NEW GIRL"JESS IS RETARDED"

Written by

Dale Zawada

www.dalezawada.comdalezawada@gmail.com

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Jess, Winston, Nick, and Schmidt sit on the couch playing video games. Jess holds her controller upside down.

WINSTONYou’re doing that wrong.

JESSI’m winning, aren’t I?

SCHMIDTYou’re running into the wall.

JESSThat’s how I play.

NICKLet her play how she wants. She’s a free spirit.

Nick sees Jess is drooling heavily from the side of her mouth.

NICKFree spirit.

Schmidt coughs. The others notice he’s pale and not as energetic and douchey as usual.

WINSTONWhat the hell is wrong with you?

SCHMIDTGot a Lamborghini.

JESSSo? Did you have to sell your kidney to get it?

SCHMIDTExactly.

JESSI’m good at guessing!

SCHMIDTI’m going to score mad chicks.

JESSYou should get some nice ones too. Ones without anger issues!

The group returns their focus to the video game.

NICKI’ve got some news myself.

SCHMIDTYour boyfriend proposed? Because you’re gay.

NICKNo. Mr. Wallace, my old professor from college --

WINSTONFrom when you were trying to be a lawyer?

NICKYeah. He quit teaching and started his own law firm and wants ME to come aboard.

SCHMIDTYou?

NICKI know! He was a mean old bastard. Didn’t even think he liked me. This could be my big moment! He’s coming to dinner in three days so we have to make something nice, show off a bit and impress the guy and his wife.

WINSTONWife? How’s her vag looking?

NICKProbably pretty old. They’re in their sixties. Why so interested, Winston?

WINSTONNo reason.

SCHMIDTHe hasn’t been laid in a couple weeks.

2.

WINSTONThree weeks. I bumped up against the coffee table the other day and lost it.

JESSSo that wasn’t spilled milk.

SCHMIDTJust ride with me, Winston. I’m going to get all the ladies with my Lambo now. Chicks dig hot rides, right Jess?

Jess isn’t listening. She has her tongue out and is trying to win at the game.

JESSSomeone help me. I’m going to win!

WINSTONNobody is going to help you.

NICKI got ya.

Nick does some controller magic, saves Jess, and wins the game.

JESSYou saved me!

Nick puts the controller down while Winston and Schmidt continue to fume over the loss.

NICKSo because of the new gig...I’m moving out.

Schmidt and Winston slam their controllers down.

SCHMIDT & WINSTONGood!

The frustrated Schmidt and Winston storm off, leaving Jess and Nick alone. Jess and Nick share a smile. The sweet moment is broken by a loud Jess fart.

JESSFree spirit!

MAIN CREDITS

3.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Nick sits at the table reading law books. Winston watches him with disgust as Schmidt shuffles in, clammy and pale.

WINSTONWill you go see a doctor.

SCHMIDTNo chance. Unless it’s a lady doctor.

NICKCan you guys take your boy’s club elsewhere?

WINSTONMr. Wallace isn’t going to give you an exam at dinner.

NICKHe might. He’s kind of a dick.

Jess walks in wearing footy pajamas.

JESSDid someone say penis?

NICKNo. If this dinner is a success I’ll do a full-blown cartwheel.

Jess makes Nick pinky promise.

JESSIf you’re so worried about this guy, just mimic him.

WINSTONLike an annoying toddler?

JESSLike his movements, the way he speaks.

SCHMIDTShe might be on to something. What is this guy like?

NICKHe’s a hard ass. He knows a lot. He’s always dropping famous quotes on people.

4.

JESSI got it! If he is always reciting quotes, you can share a fact of your own. You can be fun fact guy!

WINSTONThat’s not bad. Even you can’t screw that up.

Smoke fills the room.

JESSSmoke monster! Go away, Jacob!

They all rush to the kitchen. Nick grabs the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire atop the stove.

NICKWho was cooking something and forgot about it?

After several seconds of nobody coming clean...

NICKIt was me, wasn’t it? I forgot. It said 45 minutes.

JESSYou put it on two hours ago.

NICKI’m not good with remembering times, leave me alone. I’m good at other things.

WINSTONLike what?

NICKLike fun facts.

The group waits for Nick to wow them with a fun fact. He struggles.

NICKDid you know the heart pumps 1,800 gallons of blood a day?

JESSNick, fun facts are supposed to be FUN. That is not --

Jess loses her footing and falls hard to the ground. Nick and Winston help her up.

5.

JESSI’m okay!

WINSTONWhat are you wearing those for anyway?

(he licks his lips)I mean...you look good....real good, but why are you wearing footy pajamas in the middle of the day?

She just gives him a look that screams FREE SPIRIT.

NICKI need to brush up on fun facts if I am going to impress Mr. Wallace in three days. I’m going to the book store.

SCHMIDTI’ll drive you.

NICKI said book store, not strip club.

SCHMIDTNerd girls are hot. They do extra stuff to you to make sure you don’t leave them.

NICK & WINSTONJar.

Schmidt takes out a wad of money and goes to put it in the “douche jar” but there is an actual douche bottle in it.

SCHMIDTThat’s not what it’s for, Jess! Let’s go, lawyer boy.

Nick and Schmidt leave. Winston gives Jess the sexy eyes.

WINSTONYou’re looking pretty good lately, Jess.

JESSI started shaving my lady mustache.

WINSTONWe have the place to ourselves.

Winston moves in closer to the clueless girl.

6.

WINSTONYou thinking what I’m thinking?

JESSYes.

She leans in sexually.

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jess and Winston sit on the couch watching TV. Winston seems put off.

WINSTONWatching TV is not what I was thinking.

JESSIt should have been. Hey, I wanted to say something to you.

WINSTONOh yeah?

He leans in.

JESSYeah. I’ve been wanting to say it for a while.

WINSTONGo on, Jess. You can tell me whatever you want.

JESSI wanted to apologize for racism.

WINSTONYou what?

JESSI just feel bad about how much the odds are stacked against you guys.

WINSTONThanks?

JESSBut hey, at least you guys got the extra tendon.

WINSTONThe what?

7.

JESSThe extra tendon African-American gentlemen are born with. Duh. That’s what it means when people say black guys are well-endowed.

Winston is flabbergasted and turned off completely.

WINSTONLet’s just watch TV. Want to watch American Idol?

JESSI don’t like reality shows.

Winston flips the channels some.

WINSTONHere, Ghostbusters 2.

JESSI said no reality shows!

INT. BOOK STORE - DAY

Schmidt and Nick walk through the book store.

SCHMIDTLook at all these well-read ladies. I feel very intimidated and not in charge at all.

NICKYou have a Lamborghini for crying out loud, have some respect for yourself.

SCHMIDTThat’s true.

Nick disappears down an aisle. Schmidt moves in on a young woman with glasses who is checking out new releases.

SCHMIDTLike books?

YOUNG WOMANI do.

SCHMIDTYou like the Kama Sutra?

8.

YOUNG WOMANI’ve never read it.

SCHMIDTThat’s okay, I have a copy on my night stand. I can show it to you.

The young woman actually falls for this nonsense. She leans in, twirling her hair.

YOUNG WOMANMaybe tonight we can --

Schmidt VOMITS UNCONTROLLABLY on the young woman. He covers her in green and yellow chunks. She screams and storms out. Schmidt bends over and wipes his mouth.

SCHMIDTWhat time tonight?!

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jess and Winston watch Peter Pan on TV. Peter Pan and the kids break into “You Can Fly.” Winston looks bummed.

JESSWhat’s wrong? Racism still? I know.

WINSTONNo. It’s just, I COULD fly. Before.

JESSThat’s right. Basketball. Extra tendon didn’t help you there. Don’t worry, Winston, you can still fly!

Jess jumps up and breaks into song, singing along with the Peter Pan and the children on TV.

JESS(singing)

Think of the happiest thingsIt's the same as having wingsTake the path that moonbeams makeIf the moon is still awake

Jess pulls Winston to his feet. He finally cracks a smile. Jess opens the window and takes in a deep breath.

9.

JESS(singing)

You'll see him wink his eyeYou can fly, you can fly!You can fly!

Jess takes ballerina leaps.

JESSCome on, Winston.

She continues to leap. Winston joins in.

JESSThink of all the joy you'll findWhen you leave the world behindAnd bid your cares goodbyeYou can fly, you can fly!You can fly!

Jess leaps right out the window.

WINSTONJess!

Winston runs to the window but pulls a muscle in his leg.

WINSTONDamn extra tendon. Jess!

EXT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Winston sits in a chair outside the room. Schmidt and Nick run up.

NICKWhat happened?

WINSTONShe jumped out the window!

SCHMIDTYou killed her! Nobody just jumps out of a window.

WINSTONShe was singing and dancing, and just went out.

NICKThat does sound more believable.

Schmidt coughs heavily.

10.

NICKGo see a doctor. We’re IN a hospital.

SCHMIDTToo much work.

DOCTOR JACOBY walks out of Jess’s room.

NICKThere’s a doctor RIGHT HERE.

SCHMIDTWhat’s her story, Doc?

DR. JACOBYShe’s gone.

The guys gasp.

NICKShe’s dead?

DR. JACOBYNo. She’s gone.

SCHMIDTWe’re doing this thing? What, she left the hospital?

DR. JACOBYNo. She’s gone.

The group has had enough. They rush inside the room.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

They guys walk in and see Jess in bed, unconscious and looking relatively healthy.

NICKShe’s right there. How is she “gone?”

DR. JACOBYIf you guys would let me finish, I mean she’s gone...in the head. She’s mentally retarded.

WINSTONWhat?

11.

SCHMIDTThe fall knocked her retarded?

DR. JACOBYWe ran a CT scan on her --

NICKFun fact: The odds of getting cancer from a CT scan is 1 in 1,000.

The guys collectively ignore Nick. The doctor continues.

DR. JACOBYWe ran a CT scan on her and the results showed she’s been this way about for nine to ten years.

SCHMIDTShe’s been tarded for ten years?

DR. JACOBYIt looks that way.

NICKIs she okay though? Will she survive?

DR. JACOBYYeah. She cut her arm but is very lucky to walk out without any serious damage.

SCHMIDTExcept being retarded. Doctors, man, I tell ya. You come in for one thing, and you walk out retarded.

DR. JACOBYI’ll let you gentlemen visit your friend.

SCHMIDTWell take this guy with you.

Schmidt pushes Winston towards the doctor.

SCHMIDTHe’s the one who tried to kill her.

WINSTONI didn’t throw her!

12.

JESSStop blaming Winston! It’s racist.

The three guys turn to see Jess sitting up. They run up to her.

NICKAre you okay?

JESS‘tis a scratch.

Jess shows off her arm, which is a HIDEOUSLY LONG SCAR on it. The guys groan and hold back chunks.

SCHMIDTJeez!

NURSE TAMRA, a cute black nurse, comes in to check on Jess.

WINSTONHow are you, nurse beautiful?

NURSE TAMBRA(voice of a man)

Much better now.

Winston hightails it out of the room.

NURSE TAMBRA(regular lady voice)

Men. Jess, you are good to go. Go on and get dressed.

NICKShe’s good to go?

NURSE TAMBRAAccording to her insurance.

JESSI don’t have insurance.

NURSE TAMBRAExactly.

NICKFun fact: you’re a bitch.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Nick, Winston, Schmidt, and Cece usher Jess inside. They baby her.

13.

NICKEverything is going to be okay, Jess.

JESSI like pancakes.

CECEI know you do, sweetie.

WINSTONDid you know about her condition, Cece?

CECEOf course I did.

NICKWhy didn’t you tell us?

CECEI thought it was pretty obvious. You’ve seen how she acts. Do you need me to tell you the bum outside your building is crazy or can you figure that one out by yourself?

SCHMIDTI figured it out when he bit my eye.

CECEHow could you morons not know she was special?

NICKWe just thought she was a free spirit.

JESSFree spirit!

CECEI know, honey.

SCHMIDTWhat happened to her?

CECEIn high school, Jess was captain of the cheerleading squad. She was the only one who could top the pyramid. It was our championship game.

14.

NICKAnd they dropped her?

WINSTONAnd she landed on her head?

CECENo, she got into a car accident on the way there. Drunk driver got her.

NICKOh.

SCHMIDTThat’s very kind of you for still being her friend all these years.

Schmidt rubs up on Cece.

CECEGet off. This is not the time. There is never going to be another time. I’m not a slut that just goes back to the guy with the hot body whenever it’s convenient.

SCHMIDTI have a Lamborghini now.

She takes his hand and leads him out of the apartment.

Nick and Winston stare nervously at Jess.

NICKIs it just me or is she --

WINSTONStill smoking hot.

NICKHotter almost. More approachable.

WINSTONWe can’t though. It wouldn’t be right. Right?

NICKYeah, Jess is officially off limits now. What does it say about me that I was in love with a handicapped?

15.

WINSTONNothing we didn’t already know about you.

NICKCan you watch her for a bit? I have to read up for Mr. Wallace in three days.

WINSTONSure. Go on, get your read on.

Nick walks off. Winston joins Jess on the couch.

JESSWinston?

WINSTONYeah?

JESSSorry about Hitler.

WINSTONIt’s okay. Actually, there’s a way you can make it up to me.

Winston scoots closer. He leans in to kiss her. She closes her eyes and makes a goofy kiss face.

Nick runs in at the last second to break it up.

NICKWhat are you doing?!

WINSTONIt’s not what it looks like!

NICKWhat is wrong with you, man?

WINSTONIt’s been soooo long.

NICKGet out of here. Go on. Go make dinner or something.

WINSTONSure thing. Lasagna?

NICKFrom scratch?

16.

WINSTONYeah, right.

Winston heads to the kitchen.

Nick sits on the ouch and grabs Jess’s hands to comfort her.

NICKIt’s okay, Jess. We’re still going to be here for you. We’re always going to be around.

JESSLike ghosts.

NICKLike ghosts.

She leans in and gives him a friendly hug. He hugs her back. After their hug, Jess grabs a candle off the table and starts eating it.

NICKNo no no.

He grabs the candle, blows it out, and puts it back down.

NICKYou’ll figure it out.

Nick looks around to make sure they’re alone. He doesn’t see Winston peering from the kitchen.

NICKFun fact: forty-two percent of couples suggest making love on the couch.

Nick leans in to kiss her but Winston runs up swinging a spatula.

WINSTONYou animal!

NICKI knew you were there! I was kidding! I would never do that.

WINSTONI’m watching you!

Winston goes back to the kitchen.

17.

NICKWe’re going to take care of you, Jess. For real. We love you.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK at the door. Nick jumps up.

WINSTON (O.S.)Answer it.

NICKWhat if it’s Mr. Wallace and I got the date wrong?

WINSTON (O.S.)Then we’re having lasagna for dinner.

Nick answers the door. Schmidt and Cece push through.

NICKOh, thank God. What are you knocking for?

SCHMIDTLocked my keys in the Lambo after pleasuring Cece.

Nick closes the door.

NICKGood. For a second I thought you were Mr. And Mrs. Wallace.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK at the door. Nick opens it. MR. & MRS. WALLACE stand in the hall.

NICKOh, come on!

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Mr. & Mrs. Wallace sit next to each other. Across from them sit Nick and Jess. Winston gets the seat next to Mrs. Wallace. Cece and Schmidt sit at the heads of the table.

MR. WALLACEGood to see you settled down with this special young lady, Nick.

NICKHow did you know she was special?

18.

MR. WALLACEIt’s a compliment.

NICKOh, right!

MR. WALLACEYou never were good with compliments.

NICKI never got any.

Jess chimes in ten seconds late.

JESSWe are husband and wife.

MR. WALLACEStill shocked by that. Always thought you were a gay, Nick.

NICKYeah, I get that sometimes.

WINSTONI’m still not totally convinced.

Mrs. Wallace blushes and laughs heartily.

MRS. WALLACEYou’re funny.

JESSCheck out this scar!

Jess shows off her arm scar. Nick quickly changes the subject.

NICKFun fact: Lasagna is believed to have originated in Italy.

JESSYou don’t say!

Mr. Wallace chuckles at Jess’s sarcastic reply, even though she was being sincere.

MR. WALLACEI’ve always been fond of lasagna, even though it’s not that great for you.

19.

But as Mark Twain said, “part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

NICKFun fact: Mark Twain went bankrupt in 1894.

MR. WALLACE“When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.”

JESSThat’s wild.

MR. WALLACEIt IS Oscar Wilde. Jess, you’re quite the catch.

MRS. WALLACEA lot of catches at this table.

Mrs. Wallace puts her wrinkly hand on Winston’s knee. His repulsion turns to arousal.

WINSTONMrs. Wallace, I see you have a scarf.

MRS. WALLACEYes, it was Marilyn’s.

WINSTONPerhaps you would like to see my scarf collection in my room?

SCHMIDTYou have a scarf collection?

WINSTONI do. In my room.

NICKPlease don’t have a scarf collection, Winston.

WINSTONSorry, Nick. I’ve got a big ol’ scarf collection.

20.

MR. WALLACEWell stop talking about it and go view your feminine accessories. Looks like I pegged the wrong man as a gay.

Winston ushers Mrs. Wallace to his room.

Schmidt passes out at the table. His face falls into the lasagna. The impact wakes him up.

SCHMIDTCollectable centaurs.

MR. WALLACEAre you okay, young man?

SCHMIDTA-ok, Dr. Washington.

NICKSo, Mr. Wallace, I’m very excited about the possible opportunity to work under you at your firm.

MR. WALLACEI need men I can trust. Men with strong character.

NICKMen with knowledge. Of facts. That are fun.

MR. WALLACEHaving intelligent and clever men is important too but I am more interested in men with high moral fiber.

JESSFiber makes me poop.

The moaning from Winston’s bedroom steals everyone’s attention.

MRS. WALLACE (O.S.)Yes! Right there!

WINSTON (O.S.)Take it!

MR. WALLACEGreat, just what she needs, more scarves.

21.

JESSHe’s really giving her scarves.

Schmidt passes out again.

MR. WALLACEIs your friend dead?

NICKNo. Just tired. We work till we pass out around here. My work ethic rubbed off on these jokers.

MR. WALLACE Work ethic is important.

Winston and Mrs. Wallace return to their seats. Her hair is a mess. Winston is all smiles.

MR. WALLACENice scarves?

MRS. WALLACEThe best.

NICKThis dinner is going very well, wouldn’t you say, Mr. Wallace?

MR. WALLACENick, you’re a nice young man but to be honest, I don’t get the feeling you’re a man of high character.

Nick turns as pale as Schmidt.

NICKI understand.

JESSNo!

NICKJess, calm down.

JESSI will not calm down! Nick is the best guy in the world.

SCHMIDT & WINSTON We’re right here.

22.

JESSNick is a nice guy. The nicest. He always does the right thing.

MR. WALLACEIs that so?

JESSCan I tell you a story, Mr. Wallace?

MR. WALLACEOf course.

JESSNick saved my life.

MR. WALLACEHe did?

JESSI was being attacked by two men and he saved me. He didn’t have to, but he saved my life.

MR. WALLACEIs this true, Nick?

NICKIt actually is.

MR. WALLACEA man of action. Okay. You start Monday.

Mr. Wallace gets up. Mrs. Wallace joins him.

MR. WALLACEThank you for dinner.

MRS. WALLACEThanks for the scarf.

WINSTONNo problem.

MR. WALLACE(under his breath)

What scarf?

The old man and woman leave the apartment.

Nick jumps up in excitement.

23.

NICKWe did it!

Nick does a cartwheel.

NICKI’m going to be a lawyer!

Jess joins him and does a cartwheel.

NICKYou guys aren’t excited for me? Jess is. Come on. Cartwheel of happiness!

WINSTONI’m not going to do a cartwheel because you got a job.

NICKCome on.

Winston cracks.

WINSTONFine!

Winston does a cartwheel and gives Nick a big hug.

WINSTONCongrats, bro.

NICKThanks. Schmidt. Cartwheel of happiness. Let’s go.

Schmidt walks over, looking sick as ever. He starts his cartwheel but ends up falling on his face instead.

NICKWhat a joker.

Jess gets up on the dining room table.

JESSWatch this!

Jess does a cartwheel on the table but falls off the side. She lands on her head, resulting in a loud CRACK.

24.

INT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

Nick and Winston stand in the back of the funeral home wearing their nicest funeral suits. Schmidt shuffles over. He leans on Nick.

NICKYou ready to go up?

The three guys walk down the aisle. Jess’s open coffin waits for them at the other end of the room. They pass Jess’s friends and family, including Cece, Caroline, Paul Genzlinger, Sadie, and Remy the landlord.

The room clears out as they approach the coffin. Jess has a smile on her face.

NICKShe died how she lived.

WINSTONRetarded.

NICKI can’t believe we were even thinking of, you know, with her.

WINSTONShe was hot. It wasn’t our fault.

NICKYeah.

Schmidt is too busy slowly dying to get in on the conversation.

WINSTONShe’s still kind of hot.

NICKYeah.

Winston and Nick look around and see the room is cleared out. They share a look. Nick shakes it off.

NICKNah.

WINSTONThat would be crazy.

Nick and Winston slowly move their hands towards Jess. Before they can get too grabby, Schmidt falls to the ground.

25.

NICKSchmidt?

WINSTONSchmidt?

INT. FUNERAL HOME - THE NEXT DAY

Nick and Winston stand next to Schmidt’s coffin.

NICKThis was easily preventable.

END OF SHOW

26.