A marriage compromised by a cheating spouse

How to Forgive a Cheating Spousesavemymarriagewithlove.com /forgive-cheating-spouse/

February 3, 2015By Suzanne Ferguson

The Good News about a Cheating SpouseIn December of 2014, The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy said 22% of married men cheat at leastonce during their married life. The good news is that infidelity is not the leading cause for divorce. In fact,31% of marriages last after the affair has been discovered.

Good news or not, when it happens to you it is devastating.

Brianne, a client and the victim of a cheating spouse said this in a coaching session. “I never ever thoughtit would happen to me. When I first found out I was shocked and couldn’t believe it. Pretty soon though, Iknew it was true and I was a wreck. I didn’t stop crying for weeks. And then overtime the deep sadnessturned into rage! I wanted a divorce and I imagined every way possible to visit on him the pain I felt. Butnow, I want to save the marriage. Only, I feel still hurt and I don’t know how to get past it.”

If you’re experiencing what Brianne went through, know that you’re not alone and your pain will stop overtime.

My answer to Brianne’s question of how to save the marriage and get past the pain of a cheating spouse,is forgiveness. But before forgiveness can be achieved I said to her, “You need to grieve”.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first presented five stages of grief in 1969, in her book Death and Dying. There arenow seven commonly accepted stages of grief.

The Importance of Grieving a Cheating Spouse

The discovery of a cheating spouse can be compared to the death of a spouse. It’s like a death because inthe moment of discovery you lose the hopes and the dreams that you once had for your marriage. Grief isthe natural response to that loss.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You might go through the seven stages as listed below,

experiencing each one for days, weeks or months before moving on to the next. Or you might experienceall in one day only to go through them again in the next.

The importance of grief is that you allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. When you’re experiencingchallenge, the only way to get past it is to go completely through the challenge. The stages of grief will leadyou through the feelings of loss.

Grief and a Cheating Spouse

1. Shock and Denial

The shock of discovering that your cheating spouse has been intimate with another is a bitter pill toswallow. So bitter in fact that you might go through a period where you deny that it can be true. You feelconfused, distracted and find it hard to get a grip on reality. It can feel like an out of body experience.

2. Sadness

The truth sinks in and a deep sadness settles upon you. Crying about a cheating spouse is common atthis stage as well as sighing in an attempt to calm the feelings of hurt and betrayal.

3. Anger

Anger comes next and with it the indignation of a woman scorned. Your suffering is so great that you willdo anything to release it. You plot your revenge against that cheating spouse. You blame him, her, hisparents, his friends, attempting to stop the pain you feel.

4. Bargaining

As your anger dissipates, feelings of shame and guilt begin to creep in. You look for ways to bargain in anattempt to reclaim what you’ve lost. You ask, “What will it take to get my life back on even ground?” Youmight claim, “I’m willing to do anything”.

5. Loneliness

As you look for ways to regain your former self and your former life, you realize she’s gone…it’s gone. Youalso realize that you will never again not know what it feels like to have a cheating spouse. You’ve losthope. Feeling alone and abandoned you sink lower and lower into the darkness.

6. Depression

You ask, why me? You think, it must be my fault. You wonder what you did to deserve it. You blameyourself for the infidelity. Maybe you weren’t a good enough wife, lover, partner or friend. Feeling morealone than ever, you fear you might not survive the pain.

7. Acceptance

And then one day you wake up feeling a small, small glimmer of hope. And you hold onto that hope andbegin to accept what has happened. You see it for what it is, you see your part, you see his part and youknow you’re going to be ok.

Forgiveness and a Cheating Spouse

What does it mean to forgive?

First of all, if you think forgiveness is for the cheating spouse, think again. Forgiveness is always for the

forgiver. Each time you replay what happened, you will feel the same pain as you did when you first learnedof his infidelity. You see, your mind doesn’t know the difference between now and then. If you continue tofocus on the past hurt, you will be the one hurting you.

Forgiveness is an individual act which accepts what is and releases what has been.

A few facts about Forgiveness:

When you have resentment you need to forgive the person you resent.

When you have regret, you need to forgive yourself.

Forgiveness isn’t dependent on the other person’s participation.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to condone the infidelity.

Forgiveness doesn’t obligate you to stay in a relationship which puts you in harm’s way. You mightforgive and choose not to be in the relationship.

Forgiveness is a gradual process.

When you allow yourself to grieve your loss, forgiveness is right around the corner.

Are you ready to save the marriage from the effects of a cheating spouse?

Choose forgiveness. And do it for you.

Are you recovering from infidelity? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this article.

Warm regards,

Suzanne, The Happy Marriage Coach

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