Purim Spoof: None of the “news stories”on these pages are true, and all of thematerial is meant to be taken in the spiritof happiness and humorSpecial section begins on page 48

HAPPYPURIM!

BALTIMORE

JEWISH TIMES

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February 22, 201312 Adar 5773

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The holiday of Purim, which is celebrated on the 14th of the Hebrewmonth of Adar (this year, Sunday, Feb. 24), is one of the mostjoyous holidays on the Jewish calendar. It was instituted, accordingto Megillat Esther, by Mordechai to celebrate the deliverance of theJews from Haman’s plot to kill them.The tradition of Purim fun — many synagogues will put on shpiels,

plays that re-enact the Purim story, and poke fun at the villain Hamanand at life in general — is almost as old as the holiday itself.In modern times, many Jewish newspapers have joined the fun, pro-

viding “special” satirical and amusing Purim content. These next fewpages are our attempt. Of course, nnoonnee ooff tthhee ““nneewwss ssttoorriieess”” oonntthheessee ppaaggeess aarree ttrruuee,, aanndd aallll tthhee mmaatteerriiaall iiss mmeeaanntt ttoo bbee ttaakkeenn iinn tthheessppiirriitt ooff ffuunn iinn wwhhiicchh iitt iiss wwrriitttteenn..Happy Purim!

— Maayan Jaffe

HAPPY PURIM!

48 Baltimore Jewish Times February 22, 2013

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Under The City LineThe local chapter of Women in Red and Gold has announced its intention to build more Jewishhomes in areas outside of Pikesville, Park Heights, OwingsMills, Reisterstown andMt.Washington.Apartments will be rented and homes bought along the I-83 corridor, in downtown and in Guilfordand Roland Park.“Not living in all areas of Baltimore is effectively denying the Jewish people’s claim to our home-land. In looking at maps of ancient Jewish Baltimore,” said one representative of the group, “itappears Jews used to live outside of Pikesville. We call on all Jews to return to safeguard state andpublic lands for the Jewish people.”The spokeswoman said there is no reason for Jews to restrict themselves to living within five con-tiguous ZIP codes. She called on all Jews to take part in a mass rally and march from the Lloyd StreetSynagogue to Fells Point, which will take place the Sunday after Purim. A keynote address will bedelivered by Rabbi Jessy Gross. The “roaming rabbi” has not determined the exact location for thetalk — bar, coffee shop or city park.

— Maayan Jaffe

Not Entitled To Differing OpinionsApparently the JT is unaware that for centuriesJews have eaten their toast with the butter sidedown (“Sunny Side Up,” Your Say …, Jan. 4). Thefact that the JT would allow a reader to writeabout eating his bread butter side up, an opinionthat is in contrast to my own, makes me re-thinkmy subscription. For Heaven’s sake, the JT is thevoice of the Baltimore Jewish community, notthose within it who wish to destroy the way it’salways been done.

Setin MywaysBaltimore

We Are Really The BestYour recent article on That Synagogue (“CoolClergy,” Jan. 11) completely ignored Our Syna-gogue. Located right in Pikesville, Our Synagogueis Baltimore’s premier place of worship. We havemembers, too. There was no reason to overlookOur Synagogue in favor of That Synagogue. OurSynagogue had more than 30 percent of its mem-bers attend Rosh Hashanah services, and theprayers took place right in the sanctuary. I thinkit is time for all the JT employees to daven for over-looking Baltimore’s best house of prayer!

I.B. Sel-FishPikesville

I Want To Sell My ProductShoe lifts have a bad reputation, ridiculed by themasses, as if wanting to look taller or simply makethe most of your appearance was frowned upon.I don’t use shoe lifts myself, but I have alwaysdiscovered it extremely hypocritical that an image-enhancement method ought to be frowned uponby so many people. I assume that the individualsthat mock wearers of shoe lifts have combed theirhair or shined their shoes and maybe even ironedtheir clothes at least once in their lives. I might bewrong, but I seriously doubt it. Combing hair,shining shoes and ironing clothes are all tasks per-formed to increase a person’s physical attraction;certainly being taller can also be an appealing qual-ity that some may wish to attain. No, this does nothave anything to do with anything you wroteabout or anything going on in the world, but Iwant people to buy shoe lifts from me, and I don’twant to pay for an ad.

Chai HeelsOwings Mills

STAR-K PUBLISHESKASHRUS GUIDE

The Va’ad HaKashrus of Baltimore has published a newguide to keeping kosher in the city. The 1,400-page,23-volume work entitled, “The Easy Reference Guide toUnderstanding Kashrus in Baltimore,” is available for $613at Shabsi’s Judaica Center and Pern’s Hebrew Book & GiftShop; Shabsi’s is also carrying the 40-page addendum ofTalmudic sources, footnotes and lawsuits. However, neitherstore will carry the Baltimore Jewish Times.A Market Pantry version is available for half price at the

Pikesville Target.Representatives from Star-K said despite this new

comprehensive piece, they will continue to regularlyupdate the 7-Eleven slurpee list on their website and atarea convenience stores.

— Maayan Jaffe

Your Say … | News Briefs

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Just a couple of months ago, the JT told readersabout the impressive career of former JCC Execu-tive Director Louis “Buddy” Sapolsky in a coverstory, “Still Everybody’s Buddy.”

Well, it turns out that Sapolsky was pretty muchnobody’s buddy all along.

A recent analysis of Sapolsky’s Facebook page —widely accepted as the true barometer of one’ssocial stature — revealed that the 68-year-oldcould claim only nine Facebook friends. Further

investigation of his Facebook wall revealed only sixposts dating back to the beginning of 2012 (andthose were just superficial “happy birthdays”).

In an interview with the JT, a somber Sapolskyacknowledged his digital shortcomings anddeclared that, in light of the findings, he would nolonger go by “Buddy.”

“After a great deal of soul searching, it hasdawned on me that ‘Buddy’ is not an appropriatename for who I am,” Sapolsky said. “Until I am able

to stimulate some kind of activity on my Facebookaccount, I kindly ask that everyone refers to meas Louis.”

To put things in perspective, Facebook has morethan 1.06 billion users worldwide, meaning thatSapolsky is friends with just .00000008 percent ofthe Facebook community.

Sapolsky’s astonishing lack of popularity hasFacebook brass questioning how someone coulduse the website for such a long period of time but

Nobody’sBuddy

Former JCC executive directorfaces painful reality

By David Snyder

SARAH PALIN IS OUT. Sen. Ben Cardin is in atFox News.

at’s the word coming out of Rupert Murdoch’s“fair and balanced” network following PresidentBarack Obama’s State of the Union address last week.

Following an election night where Fox admits itwas caught completely off guard at the pulse of thecountry, the network decided to mix things up.The network decided not to re-sign Palin, the for-mer Alaska governor and vice presidential candi-date, and political analyst Dick Morris, but insteadreached out to Cardin, a Maryland Democrat.Cardin accepted the offer to be a regular unpaidcontributor to Fox News’ popular programs such

as “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Hannity.”“We really, really thought Mitt Romney was

going to win the White House and the GOPwould control both houses of Congress after theelection,” a Fox News official said on condition ofanonymity. “Man, were we wrong. Ben Cardin hasnever lost an election, and we need a winner on ourroster.”

For his part, Cardin said he is excited about theopportunity to work with Fox News. e veteranlegislator mulled over the opportunity for weeks, butdecided to move forward when it was brought to hisattention that no one watches MSNBC, the liberalalternative to Fox.

CARDIN JOINS FOX NEWSMaryland Democrat to provide liberal voice for conservative network

By Ron Snyder

After reports surfaced of hisanemic Facebook account,Louis Sapolsky said he just

couldn’t continue on as “Buddy.”

Local News |

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still yield so few relationships.“I’ve been at this for a while, and I’ve never seen

a Facebook account so remarkably barren,” a high-ranking Facebook representative said. “We atFacebook pride ourselves on sparking relationships

between individuals across the world. e sad caseof Mr. Sapolsky has forced us to re-examine our cor-porate strategies and design new ways for even themost introverted users to flourish.”

After stepping down from the JCC in Decem-ber, Sapolsky said he’s going invest the majority ofhis free time on enlarging his Facebook footprint.He plans to set aside hours each day to friend thousandsof users, whether he knows them or not.

“It’s time to break free from the cocoon andspread my wings,” an encouraged Sapolsky said.“And until I do, call me Louis.” JT

“It will be nice to have my message heard for achange,” Cardin said. “Sean Hannity and I don’tagree on much, but we met for a ‘beer summit’ andI discovered he’s not a bad guy. Plus, they gave [for-mer Arkansas Gov.] Mike Huckabee a show. Really?Who’s he? Why can’t that be me when I decideto retire from the Senate?”

But sources say the clincher for Cardin was thetreatment he received in a hostile interview late lastyear with CNBC anchor Maria Bartiromo. In adiscussion of “fiscal cliff ” negotiations, Bartiromoasked Cardin, “Are you guys incompetent or what?”at’s not the type of treatment Democrats usuallyexpect to receive from the same family of networksthat employ Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz and ChrisMatthews.

“That’s not supposed to happen to a Democraton an NBC network,” a Cardin aide said. “We’llshow them who’s incompetent.” JT

Ron Snyder is a JT staff reporter — rsnyder@jewishtimes.com

David Snyder is a JT staff reporter — dsnyder@jewishtimes.com

Anyone who has ever met PaulLurie knows that the 31-year-oldReisterstown native is completelyenthralled with the JCC MaccabiGames.

No one ever thought he wouldtake that passion quite this far.

The JCC Association of NewYork City announced this weekthat the Baltimore delegation willbe forced to forfeit several medalsafter an investigation uncoveredthat Lurie, Baltimore’s Maccabi ex-perience director for the past nineyears, actually played on the teamshe was instructed to oversee.

“The Maccabi Games have al-ways been an awesome way toconnect teens with their Jewishpeers in a competitive, yet sociable,environment,” said one JewishCommunity Center Association ex-ecutive on condition of anonymity.“Apparently, some people havetrouble letting that experience go.”

A former Maccabi player andcoach, Lurie laments that hecould not find an appropriate wayin which to quell his unyielding love for the Games.

“For close to a decade I lived vicariously through hundreds of Maccabi athletes,” Lurie said.“It came to the point where even that just wasn’t enough.”

Registering under the phony name Saul Curry, Lurie used a thick pair of glasses and a mockset of braces to appear younger during tryouts. He also went weeks without washing his faceto give the impression that he was dealing with a mild episode of teenage acne.

Still, top Maccabi officials are perplexed as to how a full-grown man standing 6 feet 4 witha daily 5 o’clock shadow was able to fool coaches into thinking he was a teen. They beganinvestigating Lurie after a game in which he tallied 45 rebounds and 27 blocked shots — bothall-time Maccabi records.

“I admit I thought it was odd when I saw Lurie walking out of Maryland Live Casino,” saidMaccabi coach Joe Smurfling. “But he was such a dominant player on the court that I optednot to ask myself the tough questions such as, ‘Didn’t I play against this guy when I was inhigh school?’”

In a news release, the JCC announced that, in spite of his transgressions, Lurie will besuspended — not fired. In order to regain his job, Lurie is required to complete self-identitytraining with Jewish Community Services.

“I want to return and be a part of the Maccabi experience again,” Lurie said. “But unlesssomeone builds a time machine (wink, wink), my playing days are certainly over.” JT

David Snyder is a JT staff reporter — dsnyder@jewishtimes.com

Bogus ExperienceJCC staffer fakes way onto Maccabi rosterBy David SnyderPhoto by Justin Tsucalas

It’s images like thisthat propelled Maccabiofficials to discover thatstandout player SaulCurry was actually JCCMaccabi ExperienceDirector Paul Lurie.

“I’ve been at this a longtime, and I’ve never seena Facebook account soremarkably barren.”

— High-ranking Facebook representativeon Sapolsky’s lack of Facebook iends

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BALTIMORE OFFICIALLY has topped the charts ashome to the world’s largest bagel. No, it is not in “TheGuinness Book of World Records.” The feat has beenauthenticated by a more reliable source, “The GevaltBook of World Records.” Gevalt officials hold fast to theJewish standard: “opinion above knowledge.”Goldberg’s New York Bagels closed for two weeks.

They “kneaded” more than aminyan; a team of 20 mixed1,000 pounds of dough. Leftover sukkah tarps wereused to cover the dough for the second rise. A custom-made boiler and oven were installed on the fields at FortMcHenry. A rabbi with Hollywood connections broughthis friend, Harrison Ford, to help officiate and supervisethe cooking. This riled the Orthodox community, whichpointed out that since Ford is only half-Jewish, only halfof the bagel would be kosher. Which half? That questionkept students from the Talmudical Academy busyfor hours.While the bagel baked in the ginormous oven created

for the occasion, the famous left-handed deli lox-slicerguy at Edmart spent his time slicing 500 pounds of Novalox for 180 hours. The cream cheese had to be gatheredfrom every Baltimore deli and supermarket, and localcows had to be enlisted. It was said that Ford put on hisfamous Indiana Jones hat and went on horseback tocheck the dairy farms. This could not be confirmed,as no paparazzi were present in the rural areas. Mostphotographers were readying for the big event, when thebagel would be hoisted by crane onto the top deck ofthe USS Constellation and floated into the main stagingarea at Harborplace.I-83 North and I-695 to Reisterstown Road were

closed for 24 hours, while the cream cheese was trans-ported on a float accompanied by cheering studentsfrom Bais Yaakov School For Girls. (They were notdressed as cheerleaders, merely cheering. And theycheered in unison so as not to transcend the prohibitionagainst kol isha.) They traveled on rollerblades designed

by engineering students from Johns Hopkins Universityand members of Hillel. Talmudical Academy studentsfinally declared that the top half of the bagel was kosher.Danken Gott!When the big bagel arrived at Harborplace, it was

greeted by 50,000 hungry Baltimore Jews. For an accu-rate weight, a truck scale was donated by the BaltimoreRavens. The bagel weighed 870 pounds. The authenti-cators toasted with kosher Herzog wine and yelled, “OyGevalt!” Thus, the bagel officially passed into “The GevaltBook of World Records.” Oars from the Constellationwere used to schmear the schmear.If you want to make your own supersize bagel, see the

recipe above. You’re on your own for the constructionequipment. JT

Ilene Spector is a local freelance writer.

BALTIMORE’SBIGGEST BAGELBy Ilene Spector

For A Supersize BagelINGREDIENTS1,080 lbs. dough675 lbs. flour900 gallons water53 lbs. malt

DIRECTIONS

Get a minyan to help you mix dough andknead. Let rise for six hours; punch down,form into bagel shape, and let rise underdamp cloth (or Sukkah-size tent cloths) fortwo more hours. Boil in tank. Lift and drain.Bake at 300 degrees for just over 10 hours.

HEALTH+NUTRITIONRECIPES

52 Baltimore Jewish Times February 22, 2013

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When they married in 2003, Jeff and LauraMeshugenstein told theBaltimore Jewish Times

they had found their soul mates. Ten years later, in afollow-up interview, the Meshugensteins, now in theprocess of a bitter divorce, are singing a different tune.“Jeff makes my skin crawl,” said Laura Meshugenstein,

who plans to change her name back to Kvetchbaum afterthe divorce is finalized. As she sipped a venti skinnyFrappachino at Starbucks at Festival of Woodholme ona recent afternoon, Laura Meshugenstein called hersoon-to-be ex “a pathetic loser.”“I can’t stand the sight of him,” she said.Reached yesterday at his workplace, Big Macher

Inc., Jeff Meshugenstein, a 43-year-old Pikesvillenative and Pikesville High School graduate, said hismarriage to Laura was the biggest mistake of his life.“My mother warned me that she would give me

nothing but tsuris. And every day since our weddinghas been a living nightmare,” he said.The couple met in 1992 aboard the JewsCruise, a

sunset boat ride at the Inner Harbor arranged by TheAmalgamated: Jewish Community Sorority of Yentas.After a great deal of haranguing from her grandpar-

ents, Laura Kvetchbaum agreed to try an eveningaboard; friends jokingly called the boat the “ShtupBoat.” At 30 and still smarting from being left at the

altar by preschool boyfriend Jeremy Feinspecimen,Kvetchbaum was cautiously optimistic.Jeff Meshugenstein was also aboard the Jews

Cruise that night. Although he had arrived with a date,Meshugenstein had grown tired of her early in theevening and discreetly pushed her overboard. Aftera few drinks, he decided to find a new date for theremainder of the ride. The rest is history — or misery.Laura Meshugenstein said the couple remained

married for 10 years because they didn’t want totraumatize their three pet rabbits, Sarah, Leah and

Rebecca. “Now that the last of the rabbits haspassed away (see obituaries on page 33) we can goour separate ways.”Divorce proceedings will be handled by Laura

Meshugenstein’s attorneys, Matzaberg, Schmutzieand Schlemiel, and Jeff Meshugenstein’s attorneys,Schnorrer, Bulschitzer and Whiner.A May divorce is planned. JT

PISHER — Sam and Elana(nee Plotzing) PISHER arethrilled to announce the pottytraining of their 4-year-olddaughter, Mayim. Mayim wasfully trained on Feb. 18, 2013while under the care of herbubbie, Fanny Plotzing, whodecided “enough was enough.”Now that she is potty trained,Mayim will enroll in thePacifier-Reduction School ofBaltimore.

Simone Ellin is JT senior features reportersellin@jewishtimes.com

MESHUGENSTEINSPARTWAYSBy Simone Ellin

Beshert

Potty Training Out & About

Kin Reconnected: All it took was one visit to “The Maury Povich Show” toconfirm what we suspected all along. Dr. Art Abramson, you are the father! ADNA test conducted by the team at “Maury” revealed that Abramson, executivedirector of the Baltimore Jewish Council, indeed fathered Baltimore Jewish Timesstaff photographer David Stuck. Whether it’s the clever smile, the need forbifocals or the crisply parted hair, both Abramson and Stuck acknowledgethere is no denying the resemblance. “It’s so awesome to finally identify myfather and see what a great service he has provided and continues to providefor the Baltimore Jewish community,” Stuck said. “We’ve done several photoshoots together, and each time I felt like I was taking pictures of myself. Turnsout, I kind of was.”

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JustinTsucalas

File

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