JOHN HENDEE

ADULT BABIES

WHAT KIND OF TANTRUMS ARE YOU

THROWING?

ADULTBABIES

WhatKindof

Tantrums

DoYouThrow?

Dedication

TimCoopHeisoneofthemostmaturepeopleI’vehadtheprivilegeofknowingand

workingwithinmylife.

HeisoneofthebestmodelsinmylifeofsomeonewhoismatureandwithoutanglaringlistofTEMPERTANTRUMbehaviors.

Actually,asonewhohasworkedfulltimewithhimasmybossinthepast,hislistissosmallthatIwouldbehardpressedtothinkofevenafew.

I’mguessinghisfamily(aswouldbetrueofallofus)mightcomeupwithafewmorethanIcan,butoneofthereasonshehasbeensolovedandrespectedwhereeverhehasgoneandworkedisduetohishonest,loving,kindand

straightforwardwayofdealingwithpeople;notmanipulative,controllingforselfinterest,demeaningothers,etc.

ThanksTimforbeingsuchagreatmodelofmaturityforsomanyofus.

INDEX

CHAPTERONE

IwassurfingchannelsonourTVoneday.IwasstoppedinmysurfingwhenIsawagrownmanstandinginfrontofakitchensinkwatchingawomanblendsomefoodinablender.

IFELLOFFMY‘SURF’BOARD.

Themanwasdressedinaonepiecebabypajamaoutfit.Hewasalargeman.Itlookedprettyweird.Ihadtowatchagainstmybetterjudgment.Thewomanfinishedblendingthefood.Themanthenwenttoagiant,white,adultsizebabychair.Hecrawledupintoit.Thewomanliftedthetablepartfromthebackanditcameupandoverhisheadandsettledinfrontofhim.Sheplacedthebowloffoodonit.Sheputabibonhim.Andshebegantofeedhim.

Iwasmesmerized.Mymouthwashangingopenandmystomachwasalittlenauseous.Iwaswaitingforthe‘punchline’asifitwasacomedyorsomething.Itdidn’tcome.Thiswasseriousbusiness.OntheonehandIwasalreadystartingtofeeldisgustandwantedtoquicklygetbackonmy‘board’andproceedwithmysurfing,butIhadtowatchmore.Itonlylastedabout5minutesinlength.Thatwaslongenough.

Itgotworse.Thenextsceneshowedhimsittinginanormalsizeplaypen.Hefilledit.Hewasplayingwithhistoys.Thenitwenttoshowinghimcrawlingintoahuge,whiteadultsizecrib.Theladypulledthesideup,hookedthelatchandgavethemanablankieandalargebabybottlewhichhebegantosuckon.Shetalkedgentlyandquietlytohim.

Iwasaboutreadytopukeatthatpoint.ButIhadtoseeitthrough.Iswallowedhardandkeptwatching.

Themanwasabout35.Hespokeafewtimesduringthe5minutevideo.Hesoundednormalandrationalontheonehand.HeexplainedthathewaspartofagroupofAdultBabies.Heandhis‘mother’hadawebsitewith1600members.

ItwasexplainedtheyliveonWelfare.

“I’mpayingforthis”Ithought?

Hemadethecommentthat“somepeopledrinkalcoholandotherstakedrugstodealwiththestressesoflife,butthisismywayofdealingwiththestressesoflife.”

AndIthought“Starttakingdrugs!Please!Itwouldbebetterthanthis!”

Itendedandputmeoutofmymisery.Iwentbacktomy‘surfing’buttheimageswereburntintomybrain.

Ithought,“Wow,therecan’tbeanyproudparentsinthissituation.”

“Yes,lookatwhatmysonhasachievedinlife.I’msoproudofhim.”No,notinthisscenario.

ItwasprettysadandIhavetosaydisgusting.

Butitgotmethinkingaboutthebehaviorofmanyyouthandadults.

Ittookmedownaninterestingpath.

Whilemostofusdon’t:

EATOURMEALSINAHIGHCHAIR,

PLAYINAPLAYPEN,

SLEEPINAGIANTCRIB,

PLAYWITHBABYTOYS,

SUCKONABABYBOTTLE,

HAVEA‘BLANKIE’,

ORWEARDIAPERSWHENWEDON’THAVETOO,

THEQUESTIONBECOMES

“CANWEASAYOUNGPERSONORANADULTDEMONSTRATEVERYIMMATUREBEHAVOIRTHATCANBEREVOLTINGANDDISCUSTING,SOMETHINGAPARENTCERTAINLYWOULDN’TBEPROUDOFSEEINGINANOFFSPRINGOFTHEIRS”?HUMMMM?

Istartedthinkingmoreaboutthis.ThisisthelineofthinkingIendeduppursuing.

Whatisthemostimportantthinginthelifeofababy?

Thinkaboutthatforasecond.

I’veaskedalotofpeoplethisquestionandIhavefoundthatthemostcommonresponseis“It’smother.”

AndmyresponsetothatisERRRRRR.Youarewrong.

Whatisthemostimportantthinginthelifeofababy?

Itself!

Nowthenextquestionis

WHATDOESABABYDOWHENITIS:

HUNGRY

WET

TIRED

THIRSTY

HURT

Orit

WANTSTOBEPUTDOWN

WANTSTOBEPICKEDUP

WANTSITS’TOY

WANTSITBLANKIE

Oh,yougotthatoneright.Itcries.

Andasitagesitaddsotheractionstoitslistbeyondcrying.Thechildcanbecomecreativeinablendof:

THROWING

KICKING

SCREAMING

HITTING

BITING

POOPING

SPITTING

HOLDINGITS’BREATHE

ANDCRYING.

ItstartsTHROWINGTANTRUMS…..

AndthenithitsthewellknownTERRIBLETWOS.

Thisbeautifullittleblessedpackagebecomesabundleofagonyandpainformanyparentswhothenstarthavingsecondthoughtsabouteverhavinggivenlifetothislittlemonster.

Butwhatishappeningduringtheterribletwos,whenalitanyofTANTRUMSseemstobecomeanormalpartofdailylifewiththislittleone?

Thechildstartsdiscoveringthattheyarelosingtheirplaceasthecenteroftheirparents’world.Theyarefindingoutthatthereareotherthingsthattaketheirmotherandfatherawayfromthem.

Thereareotherkidsinthefamily.

Therearejobstheparentsgooffto.

Thereisahousetomaintain.

Thereareoftenpetswhogetalotofattention.

Therearebills,andtaxesandhomeworkandallkindsofotherstressesinlife.

Thereisshoppingtodoanddoctorappointments.

Andthechilddoesn’tlikethelossofattention,sotheystartdoingthingsthatmostdefinitely‘getthemattention’.Butgettingattentiondoesn’twinthembackwhatisinevitablyslippingfromtheirlittlefingers.Infact,thewaytheyareactingactuallyspeedsuptheprocess.Theyarelessattractiveandthecutenessislost.

AttimesonecouldpityanonlychildwhocontinuestobetreatedasTHEmostimportantthinginthelifeoftheirparents.Theseunsuspectingparentsarehelpingcreateapotentialmonsterfortheirchild’sfuturemateiftheymarry.

CHAPTERTWO

WHATISTHEDIFFERENCEBETWEENABABYANDANADULT?

Otherthanbodysize.

ABABYIS:

Selfish

Selfcentered

Wantsandneedsdriven.

Anditcrieswhenitdoesn’tgetwhatitwantsoritisfeelingbad.Thatisits’mainwayofcommunicating.Itcan’ttalk!!!!!

Andallofthatiso.k.forababy.Itisnormal!

ANADULTISonewhois(orwewouldliketothinkso):

Giving

Unselfish

Helpful

Forgiving

Generous

Kind

Polite

Caring

Protective

Selfcontrolled

Disciplined

Hasintegrity

Respectful

Empathetic

Courteous

Thoughtful

Responsible

Wise

LOVING

Oratleastwewouldwanttoseeastrongcombinationofthesethings.

NOW.

Whenawhenababygrowsintoanadult,hecan’tkeepthrowingtantrumsthewayhedidasababy!Ifshedidshewouldfaceahard,hardlife.

Hereisatough,revealingquestion:Doyouthandadultsthrowtantrums?

Thinkaboutit.Wearegoingtopursuethisforawhile.

I’mafraidtheanswerisYES.

Wedon’talwaysseeourtantrumsastantrumsorasinfantile,but……I’mafraidtheyare.

Sowhilewemightnotcontinuetodressinbabypajamas,eatatahighchair,playinaplaypen,andsleepinacrib,itispossiblethatwhenourbodygrowswecancontinuewithanddevelopnewformsofimmatureandinfantilebehavioror

YOUTHANDADULTTANTRUMS.

Firstlet’saskthequestion,whydoYOUTHORADULTSTHROWTANTRUMS?

Itwilloftenwillhappenwhen:

THEYDON’TGETWHATTHEYWANT,or

THEYDON’TGETTHEIRWAY,or

THEYDON’TGETWHATTHEYTHINKTHEYDESERVEor

THEYDOGETWHATTHEY‘DESERVE’,BUTTHEYDON’TLIKEIT.

Makeyourlist;whatwouldsomeoftheseyouthoradulttantrumsbe?

***********

Nowtakealookatthislist:Howmanyfromyourlistareonthefollowinglist?Haveyoufoundsomenewones?

POUT

CRITICIZE

ACTNOTTY

BECOMESHARPINRESPONSES

CRY

BLAME

BEINGREBELLIOUSORDISOBEDIENT

SCREAM

ACCUSE

BECOMESARCASTIC

CALLNAMES

THROWTHINGS

HITOTHERS

PLAYTHEVICTIM

BECOMEMEAN

STOPTALKING

MANIPULATE

USEOTHERS

WALKOUT

HIT-HURT-BEATUP

RETALIATE

QUIT

DEMEANOTHERS

ACTCOLD

SEEKREVENGE

GOSSIPABOUTOTHERS

JUDGEOTHERS

THREATEN

ACTIRRESPONSABLY

IGNOREOTHERS

FAILINTENTIONALLYINSOMETHINGTHATWILLHURTTHEOTHER

BEUNCOOPERATIVE

DON’THELP

MOCKOTHERS

BEUNFAITHFULTOOTHERS

SLEEPONTHECOUCH

MAKETHEMSLEEPONTHECOUCH

CAUSEDAMAGE

INTNETIONALLYGETINTROUBLE

LIE

ROB-STEAL

DRINK-USEDRUGSNEGLECT

DEPRIVEOHTERSOFTHEIRRIGHTS

SWEAR

SWEARATOTHERS

BLACKMAIL

MAKEFACESATOTHERS

WHINE

COMPLAIN

BECOMEABUSIVE

SENDNASTYEMAILS

POSTNASTYTHINGONFACEBOOKABOUTOTHERS

INTNETIONALLYBE‘FORGETFUL’

SCAREOTHERS

ABANDONOTHERS

KILL

ACTORRECALLANILLNESS(OHMYHEART!!!!NOWLOOKWHATYOUDID.)

IGNORE,REJECTGOODADVICEORCOUNSELFROMOTHERS

AndthelistgoesONandON.

NOWAIN’TTHATREALLYMATURE?

Andtheresults?

DoesactinginthewaysLISTEDABOVEgetayouthoradultwhatTHEYreallywant?

WHATDOOURTAMTRUMSUSUALLYGETUSINRETURN?

Apositiveresponseoranegativeresponse?

HOWABOUTGOINGDOWNTHELONGLISTABOVEANDCHECKINGTHEONESYOUAREGUILTYOFUSINGATTIMES.

Arethereotheritemsyouhavecomeupwith?

Whodoyouusethemwith/on?

Howoften?

Doyouseehowitdamagesyourrelationships?

Doyoureallyliketheresultsitgetsyou?

Whatwouldbeingoractingintheoppositewaybeforeachcharacteristic?

Whatdoyouneedtochangeinyourlifeaspartofyourgrowingup?

Whenareyougoingtochange?

CHAPTERTHREE

WHATISTHEMOSTIMPORTANTTHINGINTHELIFEOFANADULTBABY?

Controlandpower!

Andtheywillusethatcontrolandpowertoget:

Whattheywant,

Thewaytheywantit,

Whentheywantit.

Andwhentheydon’tgetwhattheywant,howtheywantitorwhentheywantit,watchout.Youhavejustpulledtheplugontheir

TANTRUMGRENADE.Itisabouttogooff.

DOYOUSEETHECOMMONTHREAD?

AnAdultBabynevergrewbeyondtheneedtobethecenterofattention,tohaveeveryonerunningaroundtomeettheirneeds.Theydidn’tlearnhowtogive,tobeconcernedabouttheneedsofothers.

Whileitisnotbadtobeconcernedaboutones’legitimateneeds,itissadwhenoneneverlearnsthattheworlddoesnotrevolvearoundthem,andtheydon’tlearneffectivewaystoseektohavethoseneedsmet.

GrowingintoadeepcycleofmorepowerfulandcontrollingTantrumsisnottheanswertoagoodlife.

“Itismoreblessedandmaturetogivethantoreceive,“seemslikeaprettyabsurdstatementtoaYouthorAdultBaby.

ADULTANDYOUTHBABIES:

USEPEOPLE.

MANIPULATEPEOPLE.

CONTROLPEOPLETHROUGHNEGATIVITY,BLAME,SELFJUSTIFCATION,SCKOLDING,PLAYINGTHEVICTIM,HURT,FEARANDTHREATS:Tantrums.

Intheirthinkingothersexisttomeettheirneeds.

Theydon’texisttomeetothersneeds.

Itis‘theirway’or‘noway.’

LITTLEBABIESDON’TSEEANYPROBLEMWITHTHEWAYTHEAREACTING.

Itisnormalforthem.

Itisthesamewithadultbabiestoo.

Theydon’t’seeit.

Theydon’tgetit.

Everyoneelsehasaproblem,notthem.

Theirbehaviorseemsprettynormaltothemanditisinonesense.

Theyhaveprobablybeendoingitmostoftheirlife.!!!!

Butthatdoesn’tmakethemamatureadult.

Andyouthandadultbabiesmostoftendon’tseeanyproblemwiththewaytheyareactingorliving.Butwhatisnormalforaoneyearoldbabyshouldnotbethenormforayouthoradult.

The‘otherpeople’aretheproblemintheirmind.

“Thereisnothingwrongwithme!It’sthem!”

InAlcoholicsAnonymoustheytalkabout“THEELEPHANTINTHEROOM.”

Doyouknowwhatthatmeans?

Itreferstoasituationwherethereisanalcoholic(oraddictofsomekind)inthehouse.Everyoneelseseesit.Theaddictisindenialorchoosingtocontinuewiththeirlifestyleinspiteofthefactthatitisdamagingthemandallthepeopletheylivewith.Soeveryonejustsortoflearnstolivewiththealcoholic,tryingtomakethebestofit,quietlyormaybenotsoquietlysuffering.Thealcoholiccontrolswhatisgoingon.Theydon’tseethedamage,ortheydon’tcare.Othershavetriedbringingitupbutenduppayingahugepriceforevenmentioningit.Itislikehavinganelephantinthelivingroombutwecan’ttalkaboutit.Itisreallyawkward,weirdanduncomfortablebutwhatcanyoudo?

AndSTUFFkeepspilingupandgettingdeeperallthetime.Anditstinks!

COULDTHEREBEABABYINTHEROOMTHATALLSEEBUTYOU????

ThinkaboutthisstatementofJohnPowel:

EVERYOBNOXIOUSQUALITY

(whichincludesthrowingatantrum.)

INANOTHERHUMANBEINGISACRYOFPAINANDPLEAFORLOVE.

Andaren’tweallobnoxiousattimes!

Ifachild/persondoesn’tgetthegenuinelovetheyneedanddeservetheywilloftensettleforgettingattention.Attentionisapoorsubstituteforlove.ATTENTIONcaneasilybegottenthroughthrowingatantrum.

HowdoesitaffectuswhenothersinourlifeuseTANTRUMSwithoragainstus?Howdoesitmakeusfeelorreact?*******Whensomeoneusesadulttantrumstogetwhattheywant,ortogettheirway,theiractionswilloftenbe:

DEMORALIZING

DEFEATING

DEBILITATING

DIVIDING

DISTANCING

DISTRESSING

DEMEANING

DISCOURAGING

DESTROYING

DETACHINGor

DAMAGINGothersandtheirrelationshipswiththem.

DOPEOPLELIKEBEINGAROUNDADULTBABIES????

OOOOHHH,NO!

“Somethingsmells!Theyneedtobe‘changed.”

SOMETIMESOTHERSWILLTOLERATETHEADULTBABIESBEHAVIORBECAUSE…

Itmightseemtobethepriceyouhavetopaytokeepthefamilytogetherorkeepyourjob,ornotbeabandonedormadetosufferevenworstthings.

Itmightbethepricetopayforbeingincludedoracceptedintosomesocial,economic,political,orreligiousgroup.

Oftenthealternativechoicesinstandinguptoandaddressthetantrumsseemtoocostly.

Thevictimsdon’tknowhowtodealwithit.

Theyfeeltrappedbyfear.

Itmayevenseemo.k.or‘admirable’tothem.

Isupposeattimesanyofuscaneitherbethe‘tantrumthrower’orthevictimofotherstantrums.

Butitisgoodforallofustodosomeselfexamination.

Nowisagoodtimetostart:

Oncemore,

HOWABOUTGOINGDOWNTHELISTANDCHECKINGTHEONESYOUAREGUILTYOFUSINGorthrowing.

Whodoyouusethemwith/on?

Howoften?

Areothersafraidtotalktoyouaboutyourtantrumsforfearofevenmoreexcessivetantrumsonyourpart?

Doyouseehowyourtantrumsdamageyourrelationships?

Whatistheoppositeofeachnegativetantrumyouthrow?Whatwouldthatlooklike?Howwouldactingintheoppositewayimproveyourrelationships?

Doyouneedtosaysomethingtoothers?

Canyouseehowyourbehavior‘smells’toothers?

Areyouwillingtochange?

Areyougoingtochange?

Whenandhow?

HEREARESOMEBIBLEVERSESTHATPOINTOUTTHENEEDFOREXAMINATION:

¡ Psalm11:4TheLordisinhisholytemple;theLordisonhisheavenlythrone.Heobserveseveryoneonearth;hiseyesexaminethem.

¡ Psalm26:2Testme,Lord,andtryme,examinemyheartandmymind;

¡ Proverbs5:21ForyourwaysareinfullviewoftheLord,andheexaminesallyourpaths.

Areyouabletoidentifyanywaysyouactlikeanadultbaby?

Whatkindoftantrumsdoyou‘throw’?

Athome?

Atwork?

Atschool?

Atchurch?

Atclub?

Atteam?

Whatareyourmethodsoftryingtocontrolothersandgetyourway?

IFYOUASKEDYOURFAMILYIFYOUEVERACTEDLIKEANADULTBABYWHATWOULDTHEYSAY?

Orpeopleatwork?

Orpeopleatchurch?

Orpeopleinyourclub?

Orpeopleinyourpoliticalparty?

Orpeopleonyourteam,club

Orthoseinopposinggroups?

IfyougavethepeopleineachofthoseplacesthelistofYouthandAdultTantrumsandaskedthemtochecktheonesyouareguiltyofusing,whichone’swouldtheycheck?

LETS’THINKABOUTADULT‘SPIRITUAL’BABIES?

ISTHERESUCHATHING?

ICorinthians3:2“Ihadtofeedyouwithmilk,notwithsolidfood,becauseyouweren’treadyforanythingstronger.Andyoustillaren’tready.”

Hebrews5:12“Youhavebeenbelieverssolongnowthatyououghttobeteachingothers.InsteadyouneedsomeonetoteachyouagainthebasicthingsaboutGod’sword.Youarelikebabieswhoneedmilkandcannoteatsolidfood.”

Hebrews5:13“Forsomeonewholivesonmilkisstillaninfantanddoesn’tknowhowtodowhatisright.”

1Corinthians14:20“Dearbrothersandsisters,don’tbechildishinyourunderstandingofthesethings.Beinnocentasbabieswhenitcomestoevil,butbematureinunderstandingmattersofthiskind.”

Ohyes,therearespiritualbabies

Whichareyou?

Areyouatanursinglevelorareyoumature?

SomepeoplehavebeenChristiansformanyyearsbutarestillspiritualbabies.

WhatdoesGodlongtoseeinthelifeofoneofhischildren?

Maturity.

Christlikeness.

Someonewhois

fullofmercy,

fullofgrace,

andtreatsothersthesamewayGoddoes.

Someoneruledbylove.

Someonewhoisgrowingup….

2Corinthians13:9“Wearegladtoseemweakifithelpsshowthatyouareactuallystrong.Wepraythatyouwillbecomemature.”

Ephesians4:13“ThiswillcontinueuntilweallcometosuchunityinourfaithandknowledgeofGod’sSonthatwewillbematureintheLord,measuringuptothefullandcompletestandardofChrist.”

Philippians3:15“Letallwhoarespirituallymatureagreeonthesethings.Ifyoudisagreeonsomepoint,IbelieveGodwillmakeitplaintoyou.”

Hebrews5:14“Solidfoodisforthosewhoaremature,whothroughtraininghavetheskilltorecognizethedifferencebetweenrightandwrong.”

Hebrews6:1“SoletusstopgoingoverthebasicteachingsaboutChristagainandagain.Letusgooninsteadandbecomematureinourunderstanding.Surelywedon’tneedtostartagainwiththefundamentalimportanceofrepentingfromevildeedsandplacingourfaithinGod.”

1John2:13“IamwritingtoyouwhoarematureinthefaithbecauseyouknowChrist,whoexistedfromthebeginning.Iamwritingtoyouwhoareyounginthefaithbecauseyouhavewonyourbattlewiththeevilone.”

WHATDOESANADULTSPIRITUALBABYWANT?

Control,power,influence,andrecognition.

HOWDOESANADULTBABYTALKANDACTATCHURCH?

“I’mnotgettingfed.”

“Nooneisfriendlytome.”

“NooneappreciatesmeandallIdo.”

“I’mleaving.”

“I’mnothelpinganymore.”

“Iquit.”

“I’mtakingover!”

“YOUneedtoleave!”

“Iftheydon’t’doitmyway,I’lltakemytoysandgo.”

“Don’ttheyknowhowmuchmoney(ortime)Igive?”

“Idon’tlikethemusic,schedule,building,bulletin,youthpastors,etc.Iftheydon’tchangeit,I’mgoingelsewhere.”

WHENmightsomeofthesebelegitimate?

Whenmighttheseshowanimmatureattitude?

¡ Hebrews5:14“Butsolidfoodisforthemature,whobyconstantusehavetrainedthemselvestodistinguishgoodfromevil.”

Anadultbaby

¡ Canappearsuccessfulintheworldand/orthechurch.

¡ Theycanbeleadersinbusiness,politics,sports,clubs,families,churches,etc.

¡ Theytryandcontroleverythingthroughtantrums.

¡ AndwhenYOUdon’tdothingstheirway,watchout.

¡ Anger,rage,threats,blackmail,gossip,harshcriticism,complaining,negativity,causingdivisions,seekingfollowers,etc.Nowtheymightspecializeinoneortwotantrumsinsteadofhavingalonglistof10or20tantrumtechniques.

Andtheninthechurch….

HAVETHEMADDGODTOTHEIRSIDEOFTHEARGUMENT,(ESPECIALLYWITHBIBLEVERSES)ANDBROTHER,YOUBETTERWATCHOUT(ANDRUN).

BECAREFUL;ANADULTBABYHASTEETH…….

Galatians5:15NIV“Ifyoubiteanddevoureachother,watchoutoryouwillbedestroyedbyeachother.”

Anadult‘spiritualbaby’canbe

Dangerous

Fearful

Frightening

Powerful

Anabuser

Damaging

Controlling

Threatening

Criticizing

Manipulation

Blackmailing

Coercing

Namecalling

Runningdown

Notforgiving

Gossiping

Lying

Slandering

Judging

(Theyareobviouslyarrogantandinsecure!)

Althoughtheyseemstrong,maybeevenveryspiritual,thetruthistheyarenothingmorethanimmaturebabies,outofcontrol.

ItismostlikelyYOUwillneverbeabletochangethem.Justdon’tlivelikethem.GiveyourselfcompletelytoGodandHewillseeyouthroughit.BelikeJesus.

Ephesians6:29-32Donotletanyunwholesometalkcomeoutofyourmouths,butonlywhatishelpfulforbuildingothersupaccordingtotheirneeds,thatit

maybenefitthosewholisten.30AnddonotgrievetheHolySpiritofGod,withwhomyouweresealedforthedayofredemption.31Getridofallbitterness,rageandanger,brawlingandslander,alongwitheveryformofmalice.32Bekindandcompassionatetooneanother,forgivingeachother,justasinChristGodforgaveyou.

Romans14:19Letusthereforemakeeveryefforttodowhatleadstopeaceandtomutualedification.

Romans14:18-20MakeeveryefforttokeeptheunityoftheSpiritthroughthebondofpeace.

Hebrews4:10-12Makeeveryefforttoliveinpeacewitheveryoneandtobeholy;withoutholinessnoonewillseetheLord.

Romans12:18Ifitispossible,asfarasitdependsonyou,liveatpeacewitheveryone.

Unlessotherwisenoted,allScripturequotationsarefromtheNewInternationalVersionCopyright©1973,1978,1984byInternationalBibleSociety.

ONCEmore:

HOWABOUTGOINGDOWNTHELISTANDCHECKINGTHETANTRUMSYOUAREGUILTYOFUSING.

Whodoyouusethemwith/on?

Howoften?

Doyouseehowitdamagesyourrelationships?

Doyouneedtosaysomethingtoothers?

Whenareyougoingtochange?Nowisagoodtimetostart:

JESUSSAIDOFTHEPHARISEES….”Theyareexpertsatjustifyingtheireveryinconsistency.”

Soareadultbabies

YearsagoIreadaboutacounselorandatechniqueheusedwithmanyclients.

Heoftengavethosewhocameinfortheirfirstsessionaboutabadmarriagethefollowinghomeworkandthentoldthemtheyhadtodoitandreturnittotheofficeinordertobeabletohaveasecondappointment.Iftheydidn’tdothisparthewasn’twillingtoseethemagain.

Heexplainedthatwithoutdoingthisheprobablycouldn’thelpthemmuch.Nowthiswasn’ttosaythattheclientsmatedidn’thavesomerealissuestodealwithbuthehadlearnedthatifthiswasn’tdoneandunderstoodinmanycases,especiallywhenhewasn’tseeingthecoupletogether,hecouldn’tgetveryfarwiththesenewclients.

Heexplainedthattheirfirstassignmentwastofillinthetoprowofasimilarcharttotheonebelow,listingthesixmostseriousthingsthatirritated,upset,disturbedorangeredthemabouttheirmatesattitudesoractions.Hehadthemdothisduringthefirstsession.

Atthispointtheclientisthrilledandpleasedwiththeirdecisiontohavecometothiscounselor.Itdoesn’tlastlong.J

Mostofthetimetheyhadahardtimecuttingtheirlistdowntojustsix.“Thisisfun”theytoldthemselves.Theylikedthisguy.Thatwasabouttochange.

Thenthecounselorexplainedthataftertheyhadaccomplishedthispartoftheassignment,theyhadtolisteightpoororbadresponsesoftheirstoeachofthesixitemsatthetop.

Atthispointtheyweresuretheymisunderstoodwhatthecounselorsaid.“Wouldyourepeatthatplease?Idon’t’thinkIgotthatright.”

“No”thecounselorwouldsay.“Youunderstoodme.”Andherepeatedtheassignment.Thenheexplainedthesimpletruththattheclientwouldneverbeabletochangetheirmate.Period.Soforstartersalltheycanfocusonisthemselvesandtheirpoorattitudesandactions.Theyaretheonlyonetheycanchange.Doingthat,mightleadtotheirmatebeingmoreopentoseetheirbehaviorandthinkaboutchangingthemselves.Maybe.

IrritationsAnnoyingMaddening

1 2 3 4 5 6

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

ButallthatwasNOTwhattheclientcametothecounselor.Theycameforsupportandsympathy.Afterall,whataretheypayingfor?“Itismymatewhoneedschanging.Theyaretheproblem.”

Well,thereisnodoubtthattheotherneedstochangesomethingsbutfornowallthecounselorcandowiththispersonishelpthemidentifytheirpoorbehaviorandhelpthemchange….iftheyarewillingto.“So,dothehomeworkordon’tbothercomingforanothersession.”

AtsomepointinthefirstsessionthecounselorreadMatthew7:3,4withthem.“Whydoyoulookatthespeckofsawdustinyourbrother’seyeandpaynoattentiontotheplankinyourowneye?Howcanyousaytoyourbrother,‘Letmetakethespeckoutofyoureye,’whenallthetimethereisaplankinyourowneye?”

Withthatthestunnedclientwalksoutnotsuretheywanttodothehomework.Thisthingseemedtohavejustturnedsouthandwentsourforthem.

Theclientthenhasatoughdecisiontomake.Italldependsonwhethertheyarematureandwiseenoughtorealizetheyneedtoworkonthemselvesfornow.

ThecounselorbasedthisapproachonthestoryinLukeaboutonetryingpickaspeckoutofsomeoneelse’seyewhentheyhadaplankstickingoutoftheirs.Thatisacommonhumanproblem.Weseeeveryoneelse’sfaultsbutareslowtoseeoursorwearequicktotryandexplainaway,excuseordenyourshortcomings.“Afterall,myissuesarenothingcomparedtomymates!!!”

Well,thatapproachdoesn’thelpusinlifeverymuchanditisacommonstrategyofadultbabies.Sowecanalllearnfromthisexercise.Giveitatry.Putinthenameofyourmate,parent,child,boss,employeeorotherperson.Youmightwanttodowithanumberofdifferentpeopleyouliveorworkwith.

Again,thisisnottosayothersdon’thaveproblemstodealwith,buttheplacetostartinlifeiswithourselves.

Thechildcaughtinsomeinappropriateactionisquicktoyellout“Bobbydidit.”or“Bobbymademedoit.”But,but,but……

Solet’sdoapracticerun.Let’susethisexample.Let’ssayyourmate,friend,parent,orchildisalwayslateforthingsandgettingreadyforthingsanditdrivesyoucrazy.Sowewilllistthatatthetopofacolumn.ALWAYSLATE.

Nowwhatcouldbeeightbadresponsesofourstothat?Thisisnottosaytheydon’thaveaproblembeingpunctual.Theymaybehavingproblemswiththesamethingatworkorschooltoobutwearen’tgoingtofocusontheir‘speck’fornow.

8possiblepoorresponses/tantrumsorresponsesofourstosomeonewhoisalwayslate;theseareourpossibletantrum’srespondingtotheirissue.

(Itwaseasycomingupwith12.)

1.Yellatthemforbeinglate.(Tantrum)

2.Callthemnames.(Tantrum)“Irresponsible.Selfish.Inconsiderate.”

3.Don’tspeaktothemforalongtime.(Tantrum)Silentpunishment.

4.Scoldthem.(Tantrum)Whenareyouevergoingtolearn?Exasperation!Playthevictim.I’msufferingbecauseofyou.Poorme.

Horribilizetheir‘crime’.

5.Makemeanfacesatthem.(Tantrum)Nastylooks.Rollyoureyes.Huffandpuff.

6.Talktoothersaboutthem.(Tantrum)Gossipwithyourmomorwithpeopleatyourwork.

7.Makeabigsceneinfrontofthechildren.(Tantrum)Thisisthetryand‘embarrassthem’intochangingmethod;oritisthe‘victim’scenarioandtryingtowinotherstoyourside.

8.Showuplateordragyourheelsforsomethingimportantforthem.(Tantrum)Teachthemalesson.Letthemseehowitfeels.Revenge!

9.Don’tgototheevent.(Tantrum).Afterallyouaren’tabouttowalkinlate!!Andbesureandblamethem.

10.Ifyoudogo,whenyoushowupbesureandsay,“Wellitisn’tmyfaultwearelate.”(Tantrum).Makesuretheblameisproperlyplaced.

11.Makesarcasticremarks.(Tantrum)“You’llbethelasttoshowupatyourownfuneral.”Makesuretheyknowandeveryoneelseknowsyouaresufferinghorriblylivingwithsuchaperson.

12.Withholdaffection.(Tantrum)Don’ttouch,orbetouched.Nokissorgiveadeadfishkiss.

Hey,hereare12.Thesearetantrums.

Hereisthechallenge.TheRESPONDERisresponsiblefortheseandcan’tblametheother.

ThoseareADULTTANTRUMS.I’msurewecouldfindmore.

Nowmaybetheotherpersonaltrulyhasaproblemwithnotbeingpunctualinlife.Theyneedtodealwiththat.

ButmytantrumsareNOTgoingtohelpfixtheproblem.Infacttheymightbemakingmattersworseanddrivingtheotherintobeinglaterallthemoreasawaytorattlemycageandpunishmeformybehaviorortantrums.Huummmmm

OnecanbesofocusedontheothersSPECK(Oneitem)thattheytotallymisstheir8or10or12badresponses,THEIRLOG,orADULTBABYBEHAVIOR.

Thisexerciseisnotsayingtardinessoranynumberofotherthingsarenotimportantissues,butitissayingweneedtostartwithourselvesandmakesurewearetakingcareofus.

Ourdoingthatmightevenbeanencouragementtotheothertoimproveandchangewhentheyseeourwillingnesstotakeresponsibilityforourpoorattitudesandactions.Wetakethepressureoffbyputtingthepressureonustochangeourbehaviors.Thenwecanbeginthetaskisfindingothermaturewaystodealwiththeothersissueorissues.

SO,outofthehighchair,outofthecrib,putdownthebottleblankieandlet’smoveontomaturity!!!!

I Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.