Reality Theveryfirstthingicanrememberisofmybrotherstoneandigettingupinthe

mornings.Hewassixandiwasfour.Whenthelightwouldjuststarttofilterthroughthe

windowsofourverycompactapartmentstonewouldgivemealittleshake.Myeyes

wouldopenandiwouldseehissmilingwornfacelookingatme.Eventhoughhewas

onlytwoyearsolderthani,helookedaboutteninsteadofsix.Hisblondehairwascut

intoamulletsadly,andhishazeleyesseemedtoalwaysbesoinviting.Mynormal

morningroutinewouldbetogetup,eatbreakfastalsoknownascoldcerealmadeby

Stone,andthenidbeonthebusheadedtoschool,sometimeswithalunch,sometimes

not.Formethatsjusthowlifewasitdidntseemstrangethatmymotherwouldsleepin

untilaboutfiveintheeveningandhaveabottleofwhiskeywithherbreakfast.

Forthelongesttimethat'showiassumedlifewas.Butwheniwasabouttoturn

foureverythingchanged.Myfathertookmeawayfrommymother,becauseasheputit

sheissickArizona.ididntunderstandwhathemeantbythat.didshehavethe

flu?wasshegonnagetbetter?iwasafraid,wherewasmymother?somepeoplemay

seethisastragic,buttomeitsjustanotherpartofmylife.

IwenttolivewithmyfatherandMarionmygodmother.Marionwasan

olderladyaboutfiftysix,shewasfivefoottwoandhadshinygrayshorthair.Butalotof

peoplefearedher.ShewasabartenderatAbiesbardowntown.TheylivedinEaton

Rapidsjustlikemygrandparents.Itwasamediumsizedhouse,myroomwaswhitebut

ihadtonsoftoys.iwasveryspoiled.mostnightsiwouldrefusetosleepinmy

bedroom,therewassomethingeeryaboutitandididntwanttostickaroundtofindout

inthemiddleofthenight.Butyetistillfeltasifsomethingweremissing.Sometimesi

wouldgettoseemymother,butothertimesiwouldntseeherforsolongialmost

forgotwhatherfacewouldlooklike.Sometimesiwouldsitaroundandwonderwhat

shewasdoing,wasshewithaman,orwithgrandmaJeannie?Didsheforgetabout

me?Didsheevencareaboutmeanymore?Icouldneversleepalone,becauseifiwas

aloneiwouldbescaredandcry.Iwassousedtobeingleft.

Mymotherwouldcomehomedrunktothepointthatshewouldntrecognizeus.

Onetimeicannotforget.Shecamehomeandallicouldsmellwaswhiskeyonher

breath.Sheyelled

Ineedtousethebathroom!Istaredatherassheheadedtowardsthecloset.

No!stoneandiyelledastheopenedtheoldwoodendoorthatlefttothetiny

closet.Shelookedatusbutdidntseemtorecognizewhatweweresaying.Stoneran

uptoherandtriedtopullhertowardsthebathroombutshewouldntbudge.Eventually

weweretiredandlethergointothebathroomandputherfecesintoashoppingbag.I

laughedthenextmorningaboutitnotrealizingthatothersparentswerentlikethat.

Whenibroughtitupwhenstoneandiwereoldersheyelledatmeandtoldmenotto

bringitupagain.Myonlythoughtswerewellthenmaybeyoushouldactlikea

responsibleadultandyouwouldhavenothingtobeembarrassedof.

Astimeprogressedandigotolder,Marionandmyfatherbrokeup.Forawhilei

stilllivedwithher.Imissedmyfatherandalsowonderedwherehewas.waseveryone

goingtoabandonme?Onedayirememberwheniwasvisitingmymothershelooked

atmeandoutoftheblueshesaid

Doyoulikeitatyourgrandparents?

yesirespondedthinkingnothingofit,becauseofcourseiwasachild.Butit

wasreallyforeshadowingforthefuture.

Eventuallymygrandparentscouldntstandmebeingmovedaroundasmuchasi

wassotheyaskedforcustody.Atfirstiwasntsurehowiwasgoingtofeelaboutliving

withmygrandparents,butigrewveryfondofthem.theywereliketheparentsinever

had.Istillgottoseemymother,andiwouldvisitmyfathersometimestoo.Hewas

datingaladyandhernameisCarrie.Sometimesiwouldstaythenightattheir

apartment,butididntlikeitmuch.

MygrandmaJudywouldnevertellwhenmymomwascomingtovisitmeor

comegetmebecausesometimesshewouldnevershowup.Atonepointwhenwewere

speakingonthephoneshehadmentionedhowshewishedshecouldjustmakeme

comethroughthephonetobewithher.Butwasthatreallywhatshewanted?The

alcoholishergreatestweaknessandilearnedthatfromayoungage.Butusuallyi

woulddenyitbecauseshewoulddenyit.Nowtotherealstory.

Itallstartswheniwasthirteen.Thedayiturnedthirteenwasaprilninth.Iwas

walkingdowntheroadtotheparkafterleavingmymothers,sinceshenowlivedin

Erapalso.Asiwaswalkingicaughtaglimpseofagorgeousboy.Ihadtothinkofa

planandthinkofonequick!soiwalkeduptohisdogandgaveitagoodpat.

youvegotacutedogisaidstaringattheblondehairedboyinfrontofme.

thankshesaidsmilingatmeandmybestfriendKatelyn.

ImArizona,butyoucancallmeArieforshort,andthisisKatelynIsaid

reachingoutmyhand.HeshookitandtoldmehisnamewasKalebandthatthiswas

hisgrandmashouse.Icouldtellthathetookalikingtomyfriendkatelynbecausehe

couldntseemtokeephiseyesoffofher.Katelynwasthequiettypethen,soshejust

observed.

Astimerolledon,summercame.IbecamegoodfriendswithKalebandallofhis

friends.Everythingseemednormalinmyhouseforawhile.Whenmymothergotmad

insteadofdrinkingshewouldgoforawalk.Stonelivedtherealsosoigottoseehimon

andoff,whichwasnicewhenhewasntbeingateenagelunatic.

Ididsomethingsthatsummerthatwerentquiteright,butthat'sbecauseitwas

thefirsttimeihadmymotherlookingoutforme,thewayineededtobelookedoutfor.

Shewasntdrinkingordoingdrugs,shewasfinallybeingamotherandnotateenage

adult.Imsureigaveherafewgrayhairsthatsummerwithalltheshenanigansandthe

situationsigotmyselfinto.IhadmybestfriendsCarleeandKatelyntostandbesideme

often.Carleewasdogooder,shedidherhomework,shelistenedandshenever

intermingledwithboysintheromanticway.Shewasalittlechunky,butquitebeautiful.

Herlongbrownhairreachedjustpasthercollarbone.Katelynwasfivefootsevenand

maybeahundredpounds.Shewasthefirstgirlihadeverkissed.itwasjustplayfuland

jokinglybutitsparkedsomethinginmefrommychest.Atthetimeiprettymuchignored

thefeeling.

Moretimesthannotshewastheoneiwasgettingintotroublewith.Onetimein

particularreallystandsouttome.Shewasfourteenandiwasthirteenandsummerhad

beengoingonforawhilenow.Mymotherwasbusycleaningsomethingoranother,so

wedecidedtogooutsideandtalktotheboysthatmymotherhadbannedusfrom

talkingto.TheirnameswereTravisandJosh.CarleehadalwayshadathingforTravis

eversinceshemethim,andilikedJosheventhoughhewasoneofmyfriends

boyfriendsatthetime.

hey,youguyswannagochillatthepark?Joshhadaskedusingthatraspytone

ofhis.Iblushedatthequestion,notsurehowtoexactlyanswer.Wasitagoodidea?

probablynot.Butiagreedtogoanyway.Asnonchalantlyaswecouldwewentand

askedmymotherifwecouldgotothelocalparkforacoupleofhours.Icouldtellshe

justassumedwewereboredandwantedsomethingtodo.

surejustbebackbysixshehadsaidsmilingatus.Carleeandilooked

ateachotherwithexcitementasweheadedoutthedoor.theboyhadalreadyleft

becausetheyknewitwouldseemfishyiftheywerewaitingaroundforusoutside.

Quicklywemadeourwaytowardstheoldwoodenplayground,thethoughtsofboysand

kissingfillingourheads.

Whenwefinallyreachedourdestination,welookedaroundfortheboysfor

minutebeforetheirheadspoppedoutbythetowers.CarleewasdatingTraviswhowas

eighteenatthetime,soshejustwentupandkissedhim.Iwasmoreshybutnottooshy

soigaveJoshashyhug.Ididntfeeltoobadaboutflirtingwithmyfriendsboyfriend

becauseshehadattemptedtotakemineamonthorsoback.Afterawhilewesplitinto

twoseparatecouplesandisatonJoshslapandtalkedwithhimaboutsomenonsense

whilecarleemadeoutwithTravisunderneathsomewoodentower.

Eventuallyafewhourswentbysoweknewweweregonnahavetotakeoff

soon.

Bouttimetagodontchathink?IaskedCarleelookingtowardsthetower.She

emergedsilentlystillholdingTravisshandwithastrangesmirkonherface.Ididntask

becauseiwassurethatididntwanttoknow.Aswemadeourway,ifeltatinglyexcited

feelinginmychest.Iwasbeingdisobedient.Theadrenalineincreasedasireached

almosttheendofthebridgewhenJoshgrabbedmyhandandgavemeakissonthe

lips.itwassounexpectedthatijuststoodthereforasecondbeforekissinghimback,

whatevermoralsihadatfirsthaddisappearedthesecondhislipstouchedmine.

Whenipulledbackiheardagasp.Myheadturnedtowardsthedirectionwe

werewalkingandtherestoodmymother.Icouldtellfromthewayshewasstanding

andhowherfistswereclenchedthatshewasflaming.

ArizonaHopeCarrigan!shescreamedpointingatme.Myadrenalinewasat

onehundredpercentnowasiwalkedtowardsher.Manyinappropriatewordscameout

ofhermouth,theentirewalkhome.Icouldtellshewasdisappointed,butididntcare

toomuch.Imeansheleftmesowhyshouldicare?shedrankandmadeitsomylife

couldntbenormal.Asitrudgedhomeafterher,ifelttheangerswellupinsideofme.

Howcouldshedisciplinedme?shesbackforayearortwoofmylifeandnowthinks

shecanruleit?

Thedoorslammedagainstthedoorframesohardiwassurethatitwasgoingto

falloffofitshinges.

howdareyoulietomelikethat!sheyelledlookingatmeasifihadmurdered

ourcatorsomething.Isaidnothing,ijustlookedather,ihadnoremorse.Aftera

minuteortwoshejustsentmetomyroom.whereipretendedtobesorry.Carleesat

therewithme,wesaidnothingforalongtime.Finallyicouldtellshegotupthenerveto

askthequestionwewerebothwondering

Howmuchtroubledoyouthinkwearein?

Imnotsure,IdoubtshesthatmadIsaidemphasizingthat.

Turnsoutiwasgroundedfortherestoftheday.OhNo!Anotherfunnyyet

horriblethingwedidwasmuchlaterinthesummer,aboutaugust.Itwashot,Imnot

talkinglikeohitsninetydegreeshot,butlikeninetydegreeswithhumidityhot.Carlee,

Danielle,Kaylaandiallsatoutsideonthefrontporchtryingtonotmovetoofastforthe

fearofsweatingtodeath.Theboyswerevisitingusandalllookedlikesweatypigs.

Kaleb,Cody,VirgilandTravisallsatnearusspeakingaboutalcohol,becausethey

thoughtitwasjusttheneatestthingtohaveeverbeencreated.Aftertheconversation

hadrunitscycleoneofthempoppedupanidea.Howaboutweallgojumpintothe

grandriversinceKalebsgrandmasisrightontheedgeofit.Iknewmymotherwouldnt

approve.Soididntask.IjusttoldherweweregoingtoKalebs.

Theheatwasseriouslyfryingus.Atfirstwejuststuckourfeetin,notpayingtoo

muchattentiontohowdirtyitwas.ButwedidntstaylikethatforlongbecauseKaleb

thoughtitwouldbefunnytopushKaylaintotheriver,whichitwas.Shescreamedright

beforeherheadwasunderneaththewater.WithouthesitationDanielle,Carleeandiall

jumpedinafterher,becausewhenyoureyoungyouronlythoughtsarewhynot?The

waterwasaverysweetreleasefromallofthesweatingandhumidity.Thatsummeris

thehottestsummericanremember.

Afterthatwewouldjustclimbbackupandholdhandsandjumpin.Butonour

tenthortwelfthtimemymothercameoutside.Itplaysinmyheadjustlikeamoviewhen

ithinkaboutusgettingcaught,wewerepreparingourselvestojumpin,wheniheard

mymothersroar.

Girls!whatthehelldoyouthinkyouredoing?Fearstruckmelikeaslaptothe

face.Ilookedatmybestfriends,allthreeofthemandweknewwehadtojumpinone

lasttime,causecmonwewerealreadycaught.Sowedid,weleptintothewaterand

feltitscold,relaxinganddeephandsclutchusonemoretimebeforewehadtogo

meetmydragonofamother.Whenwegotintothehouseshejustyelledabouthow

disappointedshewasandhowoneofuscouldvegottenhurtanditwouldvebeenher

fault.Ipretendtofeelguiltyandapologized.ididntgetgrounded.

Amomentwhenireallyrememberfeelingproudofmymotherwaswhenmy

grandmaJeaniewasover.MygrandmaJeaniewasinherearlysixtiesandshewas

toned.Sheworkedeverydayofherlife.sheisalsoaddictedtopainmeds.Shedecided

thatmymotherneededhelpwiththehouseandcameovertohelp,withoutpermissioni

mustadd.Shebasicallyjustappearedonedayunannounced.Shewouldcleanandeat

icecream.thoseweretheonlytwoactionsireallywitnessedherdoing.Otherthan

smokingofcourse.oftenhersmokewouldfilluptheentirelivingroomandiwouldhave

tomakeaquickexitbeforeitconsumedmealso.Dontgetmewrong,ilovemy

grandmaJeaniebutherhabitshavealwaysdisgustedme.Whywouldsomeone

voluntarilyputthemselvesinharm'swaytolookcoolandsmelllikesmoke?

Onedayiputonmyfavoritebluestripedtop,thatwasabitlowcutand

continuedgettingreadyformydayforteenagerism.Afterihadputmyfaceonand

brushedmyhair,Iwalkedintothekitchenlookingforsomethingtastybutnotnutritious

toeat.Mygrandmajeaniestoodinthekitchenherbackturnedfromme,washingthe

dishesinthesmallsink.ifinallydecidedsometoastwoulddoandstartedmakingit.

Whenshefinallyturnedthefaucetoff,sheturnedtowardsmewhileshedriedher

hands.Iwaspayinglittleattentiontoherandmoretomysmallbreakfast.Asirippedoff

thecrustofthebreadinoticedherscanningmeupanddown.Istoppedwhatiwas

doingandlookedather,waitingforhertocommentonmytop.

YoulooklikeahoeArizonashehadsaidmatteroffactly.Icouldfeelmy

cheeksburning.Howdareshesaysuchathingtome?howrudecansheget?Ididnt

sayinganythingatfirstbecauseifeltthecloginmythroatwherethewordsshouldcome

outandididntwanttocryinfrontofher.Butafterthatpassedilookedupatherwith

furyinmyeyesandsaidintherudesttoneicouldmuster

Idontcare,nowshutupicouldtellthatwasnttheresponseshewasexpecting

ortheoneshewanted,buthonestlyicouldcareless.Iknewwhatwascomingnexti

wasgoingtogetalectureonhowiamadisobedient,careless,ungratefulchild.And

that'swhatigot.thewholetimeihatedher.Iwishedshedjustgobackhome.i

wonderedwhymymotherwouldletthisdevilladyintoourhouse.Eventuallyirantomy

roombecauseifeltthetearswellupinmyeyesandicouldntbarethethoughtofher

seeingandprobablyenjoyingmytears.Afterawhileiheardthefrontdooropenand

shut,iwashopingitwasherleaving.Butiknewthefootstepsinsidethehousealittle

toowell.theyweremymothers.

Shecameintomyroom,likeshedideverytimeafteroneofherwalks.Iknew

shecouldtellsomethingwaswrongbythewayiwasjustthrownonmybed.

whatwronghoney?shehadsaidinthatsympathetictoneofhers.Ididntwant

totellher,becausemaybeshethoughtilookedtrashytoo.butagainstmyteenage

instinctsitoldher.

GrandmaJeaniesaidiwaslookedlikeahoeHersmilewentstraighttoascowl

inlessthanfiveseconds.Icouldtellthisupsether,becauseherfaceturnedredjust

likeminedidwheniwasangry.

whywouldshedothat?sheaskedveryseriouslynow.

BecauseofmyshirtIrespondedsadlylookingdownatthegroundforfearthati

wouldcryagain.

Mom!sheyelledstompingoutofmyroomandslammingthedoorbehindme.

Shewasfurious.IheardgrandmaJeaniefromdownstairsrespond.thenforamomenti

heardnothingbutfootstepswhichimsurewasmygrandmotherclimbingthestairs.

whatAngel?shehadsaidcalmly.

didyouordidyounotcallmydaughterahoe?sheaskedicily.

Ididnot.isaidshelookedlikeahoeJeanieansweredhonestly.

ohcausethatmakesitsomuchbetter!shestartedtoyellagain.anditwenton

likethatforabouthalfanhourbeforeeverythinggotquiet.Suddenlyiheardfootsteps

approachmydoor.thenasmallrasponitswoodensurfacebeforeisawmy

grandmothercomingintoapologize.Ipretendedtoaccepttheapology.Butididnthow

couldijustletsomethinglikethatgo?Thatdayiwassoproudofmymotherfor

defendingmelikeshedid.

Butsometimesmymotherwouldgoabithaywire.Shewoulddothingsoutof

fearformethatwereabitdrastic.Icanrecallonenightitwasatanalltimehigh.Carlee

andiwassittingdowninmybrotherroom,becausehewasnthome.Wedecideditwas

agoodtimetowatchamovie.Soweputoneinandsatdownonmybrotherbed.after

awhilemymomstoppedbytocheckonusandmakesureeverythingwasdandywhich

itwas.Themichiganpaintedbedroomhadbegantorunitscourseasyoucouldtell

withallofthewritingonthewalls.Whenwewereabouthalfwaythroughthemoviemy

mothercameflyinginlikeabatouttahellandyelled

Wherearethey?iknowtheyarehere!Carleeandibothwerequiteconfused

andjuststaredatherquestionably.Shehadacrazylookinhereyeslikearapidanimal.

whereiswho?iaskedlookingather.

theboys!iknowyouvebeenseeingthemlateatnightSheyelledevenmore

angrynow.Wehadbeentalkingtotheboysoutsideourwindowslateatnightbut

tonightwasnotoneofthosenights.

momidontknowwhatyouaretalkingaboutisaidcoveringupourtracks

carefully.

theycometothewindowArizona!youtalktotheminthemiddleofthenight!i

hearyouguysspeakingandopeningandclosingthewindow!shesaidlookingatme

spitefully.

momtherearenoboysoutthewindowisaidtryingtocalmherdown,because

afterallitwasthetruth.Withthatsheleft,buticouldtellshewouldbeback.Carleeand

ikindofgiggledbecauseitseemedabithystericaltohaveyourmotheractinglikea

madwomanoversomeinvisibleboys.

Afteraminuteortwowentbyshereappearedwithguninhand.Ijumpedalittle

notexpectingmymothertobecarryingaglockaroundwithher.Thistimesheyelledto

nooneinparticular

Whoeverisoutthereihaveagunandyouneedtoleavemylittlegirlsalonei

canandwillgetyouarrested,iamnotafraidofyoubutyoushouldbeafraidofmeI

laughedatthis,icouldntcontainmylaughter.whatinthehellwasgoingon?Hadshe

gonecompletelybonkers?Afteraminuteofsilenceshelookedatmeagain.

MomyouretrippingballsIlaughedsohardatthiswhilecarleealmost

hyperventilatedbecauseofwhathadjusthappenedandwhatihadsaid.

Alrightimtrippinballssherespondedquietlyandwiththatshelefttheroom.

whenilookbackonthatmemoryistilllaugh.itjustseemssoridiculous.

Themainmemory,andprettymuchonlythingthathasreallyleftanimpactinmy

lifeisJay.Jaywasaboy,hewaseighteenliketravis.ButTraviswasfoolish,sillyreally.

ButJaywassmart,calmandcaring.Hedidntcomearoundmuchbutwhenhedidhe

wasalwaysfixatedonme.Everyonelovedhiminthatgroup,theythoughthewas

matureandcool.Oftentimeswhenthewholegangwastogetheriwouldcatchhim

staringatme,notsexuallybutjustlikehewaslookingatapainting.Hewasalways

funny,hewouldsaythingsthatcouldcrackmeuptothepointwhereicouldntbreathe.

Ilikedhim,iwontdenythat.

Butiknewthatinallrealitywehadnochance.Hewastooold.buticouldnthelp

myselffromdreamingabouthim.Hismediumlengthdirtyblondehair,hislightgreen

eyesthathedsometimesusetowinkatme.Hewasalwayssodreamy.Hissmilecould

captivatemeforhours.Buteverytimeiletmyselfthinkthesethoughts,iwouldremind

myselfthatitcouldnthappen.thatditdbewrong.andsocietywouldlookdownupon

us.

Butonedayweendedupalone.ihonestlycannotrecallwhy.Wewerestanding

outside.myfriendswereinsideofmysmallhouse.Icannotrecallwhatweweretalking

abouteither.Notthatitreallymatters.Allirememberwasiwasstandingonthestepsof

mymotherporchandheleanedinandkissedme.notlikeagentlekiss,morelikea

veryaggressivekissthatmeltedintosomethingmoredeep.Icouldntholdbackmy

surpriseandexcitementaswepulledaway.

Imsorry,ijusthadtoHehadsaid.iknewexactlywhathewassayingthe

chemistrywasthere.everyinchofmewantedtopullhiminandtokisshimagain.buti

knewbydoingthatitwouldcausealotoftrouble,soididnt.Wedidtextalotafterthat,

sendingsweetthingsandsillypictures.Hewasagreatguy,buthewasnttheguyfor

me.

Thatsummerseemedtolastforever.Whenirememberitinmyminditseemed

likeayearinthreemonths.Itwasbeautiful,confusingandeyeopening.Thatentire

summermymotherwaythereforme.sheneverletmedown.sheprotectedme,she

defendedmeandshetaughtmemanyvaluablelessons.

Astheleavesturnedtheirgloriousfallcolors,andthewindbegantoblow,

everythingchanged.Carleehadgottenpregnantandwasprettymuchtoobusyforme

oranyoneelse,soilosther.Jaywasgoneagain,Travismovedaway,Kaylamoved,

andKatelynwasgoingtoschoolaswasi.Mygrandparentsforcedmetomoveintomy

myfathers,whichtheywouldlaterregret.Iwasunhappythereandmissedmymother

constantly.Buteventuallyigotintotheflowthere.Butsomenightswhentheloneliness

wouldconsumemeiwouldbreakdownandcallher.Shewouldalwaysanswerandtry

herbesttocomfortme.Sometimesitwouldwork,andsometimesiwouldpretendit

worked.theruleswereverydifferentatmyfatherscomparedtomymothersandmy

grandparents.

Iwasnotallowedtonapduringtheday,icouldnotwearsunglassesoutside,i

hadchoreseverynightandiwasonlyallowedtoleaveforonehourperday.nowi

understandthattheywerejusttryingtodowhattheythoughtwasbest,buttomeitwas

hell.Ifeltasifallofmyfreedomwasbeingstripedoffofme.Icouldnthelpbutdespise

myfatherandmystepmother.Ifeltlikeastrangerinmyownhome.iknewthatididnot

belongthere.Iwantedtobeanywhereelsemostnights.

Whentherainturnedtosnow,andcoatsweremandatoryiheardofanewman

inmymotherlife.shehadbeensingleforaboutsevenmonthssoiwassurprisedwhen

shecalledandtoldmeabouthowshemetaniceguyandiwouldlikehim.Hisname

waslonnie,andshehadmethimthroughsomefriends.Sosinceiwentovertovisither

andmygrandparentsontheweekendsiagreedtomeethim.Iwasbeyondnervous

aboutthisnewguy,becausenewguysalmostalwaysmeanttrouble.

Oneofthefirsttimesihadeverbeenaroundlonnieihadwalkedintomymothers

smellyhouseandtriedexplainingtoherthatineededhertocallmygrandparentsso

thatshecouldexplainthatiwasstayingatherhouse.Butinsteadofunderstandingshe

wassodrunk,thatshethoughtisaidthatihadstayedataboyshousethenightbefore

andineededhertolieforme.Shestartedtoyellabouthowiwashorribleithatwe

weregoingtohavealongtalk.Iwassoconfused.Whatthehellwasshetalkingabout?

Eventuallyshetoldmetogolaydown.Thatpissedmeoff,ifeltalloftheangerswellup

intomychest.Howdareshe?No!igaveheradirtylookandsaidsomehorriblethings

abouthowicouldbeabettermotherandiwasthirteen!Shelookedconfusedandangry

butiwasdonetakinghercrap.Iranoutofthehousewithoutmyshoesonandontothe

pavementwhichscratchedmyfeetasisprinted.Mygrandparentsonlylivedablock

awaysoijustranasfastasicouldhomesinceitwasgettingdark.Whenigothomei

explainedwhathappenedandlistenedasmygrandmotherasshetriedtoexplainitto

me.Butnoididntneedanexplanation!Iunderstandthatsheissick.Butididntwantto

hearitfrommygrandmother,becausenoonecouldunderstandthepainifeltinthe

deepestareaofmyheart.

Wheniopenedthedoortothehouseitsmelledofsmokeandalcohol.Iheld

backmyangerasisawmymothersittingonthecouchwithlonnie,shelookedterrible.

Herhairwasamess,hermakeupwassmearedandshewasverytipsy.Lonniewasan

olderman,helookedaboutlatefifties,hishairplatinumblonde,hiseyesreflectedthe

ocean.Buticouldntstandtolookathim.Iblamedhimformymother'sbehavior.She

wasafool,shedidntknowanybetter.thesearethethingsitellmyselfatnightsothati

cansleep.Butinallreality,sheisselfish.

Allofherwordswereslurredandallicouldrememberwasleavingasquicklyasi

couldbeforeibecamestupidlikethem.

Afterthatmymotherwascareless.shedidntthinkaboutmeormysiblings.she

wouldcall,butthatwasjustsoshecouldpretendshereallygavearatsassaboutus.

Whenthesnowstartedtomeltofftheplants,shedissapeared.Withoutnotice

shejustleft.Shedidntpickupherthings,shejustdecidedthatnowwasatimeto

vacationfromtheroughlifeofadrunk,unemployedmother.Iknewwhyshehadleft,

shewasgettingskinnierandskinnierandthereisusuallyonlyonecauseforthat.Meth.

ihatetheword.Ihatethewayitmakesmefeelwhenithinkaboutit.Ihatethepeople

whosellit,makeitandtakeit.Themoreithinkaboutitthemorebitteriget.

OnedayDaniandiwerewalkingbymymotherhouse,knowingshewasntthere

wheniheardayap.thereisnowaythatsheleftPreciousinthere.Butindeedthere

was.shehadleftthepooranimalintherebyitself.surestonewasoccasionallythere

butitwasrare,hehadmoreimportantthingstodo.Soikeptwalkingforaminute

lookingformyboys.JoshandRyan.Ryanwasapudgierguy,butwegotalongquite

well.

Ryanwillyoupleaseboostjoshintomybathroomwindow?ibegged.Ofcourse

theyagreed.Soonenoughjoshwasinthebathtubwithacrash.Iheardprecious

yappinginexcitementasjoshunlockedthedoorforme.Itookheroutpottyandfedher,

thenihadtoleaveherandicriedabit.butihandleditthebesticouldasayoungteen.

Whilemymotherwasgoneandiwonderedwhereshewas,iwouldoccasionally

bringStoneovergroceries,sothathedidntstarve.Didsheevenfeelbadforleaving?

didsheeventhinkaboutmeanymore?

Sometimesmyfriendswouldaskmeabouther.Questionslikewhereisshe?

whydsheleave?Isshecomingback?.Ihatedthesequestionsbecauseforeach

onetheanswerwasallthesame.Idontknow.Eventuallyisortofjustleftherbehind.i

stoppedthinkingofherasmymotherandstartedtothinkofherasthewomanwho

birthedme,notthewomanwhoraisedme.

Whentheflowersbegantobloomandthesunwasbecominghotagain,she

appeared.shewasback,notintownbutbackinMichigan.Whenisawhermyeyes

wentwideandmymouthwasleftagapewithshock.Shewasveryskinny,shelooked

asifshehadnteateninweeks.Theoutfitsheworemadeherlooklikeatwocent

hooker.shewaswearingatubetopthatshowedthetopofherbreasts(whichshe

didnthave)andsheworeshortsthatshowedthebottomofherbuttcheeks.Iwas

ashamedtosaytheleast.Shelookedlikeateenagerwithnomothertotellherwhatto

wear.Evenicoveredupmorethanthat.

Shehuggedmeandapologized.Ilistenedtoherbutididntbelieve.Shesaid

thatitwasamistake,amomentarymistake.Moment?itwasamonth.shelefther

familyforsomestrangeman,andwenttogodknowswhereforamonthandsaysthat

itwasamomentarymistake!Ididntfeelguiltyfordislikingheranylonger.shehadno

careforanyonebutherself.andthistimeiunderstood.Shemissedmybirthday.

Sometimesshewouldcall,andiwouldtalktoherandpretendlikeeverything

wasnormal,butitwasnt.Ipretendedtobeokay.Iwaslyingeverytimeisaidiwas

feelingfineorthatiwasjusttired.Inallrealityiwasbreakingdownfromallthepainshe

hadcausedme.

Afterschoolwasout,iwasstillbeingtroublebutiwaslesscareless.manytimes

inmylifeihavewonderedwhatmademesostrong.inwaysitwasmymother.ata

youngageihadtoacceptthatnotalladultsactedlikeresponsibleadults.Whichledme

totheconclusionthatnooneisperfect,notevenI.Ispentmostofthesummeratmy

grandparents,withmycousin.Weconstantlyhadboysoverandwewerealways

thinkingupsomethingnewandexcitingtodo.

MybestfriendatthetimewasRyan,hewasaboutfivefootthreeandmaybetwo

hundredandtwentypounds.Hewashilariousandwebasicallyspenteveryday

together.Helikedmeandiknewthat.Butididntknowhowmuchhelikedmeuntilone

dayaswewerepartinghehandedmeanote.ItsaidArizonaiminlovewithyoui

wasstartledandafraid.Howcouldhehavesuchastrongemotionwheniwouldrarely

speakwithhimaboutanythingelseotherthanboysandclothes?Therewasalsoa

heartandinsideoftheheartwasblood.ihadneverbeensoscaredinmyentirelife.

Whywouldhecuthisownfleshandleavehisbloodonpaperforme?doilooklikea

vampireorsomebloodthirstymaniac?Whenitalkedtohimnextiendedthefriendship

becauseitwasjusttoostrangeandcreepy.

AfterawhilemymothermovedinwithLonnie.InNashvilleourhometown.Itwas

ahousehedownedforawhile.buttheyweregoingthroughcourtthingsandsuchsoi

didntvisitmuch.Ibegantomissmymomquiteabit.Imissedhavinganotsomature

adulttogetinputfrom.

Aroundthatsummeriswhenistartedtovisitmymotheralmostconstantly.Once

schoolwasoutipracticallylivedthere.Butitwasntbecauseofmymotherthatidid

that.Therewasaboytwohousesdown,HisnamewasDonavan.Hewasprettycute,

andreallyfunny.Hewasonlyayearmyjuniorandafteralotofflirtingandalotofhugs,

weweredating.Oftennightsiwouldfindmyselfsleepingoverathishouse.Hewasmy

comfortfrommymother.sometimesmymotherwouldbesoberandothertimesshe

wouldbebelligerentlydrunk.Whenshewasbeingignoranthewouldjusttakemeinhis

armsandtellmeeverythingwasgoingtobeokay.Hewasquiteahandsomecreature.

Donavanwasalwaystan.nomatterwhattimeofyear.HehadHazeleyesandasmile

thatcouldmakeyourdaybetter.Whichformeitalwaysdid.

Lonniecamehomerightafteristartedstayingtheremore.Sooftentimesi

stayedatDonavanstoescapemystepfather.Itwasntthathewashorribletomeor

mymotheritwasthaticouldntforgivehimforlettinghergetthisway.

Everytimeithinkofthatsummeritisutterlybittersweet.Oneofthefondest

memoriesihavefromthatsummerwasoneearlymorning.Juneeighteenthtobeexact.

Wewerelayingnexttoeachotheranditwaslatemorningandikindofsmiledathim.

Helookedatmeandsmiledback.Thatwasthemorningthatiaskedhimtobemy

boyfriend.iwassonervousbutexcitedallatthesametime.

Youngloveusuallyhasthemosttragicendings.idontrememberwhereiheard

thatbutihavealwaysfoundittobetrue.Hewasmyfirstlove,andintheendittoreme

apart.iwasmovingandwouldnolongerhaveanytimeforhim.Ifeltsicktomystomach

whenitoldhim.Hewasupsetbutknewitwasthebestthingforbothofus.Somenights

iwouldnotbeabletosleepbecausethetearswereconsumingallofme.Alotofpeople

saythatteenagersdontknowwhatloveis.Andthosepeoplearewrong.becausei

lovedhimenoughtolethimgo.whichismorethanwhaticansayformostadults.

Whenthishappenedistoppedcomingaroundmymother'sIstayedawayformonths.

Shewouldalwayscallandsayhowshemissedmeandhowshelovedme.surei

missedherbutgoingbacktherewouldmakeitharderformetogetoverhim.soididnt.

Thenextyearflewbylikenothing.thenextsummerispentinNebraskawithmy

auntLorna.Shewasaverygoodinfluenceonme.Shetreatedmewiththeutmost

respectandexpectedadultresultsoutofme.eventhoughsometimesiwouldcomplain

abouthowstrictshewasorhowiwantedmorefreedom,shereallywasdoingwhat

wasbestforme.Nebraskaisnothinglikeyouexpect.Itisnotallflatlandand

tumbleweeds.IwaslivinginanicelittlesuburbrightoffofOmaha.Iworkedwithher

therecleaningwealthypeopleshouses.Ididntmindtoomuchbecauseitgaveme

greatexperience.Oftenmorningsiwouldwakeuptoherstandingtherewithherspiked

redhairtellingmetoriseandshinebecausewehadworktodo.Thatsummerwas

definitelyoneofmyfavorites.InNebraskaijoinedayouthgroup.Theyouthgroup

helpedmetopushthroughalotofmyproblems.LikeNathan.Nathanwasmyboyfriend

thatihadbeendatingsinceseptemberthepastyear.Hewasmediumheight,his

blondehairreachedhisshouldersandhisbluegrayeyeswerestunning.Buttherewas

onerealproblem,hewasamanipulator.

Nathanwasthesortofguytomakeyoufeelbadforgettingmadatsomethinghe

did.andforawhileireallydidfallforit.butithinkinallrealitythereasonididntleave

wasbecauseididntwanttobealone.Itwasunhealthybutiwasntsurehowtoendit.

Howdoyouonedayjustdecidedtotellsomeonethatanystrandofemotionyouhad

leftforthemhasleft?Whenifinallydidbreakupwithnathanididntfeelhorrible,ifelta

largeweightbeingliftedoffofmychest.

Afterigotbackfrommysummertripiwasdifferent.Ifeltaneedtobe

productive.SoinFebruaryof2013ibegantolookforajob.Ihadseenmymother

aboutthreetimessinceihadleftforNebraskaatthistime.Ididntwanttoenduplike

her,allbeatenupanddrunk.iwantedtobesuccessful.Soistartedthelongprocessof

lookingforajob.ifilledoutmanyapplicationsandwaited.Onedayifilledoneoutfora

shoestoreinLansing.

Abouttwohourslaterigotaphonecallsayingthatihadaninterview.whenitold

Ashleyshetooappliedandgotaninterview.whichmademeabitannoyedbecause

thatwasmymomentnothers.butididntsayaword.

TheInterviewswerenervewreckingbutwemustvedonewellbecausewegot

thejobs!weworkeddiligently.WehadthreemanagersJarrod,David,andCourtney.

Courtneycaughtmyattention.Shewasveryfunny.Herhairwaslong,pasther

shouldersandshehadoceanblueeyes.Herteethwereperfect.Shewashilarious.no

matterwhatshesaiditwasalwaysfunny.Iadmiredher.Aroundthistimeistarted

datingDavid,whichintheendwasaverybigmistake.Hepretendedtocare,butinall

realityhejustwantedonething.

AroundthattimemymotherhadtextedmeandsaidthatshethoughtthatLonnie

wasonmethagain.Itshockedandhurtmeinadifferentwaythenihadeverbeenhurt

before.Hewillingwasscrewingupmymother'slifeanddidntgiveadamn.Whenitold

davidhisonlyresponsewas:

AtLeastyourmomisntdoingitthat'swheniknewitwasover.Hehadno

sympathyformeandonlycaredforhimself,anditwasmyfaultfortrustinghim.Ihadlet

myselftrustthisguy,ihadlethimin.Allhesawwasthebadpartsofme,theanger,the

selfishnessandthesensitivity.Hemademefeellikeiwasnothing.Whenitexted

Courtneyshefeltbad.icouldtell.

Irememberspendingmanylatemaydaysandearlyjunedaystextingher.

Tellingherhowbeautifulandworthfulshewas.eventuallyonedayshegotthehintand

sheaskedthequestionihadnotexpected

Areyoustraight?Iatfirstplayedaroundthequestion,afraidshewasstraight

andwouldrealizedthatiwascrushingonher.Buteventuallysheguessedit.Sheasked

Areyoubisexual?andmyanswerwastheobviousone,yes.Theniaskedher

thesamequestionandgotthesameanswer.Shesaidwecouldntdatebecauseof

reasons,butipersisted.Iwantedherasmyownandiwasntgoingtogiveupuntilihad

herasmyown.Andforawhilewejusttalkedflirtedandsnapchatted.Butthenoneday

shecametomyworkasiwasclosingandwestoodthereforagoodtwohourstalking

aboutnothingandeverything.Iwantedsobadlytojustrunmyfingersthroughherhair

andkissher.Butitwasntthatsimple.ihadtowait,untilthemomentwasright.

SheinvitedmetoherapartmentwheniwenttopickupAshleyfromwork.I

acceptedtheinvitationbecauseiwasfartoocurioustolettheopportunityslip.Wheni

gottherewewentstraightintoherclosetsizedbedroom.Iimmediatelystarfishedonto

herbed.Shelaughedandaskedifiwasgoingtomakeanyroomforherandiobliged.

Atfirstwejustcuddled,andeverysingleinchofmywastingling.Ifeltasifihadbeen

hitwithlightening.whatwasgoingon?Finallyshelookedatmeandilookedatherand

wekissed.itwasthemostdeepkissihadeverexperience.likesomesortofbeautiful

thingthatyouknownooneelsecanseethewayyoudo.

WhenihadtoleavehertogogetAshleyiwassadbecausealliwantedtodo

wasbeinherarms.Iwantedtolaythereforeverinthepeacethathadbecomeus.But

sadlyrealityintervenedlikeitalwaysdoes.

Ihadalottothinkaboutiwassoexcitedbutabsolutelyterrifiedatthesame

time,thisisexactlywhatlifeisabout.AfterthatCourtneyicontinuedtotextconstantly,

andfalldeeperintoourrelationship.Buttheworldgotinthewayagainwhileiwasat

work.Davidrandomlygrabbedmeandkissedme.Iwassomad.Howcouldhedothat

tome?howcouldhemakemefeelthosethings?

Rightaroundthistimeiwaswalkingdowntownwithmymother,aboutaweek

later.AndwewereheadedtowardsthestoredowntownNashville.Shewasramblingon

andonaboutsomemeaninglessdramawithLonnieandhisdaughtersaboutwhichit

seemswasanendlesswar.Myphonebeepedandicheckeditcuriously.

OhitsjustthisgirlthatidatedIhadsaidcheckingherreaction.Atfirstshe

saidnothingandjustkeptwalkingnexttome.Thensheflipped.

Whatdoyoumeanagirlyoudated?sheyelledstoppinginmidstride.

ImeanexactlywhatisaidIrepliedsharply.Shewasquiteupsetaboutthis.but

sheseemedhappythatitwasover.Ididnthavethehearttotellherthatitwasntreally

over.becauseifeltallofrawemotionsfromthemessageshesentme.Imissedher,i

missedhersmile.Iwentbacktoheragain.Butthistimeiwasafraid.Whatifshehurt

me?whatifshepretendedtocareandjustrippedmyheartoutandleftmefordead?

Howcanitrustanyoneafterallofthethingsihavebeenthroughwiththis?

ButonAugust27thireceivedapackageinthemail.Inthispackagewasasix

pageletterandaCDcontainingsomesongs.Ireadthelettersandtearsstartedtoflow

frommyeyes.theywerethemostbeautifulwordsihadeverread.Ifinallyknewthat

whatshesaidshefeltformeitwastrue!shedidloveme.Iletallofmyemotions

throughthistime.andallofmestartedtofeelrelieved.Itextedherandtoldherhow

muchthatlettermeanttome.Iaskedhertobemygirlfriendthatdayandsheagreed.I

smiledfortherestoftheweek.Thatbeautiful,pale,blueeyed,brunettegirlwiththe

beautifulwordswasmine,whatmorecouldiaskfor?

InthemeantimemymotherandLonniesplitbecauseshehadfinallybeenable

toacceptthatLonniewasbackintomethandsheknewshecouldntlivelikethatagain.

sonowshewaslivingwithanoldfamilyfriend,butquicklyshefoundanotherman.

Becauseasthestoryshowshereshedoesntfarewellwithoutamanbyherside.His

namewasbill.ManyrumorswentaroundNashvilleofhowmymotherleftLonniefor

Bill.Ididntknowifitwastruebutididntfeeltheneedtoaskeither.

Astimehaswentonwehaveonlygottencloserandihaveworkedthroughmy

trustissues.Onecoldnovembermorningidecidedtogowatchthestatevs.Ohiostate

gameatmymothers.SoidroveallthewaytoDurand.Mymotherhadalreadybeen

drinkingalittlebythetimeigotthere.Thehousewasoldandalwayssmelledlike

smokeandoldfurniture.Thewoodenfloorswerechippedupandthewallsalltinteda

oldershadethantheyoriginallywere.Mydogwasthere.Hernamewasprecious.Small

bostonterrieraboutthesizeoftwoloavesofbread.

Iwasuncomfortabletosaytheleast.Ididntwanttobethere.Butialsodidnt

wanttohurtmymothersoileftitalone.Weallbondedandspokeaboutdifferentthings

andlaughed.MymotherwascomfortablewiththeideaofCourtneynowsosheasked

aboutherandsaidsomethingthatmademesmile.

IthinkCourtneymightbethebestpersonyouvedatedIgrinnedsohardthat

mycheekshurt.Iwaspleasedwiththis.Lateronmymothertoldmethatshewasgoing

toplaycardswithBillandhisfriendsandthatshewouldbebackinacoupleofhours.I

knewthatprobablywasntthetimeframebutipretendedtobelieveher.

Iwascorrect.Shewasgonesolatethatiwenttosleepafterwatchinga

devastatinglosstoOhiostateandshestillwasnthome.

Iwoketomymotherinmyfacesmellingofcigarettesandalcohol.Ilookedather

andpretendedtonotbeangry.

Sorrytowakeyouiwasjustsayinggoodnight.Maniamsomadandwiththati

pretendedtogobacktosleep.Butididntilistenedasshewentintothekitchenand

startedrantinginthekitchenabouthowBillhaddrovehometwoblocksdrunk.

Ishouldgowakehimup!sheyelledatAlexus,Billsfifteenyearolddaughter.I

couldfeeltheangerstarttoswellupinsideofme.Whycantthingsjustbenormal?why

wouldshesaythosehorriblethingsaboutBilltohisdaughter?doesshehaveany

senseatall?Icouldfeelthepanicrisinginmychest.Iwasshakingandicouldntfocus

onsleepanylonger.

Iwalkedoutthereandlookedattheruinsthatusetobemymother.Iwasmore

ashamedinthismomentofmymotherthanihadeverbeen.Shestoodtheredrunkenly

swingingherarmsaround.Herbrownhairwaspulledintoalooseponytail.Herhazel

eyes(thesameasmybrothers)werebloodshotfromalloftheanger.

ineedtogo.isaidsittingdown.Atthistimeitwasaboutonethirtyinthe

morningandicouldntcalldown.

whatdoyoumean?sheaskedasifihadsaidsomesortofpuzzlingriddle.

icantstayhererightnow,it'stoomuchformeihadreplied.Shebeggedand

beggedformetostay,formetowaituntilmorninglight,butnoteventhatwastolerable

forme.Ihadtobebackwithmysanity,withmyration,withCourtney.Eventuallyi

convincedhertoletmegoandthateverythingwouldbefine.SheaskedforCourtneys

numberandideclined,tellingherthatididnttrustthatshewouldntjustharassher.

Shesaidshewouldntbutididntbelieveher.

Afterisaidmygoodbyesandwatchedhercryontheporchasidroveawayfrom

onedarknessandintothenext,igotacallfromCourtney.Mymotherhadmessaged

heronfacebookandaskedherforhernumberorsomethinglikethat.Ifeltto

embarrassedandjustsoangry!Howdareshemesswiththelifeihavecreatedfor

myself?itisnoteasytolookweakinanotherpersonseyes.

WhenigotbacktoCourtneysicalledmymotherandpretendedeverythingwas

fine.Thatwhatialwaysseemtodoanyway.IwentuptoCourtneysroomandshejust

heldmewhileisaidnothing.Forawhileitwasjustlikethatandthenilookedoverto

hernightstandandsawallofthesnacks.irolledmyeyesandshookmyhead.Ohhow

sillyCourtneycanbeattimes.Shewasalwaysthereforme,andiwillforeverbe

gratefulforthat.

Ithurts,atfirstithurtsobadthatsometimesicouldntpictureherfacewithout

tearsstreamingdownmycheekslikeasaltyriver.Butnowitisasmallache.Youcan

neverfullyhealormoveonfromit.Thepersonthatwassupposedtobethereforyou

frombirthjustcaresaboutherself.Yesyoucanblameitontheillnessofalcoholismor

onherupbringingbutiknowdamnwelliwouldnevergiveuponmyown.That'swhyi

havestayedthroughallofherbullshit.That'swhyiwillneverfullywalkawayfromher.

Eventypingthistearsarefallingfrommyeyes.Ifithurtthenwhywouldyouwriteit?

youask.Becausenomatterwhatthepain,nomatterthejudgementofwhoeveris

readingthisthereisonethingyoucannotdeny.Itisreal.Ithurtsbecauseitmatters.As

muchasidliketopretendthatwhatshehasdonedoesntaffectme,itdoes.

Sometimesidothingsandtheyjustseemsoirrational.Soihavetotakeaminuteand

figureoutwhyimdoingwhatido.Usuallythereasonsarereactionsfrommypast

experiences.Sheleftmewithamentalscarthatiwillneverbeabletoerase.Buteven

thebadexperiencesmakeuswhoweare,whetherwelikeitornot.

Irarelyspeaktomymothernow.Ihavenoreasonto.Shehasaveryseparate

lifethanmine.Whatexactlywouldbethepointofinterminglingthoselivesintoone?as

historyhasshowninmylifeitwouldjustbealargemess.Iknowthisisntahappy

ending,butidontbelieveinhappyendings.Ibelieveincontemptendings.

Furthermore,iunderstandthatmynoveldidnotmeetthetenthousandword

requirement.ButalsoionlyhaveonesmallthingtotellyouMr.Bradley,imeanno

disrespectbythisbutnovelsarenotaboutquantitybutmoreaboutquality.Iputallof

myselfintothisnovel.Iexposedmyselfanddidnthideathing.Iletmyselfbe

vulnerabletoanyonewhodecidestoreadthis.Soifyouaskmeonmondaytoshow

youmyjournalyouwillfindnowritingaboutthis.Maybeyoullmarkmedown,sayi

couldvetriedharder,butiknowthatisnttrue.Imnotgoingtobeupsetwithyouor

judgeyouformarkingmedown,ijustdontbelieveinforcingmyselftowritemorewhen

ihavenothingelsetosay.Asmartmanonedaysaidthatsometimesthemost

powerfulmessagesarewroteinafewwords.Thisstorymightnotbeperfect,butits

mine.