The Secrets of Existence and Fulfilment

8/21/2019 The Secrets of Existence and Fulfilment

1/21

. U. SIVRI

THE SECRETS OF

EXISTENCE AN

F

ULFILMENT

5


2/21

Copyright © D. U. Sivri (2015)

The right of D. U. Sivri to be identified as author of this or! has

been asserted by hi" in a##ordan#e ith se#tion $$ and $% of the

Copyright& Designs and 'atents #t 1%%.

** rights reserved. +o part of this pub*i#ation "ay be

reprodu#ed& stored in a retrieva* syste"& or trans"itted in any

for" or by any "eans& e*e#troni#& "e#hani#a*& photo#opying&

re#ording& or otherise& ithout the prior per"ission of the

pub*ishers.

ny person ho #o""its any unauthori,ed a#t in re*ation to this

pub*i#ation "ay be *iab*e to #ri"ina* prose#ution and #ivi* #*ai"s

for da"ages.

C-' #ata*ogue re#ord for this tit*e is avai*ab*e fro" the ritish

/ibrary.

The infor"ation in this boo! is intended to be edu#ationa*& and

shou*d not be "isused in any ay hatsoever. The infor"ation&

a*though diagnosti# by nature& shou*d not rep*a#e #onsu*tation

ith a ua*ified hea*th#are professiona*. The #ontent of this boo!

is intended to be used as an adun#t to a rationa*& responsib*e and

ua*ified hea*th#are progra""e. The author and pub*isher are in

no ay *iab*e for any "isuse of the #ontent.

-S+ $% 1 $%55 3%1 5 ('aperba#!)-S+ $% 1 $%55 3%4 (ardba#!)

.austin"a#au*ey.#o"

6irst 'ub*ished (2015)

ustin 7a#au*ey 'ub*ishers /td.25 Canada Suare

Canary 8harf /ondon

91 5/

'rinted and bound in :reat ritain

3


3/21

#!no*edg"ents

Than! you to "y fa"i*y and friends for "a!ing this boo! be#o"e a rea*ity. Than! you to a** the peop*e - have he*ped

over the years;by he*ping you& - have a*so he*ped "yse*f.

$


4/21

%


5/21

CONTENTS

-+T=U< 69=U< :=/S

CHAPTER THREE: 67

97'=89=U< -:9< C=+SC-=US +D T9 /8 =6

TT


6/21

10


7/21

INTRODUCTION

8e a** need he*p at various points in our *ives. 8or! #an be

#ha**enging& boring and repetitive. =ur re*ationships #an be

diffi#u*t& unfu*fi**ing and prob*e"ati#. 6a"i*y *ife #an be

"onotone& hu"dru" and uninspiring ;

So hat is it that separates #ertain peop*e fro" others@ 8hy is

it that so"e peop*e #an get through *ife and "a!e a su##ess of

everything& and others see" to be stu#! in a perpetua* rut of

negativity and undera#hieve"ent@ -s there a E"agi# for"u*aF

that enab*es so"e peop*e to a*ays E#o"e up s"e**ing of

rosesF& hi*st for others *ife tends to be one *ong strugg*e ;

7y years or!ing as a psy#hotherapist have "eant that - haveen#ountered peop*e fro" a** a*!s of *ife and have he*ped

the" to dea* ith a** types of prob*e"s in their dai*y *ives. 6or

the "aority of peop*e& their *ives ust need Etea!ingF& #ertain

readust"ents and i"prove"ents on a pra#ti#a* *eve* to he*p

the" "ove forards in *ife. 6or others& the so*utions are "ore

#o"p*eG& they invo*ve deeper psy#ho*ogi#a* uestions that

need to be addressed and ansers that need to be found inre*ation to their per#eptions and understanding of their *ives.

8e a** have si"i*ar issues in *ife& but hat defines so"e

peop*e fro" others is their abi*ity to #ope ith #ertain adverse

situations in their *ives and use those definitive points to their

advantage& rather than to their detri"ent.

fter a**& ho hasnFt orried about the fo**oing thingsH

ging

eing *one

11


8/21

/osing a /oved =ne


9/21

So"eti"es itFs ust a uestion of being mindful & of

re#ogni,ing hat you are thin!ing and #ha**enging those E*itt*e

voi#esF of negativity that !eep popping up every ti"e you

ant to say or do so"ething. - i** he*p you to dron out

those negative voi#es that have he*d you ba#! in *ife.

So"eti"es it #an ta!e an Epiphany to for#e you to #hange&

and at other ti"es& itFs ust a uestion of or!ing ith

yourse*f and di*igen#e that enab*e you to get the resu*ts you

are *oo!ing for. 8hatever e do to "a!e us #hange& the

rea*ity is that e "ust do something! I-f e do hat e have

a*ays done& e i** get hat e have a*ays gottenJ is the

o*d adage; nd hen it #o"es to our *ives& this is very true.8e tend to thin! that the ansers to our prob*e"s *ie

so"ehere e*se. -n rea*ity a** the so*utions to our diffi#u*ties

*ie ithin us. 8e ust have to *earn ho to un*o#! the

potentia* that e have and use it to enhan#e and benefit our

*ives. =f #ourse& so"eti"es e need a :uide& a Coa#h or a

7entor to point us in the right dire#tion. ThatFs here

so"eone *i!e "e #o"es a*ong. - have spent years he*ping peop*e rea*ise their true potentia*. - have "et peop*e fro"

// a*!s of *ifeH

#tors& Singers& Sports"en and Sportso"en& City

ighf*iers& /ayers& ouseives& *ueCo**ar 8or!ers&

Coup*es& Sing*es& you na"e it ; -Fve "et the" a**B 8hatever

their obs or ba#!grounds& they a** have one thing in #o""onH

Th !"#$ %& I'($&) %h#$ L#)"

So"eti"es itFs TT si"p*e. -t starts ith a desire. Then

be#o"es an un#ontro**ab*e uest to find ansers to i"prove

their *ives or to find a deeper "eaning to what it’s all about .

So"eti"es it is 6ear that drives us& other ti"es it is /ove& andon#e in a hi*e e are driven by a for#e that even e donFt

tru*y understand. 8hat - have found though& is that& hatever

the reason is for #hange& e #anFt a*ays fight it. -t has a

14


10/21

poer a** of its on that re"ains unsatiated unti* it is

a##o"p*ished.

Change is inevitab*e. -t is nothing to orry about or be fearfu*

of. That is hy you have bought this boo! in the first p*a#eH>ou a*ready A+=8 you need to #hange for the better. 7aybe

you have pro#rastinated& or "aybe you have put it off be#ause

you have been too busy& or fearfu*& but hatever your eG#uses

have been& you !no that +=8 is the ti"e for that #hange to

happen.

Changing our *ives for the better is not easy& but together e

i** *oo! atH

K 8ays to eGperien#e "ore oy in your *ife

K 8ays to give your *ife "ore purpose and "eaning

K 8ays to "a!e your hopes and ishes be#o"e rea*ity

K 8ays to be#o"e "ore assertive

K 8ays to i"prove se*f#onfiden#e

K 8ays to reprogra""e your thought patterns

K 8ays to dea* ith negative peop*e in your *ife

K 8ays to understand you are responsib*e for your *ife

K 8ays to find -nner 'ea#e

K 8ays to find "ore satisfa#tion& *ove and trust in your *ife

1


11/21

K 8ays to be "ore sy"patheti# and e"patheti#

K 8ays to better understand yourse*f and others

K 8ays to over#o"e your fears and *ive your *ife "ore

opti"a**y

=f #ourse& so"e areas of se*fi"prove"ent "ay re*ate to you

"ore than others. The !ey is to fo#us on the areas that you

need to or! "ore on& yet at the sa"e ti"e in#orporate a** the

areas into your *ife so that you fee* i"proved in a** aspe#ts of

your daytoday *iving. So"eti"es& things or! ith a !no#!

on effe#tL on#e you !no#! over the first do"ino& they i** a**

topp*e over. -"proving yourse*f is *i!e that. =n#e you

i"prove a #ertain area of your *ife& then the benefits #an a*so

be observed in other areas. -"prove"ents i** fo**o on

natura**y.

+o "atter hat area of your *ife and to hat *eve* you ant to

e"poer and i"prove yourse*f& +=8 is the perfe#t ti"e to

sha!e off the sha#!*es of pro#rastination. Together e #an

*oo! at and or! on #ertain aspe#ts of your *ife& but

u*ti"ate*y& you have the potentia* and poer to be the person

you deserve to be.

- i** a*so present you ith #ase studies so you #an see other peop*e in si"i*ar situations to the ones you find yourse*f in&

and the so*utions they found to over#o"ing any debi*itating

fa#tors in their *ives. - i** a*so give you the psy#ho*ogi#a*

too*s you i** need to enhan#e your *ife and provide you ith

re*evant definitions and uotes to he*p you understand and

i"p*e"ent ne ideas and ne ays of thin!ing.

9verything you read in this boo! is based on fa#ts and!no*edge - have gained over the years or!ing as a

psy#hotherapist using Cognitive M ehaviora* Therapy and an

e#*e#ti# "iG of other s#hoo*s of psy#ho*ogi#a* thought.

15


12/21

6ina**y& - ou*d *i!e to than! you for reading The Secrets of

Existence and Fulfilment & and - ou*d *i!e to #ongratu*ate you

in finding the #ourage to ta!e the first steps forard in

be#o"ing a better and "ore #ontented You.

13


13/21

CHAPTER ONE:

FACING YOUR FEARS

IF*$+ n. 1 an unp*easant e"otion #aused by the threat of danger& pain or har". 2 the *i!e*ihood of so"ething

une*#o"e happening. )+ 1 be afraid of. 2 (,*$ ,&$) be

anGious about.J

=


14/21

body to a** intents and purposes are the sa"e. 6or these peop*e

their fears then be#o"e very rea* on every *eve*.

So hat is it that peop*e #an be fearfu* of@

/etFs *oo! at a fe #ase studies and see if you re#ogni,e anyof your fears in the fo**oing s#enarios ;

K Dana is thirtyeight years o*d. She has a good ob in

/ondon& is "arried& has a young daughter and *ives in a ni#e

part of ton. 6ro" the outside& her *ife *oo!s fair*y idy**i# and

troub*e free. So hat is it that Dana is fearfu* of@

I9very day - a!e up and -F" orried that -F" ust not goodenough. 7y ob is so de"anding and draining& that - fear -

i** have a brea!don. - a" orried that -F" not a good

"other. - donFt have any "aterna* fee*ings toards "y #hi*d

and -F" s#ared that - "ight da"age her psy#ho*ogi#a**y in

so"e ay. 7y *ife is not fu*fi**ing "e at a**. - donFt thin! -

*ove "y husband and -F" fearfu* that the "arriage is not

satisfying "e the ay - had hoped it ou*d. - fee* trapped&*one*y and desperate and "ost of the ti"e - a" s#ared that -

"ay do so"ething that - regret. -F" #onstant*y on edge and -

#anFt see a ay forards. *so& on top of everything& "y

fa"i*y *ive abroad and - #onstant*y orry about the" too. -F"

s#ared of *osing "y ob& "y "arriage and "y sanity ;J

DanaFs *ife is ra#!ed ith fear. She is orried and fearfu* in

every situation in her *ife. Can you re*ate to any of the fears

she has@ ere are so"e "ore eGa"p*esH

K 7argaret is siGtyfive years o*d. She is a finan#ia* eGpert in

an internationa* #o"pany in The City of /ondon. She has

or!ed hard a** her *ife and is eGtre"e*y e** respe#ted and

ad"ired in her fie*d. She has "any #*ients& a very good sa*ary&

an apart"ent in the #entre of /ondon and a #ountry house.

8hat #ou*d 7argaret possib*y be fearfu* of@

I- have been a or!aho*i# a** "y *ife. - have or!ed *ong

hours every day and have strived for perfe#tion in hat - do. -

*ive for "y ob and #anFt see a *ife aay fro" "y or!. - have

1%


15/21

pushed "yse*f to be su##essfu*& despite "y fear of being

around peop*e. - dis*i!e pub*i# spea!ing and "eetings; - fee*

as if -F" a*ays being udged by everyone. - de#ided a *ong

ti"e ago that - didnFt ant #hi*dren& hi#h - no deep*y

regret. -n rea*ity& "y fa"i*y is "y ob and or!p*a#e. 7y

husband is very to*erant of "e& but -F" s#ared that deep don&

"y ho"e *ife "ay not be sti"u*ating enough for "e; - have

de#ided to retire& but - ust #anFt bring "yse*f to #ut ba#! on

or!. - dread the idea of stopping or! a*together. 8hat i**

- do if - stop@ o i** - o##upy those e"pty hours@


16/21

sou*"ate out there. - a" s#ared of ending up a*one. - ish

things had been different. 8hy #anFt - find *ove and be in a

nor"a* re*ationship *i!e other peop*e are ;@J

ave you ever fe*t as a*one as 7i#hae* has@ ave you ever ondered if there as so"eone out there in the or*d for you

the sa"e ay that he has@ ave you ever been fearfu* that you

ou*d end up o*d and *one*y& and a** by yourse*f@

efore e *oo! at so"e "ore #ase studies& *et us ta!e a "ore

in depth *oo! at hat Fear is& ith a "ore psy#ho*ogi#a*

definition& together ith te#hniues and too*s to over#o"e its

debi*itating effe#ts.

F*$ n e"otiona* state in the presen#e or anti#ipation of a

dangerous or noGious sti"u*us. 6ear is usua**y #hara#teri,ed

by an interna*& sube#tive eGperien#e of eGtre"e agitation& a

desire to f*ee or to atta#!& and a variety of sy"patheti#

rea#tions. 6ear is often differentiated fro" nGiety on one (or

both) of to groundsH

(a) 6ear is treated as invo*ving spe#ifi# obe#ts or events hi*e

anGiety is regarded as a "ore genera* e"otiona* stateL

(b) 6ear is #onsidered a rea#tion to a present danger& anGiety

to an anti#ipated or i"agined one.

(*so 'hobia& a spe#ifi#& persistent& irrationa* fear).

Di#tionary of 'sy#ho*ogy& 'enguin


17/21

8e**& on#e you be#o"e aare of your negative thin!ing

hi#h *eads to a parti#u*ar e"otiona* disturban#e& be it orry&

anGiety or fear& you #an *earn to "odify your thin!ing by

*oo!ing at the fo**oing psy#ho*ogi#a* pro#eduresH

1. /earn to see that your Beliefs *ead to e"otiona* and

behaviora* onseuences.

2. Che#! that you have a strong "otivation to change your

e"otiona* disturban#es and behaviors hen you rea*i,e the

onseuences.

4.


18/21

I'*#/*. U" &, #'*"

-h*)#&$*. U" &, *%#&/"

-n the sa"e ay you #an eva*uate and test a s#ientifi#

hypothesis& a e*ief #an be verified by eva*uating the avai*ab*e

eviden#e re*ating to that e*ief. 9viden#e #on#erning the

va*idity of your e*ief #an be obtained fro" your !no*edge

and previous eGperien#es (your verba* and i"agina* disputing)

or by a "eans of a behaviora* #he#! *ist (behaviora*

disputing). These strategies #an be used to #ha**enge your inferences about hat has happened in a situation& or to

#ha**enge your evaluations about hat has happened.

( "nferences M a#ts or pro#esses of deriving *ogi#a* #on#*usions

fro" pre"ises !non or assu"ed to be true.

Evaluations M syste"ati# deter"inations of a sube#tFs "erit&

orth and signifi#an#e& using #riteria governed by a set of

standards).

V$*. %h&" &, &#,;#/ ourse*f

ny negative or "a*adaptive thoughts you "ay have #an be

#ha**enged by the "ost usefu* too* to useL Ouestions.


19/21

you "ay find these "ore produ#tive. e*o youF** find so"e

types of uestions that i** he*p you hen you *earn to start

disputing your negative and fearfu* thoughts.

E8hat is the eviden#e that ;@F

Eo #an - find out "ore about ;@F

E8hat "a!es that so bad for "e@F

Eo does it fo**o that ;@F

E8ho #an give "e the infor"ation that - need@F

End if that ere the #ase@F

E8hat is the very orst thing that #ou*d happen ;@F

E8ho says - "ust@F

Eo does that "ean that ;@F

E8hat ou*d it ta!e to #onvin#e "e that ;@F

E8hat does it say about "e if ;@F

E-s that so"ething that - rea**y ant or need@F

E-s there any proof that ;@F

24


20/21

So for eGa"p*e& if e ta!e the first uestionH E8hat is the

eviden#e that ;@F

8hen you are fearfu*& negative thin!ing starts to ta!e over and

your "ind starts andering and a** your thoughts are gearedtoards past rongs or past hurtsL the negativity *eads you to

start thin!ing in ays you donFt ant to and you "ay start

doing things that #ou*d be per#eived as being paranoid . t

this point& you shou*d start using the uestioning pro#ess.

9Ga"p*eH

-f you have been #heated on in the past& then you "ay be pre

disposed to thin!ing your partners are *i!e*y to #heat on you.

fter a**& the seed has been sown# and you then find yourse*f

*oo!ing for the water (the eviden#e) to feed your doubts and

fears.

Ouestioning 'ro#ess

$%hat is the evidence that my partner is cheating&'

s! the uestion& then *oo! for the eviden#e.

Then #ontinue in this "anner ;

$"s there any proof that my partner is unfaithful&'

s! the uestion& then *oo! for any proof.

$%hat would it ta(e to convince me that my partner lovesme&'

s! the uestion and find the #onfir"ation that you need.

2


21/21

>ou #an #ontinue ith as "any types of uestions that you

need in order to find )eal *nswers instead of *etting your

i"agination run riot.

-n addition to uestioning& there are a fe other strategies that

you #an use to he*p you eva*uate the eviden#e regarding your

fearfu* be*iefs and the rationa*ity of your negative thin!ing.

These strategies in#*udeH

-nfor"ation M :aining

Use of Co"parisons

Use of u"or

Documents

The Secrets of Existence and Fulfilment