CONTENTS

CoverAbouttheAuthorAlsobyDaleCarnegieTitlePageDedicationPrefacetorevisededitionHowthisbookwaswritten–andwhyNinesuggestionsonhowtogetthemostoutofthisbook

PARTONE:FUNDAMENTALTECHNIQUESINHANDLINGPEOPLE1‘IfYouWanttoGatherHoney,Don’tKickOvertheBeehive’2TheBigSecretofDealingwithPeople3‘HeWhoCanDoThisHastheWholeWorldwithHim.HeWhoCannotWalksaLonelyWay’

PARTTWO:SIXWAYSTOMAKEPEOPLELIKEYOU1DoThisandYou’llBeWelcomeAnywhere2ASimpleWaytoMakeaGoodFirstImpression3IfYouDon’tDoThis,YouAreHeadedforTrouble4AnEasyWaytoBecomeaGoodConversationalist5HowtoInterestPeople6HowtoMakePeopleLikeYouInstantly

PARTTHREE:HOWTOWINPEOPLETOYOURWAYOFTHINKING1YouCan’tWinanArgument2ASureWayofMakingEnemies–andHowtoAvoidIt3IfYou’reWrong,AdmitIt4ADropofHoney5TheSecretofSocrates6TheSafetyValveinHandlingComplaints7HowtoGetCooperation8AFormulaThatWillWorkWondersforYou9WhatEverybodyWants10AnAppealThatEverybodyLikes11TheMoviesDoIt.TVDoesIt.WhyDon’tYouDoIt?12WhenNothingElseWorks,TryThis

PARTFOUR:BEALEADER:HOWTOCHANGEPEOPLEWITHOUTGIVINGOFFENCEORAROUSINGRESENTMENT

1IfYouMustFindFault,ThisIstheWaytoBegin2HowtoCriticise–andNotBeHatedforIt3TalkAboutYourOwnMistakesFirst4NoOneLikestoTakeOrders5LettheOtherPersonSaveFace6HowtoSpurPeopleOntoSuccess7GiveaDogaGoodName8MaketheFaultSeemEasytoCorrect9MakingPeopleGladtoDoWhatYouWant

AShortcuttoDistinctionCopyright

AbouttheAuthor

DaleCarnegie,knownas‘thearch-priestoftheartofmakingfriends’,pioneeredthe development of personal business skills, self-confidence and motivationaltechniques.Hisbooks–mostnotablyHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople–have sold tensofmillionsworldwideand,even in today’schangingclimate,theyremainaspopularasever.

BythesameauthorHowtoDevelopSelf-confidenceandInfluencePeoplebyPublicSpeakingHowtoEnjoyYourLifeandYourJobHowtoStopWorryingandStartLivingTheQuickandEasyWaytoEffectiveSpeaking

Thisbookisdedicatedtoamanwhodoesn’tneedtoreadit:mycherishedfriendHomerCroy

EIGHTTHINGSTHISBOOKWILLHELPYOUACHIEVE

Getoutofamentalrut,thinknewthoughts,acquirenewvisions,discovernewambitions.

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Makefriendsquicklyandeasily.

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Increaseyourpopularity.

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Winpeopletoyourwayofthinking.

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Increaseyourinfluence,yourprestige,yourabilitytogetthingsdone.

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Handlecomplaints,avoidarguments,keepyourhumancontactssmoothandpleasant.

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Becomeabetterspeaker,amoreentertainingconversationalist.

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Arouseenthusiasmamongyourassociates.

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Thisbookhasdoneallthesethingsformorethantenmillionreadersinthirty-sixlanguages.

How to win Friends and Influence People was first published in 1937 in aneditionofonlyfivethousandcopies.NeitherDaleCarnegienorthepublishers,SimonandSchuster,anticipatedmorethanthismodestsale.Totheiramazement,thebookbecameanovernightsensation,andeditionaftereditionrolledoffthepressestokeepupwiththeincreasingpublicdemand.HowtoWinFriendsandInfluence People took its place in publishing history as one of the all-timeinternational bestsellers. It touched a nerve and filled a human need that wasmore thana faddishphenomenonofpost-Depressiondays,asevidencedby itscontinuedanduninterruptedsalesintotheeighties,almosthalfacenturylater.

DaleCarnegieusedtosaythatitwaseasiertomakeamilliondollarsthanto put a phrase into the English language.How toWin Friends and InfluencePeople became such a phrase, quoted, paraphrased, parodied, used ininnumerable contexts from political cartoon to novels. The book itself wastranslated into almost every known written language. Each generation hasdiscovereditanewandhasfounditrelevant.

Whichbringsustothelogicalquestion:Whyreviseabookthathasprovenand continues to prove its vigorous and universal appeal? Why tamper withsuccess?

Toanswer that,wemust realise thatDaleCarnegiehimselfwasa tirelessreviserofhisownworkduringhislifetime.HowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeoplewaswrittentobeusedasatextbookforhiscoursesinEffectiveSpeakingandHumanRelationsandisstillusedinthosecoursestoday.Untilhisdeathin1955heconstantlyimprovedandrevisedthecourseitselftomakeitapplicableto theevolvingneedsofanevergrowingpublic.Noonewasmoresensitive tothe changing currents of present-day life than Dale Carnegie. He constantlyimprovedandrefinedhismethodsofteaching;heupdatedhisbookonEffectiveSpeakingseveraltimes.Hadhelivedlonger,hehimselfwouldhaverevisedHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeopletobetterreflectthechangesthathavetakenplaceintheworldsincethethirties.

Manyofthenamesofprominentpeopleinthebook,wellknownatthetimeoffirstpublication,arenolongerrecognisedbymanyoftoday’sreaders.Certainexamplesandphrasesseemasquaintanddatedinoursocialclimateasthoseina Victorian novel. The important message and overall impact of the book is

weakenedtothatextent.Ourpurpose,therefore,inthisrevisionistoclarifyandstrengthenthebook

foramodernreaderwithouttamperingwiththecontent.Wehavenot‘changed’HowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeopleexcept tomakea fewexcisionsandadd a fewmore contemporary examples. The brash, breezy Carnegie style isintact–eventhethirtiesslangisstillthere.DaleCarnegiewroteashespoke,inanintensivelyexuberant,colloquial,conversationalmanner.

Sohisvoicestillspeaksasforcefullyasever,inthebookandinhiswork.ThousandsofpeopleallovertheworldarebeingtrainedinCarnegiecoursesinincreasing numbers each year. And other thousands are reading and studyingHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeopleandbeinginspiredtouseitsprinciplesto better their lives. To all of them,we offer this revision in the spirit of thehoningandpolishingofafinelymadetool.

DorothyCarnegie(Mrs.DaleCarnegie)

Duringthefirstthirty-fiveyearsofthetwentiethcentury,thepublishinghousesofAmericaprintedmorethanafifthofamilliondifferentbooks.Mostofthemwere deadly dull, and many were financial failures. ‘Many,’ did I say? Thepresidentofoneof the largestpublishinghouses in theworldconfessed tomethat his company, after seventy-five years of publishing experience, still lostmoneyonsevenoutofeveryeightbooksitpublished.

Why,then,didIhavethetemeritytowriteanotherbook?And,afterIhadwrittenit,whyshouldyoubothertoreadit?

Fairquestions,both;andI’lltrytoanswerthem.I have, since1912, been conducting educational courses for business and

professional men and women in New York. At first, I conducted courses inpublicspeakingonly–coursesdesignedtotrainadults,byactualexperience,tothinkontheirfeetandexpresstheirideaswithmoreclarity,moreeffectivenessandmorepoise,bothinbusinessinterviewsandbeforegroups.

Butgradually,astheseasonspassed,Irealisedthatassorelyastheseadultsneededtrainingineffectivespeaking,theyneededstillmoretraininginthefineartofgettingalongwithpeopleineverydaybusinessandsocialcontacts.

IalsograduallyrealisedthatIwassorelyinneedofsuchtrainingmyself.AsIlookbackacrosstheyears,Iamappalledatmyownfrequentlackoffinesseandunderstanding.HowIwishabooksuchasthishadbeenplacedinmyhandstwentyyearsago!Whatapricelessboonitwouldhavebeen.

Dealingwithpeopleisprobablythebiggestproblemyouface,especiallyifyouareinbusiness.Yes,andthatisalsotrueifyouareahousewife,architectorengineer. Research done a few years ago under the auspices of the CarnegieFoundation for theAdvancementofTeachinguncoveredamost importantandsignificant fact – a fact later confirmed by additional studies made at theCarnegieInstituteofTechnology.Theseinvestigationsrevealedthateveninsuchtechnicallinesasengineering,about15percentofone’sfinancialsuccessisdueto one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in humanengineering–topersonalityandtheabilitytoleadpeople.

Formanyyears,IconductedcourseseachseasonattheEngineers’Clubof

Philadelphia, and also courses for the New York Chapter of the AmericanInstituteofElectricalEngineers.Atotalofprobablymore thanfifteenhundredengineershavepassed throughmyclasses.Theycame tomebecause theyhadfinallyrealised,afteryearsofobservationandexperience, that thehighest-paidpersonnel in engineering are frequently not those who know the most aboutengineering.One can, for example, hiremere technical ability in engineering,accountancy, architecture or any other profession at nominal salaries. But thepersonwhohastechnicalknowledgeplustheabilitytoexpressideas,toassumeleadership,andtoarouseenthusiasmamongpeople–thatpersonisheadedforhigherearningpower.

In theheydayof his activity, JohnD.Rockefeller said that ‘the ability todealwithpeopleisaspurchasableacommodityassugarorcoffee.’‘AndIwillpaymoreforthatability,’saidJohnD.,‘thanforanyotherunderthesun.’

Wouldn’tyousupposethateverycollegeinthelandwouldconductcoursesto develop the highest-priced ability under the sun? But if there is just onepractical,common-sensecourseofthatkindgivenforadultsinevenonecollegeintheland,ithasescapedmyattentionuptothepresentwriting.

TheUniversityofChicagoand theUnitedY.M.C.A.Schoolsconductedasurveytodeterminewhatadultswanttostudy.

That surveycost$25,000and took twoyears.The last part of the surveywasmade inMeriden,Connecticut. It had been chosen as a typicalAmericantown. Every adult in Meriden was interviewed and requested to answer 156questions – questions such as ‘What is your business or profession? Youreducation? How do you spend your spare time?What is your income? Yourhobbies?Yourambitions?Yourproblems?Whatsubjectsareyoumostinterestedinstudying?’Andsoon.Thatsurveyrevealedthathealthistheprimeinterestofadults–andthattheirsecondinterestispeople;howtounderstandandgetalongwithpeople;howtomakepeoplelikeyou;andhowtowinotherstoyourwayofthinking.

Sothecommitteeconductingthissurveyresolvedtoconductsuchacourseforadults inMeriden.Theysearcheddiligently forapractical textbookon thesubject and found – not one. Finally they approached one of the world’soutstandingauthoritiesonadulteducationandaskedhimifheknewofanybookthatmet the needs of this group. ‘No,’ he replied, ‘I knowwhat those adultswant.Butthebooktheyneedhasneverbeenwritten.’

Iknewfromexperiencethatthisstatementwastrue,forImyselfhadbeensearching for years to discover a practical, working handbook on humanrelations.

Since no such book existed, I have tried towrite one for use inmy own

courses.Andhereitis.Ihopeyoulikeit.In preparation for this book, I read everything that I could find on the

subject–everythingfromnewspapercolumns,magazinearticles,recordsofthefamilycourts,thewritingsoftheoldphilosophersandthenewpsychologists.Inaddition, I hired a trained researcher to spend one and a half years in variouslibraries reading everything I hadmissed, ploughing through erudite tomes onpsychology, poring over hundreds of magazine articles, searching throughcountlessbiographies, trying toascertainhow thegreat leadersofall ageshaddealtwithpeople.Wereadtheirbiographies.Wereadthelifestoriesofallgreatleaders from Julius Caesar to Thomas Edison. I recall that we read over onehundredbiographiesofTheodoreRooseveltalone.Weweredeterminedtosparenotime,noexpense,todiscovereverypracticalideathatanyonehadeverusedthroughouttheagesforwinningfriendsandinfluencingpeople.

Ipersonallyinterviewedscoresofsuccessfulpeople,someofthemworld-famous– inventors likeMarconiandEdison;political leaders likeFranklinD.RooseveltandJamesFarley;businessleaderslikeOwenD.Young;moviestarslikeClarkGable andMaryPickford; andexplorers likeMartin Johnson– andtriedtodiscoverthetechniquestheyusedinhumanrelations.

From all this material, I prepared a short talk. I called it ‘How to WinFriendsandInfluencePeople.’Isay‘short.’Itwasshortinthebeginning,butitsoon expanded to a lecture that consumed one hour and thirty minutes. Foryears,IgavethistalkeachseasontotheadultsintheCarnegieInstitutecoursesinNewYork.

Igavethetalkandurgedthelistenerstogooutandtestitintheirbusinessand social contacts, and then come back to class and speak about theirexperiencesandtheresultstheyhadachieved.Whataninterestingassignment!Thesemen and women, hungry for self-improvement, were fascinated by theideaofworking in anewkindof laboratory– the first andonly laboratoryofhumanrelationshipsforadultsthathadeverexisted.

Thisbookwasn’twrittenintheusualsenseoftheword.Itgrewasachildgrows. It grewanddevelopedout of that laboratory, out of the experiencesofthousandsofadults.

Yearsago,westartedwithasetofrulesprintedonacardnolargerthanapostcard.Thenextseasonweprintedalargercard,thenaleaflet,thenaseriesofbooklets, each one expanding in size and scope. After fifteen years ofexperimentandresearchcamethisbook.

Theruleswehavesetdownherearenotmeretheoriesorguesswork.Theywork likemagic. Incredible as it sounds, I have seen the application of theseprinciplesliterallyrevolutionisethelivesofmanypeople.

To illustrate:Amanwith314employees joinedoneof thesecourses.Foryears,hehaddrivenandcriticisedandcondemnedhisemployeeswithoutstintordiscretion.Kindness,wordsofappreciationandencouragementwerealientohis lips. After studying the principles discussed in this book, this employersharply altered his philosophy of life.His organisation is now inspiredwith anew loyalty, a new enthusiasm, a new spirit of teamwork. Three hundred andfourteen enemies have been turned into 314 friends. As he proudly said in aspeechbeforetheclass:‘WhenIusedtowalkthroughmyestablishment,noonegreetedme.My employees actually looked the other waywhen they sawmeapproaching.Butnowtheyareallmyfriendsandeven the janitorcallsmebymyfirstname.’

This employer gained more profit, more leisure and – what is infinitelymoreimportant–hefoundfarmorehappinessinhisbusinessandinhishome.

Countlessnumbersofsalespeoplehavesharplyincreasedtheirsalesbytheuseoftheseprinciples.Manyhaveopenedupnewaccounts–accountsthattheyhadformerlysolicited invain.Executiveshavebeengivenincreasedauthority,increased pay. One executive reported a large increase in salary because heapplied these truths. Another, an executive in the Philadelphia Gas WorksCompany, was slated for demotion when he was sixty-five because of hisbelligerence,becauseofhis inability to leadpeopleskillfully.This trainingnotonlysavedhimfromthedemotionbutbroughthimapromotionwithincreasedpay.

Oninnumerableoccasions,spousesattendingthebanquetgivenattheendofthecoursehavetoldmethattheirhomeshavebeenmuchhappiersincetheirhusbandsorwivesstartedthistraining.

People are frequently astonished at the new results they achieve. It allseemslikemagic.Insomecases,intheirenthusiasm,theyhavetelephonedmeatmyhomeonSundaysbecausetheycouldn’twaitforty-eighthourstoreportontheirachievementsattheregularsessionofthecourse.

Onemanwassostirredbyatalkontheseprinciplesthathesatfarintothenightdiscussing themwithothermembersof theclass.At threeo’clock in themorning,theotherswenthome.Buthewassoshakenbyarealisationofhisownmistakes,soinspiredbythevistaofanewandricherworldopeningbeforehim,thathewasunabletosleep.Hedidn’tsleepthatnightorthenextdayorthenextnight.

Whowas he?A naïve, untrained individual ready to gush over any newtheorythatcamealong?No.Farfromit.Hewasasophisticated,blasédealerinart,verymuchthemanabouttown,whospokethreelanguagesfluentlyandwasagraduateoftwoEuropeanuniversities.

While writing this chapter, I received a letter from a German of the oldschool,anaristocratwhoseforebearshadservedforgenerationsasprofessionalarmy officers under theHohenzollerns. His letter, written from a transatlanticsteamer, telling about the application of these principles, rose almost to areligiousfervor.

Anotherman,anoldNewYorker,aHarvardgraduate,awealthyman,theownerofalargecarpetfactory,declaredhehadlearnedmoreinfourteenweeksthroughthissystemof trainingabout thefineartof influencingpeople thanhehad learned about the same subject during his four years in college. Absurd?Laughable? Fantastic?Of course, you are privileged to dismiss this statementwithwhatever adjectiveyouwish. I ammerely reporting,without comment, adeclarationmadebyaconservativeandeminentlysuccessfulHarvardgraduateinapublicaddresstoapproximatelysixhundredpeopleattheYaleClubinNewYorkontheeveningofThursday,February23,1933.

‘Compared to what we ought to be,’ said the famous ProfessorWilliamJamesofHarvard,‘comparedtowhatweoughttobe,weareonlyhalfawake.Wearemakinguseofonly a smallpartofourphysical andmental resources.Stating the thingbroadly, thehuman individual thus lives farwithinhis limits.Hepossessespowersofvarioussortswhichhehabituallyfailstouse.’

Thosepowerswhichyou‘habituallyfail touse’!Thesolepurposeof thisbook is tohelpyoudiscover,developandprofitby thosedormantandunusedassets.

‘Education,’ said Dr. John G. Hibben, former president of PrincetonUniversity,‘istheabilitytomeetlife’ssituations.’

Ifbythetimeyouhavefinishedreadingthefirstthreechaptersofthisbook–ifyouaren’tthenalittlebetterequippedtomeetlife’ssituations,thenIshallconsiderthisbooktobeatotalfailuresofarasyouareconcerned.For‘thegreataimofeducation,’saidHerbertSpencer,‘isnotknowledgebutaction.’

Andthisisanactionbook.DaleCarnegie1936

NINESUGGESTIONSONHOWTOGETTHEMOSTOUTOFTHISBOOK

1.Ifyouwishtoget themostoutof thisbook, there isoneindispensablerequirement, one essential infinitely more important than any rule ortechnique.Unlessyouhavethisonefundamentalrequisite,athousandruleson how to study will avail little. And if you do have this cardinalendowment,thenyoucanachievewonderswithoutreadinganysuggestionsforgettingthemostoutofabook.

What is this magic requirement? Just this: a deep, driving desire tolearn,avigorousdeterminationtoincreaseyourabilitytodealwithpeople.

Howcanyoudevelopsuchanurge?Byconstantlyremindingyourselfhow important these principles are to you. Picture to yourself how theirmasterywillaidyouinleadingaricher,fuller,happierandmorefulfillinglife.Saytoyourselfoverandover:‘Mypopularity,myhappinessandsenseofworthdependtonosmallextentuponmyskillindealingwithpeople.’

2.Readeachchapterrapidlyatfirsttogetabird’s-eyeviewofit.Youwillprobablybetemptedthentorushontothenextone.Butdon’t–unlessyouare readingmerely for entertainment.But if you are readingbecause youwanttoincreaseyourskillinhumanrelations,thengobackandrereadeachchapterthoroughly.Inthelongrun,thiswillmeansavingtimeandgettingresults.

3.Stopfrequentlyinyourreadingtothinkoverwhatyouarereading.Askyourselfjusthowandwhenyoucanapplyeachsuggestion.

4. Read with a crayon, pencil, pen, magicmarker or highlighter in yourhand.Whenyoucomeacrossasuggestionthatyoufeelyoucanuse,drawalinebesideit.Ifitisafour-starsuggestion,thenunderscoreeverysentenceor highlight it, ormark itwith ‘****.’Marking and underscoring a bookmakesitmoreinteresting,andfareasiertoreviewrapidly.

5. I knew a woman who had been office manager for a large insuranceconcernforfifteenyears.Everymonth,shereadalltheinsurancecontractsher company had issued that month. Yes, she read many of the samecontracts over month after month, year after year. Why? Because

experiencehadtaughther that thatwas theonlywayshecouldkeeptheirprovisionsclearlyinmind.

IoncespentalmosttwoyearswritingabookonpublicspeakingandyetIfoundIhadtokeepgoingbackoveritfromtimetotimeinordertorememberwhatIhadwritteninmyownbook.Therapiditywithwhichweforgetisastonishing.

So, if youwant to get a real, lasting benefit out of this book, don’timagine that skimming through it once will suffice. After reading itthoroughly,yououghttospendafewhoursreviewingiteverymonth.Keepit on your desk in front of you every day.Glance through it often.Keepconstantly impressingyourselfwith the richpossibilities for improvementthatstilllieintheoffing.Rememberthattheuseoftheseprinciplescanbemade habitual only by a constant and vigorous campaign of review andapplication.Thereisnootherway.

6. Bernard Shaw once remarked: ‘If you teach a man anything, he willnever learn.’ Shawwas right. Learning is an active process.We learn bydoing. So, if you desire tomaster the principles you are studying in thisbook,dosomethingaboutthem.Applytheserulesateveryopportunity.Ifyoudon’tyouwillforgetthemquickly.Onlyknowledgethatisusedsticksinyourmind.

Youwill probably find it difficult to apply these suggestions all thetime. I know because I wrote the book, and yet frequently I found itdifficult to apply everything I advocated. For example, when you aredispleased, it ismuch easier to criticise and condemn than it is to try tounderstandtheotherperson’sviewpoint.Itisfrequentlyeasiertofindfaultthan to findpraise. It ismorenatural to talkaboutwhatyouwant than totalk aboutwhat the other personwants. And so on. So, as you read thisbook,rememberthatyouarenotmerelytryingtoacquireinformation.Youareattemptingtoformnewhabits.Ahyes,youareattemptinganewwayoflife.Thatwillrequiretimeandpersistenceanddailyapplication.

Sorefer to thesepagesoften.Regard thisasaworkinghandbookonhuman relations; and whenever you are confronted with some specificproblem– such as handling a child,winningyour spouse toyourwayofthinking, or satisfying an irritated customer – hesitate about doing thenatural thing, the impulsive thing.This is usuallywrong. Instead, turn tothese pages and review the paragraphs you have underscored. Then trythesenewwaysandwatchthemachievemagicforyou.

7. Offer your spouse, your child or some business associate a dime or adollareverytimeheorshecatchesyouviolatingacertainprinciple.Makealivelygameoutofmasteringtheserules.

8.ThepresidentofanimportantWallStreetbankoncedescribed,inatalkbefore one of my classes, a highly efficient system he used for self-improvement.Thismanhadlittleformalschooling;yethehadbecomeoneofthemostimportantfinanciersinAmerica,andheconfessedthatheowedmost of his success to the constant application of his homemade system.This iswhat he does. I’ll put it in his ownwords as accurately as I canremember.

‘For years I have kept an engagement book showing all theappointmentsIhadduringtheday.Myfamilynevermadeanyplansformeon Saturday night, for the family knew that I devoted a part of eachSaturday evening to the illuminating process of self-examination andreview and appraisal. After dinner I went off by myself, opened myengagement book, and thought over all the interviews, discussions andmeetingsthathadtakenplaceduringtheweek.Iaskedmyself:

‘“WhatmistakesdidImakethattime?”‘“What did I do that was right – and in what way could I have

improvedmyperformance?”‘“WhatlessonscanIlearnfromthatexperience?”‘Ioftenfound that thisweeklyreviewmademeveryunhappy. Iwas

frequentlyastonishedatmyownblunders.Ofcourse,as theyearspassed,these blunders became less frequent. Sometimes I was inclined to patmyselfonthebackalittleafteroneofthesesessions.Thissystemofself-analysis,self-education,continuedyearafteryear,didmoreformethananyotheronethingIhaveeverattempted.

‘Ithelpedmeimprovemyabilitytomakedecisions–anditaidedmeenormously in all my contacts with people. I cannot recommend it toohighly.’

Whynotuseasimilarsystemtocheckuponyourapplicationof theprinciplesdiscussedinthisbook?Ifyoudo,twothingswillresult.

First,youwillfindyourselfengagedinaneducationalprocessthatisbothintriguingandpriceless.

Second,youwill find that your ability tomeet anddealwithpeoplewillgrowenormously.

9.Youwillfindattheendofthisbookseveralblankpagesonwhichyou

should record your triumphs in the application of these principles. Bespecific.Givenames,dates,results.Keepingsucharecordwillinspireyouto greater efforts; and how fascinating these entries will be when youchanceuponthemsomeeveningyearsfromnow!

Inordertogetthemostoutofthisbook:a. Develop a deep, driving desire to master the principles of humanrelations.b.Readeachchaptertwicebeforegoingontothenextone.c. As you read, stop frequently to ask yourself how you can apply eachsuggestion.d.Underscoreeachimportantidea.e.Reviewthisbookeachmonth.f.Applytheseprinciplesateveryopportunity.Usethisvolumeasaworkinghandbooktohelpyousolveyourdailyproblems.g.Makealivelygameoutofyourlearningbyofferingsomefriendadimeor a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of theseprinciples.h.Checkupeachweekontheprogressyouaremaking.Askyourselfwhatmistakesyouhavemade,whatimprovement,whatlessonsyouhavelearnedforthefuture.i. Keep notes in the back of this book showing how and when you haveappliedtheseprinciples.

ONMAY7,1931,themostsensationalmanhuntNewYorkCityhadeverknownhadcometoitsclimax.Afterweeksofsearch,‘TwoGun’Crowley–thekiller,thegunmanwhodidn’tsmokeordrink–wasatbay,trappedinhissweetheart’sapartmentonWestEndAvenue.

Onehundredandfiftypolicemenanddetectiveslaidsiegetohistop-floorhideaway.Theychoppedholesintheroof;theytriedtosmokeoutCrowley,the‘copkiller,’withteargas.Thentheymountedtheirmachinegunsonsurroundingbuildings, and formore thananhouroneofNewYork’s fine residential areasreverberated with the crack of pistol fire and the rat-tat-tat ofmachine guns.Crowley,crouchingbehindanoverstuffedchair, fired incessantlyat thepolice.Ten thousandexcitedpeoplewatched thebattle.Nothing like it had everbeenseenbeforeonthesidewalksofNewYork.

When Crowley was captured, Police Commissioner E.P. Mulrooneydeclared that the two-gundesperadowas oneof themost dangerous criminalsever encountered in the history of New York. ‘He will kill,’ said theCommissioner,‘atthedropofafeather.’

Buthowdid‘TwoGun’Crowleyregardhimself?Weknow,becausewhilethepolicewerefiringintohisapartment,hewrotealetteraddressed‘Towhomitmay concern.’ And, as he wrote, the blood flowing from his wounds left acrimsontrailonthepaper.InthisletterCrowleysaid:‘Undermycoatisawearyheart,butakindone–onethatwoulddonobodyanyharm.’

Ashorttimebeforethis,CrowleyhadbeenhavinganeckingpartywithhisgirlfriendonacountryroadoutonLongIsland.Suddenlyapolicemanwalkeduptothecarandsaid:‘Letmeseeyourlicense.’

Withoutsayingaword,Crowleydrewhisgunandcutthepolicemandownwithashoweroflead.Asthedyingofficerfell,Crowleyleapedoutofthecar,grabbed theofficer’s revolver, and fired anotherbullet into theprostrate body.Andthatwasthekillerwhosaid:‘Undermycoatisawearyheart,butakindone–onethatwoulddonobodyanyharm.’

Crowleywassentenced to theelectricchair.Whenhearrivedat thedeath

house inSingSing,didhe say, ‘This iswhat Iget forkillingpeople’?No,hesaid:‘ThisiswhatIgetfordefendingmyself.’

Thepointofthestoryisthis:‘TwoGun’Crowleydidn’tblamehimselfforanything.

Isthatanunusualattitudeamongcriminals?Ifyouthinkso,listentothis:‘Ihavespentthebestyearsofmylifegivingpeoplethelighterpleasures,

helpingthemhaveagoodtime,andallIgetisabuse,theexistenceofahuntedman.’

That’sAlCaponespeaking.Yes,America’smostnotoriousPublicEnemy–themostsinistergangleaderwhoevershotupChicago.Caponedidn’tcondemnhimself.Heactuallyregardedhimselfasapublicbenefactor–anunappreciatedandmisunderstoodpublicbenefactor.

AndsodidDutchSchultzbeforehecrumpledupundergangsterbulletsinNewark. Dutch Schultz, one of New York’s most notorious rats, said in anewspaperinterviewthathewasapublicbenefactor.Andhebelievedit.

I have had some interesting correspondencewithLewisLawes,whowaswarden of New York’s infamous Sing Sing prison for many years, on thissubject, and he declared that ‘few of the criminals in Sing Sing regardthemselvesasbadmen.TheyarejustashumanasyouandI.Sotheyrationalise,theyexplain.Theycantellyouwhytheyhadtocrackasafeorbequickonthetriggerfinger.Mostofthemattemptbyaformofreasoning,fallaciousorlogical,to justify their antisocial acts even to themselves, consequently stoutlymaintainingthattheyshouldneverhavebeenimprisonedatall.’

IfAlCapone, ‘TwoGun’Crowley,DutchSchultz, and thedesperatemenand women behind prison walls don’t blame themselves for anything – whataboutthepeoplewithwhomyouandIcomeincontact?

JohnWanamaker,founderoftheAmericanstoresthatbearhisname,onceconfessed: ‘I learned thirtyyears ago that it is foolish to scold. I haveenoughtroubleovercomingmyown limitationswithout frettingover the fact thatGodhasnotseenfittodistributeevenlythegiftofintelligence.’

Wanamaker learned this lesson early, but I personally had to blunderthroughthisoldworldforathirdofacenturybeforeitevenbegantodawnuponmethatninety-ninetimesoutofahundred,peopledon’tcriticisethemselvesforanythingnomatterhowwrongitmaybe.

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usuallymakeshimstrivetojustifyhimself.Criticismisdangerous,becauseitwoundsaperson’spreciouspride,hurtshissenseofimportance,andarousesresentment.

B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through hisexperimentsthatananimalrewardedforgoodbehaviourwill learnmuchmore

rapidlyandretainwhatitlearnsfarmoreeffectivelythanananimalpunishedforbadbehaviour.Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans.Bycriticising,wedonotmakelastingchangesandoftenincurresentment.

Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, ‘As much as we thirst forapproval,wedreadcondemnation.’

Theresentmentthatcriticismengenderscandemoraliseemployees,familymembersandfriends,andstillnotcorrectthesituationthathasbeencondemned.

George B. Johnston of Enid, Oklahoma, is the safety coordinator for anengineeringcompany.Oneofhisresponsibilities is toseethatemployeesweartheir hard hats whenever they are on the job in the field. He reported thatwheneverhecameacrossworkerswhowerenotwearinghardhats,hewouldtellthemwitha lotofauthorityof the regulationand that theymustcomply.Asaresulthewouldgetsullenacceptance,andoftenafterheleft,theworkerswouldremovethehats.

Hedecidedtotryadifferentapproach.Thenexttimehefoundsomeoftheworkersnotwearingtheirhardhat,heaskedif thehatswereuncomfortableordidnotfitproperly.Thenheremindedthemeninapleasanttoneofvoicethatthehatwasdesignedtoprotectthemfrominjuryandsuggestedthatitalwaysbewornon the job.Theresultwas increasedcompliancewith theregulationwithnoresentmentoremotionalupset.

Youwill find examplesof the futilityof criticismbristlingon a thousandpages of history. Take, for example, the famous quarrel between TheodoreRoosevelt and President Taft – a quarrel that split the Republican party, putWoodrowWilsonintheWhiteHouse,andwrotebold,luminouslinesacrosstheFirstWorldWarandaltered theflowofhistory.Let’sreviewthefactsquickly.When Theodore Roosevelt stepped out of the White House in 1908, hesupportedTaft,whowaselectedPresident.ThenTheodoreRooseveltwentofftoAfricatoshootlions.Whenhereturned,heexploded.HedenouncedTaftforhisconservatism,triedtosecurethenominationforathirdtermhimself,formedtheBull Moose party, and all but demolished the G.O.P. In the election thatfollowed,WilliamHowardTaftandtheRepublicanpartycarriedonlytwostates–VermontandUtah.Themostdisastrousdefeatthepartyhadeverknown.

TheodoreRooseveltblamedTaft,butdidPresidentTaftblamehimself?Ofcoursenot.Withtearsinhiseyes,Taftsaid:‘Idon’tseehowIcouldhavedoneanydifferentlyfromwhatIhave.’

Whowastoblame?RooseveltorTaft?Frankly,Idon’tknow,andIdon’tcare.ThepointIamtryingtomakeisthatallofTheodoreRoosevelt’scriticismdidn’t persuade Taft that he was wrong. It merely made Taft strive to justifyhimselfandtoreiteratewithtearsinhiseyes:‘Idon’tseehowIcouldhavedone

anydifferentlyfromwhatIhave.’Or,taketheTeapotDomeoilscandal.Itkeptthenewspapersringingwith

indignationintheearly1920s.Itrockedthenation!Withinthememoryoflivingmen,nothinglikeithadeverhappenedbeforeinAmericanpubliclife.Herearethebarefactsofthescandal:AlbertB.Fall,secretaryoftheinteriorinHarding’scabinet,wasentrustedwiththeleasingofgovernmentoilreservesatElkHillandTeapotDome–oilreservesthathadbeensetasideforthefutureuseoftheNavy.DidSecretaryFallpermitcompetitivebidding?Nosir.Hehandedthefat,juicycontractoutrighttohisfriendEdwardL.Doheny.AndwhatdidDohenydo?HegaveSecretaryFallwhathewaspleasedtocalla‘loan’ofonehundredthousanddollars. Then, in a high-handed manner, Secretary Fall ordered United StatesMarines into the district to drive off competitors whose adjacent wells weresapping oil out of the Elk Hill reserves. These competitors, driven off theirgroundattheendsofgunsandbayonets,rushedintocourt–andblewthelidoffthe Teapot Dome scandal. A stench arose so vile that it ruined the HardingAdministration,nauseatedanentirenation, threatenedtowrecktheRepublicanparty,andputAlbertB.Fallbehindprisonbars.

Fallwascondemnedviciously–condemnedasfewmeninpubliclifehaveever been. Did he repent? Never! Years later Herbert Hoover intimated in apublicspeechthatPresidentHarding’sdeathhadbeenduetomentalanxietyandworrybecauseafriendhadbetrayedhim.WhenMrs.Fallheardthat,shesprangfrom her chair, she wept, she shook her fists at fate and screamed: ‘What!HardingbetrayedbyFall?No!Myhusbandneverbetrayedanyone.Thiswholehousefullofgoldwouldnottemptmyhusbandtodowrong.Heistheonewhohasbeenbetrayedandledtotheslaughterandcrucified.’

Thereyouare;humannatureinaction,wrongdoers,blamingeverybodybutthemselves. We are all like that. So when you and I are tempted to criticisesomeonetomorrow,let’srememberAlCapone,‘TwoGun’CrowleyandAlbertFall. Let’s realise that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always returnhome. Let’s realise that the personwe are going to correct and condemnwillprobablyjustifyhimselforherself,andcondemnusinreturn;or,likethegentleTaft,will say: ‘Idon’t seehow Icouldhavedoneanydifferently fromwhat Ihave.’

On themorning ofApril 15, 1865,AbrahamLincoln lay dying in a hallbedroomofacheaplodginghousedirectlyacrossthestreetfromFord’sTheatre,where John Wilkes Booth had shot him. Lincoln’s long body lay stretcheddiagonallyacrossasaggingbedthatwastooshortforhim.AcheapreproductionofRosaBonheur’sfamouspaintingTheHorseFairhungabovethebed,andadismalgasjetflickeredyellowlight.

AsLincoln laydying,SecretaryofWarStantonsaid, ‘There lies themostperfectrulerofmenthattheworldhaseverseen.’

WhatwasthesecretofLincoln’ssuccessindealingwithpeople?Istudiedthe life of Abraham Lincoln for ten years and devoted all of three years towriting and rewriting a book entitled Lincoln the Unknown. I believe I havemadeasdetailedandexhaustivestudyofLincoln’spersonalityandhomelifeasitispossibleforanybeingtomake.ImadeaspecialstudyofLincoln’smethodofdealingwithpeople.Didheindulgeincriticism?Oh,yes.AsayoungmaninthePigeonCreekValleyof Indiana, henot only criticisedbut hewrote lettersand poems ridiculing people and dropped these letters on the country roadswheretheyweresuretobefound.Oneoftheselettersarousedresentmentsthatburnedforalifetime.

EvenafterLincolnhadbecomeapractisinglawyerinSpringfield,Illinois,heattackedhisopponentsopenlyinletterspublishedinthenewspapers.Buthedidthisjustoncetoooften.

In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious politician by thename of James Shields. Lincoln lampooned him through an anonymous letterpublished in the Springfield Journal. The town roared with laughter. Shields,sensitiveandproud,boiledwithindignation.Hefoundoutwhowrotetheletter,leaped on his horse, started afterLincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel.Lincolndidn’twanttofight.Hewasopposedtoduelling,buthecouldn’tgetoutof it and save his honour.Hewas given the choice ofweapons. Since he hadvery long arms, he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in swordfightingfromaWestPointgraduate;and,ontheappointedday,heandShieldsmetonasandbarintheMississippiRiver,preparedtofighttothedeath;but,atthelastminute,theirsecondsinterruptedandstoppedtheduel.

ThatwasthemostluridpersonalincidentinLincoln’slife.Ittaughthimaninvaluablelessonintheartofdealingwithpeople.Neveragaindidhewriteaninsulting letter.Neveragaindidhe ridiculeanyone.Andfromthat timeon,healmostnevercriticisedanybodyforanything.

Timeaftertime,duringtheCivilWar,LincolnputanewgeneralattheheadoftheArmyofthePotomac,andeachoneinturn–McClellan,Pope,Burnside,Hooker,Meade–blunderedtragicallyanddroveLincolntopacingthefloorindespair. Half the nation savagely condemned these incompetent generals, butLincoln,‘withmalicetowardnone,withcharityforall,’heldhispeace.Oneofhisfavouritequotationswas‘Judgenot,thatyebenotjudged.’

AndwhenMrsLincoln and others spoke harshly of the southern people,Lincoln replied: ‘Don’t criticise them; they are just what we would be undersimilarcircumstances.’

Yet ifanymaneverhadoccasion tocriticise, surely itwasLincoln.Let’stakejustoneillustration:

The Battle of Gettysburg was fought during the first three days of July1863.During the night of July 4,Lee began to retreat southwardwhile stormcloudsdeluged thecountrywithrain.WhenLeereached thePotomacwithhisdefeated army, he found a swollen, impassable river in front of him, and avictorious Union Army behind him. Lee was in a trap. He couldn’t escape.Lincolnsawthat.Herewasagolden,heavensentopportunity–theopportunitytocaptureLee’sarmyandend thewar immediately.So,witha surgeofhope,Lincoln ordered Meade not to call a council of war but to attack Leeimmediately.LincolntelegraphedhisordersandthensentaspecialmessengertoMeadedemandingimmediateaction.

AndwhatdidGeneralMeadedo?Hedidtheveryoppositeofwhathewastoldtodo.HecalledacouncilofwarindirectviolationofLincoln’sorders.Hehesitated.Heprocrastinated.Hetelegraphedallmannerofexcuses.Herefusedpoint-blanktoattackLee.Finally thewatersrecededandLeeescapedover thePotomacwithhisforces.

Lincoln was furious. ‘What does this mean?’ Lincoln cried to his sonRobert.‘GreatGod!Whatdoesthismean?Wehadthemwithinourgrasp,andhadonlytostretchforthourhandsandtheywereours;yetnothingthatIcouldsay or do could make the army move. Under the circumstances, almost anygeneralcouldhavedefeatedLee.IfIhadgoneupthere,Icouldhavewhippedhimmyself.’

Inbitterdisappointment,LincolnsatdownandwroteMeadethisletter.Andremember, at this period of his life Lincoln was extremely conservative andrestrained in his phraseology. So this letter coming fromLincoln in 1863wastantamounttotheseverestrebuke.

MydearGeneral,I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the

misfortuneinvolvedinLee’sescape.Hewaswithinoureasygrasp,andtohavecloseduponhimwould,inconnectionwithourotherlate successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will beprolonged indefinitely. If you could not safely attack Lee lastMonday,howcanyoupossiblydososouthoftheriver,whenyoucantakewithyouveryfew–nomorethantwo-thirdsoftheforceyouthenhadinhand?ItwouldbeunreasonabletoexpectandIdonotexpectthatyoucannoweffectmuch.Yourgoldenopportunityisgone,andIamdistressedimmeasurablybecauseofit.

WhatdoyousupposeMeadedidwhenhereadtheletter?Meadeneversawthat letter.Lincolnnevermailed it. Itwasfoundamong

hispapersafterhisdeath.Myguessis–andthisisonlyaguess–thatafterwritingthatletter,Lincoln

lookedoutofthewindowandsaidtohimself,‘Justaminute.MaybeIoughtnotto be so hasty. It is easy enough forme to sit here in the quiet of theWhiteHouseandorderMeadetoattack;butifIhadbeenupatGettysburg,andifIhadseenasmuchbloodasMeadehasseenduringthelastweek,andifmyearshadbeenpiercedwith thescreamsandshrieksof thewoundedanddying,maybeIwouldn’t be so anxious to attack either. If I hadMeade’s timid temperament,perhapsIwouldhavedonejustwhathehaddone.Anyhow,itiswaterunderthebridge now. If I send this letter, it will relieve my feelings, but it will makeMeadetrytojustifyhimself.Itwillmakehimcondemnme.Itwillarousehardfeelings,impairallhisfurtherusefulnessasacommander,andperhapsforcehimtoresignfromthearmy.’

So,asIhavealreadysaid,Lincolnputtheletteraside,forhehadlearnedbybitter experience that sharp criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end infutility.

TheodoreRooseveltsaidthatwhenhe,asPresident,wasconfrontedwithaperplexing problem, he used to lean back and look up at a large painting ofLincolnwhichhungabovehisdeskintheWhiteHouseandaskhimself,‘WhatwouldLincolndoifhewereinmyshoes?Howwouldhesolvethisproblem?’

MarkTwain losthis temperoccasionallyandwrote letters that turned thepaper brown. For example, he oncewrote to amanwho had aroused his ire:‘Thethingforyouisaburialpermit.YouhaveonlytospeakandIwillseethatyou get it.’ On another occasion he wrote to an editor about a proofreader’sattemptsto‘improvemyspellingandpunctuation.’Heordered:‘Setthematteraccording to my copy hereafter and see that the proofreader retains hissuggestionsinthemushofhisdecayedbrain.’

The writing of these stinging letters madeMark Twain feel better. Theyallowedhimtoblowoffsteam,andthelettersdidn’tdoanyrealharm,becauseMark’swifesecretlyliftedthemoutofthemail.Theywereneversent.

Doyouknowsomeoneyouwouldliketochangeandregulateandimprove?Good!Thatisfine.Iamallinfavourofit.Butwhynotbeginonyourself?Fromapurelyselfishstandpoint, that isa lotmoreprofitable than trying to improveothers–yes,andalotlessdangerous.‘Don’tcomplainaboutthesnowonyourneighbour’sroof,’saidConfucious,‘whenyourowndoorstepisunclean.’

WhenIwasstillyoungandtryingtoimpresspeople,Iwroteafoolishletterto Richard Harding Davis, an author who once loomed large on the literary

horizon of America. I was preparing a magazine article about authors, and IaskedDavis to tellme about hismethod ofwork.A fewweeks earlier, I hadreceivedaletterfromsomeonewiththisnotationatthebottom:‘Dictatedbutnotread.’Iwasquiteimpressed.Ifeltthatthewritermustbeverybigandbusyandimportant.Iwasn’ttheslightestbitbusy,butIwaseagertomakeanimpressiononRichardHardingDavis,soIendedmyshortnotewiththewords:‘Dictatedbutnotread.’

Henevertroubledtoanswertheletter.Hesimplyreturnedittomewiththisscribbledacrossthebottom:‘Yourbadmannersareexceededonlybyyourbadmanners.’True,Ihadblundered,andperhapsIdeservedthisrebuke.But,beinghuman, I resented it. I resented it so sharply thatwhen I read of the death ofRichardHardingDavistenyearslater,theonethoughtthatstillpersistedinmymind–Iamashamedtoadmit–wasthehurthehadgivenme.

IfyouandIwanttostiruparesentmenttomorrowthatmayrankleacrossthedecadesandendureuntildeath,justletusindulgeinalittlestingingcriticism–nomatterhowcertainwearethatitisjustified.

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing withcreaturesoflogic.Wearedealingwithcreaturesofemotion,creaturesbristlingwithprejudicesandmotivatedbyprideandvanity.

Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy, one of the finestnovelists ever to enrich English literature, to give up forever the writing offiction.CriticismdroveThomasChatterton,theEnglishpoet,tosuicide.

BenjaminFranklin,tactlessinhisyouth,becamesodiplomatic,soadroitathandlingpeople,thathewasmadeAmericanAmbassadortoFrance.Thesecretofhissuccess?‘Iwillspeakillofnoman,’hesaid,‘...andspeakallthegoodIknowofeverybody.’

Anyfoolcancriticise,condemnandcomplain–andmostfoolsdo.Butittakescharacterandself-controltobeunderstandingandforgiving.‘Agreatmanshowshisgreatness,’saidCarlyle,‘bythewayhetreatslittle

men.’BobHoover,afamous testpilotandfrequentperformeratairshows,was

returning to his home in Los Angeles from an air show in San Diego. Asdescribed in themagazineFlightOperations, at three hundred feet in the air,both engines suddenly stopped. By deftmanoeuvring hemanaged to land theplane,butitwasbadlydamagedalthoughnobodywashurt.

Hoover’s first act after the emergency landing was to inspect theaeroplane’sfuel.Justashesuspected, theWorldWarIIpropellerplanehehadbeenflyinghadbeenfuelledwithjetfuelratherthangasoline.

Upon returning to the airport, he asked to see the mechanic who had

servicedhisaeroplane.Theyoungmanwassickwiththeagonyofhismistake.TearsstreameddownhisfaceasHooverapproached.Hehadjustcausedthelossofaveryexpensiveplaneandcouldhavecausedthelossofthreelivesaswell.

Youcan imagineHoover’sanger.Onecouldanticipate the tongue-lashingthatthisproudandprecisepilotwouldunleashforthatcarelessness.ButHooverdidn’t scold themechanic;hedidn’t evencriticisehim. Instead,heputhisbigarmaroundtheman’sshoulderandsaid,‘ToshowyouI’msurethatyou’llneverdothisagain,IwantyoutoservicemyF-51tomorrow.’

Oftenparentsaretemptedtocriticisetheirchildren.Youwouldexpectmeto say ‘don’t.’ But I will not. I ammerely going to say, ‘Before you criticisethem, read one of the classics of American journalism, “Father Forgets.”’ Itoriginally appeared as an editorial in the People’s Home Journal. We arereprinting it here with the author’s permission, as condensed in the Reader’sDigest:

‘FatherForgets’isoneofthoselittlepieceswhich–dashedoffinamomentofsincerefeeling–strikesanechoingchordinsomanyreadersastobecomeaperennialreprintfavourite.Sinceitsfirstappearance,‘FatherForgets’hasbeenreproduced,writestheauthor,W.LivingstoneLarned,‘inhundredsofmagazinesand house organs, and in newspapers the country over. It has been reprintedalmost as extensively in many foreign languages. I have given personalpermissiontothousandswhowishedtoreaditfromschool,church,andlectureplatforms. It has been “on the air” on countless occasions and programmes.Oddly enough, college periodicals have used it, and high-school magazines.Sometimesalittlepieceseemsmysteriouslyto“click.”Thisonecertainlydid.’

FATHERFORGETSW.LivingstonLarned

Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little pawcrumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet onyour damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just afewminutesago,asIsatreadingmypaperinthelibrary,astiflingwaveofremorsesweptoverme.GuiltilyIcametoyourbedside.

TherearethethingsIwasthinking,son:Ihadbeencrosstoyou. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because yougaveyourfacemerelyadabwithatowel.Itookyoutotaskfornotcleaningyourshoes.Icalledoutangrilywhenyouthrewsomeofyourthingsonthefloor.

AtbreakfastIfoundfault,too.Youspilledthings.Yougulped

down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spreadbuttertoothickonyourbread.AndasyoustartedofftoplayandImade formy train, you turned andwaved a hand and called,‘Goodbye,Daddy!’ and I frowned, and said in reply, ‘Hold yourshouldersback!’

Thenitbeganalloveragaininthelateafternoon.AsIcameup the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles.Therewereholes inyourstockings.Ihumiliatedyoubeforeyourboyfriendsbymarchingyouaheadofme to thehouse.Stockingswereexpensive–andifyouhadtobuythemyouwouldbemorecareful!Imaginethat,son,fromafather!

Do you remember, later, when Iwas reading in the library,how you came in timidly,with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?WhenIglancedupovermypaper, impatientat the interruption,youhesitatedatthedoor.‘Whatisityouwant?’Isnapped.

Yousaidnothing,butranacross inonetempestuousplunge,and threw your arms aroundmy neck and kissedme, and yoursmallarmstightenedwithanaffectionthatGodhadsetbloominginyourheartandwhichevenneglectcouldnotwither.Andthenyouweregone,patteringupthestairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slippedfrommyhandsandaterriblesickeningfearcameoverme.Whathas habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, ofreprimanding–thiswasmyrewardtoyouforbeingaboy.Itwasnot that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much ofyouth.Iwasmeasuringyoubytheyardstickofmyownyears.

And therewas somuch thatwas good and fine and true inyourcharacter.Thelittleheartofyouwasasbigasthedawnitselfoverthewidehills.Thiswasshownbyyourspontaneousimpulseto rush in andkissme goodnight.Nothing elsematters tonight,son.Ihavecometoyourbedsideinthedarkness,andIhavekneltthere,ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know youwould not understandthese things if I told themtoyouduringyourwakinghours.ButtomorrowIwillbearealdaddy!Iwillchumwithyou,andsufferwhenyousuffer,andlaughwhenyoulaugh.Iwillbitemytonguewhen impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were aritual:‘Heisnothingbutaboy–alittleboy!’

IamafraidIhavevisualizedyouasaman.YetasI seeyou

now,son,crumpledandwearyinyourcot,Iseethatyouarestillababy.Yesterdayyouwereinyourmother’sarms,yourheadonhershoulder.Ihaveaskedtoomuch,toomuch.

Insteadof condemningpeople, let’s try tounderstand them.Let’s try to figureoutwhytheydowhat theydo.That’sa lotmoreprofitableandintriguingthancriticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. ‘To know all is toforgiveall.’

AsDr.Johnsonsaid:‘Godhimself,sir,doesnotproposetojudgemanuntiltheendofhisdays.’

WhyshouldyouandI?

PRINCIPLE1Don’tcriticise,condemnorcomplain.

THEREISONLYonewayunderhighheaventogetanybodytodoanything.Didyoueverstoptothinkofthat?Yes,justoneway.Andthatisbymakingtheotherpersonwanttodoit.

Remember,thereisnootherway.Ofcourse,youcanmakesomeonewanttogiveyouhiswatchbystickinga

revolverinhisribs.Youcanmakeyouremployeesgiveyoucooperation–untilyourbackisturned–bythreateningtofirethem.Youcanmakeachilddowhatyouwant it todobyawhipora threat.But thesecrudemethodshavesharplyundesirablerepercussions.

TheonlywayIcangetyoutodoanythingisbygivingyouwhatyouwant.Whatdoyouwant?SigmundFreudsaidthateverythingyouandIdospringsfromtwomotives:

thesexurgeandthedesiretobegreat.JohnDewey,oneofAmerica’smostprofoundphilosophers,phraseditabit

differently.Dr.Deweysaidthatthedeepesturgeinhumannatureis‘thedesiretobe important.’ Remember that phrase: ‘the desire to be important.’ It issignificant.Youaregoingtohearalotaboutitinthisbook.

Whatdoyouwant?Notmanythings,butthefewthingsthatyoudowish,you cravewith an insistence thatwill not bedenied.Someof the thingsmostpeoplewantinclude:

1Healthandthepreservationoflife.2Food.3Sleep.4Moneyandthethingsmoneywillbuy.5Lifeinthehereafter.6Sexualgratification.7Thewell-beingofourchildren.8Afeelingofimportance.

Almost all thesewants are usually gratified – all except one.But there is one

longing–almostasdeep,almostasimperious,asthedesireforfoodorsleep–whichisseldomgratified.ItiswhatFreudcalls‘thedesiretobegreat.’ItiswhatDeweycallsthe‘desiretobeimportant.’

Lincoln once began a letter saying: ‘Everybody likes a compliment.’WilliamJamessaid:‘Thedeepestprincipleinhumannatureisthecravingtobeappreciated.’ He didn’t speak, mind you, of the ‘wish’ or the ‘desire’ or the‘longing’tobeappreciated.Hesaidthe‘craving’tobeappreciated.

Here is a gnawing andunfalteringhumanhunger, and the rare individualwhohonestlysatisfiesthishearthungerwillholdpeopleinthepalmofhisorherhandand‘eventheundertakerwillbesorrywhenhedies.’

The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishingdifferencesbetweenmankindandtheanimals.Toillustrate:WhenIwasafarmboyoutinMissouri,myfatherbredfineDuroc-Jerseyhogsandpedigreedwhite-facedcattle.Weused toexhibitourhogsandwhite-facedcattleat thecountryfairs and livestock shows throughout theMiddleWest.Wewon firstprizesbythe score.My father pinned his blue ribbons on a sheet ofwhitemuslin, andwhenfriendsorvisitorscame to thehouse,hewouldgetout the longsheetofmuslin.HewouldholdoneendandIwouldholdtheotherwhileheexhibitedtheblueribbons.

Thehogsdidn’tcareabouttheribbonstheyhadwon.ButFatherdid.Theseprizesgavehimafeelingofimportance.

If our ancestors hadn’t had this flamingurge for a feelingof importance,civilisationwouldhavebeen impossible.Without it,we shouldhavebeen justaboutlikeanimals.

It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated,poverty-strickengroceryclerktostudysomelawbookshefoundinthebottomof a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for fifty cents.You haveprobablyheardofthisgroceryclerk.HisnamewasLincoln.

ItwasthisdesireforafeelingofimportancethatinspiredDickenstowritehis immortal novels. This desire inspired Sir ChristopherWren to design hissymphoniesinstone.ThisdesiremadeRockefelleramassmillionsthatheneverspent!Andthissamedesiremadetherichestfamilyinyourtownbuildahousefartoolargeforitsrequirements.

Thisdesiremakesyouwant towear the lateststyles,drive the latestcars,andtalkaboutyourbrilliantchildren.

It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs andengaging in criminal activities. The average young criminal, according toE.P.Mulrooney,onetimepolicecommissionerofNewYork, is filledwithego,andhis first request after arrest is for those lurid newspapers thatmake himout a

hero.Thedisagreeableprospectofservingtimeseemsremotesolongashecangloatoverhislikenesssharingspacewithpicturesofsportsfigures,movieandTVstarsandpoliticians.

Ifyoutellmehowyougetyourfeelingofimportance,I’lltellyouwhatyouare.Thatdeterminesyourcharacter.Thatisthemostsignificantthingaboutyou.Forexample,JohnD.RockefellergothisfeelingofimportancebygivingmoneytoerectamodernhospitalinPeking,China,tocareformillionsofpoorpeoplewhomhehadneverseenandneverwouldsee.Dillinger,ontheotherhand,gothisfeelingofimportancebybeingabandit,abankrobberandkiller.WhentheFBIagentswerehuntinghim,hedashedintoafarmhouseupinMinnesotaandsaid, ‘I’m Dillinger!’ He was proud of the fact that he was Public EnemyNumberOne.‘I’mnotgoingtohurtyou,butI’mDillinger!’hesaid.

Yes, the one significant difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller ishowtheygottheirfeelingofimportance.

Historysparkleswithamusingexamplesoffamouspeoplestrugglingforafeeling of importance. Even George Washington wanted to be called ‘HisMightiness, thePresidentof theUnitedStates’; andColumbuspleaded for thetitle‘AdmiraloftheOceanandViceroyofIndia.’CatherinetheGreatrefusedtoopen letters that were not addressed to ‘Her Imperial Majesty’; and Mrs.Lincoln,intheWhiteHouse,turneduponMrs.Grantlikeatigressandshouted,‘HowdareyoubeseatedinmypresenceuntilIinviteyou!’

OurmillionaireshelpedfinanceAdmiralByrd’sexpeditiontotheAntarcticin 1928with the understanding that ranges of icymountainswould be namedafter them;andVictorHugoaspired tohavenothing less than thecityofParisrenamedinhishonour.EvenShakespeare,mightiestofthemighty,triedtoaddlustretohisnamebyprocuringacoatofarmsforhisfamily.

Peoplesometimesbecameinvalidsinordertowinsympathyandattention,and get a feeling of importance. For example, takeMrs.McKinley. She got afeelingofimportancebyforcingherhusband,thePresidentoftheUnitedStates,toneglectimportantaffairsofstatewhilehereclinedonthebedbesideherforhoursata time,hisarmabouther, soothingher tosleep.She fedhergnawingdesireforattentionbyinsistingthatheremainwithherwhileshewashavingherteethfixed,andoncecreatedastormyscenewhenhehadtoleaveheralonewiththedentistwhilehekeptanappointmentwithJohnHay,hissecretaryofstate.

ThewriterMaryRobertsRinehartoncetoldmeofabright,vigorousyoungwomanwho became an invalid in order to get a feeling of importance. ‘Oneday,’ saidMrs.Rinehart, ‘thiswomanhadbeenobliged to facesomething,herageperhaps.Thelonelyyearswerestretchingaheadandtherewaslittleleftforhertoanticipate.

‘Shetooktoherbed;andfortenyearsheroldmothertravelledtothethirdfloorandback,carryingtrays,nursingher.Thenonedaytheoldmother,wearywithservice, laydownanddied.Forsomeweeks, the invalid languished; thenshegotup,putonherclothing,andresumedlivingagain.’

Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order tofind,inthedreamlandofinsanity,thefeelingofimportancethathasbeendeniedthemintheharshworldofreality.TherearemorepatientssufferingfrommentaldiseasesintheUnitedStatesthanfromallotherdiseasescombined.

Whatisthecauseofinsanity?Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but we know that certain

diseases,suchassyphilis,breakdownanddestroy thebraincellsandresult ininsanity.Infact,aboutone-halfofallmentaldiseasescanbeattributedtosuchphysicalcausesasbrainlesions,alcohol,toxinsandinjuries.Buttheotherhalf–andthisistheappallingpartofthestory–theotherhalfofthepeoplewhogoinsaneapparentlyhavenothingorganicallywrongwiththeirbraincells.Inpost-mortem examinations, when their brain tissues are studied under the highest-poweredmicroscopes,thesetissuesarefoundtobeapparentlyjustashealthyasyoursandmine.

Whydothesepeoplegoinsane?I put that question to the head physician of one of our most important

psychiatrichospitals.Thisdoctor,whohasreceivedthehighesthonoursandthemostcovetedawardsforhisknowledgeofthissubject, toldmefranklythathedidn’t knowwhypeoplewent insane.Nobodyknows for sure.But hedid saythatmanypeoplewhogoinsanefindininsanityafeelingofimportancethattheywereunabletoachieveintheworldofreality.Thenhetoldmethisstory:

‘I have a patient right nowwhosemarriage proved to be a tragedy. Shewantedlove,sexualgratification,childrenandsocialprestige,butlifeblastedallher hopes. Her husband didn’t love her. He refused even to eat with her andforcedhertoservehismealsinhisroomupstairs.Shehadnochildren,nosocialstanding. Shewent insane; and, in her imagination, she divorced her husbandandresumedhermaidenname.Shenowbelievesshehasmarried intoEnglisharistocracy,andsheinsistsonbeingcalledLadySmith.

‘Andasforchildren,sheimaginesnowthatshehashadanewchildeverynight.EachtimeIcallonhershesays:“Doctor,Ihadababylastnight.”’

Lifeoncewreckedallherdreamshipsonthesharprocksofreality;butinthesunny,fantasyislesofinsanity,allherbarkentinesraceintoportwithcanvasbillowingandwindswingingthroughthemasts.

Tragic?Oh,Idon’tknow.Herphysiciansaidtome:‘IfIcouldstretchoutmyhandandrestorehersanity,Iwouldn’tdoit.She’smuchhappierassheis.’

Ifsomepeoplearesohungryforafeelingofimportancethattheyactuallygoinsanetogetit,imaginewhatmiracleyouandIcanachievebygivingpeoplehonestappreciationthissideofinsanity.

OneofthefirstpeopleinAmericanbusinesstobepaidasalaryofoveramilliondollarsayear(whentherewasnoincometaxandapersonearningfiftydollars a week was considered well off) was Charles Schwab. He had beenpickedbyAndrewCarnegie tobecomethefirstpresidentof thenewlyformedUnitedStatesSteelCompanyin1921,whenSchwabwasonlythirty-eightyearsold.(SchwablaterleftU.S.Steeltotakeoverthethen-troubledBethlehemSteelCompany, and he rebuilt it into one of the most profitable companies inAmerica.)

WhydidAndrewCarnegiepayamilliondollarsayear,ormorethanthreethousand dollars a day, to Charles Schwab? Why? Because Schwab was agenius?No.Because he knewmore about themanufacture of steel than otherpeople? Nonsense. Charles Schwab told me himself that he had many menworkingforhimwhoknewmoreaboutthemanufactureofsteelthanhedid.

Schwab says thathewaspaid this salary largelybecauseofhis ability todealwithpeople. Iaskedhimhowhedid it.Here ishissecretsetdowninhisownwords –words that ought to be cast in eternal bronze andhung in everyhomeandschool,everyshopandofficeintheland–wordsthatchildrenoughttomemoriseinsteadofwastingtheir timememorisingtheconjugationofLatinverbs or the amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil – words that will all buttransformyourlifeandmineifwewillonlylivethem:

‘I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,’ saidSchwab,‘thegreatestassetIpossess,andthewaytodevelopthebestthatisinapersonisbyappreciationandencouragement.

‘There isnothingelse that sokills theambitionsofapersonascriticismsfromsuperiors.Inevercriticiseanyone.Ibelieveingivingapersonincentivetowork.SoIamanxioustopraisebutloathtofindfault.IfI likeanything,Iamheartyinmyapprobationandlavishinmypraise.’

That is what Schwab did. But what do average people do? The exactopposite.If theydon’tlikeathing,theybawlouttheirsubordinates; if theydolikeit,theysaynothing.Astheoldcoupletsays:‘OnceIdidbadandthatIheardever/TwiceIdidgood,butthatIheardnever.’

‘In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people invarious parts of the world,’ Schwab declared, ‘I have yet to find the person,howevergreatorexaltedhisstation,whodidnotdobetterworkandput forthgreatereffortunderaspiritofapprovalthanhewouldeverdounderaspiritofcriticism.’

That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for thephenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie praised his associatespubliclyaswellasprivately.

Carnegiewantedtopraisehisassistantsevenonhistombstone.Hewroteanepitaphforhimselfwhichread:‘Hereliesonewhoknewhowtogetaroundhimmenwhowereclevererthanhimself.’

Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first John D.Rockefeller’ssuccess inhandlingmen.Forexample,whenoneofhispartners,Edward T. Bedford, lost amillion dollars for the firm by a bad buy in SouthAmerica,JohnD.mighthavecriticised;butheknewBedfordhaddonehisbest– and the incident was closed. So Rockefeller found something to praise; hecongratulatedBedfordbecausehehadbeenabletosave60percentofthemoneyhehadinvested.‘That’ssplendid,’saidRockefeller.‘Wedon’talwaysdoaswellasthatupstairs.’

I have among my clippings a story that I know never happened, but itillustratesatruth,soI’llrepeatit:

According to this silly story, a farmwoman, at the end of a heavy day’swork,setbeforehermenfolksaheapingpileofhay.Andwhentheyindignantlydemandedwhethershehadgonecrazy,shereplied:‘Why,howdidIknowyou’dnotice?I’vebeencookingforyoumenfor the last twentyyearsandinall thattimeIain’theardnowordtoletmeknowyouwasn’tjusteatinghay.’

Whenastudywasmadeafewyearsagoonrunawaywives,whatdoyouthink was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was ‘lack ofappreciation.’AndI’dbetthatasimilarstudymadeofrunawayhusbandswouldcomeoutthesameway.Weoftentakeourspousessomuchforgrantedthatweneverletthemknowweappreciatethem.

Amemberofoneofourclassestoldofarequestmadebyhiswife.Sheanda group of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvementprogramme.Sheaskedherhusbandtohelpherbylistingsixthingshebelievedshecoulddotohelpherbecomeabetterwife.Hereportedtotheclass:‘Iwassurprisedbysucharequest.Frankly,itwouldhavebeeneasyformetolistsixthings Iwould like tochangeabouther–myheavens, shecouldhave listedathousandthingsshewouldliketochangeaboutme–butIdidn’t.Isaidtoher,“Letmethinkaboutitandgiveyouananswerinthemorning.”

‘ThenextmorningIgotupveryearlyandcalledthefloristandhadthemsendsix red roses tomywifewithanotesaying: ‘Ican’t thinkofsix things Iwouldliketochangeaboutyou.Iloveyouthewayyouare.’

‘WhenIarrivedathomethatevening,whodoyouthinkgreetedmeatthedoor: That’s right.Mywife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was

extremelygladIhadnotcriticisedherasshehadrequested.‘ThefollowingSundayatchurch,aftershehadreported theresultsofher

assignment, severalwomenwithwhomshehadbeen studyingcameup tomeandsaid,“ThatwasthemostconsideratethingIhaveeverheard.”ItwasthenIrealisedthepowerofappreciation.’

Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer who ever dazzledBroadway, gained his reputation by his subtle ability to ‘glorify theAmericangirl.’ Time after time, he took drab little creatures that no one ever looked attwiceandtransformedthemonthestageintoglamorousvisionsofmysteryandseduction.Knowingthevalueofappreciationandconfidence,hemadewomenfeel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantry and consideration. He waspractical:heraisedthesalaryofchorusgirlsfromthirtydollarsaweektoashighasonehundredandseventy-five.Andhewasalsochivalrous;onopeningnightat theFollies, he sent telegrams to the stars in the cast, and he deluged everychorusgirlintheshowwithAmericanBeautyroses.

I once succumbed to the fad of fasting andwent for six days and nightswithouteating.Itwasn’tdifficult.IwaslesshungryattheendofthesixthdaythanIwasattheendofthesecond.YetIknow,asyouknow,peoplewhowouldthinktheyhadcommittedacrimeiftheylettheirfamiliesoremployeesgoforsixdayswithoutfood;buttheywillletthemgoforsixdays,andsixweeks,andsometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that theycravealmostasmuchastheycravefood.

WhenAlfredLunt,oneof thegreatactorsofhis time,played the leadingrole in Reunion in Vienna, he said, ‘There is nothing I need so much asnourishmentformyself-esteem.’

Wenourishthebodiesofourchildrenandfriendsandemployees,buthowseldomdowenourish their self-esteem?Weprovide themwith roastbeefandpotatoestobuildenergy,butweneglecttogivethemkindwordsofappreciationthatwouldsingintheirmemoriesforyearslikethemusicofthemorningstars.

PaulHarvey, in one of his radio broadcasts, ‘TheRest of theStory,’ toldhowshowingsincereappreciationcanchangeaperson’s life.He reported thatyearsagoateacherinDetroitaskedStevieMorristohelpherfindamousethatwaslostintheclassroom.Yousee,sheappreciatedthefactthatnaturehadgivenStevie something no one else in the room had. Nature had given Stevie aremarkablepairofearstocompensateforhisblindeyes.ButthiswasreallythefirsttimeSteviehadbeenshownappreciationforthosetalentedears.Now,yearslater,hesaysthatthisactofappreciationwasthebeginningofanewlife.Yousee,fromthattimeonhedevelopedhisgiftofhearingandwentontobecome,under the stage name of Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers and

songwritersoftheseventies.1Somereadersare saying rightnowas they read these lines: ‘Oh,phooey!

Flattery! Bear oil! I’ve tried that stuff. It doesn’t work – not with intelligentpeople.’

Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow,selfishandinsincere.Itoughttofailanditusuallydoes.True,somepeoplearesohungry,sothirsty,forappreciationthattheywillswallowanything,justasastarvingmanwilleatgrassandfishworms.

EvenQueenVictoriawassusceptible toflattery.PrimeMinisterBenjaminDisraeliconfessedthatheputitonthickindealingwiththeQueen.Tousehisexactwords,hesaidhe‘spreaditonwithatrowel.’ButDisraeliwasoneofthemostpolished,deftandadroitmenwhoeverruledthefar-flungBritishEmpire.Hewasageniusinhisline.Whatwouldworkforhimwouldn’tnecessarilyworkfor you and me. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good.Flatteryiscounterfeit,andlikecounterfeitmoney,itwilleventuallygetyouintotroubleifyoupassittosomeoneelse.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One issincereandtheotherinsincere.Onecomesfromtheheartout;theotherfromtheteeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; theotheruniversallycondemned.

I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General Alvaro Obregon in theChapultepecpalaceinMexicoCity.Belowthebustarecarvedthesewisewordsfrom General Obregon’s philosophy: ‘Don’t be afraid of enemies who attackyou.Beafraidofthefriendswhoflatteryou.’

No!No!No!Iamnotsuggestingflattery!Farfromit.I’mtalkingaboutanewwayoflife.Letmerepeat.Iamtalkingaboutanewwayoflife.

KingGeorgeVhadasetofsixmaximsdisplayedonthewallsofhisstudyatBuckinghamPalace.Oneofthesemaximssaid:‘Teachmeneithertoproffernor receive cheap praise.’ That’s all flattery is – cheap praise. I once read adefinitionof flattery thatmaybeworth repeating: ‘Flattery is telling theotherpersonpreciselywhathethinksabouthimself.’

‘Usewhatlanguageyouwill,’saidRalphWaldoEmerson,‘youcanneversayanythingbutwhatyouare.’

Ifallwehadtodowasflatter,everybodywouldcatchonandweshouldallbeexpertsinhumanrelations.

When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, weusuallyspendabout95percentofourtimethinkingaboutourselves.Now,ifwestopthinkingaboutourselvesforawhileandbegintothinkoftheotherperson’sgoodpoints,wewon’thavetoresorttoflatterysocheapandfalsethatitcanbe

spottedalmostbeforeitisoutofthemouth.One of themost neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation.

Somehow,weneglecttopraiseoursonordaughterwhenheorshebringshomeagoodreportcard,andwefailtoencourageourchildrenwhentheyfirstsucceedinbakingacakeorbuildingabirdhouse.Nothingpleaseschildrenmorethanthiskindofparentalinterestandapproval.

Thenexttimeyouenjoyfiletmignonattheclub,sendwordtothechefthatit was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusualcourtesy,pleasementionit.

Everyminister, lecturer and public speaker knows the discouragement ofpouringhimselforherselfouttoanaudienceandnotreceivingasinglerippleofappreciativecomment.Whatappliestoprofessionalsappliesdoublytoworkersinoffices,shopsandfactoriesandourfamiliesandfriends.Inourinterpersonalrelationswe should never forget that all our associates are human beings andhungerforappreciation.Itisthelegaltenderthatallsoulsenjoy.

Tryleavingafriendlytrailof littlesparksofgratitudeonyourdaily trips.Youwillbesurprisedhowtheywillsetsmall flamesoffriendship thatwillberosebeaconsonyournextvisit.

Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among herresponsibilitiesonherjobthesupervisionofajanitorwhowasdoingaverypoorjob.Theotheremployeeswouldjeerathimandlitterthehallwaystoshowhimwhatabadjobhewasdoing.Itwassobad,productivetimewasbeinglostintheshop.

Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person. Shenoticedthatoccasionallyhedidaparticularlygoodpieceofwork.Shemadeapointtopraisehimforitinfrontoftheotherpeople.Eachdaythejobhedidallaroundgotbetter,andprettysoonhestarteddoingallhisworkefficiently.Nowhedoesanexcellentjobandotherpeoplegivehimappreciationandrecognition.Honestappreciationgotresultswherecriticismandridiculefailed.

Hurtingpeoplenotonlydoesnotchangethem,itisnevercalledfor.ThereisanoldsayingthatIhavecutoutandpastedonmymirrorwhereIcannothelpbutseeiteveryday:

Ishallpassthiswaybutonce;anygood,therefore,thatIcandooranykindnessthatIcanshowtoanyhumanbeing,letmedoitnow.Letmenotdefernorneglectit,forIshallnotpassthiswayagain.

Emerson said: ‘Everyman Imeet ismy superior in someway. In that, Ilearnofhim.’

IfthatwastrueofEmerson,isn’titlikelytobeathousandtimesmoretrueofyouandme?Let’scease thinkingofouraccomplishments,ourwants.Let’strytofigureouttheotherperson’sgoodpoints.Thenforgetflattery.Givehonest,sincereappreciation.Be‘heartyinyourapprobationandlavishinyourpraise,’and peoplewill cherish yourwords and treasure them and repeat themover alifetime–repeatthemyearsafteryouhaveforgottenthem.

PRINCIPLE2Givehonestandsincereappreciation.

1.PaulAurandt,PaulHarvey’sTheRestoftheStory(NewYork:Doubleday,1977).EditedandcompiledbyLynneHarvey.Copyright©byPaulynne,Inc.

IOFTENWENTfishingupinMaineduringthesummer.PersonallyIamveryfondof strawberries andcream,but Ihave found that for somestrange reason, fishprefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. Ididn’tbaitthehookwithstrawberriesandcream.Rather,Idangledawormoragrasshopperinfrontofthefishandsaid:‘Wouldn’tyouliketohavethat?’

Whynotusethesamecommonsensewhenfishingforpeople?That iswhat LloydGeorge,GreatBritain’s PrimeMinister duringWorld

WarI,did.Whensomeoneaskedhimhowhemanagedtostayinpoweraftertheotherwartimeleaders–Wilson,OrlandoandClemenceau–hadbeenforgotten,herepliedthatifhisstayingontopmightbeattributedtoanyonething,itwouldbetohishavinglearnedthatitwasnecessarytobaitthehooktosuitthefish.

Whytalkaboutwhatwewant?Thatischildish.Absurd.Ofcourse,youareinterestedinwhatyouwant.Youareeternallyinterestedinit.Butnooneelseis.Therestofusarejustlikeyou:weareinterestedinwhatwewant.

Sotheonlywayonearthtoinfluenceotherpeopleistotalkaboutwhattheywantandshowthemhowtogetit.

Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to dosomething.If,forexample,youdon’twantyourchildrentosmoke,don’tpreachatthem,anddon’ttalkaboutwhatyouwant;butshowthemthatcigarettesmaykeepthemfrommakingthebasketballteamorwinningthehundred-yarddash.

This is a good thing to remember regardless of whether you are dealingwith children or calves or chimpanzees. For example: one day Ralph WaldoEmersonandhissontriedtogetacalfintothebarn.Buttheymadethecommonmistake of thinking only of what they wanted: Emerson pushed and his sonpulled.Butthecalfwasdoingjustwhattheyweredoing:hewasthinkingonlyofwhathewanted;sohestiffenedhis legsandstubbornlyrefusedtoleavethepasture.The Irishhousemaid saw theirpredicament.Shecouldn’twrite essaysandbooks;but,onthisoccasionatleast,shehadmorehorsesense,orcalfsense,thanEmersonhad.Shethoughtofwhatthecalfwanted;sosheputhermaternalfingerinthecalf’smouthandletthecalfsuckherfingerasshegentlyledhim

intothebarn.Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was

performedbecauseyouwantedsomething.HowaboutthetimeyougavealargecontributiontotheRedCross?Yes,thatisnoexceptiontotherule.YougavetheRedCrossthedonationbecauseyouwantedtolendahelpinghand;youwantedtodoabeautiful,unselfish,divineact.‘Inasmuchasyehavedoneituntooneoftheleastofthesemybrethren,yehavedoneituntome.’

Ifyouhadn’twanted that feelingmore thanyouwantedyourmoney,youwould not have made the contribution. Of course, you might have made thecontributionbecauseyouwereashamed to refuseorbecauseacustomeraskedyou to do it.But one thing is certain.Youmade the contributionbecauseyouwantedsomething.

HarryA.OverstreetinhisilluminatingbookInfluencingHumanBehavioursaid:‘Actionspringsoutofwhatwefundamentallydesire...andthebestpieceofadvicewhichcanbegiventowould-bepersuaders,whetherinbusiness,inthehome, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eagerwant.Hewhocandothishasthewholeworldwithhim.Hewhocannotwalksalonelyway.’

AndrewCarnegie, thepoverty-strickenScotch ladwho started towork attwocentsanhourandfinallygaveaway$365million,learnedearlyinlifethatthe onlyway to influence people is to talk in terms ofwhat the other personwants.Heattendedschoolonlyfouryears;yethelearnedhowtohandlepeople.

To illustrate:His sister-in-lawwasworried sick over her two boys. TheywereatYale,andtheyweresobusywiththeirownaffairsthattheyneglectedtowritehomeandpaidnoattentionwhatevertotheirmother’sfranticletters.

Then Carnegie offered to wager a hundred dollars that he could get ananswerbyreturnmail,withoutevenaskingforit.Someonecalledhisbet;sohewrotehisnephewsachattyletter,mentioningcasuallyinapostscriptthathewassendingeachoneafive-dollarbill.

Heneglected,however,toenclosethemoney.Back came replies by returnmail thanking ‘Dear Uncle Andrew’ for his

kindnoteand–youcanfinishthesentenceyourself.Another example of persuading comes from Stan Novak of Cleveland,

Ohio, a participant in our course. Stan came home fromwork one evening tofindhisyoungestson,Tim,kickingandscreamingonthelivingroomfloor.Hewastostartkindergartenthenextdayandwasprotestingthathewouldnotgo.Stan’snormalreactionwouldhavebeentobanishthechildtohisroomandtellhim he’d better make up his mind to go. He had no choice. But tonight,recognising that this would not really help Tim start kindergarten in the best

frame of mind, Stan sat down and thought, ‘If I were Tim, why would I beexcitedaboutgoingtokindergarten?’HeandhiswifemadealistofallthefunthingsTimwoulddosuchasfingerpainting,singingsongs,makingnewfriends.Then they put them into action. ‘We all started fingerpainting on the kitchentable–mywife,Lil,myothersonBob,andmyself,allhavingfun.SoonTimwaspeepingaroundthecorner.Nexthewasbeggingtoparticipate.“Oh,no!Youhave to go to kindergarten first to learn how to fingerpaint.” With all theenthusiasm I could muster I went through the list talking in terms he couldunderstand – telling him all the fun hewould have in kindergarten. The nextmorning, I thought I was the first one up. I went downstairs and found Timsittingsoundasleepinthelivingroomchair.

“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iasked.“I’mwaitingtogotokindergarten.Idon’twanttobelate.”TheenthusiasmofourentirefamilyhadarousedinTiman eager want that no amount of discussion or threat could have possiblyaccomplished.’

Tomorrowyoumaywant to persuade somebody to do something.Beforeyouspeak,pauseandaskyourself:‘HowcanImakethispersonwanttodoit?’

That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, withfutilechatteraboutourdesires.

At one time I rented the grandballroomof a certainNewYork hotel fortwentynightsineachseasoninordertoholdaseriesoflectures.

Atthebeginningofoneseason,IwassuddenlyinformedthatIshouldhavetopayalmostthreetimesasmuchrentasformerly.Thisnewsreachedmeaftertheticketshadbeenprintedanddistributedandalltheannouncementshadbeenmade.

Naturally,Ididn’twanttopaytheincrease,butwhatwastheuseoftalkingto the hotel about what I wanted? They were only interested in what theywanted.SoacoupleofdayslaterIwenttoseethemanager.

‘IwasabitshockedwhenIgotyourletter,’Isaid,‘butIdon’tblameyouatall.IfIhadbeeninyourposition,Ishouldprobablyhavewrittenasimilarlettermyself.Yourdutyasthemanagerofthehotelistomakealltheprofitpossible.Ifyoudon’tdothatyouwillbefiredandyououghttobefired.Now,let’stakeapiece of paper andwrite down the advantages and the disadvantages thatwillaccruetoyou,ifyouinsistonthisincreaseinrent.’

ThenI tookaletterheadandranalinethroughthecentreandheadedonecolumn‘Advantages’andtheothercolumn‘Disadvantages.’

Iwrote down under the head ‘Advantages’ thesewords: ‘Ballroom free.’ThenIwentontosay:‘Youwillhavetheadvantageofhavingtheballroomfreetorentfordancesandconventions.Thatisabigadvantage,foraffairslikethat

willpayyoumuchmore thanyoucanget foraseriesof lectures. If I tieyourballroomupfortwentynightsduringthecourseoftheseason,itissuretomeanalossofsomeveryprofitablebusinesstoyou.

‘Now, let’s consider the disadvantages. First, instead of increasing yourincomefromme,youaregoingtodecreaseit.Infact,youaregoingtowipeitoutbecauseIcannotpaytherentyouareasking.Ishallbeforcedtoholdtheselecturesatsomeotherplace.

‘There’sanotherdisadvantagetoyoualso.Theselecturesattractcrowdsofeducated and cultured people to your hotel. That is good advertising for you,isn’tit?Infact,ifyouspentfivethousanddollarsadvertisinginthenewspapers,youcouldn’tbringasmanypeopletolookatyourhotelasIcanbringbytheselectures.Thatisworthalottoahotel,isn’tit?’

AsItalked,Iwrotethesetwo‘disadvantages’undertheproperheading,andhanded thesheetofpaper to themanager, saying: ‘Iwishyouwouldcarefullyconsiderboththeadvantagesanddisadvantagesthataregoingtoaccruetoyouandthengivemeyourfinaldecision.’

I received a letter the next day, informing me that my rent would beincreasedonly50percentinsteadof300percent.

Mindyou,IgotthisreductionwithoutsayingawordaboutwhatIwanted.Italkedallthetimeaboutwhattheotherpersonwantedandhowhecouldgetit.

Suppose Ihaddone thehuman,natural thing; suppose Ihadstormed intohisofficeandsaid,‘Whatdoyoumeanbyraisingmyrentthreehundredpercentwhen you know the tickets have been printed and the announcements made?Threehundredpercent!Ridiculous!Absurd!Iwon’tpayit!’

Whatwouldhavehappenedthen?Anargumentwouldhavebeguntosteamand boil and sputter – and you know how arguments end. Even if I hadconvincedhimthathewaswrong,hispridewouldhavemadeitdifficultforhimtobackdownandgivein.

Hereisoneofthebestbitsofadviceevergivenaboutthefineartofhumanrelationships.‘Ifthereisanyonesecretofsuccess,’saidHenryFord,‘itliesinthe ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from thatperson’sangleaswellasfromyourown.’

Thatissogood,Iwanttorepeatit:‘Ifthereisanyonesecretofsuccess,itliesintheabilitytogettheotherperson’spointofviewandseethingsfromthatperson’sangleaswellasfromyourown.’

That issosimple,soobvious, thatanyoneought tosee the truthof itataglance;yet90percentofthepeopleonthisearthignoreit90percentofthetime.

An example? Look at the letters that come across your desk tomorrowmorning, and youwill find thatmost of them violate this important canon of

common sense. Take this one, a letter written by the head of the radiodepartmentofanadvertisingagencywithofficesscatteredacrossthecontinent.This letter was sent to the managers of local radio stations throughout thecountry.(Ihavesetdown,inbrackets,myreactionstoeachparagraph.)

Mr.JohnBlank,Blankville,IndianaDearMr.Blank:

The – company desires to retain its position in advertisingagencyleadershipintheradiofield.

[Whocaresaboutyourcompanydesires?Iamworriedaboutmyownproblems.Thebankisforeclosingthemortgageonmyhouse,thebugsaredestroyingthehollyhocks, the stockmarket tumbledyesterday. Imissed the eight-fifteen thismorning. Iwasn’t invited to the Jones’sdance last night, thedoctor tellsme Ihavehighbloodpressureandneuritisanddandruff.And thenwhathappens?Icomedowntotheofficethismorningworried,openmymailandhereissomelittlewhippersnapperoffinNewYorkyappingaboutwhathiscompanywants.Bah!Ifheonlyrealisedwhatsortofimpressionhislettermakes,hewouldgetoutoftheadvertisingbusinessandstartmanufacturingsheepdip.]

Thisagency’snationaladvertisingaccountswerethebulwarkofthenetwork.Oursubsequentclearancesofstationtimehavekeptusatthetopofagenciesyearafteryear.

[Youarebigandrichandrightat the top,areyou?Sowhat? Idon’tgive twowhoopsinHadesifyouareasbigasGeneralMotorsandGeneralElectricandtheGeneralStaffoftheU.S.Armyallcombined.Ifyouhadasmuchsenseasahalf-wittedhummingbird,youwouldrealisethatIaminterestedinhowbigIam–nothowbigyouare.Allthistalkaboutyourenormoussuccessmakesmefeelsmallandunimportant.]

Wedesire to service our accountswith the lastword on radiostationinformation.

[You desire!You desire. You unmitigated ass. I’m not interested inwhat youdesireorwhat thePresidentof theUnitedStatesdesires.Letme tellyouonceandforall that Iaminterested inwhat Idesire–andyouhaven’tsaidaword

aboutthatyetinthisabsurdletterofyours.]

Willyou,therefore,putthe–companyonyourpreferredlistforweeklystationinformation–everysingledetailthatwillbeusefultoanagencyinintelligentlybookingtime.

[‘Preferred list.’Youhaveyournerve!Youmakemefeel insignificantbyyourbigtalkaboutyourcompany–andthenyouaskmetoputyouona‘preferred’list,andyoudon’tevensay‘please’whenyouaskit.]

Apromptacknowledgementof this letter, givingus your latest‘doings’willbemutuallyhelpful.

[Youfool!youmailmeacheapformletter–aletterscatteredfarandwideliketheautumnleaves–andyouhavethegalltoaskme,whenIamworriedaboutthemortgageandthehollyhocksandmybloodpressure,tositdownanddictatea personal note acknowledging your form letter – and you ask me to do it‘promptly.’Whatdoyoumean,‘promptly’?Don’tyouknowIamjustasbusyasyouare–or,atleast,IliketothinkIam.Andwhileweareonthesubject,whogaveyouthelordlyrighttoordermearound?. . .Yousayitwillbe‘mutuallyhelpful.’Atlast,atlast,youhavebeguntoseemyviewpoint.Butyouarevagueabouthowitwillbetomyadvantage.]

Verytrulyyours,JohnDoeManagerRadioDepartment

P.S.TheenclosedreprintfromtheBlankvilleJournalwillbeofinteresttoyou,andyoumaywanttobroadcastitoveryourstation.

[Finally,downhereinthepostscript,youmentionsomethingthatmayhelpmesolveoneofmyproblems.Whydidn’tyoubeginyourletterwith–butwhat’stheuse?Anyadvertisingmanwho isguiltyofperpetrating suchdrivelasyouhavesentmehassomethingwrongwithhismedullaoblongata.Youdon’tneedalettergivingourlatestdoings.Whatyouneedisaquartofiodineinyourthyroidgland.]

Now, if people who devote their lives to advertising and who pose asexperts in theartof influencingpeople tobuy– if theywritea letter like that,whatcanweexpectfromthebutcherandbakerortheautomechanic?

Here is another letter, written by the superintendent of a large freight

terminaltoastudentofthiscourse,EdwardVermylen.Whateffectdidthisletterhaveonthemantowhomitwasaddressed?ReaditandthenI’lltellyou.

A.Zerega’sSons,Inc.28FrontSt.Brooklyn,N.Y.11201Attention:Mr.EdwardVermylenGentlemen:

The operations at our outbound-rail-receiving station arehandicappedbecauseamaterialpercentageofthetotalbusinessisdelivered us in the late afternoon. This condition results incongestion, overtime on the part of our forces, delays to trucks,andinsomecasesdelaystofreight.OnNovember10,wereceivedfromyourcompanyalotof510pieces,whichreachedhereat4.20.P.M.

We solicit your cooperation toward overcoming theundesirableeffectsarisingfromlatereceiptoffreight.Mayweaskthat,ondaysonwhichyoushipthevolumewhichwasreceivedontheabovedate,effortbemadeeithertogetthetruckhereearlierortodeliveruspartofthefreightduringthemorning?

The advantage that would accrue to you under such anarrangementwouldbethatofmoreexpeditiousdischargeofyourtrucksandtheassurancethatyourbusinesswouldgoforwardonthedateofitsreceipt.

Verytrulyyours,J–B–,Supt.

Afterreadingthisletter,Mr.Vermylen,salesmanagerforA.Zerega’sSons,Inc.,sentittomewiththefollowingcomment:

This letter had the reverse effect from that which wasintended. The letter begins by describing the Terminal’sdifficulties,inwhichwearenotinterested,generallyspeaking.Ourcooperationisthenrequestedwithoutanythoughtastowhetheritwould inconvenience us, and then finally, in the last paragraph,the fact ismentioned that if we do cooperate it willmeanmoreexpeditious discharge of our trucks with the assurance that ourfreightwillgoforwardonthedateofitsreceipt.

In other words, that in which we are most interested is

mentioned last, and thewhole effect is one of raising a spirit ofantagonismratherthanofcooperation.

Let’s see ifwe can’t rewrite and improve this letter. Let’s notwaste any timetalking about our problems. As Henry Ford admonishes, let’s ‘get the otherperson’spointofviewandseethingsfromhisorherangle,aswellasfromourown.’Hereisonewayofrevisingtheletter.Itmaynotbethebestway,butisn’titanimprovement?

Mr.EdwardVermylenc/oAZerega’sSons,Inc.28FrontSt.Brooklyn,N.Y.11201DearMr.Vermylen:

Your company has been one of our good customers forfourteenyears.Naturally,weareverygratefulforyourpatronageandareeagertogiveyouthespeedy,efficientserviceyoudeserve.However,we regret to say that it isn’t possible for us to do thatwhenyourtrucksbringusalargeshipmentlateintheafternoon,astheydidonNovember10.Why?Becausemanyothercustomersmake late afternoon deliveries also. Naturally, that causescongestion.Thatmeansyourtrucksareheldupunavoidablyatthepierandsometimesevenyourfreightisdelayed.

That’sbad,butitcanbeavoided.Ifyoumakeyourdeliveriesatthepierinthemorningwhenpossible,yourtruckswillbeabletokeepmoving,yourfreightwillgetimmediateattention,andourworkers will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of thedeliciousmacaroniandnoodlesthatyoumanufacture.

Regardless of when your shipments arrive, we shall alwayscheerfullydoallinourpowertoserveyoupromptly.

Youarebusy.Pleasedon’ttroubletoanswerthisnote.Yourstruly,

J–B–,Supt.

Barbara Anderson, who worked in a bank in New York, desired to move toPhoenix,Arizona,becauseofthehealthofherson.Usingtheprinciplesshehadlearnedinourcourse,shewrotethefollowinglettertotwelvebanksinPhoenix:

DearSir:

My ten years of bank experience should be of interest to arapidlygrowingbanklikeyours.

In various capacities in bank operations with the BankersTrustCompanyinNewYork,leadingtomypresentassignmentasBranchManager, I have acquired skills in all phases of bankingincludingdepositorrelations,credits,loansandadministration.

Iwill be relocating to Phoenix inMay and I am sure I cancontributetoyourgrowthandprofit.IwillbeinPhoenixtheweekofApril3andwouldappreciatetheopportunitytoshowyouhowIcanhelpyourbankmeetitsgoals.

Sincerely,BarbaraL.Anderson

DoyouthinkMrs.Andersonreceivedanyresponsefromthat letter?Elevenofthe twelvebanks invitedher tobe interviewed,andshehadachoiceofwhichbank’soffertoaccept.Why?Mrs.Andersondidnotstatewhatshewanted,butwroteintheletterhowshecouldhelpthem,andfocusedontheirwants,notherown.

Thousands of salespeople are pounding the pavements today, tired,discouraged and underpaid. Why? Because they are always thinking only ofwhattheywant.Theydon’trealisethatneitheryounorIwanttobuyanything.Ifwedid,wewouldgooutandbuy it.Butbothofusareeternally interested insolving our problems. And if salespeople can show us how their services ormerchandisewillhelpussolveourproblems, theywon’tneedtosellus.We’llbuy.Andcustomersliketofeelthattheyarebuying–notbeingsold.

Yetmanysalespeoplespendalifetimeinsellingwithoutseeingthingsfromthecustomer’sangle.Forexample,formanyyearsIlivedinForestHills,alittlecommunityofprivatehomes in thecentreofGreaterNewYork.Onedayas Iwas rushing to the station, I chanced to meet a real-estate operator who hadboughtandsoldpropertyinthatareaformanyyears.HeknewForestHillswell,soIhurriedlyaskedhimwhetherornotmystuccohousewasbuiltwithmetallathorhollowtile.Hesaidhedidn’tknowandtoldmewhatIalreadyknew–that I could find out by calling the Forest Hills Garden Association. Thefollowingmorning,Ireceivedaletterfromhim.DidhegivemetheinformationIwanted?Hecouldhavegotten it insixtysecondsbya telephonecall.Buthedidn’t.HetoldmeagainthatIcouldgetitbytelephoning,andthenaskedmetolethimhandlemyinsurance.

He was not interested in helping me. He was interested only in helpinghimself.

J.HowardLucasofBirmingham,Alabama,tellshowtwosalespeoplefromthesamecompanyhandledthesametypeofsituation.Hereported:

‘Several years ago I was on the management team of a small company.Headquarterednearuswasthedistrictofficeofalargeinsurancecompany.Theiragentswereassigned territories,andourcompanywasassigned to twoagents,whomIshallrefertoasCarlandJohn.

‘Onemorning,Carldroppedbyourofficeandcasuallymentionedthathiscompany had just introduced a new life insurance policy for executives andthoughtwemightbeinterestedlateronandhewouldgetbacktouswhenhehadmoreinformationonit.

‘Thesameday,Johnsawusonthesidewalkwhilereturningfromacoffeebreak, and he shouted: “Hey Luke, hold up, I have some great news for youfellows.” He hurried over and very excitedly told us about an executive lifeinsurance policy his company had introduced that very day. (It was the samepolicythatCarlhadcasuallymentioned.)Hewantedustohaveoneofthefirstissued.Hegaveusafewimportantfactsaboutthecoverageandendedsaying,“Thepolicyissonew,I’mgoingtohavesomeonefromthehomeofficecomeout tomorrow and explain it. Now, in themeantime, let’s get the applicationssigned and on the way so he can have more information to work with.” Hisenthusiasmarousedinusaneagerwantforthispolicyeventhoughwestilldidnothavedetails.When theyweremadeavailable tous, theyconfirmedJohn’sinitialunderstandingofthepolicy,andhenotonlysoldeachofusapolicybutlaterdoubledourcoverage.

‘Carlcouldhavehadthosesales,buthemadenoefforttoarouseinusanydesireforthepolicies.’

Theworldisfullofpeoplewhoaregrabbingandself-seeking.Sotherareindividualwhounselfishlytriestoserveothershasanenormousadvantage.Hehas little competition. OwenD.Young, a noted lawyer and one ofAmerica’sgreatbusinessleaders,oncesaid:‘Peoplewhocanputthemselvesintheplaceofotherpeople,whocanunderstandtheworkingsoftheirminds,needneverworryaboutwhatthefuturehasinstoreforthem.’

Ifoutofreadingthisbookyougetjustonething–anincreasedtendencytothinkalwaysintermsofotherpeople’spointofview,andseethingsfromtheirangle–ifyougetthatonethingoutofthisbook,itmayeasilyprovetobeoneofthebuildingblocksofyourcareer.

Lookingat theotherperson’spointofviewandarousing inhimaneagerwantforsomethingisnottobeconstruedasmanipulatingthatpersonsothathewill do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each partyshouldgainfromthenegotiation.IntheletterstoMr.Vermylen,boththesender

and the receiver of the correspondence gained by implementing what wassuggested.BoththebankandMrs.Andersonwonbyherletterinthatthebankobtained a valuable employee and Mrs. Anderson a suitable job. And in theexample of John’s sale of insurance to Mr. Lucas, both gained through thistransaction.

Another example in which everybody gains through this principle ofarousing an eagerwant comes fromMichael E.Whidden ofWarwick, RhodeIsland,whoisa territorysalesmanfor theShellOilCompany.MikewantedtobecometheNumberOnesalespersoninhisdistrict,butoneservicestationwasholdinghimback. Itwas runby anoldermanwhocouldnotbemotivated toclean up his station. It was in such poor shape that sales were decliningsignificantly.

ThismanagerwouldnotlistentoanyofMike’spleastoupgradethestation.Aftermanyexhortationsandheart-to-hearttalks–allofwhichhadnoimpact–Mike decided to invite the manager to visit the newest Shell station in histerritory.

ThemanagerwassoimpressedbythefacilitiesatthenewstationthatwhenMikevisitedhimthenext time,hisstationwascleanedupandhadrecordedasalesincrease.ThisenabledMiketoreachtheNumberOnespotinhisdistrict.Allhis talkinganddiscussionhadn’thelped,butbyarousinganeagerwant inthemanager,byshowinghimthemodernstation,hehadaccomplishedhisgoal,andboththemanagerandMikebenefited.

Most people go through college and learn to read Virgil and master themysteries of calculuswithout ever discovering how their ownminds function.For instance:Ioncegaveacourse inEffectiveSpeakingfor theyoungcollegegraduateswhowere entering the employ of theCarrierCorporation, the largeair-conditioner manufacturer. One of the participants wanted to persuade theotherstoplaybasketballintheirfreetime,andthisisaboutwhathesaid:‘Iwantyou tocomeoutandplaybasketball. I like toplaybasketball,but the last fewtimesI’vebeentothegymnasiumtherehaven’tbeenenoughpeopletogetupagame.Twoorthreeofusgotbythrowingtheballaroundtheothernight–andIgotablackeye.Iwishallofyouwouldcomedowntomorrownight.Iwanttoplaybasketball.’

Didhetalkaboutanythingyouwant?Youdon’twanttogotoagymnasiumthatnooneelsegoesto,doyou?Youdon’tcareaboutwhathewants.Youdon’twanttogetablackeye.

Could he have shown you how to get the things you want by using thegymnasium?Surely.Morepep.Keeneredgetotheappetite.Clearerbrain.Fun.Games.Basketball.

To repeat Professor Overstreet’s wise advice: First, arouse in the otherpersonan eagerwant.Hewho cando this has thewholeworldwithhim.Hewhocannotwalksalonelyway.

Oneof the students in the author’s training coursewasworried abouthislittle boy. The childwas underweight and refused to eat properly.His parentsusedtheusualmethod.Theyscoldedandnagged.‘Motherwantsyoutoeatthisandthat.’‘Fatherwantsyoutogrowuptobeabigman.’

Didtheboypayanyattentiontothesepleas?Justaboutasmuchasyoupaytoonefleckofsandonasandybeach.

Noonewithatraceofhorsesensewouldexpectachildthreeyearsoldtoreact to theviewpoint of a father thirtyyearsold.Yet thatwaspreciselywhatthat father had expected. It was absurd. He finally saw that. So he said tohimself: ‘Whatdoes that boywant?Howcan I tie upwhat Iwant towhathewants?’

Itwaseasyforthefatherwhenhestartedthinkingaboutit.HisboyhadatricyclethathelovedtorideupanddownthesidewalkinfrontofthehouseinBroolkyn.Afewdoorsdownthestreetlivedabully–abiggerboywhowouldpullthelittleboyoffhistricycleandrideithimself.

Naturally,thelittleboywouldrunscreamingtohismother,andshewouldhave to come out and take the bully off the tricycle and put her little boy onagain.Thishappenedalmosteveryday.

Whatdid the littleboywant? Itdidn’t takeaSherlockHolmes toanswerthat one.His pride, his anger, his desire for a feeling of importance – all thestrongest emotions in hismakeup – goaded him to get revenge, to smash thebullyinthenose.Andwhenhisfatherexplainedthattheboywouldbeabletowallop the daylights out of the bigger kid someday if he would only eat thethingshismotherwantedhimtoeat–whenhisfatherpromisedhimthat–therewas no longer any problem of dietetics. That boy would have eaten spinach,sauerkraut,saltmackerel–anythinginordertobebigenoughtowhipthebullywhohadhumiliatedhimsooften.

After solving that problem, theparents tackled another: the little boyhadtheunholyhabitofwettinghisbed.

He slept with his grandmother. In the morning, his grandmother wouldwake up and feel the sheet and say: ‘Look, Johnny, what you did again lastnight.’

Hewouldsay:‘No,Ididn’tdoit.Youdidit.’Scolding, spanking, shaming him, reiterating that the parents didn’twant

himtodoit–noneofthesethingskeptthebeddry.Sotheparentsasked:‘Howcanwemakethisboywanttostopwettinghisbed?’

Whatwerehiswants?First,hewantedtowearpyjamaslikeDaddyinsteadofwearinganightgownlikeGrandmother.Grandmotherwasgettingfedupwithhisnocturnaliniquities,soshegladlyofferedtobuyhimapairofpyjamasifhewouldreform.Second,hewantedabedofhisown.Grandmotherdidn’tobject.

His mother took him to a department store in Brooklyn, winked at thesalesgirl, and said: ‘Here is a little gentleman who would like to do someshopping.’

Thesalesgirlmadehimfeelimportantbysaying:‘Youngman,whatcanIshowyou?’

Hestoodacoupleofinchestallerandsaid:‘Iwanttobuyabedformyself.’Whenhewasshowntheonehismotherwantedhimtobuy,shewinkedat

thesalesgirlandtheboywaspersuadedtobuyit.The bed was delivered the next day; and that night, when Father came

home,thelittleboyrantothedoorshouting:‘Daddy!Daddy!ComeupstairsandseemybedthatIbought!’

Thefather,lookingatthebed,obeyedCharlesSchwab’sinjunction:hewas‘heartyinhisapprobationandlavishinhispraise.’

‘Youarenotgoingtowetthisbed,areyou?’thefathersaid.‘Ohno,no!Iamnotgoingtowetthisbed.’Theboykepthispromise,for

hispridewasinvolved.Thatwashisbed.Heandhealonehadboughtit.Andhewaswearingpyjamasnowlikealittleman.Hewantedtoactlikeaman.Andhedid.

Another father,K.T.Dutschmann, a telephone engineer, a student of thiscourse,couldn’tgethisthree-year-olddaughtertoeatbreakfastfood.Theusualscolding, pleading, coaxing methods had all ended in futility. So the parentsaskedthemselves:‘Howcanwemakeherwanttodoit?’

Thelittlegirllovedtoimitatehermother,tofeelbigandgrownup;soonemorningtheyputheronachairandlethermakethebreakfastfood.Atjustthepsychologicalmoment,Fatherdriftedintothekitchenwhileshewasstirringthecerealandshesaid:‘Oh,look,Daddy,Iammakingthecerealthismorning.’

She ate twohelpingsof the cerealwithout any coaxing, because shewasinterested in it. She had achieved a feeling of importance; she had found inmakingthecerealanavenueofself-expression.

William Winter once remarked that ‘self-expression is the dominantnecessity of human nature.’ Why can’t we adapt this same psychology tobusinessdealings?Whenwehaveabrilliantidea,insteadofmakingothersthinkit is ours,whynot let themcook and stir the idea themselves.Theywill thenregarditastheirown;theywilllikeitandmaybeeatacoupleofhelpingsofit.

Remember:‘First,arouseintheotherpersonaneagerwant.Hewhocando

thishasthewholeworldwithhim.Hewhocannotwalksalonelyway.’

PRINCIPLE3Arouseintheotherpersonaneagerwant.

INANUTSHELLFUNDAMENTALTECHNIQUESINHANDLINGPEOPLE

PRINCIPLE1Don’tcriticise,condemnorcomplain.

PRINCIPLE2Givehonestandsincereappreciation.

PRINCIPLE3Arouseintheotherpersonaneagerwant.

WHY READ THIS book to find out how to win friends? Why not study thetechniqueof thegreatestwinnerof friends theworldhaseverknown?Who ishe?Youmaymeethimtomorrowcomingdownthestreet.Whenyougetwithinten feet of him,hewill begin towaghis tail. If you stop andpat himhewillalmostjumpoutofhisskintoshowyouhowmuchhelikesyou.Andyouknowthatbehindthisshowofaffectiononhispart, therearenoulteriormotives:hedoesn’twanttosellyouanyrealestate,andhedoesn’twanttomarryyou.

Didyoueverstoptothinkthatadogistheonlyanimalthatdoesn’thavetoworkforaliving?Ahenhastolayeggs,acowhastogivemilk,andacanaryhastosing.Butadogmakeshislivingbygivingyounothingbutlove.

WhenIwasfiveyearsold,myfatherboughtalittleyellow-hairedpupforfifty cents.Hewas the light and joy ofmy childhood. Every afternoon aboutfour-thirty, he would sit in the front yard with his beautiful eyes staringsteadfastlyatthepath,andassoonasheheardmyvoiceorsawmeswingingmydinnerpailthroughthebuckbrush,hewasofflikeashot,racingbreathlesslyupthehilltogreetmewithleapsofjoyandbarksofsheerecstasy.

Tippywasmyconstantcompanionforfiveyears.Thenonetragicnight–Ishall never forget it – he was killed within ten feet of my head, killed bylightning.Tippy’sdeathwasthetragedyofmyboyhood.

Youneverreadabookonpsychology,Tippy.Youdidn’tneedto.Youknewby some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two months bybecoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years bytrying togetotherpeople interested inyou.Letme repeat that.Youcanmakemorefriendsintwomonthsbybecominginterestedinotherpeoplethanyoucanintwoyearsbytryingtogetotherpeopleinterestedinyou.

Yet I know and you know people who blunder through life trying towigwagotherpeopleintobecominginterestedinthem.

Ofcourse, itdoesn’twork.Peoplearenot interested inyou.Theyarenotinterested inme.They are interested in themselves –morning, noon and afterdinner.

The New York Telephone Company made a detailed study of telephone

conversations to find out which word is the most frequently used. You haveguessedit:itisthepersonalpronoun‘I.’‘I.’‘I.’Itwasused3,900timesin500telephoneconversations.‘I.’‘I.’‘I.’‘I.’

Whenyou see a groupphotograph that you are in,whose picture doyoulookforfirst?

Ifwemerelytrytoimpresspeopleandgetpeopleinterestedinus,wewillnever havemany true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are notmade thatway.

Napoleon tried it, and in his last meeting with Josephine he said:‘Josephine,Ihavebeenasfortunateasanymaneverwasonthisearth;andyet,at this hour, you are the only person in the world on whom I can rely.’ Andhistoriansdoubtwhetherhecouldrelyevenonher.

Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book entitledWhatLifeShouldMeantoYou.Inthatbookhesays:‘Itistheindividualwhoisnot interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life andprovidesthegreatestinjurytoothers.Itisfromamongsuchindividualsthatallhumanfailuresspring.’

Youmayreadscoresoferuditetomesonpsychologywithoutcomingacrossastatementmoresignificant foryouandme.Adler’s statement is so richwithmeaningthatIamgoingtorepeatitinitalics:

It is the individualwhoisnot interested inhisfellowmenwhohasthe greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury toothers. It is from among such individuals that all human failuresspring.

Ioncetookacourseinshort-storywritingatNewYorkUniversity,andduringthatcoursetheeditorofaleadingmagazinetalkedtoourclass.Hesaidhecouldpickupanyoneof thedozensofstories thatdriftedacrosshisdeskeverydayandafterreadingafewparagraphshecouldfeelwhetherornottheauthorlikedpeople.‘Iftheauthordoesn’tlikepeople,’hesaid,‘peoplewon’tlikehisorherstories.’

This hard-boiled editor stopped twice in the course of his talk on fictionwritingandapologisedforpreachingasermon.‘Iamtellingyou,’hesaid,‘thesame things your preacher would tell you, but remember, you have to beinterestedinpeopleifyouwanttobeasuccessfulwriterofstories.’

If that is trueofwriting fiction,youcanbesure it is trueofdealingwithpeopleface-to-face.

IspentaneveninginthedressingroomofHowardThurstonthelasttimehe

appeared on Broadway – Thurstonwas the acknowledged dean ofmagicians.For forty years he had travelled all over the world, time and again, creatingillusions, mystifying audiences, and making people gasp with astonishment.Morethan60millionpeoplehadpaidadmissiontohisshow,andhehadmadealmost$2millioninprofit.

I askedMr. Thurston to tell me the secret of his success. His schoolingcertainlyhadnothingtodowithit,forheranawayfromhomeasasmallboy,becameahobo,rodeinboxcars,sleptinhaystacks,beggedhisfoodfromdoortodoor,andlearnedtoreadbylookingoutofboxcarsatsignsalongtherailway.

Didhehavea superiorknowledgeofmagic?No,he toldmehundredsofbookshadbeenwrittenabout legerdemainandscoresofpeopleknewasmuchaboutitashedid.Buthehadtwothingsthattheothersdidn’thave.First,hehadtheabilitytoputhispersonalityacrossthefootlights.Hewasamastershowman.Heknewhumannature.Everythinghedid,everygesture,everyintonationofhisvoice,everyliftingofaneyebrowhadbeencarefullyrehearsedinadvance,andhisactionsweretimedtosplitseconds.But,inadditiontothat,Thurstonhadagenuine interest inpeople.He toldme thatmanymagicianswould lookat theaudienceandsay to themselves, ‘Well, there isabunchofsuckersout there,abunch of hicks; I’ll fool them all right.’ But Thurston’s method was totallydifferent.Hetoldmethateverytimehewentonstagehesaidtohimself:‘Iamgratefulbecausethesepeoplecometoseeme.Theymakeitpossibleformetomakemylivinginaveryagreeableway.I’mgoingtogivethemtheverybestIpossiblycan.’

Hedeclaredheneversteppedinfrontofthefootlightswithoutfirstsayingtohimselfoverandover:‘Ilovemyaudience.Ilovemyaudience.’Ridiculous?Absurd?Youareprivilegedtothinkanythingyoulike.Iammerelypassingitontoyouwithoutcommentasarecipeusedbyoneofthemostfamousmagiciansofalltime.

GeorgeDykeofNorthWarren,Pennsylvania,wasforcedtoretirefromhisservicestationbusinessafterthirtyyearswhenanewhighwaywasconstructedover the site of his station. It wasn’t long before the idle days of retirementbegantoborehim,sohestartedfillinginhistimetryingtoplaymusicandtalkwith many of the accomplished fiddlers. In his humble and friendly way hebecame generally interested in learning the background and interests of everymusician hemet.Althoughhewas not a great fiddler himself, hemademanyfriendsinthispursuit.HeattendedcompetitionsandsoonbecameknowntothecountrymusicfansintheeasternpartoftheUnitedStatesas‘UncleGeorge,theFiddle Scraper from Kinzua County.’ When we heard Uncle George, he wasseventy-twoandenjoyingeveryminuteofhislife.Byhavingasustainedinterest

inother people, he created anew life for himself at a timewhenmost peopleconsidertheirproductiveyearsover.

That, too, was one of the secrets of Theodore Roosevelt’s astonishingpopularity.Evenhisservantslovedhim.Hisvalet,JamesE.Amos,wroteabookabout him entitledTheodoreRoosevelt,Hero toHisValet. In that bookAmosrelatesthisilluminatingincident:

MywifeonetimeaskedthePresidentaboutabobwhite.Shehadneverseenoneandhedescribedittoherfully.Sometimelater,the telephone at our cottage rang. [Amos andhiswife lived in alittle cottage on the Roosevelt estate at Oyster Bay.] My wifeanswereditanditwasMr.Roosevelthimself.Hehadcalledher,hesaid,totellherthattherewasabobwhiteoutsideherwindowandthat if shewould lookout shemight see it.Little things like thatwere so characteristic of him.Whenever hewent by our cottageeventhoughwewereoutofsight,wewouldhearhimcallout:‘Oo-oo-oo,Annie?’or‘Oo-oo-oo,James!’Itwasjustafriendlygreetingashewentby.

Howcouldemployeeskeepfromlikingamanlikethat?Howcouldanyonekeepfromlikinghim?

RooseveltcalledattheWhiteHouseonedaywhenthePresidentandMrs.Taftwereaway.HishonestlikingforhumblepeoplewasshownbythefactthathegreetedalltheoldWhiteHouseservantsbyname,eventhescullerymaids.

‘ButwhenhesawAlice, thekitchenmaid,’writesArchieButt, ‘heaskedherifshestillmadecornbread.Alicetoldhimthatshesometimesmadeitfortheservants,butnooneateitupstairs.

‘“Theyshowbad taste,”Rooseveltboomed,“and I’ll tell thePresidentsowhenIseehim.”

‘Alice brought a piece to him on a plate, and hewent over to the officeeatingitashewentandgreetinggardenersandlabourersashepassed...

‘Headdressedeachperson just ashehadaddressed them in thepast. IkeHoover,whohadbeenheadusherattheWhiteHouseforfortyyears,saidwithtearsinhiseyes:“Itistheonlyhappydaywehadinnearlytwoyears,andnotoneofuswouldexchangeitforahundred-dollarbill.”’

The same concern for the seemingly unimportant people helped salesrepresentativeEdwardM.Sykes,Jr.,ofChatham,NewJersey,retainanaccount.‘Manyyearsago,’hereported,‘IcalledoncustomersforJohnsonandJohnsonintheMassachusettsarea.OneaccountwasadrugstoreinHingham.Whenever

IwentintothisstoreIwouldalwaystalktothesodaclerkandsalesclerkforafewminutesbeforetalkingtotheownertoobtainhisorder.OnedayIwentuptotheownerofthestore,andhetoldmetoleaveashewasnotinterestedinbuyingJ&Jproductsanymorebecausehefelttheywereconcentratingtheiractivitiesonfoodanddiscountstorestothedetrimentofthesmalldrugstore.I leftwithmytail betweenmy legs and drove around the town for several hours. Finally, Idecided togobackand tryat least toexplainourposition to theownerof thestore.

‘WhenIreturnedIwalkedinandasusualsaidhellotothesodaclerkandsalesclerk.WhenIwalkeduptotheowner,hesmiledatmeandwelcomedmeback.Hethengavemedoubletheusualorder.Ilookedathimwithsurpriseandaskedhimwhathadhappenedsincemyvisitonlyafewhoursearlier.HepointedtotheyoungmanatthesodafountainandsaidthatafterIhadleft,theboyhadcomeoverandsaidthatIwasoneofthefewsalespeoplethatcalledonthestorethatevenbotheredtosayhellotohimandtotheothersinthestore.Hetoldtheownerthatifanysalespersondeservedhisbusiness,itwasI.Theowneragreedandremainedaloyalcustomer.Ineverforgotthattobegenuinelyinterestedinotherpeople isamost importantquality forasalesperson topossess– foranyperson,forthatmatter.’

Ihavediscoveredfrompersonalexperiencethatonecanwintheattentionand time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becominggenuinelyinterestedinthem.Letmeillustrate.

YearsagoIconductedacourseinfictionwritingat theBrooklynInstituteof Arts and Sciences, and wewanted such distinguished and busy authors asKathleenNorris,FannieHurst, IdaTarbell,AlbertPaysonTerhuneandRupertHughestocometoBrooklynandgiveusthebenefitoftheirexperiences.Sowewrotethem,sayingweadmiredtheirworkandweredeeplyinterestedingettingtheiradviceandlearningthesecretsoftheirsuccess.

Eachoftheseletterswassignedbyaboutahundredandfiftystudents.Wesaidwerealisedthattheseauthorswerebusy–toobusytopreparealecture.Soweenclosed a list of questions for them to answer about themselves and theirmethodsofwork.Theylikedthat.Whowouldn’tlikeit?SotheylefttheirhomesandtravelledtoBrooklyntogiveusahelpinghand.

By using the samemethod, I persuadedLeslieM.Shaw, secretary of thetreasury in Theodore Roosevelt’s cabinet; George W. Wickersham, attorneygeneral in Taft’s cabinet;William Jennings Bryan; Franklin D. Roosevelt andmany other prominent men to come to talk to the students of my courses inpublicspeaking.

Allofus,beweworkersinafactory,clerksinanofficeorevenakingupon

his throne–allofus likepeoplewhoadmireus.Take theGermanKaiser, forexample.At the closeofWorldWar Ihewasprobably themost savagely anduniversallydespisedmanonthisearth.EvenhisownnationturnedagainsthimwhenhefledoverintoHollandtosavehisneck.Thehatredagainsthimwassointensethatmillionsofpeoplewouldhavelovedtotearhimlimbfromlimborburnhimat the stake. In themidstofall this forest fireof fury,one littleboywrotetheKaiserasimple,sincereletterglowingwithkindlinessandadmiration.Thislittleboysaidthatnomatterwhattheothersthought,hewouldalwaysloveWilhelm as his Emperor. The Kaiser was deeply touched by this letter andinvitedthelittleboytocometoseehim.Theboycame,sodidhismother–andtheKaisermarriedher.Thatlittleboydidn’tneedtoreadabookonhowtowinfriendsandinfluencepeople.Heknewhowinstinctively.

Ifwewant tomake friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for otherpeople – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.WhentheDukeofWindsorwasPrinceofWales,hewasscheduledtotourSouthAmerica, and before he started out on that tour he spent months studyingSpanishsothathecouldmakepublic talksinthelanguageof thecountry;andtheSouthAmericanslovedhimforit.

Foryears Imade itapoint to findout thebirthdaysofmyfriends.How?Although Ihaven’t the foggiestbitof faith inastrology, Ibeganbyasking theotherpartywhetherhebelievedthedateofone’sbirthhasanythingtodowithcharacteranddisposition.Ithenaskedhimorhertotellmethemonthanddayofbirth.IfheorshesaidNovember24,forexample,Ikeptrepeatingtomyself,‘November24,November24.’Theminutemyfriend’sbackwasturnedIwrotedownthenameandbirthdayandlaterwouldtransferittoabirthdaybook.Atthebeginningofeachyear,Ihadthesebirthdaydatesscheduledinmycalendarpadso that they came tomy attention automatically.When the natal day arrived,therewasmy letteror telegram.Whatahit itmade! Iwas frequently theonlypersononearthwhoremembered.

If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation andenthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the samepsychology.Say‘Hello’ in tones thatbespeakhowpleasedyouare tohavethepersoncall.Manycompaniestraintheirtelephoneoperatorstogreetallcallersina tone of voice that radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels thecompany is concerned about them. Let’s remember that when we answer thetelephonetomorrow.

Showingagenuineinterestinothersnotonlywinsfriendsforyou,butmaydevelopinitscustomersaloyaltytoyourcompany.InanissueofthepublicationoftheNationalBankofNorthAmericaofNewYork,thefollowingletterfrom

MadelineRosedale,adepositor,waspublished:1‘IwouldlikeyoutoknowhowmuchIappreciateyourstaff.Everyoneisso

courteous,politeandhelpful.Whatapleasureitis,afterwaitingonalongline,tohavethetellergreetyoupleasantly.

‘Lastyearmymotherwashospitalisedforfivemonths.FrequentlyIwenttoMariePetrucello,ateller.Shewasconcernedaboutmymotherandinquiredaboutherprogress.’

IsthereanydoubtthatMrsRosedalewillcontinuetousethisbank?Charles R. Walters, of one of the large banks in New York City, was

assigned toprepare a confidential report on a certain corporation.Heknewofonlyonepersonwhopossessedthefactsheneededsourgently.AsMr.Walterswasusheredintothepresident’soffice,ayoungwomanstuckherheadthroughadoorandtoldthepresidentthatshedidn’thaveanystampsforhimthatday.

‘I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son,’ the presidentexplainedtoMr.Walters.

Mr.Walters statedhismission andbegan askingquestions.Thepresidentwas vague, general, nebulous. He didn’t want to talk, and apparently nothingcouldpersuadehimtotalk.Theinterviewwasbriefandbarren.

‘Frankly,Ididn’tknowwhattodo,’Mr.Walterssaidasherelatedthestoryto theclass. ‘ThenI rememberedwhathissecretaryhadsaid tohim–stamps,twelve-year-oldson . . .AndIalso recalled that the foreigndepartmentofourbank collected stamps – stamps taken from letters pouring in from everycontinentwashedbythesevenseas.

‘ThenextafternoonIcalledonthismanandsentinwordthatIhadsomestampsforhisboy.WasIusheredinwithenthusiasm?Yessir.Hecouldn’thaveshakenmyhandwithmoreenthusiasmifhehadbeenrunningforCongress.Heradiatedsmilesandgoodwill.“MyGeorgewilllovethisone,”hekeptsayingashefondledthestamps.“Andlookatthis!Thisisatreasure.”

‘Wespenthalfanhourtalkingstampsandlookingatapictureofhisboy,and then he devotedmore than an hour of his time to givingme every bit ofinformationIwanted–withoutmyevensuggestingthathedoit.Hetoldmeallheknew,andthencalledinhissubordinatesandquestionedthem.Hetelephonedsome of his associates. He loaded me down with facts, figures, reports andcorrespondence.Intheparlanceofnewspaperreporters,Ihadascoop.’

Hereisanotherillustration:C.M.Knaphle,Jr.,ofPhiladelphiahadtriedforyearstosellfueltoalarge

chain-storeorganisation.Butthechain-storecompanycontinuedtopurchaseitsfuel from an out-of-town dealer and haul it right past the door of Knaphle’soffice.Mr.Knaphlemadeaspeechonenightbeforeoneofmyclasses,pouring

outhishotwrathuponchainstores,brandingthemasacursetothenation.Andstillhewonderedwhyhecouldn’tsellthem.I suggested that he try different tactics. To put it briefly, this is what

happened.Westagedadebatebetweenmembersof the courseonwhether thespreadofthechainstoreisdoingthecountrymoreharmthatgood.

Knaphle,atmysuggestion,tookthenegativeside;heagreedtodefendthechainstore,andthenwentstraighttoanexecutiveofthechain-storeorganisationthathedespisedandsaid:‘Iamnotheretotrytosellfuel.Ihavecometoaskyoutodomeafavour.’Hethentoldabouthisdebateandsaid,‘IhavecometoyouforhelpbecauseIcan’tthinkofanyoneelsewhowouldbemorecapableofgiving me the facts I want. I’m anxious to win this debate, and I’ll deeplyappreciatewhateverhelpyoucangiveme.’

HereistherestofthestoryinMr.Knaphle’sownwords:

Ihadaskedthismanforpreciselyoneminuteofhis time.Itwaswiththatunderstandingthatheconsentedtoseeme.AfterIhadstatedmy case, hemotionedme to a chair and talked tome forexactly one hour and forty-seven minutes. He called in anotherexecutivewhohadwrittenabookonchainstores.HewrotetotheNationalChainStoreAssociationandsecuredformeacopyofadebateonthesubject.Hefeelsthatthechainstoreisrenderingareal service to humanity. He is proud of what he is doing forhundredsofcommunities.Hiseyesfairlyglowedashetalked,andImustconfessthatheopenedmyeyestothingsIhadneverevendreamedof.Hechangedmywholementalattitude.

AsIwasleaving,hewalkedwithmetothedoor,puthisarmaroundmyshoulder,wishedmewellinmydebate,andaskedmeto stop in and seehimagain and let himknowhow Imade out.The lastwordshe said tomewere: ‘Please seemeagain later inthespring.Ishouldliketoplaceanorderwithyouforfuel.’

Tomethatwasalmostamiracle.Herehewasofferingtobuyfuelwithoutmyevensuggesting it. Ihadmademoreheadwayintwo hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and hisproblems than I couldhavemade in ten years trying to get himinterestedinmeandmyproduct.

Youdidn’t discover anew truth,Mr.Knaphle, for a long timeago, ahundredyears before Christ was born, a famous old Roman poet, Publilius Syrus,remarked:‘Weareinterestedinotherswhentheyareinterestedinus.’

Ashowofinterest,aswitheveryotherprincipleofhumanrelations,mustbesincere.Itmustpayoffnotonlyforthepersonshowingtheinterest,butforthepersonreceivingtheattention.Itisatwo-waystreet–bothpartiesbenefit.

MartinGinsberg,whotookourcourseinLongIsland,NewYork,reportedhowthespecialinterestanursetookinhimprofoundlyaffectedhislife:

‘ItwasThanksgivingDayandIwastenyearsold.Iwasinawelfarewardof a city hospital andwas scheduled to undergomajor orthopedic surgery thenext day. I knew that I could only look forward to months of confinement,convalescenceandpain.Myfatherwasdead;mymotherandIlivedaloneinasmallapartmentandwewereonwelfare.Mymotherwasunabletovisitmethatday.

‘Asthedaywenton,Ibecameoverwhelmedwiththefeelingofloneliness,despairandfear.Iknewmymotherwasathomealoneworryingaboutme,nothaving anyone tobewith, not having anyone to eatwith andnot evenhavingenoughmoneytoaffordaThanksgivingDaydinner.

‘Thetearswelledupinmyeyes,andIstuckmyheadunderthepillowandpulledthecoversoverit.Icriedsilently,butohsobitterly,somuchthatmybodyrackedwithpain.

‘Ayoungstudentnurseheardmysobbingandcameovertome.Shetookthecoversoffmyfaceandstartedwipingmytears.Shetoldmehowlonelyshewas,havingtoworkthatdayandnotbeingabletobewithherfamily.SheaskedmewhetherIwouldhavedinnerwithher.Shebroughttwotraysoffood:slicedturkey,mashedpotatoes,cranberrysauceandicecreamfordessert.Shetalkedtomeandtriedtocalmmyfears.Eventhoughshewasscheduledtogooffdutyat4P.M.,shestayedonherowntimeuntilalmost11P.M..Sheplayedgameswithme,talkedtomeandstayedwithmeuntilIfinallyfellasleep.

‘ManyThanksgivingshavecomeandgonesinceIwas ten,butoneneverpasses without me remembering that particular one and my feelings offrustration, fear, loneliness and thewarmth and tenderness of the stranger thatsomehowmadeitallbearable.’

Ifyouwantothers to likeyou, ifyouwant todevelop real friendships, ifyouwanttohelpothersatthesametimeasyouhelpyourself,keepthisprincipleinmind;

PRINCIPLE1Becomegenuinelyinterestedinotherpeople.

1.Eagle,publicationoftheNationalBankofNorthAmerica,NewYork,March31,1978.

ATADINNERpartyinNewYork,oneoftheguests,awomanwhohadinheritedmoney, was eager to make a pleasing impression on everyone. She hadsquandered a modest fortune on sables, diamonds and pearls. But she hadn’tdoneanythingwhateveraboutherface.Itradiatedsournessandselfishness.Shedidn’t realisewhat everyoneknows:namely, that the expressiononewears onone’sfaceisfarmoreimportantthantheclothesonewearsonone’sback.

CharlesSchwabtoldmehissmilehadbeenworthamilliondollars.Andhewas probably understating the truth. For Schwab’s personality, his charm, hisability to make people like him, were almost wholly responsible for hisextraordinarysuccess;andoneof themostdelightful factors inhispersonalitywashiscaptivatingsmile.

Actionsspeaklouderthanwords,andasmilesays,‘I likeyou.Youmakemehappy.Iamgladtoseeyou.’

That is why dogsmake such a hit. They are so glad to see us that theyalmostjumpoutoftheirskins.So,naturally,wearegladtoseethem.

Ababy’ssmilehasthesameeffect.Haveyoueverbeeninadoctor’swaitingroomandlookedaroundatallthe

glumfaceswaitingimpatientlytobeseen?Dr.StephenK.Sproul,aveterinarianinRaytown,Missouri, toldofa typicalspringdaywhenhiswaitingroomwasfull of clients waiting to have their pets inoculated. No one was talking toanyoneelse,andallwereprobablythinkingofadozenotherthingstheywouldrather be doing than ‘wasting time’ sitting in that office. He told one of ourclasses:‘Thereweresixorsevenclientswaitingwhenayoungwomancameinwithanine-months-oldbabyandakitten.Asluckwouldhaveit,shesatdownnexttoagentlemanwhowasmorethanalittledistraughtaboutthelongwaitforservice.Thenextthingheknew,thebabyjustlookedupathimwiththatgreatbig smile that is so characteristic of babies.What did that gentlemando? JustwhatyouandIwoulddo,ofcourse;hesmiledbackatthebaby.Soonhestruckup a conversationwith thewoman about her baby and his grandchildren, andsoon the entire reception room joined in, and the boredom and tension wereconvertedintoapleasantandenjoyableexperience.’

An insincere grin? No. That doesn’t fool anybody. We know it ismechanical andwe resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarmingsmile,asmilethatcomesfromwithin, thekindofsmilethatwillbringagoodpriceinthemarketplace.

Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University ofMichigan, expressed his feelings about a smile. ‘People who smile,’ he said,‘tend tomanage, teachandsellmoreeffectively,and to raisehappierchildren.There’sfarmoreinformationinasmilethanafrown.That’swhyencouragementisamuchmoreeffectiveteachingdevicethanpunishment.’

The employmentmanager of a largeNewYorkdepartment store toldmeshewouldratherhireasalesclerkwhohadn’tfinishedgradeschool,ifheorshehasapleasantsmile,thantohireadoctorofphilosophywithasombreface.

The effect of a smile is powerful – even when it is unseen. TelephonecompaniesthroughouttheUnitedStateshaveaprogrammecalled‘phonepower’whichisofferedtoemployeeswhousethetelephoneforsellingtheirservicesorproducts. In this programme they suggest that you smilewhen talking on thephone.Your‘smile’comesthroughinyourvoice.

Robert Cryer,manager of a computer department for a Cincinnati, Ohio,company,toldhowhehadsuccessfullyfoundtherightapplicantforahard-to-fillposition:

‘I was desperately trying to recruit a Ph.D. in computer science for mydepartment. I finally located a young man with ideal qualification who wasabouttobegraduatedfromPurdueUniversity.AfterseveralphoneconversationsIlearnedthathehadseveraloffersfromothercompanies,manyofthemlargerandbetterknownthanmine.Iwasdelightedwhenheacceptedmyoffer.Afterhe started on the job, I asked himwhy he had chosen us over the others.Hepausedforamomentandthenhesaid:“Ithinkitwasbecausemanagersintheothercompaniesspokeonthephoneinacold,businesslikemanner,whichmademefeellikejustanotherbusinesstransaction.Yourvoicesoundedasifyouwereglad to hear from me . . . that you really wanted me to be part of yourorganisation.”Youcanbeassured,Iamstillansweringmyphonewithasmile.’

The chairman of the board of directors of one of the largest rubbercompanies in the United States told me that, according to his observations,peoplerarelysucceedatanythingunlesstheyhavefundoingit.Thisindustrialleaderdoesn’tputmuchfaithintheoldadagethathardworkaloneisthemagickeythatwillunlockthedoortoourdesires.‘Ihaveknownpeople,’hesaid,‘whosucceededbecause theyhada rip-roaringgood timeconducting theirbusiness.Later, I saw those people change as the fun became work. The business hadgrowndull.Theylostalljoyinit,andtheyfailed.’

Youmusthaveagood timemeetingpeople ifyouexpect them tohaveagoodtimemeetingyou.

Ihaveaskedthousandsofbusinesspeopletosmileatsomeoneeveryhourofthedayforaweekandthencometoclassandtalkabouttheresults.Howdiditwork?Let’ssee.. .HereisaletterfromWilliamB.Steinhardt,aNewYorkstockbroker.Hiscaseisn’tisolated.Infact,itistypicalofhundredsofcases.

‘Ihavebeenmarriedforovereighteenyears,’wroteMr.Steinhardt,‘andinallthattimeIseldomsmiledatmywifeorspoketwodozenwordstoherfromthetimeIgotupuntilIwasreadytoleaveforbusiness.IwasoneoftheworstgroucheswhoeverwalkeddownBroadway.

‘When you askedme tomake a talk aboutmy experiencewith smiles, IthoughtIwouldtryitforaweek.Sothenextmorning,whilecombingmyhair,Ilookedatmyglummuginthemirrorandsaidtomyself,“Bill,youaregoingtowipe thescowloff that sourpussofyours today.Youaregoing tosmile.Andyouaregoingtobeginrightnow.”AsIsatdowntobreakfast,Igreetedmywifewitha“Goodmorning,mydear,”andsmiledasIsaidit.

‘Youwarnedmethatshemightbesurprised.Well,youunderestimatedherreaction.Shewasbewildered.Shewasshocked.Itoldherthatinthefutureshecouldexpectthisasaregularoccurrence,andIkeptitupeverymorning.

‘ThischangedattitudeofminebroughtmorehappinessintoourhomeinthetwomonthssinceIstartedthantherewasduringthelastyear.

‘As I leave for my office, I greet the elevator operator in the apartmenthousewitha“Goodmorning”andasmile.Igreetthedoormanwithasmile.IsmileatthecashierinthesubwayboothwhenIaskforchange.AsIstandontheflooroftheStockExchange,Ismileatpeoplewhountilrecentlyneversawmesmile.

‘I soon found that everybodywas smiling back atme. I treat thosewhocome tomewith complaints or grievances in a cheerfulmanner. I smile as Ilistento themandIfindthatadjustmentsareaccomplishedmucheasier. I findthatsmilesarebringingmedollars,manydollarseveryday.

‘Isharemyofficewithanotherbroker.Oneofhisclerksisalikableyoungchap,andIwassoelatedabouttheresultsIwasgettingthatItoldhimrecentlyaboutmy new philosophy of human relations.He then confessed thatwhen Ifirstcametosharemyofficewithhisfirmhethoughtmeaterriblegrouch–andonlyrecentlychangedhismind.HesaidIwasreallyhumanwhenIsmiled.

‘Ihavealsoeliminatedcriticismfrommysystem. Igiveappreciationandpraisenowinsteadofcondemnation.IhavestoppedtalkingaboutwhatIwant.Iam now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint. And these things haveliterally revolutionisedmy life. I am a totally differentman, a happierman, a

richer man, richer in friendships and happiness – the only things that mattermuchafterall.’

Youdon’tfeellikesmiling?Thenwhat?Twothings.First,forceyourselftosmile.Ifyouarealone,forceyourselftowhistleorhumatuneorsing.Actasifyouwerealreadyhappy,andthatwilltendtomakeyouhappy.HereisthewaythepsychologistandphilosopherWilliamJamesputit:

‘Actionseemstofollowfeeling,but reallyactionandfeelinggo together;andbyregulatingtheaction,whichisunderthemoredirectcontrolofthewill,wecanindirectlyregulatethefeeling,whichisnot.

‘Thus the sovereignvoluntarypath tocheerfulness, ifourcheerfulnessbelost,istositupcheerfullyandtoactandspeakasifcheerfulnesswerealreadythere...’

Everybodyintheworldisseekinghappiness–andthereisonesurewaytofind it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend onoutwardconditions.Itdependsoninnerconditions.

It isn’twhat youhaveorwhoyou are orwhereyou are orwhat you aredoing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. Forexample,twopeoplemaybeinthesameplace,doingthesamething;bothmayhave about an equal amount of money and prestige – and yet one may bemiserable and the other happy.Why?Because of a differentmental attitude. Ihaveseenjustasmanyhappyfacesamongthepoorpeasants toilingwith theirprimitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in air-conditionedofficesinNewYork,ChicagoorLosAngeles.

‘There is nothing either good or bad,’ said Shakespeare, ‘but thinkingmakesitso.’

Abe Lincoln once remarked that ‘most folks are about as happy as theymakeuptheirmindstobe.’Hewasright.IsawavividillustrationofthattruthasIwaswalkingupthestairsoftheLongIslandRailroadstationinNewYork.Directlyinfrontofmethirtyorfortycrippledboysoncanesandcrutcheswerestrugglingupthestairs.Oneboyhadtobecarriedup.Iwasastonishedattheirlaughterandgaiety.Ispokeaboutittooneofthemeninchargeoftheboys.‘Oh,yes,’hesaid,‘whenaboyrealisesthatheisgoingtobeacrippleforlife,heisshockedatfirst;butafterhegetsovertheshock,heusuallyresignshimselftohisfateandthenbecomesashappyasnormalboys.’

Ifeltliketakingmyhatofftothoseboys.TheytaughtmealessonIhopeIshallneverforget.

Workingallbyoneselfinaclosed-offroominanofficenotonlyislonely,butitdeniesonetheopportunityofmakingfriendswithotheremployeesinthecompany.SeñoraMariaGonzalezofGuadalajara,Mexico,hadsucha job.She

enviedthesharedcomradeshipofotherpeopleinthecompanyassheheardtheirchatterandlaughter.Asshepassedtheminthehallduringthefirstweeksofheremployment,sheshylylookedtheotherway.

After a few weeks, she said to herself, ‘Maria, you can’t expect thosewomentocometoyou.Youhavetogooutandmeetthem.’Thenexttimeshewalkedtothewatercooler,sheputonherbrightestsmileandsaid,‘Hi,howareyoutoday’toeachofthepeopleshemet.Theeffectwasimmediate.Smilesandhellos were returned, the hallway seemed brighter, the job friendlier.Acquaintanceshipsdevelopedandsomeripenedintofriendships.Herjobandherlifebecamemorepleasantandinteresting.

Peruse this bit of sage advice from the essayist and publisher ElbertHubbard–butremember,perusingitwon’tdoyouanygoodunlessyouapplyit:

Wheneveryougoout-of-doors,drawthechinin,carrythecrownoftheheadhigh,andfillthelungstotheutmost;drinkinthesunshine;greetyourfriendswithasmile,andputsoulintoeveryhandclasp.Donotfearbeingmisunderstoodanddonotwasteaminutethinkingaboutyourenemies.Trytofixfirmlyinyourmindwhatyouwouldlike todo;andthen,withoutveeringoffdirection,youwillmovestraight tothegoal.Keepyourmindonthegreatandsplendidthingsyouwouldliketodo,andthen,asthedaysgoglidingaway,youwillfindyourselfunconsciouslyseizingupontheopportunitiesthatarerequiredforthefulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from therunning tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able,earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold ishourlytransformingyouintothatparticularindividual...Thoughtissupreme. Preserve a right mental attitude – the attitude of courage,frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All thingscomethroughdesireandeverysincereprayerisanswered.Webecomelike that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and thecrownofyourheadhigh.Wearegodsinthechrysalis.

TheancientChinesewereawiselot–wiseinthewaysoftheworld;andtheyhadaproverbthatyouandIoughttocutoutandpasteinsideourhats.Itgoeslikethis:‘Amanwithoutasmilingfacemustnotopenashop.’

Yoursmileisamessengerofyourgoodwill.Yoursmilebrightensthelivesofallwhoseeit.Tosomeonewhohasseenadozenpeoplefrown,scowlorturntheir faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.Especiallywhenthatsomeoneisunderpressurefromhisbosses,hiscustomers,

his teachers or parents or children, a smile canhelp him realise that all is nothopeless–thatthereisjoyintheworld.

Someyearsago,adepartmentstoreinNewYorkCity,inrecognitionofthepressures its sales clerkswere under during theChristmas rush, presented thereadersofitsadvertisementswiththefollowinghomelyphilosophy:

TheValueofaSmileatChristmas

Itcostsnothing,butcreatesmuch.Itenrichesthosewhoreceive,withoutimpoverishingthosewhogive.Ithappensinaflashandthememoryofitsometimeslastsforever.Nonearesorichtheycangetalongwithoutit,andnonesopoorbutarericherforitsbenefits.Itcreateshappinessinthehome,fostersgoodwillinabusiness,andisthecountersignoffriends.Itisresttotheweary,daylighttothediscouraged,sunshinetothesad,andNature’sbestantidotefortrouble.Yetitcannotbebought,begged,borrowed,orstolen,foritissomethingthatisnoearthlygoodtoanybodytillitisgivenaway.Andifinthelast-minuterushofChristmasbuyingsomeofoursalespeopleshouldbetootiredtogiveyouasmile,mayweaskyoutoleaveoneofyours?Fornobodyneedsasmilesomuchasthosewhohavenonelefttogive!

PRINCIPLE2Smile.

BACK IN1898, a tragic thinghappened inRocklandCounty,NewYork.Achildhaddied,andonthisparticulardaytheneighbourswerepreparingtogotothefuneral.JimFarleywentout tothebarntohitchuphishorse.Thegroundwascoveredwithsnow,theairwascoldandsnappy;thehorsehadn’tbeenexercisedfor days, and as hewas led out to thewatering trough, hewheeled playfully,kickedbothhisheelshighintheair,andkilledJimFarley.SothelittlevillageofStonyPointhadtwofuneralsthatweekinsteadofone.

Jim Farley left behind him a widow and three boys, and a few hundreddollarsininsurance.

Hisoldestboy,Jim,wasten,andhewenttoworkinabrickyard,wheelingsandandpouringitintothemouldsandturningthebrickonedgetobedriedbythesun.ThisboyJimneverhadachance togetmucheducation.Butwithhisnatural geniality, he had a flair for making people like him, so he went intopolitics, and as the years went by, he developed an uncanny ability forrememberingpeople’snames.

Heneversawtheinsideofahighschool;butbeforehewasforty-sixyearsof age, four colleges had honoured him with degrees and he had becomechairmanoftheDemocraticNationalCommitteeandPostmasterGeneraloftheUnitedStates.

IonceinterviewedJimFarleyandaskedhimthesecretofhissuccess.Hesaid,‘Hardwork,’andIsaid,‘Don’tbefunny.’

HethenaskedmewhatIthoughtwasthereasonforhissuccess.Ireplied:‘Iunderstandyoucancalltenthousandpeoplebytheirfirstnames.’

‘No.Youarewrong,’hesaid.‘Icancallfiftythousandpeoplebytheirfirstnames.’

Makenomistakeabout it.That abilityhelpedMr.FarleyputFranklinD.RooseveltintheWhiteHousewhenhemanagedRoosevelt’scampaignin1932.

During the years that Jim Farley travelled as a salesman for a gypsumconcern,andduringtheyearsthatheheldofficeastownclerkinStonyPoint,hebuiltupasystemforrememberingnames.

In the beginning, it was a very simple one. Whenever he met a new

acquaintance,hefoundouthisorhercompletenameandsomefactsabouthisorherfamily,businessandpoliticalopinions.Hefixedallthesefactswellinmindaspartofthepicture,andthenexttimehemetthatperson,evenifitwasayearlater, he was able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about thehollyhocksinthebackyard.Nowonderhedevelopedafollowing!

Formonths beforeRoosevelt’s campaign for President began, JimFarleywrotehundredsoflettersadaytopeoplealloverthewesternandnorthwesternstates.Thenhehoppedontoa trainandinnineteendayscoveredtwentystatesandtwelvethousandmiles,travellingbybuggy,train,automobileandboat.Hewoulddropintotowntomeethispeopleatlunchorbreakfast,teaordinner,andgivethema‘heart-to-hearttalk.’Thenhe’ddashoffagainonanotherlegofhisjourney.

AssoonashearrivedbackEast,hewrote tooneperson ineach townhehadvisited,askingforalistofall thegueststowhomhehadtalked.Thefinallistcontainedthousandsandthousandsofnames:yeteachpersononthatlistwaspaid the subtle flattery of getting a personal letter from James Farley. Theselettersbegan‘DearBill’or‘DearJane,’andtheywerealwayssigned‘Jim.’

Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is moreinterested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth puttogether.Rememberthatnameandcalliteasily,andyouhavepaidasubtleandvery effective compliment. But forget it ormisspell it – and you have placedyourself at a sharp disadvantage. For example, I once organised a publicspeakingcourseinParisandsentformletterstoalltheAmericanresidentsinthecity. French typists with apparently little knowledge of English filled in thenames and naturally they made blunders. One man, the manager of a largeAmericanbankinParis,wrotemeascathingrebukebecausehisnamehadbeenmisspelled.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember a name, particularly if it is hard topronounce. Rather than even try to learn it,many people ignore it or call theperson by an easy nickname. Sid Levy called on a customer for some timewhose namewasNicodemusPapadoulos.Most people just called him ‘Nick.’Levy told us: ‘I made a special effort to say his name over several times tomyself before I mademy call.When I greeted him by his full name: “Goodafternoon,Mr.NicodemusPapadoulos,”hewasshocked.Forwhatseemedlikeseveralminutes therewasno reply fromhimat all.Finally,he saidwith tearsrollingdownhischeeks,“Mr.Levy, inall the fifteenyears Ihavebeen in thiscountry,nobodyhasevermadetheefforttocallmebymyrightname.”’

WhatwasthereasonforAndrewCarnegie’ssuccess?He was called the Steel King; yet he himself knew little about the

manufactureofsteel.Hehadhundredsofpeopleworkingforhimwhoknewfarmoreaboutsteelthanhedid.

Butheknewhowtohandlepeople,andthatiswhatmadehimrich.Earlyinlife,heshowedaflairfororganisation,ageniusfor leadership.Bythetimehewasten,hetoohaddiscoveredtheastoundingimportancepeopleplaceontheirownname.Andheusedthatdiscoverytowincooperation.Toillustrate:WhenhewasaboybackinScotland,hegotholdofarabbit,amotherrabbit.Presto!Hesoonhadawholenestoflittlerabbits–andnothingtofeedthem.Buthehada brilliant idea. He told the boys and girls in the neighbourhood that if theywould go out and pull enough clover and dandelions to feed the rabbits, hewouldnamethebunniesintheirhonour.

Theplanworkedlikemagic,andCarnegieneverforgotit.Yearslater,hemademillionsbyusingthesamepsychologyinbusiness.For

example, he wanted to sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad. J. EdgarThomson was the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad then. So AndrewCarnegiebuiltahugesteelmillinPittsburghandcalleditthe‘EdgarThomsonSteelWorks.’

Here isariddle.See ifyoucanguess it.WhenthePennsylvaniaRailroadneededsteel rails,wheredoyousupposeJ.EdgarThomsonbought them? . . .FromSears,Roebuck?No.No.You’rewrong.Guessagain.

When Carnegie and George Pullman were battling each other forsupremacy in the railroad sleeping-car business, the Steel King againrememberedthelessonoftherabbits.

TheCentralTransportationCompany,whichAndrewCarnegiecontrolled,wasfightingwiththecompanythatPullmanowned.Bothwerestrugglingtogetthe sleeping-car business of the Union Pacific Railroad, bucking each other,slashingprices,anddestroyingallchanceofprofit.BothCarnegieandPullmanhad gone to New York to see the board of directors of the Union Pacific.Meetingoneevening in theSt.NicholasHotel,Carnegie said: ‘Goodevening,Mr.Pullman,aren’twemakingacoupleoffoolsofourselves?’

‘Whatdoyoumean?’Pullmandemanded.ThenCarnegieexpressedwhathehadonhismind–amergeroftheirtwo

interests.Hepicturedinglowingtermsthemutualadvantagesofworkingwith,insteadofagainst,eachother.Pullmanlistenedattentively,buthewasnotwhollyconvinced. Finally he asked, ‘What would you call the new company?’ andCarnegierepliedpromptly:‘Why,thePullmanPalaceCarCompany,ofcourse.’

Pullman’s face brightened. ‘Come into my room,’ he said. ‘Let’s talk itover.’Thattalkmadeindustrialhistory.

This policy of remembering and honouring the names of his friends and

businessassociateswasoneofthesecretsofAndrewCarnegie’sleadership.Hewasproudofthefactthathecouldcallmanyofhisfactoryworkersbytheirfirstnames, and he boasted that while hewas personally in charge, no strike everdisturbedhisflamingsteelmills.

BentonLove,chairmanofTexasCommerceBancshares,believes that thebigger a corporationgets, the colder it becomes. ‘Oneway towarm it up,’ hesaid, ‘is to remember people’s names. The executive who tells me he can’tremembernamesisatthesametimetellingmehecan’trememberasignificantpartofhisbusinessandisoperatingonquicksand.’

Karen Kirsch of Rancho Palos Verdes, California, a flight attendant forTWA,madeitapracticetolearnthenamesofasmanypassengersinhercabinas possible and use the name when serving them. This resulted in manycomplimentsonherserviceexpressedbothtoherdirectlyandtotheairline.Onepassengerwrote: ‘I haven’t flownTWA for some time, but I’m going to startflyingnothingbutTWAfromnowon.Youmakeme feel thatyourairlinehasbecomeaverypersonalisedairlineandthatisimportanttome.’

Peoplearesoproudoftheirnamesthattheystrivetoperpetuatethematanycost.Evenblustering,hard-boiledoldP.T.Barnum,thegreatestshowmanofhistime, disappointed because he had no sons to carry on his name, offered hisgrandson, C.H. Seeley, $25,000 dollars if he would call himself ‘Barnum’Seeley.

Formanycenturies,noblesandmagnatessupportedartists,musiciansandauthorssothattheircreativeworkswouldbededicatedtothem.

Librariesandmuseumsowetheirrichestcollectionstopeoplewhocannotbear to think that their namesmight perish from thememoryof the race.TheNewYorkPublicLibraryhasitsAstorandLenoxcollections.TheMetropolitanMuseum perpetuates the names of Benjamin Altman and J.P. Morgan. Andnearlyeverychurchisbeautifiedbystained-glasswindowscommemoratingthenamesoftheirdonors.Manyofthebuildingsonthecampusofmostuniversitiesbearthenamesofdonorswhocontributedlargesumsofmoneyforthishonour.

Mostpeopledon’t remembernames, for thesimplereason that theydon’ttake the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix namesindeliblyintheirminds.Theymakeexcusesforthemselves;theyaretoobusy.

ButtheywereprobablynobusierthanFranklinD.Roosevelt,andhetooktimetorememberandrecalleventhenamesofmechanicswithwhomhecameintocontact.

To illustrate: The Chrysler organisation built a special car for Mr.Roosevelt,who could not use a standard car because his legswere paralysed.W.F. Chamberlain and amechanic delivered it to theWhiteHouse. I have in

front of me a letter fromMr. Chamberlain relating his experiences. ‘I taughtPresidentRoosevelt how tohandle a carwith a lot ofunusual gadgets, but hetaughtmealotaboutthefineartofhandlingpeople.

‘WhenIcalledattheWhiteHouse,’Mr.Chamberlainwrites,‘thePresidentwasextremelypleasantandcheerful.Hecalledmebyname,mademefeelverycomfortable, and particularly impressed me with the fact that he was vitallyinterestedinthingsIhadtoshowhimandtellhim.Thecarwassodesignedthatit couldbeoperated entirelybyhand.Acrowdgathered around to look at thecar;andheremarked:“Ithinkitismarvellous.Allyouhavetodoistotouchabuttonanditmovesawayandyoucandriveitwithouteffort.Ithinkitisgrand–Idon’tknowwhatmakesitgo.I’dlovetohavethetimetotearitdownandseehowitworks.”

‘WhenRoosevelt’sfriendsandassociatesadmiredthemachine,hesaidintheirpresence: “Mr.Chamberlain, I certainlyappreciateall the timeandeffortyouhavespent indevelopingthiscar. It isamightyfine job.”Headmiredtheradiator, thespecialrear-visionmirrorandclock,thespecialspotlight, thekindofupholstery,thesittingpositionofthedriver’sseat,thespecialsuitcasesinthetrunkwith hismonogram on each suitcase. In otherwords, he took notice ofeverydetailtowhichheknewIhadgivenconsiderablethought.HemadeapointofbringingthesevariouspiecesofequipmenttotheattentionofMrs.Roosevelt,MissPerkins,theSecretaryofLabour,andhissecretary.HeevenbroughttheoldWhite House porter into the picture by saying, “George, you want to takeparticularlygoodcareofthesuitcases.”

‘Whenthedrivinglessonwasfinished,thePresidentturnedtomeandsaid:“Well,Mr.Chamberlain,IhavebeenkeepingtheFederalReserveBoardwaitingthirtyminutes.IguessIhadbettergetbacktowork.”

‘I took a mechanic with me to the White House. He was introduced toRooseveltwhenhearrived.Hedidn’ttalktothePresident,andRooseveltheardhis name only once.Hewas a shy chap, and he kept in the background. Butbeforeleavingus,thePresidentlookedforthemechanic,shookhishand,calledhim by name, and thanked him for coming to Washington. And there wasnothingperfunctoryabouthisthanks.Hemeantwhathesaid.Icouldfeelthat.

‘AfewdaysafterreturningtoNewYork,Igotanautographedphotographof President Roosevelt and a little note of thanks again expressing hisappreciationformyassistance.Howhefoundtimetodoitisamysterytome.’

Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious andmost important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names andmakingpeoplefeelimportant–yethowmanyofusdoit?

Half the timeweare introduced toa stranger,wechata fewminutesand

can’tevenrememberhisorhernamebythetimewesaygoodbye.Oneofthefirstlessonsapoliticianlearnsisthis:‘Torecallavoter’sname

isstatesmanship.Toforgetitisoblivion.’Andtheabilitytoremembernamesisalmostasimportantinbusinessand

socialcontactsasitisinpolitics.NapoleontheThird,EmperorofFranceandnephewofthegreatNapoleon,

boastedthatinspiteofallhisroyaldutieshecouldrememberthenameofeverypersonhemet.

His technique?Simple. If hedidn’t hear thenamedistinctly, he said, ‘Sosorry.Ididn’tgetthenameclearly.’Then,ifitwasanunusualname,hewouldsay,‘Howisitspelled?’

During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name severaltimes,andtriedtoassociateitinhismindwiththeperson’sfeatures,expressionandgeneralappearance.

If thepersonwas someoneof importance,Napoleonwent toeven furtherpains.AssoonasHisRoyalHighnesswasalone,hewrotethenamedownonapieceofpaper,lookedatit,concentratedonit,fixeditsecurelyinhismind,andthentoreupthepaper.Inthisway,hegainedaneyeimpressionofthenameaswellasanearimpression.

All this takes time, but ‘Goodmanners,’ said Emerson, ‘are made up ofpettysacrifices.’

Theimportanceofrememberingandusingnamesisnotjusttheprerogativeof kings and corporate executives. Itworks for all of us.KenNottingham, anemployee of General Motors in Indiana, usually had lunch at the companycafeteria.Henoticedthatthewomanwhoworkedbehindthecounteralwayshadascowlonherface.‘ShehadbeenmakingsandwichesforabouttwohoursandIwasjustanothersandwichtoher.ItoldherwhatIwanted.Sheweighedoutthehamonalittlescale,thenshegavemeoneleafoflettuce,afewpotatochipsandhandedthemtome.

‘Thenextday Iwent through thesame line.Samewoman, samescowl. Ismiled and said, “Hello, Eunice,” and then told herwhat I wanted.Well, sheforgotthescale,piledontheham,gavemethreeleavesoflettuceandheapedonthepotatochipsuntiltheyfellofftheplate.’

Weshouldbeawareofthemagiccontainedinanameandrealisethatthissingle item iswhollyandcompletelyownedby thepersonwithwhomwearedealing...andnobodyelse.

Thenamesets the individualapart; itmakeshimorheruniqueamongallothers.Theinformationweareimpartingortherequestwearemakingtakesona special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the

individual.Fromthewaitresstotheseniorexecutive,thenamewillworkmagicaswedealwithothers.

PRINCIPLE3Rememberthataperson’snameistothatpersonthesweetestandmost

importantsoundinanylanguage.

SOMETIMEAGO,Iattendedabridgeparty.Idon’tplaybridge–andtherewasawomantherewhodidn’tplaybridgeeither.ShehaddiscoveredthatIhadoncebeen Lowell Thomas’s manager before he went on the radio and that I hadtravelledinEuropeagreatdealwhilehelpinghimpreparetheillustratedtraveltalkshewas thendelivering.Soshesaid:‘Oh,Mr.Carnegie, Idowantyoutotellmeaboutallthewonderfulplacesyouhavevisitedandthesightsyouhaveseen.’

Aswe sat downon the sofa, she remarked that she andher husbandhadrecentlyreturnedfromatriptoAfrica.‘Africa!’Iexclaimed.‘Howinteresting!I’vealwayswantedtoseeAfrica,butInevergotthereexceptforatwenty-four-hour stay once inAlgiers. Tellme, did you visit the big-game country?Yes?Howfortunate.Ienvyyou.DotellmeaboutAfrica.’

That kept her talking for forty-five minutes. She never again asked mewhereIhadbeenorwhatIhadseen.Shedidn’twanttohearmetalkaboutmytravels.Allshewantedwasan interested listener,soshecouldexpandheregoandtellaboutwhereshehadbeen.

Wassheunusual?No.Manypeoplearelikethat.For example, Imet a distinguished botanist at a dinner party given by a

NewYorkbookpublisher.Ihadnevertalkedwithabotanistbefore,andIfoundhim fascinating. I literally sat on the edge of my chair and listened while hespokeofexoticplantsandexperimentsindevelopingnewformsofplantlifeandindoorgardens(andeventoldmeastonishingfactsaboutthehumblepotato).Ihadasmallindoorgardenofmyown–andhewasgoodenoughtotellmehowtosolvesomeofmyproblems.

AsIsaid,wewereatadinnerparty.Theremusthavebeenadozenotherguests, but I violated all the canons of courtesy, ignored everyone else, andtalkedforhourstothebotanist.

Midnight came. I saidgoodnight to everyone anddeparted.Thebotanistthenturnedtoourhostandpaidmeseveralflatteringcompliments.Iwas‘moststimulating.’ Iwas this and Iwas that, andhe endedby saying Iwas a ‘mostinterestingconversationalist.’

An interestingconversationalist?Why, Ihadsaidhardlyanythingatall. Icouldn’thavesaidanythingifIhadwantedtowithoutchangingthesubject,forIdidn’tknowanymoreaboutbotanythanIknewabouttheanatomyofapenguin.But I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I wasgenuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind oflistening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. ‘Few humanbeings,’wroteJackWoodfordinStrangersinLove,‘fewhumanbeingsareproofagainsttheimpliedflatteryofraptattention.’Iwentevenfurtherthangivinghimraptattention.Iwas‘heartyinmyapprobationandlavishinmypraise.’

ItoldhimthatIhadbeenimmenselyentertainedandinstructed–andIhad.ItoldhimIwishedIhadhisknowledge–andIdid.ItoldhimthatIshouldlovetowanderthefieldswithhim–andIhave.ItoldhimImustseehimagain–andIdid.

And so I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, inreality,Ihadbeenmerelyagoodlistenerandhadencouragedhimtotalk.

What is the secret, themystery, of a successful business interview?Well,according to formerHarvard presidentCharlesW.Eliot, ‘There is nomysteryaboutsuccessfulbusinessintercourse...Exclusiveattentiontothepersonwhoisspeakingtoyouisveryimportant.Nothingelseissoflatteringasthat.’

Eliothimselfwasapastmasteroftheartoflistening.HenryJames,oneofAmerica’s first great novelists, recalled: ‘Dr. Eliot’s listening was not meresilence, but a form of activity. Sitting very erect on the end of his spinewithhandsjoinedinhislap,makingnomovementexceptthatherevolvedhisthumbsaroundeachother fasteror slower,he facedhis interlocutor and seemed tobehearing with his eyes as well as his ears. He listened with his mind andattentivelyconsideredwhatyouhadtosaywhileyousaidit...Attheendofaninterviewthepersonwhohadtalkedtohimfeltthathehadhadhissay.’

Self-evident,isn’tit?Youdon’thavetostudyforfouryearsinHarvardtodiscoverthat.YetIknowandyouknowdepartmentstoreownerswhowillrentexpensivespace,buytheirgoodseconomically,dresstheirwindowsappealingly,spend thousandsofdollars inadvertisingand thenhireclerkswhohaven’t thesense to be good listeners – clerks who interrupt customers, contradict them,irritatethem,andallbutdrivethemfromthestore.

A department store in Chicago almost lost a regular customerwho spentseveral thousanddollars eachyear in that storebecausea sales clerkwouldn’tlisten.MrsHenriettaDouglas,whotookourcourseinChicago,hadpurchasedacoatataspecialsale.Aftershehadbroughtithomeshenoticedthattherewasatear in the lining. She came back the next day and asked the sales clerk toexchangeit.Theclerkrefusedeventolistentohercomplaint.‘Youboughtthis

at a special sale,’ she said.Shepointed to a signon thewall. ‘Read that,’ sheexclaimed.‘“Allsalesarefinal.”Onceyouboughtit,youhavetokeepit.Sewuptheliningyourself.’

‘Butthiswasdamagedmerchandise,’MrsDouglascomplained.‘Makesnodifference,’theclerkinterrupted.‘Final’sfinal.’MrsDouglaswasabouttowalkoutindignantly,swearingnevertoreturnto

thatstoreever,whenshewasgreetedbythedepartmentmanager,whoknewherfromhermanyyearsofpatronage.MrsDouglastoldherwhathadhappened.

Themanagerlistenedattentivelytothewholestory,examinedthecoatandthensaid:‘Specialsalesare“final”sowecandisposeofmerchandiseattheendoftheseason.Butthis“noreturn”policydoesnotapplytodamagedgoods.Wewillcertainlyrepairorreplacethelining,orifyouprefer,giveyouyourmoneyback.’

What a difference in treatment! If thatmanager had not come along andlistened to the customer, a long-termpatronof that store couldhavebeen lostforever.

Listeningisjustasimportantinone’shomelifeasintheworldofbusiness.MillieEspositoofCroton-on-Hudson,NewYork,madeitherbusinesstolistencarefullywhenoneofherchildrenwanted tospeakwithher.Oneeveningshewas sitting in thekitchenwithher son,Robert, and after a brief discussionofsomething thatwasonhismind,Robert said: ‘Mom, Iknowthatyou lovemeverymuch.’

Mrs.Espositowastouchedandsaid:‘OfcourseIloveyouverymuch.Didyoudoubtit?’

Robertresponded:‘No,butIreallyknowyoulovemebecausewheneverIwanttotalktoyouaboutsomethingyoustopwhateveryouaredoingandlistentome.’

Thechronickicker,eventhemostviolentcritic,willfrequentlysoftenandbesubduedinthepresenceofapatient,sympatheticlistener–alistenerwhowillbesilentwhiletheiratefaultfinderdilateslikeakingcobraandspewsthepoisonoutofhissystem.Toillustrate:TheNewYorkTelephoneCompanydiscoveredafewyears ago that it had todealwithoneof themost vicious customerswhoevercursedacustomerservice representative.Andhedidcurse.Heraved.Hethreatenedto tear thephoneoutbyitsroots.Herefusedtopaycertainchargesthat he declared were false. He wrote letters to the newspapers. He filedinnumerable complaints with the Public Service Commission, and he startedseveralsuitsagainstthetelephonecompany.

At last, one of the company’s most skilful ‘troubleshooters’ was sent tointerview this stormy petrel. This ‘troubleshooter’ listened and let the

cantakerous customer enjoy himself pouring out his tirade. The telephonerepresentativelistenedandsaid‘yes’andsympathisedwithhisgrievance.

‘HeravedonandIlistenedfornearlythreehours,’the‘troubleshooter’saidas he related his experiences before one of the author’s classes. ‘Then Iwentbackandlistenedsomemore.Iinterviewedhimfourtimes,andbeforethefourthvisitwasoverIhadbecomeachartermemberofanorganisationhewasstarting.He called it the “Telephone Subscribers” Protective Association.’ I am still amemberofthisorganisation,and,sofarasIknow,I’mtheonlymemberintheworldtodaybesidesMr.–.

‘I listened and sympathised with him on every point that he had madeduring these interviews.Hehadneverhada telephone representative talkwithhimthatwaybefore,andhebecamealmostfriendly.ThepointonwhichIwenttoseehimwasnotevenmentionedonthefirstvisit,norwasitmentionedonthesecondor third,butuponthefourth interview,Iclosedthecasecompletely,hepaidallhisbillsinfull,andforthefirsttimeinthehistoryofhisdifficultieswiththetelephonecompanyhevoluntarilywithdrewhiscomplaintsfromthePublicServiceCommission.’

Doubtless Mr. – had considered himself a holy crusader, defending thepublic rights against callous exploitation. But in reality, what he had reallywantedwasafeelingofimportance.Hegotthisfeelingofimportanceatfirstbykickingandcomplaining.Butassoonashegothisfeelingofimportancefromarepresentativeofthecompany,hisimaginedgrievancesvanishedintothinair.

Onemorningyearsago,anangrycustomerstormedintotheofficeofJulianF.Detmer, founder of theDetmerWoollen Company,which later became theworld’slargestdistributorofwoollenstothetailoringtrade.

‘Thismanowedusa small sumofmoney,’Mr.Detmerexplained tome.‘Thecustomerdeniedit,butweknewhewaswrong.Soourcreditdepartmenthad insisted that he pay. After getting a number of letters from our creditdepartment, he packed his grip, made a trip to Chicago, and hurried intomyofficeto informmenotonlythathewasnotgoingtopaythatbill,but thathewas never going to buy another dollar’s worth of goods from the DetmerWoollenCompany.

‘I listenedpatiently to all hehad to say. Iwas tempted to interrupt, but Irealisedthatwouldbebadpolicy.SoIlethimtalkhimselfout.Whenhefinallysimmereddownandgotinareceptivemood,Isaidquietly:“IwanttothankyouforcomingtoChicagototellmeabout this.Youhavedonemeagreatfavour,for if our credit department has annoyed you, it may annoy other goodcustomers,and thatwouldbe just toobad.Believeme,Iamfarmoreeager tohearthisthanyouaretotellit.”

‘Thatwasthelastthingintheworldheexpectedmetosay.Ithinkhewasatrifledisappointed,becausehehadcome toChicago to tellmea thingor two,but here Iwas thanking him instead of scrappingwith him. I assured himwewouldwipethechargeoffthebooksandforgetit,becausehewasaverycarefulman with only one account to look after, while our clerks had to look afterthousands.Therefore,hewaslesslikelytobewrongthanwewere.

‘I toldhimthatIunderstoodexactlyhowhefeltandthat, if Iwere inhisshoes, I shouldundoubtedly feelpreciselyashedid.Sincehewasn’tgoing tobuyfromusanymore,Irecommendedsomeotherwoollenhouses.

‘Inthepast,wehadusuallylunchedtogetherwhenhecametoChicago,soIinvitedhim tohave lunchwithme thisday.Heaccepted reluctantly,butwhenwecamebacktotheofficeheplacedalargerorderthaneverbefore.Hereturnedhomeinasoftenedmoodand,wantingtobejustasfairwithusaswehadbeenwithhim,lookedoverhisbills,foundonehadbeenmislaid,andsentusachequewithhisapologies.

‘Later,whenhiswifepresentedhimwithababyboy,hegavehisson themiddle name ofDetmer, and he remained a friend and customer of the houseuntilhisdeathtwenty-twoyearsafterwards.’

Yearsago, apoorDutch immigrantboywashed thewindowsofabakeryshop after school to help support his family. His peoplewere so poor that inadditionheusedtogooutinthestreetwithabasketeverydayandcollectstraybits of coal that had fallen in the gutterwhere the coalwagons had deliveredfuel.Thatboy,EdwardBok,nevergotmore thansixyearsofschooling inhislife;yeteventuallyhemadehimselfoneofthemostsuccessfulmagazineeditorsinthehistoryofAmericanjournalism.Howdidhedoit?Thatisalongstory,buthowhegothisstartcanbetoldbriefly.Hegothisstartbyusingtheprinciplesinthischapter.

Heleftschoolwhenhewasthirteen,andbecameanofficeboyforWesternUnion,buthedidn’tforonemomentgiveuptheideaofaneducation.Instead,hestartedtoeducatehimself.HesavedhiscarfaresandwentwithoutlunchuntilhehadenoughmoneytobuyanencyclopediaofAmericanbiography–andthenhedidanunheard-ofthing.Hereadthelivesoffamouspeopleandwrotethemaskingforadditionalinformationabouttheirchildhoods.Hewasagoodlistener.Heaskedfamouspeople to tellhimmoreabout themselves.HewroteGeneralJamesA.Garfield,whowasthenrunningforPresident,andaskedifitwastruethathewasonceatowboyonacanal;andGarfieldreplied.HewroteGeneralGrantaskingaboutacertainbattle,andGrantdrewamapforhimand invitedthisfourteen-year-oldboytodinnerandspenttheeveningtalkingtohim.

SoonourWesternUnionmessengerboywascorrespondingwithmanyof

themost famous people in the nation:RalphWaldoEmerson,OliverWendellHolmes, Longfellow, Mrs. Abraham Lincoln, Louisa May Alcott, GeneralSherman and Jefferson Davis. Not only did he correspond with thesedistinguishedpeople,butassoonashegotavacation,hevisitedmanyofthemas a welcome guest in their homes. This experience imbued him with aconfidencethatwasinvaluable.Thesemenandwomenfiredhimwithavisionandambitionthatshapedhislife.Andallthis,letmerepeat,wasmadepossiblesolelybytheapplicationoftheprincipleswearediscussinghere.

Isaac F.Marcosson, a journalistwho interviewed hundreds of celebrities,declared thatmany people fail tomake a favourable impression because theydon’tlistenattentively.‘Theyhavebeensomuchconcernedwithwhattheyaregoingtosaynextthattheydonotkeeptheirearsopen...Veryimportantpeoplehave toldme that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability tolistenseemsrarerthanalmostanyothergoodtrait.’

Andnotonlyimportantpersonagescraveagoodlistener,butordinaryfolkdotoo.AstheReaders’sDigestoncesaid:‘Manypersonscalladoctorwhenalltheywantisanaudience.’

DuringthedarkesthoursoftheCivilWar,LincolnwrotetoanoldfriendinSpringfield, Illinois, asking him to come toWashington. Lincoln said he hadsomeproblemshewantedtodiscusswithhim.TheoldneighbourcalledattheWhite House, and Lincoln talked to him for hours about the advisability ofissuingaproclamation freeing the slaves.Lincolnwentoverall theargumentsforandagainstsuchamove,andthenreadlettersandnewspaperarticles,somedenouncinghimfornotfreeingtheslavesandothersdenouncinghimforfearhewasgoingtofreethem.Aftertalkingforhours,Lincolnshookhandswithhisoldneighbour,saidgoodnight,andsenthimbacktoIllinoiswithoutevenaskingforhisopinion.Lincolnhaddoneallthetalkinghimself.Thatseemedtoclarifyhismind. ‘He seemed to feel easier after that talk,’ the old friend said. Lincolnhadn’twantedadvice.Hehadwantedmerelyafriendly,sympatheticlistenertowhom he could unburden himself. That’s what we all want when we are introuble.That is frequentlyall the irritatedcustomerwants, and thedissatisfiedemployeeorthehurtfriend.

OneofthegreatlistenersofmoderntimeswasSigmundFreud.AmanwhometFreuddescribedhismanneroflistening.‘ItstruckmesoforciblythatIshallnever forget him.He had qualitieswhich I had never seen in any otherman.Never had I seen such concentrated attention. Therewas none of the piercing“soulpenetratinggaze”business.Hiseyesweremildandgenial.Hisvoicewaslow and kind. His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, hisappreciationofwhatIsaid,evenwhenIsaiditbadly,wasextraordinary.You’ve

noideawhatitmeanttobelistenedtolikethat.’Ifyouwanttoknowhowtomakepeopleshunyouandlaughatyoubehind

yourbackandevendespiseyou,here is the recipe:Never listen toanyone forlong.Talkincessantlyaboutyourself.Ifyouhaveanideawhiletheotherpersonis talking,don’twait forhimorher to finish:bust right inand interrupt in themiddleofasentance.

Doyouknowpeoplelikethat?Ido,unfortunately;andtheastonishingpartofitisthatsomeofthemareprominent.

Bores, that is all they are – bores intoxicatedwith their own egos, drunkwithasenseoftheirownimportance.

Peoplewho talkonlyof themselves thinkonlyof themselves.And ‘thosepeople who think only of themselves,’ Dr. NicholasMurray Butley, longtimepresidentofColumbiaUniversity,said,‘arehopelesslyuneducated.Theyarenoteducated,’saidDr.Butler,‘nomatterhowinstructedtheymaybe.’

Soifyouaspiretobeagoodconversationalist,beanattentivelistener.Tobe interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoyanswering.Encouragethemtotalkaboutthemselvesandtheiraccomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times moreintested in themselves and theirwants and problems than they are in you andyourproblems.Aperson’stoothachemeansmoretothatpersonthanafamineinChinawhichkillsamillionpeople.Aboilonone’sneckinterestsonemorethanfortyearthquakesinAfrica.Thinkofthatthenexttimeyoustartaconversation.

PRINCIPLE4Beagoodlistener.

Encourageotherstotalkaboutthemselves.

EVERYONEWHOWASeveraguestofTheodoreRooseveltwasastonishedat therange and diversity of his knowledge.Whether his visitorwas a cowboy or aRoughRider,aNewYorkpoliticianoradiplomat,Rooseveltknewwhattosay.Andhowwasitdone?Theanswerwassimple.WheneverRooseveltexpectedavisitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject inwhich heknewhisguestwasparticularlyinterested.

ForRooseveltknew,asall leadersknow, that theroyal road toaperson’sheartistotalkaboutthethingsheorshetreasuresmost.

ThegenialWilliamLyonPhelps,essayistandprofessorofliteratureatYale,learnedthislessonearlyinlife.

‘WhenIwaseightyearsoldandwasspendingaweekendvisitingmyAuntLibbyLinsleyatherhomeinStratfordontheHousatonic,’hewroteinhisessayonHumanNature, ‘amiddle-agedman called one evening, and after a politeskirmishwithmyaunt,hedevotedhisattentiontome.Atthattime,Ihappenedto be excited about boats, and the visitor discussed the subject in a way thatseemedparticularly interesting.After he left, I spoke of himwith enthusiasm.What aman!Myaunt informedmehewasaNewYork lawyer, thathe carednothing whatever about boats – that he took not the slightest interest in thesubject.“Butwhythendidhetalkallthetimeaboutboats?”

‘“Becauseheisagentleman.Hesawyouwereinterestedinboats,andhetalkedaboutthethingsheknewwouldinterestandpleaseyou.Hemadehimselfagreeable.”’

AndWilliamLyonPhelpsadded:‘Ineverforgotmyaunt’sremark.’As Iwrite this chapter, I havebeforeme a letter fromEdwardL.Chalif,

whowasactiveinBoyScoutwork.‘One day I found I needed a favor,’ wrote Mr. Chalif. ‘A big Scout

jamboreewas comingoff inEurope, and Iwanted thepresident of oneof thelargestcorporations inAmerica topay theexpensesofoneofmyboysfor thetrip.

‘Fortunately,justbeforeIwenttoseethisman,Iheardthathehaddrawnachequeforamilliondollars,andthatafteritwascancelled,hehaditframed.

‘So the first thing I did when I entered his office was to ask to see the

cheque.Achequeforamilliondollars!ItoldhimIneverknewthatanybodyhadeverwrittensuchacheque,andthatIwantedtotellmyboysthatIhadactuallyseenachequeforamilliondollars.Hegladlyshowedittome;Iadmireditandaskedhimtotellmeallabouthowithappenedtobedrawn.’

Younotice,don’tyou,thatMr.Chalifdidn’tbeginbytalkingabouttheBoyScouts,orthejamboreeinEurope,orwhatitwashewanted?Hetalkedintermsofwhatinterestedtheotherman.Here’stheresult:

‘Presently, themanIwasinterviewingsaid:“Oh,bytheway,whatwasityouwantedtoseemeabout?”SoItoldhim.

‘To my vast surprise,’ Mr. Chalif continues, ‘he not only grantedimmediatelywhatIaskedfor,butmuchmore.IhadaskedhimtosendonlyoneboytoEurope,buthesentfiveboysandmyself,gavemealetterofcreditforathousanddollarsandtoldustostayinEuropeforsevenweeks.Healsogavemelettersofintroductiontohisbranchpresidents,puttingthematourservice,andhehimselfmetusinParisandshowedusthetown.Sincethen,hehasgivenjobsto some of the boyswhose parentswere inwant, and he is still active in ourgroup.

‘Yet I know if I hadn’t foundoutwhathewas interested in, andgothimwarmedupfirst,Iwouldn’thavefoundhimone-tenthaseasytoapproach.’

Isthisavaluabletechniquetouseinbusiness?Isit?Let’ssee.TakeHenryG.DuvernoyofDuvernoyandSons,awholesalebakingfirminNewYork.

Mr.DuvernoyhadbeentryingtosellbreadtoacertainNewYorkhotel.Hehadcalledonthemanagereveryweekforfouryears.Hewenttothesamesocialaffairsthemanagerattended.Heeventookroomsinthehotelandlivedthereinordertogetthebusiness.Buthefailed.

‘Then,’ saidMr.Duvernoy, ‘after studying human relations, I resolved tochangemytactics.Idecidedtofindoutwhatinterestedthisman–whatcaughthisenthusiasm.

‘IdiscoveredhebelongedtoasocietyofhotelexecutivescalledtheHotelGreeters of America. He not only belonged, but his bubbling enthusiasm hadmade him president of the organisation, and the president of the InternationalGreeters.Nomatterwhereitsconventionswereheld,hewouldbethere.

‘SowhenIsawhimthenextday,IbegantalkingabouttheGreeters.Whataresponse I got.What a response! He talked tome for half an hour about theGreeters,histonesvibrantwithenthusiasm.Icouldplainlyseethatthissocietywasnotonlyhishobby,itwasthepassionofhislife.BeforeIlefthisoffice,hehad“sold”meamembershipinhisorganisation.

‘Inthemeantime,Ihadsaidnothingaboutbread.Butafewdayslater,thestewardofhishotelphonedmetocomeoverwithsamplesandprices.

‘“Idon’tknowwhatyoudidtotheoldboy,”thestewardgreetedme,“buthesureissoldonyou!”

‘Thinkofit!Ihadbeendrummingatthatmanforfouryears–tryingtogethis business – and I’d still be drumming at him if I hadn’t finally taken thetroubletofindoutwhathewasinterestedin,andwhatheenjoyedtalkingabout.’

Edward E. Harriman of Hagerstown, Maryland, chose to live in thebeautiful Cumberland valley of Maryland after he completed his militaryservice.Unfortunately,atthattimetherewerefewjobsavailableinthearea.Alittle researchuncovered the fact that anumberofcompanies in theareawereeither ownedor controlledby anunusual businessmaverick,R.J.Funkhouser,whose rise from poverty to riches intrigued Mr. Harriman. However, he wasknownforbeinginaccessibletojobseekers.Mr.Harrimanwrote:

‘I interviewed a number of people and found that hismajor interest wasanchored in his drive for power andmoney. Since he protected himself frompeoplelikemebyuseofadedicatedandsternsecretary,IstudiedherinterestsandgoalsandonlythenIpaidanunannouncedvisitatheroffice.ShehadbeenMr.Funkhouser’sorbitingsatelliteforaboutfifteenyears.WhenItoldherIhada proposition for him which might translate itself into financial and politicalsuccess for him, she became enthused. I also conversed with her about herconstructiveparticipationinhissuccess.AfterthisconversationshearrangedformetomeetMr.Funkhouser.

‘Ienteredhishugeandimpressiveofficedeterminednottoaskdirectlyfora job.Hewas seated behind a large carved desk and thundered atme, “Howaboutit,youngman?”Isaid,“Mr.Funkhouser,IbelieveIcanmakemoneyforyou.”Heimmediatelyroseandinvitedmetositinoneofthelargeupholsteredchairs.IenumeratedmyideasandthequalificationsIhadtorealisetheseideas,as well as how they would contribute to his personal success and that of hisbusinesses.

‘“R.J.,”ashebecameknowntome,hiredmeatonceandforovertwentyyearsIhavegrowninhisenterprisesandwebothhaveprospered.’

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.HowardZ.Herzig,aleaderinthefieldofemployeecommunications,hasalwaysfollowed this principle.When asked what reward he got from it, Mr. Herzigrespondedthathenotonlyreceivedadifferentrewardfromeachpersonbutthatingeneraltherewardhadbeenanenlargementofhislifeeachtimehespoketosomeone.

PRINCIPLE5

Talkintermsoftheotherperson’sinterests.

IWASWAITING inlinetoregisteraletterinthepostofficeatThirty-thirdStreetandEighthAvenue inNewYork. Inoticed that theclerkappeared tobeboredwiththejob–weighingenvelopes,handingoutstamps,makingchange,issuingreceipts–thesamemonotonousgrindyearafteryear.SoIsaidtomyself:‘Iamgoingtotrytomakethatclerklikeme.Obviouslytomakehimlikeme,Imustsaysomethingnice,notaboutmyself,butabouthim.SoIaskedmyself,“Whatis there about him that I can honestly admire?” ’ That is sometimes a hardquestiontoanswer,especiallywithstrangers;but,inthiscase,ithappenedtobeeasy.IinstantlysawsomethingIadmirednoend.

So while he was weighing my envelope, I remarked with enthusiasm: IwishIhadyourheadofhair.’

Helookedup,half-startled,hisfacebeamingwithsmiles.‘Well,itisn’tasgood as it used to be,’ he saidmodestly. I assured him that although itmighthavelostsomeofitspristineglory,neverthelessitwasstillmagnificent.Hewasimmenselypleased.Wecarriedonapleasantlittleconversationandthelastthinghesaidtomewas:‘Manypeoplehaveadmiredmyhair.’

I’llbet thatpersonwent to lunch thatdaywalkingonair. I’llbethewenthome thatnightand toldhiswifeabout it. I’llbethe looked in themirrorandsaid:‘Itisabeautifulheadofhair.’

Itoldthisstoryonceinpublicandamanaskedmeafterwards:‘Whatdidyouwanttogetoutofhim?’

WhatwasItryingtogetoutofhim!!!WhatwasItryingtogetoutofhim!!!Ifwearesocontemptiblyselfishthatwecan’tradiatealittlehappinessand

passonabitofhonestappreciationwithout trying toget somethingoutof theotherpersoninreturn–ifoursoulsarenobiggerthansourcrabapples,weshallmeetwiththefailurewesorichlydeserve.

Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted somethingpriceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for himwithouthisbeingabletodoanythingwhateverinreturnforme.Thatisafeelingthatflowsandsingsinyourmemorylongaftertheincidentispast.

Thereisoneall-importantlawofhumanconduct.Ifweobeythatlaw,weshall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us

countlessfriendsandconstanthappiness.Buttheveryinstantwebreakthelaw,weshallgetintoendlesstrouble.Thelawisthis:Alwaysmaketheotherpersonfeelimportant.JohnDewey,aswehavealreadynoted,saidthatthedesiretobeimportant is the deepest urge in human nature; andWilliam James said: ‘Thedeepest principle in humannature is the craving to be appreciated.’As I havealreadypointedout, it is thisurge thatdifferentiatesus from the animals. It isthisurgethathasbeenresponsibleforcivilisationitself.

Philosophershavebeenspeculatingontherulesofhumanrelationshipsforthousandsofyears, andoutofall that speculation, therehasevolvedonlyoneimportantprecept.Itisnotnew.Itisasoldashistory.Zoroastertaughtittohisfollowers in Persia twenty-five hundred years ago. Confucius preached it inChinatwenty-fourcenturiesago.Lao-tse,thefounderofTaoism,taughtittohisdisciplesintheValleyoftheHan.BuddhapreacheditonthebankoftheHolyGangesfivehundredyearsbeforeChrist.ThesacredbooksofHinduismtaughtitamongthestonyhillsofJudeanineteencenturiesago.Jesussummeditupinonethought–probablythemostimportantruleintheworld:‘Dountoothersasyouwouldhaveothersdountoyou.’

Youwanttheapprovalofthosewithwhomyoucomeincontact.Youwantrecognitionofyourtrueworth.Youwantafeelingthatyouareimportantinyourlittleworld.Youdon’twanttolistentocheap,insincereflattery,butyoudocravesincere appreciation. You want your friends and associates to be, as CharlesSchwabputit,‘heartyintheirapprobationandlavishintheirpraise.’Allofuswantthat.

So let’sobey theGoldenRule,andgiveuntootherswhatwewouldhaveothersgiveuntous.

How?When?Where?Theansweris:Allthetime,everywhere.DavidG.SmithofEauClaire,Wisconsin, toldoneofourclasseshowhe

handledadelicatesituationwhenhewasaskedtotakechargeoftherefreshmentboothatacharityconcert.

‘ThenightoftheconcertIarrivedattheparkandfoundtwoelderlyladiesinaverybadhumour standingnext to the refreshment stand.Apparentlyeachthoughtthatshewasinchargeofthisproject.AsIstoodthereponderingwhattodo,oneofthemembersofthesponsoringcommitteeappearedandhandedmeacashboxandthankedmefor takingover theproject,SheintroducedRoseandJaneasmyhelpersandthenranoff.

‘A great silence ensued. Realising that the cash box was a symbol ofauthority(ofsorts),IgavetheboxtoRoseandexplainedthatImightnotbeabletokeep themoneystraightand that if she tookcareof it Iwould feelbetter. Ithen suggested to Jane that she show two teenagerswhohadbeenassigned to

refreshmentshowtooperatethesodamachine,andaskedhertoberesponsibleforthatpartoftheproject.

‘The whole evening was very enjoyable with Rose happily counting themoney,Janesupervisingtheteenagers,andmeenjoyingtheconcert.’

Youdon’thavetowaituntilyouareambassadortoFranceorchairmanofthe Clambake Committee of your lodge before you use this philosophy ofappreciation.Youcanworkmagicwithitalmosteveryday.

If, for example, the waitress brings us mashed potatoes when we haveorderedFrenchfried,let’ssay,‘I’msorrytotroubleyou,butIprefertheFrenchfried.’She’llprobably reply, ‘No troubleat all’ andwillbeglad tochange thepotatoes,becausewehaveshownrespectforher.

Littlephrasessuchas‘I’msorrytotroubleyou,’‘Wouldyoubesokindasto– ?’ ‘Won’tyouplease?’ ‘Wouldyoumind?’ ‘Thankyou’– little courtesieslike these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life – andincidentally,theyarethehallmarkofgoodbreeding.

Let’s take another illustration. Hall Caine’s novels – The Christian, TheDeemster,TheManxman,amongthem–wereallbestsellersintheearlypartofthis century [20th].Millions of people read his novels, countlessmillions.Hewasthesonofablacksmith.Heneverhadmorethaneightyears’schoolinginhislife;yetwhenhediedhewastherichestliterarymanofhistime.

The story goes like this: Hall Gaine loved sonnets and ballads; so hedevouredallofDanteGabrielRossetti’spoetry.Heevenwrotealecturechantingthe praises of Rossetti’s artistic achievement – and sent a copy to Rossettihimself. Rossetti was delighted. ‘Any young man who has such an exaltedopinionofmyability,’Rossettiprobablysaidtohimself,‘mustbebrilliant.’SoRossettiinvitedthisblacksmith’ssontocometoLondonandactashissecretary.ThatwastheturningpointinHallCaine’slife;for,inhisnewposition,hemetthe literary artists of the day. Profiting by their advice and inspired by theirencouragement,helauncheduponacareerthatemblazonedhisnameacrossthesky.

Hishome,GreebaCastle,ontheIsleofMan,becameaMeccafortouristsfromthefarcornersoftheworld,andheleftamultimilliondollarestate.Yet–whoknows–hemighthavediedpoorandunknownhadhenotwrittenanessayexpressinghisadmirationforafamousman.

Suchisthepower,thestupendouspower,ofsincereheart-feltappreciation.Rossetticonsideredhimselfimportant.Thatisnotstrange.Almosteveryone

considershimselfimportant,veryimportant.The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone

would make him feel important. Ronald J. Rowland, who is one of the

instructors of our course inCalifornia, is also a teacher of arts and crafts.HewrotetousaboutastudentnamedChrisinhisbeginning-craftsclass:

Chriswasaveryquiet,shyboylackinginself-confidence,thekindofstudent that often does not receive the attention he deserves. I alsoteach an advanced class that had grown to be somewhat of a statussymbolandaprivilegeforastudenttohaveearnedtherighttobeinit.

OnWednesday,Chriswasdiligentlyworkingathisdesk.Ireallyfelttherewasahiddenfiredeepinsidehim.IaskedChrisifhewouldliketobeintheadvancedclass.HowIwishIcouldexpressthelookinChris’sface,theemotionsinthatshyfourteen-year-oldboy,tryingtoholdbackhistears.

‘Whome,Mr.Rowland?AmIgoodenough?’‘Yes,Chris,youaregoodenough.’Ihadtoleaveatthatpointbecausetearswerecomingtomyeyes.

AsChriswalkedoutofclassthatday,seeminglytwoinchestaller,helookedatmewithbrightblueeyesandsaidinapositivevoice,‘Thankyou,Mr.Rowland.’

ChristaughtmealessonIwillneverforget–ourdeepdesiretofeelimportant.Tohelpmeneverforgetthisrule,Imadeasignwhichreads ‘YOUAREIMPORTANT.’This signhangs in the frontof theclassroomforall to seeand to remindme thateachstudent I face isequallyimportant.

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people youmeet feel themselvessuperiortoyouinsomeway,andasurewaytotheirheartsistoletthemrealiseinsomesubtlewaythatyourealisetheirimportance,andrecogniseitsincerely.

RememberwhatEmersonsaid:‘EverymanImeetismysuperiorinsomeway.Inthat,Ilearnofhim.’

And the pathetic part of it is that frequently those who have the leastjustification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a show oftumultandconceitwhichis trulynauseating.AsShakespeareput it: ‘. . .man,proudman,/Drestinalittlebriefauthority,/...Playssuchfantastictricksbeforehighheaven/Asmaketheangelsweep.’

Iamgoingtotellyouhowbusinesspeopleinmyowncourseshaveappliedthese principles with remarkable results. Let’s take the case of a Connecticutattorney(becauseofhisrelativesheprefersnottohavehisnamementioned).

Shortlyafterjoiningthecourse,Mr.R–drovetoLongIslandwithhiswifetovisitsomeofherrelatives.Shelefthimtochatwithanoldauntofhersand

thenrushedoffbyherselftovisitsomeoftheyoungerrelatives.Sincehesoonhad to give a speech professionally on how he applied the principles ofappreciation,hethoughthewouldgainsomeworthwhileexperiencetalkingwiththeelderly lady.Sohe lookedaround thehouse toseewhathecouldhonestlyadmire.

‘Thishousewasbuiltabout1890,wasn’tit?’heinquired.‘Yes,’shereplied,‘thatispreciselytheyearitwasbuilt.’‘It remindsme of the house Iwas born in,’ he said. ‘It’s beautiful.Well

built.Roomy.Youknow,theydon’tbuildhouseslikethisanymore.’‘You’reright,’ theoldladyagreed.‘Theyoungfolksnowadaysdon’tcare

for beautiful homes. All they want is a small apartment, and then they gogaddingaboutintheirautomobiles.

‘Thisisadreamhouse,’shesaidinavoicevibratingwithtendermemories.‘Thishousewasbuiltwith love.MyhusbandandIdreamedabout it foryearsbeforewebuiltit.Wedidn’thaveanarchitect.Weplanneditallouselves.’

She showed Mr. R – about the house, and he expressed his heartyadmiration for the beautiful treasures she had picked up in her travels andcherished over a lifetime – paisley shawls, an oldEnglish tea set,Wedgwoodchina,Frenchbedsandchairs,Italianpaintings,andsilkdraperiesthathadoncehunginaFrenchchateau.

AftershowingMr.R–throughthehouse,shetookhimouttothegarage.There,jackeduponblocks,wasaPackardcar–inmintcondition.

‘Myhusbandboughtthatcarformeshortlybeforehepassedon,’shesaidsoftly.‘Ihaveneverriddeninitsincehisdeath...Youappreciatenicethings,andI’mgoingtogivethiscartoyou.’

‘Why,aunty,’hesaid,‘youoverwhelmme.Iappreciateyourgenerosity,ofcourse;butIcouldn’tpossiblyacceptit.I’mnotevenarelativeofyours.Ihaveanewcar,andyouhavemanyrelativesthatwouldliketohavethatPackard.’

‘Relatives!’sheexclaimed.‘Yes,IhaverelativeswhoarejustwaitingtillIdiesotheycangetthatcar.Buttheyarenotgoingtogetit.’

‘If you don’t want to give it to them, you can very easily sell it to asecondhanddealer,’hetoldher.

‘Sellit!’shecried.‘DoyouthinkIwouldsellthiscar?DoyouthinkIcouldstandtoseestrangersridingupanddownthestreetinthatcar–thatcarthatmyhusbandbought forme?Iwouldn’tdreamofselling it. I’mgoing togive it toyou.Youappreciatebeautifulthings.’

Hetriedtogetoutofacceptingthecar,buthecouldn’twithouthurtingherfeelings.

Thislady,leftallaloneinabighousewithherpaisleyshawls,herFrench

antiques,andhermemories,wasstarvingfora littlerecognition.Shehadoncebeen young and beautiful and sought after. She had once built a housewarmwith love and had collected things from all over Europe tomake it beautiful.Now,intheisolatedlonelinessofoldage,shecravedalittlehumanwarmth,alittlegenuineappreciation–andnoonegaveit toher.Andwhenshefoundit,likeaspring in thedesert,hergratitudecouldn’tadequatelyexpress itselfwithanythinglessthanthegiftofhercherishedPackard.

Let’stakeanothercase:DonaldM.McMahon,whowassuperintendentofLewis andValentine, nurserymen and landscape architects inRye,NewYork,relatedthisincident:

‘Shortly after I attended the talk on “How toWin Friends and InfluencePeople,”Iwaslandscapingtheestateofafamousattorney.Theownercameoutto give me a few instructions about where he wished to plant a mass ofrhododendronsandazaleas.

‘Isaid,“Judge,youhavealovelyhobby.I’vebeenadmiringyourbeautifuldogs. I understand you win a lot of blue ribbons every year at the show inMadisonSquareGarden.”

‘Theeffectofthislittleexpressionofappreciationwasstriking.‘“Yes,”thejudgereplied,“Idohavealotoffunwithmydogs.Wouldyou

liketoseemykennel?”‘Hespentalmostanhourshowingmehisdogsandtheprizestheyhadwon.

He even brought out their pedigrees and explained about the bloodlinesresponsibleforsuchbeautyandintelligence.

‘Finally,turningtome,heasked:“Doyouhaveanysmallchildren?”‘“Yes,Ido,”Ireplied,“Ihaveason.”‘“Well,wouldn’thelikeapuppy?’thejudgeinquired.‘“Oh,yes,he’dbetickledpink.’‘“Allright,I’mgoingtogivehimone,”thejudgeannounced.‘Hestartedtotellmehowtofeedthepuppy.Thenhepaused.“You’llforget

it if I tellyou. I’llwrite itout.”So the judgewent in thehouse, typedout thepedigreeandfeedinginstructions,andgavemeapuppyworthseveralhundreddollarsandonehourandfifteenminutesofhisvaluabletimelargelybecauseIhadexpressedmyhonestadmirationforhishobbyandachievements.’

GeorgeEastman,ofKodak fame, invented the transparent film thatmademotion pictures possible, amassed a fortune of a hundredmillion dollars, andmadehimselfoneofthemostfamousbusinessmenonearth.Yetinspiteofallthesetremendousaccomplishments,hecravedlittlerecognitionsevenasyouandI.

Toillustrate:WhenEastmanwasbuildingtheEastmanSchoolofMusicand

alsoKilbournHallinRochester,JamesAdamson,thenpresidentoftheSuperiorSeatingCompany ofNewYork,wanted to get the order to supply the theatrechairs for these buildings. Phoning the architect, Mr. Adamson made anappointmenttoseeMr.EastmaninRochester.

WhenAdamson arrived, the architect said: ‘I know youwant to get thisorder,butIcantellyourightnowthatyouwon’tstandaghostofashowifyoutake more than five minutes of George Eastman’s time. He is a strictdisciplinarian.Heisverybusy.Sotellyourstoryquicklyandgetout.’

Adamsonwaspreparedtodojustthat.Whenhewasushered into the roomhe sawMr.Eastmanbendingover a

pile of papers at his desk. Presently, Mr. Eastman looked up, removed hisglasses, and walked toward the architect and Mr. Adamson, saying: ‘Goodmorning,gentlemen,whatcanIdoforyou?’

Thearchitect introducedthem,andthenMr.Adamsonsaid: ‘Whilewe’vebeenwaitingforyou,Mr.Eastman,I’vebeenadmiringyouroffice. Iwouldn’tmind working in a room like this myself. I’m in the interior-woodworkingbusiness,andIneversawamorebeautifulofficeinallmylife.’

George Eastman replied: ‘You remind me of something I had almostforgotten.Itisbeautiful,isn’tit?Ienjoyeditagreatdealwhenitwasfirstbuilt.ButIcomedownherenowwithalotofotherthingsonmymindandsometimesdon’tevenseetheroomforweeksatatime.’

Adamsonwalkedoverandrubbedhishandacrossapanel.‘ThisisEnglishoak,isn’tit?AlittledifferenttexturefromtheItalianoak.’

‘Yes,’Eastmanreplied.‘ImportedEnglishoak.Itwasselectedformebyafriendwhospecialisesinfinewoods.’

ThenEastmanshowedhimabouttheroom,commentingontheproportions,the colouring, the hand carving and other effects he had helped to plan andexecute.

Whiledriftingabouttheroom,admiringthewoodwork,theypausedbeforea window, and George Eastman, in his modest, soft-spoken way, pointed outsome of the institutions through which he was trying to help humanity: theUniversity of Rochester, the General Hospital, the Homeopathic Hospital, theFriendly Home, the Children’s Hospital. Mr. Adamson congratulated himwarmlyontheidealisticwayhewasusinghiswealthtoalleviatethesufferingsofhumanity.Presently,GeorgeEastmanunlockedaglasscaseandpulledoutthefirst camera he had ever owned – an invention he had bought from anEnglishman.

Adamsonquestionedhimatlengthabouthisearlystrugglestogetstartedinbusiness, and Mr. Eastman spoke with real feeling about the poverty of his

childhood,tellinghowhiswidowedmotherhadkeptaboardinghousewhileheclerkedinaninsuranceoffice.Theterrorofpovertyhauntedhimdayandnight,and he resolved to make enoughmoney so that his mother wouldn’t have towork.Mr.Adamsondrewhimoutwithfurtherquestionsandlistened,absorbed,whilehe related the storyofhisexperimentswithdryphotographicplates.Hetold howhe hadworked in an office all day, and sometimes experimented allnight, taking only brief naps while the chemicals were working, sometimesworkingandsleepinginhisclothesforseventy-twohoursatastretch.

JamesAdamsonhadbeenusheredintoEastman’sofficeat ten-fifteenandhadbeenwarnedthathemustnottakemorethanfiveminutes;butanhourhadpassed,thentwohourspassed.Andtheywerestilltalking.

Finally,GeorgeEastmanturnedtoAdamsonandsaid,‘ThelasttimeIwasin Japan I bought some chairs, brought them home, and put them inmy sunporch. But the sun peeled the paint, so I went downtown the other day andboughtsomepaintandpaintedthechairsmyself.WouldyouliketoseewhatsortofjobIcandopaintingchairs?Allright.ComeuptomyhomeandhavelunchwithmeandI’llshowyou.’

Afterlunch,Mr.EastmanshowedAdamsonthechairshehadbroughtfromJapan.Theyweren’tworthmorethanafewdollars,butGeorgeEastman,nowamultimillionaire,wasproudofthembecausehehimselfhadpaintedthem.

Theorderfortheseatsamountedto$90,000.Whodoyousupposegottheorder–JamesAdamsonoroneofhiscompetitors?

From the time of this story until Mr. Eastman’s death, he and JamesAdamsonwereclosefriends.

ClaudeMarais,arestaurantownerinRouen,France,usedthisprincipleandsaved his restaurant the loss of a key employee. Thiswoman had been in hisemploy for fiveyearsandwasavital linkbetweenM.Maraisandhis staffoftwenty-one people. He was shocked to receive a registered letter from heradvisinghimofherresignation.

M.Marais reported: ‘I was very surprised and, evenmore, disappointed,becauseIwasundertheimpressionthatIhadbeenfair toherandreceptivetoherneeds.Inasmuchasshewasafriendaswellasanemployee,Iprobablyhadtakenhertoomuchforgrantedandmaybewasevenmoredemandingofherthanofotheremployees.

‘Icouldnot,ofcourse,acceptthisresignationwithoutsomeexplanation.Itookherasideandsaid,“Paulette,youmustunderstandthatIcannotacceptyourresignation.Youmeanagreatdeal tomeand to thiscompany,andyouareasimportanttothesuccessofthisrestaurantasIam.”Irepeatedthisinfrontoftheentire staff, and I invitedher tomyhomeand reiteratedmyconfidence inher

withmyfamilypresent.‘Paulette withdrew her resignation, and today I can rely on her as never

before. I frequently reinforce this by expressingmy appreciation forwhat shedoesandshowingherhowimportantsheistomeandtotherestaurant.’

‘Talktopeopleaboutthemselves,’saidDisraeli,oneoftheshrewdestmenwho ever ruled theBritishEmpire. ‘Talk to people about themselves and theywilllistenforhours.’

PRINCIPLE6Maketheotherpersonfeelimportant–anddoitsincerely.

INANUTSHELLSIXWAYSTOMAKEPEOPLELIKEYOU

PRINCIPLE1Becomegenuinelyinterestedinotherpeople.

PRINCIPLE2Smile.

PRINCIPLE3Rememberthataperson’snameistothatpersonthesweetestandmost

importantsoundinanylanguage.

PRINCIPLE4Beagoodlistener.Encourageotherstotalkaboutthemselves.

PRINCIPLE5Talkintermsoftheotherperson’sinterests.

PRINCIPLE6Maketheotherpersonfeelimportant–anddoitsincerely.

SHORTLYAFTERTHE close ofWorldWar I, I learned an invaluable lesson onenightinLondon.IwasmanageratthetimeforSirRossSmith.Duringthewar,SirRosshadbeentheAustralianaceoutinPalestine;andshortlyafterpeacewasdeclared,heastonishedtheworldbyflyinghalfwayarounditinthirtydays.Nosuchfeathadeverbeenattemptedbefore.Itcreatedatremendoussensation.TheAustraliangovernmentawardedhimfiftythousanddollars;theKingofEnglandknighted him; and, for a while, he was the most talked-about man under theUnionJack.IwasattendingabanquetonenightgiveninSirRoss’shonour;andduringthedinner,themansittingnexttometoldahumorousstorywhichhingedonthequotation‘There’sadivinitythatshapesourends,rough-hewthemhowwewill.’

The raconteur mentioned that the quotation was from the Bible. He waswrong. I knew that. I knew it positively.There couldn’t be the slightest doubtabout it. And so, to get a feeling of importance and displaymy superiority, Iappointedmyselfasanunsolicitedandunwelcomecommitteeofonetocorrecthim.Hestucktohisguns.What?FromShakespeare?Impossible!Absurd!ThatquotationwasfromtheBible.Andheknewit.

Thestorytellerwassittingonmyright;andFrankGammond,anoldfriendofmine,wasseatedatmyleft.Mr.GammondhaddevotedyearstothestudyofShakespeare. So the storyteller and I agreed to submit the question to Mr.Gammond.Mr.Gammond listened, kickedme under the table, and then said:‘Dale,youarewrong.Thegentlemanisright.ItisfromtheBible.’

Onourwayhomethatnight,IsaidtoMr.Gammond:‘Frank,youknewthatquotationwasfromShakespeare.’

‘Yes, of course,’ he replied, ‘Hamlet,ActFive, SceneTwo.Butwewereguestsatafestiveoccasion,mydearDale.Whyprovetoamanheiswrong?Isthatgoingtomakehimlikeyou?Whynotlethimsavehisface?Hedidn’taskfor your opinion. He didn’t want it.Why argue with him? Always avoid theacuteangle.’Themanwhosaid that taughtmea lessonI’llnever forget. Inotonly had made the storyteller uncomfortable, but had put my friend in anembarrassingsituation.HowmuchbetteritwouldhavebeenhadInotbecomeargumentative.

It was a sorely needed lesson because I had been an inveterate arguer.During my youth, I had argued with my brother about everything under theMilkyWay.WhenIwenttocollege,Istudiedlogicandargumentationandwentinfordebatingcontests.TalkaboutbeingfromMissouri,Iwasbornthere.Ihadtobeshown.Later,ItaughtdebatingandargumentationinNewYork;andonce,Iamashamedtoadmit, Iplannedtowriteabookonthesubject.Since then,Ihavelistenedto,engagedin,andwatchedtheeffectofthousandsofarguments.Asaresultofallthis,Ihavecometotheconclusionthatthereisonlyonewayunderhighheaventogetthebestofanargument–andthatistoavoidit.Avoiditasyouwouldavoidrattlesnakesandearthquakes.

Ninetimesoutoften,anargumentendswitheachofthecontestantsmorefirmlyconvincedthaneverthatheisabsolutelyright.

Youcan’twinanargument.Youcan’tbecauseifyouloseit,youloseit;andifyouwinit,youloseit.Why?Well,supposeyoutriumphovertheothermanand shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he isnon composmentis.Thenwhat?Youwill feel fine.Butwhat abouthim?Youhavemadehim feelinferior.Youhavehurthispride.Hewillresentyourtriumph.And–

AmanconvincedagainsthiswillIsofthesameopinionstill.

Years ago Patrick J. O’Haire joined one of my classes. He had had littleeducation,andhowhelovedascrap!Hehadoncebeenachauffeur,andhecametomebecausehehadbeentrying,withoutmuchsuccess,toselltrucks.Alittlequestioning brought out the fact that he was continually scrapping with andantagonisingtheverypeoplehewastryingtodobusinesswith.Ifaprospectsaidanythingderogatoryaboutthetruckshewasselling,Patsawredandwasrightatthecustomer’sthroat.Patwonalotofargumentsinthosedays.Ashesaidtomeafterward,‘Ioftenwalkedoutofanofficesaying:“Itoldthatbirdsomething.”SureIhadtoldhimsomething,butIhadn’tsoldhimanything.’

MyfirstproblemwasnottoteachPatrickJ.O’Hairetotalk.Myimmediatetaskwastotrainhimtorefrainfromtalkingandtoavoidverbalfights.

Mr. O’Haire became one of the star salesmen for the White MotorCompanyinNewYork.Howdidhedoit?Hereishisstoryinhisownwords:‘IfIwalkintoabuyer’sofficenowandhesays:“What?AWhitetruck?They’renogood!Iwouldn’ttakeoneifyougaveit tome.I’mgoingtobuytheWhose-Ittruck,” I say, “TheWhose-It is a good truck. If you buy theWhose-It, you’llnevermakeamistake.TheWhose-Itsaremadebyafinecompanyandsoldbygoodpeople.”

‘He is speechless then.There is no room for an argument. If he says theWhose-It is best and I say sure it is, he has to stop. He can’t keep on allafternoonsaying,“It’sthebest”whenI’magreeingwithhim.WethengetoffthesubjectofWhose-ItandIbegintotalkaboutthegoodpointsoftheWhitetruck.

‘Therewasatimewhenaremarklikehisfirstonewouldhavemademeseescarletandredandorange.Iwouldstartarguingagainst theWhose-It;andthemore Iarguedagainst it, themoremyprospectargued in favourof it; and themoreheargued,themorehesoldhimselfonmycompetitor’sproduct.

‘AsIlookbacknowIwonderhowIwaseverabletosellanything.Ilostyearsofmylifeinscrappingandarguing.Ikeepmymouthshutnow.Itpays.’

AswiseoldBenFranklinusedtosay:

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victorysometimes;butitwillbeanemptyvictorybecauseyouwillnevergetyouropponent’sgoodwill.

So figure it out for yourself. Which would you rather have, an academic,theatricalvictoryoraperson’sgoodwill?Youcanseldomhaveboth.

TheBostonTranscriptonceprintedthisbitofsignificantdoggerel:

HereliesthebodyofWilliamJay,Whodiedmaintaininghisrightofway–Hewasright,deadright,ashespedalong,Buthe’sjustasdeadasifhewerewrong.

Youmayberight,deadright,asyouspeedalonginyourargument;butasfaraschanginganother’smind isconcerned,youwillprobablybe justas futileas ifyouwerewrong.

Frederick S. Parsons, an income tax consultant, had been disputing andwranglingforanhourwithagovernmenttaxinspector.Anitemofninethousanddollarswasatstake.Mr.Parsonsclaimedthatthisninethousanddollarswasinrealityabaddebt,thatitwouldneverbecollected,thatitoughtnottobetaxed.‘Baddebt,myeye!’retortedtheinspector.‘Itmustbetaxed.’

‘This inspector was cold, arrogant and stubborn,’Mr. Parsons said as hetoldthestorytotheclass.‘Reasonwaswastedandsowerefacts...Thelongerwe argued, the more stubborn he became. So I decided to avoid argument,changethesubject,andgivehimappreciation.

‘Isaid,“Isupposethisisaverypettymatterincomparisonwiththereallyimportantanddifficultdecisionsyou’rerequiredtomake.I’vemadeastudyof

taxationmyself.ButI’vehadtogetmyknowledgefrombooks.Youaregettingyoursfromthefiringlineofexperience.IsometimeswishIhadajoblikeyours.Itwouldteachmealot.”ImeanteverywordIsaid.

‘“Well.”Theinspectorstraightenedupinhischair,leanedback,andtalkedforalongtimeabouthiswork,tellingmeofthecleverfraudshehaduncovered.His tonegraduallybecame friendly, andpresentlyhewas tellingmeabouthischildren.Asheleft,headvisedmethathewouldconsidermyproblemfurtherandgivemehisdecisioninafewdays.

‘He called at my office three days later and informed me that he haddecidedtoleavethetaxreturnexactlyasitwasfiled.’

This tax inspectorwasdemonstratingoneof themost commonofhumanfrailties.Hewantedafeelingofimportance;andaslongasMr.Parsonsarguedwithhim,hegothisfeelingofimportancebyloudlyassertinghisauthority.Butas soonashis importancewasadmittedand theargument stoppedandhewaspermittedtoexpandhisego,hebecameasympatheticandkindlyhumanbeing.

Buddha said: ‘Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,’ and amisunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy,conciliationandasympatheticdesiretoseetheotherperson’sviewpoint.

Lincolnoncereprimandedayoungarmyofficerfor indulging inaviolentcontroversywith an associate. ‘Nomanwho is resolved tomake themost ofhimself,’saidLincoln,‘cansparetimeforpersonalcontention.Stilllesscanheaffordtotaketheconsequences,includingthevitiationofhistemperandthelossofself-control.Yieldlargerthingstowhichyoushownomorethanequalrights;andyield lesser ones thoughclearlyyourown.Better giveyourpath to adogthanbebittenbyhimincontestingfortheright.Evenkillingthedogwouldnotcurethebite.’

InanarticleinBitsandPieces,1somesuggestionsaremadeonhowtokeepadisagreementfrombecominganargument:

Welcomethedisagreement.Remembertheslogan,‘Whentwopartnersalwaysagree,oneofthemisnotnecessary.’Ifthereissomepointyouhaven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention.Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be correctedbeforeyoumakeaseriousmistake.

Distrustyourfirstinstinctiveimpression.Ourfirstnaturalreactioninadisagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful.Keep calm andwatchoutforyourfirstreaction.Itmaybeyouatyourworst,notyourbest.

Controlyourtemper.Remember,youcanmeasurethesizeofapersonbywhatmakeshimorherangry.

Listenfirst.Giveyouropponentsachancetotalk.Letthemfinish.Donot resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to buildbridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers ofmisunderstanding.

Look for areas of agreement.When you have heard your opponentsout,dwellfirstonthepointsandareasonwhichyouagree.

Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so.Apologize foryourmistakes. Itwillhelpdisarmyouropponentsandreducedefensiveness.

Promisetothinkoveryouropponents’ideasandstudythemcarefully.Andmean it. Your opponentsmay be right. It is a lot easier at thisstage toagree to thinkabout theirpoints than tomoverapidlyaheadand find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: ‘Wetriedtotellyou,butyouwouldn’tlisten.’

Thankyouropponents sincerely for their interest.Anyonewho takesthetimetodisagreewithyouisinterestedinthesamethingsyouare.Thinkof themas peoplewho reallywant to help you, andyoumayturnyouropponentsintofriends.

Postponeactiontogivebothsidestimetothinkthroughtheproblem.Suggestthatanewmeetingbeheldlaterthatdayorthenextday,whenall the factsmaybebrought tobear. Inpreparation for thismeeting,askyourselfsomehardquestions:

Couldmyopponentsberight?Partlyright?Istheretruthormeritintheirpositionorargument?Ismyreactiononethatwillrelievetheproblem,orwillitjustrelieveanyfrustration?Willmyreactiondrivemy opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will myreactionelevatetheestimationgoodpeoplehaveofme?WillIwinorlose?WhatpricewillIhavetopayifIwin?IfIamquietaboutit,willthedisagreementblowover? Is thisdifficult situationanopportunityforme?

OperatenorJanPeerce,afterhewasmarriednearlyfiftyyears,oncesaid:‘My

wifeandImadeapactalongtimeago,andwe’vekeptitnomatterhowangrywe’vegrownwitheachother.Whenoneyells,theothershouldlisten–becausewhentwopeopleyell,thereisnocommunication,justnoiseandbadvibrations.’

PRINCIPLE1Theonlywaytogetthebestofanargumentistoavoidit.

1.BitsandPieces,publishedbyTheEconomicsPress,Fairfield,N.J.

WHENTHEODOREROOSEVELTwas in theWhiteHouse, he confessed that if hecouldberight75percentofthetime,hewouldreachthehighestmeasureofhisexpectation.

Ifthatwasthehighestratingthatoneofthemostdistinguishedmenofthetwentiethcenturycouldhopetoobtain,whataboutyouandme?

Ifyoucanbesureofbeing rightonly55percentof the time,youcangodown toWallStreet andmake amilliondollars aday. If you can’t be sureofbeingrighteven55percentof the time,whyshouldyoutellotherpeople theyarewrong?

Youcantellpeopletheyarewrongbyalookoranintonationoragesturejustaseloquentlyasyoucaninwords–andifyoutellthemtheyarewrong,doyoumake themwant to agreewith you?Never! For you have struck a directblow at their intelligence, judgement, pride and self-respect. That will makethem want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change theirminds.YoumaythenhurlatthemallthelogicofaPlatooranImmanuelKant,butyouwillnotaltertheiropinions,foryouhavehurttheirfeelings.

Neverbeginbyannouncing‘Iamgoingtoproveso-and-sotoyou.’That’sbad.That’s tantamount to saying: ‘I’m smarter thanyou are. I’mgoing to tellyouathingortwoandmakeyouchangeyourmind.’

That is a challenge. It arouses opposition andmakes the listenerwant tobattlewithyoubeforeyouevenstart.

It is difficult, under even themost benign conditions, to change people’sminds.Sowhymakeitharder?Whyhandicapyourself?

If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it sosubtly,soadroitly,thatnoonewillfeelthatyouaredoingit.ThiswasexpressedsuccinctlybyAlexanderPope:

MenmustbetaughtasifyoutaughtthemnotAndthingsunknownproposedasthingsforgot.

OverthreehundredyearsagoGalileosaid:

Youcannotteachamananything;youcanonlyhelphimtofinditwithinhimself.

AsLordChesterfieldsaidtohisson:

Bewiserthanotherpeopleifyoucan;butdonottellthemso.

SocratessaidrepeatedlytohisfollowersinAthens:

OnethingonlyIknow,andthatisthatIknownothing.

Well,Ican’thopetobeanysmarterthanSocrates,soIhavequittellingpeopletheyarewrong.AndIfindthatitpays.

Ifapersonmakesastatementthatyouthinkiswrong–yes,eventhatyouknowiswrong– isn’t itbetter tobeginbysaying: ‘Well,now, look. I thoughtotherwisebutImaybewrong.Ifrequentlyam.AndifIamwrong,Iwanttobeputright.Let’sexaminethefacts.’

There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: ‘I may be wrong, Ifrequentlyam.Let’sexaminethefacts.’

Nobodyintheheavensaboveorontheearthbeneathorinthewatersunderthe earthwill ever object to your saying: ‘Imaybewrong.Let’s examine thefacts.’

One of our class members who used this approach in dealing withcustomerswasHaroldReinke,aDodgedealerinBillings,Montana.Hereportedthat because of the pressures of the automobile business, he was often hard-boiledandcallouswhendealingwithcustomers’complaints.Thiscausedflaredtempers,lossofbusinessandgeneralunpleasantness.

Hetoldhisclass:‘Recognisingthatthiswasgettingmenowherefast,Itriedanewtack.Iwouldsaysomethinglikethis:“OurdealershiphasmadesomanymistakesthatIamfrequentlyashamed.Wemayhaveerredinyourcase.Tellmeaboutit.”

‘This approach becomes quite disarming, and by the time the customerreleases his feelings, he is usually much more reasonable when it comes tosettlingthematter. Infact,severalcustomershavethankedmeforhavingsuchanunderstandingattitude.Andtwoofthemhaveevenbroughtinfriendstobuy

new cars. In this highly competitive market, we need more of this type ofcustomer, and I believe that showing respect for all customers’ opinions andtreatingthemdiplomaticallyandcourteouslywillhelpbeatthecompetition.’

Youwillnevergetintotroublebyadmittingthatyoumaybewrong.Thatwillstopallargumentandinspireyouropponenttobejustasfairandopenandbroad-mindedasyouare. Itwillmakehimwant toadmit thathe, too,maybewrong.

Ifyouknowpositivelythatapersoniswrong,andyoubluntlytellhimorher so,whathappens?Letme illustrate.Mr.S–, ayoungNewYorkattorney,once argued a rather important case before the United States Supreme Court(Lustgarten v. Fleet Corporation 280 U.S. 320). The case involved aconsiderable sum of money and an important question of law. During theargument, one of the Supreme Court justices said to him: ‘The statute oflimitationsinadmiraltylawissixyears,isitnot?’

Mr.S–stopped,staredattheJusticeforamoment,andthensaidbluntly:‘YourHonour,thereisnostatuteoflimitationsinadmiralty.’

‘Ahushfellonthecourt,’saidMr.S–asherelatedhisexperiencetooneoftheauthor’sclasses,‘andthetemperatureintheroomseemedtodroptozero.Iwasright.Justice–waswrong.AndIhadtoldhimso.Butdid thatmakehimfriendly?No. I still believe that I had the lawonmy side.And I know that Ispoke better than I ever spoke before. But I didn’t persuade. I made theenormousblunderoftellingaverylearnedandfamousmanthathewaswrong.’

Fewpeopleare logical.Mostofusareprejudicedandbiased.Mostofusareblightedwithpreconceivednotions,withjealousy,suspicion,fear,envyandpride.Andmostcitizensdon’twanttochangetheirmindsabouttheirreligionortheirhaircutorcommunismortheirfavouritemoviestar.So,ifyouareinclinedtotellpeopletheyarewrong,pleasereadthefollowingparagrapheverymorningbefore breakfast. It is from James Harvey Robinson’s enlightening book TheMindintheMaking.

We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without anyresistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, weresent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incrediblyheedlessintheformationofourbeliefs,butfindourselvesfilledwithan illicit passion for themwhen anyone proposes to rob us of theircompanionship. It isobviouslynot the ideas themselves thataredeartous,butourself-esteemwhichisthreatened...Thelittleword‘my’is the most important one in human affairs, and properly to reckonwithitisthebeginningofwisdom.Ithasthesameforcewhetheritis

‘my’dinner, ‘my’dog, and ‘my’house,or ‘my’ father, ‘my’country,and ‘my’ God.We not only resent the imputation that our watch iswrong, or our car shabby, but that our conception of the canals ofMars, of the pronunciation of ‘Epictetus,’ of the medicinal value ofsalicin, or of the date of Sargon I is subject to revision.We like tocontinue tobelievewhatwehavebeenaccustomedtoacceptas true,and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of ourassumptionsleadsustoseekeverymannerofexcuseforclingingtoit.The result is thatmost of our so-called reasoning consists in findingargumentsforgoingonbelievingaswealreadydo.

Carl Rogers, the eminent psychologist, wrote in his book On Becoming aPerson:

I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself tounderstand the other person. The way in which I have worded thisstatementmayseemstrangetoyou.Isitnecessarytopermitoneselftounderstand another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most of thestatements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation orjudgment,ratherthananunderstandingofit.Whensomeoneexpressessomefeeling,attitudeorbelief,ourtendencyisalmostimmediatelytofeel ‘that’s right,’ or ‘that’s stupid,’ ‘that’s abnormal,’ ‘that’sunreasonable,’ ‘that’s incorrect,’ ‘that’s not nice.’ Very rarely do wepermit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of thestatementistotheotherperson.1

I once employed an interior decorator to make some draperies for my home.Whenthebillarrived,Iwasdismayed.

Afewdayslater,afrienddroppedinandlookedatthedraperies.Thepricewasmentioned,andsheexclaimedwithanoteoftriumph:‘What?That’sawful.Iamafraidheputoneoveronyou.’

True?Yes,shehadtoldthetruth,butfewpeopleliketolistentotruthsthatreflectontheirjudgement.So,beinghuman,Itriedtodefendmyself.Ipointedout that thebest iseventually thecheapest, thatonecan’texpect togetqualityandartistictasteatbargain-basementprices,andsoonandon.

The next day another friend dropped in, admired the draperies, bubbledoverwithenthusiasm,andexpressedawishthatshecouldaffordsuchexquisitecreationsforherhome.Myreactionwastotallydifferent.‘Well,totellthetruth,’Isaid,‘Ican’taffordthemmyself.Ipaidtoomuch.I’msorryIorderedthem.’

Whenwearewrong,wemayadmitittoourselves.Andifwearehandledgently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in ourfrankness and broad-mindedness.But not if someone else is trying to ram theunpalatablefactdownouroesophagus.

HoraceGreeley,themostfamouseditorinAmericaduringthetimeoftheCivilWar,disagreedviolentlywithLincoln’spolicies.HebelievedthathecoulddriveLincoln intoagreeingwithhimbyacampaignofargument, ridiculeandabuse.Hewagedthisbittercampaignmonthaftermonth,yearafteryear.Infact,hewroteabrutal,bitter, sarcasticandpersonalattackonPresidentLincoln thenightBoothshothim.

But did all this bitterness make Lincoln agree with Greeley? Not at all.Ridiculeandabuseneverdo.

If you want some excellent suggestions about dealing with people andmanaging yourself and improving your personality, read Benjamin Franklin’sautobiography–oneofthemostfascinatinglifestorieseverwritten,oneoftheclassics of American literature. Ben Franklin tells how he conquered theiniquitoushabitofargumentandtransformedhimselfintooneofthemostable,suaveanddiplomaticmeninAmericanhistory.

Oneday,whenBenFranklinwasablunderingyouth,anoldQuakerfriendtookhimasideandlashedhimwithafewstingingtruths,somethinglikethis:

Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them foreveryonewho differswith you.They have become so offensive thatnobodycaresforthem.Yourfriendsfindtheyenjoythemselvesbetterwhenyouarenotaround.Youknowsomuchthatnomancantellyouanything.Indeed,nomanisgoingtotry,fortheeffortwouldleadonlytodiscomfortandhardwork.Soyouarenotlikelyevertoknowanymorethanyoudonow,whichisverylittle.

OneofthefinestthingsIknowaboutBenFranklinisthewayheacceptedthatsmartingrebuke.Hewasbigenoughandwiseenoughtorealisethatitwastrue,tosensethathewasheadedforfailureandsocialdisaster.Sohemadearight-about-face.Hebeganimmediatelytochangehisinsolent,opinionatedways.

‘Imade it a rule,’ saidFranklin, ‘to forbear all direct contradiction to thesentimentofothers,andallpositiveassertionofmyown.Ievenforbademyselfthe use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix’dopinion,suchas“certainly,”“undoubtedly,”etc.,andIadopted,insteadofthem,“I conceive,” “I apprehend,” or “I imagine” a thing to be so or so, or “it soappears tome at present.”When another asserted something that I thought an

error,Ideny’dmyselfthepleasureofcontradictinghimabruptly,andofshowingimmediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I began byobservingthatincertaincasesorcircumstanceshisopinionwouldberight,butinthepresentcasethereappear’dorseem’dtomesomedifference,etc.Isoonfoundtheadvantageofthischangeinmymanner;theconversationsIengag’dinwent on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I propos’d my opinionsprocur’dthemareadierreceptionandlesscontradiction;IhadlessmortificationwhenIwasfoundtobeinthewrong,andImoreeasilyprevail’dwithotherstogiveuptheirmistakesandjoinwithmewhenIhappenedtobeintheright.

‘And this mode, which I at first put on with some violence to naturalinclination, became at length so easy, and so habitual tome, that perhaps forthesefiftyyearspastnoonehaseverheardadogmaticalexpressionescapeme.Andtothishabit(aftermycharacterofintegrity)IthinkitprincipallyowingthatI had earned so much weight with my fellow citizens when I proposed newinstitutions,or alterations in theold, and somuch influence inpublic councilswhenIbecameamember;forIwasbutabadspeaker,nevereloquent,subjecttomuch hesitation inmy choice ofwords, hardly correct in language, and yet Igenerallycarriedmypoints.’

How do Ben Franklin’s methods work in business? Let’s take twoexamples.

Katherine A. Allred of KingsMountain, North Carolina, is an industrialengineeringsupervisor forayarn-processingplant.She toldoneofourclasseshowshehandledasensitiveproblembeforeandaftertakingourtraining:

‘Part of my responsibility,’ she reported, ‘deals with setting up andmaintainingincentivesystemsandstandardsforouroperatorssotheycanmakemoremoneybyproducingmoreyarn.The systemwewereusinghadworkedfinewhenwehadonlytwoorthreedifferenttypesofyarn,butrecentlywehadexpanded our inventory and capabilities to enable us to runmore than twelvedifferent varieties. The present system was no longer adequate to pay theoperators fairly for the work being performed and give them an incentive toincreaseproduction. Ihadworkedupanewsystemwhichwouldenableus topaytheoperatorbytheclassofyarnshewasrunningatanyoneparticulartime.Withmynewsysteminhand,Ienteredthemeetingdeterminedtoprovetothemanagement thatmysystemwas the rightapproach. I told them indetailhowtheywerewrongandshowedwheretheywerebeingunfairandhowIhadalltheanswerstheyneeded.Tosaytheleast,Ifailedmiserably!Ihadbecomesobusydefendingmy position on the new system that I had left them no opening tograciouslyadmittheirproblemsontheoldone.Theissuewasdead.

‘After several sessions of this course, I realised all toowellwhere I had

mademymistakes.IcalledanothermeetingandthistimeIaskedwheretheyfelttheirproblemswere.Wediscussedeachpoint,andIasked themtheiropinionsonwhichwas the bestway to proceed.With a few low-keyed suggestions, atproper intervals, I let them developmy system themselves.At the end of themeetingwhenIactuallypresentedmysystem,theyenthusiasticallyacceptedit.

‘I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot ofdamagecanbedoneifyoutellapersonstraightoutthatheorsheiswrong.Youonly succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself anunwelcomepartofanydiscussion.’

Let’s take another example – and remember these cases I am citing aretypical of the experiences of thousands of other people. R.V. Crowley was asalesman for a lumber company in NewYork. Crowley admitted that he hadbeentellinghard-boiledlumberinspectorsforyearsthattheywerewrong.Andhehadwontheargumentstoo.Butithadn’tdoneanygood.‘Fortheselumberinspectors,’ said Mr. Crowley, ‘are like baseball umpires. Once they make adecision,theyneverchangeit.’

Mr.Crowleysawthathisfirmwaslosingthousandsofdollarsthroughtheargumentshewon.Sowhiletakingmycourse,heresolvedtochangetacticsandabandon arguments.With what results? Here is the story as he told it to thefellowmembersofhisclass:

‘Onemorningthephoneranginmyoffice.Ahotandbotheredpersonattheotherendproceededtoinformmethatacaroflumberwehadshippedintohisplantwasentirelyunsatisfactory.Hisfirmhadstoppedunloadingandrequestedthatwemakeimmediatearrangementstoremovethestockfromtheiryard.Afteraboutone-fourthof thecarhadbeenunloaded, their lumber inspector reportedthat thelumberwasrunning55percentbelowgrade.Underthecircumstances,theyrefusedtoacceptit.

‘Iimmediatelystartedforhisplantandonthewayturnedoverinmymindthe best way to handle the situation. Ordinarily, under such circumstances, Ishouldhavequotedgradingrulesandtried,asaresultofmyownexperienceandknowledgeasalumberinspector,toconvincetheotherinspectorthatthelumberwas actually up to grade, and that he was misinterpreting the rules in hisinspection. However, I thought I would apply the principles learned in thistraining.

‘WhenIarrivedat theplant, I foundthepurchasingagentandthe lumberinspectorinawickedhumour,bothsetforanargumentandafight.Wewalkedout to the car that was being unloaded, and I requested that they continue tounload so that I could see how thingswere going. I asked the inspector to goright aheadand layout the rejects, ashehadbeendoing, and toput thegood

piecesinanotherpile.‘Afterwatchinghimforawhileitbegantodawnonmethathisinspection

actually was much too strict and that he was misinterpreting the rules. Thisparticular lumber was white pine, and I knew the inspector was thoroughlyschooled in hard woods but not a competent, experienced inspector on whitepine. White pine happened to be my own strong suit, but did I offer anyobjection to the way he was grading the lumber? None whatever. I kept onwatchingandgraduallybegantoaskquestionsastowhycertainpieceswerenotsatisfactory. I didn’t for one instant insinuate that the inspector was wrong. Iemphasisedthatmyonlyreasonforaskingwasinorderthatwecouldgivehisfirmexactlywhattheywantedinfutureshipments.

‘By asking questions in a very friendly, cooperative spirit, and insistingcontinually that they were right in laying out boards not satisfactory to theirpurpose, Igothimwarmedup, and the strained relationsbetweenusbegan tothawandmeltaway.Anoccasionalcarefullyputremarkonmypartgavebirthtothe idea in hismind that possibly some of these rejected pieceswere actuallywithin thegrade that theyhadbought,and that their requirementsdemandedamoreexpensivegrade. Iwasverycareful,however,not to lethim think Iwasmakinganissueofthispoint.

‘Gradually hiswhole attitude changed.He finally admitted tome that hewasnot experiencedonwhite pine andbegan to askmequestions about eachpieceasitcameoutofthecar.Iwouldexplainwhysuchapiececamewithinthegradespecified,butkeptoninsistingthatwedidnotwanthimtotakeitifitwasunsuitablefortheirpurpose.Hefinallygottothepointwherehefeltguiltyeverytimeheputapieceintherejectedpile.Andatlasthesawthatthemistakewasontheirpartfornothavingspecifiedasgoodagradeastheyneeded.

‘The ultimate outcomewas that hewent through the entire carload againafterIleft,acceptedthewholelot,andwereceivedacheckinfull.

‘In that one instance alone, a little tact, and the determination to refrainfrom telling the other man he was wrong, saved my company a substantialamountofcash,anditwouldbehardtoplaceamoneyvalueonthegoodwillthatwassaved.’

MartinLutherKingwasaskedhow,asapacifist,hecouldbeanadmirerofAir Force General Daniel ‘Chappie’ James, then the nation’s highest-rankingblackofficer.Dr.Kingreplied,‘Ijudgepeoplebytheirownprinciples–notbymyown.’

Inasimilarway,GeneralRobertE.LeeoncespoketothepresidentoftheConfederacy,JeffersonDavis,inthemostglowingtermsaboutacertainofficerunderhiscommand.Anotherofficerinattendancewasastonished.‘General,’he

said,‘doyounotknowthatthemanofwhomyouspeaksohighlyisoneofyourbitterest enemies who misses no opportunity to malign you?’ ‘Yes,’ repliedGeneralLee,‘butthepresidentaskedmyopinionofhim;hedidnotaskforhisopinionofme.’

Bytheway,Iamnotrevealinganythingnewinthischapter.Twothousandyearsago,Jesussaid:‘Agreewiththineadversaryquickly.’

And2,200yearsbeforeChristwasborn,KingAkhtoiofEgyptgavehissonsome shrewd advice – advice that is sorely needed today. ‘Be diplomatic,’counselledtheKing.‘Itwillhelpyougainyourpoint.’

In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or youradversary.Don’ttellthemtheyarewrong,don’tgetthemstirredup.Usealittlediplomacy.

PRINCIPLE2Showrespectfortheotherperson’sopinions.Neversay,‘You’rewrong.’

1.AdaptedfromCarlR.Rogers,OnBecomingaPerson(Boston:HoughtonMifflin,1961),pp.18ff.

WITHINAMINUTE’Swalkofmyhousetherewasawildstretchofvirgintimber,where the blackberry thickets foamed white in the springtime, where thesquirrels nested and reared their young, and thehorseweedsgrewas tall as ahorse’s head. This unspoiledwoodlandwas called Forest Park – and itwas aforest, probably not much different in appearance from what it was whenColumbusdiscoveredAmerica. I frequentlywalked in this parkwithRex,mylittle Boston bulldog. He was a friendly, harmless little hound; and since werarelymetanyoneinthepark,ItookRexalongwithoutaleashoramuzzle.

One day we encountered a mounted policeman in the park, a policemanitchingtoshowhisauthority.

‘What do you mean by letting that dog run loose in the park without amuzzleandleash?’hereprimandedme.‘Don’tyouknowit’sagainstthelaw?’

‘Yes,Iknowitis,’Irepliedsoftly,‘butIdidn’tthinkhewoulddoanyharmouthere.’

‘Youdidn’t think!Youdidn’t think!Thelawdoesn’tgiveatinker’sdamnaboutwhatyou think.Thatdogmightkill a squirrelorbiteachild.Now, I’mgoing to let youoff this time; but if I catch this dogout here againwithout amuzzleandaleash,you’llhavetotellittothejudge.’

Imeeklypromisedtoobey.And I did obey – for a few times. But Rex didn’t like the muzzle, and

neitherdidI;sowedecidedtotakeachance.Everythingwaslovelyforawhile,andthenwestruckasnag.RexandIracedoverthebrowofahilloneafternoonandthere,suddenly–tomydismay–Isawthemajestyofthelaw,astrideabayhorse.Rexwasoutinfront,headingstraightfortheofficer.

Iwasinforit.Iknewit.SoIdidn’twaituntilthepolicemanstartedtalking.Ibeathimtoit.Isaid:‘Officer,you’vecaughtmered-handed.I’mguilty.Ihavenoalibis,noexcuses.YouwarnedmelastweekthatifIbroughtthedogouthereagainwithoutamuzzleyouwouldfineme.’

‘Well, now,’ the policeman responded in a soft tone. ‘I know it’s atemptation to let a little dog like that have a run out here when nobody isaround.’

‘Sureit’satemptation,’Ireplied,‘butitisagainstthelaw.’‘Well, a little dog like that isn’t going to harm anybody,’ the policeman

remonstrated.‘No,buthemaykillsquirrels,’Isaid.‘Wellnow,Ithinkyouaretakingthisabittooseriously,’hetoldme.‘I’ll

tellyouwhatyoudo.Youjustlethimrunoverthehill therewhereIcan’tseehim–andwe’llforgetallaboutit.’

Thatpoliceman,beinghuman,wanteda feelingof importance; sowhen Ibegantocondemnmyself,theonlywayhecouldnourishhisself-esteemwastotakethemagnanimousattitudeofshowingmercy.

ButsupposeIhadtriedtodefendmyself–well,didyoueverarguewithapoliceman?

Butinsteadofbreakinglanceswithhim,Iadmittedthathewasabsolutelyright and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly, and withenthusiasm.Theaffairterminatedgraciouslyinmytakinghissideandhistakingmyside.LordChesterfieldhimselfcouldhardlyhavebeenmoregracious thanthismountedpoliceman,who, only aweekpreviously, had threatened to havethelawonme.

Ifweknowwearegoingtoberebukedanyhow,isn’titfarbettertobeattheother person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticismthantobearcondemnationfromalienlips?

Sayaboutyourselfall thederogatory thingsyouknowtheotherperson isthinkingorwantstosayorintendstosay–andsaythembeforethatpersonhasachancetosaythem.Thechancesareahundredtoonethatagenerous,forgivingattitudewillbetakenandyourmistakeswillbeminimisedjustasthemountedpolicemandidwithmeandRex.

FerdinandE.Warren, a commercial artist, used this technique towin thegoodwillofapetulant,scoldingbuyerofart.

‘It is important, in making drawings for advertising and publishingpurposes,tobepreciseandveryexact,’Mr.Warrensaidashetoldthestory.

‘Somearteditorsdemandthattheircommissionsbeexecutedimmediately;andinthesecases,someslighterrorisliabletooccur.Iknewoneartdirectorinparticularwhowasalwaysdelightedtofindfaultwithsomelittle thing.Ihaveoften lefthisoffice indisgust,notbecauseof thecriticism,butbecauseofhismethodofattack.RecentlyIdeliveredarush job to thiseditor,andhephonedme to call at his office immediately. He said something was wrong.When Iarrived, I found just what I had anticipated – and dreaded. He was hostile,gloatingoverhischancetocriticise.HedemandedwithheatwhyIhaddonesoandso.Myopportunityhadcometoapplytheself-criticismIhadbeenstudying

about.SoIsaid:“Mr.So-and-so,ifwhatyousayistrue,Iamatfaultandthereisabsolutelynoexcuseformyblunder.Ihavebeendoingdrawingsforyoulongenoughtoknowbetter.I’mashamedofmyself.”

‘Immediatelyhestartedtodefendme.“Yes,you’reright,butafterall,thisisn’taseriousmistake.Itisonly—”

‘I interruptedhim.“Anymistake,” I said,“maybecostlyand theyareallirritating.”

‘Hestartedtobreakin,butIwouldn’tlethim.Iwashavingagrandtime.Forthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwascriticisingmyself–andIlovedit.

‘“I should have been more careful,” I continued. “You give me a lot ofwork,andyoudeservethebest;soI’mgoingtodothisdrawingallover.”

‘“No! No!” he protested. “I wouldn’t think of putting you to all thattrouble.”Hepraisedmywork,assuredmethathewantedonlyaminorchangeandthatmyslighterrorhadn’tcosthisfirmanymoney;and,afterall, itwasameredetail–notworthworryingabout.

‘Myeagernesstocriticisemyselftookallthefightoutofhim.Heendedupbytakingmetolunch;andbeforeweparted,hegavemeachequeandanothercommission.’

There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admitone’serrors.Itnotonlyclearstheairofguiltanddefensiveness,butoftenhelpssolvetheproblemcreatedbytheerror.

Bruce Harvey of Albuquerque, New Mexico, had incorrectly authorisedpayment of fullwages to an employeeon sick leave.Whenhediscoveredhiserror,hebroughtittotheattentionoftheemployeeandexplainedthattocorrectthemistakehewouldhavetoreducehisnextpaychequebytheentireamountoftheoverpayment.Theemployeepleadedthatasthatwouldcausehimaseriousfinancialproblem,couldthemoneyberepaidoveraperiodoftime?Inordertodo this,Harvey explained, hewould have to obtain his supervisor’s approval.‘And this I knew,’ reported Harvey, ‘would result in a boss-type explosion.While trying to decide how to handle this situation better, I realised that thewholemesswasmyfaultandIwouldhavetoadmitittomyboss.

‘I walked into his office, told him that I had made a mistake and theninformedhimof the complete facts.He replied in an explosivemanner that itwas the fault of the personnel department. I repeated that itwasmy fault.Heexploded again about carelessness in the accounting department. Again Iexplained itwasmyfault.Heblamed twootherpeople in theoffice.ButeachtimeIreiterateditwasmyfault.Finally,helookedatmeandsaid,“Okay,itwasyourfault.Nowstraightenitout.”Theerrorwascorrectedandnobodygotintotrouble. I felt great because Iwas able tohandle a tense situation andhad the

couragenottoseekalibis.Mybosshashadmorerespectformeeversince.’Anyfoolcantrytodefendhisorhermistakes–andmostfoolsdo–butit

raisesoneabove theherdandgivesonea feelingofnobilityandexultation toadmitone’smistakes.Forexample,oneofthemostbeautifulthingsthathistoryrecordsaboutRobertE.LeeisthewayheblamedhimselfandonlyhimselfforthefailureofPickett’schargeatGettysburg.

Pickett’schargewasundoubtedlythemostbrilliantandpicturesqueattackthateveroccurredintheWesternworld.GeneralGeorgeE.Picketthimselfwaspicturesque.Heworehishairso longthathisauburn locksalmost touchedhisshoulders; and, like Napoleon in his Italian campaigns, hewrote ardent love-lettersalmostdailywhileonthebattlefield.HisdevotedtroopscheeredhimthattragicJulyafternoonasherodeoffjauntilytowardtheUnionlines,hiscapsetata rakish angle over his right ear. They cheered and they followed him, mantouchingman,rankpressingrank,withbannersflyingandbayonetsgleaminginthesun.Itwasagallantsight.Daring.Magnificent.AmurmurofadmirationranthroughtheUnionlinesastheybeheldit.

Pickett’s troops swept forward at an easy trot, through orchard andcornfield,acrossameadowandoveraravine.Allthetime,theenemy’scannonwastearingghastlyholesintheirranks.Butontheypressed,grim,irresistible.

SuddenlytheUnioninfantryrosefrombehindthestonewallonCemeteryRidgewhere they had been hiding and fired volley after volley into Pickett’sonrushingtroops.Thecrestofthehillwasasheetofflame,aslaughterhouse,ablazingvolcano. Ina fewminutes,allofPickett’sbrigadecommandersexceptoneweredown,andfour-fifthsofhisfivethousandmenhadfallen.

General Lewis A. Armistead, leading the troops in the final plunge, ranforward, vaulted over the stone wall, and, waving his cap on the top of hissword,shouted:

‘Give’emthesteel,boys!’They did. They leaped over the wall, bayoneted their enemies, smashed

skulls with clubbed muskets, and planted the battleflags of the South onCemeteryRidge.

Thebannerswaved thereonlyforamoment.But thatmoment,briefas itwas,recordedthehigh-watermarkoftheConfederacy.

Pickett’scharge–brilliant,heroic–wasneverthelessthebeginningoftheend.Leehadfailed.HecouldnotpenetratetheNorth.Andheknewit.

TheSouthwasdoomed.Leewassosaddened,soshocked,thathesentinhisresignationandasked

Jefferson Davis, the president of the Confederacy, to appoint ‘a younger andablerman.’IfLeehadwantedtoblamethedisastrousfailureofPickett’scharge

on someone else, he could have found a score of alibis. Some of his divisioncommandershad failedhim.The cavalryhadn’t arrived in time to support theinfantryattack.Thishadgonewrongandthathadgoneawry.

ButLeewasfartoonobletoblameothers.AsPickett’sbeatenandbloodytroopsstruggledback to theConfederate lines,RobertE.Leerodeout tomeetthemallaloneandgreetedthemwithaself-condemnationthatwaslittleshortofsublime.‘Allthishasbeenmyfault,’heconfessed.‘IandIalonehavelostthisbattle.’

Fewgeneralsinallhistoryhavehadthecourageandcharactertoadmitthat.MichaelCheung,who teachesour course inHongKong, toldofhow the

Chinese culture presents some special problems and how sometimes it isnecessary to recognise that the benefit of applying a principle may be moreadvantageous thanmaintaininganold tradition.Hehadonemiddle-agedclassmemberwhohadbeenestranged fromhis son formanyyears.The fatherhadbeenanopiumaddict,butwasnowcured.InChinesetraditionanolderpersoncannot take the first step. The father felt that itwas up to his son to take theinitiativetowardareconciliation.Inanearlysession,hetoldtheclassaboutthegrandchildrenhehadneverseenandhowmuchhedesired tobereunitedwithhisson.Hisclassmates,allChinese,understoodhisconflictbetweenhisdesireand long-established tradition. The father felt that young people should haverespectfortheireldersandthathewasrightinnotgivingintohisdesire,buttowaitforhissontocometohim.

Toward theendof thecourse thefatheragainaddressedhisclass. ‘Ihaveponderedthisproblem,’hesaid.‘DaleCarnegiesays,“Ifyouarewrong,admititquickly and emphatically.” It is too late forme to admit it quickly, but I canadmititemphatically.Iwrongedmyson.Hewasrightinnotwantingtoseemeand to expel me from his life. I may lose face by asking a younger person’sforgiveness,butIwasatfaultanditismyresponsibilitytoadmitthis.’Theclassapplaudedandgavehimtheirfullsupport.Atthenextclasshetoldhowhewenttohisson’shouse,askedforandreceivedforgivenessandwasnowembarkedona new relationshipwith his son, his daughter-in-law and the grandchildren hehadatlastmet.

ElbertHubbardwasoneofthemostoriginalauthorswhoeverstirredupanation,andhisstingingsentencesoftenarousedfierceresentment.ButHubbardwithhisrareskillforhandlingpeoplefrequentlyturnedhisenemiesintofriends.

Forexample,whensomeirritatedreaderwroteintosaythathedidn’tagreewithsuchandsuchanarticleandendedbycallingHubbardthisandthat,ElbertHubbardwouldanswerlikethis:

Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself. Noteverything Iwroteyesterdayappeals tome today. Iamglad to learnwhat you think on the subject. The next time you are in theneighbourhood youmust visit us andwe’ll get this subject threshedoutforalltime.Sohereisahandclaspoverthemiles,andIam,

Yourssincerely,

Whatcouldyousaytoamanwhotreatedyoulikethat?Whenweareright,let’strytowinpeoplegentlyandtactfullytoourwayof

thinking,andwhenwearewrong–andthatwillbesurprisinglyoften,ifwearehonestwithourselves– let’s admit ourmistakesquickly andwith enthusiasm.Notonlywillthattechniqueproduceastonishingresults;but,believeitornot,itisalotmorefun,underthecircumstances,thantryingtodefendoneself.

Remember the old proverb: ‘By fighting you never get enough, but byyieldingyougetmorethanyouexpected.’

PRINCIPLE3Ifyouarewrong,admititquicklyandemphatically.

IFYOURTEMPERisarousedandyoutell’emathingortwo,youwillhaveafinetime unloading your feelings.Butwhat about the other person?Will he shareyourpleasure?Willyourbelligerenttones,yourhostileattitude,makeiteasyforhimtoagreewithyou?

‘Ifyoucomeatmewithyourfistsdoubled,’saidWoodrowWilson,‘IthinkIcanpromiseyouthatminewilldoubleasfastasyours;butifyoucometomeandsay,“Letussitdownandtakecounseltogether,and,ifwedifferfromeachother,understandwhyitisthatwediffer,justwhatthepointsatissueare,”wewillpresentlyfindthatwearenotsofarapartafterall,thatthepointsonwhichwedifferarefewandthepointsonwhichweagreearemany,andthatifweonlyhave the patience and the candour and the desire to get together, wewill gettogether.’

Nobody appreciated the truth ofWoodrowWilson’s statementmore thanJohn D. Rockefeller, Jr. Back in 1915, Rockefeller was the most fiercelydespised man in Colorado. One of the bloodiest strikes in the history ofAmerican industry had been shocking the state for two terrible years. Irate,belligerentminerswere demanding higherwages from theColorado Fuel andIron Company; Rockefeller controlled that company. Property had beendestroyed, troopshadbeencalledout.Bloodhadbeenshed.Strikershadbeenshot,theirbodiesriddledwithbullets.

Atatimelikethat,withtheairseethingwithhatred,Rockefellerwantedtowin the strikers to hiswayof thinking.Andhedid it.How?Here’s the story.Afterweeksspent inmakingfriends,Rockefelleraddressed therepresentativesof the strikers. This speech, in its entirety, is a masterpiece. It producedastonishing results. Itcalmed the tempestuouswavesofhate that threatened toengulfRockefeller. Itwonhimahostof admirers. Itpresented facts in suchafriendlymannerthatthestrikerswentbacktoworkwithoutsayinganotherwordabouttheincreaseinwagesforwhichtheyhadfoughtsoviolently.

Theopeningof that remarkable speech follows.Note how it fairly glowswith friendliness.Rockefeller, remember,was talking tomenwho, a fewdayspreviously, had wanted to hang him by the neck to a sour apple tree; yet hecouldn’thavebeenmoregracious,morefriendlyifhehadaddressedagroupof

medicalmissionaries.HisspeechwasradiantwithsuchphrasesasIamproudtobehere,havingvisitedinyourhomes,metmanyofyourwivesandchildren,wemeet here not as strangers, but as friends… spirit ofmutual friendship, ourcommoninterests,itisonlybyyourcourtesythatIamhere.

‘Thisisared-letterdayinmylife,’Rockefellerbegan.‘ItisthefirsttimeIhaveeverhadthegoodfortunetomeettherepresentativesoftheemployeesofthis great company, its officers and superintendents, together, and I can assureyouthatIamproudtobehere,andthatIshallrememberthisgatheringaslongasIlive.Hadthismeetingbeenheldtwoweeksago,Ishouldhavestoodhereastrangertomostofyou,recognisingafewfaces.Havinghadtheopportunitylastweek of visiting all the camps in the southern coal field and of talkingindividuallywith practically all of the representatives, except thosewhowereaway;havingvisitedinyourhomes,metmanyofyourwivesandchildren,wemeet here not as strangers, but as friends, and it is in that spirit of mutualfriendship that I am glad to have this opportunity to discuss with you ourcommoninterests.

‘Since this is a meeting of the officers of the company and therepresentativesoftheemployees,itisonlybyyourcourtesythatIamhere,forIam not so fortunate as to be either one or the other; and yet I feel that I amintimately associated with you men, for, in a sense, I represent both thestockholdersandthedirectors.’

Isn’tthatasuperbexampleofthefineartofmakingfriendsoutofenemies?SupposeRockefellerhadtakenadifferenttack.Supposehehadarguedwith

thoseminers and hurled devastating facts in their faces. Suppose he had toldthembyhistonesandinsinuationsthattheywerewrong.Supposethat,byalltherulesoflogic,hehadprovedthattheywerewrong.Whatwouldhavehappened?Moreangerwouldhavebeenstirredup,morehatred,morerevolt.

Ifaman’sheartisranklingwithdiscordandillfeelingtowardyou,you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic inChristendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses andhusbandsandnaggingwivesoughttorealizethatpeopledon’twanttochangetheirminds.Theycan’tbeforcedordriventoagreewithyou or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle andfriendly,eversogentleandeversofriendly.

Lincolnsaidthat,ineffect,overahundredyearsago.Herearehiswords:

It is an old and truemaxim that ‘a drop of honey catchesmore

fliesthanagallonofgall.’Sowithmen,ifyouwouldwinamantoyour cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.Thereinisadropofhoneythatcatcheshisheart;which,saywhatyouwill,isthegreathighroadtohisreason.

Business executives have learned that it pays to be friendly to strikers. Forexample,when2,500employeesintheWhiteMotorCompany’splantstruckforhigherwagesandaunionshop,RobertF.Black,thenpresidentofthecompany,didn’t lose his temper and condemn and threaten and talk of tyranny andCommunists.Heactuallypraisedthestrikers.HepublishedanadvertisementintheClevelandpapers,complimentingthemon‘thepeacefulwayinwhichtheylaiddowntheirtools.’Findingthestrikepicketsidle,heboughtthemacoupleofdozenbaseballbatsandglovesandinvitedthemtoplayballonvacantlots.Forthosewhopreferredbowling,herentedabowlingalley.

ThisfriendlinessonMr.Black’spartdidwhatfriendlinessalwaysdoes: itbegotfriendliness.Sothestrikersborrowedbrooms,shovels,andrubbishcarts,andbeganpickingupmatches,papers,cigarettestubs,andcigarbuttsaroundthefactory. Imagine it! Imagine strikers tidying up the factory grounds whilebattlingforhigherwagesandrecognitionoftheunion.Suchaneventhadneverbeenheardofbeforeinthelong,tempestuoushistoryofAmericanlabourwars.Thatstrikeendedwithacompromisesettlementwithinaweek–endedwithoutanyillfeelingorrancour.

DanielWebster,wholookedlikeagodandtalkedlikeJehovah,wasoneofthemost successful advocateswho ever pleaded a case; yet he ushered in hismostpowerfulargumentswithsuchfriendlyremarksas:‘Itwillbeforthejurytoconsider,’‘Thismay,perhaps,beworththinkingof,’‘HerearesomefactsthatItrustyouwillnotlosesightof,’or‘You,withyourknowledgeofhumannature,willeasilyseethesignificanceofthesefacts.’Nobulldozing.Nohigh-pressuremethods. No attempt to force his opinions on others. Webster used the soft-spoken,quiet,friendlyapproach,andithelpedtomakehimfamous.

Youmayneverbecalledupontosettleastrikeoraddressa jury,butyoumaywant toget your rent reduced.Will the friendly approachhelpyou then?Let’ssee.

O.L.Straub,anengineer,wantedtogethisrentreduced.Andheknewhislandlordwashard-boiled.‘Iwrotehim,’Mr.Straubsaidinaspeechbeforetheclass, ‘notifying him that I was vacating my apartment as soon as my leaseexpired.Thetruthwas,Ididn’twanttomove.IwantedtostayifIcouldgetmyrent reduced.But the situation seemedhopeless.Other tenantshad tried–andfailed.Everyonetoldmethat thelandlordwasextremelydifficult todealwith.

ButIsaidtomyself,“Iamstudyingacourseinhowtodealwithpeople,soI’lltryitonhim–andseehowitworks.”

‘Heandhissecretarycametoseemeassoonashegotmyletter.Imethimat the door with a friendly greeting. I fairly bubbled with good will andenthusiasm.Ididn’tbegintalkingabouthowhightherentwas.IbegantalkingabouthowmuchI likedhisapartmenthouse.Believeme,Iwas“hearty inmyapprobationandlavishinmypraise.”Icomplimentedhimonthewayheranthebuilding and told him I should like so much to stay for another year but Icouldn’taffordit.

‘He had evidently never had such a reception from a tenant. He hardlyknewwhattomakeofit.

‘Then he started to tell me his troubles. Complaining tenants. One hadwritten him fourteen letters, some of them positively insulting. Anotherthreatenedtobreakhisleaseunlessthelandlordkeptthemanonthefloorabovefromsnoring.“Whatareliefitis,”hesaid,“tohaveasatisfiedtenantlikeyou.”Andthen,withoutmyevenaskinghimtodoit,heofferedtoreducemyrentalittle.Iwantedmore,soInamedthefigureIcouldaffordtopay,andheacceptedwithoutaword.

‘Ashewasleaving,heturnedtomeandasked,“WhatdecoratingcanIdoforyou?”

‘IfIhadtriedtogettherentreducedbythemethodstheothertenantswereusing,IampositiveIshouldhavemetwiththesamefailuretheyencountered.Itwasthefriendly,sympathetic,appreciativeapproachthatwon.’

Dean Woodcock of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, is the superintendent of adepartment of the local electric company. His staff was called upon to repairsome equipment on top of a pole. This type of work had formerly beenperformedbyadifferentdepartment andhadonly recentlybeen transferred toWoodcock’ssection.Althoughhispeoplehadbeentrainedinthework,thiswasthefirsttimetheyhadeveractuallybeencalledupontodoit.Everybodyintheorganisation was interested in seeing if and how they could handle it. Mr.Woodcock, several of his subordinate managers, and members of otherdepartmentsoftheutilitywenttoseetheoperation.Manycarsandtruckswerethere,andanumberofpeoplewerestandingaroundwatchingthetwolonemenontopofthepole.

Glancingaround,Woodcocknoticedamanupthestreetgettingoutofhiscar with a camera. He began taking pictures of the scene. Utility people areextremelyconsciousofpublic relations,andsuddenlyWoodcockrealisedwhatthissetup looked like to themanwith thecamera–overkill,dozensofpeoplebeing called out to do a two-person job. He strolled up the street to the

photographer.‘Iseeyou’reinterestedinouroperation.’‘Yes,andmymotherwillbemorethaninterested.Sheownsstockinyour

company. This will be an eye-opener for her. She may even decide herinvestment was unwise. I’ve been telling her for years there’s a lot of wastemotionincompanieslikeyours.Thisprovesit.Thenewspapersmightlikethesepictures,too.’

‘Itdoes look like it,doesn’t it? I’d think the same thing inyourposition.Butthisisauniquesituation...‘andDeanWoodcockwentontoexplainhowthiswas the first jobof this type forhis department andhoweverybody fromexecutives down was interested. He assured the man that under normalconditions two people could handle the job. The photographer put away hiscamera,shookWoodcock’shand,andthankedhimfortakingthetimetoexplainthesituationtohim.

Dean Woodcock’s friendly approach saved his company muchembarrassmentandbadpublicity.

Anothermemberofoneofourclasses,GeraldH.WinnofLittleton,NewHampshire, reported how by using a friendly approach, he obtained a verysatisfactorysettlementonadamageclaim.

‘Earlyinthespring,’hereported,‘beforethegroundhadthawedfromthewinter freezing, therewas an unusually heavy rainstorm and thewater,whichnormallywouldhaverunofftonearbyditchesandstormdrainsalongtheroad,tookanewcourseontoabuildinglotwhereIhadjustbuiltanewhome.

‘Notbeingabletorunoff,thewaterpressurebuiltuparoundthefoundationofthehouse.Thewaterforceditselfundertheconcretebasementfloor,causingittoexplode,andthebasementfilledwithwater.Thisruinedthefurnaceandthehot-waterheater.Thecosttorepairthisdamagewasinexcessoftwothousanddollars.Ihadnoinsurancetocoverthistypeofdamage.

‘However,Isoonfoundoutthattheownerofthesubdivisionhadneglectedtoputinastormdrainnearthehousewhichcouldhavepreventedthisproblem.Imadeanappointmenttoseehim.Duringthetwenty-five-miletriptohisoffice,Icarefullyreviewedthesituationand,rememberingtheprinciplesIlearnedinthiscourse, I decided that showing my anger would not serve any worthwhilepurpose.WhenIarrived,IkeptverycalmandstartedbytalkingabouthisrecentvacationtotheWestIndies;then,whenIfeltthetimingwasright,Imentionedthe “little” problem of water damage. He quickly agreed to do his share inhelpingtocorrecttheproblem.

‘Afewdayslaterhecalledandsaidhewouldpayforthedamageandalsoputinastormdraintopreventthesamethingfromhappeninginthefuture.

‘Eventhoughitwasthefaultoftheownerofthesubdivision,ifIhadnotbegun in a friendly way, there would have been a great deal of difficulty ingettinghimtoagreetothetotalliability.’

Years ago, when I was a barefoot boy walking through the woods to acountryschoolout innorthwestMissouri, I reada fableabout thesunand thewind. They quarrelled about which was the stronger, and the wind said, ‘I’llproveIam.Seetheoldmandowntherewithacoat?IbetIcangethiscoatoffhimquickerthanyoucan.’

So the sunwentbehinda cloud, and thewindblewuntil itwas almost atornado,buttheharderitblew,thetightertheoldmanclutchedhiscoattohim.

Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came outfrombehindthecloudsandsmiledkindlyontheoldman.Presently,hemoppedhisbrowandpulledoffhiscoat.Thesunthentoldthewindthatgentlenessandfriendlinesswerealwaysstrongerthanfuryandforce.

The use of gentleness and friendliness is demonstrated day after day bypeoplewhohavelearnedthatadropofhoneycatchesmorefliesthanagallonofgall.F.GaleConnorofLutherville,Maryland,provedthiswhenhehadtotakehis four-month-oldcar to theservicedepartmentof thecardealer for the thirdtime. He told our class: ‘It was apparent that talking to, reasoning with orshoutingattheservicemanagerwasnotgoingtoleadtoasatisfactoryresolutionofmyproblems.

‘Iwalked over to the showroom and asked to see the agency owner,Mr.White.After a shortwait, Iwas ushered intoMr.White’s office. I introducedmyself and explained to him that I had bought my car from his dealershipbecauseoftherecommendationsoffriendswhohadhadpreviousdealingswithhim. I was told that his prices were very competitive and his service wasoutstanding.Hesmiledwith satisfactionashe listened tome. I thenexplainedthe problem I was having with the service department. “I thought you mightwant to be aware of any situation that might tarnish your fine reputation,” Iadded.He thankedme for calling this tohis attentionandassuredme thatmyproblemwouldbetakencareof.Notonlydidhepersonallygetinvolved,buthealsolentmehiscartousewhileminewasbeingrepaired.’

Aesop was a Greek slave who lived at the court of Croesus and spunimmortalfablessixhundredyearsbeforeChrist.Yet the truthshetaughtabouthuman nature are just as true in Boston and Birmingham now as they weretwenty-six centuries ago inAthens. The sun canmake you take off your coatmore quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach andappreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all theblusterandstormingintheworld.

RememberwhatLincolnsaid: ‘Adropofhoneycatchesmoreflies thanagallonofgall.’

PRINCIPLE4Begininafriendlyway.

IN TALKING WITH people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which youdiffer.Beginbyemphasising–andkeeponemphasising–thethingsonwhichyouagree.Keepemphasising,ifpossible,thatyouarebothstrivingforthesameendandthatyouronlydifferenceisoneofmethodandnotofpurpose.

Gettheotherpersonsaying‘Yes,yes’attheoutset.Keepyouropponent,ifpossible,fromsaying‘No.’

A ‘No’ response, according to Professor Overstreet,1 is a most difficulthandicap toovercome.Whenyouhavesaid ‘No,’allyourprideofpersonalitydemands that you remain consistentwithyourself.Youmay later feel that the‘No’wasill-advised;nevertheless,thereisyourpreciouspridetoconsider!Oncehavingsaidathing,youfeelyoumuststicktoit.Henceitisoftheverygreatestimportancethatapersonbestartedintheaffirmativedirection.

The skilful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of ‘Yes’ responses.Thissets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmativedirection.Itislikethemovementofabilliardball.Propelinonedirection,andittakes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back in the oppositedirection.

Thepsychologicalpatternsherearequiteclear.Whenaperson says ‘No’andreallymeansit,heorsheisdoingfarmorethansayingawordoftwoletters.Theentireorganism–glandular,nervous,muscular–gathersitselftogetherintoaconditionofrejection.Thereis,usuallyinminutebutsometimesinobservabledegree, a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The wholeneuromuscularsystem,inshort,setsitselfonguardagainstacceptance.When,tothecontrary,apersonsays‘Yes,’noneof thewithdrawalactivities takesplace.Theorganismisinaforward-moving,accepting,openattitude.Hencethemore‘Yeses’wecan,attheveryoutset,induce,themorelikelywearetosucceedincapturingtheattentionforourultimateproposal.

It isaverysimpletechnique–thisyesresponse.Andyet,howmuchit isneglected! It often seems as if people get a sense of their own importance byantagonisingothersattheoutset.

Getastudenttosay‘No’atthebeginning,oracustomer,child,husband,orwife, and it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels to transform that

bristlingnegativeintoanaffirmative.The use of this ‘yes, yes’ technique enabled James Eberson, who was a

tellerintheGreenwichSavingsBank,inNewYorkCity,tosecureaprospectivecustomerwhomightotherwisehavebeenlost.

‘Thismancameintoopenanaccount,’saidMr.Eberson,‘andIgavehimourusualformtofillout.Someofthequestionsheansweredwillingly,buttherewereothersheflatlyrefusedtoanswer.

‘Before I began the study of human relations, I would have told thisprospective depositor that if he refused to give the bank this information, weshould have to refuse to accept this account. I am ashamed that I have beenguiltyofdoingthatverythinginthepast.Naturally,anultimatumlikethatmademefeelgood.Ihadshownwhowasboss,thatthebank’srulesandregulationscouldn’t be flouted. But that sort of attitude certainly didn’t give a feeling ofwelcomeandimportancetothemanwhohadwalkedintogiveushispatronage.

‘I resolved thismorning to use a little horse sense. I resolved not to talkaboutwhatthebankwantedbutaboutwhatthecustomerwanted.Andaboveallelse, I was determined to get him saying ‘yes, yes’ from the very start. So Iagreedwithhim.Itoldhimtheinformationherefusedtogivewasnotabsolutelynecessary.

‘“However,” I said,“supposeyouhavemoney in thisbankatyourdeath.Wouldn’tyouliketohavethebanktransferittoyournextofkin,whoisentitledtoitaccordingtolaw?”

‘“Yes,ofcourse,”hereplied.‘“Don’tyouthink,”Icontinued,“thatitwouldbeagoodideatogiveusthe

nameofyournextofkinsothat,intheeventofyourdeath,wecouldcarryoutyourwisheswithouterrorordelay?”

‘Againhesaid,“Yes.”‘Theyoungman’sattitudesoftenedandchangedwhenherealisedthatwe

weren’taskingforthisinformationforoursakebutforhissake.Beforeleavingthebank,thisyoungmannotonlygavemecompleteinformationabouthimselfbut he opened, at my suggestion, a trust account, naming his mother as thebeneficiary for his account, and he had gladly answered all the questionsconcerninghismotheralso.

‘Ifoundthatbygettinghimtosay“yes,yes”fromtheoutset,heforgottheissueatstakeandwashappytodoallthethingsIsuggested.’

JosephAllison,asalesrepresentativeforWestinghouseElectricCompany,had this story to tell: ‘Therewasaman inmy territory thatour companywasmost eager to sell to.Mypredecessorhadcalledonhim for tenyearswithoutsellinganything.WhenItookovertheterritory,Icalledsteadilyforthreeyears

withoutgettinganorder.Finally,after thirteenyearsofcallsandsalestalk,wesold him a few motors. If these proved to be all right, an order for severalhundredmorewouldfollow.Suchwasmyexpectation.

‘Right?Iknewtheywouldbeallright.SowhenIcalledthreeweekslater,Iwasinhighspirits.

‘Thechiefengineergreetedmewiththisshockingannouncement:“Allison,Ican’tbuytheremainderofthemotorsfromyou.”

‘“Why?”Iaskedinamazement.“Why?”‘“Becauseyourmotorsaretoohot.Ican’tputmyhandonthem.”‘Iknewitwouldn’tdoanygoodtoargue.Ihadtriedthatsortofthingtoo

long.SoIthoughtofgettingthe“yes,yes”response.‘“Well,nowlook,Mr.Smith,”Isaid.“Iagreewithyouahundredpercent;

ifthosemotorsarerunningtoohot,yououghtnottobuyanymoreofthem.Youmusthavemotors thatwon’t runanyhotter thanstandards setby theNationalElectricalManufacturersAssociation.Isn’tthatso?’

‘Heagreeditwas.Ihadgottenmyfirst“yes.”‘“TheElectricalManufacturersAssociationregulationssaythataproperly

designedmotormayhavea temperatureof72degreesFahrenheit above roomtemperature.Isthatcorrect?”

‘“Yes,”heagreed.“That’squitecorrect.Butyourmotorsaremuchhotter.”‘Ididn’targuewithhim.Imerelyasked:“Howhotisthemillroom?”‘“Oh,”hesaid,“about75degreesFahrenheit.”‘“Well,”I replied,“if themill roomis75degreesandyouadd72to that,

thatmakesa totalof147degreesFahrenheit.Wouldn’tyouscaldyourhand ifyou held it under a spigot of hot water at a temperature of 147 degreesFahrenheit?”

‘Againhehadtosay“yes.”‘“Well,” I suggested, “wouldn’t it be a good idea to keep your hands off

thosemotors?”‘“Well,Iguessyou’reright,’headmitted.Wecontinuedtochatforawhile.

Then he called his secretary and lined up approximately $35,000 worth ofbusinessfortheensuingmonth.

‘Ittookmeyearsandcostmecountlessthousandsofdollarsinlostbusinessbefore I finally learned that it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much moreprofitable andmuchmore interesting to lookat things from theotherperson’sviewpointandtrytogetthatpersonsaying“yes,yes.”’

EddieSnow,whosponsorsourcoursesinOakland,California,tellshowhebecameagoodcustomerofashopbecause theproprietorgothimtosay‘yes,yes.’ Eddie had become interested in bowhunting and had spent considerable

moneyinpurchasingequipmentandsuppliesfromalocalbowstore.Whenhisbrotherwasvisitinghimhewanted to rentabowforhimfromthisstore.Thesalesclerktoldhimtheydidn’trentbows,soEddiephonedanotherbowstore.Eddiedescribedwhathappened:

‘A very pleasant gentleman answered the phone. His response to myquestionforarentalwascompletelydifferent fromtheotherplace.Hesaidhewassorrybuttheynolongerrentedbowsbecausetheycouldn’taffordtodoso.HethenaskedmeifIhadrentedbefore.Ireplied,“Yes,severalyearsago.”HeremindedmethatIprobablypaid$25to$30for therental.Isaid“yes”again.HethenaskedifIwasthekindofpersonwholikedtosavemoney.Naturally,Ianswered “yes.” He went on to explain that they had bow sets with all thenecessary equipment on sale for $34.95. I could buy a complete set for only$4.95 more than I could rent one. He explained that is why they haddiscontinuedrentingthem.DidIthinkthatwasreasonable?My“yes”responseled toapurchaseof theset,andwhenIpicked itup Ipurchasedseveralmoreitemsatthisshopandhavesincebecomearegularcustomer.’

Socrates, ‘thegadflyofAthens,’wasoneof thegreatestphilosophers theworld has ever known. He did something that only a handful of men in allhistory have been able to do: he sharply changed thewhole course of humanthought;andnow,twenty-fourcenturiesafterhisdeath,heishonouredasoneofthewisestpersuaderswhoeverinfluencedthiswranglingworld.

Hismethod?Didhetellpeopletheywerewrong?Oh,no,notSocrates.Hewas far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the ‘Socraticmethod,’wasbasedupongettinga‘yes,yes’response.Heaskedquestionswithwhich his opponent would have to agree. He kept onwinning one admissionafteranotheruntilhehadanarmfulofyeses.Hekeptonaskingquestionsuntilfinally,almostwithoutrealisingit,hisopponentsfoundthemselvesembracingaconclusiontheywouldhavebitterlydeniedafewminutespreviously.

The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong, let’srememberoldSocratesandaskagentlequestion–aquestion thatwillget the‘yes,yes’response.

The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of theOrient:‘Hewhotreadssoftlygoesfar.’

Theyhavespentfivethousandyearsstudyinghumannature,thoseculturedChinese,andtheyhavegarneredalotofperspicacity:‘Hewhotreadssoftlygoesfar.’

PRINCIPLE5

Gettheotherpersonsaying‘yes,yes’immediately.

1.HarryA.Overstreet,InfluencingHumanBehavior(NewYork:Norton,1925).

MOSTPEOPLETRYINGtowinotherstotheirwayofthinkingdotoomuchtalkingthemselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They knowmore abouttheirbusinessandproblems thanyoudo.Soask themquestions.Let themtellyouafewthings.

Ifyoudisagreewiththemyoumaybetemptedtointerrupt.Butdon’t.Itisdangerous.Theywon’tpayattentiontoyouwhiletheystillhavealotofideasoftheirowncryingforexpression.Solistenpatientlyandwithanopenmind.Besincereaboutit.Encouragethemtoexpresstheirideasfully.

Does this policy pay in business? Let’s see. Here is the story of a salesrepresentativewhowasforcedtotryit.

One of the largest automobile manufacturers in the United States wasnegotiating for a year’s requirements of upholstery fabrics. Three importantmanufacturers had worked up fabrics in sample bodies. These had all beeninspectedbytheexecutivesofthemotorcompany,andnoticehadbeensenttoeach manufacturer saying that, on a certain day, a representative from eachsupplierwouldbegivenanopportunitytomakeafinalpleaforthecontract.

G.B.R.,arepresentativeofonemanufacturer,arrivedintownwithasevereattack of laryngitis. ‘When it came my turn to meet the executives inconference,’Mr.R–saidasherelatedthestorybeforeoneofmyclasses,‘Ihadlost my voice. I could hardly whisper. I was ushered into a room and foundmyselffacetofacewiththetextileengineer,thepurchasingagent,thedirectorofsalesandthepresidentofthecompany.Istoodupandmadeavalianteffort tospeak,butIcouldn’tdoanythingmorethansqueak.

‘They were all seated around a table, so I wrote on a pad of paper:“Gentlemen,Ihavelostmyvoice.Iamspeechless.”

‘“I’lldo the talkingforyou,” thepresidentsaid.Hedid.Heexhibitedmysamplesandpraisedtheirgoodpoints.Alivelydiscussionaroseaboutthemeritsofmygoods.Andthepresident,sincehewastalkingforme,tookthepositionIwouldhavehadduringthediscussion.Mysoleparticipationconsistedofsmiles,nodsandafewgestures.

‘Asa resultof thisuniqueconference, Iwasawarded thecontract,which

calledforoverhalfamillionyardsofupholsteryfabricsatanaggregatevalueof$1,600,000–thebiggestorderIhadeverreceived.

‘IknowIwouldhavelostthecontractifIhadn’tlostmyvoice,becauseIhadthewrongideaaboutthewholeproposition.Idiscovered,quitebyaccident,howrichlyitsometimespaystolettheotherpersondothetalking.’

Lettingtheotherpersondothetalkinghelpsinfamilysituationsaswellasin business. Barbara Wilson’s relationship with her daughter, Laurie, wasdeterioratingrapidly.Laurie,whohadbeenaquiet,complacentchild,hadgrownintoanuncooperative,sometimesbelligerentteenager.Mrs.Wilsonlecturedher,threatenedherandpunishedher,butalltonoavail.

‘Oneday,’Mrs.Wilsontoldoneofourclasses,‘Ijustgaveup.Lauriehaddisobeyed me and had left the house to visit her girl friend before she hadcompletedherchores.Whenshe returned Iwasabout to screamather for theten-thousandthtime,butIjustdidn’thavethestrengthtodoit.Ijustlookedatherandsaidsadly,“Why,Laurie,Why?”

‘Laurienotedmyconditionandinacalmvoiceasked,“Doyoureallywanttoknow?” InoddedandLaurie toldme, firsthesitantly, and then it all flowedout.Ihadneverlistenedtoher.Iwasalwaystellinghertodothisorthat.Whenshe wanted to tell me her thoughts, feelings, ideas, I interrupted with moreorders.Ibegantorealise thatsheneededme–notasabossymother,butasaconfidante,anoutletforallherconfusionaboutgrowingup.AndallIhadbeendoingwastalkingwhenIshouldhavebeenlistening.Ineverheardher.

‘FromthattimeonIletherdoallthetalkingshewanted.Shetellsmewhatisonhermind,andourrelationshiphasimprovedimmeasurably.Sheisagainacooperativeperson.’

A large advertisement appeared on the financial page of a New Yorknewspapercalling forapersonwithunusualabilityandexperience.CharlesT.Cubellisansweredtheadvertisement,sendinghisreplytoaboxnumber.Afewdayslater,hewasinvitedbylettertocallforaninterview.Beforehecalled,hespenthoursinWallStreetfindingouteverythingpossibleaboutthepersonwhohad founded the business. During the interview, he remarked: ‘I should bemightyproud tobeassociatedwithanorganisationwitha record likeyours. Iunderstandyoustarted twenty-eightyearsagowithnothingbutdeskroomandonestenographer.Isthattrue?’

Almosteverysuccessfulpersonlikestoreminisceabouthisearlystruggles.Thismanwasnoexception.Hetalkedforalongtimeabouthowhehadstartedwith $450 in cash and an original idea. He told how he had fought againstdiscouragement and battled against ridicule, working Sundays and holidays,twelvetosixteenhoursaday;howhehadfinallywonagainstalloddsuntilnow

the most important executives on Wall Street were coming to him forinformationandguidance.Hewasproudofsucharecord.Hehadarighttobe,andhehadasplendidtimetellingaboutit.Finally,hequestionedMr.Cubellisbrieflyabouthisexperience,thencalledinoneofhisvicepresidentsandsaid:‘Ithinkthisisthepersonwearelookingfor.’

Mr.Cubellishadtakenthetroubletofindoutabouttheaccomplishmentsofhis prospective employer. He showed an interest in the other person and hisproblems.Heencouragedtheotherpersontodomostofthetalking–andmadeafavourableimpression.

RoyG.BradleyofSacramento,California, had theopposite problem.Helistened as a good prospect for a sales position talked himself into a jobwithBradley’sfirm.Royreported:

‘Being a small brokerage firm, we had no fringe benefits, such ashospitalisation, medical insurance and pensions. Every representative is anindependent agent. We don’t even provide leads for prospects, as we cannotadvertiseforthemasourlargercompetitorsdo.

‘RichardPryorhadthetypeofexperiencewewantedforthisposition,andhewas interviewed firstbymyassistant,who toldhimaboutall thenegativesrelatedtothisjob.Heseemedslightlydiscouragedwhenhecameintomyoffice.Imentionedtheonebenefitofbeingassociatedwithmyfirm, thatofbeinganindependentcontractorandthereforevirtuallybeingself-employed.

‘Ashetalkedabouttheseadvantagestome,hetalkedhimselfoutofeachnegative thought he had when he came in for the interview. Several times itseemedasthoughhewashalftalkingtohimselfashewasthinkingthrougheachthought.AttimesIwastemptedtoaddtohisthoughts;however,astheinterviewcametoacloseI felthehadconvincedhimselfverymuchonhisownthathewouldliketoworkformyfirm.

‘BecauseIhadbeenagoodlistenerandletDickdomostofthetalking,hewas able to weigh both sides fairly in his mind, and he came to the positiveconclusion,whichwasachallengehecreatedforhimself.Wehiredhimandhehasbeenanoutstandingrepresentativeforourfirm.’

Even our friends wouldmuch rather talk to us about their achievementsthanlistentousboastaboutours.

La Rochefoucauld, the French philosopher, said: ‘If you want enemies,excelyourfriends;butifyouwantfriends,letyourfriendsexcelyou.’

Whyis that true?Becausewhenourfriendsexcelus, theyfeel important;butwhenweexcelthem,they–oratleastsomeofthem–willfeelinferiorandenvious.

By far the best-liked placement counsellor in the Midtown Personnel

AgencyinNewYorkCitywasHenriettaG– .Ithadn’talwaysbeenthatway.Duringthefirstfewmonthsofherassociationwiththeagency,Henriettadidn’thaveasinglefriendamonghercolleagues.Why?Becauseeverydayshewouldbragabouttheplacementsshehadmade,thenewaccountsshehadopened,andanythingelseshehadaccomplished.

‘Iwasgoodatmyworkandproudofit,’Henriettatoldoneofourclasses.‘Butinsteadofmycolleaguessharingmytriumphs,theyseemedtoresentthem.Iwanted to be liked by these people. I reallywanted them to bemy friends.After listeningtosomeof thesuggestionsmadein thiscourse,Istartedto talkaboutmyselflessandlistenmoretomyassociates.Theyalsohadthingstoboastaboutandweremoreexcitedabouttellingmeabouttheiraccomplishmentsthanabout listening tomy boasting.Now,whenwe have some time to chat, I askthem to share their joyswithme, and I onlymentionmy achievementswhentheyask.’

PRINCIPLE6

Lettheotherpersondoagreatdealofthetalking.

DON’TYOUHAVEmuchmorefaithinideasthatyoudiscoverforyourselfthaninideasthatarehandedtoyouonasilverplatter?Ifso,isn’titbadjudgementtotrytoramyouropinionsdownthethroatsofotherpeople?Isn’titwisertomakesuggestions–andlettheotherpersonthinkouttheconclusion?

Adolph Seltz of Philadelphia, salesmanager in an automobile showroomandastudentinoneofmycourses,suddenlyfoundhimselfconfrontedwiththenecessityof injectingenthusiasmintoadiscouragedanddisorganisedgroupofautomobilesalespeople.Callingasalesmeeting,heurgedhispeopletotellhimexactlywhattheyexpectedfromhim.Astheytalked,hewrotetheirideasontheblackboard.Hethensaid:‘I’llgiveyouallthesequalitiesyouexpectfromme.NowIwantyoutotellmewhatIhavearighttoexpectfromyou.’Therepliescame quick and fast: loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, teamwork, eighthoursadayofenthusiasticwork.Themeetingendedwithanewcourage,anewinspiration–onesalespersonvolunteeredtoworkfourteenhoursaday–andMr.Seltzreportedtomethattheincreaseofsaleswasphenomenal.

‘Thepeoplehadmadeasortofmoralbargainwithme,’saidMr.Seltz,‘andaslongasIliveduptomypartinit,theyweredeterminedtoliveuptotheirs.Consultingthemabouttheirwishesanddesireswasjusttheshotinthearmtheyneeded.’

Noonelikestofeelthatheorsheisbeingsoldsomethingortoldtodoathing.Wemuchprefertofeelthatwearebuyingofourownaccordoractingonour own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, ourthoughts.

TakethecaseofEugeneWesson.Helostcountlessthousandsofdollarsincommissionsbeforehelearnedthistruth.Mr.Wessonsoldsketchesforastudiothatcreateddesignsforstylistsandtextilemanufacturers.Mr.Wessonhadcalledononeof the leading stylists inNewYorkonceaweek, everyweek for threeyears.‘Heneverrefusedtoseeme,’saidMr.Wesson,‘butheneverbought.Healways lookedovermy sketches very carefully and then said: “No,Wesson, Iguesswedon’tgettogethertoday.”’

After 150 failures, Wesson realised he must be in a mental rut, so heresolved to devote one evening a week to the study of influencing human

behaviour,tohelphimdevelopnewideasandgeneratenewenthusiasm.He decided on this new approach. With half a dozen unfinished artists’

sketchesunderhisarm,herushedovertothebuyer’soffice.‘Iwantyoutodomea little favour, if youwill,’ he said. ‘Here are someuncompleted sketches.Won’tyoupleasetellmehowwecouldfinishthemupinsuchawaythatyoucouldusethem?’

The buyer looked at the sketches for a while without uttering a word.Finallyhe said: ‘Leave thesewithme for a fewdays,Wesson, and thencomebackandseeme.’

Wesson returned three days later, got his suggestions, took the sketchesback to the studio and had them finished according to the buyer’s ideas. Theresult?Allaccepted.

After that, this buyer ordered scores of other sketches fromWesson, alldrawnaccordingtothebuyer’sideas.‘IrealisedwhyIhadfailedforyearstosellhim,’saidMr.Wesson.‘IhadurgedhimtobuywhatIthoughtheoughttohave.ThenIchangedmyapproachcompletely.Iurgedhimtogivemehisideas.Thismadehimfeelthathewascreatingthedesigns.Andhewas.Ididn’thavetosellhim.Hebought.’

Lettingtheotherpersonfeel that the ideaishisorhersnotonlyworks inbusiness and politics, itworks in family life aswell. PaulM.Davis ofTulsa,Oklahoma,toldhisclasshowheappliedthisprinciple:

‘MyfamilyandIenjoyedoneofthemostinterestingsightseeingvacationtripswehaveevertaken.IhadlongdreamedofvisitingsuchhistoricsitesastheCivilWarbattlefieldinGettysburg,IndependenceHallinPhiladelphia,andournation’s capital. Valley Forge, Jamestown and the restored colonial village ofWilliamsburgwerehighonthelistofthingsIwantedtosee.

‘InMarchmywife,Nancy,mentioned that shehad ideas forour summervacationwhichincludedatourofthewesternstates,visitingpointsofinterestinNewMexico,Arizona,CaliforniaandNevada.Shehadwantedtomakethistripforseveralyears.Butwecouldn’tobviouslymakebothtrips.

‘Ourdaughter,Anne,hadjustcompletedacourseinU.S.historyinjuniorhigh school andhadbecomevery interested in the events that had shapedourcountry’s growth. I asked her how she would like to visit the places she hadlearnedaboutonournextvacation.Shesaidshewouldloveto.

‘Two evenings later aswe sat around the dinner table,Nancy announcedthatifweallagreed,thesummer’svacationwouldbetotheeasternstates,thatitwouldbeagreattripforAnneandthrillingforallofus.Weallconcurred.’

This same psychology was used by an X-ray manufacturer to sell hisequipmenttooneofthelargesthospitalsinBrooklyn.Thishospitalwasbuilding

an addition and preparing to equip it with the finest X-ray department inAmerica. Dr. L – , who was in charge of the X-ray department, wasoverwhelmed with sales representatives, each caroling the praises of his owncompany’sequipment.

One manufacturer, however, was more skilful. He knew far more abouthandlinghumannaturethantheothersdid.Hewrotealettersomethinglikethis:

OurfactoryhasrecentlycompletedanewlineofX-rayequipment.Thefirstshipmentofthesemachineshasjustarrivedatouroffice.They are not perfect. We know that, and we want to improvethem. Sowe should be deeply obligated to you if you could findtimetolookthemoverandgiveusyourideasabouthowtheycanbe made more serviceable to your profession. Knowing howoccupied you are, I shall be glad to sendmy car for you at anyhouryouspecify.

‘Iwassurprisedtogetthatletter,’Dr.L–saidasherelatedtheincidentbeforethe class. ‘I was both surprised and complimented. I had never had anX-raymanufacturerseekingmyadvicebefore.Itmademefeelimportant.Iwasbusyeverynightthatweek,butIcancelledadinnerappointmentinordertolookoverthe equipment. The more I studied it, the more I discovered for myself howmuchIlikedit.

‘Nobody had tried to sell it to me. I felt that the idea of buying thatequipment for thehospitalwasmyown. I soldmyselfon its superiorqualitiesandordereditinstalled.’

RalphWaldoEmersoninhisessay‘Self-Reliance’stated:‘Ineveryworkofgeniuswe recognise our own rejected thoughts; they come back to uswith acertainalienatedmajesty.’

ColonelEdwardM.HousewieldedanenormousinfluenceinnationalandinternationalaffairswhileWoodrowWilsonoccupiedtheWhiteHouse.WilsonleaneduponColonelHouseforsecretcounselandadvicemorethanhediduponevenmembersofhisowncabinet.

WhatmethoddidtheColoneluseininfluencingthePresident?Fortunately,weknow,forHousehimselfrevealedittoArthurD.HowdenSmith,andSmithquotedHouseinanarticleinTheSaturdayEveningPost.

‘“AfterIgottoknowthePresident,”Housesaid,“Ilearnedthebestwaytoconverthimtoanideawastoplantitinhismindcasually,butsoastointeresthiminit–soastogethimthinkingaboutitonhisownaccount.Thefirsttimethisworkeditwasanaccident.IhadbeenvisitinghimattheWhiteHouseand

urgedapolicyonhimwhichheappearedtodisapprove.Butseveraldayslater,atthedinnertable,Iwasamazedtohearhimtrotoutmysuggestionashisown.”’

DidHouseinterrupthimandsay,‘That’snotyouridea.That’smine’?Oh,no. Not House. He was too adroit for that. He didn’t care about credit. Hewantedresults.SoheletWilsoncontinuetofeelthattheideawashis.Housedidevenmorethanthat.HegaveWilsonpubliccreditfortheseideas.

Let’srememberthateveryonewecomeincontactwithisjustashumanasWoodrowWilson.Solet’suseColonelHouse’stechnique.

AmanupinthebeautifulCanadianprovinceofNewBrunswickusedthistechniqueonmeandwonmypatronage.Iwasplanningatthetimetodosomefishing and canoeing in New Brunswick. So I wrote the tourist bureau forinformation.Evidentlymynameandaddresswereputonamailinglist,forIwasimmediately overwhelmed with scores of letters and booklets and printedtestimonialsfromcampsandguides.Iwasbewildered.Ididn’tknowwhichtochoose. Then one camp owner did a clever thing.He sentme the names andtelephonenumbersofseveralNewYorkpeoplewhohadstayedathiscampandheinvitedmetotelephonethemanddiscoverformyselfwhathehadtooffer.

IfoundtomysurprisethatIknewoneofthemenonhislist.Itelephonedhim,foundoutwhathisexperiencehadbeen,andthenwiredthecampthedateofmyarrival.

Theothershadbeentryingtosellmeontheirservice,butoneletmesellmyself.Thatorganisationwon.

Twenty-five centuries ago,Lao-tse, aChinese sage, said some things thatreadersofthisbookmightusetoday:

‘Thereasonwhyriversandseasreceivethehomageofahundredmountainstreams is that theykeepbelow them.Thus theyare able to reignover all themountainstreams.Sothesage,wishingtobeabovemen,puttethhimselfbelowthem;wishingtobebeforethem,heputtethhimselfbehindthem.Thus,thoughhisplacebeabovemen,theydonotfeelhisweight;thoughhisplacebebeforethem,theydonotcountitaninjury.’

PRINCIPLE7Lettheotherpersonfeelthattheideaishisorhers.

REMEMBERTHATOTHERpeoplemaybe totallywrong.But theydon’t thinkso.Don’tcondemnthem.Anyfoolcandothat.Trytounderstandthem.Onlywise,tolerant,exceptionalpeopleeventrytodothat.

Thereisareasonwhytheothermanthinksandactsashedoes.Ferretoutthatreason–andyouhavethekeytohisactions,perhapstohispersonality.

Tryhonestlytoputyourselfinhisplace.Ifyousaytoyourself,‘HowwouldIfeel,howwouldIreactifIwereinhis

shoes?’youwillsaveyourselftimeandirritation,for‘bybecominginterestedinthe cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.’ And, in addition, you willsharplyincreaseyourskillinhumanrelationships.

‘Stopaminute,’saysKennethM.GoodeinhisbookHowtoTurnPeopleIntoGold,‘stopaminutetocontrastyourkeeninterestinyourownaffairswithyourmildconcernaboutanythingelse.Realisethen,thateverybodyelseintheworldfeelsexactlythesameway!Then,alongwithLincolnandRoosevelt,youwill have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships;namely, thatsuccess indealingwithpeopledependsonasympatheticgraspoftheotherperson’sviewpoint.’

SamDouglasofHempstead,NewYork,usedtotellhiswifethatshespenttoomuchtimeworkingontheirlawn,pullingweeds,fertilising,cuttingthegrasstwiceaweekwhenthelawndidn’tlookanybetterthanithadwhentheymovedintotheirhomefouryearsearlier.Naturally,shewasdistressedbyhisremarks,andeachtimehemadesuchremarksthebalanceoftheeveningwasruined.

Aftertakingourcourse,Mr.Douglasrealisedhowfoolishhehadbeenallthoseyears.Itneveroccurredtohimthatsheenjoyeddoingthatworkandshemightreallyappreciateacomplimentonherdiligence.

Oneeveningafterdinner,hiswifesaidshewantedtopullsomeweedsandinvitedhimtokeephercompany.Hefirstdeclined,butthenthoughtbetterofitandwentoutafterherandbegantohelpherpullweeds.Shewasvisiblypleased,andtogethertheyspentanhourinhardworkandpleasantconversation.

Afterthatheoftenhelpedherwiththegardeningandcomplimentedheronhowfinethelawnlooked,whatafantasticjobshewasdoingwithayardwhere

thesoilwaslikeconcrete.Result:ahappierlifeforbothbecausehehadlearnedtolookatthingsfromherpointofview–evenifthesubjectwasonlyweeds.

In his book Getting Through to People, Dr. Gerald S. Nirenbergcommented: ‘Cooperativeness inconversation isachievedwhenyoushow thatyou consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.Startingyourconversationbygivingtheotherpersonthepurposeordirectionofyourconversation,governingwhatyousaybywhatyouwouldwant tohear ifyou were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage thelistenertohaveanopenmindtoyourideas.’1

Ihavealwaysenjoyedwalkingandridinginaparknearmyhome.LiketheDruidsofancientGaul,Iallbutworshipanoaktree,soIwasdistressedseasonafterseasontoseetheyoungtreesandshrubskilledoffbyneedlessfires.Thesefires weren’t caused by careless smokers. They were almost all caused byyoungsterswhowentout to thepark togonativeandcooka frankfurteroranegg under the trees. Sometimes, these fires raged so fiercely that the firedepartmenthadtobecalledouttofighttheconflagration.

Therewasasignontheedgeoftheparksayingthatanyonewhostartedafirewasliabletofineandimprisonment,but thesignstoodinanunfrequentedpartofthepark,andfewoftheculpritseversawit.Amountedpolicemanwassupposedtolookafter thepark;buthedidn’t takehisdutiestooseriously,andthefirescontinuedtospreadseasonafterseason.Ononeoccasion,Irusheduptoa policeman and told him about a fire spreading rapidly through the park andwantedhimtonotifythefiredepartment,andhenonchalantlyrepliedthatitwasnoneofhisbusinessbecauseitwasn’tinhisprecinct!Iwasdesperate,soafterthatwhenIwentriding,Iactedasaself-appointedcommitteeofonetoprotectthepublicdomain.Inthebeginning,IamafraidIdidn’tevenattempttoseetheotherpeople’spointofview.WhenIsawafireblazingunderthetrees,Iwassounhappy about it, so eager to do the right thing, that I did thewrong thing. Iwouldrideuptotheboys,warnthemthattheycouldbejailedforstartingafire,orderwith a tone of authority that it be put out; and, if they refused, Iwouldthreaten to have them arrested. I was merely unloading my feelings withoutthinkingoftheirpointofview.

The result? They obeyed – obeyed sullenly andwith resentment. After Irodeonover the hill, theyprobably rebuilt the fire and longed to burnup thewholepark.

Withthepassingoftheyears,Iacquiredatriflemoreknowledgeofhumanrelations,alittlemoretact,asomewhatgreatertendencytoseethingsfromtheotherperson’s standpoint.Then, insteadofgivingorders, Iwould rideup to ablazingfireandbeginsomethinglikethis:

‘Havingagoodtime,boys?Whatareyougoingtocookforsupper?...IlovedtobuildfiresmyselfwhenIwasaboy–andIstillloveto.Butyouknowthey are dangerous here in the park. I know you boys don’t mean to do anyharm,butotherboysaren’tsocareful.Theycomealongandseethatyouhavebuilt a fire; so they build one and don’t put it outwhen they go home and itspreadsamongthedryleavesandkillsthetrees.Wewon’thaveanytreeshereatallifwearen’tmorecareful.Youcouldbeputinjailforbuildingthisfire.ButIdon’twanttobebossyandinterferewithyourpleasure.Iliketoseeyouenjoyyourselves;butwon’tyoupleaserakealltheleavesawayfromthefirerightnow–andyou’llbecarefultocoveritwithdirt,alotofdirt,beforeyouleave,won’tyou?Andthenexttimeyouwanttohavesomefun,won’tyoupleasebuildyourfireoverthehillthereinthesandpit?Itcan’tdoanyharmthere...Thankssomuchboys.Haveagoodtime.’

What a difference that kind of talk made! It made the boys want tocooperate. No sullenness, no resentment. They hadn’t been forced to obeyorders.Theyhadsavedtheirfaces.TheyfeltbetterandIfeltbetterbecauseIhadhandledthesituationwithconsiderationfortheirpointofview.

Seeing things through another person’s eyes may ease tensions whenpersonal problems become overwhelming. Elizabeth Novak of New SouthWales,Australia,was sixweeks latewith her car payment. ‘On aFriday,’ shereported, ‘I received a nasty phone call from the man who was handlingmyaccountinformingmethatifIdidnotcomeupwith$122byMondaymorningIcould anticipate further action from the company. I had noway of raising themoney over the weekend, so when I received his phone call first thing onMondaymorning I expected theworst. Insteadofbecomingupset, I lookedatthesituationfromhispointofview.Iapologisedmostsincerelyforcausinghimso much inconvenience and remarked that I must be his most troublesomecustomerasthiswasnotthefirsttimeIwasbehindinmypayments.Histoneofvoicechangedimmediately,andhereassuredmethatIwasfarfrombeingoneofhisreallytroublesomecustomers.Hewentontotellmeseveralexamplesofhowrude his customers sometimes were, how they lied to him and often tried toavoid talking to him at all. I said nothing. I listened and let him pour out histroublestome.Then,withoutanysuggestionfromme,hesaiditdidnotmatterif Icouldn’tpayall themoneyimmediately.Itwouldbeall right if Ipaidhim$20 by the end of the month and made up the balance whenever it wasconvenientformetodoso.’

Tomorrow,before askinganyone toputout a fireorbuyyourproductorcontributetoyourfavouritecharity,whynotpauseandcloseyoureyesandtrytothink the whole thing through from another person’s point of view.? Ask

yourself:‘Whyshouldheorshewanttodoit?’True,thiswilltaketime,butitwillavoidmakingenemiesandwillgetbetterresults–andwithlessfrictionandlessshoeleather.

‘Iwouldratherwalkthesidewalkinfrontofaperson’sofficefortwohoursbeforean interview,’ saidDeanDonhamof theHarvardbusiness school, ‘thanstepintothatofficewithoutaperfectlyclearideaofwhatIwasgoingtosayandwhatthatperson–frommyknowledgeofhisorherinterestsandmotives–waslikelytoanswer.’

That is so important that I amgoing to repeat it in italics for the sakeofemphasis.

Iwouldratherwalkthesidewalkinfrontofaperson’sofficefortwohours

before an interview than step into that officewithout a perfectly clear idea ofwhatIwasgoingtosayandwhatthatperson–frommyknowledgeofhisorherinterestsandmotives–waslikelytoanswer.

If,asa resultof reading thisbook,yougetonlyone thing–an increasedtendency to thinkalways in termsof theotherperson’spointofview,and seethingsfromthatperson’sangle,aswellasyourown–ifyougetonlyonethingfrom this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping-stones of yourcareer.

PRINCIPLE8Tryhonestlytoseethingsfromtheotherperson’spointofview.

1.Dr.GeraldS.Nirenberg,GettingThroughtoPeople(EnglewoodCliffs,N.J.Prentice-Hall,1963),p.31.

WOULDN’T YOU LIKE to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments,eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listenattentively?

Yes?Allright.Hereitis:‘Idon’tblameyouoneiotaforfeelingasyoudo.IfIwereyouIwouldundoubtedlyfeeljustasyoudo.’

Ananswerlike thatwillsoftenthemostcantankerousoldcussalive.Andyou can say that and be 100 percent sincere, because if you were the otherpersonyou,ofcourse,wouldfeeljustashedoes.TakeAlCapone,forexample.Suppose you had inherited the same body and temperament andmind thatAlCaponehad.Supposeyouhadhisenvironmentandexperiences.Youwouldthenbepreciselywhathewas–andwherehewas.Foritisthosethings–andonlythose things– thatmadehimwhathewas.Theonly reason, forexample, thatyouarenotarattlesnakeisthatyourmotherandfatherweren’trattlesnakes.

Youdeserveverylittlecreditforbeingwhatyouare–andremember, thepeople who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very littlediscredit for being what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them.Sympathisewiththem.Saytoyourself:‘There,butforthegraceofGod,goI.’

Three-fourthsofthepeopleyouwillevermeetarehungeringandthirstingforsympathy.Giveittothem,andtheywillloveyou.

I once gave a broadcast about the author of Little Women, Louisa MayAlcott. Naturally, I knew she had lived and written her immortal books inConcord,Massachusetts. But, without thinkingwhat I was saying, I spoke ofvisitingheroldhomeinConcord,NewHampshire.IfIhadsaidNewHampshireonlyonce,itmighthavebeenforgiven.But,alasandalack!Isaidittwice.Iwasdelugedwith letters and telegrams, stingingmessages that swirled aroundmydefencelessheadlikeaswarmofhornets.Manywereindignant.Afewinsulting.OneColonialDame,whohadbeenrearedinConcord,Massachusetts,andwhowas then living in Philadelphia, vented her scorching wrath upon me. Shecouldn’t have beenmuchmore bitter if I had accusedMissAlcott of being acannibalfromNewGuinea.AsIreadtheletter,Isaidtomyself,‘ThankGod,Iamnotmarriedtothatwoman.’IfeltlikewritingandtellingherthatalthoughIhadmadeamistakeingeography,shehadmadeafargreatermistakeincommon

courtesy.Thatwastobejustmyopeningsentence.ThenIwasgoingtorollupmysleevesandtellherwhatIreallythought.ButIdidn’t.Icontrolledmyself.Irealised that anyhotheaded fool coulddo that–and thatmost foolswoulddojustthat.

Iwanted to be above fools. So I resolved to try to turn her hostility intofriendliness. It would be a challenge, a sort of game I could play. I said tomyself, ‘After all, if Iwere she, Iwouldprobably feel just as shedoes.’So, Idetermined to sympathise with her viewpoint. The next time I was inPhiladelphia, I called her on the telephone. The conversationwent somethinglikethis:

So,becauseIhadapologisedandsympathisedwithherpointofview,shebegan

apologising and sympathisingwithmy point of view. I had the satisfaction ofcontrollingmytemper,thesatisfactionofreturningkindnessforaninsult.IgotinfinitelymorefunoutofmakingherlikemethanIcouldeverhavegottenoutoftellinghertogoandtakeajumpintheShuylkillRiver.

EverymanwhooccupiestheWhiteHouseisfacedalmostdailywiththornyproblems in human relations. PresidentTaftwas no exception, and he learnedfrom experience the enormous chemical value of sympathy in neutralising theacidofhardfeelings.InhisbookEthicsinService,Taftgivesratheranamusingillustrationofhowhesoftenedtheireofadisappointedandambitiousmother.

‘A lady in Washington,’ wrote Taft, ‘whose husband had some politicalinfluence,cameandlabouredwithmeforsixweeksormoretoappointhersonto aposition.She secured the aidofSenators andCongressmen in formidablenumberandcamewiththemtoseethattheyspokewithemphasis.Theplacewasonerequiring technicalqualification,andfollowing therecommendationof theheadoftheBureau,Iappointedsomebodyelse.Ithenreceivedaletterfromthemother,sayingthatIwasmostungrateful,sinceIdeclinedtomakeherahappywomanasIcouldhavedonebyaturnofmyhand.Shecomplainedfurtherthatshe had laboured with her state delegation and got all the votes for anadministrationbill inwhich Iwasespecially interestedand thiswas theway Ihadrewardedher.

‘Whenyougetaletterlikethat,thefirstthingyoudoistothinkhowyoucanbeseverewithapersonwhohascommittedanimpropriety,orevenbeenalittleimpertinent.Thenyoumaycomposeananswer.Thenifyouarewise,youwillput theletter inadrawerandlockthedrawer.Takeitout in thecourseoftwodays–suchcommunicationswillalwaysbeartwodays’delayinanswering–andwhenyoutakeitoutafterthatinterval,youwillnotsendit.Thatisjustthecourse I took.After that, I sat down andwrote her just as polite a letter as Icould,tellingherIrealisedamother’sdisappointmentundersuchcircumstances,butthatreallytheappointmentwasnotlefttomymerepersonalpreference,thatIhadtoselectamanwithtechnicalqualifications,andhad,therefore,tofollowthe recommendationsof theheadof theBureau. I expressed thehope thatherson would go on to accomplish what she had hoped for him in the positionwhichhethenhad.Thatmollifiedherandshewrotemeanotesayingshewassorryshehadwrittenasshehad.

‘But the appointment I sent in was not confirmed at once, and after anintervalIreceivedaletterwhichpurportedtocomefromherhusband,thoughitwasinthesamehandwritingasalltheothers.Iwasthereinadvisedthat,duetothe nervous prostration that had followed her disappointment in this case, shehad to take toherbedandhaddevelopedamostseriouscaseofcancerof the

stomach.Would I not restore her to health bywithdrawing the first name andreplacingitbyherson’s?Ihadtowriteanotherletter,thisonetothehusband,tosaythatIhopedthediagnosiswouldprovetobeinaccurate,thatIsympathisedwithhiminthesorrowhemusthaveintheseriousillnessofhiswife,butthatitwasimpossibletowithdrawthenamesent in.ThemanwhomIappointedwasconfirmed,andwithintwodaysafterIreceivedthatletter,wegaveamusicaleatthe White House. The first two people to greet Mrs. Taft and me were thishusbandandwife,thoughthewifehadsorecentlybeeninarticulomortis.’

Jay Mangum represented an elevator-escalator maintenance company inTulsa,Oklahoma,whichhadthemaintenancecontractfortheescalatorsinoneof Tulsa’s leading hotels. The hotel manager did not want to shut down theescalator for more than two hours at a time because he did not want toinconveniencethehotel’sguests.Therepair thathadtobemadewouldtakeatleast eight hours, and his company did not always have a specially qualifiedmechanicavailableattheconvenienceofthehotel.

WhenMr.Mangumwasabletoscheduleatop-flightmechanicforthisjob,hetelephonedthehotelmanagerandinsteadofarguingwithhimtogivehimthenecessarytimehesaid:

‘Rick, I know your hotel is quite busy and you would like to keep theescalator shutdown time to aminimum. I understand your concern about this,and we want to do everything possible to accommodate you. However, ourdiagnosisofthesituationshowsthatifwedonotdoacompletejobnow,yourescalatormaysuffermoreseriousdamageandthatwouldcauseamuchlongershutdown.Iknowyouwouldnotwanttoinconvenienceyourguestsforseveraldays.’

Themanagerhadtoagreethataneight-hourshutdownwasmoredesirablethan several days’. By sympathising with the manager’s desire to keep hispatrons happy,Mr.Mangumwas able towin the hotelmanager to hiswayofthinkingeasilyandwithoutrancour.

JoyceNorris, apiano teacher inSt.Louis,Missouri, toldofhowshehadhandled a problem piano teachers often have with teenage girls. Babette hadexceptionallylongfingernails.

This isa serioushandicap toanyonewhowants todevelopproperpiano-playinghabits.

MrsNorrisreported:‘Iknewherlongfingernailswouldbeabarrierforherinherdesiretoplaywell.Duringourdiscussionpriortoherstartingherlessonswith me, I did not mention anything to her about her nails. I didn’t want todiscourageherfromtakinglessons,andIalsoknewshewouldnotwanttolosethatwhichshetooksomuchprideinandsuchgreatcaretomakeattractive.

‘Afterherfirstlesson,whenIfeltthetimewasright,Isaid:“Babette,youhaveattractivehandsandbeautifulfingernails.Ifyouwanttoplaythepianoaswell as you are capable of and as well as you would like to, you would besurprisedhowmuchquickerandeasier itwouldbeforyou, ifyouwould trimyour nails shorter. Just think about it, okay?” She made a face which wasdefinitely negative. I also talked to her mother about this situation, againmentioninghowlovelyhernailswere.Anothernegativereaction.ItwasobviousthatBabette’sbeautifullymanicurednailswereimportanttoher.

‘ThefollowingweekBabette returnedforhersecond lesson.Much tomysurprise,thefingernailshadbeentrimmed.Icomplimentedherandpraisedherformakingsuchasacrifice.IalsothankedhermotherforinfluencingBabettetocuthernails.Herreplywas“Oh,Ihadnothingtodowithit.Babettedecidedtodo it onher own, and this is the first time shehas ever trimmedher nails foranyone.”’

DidMrsNorristhreatenBabette?Didshesayshewouldrefusetoteachastudentwith long fingernails?No, she did not. She let Babette know that herfingernailswerea thingofbeautyand itwouldbeasacrifice tocut them.Sheimplied,‘Isympathisewithyou–Iknowitwon’tbeeasy,butitwillpayoffinyourbettermusicaldevelopment.’

SolHurokwasprobablyAmerica’snumberoneimpresario.Foralmosthalfa century he handled artists – suchworld-famous artists asChaliapin, IsadoraDuncan, and Pavlova.Mr.Hurok toldme that one of the first lessons he hadlearnedindealingwithhistemperamentalstarswasthenecessityforsympathy,sympathyandmoresympathywiththeiridiosyncrasies.

For three years, he was impresario for Feodor Chaliapin – one of thegreatest bassoswho ever thrilled the ritzy boxholders at theMetropolitan.YetChaliapinwasaconstantproblem.Hecarriedonlikeaspoiledchild.ToputitinMr.Hurok’sowninimitablephrase:‘Hewasahellofafellowineveryway.’

Forexample,ChaliapinwouldcallupMr.Hurokaboutnoonofthedayhewasgoingtosingandsay,‘Sol,Ifeelterrible.Mythroatislikerawhamburger.Itisimpossibleformetosingtonight.’DidMr.Hurokarguewithhim?Oh,no.Heknewthatanentrepreneurcouldn’thandleartiststhatway.Sohewouldrushover to Chaliapin’s hotel, dripping with sympathy. ‘What a pity,’ he wouldmourn.‘Whatapity!Mypoorfellow.Ofcourse,youcannotsing.Iwillcanceltheengagementatonce.Itwillonlycostyouacoupleofthousanddollars,butthatisnothingincomparisontoyourreputation.’

ThenChaliapinwouldsighandsay,‘Perhapsyouhadbettercomeoverlaterintheday.ComeatfiveandseehowIfeelthen.’

At five o’clock,Mr. Hurokwould again rush to his hotel, dripping with

sympathy. Again he would insist on cancelling the engagement and againChaliapinwouldsighandsay,‘Well,maybeyouhadbettercometoseemelater.Imaybebetterthen.’

At seven-thirty the great basso would consent to sing, only with theunderstandingthatMr.HurokwouldwalkoutonthestageoftheMetropolitanandannouncethatChaliapinhadaverybadcoldandwasnotingoodvoice.Mr.Hurokwouldlieandsayhewoulddoit,forheknewthatwastheonlywaytogetthebassooutonthestage.

Dr. Arthur I. Gates said in his splendid book Educational Psychology:‘Sympathythehumanspeciesuniversallycraves.Thechildeagerlydisplayshisinjury;oreven inflictsacutorbruise inorder toreapabundantsympathy.Forthe same purpose adults . . . show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness,especially details of surgical operations. “Self-pity” for misfortunes real orimaginaryis,insomemeasure,practicallyauniversalpractice.’

So,ifyouwanttowinpeopletoyourwayofthinking,putinpractice...

PRINCIPLE9Besympatheticwiththeotherperson’sideasanddesires.

I WAS REARED on the edge of the Jesse James country out inMissouri, and IvisitedtheJamesfarmatKearney,Missouri,wherethesonofJesseJameswasthenliving.

HiswifetoldmestoriesofhowJesserobbedtrainsandheldupbanksandthengavemoneytotheneighbouringfarmerstopayofftheirmortgages.

JesseJamesprobablyregardedhimselfasanidealistatheart,justasDutchSchultz, ‘Two Gun’ Crowley, Al Capone and many other organised crime‘godfathers’ did generations later. The fact is that all people youmeet have ahigh regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their ownestimation.

J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that apersonusuallyhastworeasonsfordoingathing:onethatsoundsgoodandarealone.

The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need toemphasisethat.Butallofus,beingidealistsatheart,liketothinkofmotivesthatsoundgood.So,inordertochangepeople,appealtothenoblermotives.

Is that too idealistic towork inbusiness?Let’ssee.Let’s take thecaseofHamiltonJ.FarrelloftheFarrell-MitchellCompanyofGlenolden,Pennsylvania.Mr.Farrellhadadisgruntledtenantwhothreatenedtomove.Thetenant’sleasestillhadfourmonthstorun;nevertheless,heservednoticethathewasvacatingimmediately,regardlessoflease.

‘Thesepeoplehadlivedinmyhouseallwinter–themostexpensivepartoftheyear,’Mr.Farrellsaidashetoldthestorytotheclass,‘andIknewitwouldbe difficult to rent the apartment again before fall. I could see all that rentincomegoingoverthehillandbelieveme,Isawred.

‘Now,ordinarily, Iwouldhavewaded into that tenantandadvisedhim toreadhisleaseagain.Iwouldhavepointedoutthatifhemoved,thefullbalanceofhisrentwouldfalldueatonce–andthatIcould,andwouldmovetocollect.

‘However,insteadofflyingoffthehandleandmakingascene,Idecidedtotryothertactics.SoIstartedlikethis:“Mr.Doe,”Isaid,“Ihavelistenedtoyourstory,andIstilldon’tbelieveyouintendtomove.Yearsintherentingbusiness

have taughtmesomethingabouthumannature, and I sizedyouup in the firstplaceasbeingamanofyourword.Infact,I’msosureofitthatI’mwillingtotakeagamble.

‘“Now,here’smyproposition.Layyourdecisiononthetableforafewdaysand think it over. If you come back to me between now and the first of themonth,whenyourrentisdue,andtellmeyoustillintendtomove,IgiveyoumywordIwillacceptyourdecisionasfinal.IwillprivilegeyoutomoveandadmittomyselfI’vebeenwronginmyjudgement.ButIstillbelieveyou’reamanofyourwordandwill liveuptoyourcontract.Forafterall,weareeithermenormonkeys–andthechoiceusuallylieswithourselves!’

‘Well,when thenewmonthcamearound, thisgentlemancame to seemeandpaid his rent in person.He andhiswife had talked it over, he said – anddecidedtostay.Theyhadconcludedthattheonlyhonourablethingtodowastoliveuptotheirlease.’

When the lateLordNorthcliffe foundanewspaperusingapictureofhimwhich he didn’t want published, he wrote the editor a letter. But did he say,‘Please do not publish that picture of me any more; I don’t like it’? No, heappealed toanoblermotive.Heappealed to therespectand love thatallofushave formotherhood.Hewrote, ‘Pleasedonotpublish thatpictureofmeanymore.Mymotherdoesn’tlikeit.’

When John D. Rockefeller, Jr., wished to stop newspaper photographersfromsnappingpicturesofhischildren,hetooappealedtothenoblermotives.Hedidn’tsay:‘Idon’twanttheirpicturespublished.’No,heappealedtothedesire,deepinallofus,torefrainfromharmingchildren.Hesaid:‘Youknowhowitis,boys.You’vegotchildrenyourselves,someofyou.Andyouknowit’snotgoodforyoungsterstogettoomuchpublicity.’

When Cyrus H.K. Curtis, the poor boy fromMaine, was starting on hismeteoric career, which was destined to make him millions as owner of TheSaturdayEveningPostandtheLadies’HomeJournal,hecouldn’taffordtopayhiscontributorsthepricesthatothermagazinespaid.Hecouldn’taffordtohirefirst-class authors to write for money alone. So he appealed to their noblermotives. For example, he persuaded even Louisa May Alcott, the immortalauthorofLittleWomen, towrite forhimwhenshewasat theflood tideofherfame;andhediditbyofferingtosendachequeforahundreddollars,nottoher,buttoherfavouritecharity.

Rightherethescepticmaysay:‘Oh,thatstuffisallrightforNorthcliffeandRockefellerorasentimentalnovelist.But,I’dliketoseeyoumakeitworkwiththetoughbabiesIhavetocollectbillsfrom!’

Youmayberight.Nothingwillworkinallcases–andnothingwillwork

with all people. If you are satisfiedwith the results you are nowgetting,whychange?Ifyouarenotsatisfied,whynotexperiment?

Atanyrate,IthinkyouwillenjoyreadingthistruestorytoldbyJamesL.Thomas,aformerstudentofmine:

Sixcustomersofacertainautomobilecompanyrefusedtopaytheirbillsforservicing.Noneofthecustomersprotestedtheentirebill,buteachclaimedthatsomeonechargewaswrong.Ineachcase,thecustomerhadsignedfortheworkdone,sothecompanyknewitwasright–andsaidso.Thatwasthefirstmistake.

Here are the steps themen in the credit department took to collect theseoverduebills.Doyousupposetheysucceeded?

1Theycalledoneachcustomerandtoldhimbluntlythattheyhadcometocollectabillthatwaslongpastdue.2 They made it very plain that the company was absolutely andunconditionally right; therefore he, the customer, was absolutely andunconditionallywrong.3Theyintimatedthatthey,thecompany,knewmoreaboutautomobilesthanhecouldeverhopetoknow.Sowhatwastheargumentabout?4Result:Theyargued.

Didanyofthesemethodsreconcilethecustomerandsettletheaccount?Youcananswerthatoneyourself.

At this stage of affairs the creditmanagerwas about to open firewith abatteryof legal talent,whenfortunately themattercameto theattentionof thegeneral manager. The manager investigated these defaulting clients anddiscovered that they all had the reputation of paying their bills promptly.Somethingwasdrasticallywrongaboutthemethodofcollection.SohecalledinJamesL.Thomasandtoldhimtocollectthese‘uncollectible’accounts.

Here,inhisownwords,arethestepsMr.Thomastook:

1Myvisittoeachcustomerwaslikewisetocollectabilllongpastdue–abillthatweknewwasabsolutelyright.ButIdidn’tsayawordaboutthat.Iexplained I had called to findoutwhat itwas the companyhaddone, orfailedtodo.2 I made it clear that, until I had heard the customer’s story, I had noopiniontooffer.Itoldhimthecompanymadenoclaimstobeinginfallible.3ItoldhimIwasinterestedonlyinhiscar,andthatheknewmoreabouthis car than anyone else in the world; that he was the authority on thesubject.

4Ilethimtalk,andIlistenedtohimwithalltheinterestandsympathythathewanted–andhadexpected.5Finally,when the customerwas in a reasonablemood, I put thewholethinguptohissenseoffairplay.Iappealedtothenoblermotives.‘First,’Isaid, ‘I want you to know I also feel that this matter has been badlymishandled.You’vebeeninconveniencedandannoyedandirritatedbyoneofourrepresentatives.Thatshouldneverhavehappened.I’msorryand,asarepresentativeof thecompany,Iapologise.AsIsathereandlistenedtoyoursideofthestory,Icouldnothelpbeingimpressedbyyourfairnessandpatience.Andnow,becauseyouarefair-mindedandpatient,Iamgoingtoaskyoutodosomethingforme.It’ssomethingthatyoucandobetterthananyone else, something you know more about than anyone else. Here isyourbill;Iknowitissafeformetoaskyoutoadjustit,justasyouwoulddoifyouwerethepresidentofmycompany.Iamgoingtoleaveitalluptoyou.Whateveryousaygoes.’

Didheadjustthebill?Hecertainlydid,andgotquiteakickoutofit.Thebillsrangedfrom$150to$400–butdidthecustomergivehimselfthebestofit?Yes,oneofthemdid!Oneofthemrefusedtopayapennyofthedisputedcharge;buttheotherfiveallgavethecompanythebestof it!Andhere’s the creamof thewhole thing:wedeliverednewcarstoallsixofthesecustomerswithinthenexttwoyears!

‘Experiencehastaughtme,’saysMr.Thomas,‘Thatwhennoinformationcanbesecured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is toassumethatheorsheissincere,honest,truthfulandwillingandanxioustopaythecharges,onceconvinced theyare correct.Toput it differently andperhapsmore clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. Theexceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that theindividualswhoareinclinedtochiselwillinmostcasesreactfavourablyifyoumakethemfeelthatyouconsiderthemhonest,uprightandfair.’

PRINCIPLE10Appealtothenoblermotives.

MANYYEARSAGO, the PhiladelphiaEveningBulletinwas beingmaligned by adangerous whispering campaign. A malicious rumour was being circulated.Advertisers were being told that the newspaper was no longer attractive toreadersbecause it carried toomuchadvertisingand too littlenews. Immediateactionwasnecessary.Thegossiphadtobesquelched.

Buthow?Thisisthewayitwasdone.TheBulletinclippedfromitsregulareditionallreadingmatterofallkinds

ononeaverageday,classifiedit,andpublisheditasabook.ThebookwascalledOneDay. It contained 307 pages – as many as a hard-covered book; yet theBulletinhadprintedallthisnewsandfeaturematerialononedayandsoldit,notforseveraldollars,butforafewcents.

The printing of that book dramatised the fact that theBulletin carried anenormous amount of interesting reading matter. It conveyed the facts morevividly,more interestingly,more impressively, than pages of figures andmeretalkcouldhavedone.

This is thedayofdramatisation.Merely stating a truth isn’t enough.Thetruthhastobemadevivid,interesting,dramatic.Youhavetouseshowmanship.Themovies do it. Television does it. And youwill have to do it if youwantattention.

Expertsinwindowdisplayknowthepowerofdramatisation.Forexamplethe manufacturers of a new rat poison gave dealers a window display thatincludedtwoliverats.Theweektheratswereshown,saleszoomedtofivetimestheirnormalrate.

Television commercials abound with examples of the use of dramatictechniquesinsellingproducts.Sitdownoneeveninginfrontofyourtelevisionsetandanalysewhat theadvertisersdoineachof theirpresentations.Youwillnotehowanantacidmedicinechangesthecolouroftheacidinatesttubewhileits competitor doesn’t, howone brand of soap or detergent gets a greasy shirtcleanwhentheotherbrandleavesitgrey.You’llseeacarmanoeuvrearounda

seriesofturnsandcurves–farbetterthanjustbeingtoldaboutit.Happyfaceswillshowcontentmentwithavarietyofproducts.Allofthesedramatisefortheviewer the advantages offered by whatever is being sold – and they do getpeopletobuythem.

Youcandramatiseyourideasinbusinessorinanyotheraspectofyourlife.It’s easy. Jim Yeamans, who sells for the NCR company (National CashRegister) in Richmond, Virginia, told how he made a sale by dramaticdemonstration.

‘Last week I called on a neighbourhood grocer and saw that the cashregisters he was using at his checkout counters were very old-fashioned. Iapproached the owner and told him: “You are literally throwing awaypenniesevery timeacustomergoes throughyour line.”With that I threwahandfulofpenniesonthefloor.Hequicklybecamemoreattentive.Themerewordsshouldhave been of interest to him, but the sound of pennies hitting the floor reallystopped him. I was able to get an order from him to replace all of his oldmachines.’

It works in home life as well.When the old-time lover proposed to hissweetheart,didhejustusewordsoflove?No!Hewentdownonhisknees.Thatreallyshowedhemeantwhathesaid.Wedon’tproposeonourkneesanymore,butmanysuitorsstillsetuparomanticatmospherebeforetheypopthequestion.

Dramatisingwhatyouwantworkswithchildrenaswell.JoeB.Fant,Jr.,ofBirmingham,Alabama,washavingdifficultygettinghis five-year-oldboyandthree-year-olddaughtertopickuptheirtoys,soheinventeda‘train.’Joeywastheengineer(CaptainCaseyJones)onhistricycle.Janet’swagonwasattached,andintheeveningsheloadedallthe‘coal’onthecaboose(herwagon)andthenjumped inwhileherbrotherdroveher around the room. In thisway the roomwascleanedup–withoutlectures,argumentsorthreats.

MaryCatherineWolfofMishawaka,Indiana,washavingsomeproblemsatwork and decided that she had to discuss them with the boss. On Mondaymorningsherequestedanappointmentwithhimbutwastoldhewasverybusyandsheshouldarrangewithhissecretaryforanappointmentlaterintheweek.Thesecretaryindicatedthathisschedulewasverytight,butshewouldtrytofitherin.

Ms.Wolfdescribedwhathappened:‘Ididnotgeta replyfromherallweek long.Whenever Iquestionedher,

shewould giveme a reasonwhy the boss could not seeme. FridaymorningcameandIhadheardnothingdefinite.Ireallywantedtoseehimanddiscussmyproblemsbeforetheweekend,soIaskedmyselfhowIcouldgethimtoseeme.

‘WhatIfinallydidwasthis.Iwrotehimaformalletter.I indicatedinthe

letter that I fully understood how extremely busy hewas allweek, but itwasimportant that I speakwith him. I enclosed a form letter and a self-addressedenvelope and asked him to please fill it out or ask his secretary to do it andreturnittome.Theformletterreadasfollows:

Ms.Wolf–Iwillbeabletoseeyouon–at–A.M./P.M.Iwillgiveyou–minutesofmytime.

‘I put this letter inhis in-basket at 11A.M.At2P.M. I checkedmymailbox.Therewasmyself-addressedenvelope.Hehadansweredmyformletterhimselfandindicatedhecouldseemethatafternoonandcouldgivemetenminutesofhis time. I met with him, and we talked for over an hour and resolved myproblems.

‘If Ihadnotdramatised tohim the fact that I reallywanted to seehim, Iwouldprobablybestillwaitingforanappointment.’

JamesB.Boyntonhadtopresentalengthymarketreport.Hisfirmhadjustfinished an exhaustive study for a leading brand of cold cream. Data wereneeded immediately about the competition in this market; the prospectivecustomerwasoneofthebiggest–andmostformidable–menintheadvertisingbusiness.

Andhisfirstapproachfailedalmostbeforehebegan.‘The first time I went in,’ Mr. Boynton explains, ‘I found myself

sidetrackedintoafutilediscussionofthemethodsusedintheinvestigation.Heargued and I argued.He toldme Iwaswrong, and I tried toprove that Iwasright.

‘Ifinallywonmypoint,tomyownsatisfaction–butmytimewasup,theinterviewwasover,andIstillhadn’tproducedresults.

‘The second time, I didn’t bother with tabulations of figures and data. Iwenttoseethisman,Idramatisedmyfacts.

‘As Ienteredhisoffice,hewasbusyon thephone.Whilehe finishedhisconversation, Iopenedasuitcaseanddumped thirty-two jarsofcoldcreamontopofhisdesk–allproductsheknew–allcompetitorsofhiscream.

‘Oneachjar,Ihadatagitemisingtheresultsofthetradeinvestigation.Andeachtagtolditsstorybriefly,dramatically.

‘Whathappened?‘There was no longer an argument. Here was something new, something

different.Hepickedupfirstonethenanotherofthejarsofcoldcreamandreadthe information on the tag. A friendly conversation developed. He askedadditional questions. Hewas intensely interested. He had originally givenme

only tenminutes to presentmy facts, but tenminutes passed, twentyminutes,fortyminutes,andattheendofanhourwewerestilltalking.

‘Iwaspresenting thesamefacts this time that Ihadpresentedpreviously.ButthistimeIwasusingdramatisation,showmanship–andwhatadifferenceitmade.’

PRINCIPLE11Dramatiseyourideas.

CHARLES SCHWAB HAD a mill manager whose people weren’t producing theirquotaofwork.

‘How is it,’ Schwab asked him, ‘that amanager as capable as you can’tmakethismillturnoutwhatitshould?’

‘I don’t know,’ the manager replied. ‘I’ve coaxed the men, I’ve pushedthem, I’ve sworn and cussed, I’ve threatened themwith damnation and beingfired.Butnothingworks.Theyjustwon’tproduce.’

Thisconversationtookplaceattheendoftheday,justbeforethenightshiftcameon.Schwabasked themanager for apieceof chalk, then, turning to thenearestman,asked:

‘Howmanyheatsdidyourshiftmaketoday?’‘Six.’Without anotherword, Schwab chalked a big figure ‘6’ on the floor, and

walkedaway.Whenthenightshiftcamein,theysawthe‘6’andaskedwhatitmeant.‘Thebigbosswas in here today,’ thedaypeople said. ‘He askedus how

manyheatswemade,andwetoldhimsix.Hechalkeditonthefloor.’ThenextmorningSchwabwalked through themill again.Thenight shift

hadrubbedout‘6’andreplaceditwithabig‘7.’Whenthedayshiftreportedforworkthenextmorning,theysawabig‘7’

chalked on the floor. So the night shift thought theywere better than the dayshift,didthey?Well,theywouldshowthenightshiftathingortwo.Thecrewpitchedinwithenthusiasm,andwhentheyquitthatnight,theyleftbehindthemanenormous,swaggering‘10.’Thingsweresteppingup.

Shortly thismill,whichhadbeen laggingwaybehind in production,wasturningoutmoreworkthananyothermillintheplant.

Theprinciple?LetCharlesSchwabsayitinhisownwords:‘Thewaytogetthingsdone,’

says Schwab, ‘is to stimulate competition. I do notmean in a sordidmoney-gettingway,butinthedesiretoexcel.’

The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An

infalliblewayofappealingtopeopleofspirit.Withoutachallenge,TheodoreRooseveltwouldneverhavebeenPresident

of the United States. The Rough Rider, just back from Cuba, was picked forgovernorofNewYorkState.Theoppositiondiscoveredhewasnolongeralegalresident of the state, and Roosevelt, frightened, wished to withdraw. ThenThomas Collier Platt, then U.S. Senator from New York, threw down thechallenge.TurningsuddenlyonTheodoreRoosevelt,hecriedinaringingvoice:‘IstheheroofSanJuanHillacoward?’

Rooseveltstayedinthefight–andtherestishistory.Achallengenotonlychangedhislife;ithadarealeffectuponthefutureofhisnation.

‘Allmen have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward,sometimestodeath,butalwaystovictory’wasthemottooftheKing’sGuardinancientGreece.What greater challenge canbe offered than the opportunity toovercomethosefears?

WhenAlSmithwasthegovernorofNewYork,hewasupagainstit.SingSing, at the time the most notorious penitentiary west of Devil’s Island, waswithout a warden. Scandals had been sweeping through the prison walls,scandalsandugly rumours.Smithneededastrongman to ruleSingSing–anironman.Butwho?HesentforLewisE.LawesofNewHampton.

‘Howaboutgoingup to takechargeofSingSing?’hesaid joviallywhenLawesstoodbeforehim.‘Theyneedamanuptherewithexperience.’

Lawes was flabbergasted. He knew the dangers of Sing Sing. It was apolitical appointment, subject to the vagaries of politicalwhims.Wardens hadcomeandgone–onelastedonlythreeweeks.Hehadacareertoconsider.Wasitworththerisk?

ThenSmith,who sawhishesitation, leanedback inhis chair and smiled.‘Youngfellow,’hesaid, ‘Idon’tblameyouforbeingscared. It’sa toughspot.It’lltakeabigpersontogoupthereandstay.’

Sohewent.Andhestayed.Hestayed,tobecomethemostfamouswardenof his time. His book 20,000 Years in Sing Sing sold into the hundred ofthousandsofcopies.Hisbroadcastsontheairandhisstoriesofprisonlifehaveinspired dozens ofmovies.His ‘humanising’ of criminalswroughtmiracles inthewayofprisonreform.

‘I have never found,’ said Harvey S. Firestone, founder of the greatFirestoneTyreandRubberCompany,‘thatpayandpayalonewouldeitherbringtogetherorholdgoodpeople.Ithinkitwasthegameitself.’

FredericHerzberg, one of the great behavioural scientists, concurred. Hestudiedindepththeworkattitudesofthousandsofpeoplerangingfromfactoryworkers to senior executives. What do you think he found to be the most

motivatingfactor–theonefacetofthejobsthatwasmoststimulating?Money?Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No – not any of those. The onemajorfactorthatmotivatedpeoplewastheworkitself.Iftheworkwasexcitingandinteresting,theworkerlookedforwardtodoingitandwasmotivatedtodoagoodjob.

Thatiswhateverysuccessfulpersonloves:thegame.Thechanceforself-expression.Thechancetoprovehisorherworth,toexcel,towin.Thatiswhatmakesfoot-races,andhog-calling,andpie-eatingcontests.Thedesire toexcel.Thedesireforafeelingofimportance.

PRINCIPLE12Throwdownachallenge.

INANUTSHELLWINPEOPLETOYOURWAYOFTHINKING

PRINCIPLE1Theonlywaytogetthebestofanargumentistoavoidit.

PRINCIPLE2Showrespectfortheotherperson’sopinions.Neversay,‘You’rewrong.’

PRINCIPLE3Ifyouarewrong,admititquicklyandemphatically.

PRINCIPLE4Begininafriendlyway.

PRINCIPLE5Gettheotherpersonsaying‘yes,yes’immediately.

PRINCIPLE6Lettheotherpersondoagreatdealofthetalking.

PRINCIPLE7Lettheotherpersonfeelthattheideaishisorhers.

PRINCIPLE8Tryhonestlytoseethingsfromtheotherperson’spointofview.

PRINCIPLE9Besympatheticwiththeotherperson’sideasanddesires.

PRINCIPLE10Appealtothenoblermotives.

PRINCIPLE11Dramatiseyourideas.

PRINCIPLE12Throwdownachallenge.

A FRIEND OF mine was a guest at theWhite House for a weekend during theadministrationofCalvinCoolidge.DriftingintothePresident’sprivateoffice,heheardCoolidgesaytooneofhissecretaries,‘That’saveryprettydressyouarewearingthismorning,andyouareaveryattractiveyoungwoman.’

Thatwasprobably themost effusivepraiseSilentCal had ever bestoweduponasecretaryinhislife.Itwassounusual,sounexpected,thatthesecretaryblushedinconfusion.ThenCoolidgesaid,‘Now,don’tgetstuckup.Ijustsaidthat tomake you feel good. Fromnowon, Iwish youwould be a littlemorecarefulwithyourpunctuation.’

Hismethodwasprobablyabitobvious,butthepsychologywassuperb.Itisalwayseasiertolistentounpleasantthingsafterwehaveheardsomepraiseofourgoodpoints.

A barber lathers aman before he shaves him; and that is preciselywhatMcKinley did back in 1896, when he was running for President. One of theprominentRepublicans of that day hadwritten a campaign speech that he feltwas just a trifle better than Cicero and PatrickHenry andDanielWebster allrolled into one.With great glee, this chap read his immortal speech aloud toMcKinley. The speech had its fine points, but it just wouldn’t do. McKinleydidn’t want to hurt the man’s feelings. He must not kill the man’s splendidenthusiasm,andyethehadtosay‘no.’Notehowadroitlyhedidit.

‘Myfriend,thatisasplendidspeech,amagnificentspeech,’McKinleysaid.‘Noonecouldhavepreparedabetterone.Therearemanyoccasionsonwhichitwouldbepreciselytherightthingtosay,butisitquitesuitabletothisparticularoccasion? Sound and sober as it is from your standpoint, I must consider itseffect from theparty’s standpoint.Nowgohomeandwritea speechalong thelinesIindicate,andsendmeacopyofit.’

Hedidjustthat.McKinleyblue-penciledandhelpedhimrewritehissecondspeech,andhebecameoneoftheeffectivespeakersofthecampaign.

Here is the secondmost famous letter thatAbrahamLincoln everwrote.(HismostfamousonewaswrittentoMrs.Bixby,expressinghissorrowforthedeathofthefivesonsshehadlostinbattle.)Lincolnprobablydashedthisletter

off in fiveminutes; yet it sold at public auction in 1926 for twelve thousanddollars, and that, by theway,wasmoremoney thanLincolnwas able to saveduring half a century of hardwork. The letter waswritten to General JosephHooker on April 26, 1863, during the darkest period of the Civil War. Foreighteenmonths,Lincoln’sgeneralshadbeenleadingtheUnionArmyfromonetragicdefeat toanother.Nothingbut futile, stupidhumanbutchery.Thenationwasappalled.Thousandsof soldiershaddeserted from thearmy,andeven theRepublicanmembersoftheSenatehadrevoltedandwantedtoforceLincolnoutoftheWhiteHouse.‘Wearenowonthebrinkofdestruction,’Lincolnsaid.‘Itappears tome that even theAlmighty is against us. I can hardly see a ray ofhope.’Suchwas theperiodofblack sorrowandchaosoutofwhich this lettercame.

IamprintingtheletterherebecauseitshowshowLincolntriedtochangeanobstreperousgeneralwhen thevery fateof thenationcouldhavedependeduponthegeneral’saction.

This is perhaps the sharpest letter Abe Lincoln wrote after he becamePresident;yetyouwillnotethathepraisedGeneralHookerbeforehespokeofhisgravefaults.

Yes,theyweregravefaults,butLincolndidn’tcallthemthat.Lincolnwasmoreconservative,morediplomatic.Lincolnwrote: ‘Thereare some things inregard to which I am not quite satisfied with you.’ Talk about tact! Anddiplomacy!

HereistheletteraddressedtoGeneralHooker:

I have placed you at the head of the Army of the Potomac. Ofcourse,Ihavedonethisuponwhatappearstometobesufficientreasons,andyetIthinkitbestforyoutoknowthattherearesomethingsinregardtowhichIamnotquitesatisfiedwithyou.

I believe you to be a brave and skillful soldier, which, ofcourse, I like. I also believe you do not mix politics with yourprofession, in which you are right. You have confidence inyourself,whichisavaluableifnotanindispensablequality.

You are ambitious, which, within reasonable bounds, doesgood rather than harm. But I think that during GeneralBurnside’scommandofthearmyyouhavetakencounselofyourambition and thwartedhimasmuch as you could, inwhich youdid a greatwrong to the country and to amostmeritorious andhonourablebrotherofficer.

Ihaveheard, insuchawayas tobelieve it,ofyourrecently

sayingthatboththearmyandtheGovernmentneededadictator.Ofcourse, itwasnot for this,but inspiteof it, thatIhavegivenyoucommand.

Only those generals who gain successes can set up asdictators.WhatInowaskofyouismilitarysuccessandIwillriskthedictatorship.

TheGovernmentwillsupportyoutotheutmostofitsability,whichisneithermorenorlessthanithasdoneandwilldoforallcommanders.Imuchfearthatthespiritwhichyouhaveaidedtoinfuse into the army, of criticizing their commander andwithholdingconfidencefromhim,willnowturnuponyou.Ishallassistyou,asfarasIcan,toputitdown.

Neither you norNapoleon, if hewere alive again, could getanygoodoutofanarmywhilesuchspiritprevailsinit,andnowbeware of rashness. Beware of rashness, but with energy andsleeplessvigilance,goforwardandgiveusvictories.

Youarenot aCoolidge, aMcKinleyor aLincoln.Youwant toknowwhetherthisphilosophywilloperateforyouineverydaybusinesscontacts.Willit?Let’ssee.Let’stakethecaseofW.P.Gaw,oftheWarkCompany,Philadelphia.

TheWark Company had contracted to build and complete a large officebuildinginPhiladelphiabyacertainspecifieddate.Everythingwasgoingalongwell;thebuildingwasalmostfinished,whensuddenlythesubcontractormakingtheornamentalbronzeworktogoontheexteriorof thisbuildingdeclaredthathecouldn’tmakedeliveryonschedule.What!Anentirebuildingheldup!Heavypenalties!Distressinglosses!Allbecauseofoneman!

Long-distance telephone calls. Arguments! Heated conversations! All invain.ThenMr.GawwassenttoNewYorktobeardthebronzelioninhisden.

‘DoyouknowyouaretheonlypersoninBrooklynwithyourname?’Mr.Gaw asked the president of the subcontracting firm shortly after they wereintroduced.Thepresidentwassurprised.‘No,Ididn’tknowthat.’

‘Well,’saidMr.Gaw,‘whenIgotoffthetrainthismorning,Ilookedinthetelephonebooktogetyouraddress,andyou’retheonlypersonintheBrooklynphonebookwithyourname.’

‘Ineverknewthat,’thesubcontractorsaid.Hecheckedthephonebookwithinterest. ‘Well, it’s an unusual name,’ he said proudly. ‘My family came fromHollandandsettledinNewYorkalmosttwohundredyearsago.’Hecontinuedtotalkabouthisfamilyandhisancestorsforseveralminutes.Whenhefinishedthat,Mr.Gawcomplimentedhimonhowlargeaplanthehadandcomparedit

favourably with a number of similar plants he had visited. ‘It is one of thecleanestandneatestbronzefactoriesIeversaw.’saidGaw.

‘I’vespentalifetimebuildingupthisbusiness,’thesubcontractorsaid,‘andIamratherproudofit.Wouldyouliketotakealookaroundthefactory?’

Duringthistourofinspection,Mr.Gawcomplimentedtheothermanonhissystemoffabricationandtoldhimhowandwhyitseemedsuperiortothoseofsomeofhiscompetitors.Gawcommentedonsomeunusualmachines,and thesubcontractorannouncedthathehimselfhadinventedthosemachines.HespentconsiderabletimeshowingGawhowtheyoperatedandthesuperiorworktheyturned out.He insisted on taking his visitor to lunch. So far,mind you, not awordhadbeensaidabouttherealpurposeofGaw’svisit.

After lunch, the subcontractor said, ‘Now, to get down to business.Naturally,Iknowwhyyou’rehere.Ididn’texpectthatourmeetingwouldbesoenjoyable.YoucangobacktoPhiladelphiawithmypromisethatyourmaterialwillbefabricatedandshipped,evenifotherordershavetobedelayed.’

Mr. Gaw got everything that he wanted without even asking for it. Thematerial arrived on time, and the building was completed on the day thecompletioncontractspecified.

Would this have happened hadMr. Gaw used the hammer-and-dynamitemethodgenerallyemployedonsuchoccasions?

Dorothy Wrublewski, a branch manager of the Fort Monmouth, NewJersey,FederalCreditUnion,reportedtooneofourclasseshowshewasabletohelponeofheremployeesbecomemoreproductive.

‘We recently hired a young lady as a teller trainee.Her contactwith ourcustomerswasverygood.Shewasaccurateandefficientinhandlingindividualtransactions.Theproblemdevelopedat theendof thedaywhenitwastimetobalanceout.

‘TheheadtellercametomeandstronglysuggestedthatIfirethiswoman.“She isholdingupeveryoneelsebecauseshe issoslowinbalancingout. I’veshownheroverandover,butshecan’tgetit.She’sgottogo.”

‘The next day I observed her working quickly and accurately whenhandlingthenormaleverydaytransactions,andshewasverypleasantwithourcustomers.

‘Itdidn’ttakelongtodiscoverwhyshehadtroublebalancingout.Aftertheofficeclosed,Iwentovertotalkwithher.Shewasobviouslynervousandupset.I praised her for being so friendly and outgoing with the customers andcomplimentedherfortheaccuracyandspeedusedinthatwork.Ithensuggestedwereviewtheprocedureweuseinbalancingthecashdrawer.OncesherealisedIhadconfidenceinher,sheeasilyfollowedmysuggestionsandsoonmastered

thisfunction.Wehavehadnoproblemswithhersincethen.’Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with

Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but theNovocain is pain-killing.Aleaderwilluse...

PRINCIPLE1Beginwithpraiseandhonestappreciation.

CHARLES SCHWABWAS passing through one of his steelmills one day at noonwhenhecameacrosssomeofhisemployeessmoking.Immediatelyabovetheirheadswasasignthatsaid‘NoSmoking.’DidSchwabpointtothesignandsay,‘Can’tyouread?’Ohno,notSchwab.Hewalkedovertothemen,handedeachone a cigar, and said, ‘I’ll appreciate it, boys, if youwill smoke these on theoutside.’Theyknewthatheknewthattheyhadbrokenarule–andtheyadmiredhimbecausehe saidnothing about it andgave thema little present andmadethemfeelimportant.Couldn’tkeepfromlovingamanlikethat,couldyou?

JohnWanamakerusedthesametechnique.WanamakerusedtomakeatourofhisgreatstoreinPhiladelphiaeveryday.Oncehesawacustomerwaitingatacounter.Noonewaspayingtheslightestattentiontoher.Thesalespeople?Oh,theywereinahuddleatthefarendofthecounterlaughingandtalkingamongthemselves.Wanamakerdidn’tsayaword.Quietlyslippingbehindthecounter,hewaitedonthewomanhimselfandthenhandedthepurchasetothesalespeopletobewrappedashewentonhisway.

Public officials are often criticised for not being accessible to theirconstituents. They are busy people, and the fault sometimes lies inoverprotective assistants who don’t want to overburden their bosses with toomany visitors. Carl Langford, who has been mayor of Orlando, Florida, thehomeofDisneyWorld,formanyyears,frequentlyadmonishedhisstafftoallowpeopletoseehim.Heclaimedhehadan‘open-door’policy;yetthecitizensofhiscommunitywereblockedbysecretariesandadministratorswhentheycalled.

Finallythemayorfoundthesolution.Heremovedthedoorfromhisoffice!His aidesgot themessage, and themayorhashad a trulyopen administrationsincethedayhisdoorwassymbolicallythrownaway.

Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the differencebetween failure and success in changing people without giving offence orarousingresentment.

Manypeoplebegintheircriticismwithsincerepraisefollowedbytheword‘but’ and endingwith a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a

child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, ‘We’re really proud ofyou,Johnnie,forraisingyourgradesthisterm.Butifyouhadworkedharderonyouralgebra,theresultswouldhavebeenbetter.’

In thiscase,Johnniemight feelencourageduntilheheard theword‘but.’Hemight then question the sincerity of the original praise.To him, the praiseseemedonlytobeacontrivedlead-intoacriticalinferenceoffailure.Credibilitywould be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives ofchangingJohnnie’sattitudetowardhisstudies.

Thiscouldbeeasilyovercomebychangingtheword‘but’to‘and.’‘We’rereallyproudofyou,Johnnie,forraisingyourgradesthisterm,andbycontinuingthesameconscientiouseffortsnextterm,youralgebragradecanbeupwithalltheothers.’

Now,Johnniewouldacceptthepraisebecausetherewasnofollow-upofaninferenceoffailure.Wehavecalledhisattentiontothebehaviourwewishedtochangeindirectly,andthechancesarehewilltrytoliveuptoourexpectations.

Callingattentiontoone’smistakesindirectlyworkswonderswithsensitivepeoplewhomayresentbitterlyanydirectcriticism.MargeJacobofWoonsocket,Rhode Island, told one of our classes how she convinced some sloppyconstruction workers to clean up after themselves when they were buildingadditionstoherhouse.

Forthefirstfewdaysofthework,whenMrs.Jacobreturnedfromherjob,shenoticedthattheyardwasstrewnwiththecutendsoflumber.Shedidn’twanttoantagonisethebuilders,becausetheydidexcellentwork.Soaftertheworkershadgonehome,sheandherchildrenpickedupandneatlypiledall thelumberdebrisinacorner.Thefollowingmorningshecalledtheforemantoonesideandsaid,‘I’mreallypleasedwiththewaythefrontlawnwasleftlastnight;itisniceand clean and does not offend the neighbours.’ From that day forward theworkers picked up and piled the debris to one side, and the foreman came ineach day seeking approval of the condition the lawnwas left in after a day’swork.

One of the major areas of controversy between members of the armyreserves and their regular army trainers is haircuts. The reservists considerthemselvescivilians(whichtheyaremostofthetime)andresenthavingtocuttheirhairshort.

Master Sergeant Harley Kaiser of the 542nd USAR School addressedhimself to this problem when he was working with a group of reservenoncommissioned officers. As an old-time regular-army master sergeant, hemight have been expected to yell at his troops and threaten them. Instead hechosetomakehispointindirectly.

‘Gentlemen,’hestarted,‘youareleaders.Youwillbemosteffectivewhenyou lead by example. Youmust be the example for yourmen to follow.Youknowwhatthearmyregulationssayabouthaircuts.Iamgoingtogetmyhaircuttoday,althoughitisstillmuchshorterthansomeofyours.Youlookatyourselfin themirror, and if you feel you need a haircut to be a good example,we’llarrangetimeforyoutovisitthepostbarbership.’

Theresultwaspredictable.Severalofthecandidatesdidlookinthemirrorand went to the barbershop that afternoon and received ‘regulation’ haircuts.Sergeant Kaiser commented the next morning that he already could see thedevelopmentofleadershipqualitiesinsomeofthemembersofthesquad.

OnMarch8,1887,theeloquentHenryWardBeecherdied.ThefollowingSunday,LymanAbbottwasinvitedtospeakinthepulpitleftsilentbyBeecher’spassing.Eagertodohisbest,hewrote,rewroteandpolishedhissermonwiththemeticulouscareofaFlaubert.Thenhereadittohiswife.Itwaspoor–asmostwritten speeches are. She might have said, if she had had less judgement,‘Lyman,thatisterrible.That’llneverdo.You’llputpeopletosleep.Itreadslikeanencyclopedia.Yououghttoknowbetterthanthatafteralltheyearsyouhavebeenpreaching.Forheaven’ssake,whydon’tyoutalklikeahumanbeing?Whydon’tyouactnatural?You’lldisgraceyourselfifyoueverreadthatstuff.’

That’swhat shemight have said.And, if she had, you knowwhatwouldhavehappened.Andsheknewtoo.So,shemerelyremarkedthatitwouldmakeanexcellentarticlefortheNorthAmericanReview.Inotherwords,shepraiseditand at the same time subtly suggested that itwouldn’t do as a speech.LymanAbbott saw the point, tore up his carefully preparedmanuscript and preachedwithoutevenusingnotes.

Aneffectivewaytocorrectothers’mistakesis...

PRINCIPLE2Callattentiontopeople’smistakesindirectly.

MYNIECE,JOSEPHINECarnegie,hadcometoNewYorktobemysecretary.Shewas nineteen, had graduated from high school three years previously, and herbusiness experiencewas a triflemore than zero. She became one of themostproficient secretaries west of Suez, but in the beginning, she was – well,susceptible to improvement. One daywhen I started to criticise her, I said tomyself: ‘Just aminute,DaleCarnegie; just aminute.You are twice as old asJosephine.Youhavehadtenthousandtimesasmuchbusinessexperience.Howcan you possibly expect her to have your viewpoint, your judgement, yourinitiative–mediocre thoughtheymaybe?Andjustaminute,Dale,whatwereyoudoingatnineteen?Remembertheasininemistakesandblundersyoumade?Rememberthetimeyoudidthis...andthat...?’

After thinking thematter over, honestly and impartially, I concluded thatJosephine’sbattingaverageatnineteenwasbetterthanminehadbeen–andthat,I’msorrytoconfess,isn’tpayingJosephinemuchofacompliment.

So after that, when Iwanted to call Josephine’s attention to amistake, Iused to begin by saying, ‘You havemade amistake, Josephine, but the Lordknows,it’snoworsethanmanyIhavemade.Youwerenotbornwithjudgement.Thatcomesonlywithexperience,andyouarebetter than Iwasatyourage. Ihave been guilty of so many stupid, silly things myself, I have very littleinclination to criticiseyouor anyone.Butdon’t you think itwouldhavebeenwiserifyouhaddonesoandso?’

It isn’tnearly sodifficult to listen to a recitalofyour faults if thepersoncriticisingbeginsbyhumblyadmittingthathe,too,isfarfromimpeccable.

E.G. Dillistone, an engineer in Brandon, Manitoba, Canada, was havingproblemswithhisnewsecretary.Lettershedictatedwerecomingtohisdeskforsignaturewith twoor three spellingmistakesperpage.Mr.Dillistone reportedhowhehandledthis:

‘Likemanyengineers, I havenotbeennoted formyexcellentEnglishorspelling.ForyearsIhavekeptalittleblackthumb-indexbookforwordsIhadtrouble spelling.When it became apparent thatmerely pointing out the errorswas not going to causemy secretary to domore proofreading and dictionary

work, I resolved to take another approach.When the next letter came to myattentionthathaderrorsinit,Isatdownwiththetypistandsaid:

‘“Somehow this word doesn’t look right. It’s one of the words I alwayshavehadtroublewith.That’sthereasonIstartedthisspellingbookofmine.[Iopenedthebooktotheappropriatepage.]Yes,hereitis.I’mveryconsciousofmy spelling now because people do judge us by our letters and misspellingsmakeuslooklessprofessional.”

‘I don’t know whether she copied my system or not, but since thatconversation,herfrequencyofspellingerrorshasbeensignificantlyreduced.’

The polished Prince Bernhard von Bülow learned the sharp necessity ofdoing this back in 1909. Von Bülow was then the Imperial Chancellor ofGermany,andonthethronesatWilhelmII–Wilhelm,thehaughty;Wilhelm,thearrogant;Wilhelm, the lastof theGermanKaisers,buildinganarmyandnavythatheboastedcouldwhiptheirweightinwildcats.

Then an astonishing thing happened. The Kaiser said things, incrediblethings,thingsthatrockedthecontinentandstartedaseriesofexplosionsheardaround the world. To make matters infinitely worse, the Kaiser made silly,egotistical,absurdannouncementsinpublic,hemadethemwhilehewasaguestinEngland,andhegavehisroyalpermissiontohavethemprintedintheDailyTelegraph. For example, he declared that he was the only German who feltfriendlytowardtheEnglish;thathewasconstructinganavyagainstthemenaceofJapan; thathe,andhealone,hadsavedEnglandfrombeinghumbled in thedust by Russia and France; that it had been his campaign plan that enabledEngland’sLordRobertstodefeattheBoersinSouthAfrica;andsoonandon.

NoothersuchamazingwordshadeverfallenfromthelipsofaEuropeankinginpeacetimewithinahundredyears.Theentirecontinentbuzzedwiththefuryofahornet’snest.Englandwas incensed.Germanstatesmenwereaghast.And in the midst of all this consternation, the Kaiser became panicky andsuggestedtoPrincevonBülow,theImperialChancellor,thathetaketheblame.Yes,hewantedvonBülowtoannouncethatitwasallhisresponsibility,thathehadadvisedhismonarchtosaytheseincrediblethings.

‘ButYourMajesty,’vonBülowprotested,‘itseemstomeutterlyimpossiblethatanybodyeitherinGermanyorEnglandcouldsupposemecapableofhavingadvisedYourMajestytosayanysuchthing.’

Themoment thosewordswereoutofvonBülow’smouth,he realisedhehadmadeagravemistake.TheKaiserblewup.

‘Youconsidermeadonkey,’heshouted,‘capableofblundersyouyourselfcouldneverhavecommitted!’

VonBülowknewthatheought tohavepraisedbeforehecondemned;but

since that was too late, he did the next best thing. He praised after he hadcriticised.Anditworkedamiracle.

‘I’m far from suggesting that,’ he answered respectfully. ‘Your Majestysurpasses me in many respects; not only, of course, in naval and militaryknowledge,butaboveall,innaturalscience.Ihaveoftenlistenedinadmirationwhen Your Majesty explained the barometer, or wireless telegraphy, or theRoentgenrays.Iamshamefullyignorantofallbranchesofnaturalscience,haveno notion of chemistry or physics, and am quite incapable of explaining thesimplestofnaturalphenomena.But,’vonBülowcontinued,‘incompensation,Ipossess some historical knowledge and perhaps certain qualities useful inpolitics,especiallyindiplomacy.’

TheKaiserbeamed.VonBülowhadpraisedhim.VonBülowhadexaltedhimandhumbledhimself.TheKaisercouldforgiveanythingafterthat.‘Haven’tIalwaystoldyou,’heexclaimedwithenthusiasm,‘thatwecompleteoneanotherfamously?Weshouldsticktogether,andwewill!’

HeshookhandswithvonBülow,notonce,butseveraltimes.Andlaterinthedayhewaxedsoenthusiasticthatheexclaimedwithdoubledfists,‘IfanyonesaysanythingtomeagainstPrincevonBülow,Ishallpunchhiminthenose.’

VonBülow saved himself in time – but, canny diplomat that hewas, heneverthelesshadmadeoneerror:heshouldhavebegunbytalkingabouthisownshortcomingsandWilhelm’ssuperiority–notbyintimatingthattheKaiserwasahalf-witinneedofaguardian.

Ifafewsentenceshumblingoneselfandpraisingtheotherpartycanturnahaughty,insultedKaiserintoastaunchfriend,imaginewhathumilityandpraisecan do for you andme in our daily contacts. Rightfully used, theywillworkveritablemiraclesinhumanrelations.

Admittingone’sownmistakes–evenwhenonehasn’tcorrectedthem–canhelp convince somebody to change his behaviour. This was illustrated morerecentlybyClarenceZerhusenofTimonium,Maryland,whenhediscoveredhisfifteen-year-oldsonwasexperimentingwithcigarettes.

‘Naturally, I didn’twantDavid to smoke,’Mr.Zerhusen told us, ‘but hismotherandIsmokedcigarettes;weweregivinghimabadexampleallthetime.IexplainedtoDavehowIstartedsmokingatabouthisageandhowthenicotinehad gotten the best ofme and now itwas nearly impossible forme to stop. Ireminded himhow irritatingmy coughwas and howhe had been afterme togiveupcigarettesnotmanyyearsbefore.

‘I didn’t exhort him to stop or make threats or warn him about theirdangers.AllIdidwaspointouthowIwashookedoncigarettesandwhatithadmeanttome.

‘He thought about it for awhile anddecidedhewouldn’t smokeuntil hehad graduated from high school. As the years went by David never did startsmokingandhasnointentionofeverdoingso.

‘As a result of that conversation I made the decision to stop smokingcigarettesmyself,andwiththesupportofmyfamily,Ihavesucceeded.’

Agoodleaderfollowsthisprinciple:

PRINCIPLE3Talkaboutyourownmistakesbeforecriticisingtheotherperson.

IONCEHADthepleasureofdiningwithMissIdaTarbell,thedeanofAmericanbiographers.WhenItoldherIwaswritingthisbook,webegandiscussingthisall-importantsubjectofgettingalongwithpeople,andshetoldmethatwhileshewaswritingherbiographyofOwenD.Young,sheinterviewedamanwhohadsat for three years in the sameofficewithMr.Young.Thismandeclared thatduringall that timehehadneverheardOwenD.Younggiveadirectorder toanyone.Healwaysgavesuggestions,notorders.OwenD.Youngneversaid,forexample,‘Dothisordothat,’or‘Don’tdothisordon’tdothat.’Hewouldsay,‘Youmight consider this,’ or ‘Do you think that wouldwork?’ Frequently hewouldsay,afterhehaddictatedaletter,‘Whatdoyouthinkofthis?’Inlookingoveraletterofoneofhisassistants,hewouldsay,‘Maybeifweweretophraseit this way it would be better.’ He always gave people the opportunity to dothingsthemselves;henevertoldhisassistantstodothings;heletthemdothem,letthemlearnfromtheirmistakes.

A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. Atechnique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her a feeling ofimportance.Itencouragescooperationinsteadofrebellion.

Resentmentcausedbyabrashordermaylastalongtime–eveniftheorderwasgiven to correct an obviously bad situation.DanSantarelli, a teacher at avocationalschoolinWyoming,Pennsylvania,toldoneofourclasseshowoneofhis students had blocked the entrance way to one of the school’s shops byillegally parking his car in it. One of the other instructors stormed into theclassroomandaskedinanarroganttone,‘Whosecarisblockingthedriveway?’Whenthestudentwhoownedthecarresponded,theinstructorscreamed:‘Movethatcarandmoveitrightnow,orI’llwrapachainarounditanddragitoutofthere.’

Now that studentwaswrong.Thecar shouldnothavebeenparked there.Butfromthatdayon,notonlydidthatstudentresenttheinstructor’saction,butallthestudentsintheclassdideverythingtheycouldtogivetheinstructorahardtimeandmakehisjobunpleasant.

Howcouldhehavehandleditdifferently?Ifhehadaskedinafriendlyway,

‘Whosecarisinthedriveway?’andthensuggestedthatifitweremoved,othercarscouldgetinandout,thestudentwouldhavegladlymoveditandneitherhenorhisclassmateswouldhavebeenupsetandresentful.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it oftenstimulatesthecreativityofthepersonswhomyouask.Peoplearemorelikelytoacceptanorderiftheyhavehadapartinthedecisionthatcausedtheordertobeissued.

WhenIanMacdonaldofJohannesburg,SouthAfrica,thegeneralmanagerofasmallmanufacturingplantspecialising inprecisionmachineparts,had theopportunity to accept a very large order, hewas convinced that hewould notmeetthepromiseddeliverydate.Theworkalreadyscheduledintheshopandtheshortcompletiontimeneededforthisordermadeitseemimpossibleforhimtoaccepttheorder.

Instead of pushing his people to accelerate theirwork and rush the orderthrough,hecalledeverybodytogether,explainedthesituationtothem,andtoldthemhowmuchitwouldmeantothecompanyandtothemiftheycouldmakeitpossibletoproducetheorderontime.Thenhestartedaskingquestions:

‘Isthereanythingwecandotohandlethisorder?’‘Cananyonethinkofdifferentwaystoprocessitthroughtheshopthatwill

makeitpossibletotaketheorder?’‘Isthereanywaytoadjustourhoursorpersonnelassignmentsthatwould

help?’Theemployeescameupwithmanyideasandinsistedthathetaketheorder.

Theyapproached itwitha ‘Wecando it’attitude,and theorderwasaccepted,producedanddeliveredontime.

Aneffectiveleaderwilluse...

PRINCIPLE4

Askquestionsinsteadofgivingdirectorders.

YEARSAGOTHEGeneralElectricCompanywas facedwith thedelicate taskofremovingCharlesSteinmetzfromtheheadofadepartment.Steinmetz,ageniusofthefirstmagnitudewhenitcametoelectricity,wasafailureastheheadofthecalculating department. Yet the company didn’t dare offend theman. Hewasindispensable–andhighlysensitive.Sotheygavehimanewtitle.TheymadehimConsultingEngineeroftheGeneralElectricCompany–anewtitleforworkhewasalreadydoing–andletsomeoneelseheadupthedepartment.

Steinmetzwashappy.So were the officers of G.E. They had gently manoeuvred their most

temperamentalstar,andtheyhaddoneitwithoutastorm–bylettinghimsaveface.

Lettingonesave face!Howimportant,howvitally important that is!Andhowfewofuseverstopto thinkof it!Werideroughshodover thefeelingsofothers,gettingourownway,findingfault, issuingthreats,criticisingachildoran employee in front of others,without even considering the hurt to the otherperson’s pride.Whereas a fewminutes’ thought, a considerateword or two, agenuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far towardalleviatingthesting!

Let’s remember that the next time we are faced with the distastefulnecessityofdischargingorreprimandinganemployee.

‘Firing employees is not much fun. Getting fired is even less fun.’ (I’mquotingnowfromaletterwrittenmebyMarshallA.Granger,acertifiedpublicaccountant.)‘Ourbusinessismostlyseasonal.Thereforewehavetoletalotofpeoplegoaftertheincometaxrushisover.

‘It’s a byword in our profession that no one enjoys wielding the axe.Consequently, thecustomhasdevelopedofgetting itoverassoonaspossible,andusuallyinthefollowingway:“Sitdown,Mr.Smith.Theseason’sover,andwedon’tseemtoseeanymoreassignmentsforyou.Ofcourse,youunderstoodyouwereonlyemployedforthebusyseasonanyhow,etc.,etc.”

‘Theeffectonthesepeopleisoneofdisappointmentandafeelingofbeing“letdown.”Mostofthemareintheaccountingfieldforlife,andtheyretainno

particularloveforthefirmthatdropsthemsocasually.‘I recentlydecided to letourseasonalpersonnelgowitha littlemore tact

andconsideration.SoIcalleachoneinonlyaftercarefullythinkingoverhisorher work during the winter. And I’ve said something like this: “Mr. Smith,you’vedoneafinejob(ifhehas).ThattimewesentyoutoNewark,youhadatough assignment. You were on the spot, but you came through with flyingcolours,andwewantyoutoknowthefirmisproudofyou.You’vegotthestuff–you’regoingalongway,whereveryou’reworking.Thisfirmbelievesinyou,andisrootingforyou,andwedon’twantyoutoforgetit.”

‘Effect? The people go away feeling a lot better about being fired. Theydon’tfeel“letdown.”Theyknowifwehadworkforthem,we’dkeepthemon.Andwhenweneedthemagain,theycometouswithakeenpersonalaffection.’

At one session of our course, two classmembers discussed the negativeeffectsoffaultfindingversusthepositiveeffectsoflettingtheotherpersonsaveface.

FredClarkofHarrisburg,Pennsylvania,toldofanincidentthatoccurredinhiscompany: ‘Atoneofourproductionmeetings,avicepresidentwasaskingvery pointed questions of one of our production supervisors regarding aproductionprocess.Histoneofvoicewasaggressiveandaimedatpointingoutfaultyperformanceonthepartofthesupervisor.Notwantingtobeembarrassedinfrontofhispeers,thesupervisorwasevasiveinhisresponses.Thiscausedthevicepresidenttolosehistemper,beratethesupervisorandaccusehimoflying.

‘Anyworking relationship thatmighthave existedprior to this encounterwas destroyed in a few brief moments. This supervisor, who was basically agoodworker,wasuselesstoourcompanyfromthattimeon.Afewmonthslaterhe left our firm andwent towork for a competitor,where I understand he isdoingafinejob.’

Anotherclassmember,AnnaMazzone,relatedhowasimilarincidenthadoccurred at her job – but what a difference in approach and results! Ms.Mazzone, a marketing specialist for a food packer, was given her first majorassignment–thetestmarketingofanewproduct.Shetoldtheclass:‘Whentheresultsof the testcame in, Iwasdevastated. Ihadmadeaseriouserror inmyplanning,andtheentiretesthadtobedonealloveragain.Tomakethisworse,Ihad no time to discuss itwithmy boss before themeeting inwhich Iwas tomakemyreportontheproject.

‘WhenIwascalledontogivethereport,Iwasshakingwithfright.IhadallIcoulddotokeepfrombreakingdown,butIresolvedIwouldnotcryandhaveall those men make remarks about women not being able to handle amanagement jobbecause theyare tooemotional. Imademyreportbrieflyand

statedthatduetoanerrorIwouldrepeatthestudybeforethenextmeeting.Isatdown,expectingmybosstoblowup.

‘Instead,hethankedmeformyworkandremarkedthatitwasnotunusualforapersontomakeanerroronanewprojectandthathehadconfidencethattherepeatsurveywouldbeaccurateandmeaningfultothecompany.Heassuredme,infrontofallmycolleagues,thathehadfaithinmeandknewIhaddonemybest,andthatmylackofexperience,notmylackofability,wasthereasonforthefailure.

‘I left thatmeetingwithmyheadupintheairandwiththedeterminationthatIwouldneverletthatbossofminedownagain.’

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we onlydestroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary French aviationpioneerandauthorAntoinedeSaint-Exupérywrote:‘Ihavenorighttosayordoanythingthatdiminishesamaninhisowneyes.WhatmattersisnotwhatIthinkofhim,butwhathethinksofhimself.Hurtingamaninhisdignityisacrime.’

Arealleaderwillalwaysfollow...

PRINCIPLE5Lettheotherpersonsaveface.

PETEBARLOWWASanoldfriendofmine.Hehadadog-and-ponyactandspenthislifetravellingwithcircusesandvaudevilleshows.IlovedtowatchPetetrainnew dogs for his act. I noticed that the moment a dog showed the slightestimprovement,Petepattedandpraisedhimandgavehimmeatandmadeagreatto-doaboutit.

That’snothingnew.Animal trainershavebeenusing that same techniqueforcenturies.

Why, I wonder, don’t we use the same common sense when trying tochangepeoplethatweusewhentryingtochangedogs?Whydon’tweusemeatinstead of awhip?Why don’twe use praise instead of condemnation?Let uspraiseeventheslightestimprovement.Thatinspirestheotherpersontokeeponimproving.

Inhisbook IAin’tMuch,Baby–But I’mAll IGot, thepsychologistJessLair comments: ‘Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannotflower and growwithout it. And yet, whilemost of us are only too ready toapplytoothersthecoldwindofcriticism,wearesomehowreluctanttogiveourfellowthewarmsunshineofpraise.’1

Icanlookbackatmyownlifeandseewhereafewwordsofpraisehavesharplychangedmyentirefuture.Can’tyousaythesamethingaboutyourlife?Historyisrepletewithstrikingillustrationsofthesheerwitcheryofpraise.

For example, many years ago a boy of ten was working in a factory inNaples.He longed to be a singer, but his first teacher discouraged him. ‘Youcan’tsing,’hesaid.‘Youhaven’tanyvoiceatall.Itsoundslikethewindintheshutters.’

Buthismother,apoorpeasantwoman,putherarmsabouthimandpraisedhimandtoldhimsheknewhecouldsing,shecouldalreadyseeanimprovement,andshewentbarefootinordertosavemoneytopayforhismusiclessons.Thatpeasantmother’s praise and encouragement changed that boy’s life.His namewasEnricoCaruso,andhebecamethegreatestandmostfamousoperasingerofhisage.

In the early nineteenth century, a youngman in London aspired to be a

writer. But everything seemed to be against him. He had never been able toattendschoolmorethanfouryears.Hisfatherhadbeenflunginjailbecausehecouldn’t pay his debts, and this young man often knew the pangs of hunger.Finally, he got a job pasting labels on bottles of blacking in a rat-infestedwarehouse, andhe slept atnight inadismalattic roomwith twootherboys–guttersnipesfromtheslumsofLondon.Hehadsolittleconfidenceinhisabilitytowritethathesneakedoutandmailedhisfirstmanuscriptinthedeadofnightsonobodywould laughathim.Storyafterstorywasrefused.Finally thegreatdaycamewhenonewasaccepted.True,hewasn’tpaidashillingforit,butoneeditorhadpraisedhim.Oneeditorhadgivenhimrecognition.Hewassothrilledthathewanderedaimlesslyaroundthestreetswithtearsrollingdownhischeeks.

The praise, the recognition, that he received through getting one story inprint, changed hiswhole life, for if it hadn’t been for that encouragement, hemighthavespenthisentirelifeworkinginrat-infestedfactories.Youmayhaveheardofthatboy.HisnamewasCharlesDickens.

AnotherboyinLondonmadehislivingasaclerkinadry-goodsstore.Hehadtogetupatfiveo’clock,sweepoutthestore,andslaveforfourteenhoursaday.Itwassheerdrudgeryandhedespisedit.Aftertwoyears,hecouldstanditnolonger,sohegotuponemorningand,withoutwaitingforbreakfast,trampedfifteenmilestotalktohismother,whowasworkingasahousekeeper.

He was frantic. He pleaded with her. He wept. He swore he would killhimself if he had to remain in the shop any longer. Then he wrote a long,patheticlettertohisoldschoolmaster,declaringthathewasheartbroken,thatheno longer wanted to live. His old schoolmaster gave him a little praise andassured him that he really was very intelligent and fitted for finer things andofferedhimajobasateacher.

Thatpraisechangedthefutureofthatboyandmadealastingimpressiononthe history of English literature. For that boy went on to write innumerablebestsellingbooksandmadeoveramilliondollarswithhispen.You’veprobablyheardofhim.Hisname:H.G.Wells.

Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B.F. Skinner’steachings.Thisgreatcontemporarypsychologisthasshownbyexperimentswithanimals and with humans that when criticism is minimised and praiseemphasised,thegoodthingspeopledowillbereinforcedandthepoorerthingswillatrophyforlackofattention.

JohnRingelspaughofRockyMount,NorthCarolina, used this indealingwithhischildren.Itseemedthat,asinsomanyfamilies,motheranddad’schiefform of communication with the children was yelling at them. And, as in somanycases,thechildrenbecamealittleworseratherthanbetteraftereachsuch

session – and so did the parents. There seemed to be no end in sight for thisproblem.

Mr.Ringelspaughdeterminedtousesomeoftheprincipleshewaslearningin our course to solve this situation. He reported: ‘We decided to try praiseinsteadofharpingontheirfaults.Itwasn’teasywhenallwecouldseewerethenegativethingstheyweredoing;itwasreallytoughtofindthingstopraise.Wemanaged to findsomething,andwithin the firstdayor twosomeof the reallyupsettingthingstheyweredoingquithappening.Thensomeoftheirotherfaultsbegantodisappear.Theybegancapitalisingonthepraiseweweregivingthem.Theyevenbegangoingoutoftheirwaytodothingsright.Neitherofuscouldbelieve it. Of course, it didn’t last forever, but the norm reached after thingslevelledoffwassomuchbetter.Itwasnolongernecessarytoreactthewayweusedto.Thechildrenweredoingfarmorerightthingsthanwrongones.’Allofthiswasaresultofpraisingtheslightestimprovementinthechildrenratherthancondemningeverythingtheydidwrong.

This works on the job too. Keith Roper of Woodland Hills, California,appliedthisprincipletoasituationinhiscompany.Somematerialcametohiminhisprintshopwhichwasofexceptionallyhighquality.Theprinterwhohaddonethisjobwasanewemployeewhohadbeenhavingdifficultyadjustingtothe job.Hissupervisorwasupsetaboutwhatheconsideredanegativeattitudeandwasseriouslythinkingofterminatinghisservices.

WhenMr.Roperwasinformedofthissituation,hepersonallywentovertotheprintshopandhadatalkwiththeyoungman.Hetoldhimhowpleasedhewaswiththeworkhehadjustreceivedandpointedoutitwasthebestworkhehadseenproducedinthatshopforsometime.Hepointedoutexactlywhyitwassuperiorandhowimportanttheyoungman’scontributionwastothecompany.

Do you think this affected that young printer’s attitude toward thecompany?Withindays therewasacomplete turn-about.Hetoldseveralofhisco-workers about the conversation and how someone in the company reallyappreciated good work. And from that day on, he was a loyal and dedicatedworker.

WhatMr.Roperdidwasnotjustflattertheyoungprinterandsay‘You’regood.’Hespecificallypointedouthowhisworkwassuperior.Becausehehadsingledoutaspecificaccomplishment,ratherthanjustmakinggeneralflatteringremarks,hispraisebecamemuchmoremeaningfultothepersontowhomitwasgiven.Everybodylikestobepraised,butwhenpraiseisspecific,itcomesacrossassincere–notsomethingtheotherpersonmaybesayingjusttomakeonefeelgood.

Remember,weall crave appreciation and recognition, andwill do almost

anythingtogetit.Butnobodywantsinsincerity.Nobodywantsflattery.Letmerepeat:Theprinciplestaughtinthisbookwillworkonlywhenthey

comefromtheheart. Iamnotadvocatingabagof tricks. Iamtalkingaboutanewwayoflife.

Talking about changing people. If you and Iwill inspire the peoplewithwhomwecomeincontacttoarealisationofthehiddentreasurestheypossess,wecandofarmorethanchangepeople.Wecanliterallytransformthem.

Exaggeration?ThenlistentothesesagewordsfromWilliamJames,oneofthe most distinguished psychologists and philosophers America has everproduced:

Comparedwithwhatweoughttobe,weareonlyhalfawake.Wearemaking use of only a small part of our physical andmentalresources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thuslives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sortswhichhehabituallyfailstouse.

Yes,youwhoarereadingtheselinespossesspowersofvarioussortswhichyouhabituallyfailtouse;andoneofthesepowersyouareprobablynotusingtothefullest extent is your magic ability to praise people and inspire them with arealisationoftheirlatentpossibilities.

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. Tobecomeamoreeffectiveleaderofpeople,apply...

PRINCIPLE6Praisetheslightestimprovementandpraiseeveryimprovement.Be‘hearty

inyourapprobationandlavishinyourpraise.’

1.JessLair,IAin’tMuch,Baby–ButI’mAllIGot(Greenwich,Conn.:Fawcett,1976),p.248.

WHATDOYOUdowhenapersonwhohasbeenagoodworkerbeginstoturninshoddywork?You can fire himor her, but that really doesn’t solve anything.Youcanberate theworker,but thisusuallycausesresentment.HenryHenke,aservicemanagerforalargetruckdealershipinLowell,Indiana,hadamechanicwhosework had become less than satisfactory. Instead of bawling him out orthreateninghim,Mr.Henkecalledhim intohisoffice andhadaheart-to-hearttalkwithhim.

‘Bill,’hesaid,‘youareafinemechanic.Youhavebeeninthislineofworkforagoodnumberofyears.Youhaverepairedmanyvehiclestothecustomers’satisfaction. In fact,we’vehadanumberofcomplimentsabout thegoodworkyou have done.Yet, of late, the time you take to complete each job has beenincreasingandyourworkhasnotbeenup toyourownoldstandards.Becauseyouhavebeensuchanoutstandingmechanicinthepast,Ifeltsureyouwouldwant to know that I am not happywith this situation, and perhaps jointlywecouldfindsomewaytocorrecttheproblem.’

Billrespondedthathehadn’trealisedhehadbeenfallingdowninhisdutiesandassuredhisboss that theworkhewasgettingwasnotoutofhis rangeofexpertiseandhewouldtrytoimproveinthefuture.

Did he do it?You can be sure he did.He once again became a fast andthoroughmechanic.WiththatreputationMr.Henkehadgivenhimtoliveupto,howcouldhedoanythingelsebut turnoutworkcomparable to thatwhichhehaddoneinthepast.

‘Theaverageperson,’saidSamuelVauclain,thenpresidentoftheBaldwinLocomotiveWorks,‘canbeledreadilyifyouhavehisorherrespectandifyoushowthatyourespectthatpersonforsomekindofability.’

Inshort,ifyouwanttoimproveapersoninacertainrespect,actasthoughthat particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.Shakespearesaid‘Assumeavirtue,ifyouhaveitnot.’Anditmightbewelltoassume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them todevelop.Givethemafinereputationtoliveupto,andtheywillmakeprodigiouseffortsratherthanseeyoudisillusioned.

Georgette Leblanc, in her book Souvenirs, My life with Maeterlinck,describesthestartlingtransformationofahumbleBelgianCinderella.

‘A servant girl from a neighbouring hotel broughtmymeals,’ shewrote.‘Shewascalled“MarietheDishwasher”becauseshehadstartedhercareerasasculleryassistant.Shewasakindofmonster,cross-eyed,bandy-legged,poorinfleshandspirit.

‘Oneday,while shewasholdingmyplateofmacaroni inher redhand, Isaidtoherpoint-blank,“Marie,youdonotknowwhattreasuresarewithinyou.”

‘Accustomed to holding back her emotion, Marie waited for a fewmoments,notdaringtorisktheslightestgestureforfearofacatastrophe.Thensheput thedishon the table, sighedand said ingenuously, “Madame, Iwouldnever have believed it.” She did not doubt, she did not ask a question. Shesimplywentback to thekitchenand repeatedwhat Ihadsaid,andsuch is theforceoffaiththatnoonemadefunofher.Fromthatdayon,shewasevengivena certain consideration. But the most curious change of all occurred in thehumbleMarieherself.Believingshewasthetabernacleofunseenmarvels,shebegan taking care of her face and body so carefully that her starved youthseemedtobloomandmodestlyhideherplainness.

‘Twomonthslater,sheannouncedhercomingmarriagewiththenephewofthechef.“I’mgoingtobealady,”shesaid,andthankedme.Asmallphrasehadchangedherentirelife.’

GeorgetteLeblanchadgiven‘MarietheDishwasher’areputationtoliveupto–andthatreputationhadtransformedher.

Bill Parker, a sales representative for a food company inDaytonaBeach,Florida, was very excited about the new line of products his company wasintroducingandwasupsetwhenthemanagerofalargeindependentfoodmarketturneddowntheopportunitytocarryitinhisstore.Billbroodedalldayoverthisrejectionanddecidedtoreturntothestorebeforehewenthomethateveningandtryagain.

‘Jack,’hesaid, ‘sinceI left thismorningI realisedIhadn’tgivenyou theentirepictureofournewline,andIwouldappreciatesomeofyourtimetotellyou about the points I omitted. I have respected the fact that you are alwayswillingtolistenandarebigenoughtochangeyourmindwhenthefactswarrantachange.’

CouldJackrefusetogivehimanotherhearing?Notwiththatreputationtoliveupto.

OnemorningDr.MartinFitzhugh,adentistinDublin,Ireland,wasshockedwhenoneofhispatientspointedouttohimthatthemetalcupholderwhichshewasusingtorinsehermouthwasnotveryclean.True,thepatientdrankfromthepapercup,not theholder,but itcertainlywasnotprofessional touse tarnishedequipment.

Whenthepatientleft,Dr.FitzhughretreatedtohisprivateofficetowriteanotetoBridgit,thecharwoman,whocametwiceaweektocleanhisoffice.Hewrote:

MydearBridgit,Iseeyousoseldom,I thoughtI’dtakethetimetothankyouforthefinejobofcleaningyou’vebeendoing.Bytheway,I thoughtI’dmention that since twohours, twiceaweek, is avery limitedamountof time,please feel free toworkanextrahalfhour fromtime to time if you feel you need to do those ‘once-in-a-while’thingslikepolishingthecupholdersandthelike.I,ofcourse,willpayyoufortheextratime.

‘Thenextday,whenIwalkedintomyoffice,’Dr.Fitzhughreported,‘mydeskhadbeenpolishedtoamirror-likefinish,ashadmychair,whichInearlyslidoutof.WhenIwentintothetreatmentroomIfoundtheshiniest,cleanestchrome-plated cup holder I had ever seen nestled in its receptacle. I had given mycharwomanafinereputationtoliveupto,andbecauseofthissmallgesturesheoutperformedall herpast efforts.Howmuchadditional timedid she spendonthis?That’sright–noneatall.’

Thereisanoldsaying:‘Giveadogabadnameandyoumayaswellhanghim.’Butgivehimagoodname–andseewhathappens!

WhenMrs.RuthHopkins,afourth-gradeteacherinBrooklyn,NewYork,looked at her class roster the first day of school, her excitement and joy ofstarting a new termwas tingedwith anxiety. In her class this year shewouldhaveTommyT., theschool’smostnotorious‘badboy.’His third-grade teacherhadconstantlycomplainedaboutTommytocolleagues,theprincipalandanyoneelsewhowouldlisten.Hewasnotjustmischievous;hecausedseriousdisciplineproblemsintheclass,pickedfightswiththeboys,teasedthegirls,wasfreshtothe teacher, and seemed to get worse as he grew older. His only redeemingfeaturewashisabilitytolearnrapidlyandmastertheschoolworkeasily.

Mrs.Hopkinsdecidedtofacethe‘Tommyproblem’immediately.Whenshegreeted her new students, she made little comments to each of them: ‘Rose,that’saprettydressyouarewearing,’‘Alicia,Ihearyoudrawbeautifully.’Whenshe came toTommy, she looked him straight in the eyes and said, ‘Tommy, Iunderstandyouareanaturalleader.I’mgoingtodependonyoutohelpmemakethisclassthebestclassinthefourthgradethisyear.’ShereinforcedthisoverthefirstfewdaysbycomplimentingTommyoneverythinghedidandcommentingonhowthisshowedwhatagoodstudenthewas.Withthatreputationtoliveup

to,evenanine-year-oldcouldn’tletherdown–andhedidn’t.Ifyouwanttoexcelinthatdifficultleadershiproleofchangingtheattitude

orbehaviourofothers,use...

PRINCIPLE7Givetheotherpersonafinereputationtoliveupto.

A BACHELOR FRIEND ofmine, about forty years old, became engaged, and hisfiancéepersuadedhimtotakesomebelateddancinglessons.‘TheLordknowsIneededdancinglessons,’heconfessedashetoldmethestory,‘forIdancedjustas I did when I first started twenty years ago. The first teacher I engagedprobablytoldmethetruth.ShesaidIwasallwrong;Iwouldjusthavetoforgeteverythingandbeginalloveragain.Butthattooktheheartoutofme.Ihadnoincentivetogoon.SoIquither.

‘Thenextteachermayhavebeenlying,butIlikedit.Shesaidnonchalantlythatmydancingwasabitold-fashionedperhaps,butthefundamentalswereallright,andsheassuredmeIwouldn’thaveanytroublelearningafewnewsteps.The first teacher had discouragedme by emphasisingmymistakes. This newteacherdidtheopposite.ShekeptpraisingthethingsIdidrightandminimisingmyerrors.“Youhaveanaturalsenseofrhythm,”sheassuredme.“Youreallyareanatural-borndancer.”NowmycommonsensetellsmethatIalwayshavebeenandalwayswillbeafourth-ratedancer;yet,deepinmyheart,Istillliketothinkthatmaybe shemeant it.Tobesure, Iwaspayingher tosay it;butwhybringthatup?

‘At any rate, I know I am a better dancer than Iwould have been if shehadn’ttoldmeIhadanaturalsenseofrhythm.Thatencouragedme.Thatgavemehope.Thatmademewanttoimprove.’

Tellyourchild,yourspouse,oryouremployee thatheorshe is stupidordumbatacertainthing,hasnogiftforit,andisdoingitallwrong,andyouhavedestroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the oppositetechnique–beliberalwithyourencouragement,makethethingseemeasytodo,lettheotherpersonknowthatyouhavefaithinhisabilitytodoit,thathehasanundeveloped flair for it – and he will practise until the dawn comes in thewindowinordertoexcel.

LowellThomas,asuperbartistinhumanrelations,usedthistechnique.Hegaveyouconfidence,inspiredyouwithcourageandfaith.Forexample,IspentaweekendwithMr.andMrs.Thomas;andonSaturdaynight,Iwasaskedtositinonafriendlybridgegamebeforearoaringfire.Bridge?Oh,no!No!Notme.I

knewnothingaboutit.Thegamehadalwaysbeenablackmysterytome.No!No!Impossible!

‘Why,Dale,itisnotrickatall,’Lowellreplied.‘Thereisnothingtobridgeexceptmemoryandjudgement.You’vewrittenarticlesonmemory.Bridgewillbeacinchforyou.It’srightupyouralley.’

Andpresto,almostbeforeI realisedwhatIwasdoing, I foundmyself forthefirsttimeatabridgetable.AllbecauseIwastoldIhadanaturalflairforitandthegamewasmadetoseemeasy.

SpeakingofbridgeremindsmeofElyCulbertson,whosebooksonbridgehavebeentranslatedintoadozenlanguagesandhavesoldmorethanamillioncopies.Yethetoldmeheneverwouldhavemadeaprofessionoutofthegameifacertainyoungwomanhadn’tassuredhimhehadaflairforit.

When he came to America in 1922, he tried to get a job teaching inphilosophyandsociology,buthecouldn’t.

Thenhetriedsellingcoal,andhefailedatthat.Thenhetriedsellingcoffee,andhefailedatthat,too.Hehadplayedsomebridge,butithadneveroccurredtohiminthosedays

thatsomedayhewouldteachit.Hewasnotonlyapoorcardplayer,buthewasalsoverystubborn.Heaskedsomanyquestionsandheldsomanypost-mortemexaminationsthatnoonewantedtoplaywithhim.

Then he met a pretty bridge teacher, Josephine Dillon, fell in love andmarriedher.Shenoticedhowcarefullyheanalysedhiscardsandpersuadedhimthathewasapotentialgeniusat thecard table. Itwas thatencouragementandthatalone,Culbertsontoldme,thatcausedhimtomakeaprofessionofbridge.

ClarenceM.Jones,oneoftheinstructorsofourcourseinCincinnati,Ohio,told how encouragement and making faults seem easy to correct completelychangedthelifeofhisson.

‘In1970mysonDavid,whowasthenfifteenyearsold,cametolivewithmeinCincinnati.Hehadledaroughlife.In1958hisheadwascutopeninacaraccident,leavingaverybadscaronhisforehead.In1960hismotherandIweredivorcedandhemovedtoDallas,Texas,withhismother.Untilhewasfifteenhehad spentmost of his school years in special classes for slow learners in theDallas school system. Possibly because of the scar, school administrators haddecidedhewasbrain-injuredandcouldnotfunctionatanormal level.Hewastwoyearsbehindhisagegroup,sohewasonlyintheseventhgrade.Yethedidnotknowhismultiplicationtables,addedonhisfingersandcouldbarelyread.

‘Therewasonepositivepoint.HelovedtoworkonradioandTVsets.Hewanted to become aTV technician. I encouraged this and pointed out that heneededmathstoqualifyforthetraining.Idecidedtohelphimbecomeproficient

in this subject.We obtained four sets of flash cards: multiplication, division,addition and subtraction. As we went through the cards, we put the correctanswers in a discard stack. When David missed one, I gave him the correctanswerandthenputthecardintherepeatstackuntiltherewerenocardsleft.Imade abigdeal out of each cardhegot right, particularly if hehadmissed itpreviously.Eachnightwewouldgothroughtherepeatstackuntiltherewerenocardsleft.Eachnightwetimedtheexercisewithastopwatch.Ipromisedhimthatwhenhecouldgetall thecardscorrect ineightminuteswithno incorrectanswers,wewouldquitdoingiteverynight.ThisseemedanimpossiblegoaltoDavid.Thefirstnightittook52minutes,thesecondnight,48,then45,44,41,thenunder40minutes.Wecelebratedeachreduction.I’dcallinmywife,andwewouldbothhughimandwe’dalldancea jig.At theendof themonthhewasdoingall thecardsperfectly in less thaneightminutes.Whenhemadeasmallimprovementhewouldasktodoitagain.Hehadmadethefantasticdiscoverythatlearningwaseasyandfun.

‘Naturallyhisgradesinalgebratookajump.Itisamazinghowmucheasieralgebraiswhenyoucanmultiply.HeastonishedhimselfbybringinghomeaBin maths. That had never happened before. Other changes came with almostunbelievable rapidity. His reading improved rapidly, and he began to use hisnaturaltalentsindrawing.Laterintheschoolyearhisscienceteacherassignedhim to develop an exhibit. He chose to develop a highly complex series ofmodelstodemonstratetheeffectoflevers.Itrequiredskillnotonlyindrawingandmodelmakingbutinappliedmathematics.Theexhibittookfirstprizeinhisschool’ssciencefairandwasenteredinthecitycompetitionandwonthirdprizefortheentirecityofCincinnati.

‘Thatdidit.Herewasakidwhohadflunkedtwogrades,whohadbeentoldhewas“brain-damaged,”whohadbeencalled“Frankenstein”byhisclassmatesand told his brainsmust have leaked out of the cut on his head. Suddenly hediscoveredhecouldreallylearnandaccomplishthings.Theresult?Fromthelastquarterof theeighthgradeall theway throughhighschool,henever failed tomake the honour roll; in high school he was elected to the national honoursociety.Oncehefoundlearningwaseasy,hiswholelifechanged.’

Ifyouwanttohelpotherstoimprove,remember...

PRINCIPLE8Useencouragement.Makethefaultseemeasytocorrect.

BACKIN1915,Americawasaghast.Formorethanayear, thenationsofEuropehadbeenslaughteringoneanotheronascaleneverbeforedreamedofinallthebloody annals ofmankind.Could peace be brought about?No one knew.ButWoodrow Wilson was determined to try. He would send a personalrepresentative,apeaceemissary,tocounselwiththewarlordsofEurope.

William Jennings Bryan, secretary of state, Bryan, the peace advocate,longed togo.He sawa chance toperformagreat service andmakehis nameimmortal. ButWilson appointed another man, his intimate friend and adviserColonel Edward M. House; and it was House’s thorny task to break theunwelcomenewstoBryanwithoutgivinghimoffence.

‘BryanwasdistinctlydisappointedwhenheheardIwastogotoEuropeasthepeaceemissary,’ColonelHouserecordsinhisdiary.‘Hesaidhehadplannedtodothishimself...

‘I replied that thePresident thought itwouldbe unwise for anyone to dothis officially, and that his going would attract a great deal of attention andpeoplewouldwonderwhyhewasthere...’

You see the intimation? House practically told Bryan that he was tooimportantforthejob–andBryanwassatisfied.

ColonelHouse,adroit,experiencedinthewaysoftheworld,wasfollowingone of the important rules of human relations:Always make the other personhappyaboutdoingthethingyousuggest.

WoodrowWilson followed that policy evenwhen invitingWilliamGibbsMcAdoo to become amember of his cabinet.Thatwas the highest honour hecouldconferuponanyone,andyetWilsonextendedtheinvitationinsuchawayastomakeMcAdoofeeldoublyimportant.HereisthestoryinMcAdoo’sownwords:‘He[Wilson]saidthathewasmakinguphiscabinetandthathewouldbeverygladifIwouldacceptaplaceinitasSecretaryoftheTreasury.Hehadadelightfulwayofputtingthings;hecreatedtheimpressionthatbyacceptingthisgreathonourIwouldbedoinghimafavour.’

Unfortunately,Wilson didn’t always employ such tact. If he had, historymighthavebeendifferent.Forexample,Wilsondidn’tmaketheSenateandthe

RepublicanPartyhappybyenteringtheUnitedStatesintheLeagueofNations.Wilson refused to take such prominent Republican leaders as Elihu Root orCharlesEvansHughesorHenryCabotLodgetothepeaceconferencewithhim.Instead, he took along unknown men from his own party. He snubbed theRepublicans, refused to let themfeel that theLeaguewas their ideaaswellashis, refused to let themhave a finger in the pie; and, as a result of this crudehandling of human relations, wrecked his own career, ruined his health,shortened his life, caused America to stay out of the League, and altered thehistoryoftheworld.

Statesmenanddiplomatsaren’ttheonlyoneswhousethismake-a-person-happy-to-do-things-you-want-them-to-do-approach. Dale O. Ferrier of FortWayne,Indiana,toldhowheencouragedoneofhisyoungchildrentowillinglydothechorehewasassigned.

‘OneofJeff’schoreswastopickuppearsfromunderthepeartreesothepersonwhowasmowingunderneathwouldn’thavetostoptopickthemup.Hedidn’tlikethischore,andfrequentlyitwaseithernotdoneatalloritwasdoneso poorly that the mower had to stop and pick up several pears that he hadmissed.Ratherthanhaveaneyeball-to-eyeballconfrontationaboutit,onedayIsaid to him: “Jeff, I’llmake a deal with you. For every bushel basket full ofpearsyoupickup,I’llpayyouonedollar.Butafteryouarefinished,foreverypearIfindleftintheyard,I’lltakeawayadollar.Howdoesthatsound?”Asyouwouldexpect,henotonlypickedupallofthepears,butIhadtokeepaneyeonhimtoseethathedidn’tpullafewoffthetreestofillupsomeofthebaskets.’

I knew a man who had to refuse many invitations to speak, invitationsextendedbyfriends,invitationscomingfrompeopletowhomhewasobligated;andyethediditsoadroitlythattheotherpersonwasatleastcontentedwithhisrefusal.Howdidhedoit?Notbymerelytalkingaboutthefactthathewastoobusy and too-this and too-that. No, after expressing his appreciation of theinvitation and regretting his inability to accept it, he suggested a substitutespeaker.Inotherwords,hedidn’tgivetheotherpersonanytimetofeelunhappyabouttherefusal.Heimmediatelychangedtheotherperson’sthoughtstosomeotherspeakerwhocouldaccepttheinvitation.

Gunter Schmidt, who took our course in West Germany, told of anemployee in the food store hemanaged who was negligent about putting theproper price tags on the shelveswhere the itemswere displayed. This causedconfusion and customer complaints. Reminders, admonitions, confrontationswithheraboutthisdidnotdomuchgood.Finally,Mr.SchmidtcalledherintohisofficeandtoldherhewasappointingherSupervisorofPriceTagPostingforthe entire store and she would be responsible for keeping all of the shelves

properly tagged. This new responsibility and title changed her attitudecompletely,andshefulfilledherdutiessatisfactorilyfromthenon.

Childish?Perhaps.ButthatiswhattheysaidtoNapoleonwhenhecreatedtheLegionofHonour anddistributed15,000 crosses to his soldiers andmadeeighteenofhisgenerals ‘MarshalsofFrance’ andcalledhis troops the ‘GrandArmy.’Napoleonwascriticisedforgiving‘toys’towar-hardenedveterans,andNapoleonreplied,‘Menareruledbytoys.’

This technique of giving titles and authorityworked forNapoleon and itwillworkforyou.Forexample,afriendofmine,Mrs.ErnestGentofScarsdale,NewYork,was troubledbyboys runningacrossanddestroyingher lawn.Shetriedcoaxing.Neitherworked.Thenshetriedgivingtheworstsinnerintheganga title anda feelingofauthority.Shemadehimher ‘detective’andputhim incharge of keeping all trespassers off her lawn. That solved her problem. Her‘detective’builtabonfireinthebackyard,heatedanironredhot,andthreatenedtobrandanyboywhosteppedonthelawn.

Theeffectiveleadershouldkeepthefollowingguidelinesinmindwhenitisnecessarytochangeattitudesorbehaviour:

1Besincere.Donotpromiseanythingthatyoucannotdeliver.Forgetaboutthebenefitstoyourselfandconcentrateonthebenefitstotheotherperson.2Knowexactlywhatitisyouwanttheotherpersontodo.3.Beempathetic.Askyourselfwhatisittheotherpersonreallywants.4 Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what yousuggest.5Matchthosebenefitstotheotherperson’swants.6.When youmake your request, put it in a form that will convey to theotherpersontheideathathepersonallywillbenefit.Wecouldgiveacurtorder like this: ‘John,wehavecustomerscomingin tomorrowandIneedthestockroomcleanedout.Sosweepitout,putthestockinneatpilesontheshelves and polish the counter.’ Or we could express the same idea byshowingJohnthebenefitshewillgetfromdoingthetask:‘John,wehaveajob that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t befacedwithitlater.Iambringingsomecustomersintomorrowtoshowourfacilities.Iwouldliketoshowthemthestockroom,butitisinpoorshape.Ifyoucouldsweepitout,putthestockinneatpilesontheshelves,andpolishthe counter, itwouldmakeus look efficient and youwill have done yourparttoprovideagoodcompanyimage.’

WillJohnbehappyaboutdoingwhatyousuggest?Probablynotveryhappy,but

happier than ifyouhadnotpointedout thebenefits.Assumingyouknow thatJohnhasprideinthewayhisstockroomlooksandisinterestedincontributingtothecompanyimage,hewillbemore likely tobecooperative. ItalsowillhavebeenpointedouttoJohnthatthejobwouldhavetobedoneeventuallyandbydoingitnow,hewon’tbefacedwithitlater.

It isnaïvetobelieveyouwillalwaysgetafavourablereactionfromotherpersons when you use these approaches, but the experience of most peopleshows thatyouaremore likely to changeattitudes thisway thanbynotusingtheseprinciples–andifyouincreaseyoursuccessesbyevenamere10percent,youhavebecome10percentmoreeffectiveasaleaderthanyouwerebefore–andthatisyourbenefit.

Peoplearemorelikelytodowhatyouwouldlikethemtodowhenyouuse…

PRINCIPLE9Maketheotherpersonhappyaboutdoingthethingyousuggest.

INANUTSHELLBEALEADER

Aleader’sjoboftenincludeschangingyourpeople’sattitudesandbehaviour.Somesuggestionstoaccomplishthis:

PRINCIPLE1Beginwithpraiseandhonestappreciation.

PRINCIPLE2Callattentiontopeople’smistakesindirectly.

PRINCIPLE3Talkaboutyourownmistakesbeforecriticisingtheotherperson.

PRINCIPLE4Askquestionsinsteadofgivingdirectorders.

PRINCIPLE5Lettheotherpersonsaveface.

PRINCIPLE6Praisetheslightestimprovementandpraiseeveryimprovement.Be‘hearty

inyourapprobationandlavishinyourpraise.’

PRINCIPLE7Givetheotherpersonafinereputationtoliveupto.

PRINCIPLE8Useencouragement.Makethefaultseemeasytocorrect.

PRINCIPLE9Maketheotherpersonhappyaboutdoingthethingyousuggest.

This biographical information about Dale Carnegie was written as anintroductiontotheoriginaleditionofHowtoWinFriendsandInfluencePeople.ItisreprintedinthiseditiontogivethereadersadditionalbackgroundonDaleCarnegie.

Itwas a cold January night in 1935, but theweather couldn’t keep themaway. Two thousand five hundred men and women thronged into the grandballroomoftheHotelPennsylvaniainNewYork.Everyavailableseatwasfilledbyhalf-past seven.Ateighto’clock, theeagercrowdwasstillpouring in.Thespacious balcony was soon jammed. Presently even standing space was at apremium,andhundredsofpeople,tiredafternavigatingadayinbusiness,stoodupforanhourandahalfthatnighttowitness–what?

Afashionshow?Asix-daybicycleraceorapersonalappearancebyClarkGable?No.Thesepeoplehadbeen lured therebyanewspaperad.Twoevenings

previously, they had seen this full-page announcement in the New York Sunstaringthemintheface:

LearntoSpeakEffectivelyPrepareforLeadership

Old stuff?Yes, but believe it or not, in themost sophisticated town on earth,during a depression with 20 percent of the population on relief, twenty-fivehundredpeoplehadlefttheirhomesandhustledtothehotelinresponsetothatad.Thepeoplewhorespondedwereoftheuppereconomicstrata–executives,employersandprofessionals.

These men and women had come to hear the opening gun of anultramodern,ultrapracticalcoursein‘EffectiveSpeakingandInfluencingMeninBusiness’–acoursegivenbytheDaleCarnegieInstituteofEffectiveSpeakingandHumanRelations.

Whyweretheythere,thesetwenty-fivehundredbusinessmenandwomen?Becauseofasuddenhungerformoreeducationbecauseofthedepression?Apparentlynot,forthissamecoursehadbeenplayingtopackedhousesin

NewYorkCity every season for the preceding twenty-four years.During that

time, more than fifteen thousand business and professional people had beentrainedbyDaleCarnegie.Evenlarge,sceptical,conservativeorganisationssuchastheWestinghouseElectricCompany,theMcGraw-HillPublishingCompany,theBrooklynUnionGasCompany, theBrooklynChamber of Commerce, theAmerican Institute of Electrical Engineers and the New York TelephoneCompanyhavehadthistrainingconductedintheirownofficesforthebenefitoftheirmembersandexecutives.

Thefact that thesepeople, tenor twentyyearsafter leavinggradeschool,highschoolorcollege,comeandtakethistrainingisaglaringcommentaryontheshockingdeficienciesofoureducationalsystem.

Whatdoadultsreallywanttostudy?Thatisanimportantquestion;and,inorder to answer it, the University of Chicago, the American Association forAdultEducation,and theUnitedY.M.C.A.Schoolsmadeasurveyovera two-yearperiod.

That survey revealed that the prime interest of adults is health. It alsorevealedthattheirsecondinterestisindevelopingskillinhumanrelationships–they want to learn the technique of getting along with and influencing otherpeople. They don’t want to listen to a lot of high-sounding talk aboutpsychology; they want suggestions they can use immediately in business, insocialcontactsandinthehome.

Sothatwaswhatadultswantedtostudy,wasit?‘All right,’ said the peoplemaking the survey. ‘Fine. If that iswhat they

want,we’llgiveittothem.’Lookingroundforatextbook,theydiscoveredthatnoworkingmanualhad

ever been written to help people solve their daily problems in humanrelationships.

Herewasafinekettleoffish!Forhundredsofyears,learnedvolumeshadbeenwrittenonGreekandLatinandhighermathematics– topicsaboutwhichtheaverageadultdoesn’tgivetwohoots.Butontheonesubjectonwhichhehasathirstforknowledge,averitablepassionforguidanceandhelp–nothing!

Thisexplainedthepresenceoftwenty-fivehundredeageradultscrowdinginto thegrandballroomof theHotelPennsylvania in response to anewspaperadvertisement.Here, apparently, at lastwas the thing forwhich they had longbeenseeking.

Backinhighschoolandcollege,theyhadporedoverbooks,believingthatknowledgealonewastheopensesametofinancialandprofessionalrewards.

Buta fewyears in the rough-and-tumbleofbusinessandprofessional lifehadbrought sharpdisillusionment.Theyhad seen someof themost importantbusinesssuccesseswonbymenwhopossessed,inadditiontotheirknowledge,

the ability to talk well, to win people to their way of thinking, and to ‘sell’themselvesandtheirideas.

They soon discovered that if one aspired to wear the captain’s cap andnavigate the ship of business, personality and the ability to talk are moreimportantthanaknowledgeofLatinverbsorasheepskinfromHarvard.

Theadvertisement in theNewYorkSunpromised that themeetingwouldbehighlyentertaining.Itwas.

Eighteenpeoplewhohadtakenthecourseweremarshalledinfrontoftheloudspeaker – and fifteen of them were given precisely seventy-five secondseachtotellhisorherstory.Onlyseventy-fivesecondsoftalk,then‘bang’wentthegavel,andthechairmanshouted,‘Time!Nextspeaker!’

Theaffairmovedwiththespeedofaherdofbuffalothunderingacrosstheplains.Spectatorsstoodforanhourandahalftowatchtheperformance.

The speakerswere a cross section of life: several sales representatives, achainstoreexecutive,abaker,thepresidentofatradeassociation,twobankers,an insurance agent, an accountant, a dentist, an architect, a druggist who hadcomefromIndianapolistoNewYorktotakethecourse,alawyerwhohadcomefrom Havana in order to prepare himself to give one important three-minutespeech.

ThefirstspeakerboretheGaelicnamePatrickJ.O’Haire.BorninIreland,he attended school for only four years, drifted to America, worked as amechanic,thenasachauffeur.

Now, however, he was forty, he had a growing family and neededmoremoney,sohetriedsellingtrucks.Sufferingfromaninferioritycomplexthat,asheput it,waseatinghisheartout,hehad towalkupanddown in frontofanofficehalfadozen timesbeforehecouldsummonupenoughcourage toopenthe door.Hewas so discouraged as a salesman that hewas thinking of goingbacktoworkingwithhishandsinamachineshop,whenonedayhereceivedaletter inviting him to an organisationmeeting of theDaleCarnegieCourse inEffectiveSpeaking.

Hedidn’twanttoattend.Hefearedhewouldhavetoassociatewithalotofcollegegraduates,thathewouldbeoutofplace.

Hisdespairingwifeinsistedthathego,saying,‘Itmaydoyousomegood,Pat.Godknowsyouneedit.’Hewentdowntotheplacewherethemeetingwastobeheldandstoodonthesidewalkforfiveminutesbeforehecouldgenerateenoughself-confidencetoentertheroom.

The first few times he tried to speak in front of the others, hewas dizzywith fear. But as theweeks drifted by, he lost all fear of audiences and soonfoundthathelovedtotalk–thebiggerthecrowd,thebetter.Andhealsolosthis

fearofindividualsandofhissuperiors.Hepresentedhisideastothem,andsoonhehadbeenadvanced into the salesdepartment.Hehadbecomeavaluedandmuch liked member of his company. This night, in the Hotel Pennsylvania,Patrick O’Haire stood in front of twenty-five hundred people and told a gay,rollickingstoryofhisachievements.Waveafterwaveoflaughtersweptovertheaudience.Fewprofessionalspeakerscouldhaveequalledhisperformance.

Thenextspeaker,GodfreyMeyer,wasagrey-headedbanker,thefatherofeleven children. The first time he had attempted to speak in class, he wasliterally struck dumb. His mind refused to function. His story is a vividillustrationofhowleadershipgravitatestothepersonwhocantalk.

HeworkedonWallStreet,andfortwenty-fiveyearshehadbeenlivinginClifton,NewJersey.Duringthattime,hehadtakennoactivepartincommunityaffairsandknewperhapsfivehundredpeople.

ShortlyafterhehadenrolledintheCarnegiecourse,hereceivedhistaxbillandwas infuriatedbywhatheconsideredunjustcharges.Ordinarily,hewouldhave sat at homeand fumed,orhewouldhave taken it out ingrousing tohisneighbours. But instead, he put on his hat that night, walked into the townmeeting,andblewoffsteaminpublic.

Asaresultof that talkof indignation, thecitizensofClifton,NewJersey,urgedhimtorunforthetowncouncil.Soforweekshewentfromonemeetingtoanother,denouncingwasteandmunicipalextravagance.

There were ninety-six candidates in the field. When the ballots werecounted, lo,GodfreyMeyer’s name led all the rest.Almost overnight, he hadbecomeapublicfigureamongthefortythousandpeopleinhiscommunity.Asaresultofhistalks,hemadeeightytimesmorefriendsinsixweeksthanhehadbeenabletopreviouslyintwenty-fiveyears.

Andhissalaryascouncilmanmeantthathegotareturnof1,000percentayearonhisinvestmentintheCarnegiecourse.

The third speaker, the head of a large national association of foodmanufacturers,toldhowhehadbeenunabletostandupandexpresshisideasatmeetingsofaboardofdirectors.

Asaresultoflearningtothinkonhisfeet,twoastonishingthingshappened.He was soon made president of his association, and in that capacity, he wasobliged toaddressmeetingsallover theUnitedStates.Excerpts fromhis talkswere put on the Associated Press wires and printed in newspapers and trademagazinesthroughoutthecountry.

Intwoyears,afterlearningtospeakmoreeffectively,hereceivedmorefreepublicity for his company and its products than he had been able to getpreviouslywith a quarter of amillion dollars spent in direct advertising. This

speakeradmittedthathehadformerlyhesitatedto telephonesomeof themoreimportantbusinessexecutivesinManhattanandinvitethemtolunchwithhim.Butasa resultof theprestigehehadacquiredbyhis talks, these samepeopletelephonedhimandinvitedhimtolunchandapologisedtohimforencroachingonhistime.

The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in thelimelight,raisesoneheadandshouldersabovethecrowd.Andthepersonwhocanspeakacceptablyisusuallygivencreditforanabilityoutofallproportiontowhatheorshereallypossesses.

Amovementforadulteducationhasbeensweepingoverthenation;andthemostspectacularforceinthatmovementwasDaleCarnegie,amanwholistenedto and critiqued more talks by adults than has any other man in captivity.Accordingtoacartoonby‘Believe-It-or-Not’Ripley,hehadcriticised150,000speeches. If that grand total doesn’t impress you, remember that itmeant onetalkforalmosteverydaythathaspassedsinceColumbusdiscoveredAmerica.Or, to put it in otherwords, if all the peoplewhohad spokenbefore himhadused only threeminutes and had appeared before him in succession, itwouldhavetakentenmonths,listeningdayandnight,tohearthemall.

Dale Carnegie’s own career, filled with sharp contrasts, was a strikingexampleofwhatapersoncanaccomplishwhenobsessedwithanoriginal ideaandafirewithenthusiasm.

BornonaMissourifarmtenmilesfromarailway,heneversawastreetcaruntilhewastwelveyearsold;yetbythetimehewasforty-six,hewasfamiliarwith the far-flung corners of the earth, everywhere from Hong Kong toHammerfest; and at one time, he approached closer to the North Pole thanAdmiralByrd’sheadquartersatLittleAmericawastotheSouthPole.

ThisMissouriladwhohadoncepickedstrawberriesandcutcocklebursforfive cents an hour became the highly paid trainer of the executives of largecorporationsintheartofself-expression.

This erstwhile cowboywho had once punched cattle and branded calvesandriddenfencesout inwesternSouthDakota laterwent toLondon toputonshowsunderthepatronageoftheroyalfamily.

Thischapwhowasatotalfailurethefirsthalf-dozentimeshetriedtospeakinpubliclaterbecamemypersonalmanager.MuchofmysuccesshasbeenduetotrainingunderDaleCarnegie.

YoungCarnegiehadtostruggleforaneducation,forhardluckwasalwaysbatteringawayattheoldfarminnorthwestMissouriwithaflyingtackleandabodyslam.Yearafteryear,the‘102’Riverroseanddrownedthecornandsweptawaythehay.Seasonafterseason,thefathogssickenedanddiedfromcholera,

thebottomfelloutofthemarketforcattleandmules,andthebankthreatenedtoforeclosethemortgage.

Sickwithdiscouragement,thefamilysoldoutandboughtanotherfarmneartheStateTeachers’CollegeatWarrensburgh,Missouri.Boardandroomcouldbehad in town for a dollar a day, but young Carnegie couldn’t afford it. So hestayedonthefarmandcommutedonhorsebackthreemilestocollegeeachday.Athome,hemilkedthecows,cutthewood,fedthehogs,andstudiedhisLatinverbsbythelightofacoal-oillampuntilhiseyesblurredandhebegantonod.

Evenwhenhegottobedatmidnight,hesetthealarmforthreeo’clock.Hisfather bred pedigreed Duroc-Jersey hogs – and there was danger, during thebittercoldnights,thattheyoungpigswouldfreezetodeath:sotheywereputinabasket,coveredwithagunnysack,andsetbehind thekitchenstove.True totheirnature, thepigsdemandedahotmealat3A.M.Sowhen thealarmwentoff,DaleCarnegie crawled out of the blankets, took the basket of pigs out totheir mother, waited for them to nurse, and then brought them back to thewarmthofthekitchenstove.

There were six hundred students in State Teachers’ College, and DaleCarnegie was one of the isolated half-dozen who couldn’t afford to board intown.Hewasashamedofthepovertythatmadeitnecessaryforhimtoridebacktothefarmandmilkthecowseverynight.Hewasashamedofhiscoat,whichwas too tight, and his trousers, which were too short. Rapidly developing aninferiority complex,he lookedabout for some shortcut todistinction.He soonsawthattherewerecertaingroupsincollegethatenjoyedinfluenceandprestige– the football and baseball players and the chaps who won the debating andpublic-speakingcontests.

Realising that he had no flair for athletics, he decided towin one of thespeakingcontests.Hespentmonthspreparinghistalks.Hepractisedashesatinthesaddlegallopingtocollegeandback;hepractisedhisspeechesashemilkedthecows;andthenhemountedabaleofhayinthebarnandwithgreatgustoandgesturesharanguedthefrightenedpigeonsabouttheissuesoftheday.

Butinspiteofallhisearnestnessandpreparation,hemetwithdefeatafterdefeat. He was eighteen at the time – sensitive and proud. He became sodiscouraged,sodepressed,thatheeventhoughtofsuicide.Andthensuddenlyhebegantowin,notonecontest,buteveryspeakingcontestincollege.

Otherstudentspleadedwithhimtotrainthem;andtheywonalso.Aftergraduatingfromcollege,hestartedsellingcorrespondencecoursesto

theranchersamongthesandhillsofwesternNebraskaandeasternWyoming.Inspiteofallhisboundlessenergyandenthusiasm,hecouldn’tmakethegrade.HebecamesodiscouragedthathewenttohishotelroominAlliance,Nebraska,in

themiddle of the day, threw himself across the bed, andwept in despair. Helongedtogoback tocollege,he longedtoretreat fromtheharshbattleof life;buthecouldn’t.SoheresolvedtogotoOmahaandgetanother job.Hedidn’thave themoneyfora railroad ticket, sohe travelledona freight train, feedingandwateringtwocarloadsofwildhorsesinreturnforhispassage.AfterlandinginsouthOmaha,hegota jobsellingbaconandsoapand lard forArmourandCompany. His territory was up among the Badlands and the cow and IndiancountryofwesternSouthDakota.Hecoveredhis territoryby freight trainandstagecoachandhorsebackandslept inpioneerhotelswhere theonlypartitionbetween the roomswas a sheet ofmuslin.He studied books on salesmanship,rode bucking bronchos, played poker with the Indians, and learned how tocollectmoney.Andwhen,forexample,aninlandstorekeepercouldn’tpaycashforthebaconandhamshehadordered,DaleCarnegiewouldtakeadozenpairsofshoesoffhisshelf,selltheshoestotherailroadmen,andforwardthereceiptstoArmourandCompany.

Hewouldoftenrideafreight trainahundredmilesaday.Whenthe trainstopped tounload freight,hewoulddashuptown, see threeor fourmerchants,gethisorders;andwhenthewhistleblew,hewoulddashdownthestreetagainlickety-splitandswingontothetrainwhileitwasmoving.

Withintwoyears,hehadtakenanunproductiveterritorythathadstoodinthetwenty-fifthplaceandhadboostedittofirstplaceamongallthetwenty-ninecarroutesleadingoutofsouthOmaha.ArmourandCompanyofferedtopromotehim, saying: ‘Youhaveachievedwhat seemed impossible.’Buthe refused thepromotionandresigned,wenttoNewYork,studiedattheAmericanAcademyofDramaticArts,andtouredthecountry,playingtheroleofDr.HarleyinPollyoftheCircus.

He would never be a Booth or a Barrymore. He had the good sense torecognisethat.Sobackhewenttosaleswork,sellingautomobilesandtrucksforthePackardMotorCarCompany.

Heknewnothingaboutmachineryandcarednothingabout it.Dreadfullyunhappy,hehadtoscourgehimselftohistaskeachday.Helongedtohavetimetostudy,towritethebookshehaddreamedaboutwritingbackincollege.Soheresigned.Hewasgoingtospendhisdayswritingstoriesandnovelsandsupporthimselfbyteachinginanightschool.

Teachingwhat?Ashelookedbackandevaluatedhiscollegework,hesawthat his training in public speaking had done more to give him confidence,courage,poiseandtheabilitytomeetanddealwithpeopleinbusinessthanhadalltherestofhiscollegecoursesputtogether.SoheurgedtheY.M.C.A.schoolsinNewYork to give him a chance to conduct courses in public speaking for

peopleinbusiness.What?Makeoratorsoutofbusinesspeople?Absurd.TheY.M.C.A.people

knew. They had tried such courses – and they had always failed.When theyrefused to pay him a salary of two dollars a night, he agreed to teach on acommission basis and take a percentage of the net profits – if therewere anyprofits to take.Andinsideof threeyears theywerepayinghimthirtydollarsanightonthatbasis–insteadoftwo.

Thecoursegrew.Other ‘Ys’heardof it, thenothercritics.DaleCarnegiesoon became a glorified circuit rider covering New York, Philadelphia,BaltimoreandlaterLondonandParis.Allthetextbooksweretooacademicandimpracticalforthebusinesspeoplewhoflockedtohiscourses.Becauseofthishe wrote his own book entitled Public Speaking and Influencing Men inBusiness, It became the official text of all the Y.M.C.A.s as well as of theAmericanBankers’AssociationandtheNationalCreditMen’sAssociation.

DaleCarnegieclaimedthatallpeoplecantalkwhentheygetmad.Hesaidthatifyouhitthemostignorantmanintownonthejawandknockhimdown,hewouldgetonhisfeetandtalkwithaneloquence,heatandemphasisthatwouldhaverivalledthatworldfamousoratorWilliamJenningsBryanattheheightofhiscareer.Heclaimedthatalmostanypersoncanspeakacceptablyinpublicifheorshehasself-confidenceandanideathatisboilingandstewingwithin.

Thewaytodevelopself-confidence,hesaid,istodothethingyoufeartodo and get a record of successful experiences behind you. So he forced eachclassmembertotalkateverysessionofthecourse.Theaudienceissympathetic.Theyareallinthesameboat;and,byconstantpractice,theydevelopacourage,confidenceandenthusiasmthatcarryoverintotheirprivatespeaking.

DaleCarnegiewouldtellyouthathemadealivingalltheseyears,notbyteachingpublicspeaking–thatwasincidental.Hismainjobwastohelppeopleconquertheirfearsanddevelopcourage.

Hestartedoutatfirsttoconductmerelyacourseinpublicspeaking,butthestudentswhocamewerebusinessmenandwomen.Manyof themhadn’tseentheinsideofaclassroominthirtyyears.Mostofthemwerepayingtheirtuitionon the installment plan. They wanted results and they wanted them quick –results that theycoulduse thenextday inbusiness interviewsand inspeakingbeforegroups.

Sohewas forced tobe swift andpractical.Consequently,hedevelopedasystem of training that is unique – a striking combination of public speaking,salesmanship,humanrelationsandappliedpsychology.

Aslavetonohard-and-fastrules,hedevelopedacoursethatisasrealasthemeaslesandtwiceasmuchfun.

Whentheclassesterminated,thegraduatesformedclubsoftheirownandcontinued to meet fortnightly for years afterwards. One group of nineteen inPhiladelphiamet twice amonth during thewinter season for seventeen years.Classmembersfrequentlytravelfiftyorahundredmilestoattendclasses.OnestudentusedtocommuteeachweekfromChicagotoNewYork.

ProfessorWilliam James of Harvard used to say that the average persondevelopsonly10percentofhislatentmentalability.DaleCarnegie,byhelpingbusinessmenandwomentodeveloptheirlatentpossibilities,createdoneofthemostsignificantmovementsinadulteducation.

LowellThomas1936

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Firstpublishedin1953byCedarFirstpublishedbyVermilion,animprintofEburyPublishing,in1998

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