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P LUS : 7 DAY NEW BRAUNFELS/SAN MARCOS L IVE MUS IC GU IDEP LUS : 7 DAY NEW BRAUNFELS/SAN MARCOS L IVE MUS IC GU IDE

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table of contents1st WordMike tortures a "psychic".3

Last WordBil l Maher can suck it

and burn in Hell. 15

Best of the WurstKneel before the 2013 champions!14

12

Sound Out Of TownBecause Austin and San Antonio occasionally have live music too.

The County ’sMost WantedLook, mommy! Daddy’s in the paper!

Ask a MexicanGustavo of fends in two languages.

8

13

Citizen SoundcheckThe ONLY guide of i ts kind for

the NB/SM Metroplex!

Advice fromUncle Esel

Got a problem? You will..

The Beer HunterWhen Mitchell drinks,

we all learn something.

Help WantedGet yo’ job on.

DiversionsKaraoke, trivia, pool tourneys, and such.

7

10

Citizen On TourMan with paper takes photo.

CalendarStuf f to do. Go do stuf f. 5

11

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When people ask me why I call New

Braunfels “Texas’ Most Corrupt

City”, I tell them it’s because the

government here has different

rules for different people, and

a handful of well-connected folks

are hauling in taxpayer money

(and other perqs) hand-over-fist. Plus

it’s good PR for the economy, because when

certain executives see the word “corrupt”, they

know they can come here and wantonly raid

our treasury and get free booze at Chamber of

Commerce parties. It’s really a win-win.

This past Monday, City Council did some

favors for select community pillars that we think

meet what we’ve come to consider standard

operating procedure. One of those favors has

been developing for weeks, and man, it’s a lot

to digest. It’s super-juicy. And for that reason,

I really want to savor the story, so I’m going

to wait until next week to lay it on you. It’s so

awesome. Your head is going to burst.

In other news, I left town last week

to represent our fair city in the Eighth

Annual Opportunity Village Celebrity Poker

Tournament at Caesars Palace. (Vegas Trivia:

Yes, that is punctuated right. There’s no

apostrophe in “Caesars Palace”. The idea is

that everyone there is a Caesar.) If you’re a fan

of Celebrity Apprentice, you’re familiar with

Opp Village as the charity that Penn Jillette

plays for. I haven’t watched The Apprentice

since season one in 2004, because every

week I wanted to reach through my TV and

strangle that Omarosa b##ch.

Returning to my adopted home town of Las

Vegas is always a delight, because I get to visit

the site of the largest financial hit I’ve ever taken

– a $400,000 cash loss on a show that has run

for decades in Boston, The Kennedy Center, and

Chicago, but which made it a painful eleven

weeks in Vegas. Fortunately, two of the people

that contributed to the demise of the project have

done jail time for their part in that disaster, so if

anybody wonders why I’m so motivated to clean

up corruption here in town, there you have it.

Personal crusade. A vendetta, if you will.

Anyway, I always help out the

volunteers before the game by

getting the celebrities to sign a

poker table that will be raffled

off later in the day. Robin Leach

is always the life of the party,

although he’s usually hammered

by 10am and dresses worse than I do.

The tournament room is always chock-full of

well-known professional poker players, eager

to destroy the cast of Jersey Boys and flirt with

Miss Nevada (she has perfect skin, by the

way), and there’s always a snake oil saleslady

“psychic” reader in there too, which has never

made sense to me.

Her name is Mystic Mona, and if you ask

her anything about anything, her stock answer

is always “I’m not that kind of psychic”, which

I always follow up with “Then what good are

you?” This year she left the tournament in a

huff after we insisted that a sign be placed

on her table that said “For Entertainment

Purposes Only”. Apparently she’s not that

kind of psychic either. (It should be noted that

anyone with psychic powers would never,

ever be allowed in a casino. Casino GMs

don’t take those kinds of chances. Duh.)

A couple years back, Mona asked that I

sit for a “reading” with her so a photographer

could get some publicity shots. I told her “I’m

not that kind of sucker”, but the photographer

was hot, so I went along with it.

Mona dealt out some Tarot cards, telling

me what each one meant, but not stating how

they related to me. As it turned out, that was

my job. She finished explaining them, and

then told me it was time to ask her questions,

which really meant it was time for me to start

handing her information about myself that she

could regurgitate and pretend to have come

up with herself. How she couldn’t have told

beforehand that I wasn’t going to cooperate is

beyond me. Mystic Mona sucks. I don’t even

think Mystic Mona is her real name.

Continued on next page.

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Continued from previous page.

After registration was finished, everybody

headed over to Pure nightclub for the traditional

brunch that annually consists of scrambled egg

tarts and little tiny, itsy bitsy, teeny tiny stacks

of chicken and waffles drizzled in maple

syrup. It’s strange eating actual food in a very

dimly-lit, ice-white nightclub, because most of

the people that frequent such places generally

live off of cocktail olives and Red Bull. And

cocaine. Naturally, I had seconds.

After brunch, we all sat down to play.

226 players at the tables, and who the ####

sits next to me but Satan herself:

It was the Omarosa! I thought I was going

to burst into flames on the spot. I managed

to take half her stack before the table broke

up, so at least I had that going for me. Later, I

mortally wounded poker pro Perry Friedman,

which was fun, and then found myself in the

worst position possible – to the immediate

right of poker god and former member of the

notorious MIT Blackjack Team, Andy Bloch.

I always feel brain damaged around Andy

Bloch, because he’s like super smart and stuff.

Fortunately, the table broke before he could

steal a fourth blind from me.

After it was all said and done, your boy

made the final table. The first prize was a seat

in the main event at this year’s World Series of

Poker, which a pro took down, as usual. My

eighth place finish got me in the money, with

$1,000 that I turned right around and donated

back to Opp Village, because I AM A SAP. But

hey, good cause and all.

\m/

Mike Reynolds

Publisher/Editor-in-Chief

If you’d like to throw down for Opportunity Village, check

them out online at opportunityvillage.com. They do sweet

work for some rockin’ people. And watch Penn Jillette play

for Opp Village on Celebrity Apprentice All-Stars Sunday

nights. Omarosa’s already been fired, so it’s cool.

TheGruene Flea

Antique Mall

TheGruene Flea

Antique Mall

TheGruene Flea

Antique Mall

TUESDAY-SATURDAY10:00 am till 6:00 pm

SUNDAY 12:00 pm till 6:00 pm

311 FM 306 830-226-7179

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WAREHOUSE SALE!EVERYTHING YOU NEED! GREAT GIFTS!

Licensed Sport Novelties, Footware,Toys, Clothing, Much More!

ALL IS CHEAP.100 pallets for your shopping pleasure.

FRIDAY APRIL 12 & SATURDAY APRIL 13Starting at 7am

LOCAL MAJOR DISTRIBUTOR

FridayDry River Religion 9pm

SaturdayDanger*Cakes 9pm

www.rileystavern.com TAVERNSINCE1933

Texas' First Bar After Prohibition!Texas' First Bar After Prohibition!

The Omarosa

Mike Reynolds (Bald) with Andy Bloch (Less So)


1 2 3

5 6 7

9 10 11

13 14 15

17 18 19

CHALK FEST AT THE PARKCome on out to Landa Park and help convert the Dance Slab into a

cement-and-chalk art wonderland! Chalk is provided, all ages welcome to draw or just watch. 10am to noon, Saturday April 13. Free!

MARSCH-UND WANDERGRUPPE SPRING WALKThe New Braunfels Marsch-und Wandergruppe and the Mayor’s

Fitness Council of Wimberley are sponsoring a Spring Walk on Saturday, April 13 and Sunday, April 14. The 5K/10K walk will start at the Wimberley Community Center, 14068 Ranch Road 12, Wimberley, TX, between 8am and noon on both days, and the walk must be completed by 3:00 pm. Cost for the walk is $3.00. More information can be found at muw.walktexas.org/re_springwalk.htm.

SUNDAY DANCE AT THE GERONIMO VFWBobby Jordan and the Ridgecreek Band will be performing all your

old country dance favorites at the Geronimo VFW Post 8456, 6808 N Highway 123, Geronimo, April 14, 3-6:30 PM (open seating). Kitchen opens at 2 PM. $7.00 donation. Smokefree and always open to everyone. Info 830-303-9903.

CITY GOVERNMENT HOLIDAYCome out to NBU on Saturday, April 20, and breathe a sigh of

relief with City officials as NBU’s Shred Day returns to destroy evidence documents of a personal, business, and/or official nature. Your first two copier boxes full of receipts for “massages” and “professional services - other” will be shredded at no charge, with up to two additional boxes run through the machine for five bucks apiece. 9am to noon.

ANNUAL THRU THE CHUTE BOAT RACEBuild a boat out of cardboard, risk your life in the tube chute in what’s

become a New Braunfels spring tradition! 10am to noon, Saturday, April 20. Boat check-in at 9am. $25 to race, FREE to watch!

HAIR AND HEARTS BLUES FESTIVALAnnual concert and BBQ at Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten to benefit Pink

Heart Funds! Got some hair you’d like to donate for a great cause? Blinders Hair Salon will be on hand to take your donation and make sure you look fantastic afterward! Featuring The Monty “Guitar” Tyler Band, Charlie and the Cool Cats, Adam Johnson and The Blues Buzzards. The BBQ and music start at 1pm. Presented by The New Braunfels Blues Society, Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten, and Blinders Hair Salon. The Pink Heart Funds is a group of dedicated volunteers who support and enhance the lives of those affected by cancer and other conditions. Be there April 20!

GOT AN EVENT TO PROMOTE? We’ll get the word out for you!

Send the details to [email protected].

CALENDAR

Massage | Waxing | Facials | Makeup

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April is GrandOpening Month!

$39 for a 1hr Swedish MassageNew clients only, $10 off regular

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Spring Specials!20% OFF

Prom Makeup or FacialLimit one per person.

Exp 4/30/2013

243 N. Union Ave 830-629-2662 Like us on243 N. Union Ave 830-629-2662 Like us on

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on touron tour

Citizen Wayne Nelson took a little bit of Texas back home with him to the frozen tundra of Minnesota, with mixed results. His hands were treated for major cuts shortly after this photo was shot, as it was so cold that the paper shattered in his hands. He did enjoy "Ask a Mexican", however.

Mike Reynolds (Bald) with Andy Bloch (Less So)


WANTEDCASA Constituents - Don’t Get “Caught” at Home!

Put on your denim, boots and bling and kick up your heels to the music of �e Harleys. Honoring Sheri� Bob Holder and County Commissioner Jan Kennady.

Jan Kennady

Comal County Commissioner, Precinct 4

Bob Holder

6:30 pmSeekatz Opera House / New Braunfels, TX

Bring your wad of cash for the Right to Remain Silent Auction!$60 per person - tickets can be purchased at www.casacentex.org,

by calling 830-626-2272 or at the door. Food and drink included with ticket.

Thank you to our sponsors:

TXCITIZEN.COM 7

Buffalo Wings & RingsKaraokeTuesday Nights, 7:30pm

TriviaThursday Night, 7:30pm

Dirty’s Bar & QKaraokeWednesday Nights, 8pmSaturday Nights, 9pm

Faust Brewing CompanyTriviaThursday Nights, 8pm

Freiheit Country StoreKaraokeFriday Nights, 8pm

TriviaSaturday Nights, 8pm

Happy CowKaraokeThursday Nights, 8pm

TriviaWednesday Nights, 8pm

Pool TournamentMonday Nights, 8pm

Old Ice HouseKaraokeThursdays, Sundays

DJWednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays

Phoenix SaloonKaraokeThursday Nights

Prickly Pear LoungeKaraokeThursdays, Saturdays

DJ KCFridays

The Watering Hole SaloonKaraokeThursdays

Country Dance LessonsFridays, 7:30pm - FREE

DJFridays, Saturdays

diversionsMountain Breeze Campground We are hiring office and bar staff

starting now through the summer. Part-time and full-time positions. Must have a great attitude, because attitude is everything! Apply at Mountain Breeze Camp on River Rd or call 830 964 2484 ext 0.

The New Braunfels Auction Co. & Gruene Flea Antique Mall needs a variety of seasonal temp to hire part time and/or full time workers. Estate sale set up, sales operation, retail, furniture movers, etc. Great fun work environment, part time, flex and full time depending on ability, availability and experience. Great student and summer jobs! Apply in person at 311 FM306 Bldg.#2 New Braunfels TX 78130.

OurBlokAre you a connector? We are looking for

two professional representatives to help in the area. Salary, commission and bonuses offered based on experience and performance. If you like people and have a service mentality you may be the perfect fit. Past sales experience helpful but not mandatory. Email your resume to [email protected] to discuss further.

Alpine HausWe have one position for experienced

waitstaff in our upscale restaurant. Knowledge of German language and culture a plus. We are also hiring kitchen prep and dishwasher. Must be reliable. Apply in person from 3 PM to 4:30 PM Thursday through Sunday at 251 S. Seguin Ave. New Braunfels.

Edwards Property Management Division is growing! We’re hiring for 3 positions:

1) Licensed Property Manager. Full-time with some emergency on-call. Base salary plus commissions and bonuses. Active Texas Real Estate license required. Some experience in leasing/property management preferred. Main responsibilites include working with owners to keep investment properties operating at highest and best use, lease signings, tenant screening, etc.

2) Community Manager/Collections Specialist. Full-time with some emergency on-call. Responsibilites include managing a manufactured home community and mini-storage complex. Works with tenants to orchestrate repairs, collect rents, and keep units occupied. Base salary plus bonuses.

3) Licensed Leasing Agent. Commission only. Help potential tenants find a rental home/apartment, submit lease applications, convert tenants into buyers. Active Texas Real Estate license required.

Email resume to [email protected].

The Mund Group - Property and Casualty Account Manager

This person will Assist the producer by handling the marketing of new business and renewal submissions including preparing applications, surveys and other documents for submission, selection of markets, negotiations with underwriters, preparation of proposals, processing of policies as well as reviewing issued policies for accuracy and endorsements. Other duties include servicing the needs of client accounts, inputting and updating policy details and maintaining new/renewal client files.

Requirements: General Lines Property and Casualty

LicenseKnowledge of Applied Systems ProgramsAbility to multi task and handle a large

volume of items simultaneouslyGood organizational skills, with high

attention to detailAbility to prioritize and work

independently

Base Salary +Email your resume to: jobs@

themundgroup.com Camp Huaco SpringsIt’s that time of year again! We’re hiring for

the reservation office at Camp Huaco Springs. Must work the 3 major holiday weekends and have excellent phone etiquette. We’re super flexible with hours - part time or full time, and we can schedule around your needs. Seasonal work only. Please stop by the RV Store on River Road to pick up an application. We would really like to hire some Scooter Store employees that have been laid off!

Mile High Yard Works is hiring full or part time workers for fun work outside! Kick the cubical! We are looking for Labor and a delivery driver. Contact Tommy at 830-626-3455.

Eclipse Window Tinting is now hiring. Contact Aaron at 830-237-2267.

M4 Cleaning Services is hiring 6 housekeepers for residential & commercial cleaning in New Braunfels. $9.00/hour. Call 210-386-6429

Elite Auto Sounds is hiring for the position of sign spinner. Seeking fresh faces and enthusiastic personalities. Hourly + bonuses. Apply in person @ Rueckle & 35.

Got a nice opening? We’ll help fill it, FREE! Send your job listings to [email protected]. Hire former Scooter Store employees, and we’ll pay you off with up to $1,500 in advertising credit!

HELP WANTEDBiergarten

Featuring Guadalupe Brewing Co. Beers

Special Events Monthly

Fresh Handmade Sandwiches and Salsa

Private Parties- Catering

Wedding Facilities AvailableLive Music Every Night

Never a CoverKid & Pet Friendly

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Call for Hours!

omalovesyou.com

Biergarten Featuring Guadalupe Brewing Co. Beers

Special Events Monthly

Fresh Handmade Sandwiches and Salsa

Private Parties- Catering

Wedding Facilities AvailableLive Music Every Night

Never a CoverKid & Pet Friendly

1263 Gruene Road • 830.625.1045

Call for Hours!

omalovesyou.com

April 11 @ 6 Jam Night

April 12@ 6 The Chubby Knuckle Choir

April 13@ 1 Smokehouse Blues

@ 6 Pepper’s Blues

April 14@ 2 The Blues Buzzards

April 18@ 6 Jordan Minor

and the Bottom Dollar Band

Upcoming Shows:

See you there!

BEST OF THE

WURST 2013

Double Winner!Best Live Music Venue

& Best Biergarten

8 AD SALES 830.483.9563

Thu 4.11Black Whale Pub

TBA9pm

Dirty’s Bar & QSteven Roloff & Alan Goodman8pm

Freiheit Country StoreOpen Mic w/ Fallon Franklin6pm

Oma Gruene’s Secret GartenJam Night6pm

Phoenix SaloonAdam Johnson5pm

The Pour HausRoss Brunner7pm

Riley’s TavernThe Untouchables9pm

Adobe VerdeTBA8pm

AJ’s Ale HouseRock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show9pm

Billy’s Ice HouseBrian Pounds8pm

Black & Tan PubDJ Tofer, DJ HardKandi, John Tres9pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseAdam Carrollw/ Chris Carroll9pm

Gruene HallSarah Pierce Band6pm

River Road Ice HousePawn Shop Gold8pm

Texas Music TheaterJason Boland & the Stragglersw/ Shooter Jennings7:30pm, $18-$72

Triple CrownMolly J Hayes6pmTBA9pm

Uptown Piano BarAshley Stone8pm

Vino en VerdeRyan Waguespack7pm

Fri 4.12Dirty’s Bar & Q

Paul Rogers & Chris King8pm

The Happy CowKim Meeks & Her Bad Habits8pm

Oma Gruene’s Secret GartenThe Chubby Knuckle Choir6pm

Phoenix SaloonJames Pardo5pmZoe Muth & The Lost High Rollers9pm

The Pour HausPaul Eldridge & Friends8pm

Riley’s TavernDry River Religion9pm

Adobe VerdeTBA8pm


Billy’s Ice HouseThe Damn Quailsw/ Horseshoes & Hand Grenades8pm, $10 21+, $15 Minors

Black & Tan PubT-Bone & the Bluetones9pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseTessy Lou & Shotgun Starsw/ Halleyanna & Tenn Volunteers9pm

Gruene HallDale Watson8pm, $10

River Road Ice HouseQuaker City Night Hawksw/ Backwater Blvd8pm

Tavern in the GrueneThe Washers8pm

Texas Music TheaterTravis Tritt7:30pm, $35-$140

Triple CrownWasted Youth6pmgo to stereo, Antiques, Sp_aces10pm, $5

Uptown Piano BarBarry Adams8pm

Vino en VerdeJon Magill8pm

Sat 4.13Black Whale Pub

TBA9pm

Dirty’s Bar & QFarm Boys9pm

The Happy CowJumboFunk8pm

Oma Gruene’s Secret GartenSmokehouse Blues1pmPepper’s Blues6pm

Phoenix SaloonDry River Religionw/ Blue Water Highway Band9pm

The Pour HausWhiskey Rodeo8pm

Riley’s TavernDanger*Cakes9pm

Adobe VerdeTBA8pm


Black & Tan PubTrack Masters Event9pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseMike & the Moonpies9pm

Gruene HallJeff Strahan Band1pmThe Derailers9pm, $12

River Road Ice HouseAaron Stephensw/ Backwater Blvd9pm

Tavern in the GrueneTBA9pm

Triple CrownThe Hill Country Gentlemen, The Madisons,The Shady Rest Band, Victor Holk9pm, $5

Uptown Piano BarJohn Maclean8pm

Vino en VerdeJackson Parten9pm

Sun 4.14Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten

The Blues Buzzards2pm

Phoenix SaloonEthan Ford2pmTBA7pm

The Pour HausThe Groovehounds2:30pmLarry Martin Sweeney & Friends6pm

Billy’s Ice HouseMark McKinney8pm

Geronimo VFW 8456Sunday DanceBobby Jordan & the Ridgecreek BandFood @ 2, Music @ 3

Gruene HallBret Graham12:30pmTish Hinojosa & Friends5pm

River Road Ice HouseChris King8pm

CITIZEN SOUNDCHECK


CITIZEN SOUNDCHECKTavern in the Gruene

Jonathan Moody8pm

Vineyard at GrueneJordan Minor3pm

Mon 4.15The Pour Haus

Bryan Boyce & Paul Rogers7pm

Riley’s TavernSongwriter Showcasew/ John Whipple

Billy’s Ice HouseDeWayne Davis8pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseGrant Ewing & Colin Colby9pm

Gruene HallThom Shepherd & Coley McCabe6pm

River Road Ice HouseEmpty Handed Vagabonds8pm

Tavern in the Gruene60 Cycle Hum8pm Triple Crowneverydays a hollyday 6pmChief & TheDoomsdayDevice9pm

Tues 4.16The Happy Cow

Open Jamw/ Uncle Daddy8pm

The Pour HausOpen Mic w/ Jon Magill8pm

Riley’s TavernSteven Roloff9pm

Watering Hole SaloonTBA8:30pm

Billy’s Ice HouseBrian Kalinec8:00pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseBrett Hauser & Will Arrington9pm

Gruene HallTom Gillam, Gordy Quist, Kevin Higgins6pm

Tavern in the GrueneRoots & Branches of Americana7pmThe Blooms9:30pm

Triple CrownDavid Harris6pmAaron Stephens, Grizzly Birds, For Elise9pm, $3

Wed 4.17Buffalo Wings & Rings

Steven Roloff & Friends7:30pm

Riley’s TavernMichael Fletcher9pm

Watering Hole SaloonAllan Goodman8:30pm

Billy’s Ice HouseKyle Reed Band8pm

Cheatham Street WarehouseKent Finlay’s Songwriters Circle9pm

Gruene HallBill Kirchen & Too Much Fun6pm

River Road Ice HouseJeremy Steding8pm

Tavern in the GrueneTom Gillam Band8pm

Triple CrownDaniel Thomas Phipps6pmColin Colby, Pake Rossi9pm

Uptown Piano BarJohn Maclean8pm

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Located in the heart of downtown New Braunfels, the Historic Faust Hotel & Brewing Company is a one-stop destination offering a variety of House Brews, Full Bar and Tapas-Style Menu, and Redesigned Guestrooms, Suites, and Event Center, which feature 1920’s Art Deco design while incorporating modern amenities.

Find us240 South Seguin Ave. | Downtown New Braunfels

(830) 625-7791 | www.FaustBrewing.com

Open at 4pm Mon-Thurs & 12pm Fri-Sun

JOIN US FOR Trivia Night Every Thursday

HOME TO FOUR AWARD WINNING BREWS!OktoberFaustVinny’s ESBAltered States Mike Crowe IPA

Fri 4.12Antone’s

The Scabs

w/ Leopold & His Fiction,

Black Pistol Fire

8pm, $18-$150

The Continental ClubClub Lineup:

The Blues Specialists, 6pm

Igor & the Red Elvises

w/ Ruby Dee & the Snakehandlers

10pm

Gallery Lineup:

The Robert Kraft Trio, 8:30pm

The Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30pm, $5

Cowboy’s DancehallWade Bowen

8pm, $10 21+, $20 18-20

Floore’s Country StorePaul Thorn

w/ Lincoln Durham

8pm, $20

Hooligan’s Bar & GrillBand of Bandits

8pm

Red Eyed FlyBlasted Engines, The Swamp Bats

10pm, Inside

Jon Yadon Band

w/ Small Towns, Superette,

Resisting Vegas, Stampede Mesa

8:30pm, Outside

Sam’s Burger JointAly Tadros, Little Brave

8pm, $10

Stetson BarChris Saucedo & NAO

9:30pm

Thirsty Horse SaloonDave Jorgenson

8pm

Sat 4.13

Antone’sGramatik

w/ Cherub, Herobust

10pm, $17-$20

The Continental ClubClub Lineup:

Redd Volkaert, 3:30pm

Tameca Jones

w/ Roxy Roca

10pm

Gallery Lineup:

Scarlett Olson, 8:30pm

The Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30, $5

Floore’s Country StoreBob Schneider

w/ Brian Keane

8pm, $20

Hooligan’s Bar & GrillUs & Them (Pink Floyd Tribute)

Music, Video & Light Show

8pm, $7

Red Eyed FlyD.R.O.I.D.

w/ Hustle Hard Mob, Go Go Beats, K-Love

9pm, Outside

Sam’s Burger JointSam’s Fiesta Americana Music Jam

Reckless Kelly, The Departed

w/ Jonathan Tyler & the Northern Lights,

The Trishas, Sons of Bill, Tom Gillam, Jonny

Burke,

Stewart Mann & the Statesboro Revue

1pm, $25

Stetson BarShawn Allen & the ‘Bout Time Band

9:30pm

Thirsty Horse SaloonJay Eric Band

8pm

SOUND TOWNOUTOF


Uncle K. Esel is a lifetime resident of our fair city, and is well known for his sage advice on a wide range of topics. If you find yourself perplexed with no one to turn to, send your question to Uncle Esel at: [email protected]. Be sure to write “Question for Uncle Esel” in the subject line of your email.

Dear Uncle Esel,Do you think we could ever bring

dinosaurs back like in Jurassic Park?Yours, William

Dear Willie,Unlike the pure fantasy of bringing back

DNA from an insect filled with Bronto blood that is millions of years old, the more likely scenario would involve selective breeding and DNA manipulation of existing species to essentially de-evolve modern species. At best, we may see some animal that we feel resembles what a dinosaur would look like and act like, but in reality it would be a roll of the dice with no way of being sure. You know, dinosaurs do still exist, they’ve just retired, bought a house on the river, and go around yelling at kids to get off their lawn....you old dinosaur.

Love, K

Hey Uncle Esel,I been watching that reality TV show

about people prepping for the end of civilization. Do you think they are nuts or are they smart for doing what they’re doing? What do you think is the most likely scenario?

Sincerely, Cletus

Dear Cletus,Thanks for writing again. I’d have to say

that the most likely scenario would be they spend a boat load of money and lose large parts of their lives as well as all the rational friends they had. In all honesty though, this Esel has expressed concerns about zombies, but after reading the book, One Second After by William Forstchen, I am most concerned with some terrorist plot involving electromagnetic pulse or EMP. The degradation of society and the death of so many would be awful to have to live through. For me personally though, the most likely scenario is I just want to live fully and get rich before any of this comes, so I have embarked on creating something like a Hollywood-style map to the stars homes. I have already located one of those doomsday preppers, and when I find the rest, I will make a map showing the addresses of all their homes. The map will cost a mere $2,000. With it you will be able to find them and take their supplies if the apocalypse ever comes.

Love, K

Uncle Esel,My partner and I have many

discussions on political influence around here and in Washington with our regular bartender, Scooter. Do you believe that most politicians are easily

swayed by lobbyists and influence peddlers who wine them, dine them and provide (ahemmm) entertainment?

Yours Truly,Moe/Billy T./Scooter

Boys, In recent years, nearly half of the people

leaving Congress have registered as lobbyist. Many have gone back to Washington, (or elsewhere), to influence their former peers in issues involving oil, medical insurance, the legal profession and darn near anything else you can dream up. Salaries in the millions are not unexpected and frequently the gigs can last for years for these former senators and representatives. Some argue that lobbyists serve a valuable need by providing knowledge to law makers that helps them make decisions. Of course, what lobbyist would ever sell any shortcomings of those lining their pockets? Another distinction is that one can hide behind a non-profit and then call their actions advocacy. And yet another area of concern identified is when a wife or husband of a active legislator serves as a lobbyist. Of course everyone knows that spouses never talk about sensitive information or share their feelings on issues with their significant others. In the end, influence pedaling continues unabated, and the only time you hear rants against it by the law makers is when they lose, but come Monday morning, it’s off to a $260 steak dinner, a little wine and then some entertainment of their flavor, (yes, yes, we know all about the wide stance), and all is well again.

Love, K

Uncle Esel,I have problems with vandals coming

onto my property and damaging my stuff and ripping off my lovely crop of rutabagas and carrots. What would you suggest is the key to control such problems?

PO’ed Gardener

Dear Green Thumb,I believe your key controls should be

breath control and trigger control. Make sure to mix in sight-control and grip-control to get your best groupings. Of course, load and muzzle-flip play important rolls in a follow up.

Love, K

ADVICE FROM

UNCLE ESELHair & HeartsHair & Hearts2nd Annual

Blues FeStivalPresented by: The New Braunfels Blues Society, Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten, and Blinders Hair Salon

Saturday, April 20, 2013at Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten!

1263 Gruene Road

BBQ & Bands begin at 1pm

Saturday, April 20, 2013at Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten!

1263 Gruene Road

BBQ & Bands begin at 1pm

Music by:The Monty “Guitar” Tyler BandCharlie and the Cool CatsAdam JohnsonBlues Buzzards

Donating hair ?Blinders Hair Salonwill be on hand toharvest your donations!

BENEFITTING

The Pink Heart Funds is a group of dedicated volunteers who support and enhance the lives of those affected by cancer and other conditions.

If you would like to help, call Tracy at 830.625.1045www.OMALOVESYOU.com

Currently AcceptingCash donationsSilent Auction & Raffle Items


MOST WANTED

$200REWARD

COMAL COUNTY ’S

SANDERSON,NICKELAS CROSSMale • 6’02” • 200 lbsDOB: 01/09/1989CHARGE: Motion to revoke fortheft of property over $1500 under $20,000

CASTILLO,LONNA PASKAFemale • 5’01” • 135 lbsDOB: 05/22/1971CHARGE: Motion to revoke for driving while intoxicated

EDGE,AMANDA LYNNFemale • 5’00” • 110 lbsDOB: 10/05/1988CHARGE: Endangering a child

CLARK,CARL ANDREWMale • 6’01” • 202 lbsDOB: 08/27/1973CHARGE: Failure to appear for credit card or debit card abuse

ARTEAGA,LETICIA LUNAFemale • 5’02” • 130 lbsDOB: 01/05/1977CHARGE: Failure to appear for tampering with a government record and bail jumping/ failure to appear

VASQUEZ-PATINO, GABRIELL

Male • 5’10” • 210 lbsDOB: 02/24/1982CHARGE: Driving

while intoxicated with two or more previous

convictions for the same type of offense

HERNANDEZ,RUBEN JR

Male • 5’09” • 189 lbsDOB: 05/05/1969

CHARGE: Motion to revoke for theft of

property over $1500 under $20,000

REVOLTA,JESSIE ROLANDO

Male • 5’09” • 185 lbsDOB: 11/14/1984CHARGE: Motion

to proceed with adjudication for assault

public servant

TAYLOR, ANDREW MARTIN

Male • 5’10” • 190 lbsDOB: 10/18/1960

CHARGE: Theft of property over $20,000 under

$100,000 by check

CERVANTES,JAMIE JR

Male • 6’03” • 230 lbsDOB: 10/27/1990

CHARGE: Bail jumping/ Failure

to appear

The names listed have been released in accordance with the Texas Public Information Act Code 552.001 st.seq.annotated Public Record and Information disclosure statues. This is a true and accurate account as of Monday, April 08, 2013 at 9:10 am and may not be current by the time it is read. Do not try to apprehend anyone. For anonymous tips and rewards, please contact Crime Stoppers at: 24-Hour Phone number 830.620.3400; Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm 830.620.3411. These are listings of criminal warrants with the Sheriff’s Office and are not indicative of guilt or innocence. Officers are to verify the status of each warrant prior to making an arrest. Any person is innocent of wrongdoing unless proven guilty in a court of law.

FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARREST OF COMAL COUNTY’S MOST WANTED. Callers will remain anonymous. 830.620.3400 - 24-Hour830.620.3411 - Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm

-ARREST

ED-

-ARREST

ED-

-ARREST

ED-

-RECALLED

-

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: We’re in state testing

this week at the high school I teach

at. After the students finish a section,

they can only sit and read or just sit. I

did an experiment: I chose the cholo-

est, tatted, pierced, non-reader and

dropped your book on their desk.

Students that never read, read for 45

minutes straight.

They were seeing words that they

use every day in print for the first time.

They had as much fun with the glossary

as with the questions. They were

sharing, laughing, discussing what they

read. Then I set the hook: “We’ll be using

that book in my Chicano Studies class.”

Best recruiting tool ever. That’s my

personal copy, and it’s getting beat up.

I’ll be ordering more for the classroom.

Thanks again: you have made my job

much easier.

Maestro Man

Dear Gabacho: It’s stories like yours

that make writing this column worth all

the hate mail. The próxima question, on the

other hand…

I’m a 23-year-old Mexican girl on my

second year at a Cal State University and

also work part-time at a hospital. I’m

dating a white boy who is 25 and works a

minimum wage job and graduated with

a GED. We have been dating for over a

year now, but when we were about six

months into the relationship we decided

to move out.

Due to our financial difficulties, we

had to move back in with our parents.

Now, my traditional father is almost

forcing us to get married since we have

lived together, or dump him and find

someone else who is doing better for

himself. It’s so bad that now my white

boyfriend does not feel comfortable

coming over. How do I confront my

Mexican father about us not living in

Mexico and times have changed, and

what do I tell my white boyfriend?

A Confused and Sad Mexican Girl

Dear Wabette: While I’m all for new

traditions and the exiling of rancho mores

to the rancho, don’t discount your father’s

partial common sense. Primeramente, you’re

WAY too young to be settling down with one

guy right now—Dios mío, you haven’t even

finished college!

And while I’m not going to hate on folks

who earned only a GED, a gabacho who

wasn’t able to graduate high school when he

was supposed to is like a Mexican man who

was only able to eat 10 tacos at the last family

carne asada Sunday—a disgrace to the raza,

and not much of an hombre. Not only that, if

your dad really was old escuela, he would’ve

accepted the two of you moving out in the

first place AND he’d have problems with you

going to college, period!

So pay attention to your papi saying to

look for someone else, but do tell him that the

days of a woman having to marry the first

man that bedded her went the way of the

tequila bottle at my friend Gaby’s wedding.

Finally, refry your humble Mexican’s advice,

chula: there are many flavors of chorizo in

the market, so why buy the first one you see

instead of tasting all of them? And finish

your education and find yourself a career

before getting a novio—the future you’re

saving is your own.

Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.

com/askamexicano!

ASK A MEXICAN!

!

TXCITIZEN.COM 13

Acme IPA

More often than not, I consider an unknown

India Pale Ale with a sideways glance. I mean,

don’t get me wrong, I like hoppy beer as much

as the next guy. It’s just that I feel there is a line

that many breweries cross when making their

hop-bombs. It’s a delicate balance between

a strong, characteristic hop flavor and just

shoving your face into a big ol’ bucket of hop

resin. However, when a beer can retain its

drinkability while remaining as hoppy as the

Waster Bunny, that’s when you have a good

IPA. In searching for such a beer, I looked

towards North Coast Brewing Co., makers of

some well-knowns like Old Rasputin Stout and

Brother Thelonious Abbey Ale.

I was immediately drawn in by the 40s

pinup girl on the bottle and the sometimes-

reputable name ACME, hoping that a beer

bearing that name would be better than a pair

of rocket skates or giant slingshot. The 6.9%

ABV wasn’t too shabby either. I was eager to

try this one out, so I decided to make a night

of it and pair it with dinner. The website was

a little vague on what went into the beer, other

than a whole pound of fresh hops per barrel,

but they did have a food pairing suggestion.

Fish tacos with citrus salsa and cabbage slaw

was the inspiration, but the end product was

this tasty little spinach salad with blackened

catfish and a mango-lime salsa. Hungry yet?

The beer is a hazy and light orange,

with a nice fluffy white head. The nose was

predictably hoppy, with a bit of citrus and a

nice airy yeast scent. I also caught a bit of

a funk, but I am unsure if the culprit is simply

age. No date-stamp on the bottle, a handy

thing when choosing an IPA. Wasn’t very

permeating, or even unpleasant. The first taste

was straight up pine. It’s not much to get past

though, and I didn’t go into an IPA and expect it

not to be hop-forward. Upon closer inspection,

the hops are balanced with a very enjoyable

floral malt and some fruity flavors. The feel is

very dry and refreshing, not too bubbly, and

doesn’t leave that bitter, mouth-coating tang

that some IPAs impart. Additionally, the food

pairing was spot on. The bold hops were a

good counter to the subtle catfish and mango

salad, but didn’t overpower it.

It looks like North Coast has maintained

its track record with me. This may not be up to

snuff with the most hardcore of hop-addicts, but

it more than satisfies my requirements. It’s got a

good level of complexity, character, and is very

drinkable. I’ll be putting this particular beer into

my (admittedly thin) Rolodex of favorite IPAs.

THE

WITH MITCHELL WILBURN

Mitchell Wilburn is our resident bon vivant and arbiter of all things barley. Send your beer questions to him at [email protected].

BEST OF THE

WURST 2013

CO-CHAMP!

BEST BARWINNER!BEST MAKE OUT SPOT: BASEMENT BAR

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VOTED BEST BURGERS IN TOWN!

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NEWRESTAURANT HOURS!

TUESDAY - THURSDAY 11a - 9pFRIDAY 11a - 10p

SATURDAY 8a - 10pSUNDAY 8a - 3p

Bar is open til midnightFriday & Saturday

OPEN MIC W/ FALLON FRANKLINEVERY TUESDAY @ 6

KARAOKE EVERY FRIDAY @ 8

PRICKLY PEAR LOUNGE

As always, we urge you to DRINK RESPONSIBLY

WED APRIL 10Free Darts & Free Pool

THU APRIL 11Ladies Night & Karaoke w/Johnny V

FRI APRIL 12Party with DJ KC & the Pear Crowd

SAT APRIL 13Kool Karaoke w/Johnny V!

SUN APRIL 14Bock to Bloody Marys

MON APRIL 15Monday Monday!

It’s All You Hoped It Would Be!

TUES APRIL 16 TRIVIA NIGHT! With DJ KC

Free Darts and Pool 1051 N. IH-35 | 830-625-8017

FLASH!NON SMOKING SECTION

OPEN THURS APRIL 18 5-10 PM

PRICKLY PEAR LOUNGE

As always, we urge you to DRINK RESPONSIBLY

LOBBY LOUNGE by Prickly Pear

Relax & ‘Rewind’ withMuzak’s Soft Rock • Free WiFi • SofasEasy Chairs • Flat Screen TV • More

MON-FRI 5 PM – 10 PM

A PLEASANT ENVIRONMENT FOR OUR NON-SMOKING

FRIENDSRamada Hotel

1051 N. IH-35 | 830-625-8017

DATE

CHANGE!GUEST

RECEPTIONPublic Invited!

Thursday, April 18, 20135 pm – 9 pm

Complimentary hors d’oeuvres

14 TX CITIZEN 14 AD SALES 830.483.9563 TXCITIZEN.COM 15

BLACK WHALE PUB

Specializing in Belgian Beers

100 Import Beers24 Beers on Tap

Live EntertainmentFull Bar

Pool Tables ◊ Darts

367 Main Plaza830-625-6605

NEW!Smoke free lounge upstairs!

BEST OF THE

WURST 2013

CO-CHAMPION BEST BAR!

HAPPY COWB A R & G R I L L

9103 FM 1102“San Braunfels” (Hunter, TX)

512.353.0030

Kitchen Hours:Tues-Fri

11:30am-10pmSat & Sun 2pm-10pm

Double Winner! 2013 TX Citizen Readers Poll!

The Udder Place in Hunter, TX

NEVERA COVER!

BEST

BARTEN

DER:

Jannah!

BEST

BARTEN

DER:

Jannah!

Double Winner! 2013 TX Citizen Readers Poll!

BEST BURGER!BEST BURGER!

BEST OF THE

WURST 2013

BEST OF THE

WURST 2013

INGESTIONBest Burger: The Happy CowBest Coffee: The Gruene Grind Co�ee CompanyBest Breakfast Tacos: El NopalitoBest Mexican: Adobe CaféBest Pizza: TIE! Bosses Pizza/New York Pizza PubBest BBQ: Granzin BBQ

PEOPLE & PLACESBest Bar: TIE! The Black Whale Pub/Phoenix SaloonBest Bartender: Jannah at The Happy CowBest Live Music Venue: Oma Gruene’s Secret GartenBest Sports Bar: Bu�alo Wings and RingsBest Place to Dance: Phoenix SaloonBest Make-Out Spot: Phoenix Saloon’s Basement BarBest Biergarten: Oma Gruene’s Secret GartenBest Local Band: 3 Man FrontBest Local Solo Act: Lucas TaylorFavorite Dead New Braunfelser: F.J. Lindheimer

DIVERSIONSBest Trivia Night: Faust Brewing CompanyBest Karaoke: Freiheit Country StoreBest DJ: DJ KCBest Local Event that Ends in “Fest”: Wurstfest

INDUSTRYBest Tattoo Studio: Body ExpressionsBest Tourist Attraction: SchlitterbahnBest Local Newspaper: TX Citizen (Herald-Zeitung disquali�ed for being

Houston-owned.)

CIVICSTop Local Political Fiasco of 2012: The Disposable Container Ban on Local Rivers.

2012’s Most Questionable Expenditure of Public Money: The exorbitant costs associated with the cleanup of banned, and therefore non-existent, disposable containers from local rivers.

Local Road Most Likely to Trigger an Auto Insurance Claim: Seguin Avenue, near the underpass.

Most Horrible Local Politician Currently Holding Of�ce: Mayor Gale Pospisil

Least Horrible Local Politician Currently Holding Of�ce: Kevin Webb

Best Non-Of�ce Holding Public Figure: Devil-May-Care Gun Owner/ Former Mayor Stoney Williams

Most Horrible Non-Of�ce Holding Citizen: Can-Ban Architect/Former Mayor Pro-Tem Kathleen Krueger

BEST OF THE

WURST 2013

CONGRATS!

WINNERS!

FREE Country Dance LessonsApril’s Lesson ~

Salsa!Fridays @ 7:30

Followed by COUNTRY DJ DANCE

Live Music Tues & Weds @ 8:30pm

Join us for our

Karaoke ContestThursdays @ 9pm

Check out Happy Hour!11am-7pm Monday - Saturday

ALL Day Sunday

1390 McQueeney Rd, New Braunfels830-625-0045 or wateringholesaloon.comBecome a friend @ facebook.com/theholenb

Est. 1986

HWY 46, 2 MILES PAST CLEAR SPRINGS

GIT CHA SUM

Parties/[email protected]

830-379-8883

GIT CHA SUMLip Smackin', Finger Lickin', Award Winnin' South Texas

BBQ and a Cold Beer!

Thursday APRIL 11Steven Roloff & Alan Goodman

8pm-12am

Friday APRIL 12Paul Rogers & Chris King

8pm-12am

Saturday APRIL 13Farm Boys 9pm-1am

"Where Texans Eat Dirty Good!"

Lip Smackin', Finger Lickin', Award Winnin' South Texas

BBQ and a Cold Beer!

Thursday APRIL 11Steven Roloff & Alan Goodman

8pm-12am

Friday APRIL 12Paul Rogers & Chris King

8pm-12am

Saturday APRIL 13Farm Boys 9pm-1am

"Where Texans Eat Dirty Good!"

TXCITIZEN.COM 15

Last WordWith Kelly Colby

No Maher, please. We’re libertarian. I always regret responding to Bill Maher’s comments on libertarianism, but I can’t seem to help myself. It’s the commentary equivalent of that extra spicy Vindaloo curry you order from the Indian place that shares their building with a gas station. You know it’s wrong, (it’s not even safe), and that you’ll be sorry later, but you just can stop yourself from walking through the door and ordering.

Maher is an idiot. That really should be enough to say. He’s been an idiot for years now, and the fact that he sees himself moving further and further from libertarianism is good for everyone concerned. This is one move that I would have gladly volunteered to help with. Let me be the first to say to Maher: “Good luck and good riddance. Try not to let the screen door hit you in the butt on the way out.”

Unfortunately Maher said a few things on his way out, and by way of throwing a frying pan at his head as he leaves, I feel compelled to respond. (God help me.)

Maher began by pointing out where he had an affinity for libertarian thought. He explained that he “expressed support for libertarianism because back then it meant that [he] didn’t want big government in [his] bedroom or the medicine chest or especially in the second drawer of the bed stand on the left side of [his] bed.” It comes as no surprise to me that these were his reasons.

I have met no shortage of libertarians in my life of equally shallow commitment and

understanding. It’s this type of support that kept the Libertarian Party from being anything more than a joke through most of the ‘70s and ‘80s. If the extent of your support for freedom is hookers, dope and porn, I’d just as soon have you vote with someone else.

He complained that the party “morphed into this creepy obsession with free market capitalism based on an Ayn Rand novel called ‘Atlas Shrugged’.” Of course, there has been no change in the party or the philosophy. Free market capitalism has been the basis for libertarian beliefs with regards for economic freedom from its inception, and while many of us respect Rand and her philosophy, one can certainly make the case for liberty and limited government without even mentioning her. Perhaps if Maher had spent less of his life in a drug-induced stupor, he would have met a libertarian who cared about economics earlier.

Maher seems to feel that this turn is exemplified by politicians like Paul Ryan and Rand Paul. Both of these politicians are Republicans and not Libertarians. Though, they both could be said to have libertarian leanings, each would almost certainly have their differences with stringent libertarians as well, and the idea that either are anti-government anarchists, as Maher seems to imply, is laughable. Equally laughable is the idea that a foul-mouthed, narcissistic, womanizer should suggest that two major players in the Republican Party are somehow immature in their philosophic beliefs.

Maher’s concerns that stop lights and seatbelts are seen as assaults on freedom can’t have come from Ryan or Paul. Neither of them has ever commented on such trivial matters to the best of my knowledge. Instead, both have focused, almost laser-like, on economic issues. These might be legitimate chastisements if anyone serious were really railing about these issues, but even actual nuts, like myself, recognize that the country has significantly bigger fish to fry.

Maher touches on a legitimate point in his erratic flailing, though. While neither Ryan nor Paul is an ideological purist, there are a lot of them amongst libertarians in general. The fact that Maher appears to know as much about Ryan and Paul as he does about anything else doesn’t change the fact that libertarians can be too unyielding in their fervor. All too often libertarians sneer at half a loaf and end up with nothing as a result. The cynicism comes from being taken advantage of repeatedly by politicians claiming to support freedom who later turn out to be just as bad as their alternative, but it doesn’t excuse the shortsightedness.

Ryan and Paul are good examples of this in my mind. In both cases, libertarians have a right to be skeptical. Ryan seems to be much more of a typical conservative Republican, but both seem to balk on libertarianism when it comes to some social issues. It may be that these two will be a disappointment in the long run, but I think it would be a mistake for libertarians to turn their backs on them too soon. For the moment, Ryan and Paul are

foremost among the few in Washington who even pretend to support limited government. It’s worthwhile to pressure and rebuke politicians to force support for libertarian ideals, but it’s important to remember that if we want to see any progress, we have to assure our political allies that they can depend on our support.

Libertarianism has made significant inroads into popular thought, but it’s too soon to expect the Libertarian Party to seriously contend with either Republicans or Democrats on a national level. Finding and promoting liberty-minded candidates in both of the big two is the only option at the moment. Doing this carefully could make libertarians the only group in Washington capable of building consensus and moving an agenda forward. The process will almost certainly be a slow one, but it’s far better than going nowhere.

Even my great desire to see libertarianism gain influence, though, can’t make me want to work with Maher. He was a liability to the libertarian movement even when he thought he was part of it. And even though it is likely a waste of ink (or electrons) to comment on his foolishness, I will continue to feel compelled to mock his ignorance whenever he decides to enter the ring entirely out of his intellectual weight class.

And now, I’m feeling nauseous. I think I’ll go out for some Indian food. At least then I’ll have an excuse.

You can read more from Kelly Colby at yourfirstshrug.blogspot.com.

830.483.9563ADVERTISE. NOW.

SAFAR ISAFAR I

3rd Annual3rd Annual

Saturday, April 20, 2013THE CITY-WIDE DIGITAL SCAVENGER HUNT

BEGINS 12pm, AT THE TAVERN IN THE GRUENE!Sign in your 2-6 person team 11am-noon, for a shot at the $830 First Place, $337 Second Place,

and $100 Third Place prizes! Entry is $25 per person on the day of the event, or if you pre-register on our website GRUENELIONSCLUB.ORG before April 5th, entry will only be $20

and you’ll get event t-shirts and a super secret clue!!!

A portion of the proceeds will be donated to the New Braunfels Humane Society and Family Promise Organization. The Humane Society promotes the humane treatment of animals and to foster respect, understanding, and compassion for all creatures.

Family Promise Organization helps homeless and low-income families achieve sustainable independence.

Documents

TX Citizen 4.11.13