Assertive Communication

Our communication patterns can

take several different forms:

• Aggressive—forceful and brutally honest

• Passive—allow others to make decisions

for you

• Passive-aggressive—manipulate others to

get your way

• Assertive—You choose your decisions,

but you are sensitive to others

Is Assertive

Communication not

your style?

Nice Lady

Bombshell

Whiner

Appeaser

Sellout Self-advocate

Clinging Vine

Silent Victim

Fairy Princess

Scardey Cat

Are you a:

BEING ASSERTIVE IS NOT MY STYLE

If being assertive is not your style – What is

your style?

How do you typically react to other people?

ARE YOU THE…

Nice Lady

who is afraid to say anything or do anything

that might offend anyone – especially

bureaucrats, because they will call you

other names instead of “nice lady”?

Passive

Whiner

who constantly whines and complains about:

a. The services you need and are not receiving?

b. How other people treat you when you ask for

services?

c. How professionals treat you when you try to

discuss your progress (or lack of progress)?

d. How bad everything is – but never does

anything about it?

Passive-aggressive

Clinging Vine

who clings to others and expects them to

stick up for your rights and intervene on

your behalf?

Passive

Silent Victim

who has resigned herself/himself to lack of

needed services because “there’s nothing

I can do about it”?

Passive

Fairy Princess

who expects everything to happen, and

every service to be delivered without any

effort on your part.

Passive-aggressive

Waiter

who waits for a miracle to happen, for

something someone promised, who

waits and waits and waits for someone else

to do something.

Passive

Bombshell

who fires angry missiles sporadically,

instead of calmly and methodically building

a good case for what you need?

Aggressive

Scaredy Cat

afraid that “if I make trouble they’ll get

back at me”?

Passive

Sellout Self-advocate

who makes deals with one group to get

services for himself/herself and pressures

others not to rock the boat?

Passive-aggressive

Appeaser

who compromises your needs because “if

I ask for too much they won’t give me

anything”?

Adapted and reprinted from “How to Get Services by Being Assertive” published by the Family Resource Center on

Disabilities, Chicago,

Passive

These are the traits of each

communication personality

Aggressive Communication

• __You choose and make decisions for others.

• __You are brutally honest.

• __You are direct and forceful.

• __You put others down to build yourself up.

• __You’ll participate in a win-lose situation only if you’ll win.

• __You demand your own way.

• __You feel righteous, superior, controlling – later possibly feeling guilt.

• __Others feel humiliated, defensive, resentful and hurt around you.

• __Others view you in the exchange as angry, vengeful, distrustful and fearful.

• __The outcome is usually that your goal is achieved at the expense of others. Your rights are upheld but others are violated.

• __Your underlying belief system is that you have to put others down to protect yourself.

Passive Communication

• __You allow others to choose and make decisions for you.

• __You are emotionally dishonest.

• __You are indirect and self denying.

• __You are inhibited.

• __If you get your own way, it is by chance.

• __You feel anxious, ignored, helpless, manipulated, angry at yourself and/or others.

• __Others feel guilty or superior and frustrated with you.

• __Others view you in the exchange as a pushover and that you don’t know what you want or how you stand on an issue.

• __The outcome is that others achieve their goals at your expense. Your rights are violated.

• __Your underlying belief is that you should never make someone uncomfortable or displeased except yourself.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

• __You manipulate others to choose your way.

• __You appear honest but underlying comments confuse.

• __You tend towards indirectness with the air of being direct.

• __You are self-enhancing but not straight forward about it.

• __In win-lose situations you will make the opponent look bad or manipulate it so you win.

• __If you don’t get your way you’ll make snide comments or pout and be the victim.

• __You feel confused, unclear on how to feel, you’re angry but not sure why. Later you possibly feel guilty.

• __Others feel confused, frustrated, not sure who you are or what you stand for or what to expect next.

• __Others view you in the exchange as someone they need to protect themselves from and fear being manipulated and controlled.

• __The outcome is that the goal is avoided or ignored as it cause such confusion or the outcome is the same as with an aggressive or passive style.

• __Your underlying belief is that you need to fight to be heard and respected. If that means you need to manipulate, be passive or aggressive, so be it.

Assertive Communication

• __You choose and make decisions for yourself.

• __You are sensitive and caring with your honesty.

• __You are direct.

• __You are self-respecting, self expressive and straight forward.

• __You convert win-lose situations to win-win ones.

• __You are willing to compromise and negotiate.

• __You feel confident, self-respecting, goal-oriented, valued. Later you may feel a sense of accomplishment.

• __Others feel valued and respected.

• __Others view you with respect, trust and understand where you stand.

• __The outcome is determined by above-board negotiation. Your rights and others are respected.

• __Your underlying belief is that you have a responsibility to protect your own rights. You respect others but not necessarily their behavior.

I-Messages

• An I-message is a way to be strong without being mean (that is, assertive) when you are angry or upset or disappointed with something another person has done. The formula for an I-message is as follows:

• I feel __________________________ (say your feeling)

• when you ____________________ (describe the action)

• I want__________( what will it take to make you happy?)

• because ________ (say why the action connects to your feeling)

Here is an example of an I-message:

“I feel frightened when you use big medical

words. I want you to speak slower and

use smaller words because English is my

second language.”

Assignment

• Read the following episodes and change

the you-messages to I-messages.

1.

Father wants to read paper. Child keeps

climbing on lap. Father irritated." You

shouldn't interrupt someone when he is

reading."

2.

Mother using vacuum cleaner. Childs

keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is

in a hurry. "You're being naughty."

3.

Child comes to table with very dirty hands

and face." You're not being a responsible

big boy. That's what a little baby might do."

4.

Child keeps postponing going to bed.

Mother and Dad want to talk about a

private problem of concern to them. Child

keeps hanging around, preventing them

from talking. "You know it's past your

bedtime. You're just trying to annoy us.

You need your sleep."

5.

Child keeps pleading to be taken to a

movie, but he has not cleaned up his room

for several days, a job he agreed to do

"You don't deserve going to a movie when

you have been so inconsiderate and

selfish."

6.

Child has been sulking and

acting sad all day. Mother

doesn't know reason.

"Come on now. Stop this

sulking. Either brighten up

or you'll have to go outside

and sulk. You're taking

something too seriously."

7.

• Child is playing the stereo so loud it is

interfering with conversation of parents in

next room. "Can't you be more considerate

of others? Why do you play that so loud?"

8.

• Child promised to set the table for a dinner

party. During day she dawdled; now its'

one hour before guests arrive and she

hasn't started the job. "You have dawdled

all day and fallen down on your job. How

can you be so thoughtless and

irresponsible?

9.

• Child forgot to show up at agreed upon

time she was to be home so Mother could

take her to buy shoes. Mother is in a

hurry. "You should be ashamed. After all, I

agreed to take you and then you are

careless about the time."

• How can the use of I-messages help you

to communicate more effectively?

• Can I-messages ever be manipulative?

• Explain.

10

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do - just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same paper.

I can do for myself; I'm not helpless - maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

When that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice..

Irrational feelings make more sense when we understand what's behind them..

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people - because God is mute, and He/She doesn't give advice or try to fix things.

"They" just listen and let you work it out for yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me.

And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn - and I'll listen to you.

. . . Author Unknown

The End