Chapter 4 Interpersonal communication skills By Lec.Hadeel Qasaimeh

Chapter 4Interpersonal communication skills

By Lec.Hadeel Qasaimeh

Outline

1. How to build positive workplace relations

2. Conflict types

Positive workplace relations

People do not express themselves clearly

because:

• Relate to message structure

• Sending the most appreciate message for

the situation and relation.

Four specific qualities will improve workplace relations:

1. Clarity (verbal and nonverbal)

2. Respect (communicate mutual respect, show

feeling and care of the other)

3. Assertiveness (saying nothing, we must act

assertively)

4. Flexibility (cope with criticism)


• Use specific and tentative language .

• Give direct, honest and appropriate messages.

• Criticism can be handled by analyzing,

acknowledging , assertion or inquiry


Conflicts implies disagreement, discord, and

friction among members of a group.

interaction where words, emotions, and actions

"strike together" to produce disruptive effects.

Conflict types

• Poor performance of an employee is seldom the cause of conflict

• The five leading causes of conflicts are:

1.Misunderstanding

2.Disrespect

3.Egos

4.Impatience

5.Fear and insecurity

Conflict types

There are main types of conflict:

•Interpersonal Conflict

•Intrapersonal Conflict

•Intergroup Conflict.

Conflict types

Define interpersonal conflict types:

1. Pseudo conflicts

2. Fact conflicts

3. Ego conflicts

4. Value conflicts

5. Need conflicts

Conflict types

• Pseudo-Conflict (not real):- This type of

conflict happens when people have

misunderstandings with each other.

• Can result from two causes:

1. Faulty assumptions

2. False dilemmas

Conflict types

1. Faulty assumptions:

You and your partner agree to clean the office on Friday

afternoon, at that time you see your partner leave

the building, what's your reaction?

Conflict types

1. False dilemmas (see only two solutions of the

problems):

Your boss asked you to attend training course,

while you have full schedule of duties, what

to do?

Conflict types

• Fact Conflict:-

occur when individual disagree about

information that could be verified.

for example how many miles per gallon the

hybrid cars are getting ?

Conflict types

• Ego Conflict:-

results when we argue over who has the “right”

facts.

For example: I think that I know more than my

friends about basketball

Conflict types

• Value conflict:

Focus on personal beliefs that you hold

Conflict types

• Needs conflict:

Occur when needs of one individual are at the odds with

the needs of others.

- When I need a tool to end my job and you do so.

- When I need time to complete my report and you

need my help

Conflict types

Outline

1. Conflict styles

2. Conflict strategies

3. Relationship tools

4. Using skillful language

In general There is five styles people use in conflict situations:

1.Avoiders

2.Friendly helpers

3.Tough battlers

4.Compromisers

5.Problem solvers

Conflict styles

1. Avoiders:

- Some people simply hate difficult conversations and

will do anything to avoid facing the issue.

- They may lack the time, confidence, energy or skills

to engage in conflict.

- Leaving situation, changing the subject, disagree

without discussion.

Conflict styles

CONSTANT use of avoidance is not

recommended

Conflict styles

2. Friendly helpers:

– They “give in” to keep the peace

– This style is most appropriate when the

conflict is not that important

– In the other hand repeated accommodation

may result in resentment and failure

Conflict styles

3. Tough battlers:

– They expect to get their needs met regardless

of the costs

– They needs come first and sometimes with

no regard for the needs of others

Conflict styles

3. Tough battlers:

– They employ persuasion with emotional

appeals, forceful deliveries and persistence to

get their needs

– They are impatience with others who do not

see things their way

Conflict styles

4. compromisers:

– They give up to reach the solution

– They usually employ maneuvering,

negotiating and trading in an attempt to find a

solution.

Conflict styles

5. Problem solvers:

– They believe that both parties can and will

get their needs met

– If we understand eacho ther needs we will be

able to find a way to meet both parties needs

Conflict styles

5. Problem solvers:

– They share information about what they need

and listen to understand what the other needs

– Trust and openness make searching for

possible solutions a creative experience

Conflict styles

5. Problem solvers:

When individuals or a group set out to solve a problem, their chances for success increases if they follow problem-solving approach

Conflict styles

Conflict styles may be used

habitually or they may be a

conscious choice

Conflict styles

Regardless of the conflict style you select, there is some ground rules for conflict may enhance your success:1. agree upon a date and format to discuss the conflict

2.Rehearse what you will say and how you will respond

3.Confront the other (state the problem, describe, and identify)

Conflict strategies

4. Provide feedback (paraphrase the previous speaker before commenting)

5. Make specific request

6. Allow the other to respond

7. Continue the process of listening, paraphrasing and asserting

8. Acknowledge closure of the discussion (when agreement is achieved)

9. Arrange a follow up

Conflict strategies

Basic rules for “fair fighting”:

1. Select the right time (not mealtimes, bedtimes,….)

2. Try to maintain control of anger and strong feeling

3. Limit your fighting to one issue

4. Take turns clearly expressing your concerns and

listening to others response.

Conflict strategies

Remember that conflicts have at least two important factors,

the issue and the relationship

Conflict strategies

Problem solving approach:

1. Define the problem in term of needs(your needs are important to me)

2. Brainstorm possible solutions (I value your creative thinking)

3. Select the best solution that will met the both parties needs (I want you to have your needs satisfied)

Interpersonal relationship tools

Problem solving approach:

4.Plan who will do what, where, and when(you and I are willing to make joint decision)

5.Implement the plan(we have the power to change)

6.Evaluate the problem solving process and the solution (we can get better at problem solving)

Interpersonal relationship tools

There is two interpersonal basics skills:

1. Using Skillful language.

2. Using Assertion messages.

Skillful language is:

1. specific language

2. Tentative language

3. Informing language

Using skillful language

1. specific language:

– One of the most frequent causes of

misunderstanding is using general language

– To avoid these breakdowns keep in mind

the following suggestions:


specific language:

1. Do not assume that receivers should know what

you mean

2. Avoid the use of absolutes( always, never) “You

are always late” or “you were 20 min late for work

this morning”


3. State your message in the most concrete or

specific words possible(“I want you to help out

this afternoon” or “I need you to answer the

phone and take messages while I attend the 1:00

pm meeting”)

4. Encourage the receiver to paraphrase the

message


Example:

- The grass in my backyard needs to be cut today

- Never buy that brand of tool its really junk

- Your workstation is a mess

- There is a 30 percent chance of rain in the

forecast today


2. tentative language:

– Tentative language makes its clear to a

receiver that your opinions are just opinions

not facts and are, therefore subject to error.



– “you never listen to me when I talk to you”

– “you don’t seem interested in listening or

talking right now”

– You will be less likely to view your opinions as

facts



– Ms Mendoza is the best teacher in the word

– It appears to me that unemployment

contributes to increased crime rates


Imagine that you work at company with strong

union and you strongly believe in unions, your

friend work in non-unionized company feel just

the opposite and tells you:


-Companies if left a lone would take care of their

workers, union always cost their members money

and don’t really provide protection of their workers

-I believe that some companies really care bout their

workers, like where I work and that some unions

don’t necessarily guarantee worker protection


3. informing language:

– No one like to be ordered.

– We use order statements when we must do

something.

– Sometimes orders are necessary (but dose

not encourage feedback).



– Order statements command the receiver of the

message to behave in a specific way, they

remove any choice or decision making from

the receiver.

– Orders called “you” messages (direct,

command or control an action)



– However, we can give information instead

of orders, we give the same information

without creating defensiveness.



– Informing statements opens the door for

two- way communication, and encourages

similar sharing from the receiver


3. informing language (example):

– When you don’t close the walk-in cooler

door, the compressor overheats.

– You have to share the overtime with ronnie

and kim.


1. Behavior description statements.

2. Constructive feeling messages.

3. Consequence statements.

4. Impression checks.

5. Request statements.

Using Assertion messages

1. Behavior description statements:

How we interrupt other peoples behavior influence

our thoughts and feeling, if someone behavior

violates our personal rights, prevent us from

meeting our needs (respond with frustration

irritation or annoyance)



– Expressing our feeling (physically and

psychologically) is healthy.

– will be useful if we let the receiver know

what we reacting to?



– We can not change the others negative

behaviors but we can increase the chance of a

person changing his behavior if we describe

the behavior in specific, factual, non-

judgmental terms



– Saying “you’ve really been selfish lately”

(receiver don’t know why you say that and

his response will be defensiveness)



– Saying “you’ve borrowed my reference

manuals twice this week without asking me

if I needed to use them” (receiver will ask

your permission nest time)



– Your have clearly identified the behavior

– Also you avoid any evaluation of character,

motives or intentions (which reduce

defensiveness)



Behavior descriptions criteria:

– They should report only behaviors that we

can observe.

– They should exclude any evaluation or

judgment

– They should be specific and tentative



Also its very appreciate to express

POSITIVE behaviors



Behavior descriptions common problems:

- Use general statements

- Presenting inference about others attitudes,

feeling,….



- Judge the others using loaded words

- Using absolute terms

- Include more than one act in the description



Example:

- You never pay your fair share

- You gave me a dirty look for telling an

ethnic joke


2. Constructive feeling messages:

- We can lessen misunderstanding, reduce

stress, and avoid unnecessary conflicts if we

learn to voice our feelings constructively.

- Expressing our feeling dose mean sharing

our deepest inner emotions with everyone at

any time.



- More people fall into the category of

under expressing rather than over

expressing.(our goal to achieve

balance between these two extremes).



When to express our feeling??

- In ongoing relations(parents-child, husband-

wife, friend-friend)

- When we aim to help relationship not to

harm it

- When a conflict threaten the relation



When to express our feeling??

- When the expression of these feeling moves

to a deeper level of sharing



However knowing when to express your

feeling is not enough, its important to

know how to express.

There is two important elements (an “I”

message and identification of the feeling

you are experience)



Examples:

– When you use my car and then do not refill

the gas tank, I feel irritated

– I'm so pleased with the 7 extra hours

you’ve put in the blueprint



With repeated situation the constructive

feeling message become part of our

communication style


Common problems:

–Place “that” , “it”, “you” for “I”

–Place “think” for “feel”

–Rather than share “feel” share “don’t feel”

–Using future feeling statements


–Using “I feel like” or “I feel that”

–Using “I’m sorry” or “I'm afraid”

–Combining skillful feeling with unskillful

messages


Examples:

- I feel its time for us to take a break

-I'm really grateful you loaned me your car while

mine was being repaired (direct feeling)

-I feel that going on second shift if you don’t have

to is really stupid (seem as not real feeling)

-I feel like I'm on top of the world (using figurative

feeling, not clear)


When you begin to write and share your

feeling messages, try to become

comfortable saying, “I feel”, “I get”, “I am”

Then try to use single word that names the

feeling you are experiencing


1. Behavior description statements.

2. Constructive feeling messages.

3. Consequence statements.

4. Impression checks.

5. Request statements.


3. Consequence statement:

- our job performance, when reviewed, can be

source of reward or punishment.

- Our behavior in public places can win the

respect of family and friends or it can get us

arrested



- In general: consequence statements inform

others of the effect of their behaviors is

having on us.

- consequence statements can be tangible or

intangible.



Tangible statements:

– expressing the effect of other behaviors on our

time, money, work, possession, safety and

effectiveness of the job.

– Can be measured in terms of gain, saving or losses

– They show the effect of others directly.



Tangible statements:

- Because I have to pay money that I don’t

have

- Because I saved money and time when you

repaired my computer



Intangible statements:

- The feeling we enjoy or suffer from

- Hearing that someone loves you

- Can not be measured by clock or by your

productivity


Hearing that your son

wants a Mohawk hair

cut


Intangible statements:

- Because I feel really happy.

- Because I can not cope with things.



Both tangible or intangible effect can be positive

or negative, they can save, enhance, add, or

enrich, however they also can waste,

diminish or destroy .



Effective communication requires sharing

of positive and negative , tangible and

intangible .


4. Impression check:

Let’s suppose that someone has said or done

something which you don’t completely

understand. You have some idea of what the

sender might be feeling, wanting, needing,

or thinking, but you are not sure.



At this point you may ask him a question or you

may pretend you know what’s going on.

“Asking will clear things up”

Impression checks have to be used with a

curious, questioning tone that communicate

your interest and concern.



In short: impression check are responses to

someone’s verbal or nonverbal

communication which share an

impression of that person’s message in

open minded, non evaluation way and

which invite a response from the person



Clear impression check should do:

- State your impression of another person (their

wants, needs, feeling or going to do).

- Present your impression in open mind way

(“I may be wrong”, “It seems that” or “it look as”

)



Clear impression check should do:

- Express your impression in non-evaluating

way (this include your tone)

- Invite a response using short question or

rising inflection



- by your frown, I get the idea that

Wednesday will not be a good day for us to

meet, right?

- You’re late again, what the hell’s the matter

with you?


5. Request statements:

Request are polite statement that directly and

specifically ask someone to modify his

behavior in a way that gets your needs met

and that maintains the quality of the

relationship



- May seek permission of others for actions “I

would like to have off on Saturday 18th”

- May ask for help “can you help me understand this

diagram?”

- May ask for cooperation



Parts of request:

1. Should be direct

2. Must be specific

3. Allow freedom of response

4. Should be polite and courteous “use please”



- Please hand me that 7/16- inch

socket(specific, direct and polite)

- Thanks to your late arrival, we could not

start our course on time

- Would you kindly return the insurance

enrollment forms by Friday this week?


End of chapter 4

Any question?

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Chapter 4 Interpersonal communication skills By Lec.Hadeel Qasaimeh