When Power Is Misused

When PWhen PowerowerIs Misused Is Misused

Finding The True Strength Of A Man

by Jeff Olson

TThe 1992 motion picture A Few Good Men tells thestory of two US Marines put on trial for the murderof a fellow platoon mate. Under orders from their

commanding officer, they had carried out a “code red”against a fellow soldier thought to be a dishonorableslacker. Also known as “hazing,” a “code red” is an illegaland extreme form of physical discipline sometimes used to teach a lesson. In this case, the “code red” triggered anundetected medical condition that not only contributed to the fellow Marine’s underperformance but also led to hisuntimely death.

The two Marines accused of the murder were defendedby a trio of military lawyers who were split on how theyviewed their clients. Two of the lawyers believed the menwere innocent because they were following orders. Althoughthe third lawyer accepted their contention that they wereunder orders, he believed there was no excuse for what theydid and that they should be severely punished.

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At a very tense momentin the trial, the lawyer whohad little sympathy for theaccused Marines was askedby one of his colleagues toexplain why he disliked his clients so much. Heexplained, “They beat up on a weakling! . . . Theytortured and tormented aweaker kid. They didn’t likehim. And they killed him.”Moments later he shot backthe question, “Why do youlike them so much?” Thesympathetic lawyer replied,“Because they stand on awall, and they say,‘Nothing’s gonna hurt youtonight. Not on my watch.’ ”

In that brief exchange,the film powerfully taps intoboth the good and the badside of masculine strength.There is the good side thatsteps up and comes throughfor others. From dailyproviding for their familiesto courageous acts ofheroism. From forginghomesteads out of the

rugged wilderness toprotecting their countryagainst hostile forces.We don’t have to look hard to find stories of menstepping up and exertingthemselves, often at greatpersonal risk, for the benefit of others.

This film, however,reminds us that there is adark side to male strength.The pages of history alsochronicle the tragic story of masculine energy gonebad. Over the centuries,husbands, fathers, sons,friends, church leaders,employers, and civicauthorities have used forms of masculine strengthto bully and hurt others.

Violent crimes, which are for the most partcommitted by men, areobvious examples of theabuse of male strength.The misuse of masculinestrength, however, is notnecessarily played out inphysical violence. The

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Copyright 2006 RBC Ministries

problem is much broader.With a sharp look ofdisapproval, a raised voice,or an intimidating threat,men are able to throw theirweight around and walk all over people withoutbreaking a law or laying a hand on someone.

Before we get too far,let’s make it clear that thepurpose of this booklet isnot to engage in male-bashing. Masculinity hastaken enough of a bad rap.Maleness is not villainous.It’s a reflection of GodHimself (Gen. 1:27) anddeclared by Him to be “very good” (v.31).

Men don’t have toapologize for their gender ortheir strength. Still, all of usmen need to be open to seewhere, how, and why we’vemisused our strength—andhurt others in the process.

If you are a man who hasa pattern of dominatingothers, something has likelyhappened that caused you

to pick up this booklet.A friend may have stood up to you and said, “You’retoo hard on people.” Yourwife may have filed forseparation or divorce.You may even have beenarrested or lost your job. Itmay not seem like it now,but it’s a good thing if it hasgotten your attention. Youare now at a place to starttaking more seriously theway you treat people.

Whether you aretroubled by the way youbully people and mishandleyour power, or even if youdon’t think you cross thatline, please read on.

The following pages areone small effort to help menbegin putting a finger onwhat’s gone wrong in thehearts of males whosestrength has turned bad.Further, it’s our hope to help men discover anddeepen a God-given desireto use their strength to“stand on a wall” for others.

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What’s GoneWrong?

PPick up a newspaper or go to your favorite

online news site. Itdoesn’t take long to see thatmasculine strength hastaken a turn for the worse.It’s gone in directions thatGod never intended. Tounderstand what’s gonewrong, let’s step back andconsider misused strengthby men from a largercontext.

A Divine StartingPoint. The Bible describesGod’s character andpurposes as a mysteriousand wonderful mixture ofstrength and tenderness,justice and mercy. David,a man who was closelyacquainted with the natureof God’s heart, summed Himup this way: “One thing Godhas spoken, two things haveI heard: that you, O God,are strong, and that you, OLord, are loving” (Ps. 62:11-

12). Jesus had some fairly harsh words for the religious hypocrites of His day who neglectedboth the “justice and thelove of God” (Lk. 11:42).

Both men and womenare created as equallyvaluable image bearers ofGod (Gen. 1:27). And bothgenders possess and reflectthe strength and tendernessof their Creator. Withoutgetting into a discussionabout the similarities anddifferences between menand women, it’s reasonableto say what common sensehas told us all along—thatstrength is an importantstarting point formasculinity.

Most adult men develop significant upperbody strength. Researchalso shows that males buildmuscle easily and are builtfor physical clashes and theuse of force.

The biblical narrativeputs its own emphasis on

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the strength of a man.Heman, a very wisecontemporary of Solomon (1 Ki. 4:31), implied thatsomething vital is missingwhen a man lacks strength.He said that “a man withoutstrength” was like one whowas dead and rememberedno more (Ps. 88:4-5).

“So be strong, showyourself a man” (1 Ki. 2:2)are the words the greatKing David began with as he challenged his son Solomon in the lastmoments of his own life. Onhis deathbed, a time whenpeople cut to the chaseabout the things that mattermost, David stressed to hisson the connection betweenbeing a man and and actingcapable and strong.

The apostle Paul alsostressed that strength is the place for a man to begin.Notice the following chargehe gave to the men atCorinth: “Act like men, bestrong” (1 Cor. 16:13 NASB).

Paul wasn’t telling them to be arrogant or to feel theneed to prove themselves toothers. He was encouragingthem to act legitimatelyconfident as they contendedwith the challenges of life.Paul’s words were not amere suggestion—“By theway, it might be a good ideaif you guys acted capableand strong.” Far from it.His words were directive as well as instructive aboutwhat is at the heart of being a man.

Being strong and comingthrough for others is anessential component ofmasculinity. While parts ofculture and society promotetwisted and violent versionsof male strength, it’s a basictrait that men are endowedwith and are meant to offerto their world. And there is more to it than just beingphysically powerful.Masculine strength isn’tjust about muscle mass orhow much weight a man

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can bench-press. Godpackages masculinestrength in all physicalshapes and sizes. Aphysically smaller maledoesn’t have to join a gymand bulk up to be strong. Aphysically handicapped manis not doomed to a life ofweakness. Even men ofsmall physical stature or those with a physicallimitation can live strongand courageous lives.

Every man, regardless of his size or weight, is bornwith an essential strengthin his heart that is centralto his being and yet uniquein its expression. Sometimesstrength is expressed inphysically heroic measuresto protect or rescue someonein harm’s way. Other timesit is shown by speaking up or by simply making adifficult choice. There areeven moments when quietstrength is expressedthrough a look or a presence that lets others

know he means business.However it’s expressed,

strength is that quality ofstepping up and takingaction when danger calls.It’s about assertiveness andmovement versus passivityand paralysis. Rather thanshrinking back in fear, it is having a spine, forgingahead and making toughand unpopular decisions.Instead of being a pushover,it’s standing one’s ground inthe face of sharp opposition.It is that part of a man that will rise up and go tobat for others or even be bigenough to admit when he’swrong.

While we should respectand appreciate the rightkind of masculine strength,it never implies superiorityor greater value. Nor does itmean that men have to cutout their gracious andgentle side. Sometimes aman needs to be gentle likethe apostle Paul was to thechurch in Thessalonica

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when he wrote: “We weregentle among you, like amother caring for her littlechildren” (1 Th. 2:7). ButPaul was not gentle at theexpense of his strength.When he needed to bestrong, like the time theJews “opposed” him and“became abusive,” he stoodhis ground and confrontedtheir abuse (Acts 18:6).

Earlier, when some men in Jerusalem tried to take away the Galatians’freedom found in Christ tomake them slaves again toreligious rules, Paul and hismen held their ground and“did not give in to them fora moment” (Gal. 2:4-5).

Strength TurnedBad. God created men to be initiators and to comethrough when the goinggets tough. But early in the story of humanity whenthat strength was put to the test, it failed andeventually turned bad.

The book of Genesis

may indicate that Adamwas present the day Satantempted Eve. Genesis 3:6tells us, “She also gave someto her husband, who waswith her, and he ate it.” TheHebrew word translated“with her” means “rightthere, shoulder to shoulder.”Adam may not have beensomewhere off in a differentpart of the Garden of Edenwhen Satan lied to anddeceived Eve. The phrase“with her” implies thatAdam could have beenstanding next to her asSatan misled her. Even if he wasn’t actually present,as some suggest, there stillwas a moment of truthwhen Adam needed to stepup and do something, to saysomething, to intervene. Buthe did nothing.

When history hung inthe balance and humanitycounted on Adam’s strength,he lost his nerve and froze.There’s no record that hespoke up—only silence.

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At crunch time, he chokedon his words and passivelyallowed his wife to lead.When Adam took a bite outof the forbidden fruit, Godcursed the ground becauseAdam “listened” to Eve(Gen. 3:17). This was anindictment of his failure tobe strong and to speak up.

Another important twistto the Genesis story is thatGod had not yet created Evewhen He instructed Adamnot to eat from the tree ofthe knowledge of good andevil (Gen. 2:15-17). Thatmeans that when Satan was tempting Eve, Adamshould not have remainedsilent. God specificallyentrusted Adam withfirsthand knowledge of this vital information—topass it along and to protectits integrity. Consequently,Adam should have spokenup and clarified what Godactually said. He could havesaid, “Eve, the snake has itall wrong. I was there when

God said not to eat fromthis tree, and the snake’strying to trick you. I’m notsure what’s going on here,but he’s misquoting God.Please don’t listen to him.”Instead, he sat on vitalinformation and followedhis wife into disobedience.

One of the results ofAdam’s silence has beenmore male passivity. All of us men have followed inAdam’s footsteps more oftenthan we care to admit. Butit was only a matter of timebefore Adam’s passivity ledto the violence and misuseof strength that has plaguedthe world.

Within one generation ofAdam’s failure to be strong,masculine strength turnedinto murder when Cainkilled Abel (Gen. 4). Only a few generations later,Lamech followed suit andkilled a man for “wounding”him and threatened to killanyone who dared to crosshim again (Gen. 4:23-24).

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From there, violence spreadlike a cancer. Apparently,things got so out of handthat one reason God floodedthe earth was because of the violence of men (Gen. 6).

Even before Cain turned on his brother and murdered him,God had predicted (notcondoned) that men wouldmishandle their power.Before banishing Adam andEve from Eden, God saidthat one of the tragic resultsof humanity’s fall into sinwould be that men woulduse their strength todominate women. “Yourdesire will be for yourhusband, and he will ruleover you” (Gen. 3:16). TheHebrew word translated“rule” means “to dominate.”

There is something tothe notion that it is a man’sworld. Throughout history,men have used theirstrength to maintain theupper hand against women.For instance, many male-

dominated cultures havewrongly viewed women asnothing more than propertyor sexual objects. They werenot allowed to voice theiropinions and were not givenopportunities for education.Although parts of the world have recently granted women privilegesthat for centuries belongedonly to men, women havehistorically been relegatedto little more than cooking,cleaning, and bearingchildren. Sadly, many in the church today havetwisted New Testamentstatements about maleheadship to justify maledomination in the home.

From the start of thehuman story, somethingwent terribly wrong. Eve’stemptation by Satan putAdam’s strength to thetest—and he failed.Masculine strengtheventually turned bad.Like Diotrephes (the villainin the New Testament book

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of 3 John) who maliciouslyimposed his will on others(1:9-10), men have had atendency to misuse theirstrength ever since. Forsome men, it happensoccasionally. For others,it develops into adestructive way of life.

Part of the reason manymen turn out to be so harshand pushy is that theirfamily and society havetrained them and giventhem permission to be self-centered and heavy-handed. Taking away thatpermission by showing menthey don’t have the right todominate anyone would go a long way in turning thingsaround for the good. Tomore fully understand the misuse of masculinestrength, however, we mustalso look into the heart ofmen who walk over others.We’ll find a woundedstrength that is a part of every man’s story.

What’s BehindThe Misuse OfStrength?

NNear the end of theclassic film TheWizard Of Oz,

Dorothy and her threecompanions meet up againwith the mysterious wizard.No one had ever seen the“great and powerful” Oz,but his booming voiceportrayed him as a mightyforce to be reckoned with—that is, until Dorothy’s littledog Toto pulls away thecurtain to Oz’s control room,showing him to be a small,insecure man with a weakand unassuming voice.

It’s not alwaysimmediately seen, butthere’s a common reasonmen misuse their strength.Like Oz, there’s more goingon behind a man’s show offorce that further explains(yet never excuses) hispattern of using power to control people. It’s the

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contention of this bookletthat there’s a woundedstrength deep down insidemost men who routinelymisuse their strength. Theymay hide it well behind anabrasive front or falsebravado, but it’s there. Let’spull back the curtain of aman’s show of force andconsider strength that hasbeen shamed or badlyignored.

Shamed Strength.To be affirmed as strong and capable is essential tomales. God the Father’srelationship with Jesuscould serve as an example of the importance of a fatheraffirming a son when Hesaid to Jesus: “You are MySon, whom I love; with You Iam well pleased” (Lk. 3:22).

The unfortunate realityis that we live in a less-than-perfect world whereevery man questionshimself. To some degree, weall wonder if we have thestrength to come through

when we’re called on. It’s adoubt that cuts to the coreof our character. Thoughmost do not easily admit it,such doubts and feelings ofinadequacy run deep in thehearts of men who have ahabit of pushing othersaround. Their doubts oftencome as a result of beingshamed and belittled intheir formative years.

One man remembers thatwhen he was growing up,his father often called him asissy or a little girl. Hechided his son about hisfailures and rarely noticedhis accomplishments. Some,like the man just mentioned,had their sense of adequacyridiculed by a hostile parent.Others had peers, teachers,coaches, and a number ofauthority figures reinforcethe idea that they wereweak and lacking. Even life’s circumstances, such as childhood abuse, losing ajob, growing up in poverty,or a long-term illness, can

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leave some big questionsthat undermine self-confidence.

Ignored Strength.Not only can strength beshamed and undermined,it can also be ignoredaltogether. In some cases,the adults who were meantto build up and encourage a young boy’s sense ofadequacy simply weren’tpresent. For a number ofreasons—a divorce, a jobthat required long hours or a lot of traveling, or some other extenuatingcircumstances—theirfathers were absent or just plain uninvolved.When it came to speaking to their sons about theircompetency, they weresilent. Sadly, many fatherscouldn’t pass along andvalidate in their sons asense of adequacy because itwas never affirmed in them.

The Message OfWounded Strength.Whether a sense of strength

is shamed or ignored,it sends an unsettlingmessage that will eat away at a male’s sense ofcompetency. It whispers andsometimes shouts to theirhearts, “You are weak! Youdon’t have what it takes!What little strength youmay have is not enough.”

The message of suchwounds is so powerful thatit can slowly begin to rule amale. Taking their cue fromearlier messages, some menwill gravitate toward a lifeof fearful passivity andavoidance. Others willhandle it by going to theother extreme and willangrily mishandle theirpower. These males learn to compensate for theirfeelings of inadequacy bybullying others or lashingout at those who make themfeel small. Some constantlylive with a big chip on theirshoulder, out to provethemselves. They come tobelieve the lie that making

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others feel weak or overlydependent on them makesthem bigger and better thaneveryone else.

Saul, Israel’s first king,is a prime example of a man who exhibited bothextremes. Even though hewas a physically “impressiveyoung man without equalamong the Israelites—ahead taller than any of theothers” (1 Sam. 9:2), he hadcome to believe a completelydifferent message abouthimself.

When the prophetSamuel told Saul aboutGod’s plans to make himking and deliver Israel fromtheir archenemies, thePhilistines, he balked. Hesaid to Samuel, “Why do you say such a thing to me?”(1 Sam. 9:21). His responsebetrayed his true view ofhimself—a man who was“small in [his] own eyes”(1 Sam. 15:17). In fact,he felt so inadequate andunsure of himself that

when it came time forSamuel to present Saul tothe people as their king, hetried to hide among somebaggage so that no onecould find him (1 Sam.10:22).

The biblical narrativedoesn’t tell us the details of what chipped away atSaul’s view of himself. Wedon’t know if his father orsomeone else demoralizedhim or ignored his strength.What we do know is thatafter Saul was anointedking, some “troublemakers”mocked his strength. “Howcan this fellow save us?”they jeered. “They despisedhim and brought him nogifts.” Not surprisingly, he“kept silent” as they carriedon (1 Sam. 10:27). Saul justtook it like someone whowas accustomed to hearingsuch things about himself.

Despite what Saul had come to believe, Godhad put His stamp ofvalidation on him. He was

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the man for the job. And for a time, Saul apparentlybelieved it. Under the powerof God’s Spirit, he steppedup and powerfully answeredGod’s call on his life. (FirstSamuel 11 records thecourageous militarycampaign he led to rescuethe city of Jabesh.) But itdidn’t last long. The oldmessage of inadequacyreturned as he grew to bemore controlled by whatothers thought about himthan by God’s approval.Instead of being a strongleader and following God’scommands, he started tocompromise and makeconcessions out of fear.When Samuel confrontedhim, he finally admitted,“I was afraid of the peopleand so I gave in to them”(1 Sam. 15:24). And it costhim his throne.

As God began to tear the kingdom away fromSaul, he became increasinglyhardened and violent. It only

got worse for Saul when his future replacement’smilitary successes caused hispopularity to swell amongthe people (1 Sam. 18:5-9).It galled him as the crowdcheered, “Saul has slain histhousands, and David histens of thousands.” The lasthalf of the book of 1 Samuelrecords the tragic story of anincreasingly insecure andjealous man who resistedGod and repeatedly tried(but failed) to kill David. Inthe end, he took his own lifeas he was being overrun bythe very enemy from whomhe was called to rescue hispeople (1 Sam. 31:1-6).

False Strength. Out of the message of woundedstrength men manufacturea contrived strength. Whena man lashes out physicallyor tramples others with hiswords, he may appear to bestrong. It may feel strong to him, at least for themoment, but bullying othersis not a genuine strength.

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It’s often a distortedcounterfeit that tries tocompensate for feelings ofweakness and inferiority.

Wounded strength maynot account for every timemen dominate and pushothers around, but it isbehind the problem farmore than we realize.More often than not,males misuse their powerbecause somewhere deepdown they believe they aresmall and powerless. Fewsee the wounded strengthunderneath, least of all the bully himself. Still,beneath much of it is a deep uncertainty that hedoesn’t have what it takes.

Men who are mean and domineering are oftenuncertain about their realGod-given strength. And we don’t help them, or theones they continue to hurt,by just scolding them andpunishing their behavior.The failure of prisonsystems to “reform” criminal

offenders is an expensivereminder that treating thesymptom doesn’t work. Theissue is always the heart.

Nothing justifies a manwalking over people andtreating others in anauthoritarian way. While we need to boldly confrontthe misuse of strength bymen and lovingly hold themaccountable for the sake of those they hurt, there’s a greater goal than justmodified behavior. We wantto help these men see thatthere is a wounded strengthinside of them that doesn’thave to rule them anymore.We want to help themrealize there’s a way for their wounded hearts to mend and that they can find and use anindispensable strength that brings life andprotection. We want them to know the freedom, life,and strength that can befound only in Christ (Jn.10:10; Gal. 5:1).

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StrengthRestored

TThere is a strength,a good strength,somewhere inside

men who misuse it. But itcan’t be found and restoredfor good if we try to stripmen of their masculinity. In his book Raising A Modern-Day Knight, Robert Lewisnotes that men in ourculture are “being strippedof their maleness. . . . Overthe last few decades, thisculture has steadily andrelentlessly underminedhealthy notions of what itmeans to be a man. Once-noble images of masculinityhave now been replaced byimages of men behavingbadly. . . . Manhood is nolonger a unique calling: it’snow seen more as a problemto overcome” (pp.2-3).

Certainly, one importantway to turn things aroundis by teaching men whobehave like tyrants to be

less self-centered and moresensitive to the needs ofothers. But the solution is not to do away with aman’s strength—to throw it out like a faulty or useless part. That’s a tragic mistake thatemasculates men. Ourworld equally suffers from alack of men with backbone.

It’s important to keep in mind that the legitimatestrength of a man accountsfor much of the good andheroism in the world.Remember, it was a band of men on Flight 93 whorushed the cockpit andprevented the hijackersfrom flying another airplaneinto a crowded building onSeptember 11, 2001.

In East Greenbush,New York, it was two maleteachers who tackled anddisarmed a 16-year-old whohad opened fire on hisclassmates on February 9,2005. May we never forgetthat nearly 2,000 years

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earlier it was a Man who spent every ounce of strength in His being as He willingly sufferedexcruciating torture andgave “His life as a ransom”for the world (Mk. 10:45).

If you are a man who has a habit of throwing yourweight around, literally orfiguratively, you don’t haveto sacrifice being strong.Yes, you have some roughedges that need smoothing,but there still remains anessential strength withinyou. God is the One who put it inside you, and Hewants it restored. He wantsyou to learn how to use itfor noble and great purposesthat you’ve yet to discover.

Finding what that meansfor you is a deeply personalprocess that requires time.Along the way, there will be some difficult things toacknowledge and workthrough. There are no easy formulas to follow,but as with most major

breakthroughs in a person’slife, it starts with admittingthat you have a seriousproblem.

Admit That YouHave A Problem.Whether you do it withwords or brute strength,at home or out in thecommunity, it’s essential toadmit that you bully others.There is no way of gettingaround this. Those whoadmit they have a problemcan change. Those who don’t, will not.

You might try tominimize your problem by claiming that others areat fault. You may justifywhat you do because youfeel pushed around. Youmight be tempted to believethe lies that if people wouldjust stop being so sensitiveor just be more attentive toyour needs, things would get better. The truth is thatyour misuse of strength will only get worse if youcontinue to point the finger

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at others and operate fromthe selfish idea that theworld revolves around you.

Admitting your problemmay be especially difficult if you are the type who actsnice and charming to somepeople. Many may be fooledby your charm. You mayhave even fooled yourselfand don’t really know whatyou’re doing. None of it,however, changes the factthat there are those in your life—a spouse, yourchildren, a friend, a co-worker, an employee—whoconsider you abrasive andcontrolling.

If you get stuck on thispoint and can’t admit thisabout yourself, remain open. Be willing to bewrong. People can’t makeyou admit to something that is painfully obvious only to them. But be open to thefact that others may see a side of you that you don’tcurrently see.

Even Paul had trouble

seeing that he had aproblem. Until he wasconfronted on the Damascusroad, he was convinced inhis own mind that huntingChristians down andpersecuting them was God’s will (Acts 9:1-18).God opened Paul’s eyes tosee the truth about himself.God can open your eyes too.So ask Him to help yousearch your heart for aslong as it takes till you start to see your problem for what it is. Pray with the psalmist: “Search me,O God, and know my heart . . . . See if there is anyoffensive way in me”(Ps. 139:23-24).

You are well on your way to restoration when youadmit your problem. Andonce you surrender to God,you will be able to makemore progress than you ever thought possible.

Surrender To God.Jesus taught, “Whoeverwants to save his life will

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lose it” (Lk. 9:24). He didn’t mean that we mustphysically die. Nor was Hecalling for an end to allpersonal confidence. Whatmust “die,” according toJesus, is our commitment to self-sufficiency. We mustgive up the self-absorbedillusion that we can managelife without Him. In otherwords, we will not find thelife God wants us to haveuntil we humbly get out ofthe way and allow Him tobe the Lord of our life.

If surrendering to Godfeels like putting your lifeinto the hands of a completestranger, a major turningpoint will occur when yousee your need for God’sforgiveness and accept His offer of a restoredrelationship through thedeath and resurrection ofJesus Christ (Mt. 20:28;Jn. 3:16). Putting your faithin Jesus doesn’t make thestruggles of life disappear,but it is your spiritual

starting point to a new-found life. Paul wrote, “Justas Christ was raised fromthe dead . . . , we too maylive a new life” (Rom. 6:4).

Whether you enteredinto a relationship with Godrecently or years ago, youcan surrender and start toget deeply connected withthe One who cares aboutyou and believes in you likeno one you’ve ever known.God is a person, not a set ofrules. And relationship withHim is not primarily aboutgoing to church andbehaving yourself. TheScriptures teach that ruleswill enslave us and drain usof life if we make them thefocus (2 Cor. 3:6; Gal. 4:9).

At its core, relationshipwith God is an intimatefriendship. From Moses toPaul, the Bible tells thestory of a God who wants tobe our constant companionand converse regularly withus. As Jesus put it, “I nolonger call you servants,

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because a servant does notknow his master’s business.Instead, I have called youfriends” (Jn. 15:15).

Surrendering to God is not a one-time event.Surrender is a place youreturn to in your heartagain and again. It’s whereyou center yourself in God’sauthority and friendship ona daily basis. Some days youmay surrender willingly.Other days you might haveto wrestle with God beforeyou go there. Still, from asurrendered heart, you canbegin to truly confess thedifficult things you’ve begunto see about yourself.

Confess Your MisuseOf Strength. Regardlessof where you misuse yourstrength, it’s essential toadmit to yourself that youhave a pattern of controllingothers. As you have theopportunity, it’s equallyimportant to personallyacknowledge what you’vedone to hurt others.

Be sincere and specific.It’s not enough to simplysay the words, “Okay, Iadmit it. I sometimes pushyou around.” Confess thedetails. As best as you can,genuinely acknowledge how you dominate othersand when you tend to do it.

For example, one harshand uncompromising bossfinally admitted that herarely lets anyone tell himanything. He acknowledgedthat he does whatever hepleases, regardless of theeffect on others.

Along with confessing to others, it’s vital that youhumbly confess your misuseof strength to God. Goddoesn’t want to condemnyou. Like the father of theprodigal son, He wants toembrace and forgive you(Lk. 15:11-24). Godwelcomes your humility.“God opposes the proud but gives grace to thehumble” (Jas. 4:6). Morethan anything, however,

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He wants to celebrate yourchange of heart.

God’s gracious responsemay not be what you’vecome to expect, especially if you were mocked or made to pay dearly for your mistakes as you were growing up. Let today,however, be the day you aresurprised by His kindness.Let His grace and mercyleave you stunned andspeechless. Let Him love you, especially at your worst. Soak in Hisforgiveness like the warmsun on a winter’s day.Let it fill your heart withgrateful celebration (Ps. 65:3).

Do you feel that Godwon’t use you now becauseof what you’ve done toothers? Well, there may be some consequences formisusing your strength,but God hasn’t written youoff. In fact, He’s just gettingstarted. Forgiveness, ashuge and surprising as

that is, is just thebeginning. You can continue to become adifferent man who offers his strength for the good of God and others. Animportant sign that this isbeginning to take shape inyour life is a willingness totake responsibility for thepain you’ve caused others.

Take ResponsibilityFor The Harm You’veCaused Others. A manwho has bullied people andmisused his strength hasvictims. And he shouldn’ttake lightly the effect he’shad on others. There ismuch more to it than simplysaying, “I’m sorry.” Althoughyou may have momentswhen you feel and expressdeep regret and sorrow over the harm you’vecaused, it takes months and sometimes years for aman to truly understandand take responsibility forthe way he has hurt otherswith his strength.

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Those who truly own the hurt they’ve causedothers are willing to acceptthe consequences of theiractions. They are willing tobear the burden that theyhaven’t been a safe personto be around. They takeresponsibility for the fearand mistrust they’ve causedothers. They give the peoplethey’ve hurt as much timeas they need to workthrough the pain they’vecreated. They are willing to do whatever it takes torebuild the trust they have broken.

It’s important to beaware that the people youhave hurt will likely hurtyou in some of their ownresponses. Make it your goal to be gracious to them, and confess it to God when you’re not. Why?Because you want to takeresponsibility for puttingothers in such a difficultsituation in the first place.

Stepping up and taking

responsibility for the harmyou’ve caused is one of theearly stages of discoveringand showing true strength.It shows the people you’vehurt that you are not justgoing through the motionsbecause you’ve been told to.It shows that you seriouslywant to be a different man.

In some cases, you needto accept that things maynever be reconciled betweenyou and someone you’vehurt. Depending on theseriousness of your offenseand the degree of the harmthat’s been done, completerestoration of somerelationships may not be possible.

Although it may not be possible for somerelationships to be restored,you can be restored! Youcan set out to know andbelieve the real truth about yourself and go on to live as the man Godcreated you to be. Thisprocess of restoration,

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however, can keep goingforward only as you turnaway from your falsestrength.

Turn Away FromFalse Strength. Whenyou stop pushing othersaround, you’ll be putting off“your old self” so you can“put on the new self, createdto be like God” (Eph. 4:22-24). This is more than juststraightening out wrongbehavior. It comes from asurrendered heart and mindthat willingly seeks to giveup what you’ve trusted in to deal with your woundedstrength.

Giving up your falsestrength is not aboutshaping up because you areafraid of losing a marriage,a friendship, or yourreputation. Fear of what youmight lose can help get yourattention, but alone it is nota strong enough reason tomake you walk away forgood. You need to stophurting others with your

strength for one reason: It iswrong and unworthy of whoGod created you to be. Youneed to stop talking down toothers and running overpeople just because you canand you want to. You needto walk away from yourfalse strength so that youcan be healed and restored.

God wants to bring realhealing and restoration intothe lives of men who misusetheir strength, but thatcan’t happen as long as theycontinue living out of a falsestrength. Healing comesonly when we humbleourselves and turn from ourself-destructive and harmfulways (2 Chr. 7:14; Acts28:27). It’s only then thatany of us can find God’sgrace and healing.

Letting go of your false strength doesn’t meanyou have to turn into apushover. It means you stopmisusing your strength todeal with your feelings ofinadequacy. No matter how

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belittled or weak you feel,it means that you give upthe right to deal with your pain by using your fists or throwing your weightaround. It means that youstop putting others down so you can feel better aboutyourself.

You can turn away fromit willingly, out of a brokenand surrendered heart. Ifyou don’t, God may have tograciously force the matter.To save you from what willeventually destroy you, Hemay let it blow up in yourface. For example, one manwas brought to this pointafter he was arrested and put on probation for slugging his teenage stepson during a late-nightaltercation. For him, thechoice was clear: Either stop hitting his son or go to prison.

However it comes about,leaving your false strengthbehind opens you up to aprocess of restoration that

requires faith. It is not only giving up what you’vetrusted in to deal with thewounds in your heart, it isalso trusting that God hassomething better for youand for others, even thoughyou can’t always see whatthat is. “We live by faith,not by sight” (2 Cor. 5:7).No matter how hurt andangry you may feel, youhave good reason to refrainfrom your old ways: God has something better.

Be aware, however, thatthe journey to restorationtends to get worse before itgets better. Why? Not onlyis there a lot to own up to(in terms of the damageyou’ve caused), but there isalso a lot of unresolved painto face in your own heart.Once you’ve quit coveringyour insecurities throughthe abuse of your strength,the painful wounds in yourheart will start to intensify.And it won’t be a strollthrough the park as the

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hurt and feelings of self-doubt push back to thesurface. This is one reasonyou shouldn’t try to walkthis journey alone. You willhave a difficult time sortingthrough this part of yourlife by yourself. As you startto turn your attention to theplaces in your heart whereyour strength has sufferedits greatest blows, reach outto a man who has dealtwith this issue in his ownlife or a group of men youtrust and admire.

Identify And FaceYour Wounds. A man will not understand theforce that drives his misuseof strength until he ishonest about his ownwoundedness. Most menfind this difficult. Not onlyare the wounds extremelypainful, some see facingtheir wounds as a sign of further weakness. Manymen have been taught to “gut it out” and playthrough the pain. One

lie many men have boughtinto is, “Big boys don’t cry.”As a result, too many men downplay how much they’ve been hurt.

In his helpful book formen titled Wild At Heart,John Eldredge writes, “Mostmen deny their wound—deny that it happened, denythat it hurt, certainly denythat it’s shaping the waythey live today.” He goes onto add, “But a wound thatgoes unacknowledged andunwept is a wound thatcannot heal” (p.106).

Facing your wounds isnot a sign of weakness. Bigboys do indeed cry. Just lookat the example of KingDavid. He was a battle-tested warrior who wascandid about the heartachesof his life: “I am poor andneedy, and my heart iswounded within me”(Ps. 109:22).

“Playing through thepain” may be appropriate inan athletic event, but it has

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no place when it comes tothe deep hurts of your life.It’s time to stop playing theindependent tough guy whodoesn’t need anything fromanyone (including God) andstart admitting that you’vebeen significantly hurt.

To get started, take some time to think aboutyour own story. Before youbecame a bully, somepainful things may havehappened or were said toyou that made you feelsmall and caused you todoubt your own sense ofstrength. If so, what werethey? Who said them? Andhow did it make you feelabout yourself? What didyou long to hear aboutyourself from the peoplewho meant the most toyou—your parents, siblings,teachers, friends? Whetherit was intended or just yourown perception, what wasthe message you heard fromthem about your strength?

Reflecting on these types

of questions can help youbreak through your denialand open your heart. Itwon’t always be evident, butbegin to watch for momentswhen you feel the pain of anearlier wound. Look for thatold message to surface whensomeone says somethingthat makes you feel angryand small. Watch for yourwound to surface as you’rewatching a movie, reading a book, or listening to asong. God can use nearlyanything to bring yourwound to your awareness.

Whatever surfaces,write it down and talkabout it with a friend or agroup. Put words to whathappened and how itaffected you. Writing itdown and talking to othershelps you reconnect withthe events in your life thathave shaped you.

Don’t make the mistakeof rushing through yourunresolved wounds. Giveyourself time to let the truth

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of what happened and howit affected you sink in. It’snot just another task tocheck off your to-do list.View it as part of theongoing rescue mission ofyour heart.

Admitting your woundsis not a mere intellectualexercise you finish in onesession. Nor is it somethingyou can do just in yourhead. Not only is itimportant to understandhow you’ve been hurt, butalso to feel the emotionalweight and hurt of thenegative words you’ve heardabout yourself all your life.You didn’t ask to be putdown or ignored when youwere growing up. Don’t runfrom the pain by blamingyourself. It wasn’t yourfault, but it was a big deal. It was a significanthurt, and it still is. Letyourself be angry and cry.It’s essential to grieve.

Jesus said that Godcomforts those who mourn

(Mt. 5:4). In fact, unless youcan be real and feel the painof your wounds, your heartwon’t be in any condition tohear the deeper Voice thatcan counter the negativemessages you’ve heardabout yourself all your life.As you are open to grieveand grow in your ability torecognize those times whenyou are feeling shamed orsmall, you can begin to dothe most important thingyou could ever do with yourwounds—take them to God.

Take Your Wounds To God. Men who misusetheir strength are often socaught up in protectingtheir image or provingthemselves to be “strong”that they fail to see theconnection between theirmisuse of strength and theirwoundedness. But once aman starts to turn awayfrom his false strength andis honest about the deeppain in his own story, he can turn to the One whose

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opinion counts the most.You don’t just get past

your wounds and whatothers said to you aboutyourself. You have tointentionally go throughthem by taking them toGod. Cry out to Him andask Him to speak truth into your heart and bringrestoration.

As Jesus launched His earthly ministry, He let people know that one of the primary reasons Heshowed up on the stage ofhumanity was to bringhealing and freedom to thebrokenhearted (Isa. 61:1-3;Lk. 4:17-22). Later on, Hesaid, “Come to Me. Get awaywith Me and you’ll recoveryour life” (Mt. 11:28 TheMessage). For a man whohas had a habit of abusinghis strength because of hisown insecurities, it’s time totake Jesus at His word andto bring Him the pieces ofyour heart that are broken.It’s time to ask the Lord to

help you reinterpret thepainful messages you’veheard about yourself. It’stime to invite Him into thewounded places of yourheart where you feelinadequate.

More than you know,God wants to show love byspeaking words of healingand validation that counterthe negative messages ofyour life.

You may have alreadyheard Him speaking somedifficult things to you aboutthe way you’ve mistreatedothers. And He likely hassome more difficult thingsto say to you. But Hedoesn’t say any of it in a spirit of condemnation.His words of conviction arelaced with the truth andhope that we are muchmore than the sum of oursins and failures. We are anew creation because of theredeeming work of Christ inour heart (2 Cor. 5:17).

Hearing from God is

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more than just a mentalexercise in which you recitea Bible verse or remindyourself about God’s love foryou. It’s asking God whatHe really thinks of you—and then listening for Hisresponse.

One of the saddeststatements in the Bible is, “The Lord spoke toManasseh and his people,but they paid no attention”(2 Chr. 33:10). God wants tospeak to us, but we’re oftennot paying attention for anumber of reasons—we’retoo busy talking, toodistracted with life, or we simply don’t believe Hewill say anything to us.

Jesus said, “He whobelongs to God hears what God says” (Jn. 8:47).Sometimes hearing fromGod requires getting awayfrom all the distractions oflife and spending time alone with Him. If we wouldactually quiet our heartsand take the time to listen,

we would be amazed atwhat He has to say. This is when we can hear His“gentle whisper” say what is true about us.

Getting to a place ofsolitude is often what givesyour heart the necessarybreathing room it needs tohear and absorb what Godwants to say. Obviously, Hespeaks through the Bible—our foundation of truth.But you must also be opento God speaking to you inother ways. He can alsodeliver words of affirmationthrough nature, books,friends, music, films, or any other way He chooses (for more, see When DisappointmentDeceives CB041). Butremember, whatever wethink God is saying to usmust agree with what Hehas already said in theScriptures.

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Imitating Jesus

Ralph Waldo Emersonsaid, “Man is God

in ruins.” It’s true.Much has gone wrong in thehearts of men. At the sametime, there are significantremnants of dignity. Therestill remains a goodstrength that is part ofman’s original glory thatGod intends to restore.

We see this original glorymost clearly in the life ofJesus. He was the perfectmodel of kindness andstrength. Those who weredown and out, oppressed,and treated like outcastshad no better friend thanour Lord (Mt. 9:36; Jn. 8:1-11). Those who were in theservice of the kingdom ofdarkness and oppressingthe disadvantaged, however,encountered a very differentside of Jesus. Just ask themoney lenders whose tablesHe knocked over and chased

out of the temple just daysbefore His execution (Mk.11:15-17; Lk. 19:45-46).

Jesus was the mostgracious man ever to setfoot on this planet, but Healso possessed an intense,loving strength. As a humanbeing, His strength wasbased on knowing who He was. He listened andbelieved what His heavenlyFather said about Him:“You are My son, whom Ilove; with You I am wellpleased” (Lk. 3:22).

His strength also camefrom knowing His purpose.He knew why He was here.He knew His role in God’sstory and what He hadcome to do (Mt. 20:28).

Finally, He knew who Hisreal enemy was and what hewould attack. He knew thereal enemy wasn’t people.“For our struggle is notagainst flesh and blood”(Eph. 6:12). He knew it wasSatan, the same adversarywho deceived and lured

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Adam and Eve into rebellingagainst God. And Jesus alsoknew that the enemy wouldattack His identity. Twice inthe wilderness temptations,Satan called into questionthe very identity God theFather had given to Jesuswhen he sneered, “If You arethe Son of God” (Lk. 4:1-13).

As a follower of Jesus,you too can hear God speakto you. You can know withmore and more certaintythat you are His son andthat you are capable andstrong. You also can start to find your purpose andmission in life (2 Th. 1:11).This is the place in God’songoing story of rescue and redemption where yourstrength is needed the most.Finally, you should expectthe same kind of attacksfrom the enemy. He posesthe greatest threat to the lifeGod has for us. Like it ornot, all of us were born intoa world at war. It’s the warbehind every war—the

spiritual clash between good and evil that has beentaking place ever sinceSatan tried to overthrowGod (Isa. 14:12-14). In fact,your wounded strength is acasualty of the life-and-deathbattle between good and evil.

Jesus said that Satan isa “thief” who is out “to stealand kill and destroy” (Jn.10:10). He will continuallytry to steal away anythingyou hear from God aboutyour true identity andstrength. He will dowhatever he can to makeyou doubt God, yourself,and your ability to carry out God’s calling in yourlife. He will stop at nothingto lure you back into a falsestrength.

This battle can becomequite fierce. But you don’thave to sit there and take it.Like Jesus, you can standyour ground and resist theenemy’s lies and attacks asyou continue to live a life ofsurrender (Jas. 4:7).

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ADDITIONALRESOURCES

Healing The MasculineSoul by Gordon Dalbey (W Publishing Group, 2003).

Raising A Modern-DayKnight by Robert Lewis(Focus On The Family, 1999).

The Silence Of Adamby Larry Crabb (Zondervan,1995).

To Be Told by DanAllender (WaterBrook Press,2005).

Wild At Heart by JohnEldredge (Thomas NelsonPublishers, 2001).

OTHER RBCBOOKLETS ONRELATED TOPICS

When Anger Burns—defusing anger’s explosivepotential (CB942).

When Violence ComesHome—help for victims ofspouse abuse (CB951).

When Words Hurt—dealing with verbal abuse in marriage (CB011).

When Help Is Needed—a biblical view of counseling(CB931).

When DisappointmentDeceives—how to handlethe lies that mislead us(CB041).

When ForgivenessSeems Impossible—understanding and applyingChristlike forgiveness(CB941).

The complete text of all theRBC booklets is available atwww.discoveryseries.org

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Author Jeff Olson is a licensedcounselor in Michigan andworks in the RBC biblicalcorrespondence department.Managing Editor: David Sper

Cover Illustration: Getty/Rob ColvinScripture taken from the New International Version®. NIV®.Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, byInternational Bible Society. Used bypermission of Zondervan. All rightsreserved.© 2006 RBC Ministries,Grand Rapids, MI. Printed in USA.



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When Power Is Misused