NAUSEA

AUDIT CHAOS

NAUSEA

A series of poems on the theme of existence written by Audit Chaos

CHAOS BOOKS

VOLUME II

CHAOS BOOKS

PUBLISHED BY AUDIT CHAOS

PUBLISHED BY CHAOS BOOKS,

IPSWICH, ENGLAND

1ST PUBLISHED JANUARY 2014

© AUDIT CHAOS

ISBN — 978-1-291-69180-1

0486285154 2

0803283539 4

0140445137 6

0140445153 8

0140445145 10

0141182520 12

1846550092 14

9780141197555 16

9780199238293 18

0141182520 20

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In order to keep a distance I picture the moment.

We shall do a great deal once we run parallel with

The metaphysical miracle as separate worlds of dreams.

The appearance speaks to us, but when this dream

Is most intense; this reality in which we live,

Must include that delicate boundary in measured restraint.

Impulses are satisfied, to say nothing of the phenomena

May wring sounds of agony; the annihilation of the veil-

Discouraged and disappointed there is nothing here.

How could they have endured existence? A perfect

World? We do not consider the question of reality.

An appearance of appearance is the counter appearance.

Invisible to those wrapped in floating sublime gestures,

Running through the entire chromatic scale of passions-

I have removed blissful peace into the stress of desire.

I do not think I am unreasonable, in reality we must realize

There is no longer any use in comfort in impregnable barriers.

We must always remember a purely passive attitude.

Counterfeit passions and masked words exhibit a happy state.

The invisible chorus yielded to their demands, let us think-

We must first ask ourselves, who cares? Wait till it happens.

Amid this flux of phenomena a comfort tears us in view,

We are detained by the question, the ordinary essence.

It has been shaken by the fear of its own conclusions.

They could abandon themselves in a true abstract.

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I tried to shelter somewhere; to recover from myself,

How can something arise from its opposite truths?

The separation into body and soul is the highest use,

Out of a concern for happiness there is nothing.

With negative qualities the harmless future

Stimulates images from the mind – visual impressions.

They must interpret this event correctly, prevail error-

Our feelings of space and time are false conclusions.

It is one of the disharmonies of existence –

Knowledge can only allow pleasure and unpleasure,

I could just as well imagine a different self-reflection;

We forget an error called responsibility, called freedom.

To this extent it is erroneous, a shadow and untruth-

We feel it more painfully when we ourselves do it.

There is more happiness to be found than eyes see,

Want of silence is universal; to be sure we suffer,

We cut ourselves in order to cure ourselves –

Each step in progress, each error, causes great pain.

If we imagine ourselves, there is nothing outside.

A certain false psychology ceases to be, to exist;

An opportunity relives itself by self-denial, it

Takes over a number of moods and feelings –

It lays a gauze over reality and unfinished thoughts.

All must become experimenting imitators.

The best has been inherited from feelings of time

I am aquitted, take the side of the intellectually weak.

It looks chaotic, haunted by ghosts of the future-

There is a gap in the logical untouched abstraction.

We can separate sections as autonomous irony-

A dialogue is the perfect conversation.

The intention of influencing the masses from

Silent isolation to try the power of their lungs,

I make myself impossible; the past is built on error.

In these dangerous dreams innocent corruption

Is impossible, it breathes the exposure of weakness,

Negative advantages force our pain to freedom. 4

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Perhaps some play on words or patience has expanded

The will to truth; tempting us with questions,

Is it any wonder we lose our patience- who is it?

The pause and doubt on the threshold speak seriously,

Having read their lines I tell myself the ultimate goal-

There is nothing decided and decisive, itself a power.

It creates the world in its own image, the problem;

There is disbelief in all that has been constructed-

Nothing new or genuine we ought to acknowledge.

Reality let us stop and reflect, the dream disappeared

But is that an answer, an explanation, an interpretation?

There are still harmless self-observers who still believe.

We ought to get free from the seduction of words,

Let us therefore be cautious, consciousness adheres.

Who obeys sensation, constraint, compulsion; ourselves?

The power of prejudices has penetrated deep-

What strange simplification, free, easy and false.

From the beginning we understood how to retain ignorance.

Instead of the consequences an inversion of perspectives

In belief needs interpreting – we may adopt today.

Nothing is given as real, except our world of desires;

We can sink to no other reality, thinking is the relationship.

A questionable question I could believe, the expression;

of self-contradiction itself; the compass of inner experience.

Still un-exhausted, repeat these beautiful words;

A future bliss against nothingness is fear who exists.

I listened for an echo, what we do in dreams we forget,

Our conscience submits for the promotion of happiness.

To ask again, is greatness – possible today? They imagine

With all our dangerous curiosity, I now suggest change.

They call it freedom, an indescribable anxiety perfecting

Ourselves, a problem and refusal to let it approach.

Signposts to the problem evoke dangerous and beautiful

Thoughts touching on what is to me – corruption,

Something fundamentally different, its sublime sacrifice.

Let us at least be honest with ourselves.

There is a delight in the nuances of those who wait. 6

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I must approach, I have been neither heard nor seen.

The ice is near, the solitude terrible, I bid you lose me-

Find yourselves. Only when you have denied me, will I return.

I lived through summer like a shadow, there is nothing wrong

It is only I who discovered, I have never understood.

I wait where I stand alone, what happened to me?

How did I free myself from disgust to reflect

On something out of which nothing grows.

It was only sickness that brought me to reason-

I discovered all these abysses in myself

It is like an afternoon in October, I don't know

How I can avoid answering the question.

I have the right to understand to say something

Almost every sentence is the expression of idealism.

The sound of the voice has completely changed,

The ideal is not refuted, in vain I scanned my memories

I was overcome with impatience at myself.

I stopped, then this idea came to me, a perhaps

Insignificant symptom of the condition of this year.

Pain does not count- the concept of revelation

Becomes visible, audible - I have never had any choice.

I was perfectly vigorous and perfectly patient,

The task for the immediately following years was clear;

They feel free to discuss everything I fear.

They have decided about me, with that there is nothing,

Now they preserve their existence as much at the

Expense of the truth, as at the expense of the future.

Have I been understood?

Have I been understood?

Have I been understood?

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To stay responsible casts a shadow all too oppressive

That someone may notice. I avoid them;

You are no more than an imitation, a sound of doubt.

Let us not forget those auditory hallucinations;

What is really happening when that happens?

Rationality was a saviour, yielding to the unconscious.

Nothing has escaped from their hands, they all believe,

They look for reasons, the cause of our falsification.

Reality shall challenge contradiction, what is left?

Living is no more than the symptom, the question-

We believed ourselves – another error.

We acknowledge, become conscious but nothing exists!

They have the illusion beneath them, I fear the end.

With us it’s different, its origin transcendental.

Conscious of the conclusion, we grow beyond words.

-the hammer speaks.

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All expectations are false, we are still together.

We drive through empty streets as if I didn’t exist-

We look up in the air; it’s the only thing that matters.

Our conduct has unfortunately not been correct,

There’s nothing to complain about.

An artificial wasteland has been created here,

Nothing could be more natural, but during the pauses

Everyone gazes. An invisible danger went past.

At last I arrived; I was beginning to detect it in myself,

I don’t know, was my soundless cry, I’ve done no harm.

Morning comes flooding back like an incoming tide,

How persuasive in its power is the air? I’m standing.

My place in this world feels the need for contact,

I screamed to hear no answer; I’d like to close the door.

To repeat, I really must ask you to stop it.

However close any stranger might come to you,

Don’t be too sure; restlessness passed on.

Everything called for haste, wasn’t there something?

Do not misunderstand the situation, they’re my witnesses,

It was no dream - I went back to sleep.

Falling from such a height did no damage, I think

The best thing would be if we tried to forget.

But at this point, reflections lingered no more,

This overworked an exhausted time had abstraction,

There was nothing else to distract the eye.

Without being distracted by false whipserings, you believe.

Today it cannot be denied, I was at a loss for something…

That’s how it is; I wasn’t going to waste any time.

They do not know our language, I wanted to sleep,

I find myself unable to comply with your request.

I can still recall the sound; I have to be careful,

I repeat, I felt no desire - I do not share the anxiety. 12

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The true path is long, all human errors

Stem from impatience; from paradise.

There is no more turning back -

As yet nothing has happened, forcing

The true explanation, you would be wrong.

I've never been here, it keeps happening,

It can be calculated- flung a distance.

There are innumerable hiding places,

The positive is already within us.

Not knowing is the fantasy...

An answer to my question I asked,

They were offered the choice, belief

In progress, in the constructed world.

Everything is deception, a question -

We are living in a false belief, test yourself.

No one can be satisfied understanding alone,

Perhaps withdrawal is suffering the void.

You wouldn't be able to look it claimed,

Don't wait, the whole world will be unmasked.

- It will writhe in ecstasy.

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Nothing could be seen, not a glimmer of presence

There’s a silence that’s not certain yet- it was visible.

The abrupt silence was no doubt pleasing, I’m a stranger,

You’re no doubt surprised and delighted by these words.

Shouting was the only way to communicate with them.

The answer came back; they were no longer visible,

When the question was discussed they all had doubts.

It sounds absurd, but it’s true, it’s very awkward for me,

Not knowing for certain its suffocating, I’m going to look.

However much I respect you, you’re still a stranger.

I’m not denying it’s possible, I would ask you not to,

The boundaries are worked out, everything is registered.

I don’t dare express myself on the subject on my own,

There’s an element of truth in your view, tell me;

You’re the stranger I spoke to, nothing is lost if we accept.

How calm this conviction more desperate than freedom?

The contradiction obeying distant directives couldn’t improve.

I dream, I really do, there’s no quiet place here on earth,

None of this was too painful - it’s another of life’s torments;

With your sympathetic words, you did what was not easy.

My past came back to me in your words, I heard my future-

There was no awkwardness anymore, that’s behind me.

From all you’ve told me, I believe I see clearly now,

I’m not afraid. If I hesitate it’s because I still have my doubts,

This was nothing to do with the externals.

The body will only keep going for so long,

It made the connection possible. 16

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That had never happened before-

In a way it was recognising the surveillance,

But that didn’t seem important.

It was impossible to tell at a glance;

You will be told everything at an appropriate time

That is the law. The pointlessness of the act,

You expect there to be some point.

I can be honest and tell you, I listened.

It wasn’t worth wasting words on,

How can I get you to believe me?

While it’s unpleasant for you, I need to be alone

I presume you haven’t been wasting your time,

I suppose you don’t believe I’ve been accused

Nothing would have happened.

As far as strangeness is concerned,

They were well equipped with the ordinary.

I’ve seen you twice recently, if I put it off

It will probably be no use to you.

We’re talking about two different things here;

What is written and what I’ve experienced,

I can’t afford to ignore anything that might help me.

Keep following it until you come to an exit.

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Through an opening of daylight I lost my way.

You’re all alone, and now you’ve lost the box as well,

Why did you have to go? There was some reason-

I don’t suppose you’re thinking seriously.

The unbroken silence was disturbed by a series of taps,

The whole room naturally sprang to life.

Everything seemed to be going the right way

Curious objects - everything was clearer now.

Before the witnesses come in and confuse the silence

I suspected it all the time; it did me no harm.

Why do you put up with everything; you’ve been

Unjustly treated, sympathy was something to hope for.

My right arm was lying on a table as if it were strangely

Heavy, the fingers kept twitching with inhuman regularity

I didn’t know it was to be today. Well, here we are,

I didn’t want to introduce myself in the darkness.

If only there were a ray of light to be seen, or a voice

To be heard in the distance; it was slow progress.

It seemed to exist merely to make a hollow sound,

I was torn right out of that systematic course,

Sometimes I think I know nothing, I couldn’t foresee

That I would have such bad luck, you can imagine.

But I shall stick to my instructions, its time I was gone,

They did nothing but rush, the room was filling up.

It’s no good they’ve probably torn up the photograph,

If you’ve seen something; I’ll fix everything.

I think you’d be better here, though you’ll have nothing;

Tomorrow it won’t be so hard, I can do nothing more.

I’ll listen to no excuses; you can keep your lying apologies,

The fact that you were not there is quite enough for me.

I pretend not to notice I saw you, it happened with rapidity,

I couldn’t actually believe it; I still have confidence in you.

Forget everything that may have been said to you here,

From outside you could not really imagine what looked like.

I have myself an obligation; I am completely in your power,

Don’t move. I began running – I can’t leave here very often.

I work as long as I can and when I can’t do it any longer

I’ll just lie down, and then I’ll find out – too late. 20