Communicating Effectively through Conflict:
More listening, less taking turns talking…
Professor
Kelly Browe Olson
Communicating through Conflict:
It’s hard to hear someone you are in conflict with…we tune them out, think we know what they are going to say.
•Blocks to Listening
•Active Listening
•Positions & Interests
•Questioning
Communication
Conflict
Negotiation
Facilitation
Creativity
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93% is Non-Verbal
Communication
People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelo
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What are your biggest communication issues with clients or with opposing counsel?
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Talk amongst yourselves for 3 minutes, then I’ll ask for a
few examples.
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Steps to better communication
Establish trust Check for unfinished business
Listen carefully
• Communicate your intent to learn
• Watch your language
• Be aware of differences
Deal with Emotions
Learn Emotional Intelligence • Self Awareness
• Self Control
• Empathy
• Communication
• Conflict Resolution NM CLI COMMUNICATION JANUARY
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How Often Does This Happen?
Let’s sit down and talk about your case. I know you have been trying to reach me. Tell me what brings you here today.
[I wonder what her soon to be ex did now? I have so much to do, did I send that response? Who is picking the kids up today? Did I buy a present for that birthday party? What did she just say? Oh well she’ll probably repeat it.]
Well, first he called and said he would be late and then he yelled at me and then he said I wasn’t going to get any more money from him. Then he told me his new girlfriend was younger and prettier than me. I was so upset I didn’t know what to do and I tried to call you but you didn’t respond. So I called AT&T and cancelled both his and his girlfriend’s cell phone. That will show him not to mess with me… So it’s been quieter but I’m not sure that it’s better. When is our next hearing? What do you think I should do about the dog?
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“Most people do not listen with the intent to
understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Stephen R. Covey
"Most of the time we don't communicate, we just take
turns talking."
Dr. Robert Anthony
Effective Communication Requires Active Listening & Creativity
Blocks to Listening
Comparing: We compare ourselves to the person who is speaking and say, "I could do better than that." "He has no
idea what tough is." "I've had it much harder."
Mind Reading: We make assumptions and reach conclusions too quickly.
Rehearsing: Instead of listening, we practice what we are going to
say next.
Filtering: We listen to some things and not to others. We find out what we want to know then we stop listening. We hear that with which we agree and tune
out everything else.
Judging: We assign a label to a person and, therefore, pay little attention to what he says. We either dismiss him or feel we
know what he thinks because he falls into a specific "category" of
people.
Dreaming: This happens when something the speaker says triggers a chain of private
thoughts and we drift off in our minds.
Identifying: Something the speaker says causes us to
remember an experience of our own and we interrupt with our
story.
Advising: We hear a few sentences and quickly begin giving advice before we have
heard the whole story.
Sparring: We begin to argue before the speaker has
completed his thoughts because we disagree with something he
says.
Being Right: Convinced we have the answers, we are quick to
defend our position.
Derailing: We quickly change the subject or make a joke about
what is being said because we are bored or uncomfortable with
the topic.
Placating: We agree with anything the speaker says
because we want to appear nice and friendly. We want people to
like us.
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Analyze Your Pattern of Blocking
With whom do you find it hard to listen?
• What is it about these people that makes it harder to listen to them?
With whom do you find it easy to listen?
• What is it about these people that makes it easier to listen to them?
With whom do you do the most blocking?
Do certain people or situations trigger
blocking?
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Talk amongst yourselves
Listening Skills
People love to talk but hate to listen. Listening is not merely not talking … it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us.
― Alice Duer Miller (American poet/writer & suffragette)
“If we were supposed to talk more than listen we would have been given two mouths and one ear.” ― Mark Twain
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The Average Person
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Processes ≈ 1200 words a minute
Listens ≈ 450 words a minute
Speaks ≈ 125 words a minute
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LISTENING
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70% of the professional workday is
spent communicating
11% writing
15 % reading
32% talking
42-57% listening
Most people listen with only 25% efficiency
So about ½ our time is spent listening with ¼ efficiency
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Attorneys must proceed in a logical manner while addressing their clients’ needs.
Their information comes out in bits and pieces, it isn’t coherent and it isn’t logical.
Emotions cloud logical thought.
Under stress clients/colleagues are not in their normal mode, they are full of conflicting emotions.
Problem Solving requires logical thought.
COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY
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Active Listening
Listen to Understand
Why
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To validate the party speaking
To help the party hear what they are saying
To facilitate communication between you and the client
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Active Listening
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Listen for yourself, so you can reflect to the party speaking
AND
Listen for the party speaking, so he can help you understand
Who JANUARY
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Active Listening
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Listen to what is said and Not said
Observe nonverbal cues
Listen for facts and feelings
Listen for double messages
Listen for repetition
What JANUARY
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Active Listening
Look and act interested
Be open and receptive
Appropriate body language and eye contact
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HOW? Get off Automatic Pilot
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Active Listening
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ALWAYS
When
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Sometimes we have told our clients exactly what to do, but they didn’t really hear what we were saying
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Communicating with your Client
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• Asked your client what they want & what their goals are
• Explained the legal/agency process
• Explained the estimated timeline
• Described your role
• Explained the role of client
• Explained the role of the experts
• Discussed case strengths and weaknesses
Have you:
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Positions and Interests: Which is Which?
When clients ask you a question or make a statement
about what they want
•Are they stating positions or interests?
•What might they not be saying?
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A Position Statement:
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focuses on a particular solution
makes a demand
draws a line
sets up confrontation
before the problem has been clearly
defined
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Movement from Positions to Interests
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In other words…helping the clients to move toward interest-based problem solving as an alternative to the traditional (and more adversarial) negotiations.
Encourage your clients to move from fixed or established positions to mutual interests, issues,
and concerns.
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An Interest Statement:
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focuses on the problem
articulates one of a range
of needs
makes no valuations
establishes a common
language for discussion,
understanding and problem
solving
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Interests:
Be “Made Whole”
End the Matter
Avoid Costs Avoid Stress
Punish Protect & Preserve
Reputation Be Vindicated Save Face
Have Harm Acknowledged
Honor Values of Fairness &
Justice
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Needs Underlying Interests
Love Friendship Privacy Acceptance
Order Excitement Respect Freedom
Belonging Understanding Appreciation Trust
Control Safety
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Empathic Response
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The major temptation in helping is to solve the problem of the speaker as
soon as possible. The beginning listener often barely gives the speaker time to get the problem out before starting to
offer sympathy and solutions… Providing answers and sympathy is
easy; effective listening demands more effort.
One of your co-workers has just learned that she/he would not be
receiving a raise she had been expecting and had counted on to make the car payment for the Miata she/he bought last week. You, however, have
been notified that you will be receiving a year-end bonus. Your co-worker
comes to you and says, "I can't believe how they've cheated me. My boss
really let me down. He knew I'd just bought the Miata. I've been working
late, coming in on weekends, and have tried for the last 6 months to prove my worth to the firm. Now, they've let me down, and I'll be damned if I'll be their
floor mat."
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How do you respond without offering solutions?
Questions
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Elicit Information
Clarify Interests
Promote Problem Solving
Question — DO NOT Interrogate
“Promote Thought Process”
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BE PATIENT
USE QUESTIONING STRATEGICALLY
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Questions
BEFORE you ask ANY question, ask yourself —
This question is in service to what?
or
For whom am I asking this question?
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Listening and Questioning
Come up with the names of a Famous Person, Living or Dead, Real or Fictitious
Other participants take turns asking questions to determine who each person is.
5 minutes
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Problem Solving Techniques
Hypothetical (What if…?)
Brainstorm
Reality Test
Reality
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Methods of Reframing
Paraphrasing - use different words
Summarizing - digest and condense
Ordering - put issues into logical sequence
Grouping - arrange issues according to common principle or standard
Expanding - elaborating on what said; guess as to
unspoken content
Fractionalizing - breaking down into smaller pieces
Generalizing - stating issues in broader terms
Umbrella-ing - putting several issues into the
reframing at once
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What if the parties aren’t playing nicely together?
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Conflict
We can’t banish conflict from our lives, but we can communicate
more effectively through it. Distinguish between true
conflicts and false conflicts. Not all conflicts need to be resolved.
Get objectivity. If you’ve lost your objectivity about someone,
try to get it back before you communicate.
Increasing the odds of resolving conflict requires good thinking
and good communication. by Ronnie Moore
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Conflict—Crisis
Dangerous
OPPORTUNITY
Remember that confrontation is not a dirty word. It comes from Latin, meaning, “to face.” Properly defined, to
“confront” means to face an issue instead of avoiding it.
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DYNAD:
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLE PREFERENCES - Tally Sheet
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COMPETING STYLE
• B ___ + F ___ = ______ Calm
• O ___+ R ___ = ______ Storm
COLLABORATING STYLE
• A ___ + I ___ = ______ Calm
• L ___ + T ___ = ______ Storm
COMPROMISING STYLE
• C ___ + J ___ = ______ Calm
• N ___ + Q ___ = ______ Storm
AVOIDING STYLE
• D ___ + G ___ = ______ Calm
• M ___ + P ___ = ______ Storm
ACCOMMODATING STYLE
• E ___ + H ___ = ______ Calm
• K ___ + S ___ = ______ Storm
LEGEND: Arrows read low to high:
• Vertical Arrow: ASSERTIVENESS: Getting your own needs met
• Horizontal Arrow: EMPATHY: Maintaining the relationship between yourself and the other party
• --------- > The relative amount of effort and creativity needed to use conflict management style
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COMPETING STYLE
High Assertiveness/Low Empathy “We’re doing it my
way …”
COLLABORATING STYLE
High Assertiveness/High Empathy “My preference is …
I’m also interested in your views.”
COMPROMISING STYLE
Medium Assertiveness/Medium Empathy
“Let’s find some middle ground …”
AVOIDING STYLE
Low Assertiveness/Low Empathy “Let’s not make a big
deal out of this …”
ACCOMMODATING STYLE
Low Assertiveness/Low Empathy “OK, whatever you say
…”
Competing Style
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High Assertiveness/Low Empathy “We’re doing it my way …”
• Strategies: Make a strong case for your position, persuade, be firm, assertiveness, insist, take charge or control the discussion.
• Source of Power: From stating your position
• Advantages: Speed, decisiveness, preservation of important values, stability.
• Disadvantages: Destroyed or hierarchical relationships, loss of cooperation, diminished self-respect in others, and lack of input or feedback.
Collaborating Style
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High Assertiveness/High Empathy “My preference is … I’m also interested in your views.”
• Strategies: Problem focused, assert your position while also inviting other views, welcome discussion of all viewpoints, creativity.
• Source of Power: From integrating solutions.
• Advantages: Builds trust in relationships, high cooperation, merges perspectives, high energy.
• Disadvantages: Fatigue, loss of motivation, time consuming, distraction from other more important tasks, analysis paralysis.
Compromising Style
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Medium Assertiveness/Medium Empathy
“Let’s find some middle ground …”
• Strategies: Urge moderation, trade-offs, split the difference, find a little something for everyone, find middle ground.
• Source of Power: From moderation and reasonableness.
• Advantages: Relatively fast, enables the show to go on, provides a way out of stalemate, readily understood by most people, builds atmosphere of calmness and reason.
• Disadvantages: Mediocrity and blandness, possibly unprincipled agreements, likelihood of patching symptoms and ignoring causes.
Avoiding Style
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Low Assertiveness/Low Empathy “Let’s not make a big deal out of this …”
• Strategies: Withdraw, delay or avoid response, divert attention, suppress personal emotions, be inscrutable, conflict adverse.
• Source of Power: From calmness, silence, non-cooperation.
• Advantages: Freedom from entanglement in trivial issues or insignificant relationships, stability, preservation of status quo, ability to influence others without engaging.
• Disadvantages: Periodic explosions of pent-up anger, freeze-out – unable to build relationships, residue of negative feelings, stagnation and dullness, loss of accountability or participation.
Accommodating Style
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Low Assertiveness/Low Empathy “OK, whatever you say …”
• Strategies: Agree, support, forego your perspective, placate, reasonable, creating goodwill.
• Source of Power: From relationships or approval of others
• Advantages: Maintains approval/appreciation of others, freedom from hassle and conflict (at least in the short-run), self-discipline of ego.
• Disadvantages: Don’t get what you want, frustration for others who wish to collaborate, loss of respect, over-dependence on others, denies others benefit of healthy confrontation.
Mayer on Responses to Conflict: People
either Avoid or Engage
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Avoidance
Aggressive—Intimidate
Passive Aggressive—Hit
and Run
Hopelessness—Deny any Power
Through Surrogates—Remain on Sidelines
Denial—Ostrich Premature
Problem-Solving—Let’s fix it now
Folding—We can do it your way.
Can use more than one approach
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Engagement
Power-Based
Rights-Based
Interest-Based
Principle-Based
Manipulation-Based
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What causes conflict in your office?
Lack of Information?
Colleagues not sharing or over-sharing data?
Personality Issues?
Resource Issues?
What is the BIGGEST cause of conflict for you in a typical week? Discuss and we’ll come back and discuss in the larger
group. NM CLI COMMUNICATION JANUARY
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Circle of Conflict CDR
Relationship Data Structure
Value
Interests
• Procedural
• Substantive
• Psychological
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Relationship Conflicts
Strong emotions Misperceptions or
Stereotypes
Poor or Miscommunication
Repetitive negative behavior
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Data Conflicts occur when parties:
Lack information necessary to make wise decisions
Are misinformed
Disagree over what data is relevant
Disagree over what the data means
Disagree over how data was gathered
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Structural Conflicts
Unequal control, ownership or distribution of
resources
Destructive patterns of behavior
Geographic, physical, or
environmental factors
Time constraints
Policy, rules, regulations
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Value Conflicts
Perceived or actual incompatibility of beliefs
Different criteria for evaluating ideas or behavior
Different ways of life, ideology, or religion
Insistence that his/her values are the only one that are right
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Interest Conflicts Are Caused by:
Competition over perceived or actual needs
When one party believes that in order to get his or her needs met, the other must leave
When one person’s way of doing things is different from another’s
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Conflict can be successfully
managed without being “resolved.”
Joint Commissions: Leaderships Standards
Conflict Management
What Generally Causes Conflict
Personality Differences
• Extroverts , Introverts
• Thinkers, Perceivers
• Skeptics
• Cup Half Full, Cup Half Empty?
Style Differences Cultural Differences
Ego Problems Trust Issues Misuse of Power
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Conflict
May be normal, even desirable
If it drags on it becomes a dispute
Is expensive
Has many sources but the ultimate source—Needs
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Benefits of Conflict
May discover fresh ideas
May develop an increased understanding
May gain new ways of diagnosing and looking at conflict
May enforce positive aspects
May find an opportunity growth and learning
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Costs of Conflict
May compromise or destroy important relationships
May be expensive
Stress will continue
Nothing is decided
May affect others
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What is Negotiation?
Process of trying to get your needs met by interacting with someone else also trying to get their needs met.
• The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution,
• Bernard Mayer, Jossey-Bass, 2002
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Principles of Integrative Negotiation:
Trust and rapport
Building at every stage
Successful relationship
building Communication
Mutual education
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Positional vs. Interest-Based Negotiation
© 1981, Penguin Press
Positional Bargaining: People focus on series of proposed solutions which
they defend or alter depending upon the
circumstance.
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Interest Based Bargaining Negotiation on the merits
Separate the PEOPLE from the problem.
Focus on INTERESTS,
not positions.
Invent OPTIONS for
mutual gain.
Insist on using
objective CRITERIA
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Negotiation
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What is the biggest mistake that lawyers make in negotiation?
Lawyers often underestimate the importance of trust in negotiation.
Trust is the ultimate negotiation tool. It is critical to build trust—with both your client as well as your opponent. It’s not a tactic, but a tool to develop and conclude a successful negotiation…
If you can’t trust each other, find something external in the situation to trust
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Do you know what do these texting acronyms mean?
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LOL
ROTFL BTW
404
AIAMU AYV
BTDTGTS DLTBBB F2F
GDRF
Ever play “telephone” in your office? How often do we talk in code or acronyms?
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LOL Laugh out loud
ROTFL Rolling on the floor laughing
BTW By the way
404 Having no clue
AIAMU And I’m a Monkey’s Uncle
AYV Are you vertical?
BTDTGTS Been there done that, got the t-shirt
DLTBBB Don’t Let the Bed Bugs Bite
F2F Face 2 Face
GDRF Grinning, Ducking and Running Fast
Texting codes
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General Keys to Facilitation & Mediation
Establish Roles of Participants
Establish Expectations
Discuss Party Expectations and Misconceptions
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From the Skilled Facilitator
Every group has some dysfunctional actors, so every group needs to support functional and
counteractive people.
Three types of participant behavior
Functional (enhancing the group effectiveness by providing clarifying
information)
Dysfunctional (reducing a group’s effectiveness by disrespecting
others, arriving late, stonewalling, negativity)
Counteractive (returning a group to effectiveness by addressing the
negative influence of the dysfunctional)
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HINTS FOR THE MEDIATORS
Separate Egos From Issues
Stick to the Speaker’s Subject
Don’t Be Quick to Move
On
Be Comfortable With Silence
Facilitation Hints
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Facilitation tips
Remember Sleeping Beauty: Invite all to the party: even the bad fairies
Be careful not to underestimate:
Alliances between Parties (these can shift as the case progresses)
Role of Parties not Present
Power Issues Expert Involvement
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True Facilitators help others
• Realize that blame lives in the past and that people view situations differently
• See the situation from different perspectives
• Participate and understand why the outcome is important to them and the other side
• Recognize that feelings are important
PERCEPTION IS REALITY
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Describe the picture
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=
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Different view, same picture
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How do surroundings influence how we perceive a case?
How does your perspective change the way your case is perceived by the opposing counsel?
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Perception
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Can you see the hidden tiger in the picture?
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What makes things seem off when they are really in line?
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Same picture, more data
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CREATIVITY: THINKING OUTSIDE YOUR
COMFORT ZONE
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A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water.
The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man.
The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
Explain.
The Man in the Bar
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Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round
manhole covers than
square ones?
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The Deadly Party
A man went to a party early and drank some of the punch. He then left. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning.
Why did the man not die?
He didn’t poison the punch and the poison was in the punch when he drank it.
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Successful Communication: How to make your communication work more effectively
First: Do No Harm
Acknowledge History—Or Your Parties Might Not Let You Move On
Emphasize that you
can’t/won’t dwell on it
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What do you think will help to make your interactions with colleagues more successful than they have been in the past?
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Thank you for your attention.
Contact Info:
Kelly Browe Olson
Director of Clinical Programs & Associate Professor
U.A.L.R. Bowen School of Law
501.324.9452
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