How to be British No. 1: You can tell I’m British

You can tell I’m British because...

• I live in the past • I don’t care what people think • I’m a different person when the sun’s out • I’m not bothered about a bit of dust • I never refuse a drink • I don’t speak a foreign language • I’m lost without my dog • I wouldn’t live anywhere else

How to be British No. 2: The United Kingdom

How to be British No. 3: Starting a conversation

Get around in English

Lesson Forty-four: How to Start a Conversation

Use this handy card whenever you want to start a conversation with a British person. Just look them in the eye and say the conversation starter for your level. It’s as easy as that!

Elementary

It’s a nice day today, isn’t it?

Intermediate

Bit of a cold wind today, isn’t there? Looks like we’re in for some rain later.

Advanced

A trough of low pressure is sweeping down from south-east Iceland, bringing fog and frost to low lying areas, with scattered thunderstorms in the west and a belt of rain, which may fall as sleet or snow over the Pennines, moving across the whole country by tomorrow lunchtime.

Don’t worry if you can’t understand their reply—jus t keep smiling!

Tourists like you are ruining this place!

Yes, it is, isn’t it?

How to be British No. 4: British beer

British Beer or Instant English!

Units Language level 1 pint No change to your English 2 pints Your English goes up a level 3 “ Your English goes up a level (but the grammar disappears) 4 “ You become very fluent, but start mixing English with your own language 5 “ You discover you can sing in English, and are brilliant at karaoke 6 “ You suddenly know lots of taboo words in English (fortunately, no-one else seems to understand them) 7 “ You can’t speak English at all (and also forget your own language) Over 7 (Danger Zone!) You start speaking American English

How to be British No. 5: Ye Olde Britaine

How to be British No. 6: Breakfast

How to be British No. 7: The British bathroom

The (British) Bathroom

1. The bath 2. Cold tap 3. Very cold tap 4. Shower (not in UK) 5. Chain (see instructions) 6. W.C. 7. Safety belt 8. Toilet brush (not to be used internally) 9. Medicated toilet tissue (industrial strength) 10. Washbasin 11. Air-conditioning 12. Monitoring device (for staff training purposes only) 13. Tiddles 14. Guest room (overspill)

How to be British No. 8: How to complain

Get around in English: Lesson Sixteen How to Complain

This meat is as tough as old boots. How’s your fish?

It tastes off. And these vegetables are cold.

This wine is awful — I asked for dry and they’ve given us sweet!

And look, there’s a worm in my side-salad..

How is your meal? Is everything all right?

Oh, yes. It’s lovely!

Excellent thank you!

How to be British No. 9: Tourist Attractions

How to be British No. 10: Speak slowly, please

My English When I Arrived Here

Speak slowly, I don’t can good understand

My English Now (£5000 later)

Speak slowly, please, I don’t can good understand!

How to be British No. 11: Practise Your Prepositions

Get aound in ENGLISH

Lesson Ninety-five: Practise Your Prepositions

down, up

next to, on

off, away

back

How to be British No. 12: How to be polite

Get around in English

Lesson Twenty Five: How to be Polite

1. Wrong

HELP!

2. Right

Excuse me, Sir, I’m terribly sorry to bother you, but I wonder if you would mind helping me a moment, as long as it’s no trouble, of course

How to be British No. 13: Dress sense

Mm. The British are obviously warmer people than I thought...

And I say you’re not properly dressed!

How to be British No. 14: Shopping

ust think – there are over 200 museums, galleries and heritage sites in London

Luckily, I only had time to go shopping!

How to be British No. 15: Brits Abroad

I can't understand this – it's all FOREIGN

This weather's too hot for me! Well, take your pullover off then!

I'll tell you one thing – you can't get a decent CUP of TEA in this place!

How to be British No. 16: Big Bong

EXCUSE—ME—COULD—YOU—TELL—ME—THE—TIME—PLEASE—?

I'M—SORRY—I'M—A—STRANGER—HERE—MYSELF

How to be British No. 17: What to say before you eat

What to Say Before You Eat

A European Cultural Exchange Initiative

France: Bon appetit!

Germany: Guten Appetit!

Italy: Buon appetito!

Britain: Never mind!

How to be British No. 18: Having a great time

Apart from The Weather, The Food, The accommodation, The Countryside, The People and the Language I’m having a great time here!

Wotcha, mate! How are ye diddling? Blooming brass monkey weather innit, eh? Say, how are you fixed for the odd bob or two...?

How to be British No. 19: Mind the gap!

Get around in English

Lesson Thirteen: Survival English

Mind the gap! — Mind the gap!

Mm. I wonder what “Mind the gap” means...

Mind the gap! — Mind the gap!

I must find out...

Ah! This must be why it’s called the “Underground”...

How to be British No. 20: How to pronounce the th

Get around in English

Lesson Seventy-two: How to Pronounce the th sound

1. Place tip of tongue behind the top teeth

2. Breathe out

3. Retract tongue

4. Vibrate air behind tongue and say:

5. “The Smiths wear thin clothes throughout the winter months”

6. Consult dentist

How to be British No. 21: Asking the Way

Get around in English

Lesson Six

Asking the Way

How to be British No. 22: Eat Fish & Chips

EAT FISH & CHIPS

if it’s the last thing you do!

How to be British No. 23: Great Britons

How to be British No. 24: Brain of Britain

Brain of Britain

language learning facility (not visible to naked eye)

Royal Family recognition centre

mistrust of Europe ventricle

national pride gland (likely to become inflamed during World Cup)

etc, etc,...

How to be British No. 25: Seaside Holidays

Seaside holidays

Ah, you can't beat a good old-fashioned British seaside holiday — no worries about harmful ultra-violet rays for us!

How to be British No. 26: The British Pub

THE BRITISH PUB has survived unchanged for a 1000 years. A little thing like the smoking ban isn’t going to make a difference…

How to be British No. 27: Fair Play

BRITAIN, the home of fair play

After you!

No, I couldn’t possibly – it’s your turn!

…and good losers!

Oh, bad luck

Never mind – it’s only a game!

How to be British No. 28: Real Mail

You can’t beat good old-fashioned REAL mail—

agonising for hours over which card to buy

queuing up at the post office to buy the right stamp

writing a unique personal message by hand

sticking the stamp in the proper place

dashing to the nearest pillar box to catch the post

—when it really matters

How to be British No. 29: On the Coast

Get closer to the sea…

VISIT THE BRITISH COAST (while it’s still there!)

How to be British No. 30: On the Phone

Get around in ENGLISH

Lesson Eleven

On the Phone