How to Move In & Out of the Comfort Zone€¦ · How to move in and out of Comfort Zone? Shrinklady says: Oh you’re welcome Rose. Music therapy eh…that’s wonderful….love the

How to Move In & Out of the

Comfort Zone...and Other Teaching Bits

© S.K. Lacombe Consulting Inc. - All Rights Reserved - E: 2

Teaching Bits from Dr. Reggies’ movie 4

Teaching Bits from the Inside Job movie 6

�How to move in and out of Comfort Zone? 6

�Going into freeze studying 7

� I was abandoned by my therapist 9

�Running into my ex-therapist 12

�Feel abandoned and dealing with transference 14

�Feeling worse off from therapy 16

�What can a recovering vet do? 17

� I have no control over what I say 18

�Can't say anything in therapy 19

�Taken meds for years 20

�Can't get what I need in relationships 22

�Should my therapist hug me? 24

�Should I force myself to stick with the deep work when I'm not ready?

25

�How to get out of "what's the use" 26

Contents


�How to get out of freeze mode 27

�How to heal my original injuries with Mom and Dad? 29

�Hands down the best approach 31

�Should I find another therapist? 32

�How does your program work? 33

�My therapist won't change 34

�What model are you using? 36

�How does the therapist keep the client in the Zone? 37

�How does the therapist "soothe" the client? 38

�Learning on the edge of the Zone 39

�How do you tell you're on the edge of the Zone? 40

�How does the therapist know you're on the edge of the Zone? 41


Teaching Bits from Dr. Reggies’ movieIf you could choose to work on just one thing…

There is one thing that you can work on to improve your emotional life. It’s better than any other technique, strategy - even any type of meditation or mindfulness.

Because it fundamentally changes how you feel about yourself and thus how you connect to others, it can take you out of fear mode and into a wider enjoyment of life.

How can any one thing do all that?

Neuroscience has shown that strengthening this capacity is the key to solving many of your emotional problems, including anxiety, depression, relationship problems and particularly traumas.

Hundreds of clinical hours using this approach vouch for its effectiveness.

That ultimate capacity of your nervous system - that human beings and all mammals share - is called self-regulation.

How does self-regulation work?

When your nervous system optimally "self-regulates", it automatically down regulates when you're stressed and up regulates when it's time to be happy.

You know that your nervous system is self-regulating well when you don't have to do anything to get out of stress mode – it just naturally happens.

Why do studies on infant development help?

Infants are born with a hair trigger nervous system - they have high activation - they can't tolerate being stressed at all and have no way to reduce it.


They have to learn how to get back into the Zone by being soothed and learning to soothe themselves.

And we have to learn in much the same way - through touch, soothing tone of voice, and body sensations.

How do I get my nervous system to regulate better?

You can tremendously improve the way you manage emotions, especially negative ones, by training your nervous system to self-regulate.

And you train the nervous system by working with body sensations.

Huh?

You just have to sit with the icky, uncomfortable physical feelings that arise whenever you're stressed.

Over time, you train your nervous system to release those feelings automatically. You have to become comfortable being uncomfortable, especially when you’re in therapy.

Really? It’s that simple?

Yes, you can eventually train your nervous system to recover its resilience just by sitting on the couch!

Of course, this change will usually take some time but it’s really just a matter of practice and repetition.

Now armed with this new knowledge, you might find these Q&A's from the Inside Job movie insightful:


Teaching Bits from the Inside Job movieHow to move in and out of Comfort Zone?

Shrinklady says:

Oh you’re welcome Rose. Music therapy eh…that’s wonderful….love the “right brain” type therapies.

I was glad to hear you mention how important it is for us therapists to take care of ourselves. Indeed, in my own experience, that route has offered the greatest impact on how I work with clients (I was in body-based therapy). It’s been a direct

Hi Shrinklady,

Thank you for sharing this. I’m studying to be a music therapist and I have come to realize that I have to accept how my survival mode in an anxious (frozen or crisis) state affects me. It’s been very humbling, but I have to take care of myself so I can be aware of how to take care of my future clients.

With that, I have noticed that my verbal communication is muted when I want to speak my mind. It’s like I have to react when someone asks me a question, but this only happens in a situation that is out of my comfort zone.

I would like to learn how to move in and out in my comfort zone so I can speak what I am thinking and not jumble over my words, have trouble listening, and catch on to the general culture that I have noticed others do not believe I catch onto. Internalizing has been my way of surviving, but it can be very unhealthy too in the way that I choose to internalize.

Rose


correlation…as I have become attuned to my own body and emotions, I have become more attuned with my clients.

And just to offer some hope…it is quite possible to re-regulate the nervous system so you live your live well within the Zone. The key is to reduce your nervous system arousal pattern on an ongoing basis and especially at times when it’s hardest to do.

That in itself, will help to bring you into the present. (You can use the 12-Second Chill for this….although there are easier ways too.)

Now, it does takes a concerted effort over a period of time and there are times when it’s really tough. Even as you begin though, you’ll notice changes in yourself.

In fact, I continue to be amazed how clients’ lives continually open up in unexpected ways as their nervous system becomes more regulated.

If you do indeed give it a try, please come back and let me know how it’s going.

Best, Shrinklady

Going into freeze studying

Hi, thanks for the video. I’m actually a forensic psych student in 1st year and in freeze zone as you put it for most things specially related to my studies. i have so much going on and haven’t been able to focus on my studies and this is driving me into the crisis mode as i have little control over what’s happening at the moment. anyhow this was a great new perspective and I’m looking forward to more videos.

https://budurl.me/Zone12SecondChill

http://www.myshrink.com/brainwise/12-second-chill/


Shrinklady says:

Hi Camila, yeah it’s so important to take care of ourselves as psychologists. I was reminded how important it is in my practice this week. Cause if I can’t be emotionally available to my clients, I set a defining limit on what is literally possible for them.

Yeah, being a good therapist is really all about where we are within ourselves. If our Zone of Comfort is maxed, we can’t go where our clients need us. However, if we expand our nervous system capacity, we expand emotionally.

You had asked for tips. Yes, here’s one tip…and you may already be onto this Camila…

It’s far more efficient to work on yourself – on the inside – than in trying to control things outside of you. By changing your internal environment (there’s probably a better way of phrasing that), what you see outside of yourself, will be transformed.

In other words, how we see the world is shaped by how we experience ourselves on the inside. That’s where we have the greater control.

So contrary to the idea of “reduce your stress by cutting back” (which is the common advice and not always preferable especially if you want to complete your schooling), you literally grow yourself from the inside so you are up for any challenge as your life expands.

i guess just like any other psychologist i must look after myself too before looking after others. will be looking at the 12 second chill video but any other tips as well??

Cheers from down under =) Camila


Hope that gives you some food for thought.

Shrinklady

P.S. And if you didn’t catch this earlier, I teach how to get out of crisis mode on a more or less regular basis in my Brain Coaching Program.

I was abandoned by my therapist

What a great video! I just learned so much about myself and my spouse.

I’m a survivor of multiple childhood traumas. I went to therapy for one year, steadily at first and then, upon the therapist’s suggestion, only when something cropped up.

About one year into the therapy (maybe 15 sessions total), I finally felt comfortable and trusting enough to dig deeper on a particular issue. It was an issue I didn’t even touch for a year because it was something that often left me numb. Finally, I was starting to feel the depth and weight of this issue and its impact on my life, and I wanted to process it.

I let the therapist know this by e-mail and requested a session the therapist did not respond. Then, we set up the appointment and she cancelled last minute and never wrote back to reschedule. I later learned that the therapist’s personal life was getting in the way of her therapy practice. She had to go silent on everyone for about three months.

When she returned, I tried to see her but I had to stop going because even the sight of her made me feel very afraid.

I guess I’m curious about what your thoughts are. I was devastated. I’m a high functioning person with steady employment, a lot of responsibility at

https://budurl.me/BackInZone


Shrinklady says:

Oh, I can imagine how this experience might have blind-sided you PJ especially as you say – your life was functioning well enough. It’s hard to think that you could have seen that coming.

It’s unfortunate that your original therapist just left like that especially as you had opened up to her at such a deep level. It’s good to hear you were able to go there and by the way, this bodes well for your future therapy.

However, you deserved time with her to help transition to a new therapist and at minimum, some acknowledgement of how hard this change must be for you.

So, I totally get why you would have reacted fearfully upon her short return and why you’re feeling afraid of this new therapist. You see, you were opening up to

work and at home and in my community, and I was managing it fine and I’m shocked and dismayed at how losing my therapist unnerved me and made me unable to function for a few days.

After five months, I was still crying about this so I found a new therapist. I’m scared of this person though she seems like a sweetheart. I’m starting to wonder if therapy is just madness — going to a therapist to talk about what happened with my last therapist?

I think I’m now worse than ever and regretting ever opening up my heart and stability to this much risk in the first place. I had no idea that therapy carried so much personal risk if your therapist just drops you. I feel bad for my therapist but I also feel bad for myself.

Thank you for your thoughts. PJ


an emotionally younger part of you and now having been abandoned just when you started to trust again…well, it’s harkening back to your earlier traumas (that I assume some of which were relational).

If you think of a young child being left behind and how she’d cope in a world she doesn’t know how to navigate in, that’s what you’re presently coping with.

So, I’m glad to hear you’re taking steps to take care of yourself. Therapeutic relationships are relationships after all and things can go awry.

On the flip side, working through this issue will certainly help you to deal with any betrayal you might have experienced earlier in your life.

In fact, owing to how the brain is interconnected, dealing with this current abandonment will help to heal your earlier experiences.

As a therapist, I would certainly be encouraging my client to work through this issue before tackling earlier material (We’re more resourced as adults and this being an “adult” experience, is usually easier to move through.)

And just so you know PJ, it’s not uncommon to go to another therapist to deal with what happened with a previous T. The issues can range from a one off comment that your previous therapist said all the way to an extreme situation where abuse was occurring.

This therapist was clearly out of her depth…with her “when something crops up” type therapy. Her awareness of early development and trauma seems clearly lacking.

So PJ, I’m tempted to think it’s actually better that you are with someone else. Personally, I would only work with a therapist who had a lot of experience in the area of brainwise therapy and trauma.

I hope that helps relieve some of your queries PJ.

All the best, Shrinklady


Running into my ex-therapist

Shrinklady says:

Oh that’s so cool how you used the Chill Sharon. And yes, I’m pretty sure you can find peace again. In fact, I think you’re already half way there.

I know it’s possible because I’ve experienced something similar myself. That said, I don’t think there’s a quick solution for you but it’s definitely possible for you to one day to smile warmly and confidently upon meeting her.

Everyone’s had moments they’d wish they could replay. Alas, most won’t see this

During a session with my therapist, I noticed my arousal level rising. I stopped mid-sentence and took several slow deep breaths and a 12-second chill. It helped. I told him I was on the edge and needed to get back in the zone. He said that was a good skill to know.

However, a week later, I ran into my old therapist at the church we attend. I was going in a door as she was coming out. We have a long history together.

Three years ago she terminated me after five years of weekly therapy because of unresolved negative transference. She smiled and said hi to me but I stood frozen in front of her and began to hyperventilate. I wanted to greet her but my reptilian brain was in a panic. I am afraid to go to church and run into her again.

I can’t live like this! How did I sit with her for all those years and now I am unable to even speak to her! Is there any way to find peace with her again?

Sharon


as a sign (and an opportunity!) to do some emotional work. But if you’re up for doing the work you’ll find many other things in your life will improve as well. (I call that the “collateral advantage” of working on a single issue – it affects you on such a deep level that you see improvements on all levels).

There are two ways to approach this problem, both of which require that you understand how the workings of the nervous system bring your level of activation down.

One is related to the way our nervous system responds when activation is running high. High activation means we’re more likely to move into freeze when triggered. If our activation is really running high, it doesn’t take much to trigger us.

When you ran into your former therapist the arousal pattern associated with your automatic internal reaction could not be contained. That is, her presence triggered you beyond what your nervous system (your “bucket”) could handle and the primitive lizard brain moved you into freeze.

And just so you know Sharon, your body chose the freeze response – you literally had no control over this reaction. However, if you’re able to lower your baseline activation level, you’ll reduce the likelihood of triggering a freeze response.

Using the 12-Second Chill is a good beginning. Learning to go deeper using that skill will certainly help. I explain this a lot more in my Program (BCP).

Even if you’re successful in reducing your overall level of activation, you still could have an uncomfortable reaction upon seeing her even though you’re no longer going into freeze. To reduce this reaction, you’ll need to do the work of uncovering the emotional issues that you’ve projected onto her (that is, through the negative transference).

Please remember that it’s actually not your ex-therapist that’s the cause of this transference. Once you’ve cleared away the related emotional issues you’ll



experience her just as you do any supportive person in your life. Since you’re in therapy now, I trust that you’re already on this path.

I hope that gives you some ideas to work with.

Best,

Shrinklady

P.S. There’s another tool I’d recommend for you that will help you to handle encounters like this without overreacting. It’s called “The Take Two Technique” (also part of the BCP), and it too is based on systematic desensitization using imagination and body sensation.

Feel abandoned and dealing with transference

Im so glad I have found this site, I feel so abandoned by the therapist i was seeing and I know I have transference issues, but I did not trust him enough to speak to him about them, he was emotionally aloof and I felt not really listened to, I often use to shut down, (the only way I could manage myself), I feel lost and betrayed and I dont know why.

The therapy opened up memories of past trauma and abuse, Im back now on the waiting list for more therapy but I know that I will need help getting over the transference issues I have with my last therapist, but I see that others have had the courage to deal with this and so must I, no matter how terrified I feel, I don’t blame him or me for that matter but oh the pain is bad......

Catherine E.



Shrinklady says:

Oh, I’m so glad you trusted your instincts with your last therapist Catherine that is, in not opening up. It’s pretty hard to heal from emotional traumas if your therapist isn’t emotionally available to you.

Even so, it’d be understandable that you might have developed a stronger transference with him than you cared to and hence why you’re now feeling lost and betrayed. His aloofness could easily trigger these feelings within you.

And just so you know, shutting down in therapy is quite natural – even adaptive – in that circumstance and given your history.

I’m glad to hear that you’re willing to give it another go.

All the best,

Shrinklady

One of our members from the BCP responded:

Catherine, I’m so sorry to hear that you seem to be in the same position re an aloof therapist and very painful transfer issues as I was, and I will never ever forget it. The pain of not understanding, feeling bewildered, and longing was awful, but I promise you some strategies I learnt in the BCP gave me the help and relief I was desperate for. I just thought I would come and offer what help I could to you after having just seen your comment a moment ago which took me back to where I once was.

Good luck, and I wish you all the very best.

Sandra


Feeling worse off from therapy

Shrinklady says:

Thanks for your post Judy and sharing your experience. It’s quite disheartening to hear stories of therapist betrayal, especially when we’re reaching out for help and are already feeling vulnerable. That kind of breach in trust can catch us off guard. It’s totally unethical and unprofessional.

Therapy should be one area of life where we needn’t have to worry about feeling safe. So I’m sorry that happened to you.

It’s wonderful to hear though, that you had the courage to get back into therapy. That says a lot about you.

I’m glad the movie resonated with you.

Best,

Shrinklady

I loved your video. It made perfect sense to me and you presented the ideas in a really clear way. I have gone to therapists forever, most were kind and helpful. One molested me and I ended up being worse off than when I started.

I have a great therapist now, but this is a new way of looking at the chaotic feelings that seem overwhelming at times.

Thank you. Judy


What can a recovering vet do?

Shrinklady says:

Hi Mark, I hope you know that you’re not alone. It’s unfortunate that the information doesn’t get into the right hands. Too many Vets are needlessly suffering as a result.

My work is based in part, on Peter Levine’s. I think you’ll find his site helpful in making sense of why meds and a purely ‘talk therapy’ approach are clearly not the answers. His book, “Waking the Tiger” showed a whole generation of health care practitioners how to resolve “fight, flight, freeze” in the lizard brain – including me.

As you read his book, you might find these articles on how the brain works a useful reference.

Let us know how you make out Mark.

Shrinklady

I deployed to Iraq in 2008 on a rather uneventful 9 months. I have not integrated back home very well and now have been to the VA for counseling for three years.

I’m currently on medication that seems to not make much of a change and I still deal unsuccessfully with the same stressors. I have since dealt with several addictive behaviors. I started looking online for help that works and ran across the Shrinklady’s Brain-wise video.

This makes good sense and I’m looking forward to more information. Obviously medication and government appointed help is failing.

Mark


I have no control over what I say

Shrinklady says:

I can so relate to what you’re talking about Kathy. Blurting out stuff and immediately regretting it…I remember that time in my life….hurting people when you don’t mean to and feeling embarrassed the next.

And if you’re like me, after a while – knowing I couldn’t trust myself – I pulled away from other people particularly women who didn’t like my more direct approach to begin with.

Please know Kathy, that this doesn’t have to be the way. And it doesn’t take years in therapy either for it to change. The main issue here is that you don’t have a buffer zone – where you get to pause and think before you react.

It’s like being triggered and the reaction being unstoppable. And I can just imagine how frustrating that is for other aspects of your life too.

When I’m working with clients, we chat about “emptying” them out….sorta like what a good vacation does. A session here and there will do that naturally just like talking to a good friend. However, what you need is something that’s more permanent so you don’t have to keep relying on “emptying out” artificially, so to speak.

I am looking for someone who can help me back on feet and help me relate better to people. I tend to put my foot in my mouth quite often.

I try to relate to people and hang out with them but i don’t feel i fit in anywhere can you help me.

Kathy


Basically, your nervous system needs to be able to regulate your emotions on its own. When the nervous system works as it should, you’ll have less need for control and you’ll return to being spontaneous – only this time with a lot more ease and control over your emotions.

Looking forward to telling you more in time,

Shrinklady

Can't say anything in therapy

I have found a great therapist and i really trust her, but when i enter the room i automatically go into crisis or freeze mood. We talk about the family and that is fine, but as soon as we need to deal with the deep stuff, i stutter or have slurred speech or most of the times say nothing.

My thoughts travel through my head, but it is like it is impossible for me to verbalize what i feel. I use to email her as it was easier than talking, then we could discuss it in a session. Now i don’t sent to email her anymore as i find myself typing to much detail of childhood abuse and bad choices i have made in life and i am terrified of talking about this in a session.

She is a great therapist and make me feel like she cares, how can i get myself to open up and allow myself to heal.

Deirdre

https://budurl.me/Emotional2

http://ez.com/Emotional2


Shrinklady says:

Yes, Deirdre you may trust your therapist – but your lizard brain doesn’t! And it’s that part of the brain that you need to tame first before you go digging into your past.

It’s like every time you see your therapist, you’re jumping into the deep end of the pool. What you need to do first is sit on the edge of the shallow end and dip your feet in the water. Only when you’re ready, do you even get into the water.

In other words, work on feeling safe first. Try using the 12-Second Chill in your session. By using your body, you’ll be accessing the lizard brain directly.

There’s certainly much more to say on this topic. I hope this helps.

Shrinklady

P.S. How to “dip into the shallow end” in therapy is exactly what I teach in the BCP.

Taken meds for years

I have taken medication for depression and anxiety for several years and they have helped. The past year I have experienced an increase in stressors, mainly financial and work-related.

I work in the mental health field and realized I needed medication adjustment. My psychiatrist suggested I see a therapist to assist with maintaining stability once the meds kicked in. I have my first counseling appointment in 5 days with a therapist who is excellent.

https://budurl.me/Zone12SecondChill

https://budurl.me/MoreFromTherapy


Shrinklady says:

To be frank Angela, it took me a while to settle myself down after reading your post. It wasn’t your fault and please know that I’m grateful for your comment. I just felt so discouraged that the mental health field continues these myths:

1. that medications are necessary to heal and/or feel better – they’re not (and in my view they often prevent deeper healing).

2. that we can only hope for “maintaining stability”. (I suspect that your psychiatrist is operating from: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.)

There is absolutely no reason for you to continue to suffer from anxiety and depression. You not only can be cured from these problems, you can live a much richer life than you can imagine at this point.

Shrinklady

Although I am a bit hesitant about being the consumer instead of the helper, I believe I will benefit from it.

The video was helpful and explained things in an easy to understand manner.

Angela G.


Can't get what I need in relationships

Hi Shrinklady, my biggest problem is that I feel that I have to equal everyones efforts. i.e. If someone does something for me I pay back double.

I am always doubly grateful for the smallest thing someone does for me. I always feel endebted to them. I give 100% to everyone that asks and when I ask for something and my needs are put on the back burner I get hurt.

Say my husband asks for help and I spring into action trying to find solutions and trying to lighten his load. However when its my turn to need something he is busy or leaves it to later or tell me not to worry. Knowing I will worry and will try to sort it out.

another senario. I work full time my husband works two days a week, he has three day to do anything he wants and on the weekend

I look for him to spend time doing things together and him helping me clean and sort the house for the coming week and he will go off and do his thing and tell me to leave the house know full well that if I do when we get back I will still have to do the bulk of it.

Because it does not bother him he does not worry. It bothers me as if its not done it just plays on my mind and bother me until I know its done.

Am I being crazy here, I get great satisfaction from having everything done then going off and enjoying the carefree hours knowing I can totally relax.


Shrinklady says:

Hi Tina, I’ve run into this pattern quite often in my practice – and by the way, that’s what it is to the nervous system – it’s simply a pattern. That’s good news for you. Cause if it’s a learned pattern – and it is – then it can be unlearned. But not in the usual “let’s analyze and think it through” approach.

I’ve actually had quite a bit of experience with the dynamic including dealing with my own issues with what I call, “emotional caretaking”. So, I’m very pleased to share my thoughts with you.

In body-based language, the activation associated with asking and receiving is too challenging for your nervous system…the short version of the story…you never had much experience with these behaviours early on and so there are not sufficient pathways in the brain.

In other words, you haven’t had much practice and in the same way we approach any new activity, there’s some discomfort. Now the discomfort is no doubt being driven by some early experiences.

However, we don’t even need to know exactly what those experiences are to feel better.

If everything is not done then I wont fully relax and will want to cut my outings short and get back and get things sorted. Like ironing clothes for the next week of work.

Am I over the top do I expect too much am I ocd. I get so hurt when no one else even thinks of cleaning up. Tina


You see, it’s the uncomfortable feelings that compel you to clean, even though it’s time to relax. If you work directly with that discomfort Tina, you will see changes in yourself.

Then, in time, you will find yourself basically stepping into new behaviours as if you’ve always been this way. That’s the beauty of the implicit memory system and training your nervous system.

Tina, I hope to hear you say that you expect much more from life!

Best,

Shrinklady

Should my therapist hug me?

Shrinklady says:

Yes, that’s right Bob. Metaphorically speaking, a “compressing hug” throughout the session is exactly what’s needed for a client to get back into the Zone. Done repeatedly, this practice will return the nervous system to its natural rhythm.

Basically, the activation associated with the emotional energy needs to be contained and brought back to baseline. And in some cases, if the client and therapist are so inclined a hug or two would certainly do the trick!

More often though, the “attuned” care of an engaged therapist helps the client contain the emotions.

Still not sure what else is at play. The Pt gets a compressing hug through the session?

Bob


And from my personal experience and that of hundreds of other therapists, adding in body-based strategies, takes results to a whole different level.

Shrinklady

Should I force myself to stick with the deep work when I'm not ready?

Shrinklady says:

Oh for sure Sammie. I have had clients experience this distortion in their perception. For example, they might see me farther away. Some folks have felt as if they were taller or shorter and others have felt disconnected to certain body areas….like for example, their arm feels unattached.

Hey, just curious..in talking about crisis/freeze mode do you think it’s possible for someone to pass out in a session? I mean obviously if someone has health issues or high anxieties, it could lead to other complications like a heart attack or passing out, but I mean just stress related?

I’m a pretty healthy gal and I was in one of my therapy sessions with my therapist and we were getting into some deep therapy work and instead of “running” with the flight/fight response, I forced myself to stick out the session and pretty much the whole session, I was in freeze mode.

I’m aware now that what I was feeling was very much dissociation during that time, but I have never felt out of that strong. It was like everything in the room was far away and at one point my vision went a little foggy.

Ever had this happen to a client?

Sammie


And feeling foggy is very common with my clients.

Generally speaking, if the dissociation surfaces in the session, we get the fogginess or distortion out of the way BEFORE we move on. That’s the priority. The nervous system learns much better in the Zone.

Next time…I'd just go with how you're feeling in the moment and ease off on yourself. Cause forcing yourself to "stick it out" often backs up the system and then when you least expect it, it'll bite you in the butt! (As it seems to have done for you by pulling you into fogginess.)

Hope you’ve recovered and are safely back in the Zone!

Shrinklady

P.S. These are the type of things I teach in the BCP…getting more from therapy.

How to get out of "what's the use"

Shrinklady says:

Hi Tina, yes, I would agree that kind of thinking of “what’s the use” is often coming from “overload”… one way of describing a freeze mode.

When we’ve been trying so hard, as you have been, it’s very tempting to do more of the same particularly during those times when we feel some of our energy returning. We automatically revert to what we’ve always done i.e. trying harder.

Sounds great how do I get to stay away from whats the use…is that overload or just frustration fro doing all the hard work and not seeing my efforts come to fruition.

Tina

https://budurl.me/MoreFromTherapy


The problem with “trying harder’ when we’re still coming out of freeze mode though is that we risk being pushed deep into a helpless state where we feel victimized as if something is being done to us. I might suggest an alternative strategy.

Indeed, it might not be in the “trying” where the real problem is located, rather there might not be enough active engagement in the process (of either being in therapy or in your life circumstance – I wasn’t quite sure what circumstance were referring to above).

And…to be fully engaged in the process requires a presence of mind. Unfortunately, we come full circle because being in freeze mode makes being present even more of a challenge.

The alternative to “trying hard” is in “letting go” but not in the usual sense of “thinking” your way there. Coming out of freeze mode requires something quite different than coming out of crisis mode.

I hope that gives you some food for thought Tina.

Shrinklady

How to get out of freeze mode

This is very interesting stuff to think about. So I just realized why I couldn’t get anything out last session – I was in freeze mode. So how do you get back into your comfort zone? Do you wait until you feel normal again or what? If I go to next session in freeze/crisis, then what’s the point in being?

According to the neuroscience you talk about, starting in freeze/crisis won’t allow the brain to make any changes.

blackmangopit


Shrinklady says:

Thanks for your question. Yes there are strategies for getting back into the Zone.

If you have an “attuned” therapist, he or she can help you get back into the Zone. Sometimes it takes more than one session of course particularly if you are in Freeze Mode.

As I mentioned in the movie, it’s how your therapist helps you “contain” your emotions where real change occurs. Repeatedly, this experience of moving through our emotions and back into the Zone helps us to better manage stress and emotions.

You suggested that you might be in Crisis mode at times. Well, that’s actually a perfect place to begin change. So don’t hesitate to show up in therapy feeling like a train wreck!

Freeze requires a slightly different approach – there’s some really exciting things to learn about that. It’ll amaze you – it certainly did me. I know that doesn’t give you all the answers. (It’s what I cover in the Brain Coaching Program.)

Hope that helps a bit.

Shrinklady

blackmangopit replied:

Yes, it does help immensely. I realized I am being too hard on myself and was thinking my inability to communicate during the session was because there is something wrong with me. But if it’s a biological response to deep issues, it’s more acceptable to deal with. I look forward to learning more! Thank you for having such a thorough website with so much info.



How to heal my original injuries with Mom and Dad?

Shrinklady says:

Yes that’s what we seem to do Sky. We act out our stuff through our relationships. The more aware or conscious we become, the easier it is to recognize the pattern and see how we’re playing out the dynamics. We’re just like kids in that regard. Of course, it’s easier to see the acting out in kids.

Then of course, we need to change the pattern (which as you know is what I talk about in the BCP.) And now that we have a better idea on how the brain is organized, it’s clear that the most efficient way of doing that is through ‘experience’. That’s

I heard the brain works like the photographic process of “develop, stop bath, fixing bath.” When under stress, the chemicals needed to make a permanent memory (fixer bath) are lacking, so children cannot learn under stress.

Then as an adult, those memories needed for healthy living are not present.

So I “subconsciously” choose “bad” relationships/situations to re-create what I failed to learn as a child, hoping for a better outcome somehow.

The problem is that the person I’m re-creating with is NOT my mom or dad or siblings, so the lesson is doomed to failure.

I’m told that my only hope is in going deep within myself and healing those original injuries. How? By looking at myself as a young person when I had those feelings, and looking at myself now as an adult. And it takes practice, which sounds like work, but as I find success in this process, I find more and more joy in the attempt to heal.

Thanks for listening. Love in Sobriety,

Pam Pratt


why relationships, be they romantic or otherwise, can be potentially healing. In the case of romantic relationships, the problem is, things can take a long time if we don’t know what the brain requires in order to change it.

I’m so pleased you’re putting the ideas in the BCP to practice.

Thanks for your comment,

Shrinklady

Sky responded:

Hi Prattpamela and Shrinklady,

Some friends and I were discussing this just the other night. They were adamant it was the only way. I am not 100% sure, though it does appear to make sense. I had the same problems with relationships until I stopped having a relationships altogether (romantic ones).

It happened too many times in the end. A sudden realization of the banging your head against a brick wall syndrome. Perhaps not so sudden!

What do you think Shrinklady? Is this, somehow, a variation on your theme (BCP)? I can almost bend it to make it so – with a good deal of bending!

I am sticking with you. Although its a slow process it seems to be working for me, covering pretty much all my problems and hangups, and helping lots.

Sky


Hands down the best approach

Shrinklady says:

Thanks Kaner for sharing your therapy experience with us. That’s a great testimonial for a brainwise approach. (It echoed my personal experience to a tee.)

Getting the word out has been quite a challenge. So, I’m doubly pleased to read your comment.

For years there’s been a wall of silence from therapists about these ideas. Thankfully, things are changing and there appears to be more openness about using the brainwise strategies.

Shrinklady

Thank you for setting a standard for healthy therapy. These concepts that you are describing about neuroscience sound like a combination of somatic experiencing, and the work of Peter Levine and others in the field.

I have to say that for the past 3 years I have been working with a therapist who has had SE training, and using the theory you describe. Prior to this I have had 15 years of traditional psychotherapy with an excellent psychologist. Hands down- “The new method wins” It was never a competition- It is the way the brain works, processes emotions and heals itself. It has taken me a while to “buy in” to this train of thought but I am seeing results from years of dissociation and responses to trauma.

Thanks for sharing. I hope many people can hear and see that there are other methods to wellness that heal.

Sincerely,

Kaner, client/therapist


Should I find another therapist?

Shrinklady says:

Hi Monica, yes, I don’t think these ideas haven’t reached most therapists. Not only that, they might not have the resources to help clients calm down.

And yes it’s hard finding a therapist you feel “gets” you and “loves” you.

I’ve only had one therapist like that. Even when I think of her, my heart starts to warm up. She’s a resource long after our work ended. She saw who I was underneath my stuff and I could feel her love.

Here’s the thing, we need to access feelings in order to change them (at least that’s the fastest most effective way we know at this point).

So, how can you access deeply rooted feelings if you can’t trust your therapist? How can you take emotional risks if you feel your angst won’t be contained? (I’ve got tips in my BCP )

These are probably good subjects to bring up in your therapy but of course they

I am excited about this series. I love learning new things. While I was listening to the slides, I evaluated my current therapy experience. I have been in therapy for a year now and don’t feel that I have made much progress.

I don’t think my therapist likes me very much. Sometimes we talk about difficult things and he just lets me leave his office.

He doesn’t help me to calm down or bring me back to center. I sometimes wonder if I should find another therapist.

Monica

https://budurl.me/Struggling


might a bit of a challenge to do so…that was always the hard part for me.

I wish you all the best in your work,

Shrinklady

How does your program work?

Shrinklady says:

Hi Susan, good questions. I can so appreciate your desire for specifics. Here’s what I can tell you.

Folks come into my practice wired or flat out. I help them move into different mind body states where they feel better. This approach differs from others in that I do it without the “talk” that usually goes on.

Clients learn to bring themselves into the present moment by working the energy in very specific ways. These strategies make up the bulk of the Program.

The change in clients over time is holistic. They might have come in for a help with

I really appreciate the explanations of the theory behind the program, but I don’t have a sense of the technique(s) for changing the nervous system. So while it seems good in theory, there hasn’t been a clear statement of how it can be changed, success rate, time frame for improvement, etc. I’m interested, but I’m not sure I should sign up.

None of the videos gave me a clear or specific example of interventions to accomplish this change. I’m not asking you to give away the program, but one concrete example would really help me out.

Susan


a specific symptom and find that this work takes them to a different level. Not only do they get symptom relief in that area but other areas of their life starts to change for the better. They experience relief in all aspects of their lives.

Because once you know how the nervous system works naturally you get to know how it gets to work within yourself and then you can make the changes that change your life. It’s about getting smarter about how the brain works…working with it, not against its own rhythm.

Hope that helps,

Shrinklady

My therapist won't change

I have been going under the assumption that the body/mind path you use is fairly mainstream and assumed my therapist was aware of it and its benefits.

Is this being practiced by a lot of therapists in the US that you know of, or is it relatively new?

I don’t think my therapist has a clue about this path. I’m not sure she cares to sway from her beaten path, since she is fairly close to retirement. It’s all about talk.

I have brought up the multiple issues in therapy that I have discussed on your Web site and it is all minimized. I am in a better position than when I started therapy, but I really feel it’s only because so much time has passed since the occurrence of the traumas that brought me there. Not because of the interaction that occurred in sessions. I feel let down, because I think there can be more.


Shrinklady says:

Hi Nancy, I’m sorry to hear your therapist hasn’t responded openly to these ideas. Your therapist – like many others – have been fairly resistant to these ideas even in the face of solid neuroscience that supports them. Indeed, there are well respected leaders in the field that continue to face strong resistance among therapists – even though they might receive standing ovations at conferences for their tireless work!

I’m continually amazed how a so-called “forward thinking” group such as psychotherapists who are usually known as champions for personal growth and change, do not consider it equally important for themselves.

I made the decision long time ago that it was easier to go directly to the public. In this way, hopefully and ultimately, consumers will change the status quo with their pocket book. In other words, savvy consumers will recognize the cost/benefit advantages offered by brain-wise therapists.

It’s interesting Nancy that your therapist keeps referencing your age. I thought possibly – given that she nears retirement – she might actually be speaking of herself and her own reluctance to embracing change. You’ve asked the right question and one that I’d be tempted to ask her: Yes, why would age stop anyone from a better experience!

Shrinklady

P.S. The easiest way to find a brain-wise therapist – although there are no guarantees – is to look in the directories for a body psychotherapist.

Because of your work, I am moving on. My therapist keeps reminding me of my age. Why would that stop someone from a better experience?

Thanks!

Nancy


What model are you using?

Shrinklady says:

Hi Scott, I wish I could say I came up with them on my own. The ideas are from neuroscience and the clinical practices of body psychotherapists.

I’ve translated some conceptual ideas to make them more user-friendly but the science behind them is solid and based on the works of these leaders in the field:

◊ Allan Schore (e.g. Affect Regulation of the Self)

◊ Bessel van der Kolk (e.g. Traumatic Stress)

◊ Robert Scaer (e.g. The Trauma Spectrum)

◊ Dan Siegel (e.g. Mindsight)

◊ Stephen Porges (e.g. The Polyvagal Theory)

◊ Jim Grigsby (The Neurobiology of Personality)

◊ Bonnie Badenoch (The Brain Wise Therapist)

◊ Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing)

◊ Pat Ogden (Sensorimotor Psychotherapy)

◊ Roz Carroll (Body Psychotherapy – UK)

The field lacks a name. The closest name that captures the model might be Regulation Theory (my preference) So far, no one label has stuck.

Thanks for asking,

Shrinklady

Where did you get these ideas? Have you come up with them on your own? I’m a licensed psychologist, and I have never seen this model before?

Scott


Sara B. replied:

I listened to a 9 part CD series by Daniel Seigel called “The Neurobiology of We”, and he uses the term “Interpersonal Neurobiology” to describe the field, if not the model. I think it’s fascinating and I love the way you are personalizing it and putting it all into understandable bytes. Because even though I may be able to understand the concepts at an intellectual level, that certainly doesn’t mean I automatically can change my own neurobiology. That’s why I’m looking for every resource possible and I appreciate your program. I’m looking forward to finding out more about how to take active steps towards creating change for myself. Thanks!

How does the therapist keep the client in the Zone?

Shrinklady says:

Hi Caroline, definitely the therapist needs to take an active role in this case. And he or she also should be checking in with you.

However, the more you know about checking in with yourself, the more you can verbalize this to your therapist.

There are lots of strategies that make it crystal clear when we’re going outside the zone. That’s one of the areas in my Brain Coaching Program that I’m working on.

Shrinklady

This is really good stuff. I didn’t know that staying in the ‘zone’ is the best way to learn. But how does the therapist keep the client in the zone? what things can the therapist say to make this happen?

Caroline


How does the therapist "soothe" the client?

Shrinklady says:

Hi S.J.C., it sounds like you’re not getting what you need in your therapy and you’re starting to second guess yourself. It’s reasonable to expect your therapist to directly address your need for self-soothing and to check in with you until you’re feeling better.

In doing so, your nervous system will learn to feel safe and comforted – not just in therapy but outside as well.

Thanks for your question,

Shrinklady

I think I understand the concept of the therapist ”soothing” a client’s nervous system. Do you think that this occurs in a non-conscious way, with the client subliminally perceiving what the therapist does?

My therapist does not verbalize very much and I am sometimes left waiting for the ”soothing” which does not seem to be happening. Am I just not able to perceive their caring?

I wonder if I am resisting being soothed because I do not really trust the therapist.

What do you think?

S.J.C.


Learning on the edge of the Zone

Shrinklady says:

Hi Sasa, yes I can see that it might be confusing. It might be helpful if I explain it this way…

Sometimes we challenge ourselves and it makes us feel uncomfortable. Like what I’m doing now is challenging for me. I’m putting my movies out there. If I had done this last year – truthfully, I’d be a basket case. However, the work I’ve been doing on myself has gotten me to this place so I can step out some more.

You don’t want to feel so uncomfortable that you’re overwhelmed. When we’re in ‘overwhelm’ we don’t think straight.

Not all learning has to occur on the edge. I’m just saying that if you happen to be on the edge, it's an opportunity for deeper change. I prefer ‘inside the zone change’ for myself. It takes a little longer but I feel less like I’ve just jumped into cold water. I hate that feeling!

I hope that clarifies it a little more,

Shrinklady

Am needing some clarification… At one time early on you say that the brain learns best on the edge of our comfort zone. Later you emphasize several times that the brain learns best within the comfort zone. I believe it is the latter rather than the former… need clarification~

Thank you! Am enjoying the video~ Sara


How do you tell you're on the edge of the Zone?

Shrinklady says:

Hi Nancy, yes, there are a few things the movie didn’t get to. I feel like I could do several more movies…

Here’s the thing. We can tell we’re on the edge of our zone through our body. This takes practice but I show you how to do this in my Brain Coaching Program.

And not all learning needs to occur on the edge – I wouldn’t want to be in school feeling this way for example!

And you actually don’t need to worry about going into your therapy session feeling out of the zone.

Amazing. If we learn the most on the brink, or edge, of the zone, how do we stay in that place longer to learn the most? What can we do to get into the zone before going to session? I would think it may be harder to be in the zone if you are always going directly from work.

Containment in therapy interests me because I leave therapy distraught, and as I try to make sense of it I become frazzled and I run it through my head for days as I try to come to some conclusion about what happened. It takes a lot of energy. I spend half my time between appointments wondering if its just me, am I doing it wrong, should I go quit, or should I look for another therapist.

I think its so cool that you are helping us to better understand how our minds work so we can participate more effectively in the process.

Thank you for your energy and excitement!

Nancy



In fact, I tell my clients to come in especially when they’re feeling crappy (i.e. out of the zone).

You see, hopefully with the help of your therapist he or she will get you back into the zone by the end of the session. That’s how the nervous system changes – through experience. Over time, your nervous system learns this.

However, not every therapist knows how to help clients get back into the zone. I teach how to do this in the BCP, and include some tools you can use outside of your sessions.

Thanks for your question,

Shrinklady

How does the therapist know you're on the edge of the Zone?

Hello, Shrinklady,

How does a therapist figure out where the border is between comfort zone and crisis? If the best learning takes place on the border, don’t we need to hang out there for a period of time within the session? How much time is too much?

In my therapy, sometimes I get insight and I am able to process the emotion, and sometimes it takes a couple of sessions to do this. If this happens, I will often feel in the crisis zone for a long period of time – until I resolve what is triggering the emotion.

Thanks for the video – it is very good and you are a clear communicator as well as conveying instant warmth and caring. Lisa


Shrinklady says:

Hi Lisa, a therapist needs your help in order to tell where the edge is and/or whether you’re feeling outside the zone. The more a therapist is in her body, the easier it is for her to tell this automatically. That would be a really attuned therapist.

I check in regularly with my clients. A client might be talking about something that I think might be troubling for her however there might not be any visible signs that it is so. If I didn’t check in, I wouldn’t have a clue. If she just continued to talk over top of this emotional turmoil, we’d lose that big opportunity for changing the brain.

One thing that I’ve noticed is that as I’ve become more in my body, I’m able to pick up on emotional distress faster. But I miss it all the time too. That’s why it’s so essential to pause and check in.

And by the way, hanging out on the edge for a whole session would be really hard. It probably wouldn’t be good for the nervous system either – too draining for most people and especially if there was no resolution at the end - then what would be the point.

As I am writing this, I can imagine you might have more questions. These are the type of questions I’ll get into in my program.

I hope it helped to clarify some of your questions Lisa,

Best,

Shrinklady

Here’s more info on the BCP:

◊ Overcome Emotional Overload Video

◊ Master Your Transference in the BCP

https://budurl.me/EmotionalOverloadVideo

https://budurl.me/transferences3

Documents

How to Move In & Out of the Comfort Zone€¦ · How to move in and out of Comfort Zone? Shrinklady says: Oh you’re welcome Rose. Music therapy eh…that’s wonderful….love the