Military Press Zone 2, Sept. 1, 2014

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2 September 1, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS www.MilitaryPress.com • [email protected]

By Ali Khedery Three years ago, the Islamic State

of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) did not exist; now it controls vast swaths of Syria and Iraq. Showing off its handiwork daily via Twitter and YouTube, ISIS has repeatedly demonstrated that it is much more than a transnational terrorist organization – rather, it is an entity with sophisticated command, control, propaganda and logistical capabilities, and one that has proven its ability to take and hold strategi-cally critical territory at the heart of the Middle East.

But as world leaders grapple with how to respond to this unprecedent-ed crisis, they must first understand how ISIS came to exist.

Principally, ISIS is the product of a genocide that continued unabated as the world stood back and watched. It is the illegitimate

Three years ago, ISIS did not exist – now it controls vast swaths ofSyria and Iraq. How did we get here?

Con’t. onnext page

child born of pure hate and pure fear – the result of 200,000 murdered Syr-ians and of millions more displaced and divorced from their hopes and dreams. ISIS’s rise is also a reminder of how Bashar al-Assad’s Machiavel-lian embrace of al-Qaida would come back to haunt him.

Facing Assad’s army and intelli-gence services, Lebanon’s Hezbollah, Iraq’s Shia Islamist militias and their grand patron, Iran’s Revolutionary Guards, Syria’s initially peaceful protesters quickly became disenchanted, disillusioned and disenfranchised – and then radicalised and violently militant.

How ISIS came to be

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Displaced people from the minority Yazidi sect, fleeing violence from forces loyal to the Islamic State in Sinjar town, ride a

donkey as they make their way towards theSyrian border, on the outskirts of Sinjar mountain,

near the Syrian border town of Elierbeh, onAugust 10, 2014. Islamic State

militants have killed at least 500 members of Iraq’s Yazidi ethnic minority during their offensive

in the north.

(Reuters/Rodi Said)

ISISCont’d. from Page 3

The Shia Islamist axis used chemi-cal weapons, artillery and barrel bombs to preserve its crescent of influence. Syria’s Sunni Arab revolutionaries in turn sought international assistance, and when the world refused, they em-braced a pact with the devil, al-Qaida.

With its fiercely loyal army of trans-national jihadis, al-Qaida once again gained a foothold in the heart of the Middle East. Fuelled by the hate and fear engendered by images of dismem-bered children or women suffering from the effects of chemical weapons, disaffected youth from around the world rushed to Syria, fuelling an ever more violent race to the bottom.

Next door in Iraq, an emboldened Nouri al-Maliki waged his own sectar-ian campaign to consolidate power, be-traying promises to his political part-ners to share it around. Within days of being welcomed at the White House and praised by Barack Obama for his leadership, Maliki returned to Bagh-dad to mastermind the arrest of his principal Sunni rival, vice-president Tariq al-Hashimi.

Supported by Iran and armed with US-made Humvees, M-16s, and M1A1 tanks, Maliki’s forces closed in on Hashimi, only to see him flee to Kurdis-tan. Dozens of his guards were impris-oned on terrorism charges. At least one of them died under interrogation.

Another Christmas purge followed a year later, when a second prominent Sunni rival, the finance minister Rafea al-Essawi, found his home surrounded by Maliki’s US-made tanks. He fled to the sanctuary of his tribe in Iraq’s An-bar province, and was eliminated from Iraqi politics.

Facing mass unrest, Iraq’s Sunni Arab provincial councils voted for semi-autonomous rule like that of the neighbouring Kurdistan region. Maliki blocked the implementation of a refer-endum through bureaucratic ploys, in contravention of Iraq’s constitution.

Demonstrations of civil disobedi-ence erupted across the Sunni provinc-

es, as millions of Iraqis once again saw that they had no stake in Iraq’s success – only its failure. Claiming intelligence that al-Qaida had penetrated the pro-test camps, Maliki crushed them with lethal force. Several dozen were killed during an Iraqi military raid in Hawija in April 2013, further inflaming what were already spiking sectarian ten-sions.

Despite pleas from the highest lev-els in Washington, Maliki’s government did virtually nothing to halt the Iranian Revolutionary Guards’ flights to resup-ply the Assad regime with thousands of tons of military hardware and ammuni-tion. Meanwhile, a Shia Islamist ally of Maliki privately conceded to me last year that senior officials in the Iraqi government were turning a blind eye – or even actively supporting – the dis-patch of thousands of Iraqi Shia fight-

ers to participate in the spiralling Shia-Sunni holy war in Syria.

These militias – the Badr Corps, Asaib Ahl al-Haq, the Promised Day Brigades, among others – were warmly embraced by Maliki. Indeed, Badr’s commander is none other than Iraq’s incumbent transport minister, Hadi al-Ameri.

Ironically, al-Qaida’s wholesale in-troduction into Iraq came at the hands of Assad’s regime. From 2005 until the end of the American occupation of Iraq, Assad’s military intelligence ser-vices and their Iranian backers sought to defeat the US forces by training, financing and arming al-Qaida opera-tives inside Syria and dispatching them across the border to foment chaos and destruction.

General David Petraeus and oth-er senior American officials warned Assad that he was igniting a fire that would eventually burn his house down, but Damascus did nothing to stop the flow of fighters, culminating in a crip-pling blow to Maliki’s government the day Iraq’s foreign and finance minis-tries were bombed. Maliki publicly condemned his future ally in Damascus for the attack.

And so, Syria’s unravelling spilled into Iraq, and vice versa. Powerful re-

gional tribes such as the Shammar and Anezah, faced with countless dead and persecuted members in both countries, banded together with former Iraqi and Syrian military officers, embracing ISIS jihadis as their frontline shock troops. Cash poured in from sympa-thetic donors around the region.

Iraq’s four Sunni Arab provinces fell within days, entire Iraqi army divisions evaporated, and hundreds of millions of dollars worth of advanced American military equipment was seized by ISIS and its allies. Fuelled by what was in-creasingly a regional Sunni-Shia proxy war, Iraq and Syria had become incu-bators for transnational jihad and reli-gious hate.

As world leaders now consider a military campaign to confront ISIS, they should remember the lessons of America’s costly and largely fruitless engagements in Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam. They should understand that no amount of foreign military power can ever make up for the misrule of corrupt, failed governments like those in Damascus, Baghdad, Kabul or Sai-gon. Unless they want a regional holy war, leaders should especially discount the advice of some who are now calling for an alliance with Assad’s genocidal regime – perhaps the single greatest root cause of ISIS’s rise.

Instead, they should embrace the lessons of Iraq’s Sunni tribal awaken-ing, that only Syrian and Iraqi Sunnis can defeat radical militant Sunni en-tities like ISIS. Likewise, they should understand that only the mullahs in Tehran can help quell radical militant Shia entities like Lebanon’s Hezbol-lah, Assad’s intelligence operatives or Iraq’s militias.

• Ali Khedery is chairman and chief executive of Dragoman Partners, a stra-tegic consultancy. He served as special assistant to five American ambassadors in Iraq and as senior adviser to three heads of US Central Command from 2003-10. He was the longest continu-ously serving American official in Iraq.

The Military PressSeptember 1, 2014

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By Richard Matz,Publisher

ISIS has already be-gun its plan for world domination. They’ve cut out a piece of Syr-ia and Iraq the size of South Carolina for their terrorist Islamic state. Sharia Law has already been put into place and taken the lives of thou-sands of Christians, Muslims, Ameri-cans and anyone they feel they have the absolute right to put to death. If you think the beheading of the Ameri-can James Foley was an isolated, grue-some act, your entirely mistaken. The picture below depicts exactly what happened to Christian Muslims locat-ed in the city of Qaraqosh. Some of my editorial colleagues felt the picture might be too gruesome to be published in my article, but I totally disagree.

We Americans need to get our heads out of the sand and understand that from now on. each and every day. we will see on our TV news programs atrocities committed by the ISIS terror-ists. ISIS is funded by many different countries, groups and individuals who want to see the white, black, brown, yellow and red — yes, all Americans — put to death and drowned in our own blood.

If ISIS is permitted to take over a large part of the Arab world, we know absolutely for sure that Israel will be the first country to be wiped off the face of the earth. Once Israel is no lon-ger the tiny but dominating country in the Middle East, the world will be ISIS’ oyster.

A look at 99% of all countries that have uprisings and terrorist attacks shows they are committed by radical Islamists. It is starting to become the domino effect. One area, one country and with the one and only objective of world denomination and instituting Sharia Law throughout the land.

I hate giving credit to Vladimir Pu-tin but he realized the effects of Mus-lims becoming radical and destroying

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

ISIS’s planfor world domination

Russia. He took immediate action in Bosnia when a radical group took over a school and the radicals killed over 400 people inside the building. Putin is not as dumb as he appears to be and you have to give them credit for pro-tecting his country.

I know many people have doubts about a supreme being — or God if you will — and the prophecy in the Bible that the yellow race will roll the world at the end of time. When I look at the world today that prophecy seems to be more accurate than fiction. If Isis and radical Islam goes unchecked (NOW ) the only country eventually that will be able to defeat Isis morally, monetarily, mentally and militarily… will be China.

My uneducated butcommon sense solution

We must use all of our technology and support in arming and defending any Kurdish, Syrian or Iraqi people that want to be free and not controlled by terrorist Islamic groups such as Hamas, Al Qaeda, Isis or any other groups that supports Sharia Law. I’m not talking about boots on the ground but we need to put upwards to 10,000 advisors to di-rect and support these countries.

We also also need to fight the terror-ist by using some of his own tactics, I’m referring to their demands for ransom for any prisoners they have in captivity. We need to offer hard cash — Ameri-can dollars — to any Muslims that turns in a proven Islamic terrorist, or groups and their whereabouts so that we may send in our drones and elimi-nate them forever.

In closing, if we wait much longer and I’m talking about (NOW ) we will surely have another 9/11 or worse. Our military leaders know that ISIS is the worst enemy and threat to the Unit-ed States. We must close our borders NOW. (The money spent housing and feeding illegal aliens should be spent on America’s protection and our home-less veterans… not criminals.)

A file image alleged-ly shows militants

of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Le-vant (ISIL) execut-

ing dozens of cap-tured Iraqi security

forces members at an unknown loca-

tion in the Salahed-din province (AFP

Photo / HO)


LETTERS TOTHE EDITOR

CFC CHARITY

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Feed the Children: Serving the country by serving the military

Feed the Children is grateful for your service to our country, and we want you to know we’re here to help support you. Our vision is to create a world where no child goes to bed hun-gry. And that includes kids right here in the U.S., especially when their par-ents are working so hard to defend it.

We know military families often have tight budgets and extra burdens, so Feed the Children does what we can to help. It’s our honor to visit military bases around the country and deliver boxes full of nutritious food (which can supplement meals for a family of four

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Your family serves our country—it’s Feed the Children’s honor to serve you.

Please get your “isms” straight

To the Editor and Chuck Baldwin,Thank you for your timely article

“Police State USA.” It is particularly relevant with the events in Ferguson, Mo.

However I wish to call attention to a egregious error in the article. In the opening paragraph a contributing fac-tor to this clear and present threat to all Americans is identified as a “slide into socialism.” You need to get your “isms” straight. The slide is into FA-CISM not socialism. The oppressive tac-tics and, more importantly, overarching attitudes that support a militarized po-lice state are those of Nazi’s in the style of Hitler’s Germany, Mussolini’s Italy etc.

Socialism, in stark contrast, holds at its core the principle of the state op-erating as an advocate for the general masses. Most of our historic allies, and most of the both happiest and most prosperous nations on earth have so-cialism as their operating system. The entire British Commonwealth (Cana-da, New Zealand, Australia) all of the Scandinavian nations, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark, also Italy, Mexico, all with Socialized Medicine systems in place.

Ironically, where I find your pub-lication, the VA Hospital, is a prime example of a tremendously successful socialized, single-payer system, despite continued attempts to under fund it (a trend reversed by Obama). This is so-cialism at its best and we are fortunate to have it.

— Dr. Robert Freeman

Nam Era U.S. Army Vet


Richard Nixon37th President of the United States

Served from Jan. 20, 1969 to Aug. 9, 1974

World events• Cyclone in Bangladesh kills

500,000• Earthquake in Peru kills 67,000• Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty

goes into effect after ratifi-cation by 43 nations

• Paul McCartney an-nounces the Beatles

have disbanded• Apollo 13

mission to moon aban-doned

• Japan becomes the

world’s “fourth space power,”

after the Soviet Union (1957), the U.S. (1958), and

France (1965)• Presi- dent Abdel Nasser of

Egypt dies; 5 million turn out to honor him

• The Liberian registered tanker Pacific Glory spills up to 100,000 gallons of crude oil into the English Channel, creating a huge oil slick and environ-mental disaster

• South Australia suf-fers its worst number of fires, killing at least 75 and injuring 800

• U.S. invades Cam-bodia

• Cholera epidemic in Istanbul

• World’s population reaches 3.63 billion

• Japan has 1,083 people per sq. mile

• Aswan High Dam in Egypt is com-pleted

• Brazil wins third World Cup with Pele as

the captain

U.S. news• First Earth Day cel-

ebrated• Environmental

Protection Agency (EPA) begins op-

eration• U.S. increases

import duty taxes to pro-tect American jobs

• U.S. population reaches 205 million; 85 people per sq. mile

• Hurricane Celia makes landfall near Corpus Christi, Tex-

as, leaving 15 dead• Voting age lowered to 18 from 21

• California be-comes first state

to adopt “no

6 August 1, 2014 THE MILITARY PRESS

fault” divorce• Chicago Seven

defendants found guilty of intent to incite a riot in 1968

• Dow Jones drops to 631• National Guard fire on and kill

four protestors at Kent State

Technology• The daisy-wheel printer in-

vented• The floppy disk in-

vented

Popular culture• Isle of Wight Fes-

tival — 600,000 attend largest rock festival of

all time. Lineup includes Jimi Hendrix, The Who,

The Doors, Chicago, Richie Havens, John Sebastian, Joan

Baez, Emerson, Lake & Palmer, and Jethro Tull

Spiro Agnew39th Vice President of the United StatesServed from Jan. 20, 1969 toOct. 10, 1973 (resigned)

1955Cadillac

1970Porsche

“I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.” — Richard Nixon

Kent State Shootings


Diana Ross• “I’ll Be There,” Jackson 5• “Get Ready,” Rare Earth• “Let It Be,” Beatles• “Band of Gold,” Freda Payne

TV shows• All My Children• The Partridge Family• Mary Tyler Moore• The Odd Couple• McCloud• Nanny and the Professor• NFL Monday Night Football• Flip

BORN THIS YEAR: Kelly Ripa, talk show host.Above left: Matt Damon, actor; Tina Fey, comedian

and actress; Vince Vaughn, actor;Uma Thurman, actress

• Jimi Hendrix dies of barbiturate overdose in London

• Janis Joplin dies in a cheap

motel from a heroin overdose

• The first New York Marathon is run

Movies• M•A•S•H• Patton• Woodstock• Hello, Dolly!• Catch-22• On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Music• “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” Simon

and Garfunkel• “(They Long To Be) Close to You,” Car-

penters• “American Woman / No Sugar To-

night,” Guess Who• “Raindrops Keep Falling on My

Head,” B.J. Thomas• “War,” Edwin Starr• “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,”

• Income per year ....... $9,400• Minimum wage ........... $1.60• New house ............ $23,450• Monthly rent ................. $140• New car .................... $2,500• Gallon of gas .................. 36¢• Dozen eggs .................... 62¢• Gallon of milk ............... $1.15• Loaf of bread ..................... 25• First-class stamp .............. 6¢• Movie ticket ................. $1.30

AVERAGE COSTOF LIVING

Born this year• Mariah Carey,

singer• Queen Latifah,

actress• Melissa McCarthy,

actress• Sarah Silverman,

comedian• Heather Graham,

actress• Phil Mickelson,

golfer• Mark Foster,

Olympian• UmaThurman,

actress• Leah Remini, TV

actress

970remember when...

1

1970 PlymouthRoadrunnerConvertibleKent State Shootings

1970 Datsun240Z


Laughlin has everything you and your friends and family need to make your next getaway fun and memorable.

Laughlin is just 90 miles south of Las Vegas, an easy drive on major Southern California, Arizona and Ne-vada highways; plus, air travelers can enjoy the convenience of direct air charter flight packages.

Choose from nine distinct casino re-

sort hotels that line the banks of one of the most pristine parts of the Colorado River. You’ll experience accommoda-tions that are comfortable and afford-able with beautiful views of the river or surrounding desert mountain land-scape. Parking is always complimen-tary and you won’t find resort fees in Laughlin.

Laughlin’s compact stretch of hotels

With affordable accommodations,top-notch amenities and entertainment, lots of indoor fun and outdoor events, Laughlin is the perfect place to get away!

is connected by a river walk. You can take a leisurely stroll to easily visit any of the Laughlin resorts along the river’s shoreline or board a paddle-wheel boat

for a daily narrated cruise or two-hour dinner cruise. Take the half-day jet boat excursion from Laughlin to the London Bridge for some scenic sight-seeing. Enjoy exciting outdoor adven-ture on the river with wave runner, ca-noe or kayak rentals.

Perhaps you’re more of a land lover when it comes to outdoor recreation. Explore the rugged desert terrain in an ATV or UTV off-road vehicle. Too much dirt and not enough green? Then hit the links for a challenging round of golf. You’ll find six 18-hole courses within 30 minutes of the resorts and Laughlin’s weather makes great golf a year-round option. The North Reach Park and Trails has five miles of hik-ing, jogging, bicycling and equestrian trails, day-use area with a grassy am-phitheater, and children’s playground and spray pad.

Then … it’s showtime! Some of the biggest names in music have taken the stage in Laughlin, from Reba McEntire to Toby Keith to Rascal Flatts. From huge concerts to intimate lounge shows to some of the country’s top comedi-ans giving you a night of memorable laughs, you’ll find them all in Laughlin.

You’re sure to work up quite an appetite and, fortunately, there are unique and fun restaurants that will satisfy any taste bud and budget. The Colorado Belle’s Loading Dock Bar & Grille serves terrific Southwestern bar-beque with indoor and outdoor patio seating. Bumbleberry Flats in the Pio-neer serves up American comfort food with a Southern twist and features ta-bleside beer taps.

Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. at Golden Nugget Laughlin has all your seafood favorites with outdoor deck seating overlooking the Colorado River. You can treat your palate to more elegant dining at Riverside Resort’s Gour-met Room, The Range steak house at Harrah’s, or The Steakhouse at Tropi-cana. You’ll also find casual cafes and all-you-can-eat buffets.

Toss in a little pampering with an invigorating spa treatment, big-name entertainment options year-round and exciting nightlife, and you’ll see why Laughlin is the perfect place to plan your next getaway.

For more, go to VisitLaughlin.com.

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© 2011 Wounded Warrior Project® All Rights Reserved

COMMUNITY


By Rep. Duncan HunterIn a jail cell in Mexico sits Andrew

Tahmooressi, a former Marine Corps Sergeant who served honorably and survived two combat tours in Afghani-stan. For almost five months, Andrew has languished in prison for simply tak-ing a wrong turn into Mexico.

In past months, President Obama has found enough time to respond to the proposed deportation of Justin Bieber, talk up the White House beer recipe and offer insights into a wide variety of topics that are compara-tively insignificant. His own online pe-tition page collected more than the 120,000 signatures, thereby requiring a response from the White House. But Obama has yet to utter a single word on behalf of Tahmooressi.

As a combat Marine, Andrew saved lives on at least two occasions and sur-vived a roadside bomb blast that de-stroyed his vehicle and injured himself and others. His promotion to Sergeant came meritoriously and either on the battlefield or off, his commitment to his fellow Marines was unbreakable. In every sense, Andrew was a top-notch.

The alleged crime by no means pres-ents any real shock value: Andrew en-tered Mexico with three legally owned firearms. He did not conceal the weap-ons or attempt to mislead Mexican border officials, who happened to deny his initial request to turn around. They confiscated his firearms and the rest of his possessions. That night and into the next day, he endured a period of deten-

ObamafiddleswhileMarinesits in jail

tion that exceeded the permissible lim-its, and he was denied the appropriate translation services.

The accusation was that Andrew was trafficking weapons but the facts sup-port a far different version of events. The night he was arrested, Andrew was visiting friends near the border area. He was relatively new to San Diego, California, seeking treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at the rec-ommendation and instance of friends who lived in the region, which is home to some of the best treatment and care facilities in the country. For area resi-dents, some of whom have lived in San Diego their entire lives, the border is a complicated place, day or night, and wrong turns are quite common.

For whatever reason, Mexican offi-cials violated Andrew’s rights. In fact, my office recovered audio of the 911 phone call Andrew made immediately after he was directed into secondary screening. He tells the dispatcher that he took a wrong turn, that he didn’t in-tend to enter Mexico and that he pre-

sumed turning around was possible. The dispatcher informed him that he missed the turnaround and proceeded to say there was nothing that could be done to help.

The 911 audio is critical to Andrew’s defense, among other key pieces of evidence revealed through several evidentiary hearings. The tape verifies Andrew’s intent not to enter Mexico while other violations, including the prolonged detention and failure to con-tact U.S. counterparts and provide a suitable translator, invalidate actions on the Mexican side of the border.

Until recently, resolution seemed distant and sometimes uncertain. But new developments in the case could produce a ruling as early as next week thanks in part to a range of legal op-tions that are under serious consider-ation. The expectation is that Mexico will do the right thing and release An-drew.

Through this entire episode, it is worth noting that Mexico-despite maintaining the belief that its justice

system should be given a chance to work-has been relatively direct and open to conversation on Andrew’s de-tention. Conversely, the President, his Administration and State Department have been silent. And for the most part, any support provided by the State De-partment has been routine under the circumstances.

A Marine of Andrew’s caliber de-serves more from his government. By now, the President and his Administra-tion probably won’t make a difference in Andrew’s case but out of respect to our veterans and our military, the Pres-ident should try to make an effort at least. Andrew is owed that much from the Commander in Chief he coura-geously served as U.S. Marine.

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ACROSS1. Very5. Russian parliament9. Dull pain13. Dwarf buffalo14. Sporting venue16. Weightlifters pump this17. Hobbling gait18. Furnaces19. Marsh plant20. Stairs22. Never-ending24. Water barrier26. Lacquer ingredient27. Not success30. Insect wounds33. Temporary cessation35. Harvests37. 2,000 pounds38. European currency41. Take in slowly42. Burn slightly45. Aardvark48. Yeast or baking powder51. Thirstily52. Adult male singing voice54. Lawn mower brand55. It produces electricity59. Melodies62. Affirm63. Certain European shrubs65. Alone66. Opera star67. Tall woody plants68. Portent69. Kill

70. Oxen’s harness71. Caustics

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11. Garden tools12. Terminates15. Something of value21. Gull-like bird23. Arab chieftain25. Sea eagle27. Lipids28. Agitated29. Euro forerunner31. Culinary art32. Patter34. Historic period36. Agile39. Half of a pair

40. Immediately43. Entryway44. Always46. Prima donna problems47. Spray can49. Make into law50. ___ public53. Cowboy sport55. Spurs56. Wicked57. Exploded star58. Stink60. Delight61. Male offspring64. South southeastP

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This week’s solutions:

SUDOKUThe rules to play Sudoku are quite simple. Fill in the blanks

so that each row, each column, and each of the nine 3x3 grids contain one instance of each of the numbers 1 through 9.

Just for

LaughsDeath bedconfession

My wife was dying. I was by her bed-side. She said in a tired voice, “There’s something I must confess.” “Shhh,” I said, “there’s nothing to confess. Ev-erythings alright.” “No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!” “I know,” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you, now close your eyes!”

Dictionary pleaseSon: “Dad whats the difference

between confident and confiden-tial?” Dad: “Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That’s confidential.”

Fly jokeThis guy comes back from the toi-

let, when a women says to him, “Hey, you have left your GARAGE door

open!” As the man is zipping his fly up, he says with a big smile, “Did you see my big white Mustang?” The woman re-plies, “Nope just a MINI COOPER with two flat tires.”

Pencil me inWhen NASA first started

sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to de-velop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, under-water, on almost any surface including glass and at tempera-

tures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Ducks & elephantsQ: Why do ducks have webbed feet?A: To put out fires.Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?A: To put out burning ducks.

Blonde in disguiseTired of constant blonde jokes, a

blonde dyes her hair brown. She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

“Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?” she asks.

The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, “352!”

The shepherd is stunned but keeps

his word and allows her to pick a sheep.“I’ll take this one,” she says proudly.

“It’s the cutest!”“Hey lady,” says the shepherd. “If

I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?”

At the doorQ: If your wife is shouting at the

front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog -- at least he’ll quiet down after you let him

Dog ballsQ: What do you call a dog that has

balls of steel and is dragging them across cement?

A: Sparky.

The dead dogThere was a lady, who had a dog

that she loved, and he followed her ev-erywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed ‘’sleeping’’. She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ‘’Your dog is dead’’. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.

The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came

out and said again, ‘’Your dog is dead’’.She was like ‘’Ok, how much do I

owe you?’’The doctor said ‘’$300’’She said, ‘’What!?!? How could it

cost that much??’’He said ‘’$15 for me to say he was

dead. Then $285 for the cat scan’’

The duck and the condomTwo ducks go on their honeymoon

and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, “Oh, we haven’t got any condoms. I’ll ring down to room service.” He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, “OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?”

“No,” he says, “I’ll suffocate!”

Everyone’s doing itQ: What’s bright-eyed and bushy-

tailed?A: A squirrel on crack.

Drowning lawyerQ: How do you stop a lawyer from

drowning?A: Shoot him before he hits the wa-

ter.

Condom dogA guy walks into a store and buys

six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, “What are you go-ing to do with all of those?”

The guy replies, “I taught my dog to swallow them, and now all l do is pick-up little plastic baggies!”


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Military Press Zone 2, Sept. 1, 2014