewespecialize inthesereallycoolup-to-the-minutestyles.’Goodforyou,Gloria!
LikeGloriathehairdresser,giveyourresponseaonce-overbeforeansweringthe inevitable ‘What do you do?’When someone asks, never give just a one-word answer. That’s for forms. If business networking is on your mind, askyourself,‘Howcouldmyprofessionalexperiencebenefitthisperson’slife?’Forexample,herearesomedescriptionsvariouspeoplemightputontheirtaxreturn:
estateagentfinancialplannermartialartsinstructorcosmeticsurgeonhairdresser
Anypractitioneroftheaboveprofessionsshouldreflectonthebenefithisorherjobhastohumankind.(Everyjobhassomebenefitoryouwouldn’tgetpaidtodoit.)Theadvicetothefolksaboveis:
Don’tsay‘estateagent.’Say‘Ihelppeoplemovingintoourareafindtherighthome.’
Don’tsay‘financialplanner.’Say‘Ihelppeopleplantheirfinancialfuture.’Don’t say ‘martial arts instructor.’ Say ‘I help people defend themselves byteachingmartialarts.’
Don’tsay‘cosmeticsurgeon.’Say‘Ireconstructpeople’sfacesafterdisfiguringaccidents.’ (Or, if you’re talking with a woman ‘of a certain age,’ as theFrenchsogracefullysay,tellher,‘Ihelppeopletolookasyoungastheyfeelthroughcosmeticsurgery.’)
Don’t say ‘hairdresser.’Say ‘I help awoman find the righthairstyle forherparticularface.’(Go,Gloria!)
PuttingthebenefitstatementinyourverbalNutshellResumebringsyourjobto lifeandmakes itmemorable.Even ifyournewacquaintancecan’tuseyourservices,thenexttimeheorshemeetssomeonemovingintothearea,wantingtoplan their financial future, thinking of self defence, considering cosmeticsurgery,orneedinganewhairstyle,whocomestomind?Nottheunimaginativepeoplewho gave the tax-return description of their jobs, but theBigWinnerswhopaintedapictureofhelpingpeoplewithneeds.
Anutshellresumeforyourprivatelife
The Nutshell Resume works in nonbusiness situations, too. Since newacquaintanceswillalwaysaskyouaboutyourself,prepareafewexcitingstockanswers.Whenmeeting a potential friend or loved one,make your life soundlikeyouwillbeafunpersontoknow.Asayounggirl,Iwrotenovelsinmymindaboutmylife.‘Leil,squintingher
eyes against the torrential downpour, bravely reachedout thewindow into theicystormtopulltheshutterstightandkeepthefamilysafefromtheapproachinghurricane.’Bigdeal–Mamaaskedmetoclosethewindowswhenitstartedtorain. Still, marching toward the open window, I fancied myself the family’sbravesaviour.Youdon’t need tobequite somelodramatic inyour self-image, but at least
punchupyourlifetosoundinterestinganddedicated.
Technique25:
ThenutshellresumeJust as job-seeking topmanagers roll a different written resume off theirprintersforeachpositionthey’reapplyingfor,letadifferenttruestoryaboutyour professional life roll off your tongue for each listener. Beforerespondingto‘Whatdoyoudo?’askyourself,‘Whatpossibleinterestcouldthispersonhave inmyanswer?Couldhe referbusiness tome?Buy fromme?Hireme?Marrymysister?Becomemybuddy?’Whereveryougo,packanutshellaboutyourownlifetoworkintoyour
communicationsbagoftricks.
Easypathtotheverballyelite
Didyoueverhearsomeonetrytosayawordthatwasjusttoodamnbigfortheirtongue?Bythesmileonthespeaker’sfaceandthegleaminhiseyeasthewordlimpedoffhislips,youknewhewasreallyproudofit.(Tomakemattersworse,he probably used the word incorrectly, inappropriately, and maybe evenmispronouncedit.Ouch.)Theworldperceivespeoplewithrichvocabulariestobemorecreative,more
intelligent. Peoplewith larger vocabularies get hired quicker, promoted faster,andlistenedtoawholelotmore.SoBigWinnersuserich,fullwords,buttheynever sound inappropriate. The phrases slide gracefully off their tongues toenrichtheirconversation.Thewordsfit.Withthecarethattheychoosetheirtieortheirblouse,BigPlayersinlifechoosewordstomatchtheirpersonalitiesandtheirpoints.Thestartlinggoodnewsisthatthedifferencebetweenarespectedvocabulary
andamundaneoneisonlyaboutfiftywords!Youdon’tneedmuchtosoundlikea Big Winner. A mere few dozen wonderful words will give everyone theimpressionthatyouhaveanoriginalandcreativemind.Acquiring this super vocabulary is easy. You needn’t pore over vocabulary
books or listen to tapes of pompous pontificators with impossible Britishaccents.Youdon’tneedtolearntwo-dollarwordsthatyourgrandmother,ifsheheard,wouldwashoutofyourmouthwithsoap.Allyouneed todo is thinkofafewtired,overworkedwordsyouuseevery
day–wordslikesmart,nice,pretty,orgood.Thengrabathesaurusorbookofsynonymsofftheshelf.Lookupthatcommonwordevenyouareboredhearingyourselfuttereveryday.Examineyourlonglistofalternatives.Forexample,ifyouturntothewordsmart,you’llfinddozensofsynonyms.
Therearecolourful,richwordslike ingenious,resourceful,adroit,shrewd,and
many more. Run down the list and say each out loud. Which ones fit yourpersonality?Whichonesseemrightforyou?Tryeachonlikeasuitofclothestoseewhich feel comfortable.Choose a few favourites andpractise saying themalouduntiltheybecomeanaturalstapleofyourvocabulary.Thenexttimeyouwanttocomplimentsomeoneonbeingsmart,say,you’llbepurring
‘Oh,thatwassocleverofyou.’‘Myhowresourceful.’‘Thatwasingenious.’Ormaybe,‘Howastuteofyou.’
Andnow,formenonly
Gentlemen,wewomenspendalotoftimeinfrontofthemirror(asifyoudidn’tknow).When Iwas in college, it used to takemea full fifteenminutes to fixmyselfupforadate.Everyyearsince,I’vehadtoaddafewminutes.I’mnowuptoanhourandahalfdressingmyselfupforaneveningout.Gentlemen,whenyourwifecomesdownthestaircasealldolledupforanight
out,oryoupickaladyupfordinner,whatdoyousay?Ifyoumakenocommentexcept,‘Well,areyoureadytogo?’howdoyouthinkthatmakestheladyfeel?I have one friend, Gary, a nice gentleman who occasionally takes me to
dinner.Imethimabouttwelveyearsago,andI’llneverforgetthefirsttimehearrivedonmydoorstepforourdate.Hesaid,‘Leil,youlookgreat.’Iadoredhisreaction!IsawGaryamonthorsolater.Onmydoorstepagain,‘Leil,youlookgreat.’
Theprecisesamewordsasthefirsttime,butIstillappreciatedit.It’sbeentwelvelongyearsnowthatthisgentlemanandIhavebeenfriends.I
see him about once every twomonths, and every darn time it’s the same oldcomment, ‘Leil,you lookgreat.’ (I thinkI’llshowuponeevening inaflannelnightshirt and amudpack onmy face. I swearGarywill say, ‘Leil, you lookgreat.’)Duringmyseminars, tohelpmenavoidGary’smistake, Iaskeverymale to
thinkofasynonymforpretty,orgreat.ThenIbringuponewomanandseveralmen.Iaskeachtopretendheisherhusband.Shehasjustcomedownthestairsreadytogoouttodinner.Iaskeachtotakeherhandanddeliverhiscompliment.‘Darla,’onesays,‘youlookelegant.’‘Ooh!’Everywomanintheroomsighs.
‘Darla,’saysanother,takingherhand,‘youlookstunning.’‘Ooh!’Everywomanintheroomswoons.‘Darla,’saysthethird,puttingherhandbetweenhis,‘Youlookravishing.’‘Ooooh!’Bynoweverywomanintheroomhasgonelimp.Payattentionmen!Wordsworkonuswomen.
Moreunisexsuggestions
Supposeyou’vebeenatapartyanditwaswonderful.Don’ttellthehostsitwaswonderful. Everybody says that. Tell them it was a splendid party, a superbparty,anextraordinaryparty.Hugthehostsandtellthemyouhadamagnificenttime,aremarkabletime,aglorioustime.Thefirstfewtimesyousayawordlikeglorious,itmaynotrollcomfortably
offyourtongue.Yetyouhavenotroublewiththewordwonderful.Hmm,glor-i-ousdoesn’thaveanymoresyllablesthanwon-der-ful.Neitherdoesithaveanymoredifficultsoundstopronounce.Vocabularyisallamatteroffamiliarity.Useyournewfavouritewordsa few timesand, just likebreaking inanewpairofshoes,you’llbeverycomfortablewearingyourgloriousnewwords.
Technique26:
YourpersonalthesaurusLook up some commonwords you use every day in the thesaurus. Then,likeslippingyourfeetintoanewpairofshoes,slipyourtongueintoafewnewwords to see how they fit. If you like them, startmaking permanentreplacements.Remember,onlyfiftywordsmakesthedifferencebetweenarich,creative
vocabularyandanaverage,middle-of-the-roadone.Substituteawordadayfortwomonthsandyou’llbeintheverballyelite.
Letthemdiscoveryoursimilarity
Tigers prowl with tigers, lions lurk with lions, and little alley cats scramblearoundwithotherlittlealleycats.Similaritybreedsattraction.Butinthehumanjungle,BigCatsknowasecret.Whenyoudelayrevealingyoursimilarity,orletthemdiscoverit,ithasmuchmorepunch.Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of
jumpinginwithabreathless,‘Hey,me,too!Idothat,too’or‘Iknowallaboutthat,’ letyourConversationPartnerenjoy talkingabout it.Lethergoonaboutthe country club before you tell her you’re a member, too. Let him go onanalyzingthegolfswingofArnoldPalmerbeforeyoustartcasuallycomparingtheswingsofgolfgreatsGreg,Jack,Tiger,andArnie.Lethertellyouhowmanytennisgamesshe’swonbeforeyoujusthappentomentionyourUSTAranking.Severalyearsago,IwastellinganewacquaintancehowmuchIlovetoski.
He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed travelogue of places I’dskied. I raved about the various resorts. I analyzed the various conditions. Idiscussed artificial versus natural snow. It wasn’t until near the end of mymonologuethatIfinallyhadthesensetoaskmynewacquaintanceifheskied.Hereplied,‘Yes,IkeepalittleapartmentinAspen.’Cool! Ifhe’d jumpedinand toldmeabouthisskipadrightafter I first told
him how much I liked skiing, I’d have been impressed. Mildly. However,waitinguntil theend ofourconversation–and then revealinghewas suchanavidskierthathekeptanAspenskipad–madeitunforgettable.Here’s the technique I call Kill the Quick ‘Me, Too!’ Whenever people
mentionanactivityorinterestyoushare,letthemenjoydiscussingtheirpassion.Then,whenthetimeisright,casuallymentionyousharetheirinterest.
Oh,Imusthavebeenboringyou!
Iwaitedweeks for theopportunity to try it out.Finally themomentpresenteditself at a convention.Anewcontactbegan tellingmeabouther recent trip toWashington,D.C.(ShehadnoideathatWashingtonwaswhereIgrewup.)Shetoldmeallabout theCapitol, theWashingtonmonument, theKennedyCenter,andhowsheandherhusbandwentbicyclinginRockCreekPark.(MomentarilyI forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practise my new technique. I wasgenuinely enjoying hearing about these familiar sights from a visitor’sperspective.)Iaskedherwhereshestayed,whereshedined,andifshehadachancetoget
intoanyofthebeautifulMarylandorVirginiasuburbs.Atonepoint,obviouslypleasedbymyinterestinhertrip,shesaid,‘YousoundlikeyouknowalotaboutWashington.’‘Yes,’Ireplied.‘It’smyhometown,butIhaven’tbeenbackthereinages.’‘Your hometown!’ she squealed. ‘My goodness, why didn’t you tell me? I
musthavebeenboringyou.’‘Oh,notatall,’Irepliedhonestly.‘Iwasenjoyinghearingaboutyourtripso
much, Iwasafraidyou’d stop if I toldyou.’Herbig smileandbarelyaudible‘Ohgosh’letmeknowIhadwonanewfriend.Whensomeonestartstellingyouaboutanactivityhehasdone,atripshehas
made,aclubhebelongsto,aninterestshehas–anythingthatyoushare–biteyourtongue.Letthetellerrelishhisorherownmonologue.Relaxandenjoyit,too, secretlyknowinghowmuchpleasureyourConversationPartnerwillhavewhenyourevealyousharethesameexperience.Then,whenthemomentisripe,casuallydiscloseyoursimilarity.Andbesuretomentionhowmuchyouenjoyedhearingabouthisorhersharedinterest.
Technique27:
Killthequick‘me,too!’Whenever you have something in commonwith someone, the longer youwait to reveal it, themoremoved (and impressed) he or shewill be.Youemerge as a confident BigCat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quickconnectionwithastranger.PS:Don’twaittoolongtorevealyoursharedinterestoritwillseemlike
you’rebeingtricky.
BeaYOU-firstie
‘SEX!NowthatIhaveyourattention…’Two-bitcomicshavebeenusingthatgag from the days when two bits bought a foursquare meal. However, BigWinnersknowthere’sathree-letterwordmorepotentthenSEX togetpeople’sattention.ThatwordisYOU.Why is YOU such a powerful word? Because when we were infants, we
thoughtwewerethecentreoftheuniverse.NothingmatteredbutME,MYSELF,andI.Therestof theshadowyformsstirringaboutus(whichwelater learnedwere other people) existed solely for what they could do for us. Self-centredlittle tykes that we were, our tiny brains translated every action, every word,into,‘HowdoesthataffectME?’BigWinners knowwe haven’t changed a bit.Adults camouflage their self-
centrednessunderamaskofcivilizationandpoliteness.Yetthehumanbrainstillimmediately, instinctively, and unfailingly translates everything into terms of‘HowdoesthataffectME?’For example, suppose, gentlemen, you want to ask a colleague, Jill, if she
wouldliketojoinyoufordinner.Soyousaytoher,‘There’sareallygoodnewIndianrestaurantintown.Willyoujoinmetherefordinnertonight?’Before answering, Jill is thinking to herself, ‘By “good” does hemean the
foodortheatmosphereorboth?’Herreveriecontinues,‘Indiancuisine,I’mnotsure.He says it’sgood.However,will I like it?’While thinking, Jill hesitates.You probably take her hesitation personally, and the joy of the exchangediminishes.Suppose, instead, you had said to her, ‘Jill, YOUwill really love this new
Indian restaurant.Will you joinme there this evening for dinner?’ Phrasing itthatway,you’vealreadysubliminallyansweredJill’squestionsandshe’smoreapttogiveyouaquickyes.
The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Psychologists tell useveryone automatically gravitates toward that which is pleasurable and pullsawayfromthatwhichispainful.Formanypeople,thinkingispainful.So Big Winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by, sell to
people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them. They translateeverything into theotherperson’s termsby startingasmany sentencesas theycanwith thatpowerful little three-letterword,YOU.Thus, I call the techniqueComm-YOU-nication.
Comm-YOU-nicatewhenyouwantafavour
PuttingYOUfirstgetsamuchbetterresponse,especiallywhenyou’reaskingafavour,because itpushes theasker’spridebutton.Supposeyouwant to takealongweekend.Youdecide toaskyourboss ifyoucan takeFridayoff.Whichrequestdoyouthinkheorsheisgoingtoreacttomorepositively?‘CanItakeFridayoff,Boss?’Orthisone:‘Boss,canYOUdowithoutmeFriday?’Inthefirstcase,Bosshadtotranslateyour‘CanItakeFridayoff’into‘CanI
dowithout this employee Friday?’ That’s an extra thought process. (And youknowhowsomebosseshatetothink!)However,inthesecondcase,‘Boss,canYOUdowithoutmeFriday,’youdid
Boss’sthinkingforher.Yournewwordingmademanagingwithoutyouamatterofpride forBoss. ‘Ofcourse,’ shesaid toherself. ‘IcanmanagewithoutyourhelpFriday.’
Comm-YOU-nicateyourcompliments
Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation.Gentlemen, say aladylikesyoursuit.Whichwomangivesyouwarmerfeelings?Thewomanwhosays,‘Ilikeyoursuit.’Ortheonewhosays,‘YOUlookgreatinthatsuit.’Big Players who make business presentations use Comm-YOU-nication to
excellent advantage. Suppose you’re giving a talk and a participant asks aquestion.Helikestohearyousay,‘That’sagoodquestion.’However,considerhowmuchbetterhefeelswhenyoutellhim,‘YOU’VEaskedagoodquestion.’Salespeople, don’t just tell yourprospects, ‘It’s important that…’Convince
thembyinformingthem,‘YOU’LLseetheimportanceof…’
Whennegotiating,insteadof,‘Theresultwillbe…’letthemknow,‘YOU’LLseetheresultwhenyou…’Starting sentences with YOU even works when talking to strangers on the
street. Once, driving around San Francisco hopelessly lost, I asked peoplewalkingalongthesidewalkhowtoget to theGoldenGateBridge. Istoppedacoupletrudgingupahill.‘Excuseme,’Icalledoutthewindow,‘Ican’tfindtheGoldenGateBridge.’Thepairlookedateachotherandshruggedwiththat‘Howstupid can these tourists get’ lookon their faces. ‘That direction,’ thehusbandmumbled,pointingstraightahead.Still lost, Icalledout to thenextcoupleIencountered.‘Excuseme,where’s
the Golden Gate Bridge?’ Without smiling, they pointed in the oppositedirection.Then I decided to try Comm-YOU-nication. When I came upon the next
strollingcouple,Icalledoutthewindow,‘Excuseme,couldYOUtellmewheretheGoldenGateBridgeis?’‘Ofcourse,’ theysaid,answeringmyquestionliterally.Yousee,byphrasing
thequestion thatway, itwasasubtlechallenge. Iwasasking, inessence, ‘Areyouabletogivemedirections?’Thishitstheminthepridebutton.Theywalkedovertomycarandgavemeexplicitinstructions.Hey,Ithought.ThisYOUstuffreallyworks.Totestmyhypothesis,Itriedita
fewmore times. Ikeptaskingpassers-bymythreeformsof thequestion.Sureenough,whenever I asked, ‘CouldYOU tellmewhere…’ peopleweremorepleasantandhelpfulthanwhenIstartedthequestionwithIorWhere.I’msurewhen they recover the flightbox from theFallofManundera fig
leafintheGardenofEden,itwillconvincetheworldofthepowerofthewordYOU.EvedidnotaskAdamtoeattheapple.Shedidnotcommandhimtoeattheapple.Shedidn’tevensay,‘Adam,Iwantyoutoeatthisapple.’Shephrasedit(asallBigWinnerswould),‘YOUwilllovethisapple.’That’swhyhebit.
Technique28:
Comm-YOU-nicationStart every appropriate sentence with YOU. It immediately grabs yourlistener’s attention. It gets amore positive response because it pushes thepridebuttonandsavesthemhavingtotranslateitinto‘me’terms.WhenyousprinkleYOUas liberallyassaltandpepper throughoutyour
conversation,yourlistenersfinditanirresistiblespice.
Comm-YOU-nicationisasignofsanity
Therapists calculate inmates of mental institutions say I andme twelve timesmoreoftenthanresidentsoftheoutsideworld.Aspatients’conditionsimprove,thenumberoftimestheyusethepersonalpronounsalsodiminishes.Continuingupthesanityscale,thefewertimesyouuseI,themoresaneyou
seemtoyourlisteners.IfyoueavesdroponBigWinnerstalkingwitheachother,you’llnoticealotmoreyouthanIintheirconversation.
ThenexttechniqueconcernsawayBigWinnersaresilentlyYOU-oriented.
‘Idon’tsmileatjustanybody’
Haveyoueverseenthoselow-budgetmail-orderfashioncataloguesthatusethesamemodelthroughout?Whethersheisengulfedinaweddinggownorpartiallycladinabikini,herfacesportsthesameplasticsmile.Lookingather,yougetthefeelingifyourappedonherforehead,atinyvoicewouldcomebacksaying‘Nobody’sinhere.’Whereasmodelsinmoresophisticatedmagazineshavemasteredamyriadof
different expressions: a flirtatious ‘I’ve got a secret’ smile on one page; aquizzical‘IthinkI’dliketogettoknowyoubutI’mnotsure’smileonthenext;andamysteriousMonaLisasmileonthethird.Youfeelthere’sabrainrunningtheoperationsomewhereinsidethatbeautifulhead.I once stood in the receiving line of the ship I worked on, along with the
captain,hiswifeandseveralotherofficers.Onepassengerwitharadiantsmilestarted shaking hands down our line. When he got to me, he flashed ashimmeringsmile,revealingteethasevenandwhiteaskeysonanewpiano.Iwas transfixed. It was as though a brilliant light had illuminated the dimballroom. I wished him a happy cruise and resolved to find this charminggentlemanlater.Thenhewasintroducedtothenextperson.Outofthecornerofmyeye,Isaw
hisidenticalglisteninggrin.Athirdperson,thesamegrin.Myinterestbegantodwindle.Whenhegavehisfourthindistinguishablesmiletothenextperson,hestarted
toresembleaCheshirecat.Bythetimehewasintroducedtothefifthperson,hisconsistentsmilefeltlikeastrobelightdisturbingtheambianceoftheballroom.StrobeManwentonflashingeverybodythesamesmiledowntheline.Ihadnofurtherinterestintalkingwithhim.
Whydidthisman’sstockshoothighinmytickeroneminuteandplummetthenext?Becausehissmile,althoughcharming,reflectednospecialreactiontome.Obviously, he gave the same smile to everybody and, by that, it lost all itsspecialness. If StrobeMan had given each of us a slightly different smile, hewouldhaveappearedsensitiveandinsightful.(Ofcourse,ifhissmilehadbeenjust a tad bigger for me than for the others, I couldn’t have waited for theformalitiestobeovertoseekhimoutinthecrowdedballroom.)
Reviewyourrepertoireofsmiles
Ifyourjobrequiredyoutocarryagun,youwould,ofcourse,learnallaboutthemoving parts before firing it. And before taking aim, you would carefullyconsiderwhether itwouldmurder,maim, ormerelywound your target. Sinceyoursmileisoneofyourbiggestcommunicationsweapons,learnallaboutthemoving parts and the effect on your target. Set aside fiveminutes. Lock yourbedroom or bathroom door so your family doesn’t think you’ve gone off thedeepend.Nowstandinfrontofthemirrorandflashafewsmiles.Discoverthesubtledifferencesinyourrepertoire.Just as you would alternate saying ‘Hello,’ ‘How do you do,’ and ‘I am
pleased to meet you’ when being introduced to a group of people, vary yoursmile.Don’tusethesameoneach.Leteachofyoursmilesreflectthenuancesofyoursentimentabouttherecipient.
Technique29:
TheexclusivesmileIf you flash everybody the same smile, like aConfederate dollar, it losesvalue.Whenmeetinggroupsofpeople,graceeachwithadistinctsmile.LetyoursmilesgrowoutofthebeautyBigPlayersfindineachnewface.Ifonepersoninagroupismoreimportanttoyouthantheothers,reserve
anespeciallybig,floodingsmilejustforhimorher.
Indefenceofthequickie
Therearetimes,Idiscovered,whenthequickput-onsmileworks.Forexample,whenyouwanttoengineertheacquaintanceofsomeonetowhomyouhavenot
hadtheopportunitytobeintroduced.(Inthevernacular,that’s‘pickthemup.’)Thesmile’spickuppowerwasprovenforposteritybysolemnresearchersat
theUniversity ofMissouri. They conducted a highly controlled study entitled‘Giving Men the Come-on: Effect of Eye Contact and Smiling in a BarEnvironment.’15 (I kidyounot.)Toprove their hypothesis, female researchersmadeeyecontactwithunsuspectingmalesubjectsenjoyingalittlelibationinalocaldrinkingestablishment.Sometimes, the female researchers followed theirglancewithasmile.Inothercases,nosmile.Theresults?Iquotethestudy:‘Thehighestapproachbehaviour,60percent,
wasobservedin theconditioninwhichtherewassmiling.’That translates intolayman’sEnglish: ‘The guy came over 60 per cent of the timewhen the ladysmiled.’Withoutthesmile,he‘madetheapproachonly20percentofthetime.’So,yes,asmileworksforthosewhowishtopicksomebodyup.However, in situations where the stakes are higher, try theFlooding Smile
fromthefirstsection,andnowtheExclusiveSmile.
Thequickestwaytotellajerk
Do you remember that scene from themovie classicAnnieHall whereDianeKeaton is firstmeetingWoodyAllen?Asshe’schattingwithhim,wehearherprivatethoughts.She’smusingtoherself,‘OhIhopehe’snotajerklikealltheothers.’OneofthequickestwaystomakeaBigWinnerthinkyouare,well,ajerk,is
touseacliché.Ifyou’rechattingwithaTopCommunicatorandeveninnocentlyremark ‘Yes, I was tired as a dog,’ or ‘She was cute as a button,’ you’veunknowinglylaidalinguisticbomb.BigWinnerssilentlymoanwhen theyhearsomeonemoutha triteoverworn
phrase.Ohsure,justlikerestofus,BigWinnersfindthemselvesfeelingfitasafiddle,happyasalark,orhighasakite.Liketherestofhumanity,theyconsidersomeoftheiracquaintancescrazyasaloon,nuttyasafruitcake,orblindasabat.Becausemanyofthemworkhard,manyofthemareasbusyasabeeandgetrichasCroesus.Yetwouldanyofthemdescribethemselvesinthosewords?Notinamillion
years!Why?BecausewhenaBigWinnerhearsyourcliché,youmightaswellbe saying, ‘My powers of imagination are impoverished. I can’t think ofanything original to say, so Imust fall back on these trite overworn phrases.’Mouthingacommonclichéarounduncommonlysuccessfulpeoplebrandsyouasuncommonlycommon.
Technique30:
Don’ttouchaclichéwitha
ten-footpoleBeonguard.Don’tuseanyclichéswhenchattingwithBigWinners.Don’teven touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not evenwhen hell freezesover?Notunlessyouwanttosounddumbasadoorknob.
Insteadofcoughingupacliché,rollyourowncleverphrasesbyusingthenexttechnique.
You’vegotpro’sequipment
Theysaythepenismightierthanthesword.Itis,butthetongueisevenmightierthan the pen.Our tongues can bring crowds to laughter, to tears, and often totheirfeetinshoutingappreciation.Oratorshavemovednationstowarorbroughtlost souls to God. Andwhat is their equipment? The same eyes, ears, hands,legs,arms,andvocalchordsyouandIhave.Perhapsaprofessionalathletehasastrongerbodyoraprofessionalsingeris
blessedwithamorebeautifulsingingvoicethantheoneweweredoledout.Butthe professional speaker starts outwith the same equipmentwe all have. Thedifference is, these jawsmiths use it all. They use their hands, they use theirbodies,andtheyusespecificgestureswithheavyimpact.Theythinkaboutthespacethey’retalkingin.Theyemploymanydifferenttonesofvoice,theyinvokevarious expressions, they vary the speed with which they speak… and theymakeeffectiveuseofsilence.Youmay not have tomake a formal speech anytime soon, but chances are
sometime(probablyverysoon)you’regoingtowantpeople toseethingsyourway, whether it’s persuading your family to spend their next vacation atGrandma’s, or convincing the stockholders in your multimillion-dollarcorporationthatit’stimetodoatakeover,doitlikeapro.Getabookortwoonpublicspeakingandlearnsomeofthetricksofthetrade.Thenputsomeofthatdramaintoyoureverydayconversation.
Agemforeveryoccasion
Ifstirringwordshelpmakeyourpoint,pondertheimpactofpowerfulphrases.They’ve helped politicians get elected (‘ReadMy Lips, No New Taxes’) and
defendantsgetacquitted(‘Ifitdoesn’tfit,youmustacquit.’)IfGeorgeBushhad said, ‘I promisenot to raise taxes,’ or JohnnyCochran,
duringO.J.Simpson’scriminaltrial,hadsaid,‘Iftheglovedoesn’tfit,hemustbeinnocent,’theirbulkysentenceswouldhaveslippedinandoutofthevoter’sor juror’s consciousness. As every politician and trial lawyer knows, neatphrasesmakepowerfulweapons.(Ifyou’renotcareful,yourenemieswilllaterusethemagainstyou–readmylips!)OneofmyfavouritespeakersisaradiobroadcasternamedBarryFarberwho
brightens up late-night radio with sparkling similes. Barrywould never use aclichélikenervousasacatonahottinroof.He’ddescribebeingnervousaboutlosinghisjobas‘Ifeltlikeanelephantdanglingoveracliffwithhistailtiedtoadaisy.’ Instead of saying he looked at a prettywoman, he’d say, ‘My eyeballspoppedoutanddangledbytheopticnerve.’When I firstmethim, Iasked, ‘MrFarber,howdoyoucomeupwith these
phrases?’‘Mydaddy’sMrFarber. I’mBarry,’hechided (hiswayof saying, ‘Callme
Barry’).He thencandidlyadmitted, althoughsomeofhisphrasesareoriginal,manyareborrowed.(ElvisPresleyusedtosay,‘Mydaddy’sMrPresley.CallmeElvis.’) Like all professional speakers, Barry spends several hours a weekgleaningthroughbooksofquotationsandhumour.Allprofessionalspeakersdo.Theycollectbonmotstheycanuseinavarietyofsituations–mostespeciallytoscrapeeggofftheirfaceswhensomethingunexpectedhappens.Many speakers use author’s and speaker’s agent Lilly Walters’s face-saver
linesfromherbook,WhattoSayWhenYou’reDyingonthePlatform.16Ifyoutellajokeandnoonelaughs,try‘Thatjokewasdesignedtogetasilentlaugh–anditworked.’Ifthemicrophoneletsoutanagonizinghowl,lookatitandsay,‘I don’t understand. I brushedmy teeth thismorning.’ If someone asks you aquestion you don’t want to answer, ‘Could you save that question until I’mfinished–andwellonmywayhome?’Allpros thinkofholes theymight fallintoandthenmemorizegreatescapelines.Youcandothesame.Look through books of similes to enrich your day-to-day conversations.
Insteadofhappyasa lark try ‘happyasa lotterywinner’or ‘happyasababywith its first ice cream cone.’ Instead ofbald as an eagle, try ‘bald as a newmarine’or‘baldasabullfrog’sbelly.’Insteadofquietasamouse,try‘quietasaneelswimminginoil’or‘quietasaflylightingonafeatherduster.’Findphrasesthathavevisualimpact.Insteadofaclichélikesureasdeathand
taxes, try ‘as certain as beach traffic in July’ or ‘as sure as your shadowwill
followyou.’Yourlistenerscan’tseedeathortaxes.ButtheysurecanseebeachtrafficinJulyortheirshadowfollowingthemdownthestreet.Trytomakeyoursimilesrelatetothesituation.Ifyou’reridinginataxiwith
someone, ‘as sureas that taximeterwill rise’has immediate impact. Ifyou’retalkingwithamanwalkinghisdog,‘assureasyourdogisthinkingaboutthattree’addsatouchofhumour.
Make’emlaugh,make’emlaugh,make’emlaugh
Humourenrichesanyconversation.Butnotjokesstartingwith,‘Heydidjahearthe one about …?’ Plan your humour and make it relevant. For example, ifyou’regoingtoameetingonthebudget,lookupmoneyinaquotationbook.Inanuptightbusinesssituation,alittlelevityshowsyou’reatease.Once, during an oppressive financial meeting, I heard a top executive say,
‘Don’tworry, this companyhas enoughmoney to stay inbusiness foryears–unlesswepayourcreditors.’Hebrokethetensionandwontheappreciationofall.LaterIsawasimilarquoteinahumourbookattributedtoJackieMason,thecomedian.Sowhat?TheexecstillcameacrossasCoolCommunicatorwithhisclevercomment.BigPlayerswhowant tobequotedinthemedialieawakeatnightgnawing
the pillow trying to comeupwith phrases the presswill pick up.AMichiganveterinarian named Timothy, a heavy hitter in his own field but completelyunknownoutsideit,madenationalheadlineswhenheplannedtoattachapairoffeettoaroosterwholosthistofrostbite.Why?Becausehecalledita‘drumsticktransplant.’Idon’tknowifaFrenchwoman,JeanneCalment,thenofficiallytheworld’s
oldest person,was looking for publicity on her 122nd birthday.But shemadeinternationalheadlineswhenshetoldthemedia,‘I’veonlyeverhadonewrinkle,andI’msittingonit.’Mark Victor Hansen, a Big Player in his own field but once relatively
unknownoutsideofit,waspropelledintonationalprominencewhenhecameupwithacatchynameforhisbookco-authoredwithJackCanfield,ChickenSoupfortheSoul.Hetoldmehisoriginaltitlewas101PrettyStories.Howfarwouldthathavegone?Soontheworldwaslappingup,amongothers,hisChickenSoupfortheWoman’sSoul,ChickenSoupfortheTeenageSoul,ChickenSoupfortheMother’s Soul,Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul, plus second, third, and
fourth servings of chicken soup in hardcover, paperback, audiocassette,videocassette,andcalendars.
Awordofwarning
Nomatterhowgoodyourmaterial is, it bombs if it doesn’t fit the situation. Ilearnedthisthehardwayduringmycruiseshipdays.OnacruisetoEnglandIdecidedtogivemypassengersareadingoftheEnglishlovepoemsofElizabethBarrettandRobertBrowning.Youknow,‘HowdoIlovethee?Letmecounttheways.’ItwasaBIGhit.Thepassengersloveditandravedfordays.Icouldn’twalk out on deck without some passenger turning to me and affectionatelyechoing,‘HowdoIlovethee?’Naturally I got a pretty swollen head over this performance and fancied
myselfaneminentpoetryreader.Idecidedtorewardthepassengersonthenextcruise (which was a cruise to the Caribbean and didn’t go anywhere in theneighbourhood of England) with my spectacular reading of the English lovepoems.WHATABOMB!Passengersavoidedmeonthedeckfortherestofthecruise.‘Howdidyouboreme?Letmecounttheways.’
Technique31:
Usejawsmith’sjiveWhetheryou’restandingbehindapodiumfacing thousands,orbehind thebarbecue grill facing your family, you’llmove, amuse, andmotivatewiththesameskills.Read speakers’books tocullquotations,pullpearlsofwisdom,andget
gemstotickletheirfunnybones.Findafewbonmotstocasuallyslideoffyour tongue on chosen occasions. If youwant to be notable, dream up acrazyquotable.Make’emrhyme,make’emclever,ormake’emfunny.Aboveall,make
’emrelevant.
Bigwinnerscallitlikeitis
If you stepped into a lift full of people speaking Hungarian, you might notrecognize theywereHungarianunlessyouspoke their language.However, theminuteyouopenedyourmouth,they’drecognizeyou’renotHungarian.It’sthesamewiththeBigCats.Ifyouoverhearseveralofthemspeaking,you
might not recognize they’re Big Cats. However, the minute you opened yourmouththey’drecognizeyou’renotaBigCat,unlessyouspoketheirlingo.What are some differences between a Big Cat’s growl and a little cat’s
insignificanthiss?Oneofthemostblatantiseuphemisms.BigCatsaren’tafraidof real words. They call a spade a spade.Words like toilet paper don’t scarethem.Littlecatshidebehindbathroomtissue.Ifsomebodyisrich,BigCatscallitrich.Littlecats,ohsoembarrassedat theconceptof talkingaboutmoney inpolite company, substitute the wordwealthy.When little cats use a substitutewordoreuphemism,theymightaswellbesaying,‘Whoops,youarebetterthanIam.I’minpolitecompanynowandsoI’llusethenicey-niceword.’BigCatsareanatomicallycorrect–nocutesywords forbodyparts.They’ll
say breasts when they mean breasts. When they say knockers, they meandecorative structures that hangon the front door.And family jewels are in thesafeonthewall.IfaBigCatiseverindoubtaboutaword,heorshesimplyresortstoFrench.
If theyfeel thewordbuttocks isdebatable,derrierewilldoquitenicely, thankyou.
Technique32:
Callaspadeaspade
Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesn’tmeanBigCatsusetastelessfour-letterwordswhenperfectlydecentfiveandsix-letter ones exist. They’ve simply learned the Queen’s English, and theyspeakit.
Here’sanotherwaytotelltheBigPlayersfromthelittleonesjustbylisteningtoafewminutesoftheirconversation.
Anotherdeadgiveaway
Once I was at a small dinner party given by the president of an advertisingagency,Louis,andhiswife,Lillian.Theeveningstartedwithcocktails,followedby a gourmet meal accompanied by a selection of excellent wines. Theconversationhadbeenconvivial, thecuisinedelicious,and thewinevery fine.Andveryplentiful.Attheendoftheevening,Louisraisedhisglasstomakeatoast.Afewwinedropletssloshedoutofhisglassontothetablecloth.A pretty youngwomanwhowas the date of a new art director namedBob
giggledandsaid,‘Icantellyou’refeelingnopain.’Shockwaveswentaroundthetable.Everyonefroze.Thehostwasindeedabit
inebriated.However,alludingtoLouisbeingalittlelooped,eveninjest,wasasthoughthewomanhadsuddenlysmashedthecrystalchandelierabovethetablewithherdinnerplate.Oneguestquicklycoveredthegirl’shorrifyinggaffebyliftingherglassand
saying‘Noneofusare.NooneinthecompanyofLouisandLilliancouldeverfeelanypain.Here’stoatrulywonderfulevening.’Louisthencontinuedwithhistoasttothewonderfulcompany,andnoonewas
feelingpainanylonger.ExceptBob.Heknewhisdate’sinnocentteasingwasablackmark,ifnotinhispersonnelfile,onhispersonalfile.The next sure sign of little cathood is teasing.Little cats go around patting
theirfriends’paunchesandsaying,‘Enjoyingthatcheesecake,huh?’Orlookingattheirbaldingheadsandsaying,‘Hey,hairtoday,gonetomorrow,huh?’Theythinkit’shilarioustomakeaquipatsomeoneelse’sexpenseandsay‘Youdon’thaveaninferioritycomplex.Youareinferior!Hardyharhar.’
Technique33:
TrashtheteasingAdeadgiveawayofalittlecatishisorherproclivitytotease.Aninnocentjoke at someone else’s expensemayget you a cheap laugh.Nevertheless,theBigCatswillhavethelastone.Becauseyou’llbangyourheadagainstthe glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on theirpaws.Never,ever,makeajokeatanyoneelse’sexpense.You’llwinduppaying
forit,dearly.
Keepyoureyeonwho’scatchingtheball
InancientEgypt,thepharaohtreatedthehumblestmessagerunnerlikeaprincewhen he arrived at the palace, if he brought good news. However, if theexhausted runner had the misfortune to bring the pharaoh unhappy news, hisheadwaschoppedoff.Shades of that spirit pervade today’s conversations. Once a friend and I
packedupsomepeanutbutterandjellysandwichesforanouting.Aswewaltzedhappilyout thedoor,picnicbasket inhand,asmilingneighbour,rockingawayonhisporch,lookedupattheskyandsaid,‘Ohboy,baddayforapicnic.Thenewscastsaysit’sgoingtorain.’Iwantedtorubhisfaceinmypeanut-butterandjellysandwich.Notforhisgloomyweatherreport,forhissmile.SeveralmonthsagoIwasracingtocatchabus.AsIbreathlesslyshovedmy
handfulofcashacrosstheGreyhoundcounter,thegrinningsalesagentgushed,‘Ohthatbusleftfiveminutesago.’Dreamsofdecapitation!It’s not thenews thatmakes someone angry. It’s the unsympathetic attitude
withwhichit’sdelivered.Everyonemustgivebadnewsfromtimetotime,andwinningprofessionalsdoitwiththeproperattitude.Adoctoradvisingapatientsheneedsanoperationdoesitwithcompassion.Abossinforminganemployeehe didn’t get the job takes on a sympathetic demeanor. Grief counsellors atairports after fatal crashes share the grief-stricken sentiment of relatives. BigWinnersknow,whendeliveringanybadnews,theyshouldsharethesentimentofthereceiver.Unfortunately, many people are not aware of this sensitivity. When you’re
weary from a long flight, has a hotel clerk cheerfully chirped that your roomisn’treadyyet?Whenyouhadyourheartsetontheroastbeef,hasyourwaitermerrilywarbledthathejustservedthelastpiece?Whenyouneededcashfortheweekend,hasyourbanktellergleefullytoldyouyouraccountisoverdrawn?It
makes you as traveller, diner, or depositorwant to put your fist right throughtheirinsensitivegrins.Had my neighbour told me of the impending rainstorm with sympathy, I
would have appreciated his warning. Had the Greyhound salesclerksympathetically informed me that my bus had already left, I probably wouldhavesaid,‘Oh,that’sallright.I’llcatchthenextone.’BigWinners,whentheybear bad news, deliver bombswith the emotion the bombarded person is suretohave.
Technique34:
It’sthereceiver’sballAfootballplayerwouldn’tlasttwobeatsofthetimeclockifhemadeblindpasses.Aprothrowstheballwiththereceiveralwaysinmind.Beforethrowingoutanynews,keepyourreceiverinmind.Thendeliver
itwith a smile, a sigh,or a sob.Not according tohowyou feel about thenews,buthowthereceiverwilltakeit.
BigWinnersknowhowtogivebadnewstopeople.Theyalsoknowhownottogiveanynewstoanyone,evenwhenpeoplearepressuringthem.Let’sexplorethatnext.
Whenyoudon’twanttoanswer(andwishthey’dshuttheheckup)
Oneofmyclients,aministar inthefurniturebusiness,recentlyseparatedfromher husband and business partner, a megastar in the furniture business. Theysuffered a long andmessy divorce that resulted in them keeping the businessjointly,butnothavingtodealwitheachother.Soon after the divorce, I was at an industry convention with my client,
Barbara. Since she and her husband Frankwere both beloved in the industry,peoplewerecuriouswhathadhappenedandhowitaffectedtheircompany.But,ofcourse,noonedaredaskoutright.AndBarbarawasofferingnoexplanations.IwasseatednexttoBarbaraatthegalafarewelldinner.Apparentlyoneofher
colleaguesatthetablecouldn’tcontainhercuriosityanylonger.Duringdessert,she leaned over to Barbara and in a hushed voice asked, ‘Barbara, whathappenedwithyouandFrank?’Barbara,unruffledbytherudequestion,simplytookaspoonfulofhercherries
jubileeandsaid,‘We’veseparated,butthecompanyisunaffected.’Not satisfied with that answer, the woman pumped harder. ‘Are you still
workingtogether?’Barbara took another bite of her dessert and repeated in precisely the same
toneofvoice,‘We’veseparated,butthecompanyisunaffected.’Thefrustratedinterrogatorwasnotgoingtogiveupeasily.‘Areyoubothstill
workinginthecompany?’Barbara, appearing not the least disturbed by the woman’s incontinent
insistence,scoopedthelastcherryoutofherdish,smiled,lookeddirectlyather,and said in the identical tone of voice, ‘We’ve separated, but the company isunaffected.’
That shut her up.Barbara had shown herBigWinner’s badge by using theBrokenRecordtechnique,themosteffectivewaytocurtailanunwelcomecross-examination.
Technique35:
ThebrokenrecordWhenever someone persists in questioning you on an unwelcome subject,simply repeat your original response. Use precisely the same words inpreciselythesametoneofvoice.Hearingitagainusuallyquietsthemdown.If your rude interrogatorhangson like a leech,yournext repetitionneverfailstoflickthemoff.
Howbigplayershandleacelebrity
Supposeyou’ve justsettled infordinneratanicerestaurant.Youlookoveratthenext table, andwhodoyou see? Is it really he?Could it possiblybe? It’sgottabea look-alike.No, it isn’t! It really is…WoodyAllen. (Substituteanycelebrityhere:yourfavouritemoviestar,politician,broadcaster,bosswhoownsthecompanythatownsthecompanyyouworkfor.)Andtherethecelestialbodyisintheflesh,sittingnottenfeetfromyou.Whatshouldyoudo?Nothing!Letthestarenjoyabriefmomentofanonymity.Ifheorsheshould
castaglanceinyourdirection,giveasmileandanod.Thenwaftyourgazebacktoyourdiningcompanion.Youwill bea lot cooler in the eyesofyourdinnerpartnerifyoutakeitallinyourstride.Now, if you just can’t resist this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to press the
fleshoftheMegastarandtellhimorherofyouradmiration,here’showtodoitwithgrace.Waituntilyouor the luminaryare leaving therestaurant.After thechequehasbeenpaidandyouwillobviouslynotbe takingmuchofhisorhertime,youmaymakeyourapproach.Saysomethinglike,‘MrAllen,Ijustwantto tell you howmuch pleasure your wonderful films have givenme over theyears.Thankyousomuch.’Didyoupickupthesubtletyhere?Youarenotcomplimentinghiswork.‘After
all,’ he might well ask himself, ‘who are you to judge whether I am a greatfilmmakerornot?’Youcanonlyspeakfromyourownperspective.Youdothisbytellinghimhowmuchpleasurehisworkhasgivenyou.Ifit’syourboss’sboss’sboss’sbosswhomthefateshavesenttobaskinyour
adulation, do the same.Donot say ‘Bill’ or ‘MrGates, you really run agreatcompany.’‘Lowly geek,’ he thinks, ‘who are you to judge?’ Instead, tell himwhat an
honour it is to work for him. Obviously this is not the moment to detail the
intricacies of your improvements on image-editing software for digitizingphotographs.ThenletyourbodylanguageexpressthatifWoodyorBillorotherMegastar
wantstoleaveitatthat,youarehappywiththeexchange.If,however,Megastaris captivated by you (or has had somuch liquidmerriment that he or she hasdecidedtominglewiththemassestonight),thenallbetsareoff.You’reonyourown.Enjoy!Untilyoupickupthefirstbody-languagesignthattheywouldliketo end it. Think of yourself as a ballroom dance student waltzing with yourteacher.Heleads,youfollow.Andhetellsyouwhenthewaltzisover.Incidentally,ifMegastariswithacompanionandyourconversationgoeson
formore thana fewmoments,direct somecommentsat thecompanion. If thesatellite is insuchstellarcompany,heorsheisprobablyalsoanaccomplishedperson.Felicia,a friendofmine, isa talented trial lawyerwho ismarried toa local
TV-show host. Because Tom is on television, people recognize himwherevertheygo,andFeliciagetsignored.Feliciatellsmehowfrustratingitis,evenforTom. Whenever they go to a party, people gush all over Tom, and Felicia’sfascinatingworkhardlyevergetsmentioned.SheandTomused to lovegoingouttodinner,butnowtheyhideoutathomeintheevenings.Why?Becausetheycan’tstandtheinterruptionsofoverlyeffervescentfans.
‘Ilovewhatyouusedtobe(youhas-been)’
Another sensitivity: the film star is probably obsessed with his last film, thepolitician with her last election, a corporate mogul with his last takeover, anauthor with her last novel – and so forth. So when discussing the star’s, thepolitician’s, the mogul’s, the author’s, or any VIP’s work, try to keep yourcommentstocurrentorrecentwork.TellingWoodyAllenhowmuchyoulovedhis1980filmStardustMemorieswouldnotendearyoutohim.‘Whataboutallmywonderfulfilmssince?’thinkshe.Sticktothepresentorveryrecentpastifpossible.
Technique36:
Bigshotsdon’tslobberPeoplewhoareVIPsintheirownrightdon’tslobberovercelebrities.Whenyou are chatting with one, don’t compliment her work, simply say how
muchpleasureorinsightit’sgivenyou.Ifyoudosingleoutanyoneofthestar’s accomplishments,make sure it’s a recent one, not amemory that’sgettingyellowinherscrapbook.IftheQueenBeehasadronesittingwithher,findawaytoinvolvehimin
theconversation.Afinalcelebritycodicil:Supposeyouarefortunateenoughtohaveoneatyourparty.Toshinesomestarlightonyourparty,don’tasktheTVhostto‘sayafewwords.’Don’taskthesingertosingasong.Whatlookseffortlesstotherestofusbecausetheyseemsocomfortableperforming, iswork for them.Youwouldn’taskanaccountantguesttolookoveryourbooks.Oradentisttocheckoutyourthirdleftmolar.Letthedignitarydrink.Lettheluminarylaugh.Celebritiesarepeople,too,andtheyliketheirtimeoff.
Thefinaltouch
TowrapupoursectiononsoundingliketheBigBoysandGirls,hereisasimpleand gracious little manoeuvre. It not only signals people you’re a TopCommunicator, it encourages them to keep doing nice things for you. Orcomplimentingyou.Ordoingbusinesswithyou.Orlovingyou.Itisveryshort.It is very sweet. It is very simple.You can use it with everyone in your life.Whenitbecomesinstinctive,you’llfindyourselfusingiteveryday.Very simply, never let the word thank you stand naked and alone. Always
makeitthankyouforsomething.Peopleusethebareexposedthankyousooftenthatpeopledon’tevenhear itanymore.Whenwebuythemorningnewspaper,weflashanakedthankyouatthevendorwhenhegivesusournickel’schange.Isthatthesamethankyouyouwanttogiveavaluedcustomerwhomakesabigpurchaseinyourstore?Oralovedonewhocooksyouadeliciousdinner?Whenevertheoccasionwarrantsmorethananunconsciousacknowledgment,
dressupyourthankyouwiththereason:
Thankyouforcoming.Thankyouforbeingsounderstanding.Thankyouforwaiting.Thankyouforbeingsuchagoodcustomer.Thankyouforbeingsoloving.
Often,whenI leaveanairplane, thecaptainandfirstofficerarestandingbythe cockpit door to bid the passengers farewell. I say, ‘Thanks for getting ushere.’Admittedly,that’scarryingNevertheNakedThankYoutoextremes,butit
hasasurprisingeffect.Theyfallalloverthemselveswith‘Oh,thanksforflyingwithus!’
Technique37:
NeverthenakedthankyouNever let thewords thankyou standalone.FromA toZ,always follow itwithfor:from‘Thankyouforasking’to‘Thankyouforzippingmeup.’
ThankyouforreadingthissectionofHowtoTalktoAnyone!Nowletusmoveontoanotherconversationchallenge,howtotalkknowledgeablywitheveryone–fromgroupsofaccountantstoZenBuddhists–nomatterhowlittleyoumighthaveincommon.
Hasiteverhappenedtoyou?Everyoneat thepartyisspeakinggobbledygook.They’realldiscussingfaultyaudits,codeconstraints,orthelibrarymarket–andyouhavenoideawhatthey’retalkingabout.It’sbecauseeverybodyatthepartyisanaccountant,anarchitect,orapublisher–andyou’renot.Soyoustandtherewithapastysmileonyourfacenotopeningyourmouth.If
youdo,youfearthewrongthingwillcomeout.Paranoiasetsin.Everybodywillsnickeratyou.You’reanoutsider.Soyousufferinsilence.In high school I suffered a massive Silent Outsider Syndrome, especially
aroundmales.Alltheywantedtotalkaboutwascars.Iknewnothingaboutcars.TheonlytimeI’deversetfootina‘bodyshop’wastogetasuntan.Well,onefatefulday,Mumcamehomewithagiftformethattransformedmy
teenageexistencefromshy tosociable. Itwasabookonall thecurrentmodelcarsandtheirdifferencesoverandunder thehood.Onereading,andIbecamefluent in Fords, Chevys, and Buicks. I no longer hyperventilated when boyssaidwords likecarburretor,alternator,camshaft, orexhaustmanifold. I didn’tneedtolearnalot,justenoughtoasktherightquestionstogettheguystalking.WhenI’dlearnedtospeak‘car’withtheboys,itworkedwondersformysociallife.Cuttotoday.Wegrown-upboysandgirlsalsohaveourfavouritetopicswhich
usually involveourworkorourhobbies.Whenwe’rewithpeople inourownfield or who share interests, we open up like small-town gossips. (Evenengineerswhohaveaconstantcaseofcat-got-their-tonguestartgabbingabout
greasy turbines and various projects when they’re together.) To outsiders, ourconversationsoundslikegobbledygook.Butweknowpreciselywhatit’sabout.It’sourownjobbeldygookorhobbydygook.Youfearyou’llfindyourselfinapartyofsquashplayerswhenyou’rethetype
ofpersonwho’dratherbeincourtthanoncourt?Don’tpanichearingwordslikelobbingandhittingrailsrolloffthesquashplayers’tongues.Sowhatiftheonlyexperienceyou’veeverhadwithsquashwasthemashedacornvarietyonyourplatenext to the turkey lastThanksgiving.Allyouneed is the few techniquesthatfollow.Justasanglersthrowoutadragonflytogetthefishtobite,allyouhavetodo
isthrowouttherightquestionstogetpeopletoopenup.DaleCarnegie’sadage,‘show sincere interest and people will talk,’ only goes so far. As they say inpoker, ‘it takes jacks or better to open.’And in conversation, it takes cursoryknowledge or better about their field to get them to really open up.Youmusthaveknowledgeablecuriosity,thekindthatmakesyousoundlikeyou’reworthtalkingto.Inthissection,weexploretechniques thatare‘OpenSesames’ togetpeople
gabbingwithyoulikeaninsider.
Tobeamodern-dayrenaissancemanorwoman
Wheneverfriendsvisitmyhometown,NewYorkCity,Iwarnthem‘Neveraskanyoneridinginthesubwayfordirections.’‘BecauseI’llgetmugged?’theyfearfullyask.‘No, just because you’ll never get where you’re going!’ Most Big Apple
subwayridersknowonly two thingsabout thesubway:where theygetonandwheretheygetoff.Theyknownothingabouttherestofthesystem.Mostpeopleare likeNYC strap-hangerswhen it comes to their hobbies and interests. Theyknowtheirownpastimes,butalltheothersarelikeunvisitedstations.My unmarried (and wishing she weren’t) friend Rita has a bad case of
bowler’s thumb. Every Wednesday night she’s bowling up a storm with herfriends.She is foreverdiscussingherscores,heraverages,andherhighgame.Anothersingleandsearchingfriend,Walter,isintowhite-waterrafting.Hetalksendlesslywithhispaddlingfriendsaboutwhichrivershe’srun,whichoutfittershe’s gone with, and which class rapids he prefers. Thinking my two singlefriendsmighthit itoff, I introducedWalter thepaddler toRita thebowlerandmentionedtheirrespectivepassions.‘Ohyou’reabowler!’saidWalter.‘Yes,’Ritasmileddemurely,awaitingmorequestionsaboutherbigbowling
turn-on.Walterwassilent.Maskingher disappointment,Rita said, ‘Uh,Leil tellsmeyou’re intowater
rafting.’ Walter smiled proudly, awaiting further friendly interrogation onpaddling.‘Uh,thatmustbeexciting.Isn’titdangerous?’wasthebestRitacoulddo.‘No, it’s not dangerous,’ Walter patronizingly responded to her typical
outsider’squestion.Thentheconversationdied.
During the deafening silence, I remember thinking, ifRita had run justoneriver, ifWalter had bowled justone game, their livesmight be different now.Conversation could have flowed, and who knows what else might haveflowered.
Goflyakite!
The Scramble Therapy technique is salvation from such disappointingencounters.Itwilltransformyouintoamodern-dayRenaissancemanorwomanwhocomfortablycandiscussavarietyofinterests.ScrambleTherapy is,quitesimply,scramblingupyour lifeandparticipating
in an activity you’d never think of indulging in. Just one out of every fourweekends,dosomethingtotallyoutofyourpattern.Doyouusuallyplaytennison weekends? This weekend, go hiking. Do you usually go hiking? Thisweekend, take a tennis lesson.Do you bowl? Leave that to your buddies thistime. Instead,gowhite-water rafting.Oh,youwereplanningon running somerapidslikeyoudoeverywarmweekend?Forgetit,gobowling.Go to a stamp exhibition. Go to a chess lecture. Go ballooning. Go bird
watching.Gotoapoolhall.Gokayaking.Goflyakite!Why?Becauseitwillgiveyouconversationalfodder fortherestofyourlife.Fromthatweekendon,you’ll sound like an insider with all the hikers, stamp collectors, ballooners,birders,billiardsplayers,kayakers,andkitistsyouevermeet.Justbydoingtheiractivityonce.Ifyoutakeapieceofbluelitmuspaperanddipitinahugevatofacid,thetip
turns pink. If you take another blue litmus paper and dip it into just oneminusculedropofacidonaglassslide,thetipturnsjustaspink.Comparethistoparticipatinginanactivityjustonetime.Asamplinggivesyou80percentoftheconversationalvalue.Youlearntheinsider’squestionstoask.Youstartusingtheright terms.You’llneverbeata lossagainwhen thesubjectofextracurricularinterestscomesup–whichitalwaysdoes.
Doyouspeakscuba?
I’mnotacertifiedscubadiver.However,sixyearsagoinBermudaIsawasign:‘Resort Dives, $25, no Scuba experience necessary.’ In just three hours, Ireceivedthebestcrashcourseintalkingwithscubadiverstheworldoffers.
First I was given a quick lesson in the pool. Then, struggling to stay erectunder the weight of my oxygen tank, regulator, buoyancy compensator, andweightbelt, Iwentclumpingout to thediveboat.Sitting thereon the rockingdinghy, fondlingmymask and fins likeworrybeads, I overheard the certifieddiversaskingeachotherinsiderquestions:
‘Wherewereyoucertified?’‘Wherehaveyoudived?’‘Doyoupreferwrecksorreefs?’‘Everdoneanynightdiving?’‘Areyouintounderwaterphotography?’‘Doyoudiveonacomputer?’‘What’syourlongestbottomtime?’‘Didyouevergetthebends?’
Whytheitalicizedwords?Thosearescubalingo.Inowspeakscuba.Tothisday,whenever Imeetdivers, Ihave the rightquestions toask, and subjects todiscuss.Andtherightonestoavoid.(LikehowmuchIlikeseafood.That’sliketellingacat loverhowmuchyou love tenderbarbecuedkitten.) Icannowaskmy new friends which of the scuba hot spots they’ve been to – Cozumel,Cayman,Cancun.Then,ifIwanttoreallyshowoff,Iaskifthey’vebeentoTrukLagoonintheFarPacific,theGreatBarrierReefinAustralia,ortheRedSea.All the insider terms now roll comfortably off my tongue. Before my
Scramble Therapy experience I’d be calling their beloved wrecks and reefs‘sunken ships’ and ‘coral.’ Understandable words, but not scuba words. Notinsiderwords.Uponmeetingascubadiver, Iprobablywouldhaveasked, ‘Ohscubadiving.Thatmustbe interesting.Uh,aren’tyouafraidofsharks?’Notagoodwaytogetoffontherightfinwithadiver.
Technique38:
ScrambletherapyOnce a month, scramble your life. Do something you’d never dream ofdoing.Participateinasport,gotoanexhibition,hearalectureonsomethingtotally out of your experience.You get 80 per cent of the right lingo andinsiderquestionsfromjustoneexposure.
Thinkaboutit!Supposeatadinnerparty,thetableconversationturnstoscubadiving. If you, too, had done your one-time-only dive, you’d ask your divingdinner companion if he likes night diving, or whether he prefers diving onwrecks or reefs. (He’ll never believe it when you tell him the deepest wateryou’veeversubmergedyourselfinisyourownbathtub.)Thenyouturntothebungeejumperseatedonyourleftandaskhim,‘Doyou
prefer chest-waist jumps or ankle jumps?’ If the conversation then changes totennis,ormartial arts,or chess,or coincollecting,or evenbirdwatching,youcankeepupandkeeptheconversationgoing.Whataguy!Whatagal!
Survivingbafflegab
Even more insidious than hobby-talk is job-speak, or Gobbledygook. I stillharboursocialnightmaresoftheeveningIattendedapartythrownbyacouplewho worked in computer database management. As I walked in the door, Ioverheardonechapsaying toanother, ‘When thedomain relationalcalculus isrestrictedtosafeexpressions,it’sequivalenttotheturplerelational…’That’sallIstayedaroundfor.IknewIwasn’tgoingtounderstandonebitor
byteofconversationtherestoftheevening.Itmademelongforthedayswhenamousemeant the furry little fellowwho loves cheese,windows were the kindyou bought drapes for, and theweb was something spiders trapped flies in. Iknew I was going to need some technical support if I was going to becompatiblewiththiscrowd.I decided then and there to learn some of the opening questions database
management typesaskeachother.Which Idid.NowIcan’twait forasecondchanceatthatcrowdbecauseI’marmedwithquestionslike‘Whatraidlevelareyouusing?’and‘Whatdatawarehousingproductdoyouuse?’Allyouneedareafewinsideropeningquestionstogetyoustartedwithany
group.Youaskquestions,listentotheresponses,andindulgeinelementaryon-target conversation with them for a moment or two about their field. (Thenchange thesubjectASAP!Youdon’twant to fakeyouaremoreknowledgeableabouttheirfieldthanyoureallyare.)
It’sallintheopeningquestion
A tennis player can tell immediately from just appraising your opening servehowgoodaplayeryouare. Is it going tobegreatplayingwithyou,or a realbore? It’s the same in communicating. Just from your verbal opening serve,someoneknowsifit’sgoingtobeinterestingtalkingwithyouabouttheirlifeorinterests–ordull,dull,dull.Forexample, suppose I’m introduced to someoneand the firstwordsoutof
her mouth are, ‘Oh, you’re a writer. When are you going to write the greatAmerican novel?’Yikes, I know I’m talkingwith someonewho is unfamiliarwithmyworld.We’ll chat, but I prefer to change the subject. And soon,myConversationPartner.If, however,my new acquaintance says, ‘Oh you’re awriter. Do youwrite
fictionornonfiction?’Bingo!NowIknowI’mwithapersonwhoknowsaboutmyworld.Why?Because that is thefirstquestionallwritersaskeachother. IenjoytalkingtothisinquisitorbecauseIpresumeshehasmoreinsightsintothewritingworld.Even ifwequicklygetoff thesubjectofwriting,shehascomeacrossasawell-informedindividual.Every job, every sport, every interest has insider opening questions that
everybody in the same field asks – and it’s dumboutsider questions that theyneveraskeachother.Whenanastronautmeetsanotherastronaut,heasks,‘Whatmissionshaveyoubeenon?’(Never‘Howdoyougotothebathroomupthere?’)A dentist asks another dentist, ‘Are you in general practice or do you have aspecialty?’(Never‘Heardanygoodpainjokeslately?’)Thegoodnewsis,beginningGobbledygookisaneasylanguage.There’sno
needtomasterbuzzwords,onlyafewopeningquestionstomakeyousoundlikeaninsider.Then,here’sthefunpart,whenyoutellthemyou’renotconnectedtotheirfield,they’reallthemoreimpressed.‘Whataknowledgeableperson!’theysaytothemselves.
‘Help!Everybodytherewillbeanartist.’
It’snothard toharvestgoodJobbledygook.Let’s sayyou’vebeen invited toagalleryopeningwhereyou’llbemeetingmanyartists.Ifyoudon’tspeakartist,gothroughyourRolodextoseeifyouhaveanartistfriendortwo.Aha,youfoundone.Well,sortof.YourfriendSallyattendedartschool.You
callherupandask,‘Sally,IknowthissoundssillybutI’vebeeninvitedtoaneventwhereI’mboundtobetalkingwithalotofartists.Couldyougivemea
fewgoodquestionstoask?’Sallymightfindyourqueryatadunusual,butyourdiligenceshouldimpressher.Maybeshe’llsay,‘Well,askartistswhatmediumtheyworkin.’‘Medium?’youask.‘Sure,’ she’ll tell you. ‘That’s the insider’s way to ask if they work with
acrylics,oil,charcoal,pen,etc.’‘Oh.’‘Don’t ask artists to describe their work,’ she warns. ‘They feel theirs is a
visualmediumthatcan’tbedescribed.’‘Oh.’‘Anddon’taskthemiftheirworkisinagallery.’‘Oh?’‘Thatcouldbea sorepoint. Insteadask“Is thereanyplace Imight seeyour
work?”They’ll love thatbecause, even if they’renot representedbyagallery,theycaninviteyoutotheirstudiotopossiblybuytheirwork.’
Technique39:
LearnalittleGobbledygookBig Winners speak Gobbledygook as a second language. What isGobbledygook?It’sthelanguageofotherprofessions.Whyspeakit?Itmakesyousoundlikeaninsider.How do you learn it? You’ll find no Gobbledygook cassettes in the
languagesectionofyourbookstore,butthelingoiseasytopickup.Simplyaskafriendwhospeaksthelingoofthecrowdyou’llbewithtoteachyouafewopeningquestions.Thewordsarefewandtherewardsaremanifold.
That’s all you need to get started – two good opening art questions and awarningagainstthemost-askeddumboutsiderquestion.Let’ssayyou’vegivenagreatopeningservewiththerightquestionontheir
job. You’ve slammed a swift ball dead centre into their conversational court.Happily, thinking they’rewith anaceplayer, theyansweryourquestion.Thentheyputalittlespinontheballandsenditlobbingrightbackintoyourcourtandit’stimeforafollow-upquestion.Whoops,whattodonow?
Ifyoudon’twanttocomeoutofthebluffer’sclosetjustyet,youmustmasterthenexttechnique,BaringTheirHotButton.
Elementarydoc-talk
I have a friend, John, a physician,who recentlymarried a charming Japanesewoman,Yamika.Johntoldmethefirsttimetheywereinvitedtoapartytomeetmanyof John’s colleagues,Yamikawaspanic-stricken.Shewanted tomake agoodimpression,yetshewastenseabouttalkingtoAmericandoctors.Johnwastheonlyoneshe’devermet,andduringtheirromancetheydidn’tspendawholelotoftimediscussingmedicine.Johntoldher,‘Don’tworryaboutit,Yami.Theyallaskeachotherthesame
oldquestions.Whenyoumeetthem,justask,“What’syourspecialty”and“Areyouaffiliatedwithahospital?”’‘Then, to get into deeper conversation,’ he continued, ‘throw out questions
like “How’s your relationship with your hospital?” or “How’s the currentmedicalenvironmentaffectingyou?”Thesearehotissueswithdoctorsbecauseeverything’schanginginhealthcare.’JohnsaidYamikadeliveredthelinesverbatim.Shecirculatedthepartyasking
the various doctors’ specialties and inquiring about their affiliations andrelationshipswiththeirhospitals.Asaresult,shewasthehitoftheparty.Manyof John’scolleagues later congratulatedhimonhaving found suchacharmingandinsightfulwoman.
Gettingtherealgrabber
It’snotjustdoctors.Everyprofessionhasconcerns thatareall thebuzzwithintheindustry.Therestoftheworld,however,knowslittleaboutthesefixations.For example, independent booksellers constantly complain that big superstorechainsaretakingovertheindustry.Accountantslieawakenightsworryingabout
liability insurance for faulty audits. Oh, us writers, too. We’re alwaysbellyachingaboutmagazinesnotpayingusforelectronicrightstoourpreciouswords.Supposesomehaplesssoulwereunluckyenoughtofindhimselfinapartyof
writers. Making conversation with these folks (who seldom know what theythinkuntiltheyseewhattheysay)isnoeasytaskforonewhoisaccustomedtocommunicatinginthespokenword.However, ifbeforethepartythenonwriterhadcalledjustonewriteracquaintanceandaskedabouttheburningissues,he’dhavehadhotconversationwiththewordsmithsallevening.IcallthetechniqueBaringTheirHotButton.
Technique40:
BaringtheirhotbuttonBefore jumpingblindly into abevyofbookbindersor adroveofdentists,findoutwhat thehot issuesare in their fields.Every industryhasburningconcerns theoutsideworldknows littleabout.Askyour informant tobaretheindustrybuzz.Then,toheattheconversationup,pushthosebuttons.
Back to the art show you’re about to attend.You can’t let Sally hang up yet.She’sgivenyouthetwobestopeningquestionsforartists.Butdon’tlethergountilyougettherealconversationalgrabber.Askherthehottestissuesgoingonintheartworld.Shemightthinkaminuteandthensay,‘Well,there’salwaysartprices.’‘Artprices?’youask.‘Yes,’sheexplains.‘Forexample,inthe1980stheartworldwasverymarket-
driven. Prices went sky high because some investors and status seekers paidexorbitantamounts.Wefeelthatkindoftookartawayfromthemasses.’Wow,nowyou’rereallyarmedwithsomegoodinsiderarttalk!
Seeyouatthebigone!
While you’re at it, don’t forget to grill your informant for special insidergreetings tousewhenyou’rewith their gang.For example, actresses cringe ifthey hear ‘good luck’ before a show, but they smile at well-wishers who say‘Breakaleg!’
‘Break a leg,’ however, is not appropriate for runners before a marathon.That’sthelastthoughttheywanttohave!Theonlythingtheywanttobreakistheirpersonalrecord.Try‘Haveapersonalbest!’Firefighterswhoworkonshiftseldomseeeachotherexcept,ofcourse,atthe
biggestblazes.Thusthefirefighters’greeting‘Seeyaatthebigone!’Once, driving in a sleepy town you have to work at getting lost in, I
succeeded.Iwashopelesslyturnedaround.Happily,Ispottedthefirehouseandacoupleofboredfirefightersloungingoutfront.‘Excuse me, can you tell me the way back to Route 50?’ I called out the
window.IcouldtellfromtheirattitudetheythoughtIwasanidiot.Nevertheless,theylethargicallypointedmeintherightdirection.AsIdroveoff,Icalledout,‘Thanksguys,seeyaat thebigone!’IntherearviewmirrorIsawhugesmilesbreakout on their faces as they stoodup in unison andwavedgood-bye.Thedisoriented dizzy blond driving off had won their respect with their insidersalute.
Extra!Extra!Learnevenmoreabouttheirlives
Let’ssayyourpapercarrierhasjusthurledthenewspaperfromhisbiketoyourfrontdoor.Youpouracupofcoffeeandgetcomfortabletocatchuponwhat’shappeningintheworld.Yourworld,thatis.Doyouflipfirsttotheinternationalnews?Thefashionsection?Thesportspage?Theentertainmentsection?Maybethecomics?Whichever section you usually flip to first, tomorrowDON’T. Turn to any
other section, preferably one you hardly ever read. Why? Because it willfamiliarize youwith otherworlds so that you can soon discuss anythingwithanybody,nomatterhowlittleyouhaveincommon.How about the real estate section?Yawn.Maybe you don’t find real estate
especially engrossing. However, sooner or later you’re going to find yourselfwithagroupofpeoplewhoarediscussingproperties,deals,andtoday’smarket.Scanning the real estate section just once every few weeks will keep you aucourantwiththeirconversation.Theadvertisingcolumn?Maybeyouthinktheworldwouldbeafarfarbetter
placewithoutMadisonAvenue.Butyourbottomlinewon’tbebetteroffifyoucan’tholdyourowndiscussingmatterswiththemarketingexecutiveyou’vejustcontracted to advertise your company’s widgets. Just a few peeks at theadvertising news section and you’ll soon be chatting about campaigns andcreativepeople,anddoingprintorTV.Insteadofsayingwords,you’llbesayingcopy.Insteadoftheagency,you’llbebandyingaboutrealinsidertermsliketheshop.Usingoutsiderwordsisoneofthebiggestgiveawaysthatyouarenotinthe
know.On the ship, if apassengeraskedanyofmystaff, ‘How longhaveyoubeen working on the boat?’ they’d squelch a groan. Cruise staffers proudlyworkedonaship,andthewordboatrevealedthepassengerasareallandlubber.
The right word can perform conversational miracles. In the receiving line,wheneverpassengersaskedour laconiccaptain, ‘Whendidyou firstbecomeamaster?’or‘Whatwasyourfirstcommand?’hewouldholduptheentirelineofpeoplesnakingaroundtheballroomwaitingtoshakehishand.CaptainCafierowouldenthusiasticallyrecounthisnavalhistorytothesavvyinquirerwhomighthave just learned the wordsmaster or command last week in the newspapershippingnotices.(Ifthepassengerhadsimplysaid,‘Howlonghaveyoubeenacaptain?’or‘Whatwasyourfirstboat?’heorshewouldhavegotthecaptain’susualItaliangentleman’sversionofthebum’srush.)Soon you’ll become addicted to the high that establishing rapport with so
many people gives you. All it takes is reading different sections of thenewspaper.
Pumptheirpulpforevenmorefuel
Then,whenyoucraveabiggerhitofinsiderlingo,startreadingtradejournals.Those are the closed-circulation magazines that go to members of variousindustries.Askyourfriendsindifferentjobstolendyouonesoyou’llhaveevenmorefuelfortheconversationalfire.All industries have one or two. You’ll see big glossy ragswith names like
AutomotiveNews,RestaurantBusiness,PoolandSpaNews,TruckingIndustry,and evenHogs Today for people in the pig business. (Excuse me, they callthemselvesswinepractitioners.Hey,youneverknowwhen, tomakeyournextbigsale,itwillhelptospeakpig.)Anyoneissuewillgiveyouasampleoftheirlingoandinformyouofthehottestissuesinthatfield.When itcomes topeople’shobbiesand interests,browse throughmagazines
onrunning,workingout,bicycling,skiing,swimming,surfing.Largemagazinestorescarrybikerrags,boxerrags,bowlerrags,evenbull-ridingrags.You’llfindthousandsofspecial-interestmagazinespublishedeverymonth.Severalyearsago,Igothookedonbuyingadifferentoneeachweek.Itpaid
offquicklywhenapotentialconsultingclientinvitedmetodinneratherhome.Shehadabeautifulgardenand,thankstoFlowerandGardenMagazine,Icouldthrowoutinsidertermslikeornamentals,annuals,andperennials.Icouldevenkeepupwhenthediscussionturnedtotheadvantagesofgrowingfromseedsorbulbs.BecauseIwassofluentinflower,sheinvitedmetotakealongerwalkwith
her to see her private back gardens. As we strolled, I gradually changed the
subject from chrysanthemums to the consulting work I could do for hercompany.Whowasleadingwhomdownthegardenpath?
Technique41:
ReadtheirragsIsyournextbigclientagolfer,runner,swimmer,surfer,orskier?Areyouattending a social function filled with accountants or Zen Buddhists – oranything between? There are untold thousands of monthly magazinesservingevery imaginable interest.Youcandishupmore information thanyou’ll ever need to sound like an insiderwith anyone just by reading therags that serve their racket. (Have you read your latest copy of Zoonoozyet?)
Istheworldgettingsmaller,orarewegettingbigger?Today’sRenaissancemanorwomaniscomfortableandconfidentanywhereandthenexttechniquehelpsyoubeaninsiderwhereveryoufindyourselfontheplanet.
Howtobeaglobalinsider
Sayyou’re travelling abroadonbusiness.What’s the first thingonyour to-dolist?Get a passport and a phrase book, right?After all,whowants towanderaroundRome not knowing how to ask for a restroom?Or be thirsty inKualaLumpurnotknowinghowtoaskforaCoke?However,there’ssomethingmostof us forget to pack, often to dire consequences – a book on internationalcustoms.A friendofmine, a fellow speaker namedGeraldine,was excited about her
firstspeechinJapan.TobecomfyonherlongflighttoTokyo,shedonnedherfavourite designer jeans and a casual jacket. Fourteen hours and 6, 737mileslater,fourimpeccablydressedJapanesegentlemengreetedheratNaritaAirport.Smilingandbowinglow,theyhandedhertheirbusinesscards.Withherbaginonehand,Geritooktheircardswiththeother.Shethankedthem,glancedbrieflyatthecards,andpackedthemsafelyintoherbackpocket.Shethenpulledoneofherbusinesscardsoutofherpurseand,sensitivetothefactthattheymighthavedifficultypronouncingGeraldine,wrotehernickname ‘Geri’ aboveherprintedname.Thegentlemenhoveredoverhercard,turningitovertoexamineitafewtimes,beforeoneofthemputitinhisbriefcase.When the five of them arrived at the hotel, they invitedGeri for tea in the
lobby.While sipping tea, thegentlemenpresentedherwith a small giftwhichshe eagerly opened. One of Geri’s most charming qualities is her instinctivewarmthandeffusiveness.Shewasthrilledwiththegiftand,intypicalGeristyle,shesquealed,‘Oh,it’sbeautiful!’asshegaveeachofthegentlemenalittlehug.At this point, the four Japanese gentlemen stood up in unison like four
frowning Siamese twins and, bowing only very slightly, mumbled ‘Sayonara’andpromptlyleft.PoorGeriwasflabbergasted.Whatdidshedowrong?
Everything!First,thejeans.Evenifyou’recomingoffabicycleinAsia,youdo not meet clients casually dressed. The second mistake was Geri’s vulgarhandlingof their business cards. InAsia, thebusiness card is oneof themostimportant protocol tools. It is always presented and accepted reverently withbothhands.(ExceptinMoslemAsiawherethelefthandisconsideredunclean.)Gerithenputtheircardsawaymuchtooquickly.InAsia,peopleusebusiness
cardsasaconversationstarter.Youchatabouteachother’scardsandworkanddo not put theirs away until they gently and respectfully place yours insafekeeping.Shovingitintoherbackjeanspocketwastheultimatedisrespect.Geri didn’t discover her fourth gaffe until she returned home. One of her
colleagues,Bill, a seasonedbusiness traveller, analyzed the fiasco forher.Billtold her the reason the gentlemen had turned Geraldine’s card over and overwhenshegaveittothemattheairportwastofindhername,title,andcompanyprintedinJapaneseontheotherside.TheflipsideofGeri’scardwas,ofcourse,blank.Then,fifthhorrorofhorrors,Gerishouldnothavewrittenonthecard.Cards
inAsia are not exactly sacred, but one should never deface themwithmessyhandwriting.ThesadtaleofGeriandtheJapanesegetsworse.Billbrokethebadnewsto
her:sheshouldnothaveopenedthegiftinfrontofherclients.Why?Becauseinalandwheresavingfaceiscritical,itwouldbeembarrassingtodiscoverthegiftthey gavewas not as nice as the one they received. (Yikes,Geri hadn’t evengiventhemagift!)Gaffenumberseven.Geri’s little squealwhen receiving thegiftwas also a boo-boo. InAsia, the
lowerthetoneofvoice,thehighertherank.Thefinalflubwas,ofcourse,givingthegentlemenathank-youhug.Hugging,highlyreveredincertainpartsoftheworldis,inJapan,absolutelyunacceptablewithanewclient.Needlesstosay,GerihasnotbeeninvitedbacktoJapan.However,shedoes
haveagigcomingupinElSalvador.Thistimeshe’ssmart.She’sstudyinguponthe customs there. Happily, she’s finding she can hug to her heart’s content.Howeversheshouldn’tuseher(oranybodyelse’s)firstname.Oh,andshemustnot introduce herself as an ‘American.’ After all, Salvadorans are Americans,too!Thedifferencesaroundtheworldgoonandon.WheneverItravel,Ihaveto
hitmyselfovertheheadandrealizeI’mnotintheanything-goesol’USA.Ilovetotravelinjeans,I’manincurablehugger,andIcan’twaittoseewhat’sinagift
boxanybodygivesme.However,wheneverIplantoleaveUncleSam’sshores,IcheckonforeigncustomstoseehowmuchofmyselfIcanbe.There are some excellent books on international customs. You’ll find the
namesofafewinthenotes.17–19
Technique42:
Clear‘customs’Beforeputtingonetoeonforeignsoil,getabookondosandtaboosaroundthe world. Before you shake hands, give a gift, make gestures, or evencompliment anyone’s possessions, check it out. Your gaffe could gum upyourentiregig.
Don’tbelikeanotherhaplesscolleagueofminewhoalmostblewabigbusinessdealwithaBrazilian.Justbeforesigningthecontract,hegavetheOKsignwithhis thumb and forefinger. Little did he know hewas telling his new businesspartnertogohaveintercoursewithhimself.Youneverknowuntilit’stoolate.Now we come to where being an insider shows immediate, tangible, and
calculable rewards. And where being an outsider really hurts – right in yourpocketorpurse.
Gettingwhatyouwantattheinsiderprice
Neverunderestimatehumaningenuitywhenitcomestogettingwhatyouwant.Manypeopleexpandtheadage,All’sfairinloveandwartoAll is fair in love,war,andbuyingwhatIwant.Togetatableataposhrestaurantonabusynight,usingacelebritynameisanoldploy.Myfavoritemaitred’toldmehegetsalotofRobertDeNiros phoning in a reservation.When their party of six or eightarrives,hehears,‘I’msosorry,Robwasn’tfeelingwellthisevening.’Onewoman,frustratedwhenherfakecelebritynamedidn’twork,shoutedat
him,‘Look,whothehelldoIhavetobetogetatable?I’llbeanyoneyouwantme to be,GoldieHawn,SteffiGraf,Fergie – just tellme.’ Somepeople try alast-minute approach.They simplywalk up to themaitre d’ at an overbookedrestaurant,pointtoanynameonthereservationbookandsay,‘That’sus.’You’llwitnessthesamecunningatoverbookedhotels.SeveralmonthsagoI
was checking into a popular hotel for which, fortunately, I had a confirmedreservation.Aloudmouthedmaninfrontofmeinlineshoutedatthedeskclerk,‘Whaddayamean,noroom?I’mstayinginthishoteltonight.Ifyoudon’thavearoom,I’msleepingrighthereonthefloor.’Histempertantrumwasnotworking.‘AndIwarnyou,’hecontinued,‘Isleepinthenude!’Hegotaroom.Thesecraftychildish tacticsarenot recommended.Rather, I suggestamore
principled technique called Bluffing for Bargains. It was born one afternoonsitting with an insurance broker, Mr. Carson. He was trying to sell me ahomeowner’spolicy.Of course Iwanted themost coverage for the least cash.Carsonwasasmoothoperatorandhewaspatientlyexplainingtomeinlayman’stermsthebenefitsofcertainridershewaspushing.Justashestarteddiscussingdisasterslikewarsandhurricanes,hisphonerang.
Withapologies,hepickedupthereceiver.Itwasoneofhiscolleagues.Suddenly
ametamorphosistookplacebeforemyeyes.Thesophisticatedsalesmanbecameapalsy-walsy regulardown-homekindaguychatting it upwithhisoldbuddyaboutumbrellas.Ithoughttheywerediscussingtheweather.Then the conversation turned to floaters. I now assumed theywere talking
aboutaneyeproblem.Ittookawhileformetorealizethatumbrellapoliciesandfloaterswerepartoftheinsurancesetheywerespeaking.A fewminutes later, Carson said, ‘Yeah, OK, so long, buddy,’ and put the
phonedown.Heclearedhisthroatandagaintransmogrifiedbackintotheformalsalesagentpatientlydefiningdamagesanddeductiblestoanaiveclient.Sitting there listening to bafflegab like subrogation andpro rata liability, I
begantoponder:IfCarson’scolleaguewhojustcalledwantedtobuyinsurance,he would have got a much better policy, much cheaper. In practically everyindustry,vendorsgivetwopricesongoodsorservices–onetoinsiders,andonetoyouandme.
Before I letmyselfgetangryabout this, I thought it through. Is itunfair?Notreally.Ifthevendordoesn’thavetospendtimebeingsalesmanorpsychologistansweringtheendlessstreamofnovicequestions,hecanaffordtogivehisbestprice. Carson wouldn’t have had to take twenty minutes explaining to hiscolleague(ashedid tome)why, ifa tornado takesyourhouse, it’sconsidered‘an act of God.’ Therefore, you lose. When knowledgeable associates buyproducts,thevendorishappilyreducedtonothingmorethanapurchasingagent.Forverylittlework,hemakesasmallprofitandissatisfied.Alittlebitofknowledgegoesalongwaywhenyou’rebuyingsomething.If
youhaveinsightintoyourrealestatebroker’sbottomline,he’smoreapttogiveyou the better price. If you are facile with the insider words caterers and carsalesmen use to pad their profits, if you’re savvy to techniques movingcompaniesandmechanicsusetobilktheunsuspecting,ifyouareonthelookoutforlawyers’methodsoffatteningfees–inshort,ifyouknowtheropes,youwillnotget rippedoff.Youdon’tneed toknowa lot, justa fewinsider terms.Theproassumes,sinceyouareconversantinsomeesotericindustryterms,youalsoknowthebestdealandrock-bottomprice.Nooneputitbetterthanmyhousepainter,Iggy.‘Sure,’hetoldme,‘yougotta
knowhowtotalktoapainter.Notme,butalottathemotherguys,they’regonnagetwhatevertheycan.It’sonlyhumannature.Especiallyifyou’reawomanandyoudealwith ’emsmart, like I’mgonna tellyouhow, theirhairwill standon
end.They’llsaytothemselves,“Hey,disisnobabeinthewoods.Ibetterdealstraight.”’‘OK,Iggy,how?’Hesaid,‘Tellthemguys,“Lookthewallsneedverylittleprepping.You’renot
goingtohavetospendmuchtimescrapingandspackling.It’sacleanjob.”’Iggytoldme these few sentences alone can saveyou a great deal ofmoney.Why?Right away the painter knows you know the score and that the most time-consuming part for him is preparing the surface (prepping in painterese).Therefore,it’shisbiggestmarkupitem.‘Then,’ Iggy continued, ‘when you tell ’em there will be no cutting in
(paintingtwocoloursnext toeachother),yourpricegoesdownagain.Besureandtell’emnottoleaveanyholidays(unpaintedorsparselypaintedspots)andyougetamorecarefuljob.’I’monlysorryIdon’thaveanIggyineveryfieldtogivemeacrashcourseinhowtodeal.
Howtodealwhenthere’snoIggyinyourlife
Here’showtogetthebestpriceandthebestdealfromanyone.FindyourIggyInformer. If you have a friend in the business, get the lingo fromhim. If not,insteadofgoingstraighttothevendoryouwanttobuyfrom,visitseveralothersfirst.Talkwiththem.Learnalittlelingofromeach.For instance, supposeyouwant tobuyadiamond. Insteadofgoing right to
yourfavouritejewelleryshopandaskingdumbbelldiamondquestions,gotothecompetition. Make friends with the salesclerk and pick up a few gems ofdiamondese. You’ll learn jewellers say stones, not diamonds. When you’retalkingaboutthetopofthestone,theysaytable;thewidestpartisthegirdle ;thebottomisthecutlet.Ifthestonelooksyellow,don’tsayyellow,saycape. Ifyouseeflaws,don’tsayflaws,sayinclusionsorgletz.Ifyoustilldon’tlikethestone,don’tsay‘I’dliketoseesomethingbetter,’sayfiner.(Don’taskmewhy.That’sjustthewaythediamondcrowdtalks.)Then, when you’ve got your lingo down, go to where you want to buy.
Becauseyounowspeakdiamond,yougetamuchbetterprice.
Technique43:
Bluffingforbargains
The haggling skills used in ancient Arab markets are alive and well incontemporaryAmericaforbig-ticketitems.Yourpriceismuchlowerwhenyouknowhowtodeal.Beforeeverybigpurchase,findseveralvendors–afewtolearnfromand
one tobuyfrom.Armedwitha fewwordsof industryese,you’re ready toheadforthestorewhereyou’regoingtobuy.
Soonyou’llbeaskingfurrierswheretheskinsweredressed,movingcompaniesfortheir ICCperformancerecord,and lawyers thehourlyrateofparalegalsandassociates.Thenthesefolks,likeIggythepainter,willsaytothemselves,‘Hey,disisnobabeinthewoods–Ibetterdealstraight.’
Letusnowdelvedeeperintotheworldofbeinganinsider.Thistimeweexplorehow to give your Conversation Partner the sense that you share not onlyexperiences,buttheheavystuff.Yousharebeliefsandvaluesinlife.
If you squint your eyes and look up carefully at a flight of birds, you’ll seefinches flyingwith finches, swallows soaringwith swallows, andyellowbirdswinging itwithyellowbirds.Theavianapartheidescalates.You’llneverseeabarn swallowwith a bank swallow, or even a yellow bird hanging outwith ayellowfinch.Somebodysaiditshorter:Birdsofafeatherflocktogether.Happily, humans are smarter than birds. In one respect, at least: we have
brains capable of overcomingbias.Really smart humanbeingswork together,play together and break bread together.Does thatmean their comfort level ishigh? Well, that depends on the human being. Our purpose here is not toexamine theabsurdityof apartheid. It is to leaveno stoneunturned inmakingsurepeoplearecompletelycomfortabledoingbusinessorpleasurewithyou.It hasbeenprovenbeyond adoubt, people aremost receptive to those they
feel have the same values in life. In one study, individualswere first given apersonalityandbeliefstest.20Theywerethenpairedoffwithapartnerandtoldtogospendtimetogether.Beforemeeting,halfthecouplesweretoldtheywerevery similar in beliefs to their partner. The other half were told they weredissimilar.Neitherstatementwastrue.However, when quizzed afterward on how much they liked each other,
partners who believed theywere similar liked each other a lot more than thecouples who thought themselves to be dissimilar, demonstrating we have apredisposition toward people we believe are just like us. We are mostcomfortablegivingourbusinessandfriendshiptothosewefeelshareourvaluesand beliefs in life. To that end I offer six techniques to create sensations ofsimilaritywitheveryoneyouwish.
Along with making more profound rapport with customers, friends, andassociates,usingthefollowingtechniquesdevelopsadeeperunderstandingandempathywith people of all races and backgrounds.They also open doors thatmightotherwisebeclosedtoyou.
Watchtheireverymove
Justlikethefinchflapsitswingsfasterthantheglidingeagle,peopleofdifferentbackgroundsmove differently. For example, in theUS people from thewide-open plains tend to stand farther from each other. City people, systematicallysardinedintosubwaysandcrowdedbuses,standcloser.AsianAmericansmakemodestmovements.ItalianAmericansmakemassiveones.Atteatime,thefinishing-schoolsetgenuflectsandgracefullylowersderrieres
ontothesofa.Whentheladiesreachforacup,theyholdthesaucerinonehandand the cup in the other, pinkie ever so slightly extended. Folks who neverfinishedanymannersschoolmakeadiveintothemiddleofthesofaandclutchthecupwithbothhands.Is one right? Is the other wrong?No. However, Top Communicators know
whendoingbusinesswithaderriere-dippingpinkieextenderortwo-fistedmuggrabber, they darn well should do the same. People feel comfortable aroundpeoplewhomovejustliketheydo.Ihavea friendwho travels thecountrygivinganoutrageous seminarcalled
‘How to Marry the Rich.’ Genie was once in a Las Vegas casino when atelevisionreporteraskedifshecouldtelltherealrichfromthegreatpretenders.‘Ofcourse,’Genieanswered.‘Allright,’challengedthereporter.‘Whoisthewealthiestmaninthisroom?’
Convenedatthenexttablewerethreemenintailoredsuits(HaywardofMayfair,London, no doubt), handmade shirts (Charvet of Place Vendôme in Paris, nodoubt), and sipping scotch (single-malt Laphroaig from the Scottish island ofIslay, no doubt). The reporter, naturally, assumedGeniewould choose one oftheselikelycandidates.Instead,with the scrutinyof ahuntingdog,Genie’s eyes scanned the room.
Likeatrainedbassethound,sheinstinctivelypointedalongredfingernailata
fellowintornjeansatacornertable.Shemurmured,‘He’sveryrich.’Flabbergasted,thereporteraskedGenie,‘Howcanyoutell?’‘Hemoves like oldmoney,’ she said. ‘You see,’Geniewent on to explain,
‘there’smoving likeoldmoney. There’smoving likenewmoney.And there’smoving likeno money.’ Genie could tell the unlikely chap in the corner wasobviouslysittingonbigassets,andallbecauseofthewayhemoved.
Technique44:
BeacopycatWatch people. Look at the way they move. Small movements? Bigmovements?Fast?Slow?Jerky?Fluid?Old?Young?Classy?Trashy?Pretend the person you are talking to is your dance instructor. Is he a
jazzymover? Is sheaballeticmover?Watchhisorherbody, then imitatethestyleofmovement.ThatmakesyourConversationPartnersubliminallyrealcomfywithyou.
They’rebuyingyou,too
If you’re in sales, copy not only your customer’s class but the class of yourproductaswell.IliveinasectionofNewYorkCitycalledSoho,whichisafewblocks above the famous-for-being-trashy Canal Street. Often, clutching mypurse tightly and dodging the crowds on Canal Street, I’ll pass a pickpocket-turned-salesman-for-the-day. He furtively looks around and flashes a greasyhandkerchief at me with a piece of jewellery on it. ‘Psst, wanna buy a goldchain?’Hisnervousthief’sdemeanoralonecouldgethimarrested.Now, about sixty blocks uptown, you’ll find the fashionable and very
expensive Tiffany’s jewellery store. Occasionally, clutching my fantasies ofbeing able to afford something therein, I stroll through the huge gilt doors.Imagineoneof the impeccablydressedsalesprofessionalsbehind thebevelledglass counters furtively looking around and saying tome, ‘Psst,wanna buy adiamond?’Nosale!Match your personality to your product. Selling handmade suits? A little
decorumplease.Sellingjeans?Alittlecool,please.Sellingsweatsuits?Alittlesporty,please.Andsoonforwhateveryou’reselling.Remember,youareyour
customers’ buying experience. Therefore you are part of the product they’rebuying.
‘We’relikepeasinapod’
Haveyoueverbeengabbingwithanewacquaintanceand,afterafewmoments,you’ve said to yourself, ‘This person and I think alike! We’re on the samewavelength.’It’safabulousfeeling,almostlikefallinginlove.Lovers call it chemistry. New friends talk of instant rapport, and business
people sayameeting ofminds. Yet it’s the samemagic, that sudden sense ofwarmth and closeness, that strange sensation of ‘Wow,wewere old friends atonce!’Whenwewerechildren,makingfriendswaseasier.Mostofthekidswemet
grewupinthesametownandsotheywereonourwavelength.Thentheyearswent by.We grew older.Wemoved away.Our backgrounds, our experiences,our goals, our lifestyles became diverse. Thus, we fell off each other’swavelengths.Wouldn’titbegreattohaveamagicsurfboardtohelpyouhoprightbackon
everybody’swavelengthwheneveryouwanted?Hereitis,alinguisticdevicethatgets you riding on high rapport with everyone you meet. If you stand on amountain cliff and shout ‘hello-oh’ across the valley, your identical ‘hello-oh’thundersbackatyou. Icall the techniqueEchoing because, like themountain,youechoyourConversationPartner’sprecisewords.
Itallstartedacrosstheocean
InmanyEuropeancountries,you’llhearfive,ten,ormorelanguageswithinthelanguage.Forexample,inItaly,theSiciliansfromthesouthspeakadialectthatseems like gobbledygook to northern Italians. In an Italian restaurant, I onceoverheard a diner discover his waiter was also from Udine, a town innortheasternItalywheretheyspeaktheFriulanodialect.Thedinerstoodupand
hugged thewaiter like hewas a long-lost brother. They started babbling in atonguethatlefttheotherItalianwaitersshrugging.InAmericawehavedialects,too.Wejustaren’tconsciousofthem.Infactwe
have thousands of different words, depending on our region, our job, ourinterests,andourupbringing.Once,whentravellingacrossthecountry,Itriedtoorder a soda like a Coke or 7-Up in a highway restaurant. It took someexplaining before the waitress understood I wanted what she called a pop.PerhapsbecausetheEnglish-speakingworldissolarge,AmericanshaveavasterchoiceofwordsforthesameoldstuffthananylanguageI’veencountered.Familymembersfindthemselvesspeakingalike.Friendsusethesamewords,
andassociatesinacompanyormembersinaclubtalkalike.Everyoneyoumeetwill have his or her own language that subliminally distinguishes them fromoutsiders.ThewordsareallEnglish,buttheyvaryfromareatoarea,industrytoindustry,andevenfamilytofamily.
Thelinguisticdevicethatsays‘we’reonthesamewavelength’
When youwant to give someone the subliminal feeling you’re just alike, usetheirwords,notyours.Supposeyouaresellingacartoayoungmotherwhotellsyou she is concerned about safety because she has a young toddler. Whenexplainingthesafetyfeaturesofthecar,useherword.Don’tusewhateverwordyou call your kids.Don’t even say ‘child-protection lock,’whichwas in yoursalesmanual.Tellyourprospect,‘No toddlercanopenthewindowbecauseofthedriver’scontroldevice.’Evencallita‘toddler-protectionlock.’WhenMomhears toddler coming fromyour lips, she feels you are ‘family’ because that’showallherrelativesrefertoherlittletyke.Supposeyourprospecthadsaidkidor infant.Fine,echoanywordsheused. (Well,almostanyword. If she’dsaidmybrat,youmightwanttopassonEchoingthistime.)
Echoingatparties
Let’ssayyouareataparty.It’sahugebashwithmanydifferenttypesofpeople.You are first chatting with a lawyer who tells you her profession is oftenmaligned.Whenitcomesyourturntospeak,sayprofessiontoo.Ifyousayjob,itputsasubconsciousbarrierbetweenyou.
Nextyoumeet a constructionworkerwho starts talkingabouthis job.Nowyou’re in trouble if you say, ‘Well, inmyprofession…’He’d think youwerebeinghoity-toity.Afterthelawyerandtheconstructionworker,youtalktoseveralfreelancers–
first amodel, then aprofessional speaker, finally apopmusician.All threeofthese folkswillusedifferentwords for theirwork.Themodelbragsaboutherbookings. The professional speakermight say bookings, but he ismore apt toboastofhisspeakingengagements.Apopmusicianmightsay,‘Yeah,man,Igeta lotofgigs. ’ It’s tough tomemorizewhat they all call theirwork. Just keepyourearsopenandechotheirwordaftertheysayit.Echoinggoesbeyondjobnames.Forexampleifyouarechattingwithaboat
ownerandyoucallhisboatanit,helabelsyouareallandlubber.(Hereverentlyreferstohisbelovedboat,ofcourse,asashe.)Ifyoulistencarefully,youhearlanguage subtleties you never dreamed existed. Would you believe using thewrong synonym for a seemingly uncomplicated word like have labels you aknow-nothing in somebody else’s world? For example, cat lovers purr abouthavingcats.Buthorsepeoplewouldsayowninghorses.Andfishfolkdon’townfish.They talkaboutkeeping fish.Hey,nobigdeal.But ifyouuse thewrongword,yourConversationPartnerwillassume,correctly,thatyouareastrangerinhisorherhobbyland.
Theperilofnotechoing
SometimesyouloseoutbynotEchoing.MyfriendPhilandIweretalkingwithseveralguestsataparty.Onewomanproudlytoldthegroupaboutthewonderfulnewskichaletshehadjustpurchased.Shewaslookingforwardtoinvitingherfriendsuptoherlittlechaletinthemountains.‘That’swonderful,’saidPhil,secretlyhopingforaninvitation.‘Whereexactly
isyourcabin?’KERPLUNK!TherewentPhil’schancesforaninvitationtothelady’schalet.Icouldn’tresist.Aftertheconversation,Iwhisperedtomyfriend,‘Phil,why
didyouinsultthatwomanbycallingherchaletacabin?’Philscratchedhisheadandsaid,‘Whatdoyoumeaninsulther?Cabin isabeautifulword.MyfamilyhasacabininCapeCodandIgrewuplovingtheword,theassociations,thejoyof a cabin.’ (In otherwords, the connotations of cabin.)Well, fine, Phil. Thewordcabinmaybebeautifultoyou,butobviouslytheskierpreferredthewordchalet.
Professionalechoing
In today’s sales environment, customers expect salespeople to be problemsolvers,notjustvendors.Theyfeelyoudon’tgrasptheirindustry’sproblemsifyoudon’tspeaktheirlanguage.I have a friend, Penny, who sells office furniture. Among her clients are
peopleinpublishing,advertising,broadcasting,andafewlawyers.Penny’ssalesmanualsaysofficefurniture.However,shetoldme,ifsheusedthewordofficewith all of her clients, they’d assume she knewnothing about their respectiveindustries.She toldmeher client, thepurchasingofficer in advertising, talks abouthis
advertising agency. Penny’s publishing client says publishing house. Thelawyers talk about furniture for their firm, and her radio clients use thewordstationinsteadofoffice.‘Hey,’Pennysays,‘it’stheirsaltmine.Theycancallitwhateverthehecktheyplease.And,’sheadded,‘ifIwanttomakethesale,I’dbettercallitthesamething.’
Technique45:
EchoingEchoing is a simple linguistic technique that packs a powerful wallop.Listen to the speaker’s arbitrary choice of nouns, verbs, prepositions,adjectives – and echo them back. Hearing their words come out of yourmouthcreatessubliminalrapport.Itmakesthemfeelyousharetheirvalues,theirattitudes,theirinterests,theirexperiences.
Echoingispoliticallycorrectinsurance
Here’saquiz:You’retalkingwithapharmacistandyouaskher,‘Howlonghaveyouworkedatthedrugstore?’What’swrongwiththatquestion?Give up? It’s the word drugstore. Pharmacists abhor the word because it
conjuresupmanyindustryproblems.They’reusedtohearingitfromoutsiders,but it’s a tip-off that they are unaware of, or insensitive to, their professionalproblems.Theypreferpharmacy.Recently,atareception,Iintroducedoneofmyfriends,Susan,asaday-care
worker. Afterward Susan begged, ‘Leil, pul-eeze do not call me a day-care
worker.We’re child-care workers.’ Whoops! Time and recent history quicklymakecertaintermsarchaic.A group’s intense preference for one word is not arbitrary. Certain jobs,
minorities and special-interest groups often have a history the public is notsensitive to.When thathistoryhas toomuchpainattached to it,people inventanotherwordthatdoesn’thavebitterconnotations.Ihaveadearfriend,Leslie,whoisinawheelchair.Shesayswheneveranyone
saysthewordhandicapped,shecringes.Lesliesaysitmakesherfeellessthanwhole. ‘Wepreferyou saypersonwithadisability. ’ She thengave amovingexplanation.‘Wepeoplewithdisabilitiesarethesameaseveryotherable-bodiedperson.Wesay‘AB,’sheadded.‘ABsgothroughlifewithallthesamebaggagewedo.Wejustcarryoneextrapiece,adisability.’
It’s simple. It’s effective.To show respect andmake people feel close to you,Echotheirwords.Itmakesyouamoresensitivecommunicator–andkeepsyououtoftroubleeverytime.
Old-boyanalogiesareunsportsmanlikeconductwiththegirls
I recently had to make a presentation to fifteen men in a corporate meeting.‘OK,’ I said tomyself as I stood up, ‘fifteenMartians and oneVenusian.’Noproblem! I’d readMen Are fromMars, Women Are from Venus. I’d exploredneurologicaldifferencesinmen’sandwomen’sbrains.Iknewallaboutgender-specificbodylanguagesignals.Hey, I teachcommunicationsdifferences. Iwaswellpreparedtotalktothesemen,getmypointacross,andfendanyquestions.Everything started out fine. I’d conceived my presentation clearly and
concisely,developedeach theme,andpresented it flawlessly.Then, Isatdownandconfidentlyinvitedquestionsandopendiscussion.That’swhenitfellapart.AllIrememberisahorrifyingbarrageofquestions
couchedinfootballanalogies.‘Doyouthinkwedroppedtheballonthatone?’onemanasked.‘Yeah,’anotherresponded.‘Butcanwemakeafumblerecovery?’Those two I understood. However, when it got to pass coverage and
intentional grounding, I started to lose it. When one guy raved about aHailMarypassbeingneeded tosave thedeal, I suffered theultimatehumiliation. Ihadtoask,‘Uh,whatdoesthatmean?’Theguyslookedateachotherknowingly,andthensmiledcondescendinglyastheyexplainedittome.ThatnightIhadsadisticfantasiesoffifteenwomenrunningthecompanyand
onemanleftscratchinghisheadaswebandiedaboutchildbirthanalogies.‘Wewon’tgethisnewproposal ’till the third trimester,’ reports the account
exec.‘Yeah, but that’s six months away. Let’s get it byC-section,’ responds the
comptroller.‘Why bother?’ asks themarketingVP. ‘All his ideas are developed in vitro
anyway.’
‘I’mabouttogointopostpartumdepression,’murmurstheCEO.Thelonemaleemployee is left as confused and humiliated as I was in the face of footballanalogies.Ahem, theaimof thisbook isnot to feed fiendish fantasies,but to improve
communications.Tothatend,Iofferthefollowingtechniquebasedonanalogies,notjustfootballanalogies.
On-targetanalogieshitbull’s-eye
Analogiescanbeaneffectivecommunicationstool–ifyouevokeimagesfromthe life of the person you are talking to.Men don’t use football analogies toobfuscatemattersortoconfusewomen,buttoclarifysituationsforeachother.Analogiesfromthesportbringsituationstolifeformenbecausegenerallytheywatchmorefootballthanwomen.Movingontoothersportsanalogies:everyoneknowswhatthespeakermeans
whenheorshehears,‘We’llneverstrikeoutwiththissolution.’Nevertheless,abaseballfanwouldfinditamorecompellingimageashewouldanalogieslikecaughtonthefly,hittingthedirt,orthrowingaspitball.You’veheardpeoplesay,‘Thissolutionisrightontarget.’Weallunderstand
it. But the phrasing would be more dramatic for archery enthusiasts. If yourlistener were a bowler, speaking of gutter balls or big splits would bringwhateveryouwerediscussing to life. Ifyourbusinessbuddieswerebasketballfans,analogieslikehookshotorairballwouldlandrightintheirbasket.Ifyourclientwrestles,sayingfeintsandscissorholdswouldbethewaytograbhim.These analogies might sound far-fetched to you. But they are potent
communicationstoolswhentheyevokeyourConversationPartner’sworld.Whynotusethemostpowerfultermspossibletogetyourpointacrossandmakethesale?IcallthetechniquePotentImaging.
Technique46:
PotentimagingDoesyourcustomerhaveagarden?Talkaboutsowingtheseedsforsuccess.Doesyourbossownaboat?Tellhimorheraboutaconceptthatwillholdwaterorstayafloat.Maybeheisaprivatepilot?Talkaboutaconceptreallytakingoff.Sheplaystennis?Tellheritreallyhitsthesweetspot.Evokeyour listener’s interestsor lifestyleandweave imagesaroundit.To
giveyourpointsmorepowerandpunch,useanalogiesfromyourlistener’sworld,notyourown.PotentImagingalsotellsyourlistenersyouthinklikethemandhintsyousharetheirinterests.
PardonmewhileIreturnmomentarilytomysadisticfantasiesofthehopelesslyconfusedlonemaleemployee.Theall-femalemanagementteamisnowarguingthecorporatestrategyusing,notfootballofcourse,butballetanalogies.‘Isaylet’sdothecorporatetakeoverallegro,’shesuggests.‘Nah,yougottagoadagiointhesematters,’hercolleagueresponds.‘Butwhatiftheydoatourjetéwhilewe’repoisedinfifth?’‘C’mondidyoueverseeagoodpasseulfromtheirpresident?’Thetopwomansettlesit.‘Isaylet’sjustgivehimalittlerévérence,andthena
grandbattementintheballs.’
Beyond‘yep,uhhuh,yeah’
Whilelisteningtosomeonetalk,weoftenvocalize‘uhhuh’orpurrthroatylittle‘umm’sounds to reassure thespeakerwehaveheard theirwords. In fact,withsomeit’ssuchahabit, thenoisesescapetheirthroatsunconsciously.MyfriendPhilisaconsummate,constant,andincontinent‘ummer’wheneverI’mtalking.Occasionally, if I’m feeling contentious after he’s given one of his agreeable‘umms’ in response to something I’ve said, I challenge him with, ‘OK, Phil,whatdidIsay?’‘Uh,well, gosh…’Phil has no idea. It’s not his fault.He’smale.Men are
especiallyguiltyof thenot-really-listeningummhabit.Once,whenIwasonamonologueaboutnothinginparticular,Philwasonarealummroll.Totesthislistening skills, I slipped in, ‘Yes, this afternoon I think I’ll go out and gettattooedallovermybody.’Philnoddedhishabitual‘uhhuh.’Well,ummingisbetterthanablankstare.However,it’snotthechoiceofTop
Communicators.Tryreplacingyourummswithfull-blownempathizers.
Whatareempathizers?
Empathizersaresimple,short,supportivestatements.Unlike‘uhhuh,’ theyarecomplete sentences suchas ‘I canappreciateyoudecided todo that,’or ‘Thatreallyisexciting.’Empathizerscanbeone-sentencepositivecritiqueslike‘Yes,thatwasthehonorablethingtodo’or‘It’scharmingyoufeltthatway.’Whenyou respondwith complete sentences insteadof the usual grunts, not
onlydoyoucomeacross asmorearticulate,your listener feels thatyoureallyunderstand.
Technique47:
EmployempathizersDon’tbeanunconsciousummer.Vocalizecompletesentencestoshowyourunderstanding.Dustyourdialoguewithphraseslike‘Iseewhatyoumean.’Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like ‘That’s a lovely thing to say.’Yourempathyimpressesyourlistenersandencouragesthemtocontinue.Ofcourse,youpayaprice.Inordertousetherightempathizers,youdo
needtolisten.Nowlet’sfine-tunethistechniqueandexploreadvancedempathizing.
Asoundidea
Abouttenyearsago,Ihadaroom-matenamedBrenda.Brendawasatapdanceteacherwhodidn’t just tapdancetomakealiving.Shelivedtotap.Postersoffamous American tap dancers Bill ‘Bojangles’ Robinson and Charles ‘Honi’Colesplasteredherwalls.Shedidn’twalkaroundthehouse.Shetappedherwayfrom room to room. It was noisy but at least, when a phone call came forBrenda,Ineverhadtroublefindingher.Once I asked Brenda when she got interested in tap. She said, ‘From the
momentIfirstopenedmyears.’Herears?Ithought,that’sstrange.Mostpeoplesay ‘from themoment I openedmy eyes.’At thatmoment, I realizedBrenda‘saw’theworldmorethroughherearsthanhereyes.Weallperceivetheworldthroughfivesenses.Weseetheworld.Wehearthe
world. We feel the world. We smell the world. And we taste the world.Therefore,we talk in termsof those five senses.Proponentsofneurolinguisticprogramming(NLP)tellus,foreachperson,onesenseisstrongerthanothers.ForBrenda,itwasherhearing.Brenda toldme shegrewup in a dark apartment below street level inNew
YorkCity.Sheremembers,asaninfant,hearingthepitter-patteroffeetwalkingjustabovehercribonthepavement.Asatoddler,hertinyearswerebombardedwithhonkinghorns,shriekingsirensandtyrechainsslappingtheicystreets.Sheespecially remembers the clumpety-clomp of police horses’ hoofs on thepavementoutsideherwindow.Herfirstperceptionsoftheoutsideworldcametoher through her ears. To this day, sound dominates her life. Brenda, the tapdancer,isanauditoryperson.
Sinceneurolinguistssuggest invokingour listener’sstrongestsense, I triedafewauditoryreferencesonBrenda.Ratherthansaying,‘Thatlooksgoodtome,’I’dsay‘Thatsoundsgood.’Insteadofsaying,‘Iseewhatyoumean,’I’dsay,‘Ihearyou.’WhenIusedtheseauditoryreferences,Ifeltshepaidmoreattention.So I started listeningverycarefully toallmy friends todiscoverwhichwas
theirprimaryperception.SometimesI’dhearvisualreferenceslike
Iseewhatyoumean.Thatlooksgoodtome.Ican’tpicturemyselfdoingthat.Itakeadimviewofthatidea.Frommyperspective…
Wow,IthoughtIwasreallyontosomething!
Awrinkledevelops
Butthen,whoops,atothertimes,I’dhearthatsamefriendsay
Yeah,Ihearyou.Sure,thatsoundsgoodtome.Ikeptsayingtomyselfitwouldwork.Thathasanegativeringtoit.Hereallytunedoutonthewholeidea.Somethingtellsme…
Thiswasn’tgoingtobequiteaseasyasI’dexpected.However,Iwasn’treadytogiveup.OnceBrendaandIwentskiingwithseveralfriends.Thatnightwewereata
party.One of our friendswas telling a group of people, ‘The ski slopeswerebeautiful.Everythingwassocrystalclearandwhite.’‘Avisualperson?’Iaskedmyself.Anotherskieradded,‘Thefeelofthefreshsnowonourfaceswasterrific.’‘Aha,akinestheticperson,’Imusedsilently.Sureenough,justthen,Brendasaid,‘Todaywassosilent.Theonlysoundyou
couldhearwasthewindinyourearsasyoucameswooshingdowntheslopes.’Thatlittleriffconvincedmetherewassomethingtoit.
However,Istillfounditdifficulttodiscernone’sprimarysense.
Asimplesolution
Here’swhatI’vefounddoeswork,anditdoesn’ttaketoomuchdetectiveworkon your part. I call the techniqueAnatomically Correct Empathizers, and it’seasytomaster.Unlessitisobviousthepersonyouarespeakingwithisprimarilyvisual, auditory, or kinesthetic, simply respond in his or her mode of themoment. Match your empathizers to the current sense someone is talkingthrough.Forexample,supposeabusinesscolleaguedescribingafinancialplansays, ‘With thisplan,wecanseeourwayclear insixmonths.’Since this timeshe’susingprimarilyvisualreferences,say‘Iseewhatyoumean’or‘Youreallyhaveaclearpictureofthatsituation.’If, instead,yourcolleaguehad said, ‘Thisplanhasagood ring to it,’you’d
substituteauditoryempathizerslike‘Itdoessoundgreat’or‘Ihearyou.’Athirdpossibility.Supposeshehadsaid,‘Ihaveagutfeelingthisplanwill
work.’Nowyou give her a kinesthetic empathizer like ‘I can understand howyoufeel,’or‘Youhaveagoodgraspofthatproblem.’
Technique48:
AnatomicallycorrectempathizersWhatpartoftheiranatomyareyourassociatestalkingthough?Theireyes?Theirears?Theirgut?Forvisualpeople,usevisualempathizerstomakethemthinkyouseethe
worldthewaytheydo.Forauditoryfolks,useauditoryempathizerstomakethem think you hear them loud and clear. For kinesthetic types, usekinestheticempathizerstomakethemthinkyoufeelthesamewaytheydo.
Whatabouttheothertwosenses,tasteandsmell?Well,I’veneverrunupagainstany gustatory or olfactory types.But you could always compliment a chef bysaying,‘That’sadeliciousidea.’Andifyouaretalkingtoyourdog(olfactory,ofcourse),tellhim‘Thewholeideastinks.’
Thenexttechniquehelpscreateaffinitywithasingleword.
‘Wetalkedlikeoldfriendsatonce’
Byjusteavesdroppingforafewmomentsonanytwopeoplechatting,youcouldtellalotabouttheirrelationship.Youcouldtelliftheywerenewacquaintancesoroldfriends.Youcould tellwhetheramanandawomanwerestrangersoracouple.Youwouldn’tevenneed tohear friendscall eachotherpal,buddy, ormate.
Youwouldn’t need to hear aman and a womanwhisper dear, sweetheart, orturtledove.Itwouldn’tmatterwhat theywerediscussing,oreventheir toneofvoice. You could even be blindfolded and tell a lot about their relationshipbecausethetechniqueI’mabouttosharehasnothingtodowithbodylanguage.How? A fascinating progression of conversation unfolds as people become
closer.Here’showitdevelops:
LEVELONE:CLICHÉSTwo strangers talking together primarily toss clichés back and forth. Forinstance, when chatting about the universally agreed-upon world’s dullestsubject, the weather, one stranger might say to the other, ‘Beautiful sunnyweatherwe’vebeenhaving.’Or,‘Boy,somerain,huh?’That’slevelone,clichés.
LEVELTWO:FACTSPeoplewhoknoweachotherbutarejustacquaintancesoftendiscussfacts.‘Youknow, Joe,we’vehad twice asmany sunnydays thisyear todate as last.’Or,‘Yeah,well,wefinallydecidedtoputinaswimmingpooltobeattheheat.’
LEVELTHREE:FEELINGSANDPERSONALQUESTIONSWhen people become friends, they often express their feelings to each other,evenonsubjectsasdullastheweather.‘George,I justlovethesesunnydays.’
Theyalsoaskeachotherpersonalquestions:‘Howaboutyou,Betty?Areyouasunperson?’
LEVELFOUR:WESTATEMENTSNowweprogresstothehighestlevelofintimacy.Thislevelisricherthanfactsand creates more rapport than feelings. It’s we and us statements. Friendsdiscussingtheweathermightsay,‘Ifwekeephavingthisgoodweather,it’llbeagreatsummer.’Loversmightsay,‘Ihopethisgoodweatherkeepsupforus sowecangoswimmingonourtrip.’A technique to achieve the ultimate verbal intimacy grows out of this
phenomenon. Simply use thewordwe prematurely.You can use it tomake aclient, a prospect, a stranger feel you are already friends. Use it to make apotential romanticpartner feel the twoofyouarealreadyan item. Icall it thePrematureWe. In casual conversation, simply cut through levels one and two.Jumpstraighttothreeandfour.Askyourprospect’sfeelingsonsomethingthewayyouwouldqueryafriend.
(‘George,howdoyoufeelaboutthenewgovernor?’)Thenusethepronounwewhendiscussinganythingthatmightaffectthetwoofyou.(‘Doyouthinkwe’regoing to prosper during his administration?’) Make it a point to concoct wesentences, the kind people instinctively reserve for friends, lovers and otherintimates.(‘Ithinkwe’llsurvivewhilethegovernor’sinoffice.’)Thewordwefosterstogetherness.Itmakesthelistenerfeelconnected.Itgives
a subliminal feeling of ‘you andme against the cold, coldworld.’When youprematurely say we or us, even to strangers, it subconsciously brings themcloser.Itsubliminallyhintsyouarealreadyfriends.Ataparty,youmightsaytosomeone standing behind you at the buffet line, ‘Hey, this looks great. Theyreallylaidoutanicespreadforus.’Or,‘Uh-oh,we’regoingtogetfatifweletourselvesenjoyallofthis.’
Technique49:
TheprematureweCreate the sensation of intimacy with someone even if you’ve met justmoments before. Scramble the signals in their psyche by skippingconversationallevelsoneandtwo,andcuttingrighttolevelsthreeandfour.Elicitintimatefeelingsbyusingthemagicwordswe,us,andour.
Well,wehavejustexploredhowtocopyourConversationPartners’movementswithBe aCopycat, Echo theirwords, evokePotent Images from theirworld,create a bond through their primary sense with Anatomically CorrectEmpathizers,andestablishsubliminalfriendshipwithwordslikewe.Whatelsedofriends,lovers,andcloseassociateshaveincommon?Ahistory.
Thefinaltechniqueinthissectionisadevicetogiveafairlynewacquaintancethewarmandfuzzyfeelingthetwoofyouhavebeentogetherforalong,longtime.
Ourownprivatejoke
Lovers whisper phrases in each others’ ears that mean nothing to anyone butthemselves.Friendscrackupoverafewwordsthatsoundlikegobbledygooktoanyone overhearing them. Close business associates chuckle about sharedexperiences.OnecompanyI’veworkedwithhasseenre-engineering,empowerment,TQM,
and team building come and go in one decade. At company parties, theemployees never fail to crack up over the time when the whole company –managers tomail-roomclerks–scrambledupa twenty-nine-footpole togetherallinthenameofteambuilding.TheCEOslippeddownthepoleandbrokehisbig toe.At the nextweeklymeeting, theCEO shookhis crutch and causticallyannounced, ‘Nomore teamexercises!’Thus, thedeathof teambuilding–andthebirthofaprivatejoke.Out of shared experiences like this, a company culture grows. These
employeeshaveahistory,anda language togowith it.To thisday,whenevertheywanttoputanabruptendtoanyidea,theysay,‘Let’sshakeacrutchatit’or‘Let’s slide that one down the flagpole.’ They all smile. Nobody knowswhattheymeanexceptfellowemployees.TheplaywrightNeilSimon,sometimeswithasingleword,canmakeanentire
Broadway audience understand two performers onstage are either married orlongtimefriends.Theactorsimplysayssomethingtotheactressthatmakesnosensetotheaudience.Thenbothofthemlaughuproariously.Everybodygetsthemessage:thesetwopeopleareanitem.EverytimemyfriendDarylandImeet,wedon’tsay‘Hello.’Wesay‘Quack.’
Why?Wemetatapartyfiveyearsagoand,inourfirstconversation,Daryltoldmehegrewuponaduckfarm.WhenItoldhimI’dneverseenaduckfarm,he
performedthebesthumanimitationofaduckI’deverseen.Heflippedhisheadside to side looking at me first out of one eye, then the other, all the whileflappinghisarmsandquacking.Igotsuchalaughoutofhisperformancethatitinspired him to do a full flat-footed duck waddle for me. It was contagious.Togetherwewaddledaroundtheroomflappingandquacking.Wemadeabsolutefoolsofourselvesthatevening.Thenextday,myphonerang.Ipickedupthereceivertohear,not‘Hello,this
isDaryl,’butsimply,‘Quack.’I’msurethat’swhatstartedourfriendship.Tothisday,everytimeIhearhis‘Quack’onthephone,itfloodsmewithhappy,ifatadembarrassing, memories. It recalls our history and renews our friendship nomatterhowlongit’sbeensincewelastquackedateachother.
Technique50:
InstanthistoryWhen youmeet a stranger you’d like tomake less a stranger, search forsome specialmomentyou sharedduringyour first encounter.Then find afewwordsthatreprievethelaugh,thewarmsmile,thegoodfeelingsthetwoofyoufelt.Now,justlikeoldfriends,youhaveahistorytogether,anInstantHistory.
Withanyoneyou’dliketomakepartofyourpersonalorprofessionalfuture,
lookforspecialmomentstogether.Thenmakethemarefrain.
Nowwhat’sleft?
Chemistry, charisma, and confidence are three characteristics shared by BigWinnersinallwalksoflife.PartOnehelpedusmakeadynamic,confident,andcharismaticfirstimpressionwithbodylanguage.InTwo,weputsmoothsmall-talklyricstoourbodyballet.TheninThree,weseizedhintsfromtheBigBoysandGirlssowe’recontendersforlife’sBigLeague.PartFourrescuedusfrombeingtongue-tiedwithfolkswithwhomwehaveverylittleincommon.AndinFive,welearnedtechniquestocreateinstantchemistry,instantintimacy,instantrapport.What’s left? You guessed it – making people feel really good about
themselves. But compliments are a dangerous weapon in today’s world. One
mishandlingandyoucanbutchertherelationship.Letusnowexplorethepowerofpraise,thefollyofflattery,andhowyoucanusethesepotenttoolseffectively.
Kidsareexpertsatgettingwhattheywant.Perchedonpapa’sknee,‘OhDaddy,you’re sowonderful. I know you’ll buyme that new doll.’ The nextmorningwithmamainthesupermarket,‘OhMummy,Iloveyou.You’rethemostbestestmummyintheworld.Iknowyou’llbuymethatchocolatemunchie.’Fromthehungryinfant’sinstinctivecooingasmummyapproachesthecribto
the car salesman’s calculated praise as the prospectwalks into the showroom,compliments come naturally to people when they want something fromsomebody. In fact, compliments are the most widely used and thoroughlyendorsed of all getting-what-you-want techniques.WhenDale Carnegiewrote‘Beginwithpraise,’fifteenmillionreaderstookittoheart.Mostofusstillthinkpraiseisthepathtoextractingwhatwewantfromsomeone.Andyes,ifit’sassimpleasdollsfromdaddyandmunchiesfrommummy,it
maybe.ButthebusinessworldhaschangeddramaticallysinceDaleCarnegie’sday. In today’s world, not every smiling flatterer has the power to procurethroughpraise.
Themalaiseofunskilledpraise
Yougive someoneacompliment.Yousmile,waiting to see thewarmfeelingsengulftherecipient.Youmayhavetowaitalongtime.
Ifheorshehasaspeckofsuspicionthatyourpraiseisself-serving,ithastheoppositeeffect.Ifyourcomplimentis insincereorunskilled, itcanwreckyourchances of ever being trusted by that person again. It can abort a potentialrelationshipbeforeitevergetsofftherunway.However, skilled praise is a different story. When done well, it gives the
relationship immediate lift-off. It can make a sale, win a new friend, orrejuvenateamarriageonagoldenanniversary.Whatisthedifferencebetweenpraisethatliftsandflatterythatflattens?Many
factors enter the equation.They includeyour sincerity, timing,motivation andwording. They also involve the recipient’s self-image, professional position,experiencewith compliments, and judgment of your powers of perception.Ofcourseitentailstherelationshipbetweenthetwoofyouandhowlongyouhaveknowneachother.Ifyou’recomplimentingsomeonebyphone,e-mail,orsnailmail, it even involves subtleties such as whether you’ve ever seen their face,eitherinpersonoraphotograph.Mindboggling,isn’tit?Sociologists’researchshows:(1)acomplimentfrom
a new person is more potent than from someone you already know, (2) yourcompliment has more credibility when given to an unattractive person or anattractivepersonwhosefaceyou’veneverseen,(3)youaretakenmoreseriouslyifyouprefaceyourcommentsbysomeself-effacingremark–butonly ifyourlistener perceives you as higher on the totem pole. If you’re lower, your self-effacingremarkreducesyourcredibility.Complicated,thiscomplimentingstuff.Rather than dizzying ourselveswith the surfeit of specific studies, let’s just
put some terrific techniques in our little bag of tricks. Each of the followingmeetsallthecriteriaofsocialscientists’findings.Herearenineeffectivewaystopraiseinthenewmillennium.
Dependontheirkeensenseofrumour
The risk in giving a compliment face-to-face is, of course, that the distrustfulrecipientwill assume you are indulging in shameless obsequious pandering toachieveyourowngreedygoals.It’sasad realityaboutcompliments. Ifyou layabigoneoutof theblueon
your boss, your prospect, or your sweetie, the recipient will probably thinkyou’rebrown-nosing.Yourmainsqueezewillassumeyou’resufferingguiltoversomethingyou’vedone.Sowhat’sthesolution?Holdbackyoursincereesteem?No, simplydeliver it through thegrapevine.Thegrapevinehas longbeen a
trustedmeansofcommunication.FromthedayswhenCatskillscomicsinsistedthebestwaystospreadnewswere‘telephone,telegraph,andtell-a-woman,’wehaveknownitworks.Unfortunatelythegrapevineismostoftenassociatedwithbad news, the kind that goes in one ear and over the back fence. But thegrapevineneednotbeladenonlywithgossipandsourgrapes.Goodnewscantravelthroughthesamefilament.Andwhenitarrivesintherecipient’sear,itisall the more delectable. This is not a new discovery. Back in 1732, ThomasFullerwrote, ‘He’smy friend that speakswell ofme behindmy back.’We’remore apt to trust someone who says nice things about us when we aren’tlisteningthansomeonewhoflattersustoourface.
No-riskpraise(doitbehindtheirback)
Insteadoftellingsomeonedirectlyofyouradmiration,tellsomeonewhoisclosetothepersonyouwishtocompliment.Forinstance,supposeyouwanttobeinthegoodgracesofJaneSmith.Don’tdirectlycomplimentJane.GotohercloseassociateDianeDoeandsay, ‘Youknow, Jane isaverydynamicwoman.She
said something so brilliant in the meeting the other day. Someday she’ll berunning this company.’ Iplace ten-to-oneoddsyour commentwillgetback toJane via the grapevine in twenty-four hours. Diane will tell her friend, ‘Youshouldhearwhatso’n’sosaidaboutyoutheotherday.’
Technique51:
GrapevinegloryA compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. Apricelesswaytopraiseisnotbytelephone,notbytelegraph,butbytell-a-friend. This way you escape possible suspicion that you are an apple-polishing, bootlicking, egg-sucking, back-scratching sycophant trying towinbrownie points.You also leave recipientswith the happy fantasy thatyouaretellingthewholeworldabouttheirgreatness.
WhenyougaveGrapevineGlory to Jane,Diane became the carrier pigeon ofthat compliment.Which leadsus to thenext techniquewhereyou become thecarrierpigeonofotherpeople’scompliments.
Bringjoytotheworldlikethebravelittlebirdies
Carrier pigeons have a long and valiant history. The dauntless wingedmessengers,oftenmaimedbyshellfireanddyingafterdeliveringtheirmessages,havesavedthelivesofthousands.OnetenaciouslittlebirdnamedCherAmiiscreditedwithsaving200livesduringtheBattleoftheArgonneinWorldWarI.The brave one-legged little birdie, one of his wings shot through, carried amessagedanglingfromhisremainingligament.Theblood-smearedlittleballoffeathersarrived just in time towarn that theGermanswereabout tobomb thecity.Stumpy Joe, another plucky pigeon, had such a heroic battle-scarred career
thathisfansstuffedhim,mountedhim,andputhimondisplayintheNationalAir ForceMuseum in Dayton, Ohio. And millions of other brave birds havebrought joyfulmessages to racing-pigeonenthusiastsaround theworld. In thatfine tradition, I present the complimenting technique I call Carrier PigeonKudos.Whenever you hear a laudatory comment about someone, don’t let it end
there.Youdon’tneedtowriteit,rollitupinacapsule,strapittoyourleglikeStumpy Joe, and fly it to the recipient. Nevertheless, you can remember thekudosandverballycarry it to thepersonwhowillget themostpleasure– thepersonwhowascomplimented.Keep your ears open for good things people say about each other. If your
colleague Carl says something nice about another colleague, Sam, pass it on.‘Youknow,Sam,Carlsaidthenicestthingaboutyoutheotherday.’Yoursistertellsyouyourfirstcousinisadynamiterelative.Goaheadandcall
Cuz’.YourmothertellsyoushethinksDaviddidagreatjobmowingthelawn.Pass
itontohim.Hey,wealllikealittleappreciation,evenfromMum.
Here’swhereitbenefitsyou.Everyonelovesthebearerofgladtidings.Whenyou bring someone third-party kudos, they appreciate you as much as thecomplimenter.Callitgossipifyoulike.Thisisthegoodkind.
Technique52:
CarrierpigeonkudosPeople immediately grow a beak and metamorphosize themselves intocarrierpigeonswhenthere’sbadnews.(It’scalledgossip.)Instead,becomea carrier of good news and kudos. Whenever you hear somethingcomplimentaryaboutsomeone,flytothemwiththecompliment.Yourfansmaynotposthumouslystuffyouandputyouondisplay inamuseumlikeStumpyJoe.ButeveryonelovestheCarrierPigeonofkindthoughts.
Carrymorecargothancompliments
Anotherway towarmhearts andwin friends is tobecomea carrier pigeonofnews items thatmight interest the recipient. Call,mail, or e-mail peoplewithinformationtheymightfindinteresting.IfyourfriendNedisafurnituredesignerin North Carolina and you see a big article in the Los Angeles Times aboutfurnituretrends,faxittohim.IfyourclientSallyisasculptorinSeattleandyouseeherworkinsomeone’shomeinNewYork,sentheranote.Ihaveafriend,Dan,inSanFranciscowho,wheneverherunsacrossanything
inthepaperoncommunications,clipsitandsendsittome.Nonote,just‘FYI–Regards, Dan’ in the corner. He’s like my own private West Coast clippingservice.Tryit.Thinkofthemoneyyou’llsaveongreetingcards.Arelevantclipping
istheBigWinner’swayofsaying,‘I’mthinkingofyouandyourinterests.’
‘Myexaltedopinionofyoujustslippedout’
Here’syetanothercaress forsomeone’sego.Don’tgiveablatantcompliment.Merely imply somethingmagnificent aboutyourConversationPartner.Severalmonthsago,IwasvisitinganoldfriendinDenverwhomIhadn’tseeninalongtime.Whenhecame tomyhotel topickmeup,hesaid, ‘Hello,Leil,howareyou?’Then he paused, looked atme, and said, ‘You’ve obviously beenwell.’Wow,Ifeltterrific.HeimpliedIlookedgoodandthatmademyevening.GuesstheGoodLorddecidedIshouldn’thavetooswollenahead,however,
because later thatevening,aftermyfrienddroppedmeoff, Igot into thehotelelevator.Amaintenancemanenteredatthethirdfloor.Hesmiledatme.Ismiledback.Helookedatmeagainandsaid,‘Gosh,ma’am,wasyouamodel?’(Oh,man,was I feeling on top of theworld now!) ‘…when youwas young? ’ hecontinued.CRASH!Whycouldn’thehavezippedhislipbeforethezinger?Ilovedthe
implicationinthefirstpartofhiscomment.ButthesecondimpliedIwasnowanoldlady.Ruinedmynextday.Heck,hisunintentionallowblowruinedmyweek.InfactIstillfeelwretchedaboutit.You have to be careful of unintentional bad implications. If, visiting a new
city,youstopsomeoneon thestreetandsay, ‘Excuseme,couldyou tellmeifthereareanyfinediningrestaurantsnearby?’youareimplyingthepasserbyisapersonoftaste.If,however,youaskthatsamepasserby,‘Hey,knowanydownanddirtybarsinthisburg?’yourimplicationisentirelydifferent.Findawaytoimplymagnificentqualitiesofthoseyouwishtoindirectlycompliment.
Technique53:
Impliedmagnificence
Throwa fewcomments intoyour conversation thatpresuppose somethingpositiveaboutthepersonyou’retalkingwith.Butbecareful.Don’tblowitlikethewell-intentionedmaintenanceman.Orthesouthernboywho,attheprom,thoughthewasflatteringhisdatewhenhetoldher,‘Gosh,MaryLou,forafatgalyoudancerealgood.’
Beanundercovercomplimenter
Next in our agglomeration of joy spreaders is a technique I call AccidentalAdulation.Once,atasmalldinnerparty,thesubjectturnedtospacetravel.Thegentleman seated tomy right said, ‘Leil, you’remuch tooyoung to rememberthis,butwhenApollo11landedonthemoon…’Ifmylifedependedonit,Icouldn’ttellyouwhatthechapsaidnext.Isimply
remembersmilingtomyselfandstretchingtogetaglimpseofmyyouthfulselfinthedining-roommirror.OfcourseIrememberJuly1969.Liketherestoftheworld,IwasgluedtothetelevisionwatchingNeilArmstrong’ssize9½Bboothitthemoon.However,Icertainlywasnotthinkingofmoontravelatthatdinnerparty.Iwastoobusyrevelinginthefactthatthislovelymandidn’tthinkIwasold enough to remember1969. I assumedhis opinionofmyyouthfulness justslippedout.Thereforeitmustbesincere.Sure!NowthatIthinkaboutit,heprobablyknewdarnwellIwasoldenough
to remember the moon landing. I bet he was using the manoeuvre I callAccidentalAdulation.Butitdoesn’tmatter.Mywarmmemoriesofhimremain.Accidental Adulation is slipping praise into the secondary part of your point,puttingitinverbalparentheses.
Tryit.You’lllikeit.They’llloveit.
TryAccidentalAdulationandseesmilesbreakoutonthefacesoftherecipients.Tell your sixty-five-year-old uncle: ‘Anyone as fit as you would have zippedright up those steps, but boy,was I out of breath.’ Tell a colleague: ‘Becauseyou’resoknowledgeableincontractlaw,youwouldhavereadbetweenthelines,butstupidly,Isignedit.’
Yourunthedanger,ofcourse,thatyouwillpleasetherecipientsoprofoundlywithyourparentheticalpraise,heorshewon’thearyourmainpoint.
Technique54:
AccidentaladulationBecome an undercover complimenter. Stealthily sneak praise into theparentheticalpartofyoursentence.Justdon’ttrytoquizanyonelateronyourmainpoint.Thejoyfuljoltof
your accidental adulation strikes them temporarily deaf to anything thatfollows.
So far we have explored four covert compliments:Grapevine Glory, CarrierPigeon Kudos, Implied Magnificence, and Accidental Adulation. There aretimes,ofcourse,whenblatantpraisedoeswork.Thenexttechniqueswillhoneyourskillsinthisprecariousbutrewardingventure.
Knock’emoutinthefirstround
Wouldyouliketohavealittletrickupyoursleevepotentenoughtokickstartcommerce,igniteafriendshiporevenaloveaffair?I’llgiveyouone,butonlyifyou heed itswarning label.Youmust register your tongue as a lethalweapononceyou’vemasteredthefollowingtechnique.It’scalledtheKillerCompliment.Itwasbornonenightsomeyearsagoaftermythen-roommateChristineandI
had just returnedhomefromaholidayparty.Aswewere takingoffourcoats,shehadasillysmileonherfaceandafarawaylookinhereye.‘Christine,areyouOK?’Iasked.‘Ohyes,’shepurred.‘I’mgoingtogooutwiththatman.’‘Man?Whatman?’‘Oh,youknow,’ shesaid,chastisingme fornotknowing, ‘theonewho told
meIhadbeautifulteeth.’Teeth!ThatnightIhappenedtowalkbythebathroomdoorasChristinewasgetting
readyforbed.Isawhergrinningatherself in themirror, tiltingherheadfromsidetoside,andbrushingeachindividualtooth.Allthewhileshekepthereyesglued to the mirror inspecting each one for the beauty her new admirercommented on. I realized the fellow who had given Christine the unusualcomplimenthadmadeherday–andhadmadeakillerimpressiononher.ThustheKillerComplimentcameintobeing.WhatistheKillerCompliment?Itiscommentingonsomeverypersonaland
specificqualityyouspotinsomeone.AKillerComplimentisnot‘Ilikeyourtie’or‘You’reaveryniceperson.’(Thefirstisnotpersonalenoughandthesecondisnotspecificenough.)AKillerCompliment ismorelike‘Whatexquisiteeyesyouhave,’ (very specific)or ‘Youhaveawonderful airofhonestyaboutyou’(verypersonal).
Because delivering your first Killer Compliment is difficult, I trick myseminarparticipants intopullingitoff.Aboutmidwaythroughtheprogramme,I’llaskthemtoclosetheireyesandthinkaboutapartnertheyhadinanearlierexercise.Then I say, ‘Nowrecalloneattractivephysicalqualityorpersonalitytraityouobservedinyourpartner.Notoneyouwouldnecessarilycommenton,’I caution. ‘Perhaps your partner had a lovely smile or a twinkle in her eye.Perhapsheexudedasenseofcalmorcredibility.Gotitinyourmind?’Then the thunderbolt: ‘OK,nowgo findyourpartnerand tell them thenice
quality you noticed.’ ‘What?Tell them?’ The thought paralyzes them.One byone, however, they courageously seek their partners and deliver their KillerCompliments.Aspeoplehearastranger tell themtheyhavebeautifulhandsorpenetratingbrowneyes,joyfillstheroom.Laughterexplodesineverycorner.Iam now looking out at a sea of smiles and happy blushes. Everyone lovesreceivinghisorherpersonalKillerCompliment.Andeveryonedevelopsfriendlyfeelingstowardthegiver.
Technique55:
ThekillercomplimentWheneveryouare talkingwitha strangeryou’d like tomakepartofyourprofessional or personal future, search for one attractive, specific, anduniquequalityheorshehas.Attheendoftheconversation,lookthemrightintheeye.Saytheirname
andproceedtocurltheirtoeswiththeKillerCompliment.
Thekillercomplimentuser’smanual
Just like a cannon, if you don’t use the Killer Compliment correctly, it canbackfire.Here’stheuser’smanualthatcomeswiththemightymissile.Rule1:DeliveryourKillerComplimenttotherecipientinprivate.Ifyouare
standingwithagroupoffourorfivepeopleandyoupraiseonewomanforbeingfit, every otherwoman feels like a barrel of lard. If you tell oneman he haswonderful carriage, every other feels like a hunchback. You also make theblushingrecipientuncomfortable.Rule2:MakeyourKillerComplimentcredible.Forexample,I’mtone-deaf.If
I’mforcedtosingevenasimplesonglike‘HappyBirthday,’Isoundlikeasick
pig.Ifanyoneinearshotwerefoolishenoughtotellmetheylikedmyvoice,I’dknowitwashogwash.Rule3:ConferonlyoneKillerCompliment per half year on each recipient.
Otherwiseyoucomeacrossasinsincere,grovelling,obsequious,pandering,andathoroughlymanipulativeperson.Notcool.With careful aim, theKiller Compliment captures everyone. It works best,
however, when you use it judiciously on new acquaintances. If you want topraisefriendseveryday,employthenexttechnique.
Itty-bittyboosters
In contrast to the big guns of Killer Compliments for strangers, and theTombstone Game for loved ones, which we will learn shortly, here’s a littlepeashooteryoucanpopoffatanyone,anytime.IcallitLittleStrokes.LittleStrokesareshort,quickkudosyoudrop intoyourcasualconversation.
MakeliberaluseofLittleStrokeswithyourcolleaguesintheoffice:
‘Nicejob,John!’‘Welldone,Kyoto!’‘Hey,notbad,Billy!’
IhaveonefriendwhousesalovelyLittleStroke.IfIdosomethinghelikes,hesays,‘Nottooshabby,Leil.’YoucanalsouseLittleStrokes on theeverydayachievementsofyour loved
ones. If your spouse just cooked a greatmeal,’ ‘Wow, you’re the best chef intown.’Justbeforegoingouttogether,‘Gee,honey,youlookgreat.’Afteralongdrive, ‘Youdid it! Itmusthavebeen tiring.’Withyourkids, ‘Hey,gang,greatjobcleaningupyourroom.’I once read a poignantReader’sDigest article about a little girl who often
misbehaved.Hermother had to continually reprimand her.However, one day,thelittlegirlhadbeenespeciallygoodandhadn’tdoneasinglethingthatcalledfor a reprimand. The mother said, ‘That night after I tucked her in bed andstarteddownstairs,Iheardamufflednoise.Runningbackup,Ifoundherheadburied in thepillow.Shewas sobbing.Between the sobs she asked, “Mummyhaven’tIbeenaprettygoodgirltoday?”’Thequestion,themothersaid,wentthroughherlikeaknife.‘Ihadbeenquick
tocorrecther,’shesaid,‘whenshewaswrong.Butwhenshetriedtobehave,I
hadn’tnoticeditandIputhertobedwithoutonewordofappreciation.’Adults are all grown-up little girls and little boys. We may not go to bed
sobbingifthepeopleinourlivesdon’tnoticewhenwearegood.Nevertheless,atraceofthosetearslingers.
Technique56:
LittlestrokesDon’tmakeyourcolleagues,yourfriends,yourlovedoneslookatyouandsilentlysay,‘Haven’tIbeenprettygoodtoday?’LetthemknowhowmuchyouappreciatethembycaressingthemwithverbalLittleStrokeslike‘Nicejob!’‘Welldone!’‘Cool!’
Littlethingsmeanalot
LittleStrokesareindeed,little.Butaseverywomanknows,theymeanalot.I’veyet tomeet awomanwhowouldn’t agreewith these lyrics from an old songsungbyKittyKallen:
Blowmeakissfromacrosstheroom.SayIlooknicewhenI’mnot.Touchmyhairasyoupassmychair.Littlethingsmeanalot.
SendmethewarmthofasecretsmileToshowmeyouhaven’tforgot.Foralwaysandever,nowandforever,Littlethingsmeanalot.
To further complicate the art of the compliment, onemust consider timing.Blatant,barefaced,brazenflatteryturnsallbuttheblindestegomaniacsoff.Butthehumananimalnever fails toamazeobservers.Therearemomentswhen, ifyou don’t give a blatant, barefaced, brazen compliment – even to a brightindividual–youlose.Thefollowingtechniquedefinesthosemoments.
Toolittle,toolate
I’llneverforgetthefirsttimeIgavealuncheonspeechinfrontofstrangers.I’dpractisedforthestuffedanimalsonmybedandmyroommateChristine,butthiswasmydebutinfrontofarealaudience.As I shakily got to my feet, I looked out at seventeen smiling Rotarians
waitingformywordsofwitandwisdom.Mytonguewasdryaschalkdust,mypalms as wet as a fish. The audience might as well have been seventeenthousandjudgeswaitingtosentencemetoeternalhumiliationifIdidn’tinformand entertain each. I gave a last panic-stricken glance at Christine, who haddrivenme to theclub, andbegan, ‘Goodafternoon. Itgivesmegreatpleasure…’Thirtyminuteslater,amidstscatteredapplausewhichIfearedwasobligatory,
I crawled back tomy seat next to Christine. I looked expectantly at her. Shesmiledandsaid,‘Youknowthisdessertisn’tbad.Havesome.’Dessert? ‘Dessert!Dammit,Christine,howdid Ido?’ I silently screamedat
her. A fewminutes later Christine told me howmuch she and, she assumed,everyoneelseenjoyedmytalk.Nevertheless,bythenitwastoolate.Thecrucialcompliment-cravingmomenthadpassed.
Quickasahiccup,youmustcomplimentNOW
When the doctor sadistically smacks your knee with that nasty little rubberhammer, you instantly give a knee jerk. Andwhen peoplemake a coup, youmustinstantlyhitthemwithaknee-jerk‘Wow,youweregreat!’Saythey’vejustsuccessfullynegotiatedadeal,cookedaterrificThanksgiving
turkey, or sung a solo song at the birthday party. No matter whether theiraccomplishmentistrivialortriumphant,youmustpraiseitimmediately–notten
minutes later, not two minutes later – immediately. The moment the winnerwalksoutoftheboardroom,thekitchen,thespotlight,there’sonlyonesoundthevictorwantstohear:‘WOW!’
Technique57:
Theknee-jerk‘wow!’Quickasablink,youmustpraisepeoplethemomenttheyafinishafeat.Inawink,likeaknee-jerkreactionsay,‘Youwereterrific!’Don’tworrythattheywon’tbelieveyou.Theeuphoriaofthemomenthas
astrangelynumbingeffectontheachiever’sobjectivejudgment.
Butwhatiftheyreallybombed?
‘Areyouaskingme to lie?’youask.Yes.Absolutely,positively, resoundingly,YES.Thisisoneofthefewmomentsinlifewherealieiscondonedbythemostethical individuals. Big Winners realize that sensitivity to an insecureperformer’segotakesmomentaryprecedenceovertheirdeepcommitmenttothetruth.Theyalsoknow,whensanityreturnstotherecipientandtheysuspecttheyscrewed up, it won’t matter. He or she will retroactively appreciate yoursensitivityandforgiveyourcompassionatefalsehood.We’vetalkedalotaboutgivingcompliments,bothcovertandovert.Nowlet’s
talkaboutaskillthat,formany,isevenharder–receivingthem.
Anationalweakness
I would like to dedicate the following technique to my French friends whocontend the French are better at everything. Well, I concede one point. TheFrenchare,indeed,betteratreceivingcompliments.I’llexplainhowshortly.Americans, unfortunately, are beastly at accepting adulation. If someone
complimentsyouandyoureactclumsilyoutofembarrassment,youunwittinglystartaviciouscycle.Afriendventuresacompliment:
He:(smiling)‘Hey,that’sanicedressyou’rewearing.’She:(frowning)‘Oh,thisoldthing?’He: (thinking) ‘Whoops, she didn’t seem to like hearing that. She thinks I
haveterribletastetolikethatdress.I’dbetterkeepmymouthshut.’Threeweekslater…She: (thinking grumpily) ‘He doesn’t ever give me compliments anymore.
Whataboor!’He:(thinkinggloomily)‘What’sherproblem?’
‘Girlsdon’tlikewhat?’
Several months ago in one of my seminars, the group was discussingcompliments.Onefellowinsistedthat‘Girlsdon’tlikecompliments.’‘Girlsdon’tlikewhat?’Iaskedincredulously.He explained, ‘I once told a woman she had beautiful eyes. And she said,
“Boy,areyoublind.”Thepoorchapwassowoundedbyherreaction,hebecamegun-shyandhadnotaimedacomplimentata femalesince.Whatashameforwomankindandwhatablightonhissocialskills.
Uponreceivingacompliment,manypeopledemurorprofferanembarrassedlittle ‘Thank you.’Worse, they protest, ‘Well, not really but thanks anyway.’Somepeople toss itoffwith, ‘just luck.’Whenyou react thisway,youvisit agraveinjusticeonthecomplimenter.Youinsultawell-meaningperson’spowersofperception.
‘Vousêtesgentil’
Leave it to French folks to come up with a congenial catchall phrase. Uponreceivingacompliment, theysay, ‘Vousêtesgentil.’Loosely translated, that is‘Howkindofyou.’AnAmerican saying ‘Howkind of you’ could sound stilted – like the little
flowergirlinMyFairLadytryingtobecultured.Nevertheless,wecanexpresstheFrenchgentilsentimentwithatechniqueIcallBoomeranging.Whenyoutossaboomerang,itmakesanalmost180-degreeswerveinmidair,
andsoarsbacktolandatthefeetofthethrower.Likewise,whensomeonetossesacomplimentyourway,letthegoodfeelingssoarbacktothetosser.Don’tjustsay‘Thanks.’(Orworse,‘Ohit’snothing.’)Letthemknowofyourgratitudeandfindawaytocomplimentthemfortheircompliment.Afewexamples:
Shesays,‘Ilikethoseshoes.’Yousay,‘OhI’msohappyyoutoldme.Ijustgotthem.’Hesays, ‘You reallydidagood jobon thisproject.’Yousay, ‘Oh, that’s so
niceofyoutotellme.Iappreciateyourpositivefeedback.’
YoucanalsoBoomerangthegoodfeelingsbackwhenpeopleaskyouaquestionaboutyourfamily,aproject,anevent,oranythingthatshowstheyareinterestedinyou.
Yourcolleagueasks,‘HowwasyourvacationinHawaii?’Youanswer,‘Oh,yourememberedIwenttoHawaii!Itwasgreat,thanks.’
Yourbossasks,‘Areyouoveryourcoldnow?’Youanswer,‘Iappreciateyourconcern.Ifeelmuchbetternow.’
Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the form of acomplimentorconcernedquestion,reflectitbackontheshiner.
Technique58:
BoomerangingJust as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let complimentsboomerang right back to the giver. Like the French, quickly murmursomethingthatexpresses‘That’sverykindofyou.’
Incidently, in that seminar, I decided to do womankind a favour by settingmalekindstraightoncomplimentsonceandforall.Iaskedthefellowwhosworewomenhatedpraisetogivethreewomensittingnearhimasincerecompliment.Hechosethewomanwith‘thebeautifulsilverhairsittingbehindhim,’thegirlwiththe‘handslikeapianist’tohisleft,andtheladywith‘thelovelydeep-blueeyes’onhisright.Hetoldthemall.Threewomenwaltzedoutof theroomthatnight feelinga littlebetterabout
themselvesthanwhentheywalkedin.And,Ihope,forallthewomenhewouldyetmeetinhislife,onemanleftwithachangedattitudeaboutcompliments.As we come to the end of our exploration of praise, I want to make sure
you’re aiming dead centre for people’s hearts. Whether you’re giving littleCarrier Pigeon Kudos or laying a Killer Compliment on your ConversationPartner,thisnexttechniquekeepsyouontarget.
Theultimatepraiseforsomeonenearanddear
Do you remember when you were a kid the hundreds of times our parents’friendsasked,‘Andwhatdoyouwanttobewhenyougrowup?’Thatwasourcuetoregaleouradoringaudiencewithdreamsofbeingaballerina,afirefighter,anurse, a cowboy,or amovie star.Well,mostofour liveswoundupbeingalittle closer to butcher, baker, or candlestick maker. Nevertheless, we all stillhavefantasiesofourowngreatness.Eventhoughmostofuscashedinourchildhooddreamsofbeingthestarwe
thoughtwe’dbe(sowecouldmakesomemoney),weallknowthatdeepdownwearevery,very,veryspecial.Wesaytoourselves,‘Maybetheworldwilllittlenotenorlongrememberhowbrilliant,howwonderful,howwitty,howcreativeorcaringIreallyam.However, thosewho trulyknowandloveme–theywillrecognize my greatness, my magic, my specialness over all other ordinarymortals.’Whenwe find people with the supernatural powers of perception torecognize our remarkableness,we become addicted to the heady drug of theirappreciation.Praising someone you know and love requires a different set of skills from
complimenting a stranger. The formula to bring someone even closer to youpersonallyorprofessionallyfollows.IcallittheTombstoneGame.Itrequiresalittlesetup.StepOne: In a quietmoment chattingwith your friend, your loved one, or
yourbusinesspartner,tellhimorheryouwerereadingsomethingtheotherdayabout,ofall things, tombstones! ‘Thepiecewasabout,’yousay, ‘whatpeoplefantasize inscribed above their grave after they die.’ You learned that peoplewant thequality theyaremostproudof in lifeetchedinstone.Thensay,‘Thevarietyissurprising.Everyonehasadifferentself-image,adifferentdeepsourceofpride.’Examples:
HereliesJohnDoe.Hewasabrilliantscientist.HereliesDianeSmith.Shewasacaringwoman.HereliesBillyBucks.Bygolly,hecouldmakepeoplelaugh.HereliesJaneWilson.Shespreadjoywherevershewent.HereliesHarryJones.Helivedlifehisway.
Step Two: Reveal to your partner what you would like carved on yourtombstone. Be serious about your revelation to encourage him or her to dolikewise.StepThree:Now,youpopthequestion,‘Youknow,Joe,whenallissaidand
done, what are you most proud of?What would you like the world to mostremember about you?Whatwould youwant theworld to see carved on yourtombstone?’PerhapsyourbusinesspartnerJoesays,‘Well,IguessI’dsortoflikepeopleto
know that I’mamanofmyword.’Listencarefully. Ifheexpoundson it, takenoteofeverynuance.Thenfileitawayinyourheartanddon’tsayawordaboutitagain.Joewillforgetyoueverplayedthetombstonegamewithhim.StepFour:Letatleastthreeweekspass.Then,wheneveryouwanttoimprove
the relationship, feed the information back to your partner in the form of acompliment.Say‘Joe,youknowthereasonIreallyappreciatebeinginbusinesswithyouisbecauseyou’reamanofyourword.’WOW, that hits Joe like a 747 out of the sky. ‘Finally,’ he says to himself,
‘someonewhoappreciatesmeforwhoIreallyam.’Tellinghimyouadmirehimfor the same reason he admires himself has an impact on Joe like no othercomplimentintheworld.Now,supposeyourfriendisBillyBucks,theonewhowantedhiswitcarved
onhistombstone.You’dsay,‘Billy,ol’buddy,you’reterrific.Ilovesya’causeyoucanreallymakepeoplelaugh.’
‘Iloveyoubecause…(youfillintheblank)’
Suppose your significant other is JaneWilson in the preceding example. Tellyourbeloved,‘Jane,Iloveyoubecauseyouspreadjoywhereveryougo.’SupposeyourlifepartnerisHarryJones.Youtakehishandandsay,‘Harry,I
loveyoubecauseyou live lifeyourway.’BLAM!Youhave found that tenderspotwheretheheartandtheegoblend.
Technique59:
ThetombstonegameAsk the important people in your life what they would like engraved ontheir tombstone. Chisel it into your memory but don’t mention it again.Then,whenthemomentisrighttosay‘Iappreciateyou’or‘Iloveyou,’filltheblankswiththeverywordstheygaveyouweeksearlier.Youtakepeople’sbreathawaywhenyoufeedtheirdeepestself-imageto
them in a compliment. ‘At last,’ they say to themselves, ‘someone wholovesmeforwhoItrulyam.’
TombstoneGame compliments arenot interchangeable.BillyBucksmight notappreciate your calling him aman of his word. Billy’s thing is humour. Janemight not value your thinking she lives life her way. Her source of pride isspreadingjoywherevershegoes.It’swonderful to tell people you appreciate or love them.When itmatches
whattheyappreciateorloveaboutthemselves,theeffectisoverpowering.
Hundredsofpeoplehaveformedimpressionsofyouthroughthatlittledeviceonyour desk, your bed table, your kitchenwall.And they’ve never actuallymetyou.They’veneverseenyoursmiles, feltyour frowns.They’venevergraspedyourhandorenjoyedyourhugs.They’veneverreadyourbodylanguageorseenhowyoudress.Everything they know about you came through tiny filaments,sometimesfromhundredsofmilesaway.Buttheyfeeltheyknowyoujustfromthesoundofyourvoice.That’showpowerfulthetelephoneis.Powerful,yes,butnotalwaysaccurate.ForyearsIdealtwithmytravelagent
onlybyphone.Rani,myfacelessagentwhomI’dnevermetinperson,gotmerock-bottom prices on airfares, cars, and hotels. But her snippy phonepersonalityreallytickedmeoff.AdozentimesIvowedtofindanotheragent.OneMondaymorningseveralyearsago,Ireceivedbadnewsandhadtobook
animmediateflighthomeforafamilyemergency.Therewasnotimetowaitinlineattheairport.SoIjumpedinacabandaskedthedrivertowaitinfrontofthetravelagencywhileIgrabbedticketsandaboardingpass.Like a lit fuse, I zipped into Rani’s agency for the first time. The woman
sitting at the front desk, seeingmy frenzied rush, sympathetically jumped up.Shegavemeareassuringsmileandaskedhowshecouldhelpme.AsIblitheredon about my need for an emergency ticket, she smiled, nodded, and lungedimmediatelyintoaction.‘Whataterrificlady!’I thoughtassheprintedout thetickets.Moments later,dartingoutgratefullygrasping the tickets inmyfist, Icalled
outovermyshoulder,‘Bytheway,what’syourname?’
‘Leil, I’mRani,’ she said. Iwhirledaroundandsawa thoroughlycongenialwoman with a big smile on her face waving to wish me a safe trip. I wasdumbfounded!WhyhadIpreviouslythoughtshewassosnippy?Raniwas,well,sonice.Sittingback in the cabon theway to the airport, I figured it all out.Rani’s
friendliness – her warm smile, her nods, her good eye contact, her bodylanguage, her ‘I’m here for you’ attitude – were all silent signals that didn’ttravel throughwires. I closedmy eyes and tried to remember the voice I hadheardmomentsago.Yes, itwasRani’ssamecrisp,curtpronunciation.ButherfriendlybodylanguagemadeherseemlikeadifferentpersonfromthebrusqueagentI’ddealtwithonthephone.Rani’sphonepersonalityandherdemeanourinpersonwerecompletelydifferentshows.Irealizedit’sthesamewithallofus.Yourpersonality,mine,andeveryone’s
could be likened to a show, a theatrical performance.Youwant tomake sureyours is a box-office smash, not a flop.The following ten techniqueswill getyourphonepersonalityravereviews.
Makeyourmannerfitthemedium
Ihaveafriend,Tina,whodesignedcostumesforanoff-off-Broadwayshowthatbecameasmashhitlastyear.Thetinyshowwassuchacriticalsuccess,itwontheheartofanangel–abacker–anditwenttoBroadway.Theretheshowlaidabigfategg.WhenIreadthebadnews,IcalledTina.‘Tina,whydidtheshowgetsuchbad
reviews on Broadway?’ Tina toldme that, sadly, the director didn’t insist theactorsandactresseschangetheirperformancestoadapttothenewsurroundings.Theactors’understatedmovements,whichmovedsmallaudiencesalternatelytolaughterandtears,werelostinthebigBroadwayhouse.Audiencescouldn’tseetheirsubtlegesturesandpoignantfacialexpressions.Tinatoldmetheperformersneglectedtomaketheirmovementsmuchbiggertofitthenewmedium.That excellent advice is not just for actors.Whenever you are talking, you
mustconsideryourmedium.Ifyourfacewereonabigmoviescreen,youmightgetyourmessageacrosswith awinkor an eyebrow raise.On radio, however,thatwouldbemeaningless.Becauselistenerscouldn’tseeyourwink,you’dhaveto say something like ‘Hi, Cutie.’ Because listeners couldn’t see your raisedeyebrows,you’dhavetosay,‘Wow,I’msurprised!’Your body language and facial expressions comprise more than half your
personality. When people don’t see you, they can get an entirely wrongimpressionasIdidwithRani.Togetyourpersonalityacrossonthephone,youmust translate your emotions into sound. In fact, you have to exaggerate thesoundbecausestudieshaveshownpeoplelose30percentoftheenergylevelintheirvoicesonthephone.Sayyoumeetan importantnewcontact tomorrow.Whenyou’re introduced,
youshakeherhand,youfullyfaceher.Youmakegood,strongeyecontactand
let a sincere smile flood over your face. You even nod and smile, listeningintentlyasshespeaks.Shelikesyoualot.ButhowgoodanimpressioncouldyoumakeonthatVIPifbothyouandshe
were blindfolded and the two of you had your hands tied behind your backs?That’sthehandicapyousufferonthephone.Ifshecouldn’tseeyou,you’dhavetosubstitutewordstoletherknowyou’re
agreeingorlistening.You’dhavetosomehowverbalizethatyou’resmilingandusehernamemoretoreplacetheeyecontact.You’dbeusingthetechniqueIcallTalkingGestures.Tomakeupforyourmissingeyecontact,punctuateyourphoneconversations
with ‘Uh huh’ or ‘I hear you.’ So your listener knows you’re nodding inapproval,verbalize‘Isee,’‘Ohthat’sgreat,’‘Nokidding,’‘Interesting,’and‘Tellmemore!’Shedidn’tseeyouhittingyourheadinsurprise?Bettersay‘Whatasurprise!’
or‘Youdon’tsay!’Hejustsaidsomethingimpressiveandhecan’tseeyourlookofadmiration?
Try‘Thatwaswiseofyou’or‘You’renodummy!’Ofcourse,youneedabigverbalsmileinyourrepertoire.Try‘Oh,wow,that’s
funny!’Obviouslyyou’re going to choosephrases thatmatchyour personalityandthesituation.Justmakesureyourphonelistenershearyouremotions.
Technique60:
TalkinggesturesThinkofyourselfasthestarofapersonalradiodramaeverytimeyoupickupthephone.Ifyouwanttocomeacrossasengagingasyouare,youmustturnyoursmilesintosound,yournodsintonoise,andallyourgesturesintosomethingyourlistenercanhear.Youmustreplaceyourgestureswithtalk.Thenpunchupthewholeact30percent!
Averbalcaress
Whenyou’renotsittingacrossfromeachotherrestingyourelbowsonthesamedesk,yourforksonthesametable,oryourheadsonthesamepillow,youneedasubstituteforintimacy.Howcanyoucreateclosenesswhenthetwoofyouarehundredsofmilesapart?Howcanyoumakethepersonyou’retalkingtoonthephonefeelspecialwhenyoucan’tpattheirback,orgivethemalittlehug?The answer is simple. Just use your caller’s name farmore often than you
wouldinperson.Infact,showeryourconversationswithhisorhername.Whenyourlistenerhearsit,it’slikereceivingaverbalcaress:
‘Thanks,Sam.’‘Let’sdoit,Betty.’‘Hey,Demetri,whynot?’‘It’sreallybeengoodtalkingtoyou,Kathi.’
Saying a person’s name too often in face-to-face conversation soundsmanipulative.However,onthephonetheeffectisdramaticallydifferent.Ifyouheardsomeonesayyourname,even ifyouwerebeing jostledaround inabignoisycrowd,you’dperkupandlisten.Likewise,whenyourphonepartnerhearshisorherownnamecomingthroughthereceiver,itcommandsattentionandre-createsthefamiliaritythephonerobsfromyou.Ifyourlistenerisdrifting,itbringshimrightback.Ifshe’sopeningmail,she
stops.Ifhe’spickinghis teeth,hepulls thepickout.Whenyousaysomeone’snameonthephone,it’slikeyankingthepersonintotheroomwithyou.
Technique61:
Nameshower
Peopleperkupwhen theyhear theirownname.Use itmoreoftenon thephonethanyouwouldinpersontokeeptheirattention.Yourcaller’snamere-createstheeyecontact,thecaress,youmightgiveinperson.Sayingsomeone’snamerepeatedlywhenface-to-facesoundspandering.
But because there is physical distance between you on the phone –sometimesyou’reacontinentapart–youcansprayyourconversationwithit.
WhowantstobeaCheshirecat?
Brr-ing!Nomatterwhetheryouheartheringintheboardroom,thebedroom,orthebathroom, self-styled telephoneexperts tell you, ‘Smilebefore answering.’Someprosevensuggestyouperchamirrorrightnexttoyourphonetomonitoryourgrin.Beenthere,donethat,doesn’twork.Oneevening,inthemiddleofmyweekly
mud-pack facial, the phone rang. The horror of seeing myself in the phonemirrormademyvoice as hideous asmy face. I immediately trashed the pro’sadvicealongwiththemirror.WhowantstosoundlikeadizzyPollyanna?Ano-brainCheshirecat?Alonelyreclusewhoselifeissodullthatthebigthrillofthedayisaphonecall?Anyphonecall?Fromanybody!BigWinnersdon’t smilebefore answering.Theyput a smile in their voices
after they hear who is on the line. That’s when it counts. Answer the phoneunemotionally, professionally. Say your name or the name of your company.Thenwhenyouhearwhoisontheline,thelittletrickistoletabigsmilefloodoveryourface.‘OhJoe, (smile) hownice to hear fromyou!’ ‘Sally, (smile) howare you?’
‘Bill,(smile)Iwashopingitwouldbeyou.’I have a friend, Steve, in Washington, D.C., who heads a major trade
association that lobbies onCapitolHill.Whenever I call Steve, I never knowwhich of his dozens of assistants is going to answer. Nevertheless, whoeveranswersgivesmethesamewarmresponse.Firsttheysay,‘CableTelecommunicationsAssociation,’theirname,and‘How
mayIdirectyourcall?’Nofakefriendliness.Noprefabsmilesintheirvoices.Iamsurethey’renotbeamingbackatthemselvesinanymirror.WhenIsay‘IsMrEffrosavailable?ThisisLeilLowndescalling,’that’swhen
they become superfriendly. ‘Oh yes,MsLowndes,’ they purr. ‘Definitely! Let
meputyourightthrough.’Wow,doesthatmakemefeelspecial!AsI’mwaitingforStevetocometothe
phone,Ifantasizehimsittingattheheadofalongmahoganytableinhisweeklystaffmeeting.Icanjusthearhiminstructinghisstaff,‘Nowif thepresidentorsome higher-ups in theWhiteHouse call, put them right through.Oh, and ofcourse,ifthatimportantwomanLeilLowndescalls,putherrightthrough,too.’While visiting Washington last year, I had lunch with Steve. I took the
opportunity to tell him what a pleasure it was to call his office and how Iappreciated his staff’s warm phone reception. I thanked him for familiarizingeachwithmynameandmentioningImightbecallingfromtimetotime.Stevelookedacrossthetableatmeandblinked.‘Leil,’hesaid,‘youteachtelephoneskills.Haven’tyoucaughton?’‘Huh?’‘Forgive me if I’m bursting a bubble,’ Steve said, ‘but everyone gets that
reception,nomatterwho’scalling.’‘Oh!’
Whenapainintheneckcalls
‘ButSteve,’IprotestedwhenI’drecuperatedfromtheinitialdisappointmentthatIwas a victimof a technique andnot aVIP, ‘what if the caller is unknown, acompletestranger?Surelyyourstaffersshouldn’tfaketheyknowthecaller.’‘Of course not, Leil. In that case, I instruct them to show energy and
enthusiasmoverthereasonthey’recalling.Forexample,supposethecallerisacableoperatorwantingtojoinourassociation.Thecallerwouldgetasmileandasincere,‘Ohyes,MrSmith,I’llputyourightthrough.’‘Yeah,butsupposethecallerissellingofficefurniture?’Ichallenged.‘Doesn’tmatter,’Stevesaid.‘Thesalespersongetsthesamereceptionafterthe
stafferhearswhyhe’scalling.Ifmystaffersayswarmly,“Oh,officefurniture!”thecallerfeelsgood.AndIfindthesalespersonisaloteasiertodealwithlater.’Itoldhim,‘OK,Steve,startingtomorrowmorning,I’mgoingtoputthat“Oh
wow,I’msohappyyoucalledforthatreason”attitudeinmyvoice.’Thenextmorning, the first callwasmydentist’soffice. ‘Ms.Lowndes, this
callistoremindyouyou’reoverdueforyoursix-monthcheckup.’‘Oh, of course, you’re so right,’ I cooed. ‘I’m so glad you called.’ The
receptionistsoundedsurprisedbutverypleasedatmyreaction.‘Ican’tbookan
appointment rightnow,’ I continued, ‘but I’ll call youas soonasmy schedulefreesup.’Shedidn’thasslemewithherusual‘Well,whendoyouexpectthattobe?’ She just hung up satisfied. (And I gotwhat Iwanted – no call frommydentist’sofficeforatleastanothersixmonths.)Thesecondtimethephonerang, itwasamanwhohadorderedmytapeset
calling tocomplain thatoneof the tapesbroke. ‘Ohmygoodness, I’msogladyou toldme about that,’ I saidwith the enthusiasmof havingwon the lottery.The caller sounded a little shocked, but obviouslypleased atmy reaction. ‘Ofcourse, I’ll get another set out to you and I hope you accept my apologies.’Callerhungupsatisfied.(AndIgotwhatIwanted–hisgoodwillandwordofmouthinspiteofmytapeduplicator’sblooper.)Thethirdcallwastougher.ThiswasfromavendorIhadcompletelyforgotten
topay. ‘Oh, I’msogladyou remindedmeof thatbill,’ I lied.Again, shockedpleasurewas the caller’s reaction. (Iwas probably the first creditor in historywhoeversoundedhappyshe’dcalled.)‘InthebackofmymindIfelttherewasonebillIhadoverlooked.I’mwritingthechequeaswespeak.’ThenIgotmyreward.Thedunnersaid,‘Bytheway,don’tworryaboutthe2
percentpermonthlate-paymentcharge.Aslongaswegetyourchequebytheendoftheweek,itwillbeOK.’Shehunguphappy.(AndIgotapresent–nofinancechargesinspiteofmyoversight.)Andsoitwentthroughouttherestoftheday, therestoftheweek,andever
since.Tryit.You’llfindyougetalotmorefromanyonewhenyousmile,afteryou find out who it is or why they’re calling. Use the ‘Oh Wow, It’s You’techniqueonalmosteverycall.
Technique62:
Ohwow,it’syou!Don’tanswerthephonewithan‘I’mjustsooohappyallthetime’attitude.Answerwarmly,crisply,professionally.Then,afteryouhearwhoiscalling,letahugesmileofhappinessengulfyourentirefaceandspilloverintoyourvoice.Youmakeyourcallerfeelasthoughyourgiantwarmfuzzysmileisreservedforhimorher.
‘No,no,aaaaaagh,notthescreen!’
Picture a torture device called The Screen. The mad scientist, laughingmaniacally,forcesthevictimintoagiantmeatgrinderthatmasheshimthroughaheavy-metal screen. It slices his body into a million molecules before he’sreconstitutedontheotherside.Beingscreenedwhenyoucallsomeone’sofficeistheemotionalversionofthatordeal.Youplaceyourcoldcall.‘MayIspeaktoMrJones?’youpleasantlyask.‘Who’s calling?’ a haughty voice responds. Of course, your name is not
prestigiousenoughforthescreenertograntyoutheexaltedstatusofspeakingtoJones.Herruthlessinterrogationcontinues,‘Andwhatcompanyareyouwith?’You
submityourcompany’sname,prayingitwillscorewithher.Andthentotopitoff,shehastheplucktoask,‘Andwhat’sthisinreferenceto?’Aaaaaagh!Severalweeksaftermy luncheonwithSteve, Ihad theoccasion tocallhim
again.‘IsSteveEffrosavailable?ThisisLeilLowndescalling.’‘Oh yes, Ms Lowndes, definitely. Let me put you right through.’ I start
humminghappilyasIwaitforStevetocometotheline.A moment later his assistant came back and said sympathetically, ‘I’m so
sorryMs Lowndes. Steve just stepped out to lunch. I know he’ll be sorry hemissedyour call.’Meanwhile, I’mstill smiling.Do I suspect thatStevedidn’t‘juststepout to lunch’?DoIsuspecthe’ssittingright there?DoIever, inmywildestparanoiddreams,thinkhedoesn’thavethetimeorinclinationtotalktome?DoIfeelscreened?Noway!I’mashappyasacarefreekittenasIleavemynumberforacallback.Yousee,IhaveprobablyfallenfortheSneakyScreen.
Technique63:
Thesneakyscreen
Ifyoumustscreenyourcalls,instructyourstafftofirstsaycheerfully,‘Ohyes,I’llputyourightthrough.MayItellherwho’scalling?’Ifthepartyhasalreadyidentifiedhimself,it’s‘Ohofcourse,MrWhoozit.I’llputyourightthrough.’WhenthesecretarycomesbackwiththebadnewsthatMrorMsBigwig
isunavailable,callersdon’ttakeitpersonallyandneverfeelscreened.Theyfallforiteverytime.JustlikeIdid.
Thepowerbehindthephone
I know a secret about a Big Cat who owns an international hotel chain withproperties in six countries. He hires and fires thousands, awards or pullsimmensecontracts,borrowsfrommajorfinancialinstitutions,andmakeslavishcontributionstocharities.MrBigCat(we’llcallhim‘Ed’)hasarespectedandimmediatelyrecognizablenameinhis industry.Andhere’s thesecret:MrsBigCatistherealbrainsbehindtheoperation.IbecamefriendswithMrsBigCat(we’llcallher‘Sylvia’)whenIdidsome
consulting for her husband’s organization. Sylvia invited me to tea oneafternoon.Shesweetlyapologizedthatthiswas‘maid’sdayoff’sowe’dhavetofendforourselves.Aswehappilyperchedonthepatioandwereabouttodiveintoourteaandcrumpets,thephonerang.Sheexcusedherselftoanswerit.I heardMrs Big Cat say, ‘No, I’m sorry, he’s not in. Shall I tell himwho
called?…No,Idon’tknowwhenheisplanningonreturning,butifyougivemeyournameand…No,IsaidIdon’tknowwhattimehe’llbeback…Yes,I’lltellhimyoucalled.’AsSylviareturnedtothepatio,Icouldshewasannoyedbythecall.Always
onthelookoutforagoodphonestory,Iventuredaquestioninglook.Picking up onmy curiosity, she said, ‘That fool thinks he’s going to get a
contribution fromEd.Ha!’she laughedwryly.Hercandouremboldenedme toask hermore. It turns out the caller, aMr Creighton, was a fund-raiser for amajorcharityEdwasconsideringcontributingto.MyhostesssaidCreightonhadcalledtwiceinthepasttwoweekswhenEdwasout.‘Andnotoncedidhegreetme, askhow Iwas,or apologize for thedisturbance.’ThisdidnotpleaseMrsBigCat.
WasitamajorirritationforMrs.BigCat?No,onlyminor.Butdiditmeanamajorlossforthelittlecatwhocalled?Itsuredid.InEdandSylvia’sBigCathousehold, subtleties count.At thedinner table,MrsBigCat could say toherhusband,‘AverynicemannamedCreightoncalledforyoutoday,dear.’Orshemightsay,‘AratherirritatingchapnamedCreightoncalledforyoutoday.’Onecommentor theothercouldmeanmillionswonor lostbyCreighton’scharity.AndallbecauselittlecatCreightonmildlyruffledMrsBigCat’swhiskers.
Technique64:
SalutethespouseWhenever you are calling someone’s home, always identify and greet thepersonwhoanswers.Wheneveryoucallsomeone’sofficemorethanonceortwice, make friends with the secretary. Anybody who is close enough toanswerthephoneiscloseenoughtoswaytheVIP’sopinionofyou.Homeadvice:SalutetheSpouse.Officeadvice:SalutetheSecretary.
AsurprisingnumberofBigCatspouses–andsecretaries–havedeepclawsintoimportant business decisions. When it comes to hiring time, firing time,promoting time, or buying time,many spouses have a say.When it comes towhosecallsgetthrough,whoseproposalsgetputonthetopoftheboss’sdesk,whogetsluncheonappointmentsmade,secretaries’opinionscount!Onlyfoolishcallersdon’trealizeallspousesandsecretarieshavenames.All
spousesandsecretarieshavelives.Allspousesandsecretarieshavefeelings.Allspousesandsecretarieshaveinfluence.Dealaccordingly.
‘Areyoured,yellow,orgreen?’
WhenAlexanderGrahamBellinventedthephone,heandhiscomradeshadnouse for such trite phrases as ‘Hi, howya doin’?’Bell and his boys never juststartedspoutingtheirideasintotheirlistener’sears.Thefirstwordsoutoftheirmouthsinthosetimeswere‘Canyoutalk?’Bellandhisbuddieswere,ofcourse,referringtotechnicalcapabilities.Littledidtheyknow,morethanahundredyearslater,BigWinnerswoulduse
a form of that same greeting. Today, of course, ‘Can you talk?’ means ‘Is itconvenienttotalk?’Beforelaunchingintoconversation,theyalwaysask‘Isthisagoodtimetochat?’‘DidIcatchyouatagoodtime?’‘Doyouhaveaminutetodiscussthewidgetaccount?’AllfolkshaveaBigBenintheirbrainthatdetermineshowreceptivetheyare
going tobe toyou andyour ideas.Whenyoumesswith their internal cuckooclock,theywon’tlistentoyou.Nomatterhowinterestingyourinformation,orhowpleasantyourcall,badtimingmeansbadresultsforyou.It’s not your fault. Whenever you call someone at home, you never know
whether shewassleepingorwhether there’sa fire raging in thekitchenstove.Whenever you call someone at work, you never know whether he’s got twohourstogetareportinorwhetherthebigbossisnot-so-patientlysittingonhisdesk.Wheneveryouplaceacall,always–notoccasionally,notfrequently–always
askaboutyourtiming.Makeitahabit.Makeitarule.Makeitaself-punishablecrimeifthefirstwordsoutofyourmouthdon’tconcerntheconvenienceofyourtiming:
‘Hi,Joe,isthisagoodtimetotalk?’‘Hello,Susan.Haveyougotaminute?’‘Hi,Carl,didIcatchyougoodordidIcatchyoubad?’‘Sam, doyouhave a second forme to tell you aboutwhat happened at the
gamelastSaturday?’
Therearemanywaystosayit,butitallboilsdownto‘Isthisagoodtimetotalk?’MyfriendBarry,abroadcaster,accomplishesmoreinadaythanmostpeople
doinaweek.Hecameupwithacleverconversationaldevicethatassureshe’llnevershatteranyone’semotionalsundial.HecallsitWhatColourIsYourTime?Barryintroducesthedevicebytellingpeoplehe’scallinghehasgreatrespectfortheir time. He then asks permission to start his future conversations with aquestionthatassureshe’llneverdisturbthemataninopportunemoment.Barrysayshe’sgoing toaskwhatcolour their time is.Theyshouldhonestlyanswer,‘red,’‘yellow,’or‘green.’Redmeans‘I’mreallyrushed.’Yellowmeans‘I’mbusybutwhat’sonyourmind?Ifit’squick,wecandeal
withit.’Greenmeans‘Sure,I’vegottime.Let’stalk.’Red,likethestoplightatthecorner,meansstop.Yellowmeanshurryup,time
isshort,orstopandwaitforthenextgreenlight.Greenmeansgo.Busypeoplepickupquicklyonhis artfuldeviceandenjoy thegame.Most
especially, they enjoyBarry’s sensitivity and respect for their time. In fact, hesays,mostofhiscallersplay thesamesensitivegamewhentheycallhim.‘HiBarry,whatcolourisyourtime?Areyougreen?’
Technique65:
Whatcolourisyourtime?No matter how urgent you think your call, always begin by asking theperson about timing.Either use theWhatColour IsYourTime? device orsimplyask,‘Isthisaconvenienttimeforyoutotalk?’Whenyouaskabouttimingfirst,you’llneversmashyourfootprintsright
inthemiddleofyourtelephonepartner’ssandsoftime.You’llnevergeta‘No!’justbecauseyourtimingwasn’tright.
Salesfolks,waitforthegreenlight
Anotehereforsalespeople. Ifyouaskaprospect ifheorshehas timeto talkandtheansweris‘Notreally,buttellmewhat’sonyourmind,’DON’T!Donotmake your sales pitchwhile they’re red.Do not talkwith themwhen they’reyellow.Waituntilthey’regreen,verygreen.(Ifyoueverwanttoseeanygreencomingfromthem,thatis.)
Whoops,yourparanoiaisshowing
Youcan tell a lot aboutpeople just from theoutgoingmessages they leaveontheirvoicemail. ‘Hello,’ hismachine answers. ‘I’mnot in rightnow.Butyouprobablydon’twanttotalktomeanyway.’Beep.Wouldyoususpectthisfellowhasaninferioritycomplex?‘Hello,’hermachineanswers.‘Thesoundyouhearisthebarkingofourkiller
Dobermanpinscher,Wolf.Pleaseleaveamessageafterthetone.’Beep.Wouldyoususpectthiswomanisworriedaboutbreak-ins?Mostofusdon’trecordourpersonalfoiblessoconspicuouslyfortheworldtohear.Nevertheless,peoplecanhearalotbetweenthelinesofwhatwesayonourvoicemail.LastmonthIneededagraphicartisttodosomeworkforoneofmyextremely
conservativeclients.IphonedMark,anartistwhoseworkIhadseenandlikedalot.Hisansweringmachineblastedear-splittingrockmusicthroughthereceiver.Thenhisvoiceboomedovertheelectricguitar,‘Heythere,dude,don’tbecrude.Jes’croonmeanearfulofsweeeeeeetsoundsrightatthatlonetone.Yeah,yeah,yeah.’ Beep. I banged the receiver quickly back into the cradle to shut outhorriblefantasiesofhowmyclientwouldreactifhehadtocallMark.Histhirty-secondtalentshowmighthavebeenanappropriatesampleofarockmusician’stalent.Butabusinesspersonshouldoptforamoresedateoutgoingmessage.Themessageyouleaveonyouransweringmachinereflectsyourwork.Keepyoursfriendly,neutral,andup-to-date.And here’s the secret: to give the impression you are really on top of your
business, change your message every day. Studies show that callers perceivepeople to be brighter andmore efficient when they hear an updatedmessage
eachtimetheycall.Ifappropriate,letcallersknowwhereyouareandwhenyouintend to be back. If you have customers who need to be attended to, this iscrucial.Trysomethinglikethisonyourofficephone:‘Thisis(name).It’sThursday,
May7th,andI’llbeinasalesmeetinguntillatethisafternoon.PleaseleaveyourmessageandI’llgetbacktoyouassoonasIreturn.’Thatway,ifyoudon’tcallaclientbackuntil4P.M.heisn’tsteaming.Also,keepitshort.Somepeoplechangetheirmessageeveryday,butit’stoo
long. I had a colleague, a public speaker named Dan, who in his finestmellifluousvoiceimposedhisthoughtforthedayonallunsuspectingcallers.LastyearIwasworkingonaprojectwithDanandhadtocallhimthreetimes
inthesamedaytoleaveaprogressreport.Eachtimehismachineanswered:
‘Hello,thisisDan,andhere’smydailymotivator.’Heclearedhisthroatforhisbigrecordedperformanceandthencontinued.‘Didsomeonesaysomethingtodaythatoffendedyou?Sowhat?That’stheirproblem.’Hepaused dramatically. ‘Did someone look at you the wrong way? Sowhat?That’s theirproblem.’Again, apause for themagnitudeof thatsentiment to sink in. ‘Replace your petty thoughts of anger,exasperation, and spite with thoughts of strength. Calm down. Riseabovethoselittleinsignificantirritationsinlife.Focusyourthoughtsinthe direction of fulfillment and accomplishment. Once again, this isDan.’I’msurprisedhedidn’talsoleavehisagent’sphonenumberhere.‘Leaveyourmessageatthetone.Andhaveagreatpeacefulday.’Beep.
The first time I listened toDan’s ‘inspirational’message, the lengthmildlyirritatedme.Thesecondtime,Ifoundmyselfhyperventilatingwhilewaitingforhimtogetthroughhisunbearablylongmessage.Bythethirdcall,hisschmaltzymessageseemed interminable. Iwasfilledwith those‘petty thoughtsofanger,exasperation,andspite’hewarnedagainstbecauseofhisdarnmessage.Ifoundit impossible to ‘rise above it’ and ‘focus my thoughts in the direction offulfillmentandaccomplishment.’ Iwanted topunchhimin thenose.Outgoingmessagesarenot thevenues togive inspirationalmessagesnor to impress theworldwithone’saccomplishments.Anotherfriendofmine,awriter,earnedherselfafewlittlecatstripeswiththis
oneonhermachine:
‘Hello, this isCherylSmith.Cheryl isonhernationalbooktour,’(shepaused so all callers could be appropriately impressed) ‘makingappearances in twelve cities.’ (Another pause as though awaitingapplause.) ‘She’ll be returning on October 7.’ (What’s this she bit?Cheryl herself is speaking.) ‘Please leaveyourmessage for her at thetone.’Beep.
Yes, Cheryl, we know you’re an important author. But your third-partyreferencetoself,yournarcissistic toneofvoice,andtoppingitoffwithtwelvecitieswouldmakeanyBigCatsnickerthroughhiswhiskers.Onelastcodicil:Avoidoneparticularmessagemanybusinesspeopleusethese
days–‘I’meitherawayfrommydeskorontheotherline.’Thesubtextofthismessageis‘I’maslavechainedtomydeskanditisanamazingfactthatIhaveescaped for themoment.’One night Iwasworking into thewee hours.At 4A.M.Idecidedtoleaveamessageonacolleague’sbusinessphonesoshe’dgetitassoonasshecameinatnine.‘Hello,’themessagechirped.‘ThisisFelicia.I’m either away frommy desk or on the other line right now, but leave yourmessageatthetone.’Beep.Felicia,ofcourseyou’reawayfromyourdesk–it’s4a.m.onSundaymorning!‘Ontheotherline?’Atthishour?Ihopenot!You never know how your message is going to affect someone. Just keep
yoursneutral, friendly, constantly changing, short, andunderstated.Noboasts,nobells,nowhistles.
Technique66:
ConstantlychangingoutgoingmessageIf you want to be perceived as conscientious and reliable, leave a short,professional,andfriendlygreetingasyouroutgoingmessage.Nomusic.Nojokes.No inspirationalmessages.Noboasts,bells,orwhistles.Andhere’sthesecret:changeiteveryday.Yourmessagedoesn’thavetobeflawless.Alittlecoughorstammergivesalovelyunpretentiousrealitytoyourmessage.
Neeexxxt!
ProducersofbigBroadwaymusicalscanbebrutalduringauditions.Ananxiouswanna-be star, after rehearsing his audition song forweeks, steps onstage.Heopenshismouthtosing.Afterafewnotes,theheartlessproducershouts,‘Thankyou.NEEEXXXT!’Dreamsofstardomdashedintenseconds!Businesspeople’s professional dreams can also be dashed in the first ten
secondsoftheir‘audition.’Theirauditionisthemessagetheyleaveonsomeoneelse’sansweringmachine.Competent businesspeople wouldn’t dream of sending amessy handwritten
business letter to a VIP on cheap yellow-stained paper and expect a response.They know the recipientwould toss it in the bin.Nevertheless, someof thesesamefolkswillleavealacklustremessageonaVIP’svoicemailandexpectacallback.NooneevertoldthemthatBigWinnersscrutinizemessagesontheirvoicemail with the same consideration of a big Broadway producer. If you soundgood,you’vegotachance.Ifyoudon’t,youarefast-forwardedoutoftheirlife.Salespeople,suitors,candidates,andcompetitorswholeavecrisp,intelligent,
upbeatmessagesonvoicemailgetcalledback.LoserswithlacklustretonesanduncraftedmessagesneverhearfromMrorMsMakeItHappen.MakesureyourmessagereflectsthreeCs:Confidence,Clarity,andCredibility.Inaddition,makeit entice, entertain, or interest the listener. A flat ‘This is Joe, call me back’doesn’tscorewithBigWinners.
Staytunedfor…
Radio DJs use tricks to keep their listeners tuned in. Top salespeople havesimilarlittletrickstoenticeprospectstocallthemback.Here’sonecalledacliff
hanger. To make sure listeners won’t switch stations during the radiocommercial, the broadcaster throws out a mini-mystery: ‘And right after thecommercialwe’llbebackwiththewinningticket…Itcouldbeyours…Staytuned!’Wheneveryou leaveavoicemailmessage foranyone, try to includeacliff-hanger: ‘HiHarry, this isAndrew. Ihave theanswer to thatquestionyouaskedmelastweek.’Or‘HiDiane,thisisBetsy.Ihavesomebignewsaboutthatprojectwewerediscussing.’NowHarryandDianehaveareasontocallAndrewandBetsyback.Pitchpersonalityintoyourmessage,too.Picturethepeoplelisteningtoit.Say
somethingtopiquetheircuriosityormakethemsmile.Themessageyouleaveisyourten-secondaudition.Makeitgood.
Technique67:
Yourten-secondauditionWhiledialling,clearyourthroat.Ifanansweringmachinepicksup,pretendthebeepisabigBroadwayproducersaying‘Nexxxt.’Nowyou’reon.ThisisYourTen-SecondAuditiontoproveyouareworthyofaquickcallback.
Incidentally, if someone’s voice mail unexpectedly comes on and you are
unprepared, quickly hang up (before the beep so they don’t get a hang-upmessage.) Take a moment to craft your entertaining, enticing, or interestingmessage.Rehearseitoncewithconfidence,clarity,andcharisma.Thenredialtoleaveyourgreathotmessage.A funny thing happens. If your party answers this time, you’ll be
disappointed.
Hohum,businessasusual
The inspiration for this next telephone technique comes from personalexperienceswithmid-Manhattan toilets (a less-than-refinedorigin, tobe sure).NewYorkCity,inspiteofallitsreputedsophistication,lagsbehindsomeoftheshabbiestEuropeancitiesinonerespect.Manhattanhasfewpublictoilets.Andnone of those European-style, charming, and at times verymuch appreciated,freestandingstructuresonstreetcorners.In thedayswhen Imadesalescallsaround thebusycityofNewYork, this
presentedaproblem.Severaltimesaday.Ioftenfoundmyselfatthemercyofcoffee-shopcashierswhojealouslyguardedtheirrestroomfacilities.Someshopseven put menacingly scribbled signs in the window, ‘Bathrooms are forcustomersonly.’IoftenfoundthatifIplayeditstraight–goinguptothecashierandaskingifI
couldusetheamenities–I’dgetshotdown.SoIusedthefollowingtechnique.Withoutcastingaglanceatthecashier,I’dstrutconfidentlyintothecoffeeshop.I’dmarchrightpastthebathroombouncerandkeepmygazefixedononeofthebooths.She’dassumeIwascomingforlunchorhadsimplyreturnedtocollectmyforgottengloves.Oncepastthegatekeeperoftheloo,I’dwaitforhertobebusyringingupthenextcheque.Then,likegreasedlightning,I’dsprintintothejohn.IdubbedthisdeceptiontheHo-HumCaperaftermyfeignedattitudeof ‘Ho
hum, business as usual. I come here every daywith nothing onmymind butlunch.’Let us now translate that sneaky subterfuge into a seldom-fail phone
technique.You can use themanoeuvre to sneak around secretaries and dodgetheirheartlessscreening.Insteadofplayingitstraightandaskingforyourpartyby name, just say ‘Is he in?’ or ‘Is she in?’ Using the pronoun is verbally
sprintingpastthesecretarywithabusinessasusual,‘Hohum,Icalleveryday’attitude.
Technique68:
Theho-humcaperInsteadofusingyourparty’sname,casually let thepronounheorshe rolloff your tongue. Forget ‘Uh, may I speak to Ms Bigshot please?’ Justannounce,‘Hi,BobSmithhere,isshein?’Tossingthefamiliarsheoffyourtonguesignalstothesecretarythatyouandherbossareoldbuddies.
‘Doyoureallyhavetotakecareofthatfireinyourkitchen?’
Whenever you’re on the phonewith someone, you hear a lotmore than theirvoices. In the background you might hear dogs barking, babies crying, or acracklingsound.Forallyouknow,thedoghashistailcaughtintherefrigerator,thebabyhastobefed,orthehouseisonfire.Whenyouacknowledgethesoundbyaskingiftheyhavetotakecareofit,youwarmtheheartsofyourlisteners.When you are talking to someone at work, you often hear another phone
ringing. Say immediately, ‘I hear your other line.Do you have to answer it?’Even ifnot,heor shewillappreciate thegesture. Ifhedoeshave tocatch theother call, youcanbe sureheheardnothingyou said after the first ring.He’sonlythinking‘HowcanIinterruptthisbabblingpersonwithoutbeingrudesoIcananswermyotherphone?’Infactwitheverybrr-ing,irritationsetsinthatyouareholdinghimhostagefromdoingwhathehastodo.Hereisthetechniqueguaranteedtosaveyoufrombeinginthatuncomfortable
position.
Technique69:
‘Ihearyourotherline’Whenyouhearaphoneinthebackground,stopspeaking–inmidsentenceif necessary– and say ‘I hear your other line’ (or your dogbarking, yourbabycrying,yourspousecallingyou).Askwhethershehastoattendtoit.Whether she does or not, she’ll know you’re a Top Communicator forasking.
The subtext, of course, is that you are sensitive to what’s going on in yourcaller’s world. If you’re talking to someone far away or in another country,
another way to show you’re tops in the communications department is totranslatetimereferencesintotheirtimezone.Whenyouleaveamessage,say‘Icanbereachedbetweenthreeandfiveyourtime.’And don’t forget foreign holidays. Last July 1, I was on the phone with a
clientfromAustralia.Iwasimpressedwhenhewishedme‘HappyIndependenceDayweekend.’So impressed, in fact, I ranout to find a chart of internationalholidays.ImadeanoteinmycalendarnextApril25towishmyAussiefriend‘HappyANZACDay’(after I figureoutwhat itmeans). Ifyoudobusinesswithpeople around the world, be sure to extend good wishes to them for theirholidays.Forgetaboutyourownifthey’renotshared.I’mstillmortifiedaboutthetimelastNovemberwhenIwasonaconferencecallwithaCanadianclientandsevenofhissalespeople.Iwishedthemall‘HappyThanksgiving.’
It’smuchbetterthesecondtimearound
ThefirsttimeIsawTheWizardofOz,thestorybewitchedme.ThesecondtimeIsawTheWizardofOz,thespecialeffectsamazedme.ThethirdtimeIsawTheWizardofOz, thephotographydazzledme.Haveyoueverseenamovietwice,three times?Younotice subtleties andhear sounds you completelymissed thefirsttimearound.It’s the same on the phone. Because your business conversations are more
consequential thanmovies, you should listen to them two,maybe three times.Oftenwehavenoclearideaofwhatreallyhappenedinourphoneconversationuntilwehear itagain.You’ll findshadingsmoresignificant than thecolourofToto’s collar – and more scarecrows than you imagined who ‘haven’t got abrain!’How do you listen to your important business conversations again? Simply
legally and ethically tape record them. I call the technique of recording andanalyzingyourbusinessconversationsforsubtletiesInstantReplay.Havingataperecorderonherphonecouldhavemadeadramaticdifferencein
thecareerofmyfriendLaura.Laura,anutritionist,haddevelopedanexcellenthealthdrink.Itdeservedtobemarketednationally.Iwas inLaura’sofficeonedaydiscussingherplansandIsaid, ‘Laura, I’ve
gotjustthecontactforyou’.Severalmonthsearlier,IhadmetFred,amanwhoownedachainofsupermarkets.Fredowedmeafavourbecause,athisrequest,I’dgivenaprobonotalkforasocialclubhebelongedto.FredwasaBigBananain the supermarketworld, andwith one ‘yes’ he could putmy friend’s healthdrinkinhisstores.ThatwouldlaunchLauranationally.I placed the call and, lo andbehold,hewas in.And, an evenbigger lo and
behold,FredsoundedinterestedinLaura’sbeverage.‘Putheron,’Fredsaid.
IproudlyhandedLaurathephoneandtheirconversationstartedoutfine.‘Ohsure, I’ll send you a sample,’ Laura said. ‘What’s the address?’ Then I heardLaura say, ‘Uh,wait aminute, letme get something towritewith.’ (I rapidlyrolledapenandpushedapadinfrontofhernose.)‘Uh,what’sthatagain?Didyousay4201or4102?’(Imoaninaudibly.)‘Andhowdoyouspellthenameofthestreet?’(Mymoanbecomesaudible.)‘Whoops,thispenjustranoutofink.Leil, do you see another pen on my desk? (I did, and this time I felt likethrowingitather.)‘Sorry,what’sthatagain?’Yikes,nowIwantedtograbthephoneoutofLaura’shands.Sheshouldn’tbe
botheringabusyBigBananafordetailslikerepeatingaddresses.Shecouldhavecalledhis secretaryback later forclarification.Buteven thatwouldhavebeenunnecessary if she were recording the conversation with the technique I callInstantReplay.Shecouldhavemerelymentioned that shewas flippingon therecorder (mostheavyhittersarecomfortablewith thatconcept)andshewouldhavehaditontape.Fredwasnice toLaura thatday.Butmyfriendneverheardback fromhim.
And to this day, she wonders why. She’ll never know the confused phoneexchangenixedthedeal.Was Fred being unfair just because Laura was a little slow on the phone?
Absolutelynot.Fredfigures, ‘If thiswoman isas insensitiveaboutmy timeatthe beginning of a possible business relationship, what’s she going to be likedownthepike?’Wisechoice,Fred.Istill likeLaura.She’sstillmyfriend.ButwillI introducehertoanyotherBigWinnerswhomighthelpher?Ican’ttakethechance.
Howtosetupyourinstantreplay
InstantReplayissimpleandcheap.Gotoyourlocalelectronicsstoreandaskforarecorderforyourtelephone.Slapitonyourphonereceiver,andplugtheotherend into a cassette recorder. Then turn the recorder on during your nextimportantconversation.Thedevicecouldearnyouhundredsofdollarsonyourfirst call. In some states the law requires you inform the other party you arerecordingthem.Makesuretocheckwiththeauthoritiesaboutthelegalityinthestatewhereyoulive.Ifit’sone-partyconsent,don’tworry.You’retheoneparty.Obviouslyyoumustnevereverusethetapeforanyotherpurposethanforyourown second listening. Not only would that be unlawful, it would beunconscionable. For extra security, don’t leave people’s taped conversations
lyingaround.Keepthesametapeinyourcassettemachineanduseitoverandovertorecordimportantdetails.WithInstantReplay,youcancatchballsyourConversationPartnerthrowsout
onthefirstbounce.You’reonthephonewithyourboss.Heramblesofffourorfivenamesinalawfirmyou’resupposedtowriteto,thentheaddress,thenthenine-digit zip code.Realizinghe’spitchedyou somepretty fastballs, heasks,‘Shall I repeat that for you?’ ‘No thanks, I got it,’ you proudly say, silentlytappingyourlittletaperecorder.Bossisimpressed.
Technique70:
InstantreplayRecordallyourbusinessconversationsandlistentothemagain.Thesecondorthirdtime,youpickuponsignificantsubtletiesyoumissedthefirsttime.It’slikefootballfanswhooftendon’tknowiftherewasafumbleuntiltheyseeitalloveragaininInstantReplay.
YetanotherbenefitofInstantReplay–ithelpshideyourignorance.RecentlyIwasonthephonewithacameramannegotiatingapriceonavideotapetouseasaspeaker’sdemo.LuckilyIwasrecordingtheconversationbecausehisflurryofHi-8,VHS,SuperVHS,BetaSP,andthree-quarterinchU-matichadmewantingto crawl into a rodent hole in the wall. But I listened to the tape of ourconversationafterward.IwrotedownallthewordsIdidn’tunderstandandthenasked a video friendwhat theymeant.Now Iwas able to call the cameramanbackandsay,‘I’dlikeatwo-camerashootonBetaSP.AndcanyougivemeaVHSdubsoIcandosomeoff-lineediting?’Don’tyouthinkIgotamuchbetterpricethanifI’dasked,‘Duh,what’saBetaSP?’
Forgetwhattheysaid,hearwhattheymeant
InstantReplayalsomakesyousensitive to levelsofcommunicationfardeeperthanjustyourcallers’words.Youtunein to theirrealenthusiasmorhesitationaboutanidea.When we want something, our minds play funny tricks on us. If we
desperatelycrave‘yes’fromsomeone,wehear‘yes.’But‘yes’isn’talwayswhatit seems.A client’s forceful ‘YES’ and her hesitant ‘yeee-sss’ are different asheavenandhell.LastmonthIaskedawomanwho’dbookedmeforaspeechif
her office could reproduce my ten-page handout. She gave me the answer Iwanted, whichwas ‘yes.’ Later, however, I re-listened to our conversation ontape.Heransweraboutthehandoutshadbeenaveryhesitant,‘Hmm,well,yes.’I immediately called her back and said, ‘By theway, don’tworry about thosehandouts.’‘Oh, I’msoglad!’ shepurred. ‘Becausewe reallydon’thave thebudget for
thingslike that.’ Igainedmuchmoreinmyclient’sgoodwill thanthevalueofreproducingafewsheetsofpaper.
Let us now return to your live, in-person show.We’re going to talk not onlyabouthow tobe a hit at aparty, buthow to smoothlyhiton all the folks youwant–justlikeapolitician.
Most of us, when invited to a party, waft into a fluffy thought process. Ourrandomreveriegoessomethinglikethis:‘Hmm,thiscouldbefun…Wonderifthey’re going to serve food…Hope it’s good…Might be some interestingpeoplethere…Wonderifmyfriendso’n’soiscoming…Golly,whatshouldIwear?’That’s not the way a politician thinks about a party, however. While
politicians, heavy-dutynetworkers, serious socializers, andBigWinners in thebusinessworldarestaringattheinvitation,theyinstinctivelysurftoadifferentchannel.BeforetheyRSVPwithyesorno,theirbrainscraftjournalisticcampaignquestions.It’stheSix-PointPartyChecklist.Who?When?What?Why?Where?AndHow?Let’stakethemonebyone.
Whoisgoingtobeattheparty?
More specifically, who will be there that I should meet? Serious networkerscalculate ‘Whomust Imeet for business?Who should Imeet for political or
social reasons?’ And, if single and searching, ‘Who do I want to meet forpossiblelove?’If they don’t know who is going to be in attendance, they ask. Politicians
unabashedlytelephonethehostorhostessofthepartyandask,‘Who’scoming?’As the party giver chats casually about the guest list, politicians scribble thenamesofthepeoplewhointerestthem,thenresolvetomeeteach.
WhenshouldIarrive?
Politicians do not leave arrival time to whenever they finish getting dressed.Theydon’taskthemselves,‘Hmm,shouldIbefashionablylate?’Theycarefullycalculatetheirestimatedtimeofarrivalandestimatedtimeofdeparture.If the party is bulgingwith contacts, Biggies get there early to start hitting
theirmarksaseacharrives.VIPSfrequentlycomeearlytogettheirbusinessdonebeforepartyregularswho‘hatetobethefirstonethere’startarriving.Theyareneverembarrassed toarriveearly.After all, theonlypeoplewho see themareotherearlyarrivalswhoareoftenHeavyHitterslikethemselves.Norwillyoufindpoliticiansprowlingaround, the last toslinkout thedoor.
Oncethey’veaccomplishedwhattheysetouttodo,they’reontheirwaytothenextopportunity.Iftheiragendaismoresocial,theytrytoleavetheirdeparturetime open and their aprés-party schedule free. That way, if they make animportant new contact, they can stay around and talk with him. Or drive herhome.Orgosomewhereelseforcoffee.
WhatshouldItakewithme?
Apolitician’schecklistisnottheusual,‘Let’ssee,mycomb,cologne,andbreathmints.’Theypackmorefunctionalnetworkingtoolsintheirpocketsorpurses.IfCorporateCatswillbeprowlingtheparty,theypackapocketfulofbusiness
cards.Ifit’sagalawherepeoplearegaddingaboutonthesocialladderandtheywanttoexudeold-worldelegance,theygrabahandfulofsocialcardscontainingonly theirnameandpossiblyanaddressandphonenumber. (Somefeelgivingoutabusinesscardinapurelysocialsettingcanbegauche.)Themostvitaltoolintheirpartypackisasmallpadandpentokeeptrackofimportantcontacts.
Whyisthepartybeinggiven?
The politician’s perpetual philosophy of ‘penetrate the ostensible’ enters here.(That’s justafancywayofsaying‘lookunder therug.’)Theyask themselves,‘What is the ostensible reason for the party?’ A big industrialist is giving hisdaughteragraduationparty?Anewlydivorcedexecutiveisthrowinghimselfabirthdaybash?Aflounderingbusinessiscelebratingitstenthyear?‘Nice,’politicianssaytothemselves,‘that’stheostensible.Butwhat’sthereal
reasonfor theparty?’Maybe the industrialistwants togethisdaughteragoodjob so he’s invited dozens of potential employers. The birthday boy is singleagain so theguest list is heavywith attractive and accomplished females.Thebusiness desperately needs good PR if it’s going to stay around another tenyears.Sothey’veinvitedthepressandcommunitymakersandshakers.Politicianshaveexpertunder-rugvision tospot thehost’s realagenda.They
will,ofcourse,neverdiscussitattheparty.However,theinsightelevatesthemtoasharedstateofhigherconsciousnesswithotherHeavyHittersatthebash.Theirknowledgealsomakesthemvaluableagentsforthepartygiver.Asavvy
politicianintroducesthejob-seekingdaughtertosomeexecutivesattheparty,ortellsthemostalluringwomenatthebashwhatagreatguybirthdayboyis.Whenchattingwithreporters,hetalksupthehost’sbusinessthatneedsgoodPR.Whenpeoplesupport therealwhyof theparty, theybecomepopularandsought-afterguestsforfutureevents.
Whereisthecollectivemind?
Oftenpeople fromoneprofessionorone interest groupwill comprisemostofthe guest list.Apolitician never accepts any invitationwithout askingherself,‘Whatkindofpeoplewillbeatthisparty,andwhatwilltheybethinkingabout?’Perhaps there will be a drove of doctors. So she clicks on the latest medicalheadlines and rehearses a little doc-talk. If the guests are a nest of new-agevoters,thepoliticiangetsuptospeedontelepathichealing,Tantrictoning,andtrancedancing.Politicianscan’taffordtonotbeintheknow.
HowamIgoingtofollowupontheparty?
Now, the big finale. I call it ‘contact cement.’ It’s cementing the contacts thepolitician has made. After meeting a good contact and exchanging cards,practicallyeveryonesays,‘It’sbeengreattalkingtoyou.We’llstayintouch.’This good intention seldom happens without herculean effort. Politicians,
however,makeascienceoutofkeepingupthecontact.Aftertheparty,theysitat their desks and, like a game of solitaire, lay out the business cards of thepeoplethey’vemet.UsingtheBusinessCardDossier techniquedescribed laterinthissection,theydecidehow,when,andiftodealwitheach.Doesthispersonrequireaphonecall?Shouldthatonereceiveahandwrittennote?ShallIe-mailorcalltheotherone?Use theSix-PointPartyChecklist – theWho?When?Why?Where?What?
andHow?ofapartyasyourgeneralgameplan.Nowlet’sgetdowntospecifics.
‘Howcomepeopledon’tapproachme?’
Theaveragepartygoer,let’ssayCharlie,arrivesatthebash.Hemakesabeelinefor the refreshment table for munchies and a beverage. He then finds a fewbuddiesandstartschattingawaywiththem.Chewingthenibblesonhisplateandthefatwithhisfriends,heoccasionally
looksaroundtheroomtoseewhomightbenewandfuntotalkto.He’shopingseveralattractiveandinterestingpeopleatthepartywillspothimandcomeovertotalk.What’swrongwithCharlie’sapproach?Everything ifCharliewants tomake
the party productive. Let’s start with the average party goer’s first mistake –gettingsomerefreshmentsandadrinkrightoffthebat.Peopleminglingatapartymakejudgments,oftensubconscious,aboutwhom
theyaregoingtoapproach.Haveyoueverlivedonafarm?Orhadadogoracat?Thenyouknowyouneverdisturbanimalswhentheyareeating.Likewise,when a human animal is eating, other human animals do not feel comfortableadvancing.Ifpartygoers’eyesscanthecrowdandseeyouwiththefeedbagon,theypassrightoveryou.Subconsciouslythey’resayingtothemselves,‘Letthehungry hound chow down and maybe we’ll talk later.’ Later never comesbecause theywind upmaking friendswith someone elsewhosemouthwasn’tfull.Politiciansalwayseatbeforetheycometotheparty.Theyknowthey’dneeda
circusjuggler’stalenttoshakehands,exchangebusinesscards,holdadrink,andstuffcrackersandcheeseintotheirmouths–allwithjusttwohands.
Technique71:
Munchingormingling
Politicians want to be eyeball-to-eyeball and belly-to-belly with theirconstituents.LikeanyBigWinnerwellversedinthescienceofproxemicsandspatialrelationships,theyknowanyobjectexcepttheirbeltbuckleshasthe effect of a brickwall between two people. Therefore they never holdfoodordrinkataparty.Cometomunchorcometomingle.Butdonotexpecttodoboth.Likea
goodpolitician,chowdownbeforeyoucome.
Howtomakeanunforgettableentrance
Loretta Young makes television history when she appears at the head of herimmensestaircaseandsurveystheset.Thensheswoopsdowntostarttheshow.ThePopestepsoutontohisbalconyoverlookingStPeter’sSquare inRome
andsurveysthecrowd.Thenhebeginsthebenediction.BetteDavisstopsinthedoorwayandlooksaround.Thenshemutters,‘Whata
dump!’Andevery late-nightTVcomic since ‘Heeeere’s Johnny!’ stepscentre stage
andscrutinizestheapplaudingaudience.Thenherevealsthereasonforthesmirkonhisface.Whatdoallthesegreatentranceshaveincommon?Eachpausesmomentarily
andlooksaroundbeforeswoopingintodecisiveaction.Moviedirectors love shotsofTHEDOORWAYwhere the camerapans, the
musicswells,andalleyesgravitatetothehonchoorhonchoettestandingunderthe frame.Does the star skulk into the room like a frightened littlekitten in anewowner’shome?Or,likemanyofusdoataparty,franticallygravitatetothefirst familiar face sopeoplewon’t thinkheor she’sunconnected?No, the starstops.Then,framedbythedoorway,hisorhernotablepresenceisfeltbyall.Peoplewhohavemasteredthistrickhavewhatenvioustheatricalwanna-bes
call ‘stage presence.’ Stage groupies think some lucky stars are born with it.Thinkagain,thespians.It’scultivated.Politiciansdon’tjustslinkunnoticedintoaroomfulofpeople.PoliticiansmakeTheEntrance.With one simple technique, you too can make great entrances. I call it
Rubberneck the Room. Before entering, stop dramatically in the doorway andsurvey the scene s-l-o-w-l-ywithyoureyes. It is significant that,whileyou’restanding in thedoorway,you’renot thinking, ‘Lookatme.’The reasonyou’reRubbernecking the Room is not to show off. It is so you can diagnose the
situation you’re walking into. Take note of the lighting, the bar, and mostimportant,thefaces.Listentothemusic,thebuzzofthecrowd,theclinkingofglasses.Seewhoistalkingtowhom.Whilerubbernecking,you’llalsobeusingBe the Chooser, Not the Choosee, the next technique, which helps you selectyourfirst,second,andmaybethirdtarget.Now,liketheBigCatwhorulesthejungle,leapintomakeyourfirstmovetowardwipinguptheroom.
Technique72:
RubbernecktheroomWhenyouarriveatthegathering,stopdramaticallyinthedoorway.Thens-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like aSWATteamreadyinaheartbeattowipeoutanythingthatmoves.
IntandemwithRubbernecktheRoom,tryusingthefollowingtechnique…
‘Hmm,anyinterestingstrangersIshouldmeet?’
Politicians don’t wait for others to approach them. If the party host or theircampaignmanagerhasnotsupplieda‘mustmeet’list,theychoosetheirtargetswhile Rubbernecking the Room. As their keen eyes scan the crowd, they’reasking themselves ‘Whowould Imost enjoy talking to?Who looks like theycouldbemostbeneficialtomylife?WhocouldIlearnmostfrominthisgang?’Howdo theychoose?They lookateveryone thesamewaymyfriend,Bob,
the caricature artist, looks at people. You can tell a whole lotmore than yourealizeifyoukeepyourgazefixedonsomeone.Everytwinkleinsomeone’seyeandeverylinesurroundingittellsastory–thestoryofthelifeheorsheleads.Whowasitwhosaid,‘Atagethirty,everyonehasthefacehedeserves’?Yetfewof us consciously look into strangers’ eyes. How foolish that, at a party orconvention for making contacts, most people are embarrassed to make eyecontactwithpeoplewedon’tknow.Inmynetworkingseminar,Iprimeparticipantstomakeintensevisualcontact
byaskingthemtoformabigcircle,walkaroundtheroom,andsilentlystareateach other. ‘Gaze into each other’s eyes,’ I tell them. ‘Examine each other’smovements.’Astheyarewalking,Isay,‘Themostimportantbusinesscontact,thedearest
friend, or the love of your life is probably not in this room. Nevertheless,sometimesoon,youwillbeinaroomwhereyouwillspotsomeoneyousensecould change your life. I want you to be prepared. I want you to have thecouragetomaketheapproachandnotwait invainfor thatspecialsomeonetoapproachyou.’Whilestrollingandstaring,Iaskthemtosilentlychoosethefourpeopletheymostwanttotalktoduringthebreak.
‘Onlythebeautifulpeoplewillbechosen’
When given this unfamiliar and uncomfortable assignment, the participantsassume everyone will make a beeline for the most attractive people. It neverhappens.Somethingmysticaloccurswhenpeopletakethetimetoreallylookateachother.Everyonediscoversadistinctivebeauty inoneor twootherpeoplethatisverypersonal,veryspecial,andspeaksuniquelytotheseeker.ThedearestfriendinmylifewasahomelylittlefellownamedChip.Hewas
only5'2''.Chiphadahugenoseandfunnylittleeyespeepingoutthroughthickglasses.At aparty,withoutusing this technique, IprobablywouldneverhavenoticedChip.However,myconcentrationwasonhimthedaywemetbecausehewasgivingaspeech.WhenIgazedintentlyintohiseyesandwatchedhislipsmoving,Isawsuchsubjectivebeautycomingfromhisface.Hebecamemybestfriend for twelve years until a tragic disease took his life. Nevertheless, Chipremainedbeautifultomeuntiltheendbecause,nomatterhowtwistedhisbodybecamewithillness,thebeautyshonethroughhisspirit.As the seminarparticipants exploreeachother’s facesandmovements, they
discoverthesubjectivebeautyintheirfaces,intheirspirits.Noonecanexplainwhyonepersonchoosesanotherasoneofhisorherspecialfour.Yetpracticallyeveryone returns from the break having made a new good friend. Never isanyoneleftunchosen.When you seek people’s special qualities by exploring their faces, youwill
find them. If youwant towalk out of any gatheringwith your life enhanced,spendtimewithpeopleyouchoose,notjustthosewhochooseyou.Bechooseyinwhoyoupick.Butdon’twaittobethechoosee.
Technique73:
Bethechooser,notthechooseeThe lifelongfriend, the loveofyour life,or thebusinesscontactwhowilltransform your future may not be at the party. However, someday,somewhere, he or she will be. Make every party a rehearsal for the bigevent.Do not stand aroundwaiting for themoment when that special person
approachesyou.Youmake ithappenbyexploringevery face in the room.Nomore ‘shipspassing in thenight.’Capturewhateverorwhomeveryouwantinyourlife.
‘Sure,inaseminar,it’seasy.Butwhataboutreallife?’
Sometimes, after the break, a participant will say, ‘It was simple to go up topeople Iwanted to talk to this timebecauseyougave itasanassignment.Butwhataboutatarealparty?’Recently,oneofmyparticipantsnamedToddaskedmethisquestioninfrontofthegroup.Iasked,‘Todd,howdidyoumaketheapproachthistime?’‘Well,Ijustwentupandsaid,“Hi,I’mTodd.Iwantedtotalktoyou.”’‘Well?’Iasked.Itdawnedonhimthathecouldusethisopeningphrasetomeetanyoneatany
party.Tosmoothapotentiallyawkwardmoment,youquicklyfollowupwithaninnocuousquestionlike‘Howdoyouknowthehostess?’or‘Doyouliveinthearea?’Now,you’reoffandrunningjustasthoughthehosthadintroducedyou.Ofcourse,otherchooseypeoplewillbeprowlingaroundtheparty.Someof
them,afterscrutinizingyou,willdecideyouareoneofthespecialpeopletheychoosetotalkto.Thefollowingisasubliminalmanoeuvretomakeiteasyforthemcomeovertoconfirmtheymadeawisechoice.
Yourbodycanbeckon‘comeonover’orgrowl‘goaway!’
Haveyouevernoticedhowcomfortableyoufeelsaunteringintocertainrooms?Thechairsarearrangedinawaythatwelcomesyouasifsaying,‘Comerightoninandsitonme.’Conversely,youenterotherroomswhereyoumustnavigateacircuitousroutearoundtablesanddressersbeforeyoufinallyfindafreechair.Likewise, some people arrange their body furniture, their arms and legs, to
say,‘Hey,comerightonoverandtalktome.’Yetotherpeople’sbodyfurnitureshouts, ‘Keep out! Approach at your own risk.’ Shy people inadvertently say‘stay away’ when they fold their arms. They give off insecure signals byclutchingapurse,claspingadrink,orsmokingacigarette.Controlled studies show that party goers aremore comfortable approaching
people who stand with an open body – arms uncrossed and hanging at theirsides, legsslightlyseparated,aslightsmileon their faces.Anyobjectbetweenyou and the crowd is a subliminal cutoff – even your purse. More peopleapproach awomanwho sports a shoulder bag than one squeezing a handbag.The shoulder bag hangs behind her back, thus leaving the path to talk to heropen.
Givethemtheol’wristflash
Now,here’sthepiècederésistance.Nexttoyourface,yourwristsandpalmsareoneofthemostexpressivepartsofyourbody.Palmsupspeakvolumesofgoodsentiments.The Pope’s wrists and palms are up when he beckons ‘Come unto memy
brethren.’Theburglar’swristsandpalmsareupwhenhesays,‘Igiveup,don’tshoot.’The innocentman’swristsandpalmsareupwhenhe’ssaying, ‘Idon’t
knowwho took themoney.’Vulnerable,openpalmssignify ‘Ihavenothing tohide.’Theyalsosignifyacceptance.Whenyouarelisteningtoabusinesscolleague
towhomyouwanttosignalacceptance,makesureyourwristsandpalmsareup.Even if you’re resting your head on your chin, turn your wrists forward.Whenever you are chattingwith anyone, give yourself a constant hand check.Make sure you don’t point your knuckles directly toward anyone. Let themhavethepleasureofseeingthesoft,tender‘comehither’skinofyourwristsandpalms,notthewrinkled‘goaway’hideonyourknuckles.Romance on your mind? Ladies, let your hands do some talking for you.
Women instinctively turn their wrists and palms upward when a man excitesthem.(Infact,theol’wristflashwhiletalkingwithmalessubconsciouslygivesthemasexyjolt.)
Technique74:
Come-hitherhandsBeahumanmagnet,notahumanrepellant.Whenstandingatagathering,arrange your body in an open position – especially your arms and hands.People instinctively gravitate toward open palms and wrists seductivelyarrangedinthe‘comehither’position.Theyshyawayfromknucklesinthe‘get lost or I’ll punch you’ position.Use yourwrists and palms to say ‘Ihavenothingtohide,’‘Iacceptyouandwhatyou’resaying,’or‘Ifindyousexy.’
Paveaclearpathforpeoplewhofindyouspecial
Frightenedlittlejunglecatscrouchbehindrocksandlogssonobiggeranimalswillspotthem.Inthesocialjungle,shypeopledothesame.Theyinstinctivelyseekoutcornersandsitinseatswheretheywon’tbeseen.Whereas lynxes and lions stroll confidently to the centre of the jungle
clearing,humanBigCatsinthesocialjunglealsostandconfidentlyinaclearingsootherscanseethem.Likeapolitician,positionyourselfnearadoorwaysinceeveryonemustpassyourwayatsomepointintheevening.
Nowwecometoatechniqueallpoliticiansuse.Infact,somepoliticalpunditshave credited the election of both John Kennedy and Bill Clinton to their
masteryofthetechniqueIcallTracking.
Makethemfeellikeanold-timemoviestar
In the1940s,moviesweredifferent.Beforeexperimental films, cinemaverité,and nouvelle vague, they had stories. Americans hopped in their Buicks – afoxtail tied to the radio antenna and baby boots suspended from the rearviewmirror–drovetothemoviehouse,andwatchedastoryunfoldbeforethem.Almostinvariably,theheroandheroineonthesilverscreenwouldmeet,fall
in love, overcome seemingly impossible obstacles, get married, and(presumably) live happily after. Oh, the stories varied slightly. But there wasalwaysa leadingmanandmaybea leadingwoman.Thentherewastherestoftheworld.Thesupportingcharacterscouldliveordiewithoutmuchbrouhaha.Buteveryminoreventinthestar’slifewassignificant.Well,moviesmayhavechanged.Humannaturehasn’t.Everyonefeelslikethe
starofa1940smovie.Everytrivialeventintheirlivesismomentous.‘There’sME.Thenthere’stherestoftheworld.’Whatsomeonehadforbreakfast,whatshoeshechosetowear,andwhetherhe
tooktimetoflosshisteethcanbemoreimportanttothatparticularsomeonethanthefalloffarawaynationsortheriseofglobaltemperatures.Husbandsandwivessometimessharetheirspouse’sminutia:
‘Whatdidyouhaveforbreakfast,Honey?’‘Youdidn’twearthoseshoes,didyou?’‘Didyouremembertofloss?’
To create an interesting intimacy, Big Winners make a point to rememberminutedetailsofimportantcontacts’lives.Theyobviouslydon’tfeigninterestinwhat they had for breakfast, or whether they flossed or forgot. But to make
someonefeellikeabigstar,theyrememberdetailstheircontactdoeshappentoshare.Take their lead. If a prospect mentions he had Rice Krispies for breakfast,
allude to it later. If, in chatting, your boss tells you she wore uncomfortableshoes to work one day, find a way to refer to it on another. If your clientmentionshe’saresoluteflosser,complimenthimatalaterdateonhisdiscipline.Ithintsheor she is amemorable star in thegalaxyofpeopleyou’vemet. It’scalledTracking their lives.Whenyou track theirminutia, youmake them feellike1940smoviestars,andthatminoreventsintheirlivesaremajorconcernsinyours.
Don’tleaveittochance
PoliticiansmakeascienceoutofTracking.Theykeepalittleblackboxeitherontheirdesk,intheircomputer,orintheirbrainofthelastconcern,enthusiasm,oreventdiscussedwitheveryoneintheirlife.Theykeeptrackofwherethepeoplewere,whattheysaid,andwhattheyweredoingsincethelastconversation.Thenthefirstwordsofthenextphonecallormeetingwiththatpersonrelatestoitthatinformation:
‘Hello,Joe.HowwasyourtriptoJamaica?’‘HeySam,didyourkidmakethebaseballteam?’‘Hi,Sally.Haveyouheardbackfromyourclientyet?’‘Nicetohearfromyou,Bob.ItmeansyousurvivedthatSzechuanrestaurant
youweregoingtolasttimewespoke.’
Whenyouinvoke the lastmajororminorevent inanyone’s life, itconfirmswhatthey’veknownallalong.They’rethemostimportantpersonintheworld.Oneofthemostpowerfulformsoftrackingisrememberinganniversariesof
people’s personal achievements. Did your boss get promoted to her presentposition one year ago today? Did your client go public? How much morememorablethanabirthdaycardtosendaone-yearcongratulationsnote.Rememberingpeople’sprivatepassionsisanother.Severalyearsago,Iwrote
regularly for amagazine.My then editor, Carrie, was obsessed with her newkittennamedCookie.RecentlyIranintoCarrieatawriters’conference.Inearlyconversation I said to her, ‘I guess Cookie’s a full-grown cat by now. Howisshe?’
Carrie’sastonishedsmilewasmyreward.‘Leil,’ she squealed, ‘I can’t believe you remember Cookie. Yes, she’s fine
nowand…’CarriewentonforanothertenminutesaboutCookie,thenowfull-growncat.
Technique75:
TrackingLike an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of yourConversationPartners’lives.Refertotheminyourconversationlikeamajornewsstory.Itcreatesapowerfulsenseofintimacy.When you envoke the last major or minor event in anyone’s life, it
confirms the deep conviction that he or she is an old-style hero aroundwhom the world revolves. And people love you for recognizing theirstardom.
Aweek later I got a call fromCarrie askingme if I’d do a big story for hermagazine. Did she think of me because I used the Tracking technique andrememberedCookie?Nobodycansay,but Ihavemysuspicions. I’veseen theTracking technique work on too many people to assume the rewards arecoincidental.
How do politicians remember so many facts to track about so many people?Theyusethefollowingtechnique.
‘Howdidyourememberthat?’
Severalyearsago,Iattendedapoliticalfund-raisingeventinaMidwesternstate.Oneguest intriguedme.SometimesI’dseehiminanimatedconversationwithseveral people.Other times, he’d be standing alone scribbling somethingon acard in his hand. Then the next time I’d look up, he’d be chatting it upwithsomeoneelse.Thenextminute,he’dbescribblinginhishandagain.Herepeatedthispatternforoveranhour.Ibecameascuriousasanosyneighbour.Whowasthisfellow?At one point during the evening, I was standing alone by the refreshment
table.He cameup tomewith abig smile, awarmhandshake, and introducedhimself.‘Hi,I’mJoeSmith.’HeaskedmewhatIwasdrinking.Itoldhimwhitewineandwestarteddiscussingpreferences.IhappenedtomentionmyfavouritewhitewasSancerre.Whilewe talked, Ihad tobitemy tongue to resist askinghimwhathe’dbeenuptowiththefeverishnotetaking.Afewminuteslater,Ispottedafriendacrosstheroomandexcusedmyself.He
askedformycardand,asIwalkedaway,Ipeekedovermyshoulder.Iknewit!Therehewas,scribblingonmycard.Thatwasmyopening.Iturnedbackand,trying to pass my inquiry off as a joke, said, ‘Hey, I didn’t give you mymeasurements.What’sthatyou’rewriting?’Hegave a hearty laugh atmy tasteless joke and said, ‘You caughtme!’He
turned over my card and I saw one word written on it, ‘Sancerre.’ Then, toassuage my paranoia, he emptied his pocketful of people’s business cards toshowmescribblesonthebackofeach.IassumeditwasjustJoe’slittlesystemtohelphimrememberpeople.Itwasn’tuntilmonthslaterthatIsawthemethodtohismadness.
OnemorningIwenttomymailboxandfoundapersonalpostcardfromJoe.Hetoldmehewasrunningforstatesenator.Thenatthebottomofthecard,he’dwritten,‘HadanygoodSancerrelately?’Thatwonmyheart.HadIlivedinhisstate,alittletouchlikethatmighthaveswayedmyvotetohim.
Technique76:
ThebusinesscarddossierRightafteryou’vetalkedtosomeoneataparty, takeoutyourpen.Ontheback of his or her business card write notes to remind you of theconversation: his favourite restaurant, sport, film, or drink; whom sheadmires,whereshegrewup,ahighschoolhonour;ormaybeajokehetold.In your next communication, toss off a reference to the favourite
restaurant,film,movie,drink,hometown,highschoolprize.Orreprievethelaughoverthegreatjoke.
They may not jump up and down asking, ‘How did you remember that?’Nevertheless, theywill rememberyou.Nomatterhowimportant theVIP,heorshesensesaspecialkinshipwiththepersonwhoreferstootherthantheirusualwell-knownaccomplishments.Politicians are constantly selling themselves. (If you’ve everwonderedwhy
America is called ‘TheLandofPromise,’ justkeepyourearsopen inelectionyear.)But,ofcourse, toknowwhat topromisepeople,politiciansuse thenextsupersalestechniquecalledEyeballSelling.
Keepyoureyesopentoseeeverywordtheydon’tsay
Thepercentageof sales that Jimmi, agood friendofmine,makes isnot tobebelieved. Even his sales manager doesn’t know how he does it. But I do.Becausehetoldme.Jimmi says the fancy sales techniques he’s learned over the years (Benefits
Selling, Partnering, Selling to Personality Types, Value-Added Concept,RejectionProofing,SpinSelling)allpalenexttowhathecallsEyeballSelling.Eyeball Selling is not memorizing two dozen closing techniques. Nor is it
verballysparringwithacustomertoovercomeobjections.Jimmisaysit’squitesimplykeepinghiseyesopen,watchinghiscustomer’sreactions,andadjustinghissalespitchaccordingtohowhiscustomer’sbodymoves.While Jimmi is giving his sales pitch, he’s concentratingmore on how his
customer fidgets, twitches, and squirms than on what he’s saying. He’sscrutinizinghiscustomer’sinvoluntaryheadmovements.He’sstudyingherhandgestures, her body rotation, her facial expressions – evenher eye fluctuations.Jimmisayswhenhiscustomerisnotsayingaword,evenifshe’stryingtogiveyouapokerface,shecannotnotcommunicate.Shemaynotsayinwordshowreceptive she is to your pitch, but she’s clearly tellingyounonetheless. Jimmisaysknowingwhatturnsaprospecton,whatturnsheroff,andwhatleavesherneutralfrommomenttomomentcanmakeorbreakthesale.
HowJimmifindsoutwherethebuckstops
Theproduct Jimmi sells is expensive lightingequipment.Oftenhemustmakesalespresentationstogroupsoften,twenty,ormorepeople.Hesays,‘ThefirstchallengeinEyeballSellingisdiscoveringwhotherealdecisionmakeris.’
Jimmimeetshischallenge inanunorthodox (notnecessarily recommended)way. Right after ‘Good afternoon, gentlemen and ladies,’ he says somethingslightly confusing. Why? Because the surprised group doesn’t know how toreact. So their heads all twirl likeweather vanes on awindy day to look at –guess who – the honcho, the heavyweight, the head man or woman. NowJimmi’sgothisdecisionmakersohecancontinueEyeballSellingtothatperson.
Whattodowhenyougetyourcue
‘Some signals are obvious,’ Jimmi says. ‘People shrug their shoulders forindifference, tap their fingers for impatience, or loosen their collarwhen theyfeeluncomfortable.ButtherearehundredsofotherunconsciousgesturesIkeepmyantennaetunedfor.‘Forexample, Iwatch theexactangleofmyprospect’sheadposition. If it’s
fully facingme,especially if it’scockedatacute littleangle, itmeans they’reinterested. In that case, I keep right on talking. But if their head is slightlyturningaway,that’sabadsign.Itakeitasacuetochangethesubjectandmaybetalkaboutadifferentbenefitofmyproduct.’Jimminotonlytailorswhathe’ssayingtohiscustomers’reactions,heactively
takessteps tochangehisprospect’sbodyposition ifhefeels it’snot receptive.Hesays,‘Thebodymustbeopenbeforethemindcanfollow.’Forexample,hecontinues,‘Ifyourcustomerhashisarmscrossedinfrontofhischest,handhimsomethingtolookatsohehastounfoldthemtotakeitfromyou.’Jimmialwayscarriesabriefcasefullofpropstobreakdownthebarriers.Hehasphotosofhiswife and kids to hand married prospects, snapshots of his Skye terrier forcustomers that have a dog, an antique watch to show antique lovers, and apocket-sizecomputertoshowgadgetfanatics.Jimmisays,‘AslongasIcangetthemtoopentheirarmstoreachforsomething,Ihaveashotattheirminds.’Jimmi also paces the timing of his pitch to match his customers’ covert
reactions. When his client reaches for an object, he takes it as a cue to talkslower, or just be quiet.Reaching for a paper clip or fondling a folder on thedesksays,‘I’mthinkingaboutit.’Ofcourse,Jimmiisonconstantlookoutforsales-readysignalslikepickingup
thecontract, fondling thepen,or turning theirpalmsup.At thatpoint,hecutsquicklytotheclose.Another cue to bring out the contract-signing pen is when your prospect’s
headstartsbobbingupanddownlikeaplasticduck.They’resilentlyscreaming,
‘Yes, I’ll buy!’Unskilled salespeople just keepon talkinguntil they finish thepitch they learned in training. Many keep talking so long, they unsellthemselves. Conversely,when customersmove their heads back and forth, nomatterwhattheyaresaying,theymean‘No!’
Eyeballingisnotforsellingonly
Withoutaword,yourfriendsandlovedonesalsoshowtheirwishes.WhenmyfriendDeborahbecameengagedtoTony,itseemedobvioustoeveryone–exceptDeborah–thatitwasnotamarriagemadeinheaven.AfewmonthsbeforetheirweddingIsaid,‘Deb,areyoureallysureTony’stheoneforyou?’‘Ohyes,’shesaid,herheadmovingrightandleft,backandforth,‘Ilovehim
verymuch.’Thatmarriagenevertookplace.Herbodyrecognizedwhathermindhadn’tyetrealized.Likeapolitician, thinkofyoursocialconversationsassalespitches.Evenif
you have no product, youwant them to buy your ideas. If your listener turnsawaywhileyou’retalking,don’tconcentrateonhowrudethepersonis.Likeasalespro,askyourself,‘HowcanIchangethesubjecttoturnthispersonon?’Iftheirwhole body starts to turn away, use the time-honoured personal questionploy.Askabouttheirfavouritetopic.‘George,howbigdidyousaythatbassyoucaught last week was?’ Or use his name and ask a personal question. That’salways a grabber. ‘Archibald,what did you say the nameof your high schoolfootballteamwas?’We’ve talkedaboutonlyafewresponses.Hintsforreadingsomeone’sbody
languagecouldfillabook.Infact,theyhave–manyofthem.Isuggestafewofmyfavouritesinthereferences.21-26Readuponbodylanguageandtuneintoitsvisual channel whenever you’re trying to sell to people, get their vote, orconvince themyou’re thebest candidate for the jobor the roleof lifepartner.Wouldn’t it be super to have Jimmi’s success ratewithour listeners acceptingwhateverwesay?Wecanifwejustkeepoureyesopen.
Technique77:
EyeballsellingThe human body is a twenty-four-hour broadcasting station that transmits‘You thrillme.’ ‘Youboreme.’ ‘I love that aspectofyourproduct.’ ‘Thatoneputsmyfeettosleep.’
Set the hidden cameras behind your eyeballs to pick up on all yourcustomers’ and friends’ signals. Then plan your pitch and your paceaccordingly.
Aquickreview
That’sall thereis toit.You’llremembertoeatbeforecomingtotheparty(theMunching or Mingling technique) to leave your hands free for heavynetworking.When you arrive, you’ll stop in the doorway andRubberneck theRoomtogetthelayoftheland.Whilerubbernecking,you’llBetheChooser,NottheChoosee and pick your prospects for the evening.When standing around,yourhandswillberelaxingintheinvitingComeHitherposition.Youhaven’t forgotten,ofcourse, touse themeeting-people techniquesfrom
previouschapters.Ifyouspotsomeoneyouwanttotalkto,checkthemoutforaWhatzityoucancommenton.Findingnone,justaskthepartygiver,Whoozat?Ifthehostorhostessisnotinsight,simplystandnearyourtargetandresorttotheEavesdropIntechnique.While chattingwith anyoneyou’vepreviouslymet, youwill, of course, use
TrackingtowintheirvoteorheartandallthetechniquesinPartTwotoassuretheconversationisinterestingforyournewacquaintance.Finally,you’llemployEyeballSellingtomakesureyou’reontargetwitheveryconversation.Anddon’tforget, asyousay ‘so long,’ to scribblematerial foryournextcontactonyourBusinessCardDossier.It’s a good feeling when you’ve done it all right. Continue using these
techniquespoliticiansusetoworkaroom,andyou’llsuffernomoreunimportantparties. And, following the advice throughout the book, you’ll never strikeanyoneasanunimportantperson.
NowwemoveontotheadvancedsectionofHowtoTalktoAnyone.Someofthe following techniques may make you scratch your head in confusion. Payspecialattentiontotheonesthatdobecauseitmeanssomewhere,sometime,youmight findyourself scratchingyourheadoversomethingmuchmorepainful–likethebumpfromhittingaglassceiling,orwhythebusinessdeal,friendship,orloveaffairwentsour.Youmightneverknow,unlessyoureadithere, that itwasyourowncommunicationsfumble.
Everyweek,whenIwasakid,mymothertookmetotheNationalGeographicSocietytoseeafilm.Theoneontigersinvadesmynightmaresthesemanyyearslater.Sittingthereinthedarkenedtheatre,Iwatchedamothergivebirthtothreetinycubs.Onewasbornwithamangledleg.Iwitnessedhowalltheothertigercubsexcludedhim.Andright there in frontof thecameras,hewas tortured todeathbytheothers.Iremembercryingandthinkinghowthehealthycubswerelikeafewofthekidsinmyschool.Sometimestheycouldbeverycruel.Mybest friend in high schoolwas namedStella. Stellawas a beautiful girl
inside and out. But she had a speech defect, a cleft palate. Andmany of ourclassmateslaughedatherbehindherbackandexcludedherfromtheirgames.Kids haven’t changed much. When I give talks for colleges and young
people’sgroups, thediscussionoften turns topopularity.Everyonewants tobeliked. Occasionally students tell me stories about how some girl has a minorphysicaldefect,sayacrossedeyeoranervoustwitch.Theysaysomekidslaughand make fun of her. Or a boy has a limp so no one chooses him for theirbaseball team. Even if he can run just as fast as the other kids, some of hisclassmatesdon’tlikeimageof‘acripple’beingontheirside.Theyearsgobyandkidsbecomeadults.Not toomuchchanges.Adultsare
not as cruel, happily, about physical disabilities. But they can be brutal aboutsocial disabilities. Social disabilities are insidious because often we don’t
recognizetheminourselves.Wecanbeblindtooursocialhandicapsanddeaftoourverbaldeficiencies.Butwe’requicktorecognizetheminothers.Howmanytimeshasoneofyourassociatesmadeadumb,insensitivegaffe?
Howoften have youwritten somebodyoff because of some stupidmove?Doyou thinkheknewwhathewasdoing?Ofcoursenot.Hehadno ideahewascrossingalineorsteppingonyourtoes.Probablynooneevertoldhimaboutthesubtletieswe’regoingtodiscussinthisfinalsectionofHowtoTalktoAnyone.We’veallheardabouttheglassceilingsomecompaniesconstructoverwomen
andminorities.Peopleseldomdiscussanotherkindofglassceiling.Thisoneiseven more treacherous because you can’t legislate against it and only TopCommunicatorsrecognizeit.Yetit’sarock-hardshield.Manybrightindividualshit their heads on the thick glass as they try to climb up the next rung of theladdertojointheBigBoysandGirlsontop.Thefolksabletocrashthrougharetheoneswhoabidebytheunspokenrulesthatfollow.Considereachof thefollowingtechniques.Ifyoufindanyof themobvious,
giveyourselfapatontheback.Itmeansyou’realreadyatigeronthatone.Beon the lookout for those communications sensitivitieswhereyou findyourselfsaying,‘Yougottabekidding!What’swrongwiththat?’Watchout!Itmeanssomeday,somewhere,youmightcommit thatparticular
insensitivity. Then, when a Big Winner responds coolly to your suggestion,doesn’t return your phone call, doesn’t give you the promotion, doesn’t inviteyou to the party, doesn’t accept your date, you’ll never knowwhat happened.Readeachofthefollowingtechniquestoassureyou’renotmakinganyofthesesubtlemistakes,thatlettheBigPlayerslacerateyouandkeepyoufromgettingwhatyouwantinlife.
‘Gesundheit!’‘Whoops!’‘Butterfingers!’
OneremarkablereactionopenedmyeyestoyetanotherdifferencebetweenBigWinnersandlittlelosers.SeveralyearsagoIwasdoingaprojectforaclient.Ihad the pleasure of being taken to lunch by the four biggest fish in the firm.Theywanted to familiarizemewith communications problems their companywasexperiencing.Wewent to a busymidtown restaurant at peak lunchtime. Every table was
filledwithavarietyofcorporatecreatures.Upper-andmiddle-managementtypeswere lunching in their suits and ties or high-collar blouses. Workers andsecretariesweremunchingintheirblueshirtsorshortskirts.Therestaurantwasbuzzingwithconversationandconviviality.Overtheentrée,wewereindeepdiscussionaboutthecompany’schallenges.
TheCFO,Mr.Wilson,was talking about the financial outlookwhen suddenly,BLAM!Notsixfeetaway,awaiterdroppedatrayfullofdishes.Glassesbroke,silverwareclatteredagainstthemarblefloor,andahotbakedpotatorolledunderourtableinadirectpathforWilson’sfeet.Practicallyeveryoneintherestaurantturnedtowardthehumiliatedwaiter.We
heardacacophonyof‘Uh-oh,’‘Butterfingers!’‘Whoops,watchit!’‘Boy,that’shislastlunchhere,’andavarietyoftitteringandderisivelaughter.Wilson,however,didn’tmissawordofhismonologue.NotoneBigPlayerat
mytableturnedorblinkedaneye.Itwasasthoughnothinghadhappened.Therestaurantgraduallyquieteddownaroundusaswecontinuedourdeliberations.(Afewminuteslaterthebakedpotatoshotbackoutfromunderourtable.Atthatmoment,IfoundmyselfwonderingwhetherWilsonhadbeenasoccerplayerinhisyouth.)
Over coffee, the director of marketing, Ms Dawson, was discussing thecompany’splannedexpansion.Suddenlyshemadeanexpansivegesturewithherarmsthatknockedoverhercoffeecup.JustasIwasabouttosay,‘Ohdear,’Ibitmy tongue. Before I could grabmy napkin to help,Dawsonwas dabbing themuddypuddlewithhers,andnotmissingasyllableofhersoliloquy.Noneofhercoolcolleaguesatthetableevenseemedtonoticetheoverturnedcup.At that instant, I realized Big Boys and Girls see no bloopers, hear no
bloopers.Theyneversay‘Butterfingers.’Or‘Whoops.’Oreven‘Uh-oh.’Theyignoretheircolleagues’boners.Theysimplydon’tnoticetheircomrades’minorspills, slips, fumblesandblunders.Thus, the techniqueSeeNoBloopers,HearNoBlooperswasborn.
Letmesufferinyoursilence
IhaveonefriendwhoeverytimeIsneezesays,‘Oh,areyoucomingdownwithacold?’EverytimeImissasteponakerb,it’s‘Becareful!’Everytimeheseesmeafteralongday’sworkheasks,‘Areyoutired?’Granted,thisissmallfryinthegreatbouillabaisseofbloopers.Andthepoorguyprobablygenuinelythinkshe’sbeingsensitivetomyneeds.But,darnit,comingdownwithacold,missingthekerb,andlookingtiredarelessthancool.Letmesuffer–inYOURsilence.Ifyou’rehavingdinnerwitha friendandshemakesaboob,beblind toher
overturnedglass.Bedeaftohersneeze,cough,orhiccups.Nomatterhowwell-meaning your ‘gesundheit,’ ‘whoops,’ or knowing smile, nobody likes to beremindedoftheirownhumanfrailty.‘Fine,’ you say, ‘for small slips, but what should one do in extreme
circumstances?’SayaripplingtideofCoca-Colaisfloodingacrossthetableinyourdirectionanditwillbeimpossibletoignorebythetimeitreachesyourlap?If possible, deftly flip your napkin to obstruct the current and keep talking.
Trynottomissasyllableofthesentenceyoustartedbeforetheoncomingtide.At this point, your companion might mutter incoherent apologies. Adroitlyweave a parenthetical ‘It’s nothing’ into your current phrase and continuetalking.OnsuchsmallsandsthecastlesofBigCatcamaraderiearebuilt.
Technique78:
Seenobloopers,hearnobloopers
Cool Communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances, andlovedonesthepleasurablemythofbeingabovecommonplacebloopersandembarrassingbiologicalfunctions.Theysimplydon’tnoticetheircomrades’minorspills,slips,fumbles,andfauxpas.Theyobviouslyignoreraspberriesand all other signs of human frailty in their fellowmortals. BigWinnersnevergapeatanother’sgaffes.
Ifpeoplehatetoberemindedofthemomentswhenthey’renotshining,thereisanother event almost as disillusioning. It is when a talker is shining, and thespotlightabruptlypivotstoamoreurgentmatter.Thespeakerisforgottenintheflurry.TopCommunicatorsputtheglowbackinthegloomygabber’seyeswiththe
techniquethatfollows.
‘Now,pleasegetbacktoyourstory’
InancientJapan, ifyousavedsomeone’s life, itwas theirself-imposed task tospendtherestoftheirlifeservingyou.Nowadays,ifyourescuesomeone’sstory,amoleculeofthatancientinstinctstillgushesthroughhisorherveins.Ithappensallthetime.Someoneinagroupistellingastoryand,justbefore
theirbigpoint,BOOM!There’saninterruption.Someonenewjoinsthegroup,acateringpersonwithatrayofcrackersandcheesecomesover,orababystartscrying.Suddenlyeveryone’sattentionturnstothenewarrival,thenibblesonthetray,orthe‘adorable’littletyke.Nobodyisawareoftheinterruption–exceptthespeaker.They forget all about the fact that the speaker hasn’tmadehis or herpoint.Or you’re all sitting around the living room and someone is telling a joke.
Suddenly,justbeforetheirbigpunchline,littleJohnnydropsadishorthephonerings.Afterthecrash,everyonetalksaboutlittleJohnny’sclumsiness.Afterthecall, the subject turns to the impending marriage or medical operation of thecaller. Nobody remembers the great punch line got aborted – except the joketeller. (When it’syou regaling everyone at a restaurant, haveyou ever noticedhowyoucanalmostsetyourclockbythewaitercomingtotakeeveryone’sorderjustbeforeyourhilariouspunchline?)Mostjokeandstorytellersaretootimidtosay,aftertheinvasion,‘Now,asI
was saying…’ Instead, they’ll spend the rest of the evening feelingmiserablethey didn’t get to finish. Here’s where you come in. Rescue them with thetechniqueIcallLendaHelpingTongue.Watch the gratitude in the storyteller’s eyes as he stabilizeswhere his story
sunkandhesailsoffagaintowardthecentreofattention.Hisexpressionandtherecognitionofyoursensitivitybytherestofthegroupareoftenrewardenough.Youareevenmorefortunateifyoucanrescuethestoryofsomeonewhocanhire
you,promoteyou,buyfromyou,orotherwise liftyour life.BigWinnershaveelephantinememories.Whenyoudo them subtle favours likeLend aHelpingTongue,theyfindawaytopayyouback.
Technique79:
LendahelpingtongueWhenever someone’s story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out.Giveeveryonetimetodoteonthelittledarling,givetheirdinnerorder,orpickupthejaggedpiecesofchina.Then,whenthegroupreassembles,simplysaytothepersonwhosuffered
story-interruptus, ‘Now please get back to your story.’ Or better yet,rememberwhere theywere and then ask, ‘Sowhat happened after the…(andfillinthelastfewwords.)’
HarveyMackay, theworld’smost notable networkerwho rose from envelopesalesmantocorporateCEOandoneofAmerica’smostsought-afterbusinessandmotivational speakers, teachesus that theworldgoes aroundon favours.Howrightheis!Thenextthreetechniquesrevealunspokensubtletiesofthiscriticalbalanceofpower.
‘Look,here’swhat’sinitforme–here’swhat’sinitforyou’
Savvy businesspeople know everyone is constantly tuned to the same radiostation – WIIFM. Whenever anyone says anything, the listener’s instinctivereactionisWhat’sinIt forMe?Salesproshaveelevatedthisconstantquerytotheexaltedstatusofacronym,WIIFM.TheypaysuchstrictattentiontotheWIIFM
principle that they don’t open their pitchwith the features of their product orservice.Topprosstartbyhighlightingthebenefitstothebuyer.Exceptfortacticalreasonsduringsensitivenegotiating,BigWinnerslayboth
What’sinItforMe?andWhat’sinItforYou?(WIIFY)rightoutonthetable.Thisissocriticalthat,ifonecamouflagesWIIFMorWIIFY,theconcealerisrelegatedtothestatusoflittleloser.I once invited a casual acquaintance to lunch. I had hoped to consult with
Sam,theheadofamarketingassociation,onmyspeakingbusiness.I toldhimmydesire and jokingly asked if anhour of his valuable timewas available inreturnforlunchatagreatrestaurant.Thatwasmywayofsaying,‘LookSam,Iknowthere’snorealbenefittoyouexceptatastylunchandthedubiouspleasureofmycompany.’(Inotherwords,IwasrevealingWIIFY.)Tomakethemeetingeven more convenient for him, I said, ‘Sam, choose the date and the bestrestaurantinyourneighbourhood.’Thedayofour lunchconsultation lunch rolledaroundand I travelled forty-
fiveminutesacrosstowntohischosenrestaurant.AsIentered,IwassurprisedtoseeanassortmentofpeoplearrangedaroundthelargesttableintheroomwithSamas the smiling centrepiece.Obviously, thiswasnot the setting inwhich Icouldconsultwithhim.Unfortunately,Samhadalreadyspottedmebythecoatcheck.Iwastrapped.
It wasn’t until after-lunch coffee arrived that I realized why Sam hadassembledthegroup.Hewantedeachtodonatepresentationsontheirparticularexpertisetohisorganization.Theslyfoxhadn’trevealedhisownWhat’sinItforMe?HadSambeenastraightshooterandBigPlayer,hewouldhavetoldmeonthe
phone, ‘Leil, I’m getting a group of speakers who might be helpful to myorganization together for a Dutch-treat lunch. I will, of course, try to answeryour questions about your speaking business, but we will be a group of ten.Wouldyou like to joinus,or shallwechooseanotherdatewhenwecanhavemoreprivacy?’IwouldgladlyhavespokenprobonoforSam’sgrouphadhebeenup-front
about it. Instead, by not revealingWIIFM, we both lost. I lost a half day and,becauseofhistrickiness,helostmyfreespeechforhisgroup.
Don’tdenythemthepleasureofhelpingyou
BigWinnersalsolaytheircardsonthetablewhenaskingsomeoneforafavour.Manywell-meaningfolksareembarrassedtosayhowimportantthefavouristothem.Sotheyaskasthoughit’sacasualinquirywhenit’snot.A friend of mine named Stefan once asked me if I knew any bands his
organizationcouldhirefortheirannualevent.Itoldhim‘No,I’msorry.Ireallydon’t.’ButStefandidn’tletitgoatthat.Hepressed,‘Leil,didn’tyouonceworkwithbandsonships?’Itoldhim‘Yes,butInolongerhavecontactwiththem.’Ithoughtthatwasthe
end of it. But Stefan didn’t.He grilledme further and I foundmyself gettingconfused and irritated. Finally I said, ‘Stefan, who’s in charge of getting theband?’Hesheepishlysaid,‘Iam.’‘Criminyjicketts,Stefan,whydidn’tyoutellmeitwasyourresponsibility?In
thatcase,letmedosomeresearchandseeifIcanfindagoodoneforyou.’Iwashappytodomyfriendafavour.ButStefan,bynottellingmehowimportantitwas to him, riskednot gettinghelp.He alsowent downanotchor two in hisfriend’sesteembynotrevealingWIIFM.Whenaskingsomeoneforafavour,letthemknowhowmuchitmeanstoyou.
Youcomeacross as a straight shooter, and the joyofhelpingyouout isoftenrewardenough.Don’tdenythemthatpleasure!
Technique80:
BaretheburiedWIIFM(andWIIFY)Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favour, divulge the respectivebenefits.Revealwhat’sinitforyouandwhat’sinitfortheotherperson–even if it’s zip. If any hidden agenda comes up later, you get labelled aslyfox.
Askingorgrantingfavoursisafabricthatholdstogetheronlywhenwovenwithutmostsensitivity.Letusexploremorewaystostitchthisdelicateclothsoyourrelationshipdoesn’trip.
Letthesunset–andriseagain–beforeyoumakeyourmove
SusanEvans,oneofmyclients,headsupalargerealestatefirm.Once,sittinginherofficediscussinganupcomingproject,hersecretarybuzzed.‘Excuseme,MsEvans,it’syourbrother-in-lawHarryonthephone.’‘Oh,ofcourse,’shesmiled,‘puthimon.’Myclient,makingapologiesforthe
interruption,pickedupthephone.Ilefttheroomforafewmomentstogiveherprivacy.WhenI returned,Susanwas justhangingup,saying, ‘Sure,havehimphone
me.’ She told me the call was from her brother-in-law whose young cousinworkedinagasstationbutwasinterestedinacareerinrealestate.‘TheyoungmanisgoingtocallmeandI’llseeifIcanhelphimout.’Itwasobviousshewashappytodoherbrother-in-lawafavour.Wepickedupourdiscussionwhereweleftoff.Notfourminuteslater,thesecretarybuzzedagain.‘MsEvans,aSonnyLaker
isontheline.Hesayshe’syourbrother-in-lawHarry’scousinandhe’ssupposedtocallyou.’Myclientwastakenaback.Icouldtellfromherexpressionshewassaying to herself, ‘Boy,my overanxious brother-in-law didn’twaste any time,did he?’ It seemed obvious to both of us what had happened. Like greasedlightning,Harrymusthavehot-breathedlycalledCousinSonnytogivehimthebigheadline:EvansWouldSeeHim!Then,bydiallingMsEvansimmediately,Sonnymadeitseemthebig-dealinterviewwasthemostimportanteventinhisotherwisedullanddismallife.True or not, one verity remained – Little Cousin was insensitive to an
unspokenruleBigWinnersalwaysobey:don’tjumpimmediatelywhensomeoneisdoingyouafavour.Allowthepersongrantingthefavourtimetosavourthepleasureofagreeingtoit,beforehavingtopayup.
Bothbrother-in-lawandpotentialemployeeslipped inEvans’sestimate,andall because of timing. To ensure the kid wouldn’t call his real-estate-mogulsister-in-law too quickly, Harry should have waited a day before telling hiscousin the good news. Also, young Sonny should have asked Cousin HarryaboutEvans’sschedule.Sometimesan immediatecall isadvantageous,butnotwhensomeoneisgrantingyouafavour.
Technique81:
Let’emsavourthefavourWhenever a friend agrees to a favour, allowyourgenerousbuddy time torelishthejoyofhisorherbeneficencebeforeyoumakethempaythepiper.Howlong?Atleasttwenty-fourhours.
OnemightthinkEvanswasunfairjudgingSonnyharshlyjustbecausehedidn’tletherSavourtheFavour.Itrunsdeeperthanthat.Evans’ssubconsciousthoughtprocess goes something like this: ‘If this kid is insensitive to the subtleties oftimingwhengettingajob,howsensitiveishegoingtobewhennegotiatingthesaleofahouse?’Oneagent’soveranxiouscalltoanownercanmeanthousandslostincommissionsforthefirm.
Big Winners have supernatural vision into your future. They see everycommunications blunder youmake as a visible blotch on your x-ray. It dimsyourprognosisforbeingsuccessfulinlife.
Let’slookatyetanothertenuousthreadbetweenfavouraskerandfavourgrantorthatmustnotbeseveredlesttherelationshipunravel.
‘Ididitjustbecauseilikeyou’
I once asked a well-connected friend whoworks in a top Los Angeles talentagency if sheknewanycelebrities Icouldcontact foraproject Iwasworkingon.TaniaflippedthoughherRolodexandcameupwithjustthenamesIneeded.Itwasobvioustobothofus,Iowedherbigtime.WhenI thankedherprofuselyon thephone,Taniasaid, ‘OhI’msureyou’ll
findawaytopaymeback.’‘Well,ofcourseIwill,’Isaid.‘Thatgoeswithoutsaying.’Andwellitshould
have gone without saying. She was reminding me the favour wasn’t out offriendship,butbecausesheexpectedsomethinginreturn.Twodayslater,TaniacalledandsaidshewascomingtoNewYorkinafew
months.ShewasjustcheckingnowifIcouldputherupthen.NaturallyIcould,butblatantlycashinginonthereturnfavoursoquicklywasnotasmoothmove.When someone does something nice for you, you find yourself with anelephant’smemory.Infact,youconsciouslylookforwaystoreturnthefavour.HadTaniacalled,evenyearslater,ofcourseIwouldhaveremembered‘Iowedherone.’Frankly, Iwasglad it cameup soquickly so I could even the score.Nevertheless, I do wish the whole barter aspect had been left unspoken. Ittarnished what should have been a generous sharing on both sides. Tarnishalwayswearsoffonthetarnisher.Whenyoudosomeoneafavourandtheyobviously‘oweyouone,’waitafew
weeks.Don’tmakeitlookliketitfortat.Allowthefavouraskerthepleasurablemyth thatyou joyfullydid thefavourwithno thoughtofwhatyou’regoing togetinreturn.Theyknowthat’snottrue.Youknowthat’snottrue.Butonlylittlelosersmakeitobvious.
Technique82:
Titfor(wait…wait)tatWhenpeople do you favours and it’s obvious ‘they oweyou one,’wait asuitableamountoftimebeforeaskingthemto‘pay.’Letthemenjoythefact(orfiction)thatyoudiditoutoffriendship.Don’tcallinyourtitfortheirtattooswiftly.
Thenext threetechniquesalsoinvolvetiming,notoffavours,butof importantdiscussions.
Thefirstofthreesafehavens
Whenpolicewerehotonthetailofathiefinancienttimes,he’dfranticallyseekachurchtoduckinto.Thecrookknewifhecouldgettoanaltar,thefrustratedpossecouldnotarresthimuntilhecameout.When a pack of wolves in the jungle is in hot pursuit of a jackrabbit, the
frightenedbunny’seyes seekahollow log.Heknows thewolvescan’tdevourhimuntilheemerges.Likewise in thehuman jungle,BigCats have certain safehavens.Although
unspoken,theyareassecureasthetenth-centuryaltaroraholeinthelog.Thereareclearlyunderstoodtimesandplaceswhereeventhetoughesttigerknowshemustnotattack.Ihaveafriend,Kirstin,thepresidentofanadvertisingagencywhoeachyear
invitesmetohercompany’sChristmasparty.Oneyear,theholidayspiritwasinextra-highswing.Convivialitywashighandchampagneflowedfreely.Itwasaterrificbash.The evening wore on, more bubbly flowed, and the decibel level of the
holidayrevellerswentupandup.Sohigh,infact,thatKirstintoldmeshewasgoingtotiptoeoutthebackdoorandofferedtodropmeoffatmyplace.Asweweremakingourwaytowardtheexit,weheardawoozyvoiceinthe
crowd, ‘OhKirrr-stin,Kirrr-stin!’Amail-roomworker,warpedwith toomuchseasonal spirit,wobbled up to her boss and said, ‘Youknow, thish ish a greatparty,agrr-reatparty.ButIbeendoin’somefiguring.Ifhalfwhatitcostwentintoachild-carefacilityfortheseven,count’em,sevenmotherswithpre-schoolchildrenwhoworkhere…’Kirstin, aTopCommunicator, took Jane’s hands in hers and gave her a big
smile. She said, ‘Jane, you’re obviously excellent atmaths. You’re right, just
abouthalfofwhat thisparty costwould indeedpay for theopeningof suchafacility. Let’s talk about it during business hours.’ We then made a swiftdeparture.Onthewaybacktomyplace,sheletoutabigbreathandsaid,‘Whew,I’m
gladthat’sover.’‘Didn’tyouenjoytheparty,Kirstin?’Iasked.‘Well, sure,’ she said, ‘But you never know what’s going to happen. For
instance,’shesaid,‘thatremarkJanemade.’Shewentontoexplainmanagementhad already had several meetings about opening a child-care facility foremployees. In fact, plans for turning an unused storage area into a beautifulnursery were already in the works. Naively, I asked Kirstin why she hadn’tmentionedthattoJane.‘Itwasn’ttherighttimeorplace.’Kirstinhadhandledthesituationattheparty
theway anyBigWinnerwould – no spoken confrontation now (but probablesilentcondemnationlater).Jane,unfortunately,hadbrokenthefirstunspokensafe-havenrule,PartiesAre
for Pratter. Did Kirstin chastise Jane? Did she punish her inappropriatebehaviour? Not then, of course. Nevertheless, Jane would probably feel therepercussionsafewmonthsdownthepikewhenitcametopromotiontime.ButbythenpoorJanewouldn’tevenknowwhyshewaspassedover.Will it bebecauseof aone-timeover-imbibing? Janemightgrumble, ‘Yes.’
Janeiswrong.It’ssimplythatBigPlayerscan’ttakethechancethatoneoftheirkey people will feel too much holiday spirit at another party, and next timeconfrontanimportantclient.
Technique83:
PartiesareforpratterThere are three sacred safe havens in the human jungle where even thetoughesttigerknowshemustnotattack.Thefirstoftheseisparties.Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not for confrontations.
BigPlayers, evenwhen standingnext to their enemies at thebuffet table,smileandnod.Theyleavetoughtalkfortoughersettings.
Let’smove to the second safe havenwhereBigCats can escape the claws ofBiggerCatsand,theyhope,thegrowlsoflesserones.
Toughnegotiatingcankillyourappetite
Did you ever wonder why business lunches between Big Bosses go oninterminablylong,sometimeswellintotheafternoon?Didyoueversuspectit’sjust because they like to sit, drink, and massage each other on the companyexpense account? Perhaps there’s an element of that. But the main reason isbecause the dining table is an evenmore sacred safe haven than a party. BigBoys and Girls realize, whether it’s a business dinner, lunch, or breakfast,breakingbreadtogetherisatimewhentheymustdiscussnounpleasantaspectsofthebusiness.Let’slisteninonanaveragebusinesslunchbetweenBigPlayers.Wehearthe
clanking of glasses as they consume drinks over convivial conversation.Theyarediscussinggolf,theweather,andmakinggeneralobservationsaboutthestateof the business.During themain course, the discourse turns to food, the arts,currentaffairs,andothernonthreateningsubjects.‘Wastedtime?’onemightask.Notatall!TheBigPlayersarewatchingeach
other’s moves very carefully, calculating each other’s skills, knowledge,prowess. Like NFL scouts observing college football practice, they’redetermining who’s got the right stuff. Big Players know how people handlethemselves at a social occasion is an accurate barometer of their big-businessmuscle. As they are smiling and laughing at each other’s jokes, they are allmakingsilentcriticaljudgments.Finally, coffee arrives. At this point one or more of the biggies gently
broaches the business at hand. Naturally, he or she does it with supposedreluctance,tryingtorepresstheobviousreliefthatat last theycangetdowntosignificantstuff.Heexudes,‘Whatashamesuchgenialcompanyshouldhavetoconcernitselfwithmundanematterslikemakingmoney.’
Onlyaftertheyhaveplayedoutthiscrucialcharadecantheydiscussbusiness.Butnodirtybusiness.TheBiggiescanbrainstormovercoffee.Theycandiscussproposalsoverdessert.Theycantossaroundnewideasovercordials.Theycanexplorethepositivesideofthemerger,theacquisition,orthepartnershipwhilewaitingforthecheque.However,shouldanydisagreement,misunderstanding,orcontroversialaspect
arise,theymustimmediatelyrelegateittoanothertable,theconferencetable.
Technique84:
Dinner’sfordiningThemostguardedsafehavenrespectedbyBigWinnersisthediningtable.Breakingbreadtogetherisatimewhentheybringupnounpleasantmatters.Whileeating,theyknowit’sOKtobrainstormanddiscussthepositivesideof the business: their dreams, their desires, their designs. They can freeassociateandcomeupwithnewideas.Butnotoughbusiness.Thisconventionprobablyaroseoutofaprudentagreementnottoinflict
indigestiononeachother.Toughnegotiatingisunpalatableandcanruinanotherwiseperfectlymouthwateringvealchop.
Incidentally, the same rule applies in the social jungle. If one partner in afriendshipora loverelationshiphassomeheavyrelationship issues todiscuss,save them for after dessert.Even if youdon’t solve the problem, youwant toenjoythedeliciouschocolatesoufflé.
Let’scrawlintoourthirdandfinalsafehaventoexploreit.
‘Ahha,I’vegotyounow!’
William,whosellswidgets,hasbeentryingtogetBigWinneronthephoneforweekstoseeifB.W.’scompanywillbuyhislineofwidgets.BigWinnerisstillconsideringWillie’swidgetsandplanseventuallytoreturnhiscall.However,atthispointinourstory,ourlittlehero’sphonehasnotrung.It just so happens, one evening Willie finds himself standing behind Big
Winnerinthesupermarketline.‘Whatgoodfortune!’thinksWillie.‘Ohhell!’thinksBigWinner.‘Ihopehe’snotgoingtohitmewithtalkofhis
widgetsatthishour.’Thosewhoappreciatesafehavensknowtherearetwoverydifferentendings
tothisstory.TheWilliewhobringsupwidgetswithan‘Aha,I’vegotyounow’gleam in his eye, never gets his call returned. Even if BigWinner preferredWillie’s widgets above all others, he would find the supermarket entrapmentsufficientlypainfultopunishthelittleloser.However,theWilliewhojustsays‘Hellothere,B.W.Howgoodtoseeyou,’
withnaryawordofwidgets,showshe’saBigPlayer,too.ThisWilliewillmostcertainly get his call returned – probably the next day – out of BigWinner’sreliefandgratitudeforWillie’sgraciousness.
Technique85:
ChanceencountersareforchitchatIf you’re selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive communication withsomeone,doNOTcapitalizeonachancemeeting.Keepthemelodyofyour
mistakenmeetingsweetand light.Otherwise, itcould turn intoyourswansongwithBigPlayer.
ConsistentlycreatesafehavensforpeopleifyouwantthemtoelevateyoutothestatusofBigWinner.Youmayfindyourselfdiningwiththem,goingtopartieswith them, getting big hellos in the hall, and closing deals much faster thanduringbusinesshours.Whoknows?Ifit’syourdesire,youevenmakeyourselfeligibleforsomeheavysocializingatthetop.BigWinnersmakeitsafeforeachother to accept invitations to play golf, spend the weekend in their countryhomes, or relax by each other’s pools. They know there will be no sharksswimminginthewater,norazorbladesburiedintheshrimpcocktail.
‘Tellmeaboutyourcrackedskulllater.What’syourinsurancenumber?’
Oncenight,severalyearsagoonaNewYorkCitystreet,Icaughtamantryingto break into a car. I shouted for him to stop. Instead of being content withescaping, theburlywould-beburglardecidedtoretaliate.Asheracedpastme,heshovedmedownontothecementandIcrackedmyskullagainstthekerb.Dizzily,Iwobbledintotheemergencyroomofanearbyhospital.Holdingan
icepackagainstmythrobbinghead,Iwasgrilledbytheemergencyroomtriagenurseonmyaddress, telephone,andsocialsecuritynumbers, insurancecarrier,policynumber,adnauseam.Don’t bothermewith thatminutia! All I wanted to do was tell somebody,
anybody,whathappenedtome.Itwasn’tuntiltheveryendofherruthlessandsadisticinterrogationthatsheasked,‘Sowhathappened?’I later toldmysadstorytoafriend,Sue,anursewhoworksinadmittingin
anotheremergencyroom.Shesaid,‘Iknow.Ican’tbelievetheyprinttheformsthatway. Injuredpeopledon’tget to tellwhathappened to themuntil the lastlineoftheform.SuesaidgettingcrucialnumericaldetailsfrompeoplesufferingintheA&Ewithbrokenbonesandburnswasarealchallenge.Until,shesaid,she switched her questioning around. She’d first ask them what happened.They’dtellherallaboutit.She’dlistensympathetically.‘Then,’shesaid,‘theywereonlytoohappytogivemetheinformationIneeded.’Goodbossesunderstandthishumanneedtotalk.Robert,acolleagueofmine
who owns a small manufacturing firm, says whenever one of his employeescomplainsaboutaproblem,heneverholdsthegriper’sfeettothefireforfactsfirst. He hears the employee out completely. He lets him carry on about thecantankerouscustomer,theuncooperativeco-worker.‘Then,afterhe’sgottenitoffhischest,’Robertsays,‘Igetthefactsalotmoreclearly.’
Whenyouhaveimportantinformationtoimpart
Anykidworkinginagarageknowsyoucan’tpumpmoregas intoafull tank.Too much topping it off, and it splashes onto the cement. Likewise, yourlistener’s brain is always full of his or her own thoughts, worries andenthusiasms.Ifyoupumpyourideasintoyourlistener’sbrain,whichisfullofher own notions, you’ll get a pollutedmixture, then a spill. If youwant yoursupersupremeideastoflowintohertankunpolluted,drainhertankcompletelyfirst.Whenever you are discussing emotionally charged matters, let the speaker
finishcompletelybeforeyoujumpin.Counttotenifyoumust.Itwillseemlikeaneternity,butlettingtheflusteredfellowfinishistheonlywayhe’llhearyouwhenit’syourturn.
Technique86:
EmptytheirtanksIfyouneedinformation,letpeoplehavetheirentiresayfirst.Waitpatientlyuntiltheirneedleisonemptyandthelastdropdripsoutandsplashesonthecement.It’stheonlywaytobesuretheirtankisemptyenoughoftheirowninnernoisetostartreceivingyourideas.
‘I’mgoingtomakeyoumiserablebeforeyoucanenjoybeingmycustomer’
Companiesthatrunmail-orderoperationscouldtakeahintfromthistechnique.OnereasonIenjoyorderingfromL.L.Bean,amail-orderclothingandsports-equipment outfit, is they letme ask questions about thewearable orwidget Iwant first. They let me ramble on with my questions about the quality, theavailablecolours,how it looks,how it feels,how it smells, andhow itworks.Then, when I’m all whacked up about receiving my four size-ten, red-and-chartreuse,soft,odourlesswidgets,theytastefullyaskmycreditcardnumber.Othercompanieshavefirstgrilledmeonthenumber,theexpirationdate,my
customernumber(whichIcanneverfindonthebackofthecatalogue),andhowoftenI’veorderedfromtheminthepastbeforeIevengettofantasizeaboutthewonderfulwidget Imightwant tobuy from them.Takesall the joyoutof thepurchaseandsometimeskillsthesale.
Top Communicators do more than just let you babble on. They use the nexttechniquewhileyou’reintheprocessofdribblingdown.
Hearthefacts,butsmeartheEMO
EMO is a word invented by Helen Gurley Brown, the grand dame ofCosmopolitan magazine. EMO translated is ‘Give more emotion!’ OnceCosmopolitanaskedmetowriteanarticleoncommunicatingsensitivematters(mostspecificallyadvisingyoungwomenonhowtomaketheirboyfriendsmorepassionate). I interviewedanumberofpsychologists, communicationsexperts,and sexologists.Mydraft cameback fromCosmo allmarkedupwith ‘MOREEMO’scribbledoneverypage.Icalledmyeditorandaskedwhatitmeant.ShesaidthatwasHelen’swayof
saying downplay all that factual stuff with the sex therapists and so-calledexperts.Write about the emotion the youngwoman feels when her boyfriendisn’t passionate enough, the emotion the accusedmale feelswhen confronted,andtheemotionthecouplefeelsaboutdiscussingtheirquandary.HelenGurleyBrown,acertifiedBigWinner,likedtohaveitallandknewjusthowtogetit.Helenrecognized,whenthetimeisright,rejecttherationalandempathizewiththeemotions.Inotherwords,smearontheEMO.
‘Oh,no!Hemusthavebeenmortified!’
L.L.BeanrecentlysmearedEMOalloverme.Severalmonthsago,myfriendPhilwanted to buy some trousers and asked for a recommendation. I draggedhim tomy closet to show him the quality and construction of the L. L.Beanclothes.Thatconvincedhim,andPhilorderedapairofnavy-bluedresstrousers.PhilworehisbrandnewL.L.Bean trousers for the first timeonabigdate
withanewgirlfriendatanelegantrestaurant.Whilefollowingthemaitred’ tothe cosy corner booth which he’d requested, his date happened to drop her
evening bag. Phil promptly bent over to pick it up. Riiiiiiip! Right down themiddleseam.Most of the diners facing Phil’s derriere mercifully looked away. A few
tittered.Phil,tuggingthetornseamstogethertoblankethisbuns,backedhiswayinto the booth. The cool upholstery on his bottom the rest of the eveningremindedhimofhishumiliation.WhenIheardofPhil’stribulations,IwasfuriousatL.L.Bean.Iimmediately
called one of their customer service agents. She sympathized as I told her ofPhil’sordeal,butIwasstillsimmering.Shepatientlylistenedandevenaskedmedetails of the disaster.When I finished the long sad story, the agent said, ‘Ohthat’sterrible.Iunderstand,yourfriendmusthavefeltawful.’‘Yes,hedid,’Iagreed.‘Hemusthavebeenmortified!’shesaid.‘Hedefinitelywas,’Isaid,surprisedatherexcellentgraspofthesituation.‘Andyou,whenyouheardaboutit.Youmusthavefeltterrible,too,especially
afteryou’drecommendedourproductssohighly.’‘Well,yourproductsusuallyareexcellent,’Isaid,calmingdownabit.‘I’msosorrywecausedyouthispainandaggravation,’shesaid.‘Oh,’ I interrupted. ‘It’snotyour fault.’NowIwascompletelyappeased. ‘It
musthavejustbeenaflukethatthisonepairoftrouserswas…’
Technique87:
EchotheEMOFacts speak.Emotions shout.Wheneveryouneed facts frompeopleaboutanemotionalsituation, let thememote.Hear their factsbutempathize likemadwith their emotions. Smearing on theEMO is often the onlyway tocalmtheiremotionalstorm.
There’smoretothisstory,butletmepauseheretointerjecttheEchotheEMOtechnique.TheclevercustomerservicerepnotonlyEmptiedMyTanksandsoftenedme
upwithEchotheEMO.Shecompletelydissolvedmewiththenexttechnique.
Make’emhappyyoumessedup
Thenextday,UPSdeliverednotonlythereplacementslacks,buttuckedintothepackagewas a handwritten apology and a hefty gift certificate.Would I orderfromthatcompanyagain?YoubetIwould.WouldIrecommendtheirclothestosomeoneelse?Youbet Iwould.Topcustomerservicefolkswelcomemistakesbecausetheyknowitgivestheirfirmachancetoshine.Wheneveryoumessupandsomeonesuffersbecauseofit,makesuretheycomeoutahead,wayahead.IcallthetechniqueMyGoof,YourGain.Visitinganimportantclient’soffice,Ioncetrippedonarugandtookanose
dive,makinga three-point landing inavaseonherdesk.Mynosewassparedbut her vase shattered into smithereens. Two tubes of crazy glue and lots of‘Wheretheheckdoesthispiecego’later,thevasewasbackonherdesk,andweagreed it looked pretty good. Nevertheless, the next day I had a messengerdeliver a beautiful vase, ten times the value of the almost-totalled one,with adozenrosesinit.Wheneverwespeak,myclienttellsmeeverytimeshelooksatthenewvase,
shesmiles.(Abetter‘incentivegift’thanapenwithyournameonit,no?)Thenext time I visit her office, my client may hide some of her more valuablebreakables.But,thankstoMyGoof,YourGain,therewillbeanexttime.
Technique88:
Mygoof,yourgainWhenever you make a mistake, make sure your victim benefits. It’s notenough to correct your error. Ask yourself, ‘What could I do for thissufferingsoulsoheorshewillbedelighted Imade the flub?’Thendo it,fast!Inthatway,yourgoofwillbecomeyourgain.
Now, suppose it’snotyourbooboo. It’s theirs.Howcanyoumake their goofyourgain?Readon.
Agenteelwaytosay,‘freeze,punk,whileIfriskyou’
InJapan,somecitizensprefer to lose their lives than to loseface. InAmerica,thesamedeathwishexists,withonemodification.TheYankdreamsofthedeathofthemortalwhomadehimloseface.Whymakeenemies?Unless it isyourobligation tocatchcheatersorentrap
liars,letthemgetawaywithit.Thenimmediatelygetthemoutofyourlifeandthe lives you’re responsible for. Evenwhen the case is open and shut againstsomeone–whenyou’vegottheratfinktrapped–leavehimanescapehatch.ThebestexampleIheardofthishighsensitivitywasfromoneofmyclients.
Shewas invited tobrunch at thehomeof awealthy socialite knownas ‘LadyStephanie.’LadyStephanie’shomewasfilledwithbeautifulobjetsd’art.Nottheleast among them was an exquisite collection of extremely valuable Fabergéeggs,whichalltheguestsadmired.At the end of the elegant champagne brunch, my client told me she was
walking out the door chatting with several other guests. Just then, LadyStephaniesidledup toonewoman leavingat thesame timeasmyclient. ‘Oh,I’msohappyyouwereadmiringmyFabergécollection,’LadyStephaniesaid,slidingherhandintothepocketoftheguest’sminkcoatandpluckingoutoneofherpricelesseggs.‘Youmusthavewantedtoseethisoneinthesunlight.Come,letuslookatittogether.Itdoesreflectthebrightlightbeautifully.’The mink-clad thief gulped and furtively looked around to see who had
witnessedhergentleentrapment.Myclientandeveryoneinthefoyersawwhathappened,buttookLadyStephanie’sleadandpretendednaïvetéoftheattemptedheist.Carrying the charade a step further, Lady Stephanie and the sticky-fingered
guest‘admiredtheegginthesunlight’.ThenLadyStephanie,withherFabergéegg secured safelybetweenher perfectlymanicured fingers,marchedhome to
putthetreasureinitsrightfulplace.Theattemptedeggsnatchercrawledbacktohercar,fromherlastattendanceatLadyStephanie’scovetedbashes.Thehostessletthefoiledfilchergetawaywithafewsliveredshredsofheregoleftintact.Why did Lady Stephanie come out ahead? Everyone who witnessed – and
subsequentlyheardabout–thethwartedburglaryhasrenewedrespectforLadyStephanie.Snaringthethief,yetsparingherpride,helpedLadyStephaniekeepherreputationof‘hostesswiththemostest’.WhydoBigWinnersletbad-newspeoplegetawaywithbummers?Because,
likemothersconfrontingnaughtychildrentocorrectthem,confrontingcreepsisawayofsaying‘Icare.’Byclosingyourmouth(andthenthedoorforever),youaresaying, ‘YouaresobeneathmeI’mnotgoing toevenwastemywordsonyou.’
‘Meaculpa!’
BigWinnersleaveanescapehatchforthesmallfoiblesoffriendstheywishtokeep by taking the blame themselves. If a friend gets lost and is an hour latearrivingatyourhouse, tellher ‘Thosedirections Igaveyouwere terrible.’Hebreaks your Limoges bowl? ‘Oh I shouldn’t have left it in such a precariousposition.’It’stheoldmeaculparoutinethatendearsyoutoeveryone,especiallywhentheyrealizeitwasn’tyourfault.
Technique89:
LeaveanescapehatchWhenever you catch someone lying, filching, exaggerating, distorting, ordeceiving, don’t confront the dirty duck directly. Unless it is yourresponsibilitytocatchorcorrecttheculprit–orunlessyouaresavingotherinnocentvictimsbydoingso–letthetransgressoroutofyourtrapwithhistrickypussinonepiece.Thenresolvenevertogazeuponitagain.
Residents of Toronto, Canada, have a well-earned reputation for grace. Theydemonstrated it last year in a downtown Toronto drug-store. A shopperattemptedtostrolloutthroughthesecuritysystemwithapurloinedobjectinhispocket. Insteadof a shrill alarm shattering all shoppers’ eardrums, as inmanyAmericancities,atastefullittlechimesounded.Acharmingvoicecameacrossthepublicaddress.‘Excuseus,wehavefailedtoinactivatetheinventorycontrol
system. Thank you for your patience while you wait for a customer carerepresentativetocomehelpyou.’Isn’tthatanicerwayofsaying‘Freeze,punk,whilewecomefriskyou?’
Nowlet’smoveontothenexttechniquetokeeppeoplefrommessingup–andtohelpthemgiveyoutheirverybest.
‘You’regreat!What’syourboss’sname?’
Acomplimentaryletteriscalledabuttercupbecauseitbuttersuptherecipient.Buttercupsarenice.Evennicerarebuttercupsaboutsomeonetotheirboss.I once needed a massive photocopying job. It was so immense that the
assistantmanagerofStaplesoffice-supplystoredidn’tthinkitcouldbefinishedbytheendoftheweek.Nevertheless,grudgingly,hegrumbled,‘I’lltry.’Inmyenthusiasmandhopehecould,Igushed,‘Wow,you’regreat!What’syourboss’sname?Yoursupervisorshouldgetaletterofcongratulationsonhiringyou.Youreally try harder for your customers.’ To my astonishment, not only was myprintingjobdonetwodaysearly,buteverytimeIwalkintoStaples,theassistantmanagerrollsouttheredcarpet.‘Hmm,’ Ibegan to think. ‘Imaybeon to something.’Apremature letterof
commendationforfavoursnotyetreceivedcouldbeaclevertactic.IdecidedtocheckitoutwithafewHeavyHittersonmyconsultationlist.One fellow I know, Tim, a top travel agent, is a real can-do guy. He gets
anythinghis friendsask for ina finger snap.He’s the fellow tocallwhenyouwanthard-to-gettheatretickets.He’stheguyyoucallwhenyourairlinesaysthehotelisbookedortheflightisoversold.WhenItoldhimofmybuttercupexperience,Timlaughedandsaid,‘Leil,of
course.Thisisnewstoyou?Acomplimentarylettertosomeone’sboss–orthepromiseofone–isagreatinsurancepolicy.It’sasgoodasawrittenriderthatyouwillbewelltakencareofinthefuture.’NowIhaveastandardoneinmycomputer.Thebuttercupreadsasfollows:
Dear(nameofsupervisor),Iknowhowimportantcustomerserviceistoanorganizationsuchas
yours. This letter is to commend (name of employee). He/She is an
exampleofan(employeetitle)whogivesexceptionalcustomerservice.(Name of store or business) continues to havemy business thanks ingreatparttotheservicegivenby(nameofemployee).Gratefully,(signature)
I’ve sent this letter to supervisors of parking lots, owners of insurancecompanies,andtomanagersofdozensofstoreswhereIshopregularly.I’msurethat’swhyIneverneed toworryaboutgettingaparkingplacewhen the lot isfull,animmediatecallbackfrommyinsuranceagent,andattentiveserviceatmyregularshoppinghaunts.Butbecareful!Don’tjustask,‘What’sthenameofyoursupervisor?’Hearing
thosewordscanmakeanemployeeasnervousasaturkeyinNovember.Besuretocouchitinacompliment.Saysomethinglike,‘Wow,youareterrific.What’syour supervisor’s name? I’d like to write him or her a letter.’ Then write it!You’llforeverbeaVIPintheirbook.
ThenexttechniquetellsyouhowtostandoutasaVIPwhenyou’reinagroup.
Technique90:
ButtercupsfortheirbossDoyouhaveastoreclerk,accountant, lawfirmjuniorpartner, tailor,automechanic,maitred’,massagetherapist,kid’steacher–oranyotherworkeryouwant special attention from in the future? The surefire way tomakethem care enough to give you their very best is send aButtercup to theirboss.
Howtotellaleaderfromafollower
During theMcCarthy era in theUS, government spies infiltrated undergroundpolitical rallies to determine who was ‘dangerous to national security’. Theagentsweretrainedapplausewatchers.Theyphotographedandinvestigatedmenwhoclappedfirst,shouted‘Bravo’theloudest,andsmiledthelongestattheendof politically inflammatory speeches. The spies dubbed those the ‘dangerousones.’ The infiltrators felt first responders were Confident Cats who had thepowertopersuadefollowersandthecharismatoleadcrowds.Inlesspoliticallysensitivegatherings,thesameprincipleapplies.Peoplewho
respondfirsttoapresentationorhappening,withoutlookingaroundtoseehoweveryoneelseisreacting,aremenandwomenofleadershipcalibre.
Coolcatsclapfirst
Youaresittinginanauditoriumwithhundredsoffellowemployeeslisteningtothe president of your firm introduce a new concept. As you’re slouchinganonymouslyintheaudience,youthinkyourexpressionisinvisibletothemanorwomanatthepodium.Notso!Asaspeaker,Iguaranteeyoueveryoneofmycolleagues sees every smile, every frown, every light in every eye, and everyemblemofextraordinaryhumanintelligenceflashingbackathimorher.Likewise,thecompanypresidentmakingapresentationanxiouslysurveyshis
corporate jungle and, from the pusses peering back at him, senses whichemployeesaresympatheticandwhicharenot.HealsoknowswhichintheseaoffacesfloatinginfrontofhimhasthepotentialtobeaHeavyHitterlikehimself.How?BecauseHeavyHitters,evenwhentheydonotagreewiththespeaker,support
thepodiumpontificator.Why?Becausetheyknowwhatit’sliketobeon.They
know,nomatterhowbigorlittlethecatatthefrontoftheroomis,whengivingaspeechhe’sconcernedaboutthecrowd’sacceptance.WhenthecompanyBigShotdelivershislastline,carefullycontrivedtobring
thecrowdtoitsfeetoremployeestoacquiescence,doyouthinkhe’sunawareofwhostartsthetrickle,ortheriptide,ofacceptance?Noway!Thoughhisheadisdownwhiletakingabow,withtheinsightofaMcCarthy-eraspy,heperceivespreciselywho inauguratedtheapplause,preciselyhowlongafter thelastwordswere uttered, and precisely how enthusiastically! Being the first to put yourhandstogether,beingthefirsttojumptoyourfeet,and,ifappropriate,beingthefirsttoshout‘Bravo,’getsyouBigCatstatuswiththetigerwhowastalking.Bethefirstclappernomatterhowsmall thecrowd,nomatterhowinformal
thetalk.Don’twaittoseehoweveryoneelseisgoingtorespond.Evenifit’sasmall groupof three or four people standing around, be the first to empathizewiththespeaker’sideas,thefirsttomutter‘goodidea’.It’sproofpositiveyou’reapersonwhotrustshisorherowninstincts.
Technique91:
LeadthelistenersNomatterhowprominenttheBigCatbehindthepodiumis,crouchedinsideisalittlescaredycatwhoisanxiousaboutthecrowd’sacceptance.BigWinners recognize you’re a fellowBigWinnerwhen they see you
leading their listeners in a positive reaction. Be the first to applaud orpublicly commend the man or woman you agree with (or wantfavoursfrom).
Bottomdogbowslower,barkssofter
Anyminute,anysecond,footballfansknowthescore.Evenbeer-guzzlingBigGeorge,dozinginfrontoftheTVsetonfootballSundayknows.Pokehispudgypot,andinawink,he’lltellyouwho’swinning,who’slosing,andbypreciselyhowmanypoints.KeyPlayersinthegameoflifearelikeGeorge.Evenwhenyouthinkthey’re
dozing,theyareconstantlyawareofthescorebetweenthemselvesandeveryonein their life–friendsandfamily included!Theyknowwhoiswinning,whoislosing,andbyhowmanypoints.When two Japanese businessmen meet, it’s obvious who is on top. You
measure it inmillimetres from how close to the floor their noses comewhenbowing.(Bottomman’snosediveslower.)InAmerica,wedon’thavecarefullychoreographedbowsshowing thescore
inarelationship.ButBoys’n’GirlsinthebusinessBigLeagueknowwhoisTopDogandwhoisbottomdogtoday.(Itcanchangetomorrow.)Bottomdogmustcurtsydeeper.Heorshemustshowdeference.Bottomdog
must offer to meet at Top Dog’s office, pick up the restaurant tab whenappropriate,andberespectfulofTopDog’stime.Ifbottomdogfailstoshowtheproper deference, he doesn’t get his nose rubbed into the ground. He simplydisqualifieshimselftobarkintheBigLeague.That’swhathappenedtomygirlfriendLaura,whohaddevelopedthehealthy
milkshake.(RememberherfromInstantReplay?)Whenwelast leftLaura,shewasblowingherchanceswithFred,theTopBananaofasupermarketchain,bygrillinghimfordetailsofhismailingaddress,complainingherpenwasoutof
ink,makinghimwaitwhile shegotanother,writingnumbersdownwrong,adnauseam.I didn’t tell you the worst part. After Fred was generous enough to invite
Laura to sendhimsamplesofherhealth shake, shedroppedanotherbombbyasking himwhich shipping service she should use.Hemust have said FedExbecauseIheardLaurasay,‘Well,mymilkshakeneedstostayrefrigerated.DoesFedExhaverefrigeratedtrucks?’AtthispointIknewshehadstrangledthedealbyherownphonechord.She
shouldn’t nudge Supermarket Czarwith dinky shipping details. In fact, Laurashould be so grateful, she should personally deliver the drink the next day –rolling it all theway to his supermarketwith her nose if need be. Laurawasobviouslynotawareof theGreatScorecard in theSky.Thatday the tallywas‘Fredeverything,Lauranothing.’BigWinners – before putting pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, mouth to
phone,orhandtosomeoneelse’stoshakeit–doaquickcalculation.Theyaskthemselves‘Whohasthemosttobenefitfromthisrelationship?Whathaseachofusdonerecentlythatdemandsdeferencefromtheother?’AndwhatcanIdotoeventhescore?
Friendskeeptabstoo
TheGreat Scorecard in the Sky is not just bobbing over business-people. Iffamilymembersandfriendslookcarefullyovertheirlovedones’heads,they’llspotit.And,likeanover-the-counterstock,itgoesupordowneveryday.Whenyoumessup,youhavetoevenyourscorebydoingmorefortheonewhodidn’t.Tokeeplovealive,keepyoureyeontheGreatScorecardintheSky.Severalmonths ago, Imet a nice chap namedCharles at a convention.We
starteddiscussingour favourite foods.Hiswashomemade linguinewithpestosauce. I liked Charles and I make a mean pesto sauce. The remarkablecoincidenceofthesetwoelementsemboldenedmetoinvitehimtodinneratmyplace.‘Great,’hesaid.Wesetitforseven-thirtythefollowingTuesday.Tuesdayafternoon,Ibeginpreparationsforthebigdate.Thecuckooclockon
thewallmonitoredmyprogress.Atfivecuckoos,Iruntothestoretofindpinenuts. By six cuckoos, I’m back home grinding basil and garlic. At sevencuckoos, I’m folding napkins, setting the table, pulling out fresh candles.Whoops,runninglate.Ichangeclothesandsprucemyselfup.Whenseven-thirtystrikes,Iamallready.ThepestoandIawaithisarrival.
Eighto’clockrollsaroundandnofriend.Well,Ifigure,I’llopenthewineandletitbreathe.AnotherhourpassesandnoCharles.Thecuckoocallsme‘cuckoo’ninetimesnow.Ibegintobelievethebird.ItisevidentCharlesisn’tcoming.Ihavebeenstoodup.The next dayCharles calledwith halfhearted apologies and a semiplausible
excuse. His car broke down. ‘Gee, I’m sorry,’ I said. (Iwanted to say, ‘DidMartianscaptureyou?Wereyoutransportedtoanotherplanetwheretherewerenophonestocallme?’Iresistedthesarcasm.)However,hedidsoundcontritesoIwasalmostwillingtoforgetit.Untilhisnextquestion.Heobviouslywasn’tawareofhowhe’dslippedintheGreatScorecardinthe
Sky because, instead of inviting me for linguine with pesto at a fine Italianrestaurant tomake up for his blooper, he asked, ‘When canwe reschedule atyourhouse?’Never,Charlie.
Technique92:
ThegreatscorecardintheskyAnytwopeoplehaveaninvisiblescorecardhoveringabovetheirheads.Thenumberscontinuallyfluctuate,butoneruleremains:playerwithlowerscorepaysdeferencetoplayerwithhigherscore.Thepenaltyfornotkeepingyoureye on theGreat Scorecard in the Sky is to be thrown out of the game.Permanently.
AlsobyLeilLowndes
Taponthecovertobuynow
Taponthecovertobuynow
Taponthecovertobuynow
We’vemetmanypeople inHow to Talk toAnyone.A fewof their names arechanged, but each is very real.Recently, I decided to trackdown someof thefolkswithwhomI’dcrossedpathsovertheyears.Iwantedtoseewhatthey’reuptonow.Laura, my old friend who dreamed of milkshake millions but ignored the
SupermarketCzar’sscorecard,isnowbackatherdayjob.Sam,whoruffledmebynotrevealinghewantedmetospeakforhisorganization,nolongerhasone.Sonny, who hounded his brother-in-law’s cousin by a too-quick call, is stillpumping gas. Tania, who insisted on immediate tit for tat, no longer has thatterrificjobatthetalentagency.PoorJane,themail-roomclerkwhoconfrontedherbossat theChristmaspartyfiveyearsago, isstillwrappingpackages.AndDan, who left the prolonged inspirational message on his phone, now has anunlistednumber–notagoodsignforanaspiringspeaker.WhereasBarrywhoaskseveryonehecalls,‘WhatColourIsYourTime?’was
recently chosen Broadcaster of the Year by the National Association of TalkShowHosts.Joe,whokeepsnoteofeveryoneonhisBusinessCardDossier,isnowastatesenator.Jimmi,theexpertatEyeballSelling,wasrecentlywrittenupinSuccessmagazine.Steve,whose staff insinuatesOhWow, It’sYou! to everycaller,isoneofthemostrequestedspeakersonthecablecircuit.Tim,thecan-doguy who gets what he wants from workers in every industry by writingButtercups for Their Boss, now owns the travel agency. And Gloria, myhairdresser who gives the greatNutshell Resume, recently opened a salon onNewYork’sfashionableFifthAvenue.Does thismean to say that just because the first folks irkedme and a few
otherstheywereexiledtoahumdrumexistence?Andthelattergroupwhomadepeoplesmilewouldattaingreatheights?Ofcoursenot.Thoseisolatedmomentsoftheirlivesweexaminedwerebutonemoveofmanytheymadeeachday.
Butconsider:ifyouhadbeentheonewhowasruffledbyLaura,Sam,Sonny,Tania,Jane,orDanandtheycalledyou,wouldyoufeellikeextendingyourselfforthem?Probablynot.Thememoryoftheirraggeddealingwouldstillsmart.Whereas if youheard fromBarry, Joe, Jimmi,Steve,Tim, orGloria, happy
memoriesofyourexchangewouldfloodoveryou.You’dwant todowhateveryoucouldforthem.Multiply your response bymany thousands.Aswe said in the introduction,
nobody gets to the top alone.Over the years, the smoothmoves of theseBigWinners have captured the hearts and conquered the minds of hundreds ofpeoplewhohelpedboostthemrungbyrungtothetopofwhateverladdertheychose.Howdoesonebecomeaninstinctivesmoothmoverratherthanaraggedrider
through life? The answer became blindingly clear one snowy day last winter.Lumbering along a neatly groomed track on cross-country skis, I spotted aNordicskierswiftlystridingtowardmeinthesametrail.Ididn’tneedtoobservehishighkickorhissnazzydiagonalpolingtoletmeknowIwasobstructingthepathofapro.WhilemusteringtheenergytolugmythrobbinglegsoutofthetracksoSuper
Skier could soar past, he deftly sidestepped out of the groove, leaving thegroomedtrailallforme.Ashewhizzedtowardme,heslowedslightly,smiled,nodded,andsaid,‘Goodmorning,beautifuldayforskiing,isn’tit?’I appreciated his deference (and insinuation that we were equals on the
snow!).Iknewhewasnotthinking‘Heylookatme.HereIam!’but‘Ahh,thereyouare.Letmemakeroomforyou.’As I implied in the opening words of this book, the difference in the life
successbetweenthosetwotypesofthinkersisincalculable.WhywasSuperSkier able topull offhismove sogracefully?Washeborn
withtheskill?No.Hiswasadeliberatemovethatgrewoutofpractice.Practice is also the fountainhead of all smooth communications moves.
Excellenceisnotasingleandsolitaryaction.Itistheoutcomeofmanyyearsofmakingsmallsmoothmoves,tinyoneslikethe92littletrickswe’veexploredinHowtoTalktoAnyone.Thesemovescreateyourdestiny.Remember,repeatinganactionmakesahabit.Yourhabitscreateyourcharacter.Andyourcharacterisyourdestiny.Maysuccessbeyourdestiny.
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Leil Lowndes – a shyness ‘survivor’ – is an internationally acclaimedcommunicationsexpertwhocoaches topexecutivesofFortune500companiesaswell as frontline employees to becomemore effective communicators. Shehas spoken in practically everymajorU.S. city and conducts communicationsseminarsfortheU.S.PeaceCorps,foreigngovernmentsandmajorcorporations.In addition to engrossing audiences on hundreds of TV and radio shows, herworkhasbeenacclaimedbytheNewYorkTimes,theChicagoTribuneandTimemagazine. Her articles have appeared in professional journals and popularpublications suchasRedbook,NewWoman,PsychologyToday,Penthouse andCosmopolitan. Based in New York City, she is the author of four booksincludingthetop-sellingHowtoTalktoAnyoneandHowtoMakeAnyoneFallinLovewithYou.
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