Remembering Your Child

ideas for babylost parents

For you, sweet mama & papa

A babylost parent is a parent whose baby has died before or shortly after birth due to such reasons miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, prematurity, chromosomal problems, health issues, or life incompatibilities.

If you have had a baby die for any reason, this book is for you, given with my love and empathy. I hope that it will be of some small comfort in the face of your unthinkable loss.

~ Beth www.bethmorey.com

On Your Own

Grieve, however that looks for you, for however long you need. Grief, although painful, difficult, and scary, is a form of love. Don't let others pressure you to not

grieve or to grieve in a certain way or to “finish” grieving quickly. There is no time limit. Honor your deceased child by honoring your very healthy need to grieve.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ~Kahlil Gibran

Take care of yourself. As best as you are able, make good physical, mental, and emotional health a priority.

Buy a special candle. Pick a color or scent that particularly reminds you of your child, or that you think he would have liked. Light your candle on special dates or holidays, or whenever you

want to feel close to him.

Let the tears fall.

“I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Write a letter to your child. Tell her the things you never got to when she was alive, the hopes you had for her, and how you feel. Tell her that you love her. Tell her about the big and small things

in your life.

“Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the

whole art and joy of words.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Keep a special journal or box just for letters written to your baby.

Make your lost child a special blanket, quilt, outfit, toy, piece of art, or whatever else you feel called to do. Even though she

will never use what you make, both the making of the item and the item itself will be a comfort to you and a way to

connect with her memory.

Find a comfortable, serene place, indoors or out. Sit quietly. Let the memories come. Imagine what it might be like where your child's soul is now. Miss him. Talk to him. Do whatever healing thing that you need to

do.

“Some people say it is a shame. Others even imply that it would have been better if the baby had never been created.

But the short time I had with my child is precious to me. It is painful to me, but I still wouldn't wish it away. I prayed that God would bless us with a baby. Each child is a gift,

and I am proud that we cooperated with God in the creation of a new soul for all eternity. Although not with me, my

baby lives.” ~ Christine O'Keeffe Lafser

Have a special piece of jewelry made that, when you wear it, reminds you of him. Many jewelry makers on Etsy (like this one)

sell customizable necklaces and bracelets that allow you to include whatever words or names you like.

Each year, on a date significant to your baby's life, buy a new piece of jewelry in her memory. Wear it as long as it feel nourishing

and comforting. Don't be afraid to not wear it. Not wearing memorial jewelry does not dishonor your baby in any way.

“One cannot get through life without pain . . . What we can do is choose how to use the pain life presents to us.”

~ Bernie S. Siegel

Compile a list of songs that remind you of your child. Listen to the songs and let them help you celebrate her life or mourn

her death, or both.

Tell your baby's story. Use whatever medium works for you. Self-publish a book, start a blog, submit an article, create a video, make a slide show, write a song, paint it out. Share your creation with the world, with just a few trusted friends, or treasure it on your

own.

"There are three needs of the griever: To find the words for the loss, to say the words aloud and to know that the words

have been heard." ~ Victoria Alexander

Plant a special tree or flower or bush in memory of your child. If you do not own your own property to plant on, go with a potted

plant or donate a tree to a place that holds meaning for you.

"We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if

it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else.” ~ Sigmund Freud

Get a tattoo in honor of your child. However, please do approach this gently, as such a decision is not easily undone.

Try waiting to get the tattoo until the anniversary of your child's birth/death – this will provide an additional way to

honor your child on this special day and also ensure that the tattoo is a permanent decision that you are fully comfortable

with.

With Others

With loved ones, release balloons or butterflies in memory of your baby. Write a special message to her on the balloons before you let

them fly.

On his birthday (or any special day that particularly reminds you of him), throw your baby a Celebration of Life party. Invite trusted

friends and family, and perhaps enlist their help in making it a potluck. Make a birthday cake, share photos and memory items,

and, most importantly of all, remember.

Don't be afraid to offend others by speaking your child's name. This will nourish you, and it will show others that his name is not a hurtful thing to hear or say, perhaps encouraging them to speak

his name, too.

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of confusion or despair, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing . . . not healing . . . not curing . . . that is a friend indeed."

~ Henri Nouwen

Sit with your child's other parent. Ask him to share his memories of your child – of the pregnancy, her birth, her short life, her death. Speak

your own memories in return.

"Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” ~ Leo Tolstoy

Visit with a trusted friend who knew your baby in any capacity. Ask your friend to share memories of your baby.

On your baby's birthday, ask your friends and family to write you a note of ways that your child impacted their lives. Read the notes, savoring the knowledge that your baby's too-short life had weight.

Save the notes in a special box.

On your baby's birthday, ask friends and family to do a random act of kindness of their (or your) choosing in your baby's name. Ask

them to share these acts with you.

Depending on your traditions, include your child's memory in the holiday season by doing such things as: buying and hanging a

stocking for him; lighting a special candle in his memory; displaying his photo in a new or special way.

If you have a Christmas tree, each year buy your child a new ornament to hang on the tree.

Include your baby in family photographs by wearing or carrying an item to represent her, such as: a special necklace; a stuffed

animal; a certain flower.

"The reality is that we don't forget, move on, and have closure, but rather we honor, we remember, and incorporate our deceased children and siblings into our lives in a new way. In fact, keeping memories of your loved one alive in your mind and heart is an important part of your healing

journey." ~ Harriet Schiff

Connect with other babylost parents, either online or in person. Join a babyloss support group. Check with your local hospital or Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope for face-to-face groups. There are

also many online support groups available on Facebook or through independent sites. Check out these online resources for more ways

to connect.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.“

~ Earl Grollman

For Others

Donate to a charity or foundation that you connect with in your child's name.

"Grief is a process, not a state" ~ Anne Grant

Start a charity or foundation in your child's name (don't worry if this sounds like too much – it's definitely not for everyone!).

Participate in a walk (or run) for charity, such as March For Babies. Form a team of trusted friends and family

to walk with you in your child's name. Make and wear t-shirts that display his name. Tell you story to other walkers as

you feel led.

From Others

Read other babylost parents' stories. Know that you are not alone, and take whatever comfort you can from these stories as they

encourage you that you will survive this terrible storm.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” ~ Jesus

Request free comfort and bereavement items from Sufficient Grace Ministries and Molly Bears.

Purchase a brass plate (for an aborted child) or a brick paver (for a miscarried or stillborn child) in honor of your baby at the

National Memorial For the Unborn. You do not have to live close to the memorial to participate.

Request a free Certificate of Life for your baby from Justice For All.

Have your child's name written on the sands of Australia at the Seashore of Remembrance.

"Grieving is a journey that teaches us how to love in a new way now that our loved one is no longer with us.

Consciously remembering those who have died is the key that opens the heart, that allows us to love them in new ways."

~ Tom Attig

Thank you so much for reading. If you know of someone who would benefit from

receiving this eBook, please do not hesitate to pass it on. This is a free gift to buoy those who need it in

their storm.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than

ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love." ~ Washington

Irving

Beth is a writer and self-taught mixed media artist. On November 20, 2011, her first child and only daughter, Eve,

was stillborn at 31 weeks of pregnancy. As with about 50% of stillbirth cases, the

cause for Eve's death was never determined. Beth relies upon her faith, the written word, and her artwork and

photography to help process her loss and to explore what it means to live after your child is died. Beth is passionate

about the babyloss, infertility, and grief communities, as well as about faith and art and how those contribute to healing.

About the AuthorWhen she is not blogging or pushing

paint around, Beth can be found hiking, snapping photographs, or rescuing stray animals. She lives in Montana with the

Best Husband Ever and their three naughty dogs.

Read more of Beth's story of loss, grief, faith, and hope at her website,

www.bethmorey.com.