How to Make Friends Book

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How to Make Friends

A Guide for Meeting People and Making New Friends


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Contents

A Guide for Meeting People and Making New Friends ................................................ 1Introduction ..................................................................................................................... 4

Why is Making Friends so Important? .......................................................................... 4Chapter 1 ........................................................................................................................ 6

Liking Yourself First ..................................................................................................... 6Having Something to Offer ....................................................................................... 8

Chapter 2 ...................................................................................................................... 10How to Face your Fears ............................................................................................ 10

Overcoming Anxiety and Shyness ......................................................................... 10Take it One Step at a Time .................................................................................... 11Practice Facing your Fears .................................................................................... 11Learning How to Cope in the Moment .................................................................... 12Letting Go of Safety Behaviors............................................................................... 13Reward Yourself..................................................................................................... 13Tips for Overcoming Shyness to Make New Friends ............................................. 14

Chapter 3 ...................................................................................................................... 16Making First Contact-The Hidden Art of Body Language ........................................... 16

What Exactly is Body Language?........................................................................... 16How We Use Body Language ................................................................................ 17

Chapter 4 ...................................................................................................................... 20Places to Meet New People ....................................................................................... 20

Through People you Already Know ........................................................................ 20Meeting People at Work ......................................................................................... 21Clubs and Organizations ........................................................................................ 21Sports and Sporting Events ................................................................................... 21Take a Class .......................................................................................................... 21Where you Live ...................................................................................................... 22Public Places.......................................................................................................... 22

Family .................................................................................................................... 23

Chapter 5 ...................................................................................................................... 25Breaking the Ice ......................................................................................................... 25

How to Get the Conversation Going ....................................................................... 25Acceptable Topics for Small Talk ........................................................................... 27


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Chapter 6 ...................................................................................................................... 28Making Plans with Others .......................................................................................... 28

Staying Flexible ...................................................................................................... 29Staying in the Technology Loop ............................................................................. 29Laying the Groundwork for Future Plans ................................................................ 29

Chapter 7 ...................................................................................................................... 31Maintaining Friendships ............................................................................................. 31

Be Persistent and Keep at It .................................................................................. 33


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Introduction

Why is Making Friends so Important?

No matter what stage of life you might happen to be in, making friends is important.

Many people are able to make friends easily as children, but the ability to do so often

begins to wane as we become older and inevitably busier. For other people, the ability

to form friendships is one they may struggle with throughout their lives. Even so,

friendships can form an important part of many aspects of our lives and it is imperative

that we find time to cultivate friendships.

One of the problems that we often encounter as adults is the ability to simply find time to

make friends with others. When we are children it is easy to devote much of our time tomeeting others. Once we are adults, pressing schedules, the responsibilities of children,

spouses, aging parents and even pets can demand much of our time. As a result,

making and maintaining friendships is often not at the top of our priority lists.

Consequently, many people discover that once they have left college there is a lack of

friends. Besides contributing to a distinct sense of loneliness, having a lack of friends

can also leave a significant void in your life. Friends can act as companions while also

offering us understanding. In many ways, friends can provide a sense of understanding

in a way that family and even your spouse is not able to express.

Friendships are also important for combating the isolation we may experience as we

become older and even begin the transition into different phases of our lives. You may

not realize it, but having friends can even increase your longevity. Studies have found

that senior adults with friends do actually live longer than people who do not have any

social ties.

So, why isnt one friend enough? Why do you need more than one friend?

Certainly it is important to work at making and maintaining close friendships, but it is

also important to keep in mind that you cannot expect just one friend to meet each of

your needs. This is why it is important to have a host of different friends. Over the


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course of naturally meeting other people, you will discover that each person appeals to

you on an entirely different level.

Suppose you happen to share a hobby with one particular friend and you really enjoy

discussing that particular interest or hobby with that friend. This is something your other

friends might not understand. Along the same lines, suppose you make a friend at work

and you discuss matters that pertain to your field with that friend. You are able to

connect with that person because they understand the circumstances related to your

industry. You might have another friend that has children the same age as your own.

The point is to have a variety of friends but not all of your friends must be your closet

friends. Different friends absolutely can fill different needs.

Friends can provide you with a different perspective on life as well as the opportunity to

cultivate different ideas and share different experiences you might never have thought

possible otherwise. Keep in mind that not one single size fits all. Some friends will

naturally be closer to you than others and you will likely see some friends more than

others; but regardless, all friendships are valuable.


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Chapter 1

Liking Yourself First

Many people often have questions regarding the first step of forming friendships. We

live in a society that is focused on instant gratification and results. While this works well

for fast food at the drive-through, if you are serious about forming friendships and

meeting other people, you need to first look inside yourself. As clich as it might sound,

it is important to first make sure you like yourself before you attempt to make anyone

else like you.

People naturally have a need for being liked and feeling affection. As a result, it can be

extremely easy to make a wrong turn and go about the process of meeting others andmaking friends the wrong way. This is why it is crucial to first focus on liking yourself

instead of trying to get others to like you.

One of the most important reasons for this is that when you like yourself it actually gives

you strength and power. If you start out trying to get others to like you there is a good

chance that you are going to appear desperate and needy. When you are trying to meet

other people, this can be a bad position in which to find yourself. It is only when you like

and respect yourself that others will as well.

The simple fact of the matter is that people have a natural tendency to like people who

are confident and like themselves first. Stop and consider for a moment what is most

appealing or attractive to a prospective employer, partner or friend? In most cases it is a

matter of liking people who likes themselves. An individual who likes themselves and is

confident, positive, cares for their health and takes advantage of opportunities in life is

naturally going to be more appealing and interesting to others than someone who

appears clingy and needy.

Receiving compliments and knowing you are liked by others is always a wonderful

feeling. The problem arises; however, when you begin to rely too heavily on receiving

validation from others. This allows others to control how you feel. This is precisely why it


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is important to stop focusing on the need for that type of input and replace that with

liking and validating yourself instead.

It should also be kept in mind that when you like yourself, it will naturally be easier to

just be yourself. This is when the real you can shine through. When you act in

opposition to your true self in an attempt to get others to like you, this can lead to a

distinct lack of honesty and jeopardize an honest friendship. Any friendship you make

from that point on will be like walking on eggshells the rest of your life.

With all of that said; the benefits of liking yourself become clearly obvious. Even so, how

exactly do you go about the process of actually changing the way you feel about

yourself? This can be more difficult for some people than others. If you have been

subjected to negativity for a good portion of your life and/or if you suffer from low self-

esteem it can be difficult, but it is not impossible.

One of the most important things you can do to begin immediately liking yourself more

is to stop taking yourself for granted and stop focusing on the wrong things. Simply put,

you need to appreciate yourself more. Your actions, or lack of actions, can have a

tremendous impact on the way in which you view yourself as well as how much you

actually like yourself. What you focus your mind upon can also be extremely important.For example, when you focus on past failures you are naturally going to feel bad about

yourself. Therefore, it is important to form a habit of instead focusing on the positive

things in your life and appreciating all of your positive qualities.

Stop and take a couple of minutes to focus on all of the good things about you. think

about the things you have accomplished or things you have done. Try writing down five

wonderful things about yourself.

1.________________________________________________

2. ________________________________________________

3. ________________________________________________


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4. ________________________________________________

5. ________________________________________________

This is a relatively simple exercise, but it can play an important role in extending yourfocus. Remember, those around you will largely see you and treat you the way you treat

and see yourself.

You might be surprised to find that once you begin practicing this exercise, the more

things you will think of and you will be able to easily extend that list. This is the first step

in changing the way you see yourself and how you think about yourself.

Having Something to Offer

While it is important to like yourself first and foremost, it is also important to make sure

you have something to offer others. Some people inherently make the mistake of

believing they have nothing to offer prospective friends. They simply cannot imagine the

concept of walking up to someone they feel to be superior to them and introducing

themselves.

Sadly, many people feel they must be good-looking, wealthy and incredibly intelligent in

order to make friends. In order to make friends and keep them you need to improve

your understanding of yourself and your own true identity. This can give you the

confidence you need to get out of your shell and actually engage others that you might

once have considered to be intimidating. In order to have successful friendships and

relationships with others, it is oftentimes necessary to change the way you think about

yourself.

This is why you need to believe you have something to offer others. Of course, this

does not mean your professional skill set or bank account. What it does mean is being a

good friend to other people. Regarding of what the balance in your bank account might

be or how many degrees you may have, the one thing we all can offer someone is the

ability to be a good friend. You can listen to another person and encourage them. This


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does take effort and time on your part, but it is something you can offer others at any

stage of your life.

The importance of showing a genuine interest in others cannot be stressed enough. It is

only natural for most of us to want to talk about ourselves. It is just human nature. To

form friendships; however, we need to move past that and make a concentrated effort to

get other people talking about themselves and their lives rather than your own. You

might be surprised to discover how powerful this can be and how easy it can be to make

new friends using this one technique.

Avoid the tendency to discriminate and only seek out friendships with individuals with

whom you believe you can benefit from. A well-rounded person should have friends of

all ages who are both older and younger and perhaps even in between. Your list of

friends may eventually grow to include those who are wealthy and even those who are

just beginning their professional lives. Regardless of what you eventually give to those

friendships, you will usually find that you receive far more back in return.


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Chapter 2

How to Face your Fears

The fear of rejection is one of the most commonly cited reasons for not seeking out

friendships with others. Many of us can easily become paralyzed by the fear of being

rejected by another person. This fear is innate in many of us. Unfortunately, it can

prevent us from taking the necessary step of branching out socially and forming

relationships and friendships with other people that can prove to be among the greatest

gifts in our lives.

Overcoming Anxiety and Shyness

If the world was perfect, we would all be naturally outgoing and experience no problems

in making friends. Of course, as we know, we do not live in a perfect world and some of

us experience more difficulty in meeting people and forming friendships than others.

Much of this is due to anxiety and shyness. When fear produces enough anxiety it can

sometimes be more than we are able to push through on our own. In other cases, even

when we are able to get past our nerves on a few occasions, it is not something we are

able to do on a consistent basis. This type of fear and anxiety can prevent us from

getting out there, meeting people and forming friendships that can transform our lives.

The key is to learn how to overcome that anxiety and shyness and do so on a regular

basis.

In many ways, overcoming anxiety and shyness is much like getting in shape. If you are

out of shape you cannot expect that one trip to the gym is going to get you physically fit.

You will have to work your way up to it. You will have to do it gradually. The same is

also true of overcoming anxiety and shyness.


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Take it One Step at a Time

Gradually tackling your fears and taking it one step at a time will allow you to work your

way through the shyness and even anxiety you may feel at the idea of going out and

meeting new people. Below are some ideas and examples of how you can graduallywork your way through the process, one step at a time:

Go to a social event or party and while there, smile and nod at other people

Go to a social event or party and ask a few people a short question

Go to a social event or party and make a point of introducing yourself to just one

person who seems approachable and friendly

Go to a social event or party and make a point of joining a group of people who

seem approachable and friendly

Go to a social event or party and join a group of people and talk to them more at

length

Go to a social event or party and make a point of talking to someone who is

slightly more intimidating, but who is someone you would like to know better

As you may notice, the above examples are based on beginning with steps that seem

the least frightening or intimidating and then gradually moving forward until you are

accustomed to the idea while at the same time gaining momentum and building your

confidence to continue.

Practice Facing your Fears

As is the case with mastering any new skill, it is imperative that you take the time to

practice facing your fears about meeting new people and do so frequently. The

examples provided above are an excellent way to begin getting past those fears, but


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there are also many others ways you can practice facing your anxiety and shyness as

well. For instance:

Try talking to someone who seems approachable first rather than attempting to

start up a conversation with someone you find intimidating

Approaching someone and making initial contact but then cutting off the contact

early. For example, ask someone a quick question and then excusing yourself as

opposed to remaining in the situation

Practicing your fear in a setting that is controlled. For example, attending an

event where you may be somewhat acquainted with the individuals but do notknow them very well. This is a good way to get to know people better without

extending too far beyond your level of comfort.

Practicing overcoming your anxiety in social settings so you are able to meet new

people is imperative. Many people find it helpful to commit to some type of schedule.

While you may not be able to attend a social even or party every night of the week, you

might be able to commit yourself to going to the mall or some other public place and

making friendly small talk with at least three people you do not know per day.

The more frequently you are able to work on exposing yourself to your fear and anxiety

the better. This will help to keep the momentum going and help you to continue gaining

in courage.

Learning How to Cope in the Moment

One of the problems that many people face is that they may be able to gather the

courage to approach someone but then find themselves overwhelmed by anxiety while

they are in the moment. It is completely natural to be able to arrive in a situation but

then find yourself hesitating. The key is in learning how to relax. One way to do this is

to practice deep breathing techniques. These types of breathing exercises can be very


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soothing and help you to overcome your nerves when you are in a situation that you

may find overwhelming.

You might also find it helpful to use coping statements. For instance, you may say to

yourself there is nothing to be frightened of or nervous about. You could also remind

yourself that you are able to manage the situation. Another option would be to challenge

some of your concerns that may be more unrealistic. For instance, you could say to

yourself Everyone here is just like me. No one is going to laugh at me. No one is going

to ridicule me for wanting to join in on their conversation.

Letting Go of Safety Behaviors

While you may not even realize you do it, if you find yourself hesitating to approach new

people and taking the final step of making new friends, there is a good chance you may

practice what are known as safety behaviors. A safety behavior is any type of action

that is used to shield oneself from the potential consequences of a worry or fear. This

type of behavior can always be used as a crutch to fall back on but can get in the way of

your overcoming your anxiety because you always have the reasoning in the back of

your mind that you are not able to handle that type of situation without a backup plan or

precaution.

Safety behaviors can be useful for helping in the beginning as you are working to

overcoming your anxiety in social situations but it is also important to work on making

advances in facing your fears by letting go of your safety behaviors. One way to do this

is by rewarding yourself

Reward Yourself

Keep in mind that it can take time to work your way through facing your fears and

anxieties in a gradual manner. Each time you are able to accomplish something you

were not able to do before, such as approaching someone and striking up a


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conversation, it is important to reward yourself. Whatever you do does not have to be

anything big, but should be something that will help you to feel good about your

accomplishment.

Rewards are a great way to motivate yourself to continue. Your reward could be

something specific you enjoy doing. For instance, you might make a commitment that

you will not play a round of golf until you have met your goal for that day. Personalize it

to something you enjoy and that is meaningful to you. This approach can be particularly

effective when you choose the right reward because you will want to gain that reward so

you will feel more motivated to make the effort to get out and meet new people.

Tips for Overcoming Shyness to Make New Friends

Friendships are beneficial for reducing loneliness and depression while also enriching

your life and even improving your health. Although people who are naturally sociable

and outgoing often find it easy to form friendships, people who are shy frequently

experience more difficulty in meeting people and making new friends. This is why it is

important to make the effort to create more experiences to actually meet new people.

This means overcoming your shyness. Below are some tips that can help you to

overcome that shyness and get out and make new friends.

As previously mentioned; the first step is to get out and learn to start talking to people.

Begin by talking to your neighbors, people you meet at the supermarket, people you

encounter at the checkout, etc. This is excellent practice. The more you talk to people

the more comfortable you will feel about doing so.

Practice starting conversations. A good opener might be talking about the weather. As

clich as might sound, this technique works amazingly well. Regardless of the

conversation starter you use, you will likely find that the more practice you obtain, the

easier will become to talk to people.


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Get out and start working out. This is actually another great way to meet new people.

Swimmers, cyclists and joggers frequently meet other people who have the same goals

and interests while biking along a trail, jogging around the park or making a few laps

around the pool.

Doing community work or volunteering can not only help you to overcome your shyness

but also help to enhance your social network as well. Nursing homes, churches,

hospitals, womens shelters, schools and community centers are frequently in need of

community workers and volunteers. When volunteering you will be more likely to form

strong connections with others as a result of your shared interest.

Taking up a hobby is another way to get past your shyness and meet other people who

have the same interests. No matter how shy you might happen to be, there is a good

chance you can find at least one or two groups that will spark your interest. Start by

looking in the local newspaper or checking with your community center to locate where

other people with interests in cooking, gardening, cars, books, photography, music or

art spend time.

Remember, shyness should not prevent you from meeting people and making newfriends. No matter how shy you might be, you can form friendships by simply learning

and practicing how to talk to people.


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Chapter 3

Making First Contact-The Hidden Art of Body Language

Body language is one of the most powerful ways in which humans communicate and

express themselves. While you might not even realize it, body language can actually

comprise at least 50% of the way in which we communicate with others. In order to

communicate most effectively, it is imperative that we understand how to properly

express what we mean by using our bodies.

When you are knowledgeable regarding body language it is possible to discover all

types of interesting things about other people, including understanding when someone

is attracted to you and even how to create interest in someone else. You can also

detect the difference between truth and lies as well as effectively command respect in

any type of situation and portray confidence. Body language can also be helpful for

making friends instantly and putting others at ease.

What Exactly is Body Language?Body language is a term that is frequently used to describe a type of communication in

which gestures or body movements are used in the place or in addition to verbal

language. Body language can include even the most subtle movements that you might

not otherwise be aware of, such as a slight movement of the eyebrows, a tilt of the

head, a glance of the eyes or any other facial expressions. Body language is so

powerful it can oftentimes be one of the easiest ways to determine what is truly taking

place within a conversation. When you are able to observe body language from another

person you can immediately gain an indication of whether that person is being honestwith you or whether there may be more going on. By observing, looking and watching

you can often learn more from a persons body language than the words coming from

their mouth.


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How We Use Body Language

Any part of the body can be used to transmit signals. This includes:

Face

Cheek

Chin

Mouth

Lips

Teeth

Tongue

Nose Eyes

Eyebrow

Forehead

Elbow

Hand

Fingers

Neck Shoulder

Chest

Back

Hips

Legs

Feet

Thats quite an exhaustive list! Body language encompasses all of our moves and is a

display of all of our emotions and motives. Learning to ensure you are sending the right

signals is crucial when interacting with others. Body language can also be used to learn

how to effectively elicit a desired response in others. The way we act and react can be


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controlled by body language. For instance, when someone smiles at us the typical

response is to smile back.

Many times, body language forms the first contact we have with other people. Before

we even speak to another person we begin by communicating with them through body

language. Even from across a crowded room, our eyes can meet those of someone

else and linker. A twitch of the lips. A raised eyebrow. Without any words being spoken,

a connection can be made. In fact, many times, body language can say far more than

words.

Below are some effective body language habits to focus on acquiring and using

whenever you are in a situation for meeting new people.

Make eye contact. Imagine there is an invisible triangle that is formed by the other

persons eyes and nose. Focus your gaze on that area and avoid staring at areas such

as the forehead, chest or feet.

Smile. Simply smile. Practice in front of a mirror if it makes you feel more comfortable so

you can see what others see when you smile.

Take the first step an initiate a handshake. The way in which you shake hands is crucial

when you meet someone for the first time. This is what actually establishes a power

balance to any relationship. Avoid giving a limp handshake or a handshake that is too

firm. Work on holding out your hand straight and without tilting it at an angle. Grip the

other persons hand and pump it once or twice.

Thats it. Thats all there is to it.

Properly make eye contact.

Smile.


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Initiate a firm, but not overly aggressive handshake.

Properly following these simple steps can create a strong impression when you are

meeting someone for the first time. This will help you to instantly stand out from the

crowd and also ensure that others will be interested in continuing their first interaction

with you. This is crucial to developing a continuing relationship with that person.


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Chapter 4

Places to Meet New People

Earlier we touched on some great ways to overcome your shyness and gave examples

of places to meet new people. When you do not have many potential friends or even

prospects for friends, it is necessary to create opportunities to meet other people. Most

people find it easiest to meet new people when there is a built-in icebreaker based on

the setting or circumstances. Likewise, most people find it more difficult to approach

strangers and strike up a conversation.

Below are some ideas for places to meet new people. Keep in mind you may find it

necessary to try out several different methods before you discover a technique that

works for you personally. You will likely find you are able to meet new people most

easily through some avenues while also finding that other methods do not work as well

for you. Do not become discouraged if the first few attempts do not appear to produce

the results you desire. Be persistent and keep trying!

Through People you Already Know

This might be somewhat obvious, but the best place to meet new people is through

other people you already know. The beauty of this technique is that the ice is already

broken. You already have something in common through a mutual friend. You can also

be assured the other person is likely going to be friendly and will extend the effort to

chat with you. There is also the added benefit you are likely to see them again at some

point in the future. If you happen to know someone who has a large social circle of their

own; even better. One way to meet people you already know is to host a party or event

and ask people you know to bring others.


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Meeting People at Work

Work is another fairly standard option, but it is also one that works well. Depending on

the circumstances you might even consider taking a part-time job or job on the side as a

way of meeting new people. Restaurants are a good choice because there is always alarge staff and plenty of new people coming in. Along the same lines, you could also

consider volunteering somewhere. By simply putting in a few hours per week you could

gain a great opportunity to meet other people.

Clubs and Organizations

Participating in clubs and organizations offers a natural appeal for meeting new people

because you will immediately get to know a group of people who have similar interests.

If there are not any organizations or clubs nearby in which you have an interest,

consider starting your own. Even an informal group setting can produce good results.

For instance, consider starting up a book club and posting notices at your local library

that you will be hosting the first meeting at your home.

Sports and Sporting Events

Do you enjoy sports? Do you have a particular passion for a certain sporting event? If

so, use that as an opportunity to meet other people. Whether you decide to go to a local

sports bar to watch coverage of your favorite sport or you prefer to join a local team,

sports can be a great way to meet new people and form friendships with others who

have the same interest as you.

Take a Class

This is another fairly standard technique for meeting people, but it is also one that works

exceptionally well. Not only do you gain the benefit of being able to meet new people

but its also a wonderful way to learn how to do something you have always had an

interest in. The only drawback to this technique is that there is the possibility of


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spending too much time listening to and focusing on the instructor rather than meting

and socializing with others. To avoid this type of problem consider making it a point to

exchange contact information with others in the class so you can talk about the course

material or exchange notes. Make it a point to join a study group or even start your own

study group. Once you start talking about the class material, this will naturally open the

door to become friends outside of class.

Where you Live

You may also be able to utilize your living situation to galvanize your efforts to meet new

people and make new friends. In many cases you will be able to meet your neighbors in

a natural manner but you can also make a special effort to introduce yourself to others

in the same building or same neighborhood as well.

One great technique is to make it a point to spend time in the common areas and then

initiate small talk with others you encounter. If circumstances allow, you might even

consider moving into a large building whether there are lots of people about your same

age. Another option is to deliberately take a roommate. This often produces the result of

immediately boosting your social life because you will come in contact with their friends

as well.

When you do encounter your neighbors, make it a point to chat with them. Invite them to

spend time together. If one of your neighbors invites you to stop by, dont be reticent.

Take them up on the offer.

Public Places

Public places are always a great way to meet new people. The options are practically

endless. Consider some of the following:

Coffee house

Bar


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Restaurant

Library

Internet caf

Supermarket

Farmers market

Festival or fair

Museum

Gallery

Sporting event

Antique show

Flea market

Public park

Seminar

Wine tasting

Theater or musical production

The key to making this option work for you is to not just go to a public place and keep to

yourself. Make a conscious effort to chat with others. Comment on the weather or a

display or anything else relevant to get the conversational ball going. You never know if

you might be able to build a long-lasting relationship or friendship based on small talk

you made over the weather while standing in line at the market to pay for a gallon of

milk.

FamilyAlthough this might at first seem somewhat strange, you may well find it easy to meet

new people through your siblings or other family members. You would be surprised at

the number of people who have met close friends or even future significant others or

spouses through family members.


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Make it a point to attend more family events and functions. Invite your family over to

your house for dinner or a movie night or game night and ask them to bring some of

their friends along with them. Be up front and tell your family you are trying to extend

your social circle and ask them to help you out by introducing you to their friends and

acquaintances.


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Chapter 5

Breaking the Ice

A good portion of learning how to develop new friendships lies in learning how to make

small talk and how to initiate conversations. This involves using some rather basic tools

and topics that are considered safe to discuss with someone you do not yet really know.

Although making small talk is considered tedious by many people, it is an important tool

for learning how to interact with others and learn more about them. Conversations that

start out small often lead to other topics, allowing you to discover other potential

interests you may share in common.

How to Get the Conversation GoingWhen attending an event or party, focus on approaching other people who are alone or

on their own. This often makes it much easier to approach someone else instead of

trying to make your way into an existing group.

Subjects for small talk can be quite broad and might include your occupation or the

weather. Another strategy you can use is to talk about something in your current

surroundings and use that as a type of ice breaker. For instance, introduce yourself andthen combine that with a question about the event:

This is a wonderful party. How do you know Ken, our host?

What a wonderful day for a baseball game. Do you play?

Leslie is a beautiful bride, isnt she? How do you know her and Tom?

Small talk is a great way to break the ice but it cannot be sustained for an entire

conversation. By paying attention to subtle clues from the other person, you can then

make your way into asking additional questions.


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You:Carol really knows how to throw a party. I love these appetizers.

Them: Theyre great, but Im trying to stay away from the snack table. Its been hard to

make it to the gym this week.

You: Oh, where do you workout?

As you can see from the example above, one simple question could easily lead to a

discussion where you discover you both work out at the same gym or like to go jogging.

The goal for this technique is to keep the conversation going by asking carefully and

well thought out questions. Listening closely is also important.

While small talk might make you uncomfortable in the beginning, the more you practice

it the more comfortable you will likely become at it. Keep in mind that small talk is not

something that should be used with just one person. It can be helpful for navigating an

entire social setting, allowing you to discover numerous interesting people to talk with.

Making small talk does require some effort on your part. To help you make the most of

small talk opportunities, follow these tips:

Keep up on current events and topics such as recent movies, TV shows, news

items, etc.

Avoid controversial topics; particularly salary, politics, religion, finances, etc.

Make an effort to be yourself. Dont try to come off as an expert just to try to

impress others

Keep in mind it could take several conversations before you are able to really

bond with another person. Dont set your expectations too high and expect you

will quickly become best friends just because you made a connection over small

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Dont make the mistake of worrying about how you perform. If you try talking with

a few people and they do not seem particularly interested, keep moving on and

talking to other people

Acceptable Topics for Small Talk

Below are some ideas for small talk topics. If you find it difficult to speak about any of

these topics, try improving your vocabulary and related jargon by researching topics on

the Internet, reading magazines, etc.

Hobbies

Sports

Weather

Movies

Books

Holidays

Occupation

Latest fashions and trends

Celebrities


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Chapter 6

Making Plans with Others

Once you have been able to actually meet other people and have successfully made

small talk with them you may find the opportunity to make plans with them for future

events. Part of meeting people and making new friends is taking the initiative to spend

time with prospective friends rather than passively waiting for the other person to invite

you to spend time together. In order to do this, you need to be organized and make

plans.

This can sometimes be rather simple but it can also be somewhat involved. Once you

master the ability to set up plans with other people it will give you the ability to be more

active in taking charge of your own social life. Instead of waiting for something to come

along you can instead arrange the types of events and outings you are interested in.

To be successful at making plans with other people, there are a few guidelines that

should be followed:

First, always have an idea of who it is you want to spend time with

Have an idea of what it is you want to do with that person or group of people

Have an idea of when it is that you want to do it

Make the effort to specifically invite that person or those people to do that activity

with you at that time

Provided the other party/parties are interested, go ahead and work out the details

so that they are suitable for everyone involved; including a meeting time and

location


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If the other party is not interested, try again by coming up with a different time or

a plan that may be more appealing

Staying FlexibleOne of the problems you may encounter along the way is not being able to arrange

something because it does not accommodate everyone. This is perfectly natural and

happens quite frequently. The key to keep in mind is that once you are in the process of

arranging something with even one other person, the plan is no longer solely your plan.

Do not make the mistake of getting too hung up on the details.

Remain flexible and be prepared for the location, time, date or even other details tochange. They might even change more than once. Go with it. Clearly, there are times

when you may not be able to be as flexible, such as if a particular musical group you

want to see is only going to be in a nearby location on one date but there are other

times when you can be more flexible such as seeing the late feature instead of the early

feature with a group of friends or getting together on Saturday instead of Friday.

Staying in the Technology Loop

Making sure you stay in the loop with technology is essential. Practically everyone

keeps in touch today through cell phone, texting, online messaging and online social

networking. Keeping up with technology ensures you have better and easier access to

friends and can also provide you with greater exposure to their social networks. In

addition, it is also simply more convenient. Rather than jotting down contact details on a

cocktail napkin and hoping you dont lose it, you can just enter it in your cell phone and

it is there when you need it.

Laying the Groundwork for Future Plans

Far too often many people find they make plans to hang out with someone theyve met

but it never goes further than that one event. To prevent this from happening, it is

important to take control of the situation and make a point of establishing plans for


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getting together in the future. Do not just let it go at This was fun. We should do this

again sometime.

At some point during the coming weeks or days, make an attempt at setting up another

outing. While it would be great if the other person takes the initiative, recognize they

may not and be prepared to do it yourself. Another option would be to have a recurring

plan, such as having coffee on Tuesday or meeting at a friends house for dinner once

per month. Keep in mind that this can take some effort and work to maintain, especially

if everyone is busy and has an active social schedule, but it can also definitely be worth

it. Without making that conscious effort, budding friendships often fall apart.


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Chapter 7

Maintaining Friendships

Numerable studies have concluded that strong social ties are essential to happiness.

Close, long-term relationships offer the opportunity for you to be able to confide in

others, have a sense of belonging and the chance to give as well as receive support.

Studies have also shown that when you have at least five friends whom you can rely on

you are much more likely to consider yourself as being happy. Strong relationships

increase the likelihood of finding joy in life as well as lengthening your lifespan by

booting immunity and reducing the risk of depression.

Although it can be somewhat of a challenge to step out and make the first overture of

friendship, it is critical to do so. Even more of a challenge for some people can be

keeping the friendship going once they have taken the first steps. Making plans to see

one another in the future, as described in the last section, is important, but there are

also other steps you can take as well.

Use social networking. Sites such as Twitter, Facebook and other social media sites are

great for maintaining friendships. One of the largest obstacles many people encounter

in maintaining friendships is simply time. It takes time to call, email, make plans, etc.

social media gives you the chance to keep in touch without taking up a lot of time.

Joining and starting groups. One of the great benefits of joining or starting a group is

that doing so gives you the ability to make as well as maintain friendships. Although it

might not seem so at first, making specific plans to see someone on a scheduled basis,

even once a month can be enough to keep a friendship going. Meeting in a group

setting is also quite effective because you are able to multi-task and see a lot of other

people at the same time.


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Making the effort to show others you are thinking of them. In this modern age we are all

busy and have hectic schedules. Keeping in touch can take a lot of time and effort. One

useful strategy is to simply drop a friend an email or a text to let them know you are

thinking of them. It only takes a few moments but it can produce wonderful results.

Dont set your expectations too high. Many people make the mistake of thinking a

friendship is going to happen spontaneously. This is frequently not the case. It can take

time for a friendship to develop. Friendships do not always develop naturally and easily.

They do take work as well as time. Be willing to put in the time and effort necessary to

cultivate a friendship and be wary of casting off friendships that do not automatically

develop over night.

Be a good listener. We all want to talk about ourselves. Its simply human nature. At the

same time, recognize that a solid friendship is built on give and take. Make sure you are

offering the opportunity to be there and truly listen to the other person without

necessarily offering advice.

Respect one anothers view points. Everyone has a different personality. While you may

share similar interests, keep in mind that not everyone has the same viewpoint and thatis okay. Different personalities can compliment one another. To be friends, you do not

always need to have the same view on every subject.

Never betray the other persons trust. This is a simple rule that should always be

upheld. Trust can be quite fragile and when it is violated it has the potential to ruin even

the best of friendships.

Work through conflict. It is inevitable that there will come a time when you will not

always agree with a friend. In order for the friendship to continue, that conflict must be

resolved. Confrontation is one way in which conflict can be resolved, but you can also

simply talk through it. You may also find it helpful to benefit from a cooling-off period.

You may find that after a period of time the conflict has simply dissipated.


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There is no doubt that maintaining a friendship requires effort on the part of everyone. In

some relationships you may feel as though you are giving more than you are getting. If

that is the case you may need to sit down and give some careful consideration to

whether you wish to continue that relationship with that person. Before ending the

friendship keep in mind that no one person can fill all of your needs.

Having a variety of friends can truly be the spice of life. You may gain something from

each of your friends. This is precisely why it is important to continually make the effort to

meet new people and make new friends. You never know what role the person you

meet while standing in line at the market is going to fill in your life.

Be Persistent and Keep at ItSome people naturally find it easier to make friends than other people. This is likely

because some people are naturally more sociable and outgoing than other people.

Simply because you are more shy or reserved than another person does not mean that

you do not possess the ability to meet new people and make new friends. You may

need to exert more effort, overcoming some anxieties and spend more time at it, but it

can happen.

The most important thing is to make sure that you are persistent and keep at it. Meeting

new people and making friends is really no different than any other skill in the world. It

requires time, patience and practice. The more you do it, the better you will get at it and

the more comfortable you will feel doing it.

Be persistent!

Never give up!

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How to Make Friends Book