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7/27/2019 Tampon Tantrum
1/48
Working Class Heroes
Tampon Tantrum
Written by
Joshua Vitullo
3rdDraft
All Rights Reserved
7/27/2019 Tampon Tantrum
2/48
Copyright, September 2014
Scene 1
Jenkins Living Room Int. Evening
Molly is babysitting Matthew and Lyras kids, Brady and
Sophie, as they go out on a date. The three of them are
hanging out in the living room of the house. Molly is
sitting on the couch, reading a rock magazine while Brady
and Sophie look through a bin that holds a plethora of items
from the Jenkins family history such as video tapes, photo
albums, etc.
MOLLYAre you two allowed to be looking through that stuff?
BRADY
Well, nobody ever said that we couldnt check it out.
SOPHIE
Plus, mom and dad already lived through this stuff. They
have their memories, so it wouldnt be fair if they kept it
to their selves.
MOLLY
Well, I never dug through my parents stuff. Not because I
respected their privacy. I just didnt care enough to be
curious.
Sophie finds a picture of Matthew and Lyra at their wedding.
She smiles, and then puts it back in the box.
BRADY
Well, I just want to know how we ended up poor like this.
SOPHIE
Brady, were not poor. Dads just unemployed.
BRADY
Well, mom is the only parent with a job. Case in point, a
household where the woman is the breadwinner is bound to
break in two.
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Sophie raises an eyebrow.
BRADY
Lets be honest, sister. We couldve used a strong male
figure to head the family instead of Matthew.
SOPHIE
Dads alright. You just dont give him enough credit.
BRADY
I give him credit for nearly every bad thing that happens to
our family. Is that enough?
Brady pulls out a VHS tape and looks at it. The label reads,
Bradys Birth. Sophie glances at it with an odd
expression.
SOPHIE
Bradys birth? They filmed that?
BRADY
I think I heard something about how they were going to
document my life closely, but this went wrong, so they gave
up.
MOLLYFilmed your birth? Thats awkward They have no right to
film you.
SOPHIE
Or do they? Im not really sure
BRADY
I just might trash it But first, I want to see it for
myself
SOPHIEReally?
BRADY
You guys dont have to watch.
SOPHIE
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Well, Ive never actually seen it happen myself Are you
really going to watch it?
BRADY
Yes Im going to. My curiosity will get the better of me
eventually, anyway. So I might as well get it out of theway.
Brady puts the tape into the VHS player. He pulls the box
out of the way and walks back to the couch and sits on one
side of Molly. Sophie sits on the other.
SOPHIE
Seriously, though. About dad, hes not that bad. Hes very
receptive. Hes not like mom, who works eight hours a day.
MOLLY
Will you guys stop arguing? Cant you just agree with one
another?
SOPHIE
I miss the last babysitter. Shed just leave us alone and go
to the neighbors house for the entire night.
BRADY
No, dad IS terrible! He doesnt take anything seriously!
SOPHIEYes he does! He takes everything seriously!
Scene 2
Jenkins Car Int. Evening
Matthew is driving home with Lyra in the passenger seat
after a date.
MATTHEW
Thats completely ridiculous!
LYRA
No, its not! They were asking me for nude pictures! They
werent threatening me but they were hitting on me!
MATTHEW
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Wait. They were hitting you?
LYRA
No. Hitting ON me.
MATTHEWOh, well thats all right.
LYRA
No, its not! What if those thugs find me in a non-public
place?!
MATTHEW
Lyra, rest your concern. Youll be just fine.
LYRA
Oddly enough, in my senior year, a friend pranked me by
stealing one of my nude pictures and slipped it into the
yearbook of my junior year.
Matthew laughs lightly.
MATTHEW
Wait! What?
LYRA
It was the first print. I was so embarrassed, but the schoolmanaged to recall all of the yearbooks. My friend got in
serious trouble, but I have to admit, it was impressive that
she managed to do that in the first place.
MATTHEW
Dammit
LYRA
What?
MATTHEWNothing
LYRA
So, could you be a dear, and help me out with those thugs?
Matthew, Im really worried.
MATTHEW
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Yeah, sure. Ill protect you if I see them hitting you
again.
The car pulls into the driveway.
LYRAHitting ON me.
MATTHEW
Yeah, yeah. I heard you.
LYRA
Im going to watch television. I really need a good comedy.
Im stressed out.
MATTHEW
Well, whenever I need to laugh, I just listen to a Shaquille
ONeil album.
The two of them get out of the car and walk into the house,
ignoring the neighbors barking dog.
LYRA
Anyway, I have a copy of the original yearbook. Ill show
you the picture.
Matthew and Lyra go through the front door and step into the
living room to see how the kids are doing.
LYRA
Hey kids, were home! I Umm
The kids are watching low quality footage of Lyra giving
birth to Brady with a wide-angle lens. Brady and Sophie are
staring at the TV silently, and Molly looks at the parents,
unsure.
LYRA
Oh
MATTHEW
Well then
BRADY
You filmed my birth
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Matthew goes over to the TV and turns it off.
MATTHEW
I dont think that you kids should be watching this.
BRADYWhy? Because you want us kids to remain ignorant for as long
as possible?
MATTHEW
Never mind. Thats a good point.
LYRA
Why are you watching this, though?
MATTHEW
Why did we film this?
Brady scratches his head awkwardly.
MOLLY
Im sorry maam. They were just curious. I shouldnt have
allowed it.
MATTHEW
Well, its all right, Molly. Im not angry. Ive been angryall day, and Id love a break.
LYRA
Wow Ive never seen a birth from THAT angle.
BRADY
I didnt know that babies came out headfirst.
MATTHEW
I didnt know either. It looks like shes growing a penis.
SOPHIE
Eww
Brady looks back at the blank TV.
BRADY
What was it like? Having me?
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LYRA
The delivery? Painful, as all are.
BRADY
I meant before the moment. The less disgusting part of thestory.
LYRA
Oh, thank God.
Matthew sits on the couch.
MATTHEW
Oh, you want to hear about that Well Its not much of a
story, but Ill drag it on for as long as I can. Sit down,
everybody, cause Im speaking.
Everyone is sitting on the couch except Lyra, who is looking
through the box.
MOLLY
Oh, wait. I didnt do anything about it, but there were a
few thugs looking through your trash, and they took somestuff.
LYRA
Oh, dont worry. Its fine. Hey, has anybody seen my high
school yearbook?
MATTHEW
Uhh I thought you didnt want it. I threw it away this
morning.
Lyra stops and looks up at him in anger.
LYRA
WHAT?! Those thugs have my naked photos!
Lyra rushes outside frantically and rummages through the
trash pile in the front.
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MATTHEW
Well, well just have to start the story without her, then.
Anyway, Bradys story obviously begins with conception. It
was eleven oclock at night about a decade ago. You were
there when it happened, Sophie.
SOPHIE
I was?
MATTHEW
Not the BEGINNING, but after the beginning. Now I believe
you walked into our bedroom because you had a nightmare of
some sort.
Scene 3
Jenkins Master Bedroom Int. Night
Matthew and Lyra are asleep, when there is a knock on the
bedroom door, before Sophie walks in, holding a stuffed orca
whale. She closes the door quietly and walks over to Matthew
and tugs on his shirt.
SOPHIE
Daddy, I had a bad dream. Can I sleep here?
Matthew stirs.MATTHEW
Sure, but its not our faults if we roll on top of you in
our sleep and accidentally kill you.
Sophie stares at him blankly.
SOPHIE
Okay.
Sophie climbs up onto their bed and slips between the two of
them. She gets under the covers, and after a couple seconds,Lyra awakens, hair frizzy, and looking sick. She coughs a
few times, then pukes on Sophie.
SOPHIE
AGH!
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LYRA
Im sorry, honey.
She pukes again. This time, on Sophies face. Sophie begins
coughing and screaming. Matthew turns over to look at them.
His eyes widen.
MATTHEW
Lyra, you ruined our only blanket!
Lyra coughs up a little more vomit onto her hand.
LYRA
Sorry baby
Sophie stands up, shivering as vomit drips off her, mumbling
eerily in a silent panic as she walks toward their bathroom
to wash herself off.
MATTHEW
Youre hand-washing this blanket.
LYRA
Okay
MATTHEW
Wait a second. Whats wrong? Food poisoning?
Sophie cries in the bathroom.
LYRA
Im not sure. I feel so
She coughs again.
LYRA
I
MATTHEW
Here.
Matthew gets up and walks quickly around the bed, retrieves
Lyra, and walks her to the bathroom, and sets her down to
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puke in the toilet. As Lyra pukes, Matthew pats and rubs her
back.
MATTHEW
There you go. Its going to be okay.
LYRA
I know that.
MATTHEW
Sorry, I wasnt sure what you wanted me to say. That Ill
stop cooking dinner?
Lyra pukes again, face halfway in the toilet.
MATTHEW
There there How are you doing, Sophie?
Matthew looks over at Sophie, who is using the showerhead to
wash herself off, crying as she does so.
SOPHIE
I swallowed some! Am I going to die?
MATTHEW
No. Calm down. Here, were going to the hospital. Do you
want to come with us, or clean up and go back to bed?
SOPHIE
Im coming with.
Sophie runs out of the shower, which is still on, and runs
to her room to put new clothes on.
MATTHEW
Wait here, sweetheart. Im gonna change.
Matthew goes to change.
Scene 4
Jenkins Car Int. Night
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Matthew is driving the car, and Lyra is in the passenger
seat, while Sophie sits in the back, leaning forward as they
enter the hospital parking lot.
MATTHEW
Sophie, put your seatbelt back on.
SOPHIE
But were already here.
LYRA
Just find a parking space, honey.
MATTHEW
Right.
Matthew looks around, trying to find a space.
MATTHEW
I cant find one anywhere.
Lyra looks up and points.
LYRA
Theres one over there.
MATTHEWOh.
SOPHIE
Wow, dad. Youre pretty useless.
MATTHEW
Youre not allowed to say that until you move out of the
house!
SOPHIE
But by then, Ill need you more than ever.
MATTHEW
Exactly.
Matthew parks the car in the aforementioned space.
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Scene 5
Hospital Int. Midnight
Lyra is sitting on a raised mattress in a doctors office.
Matthew is sitting on a chair next to her, holding her hand.Doctor Oswald walks in, marking on a clipboard.
DOCTOR OSWALD
Well, I have good news. Or depending on your relationship
with one another, it might also be bad news. Now, are you
married?
Doctor Oswald grimaces.
MATTHEW
Yes.
DOCTOR OSWALD
Oh, good. Well, Im pleased to tell you that your wife is
pregnant.
Lyras mouth gapes open wide.
LYRA
Oh! That makes sense!
MATTHEW
Were going to have another baby!
LYRA
Are you really excited? Or are you faking it?
MATTHEW
Im not sure. Maybe Im just relieved that youre not sick.
Well, anyway Were going to be parents!
LYRAHoney, were already parents. We have Sophie already.
MATTHEW
Oh, right! Where is she, anyway?
DOCTOR OSWALD
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I told her to wait in the lobby. We dont usually allow kids
into the patient rooms.
LYRA
Oh, well, Id be okay with it if you let her in now.
MATTHEW
I dont understand why she cant be in here. Shes seen
worse. And by the age of five, shell have seen it all.
Lyra shrugs as Sophie walks into the room, an angry
expression on her face.
SOPHIE
So, is my mother dying, or are you going to sugarcoat this
for me?
MATTHEW
Not at all. Your mothers pregnant.
SOPHIE
Pregnan?
LYRA
Youre going to have a little baby brother or sister soon.
SOPHIEOh. A baby
LYRA
Whats wrong, dear?
SOPHIE
Is it going to replace me?
MATTHEW
Dont worry, Sophie. The babyll be on your side. Its not
here to replace you. Youre both here to replace us. Weslowly age, as school prepares you to wipe our generation
off the planet. Or, if we survive adulthood, send us to
Florida.
SOPHIE
Oh I dont want to replace you. Ill feel bad
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LYRA
Dont be And dont change the subject. We have a new family
member on the way.
Lyra smiles.
MATTHEW
This is a good thing. Do we all agree on this?
SOPHIE
Yep!
DOCTOR OSWALD
Also, you might want to run to your car as soon as possible.
I have a feeling that the tow trucks coming for it.
MATTHEW
Oh, dear.
Matthew grabs Sophie and runs to the parking lot. Lyra
stumbles after them.
LYRA
Wait!
Scene 6
Jenkins Living Room Int. Evening
Everyone is sitting around Matthew, except for Lyra, who is
searching through the box again.
BRADY
Wow.
SOPHIEIm glad I dont remember this.
MATTHEW
Yeah, but it wasnt so bad. It was a hassle, taking care of
your mother, actually, but I pulled through for nine months.
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Lyra looks up from the box and stares at Matthew.
LYRA
I took care of you! I remember one time you knocked yourselfout after hitting the back of your head on the bathroom
sink! Your head was open and I had to drive you to the
hospital!
MATTHEW
Well, I remember many midnight big Mac runs. Kids, I got
away with calling your mother big for many months, but I
paid for that privilege.
Abruptly cut to scene 7.
Scene 7
Jenkins Master Bedroom Int. Midnight
Matthew and Lyra are asleep. Sophie is between them, eyes
wide open, glancing at her mother every once in a while,
worried that shell puke on her again. Lyra wakes up
suddenly.
LYRASo hungry
Sophie hides under the covers as Matthew wakes up slowly.
MATTHEW
What?
LYRA
I need food.
MATTHEWWe have some leftover mashed potatoes downstairs if you
dont feel like disturbing my rest and forcing me to get you
food in the middle of the cold night.
LYRA
Matthew, please. Im starving.
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MATTHEW
Sure. Ill get up in the middle of the cold night and get
you some mashed potatoes. I love losing hours upon hours of
sleep.
Matthew gets up, slouching. He wipes his face with his
hands.
LYRA
Umm Could you get me a big Mac?
Matthew stops, and turns to stare at her.
MATTHEW
A big Mac? Now I have to drive this late at night!
LYRA
Well, McDonalds is open twenty-four hours a day.
MATTHEW
Fine. How much time do I get?
LYRA
Twenty minutes?
Matthew sighs.
MATTHEW
I wish I were pregnant. I wouldnt have to go through crap
like this.
Matthew leaves the room, wearing a robe, mumbling to
himself. Lyra and Sophie watch him leave.
LYRA
Wow, it worked.
SOPHIEI didnt think hed get out of bed for an errand like that.
LYRA
Id expect him to call McDonalds and tell them to deliver to
the bedroom window. Ooh!
Lyra holds her stomach.
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SOPHIE
Mom? Whats wrong?
LYRA
I think I felt a kick.
SOPHIE
I didnt kick you, momma.
LYRA
Yeah, I know you didnt. It was the baby.
SOPHIE
The baby? Maybe it IS trying to replace you and dad!
Sophie talks to Lyras stomach.
SOPHIE
Dont kill momma, or Im going to make sure the doctor never
circumcises you!
Lyra giggles at her threat.
LYRA
Sweetie, the babys not trying to hurt mommy. Ill be allright.
SOPHIE
If he even hurts you by accident, Ill still punish him.
LYRA
Sounds fair.
Lyra giggles again, then her stomach growls.
SOPHIEListen! The baby just growled! It heard us talking! It knows
what were planning! Abort the mission!
LYRA
Dont say abort, dear.
SOPHIE
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Oh, right. Sorry, momma.
Scene 8
McDonalds Drive-Thru Ext. Midnight
Matthew drives up to the ordering voice box.
MATTHEW
I need a big Mac immediately. My wife is pregnant, and shes
having serious cravings. Shes starving right now, so please
hurry.
A teenage voice sounds.
EMPLOYEE
Oh, I see. You really think that were going to just work
twice as fast just because your wife is pregnant?
MATTHEW
Well, I wasnt expecting you to be able to relate, but I
figured youd understand where I was coming from, if
anything.
EMPLOYEE
Well, Ill have you know that we work as fast as we can
twenty-four hours a day, and we always do a great job.
MATTHEW
Then could you quit bragging and hand my order to somebody?
EMPLOYEE
Ill have you know I did it as we were going back and forth.
MATTHEW
Efficient, arent you?
EMPLOYEE
Quite. But I dont have to give you the luxury of such fineservice. Move to the next window.
Matthew drives up to the next window to pay for his food and
get the burger, but he sees an employee who goes on, with
the same voice as the one who took his order.
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EMPLOYEE
Continuing on So, your wife is starving, and she needs a
big Mac? Please. Dont bother. I hear that excuse to get
quick service all the time. Fat, lazy sloths that try to
control the employees in any way they can. It sickens me!
Almost literally!
MATTHEW
Wait a second. Arent you the same person from the?
Matthew sticks his head out of his window and looks back at
the order box to try and listen for a voice. Matthew sticks
his head back in.
EMPLOYEE
Yes, but I refuse to let you take advantage of our great
service.
MATTHEW
Are you working two stations at once? I mean, what the
hell?
EMPLOYEE
Well, I switched places with the other employee to finish
scolding you!
MATTHEW
Well, could you quit wasting my time with your attempts tomake a fast food order ridiculously personal, and give me my
damn burger?
The employee takes his money, hands him his change and a big
Mac in a bag.
EMPLOYEE
Hold on! So, its YOUR burger!
MATTHEW
No it isnt!
EMPLOYEE
Yes! You said give me MY damn burger! I caught you in the
act! I always thought Id be a great detective or
interrogator someday! I think you owe me an apology!
MATTHEW
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Fine! IM sorry that mommy and daddy never gave you enough
attention.
Matthew drives off. A single tear falls down the employees
cheek.
EMPLOYEE
Dont go (16:50)
Scene 9
Matthew parks in the driveway and trudges over to the front
door, holding the big Mac, fumbling for his house key. He
sees that the key is in the keyhole on the door.
MATTHEW
Shoot Please be okay
Matthew walks into the house.
MATTHEW
Lyra! Sophie! Are you alive?
Lyra answers from the bedroom upstairs, yelling.
LYRAOf course were alive! Why wouldnt we be?
Matthew sighs in relief.
MATTHEW
Uhh No reason!
LYRA
Did you leave your keys in the door again?
MATTHEWNo!
Matthew goes and retrieves his keys from the front door. He
loudly shakes them.
MATTHEW
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See?
LYRA
Yeah. Now, give me my damn burger! Im starving like an
animal up here!
Matthew sighs and begins heading towards the stairs when he
sees a man in the living room staring at him, holding their
TV. Matthew stares at him in annoyance, then quietly scolds
him.
MATTHEW
Ill give you ten seconds to get out of my house.
The burglar nods and speed walks towards the front door,
still holding the TV. Matthew stops him before he reaches
it.
MATTHEW
Put the TV down!
The burglar sighs, muffled, and exits the house.
LYRA
Get upstairs!
MATTHEW
Im coming
Matthew walks up the stairs, breathing irregularly. He
enters the bedroom. Sophie can be heard, washing herself off
again as Lyra wipes her mouth with a cloth.
LYRA
Puked again
MATTHEWPoor Sophie
LYRA
Just give me my sandwich already.
Matthew rolls his eyes and tosses the big Mac to her. Lyra
catches it in the bag.
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LYRA
Where are the fries?
MATTHEW
The fries? What fries? You wanted a big Mac! You didnt saywith fries!
LYRA
Well, of course I want fries! What do I look like? A garbage
disposal?
MATTHEW
Im sleeping downstairs.
LYRA
Dont sleep on the couch. I puked on it a few hours ago.
MATTHEW
The floorll work.
LYRA
Okay, but stay away from the carpet. I think I puked on
there as well.
MATTHEW
Ill sleep on the kitchen table.
LYRA
Wipe it down first.
MATTHEW
Got it.
Matthew leaves the room and walks downstairs. He sees the
burglar trying to open the front window. Matthew locks it
and walks into the kitchen. The following voice-overs playas the burglar looks down in sadness, and walks out of
sight.
BRADY (V.O.)
You couldve just told us that you just occasionally had to
go for midnight big Mac runs. You didnt have to tell the
whole story. It wasted quite a bit of screen time.
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MATTHEW (V.O.)
The point wasnt that I got her the big Mac. The point was
that I saved Sophie and your mother from a man who broke
into our house.
Cut to Lyra talking to them as they sit on the couch.
LYRA
Well, he was stealing a TV. He wasnt a threat to anybody,
really. Ill bet he didnt have a weapon on him.
MATTHEW
He was holding a TV, Lyra. Maybe he had to put it in his
truck, then come back with a bowie knife and slaughter you
both!
Lyra face palms. Sophie speaks sarcastically.
SOPHIE
Thanks for saving our lives, dad.
MATTHEW
Just doing my job.
Matthew gives her a lame thumbs up.
Scene 10
Mega Mart Int. Noon
Matthew and Lyra are walking down an aisle. Sophie is
pushing the cart. Lyras stomach is significantly bigger.
LYRAIm starting to wonder Why do kids come around while were
still young? Why cant we spend our wild young years having
fun, and have children starting at forty, or the late
thirties at least?
MATTHEW
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So that way, we can blame the wrinkles on them.
Lyra chuckles. She stops and looks at a crib on the display
to their left.
LYRAThat one looks nice but a bit expensive
MATTHEW
Be wary of the price range that cripples our lifestyle.
LYRA
Well, if you had a job, itd be easier. No offense.
MATTHEW
None taken. Im sure Ill be employed really soon. In fact,
you can count on it.
LYRA
I trust you.
MATTHEW
Calvin needs to get a job too. Hes not even trying as hard
as me.
Calvin walks out in front of them, dressed in a store
employee uniform. Matthew and Lyra stop walking.
LYRA
Hey Calvin! You got a job!
CALVIN
Yeah!
Lyra smiles at Matthew. Matthew opens his mouth to say
something, but Sophie hits them from behind with the
shopping cart.
MATTHEW
Agh!
Sophie pokes her head up from behind the cart.
SOPHIE
Sorry, I didnt know we stopped
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MATTHEW
Okay, well, be more careful.
SOPHIE
Okay
Matthew looks back at Calvin.
MATTHEW
Hey, hows it going?
CALVIN
Well. Ive only held this job for a few days, but I feel
good about this one. Do you guys need any assistance?
LYRA
Yes, if youre not busy. Were looking to buy a new crib for
the baby.
MATTHEW
We should get a new blanket for us too. Im tired of you
spewing your lungs onto it every week.
LYRA
Im sorry.
CALVIN
Umm Dont leave me standing here awkwardly
MATTHEW
Sorry, man. Yeah, do you have any cribs in our price range?
Lyra pets Sophie as Calvin points to a nearby display.
CALVINIve seen a lot of couples looking at that one over there.
Its cheaper than expired ham. Not really, but you get my
point.
LYRA
Oh. Yes, this is nice. What do you think, Sophie?
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SOPHIE
Youve been talking to me a lot lately. Is it because youre
trying to include me more, since theres a chance I might
feel less important to you guys?
LYRAWow Those words coming out of a three year-olds mouth
MATTHEW
Thats not it at all, Sophie. Wed do the same thing if we
were getting a dog.
SOPHIE
Even a DOG could replace me?! Am I THAT forgettable?
Matthew face palms.
MATTHEW
Thats not what I meant. Were not getting a dog.
LYRA
Sophie, youre over thinking this.
SOPHIE
Oh, okay.
CALVINSo will you take this one?
MATTHEW
Well take it!
Just as Matthew says it, the Mega Mart supervisor walks out
and storms over to Calvin.
MR. SANDERS
ONeil! Why did you put this on the discount table?
CALVIN
I didnt, sir.
MR. SANDERS
Well, Grant told me that you did! This crib is not to be
sold at a discount! Youre fired!
Calvin walks past Matthew, and whispers to him.
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CALVIN
I knew he was trying to get rid of me.
MR. SANDERS
Hey, are you employed?
MATTHEW
Well, no
MR. SANDERS
Then would you like to replace him?
Lyras face lights up.
MATTHEW
Of course, sir! Thank you very much!
Calvin yells from the distance.
CALVIN
Hey, Matthew! Ill see you at the Freeley barbecue on
Friday!
MATTHEW
Alright!
MR. SANDERS
Wait Youre friends with that guy?
MATTHEW
Umm no.
MR. SANDERS
Nice try. Forget the job offer. Now, are you going to buy
anything? If not, then get out of my store.
Matthew pauses, and looks around quietly. He eventuallypoints at a dog kennel.
MATTHEW
Ill take that.
Scene 11
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Jenkins Living Room Int. Evening
The family is sitting on the couch and on the carpet.
BRADYA dog kennel?
MATTHEW
Yep. You slept in it for about three years.
LYRA
It was adorable. Youd even lock yourself in at night.
Sophie giggles, and Molly smiles.
MATTHEW
We just had to make sure that nobody visited us at night, so
that way nobody called the police.
Everyone laughs.
MATTHEW
Well, its getting late. I think were going to go head off
to bed.
SOPHIEBut what about his birth? What happened?!
BRADY
Yeah, dad! You didnt finish the story yet! How dare you
attempt to leave your audience hanging like that!
MATTHEW
Audience?
BRADY
Sophie and I.
MATTHEW
Oh. I thought you meant like a TV show.
Everyone laughs.
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MATTHEW
Anyway, yeah. I do remember the finale of mommys third
pregnancy
SOPHIE
Wait Third? But there arent three kids in this family!
MATTHEW
Well, the first one was aborted.
The kids stare in terrified shock. Matthew goes on with the
story as if nothing happened.
MATTHEW
Moving on the last chapter starts off with a major argument
your mother and I were in
Cut to flashback.
Scene 12
Jenkins House Int. Evening
Matthew and Lyra are yelling at each other as Sophie hides
in her room, holding her stuffed orca. All the lights in the
house are off due to a power outage.
MATTHEWWho the hell do you think you are?! Some kind of genius!
LYRA
My brain would more intact than yours if I were on ecstasy!
MATTHEW
Oh, shove it, you bitch!
MATTHEW (V.O.)
We were fighting, because I was angry at her for beating me
at Uno. She started talking down to me, and to this day, itwas probably the most intense conflict our marriage has ever
faced.
LYRA (V.O.)
Oh yeah! I remember! Im STILL mad about that!
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BRADY (V.O.)
You argued intensely about a card game, but thought it would
be a good decision to raise two kids. Who are you people?
MATTHEW (V.O.)
It was such an emotional fight for the both of us, and it
might have been the end of our relationship if you hadnt
broken us up, Brady.
BRADY (V.O.)
I did?
MATTHEW (V.O.)
Yes, of course.
Lyra picks up a lamp to throw at Matthew, but suddenly
lurches, stops, and drops the lamp on the floor, causing it
to shatter. Briefly cuts to Sophie looking up in her room,
scared of what the noise was.
SOPHIE
Mom?
Cut back to the bedroom where Lyra holds her stomach,
beginning to sweat beads. Matthew raises his eyebrow.
MATTHEW
A kick?
Lyra shakes her head horizontally. She coughs out words.
LYRA
No I water
MATTHEW
Water? You need water? Here, Ill go get you a glass.
Matthew gets ready to run, but Lyra stops him, holding her
other hand out towards him.
LYRA
No! I I think my water broke
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MATTHEW
Oh Oh dear Of all the times that this couldve happened,
it had to have been during a power-out! And I left my cell
phone at Calvins! And hes out of town!
LYRAYou have to drive me
MATTHEW
Does the car have gas? Well I guess Ive gotta try
Matthew picks her up and rushes her out the front door and
to the car in the driveway. Sophie sticks her head out the
house door.
SOPHIE
Momma?!
LYRA
Mommys okay, darling! Just lock the door and hide in the
dog kennel until we get back!
Matthew puts Lyra in the shotgun seat, and slides over the
hood, and gets in the drivers seat.
LYRAWhat was that?
MATTHEW
That was me. I slid over the hood. I see cops do it all the
time when they enter restaurants.
They drive off, but Sophie runs after them.
SOPHIE
Hey! Wait!
Sophie stares in disappointment as they exit the street. She
looks to her left and sees a taxi. She waves it down.
SOPHIE
Taxi! Taxi! Over here!
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Cut to Matthew and Lyra in the car driving. Lyra is
breathing heavily. Matthew is listening to Be My Baby on
the radio.
MATTHEW
How are you holding up, Lyra?
LYRA
Terrible! You need to drive faster!
MATTHEW
But well get pulled over!
LYRA
I dont care! Drive! Im not giving birth to my baby on the
side of a road!
MATTHEW
Fine! Ill drive!
Matthew pushes the gas pedal and speeds faster. The car zips
down the road. A police car is parked behind a fast food
drive-thru. The officer inside puts his coffee down.
OFFICER DILBERT
Huh? Was that Jenkins? I hope not.
Officer Dilbert drives out of hiding and chases after
Matthew, lights blaring. Meanwhile, right behind where he
had parked, a woman is being mugged. Matthew drives on. Lyra
eventually hears the police siren.
MATTHEW
Be my, be my baby! My one and only-
LYRA
Turn that music down! I think I hear a siren!
MATTHEW
This song only comes on once a year
Matthew turns the radio off and hears the siren as well.
MATTHEW
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Oh, shoot! The cops! And I cant call anyone! What do I do?
What do I do?
LYRA
Keep driving! Keep driving, already! My child will be
hospital-born!
Cut to Officer Dilbert inside his police car.
OFFICER DILBERT
Hes not stopping! The nerve! Im sure you have a good
reason, Jenkins, but Im sorry.
He picks up his walkie-talkie.
OFFICER DILBERT
We have a speeding citizen going down Alore Road. Subject
refuses to pull over. Over.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
Sending unnecessary backup. Over.
Cut to Sophie sitting in the back of a taxi. She is right
behind the cop car, which is right behind her parents car.
SOPHIE
Get out of the way, you stupid officer! Im trying to follow
them! Turn! Dammit!
ROBERT DE NIRO
So, are you some rich guys daughter?
SOPHIE
Never mind that. Just keep up with the Audi in front of the
cop car!
ROBERT DE NIRO
Okay, calm down.
Sophie leans back and mumbles something under her breath.
ROBERT DE NIRO
You talkin to me?
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SOPHIE
What?
ROBERT DE NIRO
Are you talkin to me?
SOPHIE
No, just drive.
Several police cars pass the taxi and begin chasing after
the Jenkins speeding car.
ROBERT DE NIRO
Some speeding fool. Hope the sucker gets whats comin to
em.
SOPHIE
Thats my dad! Follow him!
ROBERT DE NIRO
Thats your dad? Oh, dear
He speeds after the Jenkins and the police frenzy, mumbling
under his breath.
Cut to the Jenkins car speeding down the main road. Lyra isred, breathing heavily as Matthew breathes even more
dramatically.
MATTHEW
I dont wanna get a ticket!
LYRA
Well, too bad! Drive! Im in labor!!!
MATTHEW
I cant take this! Im going to get thrown in jail! ThenIll spend ten years dropping the soap and getting raped by
cops instead! If Im lucky, my fellow criminals will
separate us! But Im not good at making friends, so its
anal for me!
LYRA
Thats it! Youre driving me crazy! Im taking the wheel!
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MATTHEW
Huh?
Lyra takes off her seatbelt and pulls on his shoulder before
screaming at him.
LYRA
MOVE!!!
Right as Matthew pulls off his seatbelt hesitantly, Lyra
yanks him, pulling him painfully onto her seat, as she hops
over him, sweating like a fountain. She grasps the wheel, an
unstable look in here eyes, and screams as she drives toward
the hospital, making sharp turns, riding over potholes and
making jumps on construction cement barriers.
MATTHEW
Thats not good for the baby!
LYRA
YOURE a baby! Quit talking in third person!
Cut to Officer Dilbert driving after them. He raises an
eyebrow.
OFFICER DILBERTWhy the hell are they driving faster? Hmm Maybe Lyra took
the wheel.
Cut to the Jenkins car, which is driving into the hospital
parking lot.
LYRA
Find a parking space!
MATTHEW
Uh, okay!
LYRA
Found one! Damn, what good are you?!
MATTHEW
Im good for filling up those awkward silences.
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Lyra drifts into an emergency parking space. She jumps out
of the car and runs toward the front door like a cripple,
Matthew following behind. As Lyra reaches the door, the
police arrive in the parking lot, getting out and running
after them. Lyra opens the door with immense force, but hits
Matthew in the leg. She runs in as Matthew clutches his legin agony.
MATTHEW
Agh! My leg!
OFFICER DILBERT
Wait. They were going to the hospital. Maybe it was an
emergency!
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
If it was an emergency, then they shouldve called us!
A yell in pain is heard. Officer Dale falls to the ground.
OFFICER DALE
Ow! I tripped over a stone!
Officer Dilbert face palms.
Matthew manages to get into the hospital despite his leg
injury he had just received from his wife. Lyra is runninginside, yelling.
LYRA
My water broke!
MATTHEW
My leg broke!
LYRA
Oh, grow up!
Several nurses take Lyra off, and a single large doctor
picks Matthew up, and carries him in the direction Lyra is
being taken. The cops then enter the hospital, holding up
weapons.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
Whered they go?!
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RECEPTIONIST
The emergency room. The womans about to give birth.
OFFICER DILBERT
Oh Well, this was a mistake.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
No it wasnt! We have to get them a ticket!
OFFICER MARCUS
Otherwise theyll never learn their lesson!
Cut to outside, where the taxi is arriving in front of the
hospital. Sophie steps out of the car, and the driver sticks
his head out the window.
ROBERT DE NIRO
Taking into account that energizing high speed chase I just
performed, your total will be forty-five dollars.
Sophie chuckles.
SOPHIE
Forty-five dollars? What makes you think I have that kind of
money? Look at these rags!
Sophie does a curtsy.
SOPHIE
Thanks for the free ride, mister!
She runs off as Robert De Niro fumes.
ROBERT DE NIRO
I dont do favors! Get back here!
Sophie runs in the hospital.
SOPHIE
Did a pregnant woman just come in here!
RECEPTIONIST
Yes. As a matter of fact, one came in just now. Would you
like to join the waiting party?
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The lady points to the twenty or so police officers, sitting
in the lobby, reading magazines. They all look up to see
Sophie.
SOPHIE
No thank you. I need to follow them. Im their daughter.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, well then.
She points to the left.
RECEPTIONIST
Down that hall! Get there before they close the door!
SOPHIE
Thanks, lady!
Sophie does a quick curtsy again and runs to the emergency
room.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
So, you let a little girl go after them, but not your state-
enforced protectors!
RECEPTIONIST
Not at all. Your party is just too big to fit in the ER.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
Bull. Shes just picking favorites.
OFFICER DILBERT
We dont need to give them a ticket. I can understand that
it was an honest emergency.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
Psh. I think I know what an emergency is, officer.
OFFICER DALE
Hey, Sergeant. I just got a call. Apparently the station is
on fire.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
Never mind that. Well go back after we deal with this
first.
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Scene 13
Emergency Room Int. Night
Sophie walks into the ER. Lyra is seated on the deliverytable. Matthew is sitting on a chair as the large doctor
wraps his leg. A nurse hands Matthew a small camera.
NURSE MCGEE
Do you want to film it?
MATTHEW
Excuse me?
NURSE MCGEE
We give cameras out in case families want to film
childbirths. Youd be surprised how popular its getting
lately.
MATTHEW
Actually, I bet I wouldnt be. Ill take one.
NURSE MCGEE
Thatll be forty-five dollars.
MATTHEWForty-five dollars! I dont have forty-five dollars!
Matthew sees Sophie.
SOPHIE
Hi.
MATTHEW
Sophie! Hey! Im not even going to ask how you got here.
Umm Do you have any money on you?
SOPHIE
Heres a fifty.
She hands him a fifty dollar bill.
MATTHEW
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Thanks, dear.
Matthew gives it to the nurse, who gives him the camera. He
limps over to Lyra to film her.
MATTHEWHows my angel doing?
LYRA
Terrible. My mind is aching from yelling at you for the past
five minutes. Are you filming this?
MATTHEW
Yup.
LYRA
Matthew. Really?
MATTHEW
Youd be surprised how popular its getting lately.
LYRA
Fine. Go ahead. But I
Lyra turns her head to see Sophie.
LYRASophie! Hey there! Im not sure how you made it here, but I
really didnt want you to see this
SOPHIE
Its okay, mama. I think I can handle it.
LYRA
I know youre strong, but Ill just feel better if you stood
in the other room. Daddys filming it, so you can watch it
when youre older.
Sophie sighs.
SOPHIE
Yes mommy
She doesnt move.
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LYRA
Are you okay, darling?
SOPHIE
Are you going to love me less, now that theres a new baby?
LYRA
No, dont worry. I can love you both. And dad can umm
MATTHEW
Be there when Im needed. Stand in the mens room, Sophie.
SOPHIE
Okay.
Sophie smiles, hugs Lyra, then runs into an adjacent room.
Matthew focuses the camera between her legs.
LYRA
Matthew, seriously. Youre making me nervous.
Scene 14
Mens Bathroom Int. Night
Sophie is sitting on the sink countertop, twiddling her
thumbs as she waits for the call. The door opens, she looksup, and a doctor sees her.
DOCTOR YOUNG
Your parents are ready for you to come back in.
SOPHIE
Okay
Sophie nervously walks out and goes into the room to see
Lyra holding a baby. Sophies face lights up.
SOPHIE
Whoa Wait. Wheres dad?
LYRA
I had him kicked out for filming me way too close. I told
him to wait in the ladies room.
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Matthew walks in, scratching his neck.
MATTHEW
Those women are even louder than you, Lyra.
They walk over to her hospital bed. Sophie crawls onto it
and stares at the baby.
SOPHIE
Is it a boy or a girl?
LYRA
Im not sure.
DOCTOR YOUNG
Boy.
MATTHEW
Cool.
SOPHIE
Whats his name?
MATTHEW
Oh.
LYRA
Umm I
SOPHIE
You didnt think of a name, did you?
Matthew and Lyra shake their heads no.
SOPHIE
I fear for this child.
LYRA
We had a rough day, Sophie. A lot of things were going on.
We didnt have time to think.
SOPHIE
You had nine months.
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LYRA
I know Here. Why dont you name him?
SOPHIE
Me?
LYRA
Of course, you.
MATTHEW
Nothing stupid though. No Tucker, Todd, or Osama.
SOPHIE
Doctor. Whats your mothers fathers uncles favorite
cousins middle name.
Doctor Young looks up for ten seconds, then responds.
DOCTOR YOUNG
Brady.
Sophie looks back at Lyra.
SOPHIE
Hows that?
LYRAPerfect.
MATTHEW
I agree.
A few officers, led by Sgt. Cunningham, walk in angrily. The
sergeant storms over to Lyra and stares at the baby in
anger.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
What a great way to start a life, you miscreant!
He places a ticket on Bradys face. Then, he looks up at
Lyra.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
And you think youre above the law just because youre
pregnant? THINK AGAIN YOU SCUM! The baby has the ticket, if
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you want to see it. Now, if youll excuse me, the stations
burning down.
OFFICER DALE
Actually, I just heard that the news wasnt true. It was
actually an orphanage that burned down.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
Oh, good! Then well catch a movie on her way back. Ill pay
for everyones tickets and popcorn!
He stares at Matthew.
SGT. CUNNINGHAM
But you have to pay the ticket first.
MATTHEW
Umm uhh Sophie?
Sophie gives him two hundred dollar bills.
MATTHEW
Thanks, sweetheart.
He gives it to the sergeant.
SGT. CUNNINGHAMThanks, Jenkins! This pays for our night!
The cops run out the door. Officer Dilbert is left standing
in the doorway.
OFFICER DILBERT
Uhh Congratulations, you two. Sorry about the
misunderstanding. Well try to be more careful.
LYRA
Much obliged, officer.
SOPHIE
You owe me two hundred.
Officer Dilbert sighs and gets out his wallet. Sophie pets
Brady, smiling, as the camera exits the hospital conclusion-
like.
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Scene 15
Jenkins House Int. Evening
The Jenkins family and Molly are sitting on the couch still.
BRADY
Sophie named me?
LYRA
Yep.
BRADY
I always thought that I was named after somebody famous or
something.
Lyra smiles at him.
LYRA
Nope!
MATTHEW
Well, Sophie. Do you think that youre old enough to watch
the birth now?
SOPHIEUh, heh heh
MOLLY
Im very sorry. I should be gone. But my boyfriend was
supposed to pick me up, and hes really late
MATTHEW
Oh, its alright. Oh, heres your pay.
He hands it to her, and Molly accepts it.
MOLLY
Thank you, sir.
She then looks at her phone in annoyance. The doorbell rings
and Matthew opens the door. A teenager stands in the
doorway.
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RON
Hey sir. Im here to pick up Molly.
MATTHEW
Oh, come in.
He lets Ron in.
MOLLY
Where were you?!
RON
Sorry, babe. I was just looking at some old photos.
MOLLY
Oh. Were they good-looking?
RON
You bet.
Ron laughs, glancing at Lyra, and back at Molly. Lyras eyes
widen. She whispers to Matthew.
LYRA
Thats him! Hes one of the thugs who took our trash! He has
my yearbook!
MATTHEW
He seems like a nice kid to me.
The couple walks out of the house.
LYRA
Matthew!
MATTHEW
What? Theres nothing that seems out of place. Hes giving
off good vibes, youd say. Except for his smell. He smellshorrible. Or maybe thats just our compost. Brady, take the
compost to the backyard.
Brady looks up.
BRADY
Okay.
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Matthew goes back to bickering with Lyra as Brady takes the
compost and walks toward the back door, glancing at Sophie
as he walks past her. He walks over to the back and dumps
the compost in a large black bin. He then sees the shed door
and goes over to close it, but he sees something. Bradyopens the door and sees a dog kennel.
BRADY
Wow They werent lyin
Brady walks inside the shed and looks inside the kennel. He
sees several pictures, blankets and old stuffed animals.
BRADY
Huh Maybe Ill sleep here tonight Just once
Brady steps inside and curls up before dosing off. Fade out.
END OF TAMPON TANTRUM