Making the Most of Your Making the Most of Your Adult Mentoring Adult Mentoring

ExperienceExperience

Christian Mentors Webinar

May 23, 2009

John Gibbs, Atlanta, GA

johndavidgibbs@gmail.com

Goals for this SessionGoals for this Session

Get issues on the tableGet issues on the table Lay a foundation of principles & Lay a foundation of principles &

practicespractices Determine next steps for adult Determine next steps for adult

mentoring teammentoring team

Mentoring QuestionsMentoring Questions

Why?Why? The Need for MentoringThe Need for Mentoring What?What? Scope of MentoringScope of Mentoring Who?Who? Mentors & MenteesMentors & Mentees How?How? Principles & GuidelinesPrinciples & Guidelines When?When? Stages of Life, Frequency, Stages of Life, Frequency,

DurationDuration Where?Where? Up close or at a distanceUp close or at a distance

AgendaAgenda

Background and NeedBackground and Need Biblical PrinciplesBiblical Principles Scope of MentoringScope of Mentoring Expectations and BoundariesExpectations and Boundaries Nuts & BoltsNuts & Bolts Being a Mentor; Finding a MentorBeing a Mentor; Finding a Mentor Equipping & Motivating MentorsEquipping & Motivating Mentors

About MeAbout Me Father, husband, son, brother Father, husband, son, brother Instructional designer; former Instructional designer; former

writer/editor, IT consultant, beekeeperwriter/editor, IT consultant, beekeeper Lived in IL, TX, CA, OK, LA, AR, FL, Lived in IL, TX, CA, OK, LA, AR, FL,

GAGA MS Instructional Systems (FSU) Open MS Instructional Systems (FSU) Open

& Distance Learning& Distance Learning MA Mass Communication; BA English MA Mass Communication; BA English

(UF)(UF) MRS NationsUniversityMRS NationsUniversity Microsoft Certified TrainerMicrosoft Certified Trainer Passionate about mentoringPassionate about mentoring Experience with discipling ministryExperience with discipling ministry Disclaimer: Opinions expressed are Disclaimer: Opinions expressed are

minemine

Background & Background & Need for Need for

MentoringMentoring

Historical Examples of Historical Examples of MentorsMentors

Aristotle > Alexander the GreatAristotle > Alexander the Great Bach > MozartBach > Mozart Martin Scorsese > Oliver StoneMartin Scorsese > Oliver Stone Mel Gibson > Heath LedgerMel Gibson > Heath Ledger Obi-wan Kenobi > Anakin & Luke Obi-wan Kenobi > Anakin & Luke

SkywalkerSkywalker

Why Mentors are Needed: Why Mentors are Needed: The Absence of FathersThe Absence of Fathers

Role traditionally filled by fathers, Role traditionally filled by fathers, uncles, grandfathers, communityuncles, grandfathers, community

Industrialization, divorce, etc. take Industrialization, divorce, etc. take men from the homemen from the home

Fathers absent even when presentFathers absent even when present Result: Many go through each life Result: Many go through each life

stage without healthy role modelsstage without healthy role models

Absent Fathers Part 1: Absent Fathers Part 1: Ancient Ancient Mentoring Mentoring

MythologyMythology OdysseusOdysseus

Delegated Telemachus to Mentor in his Delegated Telemachus to Mentor in his absenceabsence

Athena took the guise of MentorAthena took the guise of Mentor The roleThe role

Mentor: Surrogate for a fatherMentor: Surrogate for a father Athena: Surrogate for a surrogate!Athena: Surrogate for a surrogate!

Absent Fathers Part 2: Absent Fathers Part 2: The Myth in the Modern The Myth in the Modern

EraEra““As I’ve participated in men’s gatherings since As I’ve participated in men’s gatherings since the early 1980s, I’ve heard one statement over the early 1980s, I’ve heard one statement over and over from American males, which has been and over from American males, which has been phrased in a hundred different ways: phrased in a hundred different ways: ‘There is not enough father.’‘There is not enough father.’

The sentence implies that father The sentence implies that father is a substance like salt, which in is a substance like salt, which in earlier times was occasionally earlier times was occasionally in short supply, or like in short supply, or like groundwater, which in some groundwater, which in some areas now has simply areas now has simply disappeared.” disappeared.”

Iron JohnIron John, Chap. 4, “The Hunger for the , Chap. 4, “The Hunger for the King in a Time with No Father”King in a Time with No Father”

Absent Fathers Part 3: Absent Fathers Part 3: Moving From Myth to Moving From Myth to

ChristChrist Mythology accurately describes the Mythology accurately describes the

problemproblem Scripture provides the solutionScripture provides the solution Jesus points to the one perfect fatherJesus points to the one perfect father

—his own—his own

Biblical Biblical Principles of Principles of MentoringMentoring

Biblical Principle: Biblical Principle: TeachingTeaching

Matthew 28:19:20Matthew 28:19:20““Go and make disciples . . . and teaching Go and make disciples . . . and teaching them to obey everything I have them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with commanded you. And surely I am with you always . . . ”you always . . . ”

2 Timothy 2:2 – four generations!2 Timothy 2:2 – four generations!““And the things And the things youyou have heard have heard meme say say in the presence of many witnesses in the presence of many witnesses entrust to entrust to reliable menreliable men who will also be who will also be qualified to teach qualified to teach othersothers.”.”

Biblical View of Biblical View of “Discipling”“Discipling”

Used as a verb only in the sense of Used as a verb only in the sense of becoming or making a disciplebecoming or making a disciple

Matt. 28—what do you do with an Matt. 28—what do you do with an “apprentice-student-follower”?“apprentice-student-follower”?

““Teaching” is the most common Teaching” is the most common word used for developing disciplesword used for developing disciples

Jesus’ Approach to Jesus’ Approach to MentoringMentoring

InitiateInitiate: Selected circles of 72, 12, : Selected circles of 72, 12, and 3and 3

BuildBuild: Walked and talked with them : Walked and talked with them 3 years3 years

ReleaseRelease: I am going; You will do : I am going; You will do greater thingsgreater things

Scope of Scope of MentoringMentoring

Adult vs. Youth Adult vs. Youth MentoringMentoring

DisadvantagesDisadvantages Issues of delayed developmentIssues of delayed development More difficult to lower pride & accept helpMore difficult to lower pride & accept help More messes to clean upMore messes to clean up

AdvantagesAdvantages More freedom in selecting mentors/menteesMore freedom in selecting mentors/mentees Greater intellectual power to apply to growth!Greater intellectual power to apply to growth! Like adult learning—mentee accepts more Like adult learning—mentee accepts more

responsibility & initiativeresponsibility & initiative

Types of “Mentoring”Types of “Mentoring”

DisciplingDiscipling MentoringMentoring CoachingCoaching TeachingTeaching CounselingCounseling GroupsGroups Passive (one-way, live or past Passive (one-way, live or past

mentors, books)mentors, books)

Mentoring in the Larger Mentoring in the Larger Scheme of NeedsScheme of Needs

Various needs throughout a lifetimeVarious needs throughout a lifetime You may play various roles with a You may play various roles with a

menteementee You may refer a mentee for specific You may refer a mentee for specific

needsneeds

Expectations and Expectations and BoundariesBoundaries

Establishing Establishing ExpectationsExpectations

Frustration comes from unmet Frustration comes from unmet expectationsexpectations

Set expectations for:Set expectations for: Topics & needs to be addressedTopics & needs to be addressed Honesty and confidentialityHonesty and confidentiality Frequency of contactFrequency of contact Duration of relationshipDuration of relationship Who will initiate contactWho will initiate contact

Boundaries in MentoringBoundaries in Mentoring

Don’t take absolute responsibility for Don’t take absolute responsibility for the menteethe mentee

Set reasonable boundaries on time Set reasonable boundaries on time togethertogether

Guide mentee to depend on God, not Guide mentee to depend on God, not just youjust you

What Mentoring is NotWhat Mentoring is Not

A perfect mentor pouring from a full A perfect mentor pouring from a full pitcher to the mentee’s empty cuppitcher to the mentee’s empty cup

A guilt-inducing exercise for either A guilt-inducing exercise for either partyparty

An eternal covenantAn eternal covenant Living the mentee’s life for him/herLiving the mentee’s life for him/her

Avoid Over-reliance on a Avoid Over-reliance on a MentorMentor

Don’t expect your mentor to read Don’t expect your mentor to read your mindyour mind

Don’t expect the mentor to be Don’t expect the mentor to be omniscient, omnipresentomniscient, omnipresent

OK to seek support from more than OK to seek support from more than one source—at any time, and one source—at any time, and throughout your lifethroughout your life

Nuts & BoltsNuts & Bolts

What Should a Mentor What Should a Mentor Provide?Provide?

Selectivity—suggesting appropriate Selectivity—suggesting appropriate inputsinputs

Perspective—seen fads and trends Perspective—seen fads and trends come and gocome and go

ObjectivityObjectivity Regularity—reminders to focus Regularity—reminders to focus

consistently until progress occursconsistently until progress occurs AccountabilityAccountability

Suggest an Approach to the Suggest an Approach to the RelationshipRelationship

A mentee may have a specific or A mentee may have a specific or nebulous imagenebulous image

Pick an approach and adjust as Pick an approach and adjust as needed, e.g.,needed, e.g., Try it for 6 weeks, then . . . Try it for 6 weeks, then . . . Commit to 6 months, then . . . Commit to 6 months, then . . . Revisit and recommit or discontinueRevisit and recommit or discontinue

Two Goals for Each Two Goals for Each SessionSession

Short-term ad hocShort-term ad hoc Mentee sets the agendaMentee sets the agenda ““What’s on your mind today?”What’s on your mind today?”

Long-term systematicLong-term systematic Scripture sets the agenda Scripture sets the agenda ““How’s progress on your life plan?”How’s progress on your life plan?”

Accountability in Accountability in MentoringMentoring

Accountability is primarily to GodAccountability is primarily to God Confession as accountabilityConfession as accountability Accountable to mutually agreed-Accountable to mutually agreed-

upon goalsupon goals Accountability to attend activities for Accountability to attend activities for

special needsspecial needs

Should the Relationship be Should the Relationship be Two-way?Two-way?

AdvantagesAdvantages Demonstrates the Demonstrates the processprocess of growth, of growth,

not just the not just the resultresult Creates a balanced relationshipCreates a balanced relationship Develops external orienation in the Develops external orienation in the

menteementee DisadvantagesDisadvantages

May create too much burden for menteeMay create too much burden for mentee May distract from mentee’s progressMay distract from mentee’s progress

Mentoring at a DistanceMentoring at a Distance

Requires greater level of Requires greater level of commitmentcommitment

Requires extra effort to connectRequires extra effort to connect Mix of email & phone contactMix of email & phone contact Develop protocols to maintain Develop protocols to maintain

privacyprivacy

Being a Mentor Being a Mentor & Finding a & Finding a

MentorMentor

Who Should Mentor Who Should Mentor Who?Who?

Need most common among menNeed most common among men Men with men; women with Men with men; women with

women!!!women!!! Older with younger most common, Older with younger most common,

but not essentialbut not essential

How “Perfect” Must a How “Perfect” Must a Mentor Be?Mentor Be?

The question is important to both mentors The question is important to both mentors & mentees& mentees

The answer: more advanced than the The answer: more advanced than the mentee in the issue on which help is soughtmentee in the issue on which help is sought

The role of a mentor helps to answer the The role of a mentor helps to answer the questionquestion Don’t need to be able to help in every area of lifeDon’t need to be able to help in every area of life Able to watch progress and interpret outcomes Able to watch progress and interpret outcomes

and trendsand trends

Who Should Do the Who Should Do the Asking?Asking?

Excerpt from “Chariots of Fire”Excerpt from “Chariots of Fire”

Harold AbrahamsHarold Abrahams: (speaking of Eric Liddle) I want you to help me take : (speaking of Eric Liddle) I want you to help me take him on. him on.

Sam Mussambini:Sam Mussambini: Tell me, Mr. Abrahams, when the right girl comes Tell me, Mr. Abrahams, when the right girl comes along, how will you feel if she pops the question? You see, like the along, how will you feel if she pops the question? You see, like the bridegroom, it's the coach that should do the asking. bridegroom, it's the coach that should do the asking.

Abrahams:Abrahams: I can run fast. With your help, I think I can run even faster. I can run fast. With your help, I think I can run even faster. Perhaps faster than any man ever ran. I want that Olympic medal. Perhaps faster than any man ever ran. I want that Olympic medal. Now, I can see it there. It's waiting for me. But I can't get it on my Now, I can see it there. It's waiting for me. But I can't get it on my own. own.

Mussambini:Mussambini: I’ll watch you, and if I think I can help—if I can see the I’ll watch you, and if I think I can help—if I can see the big prize hanging there—believe me, I won’t waste any time. When big prize hanging there—believe me, I won’t waste any time. When we meet again, I’ll be the one that does the begging. we meet again, I’ll be the one that does the begging.

Abrahams:Abrahams: So you’ll watch me? So you’ll watch me?

Mussambini:Mussambini: Son, if you're good enough, I'll take you apart piece by Son, if you're good enough, I'll take you apart piece by bloody piece.bloody piece.

So Go Ahead and Ask!So Go Ahead and Ask!

Don’t be afraid to pursue a mentorDon’t be afraid to pursue a mentor Elisha: followed Elijah after 3 rejectionsElisha: followed Elijah after 3 rejections John Maxwell: paid $100 to leaders for John Maxwell: paid $100 to leaders for

adviceadvice Potential mentors may not volunteer Potential mentors may not volunteer

but may respond to your initiativebut may respond to your initiative Ask, don’t demandAsk, don’t demand Remember: This is God’s plan; don’t Remember: This is God’s plan; don’t

hesitate to ask someone to fulfill ithesitate to ask someone to fulfill it

Equipping & Equipping & Motivating Motivating

MentorsMentors

The Opportunity & The Opportunity & Motivation: Multiplication!Motivation: Multiplication!

30 students in typical class 30 students in typical class (C students remain C students)(C students remain C students)

8 students yields 1 standard deviation 8 students yields 1 standard deviation improvement improvement (C students become B students)(C students become B students)

1 student yields 2 standard deviations 1 student yields 2 standard deviations improvement improvement (C students become A students)(C students become A students)

Result: 1-on-1 guidance means A students Result: 1-on-1 guidance means A students produce other A students, who go on to . . . produce other A students, who go on to . . .

Mentoring for MentorsMentoring for Mentors

Ideally, everyone has:Ideally, everyone has: A Paul (mentor)A Paul (mentor) A Timothy (mentee)A Timothy (mentee) A Barnabas (peer encourager)A Barnabas (peer encourager)

A Short BibliographyA Short Bibliography Spiritual MentoringSpiritual Mentoring

Authentic Spiritual MentoringAuthentic Spiritual Mentoring, Larry Kreider, 2008, Larry Kreider, 2008 As Iron Sharpens Iron: Building Character in a As Iron Sharpens Iron: Building Character in a

Mentoring RelationshipMentoring Relationship, Howard & Williams Hendricks, , Howard & Williams Hendricks, 19951995

Connecting: The Mentoring Relationships You Need to Connecting: The Mentoring Relationships You Need to Succeed in LifeSucceed in Life, Paul D. Stanley & J. Robert Clinton, , Paul D. Stanley & J. Robert Clinton, 19921992

Corporate MentoringCorporate Mentoring Turf and Other Corporate Power Plays, Turf and Other Corporate Power Plays, Pamela Cuming, Pamela Cuming,

19861986 CoachingCoaching

Christian Coaching, Christian Coaching, Gary R. Collins, 1981Gary R. Collins, 1981 Spiritual GrowthSpiritual Growth

How People Grow, How People Grow, Henry Cloud & John Townsend, 2001Henry Cloud & John Townsend, 2001