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“Hey guys, do you mind giving me and Catherine here a little privacy?”
2000 SOUTH FIRST STREETWACO, TX 76706
254.7LL.SAMS
A HISTORIC RESIDENTIAL
COMMUNITY
• NO DEPOSIT THRU APR 19
• 1/2 OFF APPLICATION FEE
• 1ST MONTH RENT 1/2 OFF
ESCAPE YOUR POTLUCK PALS IN A HISTORIC WAY
THE ROPETABLE OF CONTENTS
SURPRISE! IT’SCUNNING LINGUISTBro. Breakin’ (2: Electric NoZealoo)
LORDE MAYORBro. Hurricane KatriNoZe
SHEKEL KEEPERBro. Love Potinon # NoZe
INTERNET LADBro. Love Potion # NoZe
BORED OF GRAFTBro. TheNoZeaous MonkBro. AbstiNoZeBro. Ted KenNoZedy
THE BROTHERSBro. KuntNoZe KinteBro. No Means NoZeBro. NoZey Loves ChachiBro. Grand NoZe PartyBro. N-O-Z-E etc.
VENERABLE EXILESBro. Kurt VonNoZegutBro. NoZe, Table for OneBro. Charles K. PoNoZiBro. NoZe v. WadeBro. Fear and NoZeingBro. Fats DomiNoZeBro. Cliff ’s NoZeBro. Don’t Cry for Me ArgentiNoZeBro Bush’s Krispy TacNoZeBro. NoZe QuervoBro. Mu Mu Mu My SharoNoZeBro. SerpicNoZeBro. NoZeanderthalBro. NoZencrantzBro. Ultra MagNoZeBro. Al PaciNoZe
FACULTY HOSTAGEBro. NoZe Better
NEOPHYTESBro. Dulce & GabbaNoZeBro. NoZa Parks
Bro. Tickle Me ElmNoZe
AND A CAST OF THOUSANDS...
Noble NoZe Bros.P.O. Box 612
Elm Mott, TX 76640
or
or
www.TheNoZe.org
TABLE OF CONTENTS..............................................................................03Ugh.
Psh, whatever.POINT/COUNTER POINT.........................................................................04
CANINE CANDIDATES..............................................................................05Dude, come one.
Blaaargghh!!!!!!!HORISCOPES..........................................................................................04, 05
PARKING AND TENURE.........................................................................06Get off my back, man.
Dammit.5th YEAR SENIOR.......................................................................................07
RALLY CRY........................................................................................................08Hey, what?
...DIRTY SOCKS....................................................................................................09
TENURE MIXUp................................................................................................10?
Looking back, I’d say it was one hell of a ride. But it was hardly hellish, and certainly not a ride. I’d like to give my thanks to the one who was my fellow popper and locker (though I would never have known), to my pessimist parallel, to the drunk guy throwing up downstairs, to mom and pop and the second behind me, to those to come and those to quit, to what’s wrong, what’s right and what’s legit. I’d like to buy the word a Coke, but I’m low on pocket money and frankly that stuff will rot your teeth.
In the end, I’d say all the world’s a stage but I see no curtain and not every-one is an annoying Theater major. But you know what they say about sayings. You don’t? Well then, neither do I.
-Bro. Breakin’ (2: Electric NoZealoo)Cunning LinguistKeko Keeper of Tired Always.
Keko Muckity Muck! Mene! Mene! Teckle Upharsin! Satchel On, Brother Long NoZe, Satch! What a crazy election, one of a controver-sial direction. A result of student government’s worthless invec-tion. Moving on, watch out during Dia for risk of infection. Buy me peanuts, buy me pork, eat my shorts Lilley’s a dork. Hey diddle, diddle, tenure’s not the song of his fiddle, it’s goodbye, so long, hope soon he’ll be gone. Buy me fishes, buy me cake, real work ain’t hard to fake. Ya see? I’m doing it now, with a whistle, pop, bang wow! Listen, I’m a bit in the hole. If you wouldn’t mind, could you send me some cash? You would? Well then, a satch!?! Satchel....Satchelisiimim-mmmmmmmmmoooooooooo!!!?!
A BRIEF NOTE FROM THE CUNNING LINGUIST.
KEKO MUCKITY MUCK.
COMMUNICATE
2008 schmeer cam
paigns
Brian FonvilleIs it a bird? Is it a plane?
No, its … utter disap-pointment. Although his heroic marketing campaign may entice you, we assure you that this is no Clark Kent.
After overwhelm-ingly winning what could barely be called
a race last year (the sec-ond place vote went to
Farthead McBootypants, who swept the moron
vote), Mr. Fonville has spent
his entire year shaking students’ hands and smooching Pat Neff Hall ass for his Presidential run.
Sweet, sweet Pat Neff ass. Bryan’s notable accomplishments
this year range from meeting with Waco Mayor Virginia DuPuy (who I’m having lunch with next Thursday, no big deal), to reading books to underprivileged Wacoans, a resume quite similar to every Tri Delt member.
However, Fonville was asked to stop coming to Tri Delt meetings and wear-ing their letters because it was “really creepy, like Daisy from Rock of Love 2 creepy.”
Shutup, you’ve seen it too.
Sam ChenDon’t let the glasses and smile fool you,
at his core Sam Chen is just as vindictive as his opponent.
With Chase would’ve gotten the jock vote, and Fonville’s getting the Bankston’s Comics & Collectables vote, Sam has to look elsewhere for support.
Stealing the mantle from Mark Laymon, Mr. Chen decided to be the “God told me to run” candidate and thus far his platform has left him tailing the other two. We have news for you Mr. Chen, I knew Mark Laymon, Mark Laymon was a friend of mine (we’re having lunch next Friday, no big deal). Sam, you’re no Mark Laymon.
Some students may remember the
HOROSCOPESIn the spirit of “Spiritual Life,” Baylor’s super-hip new name for
Baptist Student Ministries, the Noble Noze Brotherhood (Satch!) decided to get into the act and provide some psycho-babble to replace the usual spiritual mumbo jumbo that those Baptists tried to force down our throats. And don’t let anyone tell you that horoscopes are of the Devil.
So all you sorority girls that regularly get asked your sign by guys like me hoping to get some…well, now you will actually have an interesting answer. You can thank Baylor’s decision to revamp religion for your astrological education.
ARIES (March 21- April 19) The stars align for you since it’s your birthday month, so try not to screw this one up. You might actually have a chance to win Dia Queen.
TAURUS (April 20- May 20) Your bullheadedness gets in the way of all the crap we are trying to feed you regarding planetary movement, so you can just ignore this article altogether.
GEMINI (May 21- June 21) Mars crosses into your moon’s seventh house this month, which creates an ideal setting for drunkenly attempting to feel up that girl from your freshman English class.
CANCER (June 22- July 22) You have it. Find a good oncologist. We wish you luck.
LEO (July 23- August 22)Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, The most fun planet is Uranus, when it comes to your….get your mind out of the gutter.
VIRGO (August 23-Sep 22): You will not be getting lucky this month. As usual. Cosmopolitan might be trying to make up a bunch of bullshit so you keep read-ing their crappy horoscopes, but here at The Rope we tell the truth.
BAYLOR PLAGIARIZES HONOR CODEIn recently discovered news, The Ethics Association of Texas
(TEAT) has been conducting an internal investigation of all Baylor University’s codes and handbooks. After finding that Baylor’s honor code is an identical replica of Tarleton State Uni-versity’s code, TEAT has expressed sincere disappointment and threatened to fail Baylor on the annual screening of the National Integrity for Principles, Laws, and Ethics (NIPLE). NIPLE has proven extremely sensitive when regarding such issues as plagia-rism.
Because of Baylor’s normally high status regarding ethics, the university has been allowed to milk TEAT for all it is worth, attempting to make a paltry joke of TEAT and all it stands for.
Chairwoman of TEAT, Victoria Seacret, said of Baylor’s actions: “We will not allow TEAT to be played with in such a rough manner. TEAT is meant to be treated with the utmost
sensitivity, as is required by our ethical standards. We will not allow Baylor’s plagiarism of TSU’s honor code to become some kind of running TEAT joke.”
In the course of a conviction, TEAT will temporarily take over Baylor’s honor enforcement on campus. Once Baylor has once again proven that they are capable of not plagiarizing and of abiding by their own honor code, they will be weaned off of TEAT.
“I’m a big fan of TEAT, and support it the way TEAT should be supported,” said John Lilley, just some guy who likes TEAT. “Any movement by TEAT is a good movement, unless that movement moves TEAT away from Baylor.”
To show the support of TEAT, Lilley has invested in the Bay-lor Reform Act (BRA) intended to restore honor and structure in Baylor’s ethics enforcement.
COUNTERPOINTWho Needs to Practice?By Chazz LePoire
Awww baby, c’mon. Does Hugh Grant need to practice making romantic comedies? Awww hellz nah, he just gets in front of the camera, makes some subtle British references, compares a few differences between him and his American love-interest, and BAK-A-TOW – another
moderately successful film for Hughie.Well, just picture me like the Hugh Grant of lovemaking. Oh
you know you can, girl. Let’s just say that I’m one experienced hound dog. Babe, I got scented candles, scented oils, and even something I like to call love chocolate. I bet you’ve never even heard of love chocolate, have you? Oh sweet thang, that is one experience, lemme tell ya. I’ve even got myself my own sex mix on a compact disc. Well, actually it’s my friend Rob’s mix. It says Rob’s Sex Mix on the cover, but I crossed out Rob – and that makes it a whole lot sexier. Oh and it has a lot of Tom Petty on it, and babe, I know how you like “Free Fallin’.”
You might be saying to yourself : “Hey Chazz, doesn’t practice make perfect?” Well, Ms. Hottie, I won’t deny that. But I can tell you that I am quite good at making love, quite good. Let’s just say that if there was an Olympics of “getting shnasty” I would win three gold medals: one in badminton, one in javelin throwing, and one in synchronized swimming, babe. Don’t know what that means? Oh you most certainly will after you add a twig to my love nest.
Damn, I’m good at boning.
POINTRemember to Practice Safe SexBy Your Mom
Now I know I gave you a similar talk over spring break, honey, but summer vacation is a completely different animal and crazy things can go down in Cancún. I remember what it was like to be young back in the ‘60s.
One day you meet a guy doing the limbo on a beach in
Ft. Lauderdale, then 7 months later, you’re taking a Lamaze class with your hairy-backed one-night-stand, hoping to God that giv-ing birth to this creature isn’t nearly as painful as they say it is.
What I’m trying to say is that you’re my very, very special boy.Of course I know that having a sexual encounter can be a very
touchy subject. But as long as you keep the touching above the waist, everything should be nice and safe – and also fun. Why don’t you stick with just smooching your summer fling? It’s so much more cute and safe.
In fact, did you know 73% scientists believe that groping your partner is just as pleasurable as bumping uglies? That’s not com-pletely true, but here, have some hard candy!
I’m trying to save you from the nuisances of Preggy Penny and her irritating friend, Syphilis Sally. The reason I’m so insistent about protecting yourself is that it is the safe and responsible way.
Take it from me: if you aren’t safe and responsible, you’ll go to bed one night dancing to Dexy’s Midnight Runners with some sleaze and the next morning you’ll wake up to the God-awful screaming of your 4-month year old child.
Did I mention how special you are to me?
cont. on page 5
failed “Intelligent Design Institute” spearheaded by Robert Dembski, sup-ported by Sloan. Mr. Chen continues to strive for an intelligent design policy at Baylor and has become one of the top cronies for Ben Stein (game show host and intelligent design proponent.) Chen? Chen? Chen? He’s right here, Mr. Stein, just massaging your feet and shaking his fist at John Lilley.
Sam also serves on the utterly useless Student Court. Students: Did he ever save you from the mercy of the court after you were caught on campus with your pants down doing undesirable things to a beer bong?
He sure as hell didn’t help us.
Chase McVickerIf you’re even “thinkin” about voting (you
can’t) for this Lex Luthor (watch your ass, Fonville) in an iPod commercial wanna-be, you should only look at his history of repeated threats to realize he’s not the man for you.
At least eight times this year, Chase has publicly urged the Baylor Student Body to “kill…kill” entire opposing teams.
Chase, have you read your Spalding leather-bound Bible?
How can God get clearer than that? If Chase won’t even listen to God, what makes you think he’ll listen to the concerns of the Student Body? You better watch it students, or Chase will be coveting things left and
right.A vote for Mr.
McVicker means every student wearing a yel-low and black striped uniform with pizza and Red Jak energy drinks served to students midway through every class.
Actually come to think of it, that doesn’t sound half bad.
EXTREME SPIRITUAL MAKEOVER
HOROSCOPES (CONT.)
LIBRA (Sep 23- August 22) Surround yourself with the color purple and people might not hate you anymore. Might.
SCORPIO (Oct 23- Nov 21) Jupiter and Venus align on the 18th and make all the men attracted to you…or it could just be your time of the month. You know how that drives guys wild.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22- Dec 21) I was in love with a Sagittarius, but then I got Virgo-so I had to Libra. Hey, it’s better than Cancer.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22- Jan 19) Mercury and Earth align with the Sun, blocking it out and effectively killing all of mankind.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18) Baylor forces faculty to pay for parking, denies researchers tenure, and John Lilley is discovered to be a hologram. What do you mean you already knew all that?
PISCES (Feb 19- March 20) It’s in the stars for all your secrets to be revealed this month. But everyone already knew that you got a boob job over Christmas, so you don’t have to worry about that one. It was obvious.
CANINE CANDIDATES CAMPAIGN IN CAMPUS’ MOST COMPELLING CONTEST
After exploring all the possibilities with vanity in Extreme Makeover and all the possibilities with charity cases in Ex-treme Makeover: Home Edition, ABC is trying to break into the religious realm with Extreme Makeover: Spiritual Edition. The one-hour show is set to premiere fall of 2008 in a slot on Sunday mornings, which was formerly used to attend church. The season’s first show will revolve around the previously very-Baptist Baylor University’s conversion into a university with “spiritual life.”
“We don’t know exactly what this means,” ABC executive Barbara Ellis said. “But Baylor doesn’t either, so we figure we’re okay.”
In the first fifteen minutes of the program, the network will give a much-needed makeover to (what’s his name?), the director of the current Baptist Student Ministries at Baylor by giving him a cut and color, one new suit and then replac-ing him by Ty Pennington, host of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
“He’s as spiritual a guy as I’ve ever seen,” Dub Oliver said. “No one gets me in tears each Sunday like that guy. Not even Jesus.”
In the next segment of the show, the Bobo Baptist Student Center will undergo a complete renovation, starting by getting rid of the baptistery in the bathrooms and ending with the destruction of the gospel rooms, the areas named after the four gospels that no one ever used.
“I know Matthew, Mark and Luke won’t mind. I knew them, and they’re pretty understanding guys,” John Lilley said. “And though I would’ve liked to keep my room for memories’ sake, I guess I can let it go in the name of spirituality.”
The new rooms will be filled with non-descript spiritual paraphernalia, including a statue of Buddha, the two-faced Hindu goddess baby and the boxers Joseph Smith was wearing when he was “enlightened.”
The last 15 minutes of the program will feature a celebra-tory bonfire lit by accolades from the Methodist Student Center and music by a non-denominational religious singing group that only mentions God in the lower-case.
If the show is picked up for the full season, officials tell us, ABC will be revisiting Baylor to replace the scriptures on the sidewalk outside of Truett with inspirational quotes from Chicken Soup for the Collegiate Soul.
The Dog Show at this year’s Diadeloso was widely applauded as a great success with nearly everyone in attendance doling out high praise for the canine contest.
“My schnauzer, Toodles, earned first prize,” said Leah Brighton, a senior fashion design major. “He had pink bows wrapped in his beautiful fur and he got on his hind legs and did a little dance with me. It was so cute.”
Brighton’s elation over the win had little effect on Toodles, who was seen roll-ing in mud and biting the heels of a gangly and awkward freshman immediately following the ribbon ceremony.
Despite the crowds’ ecstatic jubilation, the dog show’s antics apparently crossed the line for some individuals in the crowd. Ross Rosschild, a junior SAE member, was particularly disgusted by some of the dogs’ showboating.
“When a Yorkshire Terrier wearing a cowboy hat and a suede vest came gallop-ing in on a saddled Bull Mastiff, I decided
I had seen enough,” said Rosschild. “I wouldn’t even make my pledges do that.”
The dog show festivities were tem-porarily broken up after Tally, a Border Collie, ran into the Baylor Science Build-ing and, with people waiting to vote in the student government elections, was able to herd enough votes to be made the new Internal Vice-President.
Parker Short, the other candidate in the running for IVP, was immediately forced to concede the election, despite calls from his campaign staff to reevalu-ate the entire “dog situation.”
Short, following the election deliv-ered a speech to the student population stating, “Baylor is for students – not dogs. Tally’s first priority since reaching office is to request a diamond-studded flea collar. Is that going to help lower tuition rates for college students?”
Despite Short’s pleas for student involvement in overturning the election results, most Baylor students were too
busy rubbing the tummy of Tally and, therefore, had very little interest in the election results or with any current Baylor happenings whatsoever.
Tally plans to rule Baylor with an iron paw and promises to put kibble in every bowl and a chew toy in every doghouse.
cont. from page 4
Two contestants stolen by a most insidious-looking dog-thief.
DANCING
PUBBEARDANCING
PUB It’s just a metaphor, okay? Bears really like to hunt salmon and maul innocent pedestrians- not dance. But then again, there’s nothing like a good beer to soothe those paw marks across your torso.Mon-Thurs: 4-12, Fri-Sun: 12-12
1117 SpeightHAPPY HOUR: 4-6 p.m. 50 cents off everything
TEX-MEX TUES: $1.00 off texas and Mexican beers
PUB NIGHT ON WEDNESDAYS
SUNDAY: $1.00 off drafts
BEAR
According to a press release sent out by student body president Bryan Fonville, Tuesday was national Bryan Fonville Day in honor of the great service Bryan Fonville has provided to Baylor, Waco, the world, and most importantly, Bryan Fonville.
Mayor DuPuy and President Bush officially declared the holiday after Bryan Fonville served his community fearlessly for a school year, never buckling to pressure from the student body, political bodies or the muscular body of Bryan Fonville.
“He’s very capable,” DuPuy said. “At least that’s what I’ve heard from him. Plus, he’s just so darn cute. Oh, that Bryan Fonville.”
Bryan Fonville’s cabinet is also being honored on Bryan Fonville Day. Though it’s not clear which cabinet, sources say kitchen, others say the electoral board that assassinated his competition.
Bryan Fonville has said he was proud to convince the nation that he’s worth a whole day, and that no one deserves such a pointless honor more than Bryan Fonville.
“I’m like the Lincoln of the 21st century,” he said. “I’ve given this city One Book One Waco and….uh….”
Some say that Bryan Fonville was able to persuade the mayor to give him his own holiday by using some kind of super powers for his own selfish benefit.
“I think Bryan Fonville may be Superman,” someone who knows nothing about student government said. “I mean, the signs are all there.”
Though rumors have not been confirmed, Bryan Fonville and Superman have failed to be seen simultaneously.
Former EVP and current fedora-lover Allan Marshall has refused to comment on Bryan Fonville Day, but at a press conference called by Bryan Fonville, he could be heard muttering under his breath, “I’ve created a monster: Bryan Fonville.”
BRIAN FONVILLE CLAIMS EXCELLENCE,ELECTION DOMINANCE WITH AWESOME POWERS OVERFLAWED ‘DEMOCRATIC’ PROCESS
BAYLOR DEPARTMENTOF PARKING AND TENURETO KILL TWO UNRELATED BIRDS WITH ONE RIDICULOUS STONE
Following controversy behind a sloppy tenure decision, rumors have risen that Baylor president John Lilley’s term as president is soon coming to a close. Conspiracy theorists would say Lilley’s term had never existed in the first place, and that ever former Baylor president Bob Sloan left office a series of holographic figureheads (some more effective than others) have created the illusion of order for the chaos that is Baylor University. But some are stupid.
In order to quell the furied faculty members, Baylor ad-ministration is working to form a department devoted solely to faculty. Some claim this institution already exists in the form of Faculty Senate, but some would be wrong.
“The Department of Parking and Tenure will solve everything faculty members have ever cared about, ever,” Director of Media Relations Lori Scott Fogleman said. “We’ve considered a number of options: a game featured in the last The Rope, communicating with Baylor faculty, firing every-one and replacing them with computers. Ultimately, this is the solution that was decided on. It may not be the best, but there you have it.”
Critics say the department, composed of two parking ser-vice officers, a valet named Rob and Provost Randall O’Brien, is an insult to Baylor faculty.
“This is ridiculous,” Roger Ebert said. “Not since Gigli have I witnessed such a horrendous offense of public intel-ligence.”
Baylor president John Lilley was unavailable for comment.
Fonville changes into his pajamas in preparation for a 7:00 bedtime.
BANKSTON’SBANKSTON’SWe all know that you’ll never really get this close to a girl, but at Bankston’s you can always pretend.
1321 S. Valley Mills Drive • 254.755.0070
COMICS, COLLECTABLESCOMICS, COLLECTABLES
5TH-YEAR SENIOR STILL BELIEVES MARK LAYMON STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT
CHASE MCVICKER SUES ELECTORAL COMISSION FOR BEARBUCKS, CHUCK-E-CHEESE COINS
BAYLORSTUDENTGOVERNMENT EFFECTIVELYUTILIZES IMAGINATION
Baylor administration com-mended Student Senate this week for their exceptional ability to “play make believe” and pretend that their institution had any sway whatsoever in determining university policy.
Some imaginary ideas included believing that they could cause the censorship of JuicyCampus.com, believing that Baylor cared about democracy, morality and Baptist heritage more than money and Fonvile earned extra points for wear-ing a cape and making comments like, “Woosh! Look in the sky, Plummer! Is that a bird? Is that a plane? No! It’s me! Brian Fonville!”
Dub Oliver, Mayor of Dreamland, oddly bearing a resem-blance to David Bowie in Labrynth, believes this is the best possible institution for a budding career in political science.
“Baylor is obviously a leader of education when it comes to student politics,” Oliver said whilst stroking what we can only assume was a figment of his imagination (not that way, get your mind out of the gutter). “No other school prepares their active undergraduate body better.”
Baylor University is the only school that teaches you that the only way to work as a politician is to either deal in cor-rupt politics behind a facade of moral democracy, or force yourself into believing you’re making productive decisions.”
5th-year senior Brad Holmstead revealed to a number of his friends last Tuesday during lunch at Schmaltz’s that he was still under the impression that Baylor alumni and former student body president Mark Laymon was still student body president.
“Election’s coming up, huh? It’s going to be difficult to beat Laymon,” Holmstead said. “That guy knows the politics, man.”
While his friends could understand why Holmstead would’ve entirely missed Travis Plummer’s term in office, it took some time to explain to him Laymon was not running for president.
When he was informed that Mark Laymon was no longer the student body president, Holmstead was overwhelmed with a number of questions. “My God, what have I been do-ing with my life?”
Not realizing that this whole Baylor student govern-ment thing was just one big dream, former student body candidate Chase McVicker sued the electoral comission.
In response, Baylor electoral comission stated that, “even if Chase won, we can offer him very little compensa-tion.”
“I mean, I’ve got a few spare Bearbucks,” Electoral comissionar Neckpen Osuan said. “I’m sure we could
scrounge up some Monopoly money, a few Chuck-E-Cheese tokens... Sam Chen says he has a button or two to spare. I mean, honestly Chase, we’re only engaging in this fantasy because there’s not a lot to do between episodes of Lost.”
Peeved, McVicker released a statement saying that he was off to find the world’s largest supply of kryptonite. His search will start on eBay, which will lead to a reluctant but inevitable rant on JuicyCampus.com, where he’ll post three or four comments about how “gay” this whole situation is and how people should get a petition going, and one about how there are no dateable girls on Baylor campus, and another entitled, “Chase McVicker: Hot or Not?”
A drug-induced hallucination.
5th-year senior Holmstead questions his life at a gymnasium after hearing student body president Mark Laymon left office long ago.
HILL BAIL BONDSHILL BAIL BONDS
A RALLY CRY FOR THE EXPLOITED
You could call Hill Bail Bonds, or you could be framed by a jealous suitor, suffer despair while in solitary confine-ment in prison, attempt suicide, sneak out in your fellow inmates body bag, get thrown into the Mediterranean, join a band of smugglers, take on a new identity, move to Paris, manipulate your arch enemy into a series of loans and eventual debt, only to later kidnap him and make him remorseful for all the wrongs he’s committed. It’s your call.
1723 West Waco Dr., 254-757-3636 or 254-379-5319
24-Hour Service, 10% off for Baylor students
A great mind once said, “We don’t need no educa-tion, no dark sarcasm in the classroom”. I for one concur and if we are to tolerate their dark sarcasm we should make them pay. It has been too long coming, ya’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
The faculty of this university have ridden the gravy train one stop too long. This campus treats those long-winded lecturers with a bit too much leeway if you ask me; and their time to shine is up. I mean it isn’t enough that they get free meals at the cafeteria, they are practically assured tenure when they sign their contract, plus the fact that they can check out books for more than 3 weeks at a time?
Absurd…. No, Preposterous! They sit on their ivory towers of knowledge in those swanky offices of theirs only to come
down ever so often to have scribbled on my most recent test “48 Keep up the good Work”. If you find something amiss concerning this debacle they call student faculty relations, you are not alone. They will soon get what they have had coming to them. What you ask? How will you a lowly NoZe brother remedy this angst I have held deep down for so long against the Professors, how will you make them pay for what they have done to me? How, you ask? I hereby decree that all faculty, yes even you deans of college of arts and sciences and John Lilley shall henceforth PAY for the privilege to park.
It’s brilliant really, my multisided scheme. Point number one, this University has been in a state of economic unrest for quite some time now. Surely your paltry tuition isn’t enough to fund a new athletic center, that new 36 inch plasma screen T.V. that does nothing but say “Welcome to the SLC”, and John Lilley’s personal hat fetish.
By forcing those bourgeoisie, prance around campus, elit-ist faculty members to pay for the right to park we will finally be able to afford Dr. Pepper for the Joy and Lady, poor things have been having to drink Mr. Pibb.
Point B, I did some quick calculations and deduced that
I walk to 4.5 percent of my classes every semester. Have you ever seen a faculty member walk to class? That was a rhetori-cal question your response is not required or even desired. No! Have you ever wondered what all those little green golf carts driving around campus are for? The sick? The elderly? The injured? No, No, and yes if you contact student services. They are used to caddy around the enlightened ones about campus. My religion professor seems to have no problem berating me in class after I made the simple mistake of using pen on a scantron (it could happen to anyone really), and yet strolling from Tidwell to Memorial seems as daunting as scal-ing Mt. Everest barefoot.
Numero quatro, The feudal lords of education have exploited we serfs too long! Have you ever wondered where scholarly articles come from? It is nothing more than bits and pieces stolen out of students’ research papers that Professors cadge, rearrange, and call their own! And Wikipedia. We toil in the hard soil of education only to have our gains seized by those we trusted to instruct us. We must rise up! Blood alone moves the wheel of history, blood, and paying for the right to park!
By Lance Molwart, Thinker of thoughts
SCRUFFYMURPHY’SSCRUFFY
CLAY POT
MURPHY’S“Alcoholism, Ssschmalcoholism! I’m going to Scruffs!”
1226 SpeightOpen @ 9 a.m.254.753.0802
Tuesday: $2.00 Bottles, wells and drafts All Night, Wednesday: $1 Lone Star till 11 p.m., Thursday: $1.00 domestic bottles and $2.00 wells 9-11 p.m., Friday: $1.00 domestic bottles 9-11 p.m., Saturday: $1.00 domestic bottles and $2.00 wells 9-11 p.m.
A recent Baylor Policy passed by Student Senate last week required all Baylor women running the Bear Trail to cover up their sports-bra clad bodies with bumblebee suits due to a recent increase in the number of car accidents around the Baylor campus.
Regis Clayton, a Penland freshman, was immediately unhappy with the recently approved policy. “I, for one, am a fierce opponent to the current masculine yoke that is enslav-ing these poor women’s bodies,” said Clayton. “I say down
with the oppression, down with bumblebee suits, and, heck, down with sports bras! Whooooohooo!”
Clayton subsequently ran away from the interview and was seen 30 minutes later focusing on the Bear Trail out of his dorm window through a pair of binoculars with a camera dangling from his neck.
Student Government is willing to compromise on the ap-parel worn on the Bear Trail, allowing hazmat suits, Jacques Cousteau diving equipment, or simply a Steve Buscemi mask.
NEW POLICY REqUIRES GIRLS TO WEAR BUMBLEBEE SUITS
WHILE RUNNING BEAR TRAILGAWKING FRESHMEN DISPLEASED WITH DECISION
Though Dia’s 50s dance theme would once have created a ruckus on campus comparable to the cinematic conflict called Footloose, today it seems more bland than a 10 x 10 area of melting ice shavings, or a 40-something Jack Sparrow knock-off.
Nevertheless, Dia’s Sock Hop theme has stirred up a controversy no room of self-absorbed, Baylor Business Men spawns could have seen coming.
‘My socks are dirty,” Foot-garment conscious freshman Theodore Snartletoober said. “I don’t like dirty socks.”
Starting when a number of undergraduates expressed a desire to bring the sock hop theme into fruition, the shoeless satisfaction only lasted two minutes, when hoppers noticed a distinct discoloration.
“What a tragedy,” Chamber member Matt Wisnewski said. “Think of the laundry! Oh...the laundry!”
Dormitory laundry rooms have been packed with people attempting to unsoil their socks. Campus has been struck with a quarter draught.
“It’s unprecedented,” Vice president of university finance Reagan Ramsower said. “The only precedent I can think of is when I took my kids to Peter Piper Pizza and all they wanted to do was play the arcade games but i was without any coins.”
DIA SOCK HOP THEME CAUSES DIRTY SOCK PROBLEM
STREAKING REDUCED TO STROLLMAKES SPORTING EVENTS EERILY
SIMILAR TO NUDIST COLONIES
When Bill Langston decided to streak across the Baylor Baseball Field last Thursday, he didn’t expect to change the face of sporting events forever. But he did.
Langston’s streak, a spirited, steady stroll across the field, had anti-clothing sporting fans enraptured in a collective epiphany. The fact that one didn’t have to run while streak-ing was an enticing revelation.
“He wasn’t running,” seventh-year Plano senior Matt Mc-
Dade said. “This opens so many more doors to the streaking community.”
Some disagree.“All this does is make sporting events more similar to
nudist colonies,” Sociology professor and nudist colony ex-pert Katherine Mueller said. “If that’s the direction sporting events are headed, I would predict the sale of hot dogs are on their way out.”
Victims of poor planning.
A streaker, pre-the stroll streak of Bill Langston (AP photo).
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The controversy surrounding President Lilley’s tenure denial of 12 professors last week reached its peak Saturday when Baylor University announced Jimmy Rickets, an electrician working for Waco’s Spark Shack, mistakenly received tenure as a professor for the anthropology depart-ment.
According to an anonymous source, Lilley mixed-up envelope addresses after he wrote the acceptance letters and finished paying his bills at 8:00 p.m., a clear half hour past his bedtime. In addition, there’s evidence of a late night hullabaloo taking place at the President’s Mansion that night, with stewed prune and mashed pea stains spattered over the envelopes.
“I’m not too surprised it happened,” said the source. “One time he put his pair of shoes in the oven and wore a couple of baked potatoes on his feet.”
The announcement of Rickets receiving tenure over certainly more qualified candidates left many in the Baylor community in an universally dumbfounded gawp. Rick-ets, an experienced electrician for “twifty some odd years”, apparently was just as taken aback as the rest of the Baylor Faculty of the news of his recent tenure appointment.
“I can’t believe that I’ve been bestowed with this here great honor,” said Rickets. “And to think, all I wanted from him was a $200 check for fixin’ some of his faulty sockets.”
Rickets’ recent attempts at research and lecturing classes have been futile, with Rickets having no formal education in anything except the art of fixing anything electrical. Ac-cording to students in his classes, Rickets shuffles around the classroom every “ten seconds checking light fixtures or tapping on people’s cell phones to make sure there isn’t any short circuits or something.”
Not too many people, apart from Rickets, is excited about Lilley’s latest mishaps, however. Dr. Bori Laker, a Baylor professor in anthropology who should have received
Rickets’s tenure, would not go empty handed despite Lilley’s apparent miscue.
“I received a letter that was clearly intended to be a bill payment for a utility man’s services,” said Laker. “But when I opened the envelope, I saw that it was filled with a bunch of old peoples’ pills. I sure do hope Dr. Lilley is OK.”
The Waco electrician wasn’t the only one to accidentally receive tenure from the Lilley administration. According to his offices in Pat Neff, a plumber, a newspaper boy, and the entire IRS have recently been tenured.
LILLEY MIXES UP TENURE ACCEPTANCE LETTERS WHILE PAYING BILLSLOCAL WACO ELECTRICIAN TO BECOME FIRST TENURED UTILITY MAN
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