MARY SUE’SSECRETAFFAIR

WITH AMOVIE STAR

CAMPUS EXCLUSIVE! Graduation

cancelled due to budget cuts (p. 5)

THE SMACK-COUNTERSMACK PUBLICATION FOR APRIL 1, 2011

And why is this University naming its buildings after him? (p. 3)

Consider :

PUBLICHEALTHSCARE!

(p. 2)

WHO’S BERT?

GEORGECLOONEY!

GORGEOUS GEORGE PRESTIGIOUS PREZ

EPICBUM PINCH

DEMONS UNDERTHE DIAGWHO THE F***IS THIS BERTGUY, ANYWAY?

Remove the M from theCentral Campus Diag

Who the Fuck is this SchoolNaming its Buildings After?

SMACK • FROM THE GARGOYLE COUNTERSMACK • FROM THE E VERY THREE WEEKLY

For decades, Michigan has been haunted by a ghastly presence that has a!ected the life of every student, sta! member, and overfed squirrel to ever set foot (or paw) on campus. "e few students brave or foolish enough to speak about it do so in hushed whispers, fearing that even the mere utterance of its name may bring about terrible consequences. "is is, of course, completely unfounded, but is to be expected from a generation of Harry Potter nerds. Out of respect for the many students who refer to this terror as “It-"at-Must-Not-Be-Named,” I’m hesitant to address it by its proper distinction, but the editors of Consider Magazine have assured me that this is a space for free speech, and I need not censor even the most heinous of curse words, so I’ll just come right out and say it. I refer to the unholy terror incarnate that we must face nearly every day of our unfortunate lives: the block M on the Diag.

"e origin of this cursed artifact dates back to Ancient Ann Arborian civilization, circa #$%% &'. "e original M persevered until #$(%, when it was re-moved, supposedly to remedy structural damage to the concrete done by time but actually to remedy structural damage to students’ souls done by stepping on the M. A)er its destruction in the *res of Mount Doom, a year of peace, prosper-ity, and bountiful harvest followed. But like a cold, brass phoenix that is also a witch, it was rebuilt a mere year later at the request of the demon-possessed class of #$(+. It remains to this very day, wreaking havoc upon every new class to enroll at Michigan.

For those of you blissfully ignorant of the evils perpetuated by the block M, allow me to rob you of your innocence. Every single Michigan student who has ever stepped on the M before taking his or her *rst blue book examination at the university has failed the aforemen-tioned examination. For those of you desiring so-called “statistical proof” of this curse: In a recent survey of people currently sitting in my dorm room, a full #,,- reported having failed my *rst blue book a)er stepping on the M. Until recently, those a.icted by the M’s curse could free themselves from its in/uence through a satanic ritual which involved running naked from the bell tower to the Natural Science Museum and back at midnight before the bell stopped ringing. Regrettably, thanks to a Zion-ist conspiracy, the bell tower no longer rings at midnight, and now those hexed by the M are eternally damned without hope of salvation.

Of course, the M’s wicked powers are not limited to this. Every year, on a pagan holiday known as the Unhal-lowed Ceremony of Ceaseless Misfor-tune (commonly referred to by nonbe-lievers as the MSU game), the M emits a frequency heard only by those vile creatures known as State fans (and, for some reason, pigeons). They descend upon our campus in enraged swarms, hell-bent on destroying the M—a feat we would happily allow them to ac-complish if the M did not simultane-ously reach its dark tendrils into the minds of vulnerable Michigan football fans and force them against their will to defend it. Like moths to the slaugh-terhouse or cattle to the f lame, these opposing armies are drawn to battle each other, year after year, in the name of a fearsome entity whose power nei-ther can escape. The annual death toll exceeds that of any other University-related phenomenon, far surpassing those of fraternity hazing rituals and

even post-Organic Chemistry exam mass suicides.

Naturally, the M’s power waxes and wanes with the cycle of the moon—much like witches, werewolves, and Women’s Studies majors. Students for-tunate enough to encounter it at the trough of its biorhythmic cycle have re-ported that the experience did not cause their future exam grades to slip, but that their confrontation resulted in slipping of another kind: the literal kind. Which is, like, also pretty shitty. Have you ever fallen on concrete? It hurts. Anything that makes that many students go down must either be a cursed artifact or a GSI who o!ers lots of “extra credit.”

If you require further proof of the M’s foul nature, consider this carefully cherry-picked selection of words that begin with the letter M: Malicious. Mo-lestation. Malefactor. Masochism. Ma-lignant. Motherfucker. Moist. Clearly, we cannot allow this *lthy letter to per-vade and pervert our lives any longer. We must remove the block M from the Diag, posthaste. Current students must follow the example set by those brave souls who sacri*ced their lives to free us from its corruption in #$(%. If my com-pletely hypothetical theories are correct, we should be able to permanently oblit-erate it by sacri*cing forty-two virgins to it on the anniversary of its construc-tion. Brave women of Martha Cook, we will never forget your sacri*ce.

"e Gargoyle was founded in #$,$ by University of Michigan students Lee A. White and Abraham Van Helsing with the vision of bringing joy and laughter to the Michigan campus and eradicating Ann Arbor’s substantial vampire population. "e organization has yet to succeed at either of these tasks. Its o0ce in the Student Publications Building is home to many treasures, including two WWII bombshells, a shopping cart, and all that shit Ariel was whining about in

“"e Little Mermaid.”

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While I do acknowledge my opponent’s argument and would most certainly crush him with the utmost ease, I will ignore his point and discuss a com-pletely unrelated issue. With the recent opening of the new and improved Bert’s Café, students will be able to neglect their work in the 1234 with stunning ease. Not that students were really work-ing in the library before, but now there’s really no reason to do so at all. "is re-cent development has raised some very interesting questions about our school, though. "ere are deeper issues at hand than whether or not students are learn-ing and doing their work. "ere is some sinister plot afoot that has begun to con-sume the entirety of this University. It is with great courage and foresight that I present these issues to you. Someone needs to be asking the tough questions these days, and it might as well be me. So anyway, who the fuck is Bert?

On the surface it appears that Bert is a jolly, jovial older man who wished to give back to the University that he so dearly loves. But only a truly blind fool would believe such a public rela-tions cock-up. "e truth is, this school really doesn’t know who the fuck Bert is, nor does it care. President Coleman accepted his money without reserva-tion or condition. More likely than not, Bert tricked the University into signing a contract that would put his new café under Sharia law. Do we really want our library cafés named a)er radical Mus-lim extremist centenarians? He could be one, for all we know. "e mere fact that

Bert has been alive for #,, years should also give us pause. What kind of deals has this man made with the devil in order to ensure his continued survival? Could it possibly be that he exercised, didn’t smoke and was a little lucky? Of course not; don’t believe any of that New Age health bullshit. Bert was probably a terrorist in his youth. He may have even killed Franz Ferdinand and started WWI. He’s that old; we just don’t know.

More troubling than Bert’s true identity, though, is the general lack of concern for the names of our univer-sity’s buildings. A disturbing trend has emerged recently, one in which the administration shows little to no in-terest in vetting our named honorees. Consider the Gerald R. Ford Presiden-tial Library on North Campus. Could someone please explain to me why there is an entire building dedicated to the study of Gerald R. Ford? "e message this sends to me is that all I have to do to get a building named a)er me is not be elected to the vice-presidency or the presidency. Done. Where’s my building? It may be time to re-evaluate our criteria for political success.

"e string of questionably named buildings and monuments stretches far beyond Bert and Ford. A unanimous vote of the Board of Regents approved the new North Campus Ted Kaczynski Chemical Laboratory Annex, much to the chagrin of Unabomber fans every-where, who had hoped for a centrally located building. More recently, ground was broken on the new Richard Rodri-guez Practice Facility and Compliance O0ce. With every new announcement I am losing faith in this University’s abil-ity to choose e!ectively people to name buildings a)er. Where are the Angells these days? Where are the Tisches, and where are the LS&As? "ese are long established and respected families that we can be proud of naming our build-ings a)er. "ese families have given

their lives and fortunes to this school, only to see the University spurn them in favor of the Keanu Reeves Center for Method Acting.

In her most questionable decision to date, President Coleman recently an-nounced a new student lottery to de-termine what the next building will be called. All students are eligible to enter, but the name of only one will be drawn at random and a building will be dedi-cated in his or her honor. President Cole-man may believe that this is a great way of engaging the student body, but we’ll see how it looks once you have psych discussion in Steve Hall. What’s more, President Coleman is even renaming buildings a)er homeless people. "e In-stitute for Social Research was recently rebranded as the “How About a Lot of Change?” Institute for Social Research.

We’re on a slippery slope right now in terms of honoring those honorable few deserving to be honored. Once we go down this path toward total building name equality and strike down the hier-archy of those who deserve to give their name to a building we can never go back. In the near future buildings may no lon-ger even be named a)er people who do-nated a shitload of money. A scary time to envision, I know, but think about it for a moment. If large-scale donors no longer have buildings named a)er them, the University may start naming build-ings a)er those they believe deserve rec-ognition on their own merits. My God, how I tremble for our future.

"e Every !ree Weekly is the o0cial humor publication of the University of Michigan and has been recognized by the New York Times and Wall Street Journal, among others, as the *nest newspaper in the world.

The block M on the Diag poses serious dangers to student life, and it must be removed as soon as possible.

The University must update its policy regarding the names of buildings and landmarks, as it has become reckless and irrational.

Keep up the conversationby visiting our blog, All !ings Consider, at

CONSIDERONLINE.ORG

STAFFW!"#$%&'() M*#+," Zachary BerlinT$, B,"-!.%+/# Aaron Berkowitz, Lexie BerkowitzF%"#+ C$*%" C)*"%0,+ Tanya RogovykC*""!+-!0-*-S+%1- Debbie Sherman, Lauren Opatowski, Matt Friedrichs, Leslie Horwitz, Michael GuisingerE),2*+!" A++,03*0+ Daniel NeumannB*"' B)*#+," Simon BoehmeS1%##!" P)("*)%/*+%!0 T,*4 Elton Li, Roy BlankmanF*1+ P("5%05 D,&+. Olivia Aguilar, Pauline Knighton, Daniel Katz, Ian Fitzgerald, Amanda YerkeN%+ P%1-," Benjamin EnglishK*05*"!! H(#6*03"7 E8&,"+ Meirav GeblerJ(%1,6!8 D,)%2,"7 Rose Ja9e, Jill Brandwein, Laura Gillmore, Lauren KirbyP!+*+! S+*4& D,&+. Michael Brooks, John Chamberlin, Robert L. Houbeck, Jr., Greg Merritt, Carrie Landrum

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OUR PUBLICATIONConsider is a non-partisan, non-pro!t publication operated by students at the University of Michigan. Consider’s purpose is to encourage civil discourse on signi!cant issues of campus, national, and world interest.

VOLUME 24 ISSUE 18

THREE THINGS You Should Know About U-M

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Consider Magazine, the advisory board and our sponsors do not endorse the ideas and opinions presented by the writers. We do, however, support and encourage bringing di"erent ideas into our community and into civil discussions.

!e University of Michigan was founded in "#"$ in Detroit, and moved to Ann Arbor in "#%$. !e town’s founders, John Allen and Elisha Rumsey chose the name Ann Arbor in honor of their wives—Ann Allen and Mary Ann Rumsey—and to recognize the massive oak trees in the area that created a natural arbor.

Bertram Askwith, best known as Bert, attended the University of Michigan during the Great Depression at a time when most students could not a&ord the high railroad fare to go home to New York City. So, he rented a bus to shuttle the students home, which eventually turned into Campus Coach Lines.

As a student at the University of Michigan, President Gerald R. Fold played center for the varsity football team and was voted MVP in "'%(. He played with the Wolverines in two consecutive National Championship seasons in "'%) and "'%%. A*er his term as President of the United States, he donated all his congressional, vice-presidential, and presidential papers to the University of Michigan.

Information provided by the O!ce of Undergraduate Admissions.

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