Jon Stewart

Mr. Secretary meet me at camera three. “Goodness gracious.” Mr. Secretary, we are three years into what may be the worst managed war in American history. What’s up with the “Gollies” and the “Oh my’s.” Those are apt for, say, when your pen leeks. We are in what, to be honest, could be called a catastrofuck. As a matter of fact I would say this is a situation that calls for colorful language. I think we actually moved past up shit’s creek about two and a half years ago. Most people think we’re just plain fucked, double-fucked.

So “gee willikers,” “gollie goodness,” “jeepers creepers”—that doesn’t do it. Other people just want to open their mouths and yell “You incompetent mother fucker!” but nothing comes out, nothing comes out, because the pain in their hearts has rendered them mute. I would venture to say there’s not a man alive who would refer to anything relating to Iraq or the War on Terror or The Pentagon with anything associated with the word “golly.”

I guess what I am saying is Jesus #%#Y%&@.

The Two Clowns: “Auguste” (Stewart, left) and “White” (Colbert, right)

Jon Stewart

Larry Wilmore, John Oliver, John Hodgman, Aasif Mandvi (clockwise from left)

The Daily ShowIran’s Holocaust Denial Conference

.12/13/06 (226-503)

The Daily ShowAasif Mandvi on Dubai.3/12/07 (722-828)

Stewart: Our Senior New Correspondent Aasif Mandvi is stationed in Dubai. He joins us now. . . . This move by Haliburton . . .

Mandvi: Jon, actually it’s now Al-ee-bre-toon.Stewart: Why are they moving to Dubai?Mandvi: Why does anyone move anywhere? Great public schools.Stewart: That’s a joke, right?Mandvi: Oh, god, yes. Truthfully it’s boredom. Haliburton has gone

as far as it’s going to go in America. Our corporate culture, while at times corrupt, lacks that perverse edge of gluttonous Caligulan decadence you can only get in a country where Michael Jackson is the ideal immigrant. They welcomed him with open boys.

Stewart: That’s not on our statue of liberty. [Audible disgust from the audience]. What can the company do now that it couldn’t do before?

Mandvi: In America Haliburton is still bound by certain laws, both corporate and moral. Here, it’s a freer atmosphere. Let’s say you’re trying to get a business deal done: in America, you take the CEO to dinner, you play a little golf. Know what really closes the deal? When you let someone fuckin kill an endangered white rhino.

Stewart: You can do that there?Mandvi: I know a guy.Stewart: When is the move?Mandvi: As soon as their corporate headquarters is completed.

[We see an artist’s rendering of Skull Island.]

The Daily ShowJohn Oliver on ironic distance.

12/4/06 (657-1016)

Giving and Taking Offence, University of Aveio, Portugal

The Daily ShowJohn Oliver on Bush’s offer to

have Rove appear before the congress.

3/21/07 (602-949)

Stewart: This offer by the President . . .Oliver: It’s a major concession from the President’s initial

offer to congress which was that they go fuck themselves.Stewart: That was his first offer?Oliver: That was his first three.Stewart: But you know John you are not allowed to lie to

Congress under any circumstances, so why not let them go and testify under oath.

Oliver: Because the White House is adamant that they retain the right, if they so choose, to lie.

Stewart: To lie?Oliver: To lie without consequences—it’s executive privilege.

. . .

Stewart: John it strikes me, and I don’t mean to be rude here, as bull shit.

Oliver: Bull shit or bull fact? Look Jon, if Karl Rove knew he’d one day be forced to testify under oath about advice he gave the President, he would have to he’d have to limit that advice to things that weren’t shameful, illegal, or spectacularly boneheaded. Jon, I don’t think that’s what Thomas Jefferson had in mind when he wrote: “The princes who have done great things are the ones who have been known to turn men’s brains with guile.”

Stewart: I think actually that was Machiavelli.Oliver: If I may quote Stalin, “Does it really matter whose idea it

was?”Stewart: I think that was actually Tony Snow yesterday.Oliver: Great minds.

Stewart: I don’t know why Karl Rove can’t just walk up to Congress, put his hand on the bible, and tell the fuckin’ truth.

Oliver: That is all very well John, but I think we all remember what happened the last time he did that. [We see an open bible with an imprint of a hand burnt into its pages.] The room smelled like burnt bacon for three weeks.

The Daily ShowJason Jones reports on a

dismissed gay Arabic translator.

9/18/06 (552-1144)