Assertiveness Techniques SN v3

Assertiveness Techniques Supplementary Notes

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Australian Institute of Management NSW & ACT Training Centre Limited 2011

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Assertiveness Techniques: Supplementary Notes

AIM NSW & ACT TCL v3 1

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION TO THE PROGRAM .................................................................................. 3

These Notes ........................................................................................................................... 3

FEEDBACK ........................................................................................................................... 4

Tips on Giving Feedback ........................................................................................................ 4

Tips on Receiving Feedback .................................................................................................. 5

COMMUNICATING ................................................................................................................ 6

Why do we communicate the way we do? .............................................................................. 6

How do we communicate? ..................................................................................................... 6

What are some non-verbal clues to behaviour? ...................................................................... 8

What are some verbal clues to behaviour? ............................................................................. 9

WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS? ............................................................................................. 11

Defining Assertiveness ......................................................................................................... 11

What is Assertiveness? ........................................................................................................ 15

How do I identify the different styles of behaving? ................................................................ 16

What are the effects of the four approaches? ....................................................................... 18

Power Bases ........................................................................................................................ 19

Learning to Be Assertive ...................................................................................................... 20

Your Assertiveness Toolkit ................................................................................................... 23

Putting Assertiveness Into Practice ...................................................................................... 25

Making Requests .................................................................................................................. 27

WHY IS LISTENING IMPORTANT? .................................................................................... 28

Listening to Build Bridges ..................................................................................................... 28

Listening Skills ..................................................................................................................... 30

The Four Types of Active Listening ...................................................................................... 31

QUESTIONING TECHNIQUES ............................................................................................ 33

Types of Questions .............................................................................................................. 33

EXPRESSING YOUR STRONG FEELINGS ........................................................................ 35

Dealing With Anothers Strong Feelings ............................................................................... 35

What Stops You From Asserting Yourself? ........................................................................... 37

Talking Yourself into Being Assertive ................................................................................... 38

DEALING WITH AGGRESSION .......................................................................................... 39

Steps to Deal Successfully with Aggression ......................................................................... 40

GIVING AND RECEIVING PRAISE AND CRITICISM .......................................................... 41

Why Do We Resist Giving Criticism? .................................................................................... 41

How Do I Respond to Criticism? ........................................................................................... 42



Different Types of Criticism .................................................................................................. 43

Giving Criticism .................................................................................................................... 47

REFERENCES ..................................................................................................................... 49



Introduction to the Program

Being assertive is one of the keys to good communication and it ensures that everyones ideas are expressed and appreciated. Its not about being loud or boisterous its about having the confidence to express yourself, while respecting what other people say.

This program, running over three weeks, is all about giving you that confidence so you can enjoy more rewarding relationships in all spheres of your life. Its a highly interactive program, using hands-on examples to help you be clearer, more confident, and able to create winwin situations out of conflict.

These Notes

These Notes are designed to be used in conjunction with your Workbook and other program material, and will provide additional information not covered in your Workshop. The search function can be utilised to take you straight to your area of interest.



Feedback

Tips on Giving Feedback

The following points apply to giving and receiving feedback whether it is positive or negative.

1. Offer feedback on observed behaviour, not on perceived attitudes

Give information, not opinion:

I thought you involved everyone in the room by looking at them and your voice was firm and interesting to listen too.

You were very confident.

2. Offer descriptions of what you saw and how you felt, rather than judgements

When you were speaking softly and looking down, I found it hard to hear you.

It was a bad idea to look down and mumble.

3. Focus on behaviour that can be changed

Do you know that you sway a lot and fidget when you are presenting?

You have a severe nervous twitch in your right eye.

4. Choose the aspects that are most important, and limit yourself to these

Keep the messages simple and set priorities. Dont plaster the wall with everything you can think of.

5. Ask questions rather than make statements

Allow the receiver to reach his/her own conclusions

What may have been a more effective way of ?

You should have

6. Set the ground rules in advance

Use the word I when expressing your feedback. After all, it is your opinionnot necessarily fact.

7. Comment on things that an individual did well, as well as areas where they might improve

Feelings of inadequacy or incompetence can lead to humiliation. We have cultural inhibitions about accepting both criticism and praise, so it is important that the criticism and praise is both sincere and supported by specific examples. The idea of giving feedback is to empower the other to change if they wish.

8. Be specific. Give concrete examples; dont waffle

I liked it when you made a joke as you introduced your team.

There was a very friendly atmosphere.



9. Observe everyones personal limits

Too much feedback can overload people. Going beyond that point wipes out all the good you may have done so far.

10. Before starting, consider the potential value to the receiver

If there isnt any, say nothing.

Tips on Receiving Feedback

1. Look at the speaker and listen to the message.

2. Dont become defensive, justify your behaviour or launch a counter-attack.

3. Dont brush off the feedback off or attempt to change the subject.

4. Do not assume that the critic has some ulterior, hostile motive.

5. Convey to the feedback giver that you understand the point of the feedback, and, if appropriate, indicate your willingness to work together towards a solution or improvement.

6. Accept praise graciouslydont deny it.



Communicating

Why do we communicate the way we do?

While our genetic makeup certainly influences our behaviour, we learn how to communicate as we grow up through modelling others, including our parents, siblings, school teachers, peer groups and media presenters. This means that many of us may learn ways of communicating that may work in some situations but not in others.

As we develop, we get into habits of communicating, and we begin to identify ourselves with these habits. For example, you may say Im passive at work with my boss but at home I yell at the kids often. Im aggressive there. Many people think of these behaviours as who they are, without realising that the behaviour has simply become a habit that they use in particular situations.

Communicating clearly and effectively can be challenging. There are various ways of relating, depending on our individual personalities and different social customs. There is no particular right or best way. However, in our communications, misunderstandings are bound to occur. So, if you find your style of relating results in conflict because your own needs are not being met, your relationships arent working the way you would like or other people feel resentful towards you, its time to examine the way you relate to other people. Thats what this assertiveness course is all about.

Assertiveness involves looking at yourself and asking whether the habits you are using are working for you and for others in your life. Assertiveness is about asking if its time to choose to change your behavioursto operate from choice instead of habit.

How do we communicate?

Research in the area has shown that in a normal two-person conversation most of the impact from the communication comes through the non-verbal cues. Nonverbal communication includes all forms of communication other than the actual words spoken. Becoming more aware of the non-verbal messages people give us, and of the non-verbal messages we give, is important to communicating effectively.

Correctly interpreting these messages is also important if we are to be effective communicators. If we arent getting our messages across clearly we need to know why. Sometimes the receivers nonverbals will tell us they didnt understand when their words say the opposite. At other times, when our nonverbals will be are inconsistent opposite to with what our words are saying, and so the impact of what were saying is changed. For example, if you say words that are assertive in an aggressive tone, the impact is more likely to be aggressive. If you say words that are assertive with passive body language, the impact of your message is more likely to be passive.



The Impact of Communication

Verbal:

The Words ................. 7%

Non verbal:

Tone ........................ 38%

Body language ........ 55%

Note: These figures are presented in Nonverbal Communication by Albert Mehrabian (1972, publisher Aldine Atherton, inc., Chicago) with respect to specific experiments. The figures originally referred to responses to verbal, vocal and facial aspects of communication (p. 182). The research methodology and sample size used do not warrant the broad generalisation of these figures. What they do indicate is that nonverbal communication does matter; however, not always to the extent implied by these figures.

This means that nonverbal communication can complement, enhance, replace or contradict verbal communication.

Complement

When the non-verbal messages correspond to the verbal messages, and so they reinforce each other.

Enhance

When the non-verbal cues can strengthen communication. For example, when you are telling someone how you feel your facial expression and gestures reinforce and highlight your feelings about the subject.

Replace

Non-verbal communication often makes words unnecessary. A warm, friendly hug can be a powerful form of communication. Similarly, a frown or a glare can send a firm message without the need for words.

Contradict

Nonverbal communication can contradict the verbal messages. If a person says I am very interested in what youre saying but at the same time is constantly looking at his watch, conflicting verbal and non-verbal messages are being sent. In these cases, the non-verbal ones are generally the most powerful messages.



What are some non-verbal clues to behaviour?

Its not only what we say that is important but HOW we say it. The tone, facial expression and gestures we use are non-verbal clues that we give away. When we are faced with awkward situations sometimes the words we use say one thing and our bodies give another message.

How can we recognise these messages in ourselves and others? Some of the signs we can look out for include:

Passive Behaviours

Body Language

Head down, slumped body, hand-wringing, backing away, covering mouth with hand,

fidgeting and shuffling, crossed arms for protection.

Eye Contact

Evasivelooking down or away.

Facial Expression

Eyebrows raised in anticipation, slight smiles when being criticised or angry, pursing of lips, scrunching of face.

Voice and Speech

Hesitant with frequent pauses, throat-clearing, maybe high-pitched or wobbly, sometimes overly warm or overly soft, sometimes a monotone, dropping away at end of sentences or phrases, may jerk from fast to slow.

Assertive Behaviours

Body Language

Sits upright and relaxed, or stands with head held up, hands loosely at side using open hand movements, palms outwards to indicate openness and invitation to other person.

Eye Contact

Steady and firm, but not staring.

Facial Expression

Jaw relaxed but not loose, open features, smiles when pleased and frowns when angry or confused.

Voice and Speech

Steady and firm, clear tone, fluid with few hesitations, emphasis on key words, pace even.



Aggressive Behaviours

Body Language

Sits bolt upright or leans forward, finger pointing, fist thumping or clenched, may stride around, arms crossed, unapproachable.

Eye Contact

Peers, stares down and tries to dominate.

Facial Expression

Jaw firm, chin thrust forward, wry, mocking smiles, angry scowls, eyebrows raised in disbelief/amazement.

Voice and Speech

Fluent, few hesitations, may be clipped, usually fast unless deliberate and sarcastic, firm tone, can be cold, or may shout, often a hard voice.

While the verbal message is important, body language has a greater impact on the message because the sender cannot disguise it. Body language occurs subconsciously.

What are some verbal clues to behaviour?

Passive Behaviours

Long rambling statements. Fill-in words, maybe, just, I dont suppose, sort of, etc.

Frequent justifications. Apologies and asking for permission I should, I ought.

Few I statements (often qualified).

Phrases that dismiss own needs, Its not important really.

Self put-downs, Im hopeless.

Assertive Behaviours

Statements that are brief, clear and to the point.

I statements, Id like, I need, Ive noticed.

Distinctions between fact and opinion.

Suggestions rather than weighted advice or telling.

No shoulds, nor oughts

Constructive criticism without blame or assumptions.

Questions to find out the thoughts, opinions, wants of others.

Ways for getting around problems.



Aggressive Behaviours

Excess of you statements.

Boastfulness, My opinions expressed as facts.

Threatening questions.

Requests as instructions or threats.

Heavily weighted advice in the form of You should/ought.

Blame put on others, and assumptions.

Sarcasm and other putdowns.



What is Assertiveness?

Defining Assertiveness

We all have our own thoughts, feelings, needs and wants. Assertiveness is a way of thinking and behaving that allows you to stand up for your rights while respecting the rights of othershow openly, honestly and clearly we communicate these needs and balance them with our consideration for the thoughts, feelings, needs and wants of others, which may be different to our own. Getting that balance is the winwin that assertiveness is based on.

Passive style of relating

People with this style of behaving hardly take any action to meet their own needs. They are not committed to their own rights and are more likely to allow others to infringe on their rights than to stand up and speak out. They usually expect to be looked after by other people and may become depressed or act like a martyr when others fail to do so. Passive behaviour means people often put other peoples needs before their own. While unselfishness can be desirable, if it means neglecting oneself resentment can build up, both in the non-assertive person and in the receiver, which may counteract the positive aspects of unselfishness. The receiver may feel guilty and resent the fact that the non-assertive person wont stand up for their needs.

The non-assertive person may feel frustrated and resentful that their needs arent being met. This can happen because people who relate passively usually do not believe they have the right to speak up. This style of relating is often based on beliefs like:

Your needs are more important than mine.

I am weak and cannot look after myself.

I am not competent to make decisions.

Some people like relating this way because they are looked after. They can avoid the responsibility of taking the initiative and making decisions, and so may not want to make any changes. However, as a result of passive behaviour there is a growing loss of self-esteem and an increasing sense of hurt and anger because needs are not being met. They usually bottle up the hurt and resentment, which can lead to physical problems. They often lack self respect and lose trust and respect from other people.

People who want to make changes in this style of relating will need to increase their own confidence by increasing their ability to let other people clearly know how they are feeling and what they want.



Aggressive Style of Relating

People relating aggressively usually believe strongly in their own rights but do not necessarily regard others as having the same rights. They are very likely to defend their own rights and work to achieve their own goals, but are also likely to disregard the rights of others.

They take action to meet their own needs and often see themselves as responsible for making decisions on behalf of other people. Aggressive behaviour results in people insisting that their feelings and needs take precedence over other people's. They also tend to blame others for problems instead of offering solutions.

This style of relating is often based on beliefs like:

This is what I want and what you want is not important.

I know what is best for you and you are unable to act for yourself.

I am more important than you and you need to respect me.

This style can be the result of strong conditioning to compete, achieve, be strong, take the initiative and be protective, and such people often assume authority as their right.

An aggressive style of relating may also be due to low self esteem, and controlling others can be a way for some people to feel superior in order to boost their own lack of self-confidence.

People who relate aggressively usually find it hard to express their real feelings, except through anger. Difficulty in expressing tender and loving feelings often affects their ability to form close relationships.

When an aggressive style of relating is a habit, it is usually resented by other people, especially people who lack power. Other people tend to avoid aggressive people, or retaliate because they feel attacked.

People who want to change this style of relating need to become aware of what beliefs underlie their aggressive feelings, and learn to express themselves more appropriately. They also need to respect the rights of others, be willing to listen to other people and cooperate in decision making.



Passive-Aggressive Style of Relating

When you relate in a passive-aggressive way, you do not accept and respect your own rights and the rights of others. You are not willing to express your needs, opinions and feelings openly but rather try and get your needs met in a roundabout, hurtful or sneaky way. You also may pretend to listen to the needs, opinions and feelings of other people, however, in reality you do not show consideration for the others needs, opinions or feelings at all. While you may show an outward willingness to cooperate when conflict occurs, you do not follow through in your behaviour.

When you are behaving in a passive-aggressive way, you usually have little self-confidence and low self esteem. You are afraid to ask for what you want or to admit mistakes. You are jealous of, and threatened by, the success of others.

Being passive-aggressive usually means:

I do not respect myself and I do not respect others enough to express my own thoughts, feelings, needs and wants clearly. I expect the other to know.

I pretend to want to have your approval but I really dont think Ill get it anyway so I make it hard for you.

I do not have the courage to take a stand, express an opinion openly or ask for what I want, so I try to deal with conflicts in an underhand and undermining manner.

This style of behaving is very destructive as both people lose. If you use the passive-aggressive style you are not communicating your thoughts, feelings, needs and wants clearly and openly, and you are not considering the thoughts, feelings, needs and wants of the other. Therefore you are hindering the other from getting their needs met and you are not behaving in ways that will get your own needs met.



Assertive Style of Relating

When you relate in an assertive way, you accept and respect your own rights and the rights of others. You are usually able to express your needs, opinions and feelings openly and appropriately and listen to the needs, opinions and feelings of other people. Relating assertively includes having a sense of give and take in a relationship and a willingness to cooperate when conflict occurs.

When you are assertive, you usually have self-confidence and high self esteem and are not afraid to ask for what you want or to admit mistakes. You are not jealous of, or threatened by, the success of others. Assertive behaviour is constructive, increases self-esteem, builds mutual respect and helps us achieve our goals. It shows in your way of speaking, questioning and in your listening and other non-verbal behaviour.

Being assertive usually means:

I respect myself and I respect others.

I would like to have your approval but Im OK without it.

I have the courage to take this stand. I try to deal with conflicts openly and fairly.

This is an ideal way to relate which no-one can achieve all the time. Your feelings about yourself and other people vary according to circumstances. Part of being assertive includes feeling confident enough about yourself, to accept that you do not have to be perfect, that you are human and will make mistakes.

Being assertive also includes the ability to choose how to relate, having weighed up the risks and benefits. The key word is choose because you can be assertive and choose not to speak up for your rights, or choose to act more aggressively on occasions.

This is quite different from continuously acting passively or aggressively without having any control over how you react.



What is Assertiveness?

Choice

Control

Clarity

Confidence

Collaboration

Being assertive results in having more confidence and control over your life, because you take responsibility for getting your own needs met. When you act assertively your self esteem is increased and you are more likely to achieve closer and more satisfying relationships with others.

Assertiveness is honest, direct and clear communication that involves the following:

Knowing what you need and want.

Knowing what your rights are and what others rights are.

Choosing to make what you need and want clear to others through learning and using assertiveness skills appropriately.

Working yourself to get your needs met while respecting the needs and rights of others.

Getting more control over your reactions, so that your relationship with others, and yourself, is more positive.

Accepting that you will make mistakes and feeling OK about that.

Being assertive does not mean that you will get your own way at all costs, or that you will manipulate others. In fact, it is quite possible that your needs may not be met even when you use assertiveness skills. However, it is more likely that your needs will be met, as the other party will have a clearer idea of what they are.

The goal of assertiveness is mutually agreed-upon solutions where both parties show respect towards each other.

Situations when it may be wise not to speak up assertively:

When the other person is very upset or distracted by other problems.

When the original situation has changed and the problem is no longer relevant.

a person in authority who is not willing to cooperate.

When, for personal reasons (other commitments or being unwell), you have made a conscious choice not to be involved.

In all these situations, you will recognise from your own feelings whether it was actually a choice not to speak up, or whether you were copping out. If it has been a choice, you will feel satisfied and in control and not resentful or helpless. Becoming more assertive in a relationship where there has been continual conflict, or where intense emotional security has been invested, could carry the risk of further conflict. Strong feelings may be hard to manage and if so, it will be preferable to begin with less threatening situations.



Being assertive results in having more confidence and more control over your life, by taking responsibility to meet your own needs which in turn leads to an increase in your self esteem. When you feel like this about yourself, you are more able to achieve closer and more satisfying relationships with others. This will carry over into your workplace, in that your attitude will affect your fellow workers positively, which can lead to improvements in morale and productivity.

How do I identify the different styles of behaving?

The following table gives more details about the four different styles of behaviour.

Style Behaviour patterns Word choices Voice characteristics and body language

Cues

Passive No expression of expectations or feelings

Views stated indirectly or apologetically

Complaints made to the wrong person

Problems not confronted soon enough

No persistence

Unclear negotiation and compromise

Minimising words, dismissing own needs

Apologetic statementspreambles and justifications

Generalised statements about people

Fill-in words (maybe, I guess)

Statements disguised as questions

Pleading or questioning tones

Hesitation

Slumping, downtrodden body posture

Lack of eye contact

Words and non-verbal messages that contradict

Tension and stress

Resentmentfeeling put upon

Unfinished feeling

My needs dont count. I should never upset others

Aggressive Critical expression of expectations and feelings

Blaming and judgemental criticism

Negative intentions attributed to others

Problems acted on too quickly

Unwillingness to listen

Refusal to negotiate and compromise

Overly blunt

Loaded words, sarcasm and other put-downs

Blame put on others: You statements

Always and never statements

Focus on me and my, rather than we

Demands instead of questions

Judgements disguised as questions

Sarcastic, judgemental, overbearing tone

Looking through you eye contact

Tense, impatient body posture

Interruption

Others become defensive

I want what I want. Your needs dont count



Style Behaviour patterns Word choices Voice characteristics and body language

Cues

Passive-aggressive

Tries to usurp others rights in a sneaky or underhand way

Uses indirect putdowns and sarcasm

Manipulates others

Outwardly agreeable but does not comply

Uses conversation as opportunity to gossip and denigrate

Sarcastic or compliant language

May make asides that are designed only to be heard by a few

Personalised attacks or putdowns

Often specific issue is lost as the person moves into subtle attack on personality

Sideways glances

Little direct eye contact

May say what you want to hear but does the opposite

Words and non-verbals may not match

Sarcastic tone or compliant tone

Feeling that the other is untrustworthy and would talk behind your back

I want to find a way where I can get at you but in a way that is not obvious. I want you to feel uncomfortable just like I do

Assertive Clear, direct, non-apologetic expression of expectations and feelings

Descriptive rather than judgemental criticism

Persistence

Willingness to listen

Negotiation and compromise

Dialogue rather than monologue

Neutral language

Statements that are brief, clear and to the point

Personalised statements of concern; I statements

Specific description of behaviour and expectations

Questions to find out the thoughts and needs of others

Cooperative words; focus on problem solving

Requests instead of demands

Neutral, powerful voice tone

Eye contact

Erect, relaxed posture

Words and non-verbals match

Feeling finished. A sense of self-respect

I want to find a way where we both can win



What are the effects of the four approaches?

Passive: Too little too late/never Assertive: Enough of the appropriate behaviour at the right time

Interpersonal conflicts Solves problems

Depression Feels good about others

Helplessness Feels satisfied

Poor self-image Feels good about self

Hurts self Is good to self and others

Loses opportunities Creates and makes the most of opportunities

Stress Relaxed

Feels out of control Feels in control of self

Dislikes self and others Likes self and others

Aggressive: Too much, too soon/too late Passive-aggressive: Too little too late/never

Interpersonal conflicts Interpersonal conflicts

Guilt Resentment build up

Frustration Internalises anger and makes others angry

Poor self-image Poor self-image

Hurts others Hurts self and other

Loses opportunities Loses opportunities

Stress Stress

Feels out of control Feels in control but is really out of control

Dislikes others Dislikes self and others



Power Bases

Think about a person whose requests you often comply with, or to whom you often defer or say yes. What is their power based on?

Using the questions below, try to identify the power bases that are operating in your relationship with each person.

Person Power base Possible probing questions

Valued Relationship Do you care about the relationship being friendly?

Do you fear that the relationship would suffer if you did not comply?

Expertise Do you trust the advice the person gives because they know more about the issues or situation than you do?

Position Do you respect the authority the person has?

Where do you place yourself in the pecking order compared to this person?

Reward Does the person reward you (openly or covertly) if you agree?

Which rewards, if any, influence you?

Punishment Does the person punish you or show disapproval in any way if you disagree?

If so, how?

Persuasiveness Which personal qualities do you particularly admire or respect? (E.g. The persons common sense, ability to sell an idea well, charisma, integrity)

How does this influence how you relate to this person?

Power bases help people get what they want, either fairly or unfairly. When you feel stood over, manipulated or tricked, it is possible someone has used their power base inappropriately.

(CRN Conflict Resolution Trainers Manual)



Learning to Be Assertive

Learning to be assertive involves working on seven distinct areas:

1. Recognising unassertive behaviour in yourself and others.

2. Recognising and being willing to exercise your basic rights as a human being.

3. Becoming aware of your own unique feelings, needs and wants.

4. Practising assertive responses, first through writing and role-playing, then in real life.

5. Developing assertive non-verbal responses.

6. Learning to avoid manipulation.

7. Learning to say no.

Why bother being assertive?

Being assertive allows you to:

ask for what you want

not feel guilty

not be pushed around by others

respect individuality

be flexible

admit mistakes

take responsibility

let others know of your thoughts, feelings, needs and wants

state your views

feel more confident about yourself and your rights

achieve a winwin so that both parties will feel positive.



You Messages

Usually include the words you, youre, you must, you should. Here the speaker is taking no responsibility for how they see the problem, rather blaming the other. Usually there is no sharing or listening and the real issues are often avoided.

The effect of you statements is that they are confronting and aggressive. They lead to an increase in feelings of hostility and resentment, and can even damage the relationship. This is because they seem like an attack.

I Messages

Usually include I. In these messages both parties are taking responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and emotions. There is a more honest, open and sharing atmosphere. I messages concentrate on the issues, not the personalities, laying no direct blame. They are specific and clear about the problem, so that misunderstandings are reduced.

Because people are being open, honest, taking responsibility and concentrating on the issues, the effects are that mutual respect is maintained and the relationship is enhanced.

Why are I messages effective?

The I message is less likely to provoke defensiveness or resistance. It is far less threatening to the receiver when you tell them the effect of their behaviour on you, rather than implying or stating that there is something bad about them because they engage in that behaviour.

If you concentrate on the effect of the behaviour, rather than the others personality, it means you are giving the person a choicethey can change their behaviour, and thus change the effect they have on you to be more positive, or they may not.

Example:

Youre so selfishyou never help me with the washing up.

The first message tells the other that you think they are bad in some way. This message can be argued against and probably resisted.

I feel disappointed that you havent helped me with the washing up because we both had dinner so I think its fair if we both clean up.

The second message tells the other how you feel and whya fact that can hardly be argued with. By telling the other how you feel, you then place responsibility on the other person to change their behaviour in some way. You are telling the other that you trust them to respect your needs, giving them a chance to begin behaving constructively.

Because I messages are honest, they tend to influence others to send similar honest messages whenever they have a feeling to express.

I messages are less likely to produce the struggle of the you message, where both parties are alternatively attacking and defending. This doesnt mean that sending an I message is a guarantee of success. None of us likes to hear that our behaviour is causing problems. However, it is far less threatening for the other to hear how you feel rather then being accused of causing that feeling.



I Statements

Sometimes the most difficult part of being assertive is knowing how to express what we are feeling or what we want so that the person does not become defensive.

An I statement can help you communicate your concerns assertively, and ensures that you:

use I language rather than you language

are as objective as possible

do not blame

do not demand.

As with all new skills, I statements do not seem natural at first but with practice will become automaticthink about when you learnt to drive a car or ride a bicycle!



Your Assertiveness Toolkit

How to use this style:

Be clear about your goal/s.

Prepare your assertiveness statements ahead of time.

1. Direct I statement

I need a decision on this by 3.00pm.

2. Id prefer/I need/I suggest/How about?

Id like you to let me know by 5.00pm.

3. When I feel because

When I still dont know your decision, I feel frustrated because I need your answer so that I can start my work.

4. Empathy and assertion

I know youre really busy. I need a decision from you so that I can start my work.

5. Positive evaluation plus assertion

That sounds a really interesting idea; Id like to hear it after Ive finished my point.

6. Probing question

What makes you think that? or If you were John, how would you feel? or How do you think the others feel when they see you come in late?

7. Broken record

Im sorry, Id prefer not to (repeated).

8. Disengage

Ill ring you back in five minutes to let you know.

9. Common ground

We both have a lot to gain if we can solve this problem.



10. Saving face

Theres been a misunderstanding. You may not have realised that I spoke with your PA and organised it with her.

11. Whats in it for you?

So that others will be clear about your needs and feelings, and you are more likely to be really heard, say whats on your mind.

12. Positive statement

I really like the way you listen to me and really try to understand.

13. If then

If you swap Saturdays shift with me, Ill work a weekend for you.

14. Discrepancy

Mike, we agreed that you would ring me when you were going to be late, and that hasnt happened. Im confused as to why youre not doing what we agreed.



Putting Assertiveness Into Practice

Why do I say yes, when I really mean no?

Sometimes, to avoid conflict we comply with others wishes. We can also be afraid of peoples rejection, especially if we are close to them and rely on them for support. In either situation, there is a power imbalance in the relationship. Assertiveness helps ensure a fair and respectful relationship.

No is not a dirty word!

Saying no to someones requests that conflict with your own needs and desires is honest. You have the right to say no, without feeling guilty.

Usually saying no thank you or no Im not interested in a firm, polite manner is enough. If someone persists, then simply repeat yourself without apology! If you want to give an explanation then:

Acknowledge the request by repeating it.

Say no and explain your reason for declining it.

Optionalsuggest an alternative proposal where both peoples needs are met.



How can I refuse a request?

1. Simply say No or No thank you.

You have the right not to give a reason why you chose to say no.

2. Give a genuine reason

An assertive way of saying this would be:

I wont be able to go because I have agreed/chosen/would like to work back.

Refusals expressing your feelings can also be assertive. For example:

I dont feel comfortable lending my car.

3. Reflective listening, then no

I know you really need me to work overtime this afternoon. Id usually be glad too. This time Ive made another commitment. I just cant stay back.

4. Suggest another alternative

I dont have time to complete the report this afternoon. Id prefer to come in early tomorrow morning and do it then.

5. Disengage, then get back to the person later

If you are taken by surprise, remember that you have the right not to reply automatically. Give yourself some time to think and tell the person you will get back to them within a designated time frame.

I cant tell you right now. Ill ring you back in five minutes.

6. Positive evaluation then alternative

Ive helped you before and normally Id be glad to. Im not available now. Why dont you try asking John?

7. Saving face

You probably didnt know that I have RSI and cant type. John or Jim may do it if you ask them .

8. Give benefits

So that you can get this done more quickly, I suggest you ask someone else. I couldnt start till tomorrow.



9. The broken record

This is helpful when you are dealing with very aggressive or manipulative people who wont take no for an answer.

Select a succinct one sentence refusal statement. Im not able to help out today.

After each statement by the other person, say your broken record statement. Dont allow yourself to get sidetracked by responding to any issues the other raises.

Say it in a soft, calm, unemotional voice.

Allow plenty of silence. (In the silence, the other person will realise that all their statements and manipulations will be futile).

Remember:

You have the right to ask for time to consider a request. For example:

Although I would like to come, I tend to over-commit myself. Id prefer let you know in the morning.

Making Requests

Many people also have difficulty making requests of others. When making a request we can be afraid of rejection as well as wanting to avoid potential conflict. There may also be a sense of not wanting to inconvenience the other person.

Remember, when someone says no to your request, they are not rejecting you but rejecting the request. This is an important distinction.

Most people like to help others when they can. By not asking for help you could be denying the other of that good feeling we get when we know we have done something useful or important for another.

Avoid using manipulative tactics when making a request. When we feel this manipulative pressure, we are more likely to resent the request and react negatively.

When making requests you need to follow some simple rules:

1. Be clear about what you are requesting.

2. Check with the person to see if the request is clearly understood.

3. Confirm with the person if they can meet your request.



Why Is Listening Important?

One of the greatest keys to building relations with others is to be an effective listener, to show you are interested in the other; that they are important to you.

Listening is said to be the most neglected skill of communication. Most of us are highly inefficient listeners, missing much of the message directed to us, misinterpreting much of what we do receive and forgetting the bulk of what we are intended to remember.

Part of the reason why listening is not very effective lies in the fact that an average speaker talks at a rate of about 120 words per minute, while a listener can assimilate information at 450500 words per minute. This difference is where the problem lies. Often people will spend this thinking time preparing their response or thinking about something different altogether!

Listening to Build Bridges

Some Barriers to Effective Listening

Listening without observing

Body language is a very powerful give-away of how someone feels. Remember, body language may contradict the message that is being delivered. Watch carefully!

Pretending to listen

This is quickly picked up by the speaker and is a real turn-off!

Closed mind

Our personal ideals and beliefs can prevent us from listening to someone with different views.

Excessive talker

We have to decide whether to be a talker or a listener. We cant be both at the same time. The danger with the excessive talker is that they are preparing what theyre going to say next instead of listening.

Wishful hearing

We may hear only what we want to hear and tend to screen out things that threaten our comfort or satisfaction.

Assumptions

We may have a tendency to assume things that were not said. For example, if our manager asks, Has Sue Smith arrived yet? we may assume the manager asked because they are checking up on Sue; Sue is in trouble; they want to talk with Sue; Sue is to get a promotion etc. We carry with us images and stereotypes of past experiences and may need to accept that a conscious effort is needed to gain objectivity.



Guidelines to Becoming an Effective Listener

Stop talking!

Dont argue in your head!

Communicate your desire to listen

Check your understanding and interpretation by summarising

Show you want to listen by eye contact, facial and body expressions

Wait until the sender finishes before evaluating the message and responding

See things from the other persons point of view

Practise empathy and ask questions

Dont make assumptions

To develop relationships you need to develop empathy.

What is Empathy?

Trying to see things from the other persons point of view

Being sincere

Using appropriate body language

Using statements that demonstrate your understanding of the other persons situation.



Listening Skills

Attending Skills

A posture of involvement

Appropriate body movement

Eye contact

Non-distracting environment

Following Skills

Door openers

Minimal encouragers

Occasional questions

Attentive silence

Reflecting Skills

Paraphrasing

Reflecting feeling

Reflecting meaning

Reflecting feeling and meaning

Summarising



The Four Types of Active Listening

1. Paraphrasing the essence of the content back to the speaker in the listeners own words.

For example:

Speaker: I just love what I do, its such a challenging job but, I dont know, maybe Im on a treadmill that I dont know about! Sometimes I feel like throwing it all in to travel the world.

Listener: So youre in conflict between liking your job, but wanting the excitement of travel.

2. Reflecting the feeling back to the speaker so that you are reflecting the emotions which the speaker has communicated.

For example:

Speaker: I cant believe I didnt get that sale. The guy had me back to his office twice. He seemed so interested I was sure it was clinched.

Listener: Its really disappointing.

3. Reflecting meaning back to the speaker by combining content and feeling.

For example:

Speaker: Its just amazing how things happen. After I was made redundant I felt so bad, but my new job is a thousand times better than the one I had before. I could never have believed it. Not only that, because Im feeling happier my relationship with David has really improved. Funny how life goes.

Listener: So things looked pretty rough for a while but now youre feeling great.

4. Summarising the most important themes and feelings that the speaker expressed in a long conversation. By putting things together in a meaningful way the speaker gets an integrated picture of what they have said. It states the important emphases that have been repeated over and over again or that have been stated with the most intensity.

The use of the following sentence beginnings can help you get started using the skill of summarising:

One theme you keep coming back to seems to be

As Ive been listening to you, your main concern seems to be

Ive been thinking about what you said. I see something that may be a pattern and Id like to check it out. You

Lets go over what weve looked at so far

For example:

Speaker: Whats the use of trying to change anything around here?

Listener: You sound discouraged about not being able to do something you wanted.



How do you know that youve got it right?

1. The person will tell you.

2. People will go further into their problems.

3. Person may sit silentsatisfied youve got it all.

4. Person will relax.

How do you know if youve got it wrong?

1. Person becomes more tense.

2. Person changes the subject to something less personal.

3. Person changes it to an intellectual discussion.

4. Person appears bored.

5. Person repeats themself.

When to Use Active Listening

1. Before taking action: for example, communicating with others is often misleading. A simple paraphrase can be used to check for accuracy when youve been asked to do a task.

2. Before you criticise or argue: Many arguments could be avoided if people really understood what the other person was saying.

3. When the other person has strong feelings or wants to talk over a problem.

4. When the speaker is struggling to give a messageactive listening helps to decode the message and uncover the real point of what the speaker is trying to say.

5. When the other person wants to explore a problem.

6. When talking about things that are very important to one or both people, or when conflict is involved.



Questioning Techniques

Types of Questions

There are two broad types of commonly used questions: open and closed.

Closed Questions

A closed question is designed to elicit a specific, or simple response, usually a Yes or No, or a simple, one-word answer. They serve a useful purpose, in certain situations, particularly if someone is not coming to the point and you wish to clarify what they are saying.

Examples of a closed question are:

Is it raining today?

Do you like ice-cream?

Did you enjoy the party?

Would you like some more dessert?

Have you finished the washing up yet?

Open Questions

These are questions designed to elicit information, and to get the person to open up. They require more than a simple, one-word response and encourage the sharing of ideas and information.

Tell me some of the things that impressed you about your trip to Cairns?

Please fill me in on how you went about doing the research?

How are you going with your part time job?

What did you think of the conference?

Why do you feel that you are being treated unfairly?



Probing Questions

Sometimes a series of questions may seem too much like a cross-examination and put the other on the defensive. Probing statements can also be used to get the other person to come up with more information or to try to clarify the others position.

For example:

Tell me more about that; Im curious about what you mean.

Some statements by their very nature encourage the other to become more specific. They can relate to the others experiences, behaviours and feelings, or a combination of the three.

I realise now that you often get angry when your sister comes to stay, but Im still not sure what she does that makes you angry.

After three years in Australia, youre still not happy here. Maybe you could tell me what it is about living here that gets to you the most.

So he got the job that you worked so hard for, and you suspect that your being a woman had a lot to do with it. I could imagine that youve been feeling pretty churned up this week.



Expressing Your Strong Feelings

If you have negative feelings that you need to express, you should:

be very specific

describe the behaviour that you find upsetting

say how this affects you

say what you would like to happen next.

For example:

I feel very nervous when you drive this close to the car in front. Could you please leave more space between cars?

I feel quite discouraged when Im speaking and Im talked over because I have something that I need to say. I would like to finish what Im saying and then Ill listen to what you have to say.

Im concerned when Im given work so late in the day as I cant get it done in such a short timeframe. I need to leave on time tonight. So that I can give you what you need, Id prefer that you gave me work earlier.

Dealing With Anothers Strong Feelings

One of the important parts of assertiveness is to show your understanding of another person. This is especially important when the other person is upset. This doesnt mean you have to agree with the other person, but showing your understanding keeps communication going.

Acknowledging the fact that the other has feelings often defuses the feeling. For example:

You seem angry or upset. Is something worrying you?



Beware of Manipulation!

Society and families often teach us that it is not safe to come right out and say or do what we want to. You may have learnt to believe that being honest and expressing negative feelings directly will antagonise or hurt others and make you unpopular or rejected.

What often happens is that when you cannot ignore your feelings, you may try to get what you want indirectly. This is called unassertive behaviour. It is useful to be aware of these games, so that you have a better understanding of what is going on around you.

When people are uncomfortable with being direct about their feelings or what they want, they become very skilled at being indirect or subtle in getting what they want. Unfortunately this type of behaviour often turns into manipulation of others.

Manipulation is unfair and destructive to relationships because the person who is being manipulated:

is often unaware of it

has no protection against it

feels powerless

feels angry and resentful when they realise what is happening.

Feeling manipulated or manipulating someone else may get you an immediate result, but it can cause long-term damage to the relationship. Feelings of resentment and lack of trust feature strongly if people feel they have been manipulated.

Cooperation and consensus depend on people influencing others. However, when people feel tricked, forced or resentful, it is likely that someone has used manipulation.

There is no clear way to distinguish manipulation from influence in all cases. The difference is based on the intention of the communicator and that persons integrity as well as the desirability of the outcomes for the people involved.



What Stops You From Asserting Yourself?

There are four obstacles to assertive behaviour:

Negative Thinking

Negative thinking and actions may limit your opportunities. The following list provides examples of negative thinking that may create a block to assertive behaviour.

1. Assuming that you know how others will react.

2. Putting negative labels on assertive behaviour.

3. Exaggerating the possible unpleasant consequences.

4. Assuming the worst will automatically happen.

5. Setting limiting restrictions on when to be assertive.

6. Rationalising your feelings.

7. Emotional reasoning.

8. Taking responsibility for other peoples feelings.

Fear

1. Over emphasising the significance of making a mistake.

2. Assuming that others will think the worst of you.

3. Fear of negative reactions.

4. Fear of rejection.

5. Fear of being put down.

6. Fear of conflict.

Unrealistic Expectations

1. Expectations of your own behaviour.

2. Expectations of other peoples behaviour.

3. Expecting that all your problems will be solved by being assertive, then giving up when they are not.



Talking Yourself into Being Assertive

By asking yourself the following questions it may be possible to overcome some of the obstacles to assertive behaviour.

1. Where is the evidence that my thinking is correct? Substitute realistic thoughts.

2. Am I overemphasising the significance of making a mistake or of what people will think of me?

3. If the worst did happen, in what ways might I handle it?

4. Can I control, or am I responsible for, how the other person feels and reacts?

5. Are my expectations of myself and others realistic?

6. What can I do to deal with an unpleasant reaction to my assertive behaviour?



Dealing with Aggression

We will all be confronted with aggressive behaviours throughout our lives. That is part of life. The best way to deal with this behaviour is assertively.

Dealing with aggression effectively has important benefits to you and others. It helps to:

establish and maintain a rapport with the other person

generate options for solving problems

educate and be educated about the issues

reach an agreement or outcome that is satisfactory to all involved.

To successfully deal with aggression, we each need to focus on being:

ethical

confident

emotionally balanced

patient

persistent

optimistic

true to self.

There is a wide range of skills that you need to handle aggression effectively. The types of skills important to successfully dealing with aggression include:

active listening

assertive language, tone and body language

use of questions and inclusive language

reflecting concerns and feelings

brainstorming

reframing a problem



Steps to Deal Successfully with Aggression

Respond, not react

Centre. Manage your emotions.

Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass.

Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling humiliated (for example: use saving face or empathy assertiveness).

Focus on the issue

Maintain the relationship and try to resolve the issue.

Review common ground and agreement.

Focus on being partners solving the problem, not opponents.

Divide the issue into parts.

Address a less difficult aspect when stuck.

Give and take If you will , then I will

Try for agreement in principle. Summarise how far youve got.

Explore best and worst alternatives for a negotiated agreement.

Identify unfair tactics

Name the behaviour as a tactic.

Expose the feelings that the tactics have exposed.

Use I statements.

Address the motive for using the tactic.

Ask about underlying principles and commitments.

Change the physical circumstance

Have a break. Change locations, seating arrangements, etc.

Go into smaller groups. Meet privately.

Call for a meeting to end now and resume later, perhaps to give opportunities for reflection.

Copyright: The Conflict Resolution Network. May be reproduced if this notice appears



Giving and Receiving Praise and Criticism

Why Do We Resist Giving Criticism?

Usually because were afraid of something: we dont know how to do it ourselves, it is easier to be sarcastic, joke about it or simply ignore the problem.

Steps in giving constructive criticism:

Communicate

Clarify and confirm that you are both talking about the same issue. Often people are coming from completely different positions and viewpoints.

Mention those behaviours that are good and praise them. The person will be more willing to listen to what you have to say.

Clarify

Mention the areas you want to criticise in specific terms. Attack the problem, not the person.

Work together to build a plan for correcting the situation. For example, This is the problem, now what you do think we can do to help solve the problem?

Commit

Gain the commitment of your staff member in making these changes.



How Do I Respond to Criticism?

Listen carefully to what is said, decide how valid it is for you and choose your response.

Remember Your Assertive Non-Verbal Behaviour

Non-verbal assertiveness can be demonstrated in a number of ways, including the following:

Maintain appropriate eye contact. Looking down or away conveys the message that you are not quite sure about asking for what you want.

Face the person you are speaking with rather than standing off to the side.

Do not back off or move away from the other person.

Maintain an open posture. If you are sitting, dont cross you legs or arms; if standing, stand erect and on both feet, dont put your hands in your pockets.

Speak slowly, calmly, and deliberately. Avoid getting overly emotional or excited. If you are feeling angry, discharge your feelings somewhere else before you attempt to be assertive.

Take your time in formulating a response.

Silence can also be a very effective non-verbal assertiveness tool.



Different Types of Criticism

Justified

Partially justified

Unjustified

1. Justified criticism

When criticism is justified the most appropriate response is to accept it. This does not mean that you need to apologise excessively, or defend, or put yourself down.

Once you admit the mistake you can move on, rather than being bogged down in self-criticism. Accepting justified criticism also helps finish the criticism. When you agree with the critic, there is nowhere for the critic to go.

For example:

Criticism George, there are typos in this report.

Reply Im sorry, Ill fix them for you this morning.

2. Partial/vague criticism

This is when the criticism is partly true but also partly untrue. It requires that you admit to the part of the criticism that is true and not accept the part that is untrue. However, before you reject the part that you think is not true you must find out exactly what the critic is objecting too.

You can respond to this type of criticism using a number of techniques:

admitting/asserting

fogging

asking for feedback

disengaging.



Admitting/Asserting

Acknowledge the truth in the criticism

Assert your view in the part of the criticism you disagree with.

For example:

Criticism How could you overlook that option?

Reply I dismissed that option because based on our previous experience it was not appropriate at that time. I did not overlook it.

Criticism You never take the children to soccer.

Reply I didnt take the children to soccer this week thats true, but I have taken them for the last three weeks.

Criticism Youre so pushy.

Reply Well, I am pushing to get this typing completed, but no, I am not a pushy person.

Criticism Youre always late to these meetings.

Reply Today I am late, however this is an exception as normally I am here right on time.

Fogging

Accept the criticism by calmly admitting that there may be some truth in the criticism.

Listen to the criticism

Remain unaffected by the criticism.

For example:

You could be right about that.

Im sure I could have done it better.

I can see why you think that.

Yes, I know I could organise my work more effectively.

Yes, perhaps my phone manner could improve.

I can understand that youd be upset if you thought I had

One of the benefits of fogging is that it forces you to listen to your critic instead of automatically reacting to their comments.

As well as fogging, you could ignore the criticism, grin and bear it or disagree politely.

In all criticism it is important to ask yourself what the critic is getting out of giving the criticism.



Requesting Specific Feedback

To break the cycle of criticism and improve understanding and communication, listen to the critic and ask questions to get specific feedback.

Responses:

Im not really sure what you mean by that.

What, specifically, did I do that upset you?

If you were me, what would you have done?

Is there any way you can think of that would help me improve my performance?

Can you give me some examples of what you mean?

Disengaging

If a criticism takes you completely by surprise, you may feel confused and not sure of what you want to say.

You can respond assertively in this position by indicating the surprise, confusion and/or disappointment that the criticism provokes.

Do not respond to the content of the criticism.

For example:

Criticism That really was a pathetic job you did on that report.

Reply Im really confused about that criticism. Id like to talk with you about that this afternoon.

By backing up for a moment to examine your feelings, rather than simply reacting from panic, you can most effectively sort out and respond to the realities of the critical message.



3. Unjustified criticism

If you feel that a criticism is unjustified, it is important that you do not accept it. Not only should you counter unjustified criticism, but also you must not allow yourself to get upset by it.

This does not mean that you must become unwilling to listen to other opinions. What it does mean is that you must learn to calmly give your side of an argument if you believe you are in the right.

If you respond aggressively, you will damage the relationship you have with the critic. If you respond passively, you will appear to have little self-confidence and may lose the respect of others and yourself.

For unjustified criticism you need to use the same techniques as for partial criticism. The point is, you cannot defend yourself until you know exactly what the criticism is.

Get the critic to be specific, then use the facts you have to go through each of the critics points to show how each is inaccurate.

For example:

1. Question them. Ask them to be specific, say how the issue affects them, and if there is anything else they wish to say.

2. Do some sorting. Point out that there are several issues and offer to discuss one.

3. Say you dont agree with them and explain your position based on evidence, and/or how you feel about the criticism.

4. Selectively ignore. Respond to the bits you decide you want to respond to and ignore the rest.



Giving Criticism

When these situations come up, you will need to have a discussion with the other person so that you can find out the reason for their inappropriate behaviour and get their commitment to changing it.

1. Raise the problem

I need your help with

Im concerned about

Ive got an issue that I need to talk with you about. Yesterday

2. Choose an Im OK/Youre OK time when talking over a difficult subject.

3. Be aware of your own values and what pushes your buttons.

4. Be specific

Use I statementsWhen I feel because

Use probing and/or open questions to encourage the other to open up.

How do you see the situation?

Tell me where you think the problem may lie.

Im not quite sure just where the problem is.

5. Use active listening

Encourage the other to speak and show that you understand their point of view. As you show that youre concerned with their needs, their emotions will reduce.

So you see the problem as

Youre concerned that switching to a new system could cause morale problems.

6. Stay in control

Dont blame the other. This will help reduce conflict. You may decide to confront the other or to be aggressive, but it should be a rational choice, not an automatic response.



7. Ask for a change in behaviour

Look at ways of changing behaviour together, so as to get the others commitment.

In the future how can we

How do you think this could have been avoided?

This is what Id like to suggest we do

Id like to hear how you think we can solve this problem.

8. Agree on an action plan

Summarise the agreement in a positive way.

So Ill organise and youll talk with

Set a time-frame.

When can I have the completed report?

Close the discussion in a positive way.

Im glad we were able to talk about this. I feel much happier now. I hope you do too.

9. Follow up

Encourage the person. Set times when you can check progress. This can be formal or informal.

The Action

Provides an objective description. Start the statement with the word when. Try to avoid the use of emotive language or the word you. Often, as soon as a person hears the word you they feel accused and may become defensive.

My Response

Give an accurate statement of your response without laying blame. Start with I feel or I feel like

My Preferred Outcome

States your preferred outcome without placing a demand on the other person. Start with And what Id like is



References

Books

Back, K & Back, K 1991, Assertiveness at Work: A Practical Guide to Handling Awkward Situations, McGraw-Hill International Limited.

Bishop, S 2004, Developing Your Assertiveness, Kogan Page.

Bower, SA & Bower, GH, 2004, Asserting Yourself: a practical guide to positive change, De Capo Press.

Edelman, S 2002, Change Your Thinking, ABC Books.

Jeffers, S 2006. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Ballantine Books.

Paterson, RJ 2000, The Assertiveness Workbook, New Harbinger Publications.

Siegel, DJ 2010, Mindsight: The Art of Personal Transformation, Bantam Books.

Internet

The Conflict Resolution Network

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