KoLCYOA1linked

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Your head pounds like the largest and most arrhythmichippy drum circle ever as you slowly regain conscious-ness. Youre lying in a puddle of vomit in a sleazy back-

alley somewhere. You dont know if its your own vomitor someone elses in fact, youre not sure of much ofanything, up to and including where you are, how yougot here, or even -- dun dun dunnnn!-- who you are!

As you lie there pondering your fate, a half-orc hoboshuffles up to you. Hey buddy... you got any meat?

Meat? you ask. What... why would I be carryingaround meat?

Ah, I see, replies the hobo, grinning toothlessly. You

must have amnesia. Tats common in these situations-- it offers a reasonable context for the large amount ofexposition that is necessary to explain the backstory.Meat, you see, is what we use for currency around here.We also use it to smith weapons, fuel our automobiles,and as a sticky paste that can be used to glue objectstogether. You got any?

Here? Where is here?

Why, this is the Kingdom of Loathing, friend. And byyour garb, I can see than an adventurer is you!

As the opening theme music starts to play, the followingchoices present themselves to you:

o give the hobo some meat, go to section 53o leave the Sleazy Back-Alley, go to section 49o cross-dress in an effort to get kicked out of theArmy, go to section 8.o skip this whole thing and start actually playingKingdom of Loathing, go to kingdomofloathing.comand sign up a free account. Its free!

An Adventurer Is You!

Kingdom of Loathing

The Home Game*

*Okay, that kind of assumes that you dont have aninternet connection at home, otherwise Kingdom ofLoathing itselfwould be the home game. So, maybe thisis Te Not At Home Game, or possibly Te At WorkGame, although lots of people play Kingdom of Loathingat work, too.

How about I just call it Te Somewhere Where YouDont Have An Internet Connection Game? Actually,youre probably reading this in your hotel room at theSan Diego Comic Con, so lets call it Te Hotel RoomAt Te San Diego Comic Con (Assuming Your HotelRoom Doesnt Get Internet) Game. Tats pretty good.
http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/http://www.kingdomofloathing.com/


2/16

1

You are attacked by a spooky vampire! Hewants to saaaahhhk your blaaaahd. Hes aterrifying apparition, even though he talks likea cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger andCount Chocula.

You manage to get the jump on him, but he shrugs off yourfeeble blows and uses his spooky hypnotic eyes on you tomake you smack yourself in the head. Ow! Oof! Argh!

You lose the fight. You slink away, dejected and humiliated.

Youve had the crap beaten out of you. Youre going toneed some more crap. Well, actually, youre going toneed some skills if you want to beat this guy.

o join a Guild, go to Section 75If you have no short-term memory, go to Section 1

2

You start to sing the very long, very sad song abouthow hard it is to hold onto a candle when its raining inBoozember. Te harem girls hold up lit torches and swayback and forth. After about ten minutes, right as youreabout to hit the awesome guitarrr solo, you look aroundand notice that everyones fast asleep.

You look around for the Plot Device and dont see it.Now what?

o go back to the entryway, go to Section 43o try a different song, go to Section 28o get out of the Knob and search elsewhere, go toSection 20

3

Are you in possession of a pair of Knob Goblin HaremGirl pants?

If so, go to section 60Otherwise, go to section 50

4

Te suspicious-looking guy hands youthe bottle. Excellent, man. You needany more, you just let me know. Ill hookyou up.

He disappears into the shadows.

Go to section 75

5Very well, Gunther says. First, you must prove yourworth by doing a series of bizarre and menial tasks.

Gunther makes you carry a pot of beans across the room,then arm-wrestle the janitor, then eat an entire 72-ouncesteak in one sitting. As you sit alternately rubbing yoursore muscles and your distended stomach, Gunther givesyou a hearty slap on the back. Well done! he says. Letme introduce you to org, our trainer. Hell show

you the basics of being a mighty, muscular, mazingSeal Clubber.

Seal Clubber? you ask. But I like seals theyre suchcute little animals, especially on Easter and Christmas.

No, Gunther says, the seals

here are giant, fire-breathing,devilish beasts. If you dont clubthem, theyll eat you alive. Justlet org give you the basics beforeyou ask stupid questions.

org takes you into the training room and teaches you thebasics of weaponsmithing (as well as weaponjonesing).He also teaches you an attack technique called a Trust-Smack, which involves thrusting your seal clubbing clubout and smacking an opponent with it. Which doesntsound revolutionary, but somehow you do it better after

your lessons.

Looks like youre ready to go, Seal Clubber, org says.If you havent already, you should probably visit theCouncil and see if they have a quest for you.

If you havent been given a quest by the Council yet,go to section 22Otherwise, go to section 20

6

Te clanking of weights, the bulging of biceps, and theodor of sweaty people lifting weights and bulging theirbiceps assaults your senses as you walk into Te Brother-hood of the Smackdown. A very large man carrying avery large axe walks up to you, presumably to axe yousome questions. Greetings, adventurer, he says. Hesounds a little like an Austrian bodybuilder with a headcold, but thats a little tricky to render in text. My nameis Gunther, the Lord of the Smackdown! Are you here tolearn the mighty muscular ways of our guild?

o join the Brotherhood of the

Smackdown, go to Section 5o return to the street, go toSection 75

7

As you enter the copse of the Deep Fat Friars, you areambushed by a W Imp. As imps go, hes not particularlytough. In fact, hes not even particularly effectual. Hetries to limp-wristedly slap you, but you firm-wristedlyblock him.

You start to wind up for a Trust-Smack, but realize thisguys totally not worth the trouble, and just thump himon the head with your club instead. He goes out like alight. BAM! SOCK! CRUNCH!

You win the fight!

You search, but the Obvious Plot Device isnt here. Hmph.

o return to the Distant Woods, go to section 26

o head somewhere else, go to section 20


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8

Er, we were just kidding about that. Go back to the frontand pick something else, okay?

9

You follow the path for a while, and come upon a rathercorpulent man in a brown robe, with his head shaved in

a tonsure. He bows to you, and says Greetings to you,fellow traveller.

Hello, you reply. Are you travelling too?

Are we not all travellers upon the pathways of life?

Tats pretty deep. And youre pretty fat. You must beone of the Deep Fat Friars.

He bows again. Indeed I am. And I must warn you, ourcopse has been beset by foul creatures of the netherworld.o continue upon this path could mean your doom.

Your corpse?

No, copse.As in a groveof trees.

Ah.

You thank him for the warning, but continue onwardanyway. How bad could it be?

Heres your chance to find out:If youre a Pastamancer, go to section 58If youre a Disco Bandit, go to section 34If youre a Seal Clubber, go to section 7If you dont have a class, say your prayers and go tosection 16

10

You are attacked by one of the spookiest mummies youveever seen! Well, that isnt saying much, though, sinceyouve never found mummies to be particularly spooky. I

mean, Oh noes! Ill have to walk slightly faster if I wantto escape!

While youre standing around mocking it, though, it getsthe jump (or perhaps shamble) on you. It wraps you upin bandages, then pulls the end of it really fast so youspin around and fall down. And hit your head on a pass-ing rock. Ow! Ouch! Ooh!

Fortunately, you recall what org taughtyou back in section 5, and you work upa thrust-smack that knocks the SpookyMummy all the way back to BFE. POW!BAM! SOCKO!

You win the fight!

You search around for a while, but cantfind the Obvious Plot Device anywhere. Darn.

o return to the Distant Woods: go to section 26o try your luck somewhere else: go to section 20

11

You stroll into the Councilof Loathing. You see fivemen behind a curiouslylarge desk regarding you

with a series of stares of various degrees of blankness andinscrutability. It kind of looks like a little less than half

of Da Vincis Last Supper. Greetings, adventurer, theCouncilman on the left says. We have a quest for you.Dont worry, its not for fire or anything.

He produces a picture of some kind of bizarre conglom-eration of gears and levers. Tis is obviously a deviceused for incredibly accurately plotting points on a map.It was stolen from Degrassi Knoll. Te Degrassi Gnollsare very eager to have it returned. If you can find it forus, well reward you handsomely. Adventurer, will youhelp us find Te Obvious Plot Device?

o accept the quest, go to section 36o check out the rest of Seaside own instead,go to section 75

12

You stand around in the alley for a while longer. Teresthe puddle of unidentified vomit you were lying in. Overin the corner theres a large pile of miscellaneous trash.And look! Is that yes! A rat!

Such a lovely place. Its a real shame you didnt bring your

camera. At least youll have fond memories to share withyour grandchildren.

o leave the alley, go to section 49o hang around a little longer, go to section 12

13

You spend a few hours drinking beer andtelling jokes with a bunch of Orcish fratboys. Tey find you funny enough to buyall of your drinks, and they never evencome close to realizing that youre making

fun of them.

Entertaining, but it doesnt get you any closer to findingthe Obvious Plot Device.

o return to the Distant Woods, go to section 26o screw around in the ypical avern some more,return to section 33

14

You enter the Department of Shadowy Arts and Crafts

and squint into its dimly lit interior. At first, you thinkthe place is deserted, but as your ears adjust you hearfaint rustling noises around you.

A hand taps you on the left shoulder, and you whiparound to find no one there. Ten you hear a voicefrom your right. Greetings, adventurer, it says, all oilycharm. You turn and see a man wearing a domino mask.My name is Shifty, the Tief Chief. Chief Tief? Imnever sure which. Anyway, heres your wallet back. Oh,


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and your pants. Are you here to learn the moxious arts ofthe Disco Bandit?

o join the Department of Shadowy Arts and Crafts,go to Section 42o go back to the street, go to section 75

15ell you what, kid, you say. Its all well and good toface your fears, step up to your rival, and impress thegirl. If youre in a movie, that is. But this is real life, andin real life youre going to get stomped unless you cheat.How about I arrange for that frat boy to have a littleaccident?

I dont know well, what kind of accident?

And thus, just as it looks like the poor kid is going to losethe race, his opponent suddenly catches on fire, turnsinto a frog, gets scurvy, then trips and falls. Oops.

o go back to the anklehills of Mt. McLargeHuge,go to Section 72o experience a glitch in the Matrix, go to Section 70o get off the mountain and search elsewhere, go toSection 20

16

As you enter the copse of the Deep Fat Friars, a big redninja with horns appears before you. I am the Demonin-

ja, he says. Allow me to demonstrate the myriad ways inwhich I can whoop your ass. He proceeds to slice, dice,and make julienne fries out of your ass, as promised. Ow!

Argh! Ouch!

You lose the fight. You slink away, dejected and humili-ated.



17

In an effort to impress the ladies (or guys, orwhatever you happen to be into), you per-form your famous Levitating Martini trick.Unfortunately, by the time youve shownthem the trick enough times to genuinelyimpress them, youre also doing your famousSlurred Speech trick.

No smooches for you. Darn it.

o return to the Distant Woods, go to section 26o hang around the avern a while longer, returnto 33

18

Gorgonzola puts you through the rials of Admittance,which consist of such tasks as pulling 10 meat out of

his ear, and making a sandwich using only the powerof your mind. Long story short, you pass. Short storylong? Anything by Dickens. Anyway, Gorgonzola smilesbenevolently at you. Welcome to the League of Chef-Magi, adventurer. I sense that you will make an excellentPastamancer.

A female wizard wielding a largepasta-spoon approaches, and Gorgon-zola introduces her as Brie, the Leaguestrainer. Over the next few hours, sheteaches you the basics of Noodlecraft, aswell as an offensive spell called MinorRay of Something, which will probablycome in handy, otherwise we wouldnt

have bothered to tell you about it. She then hands youyour official pasta-spoon, and says, Good luck in yourtravels, adventurer. If you havent already, I suggest youvisit the Council of Loathing, as they may have a quest or

something for you. Tey usually do.


19

You decide that quests and adventures arent really whatyoure looking for. Maybe youll just wander aroundthe Kingdom for awhile and see what ha-- WHOOPS!Youve fallen down an open manhole and been eaten by a

manticore. You respawn outside of the council. Maybeyou should just accept the damn quest,already. I mean, otherwise, why are youeven reading this?

o accept the quest, go to section 61

20

Standing at the edge of Seaside own, you pull out yourmap and consider your options.

Tose options are:

Journey to Degrassi Knoll, where all the troublestarted: go to section 48Journey to the mysterious Cobbs Knob: go to sec-tion 43Journey to the more-or-less equally mysteriousDistant Woods: go to section 26Journey to Mt. McLargehuge, which makes up for itslack of mysteriosity with its largeness and hugeness:go to section 72

21

You stand up on stage, swivel your hips, and start singing.Its completely ordinary / to have someone show affec-tion, you sing, making your voice as deep and virile asyou can. Its completely ordinary / to enjoy the companyof another person. For some reason, this whips theharem girls into a frenzy. Tey start taking off their pantsand throwing them at you! You manage to dodge the fly-ing clothing through the rest of the song, then grab a pairof pants in case you need em later.


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You acquire an item: Knob Goblin harem pants. Re-member that, because its hard to put an inventory screenin a booklet like this.

While the girls are still swooning, you search the haremfor the Plot Device. Its not here now whatre yougoing to do?


22

You stroll into the Council ofLoathing. You see five menbehind a curiously large deskregarding you with a seriesof stares of various degrees ofblankness and inscrutability. Itkind of looks like a little lessthan half of Da Vincis LastSupper. Greetings, adven-

turer, the Councilman on the left says. Ah, I see yourenot new to the Kingdom. Good to see someone who hasa little experience in the world, if you know what I mean.We have a quest for you. Dont worry, its not for fire oranything.

He produces a picture of some kind of bizarre conglom-

eration of gears and levers. Tis is obviously a deviceused for plotting points on a map with incredible ac-curacy. It was stolen from Degrassi Knoll. Te DegrassiGnolls are very eager to have it returned. If you can findit for us, well reward you handsomely. Adventurer, willyou help us find Te Obvious Plot Device?

o accept the quest, go to section 61o refuse the quest, go to section 19

23

A whirling tornado of blades, chains, and spikes suddenly

hurtles toward you from the shadowy corner of thetemple. You think maybe theres a ninja snowman in themiddle of all that flashing steel, but its hard to tell... ifthere is, he must have about twelve arms.

He gets the jump on you andstrangles you mercilessly with alength of chain while simultane-ously skewering your nipple andyour elbow with razor-sharp blades.Oof! Ow! Ouch! Owie!

You remember your training and thrust-SMACKwith your seal-clubbing club. BIFF! SOCKO! POW!KABLOOIE!

You wince sympathetically as he accidentally grabs thebladed end of his weapon instead of the handle, and takethe opportunity to hit him with another solid thrust-smack! BOOM! WHACK! KERFLUGGEN!

Te snowman falls to the floor, his ridiculously complexweapon smacking him soundly on the noggin.

You win the fight!

Te rest of the Ninja Snowmen bow to you -- well, aswell as someone whose body is three big snowballs can

bow. You have proven yourself in combat, honorableadventurer, one says. You may request anything of usthat we can provide.

Do you have the Obvious Plot Device? you ask. Ihave been charged with returning it to the Knoll.

It is with great sorrow that I admit that I have it,another Ninja Snowman says. I thought it was very neatand shiny, so I stole it from the Knoll. I will return it toyou, then commit ritualistic seppuku. He hands youthe Plot Device, then looks for somewhere to plug in a

hair-dryer.

Youve got the Plot Device! You turn around and skipout of the Ninja Snowmans lair.

More specifically, you skip out of the lair and over toDegrassi Knoll, which is in Section 48.

24

I dont have the Plot Device yet, you say. I thought Idsearch here and see if it was an inside job.

Dummkopf! the gnoll shouts. Dont you think wevealready searched the entire knoll? Were the guys who gotit stolen from us, not the guys who stole it! Get outtahere and dont come back without it!

You think thats a little rude from someone out whomyoure trying to help, but its clear you cant do anythingmore here.

o return to the Seaside own and pick a new loca-tion, go to Section 20.

25

You cross the bridge over theOrc Chasm, marveling at theSmut Orcs toiling below you.Whatever theyre delivering,youre sure you dont want anyof it. As you near the end ofthe bridge, you see hideous creatures skulking, lurking,and sklurking around. It looks like this valley is overrunby the most unpleasant monsters youve ever seen.

At least theyre not rushing up to attack you. No, waityes, yes they are.

If youre a Seal Clubber, turn to Section 66.If youre a Pastamancer, turn to Section 62.If youre a Disco Bandit, turn to Section 56If you have no class, turn to Section 35.


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7/16

32

You wander into the kitchens under Cobbs Knob. Yousee many Knob Goblin chefs making tasty dishes out ofKnob Sausage and other equally appealing ingredients.As you squint through the steam and your ears adjustto the clanking of spoons on pots, the scenery suddenlyshifts around you -- looks like youre entering a combat

round!

If you are a Seal Clubber, go to Section 38If you are a Pastamancer, turn to Section 65If you are a Disco Bandit, turn to Section 74If you have no class, go to Section 54. Ten go toDetroit.

33

After a short stroll through the Woods, you come to thelocal wretched hive of scum and villainy that is the ypicalavern. Well, okay, its not all that wretched really, andthe Orcish Frat Boys (while they do tend to be dicks)arent exactly what youd call villainous, and they cleanthe scum off the glasses regularly every fortnight. So,I guess its the local reasonably-decent hive of slight dingi-ness and, um, drunk frat boys.

Anyway, so, youre in a bar. Whatdo you do?Belly up to the bar: go to section 13Go lookin for love in this specificwrong place: go to section 17

Chat with the mysterious cloaked figure in thecorner: go to section 64Blow this pop stand: go to section 26

34

As you enter the copse of the Deep Fat Friars, you areambushed by a P Imp. Lemme tell you, this imp be sty-lin. He advances toward you, tossing his cane from handto hand, and says something about you having his meat.

He starts to pimpslap you, but you nimbly dodge hisblow and counter with a particularly vicious Disco Eye-

Poke, proving once again that pimpin aint easy. POW!BIFF! BLAM!

You win the fight!

You make a thorough searchof the area, but dont find theObvious Plot Device. Tatfigures. Itll probably be in thelast place you look, you know.

o go back to the DistantWoods, return to section 26o try another location entirely, go to section 20

35

Youre fighting an Anime Smiley

Tis innocent combination of Shift+6 and the underscorehas somehow mutated into a freakish grinning face.OMG kawaiiiii!!!111! In addition to being evil and cute,

its also a joke thats much, much funnier if youre online,and current in gamer and Japanese culture. Youre defi-nitely not the former, and may or may not be the latter.What Im trying to say, here, is cut me some slack, okay?

It gets the jump on you.

omg it zerg rushes j00 in tehnipple. kekekekeke! Ouch!Ooooof! Yipe yipe yipe!

You flail madly with your arms and legs, but cant seemto connect.

LOL it pwnz0r3d j00!!!!111!!!(one)!!(eleven)

It appears youve lost the fight, if my translations correct.

Youve had the crap beaten out of you. Youre going to

need some more crap. Well, actually, youre going toneed some skills if you want to beat this guy.

o join a Guild, go to Section 75If the little plastic castle is a surprise every time, goto Section 35

36

Of course, you say. Tis sounds like an adventurousquest, and adventures and quests are what I live for. Er,are the things for which I live.

You should probably pick a guild and talk to thembefore you go, the Council says. Visit the League ofChef-Magi to become a Pastamancer, Te Brotherhoodof the Smackdown to become a mighty Seal Clubber, andthe Department of Shadowy Arts and Crafts to become amoxious Disco Bandit. One of them hands you a map ofthe Kingdom and politely pushes you out the door.

o go to the League of Chef-Magi, go to section 59o go to the Brotherhood of the Smack-Down, goto section 6

o go to the Department of Shadowy Arts andCrafts, go to section 14You dont need no steenking guilds. Go to section 20

37

Lars burst through the doors to the boudoir, his chestheaving, his sword at the ready. He thought he was pre-pared for whatever he might find there, but he was stilltaken aback when he parted the heavy curtains aroundthe giant four-post bed. Hilda lay there, her bosomsheaving, her milky-white skin gleaming in the moonlight.

ake me Lars, she said. You know what you have beensearching for all these years. I will offer it to you freely.

But my lady, Lars stammered, I am unaccustomed tothe ways of women. I am a warrior, and I have alwaysbeen such. I know only blood and death.

Ten come, take my virgin blood, and give me my littledeath, Hilda moaned --
http://www.ci.detroit.mi.us/http://www.ci.detroit.mi.us/http://www.ci.detroit.mi.us/


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Wait a minute. Where the hell are you? How did youget here? You may ask yourself that.

Id strongly suggest you back away slowly -- to oh, letssay Section 20 -- and tell no one what you saw here.

38

Youre fighting a Knob Goblin Bar-becue eam, a deadly combinationof a neophyte Knob Goblin Chefand a magically animated barbecuegrill. Sometimes these things arefriendly, but this one appears to bepretty aggressive. In fact, it gets thejump on you.

Te Chef dips his barbecue tongs into the coals of thegrill, then tries to grab your arm with them, but yousidestep with panache. Ten you put down the panache.

You thrust and smack with your seal-clubbing club, justlike org taught you to. SOCKO! BIFF! KAPOW!BAM!

You win the fight!

You gruffly address the rest of the apprentice chefs.rip-trap! you say, then decide to be a little less gruff.Okay, guys, wheres the Obvious Plot Device?

Tey claim its not here, and a quick search reveals thattheyre telling the truth. Great, now what?

o return to the entryway of Cobbs Knob, go toSection 43o return to the town and pick a new location, goto Section 20

39

Youre fighting one of the Ninja Snowmen of Mt.McLargeHuge. Tese ninjas are as cold as ice, and willingto sacrifice your love. And by love, I mean life.

He gets the jump on you, then focuses his chi and hitsyou with a chis ball. Ow! Oof! Ouch!

You reach up and poke the Ninja Snowman right in hiscoal-button eye. BIFF! SOCKO! BAM! KABONG!

You win the fight!

Te rest of the Ninja Snowmen bow to you -- well, aswell as someone whose body is three big snowballs canbow. You have proven yourself in combat, honorableadventurer, one says. You may request anything of usthat we can provide.

Do you have the Obvious PlotDevice? you ask. Tey put theirsnowy heads together and confer.

We regret to inform you that wehave not seen it, one says. Imafraid we are not the snowmen

you are looking for. He waves a twiggy arm and youreconvinced hes telling the truth.

o return to the anklehills of Mt. McLargeHuge, goto Section 72.o return to the town and pick a new location, goto Section 20.

40

You play a beat on the back of the acoustic guitarrr andspeak rapidly over it. I like ample posteriors and amincapable of prevarication, you say. You other goblinscant dissent -- my mistress is advanced in the rear!

Te harem girls wave their hands in the air indifferently.Apparently, they just dont care about the tune -- youprobably shouldnt tell anybody its your song. You keepplaying as the room slowly clears, then take the opportu-nity to search for the Plot Device.

Looks like it isnt here -- now whatre you gonna do?


41

Roaring mightily, a Wolfman leaps at youfrom the bushes, and lycanthropes you right

in the kidney!Argh! Oof! Ow!

Realizing that youll have to make use ofyour Disco Bandit skills to have any chanceof staying alive, you send him reeling with aDisco Eye-Poke and follow up with a viciouskick to the nards. Yep, Wolfmans got nards.BAM! POW! BARF!

You win the fight!

You grab the half-unconscious wolfman by the scruff of

the neck and shake him a bit. All right, dogbreath! Imlooking for the Obvious Plot Device, and youre gonnatell me where to find it, see? Dont make me use thisrolled-up newspaper!

Te wolfman whines and points to a freshly-dug patchof earth under a nearby tree. You grub through it for aminute, turning up a couple of soup bones, a chewed-uptennis ball, some grubs, and the Obvious Plot Device!Woo-hoo!

Better get that back to Degrassi Knoll, pronto. Its at section 48

42

Shifty puts you through a series of trials to gauge howmoxious you are. You steal a wallet from another guildmember, swipe a beer from a bar behind a bar (the barbehind the bar growls at you, but you manage to escape),and steal your own pants without alerting yourself. Afteryou finish, Shifty introduces you to a piece of furniture


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in the corner, which stands up and reveals itself as a verystealthy fellow thief.

Greetings, adventurer, he says. My name is Lefty.He shakes your hand with the steel hook he has insteadof a right hand. He then trains you in the mixing offlammable beverages, and teaches you the art of the Disco

Eye-Poke. You learn that in a fight, a Disco Bandit willstrike a pose with one hand pointing straight in the airand the other pointing straight down on the other side,then use the higher hand to viciously poke his (or her)opponent in the eye. Tat seems like fighting dirty toyou, but then you realize thats exactly the point.

Congratulations, Disco Bandit, Lefty says. Looks likeyoure ready to go. If you havent seen the Council yet,you should go talk to them. Tey might have a quest foryou, hint hint.


43

You wander into the curiouslyunguarded interior of CobbsKnob. You note that the place is a lot bigger on theinside than the outside, but it smells just as bad. Teresan empty suit of armor standing in one corner and littorches spaced around the interior of the entrance cave:

you know, all those homey little touches that really makea dirt-walled hovel a home.

You see three different hallways branching out from theentryway, each with a sign written in the eldritch, ancientrunes of the Knob Goblins. Tankfully, for some reasonthe eldritch, ancient runes of the Knob Goblins lookexactly like normal text. Its even in the same font as therest of the book youre reading.

o follow the sign marked reasury, go to Section27

o follow the sign marked Harem, go to Section28o follow the sign marked Kitchens, go to Section32o try a different location, go to Section 20

44

Youre fighting a Knob Goblin Bean Counter, one of theaccountants of Cobbs Knob. Tey havent been as busysince inflation pushed beans out of the Kingdoms curren-cy. Hes certainly not too busy to get the jump on you.

He tries to bean you with a sack full of beans, but fails.Looks like hes a has-bean. In response, youthrust and smack with your seal-clubbingclub, just like org taught you to. SOCKO!BIFF! KAPOW! BAM!

You win the fight!

Te other Knob Goblins cower after youdefeat one of their own, so youre free to

search the reasury. It doesnt look like the Plot Deviceis here. What are we going to do now, man? Its a bughunt! A bug hunt!

o return to the entryway of Cobbs Knob, go toSection 43o return to the town and pick a new location, go

to Section 20

45

A hollow voice says, FOOL. You know what theysay about people who cheat in games theyre playing bythemselves, right?

You get the hose again and go back to Section 68,where you came from.

46

Although at first you have trouble seeing it because of allthe trees, you eventually come to the Spooky Forest. Letme tell you, it doesnt look like the sort of place thatslikely to be inhabited by gamboling fauns and nymphs.If it ever was, they probably all got eaten, possibly by thetrees. Youre not adverse to a little gamboling yourself, butin this place youd better hedge your bets. And speakingof hedges, that one appears to be concealing somethingthats getting ready to pounce at you.

My mistake, it ispouncing at you.

If youre a Pastamancer, go to section 76If youre a Disco Bandit, go to section 41If youre a Seal Clubber, go to section 10If havent got any class at all, go to section 1

47

Listen, kid. Tat frat orc isnt your rival, this mountainis. And that girl isnt the love of your life, this mountainis. If you want to win this contest, youve got to look thismountain straight in the eye, grab it by the throat, andshow it whos the boss!

He looks at you, puzzled. Tat doesnt make any sensewhatsoever.

Whos the boss?

Look, I...

Whos the boss?

ony Da-

WHOS HE BOSS?!

I am! I am!

Damn right you are! Now get up there and prove it!Prove it to your rival, your girl, and your mountain!Te kid grabs his snowboard and heads for the top ofthe run at top speed, then knocks himself out on one ofthe support stanchions. After theyve carried him awayon a stretcher, you find his mittens on the ground andpocket them.


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You acquire an item: eXtreme Mittens. We didnt codean inventory window for this booklet, so youll have toremember that for yourself.

o go back to the anklehills of Mt. McLargeHuge,go to Section 72o experience a glitch in the Matrix, go to Section 70

o get off the mountain and search elsewhere, go toSection 20

48

You saunter into Degrassi Knoll.Well, actually its more of a

mosey, with just a hint of sashay. You should probablywork on that. Te knoll, though not much more than aseries of caves underground, is kept clean and tidy by theknoll gnolls. Teyve even cleaned off the debris from thebook depository (where they crowned the King of Cuba)that used to stand atop the knoll.

Even the toilets are clean, thanks to the Gnollish Plung-ermasters, who are skilled in that art. Teyre very tidybowl gnolls. Gnolls, in general, are renowned for theirhandiness with gears and tools of all sorts, as well as theirshort temper and penchant for theatrics.

You are accosted by a guard-gnoll who regards you sus-piciously. What are you doing here, adventurer? Haveyou come to return our Obvious Plot Device?

If you have the Plot Device, go to Section 31If you dont have it and want to search the Knoll, goto section 24If you dont have it and you dont want to search theKnoll, whatre you doing here? Go back to Section20. Noob.

49

You step out of the Sleazy Back Alley and into what mustbe the low-rent district of town (assuming the entiretown isnt low-rent). A suspicious-looking guy comesup to you. Hey, man. You, uh, you wanna try some

goofballs? First bottles free, man.

Er, no thanks, you reply. Can you tell me where I am?

Sure, man. Tis is Seaside own, capital city of theKingdom of Loathing. Population: several. Majorexports: adventurers. And goofballs. He rattles a bottleof pills at you. You sure you dont want any?

o accept the goofballs, go to section 4o look around Seaside own, go to section 75

50

Oh well, the Gnollish Crossdresser says. At leastyouve returned our Plot Device and completed yourquest. I mean, thats a pretty good job you did, there.You should feel good about yourself. Te other gnollsjoin in with qualified, subdued praise. You emerge intothe sunlight with nice going, man, and not bad, dude,echoing in your ears.

Congratulations! A quest-finisher is you!

If you had fun playing around with this, dotry http://www.kingdomofloathing.com. Its alot like this, only more interactive, has a chat,and is harder to set on fire. And its as free assomething that doesnt cost any money!

51

Youre fighting a Knob Goblin Elite Guardsman, who isamong the fiercest and most loyal of the Goblin KingsGuards. Hes so big his plate-mail is actually platter-mail.

He gets the jump on you and throws his shield like afrisbee. It makes a pleasant ringing sound as it caroms offyour head. Ouch! Ugh! Ow! Ouch!




52

Did you get the goofballs from the Suspicious-LookingGuy?

If you did, go to section 3If not, go to section 50

53

You search your pockets, and discover that you are in factcarrying a few small slabs of raw meat around with you.You give a couple of them to the hobo, and he favors youwith another snaggletoothed grin. Tanks, buddy! I oweya one!

He shuffles out of the alley (and into the sunset). Perhapsyou should follow his example it really smells terriblein here.

o leave the alley, go to section 49o hang around a little longer, go to section 12

54

Youre fighting a Knob Goblin Chef. He maylook harmless, but he wields a mean ladle. Hegets the jump on you.

He whirls around with a ladleful of hot soupand splashes it all over your bung. It hurtsmore than a ladle bit. Ooof! Ow! Ouch! Ow!

You flail helplessly with your hands and feet, but cantseem to connect.

He whips off his chef s hat and smacks you across the facewith it. Boy, Are, Dee does it hurt! Argh! Ouch! Ooh!You lose the fight. You slink away, dejected and humiliated.


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55Youre fighting a Knob Goblin Bean Counter, one ofthe accountants of Cobbs Knob. Tey havent been asbusy since inflation pushed beans out of the Kingdomscurrency.

He gets the jump on you and smacks you upside the nog-gin with the weird little visor hes wearing. Id advise youto avoid that in the future. Oof! Ow! Ouch!

You remember your Disco Bandit training and viciouslypoke him in the eye. BAM! SOCKO! BIFF!

You win the fight!

Te other Knob Goblins cower after you defeat one oftheir own, so youre free to search the reasury. It doesntlook like the Plot Device is here. So what do you do,hotshot? What do you do?

o return to the entryway of Cobbs Knob, go toSection 43o return to the town and pick a new location, go

to Section 20

56

Youre fighting a XXX Pr0n

Tis is a shellfish who has been sucked into the seamyunderbelly of adult marine life entertainment. You findyourself hoping his trench coat stays closed.

He gets the jump on you. Or, yknow, the swim.

He starts to smack

you with his fish-tail, but you distracthim with a fishytale, then reach upand poke him right inhis eye! His eyestalk goeslimp and he scurries away,embarrassed.

You search the grounds for grounds to suspect that thePlot Device is here, but cant find anything.

Y ahora, que?

o return to Mt. McLargeHuge, go to Section 72o return to the Seaside own, go to Section 20

57

You stealthily sneak up the mountain to the not-par-ticularly-secret Lair of the Ninja Snowmen. You see aserene monastery hewn out of the very living rock. Wait,

I guess that means the hills arealive after all. My mistake. Yousneak inside and see dozens ofmagically animated snowmenwearing ninja masks. Teyre alltraining, using their twiggy littlearms to fling shuriken, juggle

nunchuku, and eat sashimi.None of them look likely to turn and shout HAPPYBIRHDAY! or anything. Still, you cant underestimatethe comedic element of something without legs trying todo a roundhouse kick.

Suddenly, one of the snowmen spots you and raises thealarm! Looks like its time to throw down or get down-thrown yourself.

If you are a Seal Clubber, go to Section 23If you are a Pastamancer, turn to Section 63

If you are a Disco Bandit, turn to Section 39If you have no class, go to Section 73. Ten see anopera, you plebeian.

58

As you enter the copse of theDeep Fat Friars, you are ambushedby a G Imp, dressed entirely inblack leather bondage gear. Hegiggles in a way youre not entirelycomfortable with. With which

youre not entirely comfortable.

He gets the jump on you, and pulls out a cat-o-nine tails,but can hit you with nary a tail. He should probablyunzip the eyeholes on his mask.

You concentrate on Bries teachings, and call forth a Mi-nor Ray of Gravel, which teaches the Imp the gravity ofthe situation by putting him in his grave. A grave lesson,indeed. BAM! ZAP! KERPOW!

You win the fight!

After much rejoicing (yaaay) you search the area, butyou dont find anything that resembles the Obvious PlotDevice. So, uh, now what?

o return to the Distant Woods, go to section 26o choose a different area, go to section 20

59

Your nasal passages are assaulted (and peppered) by thescent of mystical herbs and spices as you enter the Leagueof Chef-Magi. Te interior is dimly-lit and filled with the

sound of rustling papers and clanking saucepans. A manin wizards robes steps up to you. Hello, I am Gorgon-zola, Chief Chef of the League. Are you here to join us,and learn the secrets of the ancient culinary arts?

o join the League of Chef-Magi, go to section 18o return to the street, go to section 75
http://www.opera.com/http://www.opera.com/http://www.opera.com/


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60

Do you have a keychain with the SCFCUs web addresson it?

If you do, go to section 29If you dont, go to section 50

61Of course, you say. Tis sounds like an adventurousquest, and adventures and quests are what I live for. Er,are the things for which I live.

Go forth, then! Or, yknow, first. You seem to beprepared, and youve even learned that prepositions arenot something to end a sentence with. Te ObviousPlot Device might be somewhere in Cobbs Knob, or itmight have been spirited away to the Spooky Forest. Or,it might be somewhere on Mt. McLargehuge. You shouldstart your search at one of those places. He hands you amap of the Kingdom and politely pushes you out the door.

Which happens to lead to section 20

62

Youve been attackedby a Spam Witch!You look into thisseductive creatureseyes and feel as if shecan make your sword

longer, your bank account bigger, your waist smaller, andshow you the secret habits of barnyard animals. You fightto resist her charms . . . and she gets the jump on you.

She offers you a million meat (which she embezzled fromthe Council of Loathing) if youll hit yourself in the head.You do. Ouch! Ooof! Ow!

You call forth a Minor Ray of Firewalls. A wall of firesweeps across the battlefield, burning the witch like shewas made of wood (or possibly a duck). BAM! ZAP!

ZORCH!

You win the Fight!

Now tell me where the Plot Device is! you shout atthe ashes of the witch. Tey dont respond. Maybe youshould ask questions first, then immolate. Even thoughimmolation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Whatll ya have?

o return to Mt. McLargeHuge, go to Section 72o return to the Seaside own, go to Section 20For tasty pie, turn to Section 3.14.

63

In the icy wastes of Mount McLargehuge, where the mostelite of ninja snowman assassins are trained, even the guywho mops the dojo floor is fully capable of kicking yourass. And here he is, getting ready to do just that. ry notto bleed everywhere -- youll only make him angrier.

He gets the jump on you andsweeps you off your feet. Imean literally, not in a nice ro-mantic way. Ouch! Ooof! Ow!

You concentrate and releasea Ray of Spilled Milk. Te

Ninja Snowman starts crying,unadvisedly.

You win the fight!

Te rest of the Ninja Snowmen bow to you -- well, aswell as someone whose body is three big snowballs canbow. You have proven yourself in combat, honorableadventurer, one says. You may request anything of usthat we can provide.

Do you have the Obvious Plot Device? you ask. Tey

put their snowy heads together and confer.

We regret to inform you that we have not seen it, onesays. Im afraid we are not the snowmen you are lookingfor. He waves a twiggy arm and youre convinced hestelling the truth.

o return to the anklehills of Mt. McLargeHuge, goto Section 72.o return to the town and pick a new location, goto Section 20.

64

You saunter (or possibly mosey) over to the shadowycloaked figure in the corner. Greetings, adventurer,he says. I am Roberto, representative of the ShadowyCloaked Figure in the Corner Union, Local 523. It iswell that you approached me, for I have a tale to tellthat will chill your blood, and a quest that will win youunimaginable glory.

Tanks, you say, But this booklet isnt big enough for alot of complicated digressions, and anyway Ive got all the

quest I can handle right now.

Are you sure? Te glory really is totally unimaginable believe me, Ive tried.

Sorry, Ill have to take a raincheck.

Well, all right. If you ever change your mind, you knowwhere to find me. Here, have a souvenir keychain. Its gotthe SCFCUs web address on it.

You acquire an item: SCFCU keychain. We dont have an

inventory screen in this book, so its upto you to remember that.

You pocket the keychain and mosey (orsaunter) back to the bar.

Which was at section 33, as youllrecall.
http://www.pithemovie.com/http://www.pithemovie.com/


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65

Youre fighting a Knob Goblin Assistant Chef. Heproudly wields his set of Neophyte ongs, and whistles ahappy cooking song as he prepares to beat you senseless.

He gets the jump on you and beats you with those tongs.Tose tong, tong, tong tong tongs. Oof! Ow! Ouch!

You call forth a Minor Ray of Avocados, which buriesyour opponent in rudimentary guacamole. BIFF!SOCKO! POW! WHACK! BARF!

He then tries to poke you with his tongs, but you makefun of his silly hat until he starts crying, and then callforth a Minor Ray of Blenders. Your opponent gets frap-pd.ZAP! BLAM! BIFF!

You win the fight!

You gruffly address the rest of the chefs in the kitchen.rip-trap! you say, then decide thats maybe too gruff.Okay, you guys, where did you hide the Obvious PlotDevice? you say, ominously waving your pasta spoon.

All of the chefs point to one Knob Goblin hiding in thecorner. Dave did it, they say. Dave disappears behindone of the stoves and reappears holding the Obvious PlotDevice!

Im s-sorry, he says, but its so very pretty and I justwanted to have it for a little while I swear I was gonnagive it back.

Tats okay, you say. I think weve all learned a valu-able lesson today, havent we, kids? Mainly, that stealingwill cause the maiming of several people near you, whileyou yourself wont suffer any consequences. Now youknow -- and thats at least 50% of the battle.

You grab the Plot Device and walk out of Cobbs Knob.

Specifically, you walk to Degrassi Knoll, which is

over in Section 48

66

Youre fighting a Flaming roll. Tesmell of brimstone, the hulking bodyand dragging claws, the sound of stfud00d u r teh suk -- yup, this is defi-nitely not the kind of troll you want tocross, or doublecross.

It gets the jump on you and flames youin the brainpan with a clever combina-

tion of fisticuffs and insults. Ooof! Ow!

You start to calmly and intelligently counter everyargument the troll is making, but then figure a thrust-smack would me much more effective. PAF! BIFF!KASMOOSH!

You win the fight!

Tough the troll struggles, you pin him to the ground

and shout tell me about the Obvious Plot Device,n00b! He admits he doesnt have it, and you finally lethim up to run away, shouting insults over his shoulder.

And now for something completely different!

o return to Mt. McLargeHuge, go to Section 72

o return to the Seaside own, go to Section 20If you like reading things twice, if you like readingthings twice, go to Section 66.

67

You follow the GnollishCrossdresser into a room whichis mostly dominated with acomplex, inert machine. Weinvented this to make breakfastfor us, he says, because thatswhat super-intelligent people do.But we just cant make it work.

You look it over. Ah, I see, you say, this keychain willfit perfectly between the toaster and the chicken. Techicken will attack it, because its shiny, and then lay anegg. Itll fall into this you quickly tie the harem pantsacross two support poles and then roll over to thestove. But how to light the stove

Yes, the gnoll replies, if only we had some goofballsthey go up in flame at the slightest application of heat.

Goofballs it is, then! you put the goofballs under thestove, where a conveyor belt will bring a match afterdragging it across an old army boot to light it. Now,we just need some power. You notice a bicycle seat andpedals hooked into the machine. Hold on just onesecond.

You run back to the Seaside own and grab the friendlyhobo, who willingly goes with you because you gave himthe meat. Howd you like a steady job? you ask him,when youre both back inside the Knoll.

Well I reckon thatd be all right, he says. So I just sithere and pedal? I can do that. Slong as I have full medi-cal and dental benefits. He pauses, then laughs. Nah,just kiddin. Just pay me some meat and the occasionalbottle of Mad rain Wine and Ill be fine. He rubs hishands together. Sure is cold in here, though.

ake these mittens! You givethe hobo the eXtreme Mittens.He starts pedaling and themachine cooks up two eggs,

sunny-side up, some toast, anda side of angst. Looks like itneeds some fine-tuning, thegnoll says, but it works! Tankyou, adventurer! Since youhelped us so much, I will tellyou one of the deep, dark secrets of the knoll. He leansforward and whispers in your ear: Osborne acted alone.

What?


14/16


15/16

And a shredder. Ouch! Ow! Ooooof!

You flail madly with your arms and legs, but cantconnect.

He slashes at you with his chopsticks, and you getwasabi in your eye. Aaaaaaaaiiiiiieeeee! Owie! Ooof! Yipe

yipe yipe!



o join a Guild, go to Section 75.If you have no short-term memory, go to Section 73

74

Youre fighting a Knob Goblin Master Chef. He couldsaut you, flamb you, or make a roux out of you. Youhave no idea what any of those words mean, but they allsound pretty unpleasant.

He gets the jump on you and kicks it up a notch. Andby it, I mean, your face. BAM! Ouch! Ow! Ooof!

You remember your training and moxiously poke him

right in the eye. He shouts Ay yai yai! and runs away.You win the fight!

All right, you say to the other cowering chefs. Whichone of you has the Obvious Plot Device? Dont make mepush you around, cause I will. Oh, I will.

I swear, we havent seen it, one of the Chefs says.Were just here for the food, man. You search the kitch-ens and dont see the Device anywhere. Now what?

o return to the entryway of Cobbs Knob, go to

Section 43o return to the town and pick a new location, goto Section 20

75

You stroll around Seaside ownfor a while, taking in the sights.Teres lots of interesting things tosee, but weve only got a few pageshere, so well stick to some of the

highlights.

o visit the League of Chef-Magi, go to section 59o visit the Brotherhood of the Smackdown, go tosection 6o visit the Department of Shadowy Arts and Crafts,go to section 14o visit the Council of Loathing (if you havent dealtwith them already), go to section 11

76

A triffid rises from the bushes, hissingevilly at you! (For those of you shoutingWhat the hell is a riffid?, its a typeof horrible ambulatory plant. And youllprobably need an ambulance after itsdone ambulating all over you.)

It tries to blind you with its tongue-like appendage, butto no avail, since somebody apparently forgot to tell itthat you can only be blinded by science.

You concentrate your starchy magic and call forth aMinor Ray of Bullets, which shred the foul plant-beastlike well, like bullets through a plant, really. POW!BLAM! ZAP!

You win the fight!

You search the area for a while, but dont find the Obvi-ous Plot Device. Darn.

o return to the Distant Woods: go to section 26o try your luck somewhere else: go to section 20


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Tis page intentionally left blank, except for these words.And those other ones down in the corner.

Writing: Josh Mr. Skullhead Nite,Nathan Riff Conner

Artwork: Zack Jick JohnsonEditing & Layout: Nathan Riff Conner

All content copyright 2006,Asymmetric Publications, LLC

http://www.kingdomofloathing.com

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