Communicating Effectively through Conflict: More listening

Communicating Effectively through Conflict:

More listening, less taking turns talking…

Professor

Kelly Browe Olson

Communicating through Conflict:

It’s hard to hear someone you are in conflict with…we tune them out, think we know what they are going to say.

•Blocks to Listening

•Active Listening

•Positions & Interests

•Questioning

Communication

Conflict

Negotiation

Facilitation

Creativity

JANUARY

17, 2014 NM CLI COMMUNICATION

93% is Non-Verbal

Communication

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Maya Angelo

JANUARY


What are your biggest communication issues with clients or with opposing counsel?

NM CLI COMMUNICATION

Talk amongst yourselves for 3 minutes, then I’ll ask for a

few examples.

JANUARY 17, 2014

Steps to better communication

Establish trust Check for unfinished business

Listen carefully

• Communicate your intent to learn

• Watch your language

• Be aware of differences

Deal with Emotions

Learn Emotional Intelligence • Self Awareness

• Self Control

• Empathy

• Communication

• Conflict Resolution NM CLI COMMUNICATION JANUARY

17, 2014


How Often Does This Happen?

Let’s sit down and talk about your case. I know you have been trying to reach me. Tell me what brings you here today.

[I wonder what her soon to be ex did now? I have so much to do, did I send that response? Who is picking the kids up today? Did I buy a present for that birthday party? What did she just say? Oh well she’ll probably repeat it.]

Well, first he called and said he would be late and then he yelled at me and then he said I wasn’t going to get any more money from him. Then he told me his new girlfriend was younger and prettier than me. I was so upset I didn’t know what to do and I tried to call you but you didn’t respond. So I called AT&T and cancelled both his and his girlfriend’s cell phone. That will show him not to mess with me… So it’s been quieter but I’m not sure that it’s better. When is our next hearing? What do you think I should do about the dog?

JANUARY 17, 2014

“Most people do not listen with the intent to

understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Stephen R. Covey

"Most of the time we don't communicate, we just take

turns talking."

Dr. Robert Anthony

Effective Communication Requires Active Listening & Creativity

Blocks to Listening

Comparing: We compare ourselves to the person who is speaking and say, "I could do better than that." "He has no

idea what tough is." "I've had it much harder."

Mind Reading: We make assumptions and reach conclusions too quickly.

Rehearsing: Instead of listening, we practice what we are going to

say next.

Filtering: We listen to some things and not to others. We find out what we want to know then we stop listening. We hear that with which we agree and tune

out everything else.

Judging: We assign a label to a person and, therefore, pay little attention to what he says. We either dismiss him or feel we

know what he thinks because he falls into a specific "category" of

people.

Dreaming: This happens when something the speaker says triggers a chain of private

thoughts and we drift off in our minds.

Identifying: Something the speaker says causes us to

remember an experience of our own and we interrupt with our

story.

Advising: We hear a few sentences and quickly begin giving advice before we have

heard the whole story.

Sparring: We begin to argue before the speaker has

completed his thoughts because we disagree with something he

says.

Being Right: Convinced we have the answers, we are quick to

defend our position.

Derailing: We quickly change the subject or make a joke about

what is being said because we are bored or uncomfortable with

the topic.

Placating: We agree with anything the speaker says

because we want to appear nice and friendly. We want people to

like us.

JANUARY


Analyze Your Pattern of Blocking

With whom do you find it hard to listen?

• What is it about these people that makes it harder to listen to them?

With whom do you find it easy to listen?

• What is it about these people that makes it easier to listen to them?

With whom do you do the most blocking?

Do certain people or situations trigger

blocking?

JANUARY


Talk amongst yourselves

Listening Skills

People love to talk but hate to listen. Listening is not merely not talking … it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us.

― Alice Duer Miller (American poet/writer & suffragette)

“If we were supposed to talk more than listen we would have been given two mouths and one ear.” ― Mark Twain

NM CLI COMMUNICATION JANUARY

17, 2014

The Average Person


Processes ≈ 1200 words a minute

Listens ≈ 450 words a minute

Speaks ≈ 125 words a minute

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17, 2014

LISTENING


70% of the professional workday is

spent communicating

11% writing

15 % reading

32% talking

42-57% listening

Most people listen with only 25% efficiency

So about ½ our time is spent listening with ¼ efficiency

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Attorneys must proceed in a logical manner while addressing their clients’ needs.

Their information comes out in bits and pieces, it isn’t coherent and it isn’t logical.

Emotions cloud logical thought.

Under stress clients/colleagues are not in their normal mode, they are full of conflicting emotions.

Problem Solving requires logical thought.

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY

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17, 2014

Active Listening

Listen to Understand

Why


To validate the party speaking

To help the party hear what they are saying

To facilitate communication between you and the client

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Active Listening


Listen for yourself, so you can reflect to the party speaking

AND

Listen for the party speaking, so he can help you understand

Who JANUARY

17, 2014

Active Listening


Listen to what is said and Not said

Observe nonverbal cues

Listen for facts and feelings

Listen for double messages

Listen for repetition

What JANUARY

17, 2014

Active Listening

Look and act interested

Be open and receptive

Appropriate body language and eye contact


HOW? Get off Automatic Pilot

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Active Listening


ALWAYS

When

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17, 2014

Sometimes we have told our clients exactly what to do, but they didn’t really hear what we were saying


17, 2014

Communicating with your Client


• Asked your client what they want & what their goals are

• Explained the legal/agency process

• Explained the estimated timeline

• Described your role

• Explained the role of client

• Explained the role of the experts

• Discussed case strengths and weaknesses

Have you:

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17, 2014

Positions and Interests: Which is Which?

When clients ask you a question or make a statement

about what they want

•Are they stating positions or interests?

•What might they not be saying?

NM CLI COMMUNICATION JANUARY 17, 2014

A Position Statement:


focuses on a particular solution

makes a demand

draws a line

sets up confrontation

before the problem has been clearly

defined

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17, 2014

Movement from Positions to Interests


In other words…helping the clients to move toward interest-based problem solving as an alternative to the traditional (and more adversarial) negotiations.

Encourage your clients to move from fixed or established positions to mutual interests, issues,

and concerns.

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17, 2014

An Interest Statement:


focuses on the problem

articulates one of a range

of needs

makes no valuations

establishes a common

language for discussion,

understanding and problem

solving

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17, 2014

Interests:

Be “Made Whole”

End the Matter

Avoid Costs Avoid Stress

Punish Protect & Preserve

Reputation Be Vindicated Save Face

Have Harm Acknowledged

Honor Values of Fairness &

Justice


Needs Underlying Interests

Love Friendship Privacy Acceptance

Order Excitement Respect Freedom

Belonging Understanding Appreciation Trust

Control Safety


Empathic Response


The major temptation in helping is to solve the problem of the speaker as

soon as possible. The beginning listener often barely gives the speaker time to get the problem out before starting to

offer sympathy and solutions… Providing answers and sympathy is

easy; effective listening demands more effort.

One of your co-workers has just learned that she/he would not be

receiving a raise she had been expecting and had counted on to make the car payment for the Miata she/he bought last week. You, however, have

been notified that you will be receiving a year-end bonus. Your co-worker

comes to you and says, "I can't believe how they've cheated me. My boss

really let me down. He knew I'd just bought the Miata. I've been working

late, coming in on weekends, and have tried for the last 6 months to prove my worth to the firm. Now, they've let me down, and I'll be damned if I'll be their

floor mat."

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17, 2014

How do you respond without offering solutions?

Questions


Elicit Information

Clarify Interests

Promote Problem Solving

Question — DO NOT Interrogate

“Promote Thought Process”

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17, 2014

BE PATIENT

USE QUESTIONING STRATEGICALLY


17, 2014

Questions

BEFORE you ask ANY question, ask yourself —

This question is in service to what?

or

For whom am I asking this question?

JANUARY


Listening and Questioning

Come up with the names of a Famous Person, Living or Dead, Real or Fictitious

Other participants take turns asking questions to determine who each person is.

5 minutes


17, 2014

Problem Solving Techniques

Hypothetical (What if…?)

Brainstorm

Reality Test

Reality

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Methods of Reframing

Paraphrasing - use different words

Summarizing - digest and condense

Ordering - put issues into logical sequence

Grouping - arrange issues according to common principle or standard

Expanding - elaborating on what said; guess as to

unspoken content

Fractionalizing - breaking down into smaller pieces

Generalizing - stating issues in broader terms

Umbrella-ing - putting several issues into the

reframing at once

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What if the parties aren’t playing nicely together?

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Conflict

We can’t banish conflict from our lives, but we can communicate

more effectively through it. Distinguish between true

conflicts and false conflicts. Not all conflicts need to be resolved.

Get objectivity. If you’ve lost your objectivity about someone,

try to get it back before you communicate.

Increasing the odds of resolving conflict requires good thinking

and good communication. by Ronnie Moore


17, 2014

Conflict—Crisis

Dangerous

OPPORTUNITY

Remember that confrontation is not a dirty word. It comes from Latin, meaning, “to face.” Properly defined, to

“confront” means to face an issue instead of avoiding it.

JANUARY 17, 2014 NM CLI COMMUNICATION

DYNAD:

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLE PREFERENCES - Tally Sheet


COMPETING STYLE

• B ___ + F ___ = ______ Calm

• O ___+ R ___ = ______ Storm

COLLABORATING STYLE

• A ___ + I ___ = ______ Calm

• L ___ + T ___ = ______ Storm

COMPROMISING STYLE

• C ___ + J ___ = ______ Calm

• N ___ + Q ___ = ______ Storm

AVOIDING STYLE

• D ___ + G ___ = ______ Calm

• M ___ + P ___ = ______ Storm

ACCOMMODATING STYLE

• E ___ + H ___ = ______ Calm

• K ___ + S ___ = ______ Storm

LEGEND: Arrows read low to high:

• Vertical Arrow: ASSERTIVENESS: Getting your own needs met

• Horizontal Arrow: EMPATHY: Maintaining the relationship between yourself and the other party

• --------- > The relative amount of effort and creativity needed to use conflict management style


COMPETING STYLE

High Assertiveness/Low Empathy “We’re doing it my

way …”

COLLABORATING STYLE

High Assertiveness/High Empathy “My preference is …

I’m also interested in your views.”

COMPROMISING STYLE

Medium Assertiveness/Medium Empathy

“Let’s find some middle ground …”

AVOIDING STYLE

Low Assertiveness/Low Empathy “Let’s not make a big

deal out of this …”

ACCOMMODATING STYLE

Low Assertiveness/Low Empathy “OK, whatever you say

…”

Competing Style


High Assertiveness/Low Empathy “We’re doing it my way …”

• Strategies: Make a strong case for your position, persuade, be firm, assertiveness, insist, take charge or control the discussion.

• Source of Power: From stating your position

• Advantages: Speed, decisiveness, preservation of important values, stability.

• Disadvantages: Destroyed or hierarchical relationships, loss of cooperation, diminished self-respect in others, and lack of input or feedback.

Collaborating Style


High Assertiveness/High Empathy “My preference is … I’m also interested in your views.”

• Strategies: Problem focused, assert your position while also inviting other views, welcome discussion of all viewpoints, creativity.

• Source of Power: From integrating solutions.

• Advantages: Builds trust in relationships, high cooperation, merges perspectives, high energy.

• Disadvantages: Fatigue, loss of motivation, time consuming, distraction from other more important tasks, analysis paralysis.

Compromising Style


Medium Assertiveness/Medium Empathy

“Let’s find some middle ground …”

• Strategies: Urge moderation, trade-offs, split the difference, find a little something for everyone, find middle ground.

• Source of Power: From moderation and reasonableness.

• Advantages: Relatively fast, enables the show to go on, provides a way out of stalemate, readily understood by most people, builds atmosphere of calmness and reason.

• Disadvantages: Mediocrity and blandness, possibly unprincipled agreements, likelihood of patching symptoms and ignoring causes.

Avoiding Style


Low Assertiveness/Low Empathy “Let’s not make a big deal out of this …”

• Strategies: Withdraw, delay or avoid response, divert attention, suppress personal emotions, be inscrutable, conflict adverse.

• Source of Power: From calmness, silence, non-cooperation.

• Advantages: Freedom from entanglement in trivial issues or insignificant relationships, stability, preservation of status quo, ability to influence others without engaging.

• Disadvantages: Periodic explosions of pent-up anger, freeze-out – unable to build relationships, residue of negative feelings, stagnation and dullness, loss of accountability or participation.

Accommodating Style


Low Assertiveness/Low Empathy “OK, whatever you say …”

• Strategies: Agree, support, forego your perspective, placate, reasonable, creating goodwill.

• Source of Power: From relationships or approval of others

• Advantages: Maintains approval/appreciation of others, freedom from hassle and conflict (at least in the short-run), self-discipline of ego.

• Disadvantages: Don’t get what you want, frustration for others who wish to collaborate, loss of respect, over-dependence on others, denies others benefit of healthy confrontation.

Mayer on Responses to Conflict: People

either Avoid or Engage


Avoidance

Aggressive—Intimidate

Passive Aggressive—Hit

and Run

Hopelessness—Deny any Power

Through Surrogates—Remain on Sidelines

Denial—Ostrich Premature

Problem-Solving—Let’s fix it now

Folding—We can do it your way.

Can use more than one approach

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Engagement

Power-Based

Rights-Based

Interest-Based

Principle-Based

Manipulation-Based

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What causes conflict in your office?

Lack of Information?

Colleagues not sharing or over-sharing data?

Personality Issues?

Resource Issues?

What is the BIGGEST cause of conflict for you in a typical week? Discuss and we’ll come back and discuss in the larger

group. NM CLI COMMUNICATION JANUARY

17, 2014

Circle of Conflict CDR

Relationship Data Structure

Value

Interests

• Procedural

• Substantive

• Psychological

JANUARY


Relationship Conflicts

Strong emotions Misperceptions or

Stereotypes

Poor or Miscommunication

Repetitive negative behavior

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Data Conflicts occur when parties:

Lack information necessary to make wise decisions

Are misinformed

Disagree over what data is relevant

Disagree over what the data means

Disagree over how data was gathered

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Structural Conflicts

Unequal control, ownership or distribution of

resources

Destructive patterns of behavior

Geographic, physical, or

environmental factors

Time constraints

Policy, rules, regulations

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Value Conflicts

Perceived or actual incompatibility of beliefs

Different criteria for evaluating ideas or behavior

Different ways of life, ideology, or religion

Insistence that his/her values are the only one that are right

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Interest Conflicts Are Caused by:

Competition over perceived or actual needs

When one party believes that in order to get his or her needs met, the other must leave

When one person’s way of doing things is different from another’s

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Conflict can be successfully

managed without being “resolved.”

Joint Commissions: Leaderships Standards

Conflict Management

What Generally Causes Conflict

Personality Differences

• Extroverts , Introverts

• Thinkers, Perceivers

• Skeptics

• Cup Half Full, Cup Half Empty?

Style Differences Cultural Differences

Ego Problems Trust Issues Misuse of Power


Conflict

May be normal, even desirable

If it drags on it becomes a dispute

Is expensive

Has many sources but the ultimate source—Needs

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Benefits of Conflict

May discover fresh ideas

May develop an increased understanding

May gain new ways of diagnosing and looking at conflict

May enforce positive aspects

May find an opportunity growth and learning

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Costs of Conflict

May compromise or destroy important relationships

May be expensive

Stress will continue

Nothing is decided

May affect others

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What is Negotiation?

Process of trying to get your needs met by interacting with someone else also trying to get their needs met.

• The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution,

• Bernard Mayer, Jossey-Bass, 2002


Principles of Integrative Negotiation:

Trust and rapport

Building at every stage

Successful relationship

building Communication

Mutual education


Positional vs. Interest-Based Negotiation

© 1981, Penguin Press

Positional Bargaining: People focus on series of proposed solutions which

they defend or alter depending upon the

circumstance.


Interest Based Bargaining Negotiation on the merits

Separate the PEOPLE from the problem.

Focus on INTERESTS,

not positions.

Invent OPTIONS for

mutual gain.

Insist on using

objective CRITERIA


Negotiation


What is the biggest mistake that lawyers make in negotiation?

Lawyers often underestimate the importance of trust in negotiation.

Trust is the ultimate negotiation tool. It is critical to build trust—with both your client as well as your opponent. It’s not a tactic, but a tool to develop and conclude a successful negotiation…

If you can’t trust each other, find something external in the situation to trust

JANUARY

17, 2014

Do you know what do these texting acronyms mean?


LOL

ROTFL BTW

404

AIAMU AYV

BTDTGTS DLTBBB F2F

GDRF

Ever play “telephone” in your office? How often do we talk in code or acronyms?

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17, 2014


LOL Laugh out loud

ROTFL Rolling on the floor laughing

BTW By the way

404 Having no clue

AIAMU And I’m a Monkey’s Uncle

AYV Are you vertical?

BTDTGTS Been there done that, got the t-shirt

DLTBBB Don’t Let the Bed Bugs Bite

F2F Face 2 Face

GDRF Grinning, Ducking and Running Fast

Texting codes

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17, 2014

General Keys to Facilitation & Mediation

Establish Roles of Participants

Establish Expectations

Discuss Party Expectations and Misconceptions


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From the Skilled Facilitator

Every group has some dysfunctional actors, so every group needs to support functional and

counteractive people.

Three types of participant behavior

Functional (enhancing the group effectiveness by providing clarifying

information)

Dysfunctional (reducing a group’s effectiveness by disrespecting

others, arriving late, stonewalling, negativity)

Counteractive (returning a group to effectiveness by addressing the

negative influence of the dysfunctional)


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HINTS FOR THE MEDIATORS

Separate Egos From Issues

Stick to the Speaker’s Subject

Don’t Be Quick to Move

On

Be Comfortable With Silence

Facilitation Hints

JANUARY


Facilitation tips

Remember Sleeping Beauty: Invite all to the party: even the bad fairies

Be careful not to underestimate:

Alliances between Parties (these can shift as the case progresses)

Role of Parties not Present

Power Issues Expert Involvement


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True Facilitators help others

• Realize that blame lives in the past and that people view situations differently

• See the situation from different perspectives

• Participate and understand why the outcome is important to them and the other side

• Recognize that feelings are important

PERCEPTION IS REALITY



Describe the picture

JANUARY 17, 2014

=


Different view, same picture

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How do surroundings influence how we perceive a case?

How does your perspective change the way your case is perceived by the opposing counsel?

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Perception


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Can you see the hidden tiger in the picture?


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What makes things seem off when they are really in line?


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Same picture, more data


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CREATIVITY: THINKING OUTSIDE YOUR

COMFORT ZONE

JANUARY 17, 2014

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water.

The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man.

The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

Explain.

The Man in the Bar


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Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round

manhole covers than

square ones?


17, 2014

The Deadly Party

A man went to a party early and drank some of the punch. He then left. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning.

Why did the man not die?

He didn’t poison the punch and the poison was in the punch when he drank it.


17, 2014

Successful Communication: How to make your communication work more effectively

First: Do No Harm

Acknowledge History—Or Your Parties Might Not Let You Move On

Emphasize that you

can’t/won’t dwell on it


What do you think will help to make your interactions with colleagues more successful than they have been in the past?

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17, 2014

Thank you for your attention.

Contact Info:

Kelly Browe Olson

Director of Clinical Programs & Associate Professor

U.A.L.R. Bowen School of Law

[email protected]

501.324.9452


17, 2014

mailto:[email protected]

Documents

Communicating Effectively through Conflict: More listening